Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How Releasing Expectations Takes the Pressure Off Relationships

    How Releasing Expectations Takes the Pressure Off Relationships

    “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” ~Unknown

    A few months back, I was having drinks with a friend from university for the first time in a while. I sat across from her, smiling and laughing, almost in awe that we were here—here, not as in at this particular restaurant patio, but here, as in, in this moment that felt so free and so light, unbound by who we used to be.

    During our first couple years of university, we were best friends, always hanging out, living together, supporting each other, swapping secrets, and creating unforgettable memories. And then over time, things changed.

    Throughout university, we had found our own niches, our own interests, our own passions, and as we explored who we were and who we wanted to be, our friendship fell by the wayside.

    In our last months of living together, our friendship created a lot of suffering for me. I constantly felt this weight between us, this heaviness that came from pretending that we were still the same as we were in the beginning, this heaviness of a friendship that wasn’t what it used to be.

    Through my yoga practice, I found the tools I needed to free our relationship from this suffering, by shining a light on the truth and choosing something different.

    So how do we find this freedom in our relationships?

    1. Accept the relationship as it is.

    The first step to changing anything is always to see it as it really is. We often create suffering in our relationships when reality doesn’t match the ideal in our head. We end up trying to force our relationships to be what we think they should be, based on the past or a fantasy, rather than accepting how they actually are in the present.

    For me, this meant facing the truth that our friendship wasn’t as close as it once was and we were no longer the people we used to be. Until I accepted this truth, I suffered.

    When we have the courage to face the truth—when we accept and interact with reality instead of clinging to how we want it to be—the pressure on the relationship automatically starts to lift.

    And sometimes when the pressure lifts, relationships naturally get closer and stronger.

    2. Challenge your faulty beliefs.

    Throughout my confrontation with truth, I unearthed different thoughts that I’d had about our relationship. In particular, I became aware of this mantra that I had been repeating in my head: “I don’t belong.”

    This belief was like an infection, poisoning my mind and tainting how I saw our friendship, before any interaction even took place. That story created and contributed to the heaviness that lay between us.

    When relationships change, we often think it’s something we did. We blame ourselves, we think we did something wrong, or that we just are wrong. We might start telling ourselves things like, “I’m not good enough,” “There’s something wrong with me,” or even “It’s all my fault.”

    We internalize something that is beyond our control, something that is often a natural experience as people grow and develop in their own ways.

    As I grappled with the mantra I’d taken on, I realized that it didn’t just exist in this one single relationship; it went much deeper than that and affected how I saw and therefore how I interacted in other relationships.

    I could see how this same thought had led to me feeling like an outsider in other relationships too. The thought was like a wall that kept me at arm’s length from everyone around me, while at the same time, there I was, wishing it were different.

    Once I realized and accepted the truth, I could start to choose something different. I started to challenge that belief by reinforcing the opposite, “I belong here.”

    When I spent time with her and other friends, I reminded myself that I was a part of this group. Whenever I questioned whether or not I belonged with any group, I reminded myself that I did. The more I did this, the stronger the new mantra got and the quieter the old one became.

    3. Practice a new way and let go of expectations.

    When we know the truth about our relationship, and we acknowledge our part in creating the suffering, we can start to practice something different.

    We have to override the way we used to do things, or the thoughts we used to tell ourselves that led us to suffering, and consciously choose a different path. What this practice looks like depends on what truths you uncover.

    For me, I asked my friend if she wanted to get together and catch up. Having recognized that I’d formed this idea that I didn’t belong and that our friendship was broken, I consciously set an intention to not compare our evening with how things used to be, and to let go of any expectations of how it should be. In essence, I wiped the slate clean, leaving myself open to however it turned out.

    When we let go of how we think things should be and allow them to just be, we can interact with what’s really there. If we don’t set an ideal, there is no story to compare reality to. There is only reality.

    As I sat across from her that day, I was no longer tethered to the past mantras or the disillusioned expectations of how things used to be. There was only the present moment, however it was going to be.

    I wasn’t sure what would become of our friendship. We had spent so much time under the heaviness that I didn’t know what would be there when we took it away. I didn’t know if there would be anything left. All I knew was that I didn’t want this friendship to create anymore suffering; we both deserved to be free. I wanted our relationship to be free to be whatever it was now.

    When our relationships create suffering, it often isn’t the relationship that has to change; it is how we see the relationship and how we interact with it.

    Freeing our relationship from expectations brought back the lightness that I had missed so much, that I had fought for so long to get back.

    In some ways, it felt like it used to, only different because the specifics of our friendship didn’t change at all. We aren’t as close, we don’t get together that often, and we aren’t as involved in each other’s lives. The only thing that changed was how we saw it. And because of that, when we do get together, our friendship is fun, supportive, and freeing again.

    Have the courage to seek the truth within yourself and acknowledge the effect of your thoughts, beliefs, and actions with compassion and without judgment. Only then can you choose a different way, a freer way.

    Sitting across from her that day, there was freedom. I could feel it. And I think she could feel it too.

  • The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    “Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.” ~Steven Pressfield

    “We need to talk to you.”

    I looked up from my book. The other thirteen girls in my class had assembled around me.

    Part of me was annoyed that they interrupted Indiana Jones’s latest adventure. But another part couldn’t shake the feeling that I was facing the sixth grade execution squad. My heart began to beat faster, my shoulders tensed, and sickening fear spread through my body.

    “We don’t like you,” the appointed spokesperson declared.

    “We think you are arrogant and weird, your nose is always in a book, and your clothes are embarrassing. You don’t fit in here. Do yourself a favor and stay away from us.”

    With that, they left. I could hear them gossip at the other side of the classroom. As if nothing had happened.

    I sat at my desk, alone. My shaking hands were still clutching my book. My throat felt tight and sore as I battled to hold back tears.

    Sure, I would have been kidding myself pretending that I was ever popular. But still, some of these girls I considered my friends. And this brutal, unanimous rejection was a shock.

    I can’t remember how I made it through the next two lessons and the bus ride home. I know I didn’t cry. I didn’t want them to see how much they hurt me.

    It wasn’t until my mum asked me how my day was that I burst. Tears ran down my cheek as I was sobbing. Looking back, it feels like I wept for days and I remember crying myself to sleep for many months.

    I had been judged unworthy of friendship, respect, and approval. I was unacceptable. I wasn’t good enough.

    That’s how it started.

    The Guaranteed Way to be Accepted in Any Social Group

    “Why would you want to be part of their clique anyway?” my mum asked. “They are superficial and blind if they can’t see what a wonderful person you are.” Mums would say that.

    But it wasn’t how I felt. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be included. I wanted to be invited to the birthday parties and sleepovers. And I was sick of being picked last in sports.

    For a while, my classmates avoided me, as if I was suffering from a contagious disease. As instructed, I kept my distance. I felt upset, wounded, heartbroken.

    But I watched them. I observed their interactions. I studied the requirements of acceptance. Little by little, I adjusted my behavior.

    I begged my mum to buy me a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans so they couldn’t disapprove of my fashion sense. I left my beloved books in my bag to participate in the shallow gossip during recess. I swallowed my opinions and conformed to the group consensus. I engaged in activities I hated. My sole desire was to be accepted, and I was willing to make sacrifices.

    And I succeeded. My assimilated interests and behaviors morphed into a new version of me that was finally accepted (or at least tolerated) as part of the group. No more lonely recesses, no more exiled lunch breaks, no more involuntary isolation. I had reached my goal.

    I didn’t know then that the cost of acceptance was by far outweighing the benefits. It would be a while until I found out.

    A Painful Wake-Up Call

    Thirteen years after my fateful teenage rejection, now a student at Vienna University, I was waking up in my tiny flat. My boyfriend of eight years was awake, looking at me. I smiled at him, stretching while planning a busy day in my mind.

    “I need to talk to you.”

    My smile froze; my stomach felt like it was filled with gravel; my mind was racing. Please, not again! I did everything expected of me.

    Don’t do this to me again!

    “I don’t love you anymore,” he continued. “I am so sorry. I met someone else.”

    That evening, he moved out, to be with her. I sat on the floor, alone, in disbelief, my back against the cold radiator.

    I was rejected again! How could this happen? I had done everything required.

    But it seemed that no matter who I was or pretended to be, no matter how much I pleaded and begged, no matter how much I changed, adapted, and adjusted myself to please them, they always rejected me. Because I wasn’t good enough. No version of me would ever be good enough.

    I cried for days. I wallowed in self-hatred, blame, and self-pity. I cursed my inferior, unacceptable existence. I grieved for the life I lost and prepared myself for a future of unworthy loneliness.

    But then, something amazing happened.

    The Revelation of the Tragic Price of Acceptance

    Two weeks later, I was preparing to go to work. I opened my wardrobe, and the realization hit me so hard that I lost balance.

    All the clothes I owned were beige! He had preferred me in beige. He said he didn’t like it when I stood out. I had followed his rules to give him no reason to ever reject me. I was whatever he wanted me to be.

    I stared at the rows of neatly folded beige T-shirts, jumpers, and cardigans. There was no color, no personality, no character, no life. Only fulfilled expectations, subordination, and lies.

    I had rejected myself to be accepted by others! My true self was chained and gagged, silently suffering. That’s when I realized that self-rejection is the most devastating rejection of them all. It had to stop!

    That day in May 2005, I started the journey back to myself. Now I want to share what I learned along the way to help you rediscover your own authentic self.

    1. The fascinating reason why we fear rejection.

    Nobody likes being rejected. It sucks! But it’s unavoidable.

    No matter how much we change, bend, or distort, we will always encounter people who dislike us, disapprove of us, or disrespect us. We will always face situations where we lose out, fail, or don’t make the grade. That’s life.

    But we tend to experience rejection as a threat. And I soon discovered that there is a scientific reason for it.

    You see, the need for acceptance is deeply rooted in human evolution. If our early ancestors were exiled from the tribe cave, they were history as soon as the next sabre tooth strolled by. Survival depended on remaining a part of the tribe at all cost.

    Nowadays, we usually aren’t at risk of being devoured by a wild beast when others disapprove of us. But it still hurts! Because, while our life might not depend on it any longer, our self-worth often does.

    We feel worthy only if others approve of us. The issue is that nobody will be acceptable to everybody else.

    It’s important to know that rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough. Some people don’t click. And that’s okay.

    2. Being myself was harder than I thought.

    When people want to encourage you, they often say: “It’s going to be okay. Just be yourself!”

    Good advice. But if you pretended to be someone else for most of your life, this other version of you, the act, becomes who you believe you are. Once this false persona collapses, and you discover that your life was a lie, all that is left are questions.

    “Who am I? Do I actually like my work, hobbies, style? Or did I choose them to please others? What do I like? What is important to me?”

    In the early days I felt lost, aimless, forlorn. I thought I had to know myself inside out, uncover all the answers, find myself. But the beginning of your journey back to yourself is like the start of any relationship.

    You need to get to know yourself. Bit by bit. It takes time, patience, and lots of honest talks. (Yes, with yourself!)

    Through these conversations with myself, I learned that I couldn’t rediscover myself through my likes and dislikes. They were artefacts, reflecting the passions and interests of the people I wanted to impress.

    I had to investigate what made me happy. I had to identify what made my eyes light up and my heart sing. Because those were the things that originated from my true self.

    3. Denying my true self was hurting me.

    Throughout my teens and early twenties I suffered from several health problems. I now know that they were caused by my self-rejection. Because they all vanished after I accepted my authentic self.

    My social anxiety originated from the belief that anybody could reject me at any time without warning. My night-time crying fits resulted from the grief I felt over losing myself. My bouts of self-hatred stemmed from the fact that I loathed the person I pretended to be, and even my bronchitis was a warning sign that I wasn’t speaking my truth.

    I was emotionally, mentally, and physically hurting myself so others might approve of me. And I didn’t allow myself to see it. I ignored all the signs because my desire for approval was paramount.

    I needed to be accepted to feel worthy, and blamed all the negative consequences on a nervous disposition, a sensiive soul, and the harsh Alpine air.

    4. I never knew what I wanted because I didn’t know who I was.

    By the time my boyfriend left me, playing an act to please others was so normal, I had stopped noticing it. But I always felt unfulfilled. My life lacked direction and purpose.

    I was unsure what I could offer the world or what I wanted from life. Sometimes I sat in the living room of my tiny flat thinking, “I want to go home.” At the time, I didn’t know where this absurd thought came from.

    Now I understand that you cannot find your true calling if you aren’t true to yourself. If you pretend to be someone else to gain approval from others, everything you do reflects your efforts to please, appeal, and impress.

    Once you rediscover yourself, can you walk on your right path. Because every decision made or influenced by others will ultimately be the wrong one for you.

    Finding your direction, passions, and purpose has to start with accepting who you are and presenting this person to the world.

    5. Losing friends is unavoidable.

    And that’s where it becomes terrifying! Your friends, business partners, clients, and colleagues only know your act. But now you have to put the cards on the table and be honest with them. I found that to be the hardest part.

    Exposing your true self to the world leaves you naked and vulnerable. It’s impossible to predict how people will react. In my case, some were disappointed and hurt, some disliked my true self and disappeared from my life, but most neither noticed nor cared.

    The truth is that some friendships may not survive. And that’s okay. Most friendships aren’t constants; they are in flow.

    Your friends reflect what you believe about yourself. If your beliefs change, so will the people around you. A special few may stick with you for life, but most will come and go.

    Yes, it can be heart-breaking but no friend will ever be worth denying your true self. Losing a friendship will never be more devastating than losing yourself. And no rejection is as disastrous as self-rejection.

    The friends who cannot accept your authentic self will be replaced by people who love and respect the real you.

    The Key to an Authentic Life

    I know what you’re thinking. What if not? What if you will never find anybody who loves and accepts you?

    Would you not be better off being an integrated pretender than an authentic loner?

    The answer lies in your self-worth. Think about it. There are 7.4 billion people on this planet. It is statistically impossible that they will all reject you!

    But throughout your life you learned to believe that you are unlovable because you have nothing to offer. That you don’t deserve other people’s approval because you aren’t good enough, and that you are only acceptable if you cover up your flawed and unworthy self.

    That’s why your mind will always caution you. It wants to protect you from the pain of further rejection and disappointment. Because a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness has become your default state.

    But it’s not reality! It’s not the truth.

    The truth is that you are worth personified! Your true self is beautiful, valuable, and infinitely deserving of happiness, friendship, and love.

    Your worth is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on your style and appearance. It exists irrespective of your bank balance, success levels, or qualification, and it isn’t diminished by the lack of other people’s approval.

    Yes, we all make mistakes, we all do things we aren’t proud of, and we all are rejected at times. But as long as you do your best to be a kind, loving, and warm-hearted person, you will always be good enough!

    Once you accept this, once you accept yourself, others will see the amazing person you are. People out there want to know and love you. That much I know.

    Because I worked my way from a conforming, self-suppressing, anxiety-filled, beige existence to a happy woman with a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and genuine friends who love me for who I really am.

    I believed I was unacceptable. But it wasn’t the truth. It was low self-worth.

    And it is low self-worth for you too. You can overcome it; you can heal. And you can attract the people out there looking to meet you.

    Now you just need to have the courage to introduce yourself. I know you can do it!

  • Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    “I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ~John Lennon

    After doing years and years of self-esteem work, I thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I thought I was fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But all that changed when I got into my recent relationship.

    My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping in. Again? Seriously? I thought I was past all that.

    As it turns out my attachment disorder runs much deeper than I thought it did. What about yours? I mentioned attachment theory in one of my previous posts, but to elaborate…

    Are You Insecure?

    Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s. This is an evolutionary theory of attachment, which suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others (caregivers) because this allows them to survive, and the way in which you attach during childhood becomes the prototype for all future attachments.

    Bowldy asserts that there are three fundamental types of attachments which include secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment.

    If you are secure, you probably aren’t reading this. Someone who is securely attached had a parent who was fairly stable and secure in meeting their needs. Because of this, as they become adults they assume other adults will meet their needs, so they do not suffer from relationship anxiety.

    Secure individuals tend to be happier and more content in their relationships because they are acting and reacting from a secure place, which allows each partner to move freely within the world. They’re able to offer support to their partners and are more open and honest in their interactions

    If you are avoidant, you may or not be reading this because often those who avoid intimacy often avoid introspection. If you are avoidant, you keep people at a distance and believe that you don’t really need others to exist in the world. Those who are avoidantly attached had a parent who was not really attentive to their needs, so the child learned to just avoid seeking reassurance.

    Avoidant individuals tend to emotionally distance themselves from a partner. They believe they are better off alone (even if in a relationship) and live in an internal world where their needs are most important. Even avoidant individuals need connection, but when their partner looks to them for comfort they turn off their feelings and fail to react.

    However, if you are at all anxious or insecurely attached, like I am, you are probably going to read this and say, “A Ha!” and a light bulb may even go off over your head. If you are anxiously attached, then you feel anxiety when your partner is separated from you or you do not feel emotionally reassured by them.

    Anxious attachment derives from a parent who was emotionally and/or physically unavailable, non-responsive, and/or possibly intrusive.

    People with anxious attachment are desperate to form a bond, but don’t actually trust their partner to meet their needs, so when their partner fails to assuage every emotion they have, they blame their partner or become jealous or critical. This often prompts their partner to distance themselves, thereby reinforcing their belief that they are not lovable.

    Anxiously attached individuals continually seek external validation, as if still looking to that parent to soothe them and make them feel secure in the world. The problem with this is that it’s too much of burden for a romantic partner to carry and it isn’t their job.

    Let’s Focus

    I’m going to focus on anxious attachment and especially pre-occupied anxious attachment.

