Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why Happiness Means Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

    Why Happiness Means Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

    “Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.” ~Mandy Hale

    As a child, you imagine (with much excitement!) the life that you are determined to have as you grow up.

    The life that you are meant to have.

    We have expectations. Lots of them. Only reality doesn’t always quite match up.

    Life twists and turns, changing direction to forge new paths, and things happen that don’t match the idealized playbook in our head.

    Some of these things are good; some are not so good.

    So how do you cope when the unimaginable, the undesired, happens?

    How do you react when you wake up and realize that your life is not at all how you imagined it would be?

    Understand that it is okay to mourn the loss of the life you had planned for yourself.

    Critical illness. Disability. Chronic pain.

    We all have circumstances in our lives that are not ideal.

    These are just a few of mine.

    I never imagined I would find myself at times living through what I can only describe as my own personal hell.

    My life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

    Many things I never imagined or wanted to happen in my life, and yet they did and they have and they are.

    It can be difficult to let go of the life we think we are supposed to have.

    There is a sense of entitlement, a sense of “Why me? Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I have/do/be what I want?”

    Whether they are lifestyles and material items you no longer have, or were simply hopes for the future, know that it’s okay to mourn what once was or what you hoped would be.

    And then you get back up on the horse.

    There has to come a time for acceptance.

    When things aren’t going well, when we are really struggling with life’s curveballs, it’s all too easy to spiral down the path of despair and assume tomorrow will bring just as much pain, as much fatigue, as many imposed limitations, as today.

    To feel frustration, anger, and disappointment at the unfairness of it all.

    These emotions are natural when we experience adversity, but they are not helpful to live with long term.

    There has to come a time for acceptance. Only then can we start to move forward and find happiness.

    I live with a chronic medical condition. There is more pain, fatigue, and limitations in my life than I ever thought possible.

    It hurts to not be able to do all the things I used to be able to do, or want to be able to do but can’t.

    And yet I still live a very fulfilled and happy life.

    I actively search for ways to live well in spite of my chronic illness, to expand my life and find my purpose, to find my joy.

    It comes down to the choices I make—balancing treatments, diet, and lifestyle with chronic illness management—to assist me to live beyond the medical conditions that could so easily define, so easily limit, who I am and all that I can be.

    Expressing my feelings through my writing, fueling my body with nourishing food, working to the extent that I am able, sitting outside in the sunshine—they all add up to help me to find my happy.

    To help me accept the reality of what is and minimize the lamenting, the agonizing despair, of what isn’t.

    To move forward in the best way I can.

    What are you holding on to right now that’s holding you back? What joy might you be missing out on while lamenting things that never came to be? What would you do to enjoy today if you accepted your reality just as it is and decided to make the best of it?

    Celebrate the beauty of right now.

    Learning to live in the moment can be one of the most difficult things to master.

    I still have times when I wish my life were different (pain-free would be a great start!); where I struggle with letting go of what “could have been” and how life was “supposed to be.”

    But if I spent all my time focusing on everything that was wrong in my life, then I wouldn’t see the good that is still very much present.

    The love and support of my family and friends.

    The personal growth that only my (extreme!) experiences could teach me.

    Chronic illness has brought me to my knees but it has also led me on an expedition of self-awareness and improvement, survival, love, and empowerment.

    It has taught me to enjoy life in all its guises, the small pleasures as well as the big ones.

    Taking positive steps every day to create a healthier, happier existence is key.

    Focus on what is good in your life because there is always something if we are prepared to look hard enough.

    Still can’t seem to find the good? Ask yourself: Who’s been there for me through this journey of acceptance? What have I learned about life or myself through this experience? What opportunities lie within this challenge for renewal or transformation?

    Also, be proactive to create good things in your life. Take up a new hobby, pursue the things that matter to you, learn a new skill or go on that weekly coffee date with your bestie so there is less room to indulge idle, and oftentimes destructive, thoughts about things you cannot change.

    Celebrate your life for what it is right now, warts and all.

    “Because we only have one life. We get one shot at making it worth living. We took our shot and ran like hell with it.” ~J.A. Redmerski

    Now it’s your turn! What have you had to let go of to find happiness? What have you fought hard to keep?

  • 3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Self-Worth (And How to Stop)

    3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Self-Worth (And How to Stop)

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Self-worth comes from knowing that you are enough, just as you are. You are inherently worthy, and you don’t need anyone else’s approval.

    I didn’t always hold myself in high regard, or treat myself with the respect I deserved. I’m now in my thirties and live a beautiful life filled with self-love, kindness, and passion, but in my younger years I suffered from low self-worth.

    I had my fair share of life lessons and allowed myself to be treated poorly.

    I begged for love from a partner who was repeatedly unfaithful, holding onto hope that somehow he would change.

    I criticized my perfectly healthy and beautiful body, wishing it were different, and endlessly compared it to how others’ bodies.

    I also unconsciously bought into the belief that it was selfish to look after myself rather than seeing it as an essential part of supporting myself.

    I spent years being my own worst critic, and I couldn’t understand how to become my own best friend.

    I now recognize that I was desperately craving love and attention, but was withholding it from myself. I had forgotten my inherent power and worthiness.

    We all have times when we get caught up in routines and behaviors that don’t support us, yet we have the ability to make changes in our lives. We are never powerless. Once we understand where we might be hurting ourselves, it becomes much easier to know how to step up and support ourselves.

    Here are three ways you may be undermining your own self-worth, and how you can stop.

    1. Stop focusing on what is wrong with you.

    Most of us have a tendency to focus on what is wrong with us, and what it is we want to “fix.” We may focus on the fact that we think we are too big, too shy, not pretty enough, or not capable enough. There is no end to the ways we can critique ourselves! We unconsciously get into the mental routine of continually undermining our own self-worth.

    As a teenager, I struggled with my body image. Tragically, I look back and recognize that I had no reason to, but at the time I was comparing myself to the glossy images in magazines and other people who looked nothing like me.

    I hated my fair skin, was unhappy that my thighs touched, and thought my lips were too thin. I wanted to be a beautiful person, but thought of myself as anything but. I was relying purely on my physical appearance for my self-worth.

    Over the last fifteen years I’ve built a beautiful relationship with my body, and also with my soul. I now see my body as an amazing creation that allows me to experience life. I am grateful for my beating heart and two legs that hold me steady. I also recognize that I have a caring and kind nature, and those internal attributes are much more important than how I look on the outside.

    The lesson: Consciously focus on what is right with you.

    Regardless of how you might want to improve, you have things that are worth celebrating about yourself. You have gifts and unique talents that have come together to create you—a unique expression of humanity.

    Don’t overlook how amazing that is. Remember all the things you love about yourself and make a list. If you find it difficult to bring to mind the things that are so very right with you, ask a close friend what it is they appreciate about you and truly listen to and believe their response.

    2. Stop accepting less than you deserve.

    Many of us look for our self-worth in the wrong places. Rather than deriving it from ourselves, it’s easy to get into the habit of looking to others to make us feel worthy and loved. This can lead to struggling stand up for yourself and what, deep down, you know you deserve.

    By not wanting to upset others, you may end up giving too generously and find yourself in relationships where you feel you do not get enough in return.

    I have fallen into this trap in many relationships over the years. With friends, I would desperately make sure I paid for things to ensure I was never in debt to anyone, and always ended up spending more.

    I stayed in an unhealthy relationship littered with infidelity for years longer than I should have because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself and say, “How you are treating me is not okay.” It leads to feelings of frustration and resentment, and erodes your self-worth.

    My need to be liked and keep others happy led to situations where others took advantage of my good nature. I forgot it was my birthright to have boundaries, and that I didn’t have to put up with other people’s bad behavior. I had forgotten my power to say no.

    The lesson: You teach people how to treat you.

    Boundaries are important, and if something doesn’t feel right to you, you have to stand up for yourself and say no—whether it is someone’s behavior that’s crossed a line, or their ongoing expectations of your giving nature. You cannot expect anyone else to look out for your needs if you are not willing to first look out for yourself.

    If you tolerate negative situations or draining friendships, you are unconsciously saying yes to that type of behavior.

    Give yourself the space to reflect on your current relationships and have the courage to ask, “Do I feel I am treated as I deserve?” If the answer is no, don’t be afraid to reclaim your self-worth and stand up for what you need. You’ll feel better in the long run.

    3. Stop putting yourself at the bottom of your to-do list.

    Many of us have unconsciously taken on the belief that looking after ourselves is indulgent and selfish, and that the right thing to do is to take care of everyone else first. We put our own well-being at the bottom of our to-do lists and just hope that we might have some time and energy left to give to ourselves.

    Yet, if we don’t nourish ourselves, we won’t actually have anything to give. You cannot pour from an empty cup. When you put yourself at the bottom of your to-do list, you begin to burnout. You get sucked into a cycle of exhaustion, martyrdom, and low self-worth.

    Although I always had a tendency to give to others before myself, this wasn’t a lesson I was truly faced with until I had children in my late twenties. When there are multiple people relying on you, it becomes very easy to slip into martyrdom and begin to believe you have no time for yourself. After a couple of years of this routine, I reached a breaking point where I felt burned out and depleted.

    Slowly but surely, I began to start finding the time for small acts of self-care that revived and restored my spirit.

    I found an outlet for my creativity by starting a blog; I began reading again and regularly taking long hot showers. They were small things that made a big difference. I went from feeling rundown, exhausted, and unsure of my worth, to remembering the things that made me feel alive, energized and whole.

    The lesson: Recognize that self-care is an essential part of supporting yourself.

    When you show yourself respect by prioritizing your needs, and fill up your own cup, you send yourself a message that you are important and worthy.

    By consistently showing yourself this level of respect, you can pull yourself out of the cycle of exhaustion and martyrdom and begin to build self-worth. We each have different things that fill us up and make us feel alive and well inside, but you owe it to yourself to discover these things and make time for them in your life.

    —

    Cultivating self-worth will be a life-long journey for most of us. It is likely that many times over, life will knock our confidence and we will be required to once again dig deep into ourselves and uncover our inherent worthiness. Being aware of how we can support ourselves empowers us to take actions that will move us forward on the path to greater self-worth.

  • How to Have a Peaceful Mother’s Day with a Difficult Mother

    How to Have a Peaceful Mother’s Day with a Difficult Mother

    Mother and Daughter

    “I’d rather be honest and authentic and disappoint some people than to exhaust myself trying to keep up the facade of perfection.” ~Crystal Paine

    “You’re the Best Mom Ever!”

    Nope.

    “You’ve always listened, loved, and let me lean on you.”

    Not really.

    For most of my adult life, every year before Mother’s Day I stood in front of a beautiful display of cards fairly bursting with love, and tried to find one that my authentic self would allow me to give my mother, and that my mother would be pleased enough with that the day would be calm and pleasant.

    Out of the corner of my eye, I saw other people browsing, smiling, choosing, and leaving, while I stood there desperately trying to find a verse that would honor my personal integrity.

    Eventually, I would find one that was close enough—usually one that expressed what a wonderful woman I thought she was. Because I did. Then I’d head to the checkout counter with a knot in my stomach.

    My mother was a narcissist, and most likely had borderline personality disorder.

    She was extremely intelligent, attractive, sometimes funny, and a real go-getter. Her creative output was truly amazing. But our relationship was fraught with competition from day one—a push/pull of my trying to satisfy her limitless needs while holding on to whatever threads of my inner self that I could.

    There wasn’t much room in her life for me, other than as an extension of herself.

    Over the years, I investigated and experimented with innumerable maneuvers to try and please her. But either she did not want to be pleased, or she did not care to grant me the satisfaction of having made her happy. I never knew which it was; I only knew that I never pleased her.

    Mother’s Day was one of the most difficult holidays in our family, because no matter what happened or how much attention we gave my mother, her bottomless need for attention remained unfulfilled at the end of the day.

    I finally learned that the only way to maintain my sense of self was to give what I comfortably could and let the result roll off my back. Of course, it took a few decades of off-and-on therapy before I could separate myself enough from the enmeshment with my mother that I could keep my own point of view in the forefront of my mind while I interacted with her.

    I’d like to share some things I learned in the hopes of helping others whose relationships are similarly entangled. This same advice could apply to your father, should you need this come June.

