Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • 9 Beliefs You Have to Let Go If You Want to Find Inner Peace

    9 Beliefs You Have to Let Go If You Want to Find Inner Peace

    “Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~Adyashanti

    I don’t know exactly when it happened.

    It was probably about eighteen months ago, maybe a couple of years. I can’t really remember, and it doesn’t really matter.

    I was up to my neck in stress, and having one of those days.

    It was one of those days where you wake up late and your neck is a little stiff. One of those days where you skip breakfast, and you immediately feel that you’re behind schedule on every little piece of work. Where you have calls that you’ve forgotten to make, and emails that you’ve forgotten to send. One of those days where you know there’s no way you’ll have time to go to the gym later, even though today’s the day you need it the most! Just one of those days.

    So I got home from work, sat in my meditation chair, and tried to calm myself down. But the stress and the frustration weren’t going anywhere. I wasn’t going to simply breathe it away.

    As I sat there, struggling to relax, I found myself more and more wound up, until a deep pressure was gripping my forehead. Suddenly, in a split second, I just let go, and the flood gates poured open.

    I let go of wanting to solve any issues in my life. I let go of trying to be calm, or trying to be stressed. I let go of trying be happy, I let go of trying to be sad. I let go of problem solving, and I let go of ideas of procrastination.

    It wasn’t the kind of letting go where your mind subtly grips onto something else. The kind of letting go when you scream “I just don’t care anymore” but you know you’re now just holding onto the idea of “not caring.”

    It wasn’t that. It was just… letting go. And I realized at that moment that all my worries were tangled up this thick web of beliefs I had about what I should have been experiencing.

    See, it sounds like a cliche, and maybe it is, but I realized that I didn’t need to get anywhere. Exactly where I wanted to be was hidden behind layers of beliefs. It was cloaked behind a thick forest of shoulds and should-nots.

    But as much as I’d heard this before, it wasn’t until I was actually able to give in that I could start to clearly see the unconscious beliefs that had been getting in the way of my inner peace.

    To some extent, everyone seeking change and peace are initially guided by ideas. But I’ve come to realize since then that the real change happens when you let go of ideas, as opposed to following new ones. After a long process of meditation and journaling, I found that the nine beliefs l describe below are what we often hold onto unconsciously.

    I also came to the understanding that training my mind to “be present” or “be calm” could only get me so far. While I had many fleeting moments of peace, they often felt as if they came on top of a background of noise and confusion.

    When I started to let go of these ideas, the inner peace became the background, and the noise became what would visit and leave.

    Here are nine unconscious beliefs about life that get in the way of our inner peace.

    1. “I need to be doing something right now.”

    This is an incredibly subtle belief that most of us don’t even realize we are holding onto. It stems from our obsession with productivity and achievement, and it manifests as a constant, itching discontent.

    Though our ego tricks us into believing we need this feeling to get things done, when we can let it go we see a lot of our anxiety dissolves and our relaxation deepens. We’re also much more likely to enjoy what we need to do without the constant internal pressure of feeling that what we’re doing in this moment is never enough.

    2. “When I get what I want I will be happy.”

    This is another cliche that I’m sure most of us are aware of. But despite acknowledging that we don’t need to get anything to be happy, it’s easy for us to get caught up in the chase.

    To overcome this, we need to be mindful of when we have the feeling that we need something before we can be happy. When we see we’re doing this we can practice letting go of that need, even if only for a brief moment. The more capable we become at doing so, the more we will naturally experience happiness in the present, and the less our minds will fixate on ideas of the future for fulfillment.

    3. “Finding inner peace is difficult.”

    This is another myth that gets in the way. Many of us feel that we are far from inner peace, and we idolize those who seem to have found it. Because of this, we unconsciously believe that it’s a long way away from where we are in our lives, and we need to go on a long journey to find it.

    Maybe we’ve read books that suggest that fundamental change in how we feel or act takes years of difficult training or some sort of pilgrimage. But often it is letting go of the belief that what we want is so far away, and understanding that when you stop striving so aggressively you will start to see the calm you’re looking for. It is this process of turning your beliefs upside down that becomes the journey in itself.

    4. “If I express my emotions honestly people will think I’m weak.”

