Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Find the Courage to Quit Your Unfulfilling Job

    How to Find the Courage to Quit Your Unfulfilling Job

    Quitting

    “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.

    Isn’t it a shame?

    You’ve studied and worked hard to get to where you are.

    You’ve succeeded.

    And you got that job.

    But now, it just doesn’t feel right.

    Well, I understand exactly what you’re going through.

    Once upon a time, I thought I had it all too.

    A great position, a great salary with generous bonuses, and I was working in the heart of the city of love: Paris. My life and career might have looked perfect on the outside, but on the inside, I was desperately yearning for something else.

    As the months went by, my sadness skyrocketed. And the voice inside telling me to change grew ever stronger. So did my concerns, worries, and fears about the future. What if things didn’t work out? What if I couldn’t make enough money? What if I would come to regret my decision?

    Sound familiar?

    When I evaluated my life, though, I found that the idea of staying was scarier than anything that may happen if I quit. So, I finally found the courage to leave the safety of a corporate job to find my true calling in life.

    If you’re yearning for change but too scared of the what-ifs, the following tips will help you evaluate your life and finally find your courage as well.

    1. Choose to live by design instead of by default.

    Take a step back and look at what kind of life you truly want to live. Does it look like the one you’re living today? A while back, I asked myself that question. One of the things that came back to me was that I wanted my life to revolve more around yoga. So, now I’m training to become a yoga teacher.

    Don’t settle for mediocrity or life by default. Instead, decide to make active choices to create the life you desire—that’s the only way you’ll get there.

    2. Fear regret rather than failure.

    Failing means you tried and learned something. Regret, on the other hand, comes as a response to what hasn’t happened. It’s an ugly emotion that usually doesn’t show up until it’s already too late.

    Failing at something is scary, but regret is even scarier. Wouldn’t you rather try and fail now instead of one day regretting you never tried at all?

    3. Imagine the worst-case scenario.

    What’s the worst thing that can happen if you quit your unfulfilling job? Maybe you’d have to find another full-time job? Maybe you’d be standing without a safety net, unable to care for the people that depend on you?

    By clearly defining a realistic worst-case scenario, you can prepare yourself not to end up there and to cushion the impact if it occurs. That could mean making sure you have enough savings, someone to fall back on, or a job lined up if things don’t work out.

    4. Listen to your gut.

    I had a nagging feeling inside of me for years before I acted on it. I had tried to push it away, and when that didn’t work, I changed tactics and chose to allow the feelings in. Only then did I understand the message behind it and what I needed to do.

    Now I know that the discomfort I was feeling was a good thing. It meant that my inner guidance system was working correctly, giving me direction in life. What are your feelings telling you? What are you being guided toward?

    5. Know that you’ll be better doing what you love.

    “If I could be good at something I was fairly interested in, what would happen if I did something I truly love?” This was a question I simply had to find the answer to.

    I believe outstanding work can only come from a place of loving what you do. This is when you utilize your unique skills, talents, and natural gifts. Imagine for a second how great you could become at something you love doing?

    6. Let happiness be the key to success.

    Studies prove (and people like billionaire entrepreneur Richard Branson confirm) that happiness fuels success and performance, not the other way around. Now, isn’t that nice to know?

    Creating a life around what makes you happy is the key to living a truly successful life.

    7. Become an example.

    Imagine that someone you care deeply for, such as a little sister or a friend, is observing your actions. He or she will copy everything you do. A bit scary, huh?

    Now, would you want this person to stay in a place that left them feeling unfulfilled? Or would you want them to find the courage to pursue what they truly desire?

    8. Come back to the present moment.

    Worrying about the future doesn’t change anything; instead, it hinders you from making the best of this moment. Here and now is all we ever have. It’s the only place where we have control.

    So, focus on what you can do right now to go in the direction you want.

    9. Know that everyone feels the same.

    Realizing that I wasn’t alone with my thoughts and fears gave me a surprisingly comforting feeling. I wasn’t weak or fragile for being scared—I was simply human.

    Understand that what you feel is normal, but whether to act or not is your choice.

    10. Define your why.

    I left my job because I wanted to work with something I cared deeply for, where I could express myself fully and make a positive impact in the world.

    If you’re clear on why you’re leaving a job, you’ll see the value in taking the risk. It will help you stay motivated and keep you focused in the right direction.

    11. Trust that you have a gift to offer.

    All seven billion of us have a unique set of skills, talents, and personality traits. I once met a woman whose great passion in life was the connective tissues in our bodies. Pretty unique passion, right? We’re all different, and that’s the beauty.

    You have something special only you can offer this world, and we’re longing to take part of it. So, trust yourself, and show us what you’ve got.

    12. Connect with like-minded people.

    Connect with people that are on a similar journey to yours. Build a support network, in person and online.

    To have people around you that support, motivate, and inspire you is priceless. They’ll help you through the most difficult days.

    13. Take risks for what you will gain long-term.

    Sometimes we need to take risks and make short-term sacrifices for what will serve us long-term. Basically, we must be willing to bet in order to win.

    Just think about this. Staying in an unfulfilling job means taking a greater risk since you already know it’s not what you want. So, you risk more by not taking risks.

    14. Aim to put a smile on your older, future self.

    Imagine yourself being ninety years old and at your deathbed. Looking back at your life, how would you want the story to unfold?

    You’ll want to die with a big smile on your face, knowing that you made the best of your time here. And that you lived a life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you.

    15. Know that the timing is never right.

    Maybe you’re young without any proper experience. Maybe you’re older and take longer to learn new things. Or maybe you just got promoted and want to give this opportunity a chance.

    The time will never come when all the conditions are right. When I accepted this, I understood that everything is as perfect as I perceive them to be.

    16. Trust that the path will unfold.

    What’s scary in following your dream is that the path is unclear. Stepping off the beaten path means that you can’t see a straight road in sight.

    But, we don’t need to know the whole path. We just need to know the next step in front of us.

    17. Make uncomfortable the new comfortable.

    When we want something we don’t have, we must do things we haven’t done before. And that means becoming uncomfortable.

    When I accepted this as a natural part of the journey, I decided to make uncomfortable my new comfortable.

    18. Nurture faith, not fear.

    Fear is uncertainty about what doesn’t exist yet. Faith is the same, but trusting that it will turn out for the best. So, instead of imagining scenarios of what you don’t want, choose to focus on what you do want.

    Give your energy to faith, not fear.

    Live by Choice Instead of Chance

    It’s not easy feeling frustrated and restless in an unsatisfying job. It’s not easy knowing that leaving might be a big mistake. But, staying might be an even bigger one.

    You don’t know how things will turn out if you quit. We never do. But here’s what you do know—staying where you are most likely won’t get you where you want to be.

    Wouldn’t you rather live life by choice instead of chance? Wouldn’t you rather look back and know that you did everything you could to create the life you desire instead of wishing you’d had? Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on faith instead of fear?

    Who knows, you just might get everything you wished for.

    Quitting image via Shutterstock

  • Enjoy the Ride

    Enjoy the Ride

    Enjoy the Ride

    Source: Natural Life

  • 9 Basic Needs We Have to Meet to Feel Happy and Alive

    9 Basic Needs We Have to Meet to Feel Happy and Alive

    “No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for ‘we’ are the only thinkers in our mind. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.” ~Louise L. Hay

    Seven years ago I felt a tangible sense of despondency about where my life was heading.

    Having ended a six-year relationship, I found myself alone, feeling isolated, often with only a bottle of wine (or two) for company on a weekend. For the first time ever I wondered if I had depression.

    After weeks of feeling helpless and sitting on my sofa crying, I decided enough was enough and started taking action to turn my life around.

    In doing so I discovered the “Human Givens Basic Needs.” Suddenly, everything made sense to me.

    I realized I didn’t have depression; I just hadn’t been meeting my basic needs in a healthy and balanced way.

    Working through the basic needs, I scored myself a number between one and ten for each, with ten being fully met.

    After taking action and pursuing a new diploma, I reflected on how much better I was meeting my basic needs for control, creativity, and stimulation, and how much happier and alive I felt as a result.

    I also recognized that I was meeting my need for status in a new way, as people were amazed when I told them what I was studying.

    Seven years on, I have never forgotten the basic needs. Every six months I take a few hours to do a stock check of my life to see how well I am meeting each of the needs, and where I need to take action or do something different.

    At the moment I am training for my third marathon, which is meeting so many of my basic needs in one hit!

    People tell me how awesome it is that I am running a marathon (attention and status), I look after my body better (mind/body connection), I have a goal (purpose), and I’m doing something positive with my time (creativity, stimulation, and sense of control).

    As we head into the New Year, I’d invite you to take an evening, curl up warm, put on some music you enjoy, and take a stock check of your life.

    Look at each of the different needs and mark out of ten (ten being fully met) how well you are meeting each one, and how.

    Where you are not meeting a need fully, don’t worry. Instead, think about what actions you can take to improve this area, and write down some steps to achieving that.

    Rather than trying to improve every area of your life all at once, I suggest focusing first on meeting one need that would make a considerable difference in your life, and then moving on to another.

    Like me with my marathon, you may find that while meeting one need, you end up meeting others naturally as a result.

    Finally, put your stock check or action plan somewhere you can see it daily.

    Take a Stock Check of Your Basic Human Needs

     1. The need for attention

    We need quality attention from the people in our lives. More and more people in the world live alone. Unless your needs are being met elsewhere, a lack of attention can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, and a lack of connection.

    Join a meet up group, do an evening course, join a fitness group—anything that gets you out there and talking to like-minded people.