    1. Remember that in the real world, your needs are just as important as your mother’s.

    It may only look like hers are massively more important because that’s how she behaves. Do something nice for yourself on Mother’s Day if you can—especially if you’re a mother or father yourself.

    2. Try to hold on to your own point of view even while you’re interacting with your mother.

    For decades, I just dissociated and became the “Good Little Girl” whenever I was with my mother, but in doing that I caused myself several weeks’ worth of plummeting self-esteem after each visit.

    Even if you don’t speak your mind, you can hold on to your own beliefs and feelings about the relationship so you don’t totally lose yourself.

    3. Choose not to add fuel the fire.

    If your mother gets upset or tries to initiate a struggle, say something like, “This is your special day, Mom. Let’s not fight.”

    4. If you need space, take it.

    Use the bathroom, go for a walk, offer to get her a cup of coffee or a sweater so you can move to another room. If it works for you, ask a friend a few days before the event to give you a call at a certain time, then say, “Sorry, I have to take this,” and move into another room or outside.

    5. Photos can defuse a difficult situation.

    Have some photos of your kids, pets, friends, or landscapes on your phone, and whip it out if needed: “Hey, did I show you the new photo of Rover?” Also, this tactic turns your attention and hers from each other to a device.

    6. Refrain from mentioning any great news you have until a few days after Mother’s Day, unless it includes your mother.

    Some mothers are pleased to share the spotlight; some are not.

    7. Remember that you’re probably doing a great job of supporting and encouraging your mother, and you’re most likely an intelligent, talented, and worthy person.

    Don’t buy into whatever criticisms your mother might throw at you. Some people get a lift from criticizing—even when they’re just making something up.

    8. When you leave, leave it behind you.

    Move your thoughts to something you’re excited or happy about. Don’t run over the conversations in your head. They’re in the past, and you can accomplish so much more without bad movies replaying over and over in your mind.

    —

    In spite of my lifelong difficulties with my mother, there were many things I loved about her. You might say I loved her soul—it was her personality that caused the difficulty.

    If you can remain aware of what you love about your mother, it may make your time together easier. And since what you focus on expands, it might even bring those qualities out in her behavior over time.

    I know on a very deep level how difficult it can be to move forward in life when a parent seems to do everything possible to hold you back. But it’s imperative to keep going, to build a life that fulfills you. One day your mother will be gone, and there will be much more space in your life for you and your needs and desires. Don’t let her “timing” dictate when you get to start living your life.

    In fact, I think there should be a “Celebrate Self Day” to go with all the other holidays. It may be what we all most need.

  • Finding Freedom in Illness: A Guide to Suffering Less When Sick (Interview & Giveaway)

    Finding Freedom in Illness: A Guide to Suffering Less When Sick (Interview & Giveaway)

    Sick

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway include:

    • Naomi
    • KC
    • Lisa Pellegrino
    • Caroline Létourneau
    • Viktor Dmitriv
    • Kristin Kollinger
    • Heather S
    • Erica Lombard
    • Christine
    • Bridget Howe

    If you’ve ever been sick for a prolonged period of time, you understand how physically, mentally, and emotionally draining it can be.

    Maybe you don’t know what’s causing your illness, or how to treat it, and you’re tired of searching for answers.

    Maybe you blame yourself for repressing emotions, not exercising, or otherwise potentially causing your condition; or maybe you don’t hold yourself responsible, but fear that others do.

    Maybe you can no longer do the things you love; or maybe you can do them, but it’s much harder, and therefore, far less satisfying.

    While I’ve never struggled with a long-term physical illness, I’ve watched loved ones grapple with serious challenges; I’ve sympathized with their feelings, fears, and frustrations; and I’ve wished I could do something to help.

    Going forward, I will point them to Tiny Buddha contributor Peter Fernando’s new book, Finding Freedom in Illness: A Guide to Cultivating Deep Well-Being through Mindfulness and Self-Compassion. 

    Having struggled with various chronic illnesses through the years, Peter knows what it’s like to live a life that’s full of challenges and losses. He’s experienced prolonged periods of darkness, despair, desperation, and discomfort—and yet he still believes he’s lived a wonderful life.

    Why? Because he chooses to see his illnesses as spiritual teachers. And though he admits he would not have chosen them, he’s learned, through them, to free himself from the mental suffering that comes from judging the present.

    Profoundly insightful, Finding Freedom in Illness explores how anyone can free themselves from their suffering and access the liberating power of here-and-now awareness. Though the book is clearly intended for others dealing with physical conditions, anyone can benefit from the teachings related to mindfulness and self-compassion. I know I certainly have.

    I’m grateful that Peter took the time to answer some questions about his book, and that he’s offered ten free copies to Tiny Buddha readers.

    Finding freedom in illnessTHE GIVEAWAY

    To enter to win one of ten free copies of Finding Freedom in Illness:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on Twitter or Facebook, and post a second comment with the link

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, May 9th.

    *Winners in the US will receive a print copy. Winners outside the US will receive a gift card to order a free digital copy.

    THE INTERVIEW

     1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’m a guy in his late thirties who was a Buddhist monk in his twenties. I’ve been living with various health conditions for most of my life, and bodily challenges have been a huge part of the path for me. I teach meditation in Wellington, NZ with Original Nature Meditation Centre, and run an online course, A Month of Mindfulness.

    The book arose of out conversations I had been having with other folks on the spiritual path, people who also have been living with illness—and a sense of the disorientation, distress, and confusion that can ensue when faced with such challenges and limitations. So, the main inspiration was wanting so share some love!

    On another level, my own situation has highlighted the difficulty in attending retreats or groups on a regular basis, and a need for a home-based practice that is tailored to the specific issues, emotions, and challenges that accompany the experience of being physically unwell.

    For example: When you can’t sit up for long periods of time, how do you meditate?

    When you are exhausted, how do you open your heart and find a real sense of kindness for yourself and others?

    When you are in pain, how do you find a place in yourself that is still okay?

    So I wanted to share some of the practices and perspectives I have developed through trial and error since my twenties, with the hope that they will be useful for folks in similar situations.

    2. I really appreciated your opening chapter, as I think a lot of spiritual people blame themselves for their physical ailments. Can you talk a little bit about the mind/body connection and the difference between taking responsibility for our part in healing and blaming ourselves for being sick?

    This subtle difference has and (continues to be) a central piece of living with illness, for me personally. The bottom line, I think, is don’t beat yourself up for being ill.

    Shame and guilt are so destructive and painful, and yet can easily follow theories of being absolutely responsible for being ill or healthy. Whatever makes you feel ashamed or guilty isn’t going to lead to well-being in the long run.

    From the perspective of the mind that wants to understand our illness (and of course, be as well as we can, on all levels), there is another key piece, for me: any belief is just a belief. It’s not experience.

    So the belief “I’m creating this illness—it’s my fault” is just an idea, right now. The belief “My mind has no bearing on the state of my body” is also just an idea.

    If there are certain mind-body connections that are contributing to our illness, they can only be known by us. Not through a theory, a doctrine, or even trying to mimic someone else’s healing journey. Of course, they are all useful as hypotheses, but not as fixed beliefs about what is going on.

    Awareness practice, on the other hand, takes us right into our own experience, where we begin to know directly what effects certain mind states have on the body, and what effects they don’t have.

    We become curious, and even innocent in our exploration. We don’t have to have a fixed belief in anything, which allows the tendency toward shame or self-blame to relax, and is also where the feeling of freedom begins to emerge. Curiosity and genuine interest in our mind, body, and heart, in this moment, is where the power lies.

    What the process of paying attention reveals about the mind/body connection is different for everyone. There may be one, and there may not be—that’s just how it is.

    Many enlightened teachers have died following long illnesses, such as the teacher of my teachers, Ajahn Chah. Many uptight and stressed out people live physically healthy, outwardly successful lives.

    So the only touchstone for what is real is our own experience, our own body-mind, in the intimacy of awareness. No shoulds, no guilt-trips, and no identity of being a failure. To me, that is what taking responsibility is about.

    3. How does mindfulness help us cope with physical illness, and what’s a simple mindfulness practice anyone can do daily?

    Mindful awareness helps us cope in every way possible! Without being aware of our reactions to pain, loss, social isolation, or fatigue, those reactions will take over.

    When we are aware of what is happening in the present moment, with an embodied awareness, there is a natural inclination to abide in states of being that feel good, and to relax those that don’t.

    If we don’t see them, they take on a life of their own and can become our entire identity, rather than the momentary arising of emotion or perception that they actually were.

    A simple practice I do daily is to stop, close my eyes, and take stock of what’s going on in the mind and heart, for five minutes. No agenda or desire for a specific outcome—just a real curiosity.

    I ask, “What am I doing, right now, in my heart?” And then, “Is this kindness to myself, or is it something else?”

    This is the gateway to authentic mindfulness, in my opinion. To me, an open, kind heart is an essential part of mindful awareness. Attending to its presence or absence goes a long way in tracking the quality of the mind throughout the course of a day.

    4. In chapter 3, you talk about the stories our minds tell us about the present, the past, and the future. Can you elaborate a little on these stories, how they keep us stuck, and how we can start letting them go?

    The word “stories” is a kind of shorthand to refer to the psychological narratives that arise in the mind’s eye, with regard to “Who I am, what others think of me, what I will be, what I was,” and so on.

    They are the first indicator of underlying heart-drives or emotions that are stirring in us. It’s important to say here that the word doesn’t refer to functional stories, which we need to survive. These are useful, when imbued with creativity and wellness of heart.

    Our psychological narratives, on the other hand, are habitual and don’t come from a sense of choice—they are knee-jerk reactions, often with deep historical roots, that take us into some form of stress, suffering, or emotional stuck-ness.

    The habitual, seemingly out-of-control nature of these is their defining characteristic. Starting to let these go is a process that requires sensitivity and patience, in my experience. It’s easy to say, “Just be present,” but to actually do it requires a journey into our own heart. Otherwise, it can become dissociation or avoidance, which doesn’t lead to well-being.

    For me, there are always three stages to the process. The first is mindfulness: seeing what is happening, with objectivity, rather then being caught in it. It’s a kind of stepping back. We realize we can see the mind, not just be caught in it. This is the miracle of mindful awareness, really.

    But seeing a story is one thing. Freeing attention from its grip is another. So the second part of the process is a receptive awareness, feeling how the energy feels in the body.

    This is more than seeing—it’s sensing, which requires a kind of awareness we may not be used to. So we can begin experimenting with it.

    When we feel what’s going on, we can then pan out to recognize that a story is just the branches of a core root feeling.

    For example, the story “I’m going to have a terrible time seeing my friends tomorrow” could just be the root energy of fear. Knowing it as such makes the story seem less personal, and we recognize that these are forces at work in the present, not realities that will happen in the future. It’s all happening now.

    The third stage in the process is relaxation. When we feel the root of a story we can consciously incline toward relaxing around it. Relaxation is another word for letting go. When we relax around an emotion or an energy, it begins to calm. It also has less power to solidify into a full-blown story. We find we can be with instead of be in. Life frees up as a result.

    5. In chapter 4, you wrote, “openness is courage.” Can you expand on this?

    Being open to what is here is perhaps what is most scary for us as humans, I think. Our lives are geared toward distraction, intellect, and ideas—so much so that sitting somewhere without checking our phone, for example, can feel disorienting and uncomfortable.

    It feels uncomfortable and scary because it means being open to what is actually here—including the body and mind and emotions, just as they are. So cultivating that ability is a courageous act.

    When it comes to illness, the stakes are even higher. We’re not just cultivating an openness to “boring life as it is,” but very often to unpleasant sensations, depleted energy, and physical pain.

    Trusting that our own compassionate awareness can meet that, too, is always an act of courage. Sometimes we just can’t, which is okay. And sometimes it’s just not the right thing to do—especially if it heightens the discomfort in the body or the stress in the mind.

    But when we feel resourced enough to rest in awareness, and be with the pure experience of this moment, we gain vistas into new worlds of possibility. If we remain there for a period of time, we may be surprised by a quiet sense of peace and ease that begins to emerge.

    6. In the section on meeting our dark emotions, you wrote that we need to stop judging anger, fear, and despair as “bad.” What do you think is the key to embracing these feelings without getting lost in them?

