Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Use Silence to Help Your Hurting Friend

    How to Use Silence to Help Your Hurting Friend

    “Sitting silently beside a friend who is hurting may be the best gift we can give.” ~Unknown

    There’s a time for words and a time for silence. Thankfully, when I went through one of the darkest periods of my life, I had friends who knew what time it was.

    When things go well, your friends don’t usually need to show up in silence. But everything changes when you go through a season of intense pain and disappointment. I know this from firsthand experience.

    My life took a drastic turn for the worse when the first ride of the season on our motorcycle ended abruptly. A driver who should have stopped and waited turned left onto the highway, right in front of us. In that moment, we met a world of hurt.

    After the initial crash, which I barely survived, I experienced incredible peace and gratitude. I was in a great deal of pain, but I found myself grateful for my family, the excellent care I was receiving, and hope for a better future.

    In the early days of repair and recovery, I appreciated the friends and family who came to visit. I enjoyed hearing their news and talking about my journey. I read, with gratitude, the cards that were filled with words of encouragement and love.

    But I also appreciated the times when words were not spoken. My true friends would watch me fall asleep in the middle of a conversation and not be bothered. They knew I needed the rest and were okay sitting in silence.

    When Silence Meant the Most

    At the four-month point of my recovery, the pain and loss took a turn for the worse. An infection in my leg that was supposed to be killed two months earlier was alive and well. It resulted in an unexpected re-admittance to the hospital and a painful fourth surgery.

    After that fourth surgery, the reality of my situation started to sink in. My body would never be the same again. The next marathon I was planning to run would never see me at the starting line. The door into a brand new work opportunity that opened up just before the accident was slammed shut.

    As the losses mounted, my infected leg throbbed under the pain of reconstruction. I slipped into depression and struggled to find relief physically and emotionally. The pain medicine took the edge off the physical pain but the emotional pain was relentless.

    At one particular low point in the hospital bed, my wife and two life-long friends sat with me. In the void of silence, something powerful happened. I started to cry shallow tears at first, but then guttural sobs that came from the deep pain I was feeling.

    At that point in my hurt, I would have snapped had someone told me, “It will be okay. Hang in there. You’ll get through this.” Those words would have felt like patronizing pity and been no comfort at all.

    What I was given in the silence was the best gift I could have received. I wasn’t out of the woods, but I had moved ever so slightly in the direction of healing and being present with my pain and struggle.

    I had a similar experience two days later in the same hospital room. Another dear friend came to visit, not with answers or platitudes, but with support and a willingness to sit in silence. He received my tears in silence without feeling awkward and left having given me a gift.

    Life Lessons on How to Help a Hurting Friend

    Through my experience with silence, I harvested several takeaways. I apply these lessons to myself and give them to you as you seek to help those in your life who hurt.

    Human Companionship Helps Carry the Pain

    When you go through a painful experience, part of the load only you can carry. Part of the load, however, can be shared by companions who travel with you. My friends drove me around, shoveled my driveway, looked after my work, and brought me the snacks I really enjoyed. But they also helped me carry my pain.

    Carrying the pain of another can be a challenging task, but when it happens, it’s like a cup of cold water on a hot day. When my friends sat with me in silence while I hurt physically and emotionally, they provided reassurance and support so I would keep going and not lose hope.

    Well-Placed Words Can Be a Comforting Distraction

    Sometimes we use words because we’re uncomfortable with silence. Sometimes we use words because we’re uncomfortable with pain and suffering. But words offered at the right time and in the right way can also be life giving.

    The words I appreciated when in pain were the stories of life and experiences in the outside world. I enjoyed hearing about the holidays taken to warm places, babies being born, and the jokes being told.

    The stories became a comforting distraction from the pain and difficulty I was experiencing. There were times when I wasn’t in the mood for their stories, but if that was the case, I would just simply tell them and they would revert to silence.

    Friends Give Us Strength to Hold Our “Why?”

    When I carried an overwhelming load of loss and grief, I asked “Why?” Asking “Why?” is a natural response to loss. The problem comes when we demand an answer and never get to a place of accepting our situation.

    The friends who helped me while I was asking “Why?” were the ones who didn’t try to answer the question but sat in silence and allowed the question to be the elephant in the room.

    I felt strength when my friends held “Why?” with me without needing an answer or making me feel bad for asking.

    Friends Remind Us We’re Not Alone

    Online social networks meet a certain need for connection, but when we’re in pain, they’re not enough. You need warm-blooded people to be present with you when you hurt. I certainly did. Having friends like or comment on my Facebook status helped, but it wasn’t enough.

    The presence of a true friend who is able to sit in silence meets the human need for connection and affects us more than we know. You know it matters because when you are alone for too long, depression and despair starts to set in.

    Just By Being Present, Friends Might Be Doing Enough

    When I was in pain the physiotherapist forced me to get out of bed the day after surgery, I dreaded it. I knew I needed to get moving again, but the pain and struggle was intense. What helped was a friend or family member who walked in silence beside or behind me.

    My friends saw my pain and struggle and couldn’t take it away. What they could do was be present, and when they did, made my life just a little easier to endure.

    Who in your life is in a world of hurt? Who could you help, not with words, but with your presence?

    If you don’t have the right words, don’t worry. Your presence and willingness to sit in the silence may be the best gift you could give your friend.

  • 11 Life-Changing Lessons I Learned from My Mother After She Died

    11 Life-Changing Lessons I Learned from My Mother After She Died

    “Those we love never truly leave us… There are things that death cannot touch.” ~J.K. Rowling

    Growing up, I was glued to my mother’s hip, ready to follow her wherever the world took us.

    I used to sleep at her feet on the floor of her law school lecture halls while hundreds of students poured over scores of legal terms and historical court cases.

    When I was six, we packed our bags to jet off on her semester abroad in Paris, and at fourteen, I stood beside her as she battled stage III breast cancer.

    After my stepfather passed away, I became her main source of emotional support during sleepless nights of grief, and helped her raise my twelve-year-old brother.

    When the periods of illness and trauma subsided, I supported her decision to buy a flat in Paris, despite many family friends misunderstanding her creativity and her courageous leaps of (sometimes irresponsible) faith.

    We journeyed to the heights of Machu Picchu, through the narrow alleys of Fez, Morocco, and camped in the jungles of the Amazon.

    If she wanted to explore a foreign destination, I was her wing woman.

    If I was overwhelmed by the insecurities of young adulthood, she served as my rock and confidence.

    My mother and I were interwoven, two threads running through the same stitch, navigating tragedies of life together. When she died this year, I felt betrayed, but began to search for meaning.

    While there are moments when I feel stranded and abandoned, terrified of the unknown future, I am beginning to uncover lessons that she left behind. This is what I’ve learned from my mother and through her death thus far.

    1. Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Reach out to strangers.

    When my mother and I would travel to different countries together, she always conversed with strangers. She would tell our life story and I was often embarrassed. I figured that people thought she shared too much and was inappropriate.

    I now recognize the importance of the connections my mother made. After she died, I received hundreds of messages, emails, and phone calls from people all over the world. They called to offer their condolences, but mainly to share how much my mother had meant to them. Whether she offered legal advice or simply shared a story, they gushed to me about how she had changed their lives.

    When she first decided to buy an apartment in Paris after she went into remission for cancer, she contacted the writers of her favorite blogs and instantly began to form a French community. They spent hours eating carefully selected cheeses and sipping rosé while discussing favorite Parisian restaurants. These are the people I now call my French aunts and uncles.

    What I judged as my mom making a fool of herself was her way of sharing her strength and charm. This taught me to step forward into fear and to not let self-criticism govern anything I do. Now, I speak up. I talk to strangers. I extend myself and because of it, I receive.

    2. If you don’t like something, own it.

    When we let go of shame and our fear of judgment, we free ourselves to do what we want.

    After my mom finished her last round of chemo, she made a vow to stop worrying as much about what others thought. From there on out, she did what she wanted.

    Life is too short to do things for approval or to avoid conflict. If you don’t like where you are, get up and leave. If you don’t like what the waiter brought you, order something else. If you aren’t happy with what someone says, respectfully let them know. You must be your own advocate.

    The more honest I am, the more I love. I have a difficult time being honest when I feel negative and vulnerable. Since my mother’s death, I practice expressing myself even if another’s response isn’t what I imagine. If it goes well, I only feel closer to the person I am honest with. If we don’t see eye-to-eye, then I feel closer and stronger within myself.

    3. Be willing to spend money on experiences.

    My mother and her family grew up extremely poor. They immigrated to Los Angeles from Taiwan and lived in my grandfather’s assigned student housing at UCLA, squeezing five people into a tiny apartment for two.

    Despite her childhood poverty, instead of gripping onto money earned, she believed in spending to create incredible experiences. She always paid for friends to join us for family events and dinners, in order to include all who were important to me.

    Dining out at different restaurants was one of her greatest pleasures, and she told each guest to order whatever they wanted. She believed that good quality food meant good quality life. She planned wild trips abroad and made sure to include strange excursions so that the memories would live with us.

    Don’t worry about saving every penny. I believe that if you have the means to let go, then let go. There’s nothing like sharing laughter with a friend over a good meal, or the adventure of taking a last minute road trip to a nearby state. If you have the money and you can afford to relax with it, spend it. Spend it, because you can’t take it with you to the grave.

    4. Don’t make impulsive decisions when you are feeling extremely emotional.

    Grief leaves me exhausted on most days. One minute I’m grounded, feeling confident in my ability to move forward slowly, and the next I am completely doubled over with fear and pessimism, a blubbering mess of tears. Combine this with the pressure of Estate legal dramas and you have a cocktail for extremely reactive impulses.

    These feelings have taught me a lot about the wisdom in pausing. Even if someone wants an immediate response from you, it’s your job to make sure that you take care of yourself first.

    If a situation doesn’t feel right, pause. If you aren’t sure, pause and consult multiple people. No matter what anyone instructs or insists, you have a right to tend to your mental sanity and clarity first. Whether this takes a couple of hours, days or weeks, is entirely up to you.

    Wait for feelings and situations to settle, for time to pass, and for more answers to reveal themselves to you. You don’t have to do anything right away. Your job is to take care of yourself and more will unfold on its own.

    5. Don’t overthink or rationalize your way out of everything.

    Even though it’s always okay to take time and ride emotions out, you may never be entirely comfortable enough to make the “right” or “perfect” decision.

    There is something to be said about risk and trust in one’s intuition. This will lead you into some incredible experiences that might not happen with rational thought.

    If I always waited to feel safe then I wouldn’t have spent four nights in Prague where I exchanged life stories at a bar with a French man, received advice from a writer for Vice magazine, and connected with a girl from the Netherlands who gave me Art Nouveau history lessons during our sightseeing ventures.

    My rule of thumb is this:

    If there’s high long-term risk involved, such as decisions on investments or legal issues, or if it can strongly impact other people’s lives, then let yourself breathe, think, and consult someone else before coming to any conclusion.

    If there isn’t much long-term risk involved but you are scared because you don’t know the logistics of everything, you can’t tell the future, and you want everything to be in your control, then take a leap of faith. You can always change your mind.

    I spent the past four years afraid to change my mind, afraid to disappoint others, and afraid of ridicule. I am now learning to empower myself, by allowing room for change and the freedom to decide differently.

    I may have said no to something yesterday that now feels like a good idea, and that’s okay. You are allowed to alter the path.

    Many of my mother’s closest friends told her they didn’t think it was a financially sound or responsible decision to buy an apartment in Paris. She did it anyway and because of this, I was able to witness some of the happiest moments of her life, in her fifties, in the apartment of her dreams, in the last few years before she died.

    6. Your story and talents are needed.

    My mother’s friends call me to confess how amazed they were by her willingness to help.

    “No matter what, I could always count on your mom. She would be in a hospital bed looking into legal matters in regards to my divorce, just to give me advice.”

    “Two weeks before your mother died, she was researching how I could deal with my US Green card from Croatia. She always wanted to help.”

    Even if you think your experience isn’t valuable, it is. My mother never felt like she knew or accomplished enough, but she used all of her life experience and knowledge to help others.

    You never know when what you give will be returned. Because of all of the support my mom gave, I have an international community of people who want to support me.

    There is always a friend or acquaintance who can benefit from your support, or someone who wants to know that another person has gotten through what they’re going through now. Don’t dim your light. Don’t remain silent. Share yourself and recognize the value in your individuality.

    7. Find a little thing to be grateful for in each moment.

    After my mom died, many of my illusions and fantasies were shattered. I realized how disconnected from reality I could be, absorbed in my world of false fear and anxieties.

    This single moment is all there is to live. Longing for the future or the past is indulging a mental fantasy.

    Find a “best thing” in each moment even if it’s small. Recognize at least one thing that you are grateful for in order to practice bringing yourself back to where you are. This will help you to feel the joy in the mundane and the preciousness in the practicalities of life.

    8. Do not take every piece of advice everyone gives you.

    Try not to let the common sense or “better sense” of others confuse your own intuition. Gather opinions if you are uncertain about a decision, but return back to your own internal guidance system. Allow others’ advice to help strengthen your intuition by tossing out what doesn’t resonate and hold onto what does. This will help you get clear about what is really true for you.

    9. “Stuff” doesn’t matter; connection does.

    My mother worked hard and rewarded herself through shopping. I’d frequently come home to new gadgets. About a week after she died, a jellyfish tank was delivered to our house. Now I have a jellyfish tank with no jellyfish, and no clue what to do with it.

    Since going through many of my mom’s personal items, I’ve recognized how insignificant material things are. She liked to buy interesting things, but mainly so that they could be shared. She sent spices and food ingredients to people in other states because she wanted them to try a new recipe that she discovered.

    On the Paris Home Hunters International episode that we starred in, she said to her friends in LA, “I’m also buying this property so you guys can now have a place to enjoy in Paris too”.

    The point of life is to share it. It’s not the objects that are valuable; it’s connection. Having a room full of things cannot make up for a lack of love or community. Spend money to enhance everyone’s experience and if you can’t do that, focus on the qualities to give that actually matter, like love, presence in conversation, communication, and your time.

    10. You’re never too old to do something new and completely different.

    My mom constantly wanted to know, learn, and be more. For her, getting a PhD in molecular biology and being an accomplished lawyer wasn’t enough. She also wanted to be a dancer, and fulfilled this by dancing three to four times a week at her favorite ballet studio for thirty-seven years. Then, at the age of fifty, she decided that she wanted to share her life story with the world and in order to do so, she had to complete a master’s degree in Creative Writing.

    Many people thought my mom was irrational and wanted to do too much for her own good, but she marched forward and kept achieving.

    I believe that it’s best to narrow down what is most important to you to accomplish. Some of us have a list of things we want to master, but it’s best to begin with one goal and to give that goal your consistent attention.

    There is something admirable about committing and seeing something to the end. Try not to give up halfway if it gets tough. Like my mother, push on until you get that degree, but don’t ever tell yourself it’s too late to step into the dream.

    11. Life isn’t about fixing yourself; it’s about letting yourself love and be loved.

    I spent many years trying to figure out how I could “heal” from emotional trauma only to realize that there will be no final “fixed” product of me. I am constantly evolving, and what I believe has changed me for the better is that I’ve learned to wait and to fully feel my emotions through.