    2. Mind-body connection

    The way we look after ourselves physically directly impacts our psychological well-being. Feed your body good food and you’ll feel good. (That doesn’t mean pizza and wine!) Get out in the fresh air and get moving to get your serotonin and endorphins levels pumping, making you feel more alive.

    3. Purpose and goals

    Having a purpose or goal adds meaning to your life. Sign up for a 5K charity run, take up a night class, or volunteer for a local charity. Use your time to do the things you enjoy.

    4. Connection to something greater than ourselves

    A sense of connection to like-minded people or others who share your perceptions and work for a common goal is important. I chose to run one of my marathons for a homeless charity, for example.

    It may be being part of a group raising awareness about a shared cause, or working for an organization that shares your values.

    5. Creativity and stimulation

    Boredom and a lack of achievement can leave you feeling unsatisfied and depressed. Spending time reading about a subject that interests you, learning a new skill or craft, or doing anything that stimulates the creative part of your brain will see you feeling happier and more stimulated.

    6. Sense of security and safety

    Without a sense of security and safety you can feel anxious. You don’t have to own your home to feel secure. Security can come from having a supportive partner and family or even changing your beliefs about what security and safety mean to you.

    7. Intimacy and connection

    It’s important to feel that at least one person really knows you for who you are. Intimacy and connection don’t require a romantic partner; it can just be a close relationship with someone, even your pet!

    8. Sense of control  

    Feeling that you have no control in a given situation or in life can lead to feelings of hopelessness. In some cases people will over-control to compensate for feeling helpless. Trying to control people and situations you have no influence over will only suck your energy. Control the one thing you can—you.

    9. The need for status

    Being recognized for your talents helps meet your need for status. Take action to do something you have always wanted to do, such as a jewelry-making course, signing up to a sporting group, taking up dressmaking, or volunteering your talents where they would be well received.

    —

    Small changes in your life can create a big ripple effect, and, like me, you may be surprised by how much happier, healthier, and alive you will feel as a result.

  • How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    Woman Standing on the Moon

    “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

    “Look at her, who does she think she is?”

    “He’s so full of himself. He’s so big headed”

    Have you ever heard these types of expressions being used? Have you said them yourself?

    I have.

    Or at least I used to. I was taught to believe that people who shine their light were showing off. That they were brazen and big headed. But what does being full of yourself actually mean? Seriously, what does it mean?

    Is it being cocky or could it simply be having confidence in who you are? Is it being arrogant or might it just be saying no to playing small?

    Plainly put, being full of yourself is to be brimming over with who you are. How utterly amazing is that? To be full of who you are. Not empty. Not lacking. Full.

    Why do we believe that celebrating our greatness is something to be scorned?

    We worry that if we let all of our colors blaze brightly, we’ll be perceived as being “too much.” We end up trying to throw shade on our most vibrant parts in order to blend in.

    Are we supposed to walk some kind of middle line in life? Between shine and shame?

    When we purposely set out to dilute who we are, we are denying ourselves our birthright to live in full bloom. Full expression.

    When do we ever walk through a garden of gorgeous flowers and wish that they were less vibrant? Less alive? We don’t. We marvel at their utter beauty and proud glory. We don’t ask them to diminish their splendor. We simply ask them to be all that they are.

    If we place ourselves in the shadows then we not only prevent our true light from radiating out, but we’re also left feeling envious of those that are basking in their own fabulous glow. 

    I used to look longingly at other people who I’d see exuding sparkly confidence. I’d yearn to have their self-assuredness and be able to live out loud without apology.

    It wasn’t until I stopped wistfully wanting what I thought I lacked, and started focusing on what I was already rich with, that everything changed.

    I said no to seeking approval. I said no to coveting the lives of others. I said yes to being me.

    My life transformed when I stepped onto the stage of my own life, rather than hiding in the wings watching someone else’s performance. Every step I’ve taken since has gifted me farther toward empowerment and farther away from self-doubt.

    Do you secretly envy somebody else’s life? Do you spend hours obsessing about how amazing they appear to be? What if you took some of that energy and invested it into your most precious stock? Yourself. 

    Try this simple visualization exercise to get you back on point.

    Imagine yourself sitting in front of a mirror illuminated with light bulbs, the ones you see in the dressing rooms that film stars use. Your reflection in the mirror radiates love, happiness, and confidence. The lights are bright and beautiful. So are you. So amazingly beautiful.

    Remember this: every single time you waste energy wishing you had somebody else’s life, a light in your own life goes out. One of those bulbs dies. Your reflection loses a little bit of its sparkle. Those bulbs need your life force to keep shining. Why are you illuminating someone else’s reflection? Why are you giving your energy to their light bulbs?

    Light up your life. This is the one time you don’t need to be environmentally conscious! Burn those lights, baby! I’m talking Times Square bright. Because otherwise all those lights will lose their will to shine and you’ll be fumbling around in the dark trying to find a torch. And that’s not the look we’re going for here.

    So now you’ve got your own glow going here are a few other ways to keep the spark alive:

    1. Get creative.

    When we concentrate on our own passions it makes it much more difficult for our minds to stray and worry about what everyone else is doing.

    If you feel stuck in a rut and unsure of how to move forward, then getting immersed in a creative project can be an amazing way to shift any stagnant energy. Maybe you want to explore photography; perhaps sketching or sculpting appeal to you. Creativity is a wonderful tool for self-expression and can bring so much joy as well as clarity.

    2. Avoid too much toxicity.

    It can be hard to feel bright and beautiful when we’re in an environment that doesn’t feel supportive. Limit time with negative people and spend more time with those who champion you and believe in your abilities. We all need some encouragement from time to time.

    Take time to encourage others to shine their light, too—it inspires a domino effect which creates a global glow!

    3. Stay present, but look forward.

    In the yoga pose Warrior II, one hand reaches forward and the other hand extends back. The head (and mind) are centered.

    It’s such a wonderful symbol of past, present, and future. The back hand is the past—don’t look that way, you’re not going in that direction. Stay centered and keep your mind in the present, but focus your gaze on where you’re going: forward. Possibility lies ahead.

    —

    Shine your light like only you can. And don’t apologize for it. The world does not benefit from you living in the shadows. The world does not benefit from you wasting your energy on envy. And the world most certainly does not benefit from you living in shame and fear. It benefits from your incredible, colorful contribution.

    Your empowerment carriage awaits. It’s time to get in.

    Girl on the moon image via Shutterstock

  • Why Resolutions Don’t Work & How to Create Real, Lasting Change

    Why Resolutions Don’t Work & How to Create Real, Lasting Change

    New Years Resolutions

    “I can affect change by transforming the only thing that I ever had control over in the first place and that is myself.” ~Deepak Chopra

    As the New Year quickly approaches, many of us spend time in review and reflection of the past year’s events and initiate strategic planning for the upcoming year.

    We create and contemplate lists of resolutions, often featuring some of the same goals from the previous year. But we convince ourselves that this is going to be the year for change and transformation.

    So, on January 1st, we arise, excited and committed to our new or repeated goals of exercising regularly, eating healthy, waking up earlier, taking a new class, searching for a new job and career, saving money, releasing bad habits, and the list goes on and on.

    Yet, by Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the thrill and fervor have dwindled, and by mid-year our resolutions have fallen by the wayside—and our lives look exactly as they did the previous year.

    For several years, I was painfully stuck in my own life. I desperately sought change, but did not know how to transition myself out of a city that had been home for eighteen years.

    Although I decided each year that this would be my last year living in New York and that I would find my purpose and calling, each year I found myself renewing my lease and still selling real estate.

    I became increasingly dissatisfied with my life, constantly yearning for the things and people I thought would make me happy.

    But, nearly four years ago, I made the most important decision of my life: to authentically grow and change myself and my life from the inside out.

    Once I began the internal work to create peace and change within myself, through a self-taught meditation and gratitude practice, the external landscape of my life began to slowly change.

    I am now happily living on a paradise island and doing work that fulfills my heart, my life, and my purpose.

    Why Resolutions Don’t Work and Intentions Do

    Wouldn’t it be great if writing our resolutions also gave us the power, discipline, and determination to achieve our goals? Well, unfortunately it doesn’t. Our commitment to our resolutions can fade as quickly as the ink fades from the paper.

    Resolutions do not work for us because more often than not, they include making changes to behavior and objects that exist outside of us. Until we change what’s on the inside, we cannot change what’s on the outside.

    Eventually, we will go back to making the same choices, whether consciously or unconsciously. As the late, sage spiritual teacher, Dr. Wayne Dyer often quoted, “When you squeeze an orange you get orange juice because that’s what’s inside of you.”

    If there’s anger, fear, low self-worth, jealousy, resentment, or other negative beliefs inside of us, even if we attempt to change the skin to our fruit, shine and polish it, or plant and grow it in a different location, what comes out of will still be what’s on the inside.

    A resolution will never create a lasting transformation if we don’t change the root and inside of our fruit (our heart).

    Even the word itself, “resolution,” implies “a firm decision to do or not do something, to be absolutely resolute.” This allows no fluidity or flexibility.

    When we lovingly embrace and accept ourselves, focus our attention on what we want instead of what we don’t want, and set fluid intentions for the New Year, we are more likely to naturally flow toward choices that are aligned with our goals and achieve our desired results.

    8 Steps To Create Real and Lasting Change

    1. Love and accept yourself.

    Change doesn’t come by berating, judging, and criticizing ourselves; it comes from lovingly accepting the things we cannot change and growing each day to change the things we can.

    This does not mean we cannot improve. It means that we are lovable where we are. Wherever we’re starting from is the perfect starting place. Practicing self-love is paramount to creating transformational shifts in our lives.