    Oh, good question! It’s a fine line isn’t it? For me it always comes back to the Buddhist maxim of the “Middle Way”: that poise in the middle of indulging in destructive emotions on the one hand and repressing them on the other.

    My tendency has been more toward the latter, so learning how to actually feel and un-shame them has been a big part of my own journey. However, if one’s tendency is to feed them, get lost in them, and rail against illness, some discernment and wise discrimination can be really useful.

    But most of us have a default setting that judges dark emotions and tries to push them away, to some extent. We believe this is what being “strong” means.

    From the meditative perspective, we are looking for strength in presence, not just strength of will, however. When presence, grounded in the body, meets a force like anger or fear, there is a transformation that can happen. Through not indulging the story, and not trying to push the energy down, we feel what is here, as just so.

    In Buddhist teachings, this is the essence of the third foundation of mindfulness—mindfulness of the heart. Through this poise, the primal energies of dark emotion begin to dissolve, and transfer their energy back to our core presence. They relax and calm without being pushed away. It’s an alchemy of sorts.

    Of course, sometimes we need to push them away temporarily, just to function. The above isn’t an absolute statement about what we should always do.

    But when we gradually train ourselves in the skill of meeting dark emotions as just so, and feel them in the body, we discover a new place in ourselves that can handle their intensity without resorting to self-judgment. This makes living with illness much easier in the long run, in my experience.

    7. Why do you think so many of us deny ourselves rest when we’re drained or unwell, and what mental shift do we need to make to start taking care of ourselves in this way?

    I think it’s something to do with the way we are conditioned to value ourselves. Modern society puts most value on doing, achieving, and “being somebody,” it seems, and very little on “just being.” So we get hooked into it.

    Rest means relaxing an identity of being useful or productive, which can be scary. If our identity is entirely dependent on value-through-doing, then it can feel intolerable to really rest and take care of ourselves. We believe it’s lazy, or self-indulgent, or that we are a failure and there are other people somewhere out there judging us.

    From the perspective of inner well-being and harmonizing with the limitations of our physical condition, however, we can find a different way of viewing conscious rest.

    On the level of the body, it just feels good, so that’s one thing. On the heart level, we realize that it actually reminds us of our real value rather than takes us away from it.

    Our deepest value is just in being us. When we feel that in our hearts, and relax the need to prove ourselves, be approved of, or the opposite sides to that coin, then paradoxically, a new kind of value emerges. It’s one that feels peaceful and meaningful through just being here.

    When we get a sense of that, it becomes much easier to feel confident about consciously resting.

    There’s always a bit of friction involved in changing gears, particularly if our lives are very busy, but it lessens the more we can tune in to the deeper kind of value that comes through letting go of the need to always be someone doing something useful. And weirdly, when we do that, energy to do useful things, within our capacity, often comes back quite naturally.

    8. Can you tell us a little about the difference between pain and suffering, and how we can suffer less?

    Well, that’s a huge topic, with a lot of subtlety involved, I think. For myself, the Buddhist teaching around the difference between painful or unpleasant sensation in itself, on a sensory level, and the existential dis-ease that usually accompanies it, has been very potent.

    Basically, the teaching says that they are two different things. We tend to think they are one in the same, but when we attend carefully and with sensitivity, we begin to notice that while physical pain or discomfort very often conditions suffering in the heart, it doesn’t ultimately have to. So, it’s a freeing teaching.

    It doesn’t mean liking pain, though, or trying to be fit into some kind of equanimous ideal where we never suffer in the face of it. As an ideal, that doesn’t go very far.

    The journey to suffering less around pain involves meeting exactly what is here, including our reactions to it. But by being curious about them, we discover how to relax the heart-contraction around pain.

    Very often, relaxing the contraction (and the stories, judgments, self-images, or predictions that come with it) can lead to more space opening up in our awareness. In this space, physical pain doesn’t have the same hold over the mind. We suffer less.

    9. It’s easy to get down on ourselves when we feel we’re not at our best. What has helped you stay out of this trap?

    Well, it’s a trap I am very familiar with, and definitely not free of! But it’s something I have gradually learned to relate to rather than be completely identified with.

    For myself, self-compassion has been the guiding light in this regard. I first used it as a concept, which, in itself, was very powerful. It’s a radical shift from the default position of inner-tyranny many of us live within. On the conceptual level, it takes a bit of reflection to come alive.

    I remember feeling like it was indulgent or selfish to be compassionate with myself, in the beginning. But it slowly started to make good sense, particularly when I saw directly that it actually increased my ability to relate to others in the same way.

    Then on the heart level, it’s been a cultivation—creating space around the identity of the me who is “wrong” in some way, and really holding that sense with a sense of great warmth and kindness.

    In this space, I began to feel what tyrannical mind actually does in the present moment: it generates pain. Compassion began to arise when I started being aware of this pain in a very direct but tender and patient way.

    It started to teach me. It was like, “Oh, okay. When I hold on to these self-images, this is the result. Wow—that’s really painful. Maybe I could start to relax that?”

    So the heart began to learn, naturally, when I took the time to bring awareness to bear upon what often seemed so real and true that I never questioned it.

    10. What’s the main message you hope readers take from this book?

    I think the main message I would like to communicate is that being physically ill doesn’t mean we can’t have a rich inner life. There are ways of living with the limitations of illness that can open us right into the magic of this existence.

    We don’t need to feel like we’ve failed, we are wrong, or there is no hope. The real treasures are right here underneath the surface—for all of us, healthy or not.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    You can learn more about Finding Freedom in Illness on Amazon here.

  • You Are Not for Everyone, and That’s Okay

    You Are Not for Everyone, and That’s Okay

    Quirky Woman

    “One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly okay.” –Unknown

    I grew up a people pleaser. It was drilled into me from childhood that it was very important to be aware of what other people thought of me and my actions at all times. Growing up in the south, keeping up with appearances is something that becomes a part of your identity.

    While I enjoy the part of Southern upbringing that taught me to always be polite, the part that teaches you to put others’ opinion before your own is something that I came to resent.

    Before I made any decision, I was to carefully weigh out how it would affect others and their thoughts of me.

    As a kid, it worked out pretty well. (The whole reason I stayed out of trouble mostly, eh?) As an adult…not so much. The constant need to have everyone like me came back to kick me in the butt, again and again.

    It started out through middle and high school when I was figuring out my interests and passions. In my heart, I felt one way. In person, I obviously leaned toward whatever I thought was “cool.”

    I remember still having the childish awe and passions at that time, but I tried to grow up far too quickly to fit in.

    Before long it got to the point where every decision in my life involved me heavily weighing what other people would think. Obviously as a blogger, this was amplified. You can’t build an online presence without being well liked and doing what’s “popular” on the Internet, right?

    I built myself completely around others’ expectations, from the way I looked, to my friends, to my relationships, passions, personality, and more.

    When people would ask me about myself, I had carefully figured out answers, but they weren’t the same for everyone.

    I became an expert at analyzing people and situations so that I could figure out the person I needed to be for those certain people in order for them to like me. I had no one true self, but instead, many different versions of me made to please everyone and anyone.

    In relationships, it hurt me the most, possibly. I never revealed my true self to anyone—friends or significant others—as I didn’t want to drive them away. If we got into arguments, I would either apologize and take their side or simply pull myself away from them further as I convinced myself that we were not meant to be.

    The journey to my own self-discovery and wanting to please myself most of all came in something unexpected in the last few months—when a friend pulled away from me after I had upset her.

    You see, in the past I had pulled away from everyone else first if they got too close to me, never the other way around.

    It struck me in the healing time that I was not upset because of how close we had become or because I valued them so deeply as a person.

    It turned out, what upset me the most was knowing that there was someone out there who did not like me and was harboring bad feelings toward me. The thought of that tore me apart.

    It wasn’t until I was talking to another friend, and she pointed out that there was most likely a great deal of people that didn’t like me, that I had a revelation.

    There will always be people who don’t like me, possibly people who outright dislike me. By trying to cater my life and decisions to everyone else besides the only person whose feelings mattered (me), I drove myself into an unhappy place in an impossible attempt to make everyone happy. I’d never be able to make everyone happy, and it turns out that that’s fine.

    I spent so much time trying to get everyone to like me that I never figured out that’s not actually what’s best for me. Surprisingly, I figured out that in my life, as well as my business, it’s a good thing to drive people away! That may sound weird, but let me explain:

    It started with this amazing quote from the book Light is the New Black by Rebecca Campbell, which goes like this:

    “You are not for everyone, and that’s okay. The world is full of people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with people who will love you fiercely. You are not for everyone, and that’s okay.

    “Talk to the people who can hear you. Don’t waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won’t ever want what you’re selling. Don’t convince them to walk alongside you. You’ll be wasting both your time and theirs and will inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal.

    “You are not for them and they are not for you; politely wave them on, and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift; don’t cheapen your gift by facing yours in the wrong direction. Keep facing your true north.”

    As you “drive people away,” you only get closer to your ideal people. Those who love you, who want to be close to you, who truly value you, are one step closer.

    Each person who criticizes your ideas and business draws you closer to your ideal clients. Each friend that walks away draws you closer to the people who share your beliefs and passions.

    Being disliked by some is simply a byproduct of being authentic to who you truly are.

    The more you embody your true personality, the more incompatible people will pull away from you.

    That’s okay, because at the same time, the more you adopt your true self, the more like-minded people you’ll draw toward you.

    You are not for everyone, and that’s not just okay, that’s amazing.

    Photo credit: gratisography.com

  • 5 Reasons You Feel Alone (And How to Change That)

    5 Reasons You Feel Alone (And How to Change That)

    Alone

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” ~Arthur C. Clarke

    “You are not alone” is a phrase we speak, hear, and read over and over again.

    Testimony and statistics prove that others have lived our types of misfortune. Given that evidence, why is it that so many of us feel as if we are somehow different than all the others who have triumphed over tragedy or are climbing those proverbial mountains?

    The seed was first planted ages ago when I was having a conversation with a loved one during a difficult time in her life. “I know how you feel,” I said, “I’ve been there.” How many times have you given or received this type of comfort?

    “You’ve never been where I am!” she shouted back at me. “My life’s a living hell.”

    Right then I had an AHA moment. “You’re right,” I said. “I’ve never been in the exact same place you’re in, but I’ve been right next door. Everyone’s hell is different, but everyone has their own.”

    In that moment I realized that, though others have experienced similar hardships and emotions, we can’t fully understand because we are nothing more than bystanders, albeit neighbors who can somehow relate.

    Years after that epiphany, something continued to plague me. Why, when we understand that we aren’t alone, do so many of us still feel alone?

    We are often faced with short-term situational aloneness. A job, school, or home relocation takes us away from friends, family, and associates, often causing a short-term sense of separation. Divorce often creates a shift in our relationships with others as we try to navigate a new social normal.

    Aside from these obvious forms of separation are more subtle, complex, and longer lasting causes.

    Here are five reasons we feel alone and what we need to know about them.

    1. We feel alone because we are alone in our heads and in our hearts.

    It might seem pretty basic, but for those of us who were introduced to “You are not alone” at a young age, or those like me who gravitate toward more straightforward interpretations, we might still internalize the quote more literally. The truth of the matter is that no one other than us can occupy our thoughts or the feelings that are our heartbreak.

    The key to overcoming this type of isolation lies in two things: 1) changing how we identify with the quote and 2) understanding that we are not alone in being alone in those areas. Though we can relate to one another’s situations and suffering, the details, breadth, and depth of every person’s experience is equally similar, yet as unique as our fingerprint.

    2. We compare ourselves to others.

    At some time, every single one of us has compared ourselves to another in a way that shut us down. We say things like “I wish I had her body/ brains/charm/courage/way with words/people.” Comparison comes from one of two places: an inner drive to improve ourselves or some unspoken/unidentified need to discount our abilities.

    When we balance ourselves against others in a way that says we don’t measure up, we invite such feelings as jealousy, resentment, and anger. It’s hard to cover up these types of emotions when we’re trying to connect with those we envy.

    This is an area I struggle to regularly reign in. I am surrounded by people I respect and wish only the best. Sometimes, however, I find myself thinking things like, Maybe if I’d finished my college degree—she graduated while raising a family/working two jobs/insert your whatever—I’d be further along in achieving my goals.

