Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    “If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become truth for you.” ~Louise Hay

    Have you ever felt like you weren’t living up to your potential? That chasing your ultimate dream is a waste of time because you’ll never accomplish it? You’re certainly not alone. I know the feeling, and quite frankly, it’s awful.

    Recently, I had occasion to visit a cemetery for military members and their families. I saw tombstones over 100 years old. Some of the people lived long lives, while many did not have the privilege of growing old.

    As I walked, I couldn’t help but think of the kind of lives they’d lived. Some saw unimaginable horrors in war that no doubt changed the quality and trajectory of their lives. Were most of these people happy and fulfilled? I didn’t know; tombstones don’t talk.

    The thoughts that kept coming back were: “How many of them went to their grave with regret? How many settled and accepted the labels assigned, without ever finding the satisfaction of breaking free and living life the way they truly wanted?”

    Going to the grave without ever realizing my full potential—that scares me to the bone. It’s something that I have had to fight for most of my life. It’s something that I emphatically refuse to let happen.

    Like most people, I took on the labels that authority figures assigned me at a young age. It’s what kids do.

    As the years go by, those labels, whether true or not, become sewn into the fabric of our being. They become part of our core, the vocabulary we use about ourselves, and the thoughts we hold of ourselves.

    The crime here is that so many times the labels have absolutely no anchor in truth. Rather, they are skewed or twisted interpretations that others have about us, or they are our skewed and twisted interpretations of things said and done to us. Rarely are the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves actually true.

    My nemesis was the belief “I am lazy.” In adulthood, after studying counseling theory for years in college, I finally figured out where it came from. I had always just assumed it was part of who I was.

    It came from my sixth-grade teacher telling my parents, before I moved up to junior high the following year, that I would be placed into remedial classes. I had tremendous potential, she said. But I was lazy and wasn’t performing to my full capability.

    My parents sat me down and broke the news. I was devastated. I knew all of the harsh things that other kids would say. I had heard them said before about others and didn’t like it. But now they would be saying it about me.

    That belief directed the course of my life. I walked through life believing I was lazy and began using that word in my inner vocabulary all because, at the age of eleven, my teacher and parents told me I was lazy.

    I never questioned it; I just accepted it. After all, why would my parents and teacher say it if it wasn’t true? They were supposed to know better than me.

    That is how the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves hold us back from unleashing the greatness within. Kids don’t have the cognitive capacity or life experience to question such things. They take the words of authority figures as truth, just as we are conditioned to do.

    If you’ve done the same, you must know that it doesn’t have to continue. There is a better way, and that way is to identify the negative beliefs that you hold deep down and challenge and reframe them through the lens of wisdom and experience.

    Going back to my example, I challenged that belief in my early thirties.

    What I found is that my teacher and parents did not take into consideration the fact that my mother and biological father went through an extremely violent divorce. He was the criminal leader of a notorious motorcycle gang.

    I didn’t have a stable, comfortable home environment, and academics certainly weren’t at the top of the priority list. My mom did her best, but working two or three jobs makes it difficult to do homework with the kids every day.

    Living in constant fear at such a tender age is not prime for a child’s development. Also, I started kindergarten before I turned five, so I was quite young for school.

    The sum of these circumstances contributed to my early struggles in school. It wasn’t because I was lazy or choosing not to live up to my potential.

    When I looked back through a different lens that only experience and wisdom can provide, I knew neither my parents nor my teacher meant any harm. They simply didn’t know any better, and the teacher never asked about what was happening at home. Putting myself in their shoes made me better understand what happened.

    I took on their words without ever asking myself, “Is it true?” Had I not taken the time to challenge this deep-seated belief, there is not a doubt in my mind that I would be an underperforming, underachieving, underpaid underling today. Changing that belief literally changed my life.

    The only thing stopping you from doing the same is you. If you hold negative views about yourself, you are not living life authentically. If you let the words of others define who you are, you are setting yourself up for failure. And chances are, you’ll become one of the people who get to the cemetery clutching regret.

    I don’t want that for you. You don’t want that for you. Make some time today to take back your authentic self by taking these four steps to eliminate any negative core beliefs you hold.

    1. Write down or say out loud the belief (preferably both).

    2. Think back to the earliest time you can remember having that belief.

    What happened that made you feel that way? Did someone say something that hurt your feelings? Put yourself in that moment again and hear their words, see their actions, and feel whatever comes up. Don’t push it aside. Stay there for a few minutes.

    3. After you’ve replayed it in your mind, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and reframe it.

    What was going on with them? Were they frustrated, stressed, or angry? This is important because it could signal that something was said in a moment when the person was lashing out and did not mean to harm. It could also reveal that you took something out of context.

    4. Challenge the belief.

    Write down the unequivocal proof that the person was right. Note—this must be unequivocal proof. Not opinion, emotion, or pity.

    If there is no proof, the belief is false and should be discarded. You will feel lighter after releasing it. If there is proof, you now have a rock-solid foundation from which to start changing.

    Changing behavior need not be intimidating. It requires that you be mindful when making decisions. You’ll want to make decisions that will get you to where you want to go in life. I ask myself a single game-changing question in everything I do: “Is this in alignment with my authentic purpose?” If it isn’t, I choose instead to do something that is.

    When you do that consistently, you’ll change both the behavior and the negative belief.

    You’ll gain confidence and momentum, and you’ll start achieving things that once seemed out of reach.

    Most importantly, you’ll realize that others’ words don’t define you. The words you use about yourself and the actions you take do.

  • 5 Ways I’ve Lived Life More Fully Since My Cancer Scare

    5 Ways I’ve Lived Life More Fully Since My Cancer Scare

    Couple on a mountain

    “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

    A few months ago, I had my first mammogram. I have two first cousins who died of breast cancer very young, as well as an aunt that recently passed away from the disease, so I started my mammograms a bit earlier than most.

    This mammogram was quite routine, except that a few days later they asked me to come back for another one, as well as an ultrasound. This second visit was more like those shows or movies when you feel someone is about to get very bad news.

    People kept staring at the screen with very serious looks but ignoring me. They called in more people, who also stared at the screen and scrunched their foreheads. Then the doctor came, and stayed for about an hour, looking at the screen and not telling me anything. After about three hours, I was told to come back for a biopsy.

    The biopsy went quite smoothly, and I was told that the results would be ready in about ten days.

    For these ten days, I was mostly sure that it would all be fine, but a part of me felt that perhaps the long life I always assumed I would have could be cut short. Rather than stressing about it, I began to live as if I could die, very very soon.

    Here are the things I started doing. Now that I gratefully found out that I am cancer-free, I continue to live this way and it has greatly enhanced my quality of life:

    1. Each morning in bed when I first wake up, I take a moment to notice I’m alive.

    I take a breath in and feel what is true for me in that moment. Even if I feel heavy, dark, tired, or afraid, I let myself feel that. Then I bring some love and compassion to whatever state I’m in. I feel my body, my breath, and feel a sense of gratitude for just being here, awake, alive.

    Next, I envision the day ahead. From the outset, I acknowledge that all the things I wish to do may not get done. I allow room for imperfection.

    Lastly, I bring to mind my highest aspiration, to be a calm and peaceful presence, to be of service to others as best I can, to live as best as I am able. Then I get out of bed.

    The lesson: Remember that many people went to sleep last night and did not wake up this morning. Today is a gift. Recognizing that each morning gives you a powerful start to the day.

    2. I prepare myself for the day as if it was a special occasion.

    Before my cancer scare, I used to save my best dresses for parties or holidays. I wore makeup only once in a while. My regular workdays were a matter of pulling on my most comfortable sweater, putting my hair up, and getting out the door.

    These days, I wear my best outfits all the time. I invested in some makeup that makes me feel beautiful, and I take the extra five minutes each morning to put it on.

    By the time I walk out the door, I feel as if I’m ready to take the world on by storm, welcoming and honoring the day as the profound miracle that it truly is, and each task as an opportunity to bring my best self forward.

    The lesson: Imagine you were going to star in a movie today. How would you get ready for the day? Don’t forget that each day, you star in the movie of your life. Make it count!

    3. I fully embody today instead of living as if there is some better place ahead I have to get to.

    I used to think that what I was doing in any given moment was okay, but there would be a time when it would be just a bit better. Eventually, I’d take on some promotion at work, get in a groove with my business, and really feel that I had made it and my life had some sort of order and permanence to it.

    My cancer scare showed me that this time never comes. We have this fantasy of thinking life is about to get started, and then it ends, just like that. The only time we can get started living is in this moment.

    I no longer wait for a better time to become more engaged in my work, more loving to my family and friends, more committed to my mindfulness practice. I do it all now, as best I can.

    It will never feel orderly or permanent, and I will make many mistakes along the way. But I no longer hold back. A better time will never come, so I choose to jump in 100% today.

    The lesson: Are you waiting to reach a particular goal or milestone in order to really start living? What would happen if today, you started living as if you had already gotten there? Ultimately, what we are searching for is the feeling of living our purpose, and we can choose to do this every single day.

    4. I think of what I would like people to say about me when I am gone, and live this way.

    Sometimes, I look at people who have something “more” than me and wish I had it—a higher position, a better yoga practice, more friends, a relaxed way about them.

    While very easily noticing someone who has more than us can make us feel inadequate, in other ways, it can help us define who we want to be today.

    Each day, when I contemplate my highest aspiration, I ask myself, what qualities do I want people to remember me by? I think of the people I admire most, and notice that it is not necessarily the highest ranked or the most flexible.

    It’s the openness, the kindness, the presence, the joy in being together that I remember. So I find these qualities in myself, and let them shine. As best as I am able.

    The lesson: Think about the qualities that you most admire in your best friend, a mentor, guide, or teacher. Can you allow these same qualities to shine within you? We all have within ourselves the potential for greatness. Don’t be afraid to let your own light shine.

    5. I take opportunities to notice nature throughout the day.

    My highly active mind often leads to me getting somewhere without actually knowing how I got there. I get stuck in planning, organizing, analyzing in my head, and miss the beauty that is present along the way.

    My yoga teacher Felicia recently challenged me to notice nature each time it is available. It may be only a small tree in a busy city corner, or a flower in the middle of a row of cubicles. Nature reminds us of the wonder of just being alive, without needing anything else at all.

    Now, I take more time to notice the buds in the trees, the squirrels running around, and the dogs that are so happy not to be freezing anymore. They bring a smile to my face and reconnect me with my inherent sense of aliveness and wellbeing.

    The lesson: Today, on your walk home from work, take a moment to notice nature. Even if it’s a small tree or the clouds in the sky, focus on this. When your mind wanders to something that happened earlier, or what you will do next, kindly but firmly bring it back to nature. Can you feel how you too are part of this miracle of life?

    —

    My short encounter with my own mortality reminded me that there is beauty in the ordinary. A life well lived is not necessarily full of glory and admiration, but one of clear intention and authenticity.

    Being true to myself and bringing kindness to each moment as best I can empowers me to know that when my last day does come, I will have truly lived.