    If I want to react out of anger, if I want to respond quickly to someone’s text or opinions, I don’t. Instead, I pause, I express what’s coming up for me either out loud to myself, or to my mentor, and I give it a day before proceeding.

    Sometimes I scream in my car, bawl my eyes out while clutching my dog, or I curse my life circumstances. Will I ever stop having these reactions or emotions? No, and at one point I thought that “healed” meant exactly that. I thought being healed meant finally being rid of these impulses or consuming moments, but I now know that isn’t true.

    It’s my ability to fully embrace and ride them out, to hold myself and say “yes” to those painful moments that makes me “healed.” I choose myself in my entirety now, with all of my pain, reactions, desires, and emotions.

    Life is about putting yourself out there. How much can you continue to risk battle after battle? This is what is beautiful. It is the resilience of growth and continuing on.

    Even after all of the grief I’ve endured, I always try to open my heart after it closes in fear. I can confidently say that I am proud of my willingness to show up time and time again, even in often messy and uncertain ways.

    It is my way of showing the world that I am here to receive the fortune, the ease, and the joy to come because I am willing to endure the difficult.

  • Happiness Is Celebrating Your Life for Everything It Is

    Happiness Is Celebrating Your Life for Everything It Is

  • Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to Stop Attracting Pain

    Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to Stop Attracting Pain

    “Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy.” ~Milton Erickson

    Sometimes, there comes a point in our lives when we need to let go of something painful, whether its guilt or a toxic relationship, but it’s equally difficult to let go and hard to live without. So we get uncomfortably stuck in the middle of two realities: where we are and where we want to be.

    But do we really want to let go of the pain? Or is letting go so scary and unfamiliar that we’d rather hold onto it?

    I’ve always been inclined to obsess about things, fixating on what I couldn’t have, even though this has hurt me, and I’ve also put myself in many self-destructive situations. For a long time, letting go of bad things that happened and toxic relationships was difficult for me, for a few reasons:

    1. I had allowed myself to become used to pain, after dealing with my fair share of hurtful situations, and I was scared of change.

    2. People with a similar proclivity for darkness appealed to me because I connected with them. And although our connection felt like I was filling a huge void in the beginning, the same thing that connected us ultimately drove us part. Unfortunately, because I wasn’t practicing self-compassion at the time, my compassion for others going through darkness was also limited.

    3. Because of my comfort with pain, I considered crumbs of happiness to be “enough.” I was intimidated by people who asked for “more” in their lives.

    As an adult, I take full responsibility over my choices, but I know a lot of these things go back to my childhood. Although my parents did their best, they often shamed, invalidated, and criticized me whenever I experienced negative emotions.

    This isn’t entirely uncommon, as many parents unintentionally repeat the same hurtful behavior their parents inflicted onto them.

    Over time, like many others in this situation, I began to internalize this shame.

    I began to believe something was wrong with me, simply because I was intense and my family didn’t have the capacity or interest to teach me how to navigate my strong feelings. So I began to distrust my emotions and to hate myself to the core.

    This carried into my adulthood, where I found it difficult to believe that I was enough and that I deserved more than pain out of life.

    Recently, for the first time in my life, I found myself forced to deal with my self-defeating tendencies head-on in a situation that really challenged my letting go skills.

    I was in a relationship where I was deeply, head-over-heels in love with a man who I thought was my soul mate. He was everything a person would want—intelligent, deeply sensitive, compassionate, and handsome.

    The problem was, he was sinking further and further into drug addiction the longer we stayed together. I guess he didn’t feel he deserved love either, and the warmer we were with each other, the more he had to punish himself for it.

    Eventually I had to choose: Do I save him or save myself? In an ideal world, both would have happened and we would have gone riding off into the sunset together. But this was the real world, and the effects of his addictions and refusal to help himself were making me severely anxious, depressed, and physically sick to my stomach.

    When we feel like we’re caught in the cycle of endless pain that we attract and we don’t know how to get out, we are faced with a spiritual emergency. We can fall into a deep depression, or we can choose be gentle with ourselves and try to heal from it.

    If you’ve struggled with this as well, here are some things you can do to break your pattern.

    1. Reconsider your relationships with people who frequently self-sabotage.

    Challenge yourself to examine who you surround yourself with. Would you say most of your friends self-sabotage, as well? And more importantly, do they do it in a way that triggers your behavior? For instance, if you go out with a friend who tends to drink themselves into oblivion, are you then put in compromising situations where you are also likely to make questionable decisions?

    If so, the solution wouldn’t necessarily be to cut these people off, for they are obviously hurting and still capable of growth themselves. Sometimes you need to move on, but if you think the relationship is worth saving, you can practice compassion while also setting boundaries so you don’t enable them or set yourself up for failure.

    In my personal life, I’ve had to set boundaries with my godmother. She and I were always very close when I was growing up, as I spent almost every weekend with her exploring museums, restaurants, and antique shops in Los Angeles.

    She was always a bit self-deprecating, but it was more of a quirk than a real problem. A decade later, when she was in her mid-fifties, she fell into a really deep depression and stopped going to work.

    She clearly needed help, and so my mother and I did everything in our power to help her. Despite our efforts, a year went by and my godmother was still in self-destruct mode; she refused to leave her house, work, take her medication, or go to therapy.

    Because I was spending so much time investing her recovery and she still wasn’t getting better, I began to feel extremely guilty and depressed, which then triggered me to get hospitalized.

    So despite the fact that I love her dearly and was very sad that she had given up on life, I can only visit her every couple weeks now and instead of every day. I’ve communicated to her that although I love her, I need to focus on healing myself before saving anyone else.

    2. Re-examine your worldview.

    If you find yourself perpetually self-sabotaging, this is a great opportunity to examine your belief system. You may have values or thoughts that fuel your hurtful habits.

    For instance, some of us may hold the belief that life is meaningless. Some of us believe we deserve pain. Whatever the reason for these beliefs, it’s important we recognize them and take small steps to challenge them.

    In 2012, I went to spend the summer at a yoga retreat in Hawaii. The program promoted wellness and self-care through daily yoga classes, sharing meals together, practicing transparency, and more. I felt a strong sense of resistance to all of this because I perceived that living a life dedicated to inner peace and self-exploration was too self-indulgent.

    I obviously didn’t use the opportunity to connect with the people there that were trying to heal. Although at the time the experience wasn’t particularly impactful to me, it did challenge my thinking and over time I came to see self-love as necessary and not just self-indulgent.

    3. Pinpoint the habits that lead to your behavior.

    Self-destructive behavior manifests itself in the smallest of ways, such as dismissing compliments or turning down opportunities you don’t think you deserve. The sooner you become aware of how you are slowly eroding any chance of happiness in your life, the sooner you can reverse it.

    Habits that I had to learn to let go included choosing emotionally unavailable partners, indulging my eating disorders, cutting, moving around from job to job, and putting off pursuing my passions.

    When trying to change a habit, the best approach may be trying to make small steps toward change so you don’t become discouraged. Change can be difficult for all of us, and that includes changing deeply rooted old habits.

    4. Choose to accept more love in your life.

    This may be the hardest thing to do, especially if you feel you’re unworthy. But remember that by continuously choosing destructive situations, you’ll never have the opportunity to expand your worth. And so you’ll have to risk a bit of a new experience so you don’t get stuck in this cycle of self-loathing and self-destruction.

    Since you can’t control the love you receive from the other people, the best place to start is with self-love. Things like saving money, working out, and indulging in your hobbies are all acts of self-love.

    You will eventually begin to experience more happiness because of the positive opportunities you’ve allowed yourself to experience, and then it will feel a bit more natural to open yourself up to more to others.

    5. Find an outlet for the uncomfortable feelings that may come up for you.

    It was around college that I began to suspect that I was extremely self-destructive. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I perpetually put myself in situations that were harmful to my well-being, while others around me seemed to be content making better choices for themselves.

    I knew a part of me wanted happiness, love, and success, so why was my behavior the complete opposite?

    I would skip class, hang out with people who did drugs, pursue men who didn’t respect me, judge people that were nice as “boring,” and seek chaos. I was desperately unhappy, but my fear made it difficult to really commit to changing.

    What helped me personally was converting my inner turmoil into art. This allowed me to validate what I was feeling and also provided a creative medium to communicate my inner experience with others, thus freeing me from my loneliness.

    It was only after completing a few writing projects that I was proud of that I began to build more self-worth. (I actually wrote a poem about self-harm, if you’re interested in checking it out.)

    —

    Although self-destructive behavior may always be an inclination for you, there are always things you can do to challenge yourself so that you have a shot at creating more positive experiences in your life. What works for you when it comes to overcoming behavior that sabotages your happiness?

  • Love Isn’t Enough (and Other Reasons I Ended My Toxic Relationship)

    Love Isn’t Enough (and Other Reasons I Ended My Toxic Relationship)

    “Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes we prolong relationships for the sake of comfort and familiarity. We’re fearful of what’s out there, and life without a partner. No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, taken for granted, or had our needs neglected, we still choose to stay even if our mind and heart strongly suggest otherwise.

    I thought I was strong for putting up with my ex’s mistreatment. I had held the ability to forgive in high regard, and I wanted to keep that standard.

    I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve been dumped fifty times by the same person, yet I put my happiness aside for them. I can’t even count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep. Even in the shower, I found myself taking longer than I used to because I shed my tears there, where nobody would find out.

    The worst part was when I could no longer fully express my feelings to other people due to the fear of getting hurt as I was being hurt in my relationship. I tried hard to numb my emotions so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain, but that also meant being unable to feel joy or any other positive emotion.

    The last straw happened when I went on a three-week vacation in Canada and the United States. We didn’t communicate often due to my ex’s work, and I was touring different places with my family, so Internet wasn’t accessible at all times.

    I hadn’t felt so free in a long while. I focused on seeing the world and spending my time with my loved ones, and I didn’t miss my ex one bit. Coming home from a vacation always gave me post-travel depression, but this one hit me much harder, since I knew I had to face the reality of my relationship again.

    As expected, within days of my return, my ex and I fought for the nth time. I’ll never forget the exact words that were hurled at me. “You’re a loser. You don’t deserve a vacation.”

    The crying and self-loathing came back. Except this time, I knew I had a choice and realized that I was choosing my own heartbreak. I remember the freedom I’d felt while away and decided I wanted that feeling wherever I went.

    It might have been a hard pill to swallow, but after six years of an on-again, off-again relationship, I came to the conclusion that it was time to break it off for good.

    The process was far from easy. It was a messy and dramatic breakup, and it took two months until there was absolutely no contact between us. No texts, no calls, no emails or messages on messenger apps, nothing.

    We were together for six years, starting in my teens, so initially I had no idea how to move on from somebody who had been present while I was building my identity as a person.

    Times like these put us in deep contemplation. We ask ourselves, “Is the sole purpose of my existence for him/her?” Or we tell ourselves, “No one else can make me happy.”

    Well, I’m here to tell you that, no, those things aren’t true.

    It’s been almost a year now, and things have been incredible for me. I am proud to say that I have moved on 100% from my past relationship.

    The following are lessons I’ve learned along the way:

    1. Love alone is never enough.

    Formerly, I firmly believed that “love conquers all.” Never mind the problems, never mind the emotional abuse, never mind the important stuff we could never agree on; as long as there was love, everything would fall into place. But it didn’t.

    I loved my ex very much and was loved back, but that didn’t change that I’d been disrespected. It didn’t change that my needs weren’t being met, despite how vocal I was about them. Is it even possible to love somebody who constantly degrades you?

    We were unable to make it because while love was there, respect and understanding weren’t. I was too wounded to express all my thoughts and feelings because I knew they would only fall on deaf ears. Our relationship consisted of never-ending fights, and the false idea that love would solve our problems.

    When I recognized how much self-respect and dignity I’d sacrificed, I realized that relationships need more than love to be successful.

    Love is a powerful thing. We need it, it feels good, but we shouldn’t use it to justify losing ourselves.

    2. We’re worthy, with or without a partner.

    Other single people around me complain about their relationship status and use it as the basis of their self-worth. I used to think that way too, until I imagined what the future would be like if I continued to have that mentality.

    If I retained that mentality, I would never truly be happy because I would always be dependent on my partner for love. I would always need that external validation instead of focusing on how I felt about myself.

    Since my breakup, I choose to love myself through daily actions. I get more sleep at night, commit myself to a workout routine, eat healthier, and spend time around people who make me feel good about myself.

    I happily accept the love I receive from friends and family because I know that I’m worthy, and I’m deserving of good things in this world.

    3. Life is uncertain and we must embrace it.

    My ex and I planned to live in a small house, with lots of dogs, and travel the world. We were going to run away from my parents, who didn’t approve of us, and live happily ever after. We weren’t going to have any kids, but we were going to pour ourselves into charity.

    At least, that was the plan.

    When a relationship is new, everything is great. I thought we’d eventually get married and execute all our plans easily. I was treating it like a fairy tale and refused to believe that we were less than perfect for each other. Fast-forward six years later, almost everything drastically changed.

    After the breakup, the uncertainty scared me. I asked myself what was going to happen to me now that I didn’t have any plans. I never knew that freedom could be so terrifying and liberating at the same time.

    I didn’t let the fear of the unknown stop me from following through with my decision. If I had stayed, the same problems would have continued occurring. Nothing would have changed. I knew I would never be happy staying in something that was detrimental to my self-esteem.

    Of course, leaving my unhealthy relationship doesn’t guarantee my next one will work out; it just means I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of finding a suitable partner.

    The happiest people in history never settled for less than what they deserved when pursuing their goals. The same should apply in our search for a life partner. It’s only by knowing our worth that we’re able to find real, lasting love.

  • How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    “Use your precious moments to live life fully every single second of every single day.” ~Marcia Wieder

    I recently came back from an amazing vacation overseas with my family. All of our travel went smoothly, everyone stayed healthy, and there wasn’t any drama or conflict among family members. Other than one flight being delayed, it was perfect.

    On the way home from the trip my heart and soul were soaring from the fun we had enjoyed, savoring the memories in my mind and feeling grateful. I noticed, though, that when I returned home my mind slowly started to shift. Not because of the usual dread of coming back from vacation, but rather because things actually continued to go well at home.

    My adjustment to my jet lag was fine, and the first day back at work was actually nice. By all measures I should have continued to feel pretty happy! Instead, I began to anticipate that something bad would happen.

    I could hear the voice in my head reminding me that I had just enjoyed ten days of vacation, so surely it was time for something negative to take place—a cold, stress at work, something.

    It was almost as if I was inviting something bad into my life to temper the positivity I was feeling in the moment.

    Some people describe this is as “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” and in my family we called it “Catholic guilt.”

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve done this a little too often, in several different areas of life.

    If my kids have been healthy for a good stretch, I start to have sneaky thoughts about how they’re “due soon” for a bout of some type of illness.

    If my finances are under control, I’ll wonder if we’ll have an unexpected repair that will take us off course.

    It’s not a concern if those thoughts float in and out, but I seem to have problems when they linger and begin to detract from what I am doing in the present.

    The truth is that life does change constantly, and there are ebbs and flows between happiness and pain.

    In one instant our situations can shift so drastically that we will be left reeling, so expecting that every day will be wonderful is obviously both unrealistic and unhelpful. Yet I’ve found that anxiously awaiting some sort of tragedy or pain often diminishes my current happiness.