    In other words: I’m not good/ fast/smart/motivated enough/insert your whatever.

    Whether we’re avoiding intimate interaction due to intimidation or we’re pushing others away because of our misguided feelings, we place ourselves outside the circle in which we’d like to be.

    In an attempt to regain our position, we often resort to other problematic behaviors like hiding our vulnerabilities. Covering up who we are further feeds our feelings of isolation because, fundamentally, we are social beings who need to relate to others.

    When we use contrast in a healthy manner (recognizing admirable qualities we want to emulate), we can be motivated and inspired to make life changes. Identifying the underlying emotion (jealousy versus admiration) empowers us to change our thinking and position ourselves back inside that social circle.

    3. We are our own worst critics.

    We all have that inner critic who lets us know when we’re on the wrong path, when we’ve messed up, or aren’t measuring up to the standards we set for ourselves, or those adopted from other’s expectations.

    Common self-deprecating talk often contradicts truth and what we’re hearing from the outside world.

    I’ll never get this right. I’m such a screw up. What is wrong with me?

    This inner critic also masks itself as a protective partner, one that encourages us to feel good about giving up, which adds to our confusion about where and how we fit in. Ah, it’s not that important, anyway is an expression that lulls us into a false sense of security and persuades us to abandon people and purpose. This type of maladaptive comfort is a breeding ground for the comparisons mentioned above, further isolating us from others.

    In her article, Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship?, Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. encourages us to confront the dominating critical inner voice “as a third-party threat.” She writes, “Make sure to identify it and separate it from your real point of view.”

    Firestone goes on to say that acknowledging our power and challenging our defense mechanisms allows us to work on the only thing we have any real control over: ourselves.

    A therapist once asked me if I would hold another person to the same standards and treatment I was employing on myself. Being mindful of how we view ourselves and making room for constructive criticism incites productive change. This sort of kind evaluation allows us to realize that we are, like everyone else, human.

    4. We are filled with emotions such as guilt, shame, or self-loathing.

    These types of feelings attack our very character, our thoughts, and our worthiness. Unresolved remorse over something we said, did, or didn’t do can manifest itself into a perpetual state of shame or low self-esteem, which can morph into hatred for oneself if left untreated.

    When we think badly about ourselves, we often assume others are viewing us the same way. The fear of being judged poorly by others often causes us to conceal our true self.

    We might hide our flaws, cover up our mistakes, and sometimes go so far as to blame others as a way of avoiding ownership. This creates a vicious cycle that creates more internal conflict, pushes people away, and further separates us from social circles.

    In her article Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion, Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. wrote, “Hiding often accompanies behaviors that are themselves a trigger for further shame, such as addictions, compulsive behaviors, harsh self-criticism, or self-denigration.”

    Lamia goes on to suggest that recovering from shame requires a different perspective, one where we accept responsibility for our actions and are willing to recognize certain triggers.

    There was a time in my life where I shoplifted bizarre items like tuna fish. Despite overwhelming shame and fear, I never understood what compelled me, until I finally opened up to my long-term counselor. After numerous questions, he informed me that sometimes people do destructive things to reinforce their beliefs about themselves.

    An active community member on all fronts, people regularly exclaimed how valuable, loving, helpful, and intelligent I was, a direct contradiction to my beliefs that I was unworthy, unlovable, lacking, and not smart enough. That’s why I stole: to prove to myself that I was flawed. When I recognized this disparity and understood my subconscious motivations, the desire disappeared.

    When we stop hiding, take responsibility for our actions, and start to recognize those things that illicit our destructive thoughts and behaviors, we can begin to break down the conflicts that create our lack of confidence. Self-belief allows us room to trust in others, which in turn, makes us feel less alone, and makes us more welcoming and welcomed.

    5. We are distracted.

    This, too, might seem basic, but distracted behavior is often a major cause of separation.

    Think about all those times you’ve tried to have a conversation with your partner, your children, or a friend who is constantly checking a cell phone for social media updates. The message we often read into such behavior is that our time isn’t respected, or that the phone call, text, or update is more important than we are.

    How many times have you been involved in a conversation where someone hears only part of what you say or constantly asks you to repeat yourself? We begin to feel like the other person doesn’t really care. If this type of exchange is habitual, we might find ourselves not wanting to hang out with that individual simply because we want meaningful relationships.

    Many factors could cause us to act this way: We could be avoiding something; we could be bored; or we could have some physiological or psychological condition that makes it difficult for us to focus. Either way, when we are disengaged, people often don’t feel wanted, needed, or important, and they will eventually quit calling and coming around.

    Paying attention to how we are interacting with others and watching for signs that indicate we aren’t engaged will help keep us plugged in to our own availability and help us initiate and maintain active, healthy relationships with others and with ourselves.

    Being aware of our actions, emotions, and thoughts helps us stay connected to others.

    It is the sum of our human experience that can create our loneliness, and it is the sum of our shared human experiences that can unite us with other members of the human race. In the end, as long as there are others to interact with, we are not alone. We simply have to realize this and choose to connect.

  • When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    Colors of happiness

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” ~Helen Keller

    Years ago, a friend had a small party for her son’s fifth birthday. I was expecting to spend most of the party talking to the other adults. But that’s not what happened. Instead, at the insistence of my friend’s son, I spent most of the party entertaining him and the other children.

    Occasionally, I would escape to the living room to talk to the other adults. But before long my friend’s son would emerge from his bedroom and drag me back to play with him and the other kids.

    The truth is that I didn’t mind. In fact, I actually enjoyed the attention. And what happened at the birthday party has been the story of my life. Kids have always been drawn to me, and vice versa.

    Children draw out parts of my personality that adults rarely see: my silly side, my creative side, my playful side. I’m an expert at improvising engaging games and activities for children. And of course, I always join in the fun!

    And yet, despite the natural affinity that I have for children, for most of my adult life I’ve been indifferent to having my own kids. I’ve seen firsthand from family members and from friends how much responsibility children are. And the truth is that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on that responsibility.

    My feelings toward having children changed as I got older and entered my forties. I realized that I really did want to start a family and that having a child was my most important goal.

    Unfortunately, I have reached a point where I seriously doubt that I will ever achieve my goal of having a child. My forty-seventh birthday is rapidly approaching. And my wife will soon turn thirty-nine.

    Granted, we could still become parents. The truth, though, is that I have reservations about having a child at my age, knowing that I’d be responsible for caring for someone into at least my mid sixties. And I worry about what would happen to my child if I were to die when they were still young.

    And so I am slowly accepting that I’ll never be a father, that I’ll never hold my child in my arms.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never hear my child’s first words, never see them take their first steps.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never get to take them to the park, never get to help them with their homework, never get to hold them when they’re going through a tough time.

    Chances are, you’re in a position similar to me. Chances are you too need to accept that you’ll never achieve a particular goal or dream that was important to you.

    Maybe you also need to accept that you’ll never have a child. 

    Or perhaps you had a relationship end and you keep chasing after the other person even though they’ve made it clear that the relationship is over.

    Or maybe there was a career goal that you haven’t been able to achieve due to a physical limitation.

    Or perhaps your dream was something else entirely—a financial goal, or a travel goal, or a personal growth goal.

    Whatever your situation is, I encourage you to consider what you have to gain from accepting that you may never be able to achieve your dream. Continuing to try to change situations that are outside of our control can lead to anger and bitterness, as well as wasted time and energy.

    Meanwhile, learning to accept that we may not achieve some of our goals and dreams has the potential to bring us great freedom. Acceptance frees up our emotional energy and allows us to refocus our time and energy on dreams and goals that are still achievable.

    We can and should do our best to go after our goals and dreams. But we need to do so in the spirit of understanding that we may never achieve them. The hard truth is that much of what happens in life is outside of our control, and all we can do is put forth our best effort.

    Pursuing our dreams is important. But so is knowing when to step away from one dream and move on to another one.

    If you’re ready to step away from one dream in order to free your heart to pursue a new dream, then here are several techniques that can help:

    Have a letting go ceremony.

    Schedule a time and place where you will hold a ceremony dedicated to accepting the end of your dream. This might involve lighting candles, saying prayers or meditating, or burning an object that symbolizes your dream. You might even invite certain family members or friends to participate in the ceremony with you.

    Focus on gratitude.

    Even though you weren’t able to achieve an important goal or dream, you still have much to be grateful for. Keep a regular gratitude journal and continually remind yourself of all the wonderful things in your life. Most importantly, focus your gratitude energy on all the new dreams and opportunities that you now have the time and energy to pursue.

    Learn to be compassionate with yourself.

    Often, when we’re unable to achieve something that’s important to us, we blame ourselves for our failures instead of understanding that much of what happens in life is outside of our control. Set aside a small amount of time every day for prayer or meditation. During this time, focus your energy both on accepting that you did the best you could under whatever circumstances you faced and that it’s time to let go of your dream.

    Use a mantra.

    Develop a mantra that you can silently repeat whenever you need to. For example, if you find yourself ruminating over your inability to achieve your dream, you can close your eyes and repeat a simple phrase such as: “I let go and accept.” The key is to use something simple that resonates with you personally.

    Learning to accept that you won’t achieve your goal or dream takes time. If you’re committed to the path of acceptance, then be prepared to learn to accept over and over and over again. Meanwhile, the value of what you can gain from acceptance is immeasurable: peace of mind, an open heart, and renewed energy to pursue new goals and dreams.

    I am learning to accept that I will never become a father. And new doors and new opportunities are opening up around me.

    I suggest that you try the same with your goals and dreams that are now outside of your reach, instead of continuing to push against a closed door or holding onto the past. Accept, let go, and walk through one of the new doors that has opened up for you.

    Photo by Camdiluv

  • Overcoming General and Social Anxiety: There is Hope

    Overcoming General and Social Anxiety: There is Hope

    Happy Woman

    “F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” ~Zig Ziglar

    “Face everything and rise.” Good advice, but how do we do that when we feel incapable? Well, I recently discovered an effective tool that we can rely on whenever anxiety comes for a visit. And I just can’t describe how grateful I am for that discovery!

    For over ten years I’ve been suffering from general and social anxiety. People who don’t know me well would be surprised to hear that, since I became a master of hiding my feelings. But when I found myself in certain social situations and could not hide those feelings anymore, they would erupt and turn into panic attack episodes, which caused me a tremendous amount of suffering.

    From the outside, one could say my life was as good as it could be. I have supportive parents, a loving girlfriend, a good, steady job, and a house. Unfortunately, my only brother and I are not in touch, but I guess this can happen in the best of families.

    I became a prisoner of my own anxiety. My fear generated physical and emotions symptoms, which generated more fear; it felt like an endless cycle. The weight on my back was so heavy that, despite accepting life, I had lost faith in it.

    After trying several types of treatments, I finally discovered meditation and then went on a ten-day Vipassana retreat. I decided to do this for a few reasons:

    • Evidence shows that this technique has helped prisoners, and I guessed that they had even bigger issues than me. At the start of the retreat, during an introductory event, they showed a movie about how the Indian government introduced Vipassana in jails due to its tremendously effective results.
    • The retreat was donation based, so I knew that no one was taking advantage of my weakness.
    • Deep inside, I knew that I was the person who could best help me. I wanted to learn about myself and understand what was bothering me so much. And the best way of learning, in this case and in general, is by experiencing

    In Vipassana, you learn how to disconnect from the outside world and to connect to your inner world—to experience your sensations and understand that, either good or bad, they will eventually pass. You learn how to become the observer rather than the participant, so you stop reacting to sensations and, therefore, learn to relax.

    Why sensations? Because everything we experience in life through our six senses—sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, and the thinking mind—causes different types of sensations in our bodies, which we automatically label as “good” or “bad.”

    For example, hearing the birds singing in the morning will cause good sensations. On the other hand, hearing the barking of angry dogs would probably cause bad sensations. And those sensations instinctively generate a reaction—one of craving and clinging (we don’t want the beautiful melody to end) or aversion and hatred (we wish that the scary barking would stop).

    We fall in the trap of getting attached to the sensations, and over and over generate a reaction. Reactions of all types: fear, anger, sadness, judging, dependency on things or other people, hurting. All those bring us suffering.