  • 10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me About Healing and Happiness

    10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me About Healing and Happiness

    “Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” ~Joan Didion

    This spring marked ten years since I lost my mother. One ordinary Thursday, she didn’t show up to work, and my family spent a blur of days frantically hanging missing person fliers, driving all over New England, and hoping against reason for a happy outcome.

    My mother was prone to frequent mood swings, but she also talked to my two older brothers and me multiple times a day, and going off the grid was completely out of character. How does someone just vanish? And why?

    Forty days is a long time to brood over worst-case scenarios: murder, kidnap, dissociative fugue cycled through my addled mind. I gave in to despair but always managed to buoy myself up with hope. My mom was my best friend, and at twenty years old, I needed her too much to lose her. She simply had to come home.

    Six weeks later, my brother called. Right up front he said he loved me—a sure sign bad news was coming. There was no way to say what he had to say next, so he just spat it out like sour milk: our mother’s body had been found.

    A diver checking moorings in a cold New England harbor had spotted something white on the ocean floor. That white whale was our mom’s station wagon. She had driven off the end of a pier. We didn’t say the word suicide, but we both thought it, failed to comprehend it.

    It’s been ten years since that terrible spring. Much of it still doesn’t make sense to me, but a decade has softened the rawness of my grief and allowed moments of lightness to find their way back into my life, the way sunrise creeps around the edges of a drawn window shade.

    Losing someone to suicide makes you certain you’ll never see another sunrise, much less appreciate one. It isn’t true. I’m thirty years old now and my life is bigger, scarier, and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined. Grief helped get me here.

    Grief is not something you can hack. There is no listicle that can reassemble your busted heart. But I have found that grieving can make your life richer in unexpected ways. Here are ten truths the biggest loss of my life has taught me:

    1. Dying is really about living.

    At my mother’s memorial, I resented everyone who said some version of that old platitude, “Time heals all wounds.” Experience has taught me that time doesn’t offer a linear healing process so much as a slowly shifting perspective.

    In the first raw months and years of grieving, I pushed away family and friends, afraid that they would leave too. With time, though, I’ve forged close relationships and learned to trust again. Grief wants you to go it alone, but we need others to light the way through that dark tunnel.

    2. No one will fill that void.

    I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill. For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?

    These days I have strong female role models in my life, but I harbor no illusions that any of them will take my mom’s place. I’ve slowly been able to let go of the guilt that I was replacing or dishonoring her by making room for others. Healing is not an act of substituting, but of expanding, despite the holes we carry.

    3. Be easy on yourself. 

    In the months after losing my mother, I was clumsy, forgetful and foggy. I can’t recall any of the college classes I took during that time. Part of my grieving process entailed beating myself up for what I could not control, and my brain fog felt like yet another failure.

    In time, the fog lifted and my memories returned. I’ve come to see this as my mind going into survival mode with its own coping mechanisms.

    Being kind to myself has never been my strong suit, and grief likes to make guilt its sidekick. Meditation, yoga, and journaling are three practices that help remind me that kindness is more powerful than listening to my inner saboteur.

    4. Use whatever works. 

    I’m not a Buddhist, but I find the concept of letting go and not clinging to anything too tightly to be powerful.

    I don’t read self-help, but I found solace in Joan Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking.

    I’m not religious, but I found my voice in a campus support group run by a chaplain.

    I hadn’t played soccer since I was a kid, but I joined an adult recreational league and found that I could live completely in the moment while chasing a ball around a field.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all grieving method. Much of it comes down to flailing around until you find what works. Death is always unexpected; so too are the ways we heal.

    5. Gratitude wins.

    We always feel that we lost a loved one too soon. My mom gave me twenty good years. Of course I would’ve liked more time, but self-pity and gratitude are flipsides of the same coin; choosing the latter will serve you in positive ways, while the former gives you absolutely nothing.

    6. Choose to thrive.

    My mom and I share similar temperaments. After her death, I worried I was also destined for an unhappy outcome. This is one of the many tricks that grief plays: it makes you think you don’t deserve happiness.

    It’s easier to self-destruct than it is to practice self-care. I initially coped through alcohol and other destructive methods, but I knew this was only clouding my grieving process. I had to face the pain directly, and write my way through it. So I wrote a book.

    Everyone has their own constructive coping mechanisms, and choosing those, even when it’s hard, is worth it in the long run. My mother may not have been able to find happiness in her own life, but I know she would want that for me. No one is going to water you like a plant—you have to choose to thrive.

    7. Time heals, but on its own timeline.

    “Time heals all wounds” is something I heard a lot at my mother’s memorial service. Here’s what I wish I had known: grief time does not operate like normal time. In the first year, the present was obscured entirely by the past. Grieving demanded that I revisit every detail leading up to losing my mom.

    As I slowly started to find effective coping mechanisms, I began to feel more rooted in the present. My mood did not have to be determined by the hurts of the past.

    There will always be good days and bad. This is the bargain we sign on for as humans. Once we make it through the worst days, we gain a heightened sense of appreciation for the small moments of joy to be found in normal days. Healing comes over time, but only if we’re willing to do the work of grieving.

    8. Let your loss highlight your gains.

    I’ve lived in New York City for eight years now, but it still shocks me that I’ve built a life that I love here. It’s a gift I attribute to my mom. She was always supportive of my stubborn desire to pursue a career as a writer. After she died, the only thing that made sense to me was to write about the experience.

    This led me to grad school in New York, a place I had never even considered living before. It feels like home now. I wish I could share it with my mom, but it was her belief in me that got me here. I lost my mom, but I found a home, good friends, a career I love and the perspective to appreciate it all.

    9. Heartbreak is a sign of progress.

    In the first years after the big loss, I assumed romance was dead to me. Why would I allow someone else to break my heart? Luckily I got past this fear to the point where I was able to experience a long and loving relationship.

    That relationship eventually imploded, but I did not, which strikes me as a sign of progress. Grief makes us better equipped to weather the other life losses that are sure to come. This is not pessimism. This is optimism that the rewards of love always trump its risks.

    10. Grief makes us beginners.

    Death is the only universal, and grieving makes beginners out of all of us. Yet grief affects us all in different ways. There is no instruction manual on how best to cope.

    There is only time, day by day and sometimes minute by minute, to feel what works, and to cast aside what does not. In the ten years I’ve learned to live without my mother, I’ve tried to see my grieving process as an evolutionary one. Loss has enriched my life in challenging, unexpected, and maybe even beautiful ways.

  • 5 Reasons to Embrace Alone Time & Take Yourself on an Artist Date

    5 Reasons to Embrace Alone Time & Take Yourself on an Artist Date

    “It is only in solitude that I ever find my own core.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    When was the last time you took yourself on a date?

    Not just you and a friend, or you and your partner, or you and your kid(s). Just you, yourself, and you.

    I’m not talking about staying home with a good book, or taking a bubble bath (though I’m a huge fan of bubble baths), or watching a movie by yourself on your couch.

    I’m talking about venturing into the world alone to do something fun and outside of your ordinary routine—something that supplies fresh new sensory inputs to the creative well that resides in your right brain, with nobody else’s opinion coloring your own.

    Whether you think you’re an artist or not, Artist Dates will enrich you.

    I was a left-brained international economist when I first heard the term “Artist Date” about twenty years ago.

    I had won a door prize at a networking event that included a free session with a life coach (still a nascent industry at the time—I had never even heard the term before). After a few exercises to hone in on my heart’s true passion, the coach recommended I read Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity.

    Though I didn’t identify myself as either artistic or spiritual at the time, I liked the idea of carving out a tiny bit of space for myself. My days were stretched thin between work demands, two young sons, and managing the care of my grandmother. I hired a babysitter and gave Artist Dates a try.

    Just as Julia Cameron had promised, I returned home from my solo excursions inspired, rejuvenated, and with a multitude of new ideas, none of which had anything to do with economics.

    “Art’s not really my thing,” you might be thinking to yourself.  

    Here’s the cool part: Artist Dates don’t have to involve “art” in the traditional sense. Their purpose is to simply spark delight, engage your senses, and move you out of your left brain analytical thinking for a while.

    Walking through a stream in bare feet, enjoying a good meal at a new restaurant—really taking in the aroma, textures, and tastes—or trying out the new swing set in the park down the road are all excellent Artist Dates.

    Because even if you don’t think of yourself as an “artist,” creativity serves every aspect of our lives and problem-solving capabilities at home, in relationships, and at work. Artist Dates nurture your inner creative child.

    No, you’re not a loser if you go out alone…

    When friends and family asked what I was doing on my birthday this year, I said, “I’m taking myself to an art museum exhibit.” (Yes, I actually do find art museums fun.)

    The response was unanimous: “By yourself?”

    Yes. By myself.

    I could feel them squirming in discomfort on the other end of the phone line. You can practically hear what’s going on inside their heads:

    “That’s sad! Doesn’t she have any friends to take her out on her birthday? What about her husband?”

    Sure I do. And for the record, my husband rocks at birthdays.

    But the person I wanted to celebrate my birthday with this year was my true self. I wanted to give myself the space to process and express her own impressions of the world without interruption. I didn’t want the responsibility of making anyone else happy that day other than myself, who has gotten me through a lot in this life.

    But being alone with her took some practice.

    Don’t listen to that other voice that tries to talk you out of your Artist Date…

    OK, so you’ve decided to take yourself on an Artist Date. Be prepared. Your ego—the source of that internal critic—will try to talk you out of it.

    You can surely find something more important to do.

    You’re a bad mother/father if you leave you kid(s) at home and do something fun. 

    Stop being silly. You’re not an artist, or even creative. Time is money. Stop wasting it.

    Look your ego in the eye and respond firmly: “BE QUIET. YOU ARE NOT IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.”

    Even after you’ve managed to get yourself out the door and to your intended destination, the voice won’t stop.

    People are looking at you.

    You must look lonely and sad, pathetic really.

    What if you bump into someone you know? They might tell the neighbors or office mates that they found you wandering around alone. What will that do to your reputation?

    On the rare chance that you do actually bump into someone you know, they might ask you to join them because they feel sorry for you. Decline politely, in a nicer tone than you might have to use with your ego. Egos don’t back down very easily.

    5 Reasons the Effort of an Artist Date Is Worth It

    1. We rarely have space in our lives to hear our deepest responses to new experiences.

    Our opinion is often colored by another’s reaction. If we like a sculpture or a movie, we hope our friend likes it too. If they don’t like it, our own enjoyment may be diluted.

    Don’t get me wrong—sharing different viewpoints is healthy. But every once in a while it’s good to give your full, unfiltered attention to how you are processing the world.

    2. Research has proven that multitasking is a myth.

    Our brains can’t think about more than one thing at a time, but rather move back and forth quickly between tasks.

    To fully experience a new input—whether through studying the details of a painting, feeling the physical sensations of wind and water walking on the beach, or listening to a great piece of music—we need time to ourselves. We are pulled out of the sensory experience each time we have to talk to someone or even think about their response.

    3. Artist Dates reconnect us with our right brain, the non-analytic, non-judgmental source of our creativity and “outside of the box” problem-solving capability.