    Let me ask this:

    Are you pre-occupied with what you are or are not getting from your partner?

    Are you self-critical?

    Do you constantly seek approval and reassurance?

    If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, do you blame or become upset?

    Do you always anticipate your partner rejecting you, losing interest, or abandoning you?

    Do you continually worry and obsess and not really trust them? If so, this is you.

    This is me.

    I have known that I was anxious for a while now and I have known and read about attachment theory, but I never really understood the depths to which it had inhabited my life, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I can’t explain why, but suddenly it all became so clear.

    I don’t recall my infant years, but I do recall that when I turned four or five my mom pretty much left me alone. I could walk and talk and feed myself. She had things to do. I started playing next door at the neighbor’s house. He had toys and games and a swing. He had a hopscotch and candy and wood-making tools. We played. He paid attention to me. He also molested me.

    When I was eight or so, my mom went back to work and left my sister and me alone. A friend of the family started coming over while she was gone. He also molested me.

    But what does the molestation have to do with the attachment, you ask? I never really got it until now. Being left alone and being ignored by someone who was supposed to care for me literally put me in physical and emotional danger.

    So, every time I get into a romantic relationship and I start to feel ignored (whether imagined or real), I freak out. I start to get palpitations. My brain starts to flood with thoughts and emotions. I start seeking reassurance.

    For years I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.

    What I didn’t realize is that you can’t do that. There is a thing called “primal panic,” which sets in when you are anxiously attached and not getting your needs met. What I didn’t know or understand is that when I feel ignored, my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in order to protect itself. My brain believes it’s going to be taken advantage again and my body starts reacting.

    Although I can logically understand this is not true, my brain does not subconsciously know it to be true and reacts accordingly.

    What Happened

    What this meant was that every infraction from my partner, every sense of injustice, every wrong step or every interpretation of a wrongdoing, no matter how slight, I met with a intolerability that I had no idea I was even imposing on my partner.

    I would be so preoccupied with feeling better and getting them to make me feel better that I’d spend all my time and energy obsessing about how to get my needs met. And if they weren’t met properly, I would blame them and start to label them “untrustworthy.”

    Think about it. If you haven’t heard from your partner in a day or so, do you automatically start thinking, “He/she doesn’t love me,” or “I knew he/she would do this,” or “I knew this would happen again”? Do you constantly think about what your partner isn’t giving you and what you aren’t getting?

    Do you become calm and happy when your partner reassures you only to become anxious and insecure the minute you feel something is off or you feel you are being ignored or disrespected?

    All of these things were (okay, sometimes still are) me in a nutshell.

    The problem with all these feelings and behaviors is that they keep you from realizing true intimacy because you are living in fear and anxiety, and you may not even consciously realize it. You are living as if you are still that child who’s going to get hurt. But, guess what? You aren’t.

    How to Fix It

    Once I realized how this pattern was affecting my life, I knew I had to change it but I wasn’t sure how. I started doing some research. I read a few books including Insecure in Love.

    One day I woke up and it had been two days since I had heard from my boyfriend. My body started going into panic mode. Where was he? Doesn’t he care? How can he do this? Maybe I should just leave him. My body and mind were going into panic mode. Anxiety set in. What should I do?

    I tried some meditation but I couldn’t stop thinking and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?

    As I sat there and began to go deeper into the true meaning of my anxiety, I realized that I was literally feeling scared that someone would come hurt me. I was scared of being physically and emotionally alone and having no one there to rescue me. I realized that his ignoring me had triggered this subconscious belief that I’ve been holding onto that I never knew was there.

    Then, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was actually really petrified. Then, I told myself, “You’re okay. You will be okay. You are not there anymore. You are safe.” I cried and I reassured myself, and when I stopped and it was over the anxiety had lifted.

    I had faced my fears. I had felt my pain and I had released it. I don’t think it will be gone forever, but it is gone for today and that is a good start.

    Keep Trying

    I thought I had dealt with all of this anxiety and insecurity stuff. I thought it was gone and buried. I thought I had made inroads into my new relationship and that because I had attracted a seemingly secure individual, it meant I was all better. Surprise! Insecurity was still running my life.

    But, once I realized this to be true I made a vow that I would do whatever it takes to beat this insecurity over the head and run it out of my life.

    I realized that if I kept going the way I was I would eventually push every boyfriend out of my life, and that I would never find a partner I was happy and content with. The truth can hurt.

    I also realized that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean or insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. I have a biological response to a real experience. I learned this coping mechanism to help me survive and it did its job, but its time has come and it needs to retire.

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it? It isn’t their job to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, they can and should support you and be encouraging, but you have to learn to support and encourage yourself.

    If you want to find true love you have to learn to love yourself, as cheesy as that sounds, and if you are anxiously attached you also have to learn to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and comfort yourself. The past is over and you cannot change it, but the future has not yet occurred.

    Do you want to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend? You decide. I know my answer.

  • Unreasonable Boss? 8 Ways to Honor Yourself in a Toxic Workplace

    Unreasonable Boss? 8 Ways to Honor Yourself in a Toxic Workplace

    “Good bosses care about getting important things done. Exceptional bosses care about their people.” ~Jeff Haden

    “I’ll need you to log your work down to the minute on this spreadsheet,” she said pointing to my computer where an elaborate timesheet was swallowing up my entire screen.

    I looked up at her, confused—nope, more like utterly stunned. Was she for real? My body seemed to know before my mind that I’d just entered some sort of workplace twilight zone.

    I had a sinking feeling in my gut, and it was sounding some sort of alarm deep in my chest, making my heart do somersaults. She was serious. Clearly the shock was holding my throat hostage because all I could muster was a single word…

    “Okay,” I replied quietly, and off she went, oblivious to the impact her passive aggressive requests were having on me.

    I had just returned to work from maternity leave, and with three children aged six and under at home, I needed some flexibility in my work schedule.

    I was clocking in while it was still dark outside, long before anyone else so I could get home to my little ones with enough time for quality cuddles before tucking them in for the night.

    I was trying to achieve motherhood level 100 while still trying to conquer my career. Did I mention I was also pursuing my second master’s degree? Yes, I was on a mission to prove that I could still do it all.

    Of course, I knew “doing it all” was the age-old battle of every modern woman trying to be equal parts supermum and Sheryl Sandberg, but despite my husband’s very real concerns, I was doing it all.

    In fact, I was working harder, longer, and smarter than most people in my department because, like most mothers returning to work, I had that unshakable guilt inside telling me that I had to prove I was bringing my very best and not taking advantage of my “mum status.”

    So when my new line manager insisted on tracking my every move, decision, and waking moment I was utterly confused. I mean, there I was, delivering the project deliverables and meeting each and every deadline, and her biggest worry was that she wasn’t squeezing every possible work minute out of me?

    So, I did what so many of us do to prove our value to a superior: I went above and beyond to show her I was worthy of my pay no matter what it took. But the more I gave, the more she pushed, until finally, late one night, after yet another night of venting to my poor, put-upon husband, I found myself sprawled out on my living room floor, no longer able to hold back the tears.

    I was broken like a shattered glass. I realized that I had allowed her constant micromanaging to bring me to the brink, and that no matter what I did, she was never going to stop.

    My health was suffering. My relationships were suffering. I was suffering. I went from optimistic, happy, and loving my job to moody, stressed, and miserable. I dreaded going into this space where I never felt good enough.

    Work had begun to feel like a torture chamber. A place where the person charged with helping me succeed at my job was slowly but methodically chipping away at my confidence, and it was spilling over into my personal life.

    I finally accepted the reality: I had allowed her actions to steal my joy, and it was breaking my heart with every passing day. I felt so defeated.

    It became very clear to me that she didn’t seem to trust me, and seemed to like me even less. I was at a loss for what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t survive in this environment for much longer, so I had to figure something out.

    I went on a mission to remove the poison that had engulfed my workplace experience and bring the light back into my life. Because the truth was that in that moment I couldn’t leave my job. For now, at least, I had to deal with her and I had to find a way to cope, no matter what.

    So I went on a journey to figure out what I could do to honor myself and my happiness, because as far as I was concerned, suffering was completely optional.

    I had a family that needed me to get back to the old me. And frankly, I needed that too. I needed to survive my unreasonable boss. I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you have your own unreasonable boss whose overwhelming negative energy is causing problems in your life.

    I’m here to share with you the eight tools I used to get through one of the hardest times in my life so you can conquer your own “horrible boss.”

    1. Find your community and ask for help.

     Dealing with an unreasonable boss sometimes takes an army, or in my case a community, to survive.

    The truth is with any toxic relationship, whether it’s your boss or someone else, you go through a period of wondering, “Wait, am I just absolutely crazy that I feel this way? Is it all in my head? Am I silly for letting this mess with my emotions?”

    I needed someone to give me perspective. Someone safe who would give me the space to explore, without judgment, what I was feeling–an objective observer who could reflect back to me what I was really experiencing.

    What’s interesting is that even when you feel all alone, you’ll often find that you’re still surrounded by amazing people willing to help you weather the storm. I found that safety net in friends, family, and colleagues, in and outside of work, who were all willing to lend an ear.

    They were quite incredible really, offering advice and helping me figure out where things may have gone wrong. They allowed me to express my anger, frustration, and even let me cry. More than anything, though, they were objective and honest with me, gently leading me toward making the right moves for dealing with my boss.

    In their own unique ways, all of these people were empathetic and supportive. They were the break in the ocean keeping these waves of intensity from knocking me out cold.

    If you are at a loss for whom to turn toward, though, you can always turn inward. Journal about what you’re experiencing. Journaling often allows us to work through our issues on the page. And, of course, there are always tons of wonderful mental health professionals who can help give you a safe space to talk.

    2. Make relaxing rituals a part of your “job.”

     Being in a workplace with such high-pressure demands meant I was under a lot of stress. Sadly, there were days that I found myself bringing my boss’s energy home with me. The conflicts of the day ran wild through my mind, and the fear of not meeting my boss’s demands left me in constant flight or fight mode.

    My anxiety was high. I knew that I needed to create rituals that would help me break away from work and make my free time mine again. Because here’s the thing: Our wind-down time is when our minds and bodies recalibrate and restore, which is especially important when you’ve spent eight hours in a toxic work environment.

    In fact, I came to think of relaxing as a part of my job like meeting a deadline or completing a daily task. Because relaxation can do so much for honoring your health, including lowering blood pressure and heart rate, reducing anxiety, and improving mild depression.

    For me, a long warm bath was my me-time. But relaxation can come in so many forms: reading, yoga, a brisk walk, listening to your favorite Adele tune, watching a hilarious comedy, meditation, mindfulness, T’ai Chi, Chi Kung, or even spending time laughing with loved ones.

    Whatever it is, make it a big part of your self-care routine, and you’ll start to preserve your sanity in the midst of your workplace chaos.

    3. Let physical activity soothe and re-energize you.

    While I was dealing with my manager, there was one thing that helped me release all of the extra adrenaline I had running through my body: running. Throwing on my sneakers and hitting a long path lined with big, beautiful trees was one of my favorite things to do. Not only was it another form of relaxing me-time, it released the endorphins that I was desperately in need of at this time.

    Endorphins are feel-good hormones, released through physical activity, that elevate our moods. Hacking into your happy chemicals with exercise is an incredible way to combat a stressful work environment.

    Physical activity can be any number of things: dancing, trampoline jumping, cycling, baseball, skateboarding, or just simply going for a run. If you can find a community to do this with, like a team or running group, even better!

    4. Focus on the big picture of abundance.

    It’s true that the little things remind us how insignificant some of the tougher things in our lives are.

    Have you ever stared out at the stars on a quiet night and for a brief moment remembered how truly tiny you are in this great big universe? It’s in those moments that we’re reminded that the harmful energy of one bad boss, in the grand scheme of things, is really insignificant.

    We realize that it’s only a blip in our long lives on this earth, and that knowledge and perspective brought me peace.

    Finding these types of moments in our lives is so crucial. It can be found in so many unexpected places and moments. For me, I found it with my loved ones—my wonderful husband, six-year-old giggly daughter, four-year-old full-of-beans son, and two-year-old love-bug baby girl. They all kept me busy and grounded and reminded me that work was such a small part of this amazing life I was leading.

    There were other parts of my life that deserved my attention and energy as well, and that reminder helped me re-center over and over again.

    There are so many things that can bring these awe-inspiring moments fully into focus during a difficult work phase in your life: volunteering with those less fortunate; creative outlets like painting, sewing, or cooking, camping; or any activity that brings you into nature. These are not only distractions from a difficult work environment, but also reminders that life is fun, beautiful, and worthy of your attention.

    5. Feed your calm, not your stress.

    Dealing with a passive-aggressive, micro-managing boss meant not only dealing with a lot of stress, but also with tons of anxiety. And with lots of anxiety, sometimes my automatic reaction was to self-soothe with Ben & Jerry’s.

    Yes, I know we’ve all been there, that point of utter disappointment where all we can think to do is dive headfirst into the cookie jar.

    This is where being a health professional helps. I knew using food to manage my stress and deal with my emotional issues would be a slippery slope. On top of that, foods like ice cream and cookies would only make my plummeting moods worse.

    Here’s the thing: a sugary snack or baked goodie will send your blood sugar on a wild rollercoaster, which will further negatively affect your stress, anxiety, and depression. I was already dealing with one mood-enhancing rollercoaster (my boss!) I didn’t need to make things worse with my diet.

    I made a plan to eat in a way that supported my stress relief by eating foods that kept my blood sugar on an even keel. I incorporated whole grain products like brown rice, protein, and berries, and avoided stimulants like caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine, which could make mood swings worse.

    I also increased my omega-3 intake, which has been proven to reduce feelings of sadness, pessimism, indifference, sleeplessness, and low libido. You can find omega-3s in some pretty yummy foods like seafood, walnuts, flaxseed, and leafy green vegetables.

    6. Worship at the altar of sleep, because it’s sacred.

    With three kids, and a fourth in the form of a grouchy boss, I spent many sleepless nights stressed out. My mind would be constantly racing. The more I lost sleep, the worse things would be for me the next day.

    I grew more and more irritable and angry, and was just plain exhausted, which meant going to work the next morning to face my boss was getting more difficult.

    Lack of sleep meant my filters were down, and my ability to balance my mood was completely compromised. Basically, no sleep = falling into a spiral of self-loathing even at the smallest criticism from a difficult boss.

    “Switching off” the stress to get a good night’s sleep can be difficult, but making it a priority can make the difference between a good day or a bad day at work.

    A few things that help include trying to keep a regular sleep cycle (sleeping and waking at the same time every day) and avoiding stimulating activities before bed like TV, tablets, computers, or phones. The light given off by these devices suppress melatonin, which supports sleep.

    You can also include a night-time routine that helps you get into a relaxed state, like an end of day warm bath, a massage from your partner, aromatherapy, or a night-time meditation that lets you release tension.

    7. Take a step back and handle what’s yours.

    When we’re in a difficult circumstance like I was with my boss, we can spend a lot of time in our heads trying to figure it all out. I would always wonder, “Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something differently?”

    The reality was that I could keep spinning my wheels trying to figure it out, but not everything was in my control. I learned to take a step back, reflect, and objectively look at the situation. I identified the real stressors I was facing, and then I went about the business of figuring out what was in my control and what wasn’t.

    What wasn’t in my control I accepted and tried my best to let go of, but what was in my control I approached head on.

    I looked at whether or not my coping strategies were effective and whether any strategies from past experiences could be modified to fit this situation. I also kept a close eye on my self-talk. It’s so incredibly easy to fall into negative self-talk, but I made it my mission to be kind to myself. I gave myself plenty of positive pep talks and pats on the back for any small victory. Make sure that you are doing the same to help combat stressful situations.

    8. Make the right moves, confidently. 

    Ultimately, your happiness and health should always at the top of your priority list. If you can’t deal with the situation with your difficult boss using any of the above, then it’s time to deal with the problem in the healthiest way possible.

    In my case, I did everything I could to remedy the situation on my own, by explaining to my boss the impact her behavior was having on me and by going through grievance channels at work, which meant mediation with my boss through Human Resources, for example. But in the end, I knew that staying in the situation was causing too much harm.

    When the opportunity came up to take voluntary redundancy, I jumped at it, and I spent some time with my family while I figured out my next steps. Building an exit strategy that puts you first is always something to applaud. Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves doesn’t look like the most practical, but it’ll save us years of heartache, stress, and ultimately, bad health.

    —

    These eight strategies helped me move through a toxic environment with a little more ease. What I came to find out, though, was that my boss was dealing with some of her own stress that she was bringing to the workplace. She was projecting her personal problems onto me, the mother with three children who seemed to “have it all.”

    She was roping me into carrying the burden of her issues in these micro-aggressions of control she was laying on me. Because of this, the truth is, I was never going to win her over, and I’d venture to guess that whatever is pushing your boss to keep you down is something you may never be able to fix either. Just remember that you are not required to carry someone else’s baggage.

    Your health matters, which is why I hope these tips help you find peace and health on your journey.

  • How to Calm Your Mind Without Sitting to Meditate

    How to Calm Your Mind Without Sitting to Meditate

    “Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

    Sitting meditation has always been challenging for me; practicing mindfulness, even harder.

    As a self-confessed worrywart who has contended with constant ruminations, flashbacks, and nightmares for most of my life (more on this later), all prior attempts at being fully present and not thinking merely served as reminders of how little control I had over my mind. Then I took up hiking and stumbled upon a form of meditation that literally transformed my life.

    Initially, just being out in nature on scenic trails cultivated calmness and cleared my head. Almost immediately, I realized that hiking provided a respite from intrusive thoughts that have plagued me since I was a tyke.