    Be kind, patient, gentle, and compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself as you would a two-year-old child.

    I used and continue to repeat this powerful affirmation daily:

     “I deeply and completely love and approve of myself. I accept the things I cannot change and grow to change the things I can.”

    Whenever I feel fear, doubt, insecurity, or anxiety, I repeat this over and over silently in my mind and it engenders the most calming effect over me.

     2. Practice self-awareness.

    If we are not aware of our thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, likes, dislikes, or fears, then we are missing the starting place for change.

    Consider spending time in quiet meditation and reflection, asking yourself, “What are my deepest fears and insecurities? Who am I still angry with and whom do I need to forgive? Whose approval am I seeking? Who will I disappoint if I change or succeed? What do I see and feel when I look in the mirror? And where did I learn it?”

    Being fully aware of who we are and what we believe will help us end self-sabotage, make clearer choices, and create change in the present and future. Put on some calming music, light some candles, and bring a journal to your meditation. Write honestly and fluidly. Don’t think too much. Allow the pen to be the speaker of your subconscious.

    3. Change old, negative beliefs into new, empowering beliefs.

    Many of us hold unconscious, negative beliefs that we learned as children from our parents, grandparents, teachers, leaders, cultural and religious institutions, or the media.

    Our actions stem from our beliefs. If our current belief is “I am too old and boring to find happiness,” then our brain will guide us, whether consciously or unconsciously, to find evidence that supports this belief, and our choices will reinforce it.

    We can change this belief by first creating an affirmation that reflects the new belief we want to adopt, such as “I am youthful, healthy, and full of energy and vitality, and my life is filled with joy and pleasure.”

    Then we can search for evidence in our lives to support this different, positive belief, such as “I went for a run this morning,” “I had fun at a party last week,” “I enjoy going to the movies and museums.”

    Additionally, we can make a conscious choice to search for activities and experiences that align with our new belief, such as electing to spend time with friends that inspire and uplift us, taking up a new class or hobby, joining a club or organization, or volunteering with children.

    Through our focused attention, and with time and practice, our new belief becomes embedded into our subconscious minds, and we begin to search for people, opportunities, and experiences that match it.

    4. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. 

    I recognized that I was creating my own unhappiness by focusing on the negative. The moment I stopped complaining and focusing on the things I didn’t like about living in New York City, things began to dramatically shift for me.

    By letting go of my own resistance and focusing instead on the important things I wanted to create, a new career and to live by the ocean, I was able to focus on the steps necessary to create that life.

    If we change our mindset, from moving away from something to moving toward something, our thoughts begin to shift and then our actions begin to shift. Then we make choices that align with our new desires. What we give our attention to will always expand.

    5. Practice gratitude.

    Gratitude is the gateway to creating peace and happiness in our lives. It is the starting point to creating change. A grateful heart is a loving heart, which draws more love into our lives.

    I started a gratitude practice four years ago and it changed my mindset completely. I think more loving, positive thoughts, which in turn, create more loving and positive experiences.

    There is always something to be grateful for. Simply writing five to ten things you’re grateful for daily will begin to shift your mindset and move you toward the changes you’re seeking.

    6. Set realistic, achievable goals and take actionable steps.

    Sometimes we seek change so desperately that we set huge goals that we can’t achieve quickly and are left disappointed. But starting with a small goal and growing into a larger goal can often create a more lasting, impactful change.

    Be honest with yourself and set a goal that resonates within you and seems achievable. For instance, maybe start with half of your weight loss goals for the year of 2016. Or save up a portion of the money you would like saved by the year’s end. Maybe plan to have your business plan completed rather than the entire business up and running within a year.

    Rise each day committed to taking an actionable step toward your goals and intentions. It doesn’t matter how small or big the step. Just take a step. It is the series of small steps that create our big steps.

    7. Never say never.

    We set resolutions such as, “I am giving up chocolate,” or “I’m never shopping again.” These statements all start from focusing on the negative of one’s behavior rather than the positive behavior that one hopes to create.

    Furthermore, when we make declarations and commitments like “never” or “forever,” we are more likely to fall short of our goals and expectations. This leaves no room for balance and flexibility.

    Giving up the things we love and enjoy is punishment. Why give up entirely the things we enjoy and bring us pleasure if it’s not harmful to others or ourselves?

    I eat a small portion of chocolate almost every day. Chocolate delights me and I deserve to be delighted. Giving it up entirely will feel like punishing myself. Having a small portion and a balanced diet and exercise allows me to enjoy it guilt-free.

    8. Meditate and visualize.

    For nearly a year, I mediated and visualized myself living by the ocean. I went to sleep with the sounds of the ocean and created a vision board with images of the sea. With consistent focus on my intentions and desires, and taking actionable steps toward my goals, I am now living part-time on a beautiful island .

    When we keep our intentions as our focus and take action from a place of gratitude, we open ourselves up to the people and opportunities to bring us to the change and intentions we desire.

    And lastly, believe in possibilities. Belief alone doesn’t make things happen, but magic unfolds in our lives when we believe in a possibility and work toward it.

    Wishing you much success for a happy, healthy, and prosperous transformation in the New Year!

    New Year’s Resolutions image via Shutterstock

  • Limited Edition “Just Breathe” Shirt Supporting Project Happiness (Last Day!)

    Limited Edition “Just Breathe” Shirt Supporting Project Happiness (Last Day!)

    Lori Deschene Just Breathe Shirt

    *Update: This campaign has ended. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily or weekly emails, and to learn about future shirt campaigns!”

    Happy almost New Year, friends!

    As you may remember, I originally launched a two-week shirt campaign, supporting the David Lynch Foundation, in November. Over 700 people ordered a shirt then, but many of you emailed asking me to relaunch the campaign, so I did! If you’d like to order a “Just Breathe” shirt, hoodie, or pullover, today is the last day to do so.

    This time, a portion of the proceeds will go to the non-profit Project Happiness.

    I first learned about Project Happiness in 2009, when I attended their Cirque de Happiness fundraiser event.

    Their main purpose is to provide students with tools and wisdom, based on positive psychology and neuroscientific research, to create authentic happiness. They work hands-on with kids of all ages, empowering them to feel good about themselves so they can handle life’s hurdles.

    Imagine if we all learned to manage our emotions, develop resilience, and nurture a positive mindset early in life. Imagine a world full of people who recognize and nurture their strengths and feel confident enough to share them with others.

    Project Happiness is helping create such a world, and it’s an honor to support their wonderful work.

    You can choose from six styles—including a fitted tee, racerback tank, and a hoodie—with sizes ranging from XS to 5XL (for some styles).

     

    Don’t see the button? Visit https://represent.com/tinybuddha to place your order.

  • How Using Your Hands Creatively Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    How Using Your Hands Creatively Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    Painting

    “Making something, even imperfectly is empowering because it’s an expression of the self.” ~Alton & Carrie Barron MD

    Do you ever suffer from stress or anxiety?

    If so, you’ve probably tried to find relief, but finding something that works for you can be quite hard. We all react differently to different remedies, and what works for one person may not be the best remedy for you.

    I used to suffer from stress and anxiety a lot. After trying lots of different remedies, I finally found relief in an activity I never considered would help.

    I was locked into a life dependent on templates for everything that wasn’t basic living. Without clear instructions, clear steps, and a clear understanding of the desired end, I couldn’t get myself to start a project, journey, or activity, no matter how big or small.

    At every seminar or webinar, I asked a million questions. I needed to know everything in excruciating detail. The thought of missing or misunderstanding something would send me into a panic.

    Just the thought of doing anything without knowing every step in advance caused me tremendous stress and anxiety. Even in something as innocuous sounding as in creating art.

    I always loved art. Art materials always made me salivate, but I never made the time for it because I didn’t know what to do with those gorgeous materials.

    Years ago when I was a kindergarten teacher, I used to love watching how the kids expressed themselves creatively in their art. It brought me so much joy that I eventually became an art teacher.

    This got me involved in reading any and every book on art and creativity I could find.

    How I First Heard of This Unlikely Cure for Anxiety and Stress

    Not until I started reading voraciously about all kinds of creative art for adults and how healing it was did I discover the connection between stress, anxiety, and using your hands to create.

    If I could bottle its effects, I would make a fortune.

    I read a wonderful book called Painting Your Way out of a Corner about the amazing meditative effects of different types of unplanned and improvisational art.

    Then I read The Creativity Cure by Alton and Carrie Barron, both doctors who talk about how healing creative hand use is, which is the act of using your hands along with your imagination to create something new.

    From those books, I learned that creative hand use that focuses on process rather than result can relieve anxiety and stress. I also learned that the creative activity couldn’t rely on following a template.

    Creative hand use is supposed to help you by expressing yourself. When you follow a template, you are not expressing yourself; you are expressing the person who designed the template.

    When we make something, even imperfectly, especially imperfectly, we are truly expressing ourselves, which is what helps us relieve our stress and anxiety. This is why art that focuses on the process as opposed to the product is so much better.

    According to the books, creative hand use, when done right, could relieve anxiety and stress in the following ways:

    You gain more self-awareness.

    Painting and doing art from imagination evokes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that block us in normal day-to-day experience. It loosens up our thinking and leads to notice how we make decisions.

    Do we hide from our mistakes or try to cover them up? Can we let go and be responsive to the moment or do we need stay in control? Are we scared of making a mess, looking silly, not being good enough? All of these things come into play as we create without preconceived ideas and embrace the results.

    Once you have this new awareness, you can use it to make better choices and be more effective. This will help clear up your anxieties thus making you happier and less stressed.

    You become more resilient.