    Any activity that activates our fives senses engages our right brain. In a world that’s constantly judging, comparing, and critiquing (all the domain of the left brain), Artist Dates bring more balance to all of us.

    4. Staying connected to our right brain is key to inner peace.

    Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, after experiencing a stroke that completely shut down her left brain hemisphere, describes our right hemisphere consciousness as “completely committed to the expression of peace, love, joy, and compassion in the world.” She should know, since she lived there for quite a while when her left brain was healing.

    5. Learning to be comfortable in our own company is a skill that takes practice.

    The earlier you start, the more prepared you’ll be if your life path leads to some alone time.

    So go on! Put an Artist Date on your calendar. Practice spending time with yourself now, and you’ll never be dependent on someone else for your own happiness again.

  • The Art of Being Happily Single

    The Art of Being Happily Single

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

    I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.

    So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

    I’m thirty-one and single!

    Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

    Now what? Where to start?

    I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

    “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

    Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

    But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

    So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

    In my research, I learned some important truths about being single: (more…)

  • 100 Reasons to be Grateful Today

    100 Reasons to be Grateful Today

    Be grateful

    “Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.” ~Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

    I began my gratitude practice at a time when I desperately needed help seeing the good in my life.

    Several failed relationships and a broken heart had left me blind to the incredible gifts the Universe had given me, and I was rutted in depression for three years. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything besides what I had lost. Happiness seemed like a cosmic joke.

    The more I focused on what I wasn’t grateful for, like the love I had lost, the less I focused on doing the things I loved.

    Depression is common, and it happens to many of us at some point. But the longer I chose to wallow in it, the more impossible happiness seemed. After my third year of depression I seriously considered whether life was even worth living.

    Then I came across Zig Ziglar’s empowering audiobook A View From the Top.

    I learned from Zig how giving to others can help us foster a deep sense of happiness, and how gratitude is the missing ingredient to most people’s success.

    Immediately, I began a gratitude practice, focusing on the important people in my life and the many gifts I had to share with others.

    It was a tough transition because there was so much negative momentum to reverse. Habits are like roads—the more you travel them, the easier they are to follow. But I stayed disciplined with my new habit and chose grateful thoughts even when I felt hopeless.

    Within two years my gratitude practice turned into a lifestyle, and today I’m enjoying the fruits.

    I make a living doing what I love as a writer, and I make a difference in the lives of thousands of people through my work—all because I shifted my focus from what I lacked to what I had.

    The amazing thing is that no matter how much or little I think I have, I always have more! And gratitude helps me see it.

    If you’ve felt gypped by the Universe, here are 100 reasons to be grateful today.

    1. The breath in your lungs

    2. Your hard-working heart

    3. The food that fuels your experience

    4. The ever-present opportunity to make better decisions than your last

    5. Your brain and memory that allow you to learn from mistakes

    6. The freedom to make unlimited mistakes on your road to self-improvement

    7. The endless supply of wisdom people and books provide

    8. The natural talents you were born to share

    9. The challenges that allow you to grow

    10. The accomplishments that have improved your life

    11. The mother and father who gave you life

    12. The Internet

    13. Humor

    14. Sweet doggy friends, or cats, if you’re that kind of person

    15. Warm sun on your skin

    16. The beauty and life in nature

    17. The senses that allow you to experience beauty

    18. Clean drinking water

    19. Health in any amount

    20. The arms, legs, feet, and hands that give you freedom of movement

    21. The favorite song that keeps you going when you feel like giving up

    22. The artists who struggle to create beauty for others

    23. The gift of language

    24. The ability to read

    25. The ability to learn from the mistakes and achievements of others

    26. The help that is always there when you ask for it

    27. The roof over your head

    28. Piercing stars in a clear night sky

    29. The inspiration that sweeps you out of your comfort zone

    30. The people who’ve dedicated their lives to inspiring others

    31. The kids who remind you to be playful and adventurous

    32. The ability to connect with family and friends anywhere in the world (Skype)

    33. Carrots (If you don’t know about carrots, click this link)

    34. Family farms that are committed to providing organic and sustainable foods

    35. The fresh start you’re given every day

    36. Rain

    37. Hope

    38. The pain that reminds you of the need to change

    39. Our dreams

    40. The people who pray for you every day, without you realizing it

    41. The hard times that made you who you are

    42. Automatic rice cookers, refrigerators, air conditioning, and every little convenience that saves you time

    43. Bare feet on grass

    44. All the organisms in the soil that support life on earth

    45. Electricity

    46. All of the amazing teachers who helped you reach your potential

    47. Each failure that led to your achievements, and everyone who encouraged you to keep going

    48. The “haters” who helped you build resilience by saying, “No, you can’t!”

    49. The fact that every bit of food you need to be happy and healthy is just a short drive away

    50. The garbage men who keep streets clean

    51. The random smile that got you through your last impossible day

    52. That one cashier who you can always count on to brighten your day

    53. Photosynthesis, and the fact that nature’s beauty works to keep you alive

    54. The one friend you’ve been able to count on through every stage in your life—even if that friend is you

    55. The new friends you’ve yet to meet, and the amazing times you haven’t yet experienced

    56. Your favorite spot to recharge when you’re overwhelmed

    57. Sunsets that make the sky explode with incandescent pinks, peaches, purples, oranges, and golds

    58. Your education

    59. Every single one of the trillions of cells in your body that work hard so that you can experience life

    60. That one mule of a person who challenges you to be kind when it’s most difficult

    61. Grandmas and Grandpas who helped make childhood so special

    62. The special people who filled spots where parents or grandparents were missing

    63. Bananas and peanut butter (or your favorite treat)

    64. Fresh baked baguettes that are crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside (and other delicious food)

    65. The spiritual growth you’ve accomplished (give yourself some credit!)

    66. The renewal of spring

    67. The relaxing sound of trickling water

    68. Gardens with fresh herbs, even if they’re just on your window sill

    69. YouTube, for whenever you need to troubleshoot your car or computer, and especially when you need a laugh.

    70. All the quotes that inspire you

    71. Good cheese, and underrated philosophers

    72. The doors that closed on opportunities you wanted but didn’t need

    73. The windows that opened when you almost gave up hope

    74. All the serendipitous occasions that remind you never to lose faith

    75. Everything coconut-related: oil, water, ice cream, flour, cream pie, etc.

    76. The hardships that transform us into more capable, understanding, giving, and forgiving people

    77. The impossible, for inspiring us to expand our limits

    78. The hot showers that completely change your perspective on life

    79. Gluten-free bread that doesn’t suck

    80. Hearing good news

    81. Making good news for others to hear

    82. The little depressions that remind you to fight hard for happiness

    83. The anxiety that reminds you to feel your emotions so you can learn from them and let them go

    84. The fact that you are unconditionally loved and accepted

    85. A really good cry

    86. Sex

    87. New life

    88. Beautiful men and women (look in the mirror)

    89. The rituals that give security and meaning to daily life

    90. Your favorite things

    91. The ridiculous people you can always count on for a belly laugh

    92. Little touches from people you love that make everything okay

    93. Little munchkins who you can never be with quite enough

    94. The good examples who’ve inspired you to be your best

    95. The bad examples who illuminated the paths you shouldn’t take

    96. The movies, music, art, celebrations, and people that remind you just how good it is to be human

    97. The you from yesterday you get to compete with today

    98. Refreshing walks that calm your mind and ease your spirit

    99. The ability to change your whole life with one good decision

    100. The option to be grateful no matter where you are or what you’re experiencing

    —

    Gratitude is the most important choice in your day—and you can find things to be grateful for everywhere if you look hard enough. If you liked this list, try making your own at the end of each week and put it in a gratitude journal. Your life will effloresce, I promise.

  • Is Your Life Really as Perfect as It Looks on Facebook?

    Is Your Life Really as Perfect as It Looks on Facebook?

    Retro woman with phone

    “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” ~George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

    So would most women.

    This is the way we have encountered life so far. Better to show the world just the socially acceptable and shove the rest under the rug. That’s where the hard truths go.

    But we all know the trouble with the rug. Stuff builds up under the rug and eventually you land on your face. Hard truths don’t go away.

    Social media is exacerbating the historical tendency to present only the pretty, so we’re justifiably, and understandably, really scared about putting the hard truth out there.

    Naturally, we don’t post that our relationship is in trouble, or that we’re going to lose our business, or that we have a physical illness, or some deep emotional stuff that we’re working through, or that we’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, or depression, or have an addiction.

    If we did, it might bring a whole slew of support, but it’s also a high-risk maneuver.

    I saw a meme the other day that read, “May your life be as amazing as you pretend it is on Facebook.”

    It made me laugh out loud. And I’m as guilty as anyone.

    I’m a big advocate of transparency and vulnerability. I’ve written publicly about my eating disorder, as well as depression and anxiety. Those were big.

    But you are unlikely to see me online yelling at my kids, crying after I’ve argued with my husband, or first thing in the morning, pre-caffeine and make-up.

    Recently, on Facebook, I posted a playhouse that I’d sanded it down and re-painted for my kids. I felt pretty damn pleased with myself.

    Here’s what I didn’t post.

    I actively encouraged my four-year-old to watch TV for a lot of the day while I painted.

    The next day my husband yelled at my six-year-old for turning on the electric sander without supervision. She cried. I was annoyed with him for watching rugby and not helping me, even though I didn’t really even want his help. I wanted to take credit for doing it all myself, and I did.

    This is hardly egregious behavior. It’s not super high on the shame scale. But still, I just posted the happy ending. My two girls standing by the white picket fence smiling.

    Actually, it’s a grey picket fence, and I think that’s a great metaphor. Because our lives are never black and white. A lot of life is grey.

    Having a crappy day (or week or month or year), getting the odd bit of road rage, feeling bitter and twisted toward our co-workers, worrying about our appearance, feeling overwhelmed and rushed, disliking the behavior of our children, getting sick—that’s grey.

    We’re ashamed of the grey because we think it is unacceptable.

    But the more unacceptable thing is to choose not to acknowledge it, and to pretend we’re not human. Because clearly we are.

    Part of being human is smiling kids, cute playhouses, and happy families. A big part. A beautiful part.

    But it’s not all of it.

    By ignoring what we perceive as not so beautiful, we do ourselves a disservice. We do our fellow humans a disservice. Because we are not telling the hard truth.

    But the reason we are not telling the hard truth is because it is hard. It feels way too vulnerable.

    We’ve all felt the pain of judgment, whether from ourselves, or from others. It’s a hard thing to recover from.

    It brings up shame, and nothing keeps you quiet like shame. Shame ensures we take the safe option. Picnics with our kids, holidays, sunshine, and happy faces.

    And you know what? This is okay. In the meantime.

    I don’t believe in feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Fear, like any other emotion, has something to tell us. Fear believes it is trying to protect us. So I believe in feeling my fear, acknowledging my fear, honoring my fear for what it’s trying to protect me from, and then letting it know that I’m doing it anyway.

    I wonder, can we honor our fear and allow it to help us be more vulnerable, and more real? To help us show up more? Little by little?