    They include flashbacks of my mother’s numerous suicide attempts in our decrepit Chinatown apartment, my father’s drunken rages, and recurring images of shootings, savage beatings, and other gory crime scenes from my gangbanging days.

    Ruminations include the sound of gunfire along with the replaying in my head of toxic utterances in Cantonese that translate to “Giving birth to you was my biggest mistake,” “I wish you were never born,” and my own father yelling “You bastard!”

    Somehow, walking in nature enabled my mind to slow down and rest, which felt liberating.

    Unfortunately, the novelty soon wore out. Merely walking and hiking wasn’t enough to prevent symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress from returning. I reverted to rehashing the past and worrying obsessively about the future.

    However, I had gotten a taste of the benefits of mindfulness meditation and discovered that it can be practiced while engaging in an activity I enjoyed. These revelations motivated me to keep at it.

    After reading what was available on walking meditation, which typically advise focusing on the flow of our “in” and “out” breaths, I developed my own techniques for practicing mindful walking and hiking.

    My favorite is to look ahead and select a destination point or object and stay focused on it. It can be a shadow on the ground, boulder, bush, tree, manhole cover, light pole, store awning, mailbox, and so on. Once I reached it, I chose another landmark or object, usually a little further away.

    Rough or uneven trails forced me to concentrate on each step for safety reasons. My brain automatically blocked out discursive thoughts; otherwise I could slip, trip, or fall. Other techniques I came up with include fully feeling the ground of each step, following the flight pattern of birds and insects, observing cloud patterns, and being conscious of sounds and scents—moment to moment.

    Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh, often called “Thay,” which means “teacher” in Vietnamese, is revered throughout the world for his teachings and writings on mindfulness and peace.

    He has brought the practice into institutions, including maximum-security prisons, helping inmates attain calmness and inner peace while being confined up to twenty-four hours daily. Many of them have professed that mindfulness meditation is the most difficult endeavor they have ever engaged in.

    We live in a culture where many of us want quick results with as little effort as possible. This applies to how we approach our work, health, pastimes, social interactions, and problems. This mindset is the antithesis of mindfulness.

    In my opinion, it is virtually impossible to tackle mindfulness meditation without patience and discipline. Fortunately, these attributes can be enhanced by engaging in the art itself.

    When I started mindful walking and hiking, my ability to stay present was measured in feet and seconds.

    As a highly competitive, emotionally undisciplined, and impatient person, I could have easily succumbed to my frustrations and given up. But the short periods of calmness and inner peace I attained—supplemented by my stubbornness—provided the necessary resolve for me to stick with the program.

    As I continued my mindfulness “training,” catching my mind when it wandered occurred sooner, and the ability to refocus took less effort. Using kind, positive messages such as “rest” and “focus” was more effective than phrases such as “don’t wander” and “don’t think.”

    Insight and mindfulness meditation are usually practiced separately. Personally, when I am procrastinating about something or seeking a solution to a problem, ideas and answers usually emerge effortlessly during or immediately following my walks and hikes.

    These epiphanies and aha moments tend to be inspired by kindness and compassion, as opposed to ego.

    I was severely beaten by a rival gang member as a teen. For over forty years, I suffered nightmares, flashbacks, and ruminations of the attack. Both conventional and unconventional modalities of therapy failed to provide much relief.

    One morning, I was enjoying a relaxing hike when the familiar image of my attacker suddenly appeared. For the very first time, I remained calm and found myself viewing my lifelong enemy as a kindred spirit. I saw him as someone like me, most likely abused as a child, who desperately sought empowerment by joining gangs.

    This awakening, along with my spiritual practice, enabled me to cultivate compassion and forgiveness. The nightmares and flashes of the attack ceased at that point and have not returned.

    Mindfulness can be practiced pretty much anywhere and at any time. I do it first thing in the morning when I wake up while still lying in bed, in the kitchen, in the shower, at my desk, and most recently while getting dental work done.

    Whether I devote a few seconds by pausing and taking a deep belly breath—or hiking for several hours—benefits are reaped.

    As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, practicing mindfulness has transformed my life. With a family history of mental illness and a violent upbringing, I have been diagnosed and treated for multiple mood disorders, including manic depression, post-traumatic stress, addiction, and rage.

    My mindfulness practice has empowered me to rest and calm my mind, as well as intercept and suppress negative thoughts. It serves as a powerful coping mechanism for me.

    For the majority of my life, I was at the mercy of gambling urges and other cravings. When I encounter them now, I pause, acknowledge what is happening, take a few deep breaths, focus on my surroundings, and allow the urges to pass.

    Staying relaxed enables me to respond instead of react, which places me in a better position to reflect and gain insight into the underlying issues that triggered the desire to self-medicate.

    My mood is much more stable and I have better control of my emotions. The benefits I received from mindful walking and hiking has inspired me to practice it throughout the day.

    I used to loathe driving because of my road rage. I was terrified of myself, often wondering when I left the house if I would end up in jail or the morgue. My level of stress rose in proportion to the amount of traffic I encountered.

    Practicing mindfulness meditation in the car keeps me mellow as well as alert. I have become a patient and compassionate driver, smiling at other motorists and limiting use of the horn for safety purposes. Another insight I gained is that my past aggressive behavior on and off the road attracted like-minded people.

    The mental discipline I gained also enabled me to embrace Buddhism, which has interested, yet eluded me for many years. All of this empowers me to attain and maintain equanimity. Now, I can even sit and meditate for long periods without feeling restless or irritable.

    So for those who find sitting meditation challenging, or for individuals seeking different ways to practice mindfulness, I recommend mindful walking and hiking.

    Not only is it a fun way to quiet the mind while getting some exercise, but it can be life-changing—helping us let go of worries, stress, tension, and even the most painful memories from the past.

  • Lost Everything? 8 Tips to Help You Get Back on Your Feet

    Lost Everything? 8 Tips to Help You Get Back on Your Feet

    “Tough times never last, but tough people do.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    About two years ago, I was working in a professional career that I had been building for nearly twenty years.

    I had been at my company for thirteen years, and had been generally commended and given positive reviews and regular bonuses and raises for most of that time.

    I had just left a terrible and traumatic relationship, and due to two years of criticism, gaslighting, and conflict, was experiencing severe depression. I was on medication that made it hard for me to focus and which gave me anxiety attacks.

    My manager let me know that I was on probation at work, something that had never happened to me in my entire career.

    One of the few lights in my life was an arts community that I had been very active in for several years, and I had just applied for a volunteer position working for the overseeing organization, which meant a great deal to me.

    Though every day seemed like an incredible struggle, I was trying to pull things back together, do better at work, get on different medication, and continue to heal from the trauma of the relationship. I felt down but not out. I felt I was on the cusp of something.

    It turns out I was right, but that the cusp wasn’t the something I thought it was.

    I was informed I didn’t get the volunteer position. Gossip tells me part of that was due to me sharing on Facebook how I was feeling in my depression and recovery from trauma.

    Due to “performance issues” stemming from my severe depression and anxiety, as well as institutional problems not of my making, and despite the fact that I told my manager that I was in treatment for depression, I was fired from my job (ironically, this company was a psychology-focused media company, run by a psychologist) and walked out of the office by co-workers with boxes of my stuff.

    I wasn’t even allowed to gather information for the professional contacts I had made and nurtured. Meanwhile, I was still experiencing PTSD symptoms from the abuse in my relationship. And then, a relationship I had entered into a year after the breakup, which in retrospect was not a good decision for me at the time, ended. Though we’re still friends, the breakup was very hard for me, especially on top of everything else.

    I felt I had just been forced to set up housekeeping in Rejection City; like everything I had been working for had crashed and burned, all at the same time. My feelings of self-worth and competence took a major dive. My identity as a successful, professional woman was crushed.

    As a result of losing my job, I lost my health insurance, including mental health care, and had to stop taking my medication. I couldn’t pay my mortgage on the house I had bought when I was making decent money. I fought for a year to get back on my feet, got on Medi-cal, the state-sponsored insurance, and worked with my mortgage company through incredible frustration and red-tape.

    I was determined that I was not going to collapse into a pile of sorrow, though that’s what I desperately wanted to do on most days.

    I walked away from the arts community, which I realized wasn’t supportive of me or my efforts, and walked away from most people except the ones in my life who I knew to be steadfast in their support and care. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone except the few people who had always been there for me. I spent most of my days alone, worrying and fretting, and numbing myself when I could.

    That was about fifteen months ago.

    I’m now still in my home, working part-time, studying, networking, working with a career coach, and am on the edge of starting my own marketing business in a new industry, while also taking on freelance clients. This is the cusp life was preparing me for, way back then, though I didn’t know it.

    How do we get back on our feet and forge a new, even better path when life kicks us off the one we were on? Here are some tips:

    1. Allow time to grieve.

    This is really important. I had to take the time to sit with what had happened, to cry and get angry and talk to my close friends about my feelings, and to work through the sense of betrayal in many ways. I couldn’t afford therapy, so I just talked to myself when I was alone, which was a lot of the time. After about nine months, I finally reached a point where I made a conscious choice to move on from swimming in sadness and resentment.

    Rumination is normal in this kind of situation, though eventually, you’ll need to stop. But at first, sit with all those awful feelings and be your own best friend. Acknowledge them, know they’re normal, and be there for yourself in this difficult transition. If you journal: journal. If you create: create. If you walk: walk. Do what works for you to get centered again.

    2. Remember that things won’t always be this way.

    When I thought I was going to lose everything I had tried to build, I panicked. I felt like I was sinking, and had nothing to grab on to. It was really scary, and I had more than one panic attack in the middle of the night. But as I kept working for what I wanted, things calmed down and I could see that, though the waves were choppy, I wasn’t going to sink.

    The ship will right itself, once it’s time. Think of it like a painful breakup. You (hopefully) know that you’ll get over the sadness and all the other hard feelings. Practice mindfulness of your thoughts, and compassionately bring yourself back to the present when you start to feel that despair that your life has been destroyed. What has been destroyed is an old way of being; the intense feelings mean you are still very much alive.

    3. Know that things won’t go back to “the way they were,” and this is okay.

    One thing I knew instinctively right away is that I didn’t want to do the same thing I’d been doing for nearly twenty years, and I certainly didn’t want anyone ever again to have the hold over me that my old company, my ex, or the arts community had.

    I spent (am still) spending a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do next and how I can hold power over my experiences in my own hands without giving that power away to anyone else.

    Explore your own interests: What really lights you up? Now is the chance to do that thing! Try not to get derailed by “what ifs” or worries that your dreams aren’t realistic. There are ways to do what you want to do. Brainstorm, talk to compassionate people who know you well, ask yourself questions, observe what you enjoy doing or who you want to be around and ask yourself: Can I do this more?

    4. Use language carefully.  

    When all this happened, somehow I knew that I didn’t want to introduce myself—or to think of myself—as someone who had just lost everything. I would tell people who asked me what I did for a living that I ran a freelance business, even before this was true, and often consoled myself with the fact that I was strong enough to walk away from a bad relationship.

    Think of empowering ways to describe your new reality, and use them, even when you think thoughts to yourself. Feeling sad, worried, angry, stressed, and regretful is normal. But you need to create a link between yourself and your new future. Using the language of growth and new opportunities will help you when it’s time to start taking steps to move forward.

    5. Network and connect.

    I needed to work to pay my bills, and wasn’t getting any of the professional-level jobs I was applying for, so after many months of 4am wakings worrying about money, I posted to Facebook about what I had to offer in terms of skills, and a friend offered me a job. I’m very grateful, and, though it’s not what I had been doing, I can use the skills I have, can learn new things, and it has given me some breathing room to set myself up in life again.

    Even if you don’t need a new job as I did, you may still need a new community or new friends. The important thing is to figure out what happened that wasn’t working, and to pursue new paths, not to just do the same things you were doing before.

    There are so many opportunities to meet new people online and through community organizations. Identify the people you need in your life to help you get back on your feet, and go to them. And don’t forget to keep connecting with people in your life who are encouraging, welcoming, and compassionate.

    6. Make your main priority taking care of you.

    To the extent you can, make sure you’re taking good care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Move your body. Allow time to rest and relax and enjoy the things you love. Take naps. Spend time with people who uplift you, not ones who tear you down.

    One thing I finally allowed myself to realize is that I was incredibly burned out and stressed at my old job, which likely contributed to the depression. Now I understand that, as I move forward, I am not interested in a new life where stress accompanies me every day, and a job where the goalposts are constantly being moved. This was an important realization as I explore ways to make a living.

    What does your experience teach you about what’s important to your well-being, and how can you create a new life where well-being is a priority?

    7. Ask for help.

    I am very lucky to have family and friends close by who were and are able to be there for me in many important ways, including financially. I was able to get back on a medication that worked by going to a family friend who is a doctor, and who agreed to see me at no cost. This was vital to my turnaround. If it weren’t for my support network, I’d still be depressed and would probably have lost my home.

    Hopefully, you have people in your life who are supportive and kind, and you also have other resources, whether it’s an alumni group of your college, a local job resource center, a library, or friends who are connected to different networks that might be able to help.

    Think about what you need in order to get to where you want to go, and ask for help from those around you who can help. It’s not embarrassing to need help from others. A drowning person doesn’t reject a flotation device that a rescuer throws into the water!

    8. Learn from the experience.

    Though I had been through a lot of painful situations in my life, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a year as awful as that year. Part of my recovery was to sift through everything that happened and figure out what went wrong, including my own contribution to the situations. When we make meaning out of our experiences, we recovery more quickly. When we feel we have no control over a situation, we tend to feel depressed and hopeless.

    Whether you journal, talk to a therapist, talk to supportive friends, or just think, be brave enough to look at the situation and understand how, going forward, you can prevent a similar thing from happening again.

    Do you need to choose your friends or relationships more carefully? Do you need to avoid certain employment situations? Do you need to change some of your own habits? Once you’ve understood what happened, you’ll have the tools to create a new kind of life for yourself.

  • Why Surrendering to Life is the Key to Positive Change

    Why Surrendering to Life is the Key to Positive Change

    “Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    “Surrender” in current colloquial language equals failure. According to the Oxford Dictionary, without an object, surrender means to “stop resisting to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.” With an object, it gets even worse: “Give up or hand over (a person, right, or possession), typically on compulsion or demand.”

    How then can surrender be the key to joy?

    At age thirty, I was defeated by life. Down for the count. But, I did not get back up on my feet until I surrendered.

    I had led a charmed life until then. I got into every college to which I applied and went to my top choice. I graduated summa cum laude and got into a similarly impressive grad school, where I also graduated at the top of my class.

    After a White House internship, I landed a job at a top investment bank and had moved to an equally prestigious consulting firm. I had lived in and traveled to dozens of countries. I was a winner.

    Or was I? Life had thrown me a string of curveballs: health problems, friend problems, romantic problems, professional problems.

    While, to an outsider, I might have appeared to be “living the dream,” the “dream” entailed eighty-plus hour workweeks and constant travel. After a few years of this, my life had totally unraveled, and after knowing nothing but success, I encountered nothing but failure.

    The stress and over-work likely contributed to a string of illnesses, hospitalizations, and surgeries.

    I was exhausted after more than ten years of sleeping on average less than five hours a night, and my weight had yo-yoed drastically.

    My partner of three years had left me, telling me, to boot, that it was essentially never “a real thing” to begin with anyway. A second equally intense relationship ended in a similar way.

    All of this happened when I was living as far away from my hometown as you can get on the globe, and after being so busy for so long, I had almost no one to turn to where I was living. I was completely untethered.

    I just wanted it all to end, to make the pain go away. One day, I literally found myself on the floor with a bottle of pills in my hand, contemplating suicide. I almost followed through, but something happened, or actually, a lot of somethings did.

    One of the very first somethings that happened was that I became aware of the self-talk in my head and was able to disassociate from it, listening to it as a separate entity.

    Perhaps its most recurring commentary was some version of “this isn’t how it was supposed to happen.” I had achieved so much so early in life and worked so hard. I should have been rich. Happy. Successful. Instead, I was a mess.

    It was all these “shoulds” that almost killed me because they left me stuck in a mental construct of my own making, set up in opposition to what was actually happening.

    At the beginning of a long recovery process, perhaps the key moment came when I was able, however briefly at first, to occupy a reality without these shoulds and instead face whatever was at that particular moment.

    It was only later that I was able to grasp the significance of that first moment of surrender. Surrender is not giving up on life but giving up fighting with life. And, when you’re not fighting with it, you’re working with life.

    At first, our moral sense is offended by this. In a totally just world, there are a lot of things that should be. People should be nice to each other. Good things should happen to good people. But, if we take this to its logical conclusion, we’re all born innocent, so shouldn’t everyone just get what he or she wants? Shouldn’t only good things happen to everyone?

    Beyond the facts that what is “good” is often in the eye of the beholder, and the “goodness” of what appears to be a “bad” or painful or unfair event is often not revealed until later, all of these good things that should happen are far beyond our control.

    However, there are a lot of shoulds we can control. We can control our own actions and reactions (while of course allowing ourselves to err). We can act in this world how we should according to our own convictions.

    This is how surrendering, far from waving the white flag, becomes the ultimate tool for empowerment and positive action.

    When I was able to stop wallowing in the unfairness of what life dealt me and all of the shoulds that never came to be, my mind was free from the rumination and recrimination that led me into that deep state of depression.

    When I stopped fighting with my situation, my scope and options for positive action became clear, and at that point I was in full control of the little space in life that I actually could control—me.

    I stopped questioning the situation in which I found myself. Some of it was unfair, the result of what I took to be other people’s unjust actions, but at the same time, a lot of it was the result of my own actions, as well as pure chance. While I learned some lessons looking backward, the key to my recovery was accepting where I was and look forward to how to get myself out of it.