    Waiting for the other shoe to drop is this tricky way that we rob ourselves of a good feeling in the now because we are nervously anticipating something negative in the future.

    A balance between fear about the future and a naive optimism is possible; we could call this space living fully.

    Living fully is where we acknowledge that life will bring suffering and beauty, pain and happiness, challenge and comfort, and it will all come at different times. If we live fully, we do our best to float gracefully between these times, aiming not to get “stuck” in a space of overwhelming tension.

    This is not an easy task, but below are some suggestions for those who want to decide not to wait in constant fear of that other shoe dropping.

    Tips for Living Fully

    1. Find time to be present.

    The beauty of being present is that, by definition, it doesn’t allow you to be anywhere else. When you find time to be in the moment, anticipatory thoughts about bad things happening may enter your mind, but you will gently and swiftly guide them to the side.

    Each of us has our unique ways of being present, whether it be a yoga class or exercise, quiet observation of nature, or meditation. Even a few minutes of quiet can be helpful in getting centered and focused.

    2. Try savoring.

    Just like you might enjoy a good glass of wine or a bite of cheesecake, you can also savor positive emotions or events.

    For example, I could recall the vacation I took overseas, reliving a particularly fun outing or adventure. I could talk about the trip with my family and coworkers, and look at pictures. As I do that I would begin to bring back those memories, and those positive emotions associated with these memories would also come back.

    3. Introduce some logic to your thoughts.

    Sometimes our thoughts can run away from us, going down a path that we know isn’t logical or helpful.

    In the case of anticipating something negative, I’ve found that I can best stop the thoughts with this simple reasoning: “Yes, it is inevitable that something bad will happen at some point, but I don’t know when or where. So, I might as well enjoy what I’m feeling now so later I won’t regret not having enjoyed that time when things were going well.”

    4. Practice gratitude.

    Being aware of what we have in our lives orients us to the present. We can always find something or someone to appreciate, and in showing this appreciation we gain an increased awareness of its beauty.

    Expressing gratitude can be private (e.g., keeping a gratitude journal or list) or public (e.g., writing a letter of thanks to someone), but I’m preferential to personal reminders of gratitude.

    For example, when I am feeling the joy of doing something I love or spending time with friends and family, I try to remember to say to myself: “this moment is good.” Just saying that brings me to the present and acknowledges my gratitude in the moment.

    5. Spend time with people who also like to live fully.

    It’s no mystery that emotions can be contagious. Friends or loved ones who are perpetually negative can influence our mindset, particularly if we find ourselves feeling anxious or dreading something negative happening.

    While we shouldn’t avoid or shun friends who are struggling, we can be purposeful about finding time to spend with those who give us a burst of positive energy through their ability to live fully.

    —

    Our lives are in flux, and change is inevitable. By not constantly waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and instead focusing on the now, we can flow more easily, joyfully, and fully through our days.

  • Take the Leap: Reinvent Yourself and Be Who You Want to Be

    Take the Leap: Reinvent Yourself and Be Who You Want to Be

    “The only thing that punk rock should ever really mean is not sitting around and waiting for the lights to go green.” ~Frank Turner

    I was exactly where I should have been on the afternoon I jumped. I was four years post-undergrad at an elite private college, halfway through a Masters Degree from the nation’s top Social Work program, about to begin an internship, and working three public service jobs simultaneously. My boyfriend had just moved into my apartment, and the feeling of being “settled” was just starting to sink in.

    The remaining challenge of adulthood, it seemed, would be finding the energy to keep working seven days a week on no sleep, maintaining each job so the humble salary of any single one wouldn’t become my sole source of income.

    It seemed fair to me. But moreover, it seemed normal. My father had driven to work at 4:00am my entire life, only returning at dinnertime to retreat to his home office and get started on his other work—the stuff that really paid the bills. Now that I was in my twenties it felt appropriate, mature even, to grind away the day and night and wear sleeplessness with pride.

    The “nobility” of my work in foster care added an even deeper sense of meaning. I felt my own self-worth balloon in relation to how many families I visited each week, how many ice cream cones I bought for abandoned kids, and how many miles I put on my car. It seemed to be filling some empty space in me.

    On some days, when I wasn’t listening to audio courses or dictating homework into my phone on the way to work, I would play a favorite punk album and sink into memory: epic sing-a-longs in dark rooms with my favorite bands and sweaty strangers.

    I’d remember the thrill of wandering Berkeley, California (my heart home) at night, pen in hand, and letting the poetry flood through me. I’d feel the thrill of sharing my words with other artists, talking free verse and Tom Waits and chapbook titles.

    But that was rare. I had grown up.

    Like most who plunge full-hearted into social services, my passion had formed as a direct response to a lifelong series of personal sh*t-storms, and my mission was to learn how to use my experiences to help others.

    And here I was, doing it, making the difference. By twenty-five I had built an unmistakable identity. Ambitious and tough, I was proud that my accomplishments in addition to my exterior image (despite my 5’2”/100 lb. stature) spoke of tenacity, unexpected power, and passion.

    Except at night I watched my boyfriend’s band practice and something bubbled under the surface, making my throat ache and my fists clench anxiously. At work I’d talk to clients about the importance of holistic health, drawing out their Life Circle and stressing the importance of following your bliss and all that new-age crap. I’d smile and shake hands and say things like, “If it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.”

    And I’d feel like a fraud.

    I was always, always, always in helper mode, but I was tired and numb. I longed just to find a sunny spot and read a book. 

    If you’re a helper, a healer, or a big-hearted person by nature, you know this ride, the push and pull of every daily interaction. An immediate clinical assessment, the five-minute inventory of a total stranger’s strengths and needs, and the “simple” things you can and must do to help them, make them smile, save them.

    Go to the grocery store and repeat. Go to your second and third job and ask what else you can do for the team. Go home and make dinner. Chip away at the text-stream, put out fires, offer condolences, advice, and both ears. Try to read five pages of a new self-help book before falling asleep on the couch, spent.

    Unchecked, it’s easy to live and die this way.

    So when I reached the top of the rock cliff forty feet above the calm blue quarry, I wasn’t expecting the invisible force that pulled me forward, though I should have been—my rebellious spirit had been waiting for the right moment to rescue me.

    To this day, the line between accident and intention is blurry. I had scaled the same precipice many times before, watching from the grassy patches as others ran and leapt and landed feet-first in the water with glee. My deep phobia of water was powerful, though, and I was always happy to climb back down the rocky slope to meet my friends at the shore.

    But this time was different; I was begging for an alternate ending. It wasn’t that I was knowingly asking for death, or even feeling particularly self-destructive. It was more like a deep internal urgency had hitched itself to the late summer air, and all at once, I knew I was supposed to take the plunge, to surrender myself to gravity, to water and earth.

    It was a sunny September day and my man was waiting in the water below.

    I wasn’t thinking about my lifelong fear of drowning, or my work cell phone, which was definitely ringing incessantly in the car a few miles back through the woods. I wasn’t thinking of anything. But my heart was pounding up my throat. My hands were sweating, and every time I revved myself up to make the short run to the edge, my stomach dropped and my feet felt stuck in mud.

    For the final minute on top of that cliff I felt the weight of my entire life—the straight A’s, the career ladder, the desperate drive to please my parents, the pressure, the self-denial—holding me in place. Still, sirens were ringing in my head and something wild was screaming, begging me to move.

    I took one last shaking breath, willed my right foot forward, then my left, pushed my black Vans off the edge, and leapt into empty air. 

    In order to land safely in the quarry, a diver must maintain perfect aim and balance, remaining upright so the impact of twelve feet of water is absorbed through the feet. Instead, closing my eyes and curling instinctively into fetal position, I hit the water face first. The impact shattered the bones in my face, causing my eye to break through the socket—muscles trapped in fissures, vision lost, reality gone.

    The last thing I remember from my first life is the feeling of a heated blanket in a dark hospital room. The neck brace made it hard to breathe and harder to gag each time I felt like puking from the pain.

    Paul, my man, my motivator, and my guardian angel, sat beside me in a metal folding chair for hours. When the painkillers finally took over and I sunk into oblivion, the feeling came rushing and brought tears to my eyes—stillness, relief, ecstasy. I whispered to Paul, though probably only in my mind, “Thank you for killing me.”

    It was a sweet farewell from my first self, and a grateful nod from a new me.

    The intensive recovery process prohibited work of any kind. In a novel medical approach the surgeon inflated a balloon within my sinus cavity, reconstructing my face and ensuring my vision could return to normal. But the delicate procedure deemed most normal daily functions dangerous, if not impossible. Worse, the hardcore regimen of painkillers and antibiotics left me covered in hives, photosensitive, exhausted, and constantly nauseous. But internally I was giddy, on fire, new.

    In a blur of exhilaration and terror, I was forced to stand still. To examine my swollen face and black eyes every morning and decide how to spend each day. I was an infant again. I was Dobby holding a sock—shocked, ecstatic, but unsure where to start.

    So I found a sunny spot and read a book.

    And every day, while the world worked and worried and wondered about identity and success and all the other mental prisons I was used to, I drove to cafes with comfy couches and read. And I wrote. And I contacted venues and bands to set up shows and I listened to all my old favorite albums.

    I found a cute little house outside of Woodstock for my boyfriend and me to feel like ourselves. We hung up all my posters from bands I grew up on and had friends over whenever we could, just to sit still, and talk, and feel.

    My internship was filled by another MSW student, and my grad school granted me a leave of absence. My foster care caseload was divided among my coworkers. By force, I was freed.

    That year I began therapy with a psychologist who not only helped me safely explore my past traumas, but also guided me into my second life with compassion and empowerment. I read and read and read, and the words poured back out of me.

    In the spring I decided to drop out of grad school for good, feeling confident in my own abilities as a social worker and student. In the process I was able to shed the borrowed beliefs that had led me to max out student loans and wear down my true self in pursuit of institutionalized validation. My life itself was suddenly enough.

    When I was able to return to work, I kept my full-time job in foster care and quit the rest. My coworkers whispered about “brain injury” and wondered if I was permanently messed up. But I gave myself permission to sit still and to call my own shots. I negotiated a flexible schedule and worked on publishing poems and building a creative business that made me feel alive, but more importantly, like myself.

    I don’t recommend jumping off a forty-foot cliff in the height of your professional climb. But I beg you—yes you, exhausted social worker, stressed out salesperson, dejected teacher, grown up punk, secret poet—to give yourself permission to pause.

    Question who you’re living for, who you work for every day. Question your values; are they really yours? Deconstruct your identity. Have you been carrying the same stories about yourself for decades (“I’m the hard worker, the overachiever, the struggling professional”)?

    Are you making a difference in the way that only you can? What will it take for you to push pause? Reset?

    Who would emerge if you killed your current self?

    Liberation looks different to everyone, and it’s always evolving.

    I still have a day job. My rent checks still occasionally bounce. My parents will forever be disappointed that I’m not a famous journalist or whatever by now. I still get rejection letters from publishers, and I have bouts of paralyzing depression… But there’s a different kind of dignity and drive that’s born when you take your life back from Default Mode, when you declare your own Red Light Moment and stop, then step back to take inventory.

    When your life belongs to you alone, every struggle has a purpose and every triumph is yours to celebrate. Being able to use my innate gifts to do work that fires me up, automatically multiplies my impact on the world. The same goes for you.

    What’s the thing you excel at without trying? Start there. Pretend the light has just gone green.

    Then take the leap. Listen to the wild voice that whispers to you, and trust the motion it compels.

    Chances are, you’ll land on your feet and someone will be there to guide you back to shore. But if you find yourself pummeling toward “death,” embrace it. Let your old self die along with the dogma and pressures that have worked on your tired soul all these years. If you want it, there’s a whole new world, and a better you, waiting on the other side.

    Then, curate your new life—ditch the jobs that suck your soul out through bloodshot eyeballs and forced smile. Purge the toxic relationships even if it means drawing a thick and terrifying line in the sand before close family and friends. It’s scary and most people will warn against this type of “recklessness.”

    Just don’t neglect to fill the void. Fill it with art and music or podcasts on self-improvement or long late-night talks with people you admire.

    If you can’t find the scene you’re looking for, make it. If you’re aching for more, build it. If you find yourself ready and waiting for the moment, it’s already here. Jump.

    *Disclaimer: Neither Tiny Buddha nor the author is advocating physically harming yourself to facilitate your personal evolution. The message is about embracing your truth and choosing to be reborn, not risking your life.

  • What to Do After a Breakup: A Brief Guide for the Newly Single

    What to Do After a Breakup: A Brief Guide for the Newly Single

    “Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.” ~Sanober Khan

    Last year, I decided to leave my boyfriend, who I had a loving and wonderful relationship with. I left for logistical reasons. I didn’t like the city I lived in or my job. But my boyfriend was happy there, so he stayed and I left.

    The world doesn’t prepare you for a broken heart. There aren’t benefits you can apply for when the person who’s been beside you for years one day isn’t. The reality is that unless you’re married, people understand your feelings for a moment when you tell them about your breakup, but not much longer after the moment passes.

    I will be so bold and compare losing a partner to losing a family member. Growing out of your teens and into your twenties is a big transition. And when you date someone through that time, they play a crucial part in that growth.

    This is what happened to me. I became a “falsely independent” adult woman. What I mean by falsely is that you feel independent, but really, you’ve just replaced your family, and any person you grew up leaning on, with a partner. And when that partner is gone, it’s time to start adulthood all over again. For me, it starts here.

    When you’re single, no one notices if you’ve eaten that day. Nobody tells you to come to bed when you’re staying up late working on a project. Nobody notices if you’ve worn the same sweater three days in a row, or if you need to trim your bangs.

    One day, months after my breakup, I woke up hungry and tired, wearing the same old clothes, and had hair hanging in my face. I realized then it was time to grow up and be my own partner.

    In the last year of being single, I’ve figured out a few ways to be the kindest, most loving partner to yourself that you can be.

    Invest in Your Friendships

    When in a happy and healthy relationship, we tend to let old or potential friendships fall by the wayside.
    Just make sure, like in any successful relationship, to give as much as you receive from your loving friends.

    Sometimes the best type of friend will let you vent for hours about your broken heart or the fifteen different guys you’re trying to date at the same time, but make sure you spend time listening to him or her as well. They might have a lot to say too, even if you feel like you’re going through more.

    When you find out that you and a new coworker have a mutual interest in running, and they say, “We should go running sometime,” instead of saying “For sure!” and then never giving it a second thought, take out your phone, type their phone number into it, and take them up on the offer.

    Make New Memories in Old Places

    For a long time, I had an impossible time walking around the city. It felt like my ex and I had kissed on every corner, shared a meal at every adorable café, taken a photo with every monument, biked around every park… brutal.

    I started going out of my way to make new memories in these same spots. I took an oddball tinder date to that adorable café, and for some reason, it’s easier to think of his eyebrow ring than old memories with my ex.

    I went to that same park with three friends. We drank ciders and played “Never have I ever.”

    That corner we kissed at for the first time? That’s now the finish line where I set my new PB for a 5k. Walking around the city has never been more peaceful.

    Give Yourself Cry Space

    This might be the most important thing I’ve learned in one year of mourning a relationship. Even a strong, independent woman like myself has a secret heart under my ribcage that is made up entirely of mush.

    It doesn’t matter if people understand how significant your breakup is. If it hurts you to think about it, then you need to let yourself cry, scream, pout, watch sad movies, listen to sad songs (and “our” songs), or stay in bed for a day.