    Can we recognize our shame and our denial, too, and thank them for their role? Can we listen and learn so we can move on?

    Shame, denial, and fear are like misunderstood bad boys. They’ve put up a wall. They are trying to protect you from judgment, because they know how much it hurts.

    Shame will tell you that you can never let anyone know, because whatever it is doesn’t measure up.

    Denial will tell you that if you don’t engage with the hard truth, it can’t hurt you.

    Fear will tell you that courage is a lofty goal you probably can’t reach.

    Like with bad boys, you know in your heart that it’s not healthy to stay in the relationship. You’ve got to learn from the relationship and find a way to leave as gracefully as possible.

    When I experienced depression and anxiety, I had a close relationship with all of them.  

    I wanted to believe there was no problem. If there was a problem I could explain it away with something else.

    I wanted to believe that if I just tried harder, these symptoms would go away. And try I did.

    I wanted to be courageous, but I couldn’t.

    I wasn’t ready to leave denial, and this resulted in a very difficult few years—for me, for my husband, and for my babies.

    When I did leave, I found a way to sort through the grey. Shame and fear were still frequent visitors. They needed time to let go.

    We all needed time to integrate. And this was okay. Not at the time so much, but in hindsight.

    Here is some of what I’ve learned about shame, denial, fear, and courage that I hope will help you:

    1. There was actually nothing wrong with me.

    Shame, fear, and denial stepped in because I thought there was. But there wasn’t.

    2. What was wrong was that I was basing my perception of myself on society’s perception of me.

    I was caught up in people-pleasing and perfectionism and trying to be someone I wasn’t. I had no idea how to handle my emotions, and no idea how my thoughts about myself and my emotions corresponded. This resulted in a long trip down to the bottom of the barrel, and a steady climb back up.

    3. There is something wrong with society’s perception of mental health issues.

    We change that one by one, by individuals understanding that society’s perception is the problem, and allowing ourselves to be honest about that. That is the truth, but it’s still a vulnerable statement, and becoming vulnerable is a journey.

    4. There is something wrong with continuing to seek the white picket fence and ignoring the grey in life.

    It’s not serving us well. We change that too by working toward transparency. Transparency is also vulnerable, and for me has been a work in progress.

    5. When we recognize that everyone has some kind of issue (it’s not just you), we gain courage.

    And trust me on this. Everyone has issues. Kind of like everyone has a belly button. When you come into this world, you get both.

    —

    Opening up and being transparent, whether to family or friends or online, is risking engaging with shame, denial, and fear. It’s risking deafening silence or unhelpful comments.

    It’s not always going to feel safe. It’s not always going to be safe. You should feel no pressure to do it if you haven’t had a chance to work through the stuff that you need to work through.

    But it is something to work toward, little by little. Because grey is a very pretty color, really. And the truth, although hard, is still the truth.

    And only the truth will bring us closer to love.

  • The Good News About Feeling Bad (And How to Get Through It)

    The Good News About Feeling Bad (And How to Get Through It)

    “To honor and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It’s whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime.” ~Robert Johnson

    There’s nothing worse than having a bad day (or week or years…)

    Or when emotions take over and carry us away.

    Or when our relationships bring challenges.

    Or when we endure great loss.

    Or when we wish that just once when things started getting good, they stayed that way.

    But difficult times are really offerings that show us what no longer serves us. And once they’re cleared, they no longer have power over us.

    No one, including myself, wants to feel bad. After decades of trying to overcome depression and anxiety, one day, I finally stopped trying to fix myself. I then came to the amazing realization that there’s really no problem with me.

    This is what set me free:

    Several years ago, my parents both died of cancer, I had many miscarriages, my husband and I divorced, and my dog of sixteen years had to be put down.

    It was intensely difficult, and I fell apart. I hardly recognized myself. At the same time, even in my darkest hour, I knew in my gut that I would somehow get through it.

    In the midst of my mid-life crises, wondering when and how I would get over the debilitating, soul-crushing loss, I trusted myself not completely, but enough. 

    During that time, I made a new friend whose father had recently passed. I invited him over for a bowl of my famous Italian chicken sausage lentil soup.

    He was angry and confused. He was in shock. I picked up my soup in the palms of my hands and said to him, “Grief is a big bowl to hold.”

    At any given time, without knowing why or how, grief can overcome us in a number of aching expressions.

    We get super pissed off. Or we want to hide. Or we push away those we love, and wall off. We want to numb the pain. Or cover it up.

    Seemingly insignificant annoyances trigger us. Perhaps a token, memory, or random happenstance wells us up.

    We all mourn in different ways, wanting more than anything for it all to end. And we sometimes pretend that it’s over when it’s not.

    Someone once told me that there is grief and frozen grief.

    Frozen grief is grief that got stuck like water passing from a liquid to a solid state—a cohesion of molecules holding together, resisting separation. Like a Coke in a freezer, it can burst.

    Warmth and equilibrium are what’s needed to nurture it. But there’s not a single temperature that can be considered to be the melting point of water.

    I read once that after suffering a great loss, it takes two years to heal—or at least have a sense that the trauma is now of the past, even if not “over.”

    At two years, I was doing better but I still wasn’t great. I worried then I was frozen.

    Cheryl Strayed wrote in Brave Enough:

    “When you recognize that you will thrive not in spite of your losses and sorrows, but because of them, that you would not have chosen the things that happen in your life, but you are grateful for them, that you will hold the empty bowls eternally in your hands, but you also have the capacity to fill them? The word for that is healing.”

    Cheryl Strayed knew about the bowl too.

    It took four years, and then one day, I saw the clouds disperse and the sun rise. I was frustrated it wasn’t two. It was four. But that’s how long it took me.

    In the grand scheme of things I can look back now and see all that I learned and how I grew. In my most broken hideous moments the most magical thing happened.

    I came to love my big, beautiful, messy self. I came to accept her like nothing else.

    As much as I missed my mother and father, the husband I loved, the babies I didn’t have, and the dog that replaced them, I came to a place of loving myself like my own parent, my own spouse, and my own child.

    I was all that was left. And if that was it, then by God I was going to love her.

    And what did loving myself really mean?

    It meant accepting myself enough to allow myself to be a mess.

    To not apologize 100 times for every single mistake, or kill myself over them.

    To humbly say to others and myself, this is it.

    And then, somehow, I started to accept others like myself. They got to be messes too. And my heart opened. And I could love again. And I let love into my big, beautiful bowl of lentil soup.

    Here are some tools to help you love yourself as you feel all that you’re feeling—the good and the bad.

    1. Accept feelings without judgment.

    Use this question:

    What if it didn’t matter if I felt ________ or not?

    Then, fill in the blank with whatever you’re judging yourself for. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is.

    Let it be, without doing anything with it or trying to make sense of it, while holding a loving container for yourself and the people around it.

    2. When an emotion is carrying you away, identify the feeling by narrowing it down to one of these:

    • Anger
    • Fear
    • Sadness/Grief
    • Joy/Loving

    Our feelings are layered. Underneath anger is fear, under fear is sadness, and under sadness is our heart, where our joy and loving lies. 

    This formula can guide you in uncovering each of your emotional experiences to come to your heart more quickly.

    For example, after my mother died I was angry. I didn’t know why I felt so angry until I cleared through the layers.

    I discovered I was mad that she left me. But the anger wouldn’t have subsided until I identified the fear underneath it: I was terrified of living life without my mom, and I was shutting down my vulnerable feelings to protect myself.

    Of course, under the fear was tremendous sadness that she was gone. In order to heal, I needed to feel the tears rather than suppress them with anger and fear.

    Once I could touch the tender, fragile parts inside, my tears had permission to flow out whenever necessary.

    When my tears emptied, the sadness lifted and was replaced with enormous love, compassion, and gratitude for my mom. When I thought about her it didn’t come with pain anymore. I think of her now only with happiness and joy.

    3. Realize that spirals both descend and ascend.

    When we hit a particularly difficult downward spiral, we have the opportunity to focus on raising our frequency.

    In these times, I meditate more. I choose not to fuel the negativity by talking too much about it with friends. I clean up my diet. I go to yoga—whatever I can do to make a positive adjustment toward self-loving and self-care.

    I find something to ground me. It could be as easy as taking the garbage out (literally!), jumping into a creative project that fulfills me, or taking a walk in the sunshine—anything to find the scent of the roses.

    4. Know that after good experiences, “bad” things will happen.

    After expansion, we always contract. And that means nothing about us.

    Life brings us lemons so that we can discover how to go deeper and closer to our true selves. Once we’ve hit one level, there’s always another.

    We can have some good days where everything is great, and then WHOA, something steps in that challenges us to grow.

    I’ve come to accept that I will eventually lose momentum after being in the flow.

    The good news about feeling bad is that when we get thrown off course, each letdown strengthens our spirit when we find our way out.

    “Downtimes” are our ally. Without “bad,” “good” wouldn’t exist, and just like life, we learn to roll with it. What’s most important is how we acknowledge and validate our being human as truly enough.

  • 21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)

    21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)

    “Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.” ~Remez Sasson

    While juggling a full-time job and my writing, I found it easy to lose track of the days. Weekends ceased to exist, and my life ebbed and flowed between working and writing, the two constantly blurring into one another.

    I dragged myself from day to day without a moment’s rest in between. When I did rest, I’d feel guilty for taking a break from working on my dreams, and it didn’t take long for the guilt to turn into frustration.

    I wondered whether I’d ever reach my dream of writing full-time, if and when it would ever come.

    I intended on using every free moment I had from my job to write, without realizing the true consequences of what I was doing. And by constantly pushing myself forward, I never gave my mind the space it needed to shape and form my thoughts; I never allowed myself to simply be, which resulted in all kinds of mental blocks and frustrations that met my writing progress head-on.

    I was on my way to burnout, and fast, and I knew I needed to make a change. So I turned to meditation. It helped me become more mindful throughout the day and approach my writing from a new angle of clarity.

    As I began to incorporate mindfulness into my daily routine, I found it easier to give myself permission to relax and unwind from the pressures of my day job, rather than simply filling every moment with something more to do.

    Mindfulness Goes Beyond Meditation

    While meditation can help you become more attuned with your mind, you already possess all the tools you need to reap the benefits of a quiet, calm mind.

    By simply tuning into the small things in life, you can work your way towards a greater happiness and fulfillment in your own life. Here are twenty-one ways you can boost the quality of your mind without meditating.

    1. Create a mindfulness mantra.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” Every morning I remind myself that my new life starts today, which helps me step into the now and connect more deeply with the present moment and separate myself from the worries of my mind.

    2. Remind yourself you’re not your thoughts.

    Whenever a negative thought occurs in your mind, simply identify it as a “thought” or “feeling” and move on. You’re not scorn or regret, and you’re not self-doubt or anger. You’re separate from your thoughts, and they’re separate from you, so why dwell on them?

    3. Accept that thoughts arise naturally.

    And if you can’t change them, then why bother trying to replace them with different and “better” thoughts? Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t control, but don’t ignore them either; simply move past them and choose not to identify with them, even as they cloud your mind.