    My immediate action was to seek help, first from friends and then from a therapist, something I would have previously stigmatized as self-indulgent. Overcoming the shame of that opened the floodgates of what was possible for me, and everything was up for grabs.

    Within six months of that, I changed so many of the things that were not working for me—my job, my location and my relationships. I crafted a life that worked for me rather than fighting the one that wasn’t.

    By dropping the shoulds, I am now able, in my clear-thinking moments, to act without opposition from life and more quickly move to consider my course of action.

    Not only has this been emotionally liberating, but I know I have made countless better decisions as a result. Each day there are a thousand little victories, all thanks to surrender.

    The logic neat and simple, but the practice is difficult. I get confused and caught up and stuck, but the state of surrender is progressively becoming more and more of my natural default. Some of the lessons and tips I’ve learned to get to this place that I would recommend:

    1. Allow yourself to vent—up to a point.

    As imperfect beings, total, ongoing, and permanent surrender is unrealistic. We will feel negative emotions about experiences not meeting our expectations, and we need to allow ourselves to feel those feelings. It often helps to express them to a sympathetic ear. To a point.

    Venting of negative emotions is useful insofar as it allows us to liberate ourselves of them. However, prolonged or frequent venting can also lend momentum to these feelings. It can actually serve to build up opposition to life by hardening feelings of injury and strengthening those shoulds.

    So, pay attention to your venting. Is it releasing the negative energy around opposition to life, or is it adding to that energy? If you’re the one listening to the venting, ask yourself the same question of the person doing it. If the venting is adding to the negative energy of the situation, consider trying to divert that energy toward something positive and creative.

    2. Remind yourself that surrender is not giving up.

    At the beginning of this blog post I deliberately focused on the commonly used definition and connotations of surrender because of the strong biases language can impart on our subconscious thought.

    Prior to my own awakening, my brief forays into new age thinking and the new consciousness had always ended up with me dismissing it all as a bunch of hokey-ness that turned people into vegetables. If they were always just so accepting of what happened, how could they ever actually accomplish anything difficult or messy or complex?

    I still sometimes revert back to this thinking, but then I recall: surrender is not giving up on life but on fighting with life. Indeed, not surrendering to reality—questioning the fairness, goodness, or logic of the present moment—is crippling. You’re saying “no” to reality: “No, but that’s not fair! It’s not right!” Okay maybe that’s true, but where can you go from there?

    Surrender is saying “yes.” “Yes, I accept that this is a terrible situation, and the way I can make it better is…” This is how surrender becomes the key to taking positive action and frees us from so many of the negative emotions that we strengthen by opposing reality. We don’t say that what’s happening is okay, but we accept that it’s happening and move onto what we can do about it.

    3. Be the happy warrior.

    It’s something of an oxymoron, but the “happy warrior” tends to be more effective vs. the angry warrior, or, what we see more commonly, the person plodding along with grim determination. In fact, the war imagery probably misses the mark altogether, but we all can relate to the happy warrior type, so let’s stick with it.

    When we haven’t surrendered to reality and are still fighting it, negative emotions are inevitable, and we are, by definition, engaging in a futile endeavor. In this case, we become the angry warrior or the grimly determined one. That was me for so many years—I hunkered down, determined to endure all of life’s slings and arrows, all the while missing the joy of the journey.

    Maya Angelou once said, “What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.” If you’re still complaining or not accepting the reality, how can you change that reality? You’re probably still stuck in the complaining phase.

    That aura of negativity or hopelessness that comes with a failure to surrender is, to be blunt, a real turn off for most people. If you want to be the change you want to see in this world and inspire others to a cause, the angry warrior type is probably not going to work.

    This is vitally important in these times of so much social strife, and as fundamental questions of what kind of society we want to be arise every day. Eckhart Tolle has addressed this very point when talking about “angry peace activists” and agents of change.

    Think about some of the most socially impactful figures in the last 100 years—Martin Luther King Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Mother Theresa—these are happy warriors.

    Their optimism was infectious in winning people to the cause, and this optimism stemmed from accepting reality as it was and moving on immediately to the “how do we change this?” phase. They began by surrendering.

    Remember the Buddha. While sitting beneath the tree of knowledge, he was able to turn all of Mara’s arrows into flowers and remain in a state of equanimity. In a sense, you too can do that by not turning the obstacles that life puts in your way into personal affronts against you.

    When you accept what life gives you—when you surrender—you avoid creating all of the negativity that rejection entails. You do not disrupt your own peace. From that place of peace, you can affect change.

    In my journey, I eventually wasn’t able to continue fighting life, brought down into depression by the impact of all of those arrows. Nowadays, I can’t say that I immediately accept all that comes my way, but my willingness to surrender to life, if not turning the arrows into flowers, certainly makes the journey more joyful.

    And, when you have joy, you are more likely to achieve the end you seek, or better yet, find peace in the journey regardless of the destination.

    It all starts with surrender.

  • How to React Calmly in Stressful or Frustrating Situations

    How to React Calmly in Stressful or Frustrating Situations

    “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” ~Unknown

    Working in an office requires us to spend more time with our co-workers than anyone in our personal life. How those co-workers act can have a big impact on us. Noticing a co-worker’s interactions during a recent marketing job gave me insight into how I react in stressful or frustrating situations outside the office.

    My cubicle sat next to a team of individuals who were required to be on the phone nearly every minute they were at their desks. It seemed unimaginable to me that a person could work this way day after day.

    I could listen to their conversations as I worked, and was impressed with their finesse at handling difficult conversations, or tact when delivering unfavorable news to their clients on the other end of the phone. I sincerely admired their talents.

    One particular day evoked a light-bulb moment for me. A young man named Dan was frustrated with the person he was speaking with on the phone. He stepped into the break room and unloaded his frustration loudly, with hand gestures, a flushed face, pacing, and a string of not-so-kind words.

    I didn’t think anything of this type of behavior. To me, it seemed like a natural reaction. It was only after he left the room that I realized no one else saw the situation this way.

    I listened to my friends talk about this young man’s behavior as unprofessional and imbalanced. It even caused them to question his worth as a team member. They expressed how this had happened in the past and how he obviously had some problems.

    Wow. I knew I had behaved this same way many times in the past.

    After that, I started noticing how I reacted to difficult situations. I realized that when my peers were complaining about work, management, co-workers, etc., I took on those feelings. I also could react similar to Dan did when I was frustrated with something I couldn’t control.

    I could see it in my home life too. I realized that my reactions to small life occurrences were much more pronounced than my boyfriend’s. This caused friction.

    For example, if my boyfriend made a comment about another woman, I would yell, slam doors, and exaggerate about how much the comment had hurt me.

    My behavior made me look small and out of control to my mate. He said nothing after the first time, but after the twentieth time, he didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

    Why did I blow things out of proportion? Looking back, I realize I was feeling vulnerable and scared when I behaved this way.

    How could my responses be more in line with my mate, co-workers, and others? I knew what it was like to be around irritated, riled people, since that was my experience growing up. Not much fun. I didn’t want to be that person for anyone else.

    It helped me to realize I’d been modeling the over-the-top reactions I’d witnessed during my early years. It’s what I’d been taught.

    After asking my friends how they would have handled certain difficult situations, and tuning into myself, I found six techniques that help me react calmly. As a result of applying these ideas, I’m now leading a much happier life.

    1. Train yourself to notice your physical feelings in stressful situations.

    Notice when you start to feel clammy, fidgety, tight in the chest, outside of yourself, or any other physical discomfort. The more you practice noticing how you feel physically, after someone has said something upsetting, for example, the better you will be able to understand and alter your reactions.

    In time, you will be better able to sense when something is emotionally affecting you by noticing the physical manifestations.

    As you feel them, visualize the negative physical feelings running down your body and out your fingertips and toes.

    For instance, your co-worker gets high praise for a project for which you provided key input. You receive nothing. You might notice your breath start to quicken and recognize that this physical reaction is a sign of defensiveness. You could then visualize your breath slowing and the defensiveness running down your body and out your toes.

    2. Be aware of when people around you begin to get upset.

    Once you’ve trained yourself to notice your physical feelings, look outwardly to how others react physically. Is your co-worker speaking more quickly, or does he maybe have a flushed face? Has she started to re-arrange items on her desk, or is she fidgeting in her chair?

    As you become aware of physical behaviors that can signal agitation, dislike, etc., you can train yourself to leave that negative feeling with the person feeling that way.

    That negative feeling is theirs. Let them have it. Don’t engage.

    Visualize the negative feeling as a box, and leave it squarely on the other person’s lap. Think to yourself, “Let go,” then slowly blow out air while thinking, “gooooo.” This is an instant calming technique.

    I eventually became able to use this “box” technique in my relationship with my boyfriend. If he’s upset with me, I now quickly assess whether I’ve been unkind, inconsiderate, judgmental, or whatever he’s accused me of being.

    If I know I have, I own up to it right away and apologize. But if his accusation isn’t true, then I can see his it’s coming from how he’s feeling about himself. If that’s the case, I leave the box with him.

    I try to to help him figure out how he’s feeling. I speak calmly and leave a lot of room for him to speak, so as to be a good listener. But I don’t take on his feelings as my own.

    Remember their feelings are not your “box”—not your problem.

    3. Spend plenty of time quiet and alone.

    Another technique to calm how you react in difficult situations is to build up your bank of quiet, stress-free air. Visualize the air surrounding you when you’re calm, thinking positive thoughts. Give the calm air a color—pale blue, pink, or whatever.

    Now, visualize the air going into a large bank. Test out different amounts of quiet time each week. Maybe for you, ten minutes a day fills up your bank. Maybe thirty minutes of quiet reflection each Saturday is enough to calm you throughout the week. Make it right for you.

    For centuries monks, clergy, nuns, and lay people have practiced silence. When quiet, a person can reflect, re-charge, and center oneself. Each time you sit in silence, remember, you’re depositing more quiet, calm air into your serenity bank.

    4. Commune with nature daily.

    As you hear the quiet, notice the natural breeze and visualize it carrying away any heavy emotions that weigh you down. I guarantee you will start to feel physically lighter as the breeze blows your troubles away.

    Researchers found a decrease in both heart rate and levels of cortisol in subjects in the forest when compared to those in the city (as reported in the Environmental Health and Preventative Medicine).

    Take in nature through your pores so you can carry it with you to that boardroom, with fluorescent lights and stale air.

    5. Journal about worries.

    Journaling through any worries can diffuse negative thoughts. When worry is becoming prominent, first write down the concrete facts of the situation. What do I know for sure? Not what I think may be the case, just the facts. Can you see why this is upsetting to you? Next, write the worst possible outcome.

    After seeing the worst-case scenario, walk through the solutions that are available to you. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt as helpless or worried? Remind yourself how you made it through that situation, and that you’ll find a solution for today’s worry too. If you don’t have time to write, use these same techniques in your thoughts.

    6. Keep your muscles strong.

    We’ve all heard that we release endorphins when we exercise. Let this be a reminder to consciously use these hormones when you need it.

    I find it easier to work out when I think of the emotional benefit I’ll receive from the physical exercise.

    For example, while practicing yoga or Pilates, the stretching, the slow muscle movement, the blood flow to large muscles as they work hard, all bring our thoughts to the present. Focusing on your body movement is a great way to let go of whatever is on your mind.

    —

    It may have taken me four decades to realize I reacted unfavorably because of my early home environment, but I’ll hopefully have four decades to practice a new way of reacting.

    If we foster calm in our lives as much as we can, when a situation occurs, we will have the tools and techniques to react calmly and wisely.

  • How a Terrified, Socially Anxious Guy Became Relaxed and Confident

    How a Terrified, Socially Anxious Guy Became Relaxed and Confident

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Life is hell… or so I thought for most of my thirty-four years.

    My intense social anxiety, an over-the-top and uncontrollable fear of people and social situations, ruined much of my young life. I operated completely alone, living only inside my own head, without even realizing it.

    Now, it’s rare that I’m too afraid to talk to anyone. And I face multiple difficult decisions, discussions, and even confrontations in any given week.

    Just a few years ago, a client could make what I would mistakenly take as an angry comment (even just by email), or someone could look at me funny, and I’d tailspin into a three-day episode of fear, shame, and self-hatred. I’d literally lose sleep over it. Every time an emotional breeze blew, I uprooted and fell over.

    But I no longer struggle like I used to. Similar situations sometimes cause mild anxiety, but often, none at all.

    This transformation surprises me as much as friends who’ve known me for my entire life. How did it happen? Why do I no longer turn every little social cue into a psychological catastrophe?

    I learned three lessons after decades of trial, error, failure, reloading, and trying again. At times, I was filled with hopelessness and despair. Occasionally, suicide appeared a viable way out.

    But somehow I mustered up just enough resolve to keep going. It made no sense that life should be filled with misery exclusively.

    I finally found what worked. Or maybe it found me.

    Here’s what I learned, and the actions I take to hold social anxiety at bay and keep my peace, confidence, and happiness today.

    1. Fear and anxiety always lie, and never serve your best interest.

    I can’t tell you how long I chose to trust and obey my fear of people. I never questioned it. I always assumed the anxiety and fear spoke the truth.

    Both had been present my whole life, after all. Fear and anxiety owned me. And I learned to sink my shoulders, lower my head, shuffle my feet, and do exactly what they said:

    • “Don’t talk to that person! They’ll reject you.”
    • “See the way they’re looking at you? They hate you.”
    • “Forget about asking anyone on a date. You’re a loser. They’ll say ‘no’ anyway.”
    • “You’ll miss the shot (in basketball). You’ll just be a failure. Everyone will laugh.”
    • “You’re stuck. You can’t get anywhere in life. You’ll never amount to anything.”
    • “You’re doomed to a bleak, lonely existence.”
    • “Don’t even try. You know how this ends anyway.”

    These thoughts kept me lonely, isolated, unemployed, and full of self-hatred.

    After years of trying different approaches, and sometimes even the same things, I finally asked myself, “What if everything fear told me was a big, fat lie? What if something different could happen?”

    I realized that my own mind told me the worst possible stuff. It lied outright. So, I learned not to accept my thoughts or feelings as reality.

    Eventually, I started doing exactly what fear told me not to do. At first, I rarely got the outcome I wanted. But slowly, I developed freedom from fear. More good things happened. And life got better.

    I felt more confident. Got married. Bought a house. And enjoyed my work.

    I didn’t think I’d ever have any of those things.

    Acting first, and letting the feelings follow (but not necessarily expecting that change immediately in the moment), works like a charm on fear.

    2. Happiness and confidence come from within, not from anything external.

    I got sucked in by society’s portrayal of happiness.

    Someone owns a massive house, and they seem to have it all. A quarterback tosses a touchdown pass to win the game, and they become an infallible superhero. James Bond always knows what to do and how to win the day.

    Though I didn’t realize it then, for a long time, I thought confidence and happiness came from all this… stuff. After I had one of those externals, I thought, I would feel happy, confident, and good about myself.

    So all my energy went toward pursuing these things. Sometimes ruthlessly, harming others along the way.

    I got a small taste on occasion. But it offered only fleeting happiness. None of it lasted, so I needed another thing from the list to feel happy and confident. And of course, that didn’t work either. On and on it went…

    Where do happiness and confidence come from? Things you can’t buy. Working on yourself.

    This has resulted in much more than just happiness and confidence. I now feel:

    • Satisfied
    • Fulfilled
    • Purposeful
    • Content
    • Grateful

    Compare this to how I felt before:

    • Hopeless
    • Filled with despair
    • Like a fraud/imposter/outsider
    • Guilty
    • Full of self-loathing
    • Regretful

    The comparison’s not even close, really.

    3. Regardless of the extreme power social anxiety has over you, you can become confident and happy.

    During high school and early college, my social anxiety was at its worst.

    I had plenty of excuses for not going to social events. I’d stay in on Friday and Saturday nights. Almost every interaction with a human being, and even just the anticipation of it, triggered shockwaves of social anxiety.

    Making a friend and having a real relationship with them? Not a chance.

    Instead, I’d drink too much at parties. Usually, I wouldn’t remember them. I didn’t want to because of the incredible stress they caused.

    And of course, drinking was really avoidance of intimacy. Long term, it actually increased my anxiety and desire to avoid real interactions with others.

    The more failure I met, the more anxious I became. And the more the social anxiety grew, the less I was able to meet people and make friends.

    Down and down I went, feeling empty and alone the whole way. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I make friends and hold down a job with ease, just like everyone else?

    How do you break that cycle?

    You do the opposite. Create an upward cycle instead. One that works like this:

    Forgiving myself for mistakes, and realizing when I do and don’t have responsibility

    In the past, I would constantly criticize and put myself down whenever things didn’t go “right” (read: my way). I mistakenly believed I had more responsibility for outcomes than I did.

    One time I bumped into a guy’s $100,000 car with a tire I needed fixed. He was screaming and cursing a blue streak at me. I plummeted into guilt and shame.

    These days, I’d take responsibility for the accident, but not for the other person’s feelings. It would be tempting to feel guilty and ashamed. But I could recognize that and share how I felt with someone I trust instead of telling myself how stupid I was.

    Today, I constantly forgive myself for mistakes of any kind, and I let outcomes be what they are.

    Challenging myself to speak up

    For example, let’s say someone disagreed with something I said. Before, I’d immediately get anxious and fearful, and likely wouldn’t stand up for myself.

    Now, instead, I’d pause and think. If I felt strongly about my opinion, I’d continue standing up for myself rather than going along with what the other person said. Nice confidence boost there.