    As you create, you might find that sometimes you try something that doesn’t work out quite as you thought it would. You learn to accept this and simply continue with the process. You continue and try to make the best of what you’ve got. After a while, you’ll notice that when things in your life don’t go as planned or when you’ve made a mistake, you can more quickly recover and move on.

    You become more confident in your decisions.

    By valuing the process of what you are doing, you learn how you make decisions. Simple projects need many small decisions that lead to larger ones. As you make decisions and notice that you can deal with any of their outcomes, you begin to have less anxiety and more confidence in your decision-making.

    You experience peace of mind, tranquility, and sense of well-being.

    Certain types of creative work put you into a meditative state as you focus on what you are doing by being strictly in the moment. This will also give you all the benefits that meditation promises, like peace of mind, tranquility, and a sense of well-being that leads to a less stressful life.

    So Did Creative Hand Use Heal My Stress and Anxiety?

    I had to see for myself if it was true.

    I chose mixed media as my creative activity because it seemed to fit the criteria the best; you need no skill or template to do it. It uses a combination of painting, doodling, pasting, stamping, and stenciling, and there is no wrong way to do any of it.

    Creating without some guidelines can lead to chaos and anxiety, so to begin, I gathered the most exciting project ideas that I found from all of my notes, bought some materials, and then started a small class in mixed media art with some neighbors.

    As we started, I quickly realized that I needed everything to be perfect even before we got started. I needed to check my materials and my notes to see if we had everything I might need; just beginning was quite a hurdle for me to overcome.

    When I began, a refrain would run through my mind, “It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be,” over and over again as I struggled with things not being exact.

    Only as I continued with the art did my anxieties start to resolve over time.

    What a freeing, relaxing feeling.

    Over time, I also noticed I had fewer problems with my stress and anxieties in everyday life. I noticed I could start projects earlier without obsessing over every little detail. I found that I wasn’t as anxious in the face of big decisions. I discovered that, in general, I felt more calm, relaxed, and at ease.

    Get Rid of Your Stress and Anxiety Once and for All

    Just because I chose mixed media art to be my art vehicle does not mean that you cannot get the same benefits with other forms of creative hand use as well.

    Unplanned watercolor painting (as discussed in the book Painting Your Way Out of a Corner), sculpting, or clay work can give you the same benefits.

    If art is not your thing, then other types of creative hand use are available such as gardening, crocheting, knitting, woodworking, or even cooking.

    You will express yourself, and you will become more self-reliant, productive, stress-free, and happier as you get absorbed in something greater than yourself—your creative handiwork.

    The important thing is to choose one of these creative activities that you feel drawn to and then to make serious time for it.

    Once you get hooked, you won’t know how you handled your stress before you got creative.

    And a wonderful new world will open before you.

    Painting image via Shutterstock

  • Take Your Power Back: How to Release Fear and Trauma

    Take Your Power Back: How to Release Fear and Trauma

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of physical and emotional abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “I say I am stronger than fear.” ~Malala Yousafzai

    “Don’t be scared.” It’s so easy to say, yet sometimes, for many of us, so hard to accomplish.

    When I was about three or four years old, my dad locked me in the chicken coop in our back yard. This was a punishment. I was naked and screaming, literally jumping up and down with terror.

    Another punishment consisted of my mother rubbing human waste in my face.

    There are other things they did, other things I went through, but I’ll let those two examples stand as confirmation of the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as small child.

    Then when I was nineteen, some friends and I were physically assaulted by another group of young men. No reason, no motive. We were ganged up on one at a time and not a single one of us managed any sort of self-defense.

    The police told us “not to bother” pressing charges, so we didn’t. Those guys went home free and clear, but a few months later, I unexpectedly found myself almost convulsing on my bedroom floor, unable to breathe or move, absolutely terrified that the next time I left my house, I would die.

    It was quite the one-two combination for a kid (and as a dad now, I very much consider nineteen as still being a kid). The events of my childhood coupled with the events of that night left me a changed person for the rest of my life.

    Maybe you know what that feels like. Maybe something has happened to you that has impacted your day-to-day existence. Before we go any further, let me just say: I’m sorry. And I understand.

    Between the assault and the things done to me at home (and at school), I eventually was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and panic disorder.

    My entire life, I had uncontrollable fits of blind rage that led to the destruction of many things around the house—doors, toys, trees, furniture, concrete blocks . . . anything that was handy and would make a good CRASH! when I broke it.

    I would utterly lose control, punching myself and anything nearby. I would scream until I couldn’t speak, then spend three days isolated in my room hating the world and debating the merits of staying alive.

    Eventually I’d “snap out of it” and resume my normal life, but within a few weeks, the whole cycle would start all over again, trigged by something as innocuous as the garage door not opening all the way on the first press of a button.

    I couldn’t handle sudden loud noises; they’d scare me half to death and put in me in a bad mood the rest of the day. If I had a near collision while driving, my entire day would be ruined as the adrenalin pumped through me on a non-stop loop.

    The flip side of my outrageous anger was my paralyzing fear that arose after I was assaulted. I could not leave the house after sunset, and could only go to certain “safe” places during the day.

    I couldn’t walk to the end of my street in the middle of the day without shaking. I once ditched my own birthday party because it was at another person’s house and I couldn’t make myself get in the car to go there.

    I could go on. But if you have ever had an anxiety or panic attack, you know the feeling. And the frequency. Even as I write this, quite safe and secure, my heart is racing and my stomach clenching.

    I didn’t get a professional diagnosis until I was almost forty, and the reason I did not get that diagnosis is because I didn’t tell anyone what really happened. Then when the diagnosis came, I fought it. I argued it and resisted it.

    I didn’t feel I had earned PTSD. That was a disorder for war veterans and first-responders. I’m an author—my most dangerous work is done on a laptop at a coffee shop. And as for panic attacks, that just meant I was a wimp. (I used a different word, though.)

    Here’s what I want you to know, because I want you to have the best life you can. These are the things I wish I had known ten or twenty years ago.

    First, I had to name the trauma.

    I had been to a raft of professional therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, and even a psychiatric hospital stay, trying to find a way out of my angry and fearful lifestyle. While many were helpful, none really helped me recover because I didn’t tell them the whole story.

    I kept the darkest parts of my past to myself, worried about how I would be perceived. But the more frequently I share my story now, the more validated I feel. It becomes more and more apparent that I’m not some kind of freak or aberration.

    These things really happened, and they really were that bad. Which brings me to the next thing you need to know:

    I had to accept that I did “earn” my diagnoses.

    We mustn’t fall into the trap of comparison. We mustn’t say to ourselves, “Oh, well, Frank was in direct-action combat/had alcoholic parents/got locked in a basement, he had it worse than me.”

    No. Frank’s life is Frank’s life. Your life is yours. PTSD and anxiety are not a human being’s natural state of being. Something bad happened to you, and that is not okay. It left a lasting, damaging impression.

    The only way to begin moving forward, to reclaim our lives, is to let the truth of our story exist in its own authentic way without comparing ourselves to others.

    Third, there is a difference between being scared and being afraid.

    Being scared is a natural and healthy response to danger. It’s healthy because it can keep you alive when your instincts tell you something is wrong. That’s the whole point of being scared.

    Scared is an adrenalin dump, preparing your body to fight, flee, or freeze. If you are scared, there’s probably a very good and sane reason for it.

    “Afraid” is something different. Afraid is how you do life. It’s how you process the world around you: family, friends, career, hobbies, pets . . . everything.

    The night I was attacked, I was scared. And that was perfectly natural. Every night thereafter, I was afraid.

    If you’re afraid, your mind automatically screens every single decision you make through the filter of fear. What happens if I take this job? Go on this date? Travel to this place? Panic sets in, often resulting in complete and total inaction. Afraid is a thief. It steals everything from us.

    Finally, and perhaps most difficult: You will have no forward motion in your life without forgiveness.

    Author and speaker Rob Bell says that to have really forgiven, we must truly wish the best for those who have hurt us. It’s not enough to say the words, even if it’s face-to-face (and face-to-face might make things worse; the person you’re forgiving may have no honest grasp that what they did was wrong).

    What matters is that we truly release them and want the best for their lives. That is how we can know we have forgiven them. When we can do that, their power over us and the power of fear begin to wane.

    It’s been many years since I had a real panic attack. I do still have the symptoms of PTSD from time to time; it’s not like chicken pox that will run its course and leave me with the antibodies to prevent it from roaring back.

    But I am much less angry than I used to be. I don’t break things anymore. I don’t lose minutes, hours, and days nursing my grudges, time that I could have spent with my wife, my son, my friends, or my job. I still jump at sudden, surprise loud noises. It still takes me a while to recover from a near-miss in traffic.

    But the people who hurt me no longer have power over me because I have forgiven them. I want the best for them. It took (and can take) a long time. But it’s essential to becoming whole, to no longer being afraid.

    Remember that forgiveness is not condoning or making excuses for the wrong. You may need to remove yourself from people who have a habit of hurting you. And that is all right. You do not deserve to be hurt. No one does.

    Don’t be afraid.

  • The Keeper of Your Happiness

    The Keeper of Your Happiness

    The Keeper of Your Happiness

    Source: WomenWorking.com

  • 4 Ways to Change Your World by Being Kind

    4 Ways to Change Your World by Being Kind

    “Respond kindly to someone who is unkind to you.” ~Lori Deschene (from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, January 15)

    Growing up with an alcoholic father, I was often on the receiving end of his anger. As a child, I didn’t realize his behavior was a reflection of how he felt inside and wasn’t about me at all.