    And here’s where Vipassana can help us. The whole technique is built on three types of meditation:

    1. Anapana (observing respiration)

    Observe the sensations in the nostrils area; breathe in and breathe out. Soft or strong, short or long, calm or agitated—it doesn’t matter, and we don’t need to control it; just observe it and let it be the way it is moment by moment.

    It’s been said that respiration is the bridge between our bodies and mind, the path to our unconscious mind. By observing it, we can reach its deepest levels and turn agitation into calmness.

    Use Anapana as your shield against anxiety! It works. It allows you to consciously take a breath when you drown in the sea of anxiety, and you can do it anytime you need it. Bring your mind back to focus and calm it down!

    2. Vipassana (observing sensations from head to feet and vice versa)

    Once we are trained to observe our respiration, we are ready to start observing other areas of our bodies. So we start from the head and go down to the feet, through every single part of the body. Side by side and eventually also from feet to head.

    Sensation will vary from part to part; they can be soft or strong, good or bad. But whatever they are, the common thing between them is that they will arise and then eventually pass. By understanding that, we can stop reacting to the sensations, keep our focus, and become the observer. We learn that through experiencing.

    3. Metta (wishing the end of suffering to every living creature)

    When we reach the point of inner peace, we become ready to share this peace, love, and harmony with everyone around us.

    —

    No doubt, Vipassana was the biggest present I could give myself, and it’s changing my life. I feel I have been reborn. The benefits are not just limited to the way I deal with anxiety now. It’s actually way more than that.

    As a result:

    • I have gained the ability to focus more on the present, and less on the past or future. As a result, I enjoy more of what I’m doing at every single moment.
    • I’m more accepting and tolerant of others, with no judgment. I’ve started donating and volunteering. I understand love better and am much better able to show it to my dearest ones.
    • I’m more efficient, able to make choices quickly and stick with them (in work and life in general). I’m learning to enjoy but not to get attached.

    My parents told me the other day that I’ve started to smile with my eyes again, something I used to do when I was a kid. True, the heavy weight on my back has now become much lighter. I’ve regained my faith in life!

    Vipassana is universal, courses are offered in most countries, and it has no connection to any religion. It’s pure science of mind and matter, so everyone, from any background, can do it!

    The best tip I could give to those of you interested in practicing Vipassana would be to contact the closest Vipassana (taught by S.N Goenka) center in your country and register to a ten-day course so you can learn the technique properly, under the best conditions.

    Those conditions include the best guidance, a supportive environment, and minimal distractions, all necessary to achieve results. And results will come if you are open to working and embracing this wonderful experience. You might have just made a life-changing discovery too!

    You can watch an introduction to Vipassana Meditation by S. N. Goenka here.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • Walk Yourself Out of Your Bad Mood

    Walk Yourself Out of Your Bad Mood

    Walk yourself out of your bad mood

    Source: Positive Outlooks

  • Overcoming Shame: Forgive Yourself and Let Go

    Overcoming Shame: Forgive Yourself and Let Go

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    I haven’t always been the woman I am today.

    I used to be scared. Of everything. And everyone. Painfully shy and insecure, I saw myself as a victim of my circumstances and was always waiting, on guard, for the next rejection. I masked my insecurity in a blanket of perfectionism, and worked hard to put forth the image that I had everything together and had it all figured out.

    I did a good job looking the part. On the outside most people just saw an attractive, intelligent, successful woman, and had very little awareness or understanding of the pain and fear that was living inside.

    To further protect myself, I oftentimes took advantage of knowing that others believed my facade.

    I believed myself to be unworthy of love or loving, and there were times when the only way I knew to feel good about myself was to treat others harshly, often by knowing I could intimidate them just by being my “perfect” self.  

    I had split the world into people that I was either better than or less than.

    It’s been said that someone once asked the Buddha whether it was possible to be critical and judgmental of other people and not treat oneself the same way.

    He said that if one is critical and judgmental of others, it is impossible not to treat oneself the same. And that while at times it appears that people can be judgmental toward others, but seem completely satisfied themselves, this is just not possible.

    How we treat others is how we treat ourselves, and vice versa.

    I’ve spent the last four years working on finding compassion for myself and those who I blamed for my pain, embracing the concept of self-love so that I could find a sense of peace within. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and the life that I lead today.

    However, it was recently brought to my attention that, despite the hard work I’ve done and the large shifts I’ve made, there are still some people who have a negative perception of me, and some hurtful words were used to describe my qualities and attributes.

    When this was shared with me, I immediately felt the stinging pain of rejection and my automatic response was to go to shame. I felt really bad about myself.

    Aside from the fact that I don’t think it ever feels good to hear that someone doesn’t like you, I’ve spent a long time working to heal these very wounded parts of myself, and in a moment they were all brought back to the surface in a very painful way.

    When memories arise of behaviors and situations we’re not proud of, it can be easy to turn to shame. However, shame has very little usefulness, as it oftentimes serves to shut us down, isolate, and close ourselves off from others and our own healing.

    Seeing this reaction in myself was an indication that there was work I needed to do, something within that I needed to address.

    This situation showed me that I have spent years turning my back on this former image of myself, striving to be better, but what was still lacking was compassion and forgiveness.

    Pema Chodron describes emotional upheaval, feelings of distress, embarrassment, or anger that we assume is a spiritual faux pas, as actually being the place where the warrior learns compassion.

    When we learn to stop struggling with ourselves and dwell in the places that scare us, we are able to see and accept ourselves and others exactly as we are, complete with imperfections.

    We all act unconsciously and without consideration for others at times. When we allow ourselves to be honest about these behaviors, without the judgment of shame, we are left with remorse, which is a quality we are actually quite fortunate exists.

    Remorse can help us refine our actions and to live a more authentic life. It does not mean that we are useless and unworthy or that we made some horrible mistake beyond repair. It simply means that we are human, and that like all humans, we are in a learning process.

    Remorse can be a sign that we are becoming more aware and that what was previously unconscious is coming into consciousness.

    However, if we move into shame and beating ourselves up, we stop ourselves in our tracks, get stuck and likely remain in the mistake, and deprive ourselves of a lesson learned and opportunity to do things differently moving forward.

    In order to keep moving forward in the face of remorse, we need to be able to find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves. We all know, however, that forgiveness cannot be forced. But if we can find the courage to open our hearts up to ourselves, forgiveness will slowly emerge.

    The simplest way I know how to do this is to, in the face of painful feelings, start by just forgiving myself for being human. This can be done with a simple breath practice.

    By bringing awareness to our experiences and acknowledging our feelings, we can then start to breathe these feelings into our hearts, allowing our breath to slowly open it up as wide as possible. And then from this place, with our breath, we can send ourselves forgiveness.

    And then, in the spirit of not dwelling, we let it go. Breathe it out and make a fresh start.

    This practice of acknowledge, forgive, and start anew doesn’t magically heal our wounds overnight and it’s not a linear process.

    I find that forgiveness is a state that we move in and out of, and will continue to revisit, oftentimes, for many years, oscillating between shame (or anger, resentment, fear, etc) and compassion. Ideally though, with practice and patience the time spent in shame will become fewer and farther between.

    If we practice this way, continuing to acknowledge, forgive, and let go, we will learn to make peace with the feelings of remorse and regret for having hurt ourselves and others. We will learn self-forgiveness and eventually, we will learn to forgive those who have harmed us too.

    Photo by Don 

  • 3 Ways to Know When a Relationship Isn’t Right for You

    3 Ways to Know When a Relationship Isn’t Right for You

    “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu

    I was going out with a wonderful man. He was generous and caring and had a great sense of humor. He treated me well and attended to my every need.

    But something just wasn’t right. I battled with myself for over a month.

    Every time a fear surfaced about how quickly things were moving, I smoothed it over with a shrug or a hug or a reminder of how lucky I was to have found someone with whom to share my life.

    My logical mind told me that he was perfect, that I was self-sabotaging, and that I was afraid of commitment. Yet another part of me questioned the depth of my feelings for him.

    I worried about our different beliefs and how they could cause problems down the line.

    I was exhausted. I started biting my fingernails. I got sick. I even experienced random pains all over.

    But I wasn’t listening to my body because I was overwhelmed with the noise of the chatter inside my head.

    I could not stop the thoughts. And then, one day, I decided that I had a choice. I could simply stop thinking. I would listen to my intuition instead. Immediately, I felt calmer and more myself. I was able to enjoy life again.

    Above all else, I was relieved. In that moment, I realized that the relationship was over. Well, according to me it was.

    Now, all I had to do was break it to him. Of course, it was difficult. We were both hurting.

    I hated letting him down, but I could not live a lie. So, I mustered up the courage to finish a partnership that appeared perfect on paper.

    It wasn’t what he wanted. But a couple of weeks later, he texted to say that, although he wished it hadn’t ended, he was also glad that it had. In other words, despite the suffering, he now realized that we weren’t well suited. 

    Looking back, perhaps he had had a similar gut feeling but wasn’t aware of it, or had chosen to ignore it. Either way, I did both of us a favor by listening to myself and bringing the relationship to an end.

    I closed the door on an apparently perfect partnership, but now I am open to something else, which will be more in alignment with who I am and what I desire.

    If you’re agonizing about whether or not to stay with your partner, follow these three steps:

    1. Sit in silence.

    When life is loud and fast and nonstop, it’s easy to slide into the next month, year, and even decade with someone you’re not sure about.

    Take some time out to sit with how you’re feeling. Are you happy? Healthy? Enthusiastic about life? Or are you ill, moody, or depressed?

    When you know how you are, you’ll know how best to proceed. You don’t have to figure out all the answers the first time you meditate, but the more you slow down and pay attention to how you’re feeling, the more authentic your life and your relationships will become.

    2. Listen.

    Now that you’re getting in touch with your body and emotions, you can listen to what they’ve been trying to tell you.

    Life Coach Cristina Merkley says that, luckily, we have a built in system that alerts us when we’re in alignment with our Inner Being (and what we truly desire) and when we are not. This invaluable system is our emotions.

    For over a month, I was mostly unhappy. I was tired and sick and in pain. When I finally started listening to myself, I was able to acknowledge that I wasn’t in alignment with my true self. I’m grateful that my body (and my emotions) won’t allow me to stay in a situation that isn’t right for me.

    And never underestimate the accuracy of your intuition. I’ve rationalized things until my brain was ready to burst but it’s effortless when I go with my gut.

    3. Check in with yourself when you’re with your partner.

    And ask yourself the following questions:

    When you’re in the company of your loved one, do you feel energized or drained? This is an excellent indicator as to whether or not to keep him or her in your life.

    Do you feel good about yourself when your partner is around, or does your other half bring out the worst in you?

    Are you growing emotionally and spiritually as a result of being with this person? Or has this part of your life begun to stagnate?

    How about your partner? Are you enhancing his/her life? Or are you fighting so much that there’s no time for anything else?

    Can you be yourself with this person? Or are you trying to be someone you think your partner wants? If this is the case, it’s never going to last.

    Do you feel genuine love, friendship, and respect for your partner? Or are you staying in it because you’re afraid that, if you don’t settle, you’re guaranteed a lonely existence? 

    Bring awareness to how you’re feeling when you’re with your partner. If it feels good, it probably is. And if it feels uneasy or unpleasant, it may be time to set yourself (and your partner) free.

    Bear in mind that not all uncomfortable feelings signify that you should end the relationship. These feelings could be a reflection of underlying fears of intimacy or a self-limiting belief that you don’t deserve happiness or that nothing good ever lasts.

    If you’re unsure, repeat steps one and two.

    When your partner is ticking most of those proverbial boxes, it can be easier to stay in the relationship. At least you have someone who will look after you, who will send you sweet messages, and cuddle you on the couch.

    It’s scary to have to re-enter the big bad world of singledom and dating. But it’s also exciting. And you will be rewarded for being true to yourself and for honoring your ex enough to admit that you’re not the one for them.

  • How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You

    How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You

    Stressed woman

    “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

    I’ve always had issues with food, but in the past five years this struggle became a full-blown eating disorder.

    I remember the first time I thought I was too big, in fourth grade. Now I know that I wasn’t too big. Maybe I hadn’t outgrown my baby fat yet, but I wasn’t overweight. Still, all the other girls at my school were smaller than me.