    Have you been feeling sad, but burying it away and going through the motions of your day? Bad idea. Those sad feelings accumulate, and they will eventually come pouring out of you, and most likely at a really inconvenient time. Like when you’re at work. Or when you’re in the middle of giving a presentation. Or when you’re on a date with someone new. Trust me, I’ve been there.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve just lost the most significant person in your life. Your best friend. Your confidant. The one you thought was “the one.” You’re allowed to cry about it. Not only for the first week, but for as long as it takes.

    Throw Yourself into a Hobby

    Possibly the greatest benefit of breaking up with somebody is all of the free time you gain. You no longer spend hours and hours gazing into your loved one’s eyes, talking about nothing. Now is the time to gear up, get out, and start all things you’ve been meaning to start.

    Don’t know where to start? I like running. This year I ran a marathon. I also learned how to surf, learned a language, took up hip-hop dancing, read more books, and tried kickboxing.

    I know it’s tempting, but don’t make drinking or smoking your new hobby. Yes, it numbs that shattered heart of yours, but it isn’t benefiting anybody, especially not beautiful you. Plus, you likely won’t meet as many people at a bar as you will surfing at the beach.

    Celebrate Yourself

    My ex-boyfriend supported and loved me unconditionally, and he was vocal about it. It’s been tough for me to get used to radio silence when I say things to myself like “I did really bad at work today” or “I look so ugly in these clothes” or “I can’t sign up for that race. I’m not good enough at running.”

    In these moments, my partner used to chime in and make me feel like a million bucks. But that’s my job now. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but hey, no one has to know. I give myself pep talks in public bathrooms, I write notes in my iPhone, I ask friends to compliment me if I need it. Trust me, it helps.

    Personal Touch

    My ex-boyfriend and I worked, lived, and spent our free time together. I had probably an average of twenty minutes per day when I was out of arm’s reach from him.

    I have never been a “touchy” or “huggy” person. But in the last year of being single, I have become the cuddliest person around. I will take any opportunity to hold a hand, give a hug, or link arms with the person I’m walking beside.

    Don’t feel bad about this. You’re not strange. Humans need physical touch. Skin-to-skin contact can bring premature, dying babies back to life. Science says that if we go for long periods of time without being touched by a fellow human, it will negatively affect our mood, confidence, and physical health. Don’t be afraid to ask for a hug. If you feel like you need one, you probably do.

    —

    We live in a world where we are asked to get over trauma quickly. When I left my ex at the airport last year, I knew it would be hard. But I didn’t know it would be so hard, for so long.

    There is no rulebook on how to be okay after a breakup. But if we can make a nest in life where we feel okay enough to get outside, get social, and get close to others, then there is a chance we will be okay, and we might even find love again. And even if we don’t, then at least we’ve fallen in love with ourselves.

  • The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” ~Wayne Dyer

    One day, I was complaining about not having enough days off to escape work and treat myself to a vacation. I was feeling stressed and tired. I can recall my stepfather looking into my eyes with a deep sense of peace and compassion.

    “I hear you,” he said. “I know you work hard. Sometimes, I imagine myself jumping out of bed and going for a walk, whenever I want to.”

    His words came like thunder. It was a wake-up call to remind me how blessed I was and how much I was taking it for granted, as if nothing was ever enough. And there he was, my stepfather, trapped in a wheelchair by a severe form of multiple sclerosis, dreaming of a nice walk in nature. That day, he was my teacher.

    For too many years, I spent a lot of my precious time complaining. I thought I never had enough time, money, or love.

    Many of us get stuck in the habit of projecting our happiness into an imaginary future instead of living in the only reality that is, the present moment. We often think thoughts like:

    The day I get married, I will be happy.

    The day I can afford a bigger house, I will be happy.

    The day I make x amount of money, I will be happy.

    Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I didn’t know how to be happy. I continuously kept myself busy, always running somewhere so I could achieve more or better. Turning my happiness into a project and waiting for “the big things” to happen so I could finally feel joyful and satisfied.

    I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a rat racer. Here’s what I mean by that:

    In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar (a Harvard professor, leading researcher, and author) defines four different happiness archetypes:

    Nihilism

    Nihilists have lost their joy in life, both present and future. They find no pleasure in their work or private life and expect no future benefits or rewards. They’ve given up and resigned to their fate.

    Hedonism

    Hedonists live for the moment and give little or no thought to future consequences and plans. Because they feel unchallenged by future goals or a purpose, they are often unfulfilled.

    Rat Racing

    The rat race archetype often sacrifices current pleasures and benefits in anticipation of some future rewards. This is likely the most familiar archetype to many of us (continuously setting new goals, never pleased, always busy).

    It doesn’t mean that setting clear goals for the future is a bad practice. We all need a purpose and a clear vision. If we don’t even know what we want, how could we ever get that? The problem occurs when we attach our happiness to future outcomes without being able to see and appreciate what’s already good in our lives.

    Rat racing is all about hunting for happiness, chasing an illusion, and never feeling content. The more we achieve, the more we want: another house, another car, another job, or more money.

    Happiness 

    True happiness comes from keeping a healthy balance between the present and the future. It’s when we are capable of enjoying both the journey and the destination, focusing on today’s gifts, as well as our dreams, goals, and desires.

    “Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    The day I shifted my perception from stressed to blessed, everything changed. Here’s what I have learned and what worked well for me:

    1. Happiness is a verb. 

    Research has shown that happiness is 50% connected to our genes, only 10% attributed to life circumstances, and 40 perfect correlated with our thoughts and behaviors. That’s why happiness is not a noun; it’s a verb. For those of us who are mentally healthy, it’s an attitude, a continuous inside job.

    Many people are afraid to be happy, since they could lose it one day, and they let their worries ruin their joy.

    I cultivate optimism and trust the flow of life. I shift my focus from what could go wrong to what could go right. Whatever I fear, it hasn’t happened yet. I embrace my future with the genuine curiosity of a child, and I choose to believe that something wonderful is waiting around the corner—that we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and things happen for my highest good.

    If I see life with negativity, fearing that bad things could happen to me, my actions will likely attract the very things I’m trying to avoid. I’ve stopped letting my mind play with me and stress me with unnecessary fears, worries, and concerns about things that haven’t happen yet.

    I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, like this one:

    “Life loves me. All is well in my world, and I am safe.” ~Louise Hay

    2. I sweeten my life, every day.

    I have seen that many beautiful moments and small pleasures come at a low cost or even for free.

    If I don’t have time for my hobbies, I make it. I read a good book or watch a fun movie that brings me the joy and laughter.

    I gather with non-judgmental people who love me just the way I am. The mere act of having a good conversation over a cup of coffee charges me with a high dose of positive energy.

    I go for nice walks in the park and connect with nature.

    I play with my dog.

    I sometimes light a candle or some nice smelling incense. (Jasmine is my favorite.) It stimulates my creativity and makes me feel good.

    I’ve stopped waiting for the VIP moments of the year (like my birthday) to embellish my house with fresh flowers.

    I have created the habit of drinking water from a wine glass with a slice of lemon in it.

    I enjoy my morning coffee from a beautiful cup with a red heart on it, to remind myself that love is all around.

    I use the beautiful bed sheets and the nice towels instead of saving them for the guests, just because I’m worth it.

    “Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that’s why we call it present.” ~Unknown

    3. I grow dreams, not regrets.

    The need for stability and security (including on a financial level) is a basic human need. No wonder we start rat racing if we don’t have enough money! But what is “enough”? Isn’t that a subjective qualifier, based on our individual needs and expectations?

    I have met many wealthy people who were unhappy because their ego always wanted to get more or better. It’s like when we think, “Okay, I’ve got this house now, but when I can move my family into a bigger one, I will finally be happy.”

    Another reason we project happiness into the future pertains to limiting (often culturally inherited) beliefs around money that keep us stuck in a survival mode.

    Take my example: Years ago, I used to work in China. I lived in a beautiful compound in downtown Shanghai, all paid for by my company, and I was single, with no loans, debt, or financial commitments. It all looked wonderful, but deep inside, I was so unhappy!

    I knew I always wanted to travel the world and meet people from different cultures. I had enough money to afford that, and still, I was so afraid of spending! Even today I am thankful to the good friend who insisted on me following her on a trip, because that’s how I finally managed to break that wall.

    You see, I was raised in an Eastern-European middle-class family. As a child, I often saw my parents saving money for the “black days” of their pension years (the time when one would not earn a salary and could potentially “start starving.”) As a result, I followed the same behavior once I started to make my own money.

    So here’s what I’ve learned: I won’t spend my precious younger years saving everything for my retirement. Saving money is a form of self-care, and something I currently do. However, I know I won’t die with my savings account, and I won’t look back on my life with regrets once I’m older. I invest in myself and in my learning, and I spend part of my money on experiences, making sure I gather more precious memories than material things.

    “You will never regret what you do in life. You will only regret what you don’t do.” ~Wayne Dyer

    4. I do what I love and love what I do. 

    We spend the majority of our lives at work. So if we’re not happy with our jobs, we’re not happy with most of life—another reason some of us start rat racing and hoping for something different.

    Too many people live their precious lives in survival mode, like robots. Frustrated or drained on Monday mornings and looking forward to the weekends so that they can feel alive. When we’re happy with our work, there’s nothing wrong with Monday mornings.

    If you find yourself stuck in a job you don’t like, know that you always have a choice to step outside your comfort zone and work toward something new. It may not be easy to change careers, especially if you have limited education and people depending on you. But it’s possible to do something you believe in, something that brings you genuine joy and fulfillment.

    The key is to work toward that something new while also cultivating joy in your daily life so you don’t fall into the trap of waiting for the future to be happy; and also, to remind yourself that no matter what happens, even if your circumstances are never ideal, you can still be happy.

    “The most important two days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

    5. I stay away from perfection.

    To me, being a rat racer felt exhausting. I didn’t know how to have fun and relax. I was too busy trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly. It was tiring, and it made me feel like I was never good enough or worthy of the best things life had to offer.

    Even when I transitioned into the job of my dreams, I was still unhappy. I kept thinking:

    “The day I get to make that much money a month, I will be happy.”

    “The day I know everything about this job, I will be happy.”

    You see, even people who love what they do can be rat racers, if they are struggling with the need for perfection.

    Today, I aim for progress instead of perfection, and I enjoy each step of my professional journey, celebrating every new lesson and every kind of achievement, no matter how big or small.

    “If you look for perfection, you’ll never feel content.” ~Lev Tolstoi

    6. I mind my own journey. 

    Another thing that keeps us trapped in rat racing is the behavior of comparing ourselves to others—the money we’re making, the status at work, the house we live in, and so on.

    I now know everyone is on their own journey, and each time I dedicate moments of my life comparing, I find myself in someone else’s territory, not mine. It’s like trying to live in their story and life experience instead of my own.

    I’ve come to understand that when I shift my focus and attention from other people to myself, I suddenly have more time and energy to create good things in my own life. So many people complain about not having enough time for themselves. If you want more time for yourself, mind your own business and see what happens.

    “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

    7. I am grateful.

    In the past, I rarely said thank you or counted my blessings. Today, I practice gratitude as a morning ritual. I focus on what I have, rather than on what’s missing.

    I make sure I start every day being thankful for my health; for having a loving family, a wonderful life partner, and a great job I love; for the creativity flow that helps me write such posts and the opportunity to share my insights and experiences with the world; and for the air I breathe and the sun that caresses my face.

    “If the only prayer you ever say is Thank you, that will be enough.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I see every day as a fresh start, a new opportunity for me to taste more of this juicy experience called living. Life is a precious gift and I intend to spend as much of it happy as possible.

    And now, I would like to hear from you. What is your happiness archetype? What makes you truly happy?

  • Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat

    Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat

    “Every moment is a choice to begin again.” ~Unknown

    By day three of the five-day silent retreat I found myself wondering, “Why did I do this again?”

    The pain of sitting in lotus position for eight hours a day was testing my patience. I was frustrated that my mind would only be still for a few moments, before interrupting itself with commentary on the fact that my mind was still, and I wasn’t feeling any spiritual awakening—although not being a particularly “spiritual” person, this wasn’t entirely surprising

    So why had I decided to go on a silent retreat in the first place? I had wanted to experience meditation without distraction and to take my practice to another level.

    Going into the silent retreat, I had worries and questions circling: Will the silence be tedious? What will the other people be like? Are the teachers going to be cult-like leaders? Will I uncover some past trauma buried away deep inside?

    Of course, of the things I worried about, none of them came true. Instead, what I found challenging and what I learned the most from were things that I hadn’t even considered: desire, expectations, and judgment.

    Desire

    If you’ve ever wondered what drives your behavior, you can thank the power of desire for that. And you certainly learn a lot about desire when you’re at a silent retreat.

    Silent retreats are set up so that you never need to verbally communicate, which means that almost every minute of the day is scheduled for you, all your meals are prepared, and all external stimulation is removed. This creates a perfect storm for your desire to run wild, fantasizing about all the things you can’t have or do.

    I never noticed how much I’m driven by desire until I spent a significant portion of the retreat daydreaming about different foods I wanted to eat. By day three I was writing lists of foods I was going to eat when I finally was “free” again.

    I didn’t understand why I felt so compelled to do this until our evening teachings the following night, when I realized it was because I was struggling with desire.

    That night we learned that what we’re often really craving is not the thing that we desire, but the reprieve we feel once we have relieved ourselves from the yearning of desire. This realization actually freed me from my wants, and allowed me to instead laugh at the simplicity of my humanness and my clear love of rice paper rolls.

    It also made me realize that when we’re able to see what’s driving us, we have the space to observe our experience and choose how we respond, rather than being at the mercy of invisible desires. Instead, we’re able to consider what it is we really need, rather than simply what we want in that moment.

    Since the retreat, I’ve been more mindful of when desire is driving me and it’s certainly helped my bank account, particularly when I’m having a moment where I think, “I just need these shoes” without really knowing why I “need them” so much.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with buying shoes, but I’ve been able to see more clearly when my desire to buy shoes is coming from a place of wanting to feel better about myself, when I want to feel like I’m keeping up with others, or when I want other people to think I’m cool.

    I’ve come to realize that while buying shoes might make me feel good in the moment, it isn’t going to build the foundations of lasting self-confidence.

    Instead, I now find it much easier to pause and acknowledge, “Aha, this is just desire” and recognize that really, I have enough and I don’t need things to be enough.

    Expectations

    I’ve always known that having really set expectations can cause all sorts of problems, but the experience of the silent retreat cemented this for me.

    My biggest problem was that I expected my meditation practice to somehow transform itself into something other than what it currently was. Of course, setting this expectation didn’t mean that my meditation practice changed at all; instead, it just left me feeling frustrated that I wasn’t experiencing something different. Ironically, meditation is all about experiencing whatever arises in that moment.

    I didn’t even know what it was that I expecting to change. But I learned that when we’re searching for something, we’re blinded by the act of searching, and we miss the subtle changes that are unfolding before us. It’s often not until we let go of what we think should be changing that we can really notice and appreciate what has changed.

    I also came to realize that expectations can really cause a lot of suffering. Now, looking back, I recognize that my expectations took me away from the beautiful sounds of the Balinese jungle, from the stillness that was there, and the joy of simply being.