    I thought he was angry because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong. I felt like if I could just be perfect enough, maybe he would love me. I tried and tried, but trying to be perfect didn’t work.

    As I got older, I learned to react to everyone around me. If someone was rude, I was rude back. If someone yelled at me, I yelled back. This harmed my relationships and caused a lot of isolation in my life.

    I wanted to be alone because I felt like everyone hurt me. But, I discovered, that is not the answer.

    It’s taken me years to realize that I’m responsible for my own behavior and can’t control others. I now focus on behaving with kindness to everyone and my relationships have improved as a result.

    It’s not always easy, but the following tools have helped.

    If someone triggers fear and anxiety, don’t respond until you are calm.

    Reacting to what someone is saying rather than responding from a place of calm rarely goes well. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer every question. I can say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” and come back later in a better frame of mind.

    When another person projects their fear onto you, it’s okay to walk away.

    I came to the realization that I was walking into my parents’ house in a state of agitation and defensiveness; I was adding my anger and anxiety to the negative energy in the house.

    An amazing thing happened when I stopped walking in the door that way; it seemed to positively affect everyone’s energy. There is a sense of peace in our interactions that wasn’t there before.

    Now, when I walk into any situation at work or with family, I check my attitude when I walk in the door. Often, that makes a big difference.

    When you don’t add your fuel to the fire, sometimes the fire goes out.

    Don’t make up stories about the motivations of others.

    I’ve come to understand that a lot of the things I think in my head aren’t true.

    If a friend calls and cancels, I tell myself it’s because she doesn’t want to hang out with me. If my husband is in a bad mood, I tell myself it’s because he’s unhappy with me.

    I don’t know any of those things. They are only stories in my head. These stories create defensiveness in me, which creates conflict where none exists.

    There are a million reasons people might cancel plans or be in a bad mood. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you.

    You can’t make another person happy or unhappy. Another person cannot make you happy or unhappy. A person’s happiness comes from their own thoughts and behavior, not what someone else is doing.

    The next time someone does something and you assume you know why, question whether you really know if that’s true.

    Try love first.

    Most people are doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. We are all in this together and at our core, we are basically good.

    Hatred and anger cannot wipe out hatred and anger. But sometimes love and understanding can.

    I was always waiting for an apology or a change in behavior from the other person. Sometimes it has to begin with you. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that the other person may never change.

    What is hurting you most is your behavior toward them. Changing that will help you feel better.

    Resentment will poison you from the inside. Forgive the other person for yourself. Let the anger go.

    Amazingly, sometimes that also changes the other person. But you have to go first.

    Love is worth a try. Give it a shot.

    Set boundaries when needed.

    Part of learning to love yourself is learning to listen to your gut and speak your truth.

    If someone is being unkind to you, say something.

    Don’t let others treat you poorly. Treat yourself with love and compassion.

    Don’t blame, criticize, or complain. Calmly state your boundaries.

    Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. Sometimes, you need stronger boundaries.

    But changing your behavior instead of waiting for the world to change gives you back your personal power.

    Come from kindness and watch your world change.

  • When Someone Cheats or Mistreats You, It’s About Them, Not You

    When Someone Cheats or Mistreats You, It’s About Them, Not You

    “Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. So thank the past for a better future.” ~Unknown

    I used to think when someone cheated on me that I was flawed.

    You see, I had a core belief that there was something wrong with me. I never felt enough. I’m not even sure I can fully articulate this feeling, but whatever it was, I just didn’t feel enough. Slim enough, pretty enough, clever enough, worthy enough, or just, well, anything enough.

    I’ve now come to see that when someone mistreats you it has almost nothing to do with you. Other people’s behavior is about them.

    I’ve come to realize that my ex flirting and engaging in a sexual manner with other women had to do with his insecurities, and nothing to do with me not being good enough.

    It was his issue, not mine. It was his ego that needed a boost, and he used other women for that because he wasn’t emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself.

    I believe we must be responsible enough to look after our own feelings and not make someone else responsible for how we feel. He was still trapped in a cycle of thinking he needed someone to make him feel happy. He needed to use other women to boost his self-esteem.

    Previously, I’ve felt that my world was falling apart when a man cheated on me or left me. I felt my value decreased the moment he didn’t want me.

    I can now see my value just is, it’s innate. We are all born worthy—worthy of love and good enough. Even if no one in the world can see it, it’s the truth. I am enough exactly as I am. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.

    I’ve realized that I am more than lovable. When someone doesn’t or can’t treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated, it’s not a reflection of me.

    I’ve learned that it’s my job to put my best interests at heart and love myself enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve me or build me up.

    This time I discovered an inner strength much sooner than I previously have. I walked away when I discovered the lies; previously I would stayed trying to fix myself when I wasn’t the one that was at fault.

    I now recognize that I am a complete person all alone. I don’t need someone else to complete me.

    I function and enjoy my life on my own. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being in relationships—I really do, and I think it’s so magical when two happy, complete people come together and share their lives.

    However, I’ve discovered that if the other person is looking for someone to complete them or to make their life more exciting than it is, it’s more than likely never going to last.

    Relationships are places of spiritual growth, and they can enhance an already happy life. Their purpose is not to make a miserable one better; that’s too much power to hand to any one person.

    Love is a place of pure positive energy. If someone has to put you down in order to try to keep you then that’s not love; it’s control. Control is based on a scarcity model of love, and that’s not positive energy; it’s fear-based.

    I have never understood it when people said that love isn’t enough. Love is always enough, but love is about loving actions, loving behavior. You can’t claim to love someone yet lie to them; the two things don’t match.

    So here are the five things I’ve learned from my past failed relationship.

    1. When someone cheats or mistreats you, it almost never has anything to do with you.

    You are good enough even when their actions may have you believe otherwise.

    2. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t reflect badly on you.

    Someone cheating on you doesn’t make you look silly. It highlights that they have issues they need to work on.

    3. Your value and worth aren’t tied to anyone or anything.

    Not your weight, relationship, or job.

    4. Love is never bad; love is amazing, pure and simple. Cheating hurts, lies hurt, being heartbroken hurts, but these things are not love.

    These cause pain, but cheating, lying, and hurting others are done out of fear, not out of love. Love is, in fact, the only thing that ever makes the pain better again, and you can start to love yourself today. Self-love depends on you alone.

    Set the standard for how people should love you by loving yourself wholeheartedly.

    5. Just because one relationship doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean the next one won’t.

    Don’t give up on love; give up on the people who made you think love wasn’t good.

    And always remember what Steve Marabolie wrote, “The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    Woman Meditating

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Presence. It’s something that used to be an absolute mystery to me.

    During my five years working in the fast-paced world of public relations, I was frequently running from one meeting to the next, nose in my cell phone, barely coming up for air and completely oblivious to the world around me.

    Little did I know, I was missing out on so many moments during my day where I could feel grounded, grateful, and present instead of stressed out and anxious.

    Today, life is much different. I strive to feel present on a daily basis, and while there are still moments where I’m challenged, I’ve found that with commitment and practice, it’s possible to weave small moments of mindfulness into my day.

    I love meditation, but mindfulness doesn’t always have to be closed-eyes, cross-legged experience, either. I’ve found it really helpful to tie my mindfulness practice to everyday activities.

    Here are five places where you can find presence as you go about your daily routine.

    Drinking your morning coffee

    It’s a fair assumption that we all look forward to our morning cup of joe—and as a Brit, I confess I am partial to a cup of tea first thing in the morning. This may not seem like the obvious place to create a spiritual practice, but it’s almost perfect.

    It’s one of the first things you do when you step out of bed and it sets the tone for your day. You can continue racing through this simple activity, if you wish, or you can set aside five minutes (set an alarm on your cell phone) and sit down with your coffee and just be.

    Leave your cell phone alone. Don’t check social media. Ignore your email. Just take in the flavors and aroma of your morning beverage and enjoy the moment.

    In the shower

    My absolute favorite morning ritual is a long shower, and it’s the perfect place to relax and be free. Left unchecked, however, this morning routine can provide a breeding ground for your mind racing through the day’s laundry list of tasks and ‘what ifs.’

    Bring your mind back into the present by becoming aware of the physical sensations of the water on your skin and the smell of the shampoo in your hair. Feel grateful that you have access to fresh, clean water. Breathe in. Relax.

    When you step out of the shower, you will feel rejuvenated not only physically, but in your mind and spirit, too.

    Commuting to work

    Traveling to the office doesn’t have to be a ho-hum activity; it can be an opportunity to fit in a mini-meditation. And granted, this does depend on which mode of transport you take to work and it typically fits a bus or train ride best.

    All you need to do is this—close your eyes and breathe deeply. It sounds simple, I know, but it makes the world of difference.

    If you’re driving, you will of course need to stay alert and aware at all times, so use this as your meditation. Turn off the radio, allow your thoughts to fall away, and simply focus on driving your car as you take in the sights and sensations around you. For me, driving feels incredibly grounding.

    Waiting in line

    Forever short on time during my PR days, I would rush to the bank during my lunch break and inevitably become stressed out at the sight of the long line. I would huff and puff, check my cell phone, and generally panic as I felt my heart rate increase and noticed beads of sweat form on my brow.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of feeling frustrated at the wait time, take it as an opportunity to relax. Look around you. Connect with your fellow human beings. Smile at the person in line next to you. It can be a simple and beautiful experience.

    During exercise

    I truly believe exercise is a spiritual practice, but if you’re attending a class at the gym after work, it’s so easy to let your mind race and mull over the events of the day and run through your to-do list for the evening.