    4. Breathe.

    Take a long breath through your nose and breathe it out through your mouth. This can help to calm you and remind you that your thoughts are a small part of the infinitely vast world around you.

    5. Thank someone in any way you can.

    Even the small act of saying “thanks” to a cashier can reconnect us with the present moment, and it can also prevent us from becoming stuck in our own thoughts, which block us from enjoying life as it comes.

    6. Smile at a stranger.

    Smiling helps focus our attention outward to the people around us, and by reconnecting with this gratitude for others, we can connect more deeply to the present moment and remind ourselves to simply be.

    7. Go for a nature walk.

    Go for a walk and fade into the environment around you, and listen for sounds you’d otherwise have missed.

    8. Keep a daily gratitude habit.

    Keeping a gratitude journal helps pull us away from the stress of the day. It also forces us to appreciate life as it comes and find the good in every day.

    9. Leave your phone on silent all day.

    You can also turn off your phone’s notifications, as these can be distracting and pull you away from the present moment. Your messages will still be waiting for you there later when you’re ready to go through them.

    Turning your ringer off can also stop each disruption from clogging your mind and blocking you from the peace of mind you could be having throughout the day.

    10. Eat slowly.

    Focusing on the texture and the taste of what you eat can help remind you that while all feelings are temporary, it’s important to truly experience the moments as they come, rather than letting them pass you by.

    11. Drink tea.

    Tea can help calm your nerves and slow down your thoughts and connect you more to the present moment.

    12. Take a bath.

    Baths can help you relax by forcing you to take a step back from the bustle of the day, and they can be a great way to let your worries fall away as they fade into the heat of the water.

    13. Listen to instrumental music.

    It’s proven to boost your ability to focus, which can raise your quality of mind and help you relax when your thoughts won’t stop coming.

    14. Tackle one of the most stressful things on your to-do list.

    While it’s important to be mindful despite the demands of your day, don’t avoid completing a stressful task on your list if it’s giving you unneeded anxiety. If you need to finish your taxes, for example, but keep putting them off, then it might be useful to complete them to get rid of the stressful thoughts that come from procrastinating.

    15. Have a deep conversation with somebody you know.

    Fully focus on the other person and listen to what they have to say. By not simply waiting to say our piece, we can help pull ourselves out of our own heads and connect more deeply to the moment by showing appreciation to the people we talk with.

    16. Watch your favorite show.

    It’s important to take time out of our day to reward ourselves, and indulging in a simple pleasure like watching a show we like can help us step away from our worries and enjoy our free moments from the bustle of life.

    17. Write a haiku or any restrictive poem.

    This can challenge you to be creative in ways that free-form writing can’t do, and can help you recapture a moment in your life that was pleasant but fleeting.

    18. Do a word puzzle.

    Crosswords can help your mind be creative and can boost your intelligence, as well as the overall clarity of your thoughts. They can also provide a break from your daily routines, all while being fun to complete.

    19. Do the dishes.

    Doing the dishes can be a great way to take a break from life, and also be productive while you’re at it. Cleaning dishes can help you feel great, and it pulls you away from your current thoughts, which, in turn, can give your mind permission to relax and recharge from the stress of the day.

    20. Stare at a piece of art you love.

    Whether it’s the Mona Lisa, a poem you like, or a drawing that your spouse made, nothing is off the table here. Art is subjective, and it can help you feel and fully embody the moment by showing your appreciation for the work of others. (Just don’t think about why you like something, as that’s not important here).

    21. Pet a dog or cat.

    Feel the fur beneath your hands and the softness of their skin. Petting an animal can help release our tensions and connect us to the moment, and can pull us away from our thoughts.

    Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on ourselves that we forget to enjoy the moments as they come. We become trapped in the confines of the day-to-day and the span of our own goals, and we forget to enjoy the beauty of life and the little things.

    Being more mindful helped remind me that all good things come with time, and there’s no sense in working so hard if you don’t enjoy life as it comes. It helped me escape the pressures of my job and embrace my writing without allowing it to consume my life, and it helped remind me to enjoy life again by tapping into the power of the present moment.

    We All Have Time To Be Mindful

    Mindfulness doesn’t have to be time-consuming or all-encompassing. You can easily use any of these techniques throughout your day to calm your mind and keep yourself fixed in the present moment and free from your worries.

    Just don’t forget to stop once in a while and breathe it all in.

  • You Have This One Life

    You Have This One Life

    You have this one life

  • 3 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude and Boost Your Happiness

    3 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude and Boost Your Happiness

    “Gratitude can turn common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” ~William Arthur Ward

    Living in India for more than two years now has been an eye opening experience for me, as I’ve realized how I used to take so many things for granted. While growing up and living in my home country (Bosnia and Herzegovina) in Europe, I was lacking gratitude for all the blessings that surrounded me.

    While sitting in our penthouse apartment in the New Delhi suburbs, in an air-conditioned room, still feeling the need to chill with a cool water or a mango shake due to the intense heat (which can reach up to 118° in the summer), I could observe the construction ground across from our building.

    Constructions workers would come in at 9am and work for twelve hours, with only a short lunch break, without proper safety equipment, chilled water, or any shaded cover to rest.

    While they’d wipe sweat from their face, I’d imagine how hot they must be feeling, as I was sweating even in an air-conditioned room.

    Some of them were working together with their wives, who would help them earn their daily wage (equal to $1).

    These women would carry piles of cement and bricks on big pots on their head, from one side of the construction site to another, sometimes climbing many stairs as well. In my home country, I never saw women working on construction grounds or carrying such heavy loads on their heads.

    Their children would play in front of the construction ground with sand and small rocks, as their parents could not afford to send them to school.

    I thought about how, in my home country, children often complain that they “have to” go to school and people complain about how tough their jobs are. These people in New Delhi could not even dream of sending their children to school or having an eight-hour job in an air-conditioned office.

    The wives who didn’t work on the construction ground would work in our building as maids. One of them cleaned our home. Every day she came in with a water bottle, which she’d cool in our refrigerator, as they did not have an electricity, not to mention a refrigerator, in the slum where she lived with her family.

    After cleaning our home, she’d run back to hers with a chilled water bottle in her hands, almost losing her breath, as if she was afraid the heat might warm that water before she would return. Then she wouldn’t be able to cool her small children, who were waiting in the heat in a slum without a fan.

    Since that day, I never look at the ice cubes in my drink the same way I once did. Ice cubes were just pieces of frozen water, until I saw that for some people, even chilled water is a luxury! Ice cubes are a symbol of wealth and abundance to me now.

    I suddenly became grateful for all the things I am blessed with in my life, even the small things, like ice cubes, chilled water, nutritious food, a fan, an air-conditioner, mosquito repellent in the night, clean running water in my home, electricity—not to mention the “big” things, like an opportunity to get educated, to grow up in a beautiful home, which was warm in winters and cool in summers, my job, the power to choose my own husband.

    I never thought I should be grateful for choosing my husband. Yet, in a place where arranged marriages are still tradition, I realized that it was a blessing that I was born and raised in an environment where I could fall in love with a man and choose to marry him.

    Although arranged marriages do work here, and I see people fall in love after marriage, or at least create a relationship based on kindness, mutual respect, and care, I feel so grateful every day that I had a chance to choose the man I thought was the right for me, with my parents’ blessing and best wishes.

    We often take the things we have for granted, yet in many other parts of the world, there are people who would feel blessed and happy if they could enjoy them on a daily basis.

    If we just take a look around us we could find so many things to be grateful for.

    Some of the practices that can help us to cultivate the feeling of gratitude in our life include:

    1. Gratitude journaling.

    Keeping a gratitude journal, where we note all the things (or at least three things) we feel grateful for every day, can be a powerful reminder of how blessed we are.

    Noting down even simple things—like a delicious dinner we enjoyed, a warm home, a cup of tea or coffee, time spent with our beloved—can be a powerful practice to keep us grounded in a positive mindset on a daily basis.

    2. Creating a list of possibilities and blessings.

    It helps to write a list of all the things we are blessed with, things we usually see as givens, that in other parts of the world are not available to many people.

    So many women around the world still do not have the right or the opportunity to get educated, and so many children cannot attend school or University due to lack of financial resources. According to WHO, 12.9% of the world’s population (over 1 billion people) is undernourished and will probably go to bed hungry tonight.

    Millions of people around the world do not have an access to clean, running water and electricity, which in Western countries we usually take for granted.

    Having a roof over our head, a warm room, a meal on our plate, a degree or opportunity to go to University, electricity lighting our home, and cool water in summers are all big reasons we can feel grateful every single day.

    3. Shifting our perception.

    Instead of feeling sad and frustrated about being single, we can look at this same circumstance from another perspective—as the freedom to be able to choose our partner and wait until we find the right one. This simple shift can help us move from a negative emotional state to a state of gratitude.

    In the same way, we can shift our perception of looking at other things, like the job that we don’t like or our living conditions.

    When we catch ourselves complaining about housework, we can see it as a blessing that we have our own home and, as a result, clean it with gratitude.

    Instead of feeling annoyed that we have to cook dinner, we can feel grateful that we’re able to afford groceries. We can also consider it a blessing that, in this modern era, we do not need to manually wash our dishes or clothes.

    When we catch ourselves complaining about the job we hate or feel bored with, we can feel grateful that we have a job and regular income that can pay our bills.

    We can also be grateful for small things, like air conditioning in our office, having weekends off, or the fact that we don’t need to be exposed to harsh weather conditions or safety threats every day, like so many people in other corners in the world.

    There’s nothing wrong with trying to achieve more and move ahead in life, but we can never be truly happy if we do not appreciate what we already have.

  • How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    “Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better.” ~Unknown

    When I was about sixteen or so, one of my parent’s friends got into some trouble with the law. When we’d visit him he’d often shake his head from side to side and mumble, my life is in the toilet.

    He said it many times, for many years, even when things seemed to have gotten better for him.

    My life is in the toilet was his mantra.

    At the time I thought it was funny, so I adopted it for myself, until one day I started to believe it. I’ve since dumped that charming phrase and gotten a new mantra.

    Things haven’t magically become ideal for me since I did that. I mean, there’s this pinched nerve in my neck and those construction sounds across the street, and I could really use some more work, and…

    Type of Drains

    Everyone complains, at some point, at least a little, says Robin Kowalski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Clemson University.

    There are different types of complainers, according to Kowalski, such as The Venter. The Venter is a “dissatisfied person who doesn’t want to hear solutions, however brilliant.”

    Venting. We’re just letting off steam, right? Maybe not. I’ve personally found that the complain drain can be soul draining, not just for the complainer, but for all within earshot.

    Other types you may have met along the way (or may be yourself) are the Sympathy Seekers, the I got it worse than you do, and the habitual everything sucks folks.

    The Chronic Complainers, those living in a state of complaint, do something researchers call “ruminating.” This basically means thinking and complaining about a problem again and again. Instead of feeling a release after complaining, this sort of complaining can actually make things worse. It can cause even more worry and anxiety.

    No one is suggesting you be a peachy-keen-Josephine and pretend all is swell when it isn’t. What I’ve learned in my mindfulness practice is to aim to do the opposite.