    When I let go of my expectations, not only did I start enjoying meditation more, I realized how powerful it could be to let go of expectations.

    Despite having this realization, I’m still constantly surprised at how often my expectations get in the way of me being able to live peacefully. I often find myself expecting friends to behave in certain ways, and when they don’t, I feel deeply disappointed. But really, there’s no reason for me to expect them to behave differently, as they are simply engaging in the same behaviors that they have over the past fifteen years.

    What I’ve taken from this is that the solution isn’t to disregard expectations, but to be mindful that your expectations aren’t too far removed from reality. I’ve found looking at the facts of a situation helpful in managing my expectations and instead, delighting in the unexpected.

    Judgment

    No matter how much we try not to be, we’re naturally judgmental. And I know this cannot be changed, but what I really noticed on retreat was the effect it had on my mind and my body, and how different my experience could be if I practiced letting go of judgment.

    One evening I found myself really judging another girl for using social media while at the retreat. We had been asked to not make any contact with the outside world, and this of course included no use of social media.

    At the time, I assumed that her use of social suggested that she wasn’t taking the retreat seriously. As these judgments raced through my mind, I noticed how much my body tensed up, how irritated I felt, and I could almost feel my mind narrowing as I focused on how their behavior was “wrong.”

    Yet, when I opened myself up and tried to accept her behavior, I was freed from my own prison of judgment. When I allowed myself to be curious rather then judgmental, the experience transformed for me.

    Instead of feeling irritated by her and closed off, I instead felt open and compassionate, and frankly just a lot less bothered by her. Being open and curious allowed me to move on and let go, relieving the discomfort of being judgmental.

    It certainly wasn’t an easy thing to do, and I had to remind myself time and time again to keep opening, but the felt difference between the two was unbelievable. It was actually much more physically and emotionally pleasant being non-judgmental than being judgmental.

    I really noticed this for myself when I was back in New York, sitting in a Broadway show. I caught myself totally distracted by the judgmental commentary happening in my head. It was the same old story, comparing my body to those of the performers, and my poor old thighs were the victims of my self-criticism yet again.

    When I noticed how deeply I was caught up in worrying about the size of my thighs, I decided it was a good moment to practice what I had learned on retreat. I started saying to myself over and over, “Let go, be present.”

    It was such a relief to allow myself to let go of judgment, and instead I was open to connect with feelings of joy as I started clapping along to the songs with the rest of the crowd. Not only this, letting go of the judgment allowed me to be more accepting and compassionate towards myself.

    So all in all, while my meditation practice didn’t change as I expected it to, I certainly learned a lot on the silent retreat and took a lot away with me, all which was delightfully unexpected.

    My three takeaways were that:

    1. Desire is just a creation of our mind that we don’t need to follow. In fact, just acknowledging it can relieve us from the power of our desire.

    2. Letting go of expectations allows us to be present and enjoy what is already here.

    3. Being open and curious frees us from judgment, allowing us to be accepting and compassionate toward others, and ourselves.

  • Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated

    Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated

    “What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” ~Unknown

    I grew up with difficult and hurtful parents who spoke critically, with the intent to demean.

    Each word of sarcasm, each thinly veiled joke or put-down undercut my self-esteem. Each knocked me down a rung in life and kept me from my potential.

    Rampant comparisons to other Indian kids succeeding academically, attacks of my mediocre performance at school, and harsh language were my mother’s weapons of choice.

    When someone attacks your self-esteem repeatedly, you feel beat down. It feels like you were meant to fly, but your own family is making you drown.

    Then, your natural tendency might be to do to others what someone has done to you.

    My tendencies were to judge and compare others in my mind, to taunt and verbally attack them. It was fitting then, I guess, that my career path led me to becoming a lawyer, now an ex-lawyer.

    As I got into the habits of sabotaging and hurting others, I never thought much about it. I just assumed that because my parents had talked to me harshly and treated me badly, I had the license to do the same to others.

    Others could handle the pain because I had. Others could endure a verbal lashing because I had. Others could handle emotional abuse because I had.

    You, too, might have grown up in a household that wounded you deeply. You might have never been able to leave the shadow of the pain and suffering you experienced. And you might have learned to treat people as others once treated you.

    I’ve come to believe that just because others hurt us, that doesn’t mean we have to continue the cycle of abuse.

    You don’t have to fall into your natural, default behaviors. You can change. You can choose different actions and make different decisions. You can break the cycle of negativity, criticism, and abuse.

    Here are six steps to heal the pain you felt and end the cycle of hurt.

    1. Work on forgiving those who hurt you.

    This may be much more easily said than done, but forgiveness is the key to healing. If you can’t forgive today, at least set the intention to forgive. It doesn’t matter how tragic or traumatic your past was; you must forgive for yourself. You’ll feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You will be able to breathe much more easily.

    It helps to put your abuser’s behavior in perspective so you can see their actions in a different light.

    Try to understand what influenced their behaviors and characteristics. For example, with my parents, they were likely raised in a similar way. Also, culturally, parents in Asia tend to be direct and hold you to high standards because they want you to succeed in life. Their intentions may have been ultimately good, but the way they went about parenting was misguided.

    Look at them through a lens of gratefulness. What could you appreciate about them, in spite of the pain they caused? Is there anything you can appreciate about the pain? I owe my sense of compassion, which is the foundation of my work, to my parents. Because of how I was hurt growing up, I now do work that reduces suffering and helps people find peace.

    Look at them through a perspective of love. If you saw them through a loving prism, how would you explain their actions and behavior?

    2. Work on your own healing.

    Instead of burning in anger and hatred, focus on what you need for your emotional and mental health.

    Assess the damage they’ve caused, look at the impact their behavior has had on your life, and determine what you must heal.

    Visit a counselor if necessary. Find coping mechanisms. Write about your hurt. Open yourself to a spiritual practice. Seek the tools that can help you heal your emotional wounds.

    Cultivate love for yourself. Speak to yourself gently. Let go of your high demands and expectations of yourself. Notice if how you treat yourself is similar to how the people who hurt you in the past treated you.

    3. Look for alternative role models.

    Watch your behavior and notice what you do when others hurt or anger you. How do you react when others push your buttons?

    If you don’t know how to respond or react differently from the people who raised you, look for alternative role models. Seek people with positive and emotionally healthy ways of responding to personal situations.
    Study them. Take notes. Notice how they handle trying circumstances. Model their behavior in your own interpersonal relationships.

    4. Learn positive and empowering behavior.

    If you were taught destructive and dysfunctional ways of being and speaking, opt for alternative ways. Hold back on hurtful words, convey your needs with softer language, and respect other people’s boundaries. Practice listening intently instead of responding rashly to what others say to you.

    Recently, someone told me that I couldn’t park my car in a particular part of a lot and had to park much further back and walk. The area I had parked in was for the vendors of the event I was attending.

    My first reaction was to fight back, use the parking lot rules against them, ask for the manager, and make a big scene about how unjust it was for me to have to move my car a couple blocks away where there was clearly space right there.

    Then I noticed the person was wearing a volunteer badge and had an overwhelmed expression on his face. I opted not to do what my defacto behavior was and instead chose understanding. I tried to see that he was doing the best he could and was just looking out for the vendors, who were critical to a successful event.

    Even if this person was wrong and even if it was unfair, I could still make his day a little less stressful and more pleasant. I could avoid arguing, making a scene, or verbally attacking someone who was trying their best to serve others.

    5. Focus on your reactions instead of the behavior of others.

    You can’t control others’ reactions, but you can learn to notice, change, and improve your own.

    Look for triggers and other behavior that provokes you. Notice your immediate reaction when people treat you badly, disrespect you, or lash out against you.

    Instead of immediately engaging with this behavior, withdraw, reflect, analyze, and take a thoughtful next step.

    This is what I had to do when I was talking to a woman I had recently met, who was not a fan of the type of writing I do.

    I found her remarks dismissive and non-supportive, and felt like lashing out. I wanted to attack her in some way or put down some part of her life that she valued, but after several days and after much calming down, I focused on my reaction. I let the anger simmer, re-evaluated her simple preference for fiction writing, and came to the conclusion that different people have different reading preferences.

    I was still hurt and told her so without demeaning or attacking her in return. I was able to communicate that I was hurt, which she apologized for, without hurting her. A win!

    6. Spread your light.

    Remind yourself that even if you grew up with challenging people and the darkness of human behavior, you get to choose how you treat others and show up in the world.

    You can operate by the default of hurting others—or, worse, seek revenge—and mimic the harmful and negative habits you witnessed growing up, or you can actively take different steps and make different choices.

    You can bring yourself out of the darkness of bad behavior, cruelty, abuse, and negligent child rearing. You can go out in the world choosing love and spreading your light of compassion and understanding.

    You can be the conduit who transforms pain into healing, not only for yourself but for everyone around you. You can show others who are hurting that forgiveness, understanding, love, and compassion are possible even after you’ve been hurt. And in doing so, you can help make the world a less hurtful place.

  • How to Maintain a Sense of Peace No Matter What Life Throws At You

    How to Maintain a Sense of Peace No Matter What Life Throws At You

    “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” ~Unknown

    Do you ever feel like your life is a rollercoaster?

    One second, you’re on top of the world. The next, you’re down in the dumps.

    For me, this feeling of going up and down began back in high school.

    Before then, everything in life seemed like a test run. Sure, there were exams, extracurricular activities, and the usual social pressures. But now that university was only a few years away, things suddenly turned serious.

    “These are the most important years of your life,” people would say. “Make the best use of them.”

    And so, every single thing, no matter how big or small, seemed to have an amplified effect. If I didn’t do something right, my life was over. But if I did achieve a step in the right direction, my life was set.

    When I applied for a leadership position that I thought was a good fit, I convinced myself that I absolutely had to get it. I read the leadership responsibilities diligently, practiced the same speech over and over, and thought about what I would do when I got the position.

    The result? I didn’t get it. My life, as I knew it, was over.

    Fast-forward a few years to university: I had decided by this time that I wanted to go to business school. My friends and I would talk about the application process and how to improve our chances of acceptance. With bated breath, I finalized my application and submitted it.

    The result? I was accepted. Since the school had strong internship and job prospects, my life was set.

    While I had fun, school was also incredibly stressful. Classmates and I would beam with excitement when we were invited to interviews, only to be disheartened a few days later when an offer didn’t come.

    Later, I received an offer to work in a role that seemed perfect for what I was looking for. I was elated.

    As you can probably guess by now, that feeling didn’t last.

    It began to feel like no matter what I did or how much effort I put in, life was never a smooth path. Seemingly promising opportunities would lead me to obstacles in the way. Even when I did get something I wanted, it would lead to another stressful problem that needed solving. And so on it went.

    After dealing with these emotions and thoughts for years, I felt exhausted. It felt as if there was no end to the tunnel. No point in time when I could just put down everything, sit, and enjoy the scenery for a while.

    Eventually, I figured that it wasn’t simply the swirl of events surrounding me that caused my ups and downs. It was my perspective. I consistently attached myself to specific outcomes, as if my life depended on them, and felt devastated when things didn’t work out.

    Sure, some of the things I experienced could easily make anyone feel the same way. Had I taken a different view, however, I wouldn’t have constantly psyched myself up and created these unhealthy emotions.

    When I look back at what I thought were huge victories and setbacks at the time, they seem insignificant now. My life wasn’t over, as I believed it to be, nor was it set in stone. And truthfully, I wouldn’t want either.

    I learned that no matter what happens, life goes on. Celebrations and challenges are a part of everyone’s life, not the be-all and end-all. With practice, I’ve started incorporating a sense of peace into my life by using some practices that anyone can apply.

    4 Practices to Help You Maintain Peace and Perspective

    1. Expect twists and turns.

    Recently, I went on a long-awaited vacation. Soon after landing, I stepped off the plane relieved and excited to begin my holiday.

    Unfortunately, my new luggage case arrived less than intact.

    “Why me?” I thought. This was the first time in years that I had used the airport check-in, and my luggage was the only one that was damaged.

    I realized then that I had two choices: I could let this ruin my vacation, or I could enjoy my holiday regardless.

    I admit, I did grumble about it initially. But later I took the contents out and put the case out of view so that I wouldn’t spend my holiday thinking about it.

    Unexpected events happen to everyone. It’s important to acknowledge them as a part of life and plan for them when possible. Even though I felt upset about possibly tossing out my new favorite luggage, I reminded myself how fortunate I was that I got to use it in the first place.

    Thankfully, the airline ended up offering to get my luggage case repaired.

    I realize some twists and turns are more emotionally trying than damaged luggage, and far more difficult to accept. But if we learn to expect the unexpected, we’ll spend less time resisting life’s inevitable curveballs and more time proactively dealing with them.

    2. Look at the big picture.

    Painful events and experiences happen to everyone. Sometimes, they’re so painful that it feels like nothing will ever take away the feeling of sorrow or hurt. But everything heals in time, and sometimes good can come from even the most traumatic situations.

    A few years ago, a relative of mine lost her husband to cancer. It was devastating for everyone, especially for her family. At the time, it felt almost unimaginable that someone so close and well loved could leave so soon.

    While he is still missed and thought of every day, good things have happened since then:

    • A marriage and the addition of a new family member
    • A stronger bond between the family
    • The realization that it’s crucial to laugh and enjoy life while we can

    So no matter how terrible something feels at the time, know that you have the strength to get through it. There will be many moments in the future, both blissful and difficult. And if you can survive one painful experience, you can survive the next one.

    It also helps to remember that some of life’s greatest challenges end up being our greatest teachers. You may not be able to control what happens, but you can decide what lessons you choose to learn from them.

    3. Practice self-care.

    When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?

    Most of us spend our time running errands or doing work for other people, but rarely do we pause and enjoy a moment simply for the sake of it.

    By constantly putting ourselves in stressful situations, we end up damaging our health in the long run.

    Make time for yourself. Sit and listen to your favorite music, pursue your hobby, or meditate. Some of my favorite ways to de-stress include taking a walk outside and curling up with a good book.

    When you take care of yourself, you feel more centered, more peaceful, and better able to handle whatever life throws at you.

    We all need time for ourselves to relax and reflect on our day. Besides, I’ve found that taking breaks helps me to approach tasks with greater clarity and calmness than working all the time.

    4. Practice patience.

    Sometimes it feels like life is a constantly unraveling story. The only problem is, we want to jump straight to the end and see what happens.

    For instance, sometimes I think to myself: In five years, will I still be in the same place that I’m in right now? If I choose to spend time working on this endeavor, will it eventually give me the results I want? Will the person I just messaged reply back?

    We feel anxious when something in our life is unresolved—an “open loop,” they call it. It makes our heart rate go up and creates tension within ourselves, both of which are unhealthy.

    It’s been difficult, but I’ve been trying to be more patient. To do this, I direct my thoughts and attention to things that are productive, such as focusing on the actions rather than the result.

    When I’m patient, it becomes easier to deal with both celebrations and setbacks. Knowing that sometimes only time can resolve a situation gives me the ability to let go and be present. And it’s always easier to be peaceful when you’re living in the moment.

    Feel At Peace With a Change in Mindset

    We all experience disappointments and serendipitous moments. But if you’re exhausted from constantly reacting to the ups and downs in your life, it’s time to step back and reflect on how you respond to things.