    We’re often taught, as we grow up, to keep a lid on our emotions. This is common for responses that are considered socially inappropriate such as anger, fear, and sadness. Though in many ways we’re also taught to limit how much we show our positive emotions such as joy and excitement. This leads us, in adulthood, to believe that honest expression will be met with disapproval by others.

    The irony in this is that as everyone is dealing with the urge to be authentic, those that actually do so are often met with respect and admiration.

    5. “If people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like it.”

    This is similar to the issue we have with emotional expressions. We hide certain aspects of our personality, defining ourselves publicly by what we show and privately by what we’ve hidden. The reality is that you are a lot more than either of those stories, and people will gravitate toward the real you because they appreciate honesty.

    6. “I should be happier right now.”

    In our culture, we fixate too much on social comparisons between individuals. When we don’t feel good, we look at what we have and feel guilty for not being happy enough. Or, we look at what we don’t have and wonder why we’re not as happy as the next person. Happiness isn’t something you need to have all the time; it comes and goes, like any experience, but it’s not a prerequisite for being human.

    7. “Not being the best me isn’t good enough.”

    There’s been a huge movement in the last twenty years toward personal development. Though a lot of these ideas are healthy, they can be driven by toxic motives. Most people don’t feel they need to better themselves out of a genuine need to improve their community, but out of the feeling that they’re not good enough in the first place.

    When you can strip yourself of this idea you’ll soon realize that the chase to being your best self is infinite and anxiety-inducing. You’ll see that you can love and appreciate yourself now, as you are, without needing to be someone else before feeling okay.

    8. “I owe the world.”

    This is a tough one and is related to the feeling of needing to be your best self. Though gratitude is important, it doesn’t mean we should walk around with the feeling that we’re in debt to the universe. We see this when people pathologically try to prove their worth to others. When we let go of the deep feeling of debt and obligation, we can then really start to give people what we have to offer.

    9. “There was a time in my past that absolutely sucked.”

    Often we become so identified with bad times in our past that they get in the way of us enjoying the present. We define ourselves with these past experiences and feel we need to share them with everyone we know before they know the real us. But when we come to realize that they are far less significant than we initially thought, we stop feeling like imposters and we let old memories fall away.

    —

    Many of these beliefs still come up in my day to day life. Sometimes when I start getting close to new people, I have the feeling in the back of my mind that they don’t know me until I’ve retold them a series of clips from my life story. I understand though that these stories aren’t who we are in this moment. What other people think of us and what we think of ourselves is constantly changing.

    Other times I find myself tired, or sick, and there’s an itching feeling that I should be happier, or I should just be doing more with my time. And like many of us, I still need to work on expressing my emotions honestly, without the fear that others will see it as a weakness.

    All of this is okay. These beliefs took a lifetime of conditioning to cement themselves in our minds, so it’s only right they should take a little time and effort before they’re able to be completely let go.

    Fortunately these constructs don’t have the same kind of grip over my psyche that they once had. In time, my anxieties have started to fade away and I’ve been able to ruminate less over unnecessary questions.

    What do you think about these unconscious beliefs? Have you had any experience with them? I’d love to hear from you. Share your thoughts in the comments!

  • How I Got Stronger and Healthier After Giving Up Animal Products (A Vegan Q&A)

    How I Got Stronger and Healthier After Giving Up Animal Products (A Vegan Q&A)

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    Not that long ago, I ate meat every single day. Every. Single. Day. For breakfast, I used to have fried eggs with feta or cottage cheese and turkey ham. My lunch consisted of minced beef or chicken with veggies. My dinner was then either leftovers from lunch or more meat/fried eggs/sometimes fish with veggies and cheese.

    I followed an intense workout routine, went to the gym five to six times per week to lift weights, and on top of that did another two cardio sessions per week in a beautiful park close to my apartment.

    The best I could do for my health, according to my personal trainer, was to stick to a high-protein, low-carb diet with lots of animal protein and avoid refined sugar. That also meant to drink one or two whey shakes per day.

    For some people, this might sound exhausting or even brutal. At the time, though, I loved my fitness lifestyle and was proud to be as lean as I was.

    For two years, this was my life, until I was offered a job abroad, which I accepted totally thrilled. This new opportunity was so exciting and full of possibilities! Sadly, I had to reduce my workouts and started to lapse when it came to my diet, meaning I ate significantly more carbs than before.