    There was one day when a pediatrician came to our school for a health check. Everyone was measured, weighed, etc. I can still feel the sheer horror I felt when my friends asked about my weight.

    I lied, but they didn’t believe me. Instead, they called me fat and ugly and told me that they didn’t want to play with me any longer.

    This feeling, this shame, stuck with me all my life.

    Since that day I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I believe this was beginning for my eating disorder.

    Inner Voices

    In therapy I learned that my self-talk influences me tremendously, and I also learned that the inner voices aren’t always right. Sometimes they are ego-driven, and not focused on what’s the best for me in the long run.

    My inner voice told me that I’d only be worthy and likable if I were skinny.

    It would cheer me up when I was eating less than the day before, and it would beat me up when I ate “too much.” (Note: one apple plus one tub of cottage cheese was “too much”!)

    I was literally starving myself. I was so brainwashed by that constant mantra of “Come on, Mona. You’re stronger than your hunger! You made it yesterday! You don’t have to eat!” that I didn’t realize I was highly depressed and severely underweight.

    When I finally got tired of feeling constantly miserable, it took two therapists, countless tears, and an incredible amount of hard work to overcome my destructive behavior.

    But I can proudly say, I did it. I made peace with my eating disorder voice.

    Now I want to share with you the technique that kick-started my recovery and gave me back my life.

    Our Inner Team

    The inner team is a model borrowed from communication psychology, developed by German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun.

    Schulz von Thun uses working groups or teams as metaphor for the inner voices we all embody (the inner plurality) and a team leader, who ideally decides and executes (that’s you).

    Unfortunately, our inner voices usually don’t act like a team, but more like a gathering of selfish narcissists pretending to be important, often by screaming louder than everyone else.

    The composition of our inner team depends on our given circumstances, upbringing, and environment.

    In my team, for example, there is “the rational.” Its comments are well thought out and very reasonable. It wants results, numbers, and theories—“no emotional bs.” I also have “the perfectionist,” who always insists on excellence and nothing less.

    In the past five years my loudest voice was my eating disorder voice. It’s been bullying all the other team members to silence them, frantically screaming the calories I had just eaten or pretending to be “the only one who really cares.”

    Here’s how I got my inner team from a one-woman-show (starring my eating disorder voice) to a team of equal partners, trying to achieve a win-win-situation.

    How To Manage Your Inner Team

    Step 1: Identify the team members.

    Who are they? What do they say? Can you give them a name? I suggest you make a sketch to visualize the team constellation.

    When I was in therapy, I paid attention throughout the course of one normal day to listen to and identify the voices that popped up.

    The first thing in the morning I “heard” a voice telling me that I’d screwed up the day before. It told me that I’d destroyed everything I’d worked for by eating so much and that I had to skip breakfast to make up for it.

    This was my eating disorder voice.

    Then a quiet little voice spoke up: “Don’t be to hard on yourself, honey. You restricted yourself for so long, you deserve that cake. And not just one little slice. You deserve the whole cake.” This is, what I call, “the Mother,” as my mum (and grandma) always emphasized the importance indulging in food.

    This team member deeply cares about me and wants to protect me from starving myself, but as “the Eating Disorder” is so overly powerful, it needs to become more drastic itself.

    As I told you, I also embody “the Perfectionist.” During my eating disorder phase, all my team members were affected by the message the eating disorder voice kept yelling.

    It’s like you’re being brainwashed. And so were my other team members.

    I always had an interest in clean eating and when I tried to integrate this concept in my life, “the Perfectionist” was my biggest enemy. If I ate clean for a whole day, but then had a slice of birthday cake, it would beat me up for not eating 100% clean:

    “You’re a failure. You just totally screwed up. Why would you even eat healthy, when eventually you’re always going to ruin everything?”

    Then “the Mother” would jump on that wagon, encouraging me to indulge into the cake, while the eating disorder would furiously try to stop me from doing so.

    With these and my three other team members, it got messy in my head. The next step gives order to the chaos.

    Step 2: Listen carefully.

    Now every team member gets the chance to explain him or herself in greater detail. Make sure to listen carefully to every one and write down the main arguments.

    Some of mine included:

    Eating disorder: “I just want you to be skinny so that you’re confident and no one can hurt you. So please stop eating so much.”

    Perfectionist: “If you stop making mistakes, people will like you. When you’re perfect, they’ll have nothing to criticize.”

    Mother: “You are stressed, I can feel it. Have some cake to calm down; you deserve it. You have to take care of yourself.”

    Only if you truly accept each team member will you understand its message. Think of a team at work. You have to accept people and face them with openness so that they are willing to share their thoughts with you. Only then can you really try to understand what they want need.

    Step 3: Brainstorm. 

    In the previous step you acknowledged each of your team members and gave them permission to exist. Now dig into what each one of them really needs.

    Let’s go back to my example and have a closer look on what my team really wants and needs:

    Eating Disorder: I want to protect you and I want you to love yourself so that you can be confident around other people.

    Perfectionist: I want to protect you from the pain of not being liked.

    Mother: I want to help you comfort and take care of yourself.

    Slightly different from what their message was before, isn’t it?

    Now it’s time to get creative: How can you satisfy the needs in a healthy way? A piece of cake won’t give you any comfort or make you feel less stressed. All it does is provide energy for your body, when what you really need might be a break.

    Step 4: Decide.

    Now that you’re aware of the different motivations, concerns, and needs, it’s easier for you to make an informed and self-determined decision.

    I easily get stressed and would turn to food for comfort. Now that I’m aware of this pattern it’s easier for me to resist the urge to swallow down a jar of peanut butter and do some light yoga instead.

    When my eating disorder voice starts saying that I have to lose weight to be liked, I start talking to it. I say that I heard and appreciate its concerns and that I’m working on becoming more confident, but that I’ve decided to try a different approach this time.

    —

    This is my version of the Inner Team framework, and even if seems a little strange at first to “communicate with your inner voices,” it’s so beneficial.

    This process gives you the chance to take a step back and slow down instead of rushing through life one autopilot decision after another.

    You become mindful.

    By allowing all your inner voices to co-exist, you reduce their tendency to catch your attention through “screaming.” Acknowledge their right to exist and know that they do want the best for you, though their suggestions aren’t always right.

    I can genuinely say that I finally arrived at a point where I am in charge. Thanks to my inner team, I have the power to choose.

    And I choose a healthy life.

    Photo credit: © Mariayunira | Stress Woman Photo

  • How to Release the Painful Memories and Emotions Stored in Your Body

    How to Release the Painful Memories and Emotions Stored in Your Body

    “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” ~Rumi

    Your body keeps a physical memory of all of your experiences.

    You have lots of memories stored in your brain that you can recount at any given moment. You can recall names, faces, where the event took place, what it smelled like. But over time, these memories fade or change as time passes and we mature. However, even when the memory begins to fade from your brain, it lives on in your body in the form of physical sensations and behavior patterns.

    The body doesn’t forget.

    The events of our lives leave physiological imprints in our bodies, especially when we experience trauma or situations of extreme stress that cause the body to fight, flee, or freeze in order to cope.

    In a perfect world, we would be able to release the trauma or soothe the stress response soon after it was triggered. But we don’t live in a perfect world, so we’re all walking around with physical imprints of past experiences (good and bad) stored in our bodies. Most of us don’t know how to release them because we don’t even realize they exist!

    You may feel your body tense up when you have to ask for help or borrow money, or your face may get hot when you’re asked to speak in front of a crowd. The sensation is your body remembering.

    It’s remembering a past experience when you asked for help and it didn’t go well. Maybe someone made you feel ashamed because you “should be able to handle it yourself.” Perhaps you were called to the front of your third grade class and asked a question you didn’t know the answer to, so you felt embarrassed and humiliated.

    The body doesn’t have words to express itself, so it responds with physical sensations.

    You can forget, block, or intellectualize the memories that are stored in our brains, but how do you work through the memories being stored in your body?

    Animals shake when they experience trauma or anxiety. Think of a dog who’s been in a fight with another dog: Once the fight is over, both dogs will shake to calm their nervous systems and quiet the fight, flight, or freeze response. This enables them to move on without the physical memory of the situation.

    Humans, however, don’t naturally do this. Instead we carry our stress, anxiety, and trauma around with us every day and use food and other addictive behaviors to soothe ourselves and quiet the emotional discomfort.

    There’s nothing wrong with turning to food or other means to soothe yourself, but typically habitual behaviors provide a short-term solution, and you’ll continue to feel the discomfort until you release the memory from your body.

    I am a recovering sugar addict. I used to stuff myself with cake, cookies, and ice cream any time I felt sad, angry, or alone. The sugar high helped me cope with difficult emotions and soothed the pain of a childhood marred with stress and abuse.

    It was a behavior that eventually made me sick. Chronic yeast infections, migraines, and fatigue were the norm for ten years before I realized sugar was making me sick. I eliminated it from my diet, but the changes in my physical health were minimal.

    In order to truly heal my body, I had to address the emotional issues that caused me to self-medicate with food. I did this by creating an emotional tool-kit.

    In order to release the emotions and create a more peaceful state of being, it’s important to create an emotional tool-kit to help regulate your nervous system and soothe the discomfort.

    The first tool to put in your emotional tool-kit: non-judgment

    When you feel emotionally triggered and tempted to turn to food or other addictive behaviors for comfort, try not to judge the reaction. Our bodies are programmed to seek pleasure, not discomfort, so it’s natural to try and find something to soothe the pain and make yourself feel better.

    The need to soothe yourself with food or other means doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.

    The second tool in your emotional tool-kit: permission

    Give yourself permission to feel—you have to feel it to heal it.

    Often the reason we feel the need to numb what we’re feeling is because we believe that the emotion we’re feeling isn’t allowed. We think we’re not allowed to be angry or we’re supposed to be strong, so we can’t cry.

    Giving yourself permission to feel allows you to have power over it—you control it instead of allowing it to control you, and in the process you create the space to heal.

    The healing process will bring up lots of different feelings and emotions; many will be uncomfortable. When these uncomfortable emotions come up, allow them to come up without becoming attached to them; notice them for what they are and know that there is a natural ebb and flow to them.

    It may be horribly uncomfortable initially, but allow yourself to witness them without judgment or reaction. This will allow you to respond objectively. Feelings aren’t forever. They come and go, if you let them.

    The third tool in your emotional tool-kit: release

    Now that you’ve allowed yourself to feel, it’s time to release the emotion from your body.

    You can do this by gently shaking. Start with your feet and work your way up, one body part at a time, or you can turn on a song that mirrors the way you’re feeling and sing, dance, or cry until you feel physically and emotionally satisfied. All of these things will help give the emotion a voice and move the emotion out of your body.

    Not quite ready to move your body? Grab a journal and write. No filter, no editing; leave the anger, frustration, sadness, and anything else you’re feeling on the page. Feel free to tear or safely burn the pages when you’re done as a symbolic release.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to release. There will be times when moving your body helps, and other times singing or writing will feel more effective. Choose the method that feels best to you in the moment.

    The fourth tool in your emotional tool-kit: forgiveness

    This is the most important tool in your tool-kit. In order to truly heal, you have to be able to forgive yourself.

    Beating yourself up for past transgressions isn’t productive, and certainly doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.

    Understand that no matter what situation(s) led you to numb yourself with food, drugs, sex, or your self-soothing mechanism of choice, you did the best you could with the information you had on a physical, mental, and emotional level. You dealt with your emotions in the best way that you knew how.

    Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s easy to get caught up in the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” spiral of shame when looking back on a situation. But when we’re in a state of discomfort, we don’t always have the capacity to think logically or rationally. Your brain and body respond to discomfort based on what feels like the safest option in the moment, and sometimes that means turning to habitual or addictive behaviors.

    Forgive yourself because you did the best you could at the time, and move on knowing that you have the knowledge and tools to think differently next time.

    Finally: time.

    We have a tendency to look for the quick fix, but there’s no six-hour healing elixir that can magically erase the pain and discomfort from old wounds. Healing takes time.

    Give yourself time to fill your emotional tool-kit and understand that healing is a journey—one that lasts a lifetime.