    Instead, be mindful of which parts of your body you are working and focus on that. Bring your attention to your legs, your shoulders, the muscles in your back. Not only is this meditative, but it also helps bring focus to your workout and improve your form. It’s a win-win.

    —

    By applying these tips, you will invite presence into even the most mundane of daily chores. This not only transforms each moment an opportunity for stillness, it also helps you to be less stressed and more peaceful, no matter what is happening around you.

    Woman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    Smiling Gingerbread

    “A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

    What are the benefits of being friendly? Some might argue that there aren’t many advantages to it. These people might even tell you that you should mind your own business instead of trying to please everyone.

    But is friendliness really just an attempt to please others? Is it really a sign of insecurity or even weakness?

    I believe friendliness is a sign of inner strength and balance.

    Just a year ago, I was confronted with an extremely negative person at work. At first, I believed she acted as she did because she was struggling with he burdens we all have to bear from time to time.

    I thought the problem would eventually resolve itself, but it didn’t. Only in retrospect I am beginning to understand that unresolved underlying pain could have influenced her behavior.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t consider this possibility back then. In my ignorance I assumed the worst of her, thinking her behavior was a cold and calculating attempt to manipulate everyone around her.

    I judged her based on her actions, without considering the underlying motives. She was igniting conflicts wherever she went, so I assumed she felt more comfortable in an unstable environment.

    Usually, I try to stay calm in situations like this. But there are some people who know exactly how to push your buttons. She was one of them.

    I had already decided to confront her when something unexpected happened. Apparently, she had found one of my colleagues’ sensitive spots, which led him to burst out yelling at her in front of our boss.

    Our boss wasn’t too happy about that, demanding my colleague take anger management training.

    The whole experience taught me an important lesson. It showed me that calmness and understanding are the only healthy options you have when you’re confronted with someone who’s dealing with underlying pain.

    Here’s what I learned about the advantages of being friendly.

    1. You can make a difference with friendliness.

    Sometimes it feels as if the world is filled with impolite or angry people. As a result of this misperception, we’ve learned to raise our shields to the maximum. Instead of being open to people we don’t know yet, we do our best to avoid the risk of being vulnerable.

    You can make a difference in this world by making the first step toward a potential relationship with others. Or, as Scott Berkun, former manager at Microsoft, has put it: “Initiating a positive exchange is a hallmark of a difference maker.”

    Just imagine what could have happened if I had the courage to make the first step with my not so polite colleague. It would have given me at least the chance of discovering the underlying cause of her behavior, and maybe even helping her.

    Instead, I was so preoccupied with defending myself that I didn’t even consider honest friendliness as a possible means to resolve the issue. This was the moment when I realized that I could only make a difference by being kind and helpful to other people.

    2. You’ll strengthen your willpower.

    Let’s face it, there will always be people who test your limits. It’s not easy to treat others with respect in such situations.

    We all know how difficult it can be to be kind to certain people. However, we shouldn’t use their misbehavior as an excuse to treat them just as badly.

    Allowing someone to make us behave impolitely only makes the situation worse. On the other hand, if we have the courage and willpower to keep our balance, we can contribute a great deal toward the easing of the situation.

    I experienced this firsthand, when my boss was yelling at me for a mistake I’d made. Instead of arguing at the same level of aggression, I chose to remain calm and tried to explain what had led to my mistake. Surprisingly, this not only helped calm him down, but it also helped me resolve the problem quickly.

    These are the situations that both test our limits and strengthen our willpower, if we choose not to give in to the temptation of treating others as they treat us.

    3. Good deeds add meaning to your life.

    Friendliness isn’t just about treating others with respect, it’s also about caring for others: You treat others friendly because you care about them and their well-being. You help others because you see yourself in them.

    Kindness doesn’t have to be limited to people we know. Instead, it’s the universal willingness to treat each individual the way we would like to be treated.

    Being friendly and helping others will add significance and meaning to your life. Knowing that you are helping to make this world a better place is one of the most rewarding experiences.

    4. It makes you feel good.

    Being friendly to others doesn’t just help them, it works in your favor as well. Friendliness will instantly boost your happiness.

    Whenever I’m being kind to another being, I feel good about myself.

    Just recently I was buying a train ticket at a vending machine when I noticed the man standing beside me at the other machine didn’t have enough change to pay for his ticket. He had already thrown in many coins, but seemed a little helpless when he realized that there weren’t enough in his wallet.

    I asked him if he needed more coins. It turned out that it wasn’t much, so I gave him what he needed.

    The man’s response truly warmed my heart. You could see the happiness and relief in his face, and that made me happy as well.

    5. It will likely come back to you.

    Should we be friendly just so that other people will reciprocate the favor in our time of need? I think that would be rather selfish. True kindness and friendliness can only be expressed when we let go of the need to gain something from it.

    Still, I believe that if you’re a genuinely friendly person, you’re more likely to be surrounded by people who are also friendly and accommodating. Kindness attracts kindness, just as rudeness often attracts rudeness.

    It really feels as if I receive that which I send out to another person. And that makes me feel appreciated, accepted, and respected for who I am.

    —

    We all face challenges, and it’s not always easy to be friendly and polite, but doing so can make a profound difference—for others and for ourselves.

    Gingerbread man and woman image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    Woman reading book

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

    I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

    The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

    Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

    1. Maintain perspective.

    A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

    The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
    In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

    The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

    The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

    This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

    The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

    2. Take care of your health.

    Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

    This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

    There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

    Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

    Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

    3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

    If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

    This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

    You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

    When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

    The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

    4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

    When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

    This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

    Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

    It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

    As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

    5. Don’t play the victim.

    As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

    Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

    She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

    Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

    The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

    The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

    6. Re-direct your energy.

    An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

    She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

    The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

    As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

    7. Give your attention.

    One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

    When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

    One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

    When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

    The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

    —

    Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

    Woman reading image via Shutterstock

  • What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    Woman with heart hands

    “You are what you practice most.” ~Richard Carlson

    “What are you practicing?” she asked in a gentle, lilting voice.

    The entire class was in triangle pose, and at that moment I was comparing my triangle to the young woman’s right next to mine, scolding myself for wobbling out of the pose and simultaneously harassing myself for not being “further along” in my career. (Because if you’re going to hate on yourself, my motto is GO BIG.)

    “Are you practicing judgment or comparison?” she tenderly probed.

    “WTF!” I thought. “Does this woman have a direct line to my brain?”

    “Are you practicing worry or blame?” she continued. “Perhaps you’re practicing patience and love. Notice what you’re practicing and know that you become what you practice. What you practice is what you live.”

    DAMN IT!

    I was three days into a five-day yoga retreat and I was far from blissed out. In fact, I had deftly managed to tie myself into a knot of comparison, self-doubt, judgment, confusion, shame, and embarrassment.

    With my inner critic having hijacked my brain I was a total wreck, and caught myself, more than once, crying through one of the two yoga classes I took each day.

    I should also mention I was pissed to be spending days of supposed relaxation and inner communion bumping up against every old demon that laid buried within me. Not a productive use of time, and if there’s anything I hate, it’s feeling unproductive.

    I had gone on the yoga retreat (my first ever, and a huge indulgence according to my inner critic) for a good dose of soul care. I was craving reconnection badly and knew an idyllic yoga retreat in the Berkshire mountains was just what I needed to come back to myself. Little did I expect that to get to that reconnection, I first had to wade through a number of stinky layers of self-perpetuated crap.

    And so there I was, wobbling in and out of triangle pose, in full blown comparison mode and hating on myself for not having written a book yet, for not being on SuperSoul Sunday, and for most certainly not being Zen during a yoga class.

    And then her soft words plucked me out of my maelstrom of negativity.

    “What are you practicing?”

    I took a breath.

    And then another, letting the fresh oxygen pulse through me.

    I took another, solidified my stance, stretched more deeply into the pose, and faced all I was practicing.

    I let the comparison and self-doubt wash over me. Let the judgment and shame flow. Let the embarrassment of this entire emotional debacle be there without feeling bad for feeling any of it.

    In the breath I found that I wasn’t practicing the negative feelings and old stories. I was experiencing them. What I was practicing in feeling them (without kicking myself for experiencing them) was compassion.

    I let the compassion grow, filling every edge of my body, and watched it morph. First into curiosity for my feelings, then acknowledgement for my pained state, and then into deep love for myself for finding kindness where there had originally only been gripped anger and a cold heart.

    What I found in the instructor’s question was this: I can experience any number of painful thoughts and feelings, and in approaching them with compassion, it’s compassion I’m practicing, not negativity.

    I wish I could tell you with that realization my struggle ended, my demons were forever released, and I quickly became the blissed out, wise yogini I had wanted to be at the start of my retreat.

    Not so much.

    It took another few days (and will probably take the rest of my life) to continually soften, to come back to the breath, and to remember to practice compassion.

    But what her question did do was loosen the knot.

    It created space to find compassion where there had originally been none. It sparked the sloughing off of old layers, the questioning of painful stories, and the unfurling of my most sacred knowing to allow me to reconnect with myself.

    “What are you practicing” is a brave question, as it often brings us face to face with the uncomfortable emotional space we’re in. And yet, it’s in letting ourselves ask the question and getting curious about it that a crack is made for compassion to squeeze through.

    The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, “What am I practicing?” Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom.

    Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay.

    And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along.

    Woman with heart hands image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    Upset Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    We are wired to seek “the right one,” the ever-supportive partner, and the loving relationship.

    If we get all three, it’s like winning the lottery of life. When we meet someone, we dream of him/her being our soul mate. When we are in a relationship, we hope they’ll love and support us unconditionally, and the relationship will be loving and everlasting.