    Or, if a customer service associate refused to offer a refund, socially anxious me would simply take it and go about my way. Now, I’d pause and think, and rather than give in to anxiety, ask to talk to a supervisor. Instead of feeling bad about myself, my confidence would go up.

    Loosening my grip on the things I think I have to have

    My social anxiety constantly wanted control. I had to have the girl, the job, the laugh, or whatever it was.

    I usually didn’t get those things because I was too afraid to try. Or, I did try, but acted from a place of fear and ended up making too many mistakes and chasing those things out of my life.

    I’d get too anxious at work, fearing that my boss would see my mistake. Then I’d second-guess myself, and make more silly mistakes because of that anxiety. Or I’d get too anxious to move a relationship forward, and the girl would pick up on that, then she was gone. If I wanted people to laugh, I’d get so anxious about needing that outcome that I’d forget the joke or say it awkwardly.

    Letting go of control and attachment to my desires has helped me feel more at ease, and far less anxious.

    Accepting what happens, without blaming myself or judging it as “good” or “bad”

    If I have a conversation with a potential client, and they don’t want to work with me, I try not to get upset with myself. My instinct is to feel guilty and ashamed, like I didn’t say the right things necessary to win the business (judging the situation as “bad”).

    Now, I say, ”Well, that didn’t work out. Let’s see. What happened?” Sometimes clients get busy doing other things. Some want to see what they can get from you for free. Other times, clients don’t get the budget they thought they would. And they might move on to another company.

    I accept that I don’t know why the prospect didn’t become a client. I learn from the situation what’s possible based on the evidence available, and let go of the rest.

    Correcting my wrongs with others

    Sometimes in the past, I avoided others. Or, I talked negatively behind their back. And in some cases, I got angry to their face.

    Now, when I fall into these old habits, I waste no time apologizing and doing everything I can to not repeat the wrong in the future. It helps with social anxiety because I have to go directly to the person, face-to-face.

    In cases where I talk negatively behind someone’s back, I correct the wrong with those who heard it instead of avoiding people. This rebuilds the relationship, which melts away social anxiety.

    Sharing the troublesome thoughts spinning around in my head

    The longer anxious thoughts spin around in your head, the more power they get. So today, I share them with people who understand and care. Not a single one has social anxiety, but they all want to see me heal.

    Not blaming others

    When things went wrong because of my social anxiety, like the two jobs I got fired from and the other I quit, I wanted to only look at what the employers did wrong. That didn’t help at all. So today, I look at my part in the situation, even if it’s just 1%.

    When I blame others, I do so because I’m too anxious and afraid to look at myself. I don’t want to experience the embarrassment of seeing what I did wrong. But how can I relieve my anxiety without looking at my own actions?

    When I look at what I did, and take positive action to correct it, I gain confidence because I’ve improved as a person. My struggle with my wrong weakens. Over time, it goes away completely.

    This allows me to take real action to improve my life. Blaming keeps me inactive, and a slave to the same old attitudes.

    Serving others in big and small ways

    I’ve adopted a lifestyle of service. Usually not big things, but I make myself available to help others out with personal problems, quick errands, or whatever it happens to be.

    At first, I served others just to get out of my negative social anxiety. That’s okay at first. With continued practice, you serve others mostly for their gain.

    Practicing self-awareness and working on my actions and reactions

    I don’t have a single tactic that works for fixing or improving other people. Life doesn’t work that way. So, I simply focus on improving myself daily.

    I have a list of thirty character defects. I’m capable of just about any wrong any human can commit, but generally I act on these thirty.

    When tempted to act on one, I pause for a moment and choose a positive action instead. I’ve not had one perfect day yet, but my internal life improves daily. And I feel increasing happiness and connectedness to others as a result.

    Discarding unhealthy mindsets: playing the victim, pitying myself, feeling entitled, or self-righteously judging others

    I played the victim because everyone else got the girlfriend, job, or car first. Because I was anxious and afraid to go for those things, they came much later in life for me than most people.

    Social anxiety caused me great fear, guilt, and shame. I didn’t get the external things when I thought I should, so I felt entitled to compensation for my suffering.

    I’d judge others because truthfully, I didn’t like myself. My self-esteem was through the floor, so I wanted to bring everyone down too.

    Unfortunately, this only increased social anxiety’s power over me because all of these choices kept me separate from others. So when these feelings come up now, I don’t act on them. I don’t even allow myself to think about them. I simply acknowledge their presence and move on.

    —

    My social anxiety wants to weigh me down like an anchor. And it can, if I don’t strictly adhere to the above list. But now, I live in a beautiful upward cycle that leads to happiness. Because these steps work.

    But it takes time to learn and put all this into practice. Sometimes decades.

    Hopefully learning from my experience shaves years of struggle off your growth and enables you to experience happiness, joy, and freedom—starting right now.

  • How I Forgave What I Couldn’t Forget

    How I Forgave What I Couldn’t Forget

    “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom—and forgiveness is a choice.” ~Dr. Suzanne Gelb

    I remember the feeling of blood rushing through my veins, my head pounding, and my heart beating faster. Every time I remembered what happened, I either cried or felt a wave of depression. This guy was someone who’d hurt me in a way that I never thought would happen. His deeds affected my family and me for years afterward.

    It was a complicated mess that he created, but he still managed to overtake the business we’d worked nearly twenty-five years to build. He took from us the ability to get back hundreds of thousands of dollars, some of which we’d been loaned against our home. He stole all this in a highly manipulative way.

    We met this man, a realtor, at my husband John’s parents’ auction. Since the house didn’t sell then, he was able to talk John’s parents into listing their house for sale with his small real estate company.

    Through this time we got to know him and his girlfriend, and shared a few visits with them. We went to their wedding, and he came to John’s dad’s funeral. Soon he and John started talking about how they could work on a big project together, since it involved investing, and more people would mean less money for each to put in.

    John, being a builder, would both invest and work on the construction of dozens of homes. Both the realtor and John would stand to make a good profit.

    The realtor never showed us the paperwork between the developer and the former owner, but he told us that the bank needed four lots as collateral for a loan for the land. We took a loan against our house for the lots, and also borrowed from John’s mom. It was an opportunity of a lifetime. What could go wrong?

    We were excited because this meant continuous work for quite a while, and John’s business stood to make a million or more within two to three years. Finally, we got the break we needed to make the business bigger.

    After investing much time and money, we began to worry about why the homes weren’t selling, and why the realtor always put off paying John.

    We decided to take a drive to the development. Maybe the realtor needed to hire new salespeople who could get something sold.

    While there, I looked at the table full of information on the choices of homes to build, the specs, and the info about the builder. I was shocked to see that the realtor had a new building company named on all the literature we’d provided. It was a building company the realtor had started himself.

    When we left the open house, John called our realtor friend. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation! We knew there was trouble, but we didn’t know to what extent.

    Our contract with the developer stipulated that we had to have sold a certain number of homes within a certain amount of time, or he had the right to hire a different builder. So the realtor just didn’t sell any homes for John to build because the realtor wanted to be the builder and the realtor in the development! We were asked to sign a release form so that our contract would be over.

    Sadly, our meetings with lawyers didn’t help us. The realtor had his assets in his wife’s name, so there was no money to get if we sued him. There were no houses sold. We thought we deserved at least a piece of future homes sold, but the developer’s and realtor’s lawyers simply said no.

    Our only option was to go to court. Our attorney estimated it would cost $30,000. and we would probably win. The downside was that the realtor could appeal the ruling. Then it would cost us another $30,000 to try to win again!

    If you remember, we’d borrowed against our house to invest in the lots, and we had no extra money because the realtor hadn’t paid John for a few months. We also had no work because John knew he would be devoting his time to this development. There was only one thing we could do: We signed the release and decided to move on.

    We could report him to the district attorney’s office. Hopefully, they would be able to prosecute him for the criminal acts he was doing. But there would be no money back for us, at least not for a long time.

    Since we had no work and a huge mortgage, which, amazingly, this realtor had found for us so we could buy the lots, we fell behind on our house payments. Thankfully, within a year John had found enough work to pay the mortgage, but if we fell behind again, our home would move directly into foreclosure.

    Looking back, we thought we were friends with the perpetrator. When we realized what he’d done and how he’d manipulated us to push us out of the project so he could benefit, we were furious!

    How does a person move ahead in their life when every day they experience something that is a direct result of something the perpetrator did?

    Even today, if I ran into him in public, I would avoid talking to him or even being in the same room. I wanted to forget what he did, but I realized that was impossible.

    I had the thought of hurting him back, physically, which was a thought I never had before. It scared me. But I knew it wouldn’t be worth the consequences.

    My husband also mentioned some unsavory ways of getting him back. But he also knew he couldn’t do that. I could understand how violence occurs in situations where the person who’s hurt can’t get the perpetrator out of their mind. It’s tough to forget! Am I right?

    John worked hard for three years with the hopes that an engineer we hired would be able to subdivide our land and sell a piece to lower our mortgage payment. We didn’t lose hope but pushed ahead. We weren’t quitters and we loved where we lived, so we did everything possible to keep our home.

    At the end of those three years, John was diagnosed with stage 3 throat cancer. He would be incapable of working for a year because of the intense treatment. I was not able to earn enough money to pay the mortgage.

    We had to move from our beloved home that we’d built and lived in for eighteen years. It was on thirty-two acres and held the memories of the time we spent there with our four children. We’d worked hard and put everything we had into the property.

    It was devastating to lose everything in our fifties! It was a big move backward, and I was overwhelmed at the thought of John being sick and leaving the home without his help.

    When you realize that you will never forget what someone did to you, you realize how enormous the job is going to be to forgive.

    There were many days that I had to push away the angry thoughts and tears. I had to work and be emotionally available for my kids. But somehow, eventually, I began to think of things in a different light.

    The struggle to give up hating someone for the pain they put you through is very intense. It is a battle deep within our very soul and minds.

    I had no answers for all the questions haunting me in my mind. Why was this guy so careless about negatively affecting the life of a whole family? How could he spend the energy it took to manipulate us to where he needed us to be so that he could pounce and move in for the steal? How could he sleep at night?

    Some people’s answer to forgiveness is that you just have to do it! We don’t want to live in hate purposely, but forgiveness takes time. If you deny the real feelings you have in order to forgive, just because it’s the right thing to do, your buried feelings could cause your emotions to backfire and come out differently later on.

    I moved ahead in my life, but not without feeling the pain and working through the emotions.

    Somehow I had to figure out how to move on. After all, everyone told me that I just needed to do it! Impossible? Could I forgive him and still dislike him?

    I struggled but somehow realized how to forgive. I had the thought one day that people don’t always understand the massiveness of influence and hurt they bring upon people. Plus, certain mental disorders cause people to not care about others. Only months or years of therapy can help this kind of illness.

    Even when we think someone doesn’t deserve mercy, could it be that they do? When I started thinking about why this man would deserve mercy, some of the following ideas came to mind.

    Maybe his family treated him badly when he was a child.

    Maybe he was taught how to scam people as part of his upbringing or influence from others.

    Maybe this person witnessed other adults thinking of themselves first, and he was just doing what seemed natural for him.

    Was he desperate for money?

    Did greed overtake him?

    Could he be mentally ill?

    Maybe he had never seen a single ray of true love and emotional well-being in his life. How sad is that?

    All these things are the sign of someone who is lost and not able to enjoy real peace in life. Did anyone ever genuinely care for him? Imagine what he has missed out on in his existence. Is he in bondage from adverse actions of those around him?

    We have no way of knowing why a person does what they choose to do. However, I believe there is a reason.

    I eventually realized, if I could let go of hating this person and what he did to me, by remembering the possible misery of his life, I’d be free from the very bondage that he was also in!

    It’s a vicious cycle, and I had the option to break it or continue in misery.

    I realized that I couldn’t live with myself, or love myself, as a person who couldn’t love others. And the kind of love for others may only seem like a tolerance at first, but it eventually goes deeper.

    I needed to open my eyes to the “why” of this person’s actions. If it was hate, jealousy, or selfishness, then I needed to be sad for that person who was unable to overcome those toxic feelings. That sadness for him is what enabled me to forgive and move on.

    However, forgiveness doesn’t mean I will never have negative thoughts or memories of him. I would have to remember why I wouldn’t remain angry toward him. I didn’t have to like him, spend time with him, tell him, or think of him. I needed to replace the bad memories in my mind with new plans and experiences for my future. It was a new way to live, and I had to accept it to get through it.

    I credit my husband for explaining it this way. When I would bring the situation up, he would say, “I’m finished with that, and I’ve moved on. That is in the past.” In other words, don’t let yourself keep repeating the experience in your mind over and over.

    Did you ever see loved ones of murder victims, for example, tell the murderer, “I forgive you?” I always wondered why in the world would they do that? But I think I get it now.

    We have to ask ourselves: Are we going to give this person the power to ruin our joy?

    We see the violence of unforgiveness all over our world today. When people hold on to the resentment, they get angrier until they eventually act out in some way. It can be deadly.

    We can hold on to the smallest things that family members and friends do and allow it to ruin the relationship. Maybe the person didn’t understand why they offended you. Maybe they were struggling with something you didn’t know about and were unable to be a better friend. Is it worth it? On our deathbed will we regret it?

    I don’t know about you, but I would like to be the person that says, “Hey, I’m not perfect, either. I forgive you.”

    So forgiveness is possible. The secret? Try to realize the sad state of mind that person was in when they hurt you.

    We are empowered when we are aware of the emotions that can get out of control and make us miserable. The emotions themselves are not wrong. When you feel something, it is real, and it should be acknowledged. But you need to let the anger go.

    I know I’m healthier, both physically and mentally, since I’ve learned to forgive this person and have moved on.

    My wish for you is that you take the time to work through your emotions and develop the ability to forgive others. We will always benefit when we let go of anger and embrace forgiveness. If enough people do this, our world will be a better place to live.

  • 7 Mind-Shifts to End Depressed Overeating

    7 Mind-Shifts to End Depressed Overeating

    “Maybe the reason nothing seems to be ‘fixing you’ is because you’re not broken… You have a unique beauty and purpose; live accordingly.” ~Steve Maraboli

    Have you ever seen a woman down a family-sized tin of chickpeas?

    Or eat six pita pockets stuffed full of avocado, cheese, tomato, and onion?

    Or a dozen greasy samosas?

    I used to overeat when I was depressed. I’d eat till I was so stuffed, the only thing I could do was sleep.

    (Like Valium, but with added fiber.)

    I’d been doing it since I was a kid.

    My family was vegetarian, so I knew what healthy food was. The problem was, I felt like I had to eat until all the food was gone.

    Sometimes I made myself throw up because I felt so panicked about the amount I’d just eaten.

    I never had any professional help. The only time I talked about it was when I cried to friends at parties.

    They’d say, “You’re slim, so what’s the problem?”

    And I get it. On the outside I looked sorted. But for me, eating was a constant obsession.

    I’d try to rein it in by counting calories. Or I’d plan to only have one or two helpings, but I’d always cave in and eat everything.

    It went on for years.

    It was my normal.

    But it reached an all-time low in my final year at college.

    In the past, I’d overeat in the evening and then sleep off my food coma at night; but now I was binging and sleeping during the day as well, when I should have been studying for final exams.

    It was the most miserable time.

    Every morning I’d head out to the campus library, with a packed lunch in my rucksack, and a plan to read all day.

    But in the library, I’d be bored. By 10:00, I’d eat the sandwiches. Then I’d want more. So by lunchtime I’d head home with bagful of groceries.

    And eat. A lot.

    Then, when I was completely, utterly, totally, abysmally full, I’d crawl into bed.

    I’d wake up when it was dark. I’d hear my housemates joking together. They seemed to be having a normal college experience!

    I hated my body for making me eat. I hated how fat and slobbed-out I felt.

    I was at such a loss, I would have tried anything.

    Thankfully, help did come my way. And it came in a surprising package… a trashy-looking slimming book, advertised in the Sunday papers!

    It promised to “change you from within to help you lose weight.”

    I bought it. I read it.

    But I didn’t just read it; I studied it. I listened to the audiocassettes that came with it over and over again; I took days over each exercise in the book.

    I set aside trying to change what I ate. I wrote “eat normally” every time it said “lose weight.” Instead, I focused on my beliefs around food and body. I found I had plenty to work with!

    I filled journals. I found more and more books about the inner world of the eater. And I started to visualize a different future—one with space for other interests aside from my food and my figure.

    I kept believing in that future. I changed a couple of eating habits, and others just fell away.

    Two years later, I realized I felt more relaxed and guilt-free around food.

    As my self-judgment around food disappeared, I got happier in myself too.

    I was amazed how happy.

    What surprised me was, when I tackled the eating, my depression lifted. Even though overeating was only a side issue!

    Working on my eating shifted how I saw myself. And that changed how I approached everything—I was more assertive, more forgiving to other people, I never locked myself out my house by accident any more…

    (Only joking. I did that yesterday).

    So, in case you’re struggling with food yourself, here are seven mind-shifts that completely ended my overeating.

    They also help you get through almost any unhappy moment in life!

    1. Tell yourself you’re not broken.

    It’s easy to feel ashamed for having a problem when everyone around you makes eating look easy.

    You know what you should be doing, and you can’t. It feels like there must be something wrong with you.

    But there’s not!

    When we’re in a fix, it’s perfectly natural to reach for something. At some point in the past, food was the best solution you could come up with.

    Well done, you!

    Just because overeating doesn’t serve you now, doesn’t mean you were stupid or wrong for taking that approach then.

    For example, I started to overeat because I was pushing myself at school. That sedative, I’m-so-full feeling was a relief from trying hard.

    My real problem was I didn’t know how to relax!

    Of course I didn’t! I was a teenager! It made perfect sense to zonk out instead of seeking inner peace.