    Inner peace comes from appreciating life, with all its quirks and bumps. It’s about doing what you can, knowing that sometimes the path you choose will take unexpected turns.

    The process of growing and learning can be challenging. It can be downright scary. But if you manage to weather the storms that come your way, you’ll come out stronger than before.

  • 3 Steps to Rocket Your Creative Dreams into the Stratosphere

    3 Steps to Rocket Your Creative Dreams into the Stratosphere

    “Do your art every day, no matter how crappy your day is.” ~Ksenia Anske

    I was definitely the weird kid. The boy who played with invisible friends out there on the playground during recess. I had what you might call “a rich inner life.”

    I guess that’s expected when you’re in grade school. All cool. But as I got older the world began to get unkind. Like the day I realized the stories in my head weren’t really real. Or when that jock guy called me an “art fag” in front of everybody. Or when all the girls said I was weird.

    By junior high I did my best to hide my creative heart. It was far too vulnerable. So guess what. I was never really seen. Not in the hallways or the classrooms or the cafeteria. Not at home. Not anywhere. It was just too f’ing scary.

    During my college years I finally began to crawl out of my shell. It was always a struggle. I often dealt with it through poetry or lyrics to songs I was writing.

    Uptown

    by Electron Love Theory

    I go uptown, ‘cause there’s a fire in my head

    I do downtown, ‘cause there’s no one in my bed

    I go around town to try to find a friend

    I go inbound because I must defend myself

    Eventually I connected with plenty of other creative types—secret poets, guitar gods, heavenly painters, misfit photographers. I learned to embrace my weirdness. My creative flow. The strange and beautiful words, images, and music that poured from my soul. Over time I became less afraid. I practiced my crafts and began to shine my heart in the world.

    It took years and years of bloody battles (which still occasionally surface) before I could fully be who I knew I was. An artist. A musician. A writer. A filmmaker. A healer. A teacher.

    Since then I’ve won a major award for my music. I made a film about a wise and magical barista that got picked up for international distribution. Had nearly a million spins of my music on Pandora. Shot a zillion photos. Taught college students to rock. Practiced NLP. And wrote a book about how to get your creative dreams off the ground.

    Even with this considerable success my fragile heart has been battered with plenty of pain, loss, and disappointment along the way. I’ve bloodied my head from banging against a whole lot of walls (both real and imagined). Many times I’ve sweated oceans of effort without money or recognition as compensation. And that’s okay.

    I want to share what I’ve learned with you. Because through my own self-expression I’ve learned more and more about who I am. I’ve freed worlds of pain. I’ve healed shadow parts. These are the real successes.

    I know, without a doubt, that your creativity is a beacon of truth and healing. It needs to be known. It takes courage, but it’s worth it.

    Ready for the first few steps? Hell yeah!

    Step 1: Declare Your Dream

    It’s easy to spend half the day in your head. It’s kind of the default. Unless you’re really engaged in something, we tend to think. And that thinking tends to be in circles. You know what I’m talking about.

    When you’re contemplating your dream—whether it’s taking a watercolor class, building a sculpture out of gumdrops, or busting out a short film script about a vampire who loves disco dancing—it has a much better chance of making it to reality if you announce it loud and clear to your people.

    If your people are solid, they will get behind you. They will support you. They will want you to succeed. But the fact is that not everybody in the world is in the space to give you what you need. They may be lost in their own nonsense, negativity, or self-doubt. So choose your people carefully.

    What should you declare? Whatever it is, it needs to have these components.

    What exactly you’re going to do

    State your vision as clearly as possible. Make sure it’s under your control. It’s well within your control to write a movie script about a dancing vampire. It’s not in your control to sell it to Steven Speilberg. (Although it is in your control to try!)

    Why you’re going to do it

    There are always reasons why we do things. Check in to make sure you’re doing your thing for a reason that matters to you.

    Maybe you’re writing about the vampire because music and dancing saved your life (and you identify as goth). Expressing that gratitude is a big deal. Even if it’s in the form of a cheesy youtube video.

    When you’ll do it and when it’ll be done

    Important! Without a deadline your goal will quickly fall down the to-do list. So make a deadline. Better yet, make several short-term, smaller deadlines. Like having the script outline done in a month. The first draft done a month after that. And the final draft done by your birthday. So you can go out dancing to celebrate (while wearing fangs).

    How your people will know that it happened

    It is not your person or gang’s problem to reach out to you to find out if you did what you said you were going to do. It is your responsibility. This is key.

    You could announce your progress via email every Friday at 5:00. Or Sunday night. Or on the specific deadline dates. Just ask your pals to be receptive and to give you a thumbs up on your milestones. Or maybe they want to give you gold stars. Or buy you lattes.

    Declare your dream. Become accountable. Not just to yourself, but to the people who love you and want you to succeed.

    Step 2: Start Before You’re Ready

    Is anyone really ready? Hell no. I’m certainly not.

    Seven years ago I somehow landed a gig teaching college students to write songs. I don’t read music. I barely know theory. And although it’s true that I have tons of third party cred that I’m a pretty kick ass songwriter, I was freaked out and intimated by the job. But I put on my big boy pants, started sweating bullets, and walked in there that first day like I was king of the studio.

    There were some pretty huge missteps but soon enough I got a clue. Since then one of my students has won a national songwriting award. Another sang backup on a hit song. After struggling for weeks, one guy who was previously frozen with fear had a major breakthrough. He turned to me and said, “I finally remember why I love music so much.”

    We need to find the moxie to start before we’re ready. It’s good for us. And perhaps it’s even better for the people who we touch. The ones we empower with our creations. With our example of courage.

    Be bold. Start now. Before you’re ready.

    Step 3: Say “Yes, and ______.”

    Ever get the feeling that life is a bit like improv comedy? I do. Maybe it’s because I took an improv comedy class. (I wasn’t ready for this either;)

    One of the main tenets of improv comedy is to say “Yes, and ____.”

    This simply means that you need to accept reality—whether you like it or not— and then add something of value to the story.

    In an improv exercise the reality might be that we’re all waiting for the bus and it starts raining hundred dollar bills. Or the doctor comes in wearing a Homer Simpson costume. Or your lover suddenly grows six arms.

    Whatever it is, you just kind of have to deal with it. Then take the story somewhere. It’s fun. It’s an interactive game. It forces you to think fast.

    Life is improv. Sometimes it’s comedy. Sometimes it’s tragedy. But it’s always improv in one way or another.

    Accept whatever the world hands you. Then figure out how to add something interesting, funny, powerful, or helpful to it. Your life will open up. Guaranteed.

    Example:

    “Hey, friend. You’re not gonna believe this but my iPhone takes pretty good pictures.”

    “Cool! Wanna write lines of poetry on cardboard signs, ask strangers on the street to hold them up, and take photos of the whole thing?”

    It’s that easy. Say “Yes, and ____.”

    The Sweet and Tasty Wrap up

    These are simple ideas. But if you step up and into them, they’ll also become delicious. Although it may take a while to get to the good part. Like a tootsie pop.

    Yeah, it takes work, courage, and conviction. Of course it’s going to get challenging. I hope so, anyway. If you don’t feel like quitting once in awhile you probably haven’t picked a goal that’s worth doing.

    But please, please, please step into your creative dream. Whatever it is for you. It’s worth the effort.

    Expressing your truth frees your soul. Opens your heart. And heals your life. Whether it’s through story, images, performance or anything else, creativity is simply not a luxury item. It’s part of what makes us human. And part of what connects us to each other in joy, sorrow, pain and love.

    What have you started before you were ready?

    How has creativity healed you?

    What are you going to say “Yes, and ____” to?

  • What to Do When Your Need to Please Is Ruining Your Life

    What to Do When Your Need to Please Is Ruining Your Life

    “We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation.” ~Theodore Bagwell

    Have you ever thought you had to do what other people said or they wouldn’t love you?

    Have you felt selfish for wanting to put your needs first, or guilty for setting limits with the people you care about?

    Have you learned that even when you’ve complied with everyone’s wishes and whims they still weren’t happy, and you weren’t either?

    Welcome to the deception of people-pleasing. Welcome to the story of my life.

    There is no tragedy greater than being alive but not feeling it because you’re numb, aloof, and emotionless. For many years I lived that way, showing all the signs of being alive but never truly living. That’s because I felt a strong desire to give all of myself in order to pay back the world for everything I’d been given.

    You see, I had the American Dream. I was granted many blessings, and by all accounts, I should have been happy. But I didn’t feel a thing—especially not happiness.

    It took me a while to identify the missing piece that kept me from truly experiencing my life: I wasn’t living as the person I really wanted to be. I was living my life to please others, make them happy, and follow society’s rules.

    I thought I was doing the right thing; I truly believed, “Eventually, all this selfless work will bring me the happiness I deserve on a silver platter.” But it never really worked out that way. It seemed the more I did, the less fulfilled I felt.

    My early life experiences shaped me into a people-pleaser. Though I was grateful for everything I was given, I was also aware that I’d been born into difficult family circumstances. Pleasing others was my way of coping with it.

    Like most young children, all I wanted was to gain my parents’ attention and approval. But praise was a scarce resource in my household, and both of my parents readily doled out criticism. I quickly become aware of how my actions affected them, so I acted in approval-seeking ways and suppressed my feelings in order to avoid punishment.

    I didn’t want to be criticized or berated in front of others, so I became the child, teenager, and adult of my parents’ dreams. They still found fault at times—which crushed me—but I ultimately did everything I could to make it up to them.

    This trap I had fallen into got deeper when my parents divorced. I tried to appease both of them by sticking myself in the middle of their marital battle and protecting my siblings from having to bear the brunt of their anger. I became my parents’ mediator, and this form of communication spiraled me into a deep depression that no one knew about but me.

    I lost a lot of weight, my grades dropped in school, and I no longer found any pleasure in activities I once enjoyed. But with a brave face, I trudged along and dealt with it so that my siblings wouldn’t have to. I convinced myself that this was my way of fulfilling my duty as a daughter and avoiding criticism.

    Growing up in these circumstances led me to believe I was responsible for how others felt. I learned to shape my personality, behaviors, and reactions according to what other people wanted or needed from me instead of being authentic to how I truly felt.

    Because of my parents’ often extreme reactions to situations, I came to believe that I needed to change; but the truth is, their reactivity was their responsibility.

    You see, we tend to call people who display this pattern of behavior people-pleasers, doormats, or approval-seekers. We describe them as being selfless. People-pleasers rarely say no, are super responsible, spend most their time doing for others, and are viewed as the nicest kinds of people.

    On the surface, it can seem like being a people-pleaser is the right thing to do; but over time, this identity wears a person down, and all that pleasing turns into an unhealthy pattern of behavior that doesn’t actually end up pleasing anyone in the long run.

    Your Identity

    I used to identify myself as being a good, nice, and selfless person who was always accommodating others.

    When I self-identified as having certain personality attributes, it dictated my actions and led me to believe I needed to act in certain ways to match society’s standard of how a good and nice person behaves.

    Even when my actions weren’t aligned with how I truly wanted to live my life, I found myself complying anyway. I worked hard to avoid looking selfish, unaccommodating, or disagreeable, and I avoided confrontation at all costs.

    I stopped this pattern when I came to realize that being a good person is a lot more complex than just accommodating the needs of others all of the time.

    When I realized that constantly giving in wasn’t as loving as I thought it was, and that the way I was acting didn’t come from a loving place at all but from a place of guilt and inadequacy, that’s when I decided to go from people-pleasing to living life on my own terms.

    That’s when I started to evolve from selfless to self-full. That’s when I deconstructed my identity as a people-pleaser and restructured my life. That’s when I decided that living my own life was more important than my parents’ approval of me.

    If the need to please has been running your life, here are some ideas to support your shift from selfless to self-full.

    1. Understand that other people are responsible for themselves.

    Being a people-pleaser allowed me to overlook one important fact: other people are responsible for themselves and their own problems.

    Somewhere down the road I decided that other people’s problems were my problems. I believed it was my responsibility to make other people feel better. For as long as I can remember, I played the caretaker role in my life; but all it got me was a burdening sense of obligation and crippling anxiety.

    It’s important for you to remember that you aren’t responsible for how others feel or act. If you try to please people because you’re scared of their reactions, that’s a sign that you need to start making a change.

    You see, when you take on other people’s responsibilities, you’re allowing them to continue acting irresponsibly; you’re permitting and promoting their unhealthy patterns.

    The next time you’re inclined to take on someone else’s stuff, ask yourself, Does taking on this person’s responsibilities really make me a good person? Is it actually kind to keep people from taking ownership of their own lives?

    You’re likely to find that the answer is no, and then you can explore how to be supportive without taking over completely.

    2. Stop trying to keep the peace.

    I often used to wonder why I was surrounded by selfish people; from my perspective, everyone else was the problem. But on my journey to self-fullness I realized that they weren’t the problem; I was.

    By trying to keep the peace in my relationships, I was overlooking the ways in which other people were taking advantage of me. I ignored their twisted priorities because I thought I should play nice all the time.

    It’s important to keep in mind that sometimes the better, more loving choice is the more uncomfortable, anxiety provoking one. Truly loving behavior calls for limits, boundaries, and saying no every once in a while.

    Some people will get upset with you or throw a tantrum like a two-year-old, but the cost of ignoring your boundaries is much greater than that. So stop thinking that keeping the peace is better for your relationships. The truth is it’s much better to be honest and upfront.

    3. Know the consequences of seeking approval.

    Living your life through fear of criticism and rejection doesn’t allow you to truly live at all. Constantly censoring yourself doesn’t allow you to see the freedom of choice that you really have. When you’re seeking approval all the time, you aren’t really growing.

    My approval-seeking behavior stemmed from a belief that my mental health depended on my being liked; if people didn’t like me, I didn’t feel worthy. The consequence of this was that my value as a person was totally dependent on what other people thought of me. Any criticism made me feel terrible about myself, so I avoided it by acting in ways that would gain others’ approval.

    I finally broke this pattern by placing more value on seeking approval from myself. By figuring out who I was and what I valued, I was able to create a stronger sense of self. When you know who you are and accept yourself, other people’s criticism doesn’t bother you too much at all.

    4. Become self-full.

    If you’re caught up in the people-pleasing cycle, you probably think it’s selfish to consider your needs first. Once you shift your idea of what it means to be a good person, like I did, you’ll see it isn’t selfish—but rather self-full–to put yourself first.

    Much of my desire to change came from realizing that if I didn’t start valuing myself, my relationships would suffer. Although it might seem counterintuitive, prioritizing your needs and gaining a strong sense of self is actually better for other people, because it serves to strengthen the relationships you have with them.

    It’s for this reason that placing your needs first is self-full rather than selfish. It’s about seeing your value and knowing your worth as a person. When you do this, others can start seeing your value also, and your relationships can start to transform.

    Final Thoughts

    The journey to self-fullness is all about trial and error. It’s about making mistakes, changing your behaviors, and asserting your own decisions.

    I started to feel happy and truly alive when I started to get to know myself, learning when to say no and when to set limits in my relationships. It wasn’t easy. I had to get used to some criticism and disappointment; I had to grow a stronger backbone. However, I can say without hesitation that it was worth it. And I know it will be worth it for you, too.

    Your life should be lived the way you want to live it. No one should have the power over you to dictate how you need to live your life. The more you get to know who you are, and the more boldly you begin to live life on your terms, the better you’ll feel about yourself.