    That would be the ideal world, and, unfortunately, the ideal world isn’t the one we live in.

    It took me a divorce and a few failed relationships to learn what real love is. Strong, lasting love is not being with “the right one” or being in a relationship that is effortlessly wonderful all the time. That’s a disempowering way of living, just like waiting for life to be perfect.

    I came to understand that true love is a daily commitment to make the relationship great by being loving and attentive in our action and our words.

    With the exception of cases whereby our partner is purposefully being physically/verbally abusive or emotionally manipulative, to love is to commit to being loving even when our partner unintentionally disappoints, frustrates, or hurt us.

    On days when it’s difficult to fulfill this commitment, I apply these five steps and they help me avoid getting caught up in passive-aggressive spirals with my partner.

    1. Get real and see the whole picture.

    When our partner lets us down, it can hurt so bad that we become blinded from everything else that matters.

    In defense of our wounded ego, we overreact by blowing the issue out of proportion and getting argumentative beyond reason. Our logic gets hijacked and we forget to see the whole picture—that in most cases, what we fight about isn’t truly important.

    During times like these, I ask myself, “Is it the end of the world, or the relationship, that this problem happened because of his insensitivity/immaturity/irresponsibility? Or is it a passing storm that ravages, but we can rebuild from there and learn lessons for the future?”

    2. Dig out the “I am loved” list.

    Reason flies out the window of our mind whenever we’re in pain or experiencing rage. Our mind focuses on how we’re being victimized and blacks out the times when our partners acted lovingly toward us.

    Whenever I find myself reacting like this, I dig deep in my “I am loved” list. It’s a list I keep of all the big and small loving things my partner regularly does and recently did for me.

    For instance, I may recall that when I was feeling stressed and exhausted, despite finishing work late himself, he traveled a long way to my place, got me dinner, went grocery shopping, and stocked my fridge with my favorite nourishing food items.

    I’ll also recall the regular acts of love he does, such as texting me first thing after he wakes up and last thing before he goes to bed each day, getting me coffee in bed, giving me massages when I’ve been working long hours, and cheering me up whenever I feel down.

    3. Picture his/her plate and realize how full/heavy it is.

    In the ideal scenario, our partner is loving, caring, attentive, and affectionate 24/7. That said, it’s easy to be so when we are not bounded by life’s stresses, problems, and burdens.

    Whenever my partner is acting in an unloving way, I try to counter my feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment by putting myself in his shoes and picturing the responsibilities, issues, and worries that are in his life at that point.

    This simple exercise helps me see things from his perspective and enables me to be understanding on days when he isn’t able to act in ways a “good” partner would. Instead of focusing on how he can be loving toward me, this practice gives me the opportunity to identify how I can be loving and supportive of him.

    4. Get aware of how your response perpetuates your partner’s unloving behavior.

    It takes two hands to clap. When our partner isn’t being loving, the ego’s response is to think, “I don’t deserve this, so I’m going to retaliate and claim back my power.” Such a reaction only traps us in a lose-lose cycle.

    We pit ourselves against each other, when deep down all we want is to feel that our partner cherishes us and is on our side as our biggest supporter.

    Whenever I feel tempted to react negatively, I take a deep breath and direct my thoughts to how I can break the vicious cycle. I’ll ask myself, “How can I communicate my boundaries on unacceptable behavior without angry words of blame, judgment, and criticism?”

    The challenge is to swap the unconstructive reflex of finger pointing with the constructive practice of educating our partners on the right way to treat us.

    5. Be loving, but keep healthy expectations and boundaries.

    While it’s important to be the right person in a relationship, rather than wait for one, it’s critical that we maintain firm boundaries. Being loving should not happen at the expense of our sense of self-worth.

    It’s healthy to expect our partners to treat us with respect, to prioritize us, to communicate their feelings to us, and to show appreciation. When our partners start to take us for granted, we need to communicate in a firm but non-confrontational way that we will not accept that behavior.

    —

    How do you respond when your partner is acting in unkind and unloving ways? Do you think these tips could help?

    Upset couple image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    Listening

    “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    If I’m honest, I don’t think I listened to another person until I was in my thirties. I wasn’t really listening, not completely. It’s not that I’m super selfish or vain; I was just so busy doing the mental gymnastics that I thought I had to do to keep up in conversations that I missed what was actually being said to me.

    I grew up in a family where it felt like nearly everything that was said had another, unspoken meaning. I remember feeling really confused as a child, not sure why the things that were said to other people were so different from what I’d heard in private and why what was said was not always what ultimately happened.

    There was definitely an element of “do as I say and no as I do” in there, but it was more than that too. It was like there was a hint of secrecy underneath those conversations. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or understand it at the time, I certainly remember that I felt it, and that it had a big impact on me.

    I often felt like there was something else that wasn’t being said, and that if I could just figure out what that something was, all the pieces would fit together and everything would finally make sense.

    This created so much uncertainty for me: Why wasn’t I good enough and trustworthy enough to be told? Why did they think I wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why wasn’t I smart enough to figure this out?

    In the end, I never could make all those pieces fit, even after years and years of trying. Now, looking back on those experiences and those messages I got while I was growing up, I can see what happened instead was that I developed some very unhealthy habits and beliefs about people and the world.

    I learned to be hypersensitive to other people and their emotions, and perfectionism took over all areas of my life. I was just a kid, but I was trying so hard to read other people’s minds, interpret and analyze their words, and to prepare myself (mostly through endless worrying) for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

    Let’s skip a few of the messy middle bits where I failed miserably at perfectionism and mind reading (and I’m so grateful that I did!) Fast forward to me as a grown up, having kids of my own, to me loving them so fiercely and wanting to always be able to communicate with them, no matter what.

    So I did what anyone in my situation would do—I searched desperately for someone to tell me what to do; I googled, I read self-help books, and did coaching and counselling. All that helped bit by bit, but it wasn’t quite enough.

    It wasn’t quite the right fit for me and I needed to figure out a way to make it my own. Thankfully, kids start out as babies, so I had a bit of time to try out a bunch of different things and put my own unique spin on what I’d been learning about before my kids started having bigger, more complicated emotions and asking me Why? all the time.

    I’ve done all kinds of self-development work around mindfulness, forgiveness, and gratitude, which has given me a new appreciation for my family, for those skills I learned in childhood, and for my own sensitivity. After all, they’re part of what makes me really good at helping people and at being an amazing parent, wife, and friend.

    Even though I was able to change a lot of my old beliefs, the way I was communicating, and the way I was parenting my own kids, it still took me a really long time and a lot of practice to learn to trust that what people say is what they mean.

    It turns out that this practice is an actual practice. It’s called “literal listening,” which may sound all fancy, but it’s really quite simple and you don’t need anything special to do it—just another person who is talking and some patience.

    Basically, when you’re having a conversation, you focus on the actual words that the other person is saying and respond to them from a place of sincere belief that this is what they actually mean.

    Definitely try this out with your partner, if you have one, and your kids! It might feel a bit strange or difficult at first, but it’s a much simpler way of relating to other people and it’s totally worth putting in the effort to learn.

    Just listen. Listen to the words that are being said to you. And ask yourself, What is the literal meaning of these words? If I believed these words are true, how would I respond?

    The caveat: People don’t always know how they feel, what they need, or what to say. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they choose to be extra careful or extra vague with their words. And sometimes, no matter how sincere your efforts at literal listening are, there are other unspoken things going on underneath their words.

    The truth is, listening and understanding will never be exact; language is messy and words are shaped by individual experiences. But it can get so much better, and this is the way!

    So, if you find yourself stuck, or if you’re having trouble following the other person’s literal meaning, just ask. Ask for clarification, ask for more information, or ask them to repeat what they’ve said. The other person will be so happy you cared enough to ask, and then you can practice your literal listening skills on whatever they say next.

    When I first started doing this with my husband and kids, I had to explain that I needed more concrete responses from them (it’s really hard to work with grunts, maybes, and I don’t knows!) and sometimes even ask them to explain things to me again, using different words.

    I also have a few things I started saying to them over and over: I trust that what you say is what you mean (because I really do!), I don’t know anything you don’t tell me (because I really don’t and guessing gets us nowhere!) and I’m not upset, I just need more information from you (because asking for an explanation can sometimes leave the other person feeling like you’re trying to start an argument).

    With practice, you’ll realize you no longer have to try to read between the lines, guess at the other person’s ulterior motives, or mind read. And that you can let go of trying to squeeze that one conversation or one sentence into the context of an entire relationship, let go of holding on to the past, and let go of all that judging, second guessing, and over analyzing.

    There’s an extra added bonus too: You’ll also start to notice that you trust yourself more, because you’ll learn to say what you actually mean too. You’ll start to communicate more clearly and confidently, and other people will notice (and probably thank you for not expecting them to read your mind like everyone else does!)

    Just think about how much time and mental energy you could save by using literal listening—not to mention how much more honest and trustworthy the other person will feel and how much more safe and certain you will feel.

    Let’s be real here, I’m not saying literal listening is going to fix every communication problem you’ve ever had and that you’ll never be upset or disappointed by someone else again. You are, after all, a human being talking to other human beings and we’re all beautifully complicated and sometimes changeable.

    What I’m saying is, we all have hundreds of little exchanges and conversations every day, so give literal listening a try. Try it today with the next person you talk to. You have nothing to lose, no one will ever know you’re doing it, and it will absolutely change your relationships for the better.

    Listening image via Shutterstock

  • How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    Man in Rays of Sun

    “Make ‘Let go of control’ your mantra today.” ~Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges #177

    When the phone call came I was thousands of miles from home. My father was suddenly ill, admitted to the hospital. I was a medical doctor by then, and I felt a foreboding.