    At college I also put myself under insane pressure. My overeating gave me an excuse to hide in bed. It was my way of showig that I was daunted.

    Your eating may look crazy, but that’s how your unconscious waves a red flag, telling you something’s up on a deeper level.

    Your inner wisdom is alive! That’s very much a sign you’re not broken!

    2. Ditch guilt and self-punishment.

    I used to feel like the temptation to overeat was this big weakness that won every time.

    I’d plan to be strong, but then I’d think, “One last time won’t hurt.”

    Then I’d overeat, panic that I’d done it again, and lay on the guilt. I thought, “If I hate myself hard enough, I’ll teach myself such a lesson I’ll never do it again.”

    But I still slipped up, and my self-hate grew.

    And grew.

    Over time, guilt completely sapped my confidence. I felt like a criminal. That I didn’t deserve to ever be normal.

    But there’s nothing morally wrong with overeating. It’s not bad.

    You’re not bad. You’re allowed to make mistakes.

    Let go of the idea that if you don’t feel guilty, you’ll never learn.

    The opposite is true!

    When you stop feeling guilty, you can continue your journey, praise yourself for caring, come up with new creative ways forward, and get to know yourself better.

    3. Make a no-rules pledge.

    Do you have a lot of ideas about what you should and shouldn’t eat?

    I didn’t realize I had food rules in my head, because I never dieted.

    Officially.

    But I always made promises to myself. I tried to be healthy (“No more frozen cannelloni.”) Or ethical (“I’m vegan.”) Or well-informed (“I’ll try being gluten free.”)

    I restricted myself, like a dieter.

    It’s a natural mistake to try to get ‘good at’ eating by following rules and plans.

    It’s not that sticking to plans is bad—it’s great for getting things done, budgeting for a holiday, and not randomly adding grapefruit segments to a birthday cake recipe (sorry, Mum).

    But when it comes to your body and emotions, you need a more intuitive approach.

    Rules and restrictions are an invitation to your inner rebel to go ape.

    You break your rule, you fail.

    Failure is a killer, because you can’t build progress. You just stop! You give yourself a hard time. You start over. It’s a huge drain on your energy and morale.

    So stop making rules.

    Instead, give yourself permission.

    You can choose a vegan option if you want to; you might cook a meal from scratch if you feel like it; and you might pick foods that give you energy, if that’s what you feel like.

    4. Slow down and enjoy your food.

    If you’re overeating as I was, you might think that “enjoying food more” is the opposite of what you need!

    But (weird thought coming up…)

    … maybe you don’t enjoy eating enough!

    As an overeater, sure, I’d think about food all day. But while I was actually eating, I’d be completely zoned out.

    Learning to eat slowly, and concentrate, made it easier to switch off about food between meals.

    It also redirected all the worry about what I was eating, into a more relaxing focus on how I was eating.

    Plus, when I slowed down everything tasted yummier! Even a sweaty boiled egg from a lunch box was really good.

    The more you enjoy the eating experience, the more your cravings settle down. And one day, you notice you’re full: satisfied, but not stuffed.

    I was blown away when it happened to me. In my mind’s eye I can still see the potatoes I left on my plate. I just sat staring at them.

    They were just potatoes. They didn’t have any power over me.

    5. Move your body.

    I used to dread sports.

    I thought it was all about counting things and competing. And I felt like I never measured up.

    The only good feelings I got after exercise were from knowing how many calories I’d burnt.

    At college, my friends went for a run, but I couldn’t join in. I felt embarrassed that I could only run for …

    One. Minute.

    So I went to the park secretly, to shuffle around with my headphones.

    One minute was almost pointless… but not quite. Because after I did that a few times, I found I liked my body a tiny bit more.

    I felt refreshed. I wasn’t judging my body from the outside, I was feeling good inside instead.

    There’s a lovely word for that: embodiment.

    I started to have fun.

    I joined my friends. They liked to go running in nature, with fresh air and flowers. They’d speed off, and I’d just boogie to my walkman by a rhododendron bush.

    You can move your body, even if you’re not good at it. You don’t need to be head to toe in lycra. You don’t have to think about calories, or try to do a bit more each time. It doesn’t have to look like exercise at all!

    It can look like messing around with a hula hoop.

    Chasing pigeons.

    Or walking.

    When you embody, your self-criticism about your body calms down. And that helps eating become natural and easy.

    6. Let your desires lead you.

    When I overate, I used to feel possessed by urges. A thought like “avocado pita” would start up.

    AvocadoAvocadoAvocado! PitaPitaPita! Aargh!

    I thought cravings were evil forces that wanted to ruin my life, and that eating to the point of self-disgust was the only way to silence them.

    But now, when I look back at those binges, they make perfect sense: My body was starving for carbs!

    “Lo-carb” was a fashionable way to eat around that time, and my housemates didn’t buy bread or pasta, so I’d slipped into it too.

    So our appetite isn’t evil after all! It guides us to what our bodies need.

    When I realized that, I saw that I didn’t accept my other hungers either.

    When I was tired, I didn’t rest. I’d party for fear of being antisocial. And I’d never ask for what I liked in bed.

    Food, sex, space, sleep, success, money. It’s not wrong to want!

    Your desires make you, you. When you enjoy what nobody loves quite as crazily as you, you’re living out your life purpose.

    Blue cheese was created by the universe. And then it needed someone to go nuts about it.

    That’s what I’m here for.

    7. Redirect your energy where it counts in the world.

    When eating is an obsession, it takes over your day.

    All that brainpower spent on eating doesn’t leave much for things that matter to you. The things that make life fun.

    By the end of college, I couldn’t see the point of studying literature anymore. I didn’t want to admit that my degree was a big, expensive, mistake. Hibernating under a duvet was easier.

    But I also didn’t dare own up to what I really wanted: to illustrate and write and perform. To communicate and belong and connect.

    I always thought, “First I’ll fix my eating and get a better body shape, and then I’ll go for it.”

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if we used all that energy to love our people and do our thang?

    Straight away, not later when we’re ‘perfect’?

    Beneath my food challenge was another, bigger challenge that I was avoiding: to do what I cared about.

    It’s ongoing, but it’s worth it.

    The more I stop worrying about my eating, the more voom I have to throw at it.

  • How to Cope with the Fear of Aging

    How to Cope with the Fear of Aging

    “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~Mark Twain

    Time is the most precious asset we’ve got. It means life, and it’s never coming back.

    In a world where everyone seems to be in a rush, it feels like time is flying. Not sure about you, but when I was a child, I felt like I had all the time in the world. Much later, as a grown-up woman, always busy to do more and achieve more, I had to sign up for time management courses so that I could cope with stress and learn how to manage my hours.

    In April this year, I turned thirty-nine, and I was happy to witness a major transformation in myself: no more panic knowing that soon I’m going to be forty. No more sadness or fear of getting older.

    This year, the only thing I wanted for myself was to celebrate a new year and feel grateful for everything I’ve learned so far at the school of life. To look at the future as an excellent opportunity to learn more and grow from my experiences.

    Beautiful…but it wasn’t always like that. Like many other people I know, both women and men, I was terrified of the idea of growing older. I could feel this fear in my bones years ago, when I “changed the prefix” and turned thirty.

    At the time, I didn’t express that out loud and pretended everything was okay, but, deep inside, I was terrified. To me, such a change was a powerful mental, psychological transition that came with high pressure on my chest, followed by painful beats of my heart. I wasn’t ready, and I can recall that I wanted all my youngest years back.

    So I’ve been asking myself this question: Where does this fear come from? What makes so many people scared of aging?

    One explanation I’ve found comes from societal norms and culturally inherited limiting beliefs that influence our way of thinking and don’t serve us well.

    If you grow up preparing yourself for the aging process as if it will be a burden, that’s exactly how it will feel. It’s all about self-perception and the story we tell ourselves about whom we are becoming with passing time.

    Take my example:

    I grew up in Eastern Europe. In my home country, Romania, I often heard things like “Of course I’m sick. I’m sixty-eight now. I’m not young any longer, so that should be expected.” Or “My time has gone now; I’m seventy-five!”

    Of course, not everyone thinks like this, but it’s common. Growing old is supposed to bring suffering and pain. With no savings, many people feel unprepared, both mentally and financially, for retirement, and it’s quite common for retired people to get support from their children to pay their utilities and buy medicine or food.

    I am grateful for the four years I spent living in Sweden—a time that shifted my perception around aging. I still remember the beautiful yearly concerts I gave with my choir. Performing made my heart sing. And many members of that choir were over sixty!

    You see, that was a different culture, mentality, and system of belief—and a much richer country. When we are financially stable and secured, it is much easier to be happy, right? But it’s not always about money; small moments of happiness don’t have to cost much, and often come for free.

    In Sweden, I got to meet grandmothers who were learning new languages and discovering new hobbies for themselves. Some started to paint; others were enhancing their computer skills. They were thrilled to finally have all the time in the world for themselves, their wants, and their needs after they’d dedicated a high amount of time and energy to their families or employers.

    I found that inspiring. That’s exactly how I want to experience my life once I grow older: as a new opportunity to learn, when every morning is a fresh start, despite the number of my years.

    If you’re afraid of aging and everything that will entail, I can empathize, as I’ve been there. Here’s what helped me heal this fear, move on, and enjoy my everyday life in the only reality there is—the present moment:

    1. Shifting perspective.

    What would open up for you if you knew your age was nothing but a number? Once I decided to look at the process of growing older with compassion and see it as a gift not everyone receives in life, everything changed.

    We create our own reality through the way we think and the story we tell ourselves about each and every experience.

    I know there will be lots of good things for me to enjoy once I grow old. Firstly, I will have all the time in the world for myself and I will make sure to fill it up beautifully, doing things I enjoy, traveling more, spending more quality time with friends, learning new things, and practicing new hobbies.

    Most people complain about spending too many hours at work and not having enough time for themselves. But once they retire, they get the time they’ve always wanted and don’t know what to do with it. Interesting.

    “We need to revise how we think of aging. The old paradigm was: You’re born, you peak at midlife, and then you decline into decrepitude. Looking at aging as ascending a staircase, you gain well-being, spirit, soul, wisdom, the ability to be truly intimate and a life with intention.” ~Jane Fonda

    2. Knowing that I am not what I do.

    The truth is, societies generally value the younger generations, seen as a much-needed force in the working field.

    Aging means wisdom and experience, but often much suffering as well. Many people hold the belief that, the older they get, the worse their quality of life will be, as if their worthiness in the world will vanish or fade. I’ve heard of people who got severely depressed when they retired because they felt their lives had no meaning apart from working.

    One of the most common questions people ask when they make new acquaintances is “What do you do for a living?” In a world that evaluates human worth through status and how well we do things in life, they lost their identity when left with no job.

    Work is where we spend most of our time, so if we’re not happy at work, we’re ultimately not happy with most of our lives. Most of us need a job, and money is a much-needed instrument for us to survive. But is life supposed to be all about our jobs? Is there no other way to be happy?

    What if the ultimate purpose of us being here were just to be happy?

    I can think of so many different kinds of activities that can bring us tremendous joy and fulfillment once we retire! Spending quality time with our dear ones, enjoying the small pleasures of life, traveling, practicing our hobbies, learning new skills, being involved in charity projects, making a difference in the world, and so on.

    “You are a human being, not a human doing.” ~Wayne Dyer

    3. Loving myself: mind, body, and soul.

     In the same way that I am not what I do, I am not my body. My spirit refuses to be put in a box or labeled. If I identify my human value through my physical appearance, the process of aging turns into a burden.

    In today’s society, the concept of beauty often gets associated with youth, with having no wrinkles. Social media, women magazines, Photoshop, beauty contests—all these put tremendous pressure on people (and women especially) to fit particular requirements and parameters that sometimes are not even real. For many industries, that’s an excellent source of income. That is why anti-aging cosmetics sell well, and plastic surgery is booming. It’s all based on fear.

    No matter our age, our bodies are the vehicles of our spirit—the temple of our souls and the only ones we’ve got. I have started to take care of my body: I exercise more and give it nutritious food and plenty of water. I make sure I find the time for those necessary doctor appointments and yearly health checks. When we invest in our physical health, we make a long-lasting investment in our future.

    According to research, the people who live longest are located in Okinawa, Japan. I visited that place recently and wanted to learn more about their lifestyle.

    People there eat healthily and exercise. They don’t stress much and have a social life, despite their age. That’s what I also got to see during the years I lived in China and South Korea: older people exercising, doing tai-chi or chi-gong, dancing or singing in the parks of Seoul or the big squares of Shanghai. They were keeping themselves active and spending quality time with like-minded people in their communities.

    Descartes defined human as “social animals.” No matter our personality, extroverted or introverted, we all need a tribe, a sense of belonging to a group or community. That is a basic human need.

    Happiness is a mental and emotional state of being; it comes as a result of the choices we make. It’s all about attitude, perspective, and what we make age mean to us. We all are what we believe.

    So next year I’m turning forty—nothing but a new beautiful number, a time for brand new opportunities and a gift from life. Getting older is a reality, and I have decided to embrace myself with love, despite my age. I know I’m going to end up with more wrinkles and I’ll love them, too. True self-love is valid at any age; there’s no expiration date to that.

    Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Goddesses Never Age, expressed it so beautifully: “Growing older is inevitable; aging is optional.”

    And now, I would like to hear from you. Have you ever felt scared of the idea of getting older?

  • Happiness Is Enjoying the Little Things in Life

    Happiness Is Enjoying the Little Things in Life

  • How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has

    How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has

    “Like a sandcastle, all is temporary. Build it, tend it, enjoy it. And when the time comes, let it go.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I picked up the butter cookies and a small postcard-sized painting I had brought for her.

    I took the third-floor hotel elevator down.

    Closing my eyes, I took several deep breaths.

    The elevator ride was less than five seconds, but our time spent apart was five years.

    Five years after the divorce I had flown up to see her again.

    I’m not sure what led to this meeting. We had emailed each other a couple times out of the blue, and before you know it, we were meeting.

    It could have been our final goodbye, the closure we needed. Or maybe even in the back of my mind, it was the new beginning that I’d secretly imagined.

    I don’t know. I walked out to see her after a five-year hiatus. In our memories were the international long-distance romance we had, the difficult marriage we had endured, and the painful divorce we had gone through together.

    When we initially parted ways, she was still pursuing her education and getting adjusted to life in America.

    Yet, today she was different. She spoke of her new travels, new experiences, new house, and new job.

    She talked about the ups and downs of the different relationships in her life.

    Close friends, social events, and the search for the “one”—her “one”—were her focus.

    As we spent the day together, a startling but simple realization came over me.

    She had moved on.

    Life was on the up and up. She seemed to have let go of everything we had shared.

    She was a bird that was soaring, while I felt like a bird that hadn’t gone very far from the same branch I was still sitting on.

    She seemed to have moved on like our past had never happened. I was holding on like it was still happening.

    I realized it was way past time to completely let go of what we had shared.

    She had moved on, and I need to finally move on as well.

    If your ex has already moved on, perhaps my lessons will help you do the same.

    Shift your perspective on the relationship.

    Whatever story you’re telling yourself about the relationship, you need to retell it. You may be holding onto the sad and tragic version. You were left behind as the victim, as your ex was the heartbreaker who didn’t give the relationship a chance.

    Shift the story to the one that is the most empowering for you. How about a story of how you both gave it your best? You fought, you loved, you laughed, and you cried. You tried over and over when things didn’t seem to work. You fought, forgave, broke up, got back together, and finally called it off for good.

    You both gave it your all but it didn’t work out. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was you coming to the conclusion that you were different people, both good people, who were incompatible for each other. You both helped each other grow and become better versions of yourself.

    The more you can flip your perspective on your ex and the relationship, the easier it will be to move on.

    Release blame, anger, and resentment once and for all.

    If you haven’t completely let go of the relationship, you may still be holding on to instances of on injustices by your ex. You may still be feeling betrayed, hurt, or angry about something your ex did.

    Until you can let go of these feelings of resentment on anger, you’re not going to be able to let go or move on.

    You’re not going to lose anything by releasing these feelings, but you will gain your peace of mind and freedom.

    Let go for yourself.

    Even if your ex was entirely at fault and deserves the worst kind of karma, you’re not going to get caught up on it. You are not the universe’s policeman.

    Your ex is human and made mistakes. You’re going to release the resentment and anger and forgive your ex for what they did.

    If you made mistakes, you have to be willing to forgive those too.

    When you don’t forgive your ex or yourself, it keeps the past injustices and pain still burning like it happened today.

    Forgive for yourself. Forgive for your peace of mind.

    Thank your ex for how far they brought you forward in your life.

    Instead of focusing of how much better off your ex is doing or how you’re falling behind, while they are moving ahead, reflect on how far you’ve come yourself.

    While our marriage was difficult and our divorce was soul-crushing, honestly, I grew so much from this relationship. I had so many insights about myself, made drastic life changes, and became an entirely new person.

    You can either compare and mourn or thank your ex and appreciate how far they’ve brought you along.

    You might not have welcomed the pain, but it’s likely made you into a newer and improved version of yourself.

    Remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

    Yes, when you’re comparing yourself to your ex, you might feel bad about yourself and like you’re stuck, but it’s not wise to compare yourself to someone else. If you feel a need to compare, then compare yourself to where you were before.

    In my case, I was stuck in dysfunctional relationship patterns, I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage, and I was stuck in a soul-crushing career.

    Regardless of where she’s at today, enough therapy and learning has helped me become a new person. I have many more tools to navigate life, and I’m doing work that sometimes doesn’t even feel like work.

    I’m living more in line with my values today and have the freedom to pursue my creativity and writing.