    I no longer make decisions out of fear or wind up washed over with resentment. Now I do things for people because I want to, not because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t. I no longer need other people to make me feel worthy; I give that sense of worthiness to myself by knowing and accepting who I am.

    It will serve you greatly to let go of the idea that people need saving and it’s your responsibility to do it. Somewhere down the road, you internalized the message that you have to be responsible for how others feel. But the truth is, you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings but your own.

    You can’t live a healthy, happy life if you’re too busy managing your feelings and other people’s feelings at the same time. Remember, people can take care of themselves. That idea will leave room for you to take care of yourself, too.

  • Finding a New Path When You’re Attached to the Old and Scared of Failing

    Finding a New Path When You’re Attached to the Old and Scared of Failing

    “All endings are just beginnings. We just don’t know it yet.” ~Mitch Albom

    The difficulty of finding, let alone staying on a path was brought to mind recently when I got lost in a maze at a children’s amusement park. Seriously lost.

    In the end I scrambled under the maze to get out. I didn’t like the feeling of hitting up against walls, turning and trying, and then finding another wall blocking my path. Mazes are designed to confuse, and together with the summer heat, I’d had enough.

    As I came out from under the fence, someone jokingly called out “Cheater!” and they were correct. In that moment I wasn’t sticking at it.

    It made me think, isn’t this sometimes the label we give ourselves when we’re on a path that isn’t right or isn’t working, and we’re considering quitting? Or we want to take a shortcut, grasp an unexpected opportunity, or take a different path from our predecessors?

    It can be helpful to have a sense of direction. Not having a plan for what we want in life can result in low motivation and a sense of purposelessness. For many people it can be very stressful due to the societal pressure to have a plan for your life.

    Sometimes I’m surprised at how early this pressure arises. Some young people I work with in my clinic feel pressure to decide what path to take at ages thirteen and fourteen. They share their concerns about every single grade they receive and their fear that if they’re not good enough they’ll have no future and a bad job.

    Some might think that these young people are showing signs of being driven or highly motivated. From my perspective, it can make life quite narrow to live with so much anxiety and pressure about getting things right. Living in constant fear of a misstep is no way to live. After all, life is full of missteps.

    Other people feel overwhelmed about which path to choose. They ask, “What if I choose the wrong path? What if I make a mistake? What if when I actually choose something, I don’t like it? What if I’m no good at it?” 

    Some others will say, “I know what I don’t want to do, I just don’t know what I want to do.” Sometimes this leads to an almost paralyzed “I don’t know what I want to do” position.

    In times gone by, people often finished school, got a job, and stayed in that career or job for life. However, modern life is not like this.

    Changing economic and market conditions mean people are required to be more flexible and change employment type over the course of their life. So, in some ways, it seems futile for people to feel pigeonholed into making one choice, as it’s likely there will be many choices down the road.

    When I talk with people who are struggling to choose or find a path, I often share my own story about how I became a clinical psychologist. My story is a classic example of how making a choice that’s not a good fit for you isn’t the end of the world. Often, like in my story, it can lead to an even better outcome.

    During my high school years I fell in love with singing and drama, so I hatched a plan to take up musical theatre as a career.

    The first sign that this probably wasn’t going to work out was when I didn’t get a place in my first choice of study. However, I chose to ignore this sign and, remaining hopeful, took up a position in a classical music program, even though I didn’t want to be an opera singer.

    As the year wore on it became clear to me that this was not for me. Studying music at school had been fun, but studying music full time and mixing only with other music students was stifling and even boring.

    A meeting with the dean mid-year, regarding my failure to progress at the level the program required, made the future clear. I saw the year out, but I knew I would only ever be an average music student. After spending a year around people who were more suited to it, I knew I had neither the talent nor the high levels of extraversion needed to succeed in a performance career.

    It was kind of embarrassing. It was my first experience of failure. It was also an opportunity.

    That part of me that was itching to learn more about the world, about people, about life outside of the narrow world of classical music, was set free. But what to choose? I’d spent years honing my musical ability and not considering doing anything else.

    Fortunately for me, doing what didn’t fit had helped me to define what might. So I chose something that would expand my knowledge and ideas and that would help me serve others.

    One of the things that had bothered me about classical music study is that it didn’t seem to contribute or benefit others much. I chose a general psychology degree based on the fact that I wanted to know more about people, and away I went.

    Instantly the fit was better. I felt engaged, stimulated, motivated to attend, and alive. These were good signs that I was on the right path.

    I share this story with people who are having difficulty making a choice because it incorporates two core areas that keep people stuck when finding or changing their path—fear of failure and letting go of past ideals.

    Dealing with the Fear of Failure

    Underpinning the struggle that many of us have with finding or changing a path is the fear of failure. If you don’t choose, you can’t fail. Conversely, if you don’t choose you cannot succeed either. How do we move past the fear of failure?

    1. Acknowledge that it’s normal to feel anxious about making a choice.

    Having some anxiety about your choice does not make it wrong. There is little certainty in any path, so there is unlikely to be a time where you will feel completely at ease with your decision.

    2. Practice managing your anxiety with breathing, mindfulness, and helpful self-talk.

    Deep breathing is key to managing physical anxiety symptoms, as it calms the nervous system.

    Mindfulness teaches us that we only have this moment and that it’s futile to try to control the future.

    Helpful self-talk helps ease anxiety by reducing the impact of negative predictions. For example: “If you failed this, you’ll fail everything” could be changed to “Many successful people have changed their path or experienced failures, so it doesn’t mean I will fail.”

    3. Look for stories of successful people who had missteps or changed their path.

    Reading about people who made a career change can lessen the hold of negative predictive thoughts and old beliefs about failure.

    Letting Go of Past Ideals

    The difficulty with changing your path can also be associated with investment in your old one.

    You may have put a lot of effort into achieving the goal at the end of that path. You may have told a lot of people about it. You may even be a little or a lot in love with the idea of reaching that goal.

    When you need to or have to change your path, it can involve a sense of loss. Your mind may tell you it’s all been a waste of time. To handle these difficulties:

    1. Let go of the goal by acknowledging your sense of loss and practicing acceptance.

    It’s normal to feel sad about letting go of a past. Acknowledge those feelings without sinking in them and getting stuck. Notice the feelings and let them pass.

    2. Address and challenge self-critical thoughts.

    If you experience self-critical thoughts about trying for your goal such as “Who are you to even think you could have that?” you may benefit from changing it to something more helpful, such as “I did my best but it wasn’t for me. I will find something for me” or the simple “I could never know if I didn’t try.”

    3. Focus on the positive of the current path.

    As much as you can, be in the present moment. Cultivate that skill through mindfulness practice.

    4. Address concerns about futility.

    Know that the time spent on your old path wasn’t pointless. You most likely gained skills and insights from your journey so far that will help you either now or in the future.

    For example, my knowledge of the performing arts has helped me more times than I count as a clinical psychologist. It helps me relate to clients who are musicians or that work or study in that area, and it helps me relate to performance anxiety.

    Life can be more rewarding when you’re on a path. In fact, many people say that the journey can be more satisfying than the final outcome. With these strategies, you can avoid becoming paralyzed by the common blocks that prevent people moving forward and experiencing life fully. Allow yourself to live life to the full by taking a path knowing that you can change it if you need to.

  • Happiness Is an Inside Job

    Happiness Is an Inside Job

  • Overcoming the Fear That Stands Between You and Your Dreams

    Overcoming the Fear That Stands Between You and Your Dreams

    “A few rare individuals refuse to have limited lives. They drive through tremendous amounts of pain—from rejections and failures to shorter moments of embarrassment and anxiety. Because they avoid nothing, they can pursue their highest aspirations. They seem more alive than the rest of us.” ~Phil Stutz and Barry Michels

    If you were to see me in a social situation, you’d think that I’m confident.

    And in most informal social settings, I am. Now.

    I love people, love hearing their stories, so most of the time I trust my ability to relate and connect.

    But this wasn’t always the case.

    These were skills I had to re-learn.

    During adolescence, probably as a result of my parents’ divorce and going to a new school where I felt completely out of my depth, I lost my natural childhood confidence.

    Approaching new people felt very hard.

    I would often spend break times at school pretending to be busy doing work, to avoid the shame of having to go up to a group and ask whether I could sit with them and face the potential humiliation of being told no.

    It was a very lonely time.

    For most of my high school career I avoided reaching out unless I was pretty certain of a favorable response.

    Then I left school and took a gap year and needed to make money, so I started a job waiting tables.

    I was perfectly capable of upgrading to waiting tables after the mandatory month of training (when I was responsible for clearing plates and setting tables but didn’t have to engage much with customers). But I was so afraid of the having to approach people and the deal with the uncertainty of how they would respond to me that I declined and continued to train for another two months.

    Eventually it got ridiculous and I had to take the risk.

    I can still remember my first few months waitressing.

    I was terrified to approach new people and initially would try to avoid it by giving tables away.

    But then something interesting happened. By now I wanted to buy a car, and the pain of being dependent on others for transport was greater than the pain of the potential rejection, so I started to force myself out of my comfort zone—and I started to enjoy it.

    I started to enjoy the uncertainty and the challenge. I realized I loved meeting people from different places and hearing about their lives.

    This increasing confidence and enjoyment of connecting with people has been key in helping me accomplish a number of my dreams, especially in relation to my work.

    I’ve gotten several jobs through being able to connect with people, who then recommended me when an opening opened up (though this was not my initial intention when connecting with them).

    My challenge now is to develop the same confidence I have in informal social situations and apply it to performance situations. This is still an area where I struggle with performance anxiety and feel self-conscious.

    So I will continue to use the ideas below myself!

    1. Our minds play tricks on us.

    As Alison Ledgerwood, Ph.D, says in her TED talk entitled Getting Stuck in the Negatives (and How to Get Unstuck), our minds are built to look for negative information and hold onto it. Failures stick in our minds longer than successes do.

    What that meant for me is that in most cases, I was massively overestimating the potential for shame and rejection from each new interaction. But I was also underestimating my capacity to cope, should my worst fears ever come true. (In hindsight, I don’t think that even the most challenging experiences came close to the horror stories my mind was telling me were possible.)

    My mind kept reminding me of all the pain of failures I had previously experienced, rather than the times it had all worked out fine.

    Alison Ledgerwood advises: “Our minds may be built to look for negative information and to hold onto it. But we can also retrain our minds if we put some effort into it and start to see that the glass may be a little more full than we initially thought.”

    Love that!

    2. Just as our minds play tricks on us, we can trick our minds.

    It turns out that how we interpret the feelings of fear is the key to determining whether we’re able to engage or whether we avoid.

    While most of us tell ourselves to calm down and stop worrying when we feel afraid, research out of Harvard shows that this standard response to stress may be well meant, but it’s also wrong. Instead of trying to calm ourselves down, we should aim to get excited, suggests Alison Wood Brooks, Ph. D of Harvard Business School.

    Huh?

    I was definitely not excited at the thought of approaching tables with the possibility of being shamed and humiliated.

    But trust me, this works.

    Why is that?

    “When people feel anxious and try to calm down, they are thinking about all the things that could go badly. When they are excited, they are thinking about how things could go well,” Wood Brooks explains.

    Even if you don’t believe it at first, when you say it repeatedly, authentic feelings of excitement increase.

    Fake it until you become it!

    The fact that you’re reading this post is testament that this works. For years I’ve been wanting to write, but my own anxiety and self-doubt held me back. Now when I sit down to write and feel myself becoming anxious I repeat “I’m excited, I love sharing ideas with people” over and over again.

    After a few minutes I can feel myself actually start to believe it, and I feel more able to write.

    3. On the other side of fear is your limitless potential.

    This is an idea from therapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels from their book The Tools. They describe how we all tend to avoid emotional pain, but that this dramatically limits our potential.

    We need to know that our infinite potential exists on the other side of our comfort zones, and if we want to actualize our potential we need to break through it.

    They advise that we need to condition ourselves to get excited about the challenges in our lives, and instead of avoiding fear and pain we need to run straight at them screaming “BRING IT ON!!”

    I know this to be true.

    When I’ve had the presence of mind to remember this idea and keep going, rather than avoid, I find myself in a strange and unfamiliar place. It’s a feeling of absolute freedom—of not being limited by what you fear.

    And as a recovering worrier, that feels very good.

    Here’s how I’m using it to help me develop my confidence in performance situations. Mostly when I think of something that I want to do that makes me feel anxious, my tendency is to procrastinate and avoid it.

    But now, when I notice that fear (and the intense discomfort it can bring), instead of avoiding, I tell myself something along the lines of: “Great, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone and my capability. Bring it on!”

    This allows me to move from avoidance into engagement.

    The more I repeat this cycle, the easier it becomes to do the things I fear (mostly because I see that the thing I’m terrified of happening doesn’t actually happen).

    While I can’t go back in time and change the course of my younger self’s life, every day I’m faced with choices that determine whether I move toward becoming what, deep down, I have a feeling I’m capable of becoming, or step back into my comfort zone to avoid risking humiliation.

    What I now know is that the feeling of letting yourself down—the disappointment and unravelling confidence with each retreat—is far more painful than what is out there beyond the safety of what’s familiar.

  • Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken – Interview and Book Giveaway

    Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken – Interview and Book Giveaway

    Note – The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are:

    • Jennifer Moore Hardesty
    • Margie Lynn
    • Dr. Mac
    • Ryan
    • RB
    • Justme
    • Rogério Cardoso
    • Fernanda Garza
    • Benjamin E. Nichols
    • Terri Cross

    When you’re dealing with heartbreak, it can feel like the pain will never go away.

    You may know, intellectually, that everything heals with time, but in that moment, when you’re suffering, it’s hard to hold onto hope.

    Like all humans, I’ve experienced my fair share of loss, and I’ve felt scared, depressed, alone, betrayed, rejected, regretful, and angry—with other people, with myself, and with the world.

    Losing someone or something that has become a part of your identity can feel like losing a limb, and how do you go on when you’ve lost a part of yourself?

    I’ve learned that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to that question. There’s no magic solution that helps us grow, let go, and move on. There are, however, lots of things we can do to help ourselves when struggling with the many nuanced emotions that come up when we’re grieving a painful loss.

    Tiny Buddha contributor Lodro Rinzler has tackled these varied challenges in his new book, Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken. 

    This “short and compact first-aid kit for a broken heart” offers simple, practical wisdom to help you take good care of yourself and work through your pain. 

    With chapters that offer advice based on what you’re feeling, Love Hurts may just what you need to get through your hardest days and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I’m grateful that Lodro took the time to answer some questions about his book, and also that he’s provided ten free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of ten free copies of Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken:

    • Leave a comment below (you don’t need to write anything specific—“count me in” is sufficient)
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on one of your social media pages and post a second comment with the link

    You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, March 19th.

    The Interview 

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’m a meditation teacher and author. I grew up in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, started meditating at the age of six, and have been teaching meditation for the last sixteen years under the guidance of my teacher, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. I’ve written six books on the topic and co-founded the network of meditation studios known as MNDFL.

    On an outer level, I wrote this book because I work with a lot of people who are suffering from heartbreak and I wanted to talk to them directly, knowing that I couldn’t sit down and have tea with everyone.