    Of course, practice makes the journey easier, but there is no perfection. There will be times when you fall back on old patterns and behaviors, when that happens reach into your emotional tool-kit and take what you need. You are equipped. You can do this.

  • How Life Becomes More Beautiful When We Stop Anticipating the Worst

    How Life Becomes More Beautiful When We Stop Anticipating the Worst

    Happy Woman

    “Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” ~Louis L’Amour

    These days I live in the city, but I spent my childhood in a rural English village. It was quaint and quiet and rather lovely—the sort of place you’re desperate to leave when you’re young and full of fire, but begin to hanker for when you get a little older.

    Back then, to get to the local school, I had to walk down a long, winding country lane, which had rolling fields on both sides. For half an hour each morning and the same coming home, I had beautiful scenery as far as the eye could see—streams, woodlands, horses frolicking in the fields.

    But I never really saw any of this.

    You see, this being the countryside, it was common for residents to walk their dogs down lanes such as this one. And this also being the eighties, before people began cleaning up after their dogs, there were quite a few areas on my journey where dogs had relieved themselves.

    Now, because of this you had to keep your eyes on the ground pretty much constantly—that’s if you didn’t want to be that kid who walked dog poop into school, (or worse into a friend’s parent’s house, which I did once, but that’s another, much less allegorical, story).

    So there I was each morning, eyes on the path, making sure I didn’t step on anything unpleasant, ignoring everything else. Closed off from all the beauty around me.

    I’m glad to say that one day I had an epiphany. I realized that by being so cautious, I was actually missing out on experiencing the amazing backdrop to my journey.

    On that day I realized that I wanted to walk to school present and mindful of the wonderful world around me.

    I wanted to look around more and experience life in all its glory, not just worry about whether I stepped in poop.

    So I did.

    And yes, perhaps on occasion my shoe may have met with something nasty, but it made that walk so much more enjoyable. I remember the feelings of oneness and freedom it instilled in me to this day.

    And really, that’s what being mindful and present is. It’s saying yes to life and noticing your surroundings. Fully.

    It’s saying yes, I might step in something unpleasant, I might get hurt, I might feel silly, I might expose my vulnerabilities, but at least I get to experience every remarkable nuance and opportunity life has to offer too.

    I’m also glad to say that this has been a lesson that I’ve carried through to my adult life.

    Sure, there have been many times in the past when I’ve stepped in something nasty; jobs haven’t worked out, relationships have ended, people close to me have gone away in various different ways.

    But throughout any downtime I’ve always tried to keep looking around me, to see the scenery, the bigger picture. Even if this is just catching myself in a negative tailspin, taking a deep breath, centring myself, and realizing that there’s lots to appreciate out there.

    So what if you step in something? So what if you expose the real you and then get hurt? It’s all part of the rich tapestry of life, and you’ll deal with it, because you’re living your life completely.

    Mindfully.

    In the present.

    It’s not about pretending there is no dog poop on the path; it’s accepting that it’s there and striving forward anyway; it’s being mindful of what’s happening but enjoying life regardless.

    So my advice today is to accept that you might “step in” something nasty, but do it anyway.

    Remain mindful and engaged in the moment rather than focusing on what might happen.

    Practice presence; give yourself to each experience fully.

    When you become present in your interactions, you’ll start to enjoy every encounter so much more. You become involved in your life, fully.

    You look around at the scenery and you really live.

    What’s great is that presence is like a muscle that you can train. The more you work on it, the more present and mindful you’ll be.

    So I’d urge you to spend a few minutes each day training your presence muscle.

    There’s a few ways you can do this, but one of the simplest is to count your breaths for a few minutes each day. Taking a deep breath once in a while helps in so many ways.

    All you need do is find a quiet place and slowly breathe in and out. And as you do, count the breaths. Ten in and ten out. It sounds simple but it takes a lot of focus at first to get to ten.

    If your mind wanders, start again at one. Try and do ten uninterrupted, focused breaths.

    I find this is also a great mini-meditation to use if I need to recalibrate and realign with myself, perhaps during an afternoon slump at work.

    And of course, I still find myself, on occasion, watching the path too much. We’re all guilty, I think, of focusing inward—concentrating so much on what might happen that we miss what is happening.

    I hope after reading this you might be able to catch yourself being too path-focused and try to live more fully in your current surroundings.

    Begin to enjoy the beautiful scenery around you, and know that you are there, in the moment, enjoying every aspect of life, no matter what.

    And if you stand on something nasty, know it’s only a small part of a much bigger picture that deserves to be experienced in all its splendor.

  • How to Stop Taking Things for Granted and Feel Blessed

    How to Stop Taking Things for Granted and Feel Blessed

    Happy Kids

    “I count my blessings every day, quite honestly, because I take nothing for granted.” ~Mario Andretti

    You know that feeling.

    When you feel bad about yourself for not being grateful enough. Maybe not often, but surely sometimes.

    You are busy working hard, trying to make things work. Busy at life.

    But then you see a nine-year-old painting a picture holding a brush with his toes. He has no hands.

    And it hits you: You’re so busy trying to make your life better, you forget that it is already beautiful. You feel guilty for not being happy enough.

    How I Found My Hidden Blessing in Life

    When I left for college it was the first time I went away from home to a different city. My parents were concerned about how I would adjust to life in New Delhi. But I was excited. I wanted to do this.

    As my college life began, I faced a problem: I was bad at managing my expenses. I had no idea how to spend money reasonably. Until then, my parents took care of everything.

    The unspoken message had been, “You focus on your studies, and we’ll take care of your needs.”

    Middle class families don’t lack in money, but the expenses are always modest. So when I ran out on my monthly share in ten days, I was horrified. Exploring the city with new friends, eating delicious meals in restaurants, buying a pair of Nike trousers all contributed to my downfall. Expecting a scolding, I told them what had happened.

    But there was no scolding, just a reassuring “I’ll put more money in account today.”

    A few weeks later, the same thing happened. I was sure this time they would get angry. But they didn’t. They simply poured in more money.

    And that is when I realized: My parents truly loved me, but I had been taking it for granted.

    They had always been there for me. Taking care of me. Loving me.

    I wasn’t a spoiled child, and I knew they cared about me. But now I felt blessed. Their presence was a gift I cherished. The fact that they loved me unconditionally brought my ignorance to light.

    Why Do We Take Things for Granted?

    Our minds run around unchecked all the time, either waiting for a better future or regretting the past.

    We’re always waiting for the perfect vacation, next promotion, more money, more whatever. We think, “Someday when X happens, I’ll be happy.”

    Or we regret the past, like the end of a relationship, a lost job, or financial setbacks. We think, “If only X hadn’t happened, my life wouldn’t be a mess.”

    But whether in the future or past, there is one place our minds are not.

    The present.

    And this is where our blessings reside.

    How to Stop Taking Things for Granted and Feel Blessed

    When I catch a cold, I realize how nice it feels to be healthy. When there are thunderstorms on the day I plan to go out, I realize the joy of a cheery, sunny day with a cool breeze blowing across my face.

    Because our minds are so used to running around uncontrollably, we don’t realize that our focus isn’t where we are. It is almost always somewhere else.

    But hidden blessings are available right now, if you can take a step back and notice where you are.

    Seriously, do this.

    Look at yourself reading this post. Notice the environment around you. I’ll give you a moment.

    ….

    This is your real life. Here are the blessings hidden from your incessant mind.

    Ask yourself: What good things have brought me where I am today?

    You can start with the fact that you can read. You’re smart enough to follow blogs like Tiny Buddha. What about your wonderful friends? Your pet? Your health?

    What else?

    Just like time, blessings are relative.

    Growing up, I went to a school with lots of children who came from rich families. It would have been easy to focus on what other students had that I lacked, such as new lunch boxes and fancy bags.

    However, I was nothing close to sad or miserable. In fact, I had fun at school. Why did I have fun, despite having less than others? I recognized how I was fortunate.

    My parents grew up in villages and received modest educations. And yet, they were smart enough to understand the importance of a good education, and made sure that my sister and I studied in the best English school of the city.

    Now, that is a blessing.

    I didn’t feel unlucky. I feel my parents did their part wonderfully.

    It’s time I do mine.

    Hidden in life challenges are some wonderful blessings. The difference lies in how you look at them.

    You can list all the things you don’t have and feel sad about it.

    Or you could put those very same things as your goals, chase them with passion, and build tremendous character.

    Time to Thank, Time to Love

    Yes, there will always be things you want to accomplish. There are goals yet to be realized. The future surely does promise better things.

    But you know what?

    The present, too, is a portal to hidden gifts.

    Underneath your routine life is a hidden treasure trove of countless blessings. Each of those blessings has helped you reach where you are today. They played a crucial role in molding your life into the masterpiece it is right now.

    So go right now.

    Tell your mother you love her.

    Pat you pet.

    Thank your friends for showing up.

    Celebrate life. Right here. Right now.

    Go live.

  • Natural Beauty Is Accepting Yourself, Just as You Are

    Natural Beauty Is Accepting Yourself, Just as You Are

    “When you are balanced and when you listen and attend to the needs of your body, mind, and spirit, your natural beauty comes out.” ~Christy Turlington

    It wasn’t until I stopped wearing makeup that I realized the hypocrisy in every “natural beauty” ad. Be natural, wear a mask, they say. Unleash your confidence by hiding your flaws, they say.

    If only it were so simple.

    My struggle with body image began at age five. That was the first time I threw up to make myself feel thin.

    I began to heal four years ago after I almost killed myself. All the years in between, I spent at least an hour each day putting on makeup, and all the rest of my waking hours obsessing about past and future calories and wondering if my clothes made me look fat.

    When I went natural, it wasn’t exactly a choice. I had spent so long altering and concealing myself, making sure that nothing real would show, that nothing real was left—including joy, peace, and sanity.

    I could say it was self-hatred that led me into a suicidal hole, but that self-hatred came from something else—my obsession with how I “should” be. I was so obsessed with crafting the perfect mask that I suffocated my authentic self. So, she burst out.

    To heal my fractured relationship with myself, I decided to stop hiding. I stopped putting on makeup, stopped dieting, stopped dyeing my hair. I became, truly, natural.

    I tried to focus on everything that was positive about the transition—more time, more money, more freedom. I could roll out of bed in the morning, wash my face, put on comfortable clothes, and go! But such moments of gratitude were few and far between.

    Every other moment, I was either unaware of my appearance or repulsed by it. The image in the mirror shocked me. Her eyebrows were too light and her skin too blotchy. She had pores. She had pimples.

    I kept telling myself that it was good to be natural, but when faced with my actual natural self, my mind revolted. “Not this kind of natural!” my thoughts would scream. “Aveno commercial natural! Blemish-free natural! Not this.”

    I fought those thoughts. I didn’t fight them by suppressing them. I fought them by not reacting to them—by choosing my own natural self over this fake natural self I had become so enamoured with.

    It took weeks before I got my first glimpse of beauty in the mirror, and it took years for those thoughts to stop tormenting me. One moment I would be feeling fine, but then I’d see an unflattering photo of myself, and I’d be hit with an avalanche of emotion.

    It’s like noticing that you have a bug on your face. It’s like—“Oh god, that’s disgusting! How long has that even been there?” Your skin crawls. Your heart races. You feel like you’re dirty.

    It’s just like that, but it wasn’t a bug. It was my entire body. My face. Just me. Disgusting. Has it always been like this? Get it off me. Now.

    For so long, I was trying to get myself off me, to destroy any evidence of myself from myself. To recover from these behaviors was as difficult as recovering from any addiction. Self-judgment is a cancer. It doesn’t heal overnight.

    And as I was learning to love myself, I began to realize just how unhelpful the culture around me was to my healing process. I would hear people around me saying things like, “I hope my children look nothing like me.” And, “I just want to cut this stupid fat off my body.” And everyone would nod. Yes, that’s how it is. That’s how we feel.

    The more I became accustomed to my own natural image in the mirror, the more I recognized its absence from the world around me. From the ninety-year-old woman in the grocery store with thick lipstick stuck in the crevices of her wrinkled lips, to the teenager in the bathroom with anxious eyes desperately rubbing concealer onto her chin, I saw the search for beauty rather than the acceptance of it. And there is nothing natural about that.

    Struggling to become naturally beautiful is like struggling to become a human being. We already are human. We already are naturally beautiful.