    In mindfulness meditation, we try to experience fully the truth of the situation, in this exact moment, and allow it to just be. Easier said than done (but what isn’t?) Still, with practice, the need to express our dissatisfaction for things not being how we’d like them to be lessens.

    Can’t We Just Call Roto-Rooter?

    Running with this drain analogy…

    Call Roto-Rooter, that’s the name and away go troubles down the drain!

    When I was a kid I loved singing along to those Roto-Rooter commercials. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could “away go troubles down the drain?” Well, maybe we can.

    Most of us may have been unintentionally reinforcing the nasty habit of complaining, by virtue of… complaining.

    There’s something called “experience-dependent neuroplasticity,” which is the continuing creation and grouping of neuron connections in our brains that take place as a result of our life experiences.

    Neuroscience teaches us that neurons that fire together, wire together. Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, coined that phrase back in 1949. What this means is that whenever we think a thought or have a feeling or physical sensation, thousands of neurons are triggered and they all get together to form a neural network.

    With repetitive thinking, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time.

    So, if you keep your mind looping on self-criticism, worries, and how nothing is working out for you, your mind will more easily find that part of your brain and will quickly assist you in thinking those same thoughts again.

    This shapes your mind into greater reactivity, making you more vulnerable to anxiety.

    Imagine a truck driving down a muddy road. The wheels create a groove in the mud, and each time that truck drives down that exact spot, the groove gets deeper and deeper.

    The truck might even, eventually, get stuck in that mud rut. But it doesn’t have to. Instead of repeating the same negative complaints, we can drive our thoughts on a different road so we don’t get stuck in that negative mud rut.

    Throughout our lives we are wiring our brains, based on our repetitive thinking. We get good at what we practice.

    If we worry, creating more unease and anxiety, we become stellar worriers since our brain is responding, making it easier for us to worry each time we do it, thus creating our default mode living.

    Default mode living is our habitual way of going about our lives. It’s our reacting minds as opposed to our responding minds.

    Our reacting minds are often knee-jerk reactions to something. We often say or do things that we’ve said and done in the past, as if we were in that default mode living, on automatic pilot. But our responding minds come into play when we give ourselves a pause before responding to a situation.

    We ask ourselves what’s really going on and what the next best step is. It’s a clearer response in the moment that’s not linked to past responses. So, how do we respond instead of react?

    4 D.I.Y. Tips – Stop The Drain!

    You’re stuck in traffic and not only are you complaining out loud to the cars that are in your way, you’re imagining getting home and complaining to tell your significant other all about it. You’re practicing this conversation in your head while in the car. Your heart races, your forehead tenses up. It’s all so very annoying! What to do?

    1. Catch yourself.

    During meditation we soon find out that our minds will wander. The moment when we notice it wandering and we bring it back to our focus, our breath, that moment is what one of my teachers calls “that magic moment.”

    The catching yourself is the practice. Also, the not judging or berating yourself for having a mind that thinks thoughts. All minds think thoughts. That’s their job.

    So to stop the drain:

    • Catch yourself in a complaint.
    • Stop complaining.
    • Congratulate yourself—you’re aware!

    2. Be grateful.

    I’ve tried it; I simply can’t seem to complain and be grateful at the same time!

    I’m stuck in traffic, but I’m grateful to have a car. I’m grateful for the song that’s playing on the radio and the sunny day.

    It doesn’t matter what you’re grateful for; it can be the smallest thing, just notice. Complaining could very well be the evil twin of gratitude. Favor gratitude.

    3. Practice wise effort.

    In Buddhism, wise effort is letting go of that which is not helpful and cultivating that which is skillful.

    In the book Awakening the Buddha Within, Lama Surya Das breaks down wise effort into four aspects, the first one being, restraint: “the effort to prevent unskillful thoughts and actions.”

    Make the effort to pay attention and catch your complaining, negative thoughts before they become words.

    Try it out and see how it feels. You might be surprised as to where you habitually have been putting your energy. Everything takes a certain amount of energy.

    Next time you find yourself caught in a complaining loop, pause and regroup. Make the choice to put your energy elsewhere. The more you do this, the easier it gets.

    4. Make a new groove.

    Just the way our thoughts created that groove to make negative thoughts easier to replicate, we can create a brand new groove for pleasant feelings.

    The more often we allow our minds to remember the good stuff, the easier that kind of thinking becomes.

    Do you want to be the person who’s never satisfied and can always find fault in others, yourself, and the world at large? Or would you rather be someone who sees things as they are and finds a way to make peace with it? Let’s pretend it’s up to you. Oh, wait, it is up to you.

    So, what do you say? You don’t need Roto Rooter to flush your troubles down the drain. Just make a new groove.

  • 20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    Osha Key
    Photo: Osha Key

    “The Universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that.” ~Rumi

    I remember when I was a kid, “thirty years old” sounded very old and mature. “Someone who is thirty clearly knows everything about life and has it all figured out.” That was my assumption.

    Life taught me that not only thirty-year olds, but most people in general have no clue what they’re doing with their lives and why they’re here.

    Although I’m far away from knowing all the answers to life’s biggest questions, I feel like my twenties have been such a learning curve.

    I lived in eight different countries, changed careers, started my own business, transformed my body several times, met my soul mate, overcame major challenges, and it feels like I’ve become a completely different person.

    I recently turned thirty and it made me reflect on the last decade. Although it often seems like life doesn’t change much and every day is the same as the last, when I look back at my life it feels like I’ve traveled to a parallel universe.

    I’d love to share the life lessons I learned in my twenties.

    1. How other people judge us is none of our business. We won’t please everyone anyway.

    I spent my teen years and early twenties worrying about what other people thought and said about me. But later in life I realized that it could only affect me if I allowed it to.

    What other people say or think of us is a reflection of them—their values, expectations, insecurities, and standards—and has nothing or very little to do with us.

    People who are wise and/or know who we truly are will not judge us, as they see and know our essence. And those who don’t, we can’t control their thoughts and actions.

    2. Admitting mistakes and apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness.

    I used to think that apologizing was a sign of weakness and used to play cool and ignore my mistakes. But now I think that the sign of weakness is being full of yourself, having a huge ego, and trying to pretend to be right, no matter what.

    When I noticed how much I respect people who admit they are wrong and apologize, I embraced this behavior myself. It feels liberating.

    3. No one is perfect; we’re all works in progress.

    People might seem like they have their lives together and live perfectly, especially if you judge them by their Instagram pictures. However, when you get to know people more intimately and they open up, you see that even the most successful and seemingly perfect people have insecurities and problems. Some of them have even more than you could ever imagine.

    My life, too, may seem perfect on the outside: I love what I do, travel a lot, live in the tropics, and have an amazing partner. But I still have plenty of challenges and ups and downs in my life—you just won’t find about them on my Instagram account.

    4. Living according to our values and truth is the most satisfying thing in life.

    Determining my main values in life (which are currently health, freedom, connection, and contribution) has put me on a journey to growth. It’s given me clarity and strength to make difficult decisions, like moving countries, ending relationships, and changing careers.

    No matter what you do, if you let your values and truth guide your decisions, it will turn out well, even though at times making these decisions might feel scary and make you feel vulnerable.

    5. Money is just a form of energy.

    I went through periods when I put too much importance on money, as well as times when I criticized money as not being spiritual. It turns out money is just a tool that enables us to do certain things, and it can even help us grow spiritually if we face our patterns or limiting beliefs.

    At the end of the day, money is just a form of energy. The more energy and value you give, the more it comes back (although there’s often a time gap between giving and getting).

    6. We’re not stuck in our reality, our identity, or our story.

    Our sense of self, or identity, is a conceptual fabrication. It’s nothing more than a summation of what everybody else—our parents, teachers, mentors, friends, and society—told us we were, and we accepted as truth.

    We can change instantly if we choose to, although most people unconsciously choose not to. The only thing that keeps us stuck is our own mind. Investing time and effort in mind training, aka meditation, has been one of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life.

    7. Outside circumstances are usually a reflection of our inside.

    Negativity could never affect us unless there was negativity inside of us in the first place.

    Anything that triggers us is a gift, as it points out the areas that we haven’t dealt with or things that are unhealed.

    8. Health is more important than appearances.

    I want to be in great shape because being healthy and fit improves the quality of my life, not because I need to look hot to impress others.

    Although I tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, I still cared a lot—until I learned how to love myself and realized that all I ever needed was a genuine acceptance and appreciation from myself, not others.

    Once we know who we are and are confident about it, external approval becomes less and less important.

    9. Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

    We’re all going through life and doing the best we can with the resources and knowledge that we have at any given time. Let go of anger and grudges, and forgive others and yourself for being an imperfect human.

    10. I’m biased (and so are you) and I know it (and so should you).

    We’re all biased, and realizing that our perspective is neither better nor worse than someone else’s has been both scary and liberating. Letting go of the need to be right and understood has accelerated my growth and allowed me to see the world from many different perspectives.

    11. Loving-kindness moves mountains.

    Whenever I walk with loving-kindness, in my heart, the whole world smiles at me. I mean it literally, not just metaphorically.

    If the world seems like a sad, scary, or unfair place, practice loving-kindness and compassion, and you’ll see from a different perspective.

    12. Listening to our heart, even if it looks ridiculous from a logical perspective, will never fail us.

    All my best decisions in life didn’t make sense. From the outside perspective, I looked like a mad person when I made some of my choices. But there was this inner voice saying, “Even if you don’t know how exactly it’s going to turn out, all is going to be okay.”

    We all have this inner voice; we just need to remove the distractions that hinder us from hearing it, and most importantly, find the courage to listen to it and act on it.

    13. Plans are for adjusting.

    Nothing has ever turned out exactly how I planned. But I believe life always gives us what we ask for. It might not be in the exact form we ask for, though. If you ask for patience, you’ll get a queue in a bank. Life will give you people, opportunities, and circumstances to learn what you need to learn the most.

    14. If we want our relationships to succeed, we have to leave our ego behind.

    Relationships challenge us and facilitate growth. My romantic relationship taught me that trying to be right or holding your pride just doesn’t work if you want it to succeed.

    You have to see a relationship as one ship. If you try to fight and argue and win the “battle,” you’re trying to sink the ship you’re on, so it’s best to see the common goal and common good. This was very challenging in my early twenties but probably the best lesson I’ve learned in life.

    15. Connections are the key to happiness.

    We’re social beings and we long for connection.

    No matter how many cool and amazing things you have going on in your life, if you don’t have people to share it with, you won’t be as happy.

    Surround yourself with people who make you feel your best and recognize who you truly are.

    16. Comparing ourselves to others is the fastest way to feel anxious and unfulfilled.

    It takes practice and self-love to be able to celebrate others’ success, especially when things are not going the way you want to in your own life. But understanding that we’re all on our own journeys has helped me stop comparing myself to others and instead be inspired by others’ journeys and success.

    17. Learning and investing in our skills is the best strategy for future success.

    Physical things, money, even people in our life come and go. The knowledge and skills we’ve acquired is what we carry with us.