    On an inner level, for a man in his thirties I have known a lot of heartbreak. Yes, the romantic kind, but also from too many people who have died, many around my age, and from every day reading the news and my heart breaking anew, seeing how many people are perpetuating horror and terror on others due to discrimination.

    On a secret level I wrote this because I needed to understand how heartbreak works, and writing is how I process information. That’s why I birthed this book.

    2. Your book isn’t just for people who are healing from a breakup or divorce; you define heartbreak in much broader terms. Who is this book for?

    It’s for humans. We all experience heartbreak. It might be personal, such as a breakup, sure, but it might also stem from job loss, the death of a loved one, or just not feeling like we’re living up to our potential. It might also be more societal, in reaction to hatred playing across the news.

    It’s odd because in some sense, I’m constantly rooting against my own book; I don’t want people to need a book on heartbreak—I want them to feel happy—but so many of us are experiencing heartbreak right now so I’m glad it’s available as a resource.

    3. I love how you sectioned the book based on what readers may be feeling or experiencing. What made you decide to write the book this way?

    When you’re heartbroken, you can’t sit down and read a ten-step plan for healing; heartbreak is messier than that.

    It’s this simple term that encapsulates so many strong emotions, including anger, despair, frustration, loneliness, and more. The underlying emotions of heartbreak—despite what caused it—are all too similar, so I knew I could address those, even though I could never dream of all the scenarios that might spark heartbreak.

    In that sense it’s a bit like a choose-your-own adventure book, where you can read about whatever you’re dealing with on that particular day.

    4. The section heading that most jumped out at me reads “If you feel like you have no right to be heartbroken.” Why do you think some of us feel this way, and why is this not true?

    So many of us feel ashamed of our heartbreak. When I would meet with people to hear their heartbreak stories, people were so shy at first. They would come in and think they would be talking to me about their last big relationship.

    I would ask the question, “What is your experience of heartbreak” and the flood gates would open. They would then start talking about their dead cat, or their high school sweetheart from decades before, and at some point note that they felt totally confused as to why they were heartbroken about this thing that was ages ago or, based on societal standards, “not a big deal” but it was their honest experience.

    Whatever breaks your heart, breaks your heart. It’s quite simple. The last thing we need to do when we feel heartbroken is judge ourselves for feeling that way.

    5. What, in your experience, are the most important things we can do to take care of ourselves when dealing with heartbreak?

    Even the simplest of self-care acts make a big difference when we’re struck down by heartbreak. I recommend:

    • getting more sleep than you think you need
    • eating well, or at least eating (we often forget to when we’re depressed)
    • meditating
    • exercising in whatever way makes sense to you

    6. How does meditation help us cope with our losses and heal?

    There are many types of meditation out there. To get going, I often recommend mindfulness, where we are bringing our full mind to one thing such as the breath.

    There have been a lot of studies done in recent years about this form of meditation. It’s proven what the Buddhists have known for 2600 years: Doing it for even short periods every day increases focus and resilience and leads to a better memory and reduced stress.

    While I appreciate science backing up the practicality of meditation, here’s what it has done for me:

    It has helped me show up fully for every aspect of my life.

    It has helped me wake up to where I get stuck and shut down my heart.

    It has helped me be more present with simple activity in my daily schedule.

    It has helped me get to know, befriend, and ultimately love myself.

    Having established that foundation of love inwardly, I have been able to be kinder, more compassionate, and loving toward others. When I am with friends or on a date with my spouse, I am there, fully. When I am in a painful situation, going through a break up or holding my father’s hand as he died, I am there, fully. It has allowed me to be present with the wide variety of pleasures and pains that life brings.

    Meditation has been an incredible gift to me, particularly when it comes to showing up for my own and others’ heartbreak.

    I’ve discovered that the main way to move through heartbreak is to look directly at it and not flinch. To stay with our discomfort is the best way to move through our discomfort. For me, the best way to learn to stay with all the difficult emotions that come up around heartbreak is meditation.

    7. What do you think is the biggest mistakes most of us make when healing from heartbreak?

    Whenever I would meet with people about this topic, I would ask them how they take care of themselves in the midst of heartbreak. Indubitably, every single person would answer by saying, “Well, the thing I do that I know I shouldn’t is…” and then they would fill in the blank. “I over-eat sweet foods.” “I reach for a bottle of alcohol.” “I go online and find someone to hook up with.”

    When strong emotions come up, we don’t necessarily want to look at them; we want to run away from them and act out in a similarly harmful and habitual way. When you feel like that, I recommend taking a breath, coming back into your body, and seeing if you can stay with the energy of the emotion itself, as opposed to the storylines around it.

    8. What has helped you let go of anger and forgive after being hurt or rejected?

    In my own experience, one thing that helps me when I am suffering is simply to be heard, to be witnessed. When we sit one-on-one in the presence of each other we experience one another in a very human and honest way.

    Sometimes the best way to see ourselves through our heartbreak is to be with our heartbreak, and being with other people who can hold the space for that really helps.

    9. What is the main message you hope people take from this book?

    That you will heal. It may take more time than you would want it to take—and that’s the nature of heartbreak—but even the seemingly devastating emotions that come with this experience are impermanent and that is extremely good news. Because when you do heal, you will love again.

    You can learn more about Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • How We Suffer When We Judge Other People’s Choices

    How We Suffer When We Judge Other People’s Choices

    “The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~Brian Tracy

    Two months ago I travelled back home to Connecticut to care for a sick parent. My dad was preparing for cancer treatment, trying to figure out the medical system, and packing up to move all at the same time. He was overwhelmed with stress and exhausted from his pain medication. As a caring and health-conscious daughter, I was eager to help.

    I had visions of cooking him meals of steamed greens and healthy soups. And I stocked my suitcase with supplements that would ease the pain and help his body detoxify. Growing up, I suffered from an autoimmune disorder called Celiac disease, which made any food with gluten in it toxic to me, so I deeply understood the link between what we consume and how the body functions.

    It excited me to be able to pass this knowledge on to my dad. We always had a close bond, and in times of illness it’s easy to feel helpless. I figured this could be my contribution.

    I was afraid to see my dad ill. I’d been living in Arizona for the past two years so I didn’t have to see the change in his appearance. The butterflies in my stomach expanded as I drove to his house the first time. Thinking of him being unable to move freely, work, and have a regular life tore me up inside.

    My plan was to visit him every day for three weeks and to do whatever I could to help. Luckily, seeing him in person lifted some of my worry. He seemed motivated to try new things, like trade in his meat for vegetables. And he even listened intently while I showed him what supplements to take and when.

    That set up didn’t last, though. As the days went on I noticed that the bottles of pills and their color-coded instructions didn’t move. I saw that the dirty pans in the kitchen were covered in grease. Once again, my stomach was in knots and I felt panicked.

    The heaviness I felt about my dad’s illness subsided when I thought he was on board with my amateur health plan. And I was only suggesting what seemed like common sense. When he didn’t wholeheartedly take my advice, a feeling of grief took me over. I felt like he wasn’t taking care of himself and that I had wasted my time in coming to see him.

    It felt like he was rejecting me.

    One night about a week into my trip I spoke with my boyfriend on the phone. He was upset about a plumbing issue at the house and that our cat might be sick. Tears started streaming down my face involuntarily.

    “It’s not so easy here, either,” I said with a wilt in my voice. It seemed that the stress my dad felt about his condition melted into me. And the fact that my plan to save him wasn’t working made me feel overextended.

    And then it hit me: I was suffering because I judged the situation.

    In my mind he wasn’t doing what he could to get better, and that was wrong. And by assigning that judgment, I suffered. As soon as I accepted that he could navigate this journey in any way he wished and that was okay, my internal pain disappeared. It was like magic.

    Suddenly I felt my boundaries coming back. It was easier to go to visit him when I felt like it instead of being motivated by fear and obligation. I found a way to precook some meals for him that he could add into his meat dishes. I worked with and respected his choices.

    He appreciated my new attitude. I wasn’t another person telling him what to do. What he really wanted was someone to listen, and I was now capable of doing that.

    This made me more of a comfort and support to him and it gave me back the ability to actually enjoy myself. Before this epiphany I was choosing to stay in, feeling depressed instead of visiting with friends I hadn’t seen in months. Releasing judgment on my father’s situation gave me a multidimensional gift.

    When I thought back to other times when I’ve suffered, I saw that the pattern held up. Addiction is a great example of this.

    I’ve had a few close friends and family members battle drug and alcohol demons, and the feeling in my belly was the same. I felt heavy and sick when I thought about the choices those people were making and how hard their lives must be. But it wasn’t them giving me the feeling; it was my own judgment of their situation.

    I was making their life path wrong.

    There are plenty of things in my past that could have garnered the same judgment. I used to smoke cigarettes, I dropped out of high school and took my GED instead of graduating, I got married young and then got divorced. My life wasn’t picture perfect, but I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. They taught me valuable lessons, and without them, I wouldn’t be me.

    The suffering I felt was my creation. It was a choice. And just as easily as the heavy feeling came on, it left as I reminded myself of that. I realized that true compassion can be felt without taking on any negative feeling. Compassion is love and acceptance of where a person is; it should feel good.

    Do you have friends and family members that you feel are making the wrong choices? It’s an easy trap to get into when gossip magazines and shows feel like the cornerstone of our culture. Everyone is supposed to have an opinion on the lives of others. So don’t feel badly if you have taken on that task.

    The next time you feel yourself sinking because of another person’s decisions, remember to pause. Ask yourself if you are taking on this feeling of heaviness because you are judging them. If the answer is yes, then see if you can let it go. You can turn your concern into acceptance and still serve your loved one in the way they most need.

    There may be times when you recognize that someone is inflicting harm on themselves or others, and in this case you need to use your best judgment. Get a professional opinion or call the authorities when the moment warrants it. Trying to help in the best way you know how is also a way to ease suffering. Acting on your observation doesn’t make you the bad guy; it frees you of holding accountability for what’s happening.

    Coming out of judgment allows you to communicate without attacking. You can hold your own boundaries better and decide from an unemotional place if there needs to be any further intervention. And don’t forget to share with your loved one that you care about them. Hearing that someone loves you is often the best medicine.

  • Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” ~Gandhi

    For many years forgiveness was not in my mind, let alone my vocabulary. I was taught to believe that forgiveness was a sign of weakness, and I certainly did not forgive anyone who hurt me.

    In the past, I have engaged in acts of revenge, which I thought was the right thing to do at those times. I was wrong.

    One event that springs to my mind was when I was the target of a cruel prank. A group of guys had taunted a young man I knew, telling him that he was “whipped” by his girlfriend, who lived with him. To prove this wasn’t true and that he could “get anyone he wanted,” he pretended to like me and proceeded to call, text, and show an interest in me.

    I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, and I liked him, so I went along with this, unaware of the game. I soon found out what was going on. So, what did I do? I released all hell and vengeance.

    I was hurt and embarrassed on so many levels to be the butt of a cruel joke. I felt like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. In retaliation, I contacted his girlfriend, went to their house, and showed her all the messages. We even got him to message me back while I was with her. We then waited for him to come home as we both sat there.

    She had thrown all his stuff outside and torn his clothes. She cut his guitar strings in front of him and kicked him out. Did I feel satisfied? I thought I did, but a few days later I felt so guilty. This guy was now homeless, the girl heartbroken, and I looked like a home wrecker. I know I did the right thing in being honest; I just went about it the wrong way.

    I have since learned the power of forgiving—both others and myself.

    The most important situation where I have forgiven myself was something that happened when I was only thirteen years old. This situation haunted me for many years.

    I told my dad I wanted him to die. I know that this happens between children and their parents; however, the difference here is that my dad killed himself that night.

    A lot led me to telling my dad to die, that I hated him, and that he would never see my brother or me again. Nonetheless, I said something I regret and I know that he listened to that message.

    How can you move forward from such an act? An act that was done in defending my mum and wanting to protect my loved ones.

    I have had to learn to forgive myself.

    My dad had already made up his mind up before I said what I said. He was mentally unwell and no longer wanted to live. Maybe my words tipped him over the edge. But for me to live and not die with my dad, I had to forgive myself.

    Forgiveness is one the best things you can learn to do for yourself. It can free you, eradicate anger over time, and leave you open to receiving wonderful things in your life.

    In my life, I have been hurt, I have hurt others, and I have lost people along the way. I have done stupid things and had awful things done to me. However, I eventually realized that focusing on the past and holding onto anger was not serving me. The answer is and was forgiveness.

    The only thing holding you back from forgiveness is fear. Fear of letting someone “off the hook,” fear of being hurt again in the future, fear that you may have to change, fear that you may be perceived by your peers as weak, and fear that you may become soft. These fears may seem rational, but they stop you from leading a loving, open life.

    Forgiveness is an art form that takes practice. It’s not something you ever fully master, as life moves on and each passing moment brings new experiences and new ways we can be upset or hurt. Each situation is a chance to grow and become more awake to a better life.

    I used to be so angry at the world, my family, and mostly, myself. I regret some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I know the best apology you can ever give is changed behavior, and that is exactly what I have done. I have changed how I treat others and how I respond when they hurt me.

    With commitment to change and increased meditation, I am working on forgiveness constantly. Each time a memory comes up or I see something that upsets me from my past, I send it love. The way to a better life is through love. Through love, we can forgive.

    I release my anger toward others, as it doesn’t assist me. Each time I feel a pang of jealousy, anger, or annoyance, I forgive myself and let it go. Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

    When working on forgiveness and opening your heart, painful feelings and memories may come up. But the rewards of choosing to stay open and forgive far outweigh the negatives.

    When we work on becoming open and eradicating all that blocks us, this opens us to love and possibility. When we hold in anger, we carry that situation or person with us and keep hurting ourselves. Why would you want to keep hurting yourself?

    You’ll never move forward unless you let go.

    When we choose not to forgive and hold in feelings of anger, jealously, and resentment, we remain in a negative state of being and living, and in turn attract more of the same situations into our lives.

    But there is another way.

    I will often laugh now when I trip up instead of getting angry. I don’t get mad at myself when I make a mistake, and I don’t get mad at other people as much anymore.

    I’m learning to forgive the man who cuts me off when driving or beeps his horn at me. I don’t let the fact that someone lies to me or tries to cut me in a queue upset my inner balance.

    It’s hard to do and I struggle sometimes, but I keep practicing, because keeping it in and holding onto it simply doesn’t serve me.

    When I slip up, I forgive myself and realize where I can do better next time. I don’t want negative emotions and memories inside me, so each time they come up I work on releasing and surrendering.

    If we want to experience happiness, relief, and true well-being, we must practice forgiving.

    When you feel anger or someone upsets you, be assertive but approach the situation from a higher place of love.

    When I am reminded of a past hurt or see something that upsets me, I will face it, imagine it surrounded in white light, and breathe in and out, with the out breath releasing the negative feeling.

    That does’t mean I forgive instantly; for some things, it comes in time. I give myself that time and work on it because I know forgiveness is an antidote for poisons that can corrupt the body, cause illness and disease, damage the soul, and pain the mind.

    When you are ready you will learn the freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself if you aren’t the weight you think you should be, forgiveness to the ex for hurting you, forgiveness for yourself for hurting them, forgiveness for the times you messed up, because you simply cannot take these things back.

    Holding onto anger holds you back and weighs you down. Learn to forgive and feel as light as air. You’ll then be open to receiving all the goodness that’s available to you in life.