    Beauty has been ours all along, even though it was stolen, packaged, and sold back to us. We just want back what’s ours. But we can’t buy natural beauty any more than we can buy natural hair or natural toes. The moment we make a purchase, it’s not natural anymore.

    The beauty companies have been criticized inside and out, and I’m not here to be another voice of opposition. I’m here to be a voice of encouragement to that part of you that’s tired of trying to be someone you’re not.

    If you want to feel naturally beautiful, you have to let yourself be naturally beautiful.

    You have to leave yourself alone and learn to accept what is there—warts, stretch marks, and all. It won’t be easy, but compulsively trying to fix yourself isn’t easy either. The difference is that self-acceptance will one day heal you, while self-judgment never will.

    And you aren’t the only one you’ll help. By accepting yourself, you will be another image of real natural beauty in our culture. By liberating yourself, you will liberate others. You will change the world.

  • Happiness Is Being Around People Who Love and Support You

    Happiness Is Being Around People Who Love and Support You

    Happiness is being around people who love you

    Source: Positive Outlooks

  • How to Connect with Others and Feel Less Alone in the World

    How to Connect with Others and Feel Less Alone in the World

    Friends holding hands

    “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” ~Brené Brown

    There is very little in life (if anything) more important than our relationships. How connected we feel to others is a strong predictor of our happiness and our feelings of self-worth.

    From a neurobiological standpoint, we are wired for connection. Our deeply connected relationships can ultimately give us true meaning and purpose.

    But, if we’re feeling disconnected, alone, and segregated from those around us, how can we become more connected? Why does it seem so easy for some to create deep connections while it’s hard for others?

    My Struggle for Connection

    My struggle for connection came after I broke up with my then-best friend in college. Without that deep connection that I had once shared with her, I realized that my other relationships were pretty shallow. I didn’t have anyone in whom I could confide. There wasn’t anyone to whom I could reveal my true self. As a result, I had never felt more alone.

    At the same time, I was surrounded by people. By “friends.” I had cultivated many relationships, but somehow none of them were truly genuine.

    As I struggled with my loneliness, I realized that my lack of connection stemmed from my unwillingness to be vulnerable.

    I had an intense fear of being rejected, or of being seen as unworthy—unworthy of love, and unworthy of belonging. As a result, I would change myself to fit the situation and person or group I was with.

    I would hide parts of myself I felt were controversial or might be frowned upon in some way. I was desperately seeking connection, and changing myself in order to be closer to others without being rejected, but as a result I was feeling less connected than ever.

    In short, what it boiled down to was that I was ashamed of being myself, because I didn’t feel that I was good enough.

    It took a long time (more than a year) for me to work through my feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth. Through that, I learned many things about connecting with people in a deep and meaningful way.

    1. Be authentic.

    It took a considerable amount of courage, but I learned to tell everyone who I really was at all times.

    I started telling others all about what I have been through, about my failures and what I have learned. I wasn’t able to be friends with everyone as a result of sharing myself so openly, but the relationships I did form through doing this were much more fulfilling.

    Sure, I felt uncomfortable at times, and sometimes I felt rejected by people. But, I also felt honest, and proud of being true to myself.

    Be imperfect. Your imperfections are what make you beautiful and interesting!

    2. Show yourself compassion.

    I had to learn to be kind to myself. I had to stop putting aspects of myself down. Previously, I felt insecure because I didn’t think I was funny, and I hated my facial expressions, but i had to stop believing that certain parts of me were unworthy of being. I had to truly believe that I was worthy of love and belonging.

    I allowed myself to make mistakes. I allowed myself to take care of my own needs. I started treating myself how I believed everyone should be treated.

    You must learn to show yourself compassion before you can truly be compassionate to others.

    3. Embrace vulnerability.

    I cultivated an awareness of my fear of vulnerability, including when I would run from it, and instead forced myself to face my fear.

    I invested in relationships even though there were no guarantees. I showed when I was hurt. I told people how I felt, regardless of how it would be perceived. I opened myself up to the possibility of rejection and thus became truly vulnerable.

    Opening up to vulnerability was difficult, and this process took a long time. Try and be aware of when you run from vulnerability and push through it. In the longrun, you will be so glad that you did.

    Vulnerability isn’t just essential for creating deep and lasting connections with people, it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, and a sense of belonging and of love.

    The willingness to be completely vulnerable is necessary to feel worthy. If you’re not vulnerable, and you never put your true self out there, you will never know that you are worthy of connection. We all are.

    4. Don’t numb emotions.

    I was lucky enough not to do this, but I’ve learned (and there is lots of psychology research to back this up) that we cannot selectively numb emotions.

    You can’t say, “I don’t want to feel anger or jealousy or vulnerability. Let’s leave those out, and I’ll just take a dose of happiness instead.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. If you try to numb the negative emotions, you’ll end up numbing everything.

    If you numb everything, you no longer feel happiness, joy, or love.

    5. Don’t mistake vulnerability for weakness.

    Our willingness and ability to be vulnerable, to put ourselves in a state of emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty, is our most accurate measurement of courage. It is absolutely not weak to expose yourself.

    Show me a man or a woman who tells someone, “I love you,” for the first time, without any certainty of reciprocation, and you will have shown me one of the most courageous human beings in the world.

    If we want to connect with people, we absolutely have to get over this idea that being vulnerable is synonymous with being weak.

    This also ties back into compassion—we must be compassionate to those who show us vulnerability. Do not judge them, or make them feel weak for having done so. Look upon them as the truly courageous people they are, and applaud them for that.

    Friends holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • Now Is the Time to Do the Things That Make You Happy

    Now Is the Time to Do the Things That Make You Happy

    Woman riding bike

    “The trouble is you think you have time.” ~Buddha

    When I first read this quote after graduating from college, I fell headfirst into a tailspin of “do it now, do it now, do it now.”

    I had to travel the world, while doing yoga, and learning Spanish, and hiking the PCT, and living in different cities, and building my resume, and reading every book ever written.

    With every check I put next to an item on my bucket list, I found ten new things that pulled me different directions. I tried to do it all and ironically, felt like I got nowhere. I was so frantically searching for my place and planning my next step that I often neglected where I was.

    I was trying to protect myself from feeling regret for not having experienced life to its fullest, but I was so busy doing this that I missed a lot on the way.

    The reality is that in the present moment there is nothing to protect myself from; it is the safest place to be.

    I began to look at the quote from a different perspective.

    There are things that I can put on my to do list—take voice lessons, read that book, bake that cake, run more, practice more. There will always be more to do. However, there are also things I can do to live the life I want to live right now: love, let go, be a good friend, take care of myself.

    I do not have time to be paralyzed by the thought of everything I want to do. Now is the time to take baby steps to achieve small goals and put big goals into action.

    Now is the time to go on an adventure. It doesn’t have to be traveling around the world; just something that makes your heart sing.

    Now is the moment to be grateful and step outside and listen to the birds chirping.

    Now is the time to let go of fear and allow ourselves to be free.

    Now is the time to love.

    There is no arrival point. There is no point in the future where there will be more time for self-love, for compassion, or for service.

    Now is the time to make decisions not based on what I feel I should be doing, but rather what makes me happy, because when I am happiest, I am able to best love and support the people around me.

    And I am happiest when I slow down to appreciate the little things, because in the end it is the little things that create a beautiful life.

    I strive to check things off my to-do list, but in slowing down I allow myself to appreciate the space in between.

    In yoga, the space in between postures is just as important as the postures themselves, but it often gets neglected. So it is in life; I focus so much on my next step that I forget to enjoy the journey and admire the beauty of where I am.

    There is never going to be a perfect time to do everything I want, but by working little goals into my day-to-day life, I can focus on the little things and be patient and trust the big things will come.

    I can celebrate achievements on a big scale (“I lived in Peru for four months!”) and on a small scale (“I didn’t eat added sugar for a week!” “I taught my first yoga class!”)

    My newest goal is to be patient, grateful, and open to taking each day as it comes. I will not throw my time away, but I will not fear its passing.

    Is it possible I won’t get to do all the big things I want to do? Sure, that’s possible for all of us. But if we do the little things that bring us joy each day, and choose to be fully present and engaged in each moment, there will be nothing to regret.

    Woman riding bike image via Shutterstock

  • How to Feel Close and Connected in Your Relationship Again

    How to Feel Close and Connected in Your Relationship Again

    Close couple

    “Intimacy is not purely physical, It’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you see into their soul.” ~Unknown

    When we’re feeling disconnected and unfulfilled in our relationships, we often believe that we need something more from the other person.

    We think that in order for us to be happy, the other person needs to be or do something different. While it may be true that sometimes there are some changes we need to make, oftentimes being happy and getting what we desire has more to do with our own awareness. 

    The problem is that we don’t understand what intimacy really is, and how to experience it more in our relationships. We think that we have to spend a lot more time together and have long deep conversations to bring out the level of intimacy we truly desire.

    We think back to the connection we felt in the beginning and wish it could feel like that again.

    Why Things Are Different in the Beginning

    In the beginning of my relationship I felt really close to my partner and we loved learning new things about each other.

    We spent a lot of time together, walking hand in hand and fully enjoying each other’s company. I felt a deep connection just by looking in his eyes and not saying anything. Everything felt good, easy.

    Then I couldn’t help but notice that something had changed. I didn’t feel as close to my partner as I’d felt in the beginning.

    Soon I realized what had caused this disconnect.

    What Makes Us Feel Disconnected

    In the beginning of a relationship, we live more in the present moment. We appreciate our partners. We want to get to know each other and fully enjoy each other’s company. However, when we get used to the other person, we start to live more in our heads.

    Instead of experiencing our relationship, we experience our thoughts of the relationship and the other person.

    We start to think that we already know how the other person is, and we take them a bit for granted.

    Instead of truly listening to our partners, we make our own assumptions about them and what they are telling us. We don’t realize that we are experiencing our own thinking and not the real relationship.

    Especially in today’s world, we often get distracted. When almost everyone has their own smartphones and tablets, we often forget the art of listening. We might be too busy checking our emails or checking the Facebook to give the other our full attention.

    “Okay darling… Sorry, what did you say?”

    We think that we are able to do the two things at the same time: listen our partner and read our emails. This simple act stops us from feeling the closeness in our relationship.

    What Intimacy Really Is

    We experience intimacy when our mind is in a natural state—peaceful. Intimacy is simply being with each other with a clear and relaxed mind. It is all about having our focus on the other person and not thinking about anything else. It is about fully enjoying each other.

    This means that we are not thinking about work or texting when we are together, but we are truly listening to each other.

    It is all about the quality of the time we spend together. When your mind is calm and relaxed, you are able to take in life fully and appreciate your relationship more.

    The Importance of Being Present

    When I feel a lack of closeness in my relationship, I know that it is time for me to quiet down. It is time to calm my mind and start to listen to my partner again.

    Am I really hearing what he is saying, or am I listening to my own thoughts and judgments about him?

    For example last week I found myself dwelling on how he didn’t make enough time for me. I caught myself quickly and realized it was more of my mood than me talking.

    In that particular week he had been exceptionally busy, and if I had been more present in the moment, I would have felt more compassion instead of judgment.

    Taking a moment for myself and letting my mind relax helps me see the relationship and my partner in a whole new light again. Instead of feeling like I need something more from him, I am able to appreciate him and our time together.

    I immediately experience more love and intimacy. This creates a positive spiral in the relationship.

    Of course, there are times when the other person simply isn’t willing to reciprocate our attention, and sometimes you may realize the best decision is to walk away from a relationship. In those times, being fully present will also help and guide us to make the right decisions.

    But oftentimes, simply quieting our mind and showing up fully opens the door to a deeper level of connection. It helps us to find, again, the closeness and intimacy we often innocently lose after being in a relationship for a longer time.

    When we listen to and appreciate our partners, they can feel the appreciation we have toward the relationship. This will help their mind quiet down, which helps them feel close to us again. The upward spiral makes it possible for us to experience even more love in the relationship.

    To bring out the best in each other and to experience more love and intimacy, we need to learn to come back to the present moment again. Even though we cannot change the other person, we can learn to bring out the best in them—and ourselves.

    Close couple image via Shutterstock