    You don’t have to be soaring like your ex.

    Just remember that you’re not stuck crawling like you were in the past.

    Remind yourself that today is the only thing you can do something about.

    You cannot change the past, the relationship, or your ex.

    You cannot go back and un-do your mistakes or do something different.

    There’s no point in wallowing in regret, past disappointments, and failures that you can’t do anything about.

    Focus on what you can control—the changes you make today.

    You can become the person you’re capable of becoming today.

    You can create the life you want today.

    Keep bringing yourself to the moment you can do something about: the present moment. In this moment, you can shift your perspective. You can make different choices. You can create the life you want.

    Live less in the futile past and more in the hopefulness of today.

    See the uncertainty in your life as an adventure.

    The most difficult part of my marriage ending was the uncertainty of my life.

    See, when you’re married or in a relationship, you have a location. The world identifies you in a certain way. You know who you’re spending your weekends with or who you have to plan the holidays with. You know who you list in the relationship column of Facebook.

    Yet, after a breakup, all these questions are uncertain and more than likely, unknown. I’ve discovered that I, and humans in general, hate uncertainty.

    We would rather tolerate an unbearable situation than the unknown.

    You can view uncertainty as a tsunami about to happen or a surfing vacation in Hawaii.

    The more you see your future life as an adventure that is filled with excitement and novelty, the easier it will be for your to welcome in the life waiting for you.

    Pursue the life you visualize every day.

    You can get stuck focusing on where your ex is at or what your ex is doing, but this is neither healthy nor productive.

    Instead, get super clear on what you want.

    What is the life you envision for yourself every day? What values and principles do you want to guide your life?

    How would you like your life to look each day?

    Now, you may not be able to create that life instantly, but you can start doing small things each day that get you closer to the life you want.

    If you envision spirituality in your life each day, create time for a spiritual practice or class.

    If you see creativity in your life each day, make time for your creative ventures.

    If you see self-care as a necessity for your best life, reduce your commitments and take better care of yourself.

    You might not have the life you envisioned right now, but if you start taking small steps each day to live the life you want, before you know it, your visions will be your reality.

    What’s helped you let go of the past when your ex has already moved on?

  • The Best Things in Life Are Free (and Healing)

    The Best Things in Life Are Free (and Healing)

    “The six best doctors: sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise, and diet.” ~Wayne Fields

    I’ve always believed the best things in life are free. Sunshine on your skin next to a body of water ranks up there as one of my favorite experiences. I love nothing more than to be in a pool in the summertime.

    Though doctors have helped me with my depression, nature has provided me with my best doctors. When I’m in nature, I feel restored.

    When I was a child, I used to like to go on adventures. I would venture off into my parents’ backyard with the neighborhood kids, telling them we were going on an adventure into the forest.

    I was a little nature child in love with the flowers, the sunlight, and the trees.

    Those were some of my best memories of childhood. But, as I grew older I forgot about the restorative power of nature.

    I started working all of the time and using the weekends for chores. I stopped doing the things I loved. I forgot to venture into the forest.

    For years, I suffered from seasonal affective disorder. In the winter, a deep depression would overtake me. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to get out of bed.

    Being inside felt suffocating. The dark nights and the cold winters seemed to drain my spirit. In the spring, I’d feel reborn.

    Once I realized there was a definite seasonal aspect to my depression, I started taking preventative measures. I bought a light box and started getting up earlier each day to get some sunlight in the winter. I made a point to go meet friends and not stay at home all day.

    There are many tools I use to cope with my depression. I see a therapist and take medication. But, for me, the best medicine is preventative. It’s getting out into the world each day.

    Getting enough sunshine is vital to my well-being. I almost feel like the sun is recharging me when I’m outside. I take a morning walk each day to walk the dog and listen to the birds. I use that time to say positive affirmations to myself and reflect on having a good day.

    If I have time, I also take a walk during my lunch break or at least spend some time outside. I remember the days when I would stay inside at work eating my sandwich while staring at the computer. No more eating at the desk for me!

    I take another walk when I get home from work. It relieves the stress from the workday and sets me up for a nice evening. These are short ten-minute walks, but they really do make a difference.

    After dinner, I try to find some time just for me. Soaking in a hot bath seems to melt away all of my worries.

    Being a Pisces, I’ve always been drawn to water. I live in a land-locked state, but take every opportunity I can to go to the ocean. As kids, we used to go fishing on the weekends. I remember how quiet those days were. Just looking at water seems to cleanse the negativity from my mind.

    I like to watch the way the sun sparkles on the water and the way it ripples. Water has a very meditative quality. You can’t help but feel mesmerized looking at it.

    I don’t always get the opportunity to be near a body of water, but I love the springtime. Opening the doors to let in fresh air after months locked inside is invigorating. I like to do some spring cleaning with the doors and windows open to let in the light and a light breeze.

    No matter what time of year it is, proper rest is vital to a healthy body and mind. I used to go for days staying up late and waking up early, and didn’t understand why I felt so lethargic and terrible all of the time.

    When I don’t get enough sleep, I’m crabby with others, I eat unhealthy food, and I stop being productive at work. I get in the habit of powering up with caffeine throughout the day and not being able to get to sleep at night. The next day, I wake up tired and the cycle begins all over again.

    When I do get enough sleep, I have the energy to exercise. The combination of rest and exercise leads to feeling much better.

    I can see a big difference in my outlook when I don’t exercise. When I’m active, I smile more, breathe easier, and get more done.

    When I skip a few days, I become irritable and tired. I snap at my husband. I don’t want to play baseball with our child. Ironically, using energy to exercise creates more energy for love.

    However, I’ve also found that I have to do exercise that I love or it feels like a chore.

    I love yoga and taking walks outside. I love Zumba because it makes me feel like I’m dancing. But, ask me to run and I’ll resist and procrastinate.

    I want to enjoy exercise and moving my body. When I opt for what I enjoy, I look forward to doing it.

    For me, all of the other elements come before diet. Perhaps for others, it’s the opposite.

    For years, I’ve battled with trying to eat better. What I’ve found is that when I’m getting the other four items, I naturally want to eat better. It’s not as much of a struggle as it is when I start with diet first.

    By all means, use every tool that helps you to enjoy a full, healthy, and happy life. But give nature a try.

    Revel in the warm weather! Get out and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Get some rest, take a nice walk, and eat some fresh, healthy vegetables. End the day with a nice, warm bath.

    It may be just what the doctor ordered.

  • The Power of Perspective: A Simple Way to Ease Anxiety

    The Power of Perspective: A Simple Way to Ease Anxiety

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    One of the first ideas I learned in law school was “the reasonable third person,” a legal fiction created to help figure out if someone has acted unreasonably. There’s no clear-cut definition, so I spent a lot of energy arguing what a reasonable person would do. This hypothetical person haunted my law school exams, and later, my career.

    But I realized the reasonable third person could teach me something beyond the courtroom. I could apply that perspective to ease anxiety in my own life.

    At my law firm, I was so busy that I could barely make meetings in time. It would always be a mad scramble to get everything ready. The senior lawyer would always be annoyed and stressed, and the partner would barely acknowledge my presence.

    I’d have too much coffee and be nervous. I’d try to be casual, but I’d either fidget too much or sit too still, trying not to attract attention. I was always so nervous I’d get asked a question and not know what to say.

    Mostly, I just sat silently in meetings. Occasionally I’d make a comment, but I’m sure no one noticed because I was so unhelpful. I always felt like an idiot.

    Then I realized how personal and subjective my interpretation was. By changing my perspective, I could compose a new, more useful narrative of events. My interpretation—my thinking—could relieve my distress.

    I felt like I was always running late, but I made it to meetings, didn’t I? So “I could barely make meetings in time” became “he arrived in time for the meeting to start.”

    “I’d always have too much coffee and be nervous” became “Joseph drank coffee.” “I’m sure no one noticed because I was so unhelpful” became “he was pretty quiet during the meeting.”

    This narrative removed the self-centered thinking. It focused on what actually happened, not what I felt about what happened.

    Afterward, I was less overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I had a broader perspective, like that of a third party. My feelings weren’t bound so tightly to events.

    Third Person Thinking

    I began to call this third person thinking. It’s the idea of observing your experience from a distance instead of identifying with how you felt about it. I could rise above my own viewpoint of an event.

    It’s like the judge deciding whether someone acted like a reasonable person under the circumstances. It’s irrelevant what they subjectively experienced. Focusing on the cold hard facts might overlook the emotional impact of events, but it also allows you to change that emotional impact.

    Okay, so this sounds nice in the abstract, but does it actually work? Researchers have examined this skill (called “self-distancing” in the study) in situations that provoke anxiety or anger in real life, like public speaking. The results are encouraging: The studies presented clear improvements from third person thinking.

    Benefits

    Third person thinking improves your reaction to a stressful event. You’ll feel less pain, anxiety, and “maladaptive post-event processing,” in the unwieldy language of the studies. Post-event processing—your perspective on what happened—improves, becoming more useful.

    You’ll also better manage future situations, as you can “appraise future stressors in more challenging and less threatening terms.” Translation: You’ll feel less worried about stuff that usually worries you.

    Third person thinking also improves performance during the event itself. Study participants with social anxiety gave better public speaking performances when they engaged in self-distancing. Athletes also perform better when they engage when they manage their self-talk in the same way.

    The theory looks good. But are we just fooling ourselves? After all, the objective situation hasn’t changed.

    Maybe it seems that way, like trying to convince yourself you’re happy when you feel like crying. But what you think affects how you act and feel. It’s a cycle. Each stage—thoughts, feelings, actions—affects the others.

    Thinking Like a Third Person

    So, how do you actually do it?

    First, consciously observe how you’re talking to yourself. What are you telling yourself—are you saying, “I really screwed that up,” or “I’m sure I sounded like an idiot just then”? Just slowing down like this breaks the automatic chain of reaction, preventing a cascade of emotional reflexes.

    Second, write it down. This forces you to slow down even further. It makes the distancing more real, and it’s important to create that muscle memory of practice, just like meditation.

    Third, replace personal pronouns like “I” and “me” with third person pronouns in the story you’re telling yourself. Use your name. “I had to give a speech” becomes “Joseph gave a speech” and “she spoke for ten minutes.”

    Finally, focus on the events themselves, not the narrative you tell yourself about them. You might be biased to focus on your inner monologue. But try to keep your assessment objective: not “I did a terrible job and I’m about to get fired” but “Her boss told her to redo one section of the assignment.”

    Tips

    First, make sure you’re being friendly to yourself. Third person thinking isn’t going to do much good if you’re still judging yourself but camouflaging that judgment by changing a few words. Instead, talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend who went through the same situation.

    At the same time, stay objective. A true friend is supportive but honest; you know your friend will tell you the truth. Being kind, but objective, is the most supportive thing you can do.

    Second, third person thinking isn’t about avoidance. Don’t use it to withdraw from how you feel or what you think. You’re still engaging with the event, only from a healthier place.

    Finally, just do it. For me, third party thinking felt (very) silly at first. It was also difficult because I was so used to being wrapped up in the events around me.

    But just try it out. There’s really nothing to lose, and it just might help you feel calmer and less overpowered by what occurs in your life. It certainly did for me.

  • How to Relax in Meditation When You Have a Busy Mind

    How to Relax in Meditation When You Have a Busy Mind

    “The Tao is always at ease. It overcomes without competing, answers without speaking a word, arrives without being summoned, accomplishes without a plan.” ~Lao-Tsu

    As a longtime meditator and participant in the awakening process I am constantly on the lookout for hints that illuminate the path. I am open to these hints regardless of their source, so many of my teachers have been young children.

    We may have many differing reasons to practice mindfulness and meditation. Regardless of the specific motivation, all meditators experience distraction and mental rebellion from time to time, and it can be quite frustrating. Many new meditators never get past the frustration and ultimately give up before they see the fruits of their efforts.

    Although I never had a formal meditation teacher, I became engrossed in my own meditation process at a fairly young age.

    Fortunately for me, I learned a lesson from an unexpected teacher, fairly early in the process, who helped me to transcend distraction and mental rebellion during meditation and throughout daily life. I’d like to share this lesson with you in hopes that it helps you to get more out of your meditation and life.

    My wife regularly visited a large park in Tokyo for weekend strolls, picnics, and to walk the dogs. One day at the park a young Japanese girl unwittingly became my teacher.

    We had agreed to meet a friend, Yuuji, for a picnic one Sunday. Yuuji brought his wife and his eight-year-old daughter, Kotomi, and we brought our dogs.

    One of our dogs, Leila, is a Chinese crested dog, which is a small breed. Kotomi really loved dogs and wanted to walk one of ours, so we let her take the lead for Leila.

    Kotomi was so excited to walk a dog for the first time! It would also be Leila’s first walk with a stranger.

    My wife taught Kotomi how to hold the leash, how to keep Leila next to her during the walk, and so on. Kotomi listened and nodded that she understood.

    Our little Leila was always great on walks, but as my wife handed Kotomi the leash, Leila looked at me incredulously. Clearly this was going to be a battle of wills.

    Leila totally ignored Kotomi’s lead and began sniffing here and there to her heart’s content. Kotomi, feeling Leila’s weight on the leash, pulled the leash over her shoulder and leaned into the walk, forgetting all technique.

    Not wanting to submit to this stranger, Leila leaned back against the leash and bucked against the girl. Kotomi just kept moving forward as if Leila wasn’t even there.

    I kind of felt bad for Leila, but she wasn’t experiencing any physical harm. She was testing her new walker, which is not uncommon for dogs that have never been walked by anyone other than their family members. Curiosity had me, and I wanted to see how this scenario would play out.

    Leila put up a great fight, but it was all for naught because Kotomi seemed oblivious to it. She was just excited to be at the park. I wondered if she had forgotten that there was a dog on the other end of the leash.

    The dog fought; Kotomi just moved forward.

    After five minutes, I began to wonder how long Leila could keep up her fight. Ten minutes passed with Leila still locked in resistance mode, so I considered taking the leash myself. But then, like the flipping of a light switch, Leila joined the walk.

    Just like that, she surrendered to Kotomi and began smiling as she walked next to her new friend. For the rest of the day she was the perfect dog. She sniffed, wagged her tail, and even let Kotomi pick her up, the first stranger ever to do so successfully.

    Kotomi had won a fight that she never even took part in! She just moved forward mindlessly.

    After this experience I began applying the “forward motion” principle to my meditations to astounding effect. I just gave up any expectation that my mind was going to cooperate and instead simply moved forward.

    How does that principle play out in meditation?

    You know how it can be in meditation: The mind gets distracted again and again. There may be some physical aches and pains that the mind clings to. Then the mental resistance starts with statements like, “I’m not doing this right,” or “I have too much mental noise,” or “I don’t feel like meditating today, I’ll do it tomorrow instead.”

    But now is the only time that we ever have! Tomorrow never was and never will be. It’s a figment of the imagination. Either we are moving forward in the moment or we are not.

    Admitting the reality of now, I decided to sit in meditation for the allotted time, regardless of how my mind felt about it. I was not going to let distraction or frustration have any power. I determined to let the mind fight the good fight, while I moved toward my goal of deeper relaxation and clarity.

    My mind was worried about work-related issues, reminding me of things that I already knew. Here’s what happened.

    “Did you check the tests for grammar errors?” I took a deep breath, tensed my entire body and released it, relaxing my body and expanding my awareness globally.

    “Don’t forget to print the tests first thing tomorrow morning!” I tension-released again, going deeper still into relaxation, opening awareness again in every direction.

    “Remember to ….” In midsentence I tension-released into spaciousness.

    I began to notice that my mind would go into little frustrated narrations when a thought arose, “Jeez, another thought,” or “Ah, again,” or “When is this going to stop?” Then it occurred to me that my reactive opinions of thoughts are also thoughts, so I decided to relax and expand at each such occurrence.

    After a few minutes of expansive releasing, secondary thought ceased, but there was still the feeling of frustration when primary thoughts arose. I then included feelings into my breath-releases.

    In short order, thought felt far away. Although thought still occurred, there was no feeling that it was my thought.

    The breath-release-expansion continued at each distant thought, and after a time overt thought and emotion ceased entirely.

    What was left were just little blips of thought and emotion, unformed and out of context. They came up out of the unconscious like little ripples in the stream of awareness.

    There was a sudden insight into how the mind worked. Thought begins with these tiny little blips that the mind reacts to habitually by stringing them together with memories, effectively creating narratives, stories, and images that pull awareness out of the present.

    It was like seeing behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz, only to find a weak-willed con man at the controls. A debilitating illusion was broken.

    Silence.

    The lesson of moving forward worked! Just like every little step that Kotomi had taken in the park, I moved forward, step by step, into a timeless clarity that was interrupted only by a beeping alarm. Thirty refreshing minutes had passed.

    So, when you sit down to meditate, decide how long you are going to be there and be there for that allotted time, relaxing ever deeper into expansiveness. Accept that the mind will sniff here and there and rebel. Just keep moving forward through relaxed awareness into spaciousness.

    Eventually something unexpected may happen. Before long the mind begins to follow your intent, silencing quickly.

    When you stop fighting the mind, something else unexpected may happen. You may also cease to concern yourself over the mind’s assumptions, opinions, narrations, regrets, instant replays, and so forth.

    Once there is insight into the mind through direct experience, there is no longer any need to fight or correct it. The dog will come along once it tires of the fight, and before you know it, you will have a new friend who supports your meditations—and your life.

  • Rethinking What Really Matters: The Four Most Important Things in Life

    Rethinking What Really Matters: The Four Most Important Things in Life

    “Life is short. Focus on what matters and let go of what doesn’t.” ~Unknown

    Our most precious commodities are not our smartphones, 3D TVs, brand new cars, or even our big and impressive houses.