    My mind went back to my childhood.

    Imagine being a little child in a dark room. Every small noise evokes images of vicious monsters lurking in the night. They draw nearer.

    You cry out, “Daddy!” And cry out once more. Then your hero comes to the rescue.

    Your father shuffles in half-asleep, picks you up, and pats you to sleep. All terrors dispelled, you feel invincible in your father’s arms. That’s one of my earliest memories.

    That feeling of utter safety and joy in my father’s arms was deeply imprinted in me. I said to my wife, “I don’t want to lose him!” He wasn’t very old, my mother had just retired, and they intended to travel the world together.

    Only months earlier I had taken our daughter to visit him. His first grandchild had thrilled him beyond description. He gazed at her adoringly as she fell asleep, bought a parrot in a cage to amuse her, clowned around to keep her laughing, and generally behaved as if he was high on love.

    Now we had a brand new baby, a son. My father had not seen him. “As soon as Daddy’s well again, I’ll come back with our son,” I thought.

    I rushed from the airport to my father’s hospital bed. He seemed to have aged by decades in the few months since our last visit! A variety of tubes went into and out of him, his eyes were shut.

    “Daddy, it’s me,” I said. His arms, pinned down by tubes, tried to reach up for a hug. The tangle of tubes made a hug impossible.

    Over the next few days I watched with growing frustration as he sank. All my instincts as a son and a doctor were to save him by any means. I demanded to speak to his very able doctors, and urged them to try a novel, desperate procedure.

    It was too late; his internal organs started shutting down. As the sun set over the sea outside the window, I held his hand and chanted to him softly, “Sleep in peace, old warrior, my darling.” He died some hours later.

    The fact of his death didn’t sink in immediately. I was still smiling at his funeral, comforting and reassuring the mourners.

    The next morning I woke up in my old bedroom and went automatically toward the bathroom where Dad would usually be shaving. He wasn’t there. I couldn’t exchange the usual “Good morning.” That’s when it hit me.

    I broke down, blabbing like a baby. His brother, my uncle, hugged me close. It was the start of a slow grieving process, which opened my eyes to a few things about life.

    1. You can’t control some of the most important things, so stop pretending. Be less impatient and more carefree.

    As Nietzsche wrote, “Through the certain prospect of death a precious, fragrant drop of frivolity might be mixed with every life.” Or, as Belloc wrote, “There’s nothing worth the wear of winning but laughter and the love of friends.”

    Make some room each day to nourish celebration, no matter how dire your circumstances. You’re breathing; treat that as a gift. Inhabit each moment more fully instead of being constantly preoccupied with the past or future.

    2. Don’t postpone happiness.

    It’s okay to make plans for when you’re 100, but don’t forget to reach for fulfillment this year, this month, this week, and today. You aren’t just preparing for life; this day and this moment are all you might have.

    As the economist Keynes wrote, “In the long run we’re all dead.” Make sure you live before you die.

    3. Don’t be afraid to reach for your dreams, even if you might fail.

    No matter what you do or don’t, the eventual outcome of your life is certain: death. Death can be sudden and unexpected.

    If you can’t predict when you’ll die, there’s little point in fearing small failures. Just aim for the most fulfilling life you can imagine, and take one meaningful step after another in that direction. You’ll surprise yourself with how much you achieve, and how meaningful the journey is.

    Sometimes you’ll win and sometimes you’ll lose, but join the games that fit you. Only potentially catastrophic risks need put you off.

    When the dice roll against you, remember death. It will help you make molehills out of mountains. That’s how you’ll stand like a rock in the storms of life.

    4. Fill your minutes with fulfillment and the years will take care of themselves.

    Time slips away like the sand in an hourglass. The hourglass of your life, however, can collapse without warning.

    Live intentionally; choose what work, play, and celebration receive your precious time. Even if you have a boss, find ways to be the pilot of your own life. Don’t be afraid to move on from soul-destroying situations as you reach for more fulfillment.

    Don’t neglect to allocate your time intentionally on a weekly and even daily basis. Align work, chores, play, relaxation, and celebration with your most cherished values.

    5. Measure your success by criteria that go beyond money.

    There’s only so much you can eat and drink, and only so much bed-space you can occupy. Don’t let the pursuit of money blind you to the wider ingredients of a deeply fulfilling life.

    As Steve Jobs said, “Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me.”

    6. Make the most of the sheer, primal joy of family.

    One of the best gifts I gave my father was the joy of holding his first grandchild. I have a picture of them together, from our short visit. It’s one of my most treasured possessions.

    It’s amazing: two individuals come together and make a baby, then that baby often goes on to make a baby of the next generation. When someone says you have your father’s eyes or your mother’s nose, they are usually seeing a physical part of your parents in you.

    If you’ve started a family, don’t treat it as an interruption in your “real” life. Recognize, respect, and nurture it as a deep and priceless part of your being.

    7. Don’t let grudges simmer.

    Death takes away the opportunity to clear the air and make things right with someone. Do it now.

    I was blessed with a beautiful relationship with my father, which easily bore the weight of our faults and shortcomings. However, his death prompted me to put things right with other loved ones.

    If you were to exchange circumstances and history with someone else, you might behave even worse than they do. Be more understanding toward the real or imagined faults of others. Even your parents are mere human beings deserving of your understanding and forgiveness.

    8. Build hoops of love that can reach beyond the grave.

    My father is with me everywhere now. I should have a hole in my heart where he was, but it’s partly filled by the wonderful love that flourished between us and which I still feel vividly.

    The grief of loss is still real, but the profound love which underlies the grief is like an everlasting balm.

    9. Don’t underestimate the power of touch.

    As I broke down the morning after the funeral, my uncle’s hug was more comforting and healing than any words could be.

    People with depression will tell you how powerfully comforting the gentle touch of a loved one can be. A hug can reach the parts that mere words can’t reach.

    10. Live as if nobody’s watching.

    When you’re dead, the expectations of others will be irrelevant to you. Don’t squander your life suppressing your own potential in order to chase the approval of others.

    Keep growing in your understanding of the gifts and treasures within you, which deserve and require nurturing. Keep growing toward your best self, and recognize that you are a unique gift to the world. Don’t blindly copy the lives of others, or you might die before you’ve had a chance to live your own life.

    Death often brings indescribable grief and pain to the bereaved. But it’s also a great teacher.

    Whenever you remember death, treat it as a pointer to a better life. Create a life in which each moment expresses your cherished values. Then death, however sudden and unexpected, won’t be able to snatch fulfillment away from you.

    Man in rays of sun image via Shutterstock

  • Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Let It Go

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Lyndsay G
    • Beth Casey
    • Marsha Lawrence
    • Claudia Menger
    • Teejayhanton

    You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    When I was a kid, I could color for hours. I could be a little Type-A about it; if I went outside the lines, I would often rip out the page and throw it away, and I may even have yelled, “I hate coloring!” while cursing my imperfection.

    But that was a lie—I loved it. So it was only a matter of time before I way lying on my stomach in the living room, humming the Gummy Bears cartoon theme song, and trying again for a crayon masterpiece.

    Years later, in my early twenties, I did the exact same thing in my living room while my boyfriend (at the time) played video games. I remember thinking we were both regressing, but I didn’t care.

    We’d each battled depression before, and were always on the lookout for something to numb the pain. I don’t think we consciously realized it at the time, but that’s exactly what we were doing right then, in a far healthier way than usual.

    There was something so calming about doing these mindless, childlike activities, free from the burden of our usual stresses. Bills were piling up, neither of us had a career path, but for that short time, our minds felt free.

    In my late twenties, having lost touch with my coloring habit for years, I went to a visit a friend who had a toddler at the time. Sure enough, I found her coloring with what she called “Mommy’s markers.”

    Unlike her son’s, these ones had fine point tips, ideal for coloring intricate pictures. I sat down, pulled out a page, and once again I was hooked.

    Still, I didn’t keep the habit for long. I remember thinking she had an excuse—she had a son. But it was a little embarrassing for me to color, alone, in my free time.

    That’s what I thought back then. Now, however, I’m not afraid to admit it: I love coloring. I love my fine point markers. I love my stack of coloring books.

    I love the time I take for myself to clear my head and focus on something fun and creative. I love that this enables me to relax, recharge, and not reflect, as I do all too often throughout my day.

    And I love that adult coloring is all the rage now, and there are so many awesome coloring books to choose from.

    I’m still a little Type-A about it—I admit I’ve ripped out a few pages after coloring outside of the lines. But I’ve also learned to turn “mistakes” into interesting details, challenging my sometimes-judgmental mind to turn the “bad” into “good.”

    Since I’m always on the lookout for new coloring books (a sentence I never thought I’d write as an adult), it was quite serendipitous when I received an email about Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress.

    Illustrated by Sherise Seven, the book includes forty one-sided, hand-drawn, perforated coloring pages and eleven activity pages that will “push your brain toward happiness and inspirational positive thoughts.”

    I love how this book is filled with unique, intricate images and uplifting messages. And I especially appreciate that it comes with a color protector page so I don’t ruin any of the awesome pictures from color bleeding through the page.

    Lori-Deschene-Let-It-Go-Coloring

    Yes, that’s my work above. (Look Mom, I stayed in the lines!)

    If you too are looking for a fun, creative, stress-relieving hobby, I highly recommend grabbing a coloring book—and fortunately, I have five copies of Let It Go to giveaway. 

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of five free copies:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, share the giveaway on Facebook or Twitter, and include the link in your comment.

    You can enter until Friday, December 25th.

    Want to grab a copy now? You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.