    18. Don’t take things personally.

    We suffer when we identify with things, people, circumstances, situations, job titles, and relationship statuses. Embracing the attitude that nothing belongs to us and “all just is” has been very liberating and has brought ease and joy to my life.

    19. Other people don’t always want our help.

    We have to stop forcing our beliefs or trying to help if our help is not welcome.

    I made this mistake way too many times in my early twenties. I was always passionate about helping people, but it took some time and bad experiences to realize that if someone’s not ready for your help, they will not accept it, and you might even do damage rather than service.

    20. Building healthy habits will pay off one hundredfold.

    When I was twenty, I used to smoke, drink alcohol, consume excess caffeine, and eat foods that were unhealthy for my body. And I was fine for a while. When you’re that young, your body can handle anything. But later your body starts tolerating these habits less and less, plus they add stress and your body starts to break down.

    Becoming healthy and changing my lifestyle has been one of the best things I’ve done in life. It gives me so much energy and I feel amazing every single day, thanks to a healthy lifestyle I lead.

    Chances are that on my fortieth birthday I’ll look at these lessons from my twenties and think that I had no clue about life whatsoever. That’s okay. The only constant is change, and humans are consistently inconsistent. I’m can’t wait to see what my thirties will teach me and what kind of person I’ll to become.

  • 5 Simple Words That Can Turn A Bad Day Around

    5 Simple Words That Can Turn A Bad Day Around

    “If your heart is beating, if your lungs are breathing, if you are still alive… then it is not too late to do something kind, creative, generous, satisfying, and courageous. Today.” ~Alexandra Franzen

    It was one of those days.

    You know the ones—when nothing really bad happens, but everything just seems to go wrong. When lots of little annoying things happen and the day seems to spiral from there.

    This was one of those days.

    I had woken up with a headache and decided to hit the snooze button on my alarm (twice) so I didn’t have to face the day yet, which meant I had to rush to get ready and make it to my first university class of the day.

    I ended up getting to class late (and I’m one of those people who hate being late), and as the day went on, things got worse.

    In another class, I found out that we had a test that I had completely forgotten about and hadn’t prepared for.

    Then, later on, I was meant to be meeting up with a group of people to work on a group assignment, and no one came.

    So, by the afternoon I was pretty over it.

    “Could this day get any worse?” I dramatically thought.

    And then it did.

    When I was walking home, I got caught in a rainstorm and discovered that there must have been a hole somewhere in my shoes. I seriously felt like I was in a movie where someone was having a comically bad day.

    As I stepped in the door, I decided that the day was ruined and there was no point in trying to do anything now, but I stopped myself in my tracks with one of my favorite mantras by Alexandra Franzen:

    “Today is not over yet.”

    This mantra shifted my thinking immediately, and I realized there was still time to make the day count.

    After all, it was only late afternoon.

    So, I had a shower and put on dry clothes. I waited for my boyfriend to get home and we headed into town, where we bought mint raw chocolate and kombucha. We walked around the town and through one of my favorite parks.

    We ended up getting burgers for dinner, having a really meaningful conversation, and then going to see a movie.

    When I arrived home that night, I realized how profound those five words had been and how they had helped me completely turn my day (and attitude) around.

    Earlier in the day I could have chosen to give up on the day, but instead, I made a choice to find a way to make the rest of the day count—to do something that was meaningful for me—all because I reminded myself that the day wasn’t over yet.

    My day went from being the worst day of the week to one of my favorite days of the week, even though it wasn’t all good.

    This wasn’t just a one-off experience; I’ve used this mantra so many times, with amazing results.

    There was the time where I felt like I had wasted an entire Sunday and this mantra inspired me to head outside and go for a walk, where I ended up witnessing one of the most spectacular sunsets I’ve ever seen.

    There was the time where I was having trouble getting some writing done, and this mantra convinced me not to retreat to the couch and binge-watch my latest Netflix obsession. As a result, I ended up getting more work done than I wanted to.

    There was the time where I felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong, and I had been in an unhappy mood for days that I just couldn’t shake. This mantra inspired me to spend one hour writing down every single thing that I could think of that I was grateful for, which turned around my day (and mood) completely.

    And this is just the beginning. Time and time again I’ve used these five words to turn my day around.

    I love using “today is not over yet” as my mantra to turn a not-so-awesome day around because:

    1. It is a powerful reminder to find a way to make the day count.

    This mantra reminds me that there is still time to make something good happen, no matter what has happened so far in the day. It reminds me that I don’t need to wait for a new day, a new week (or month or year) to decide to turn things around.

    2. It reminds me that I have a choice.

    And when I’m not having a good day, I can choose what happens from that moment. I can choose to throw the day away, or I can make a different choice and try to find a way to make the day count.

    3. It reminds me to do something (or many things) each day that are meaningful to me.

    It can be easy to fall into the habit of living each day on autopilot, but this mantra makes me re-evaluate how I’ve been spending my “life-minutes” and reminds me to be intentional about making this day—and each day—count for me.

    4. It reminds me to be grateful for each day, no matter what.  

    As Alice Morse Earle said, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” And this mantra helps me to be intentional at finding and creating the good in each day.

    So, no matter what has happened so far in your day, if you want to make the rest of your day count, you can!

    To make this day count you might like to:

    • Do something kind for yourself. This might look like doing something you love that you don’t usually make time for, giving yourself a five-minute break to breathe and have a cup of tea, or asking yourself, “What do I really need right now?”, then doing it.
    • Do something productive. This might look like doing that thing you’ve been meaning to do for ages but haven’t gotten around to getting it done, making appointments that you’ve been putting off, or cleaning an area in your home.
    • Do something you wouldn’t normally do. This might look like going to the movies in the middle of the week, or baking a cake even though it’s no one’s birthday, or going for a walk on a trail you’ve never been to.
    • Do something—anything—that is meaningful for you. Something that makes you feel like you’ve made the rest of the day count.

    So whatever time you’re reading this, whatever has happened today, know that there is always time to make the day count.

    The day doesn’t have to be over yet.

    It’s up to you what happens now.

  • How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Aren’t you tired of it?

    You know, that sneaking suspicion you aren’t enough.

    That inner commentary about where you fall short all the time. The mean internal remarks about your ability to handle life and how you just don’t measure up.

    And aren’t you fed up with how it’s been holding you back from pursuing what you truly desire?

    A better relationship or more meaningful work. That dream you’ve never told anyone because it just seems impossible when you think about going for it.

    Listen, I’ve been there too.

    My self-esteem was so low that I was eventually overcome by a terrible apathy, which turned into bouts of debilitating depression, which led to even lower self-esteem.

    It was a vicious cycle that started when, as a young child, I somehow disengaged from my true self and my higher power. This disconnection led to many irresponsible choices.

    The worst one was getting pregnant at sixteen and giving my baby up for adoption. It was the right thing to do given my situation, but I was consumed with grief and guilt for years.

    Then there were the addictions I created to cigarettes, overspending, anxiety medication, and alcohol.

    For years, I unconsciously went from one self-destructive behavior to another, rather than connect with and develop myself.

    As you can imagine, all this didn’t exactly build my sense of self-worth.

    Thankfully, I eventually found the courage to let go of the patterns that held me back, reclaim my true self, and recognize talents I never knew I had.

    Step by step, I was able to heal, rebuild my self-respect, and become who I am today—someone who never doubts that she is worthy of love, belonging, and all of life’s riches.

    How I Raised My Self-Esteem and How You Can Too

    1. Take a risk.

    We’re often afraid to show the messy, flawed, and vulnerable part of ourselves to others. But it’s a tremendous relief when you do and someone accepts you just as you are.

    When I finally shared my teen pregnancy and adoption story with a friend, I was so surprised when she told me the same had happened to her, only she had decided on an abortion. In that moment, our connection deepened, and my emotional wounds healed a little bit more.

    Shame vanishes when you receive support and understanding from others. We must stop trying to appear perfect by keeping our perceived flaws a secret and going it alone.

    2. Don’t get stuck in regret.

    Accept the reality that we all make mistakes, and choose not to get stuck in regret.

    Mourn your slip-ups fully, learn from them, and make amends where possible. Then forgive yourself, and let go of the past so that you can move forward, knowing you’ve done your best.

    Try to view difficult circumstances as opportunities to grow in awareness rather than as blows to knock you down. Accept the things you can’t change, change the things that are under your control, and keep heading in a positive direction. Strive to go forward and deeper within as well.

    3. Refocus your attention.

    Rather than focusing on your flaws, pay attention to everything that’s good about you and makes you unique.

    Come up with an actual list, and refer to it often to remind yourself of your strengths. This might include your natural talents, your learned skills, your achievements, your dreams, and even your healthy relationships.

    Cultivate extra self-confidence by choosing one item from your list and honing it further until it turns into something you can be even more proud of.

    You can actively direct your attention to creating the kind of experiences you want in life and becoming the person you want to be.

    4. Strive for integrity.

    Live in accord with life-affirming values such as truth and kindness. You feel proud of yourself when you seek the truth and do the right thing—the thing that gives you a sense of integrity and wholeness.

    Take time to identify what matters most to you. Then measure all your choices and actions against these core values, making sure you’re in alignment.

    Living this way simplifies decision-making and leads to genuine integrity.

    For example, loving-kindness is currently my highest core value. It’s important to me to treat myself, other people, Earth, and all living things with love and compassion. So when I have a choice to make or face a challenge, I often ask myself, “What would love do?”

    5. Develop your self-trust.

    Self-esteem rises when you know you can trust yourself, when you trust your own instincts and intuition over the ideas of others, and when you’ve proven to yourself that you can face disappointment and frustration without becoming destabilized.

    The more you can handle stress by self-soothing and finding strength within rather than escaping into self-destructive behaviors, the more you will trust yourself.

    And the more you honor your core values when facing life’s inevitable challenges, the better your outcomes will be, leading to more self-trust.

    In this way, you can build a sense of security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    6. Be of service.

    Look around for how you can connect with and help others in your everyday life. Even a smile or a kind word can make a difference to someone else and instantly increase your sense of self-worth.

    Consider volunteering for a cause you care about that needs your particular skills. One of the best things I ever did was volunteer as a head coach in my local Girls On the Run after-school program.

    Empowering young girls to be joyful, healthy, and confident lifted my spirits and boosted my self-confidence. There’s no better feeling than knowing you truly helped someone.

    7. Never, ever give up.

    You must not allow negative thoughts to overwhelm you. Stand up for yourself no matter what. When you choose to be positive, you know you’re doing your best and can feel good about yourself, despite unfavorable circumstances.

    No matter what difficulties show up in your life—even if things seem hopeless—don’t ever give up on yourself. Always choose to channel your energy in a positive, productive direction.

    “Most of the important things in the world,” said personal development teacher Dale Carnegie, “have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

    You: Necessary, Valuable, and Worthy of Reverence

    The truth is, healthy self-esteem requires ongoing vigilance and upkeep. It calls for self-understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, plus large doses of self-compassion.

    It’s a tall order, but it’s worth the effort.