    Our most precious commodities can’t be found at the bank. They can’t be ordered online. The truth is, they are on a very short list.

    Amongst our most precious commodities are our purpose, time, health, and our relationships.

    How I Came to This Conclusion

    Several years ago I realized I was accumulating more in my life. More things that didn’t really matter to me or speak to me on a spiritual level. More commitments I wasn’t really passionate about keeping. This was all leaving me feeling a little flat and unfulfilled. It felt like something was missing, but I wasn’t sure what that something was.

    A period of fairly deep reflection followed. I then started to take some action based on this reflection. Amongst other things, that action has meant:

    • I have made good on long-term dreams to write creatively
    • I have realized I value freedom and flexibility over the ability to just earn more, and I now seek out ways of living accordingly.
    • I have accumulated fewer material possessions but enjoyed more (travel and holidays, events, life experiences).
    • I have concerned myself a whole lot less with the need to keep up with others (a toxic and empty competition if ever there was one).
    • I have set up my own micro-business so I have more control over what work and clients I say yes and no to.
    • I have met and married a partner in travel and adventure.
    • I have embraced aspects of simplicity, 80/20, and other powerful concepts into my life.

    The upshot of these and other changes has been that the quality of my life has improved significantly. I certainly don’t have everything figured out (spoiler: no one does!), but my compass in life is much more in tune with somewhere I actually want to get to now.

    Alongside this period of internal reflection, I started to question lots about life.

    I started to weigh what I thought I wanted with what I actually wanted. I started to question what I was really seeking. Whether I was on a path that would get me there. Whether I had people in my life that could support me emotionally along the way. I started to question what it was to be successful and fully explore my own definition of it, not just follow a second-hand version.

    I also started to question whether what I thought was important in life was really important at all. I reframed my life and came to the conclusion that there are several areas, commodities if you will, that are vitally important to how we feel, that need careful attention.

    This is what led me to the realization that our purpose, time, health, and relationships are amongst our most precious commodities. Such a simple and obvious realization, you may protest. Well, if that’s the case, how is it that we let these suffer so frequently?

    Purpose

    Purpose is our why. It drives our actions. It fuels our passion. It encompasses our work, our relationships, and our approach to living our lives. It wraps around everything we do. It means living our lives in an intentional way. It gives our lives a sharper focus.

    Our why is what keeps us going when life gets tough.

    Our why gives life extra meaning and richness.

    If we’ve lost our way and are struggling with our why, we can ask ourselves several related questions:

    • Where am I’m trying to get to?
    • What lights me up and gets me excited?
    • What’s my reason for getting up in the mornings?
    • What do I want more of in my life?
    • What do I want less of in my life?

    The answers to these questions can be revealing and can lead us back to the core of what really matters most to us. Listen to these answers and use them as a guiding light. Revisit them often

    Time

    We all have the same number of hours in our day. Why do some of us run around, constantly stressed, complaining we “don’t have time,” while others seem to approach life in a relaxed and happy state but still get plenty done?

    Though we all have responsibilities and obligations, this often comes down to choices.

    Many of us make poor exchanges on our time on a daily basis. Each time we say yes to something, we are effectively saying no to something else. The problem is, we often say yes to too much. This is where a balance starts to tip.

    Instead of feeling in control of our calendar, our time is all accounted for. We rush from this commitment to that, never really feeling like we’re truly present at any of them. We squeeze evermore into our days but feel we have less and less time to do the things we really want to do, or see the people we want to see. We have less space left for ourselves.

    Time is a finite resource; once spent, it’s gone. We can’t get time back, but we can be selective and intentional with the time we have.

    We can take control by saying yes to less and appreciating the white space in our diary. We can protect our precious time for the activities and people that give our lives the most meaning and joy.

    Of course, reclaiming your time isn’t always this simple. Some of us are working several demanding jobs in order to pay the most basic of bills. Maybe we are bringing up a young family, caring for aging parents, or perhaps looking after a loved one who has physical or mental health challenges.

    Finding time for anything in these scenarios can be especially tough. Even if we do have time, we feel a heavy sense of guilt if we spend it doing something for ourselves, because it seems selfish. Besides, exhaustion can hit us right when we have these small windows of time, and sleep or the TV may beckon.

    If we’re limited in this way, a good start is to find small pockets of time to invest in our passion projects, our hobbies, and ourselves. Five minutes here, half an hour there can add up over a period of time.

    Though we may be caregivers or breadwinners for others, we need to remember to care for ourselves along the way. We can do this without neglecting our responsibilities. In fact, the more we can look after our own well-being, the better equipped we are to be of service to others.

    Another step that we can take is to try to change our situation. Maybe we can work closer to home or look to simplify and reduce our bills, and perhaps even work a little less. In the case of loved ones with challenges, maybe we haven’t exhausted our options in terms of additional help (from friends, family, or care groups).

    These are all tough and very real challenges some of us face, and I will not make light of them here. All any of us can do is look to make the very best of our situations and be grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t have. Sometimes we need a little outside support from others to help us along. Where there is a will, there can be a way.

    Health

    So many of us take our health for granted until we have a reason not to.

    We neglect exercise and then wonder why our bodies complain when we need to climb a flight of stairs. We neglect our diet and then wonder when all this extra weight crept up on us. We neglect our mental health and then wonder why we’re always stressed.

    We can be kinder on ourselves. We can add regular movement to our lives. Walking, the gym, bodyweight exercises, yoga—it all counts and can all be mixed up. Our bodies are made to move, not sit humped over laptops or in front of TVs all day. Embrace the ability to move.

    Eating healthily can also be simple and enjoyable. We can base most of what we eat on plants (fruits and vegetables). If we eat meat, we can treat it like a side dish and ensure most of the rest of our plates are filled with a rainbow of vegetables. No foods need be off limits, and we can still make space for the odd discretion. Healthy eating can and should be delicious eating, and should never feel like drudgery.

    Being outside more, eating well, and making time to decompress can all help our mental health and general feelings of well-being. We can be gentler with ourselves by ensuring we make time to reset occasionally.

    Regular check-ups with our doctors can help pick up the early signs of anything nasty, but we can also do our best to make the most of what we have by trying our best to look after ourselves.

    Relationships

    Our modern obsession with being busy leads many of us to feel we don’t have enough time in our days. This is a particularly sorry state of affairs when it means we “don’t have time” for our relationships.

    The truth is, all this busyness just might be something we have had a hand in creating. This may not be welcome news, but it does mean we can also step back from it and live another way.

    Our friends, family, and loved ones are what really add spark to our lives. We need to make the time to foster these relationships. Being busy is fine, if we’re busy with the things and people that mean the most to us.

    Our relationships are our bedrock, our foundation. We need to nurture them with the love and attention they really deserve.

    Purpose, time, health, and loved ones. These are truly the things that make us richer and make life more complete. Let’s treat them accordingly.

  • The Big Little Secret to Rejection: How to Get Past It Quickly

    The Big Little Secret to Rejection: How to Get Past It Quickly

    “I am good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject.” ~Jeanette Winterson

    Rejection is something that can impact all the big parts of our lives—friends and loved ones, education, jobs, and romantic relationships. It can change how we see ourselves, paralyze us into not taking chances, and even make us give up on pursuing our dreams.

    There’s a lot of wonderful advice out there about rejection, but I wanted to share a bit of a different perspective. It’s a simple perspective I was lucky enough to hear a long time ago but have only just begun to truly believe and practice. And wow, is it a revelation.

    I was a short-term contract worker for a very large, very popular media company for ten years. Through time it became obvious that no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t seem to get up the ladder.

    Many of my colleagues were progressing and getting hired as permanent staff, whereas it would take me months to even land a contract. When I asked for extra training to shoot and edit or offered to write scripts, I was refused. My ideas either fell by the wayside or were given to others to work on.

    As time went on, they inexplicably put less and less trust in me. So I worked harder and harder to try and prove myself and spent all my spare time teaching myself skills and making the content that I so desperately want to do at work. I was exhausted and demoralized, and I eventually began taking anti-anxiety medication.

    It was a bewildering experience because I did a great job and was conscientious. Why was this happening to me? What was I doing wrong?  

    It all came to a head after a particular campaign for kids that I was hired to steer from behind the scenes, given my insider experience and knowledge about the campaign topic. Nine months later, when the campaign was extended, my job was just given to someone else less suitable.

    When an email went around to the department announcing the new appointment, my co-workers were as confused as I was. I heard, “Why aren’t you heading this up, Amanda?” at least nine or ten times that day. I had no answer.

    In a fog, I got up from my desk, left the building, and walked into the courtyard. And just then, something clicked in my head. I finally got it. They simply didn’t want me.

    They had been telling me this for ten years. And I had been ignoring it.

    I looked back at the building—at all the people in the windows, happily busy doing their thing—and suddenly it was like there was a flashing neon light saying, “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” I burst out laughing. How could I have missed this the whole time?

    We do this type of thing a lot, don’t we? How many times have we refused to see we’re being rejected, no matter how obvious?

    It’s so easy to react to rejection with our egos. We think, “How dare you!” or “I’ll show you I’m right for you.” We need to be right. We need that validation at the expense of that part of us that knows our worth and is powerful enough to walk away.

    Consider this situation that most, if not all, of us have experienced: We date someone, really enjoy it, and see a lot of potential with them. But after a few weeks or months, we begin to feel a noticeable shift on their part.

    Maybe they start texting less often, or they aren’t as excited to see us, or they are less available, or they close themselves off a bit. It throws us for a loop, doesn’t it? We may even panic a bit. So we react by assessing the situation, reading between the lines, trying a bit harder, asking friends for advice, and Googling articles that make us feel better about what’s going on.

    We give this person all of our headspace while we try and figure things out when, deep down, we know exactly what the problem is. They just aren’t feeling us. But we try to convince ourselves that if they just give us a little more time, take a chance on us, they will come to the magical conclusion that we are actually perfect for one another.

    Is this strategy in any way healthy? Does it work? Does it make us feel better? Of course not.

    So here’s the big little secret about every rejection we’ve ever had in our lives. Once we realize and accept it, it can change the way we feel about every past rejection and change the way we see rejection in the future. Ready?

    When someone rejects you, for whatever reason, it’s because you two aren’t a good fit—they just saw it first. Eventually, you would have seen it as well. The fact that they acted on this early realization is actually a blessing because they are saving both of you from wasting time.

    It doesn’t matter why they are rejecting you. Often it is purely about themselves and their issues. So why spend the time worrying about the reason?

    Of course, not every rejector is honest and upfront about their feelings. In fact, many are afraid of confrontation, so they reject in an indirect way. But even when this happens, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that we ignored the signs in the single-minded pursuit of what we wanted.

    But if we can understand and appreciate the secret of rejection, we can better recognize the signs when we see ourselves in the same situation in the future. Think of the time, effort, and energy we can save with acceptance!

    So what happened with that media job crisis? After I stopped laughing and went back into the building, I gave them my notice. While I worked that last month, my eyes were opened, and I began to understand that the company was right all along.

    I didn’t belong there because my life perspective and the things I valued did not align with them. That’s why I had struggled there for so long.

    They saw it first, and I saw it eventually.

    After I left the company, I was free to do all the things I really wanted to do, in my own voice. I’m finally a television writer who has begun making short films about mindfulness to help others. This never would have happened if I had stayed at that company and worked trying to fix their constant rejection.

    If only I had done it sooner rather than spend ten years hoping to be accepted by someone who didn’t appreciate me!

    So the next time you are rejected, instead of immediately reacting, consider the situation. Accept your rejector’s judgment that you don’t fit, because they are right.

    Of course, it may still hurt a bit. In fact, it may hurt a lot. But if you keep reminding yourself that you would have eventually come to the exact same conclusion, and if you allow yourself to be grateful for the time and further hurt you have just been saved, you will be much better equipped to negotiate where you go from this point.

    And best of all, you’ll be free to find a place—be it a job, a friendship, or a romantic relationship—that honors who you really are and allows you to thrive, grow, and make the most of your unique gifts and perspective.

  • We Don’t Have to Be Confident and Together All the Time

    We Don’t Have to Be Confident and Together All the Time

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Christine Mason Miller

    Eighth grade was a bit of a bad year for me, if I’m being honest. The dust had settled after the seventh grade popularity battle, and I had some close friends and we were mostly surviving, but there was one class I just could not make a go of.

    I didn’t have any friends in the class, or rather, the one I did have made a choice to hang with the popular girls, and left me to be made fun of. It’s an understandable choice, really, if you can remember high school. I probably would have done the same had it been an option.

    Those girls were pretty horrible. I can’t recall the specifics, but I remember feeling tight across the chest every time I had to walk into that room. Every class I would try my hardest to make myself smaller and more invisible, and yet their unkind words would still find their way, prickling into me.

    So the next year when I took drama class as an elective, I strode into the theater and was horrified to see those girls standing there.

    My drama class! They’d invaded my safe place, the haven for outgoing but also nerdish types like me! Who let them in?

    I was dismayed, but I recall making a decision: I was going to be loud and proud and super-dooper-me all over them. They weren’t going to claim my space and make me feel like rubbish there too.

    I proceeded to do exactly that.

    And it worked. It more than worked: Those girls became my friends. Not hanging out in the schoolyard friends (I’d never be cool enough for that), but in-class-hanging-out-laughing-doing-plays-having-a-ball friends.

    One of them asked me, “Why weren’t you like this last year?”

    The message was clear. Be yourself! Be yourself times fifty and good things will come. You’ll have more fun. Most importantly: people will like you.

    Even Mike McDonald, who relentlessly tortured me in maths class for four years, couldn’t faze me. I just shrugged him off or talked back to him or ignored him with my head held high. Sure, I was scared of him (and clearly I still harbor a minor resentment against him), but he wasn’t going to snuff out my flame.

    And so I continued to be me, pretty much from then on.

    Great story and life lesson, huh?

    Except that it’s not the full story. It’s only a thin story, a half-truth.

    Another truth is that this experience taught me to only be one kind of me: the outgoing, talkative, confident, brave, funny, cool girl who doesn’t take garbage from anyone. The girl who says what she thinks without a moment’s hesitation.

    The girl who is always happy and never miserable.

    The young woman in her twenties who forgot how to cry, and didn’t cry for at least eight years. The woman who had no idea how to be vulnerable, or even what authenticity would feel like. A woman who, as a social worker, could and would help anyone, but didn’t know how to help herself.

    All that changed when a significant relationship ended and I had a mini mental breakdown. Flooded with panic, grief, and an intensity of emotion not experienced before, I was a mess. The confident girl deserted me.

    I remember lying stiff in bed after not being able to sleep for three days. My best friend was lying beside me talking about the relationship. She was trying to be helpful in the ways she usually was, but this time it didn’t work.

    Electricity flooded up and down my body as I began to shake uncontrollably. I felt hot and my heart was thumping. I knew panic was here again, and that I had no control over it. So she simply held my hand and talked me through a meditation, and then something else became clear.

    All I could do was ask for help.

    And help arrived. From family and friends and a great therapist and places unexpected. From nature and mindfulness and a senior manager at work.

    I called my family, and took two weeks off work to stay with my parents in my hometown. My dad took me sightseeing (in my hometown! The most boring place on earth, but I enjoyed it). My mum was a rock, just quietly following family routines, and hugging me when I cried.

    I hardly ate and went on long walks with my beloved dog. I think everyone was worried and bewildered. And I was too. Having no choice in the matter maybe even made it easier to succumb to what my body was telling me. Stop. Be.

    When I went back to work, the tears came as soon as my caseload was being handed back. But the suggestion to take more time off was abhorrent; too much time alone with my thoughts was the last thing I needed.

    The senior then suggested I just come in every day and do all the tasks that usually just sit around and never get done. No clients. It was perfect for a couple more weeks until I found myself naturally drawn back to human contact, and just not so afraid anymore.

    And I continued to be surprised about how thoughtful, supportive, and creative people were in taking care of me.

    It turns out I may actually be lovable without needing the only be one type of person.

    I read books on mindfulness and meditation and practiced every day, sitting by the creek and watching the liquid flow, observing the scary parts disappear around the corner. I saw my counselor more regularly, and with her skilful listening and gentle challenges I began to feel more and more connected to who I was, my history, and what I was feeling.

    It took about a year to fully recover, but I can’t tell you how amazing it was the first time that panic feeling rose, and the mantra “Bring It On” popped into my head. I stopped, breathed slowly, and completely dissipated the feeling before anything else happened. It’s never failed me since.

    And so, amazingly, I came out the other side a much richer person for having been needier, emotional, and human.

    I’ve found a way to be both confident and authentic. I laugh and have fun and freely speak my opinion. But also, tears come easily—sometimes too easily—although these days I am proud of the tears.

    When I’m running a group for women survivors and they share their stories, I find myself getting choked up and I tell them, “What you’re saying has really moved me. I’m so privileged to hear you.” The tears speak to what matters most.

    Being the “confident girl” was useful and gave me a skill for life, and a valuable lesson about being true to who you are and shouting it from rooftops. But it also taught me the lesson that appeared later in life: only being “confident girl” means shutting off from the dark places, from sadness, from grief, and ultimately genuine connection with other humans, and that’s not worth it.

    Finding the girl that can cry and feel and be moody and genuine has allowed me to have richer relationships, connect with lovers, and be myself in all my complications.

    It’s multi-storied, as we all are over our lifetime. One story, one experience, might not mean what you’ve currently chalked it up to.

    I wonder if this particular story will mean something else again in another ten years? I hope so. Because it’s all about a life of meaning-making, and I want that to be as complex and messy and beautiful and human as is possible, for myself and for others.