    We’ve all made excruciating mistakes, encountered harsh criticism, and experienced crushing disappointment. We’ve all taken a hit to our self-worth at one time or another.

    But you are just as entitled to good relationships, fulfilling work, and having your dreams come true as anyone else.

    After all, your being born a human here on Earth was, in itself, a miraculous event. It means that your uniqueness is necessary, valuable, and worthy of reverence.

    So don’t cheat us of your gifts by getting stuck in low self-esteem. We need you out here in the world.

    In the words of spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, “You are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are!”

  • We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    Deppresive Man

    “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee

    It felt like I was being crushed by the weight of the world.

    “Impossible,” I thought.

    It’s impossible that people actually suffer this kind of pain and survive to tell the tale.

    When I thought about it, my stomach contracted as if I’d taken a blow to the gut. I’d gasp for breath and try to find some air through the tears and in between sobs.

    So this is what grief felt like.

    Now I understood why denial is the first stage of grief. How could you endure this kind of agony if you had to face the force of its full frontal attack?

    I felt sick and exhausted. I lay down and, although I expected never to find enough peace to sleep again, I quickly drifted off into a place where there was no more pain.

    When you think of grief, you think about a great loss.

    A death of a loved one, news of your terminal illness, and the loss of your home from the violent winds of a tornado are all acceptable events to grieve about.

    We can understand how any of the above can bring a person to their knees. We expect people to grieve over these losses.

    What we refuse to understand is the grief we feel over the smaller losses. (more…)

  • 7 Steps to Happiness

    7 Steps to Happiness

    7 Steps to Happiness

  • 6 Empowering Lessons Death Taught Me About Life

    6 Empowering Lessons Death Taught Me About Life

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside us while we live” ~Norman Cousins

    I am not dead and I am not dying, so you may wonder why I write that death has taught me what I need to know about life.

    I lost my mother when I was fifteen. Being a teenager, thoughts of anyone close to me dying had not entered my head. My mother had a brief illness and passed away unexpectedly at age forty-seven.

    I remember that my schoolmates came to see me, and I kept thinking that they had their moms. More than being sad that I had lost my mom, I was angry that I had been placed in that position. I missed my mom a lot and just wanted her to come back and be with me.

    I started developing a fear that my father would die soon too. When I was in my early thirties, my fears came true when my dad passed away suddenly after a heart attack. He was a skilled physician, a kind man, and more importantly, a wonderful father to me.

    As if my dad’s passing away was not enough, my older sister died unexpectedly a year later. I always considered her a strong person, and I could not fathom how she could have died.

    To add insult to injury, another sister of mine passed away soon after that.

    By then, I had decided that the Universe was conspiring against me. I did not think anyone cared, and I put on an act, pretending to be happy. The truth was that I was buried under the rubble of my fearful thoughts, and constantly worried that something would go wrong.

    The next couple of years passed by with various family mishaps till one day, I lost the prestigious job I had.

    You may wonder why I classify a job loss in the same category as death, as a job is not irreplaceable. To me, at that point in my life, the job loss had the same feeling of injustice that the death of my parents and siblings so early in my life had for me.

    One of my friends suggested that I read books about having positive thoughts. I googled “positive” and started to devour self-help books. I subscribed to Tiny Buddha and spent time meditating.

    I reflected on what I read while drinking coffee in the quiet stillness of the early morning hours.

    I meditated while on the treadmill, and I realized that the answers to my questions had always been within me. I had just let the unannounced and uninvited negative thoughts I had to overshadow the shackled positive thoughts within me, yearning for a release.

    I realized that I was not singled out for anything bad, as I also had a lot of blessings to be thankful for. I had just chosen to not focus on the good in my life. I knew then that I am a survivor. I would like to share my lessons, which I hope will help you face loss of any kind that devastates you.

    1. There is a survivor in each one of us.

    If you have survived even one moment after a tragedy, you are a survivor.

    Yes, there is a sense of utter hopelessness and despair at first, soon after a loss; but every passing moment shows that you can and you will live this life you have been given.

    It proves that you are strong; it proves that you are not a quitter; and above all else, it proves that even if you never forget who or what you have lost, you will not run away from living life.

    After all, life is not about living in defeat.

    2. There is always something that is going right in a person’s life.

    Even in the midst of a tornado of unforeseen circumstances, and all the despair it brings in its wake, there is always something to appreciate in life.

    Even though I lost my parents and sisters, I still had wonderful friends in my life.

    We need to focus on the good in our life and try to be happy. Being sad and focusing on what we do not have does not change the circumstances.

    You can either make a list of what you have, or you can make a list of what you do not have. The first list will bring you peace and happiness, while the second list will bring you only sadness.

    You may have a lot of things that make you unhappy, but if you have even one thing going well, you have to focus on that. I have found that the more I consider the good in my life, the more things seem to come together for me.

    3. Do not take the people you love for granted.

    If you are lucky enough to have loved ones in your life, call them often. Visit them often. Share your life with the people who love you.

    What can be more important than the people you care about, who care about you?

    No one is guaranteed to live a hundred years, and even a hundred years can pass all too fast.

    4. Let go of expectations that events in life need to happen in a certain manner that you favor.

    Life happens, and it may or may not turn out as you hoped it would. You just have to work with what you have. A lot of times, you may be surprised to find that you end up liking what you get.

    Even if you are disappointed that you did not get what you expected, and even if you are upset that you do not have what you want, it is still possible to lead a good life if you can let go of your expectations and find reasons to be happy with what you have.

    Life becomes a lot better when you learn to accept it.

    5. It is not your fault that bad things beyond your control happen.

    Blaming yourself will take you down a long and lonely road with no end in sight. Guilt is a hard taskmaster with no mercy.

    Even the most meticulously thought out life will have unforeseen hardships disrupting the plans.

    You could not have changed the circumstances surrounding the loss. You could not have prevented it in any way.

    Sadly, death happens and life still goes on. When my mother died, it was the day before the Festival of Lights, and all my neighbors were enjoying firecrackers outside in their garden. Life went on. When my father died, life went on. When my sisters died, life carried on.

    I used to wonder where God was till I realized that God is the strength and energy that pulled me through all of these circumstances.

    6. Be open to miracles.

    As long as you are living, something wonderful could happen at any moment. Life may have lows that you never expected and that you did not foresee, but it also will have highs that you never dreamed of that will bring you joy beyond your wildest imagination.

    The Universe does not owe you anything, so be grateful for any blessings that you have. Do not let anything slip away.

    No matter what happens, try to enjoy the life you have. No one else can enjoy it for you.

  • Get Out of Your Head: The Life-Changing Power of Embodying Your Body

    Get Out of Your Head: The Life-Changing Power of Embodying Your Body

    woman skipping

    “The modern individual is committed to being successful, not to being a person. He belongs rightly to the ‘action generation’ whose motto is ‘do more but feel less.’” ~Alexander Lowen

    I’ve always been a little bit scared of my body. And when you’re scared of something, you tend to avoid it at all costs. So that’s what I did for most of my childhood and teenage years.

    I avoided it in lots of different ways, and most dangerously, I avoided it unconsciously.

    I was bought up doing a lot of physical activity—gymnastics, dance, basketball, and horseback riding. Although this wasn’t bad, the perspective I developed was. I grew up seeing my body as a challenge to overcome—something to will into performing better.

    Moving into my awkward pre-teen and teen years, surrounded by an image-obsessed culture where our bodies are displayed in a hierarchy of perfect to undesirable, I started to rank myself.

    It was inevitable that I’d become even more isolated from my body. I stopped playing sports as much, feeling too insecure to lose myself in something I enjoyed, and started feeling embarrassed about my body altogether.

    I had an idea of what I should have looked like, but it seemed impossible to mirror that image without feeling miserable.

    It was as if my body didn’t belong to me anymore. Other people’s preferences determined the way it moved and how it looked.

    I neglected the conversation my body was trying to have with me.

    We are a head culture, and increasingly so. We spend a scarily large portion of our lives inside our minds. Whether it’s on Facebook, talking on the phone, listening to music through headphones, or staring at screens, our physical interaction with the world is limited.

    It’s rare for us to use our bodies physically in any activity. Even when we exercise, we often have the ultimate ego goal of looking good in our minds, not feeling good.

    I realized that my mind had become so loud, and with university coming up and more responsibility looming, it was just going to get louder.

    One day, by chance, I came across bioenergetics.

    Bioenergetics is a form of therapy that seeks to understand personality through the expression of our bodies. Its most fundamental principle is that what goes on in the body affects the mind, and vice versa.

    Essentially, the mind and the body are the same thing.

    This was groundbreaking to me, because I had always thought of myself as two separate entities—the mind in control and the body along for the ride.

    Exploring bioenergetics further, I started to practice calming my busy mind through paying attention to the physical sensations in my body.

    I would stretch every morning, not using any particular routine, just allowing myself to move, and in turn, relinquishing any sense of control over my body.

    I learned to let myself breathe in a way that made me feel good. Not with the shallow breaths I was used to taking from years of sucking in my stomach, but deep, indulgent belly breaths. The satisfaction and happiness I felt from simply breathing deeply was phenomenal.

    I learned that being exhausted doesn’t indicate a “good workout,” but that my body was telling me I had done too much.

    I would go on these intense runs and not even be aware of myself until I was home, sweating, and bright red in the face. Why do we force our bodies to run that extra mile if they’re screaming at us to stop?

    In a society that values power and progress, our bodies can sometimes take the role of subordinate, working beneath our minds.

    We want to achieve more, so we repress feelings of tiredness in the name of getting more done. We ignore tough emotions, like sadness, because we think we have to put on a happy face to the world around us.

    When you listen to your body, you get a greater sense of your emotions flowing within you. Allowing your emotions and feelings to surface and be expressed, as opposed to repressing them, is a recipe for happiness.

    It takes courage to give in to how you feel, but when I started doing this, I wasted less energy trying to hide my real feelings.

    Instead of runs, I tried going for walks, moving slowly and sensually, with purpose, being completely aware and engaged with myself and everything around me. It has proven to be a much more enjoyable experience.

    And why not enjoy our bodies?

    Our heads are a seductive place to live because inside them, we feel we have complete control. But through having complete control, are we really enjoying life more? The gaping void between a mind that can’t be quiet and a body that is a dozen steps behind causes us nothing but stress.

    Sometimes we need to let go of our heads and follow our hearts. To truly experience life is to allow the thinking in our head to mute and the feelings and sensations in our bodies to amplify.

    Next time you’re going somewhere, pay attention to everything you feel in your body as you walk. Try not to plan what you’re going to do when you arrive; just stay very present with your body in the moment you are.

    Think of children playing, and how much excitement and joy they get from just moving and being in their bodies. There is no reason we can’t be like this again. We just need to trust in our bodies—in ourselves.

    I turned against my body and the intricacies of its needs, all in the name of progress—in order to look better, run faster, perform more accurately. I now know that our bodies are our gateways to the world; and unless we are fully living in them, our presence will be limited and the world will pass us by.

  • You Can Be Happy

    You Can Be Happy

    You can be happy