    I worked non-stop around the clock. Soon, I started to get sick more often. Despite a job change, things got worse.

    There was always something wrong with my body, either infections or injuries, which prevented me then from working out. The lack of exercise in turn led to feeling weaker. On top of that, I had to deal with a very toxic work environment, constant stress, internal gossip, difficult clients, and a lack of professional structure to only name a few unpleasant job-related factors.

    Whenever I was feeling slightly better, I used to fall ill again. I started to gain weight and lost muscle mass. It was like a vicious circle with no way out.

    The biggest support came from my boyfriend, who was there to take care of me. He was and still is my emotional rock. I don’t know what I would have done without him.

    Once you move abroad, your social circle shrinks considerably (at least mine did), thus making it hard to not feel lonely at times. Most of my closest friends who are my social support system live either in my home country or in other parts of the world making it difficult to connect.

    This state of mental and physical exhaustion lasted for a year and a half until I found the courage to walk away and quit my job. Once I had done that, I’d gotten rid of one of my biggest stress factors. Finally, I had time to focus on taking care of my health, body, and mind again.

    As a documentary lover, I started watching food and health related documentaries. They all had one strong message in common: the promotion of a plant-based diet. According to those documentaries, following a whole-food, plant-based diet solves a lot of environmental and, to my surprise, health issues. I was intrigued!

    I had a couple of friends following a plant-based diet already, so the idea wasn’t entirely new to me. A few weeks before quitting my job, I had suffered another internal infection and, therefore, reduced my meat intake to only once a month, following the advice of my gastroenterologist.

    Questions started popping up in my mind: What if I could get rid of all infections by cutting out animal products completely? What if my body could recover from all the diseases?

    I made my boyfriend watch those documentaries as well. He was shocked about the impact of animal products on our health. It took us a split second to decide that we were more than ready to give the plant-based diet a go!

    The change was easier than expected; there was not a lot we had to get rid of in our kitchen and not a lot of new ingredients to buy either. Cooking and preparing healthy dishes has always been one of our favorite hobbies, and having things like quinoa or amaranth in our kitchen has been normal.

    I quit drinking milk in 2013 and have loved almond milk since then, (Did you know that humans are the only animal species drinking milk from another animal, though this hormonal drink is only intended for baby calves to grow?)

    The only dairy products left in our fridge were five cups of Greek yogurt, a piece of butter, and a variety of cheese. Together with our last organic eggs, everything found a new home in a friend’s kitchen.

    Since the change, I feel so much better. It turned out that my new lifestyle wasn’t as complicated and hard to follow as I first imagined it would be. (I have to admit, having a special someone by your side doing the exact same thing makes it a whole lot easier.)

    The infections in my body have decreased, and I don’t get sick as easy and often as before. Finally, I’m able to go to the gym to work out again. Not as intense as I used to, but on a regular basis.

    I’ve consumed a high amount of animal products in the past, which is kind of the norm in our society. However, triggered by the lack of exercise and paired with a high stress level, it’s likely, that among other things, my high-animal-protein diet led to the many infections, a high level of inflammation, and a variety of illnesses I was struggling with.

    The change to a plant-based diet isn’t a magic bullet, but it plays a big part when it comes to living a healthy life, in my opinion.

    Sure, there are more things to consider like surrounding yourself with loving and compassionate people, regular exercise, being kind to yourself and others, and practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and mindfulness. Having said that, it would go beyond the scope of my post to delve into those topics.

    There’s this cliché and certain image that comes to everyone’s mind as soon as you mention the word “vegan.” Unfortunately, it’s often seen as being difficult or just plain weird. 

    That’s why one thing has been very important to me right from the start: I don’t want to be defined by the diet I follow. What does that mean? I simply don’t broadcast it and especially don’t use it to strike up a conversation. What I choose to eat and what not is not that big of a deal. Even some of my friends still haven’t noticed yet.

    However, when the subject comes up, the questions from friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers are often similar. Some people are really interested in my choice; others judge me for it. That’s the reason I felt compelled to write an honest Q&A, including the challenges I face in my everyday life and the personal benefits of my food choice.

    Being vegan and following a healthy whole-food, plant-based diet shouldn’t come with a stigma in our society. Let’s encourage an open, respectful, and honest conversation instead.

    Honest Q&A

    Why did you change to a vegan diet?

    Mostly because of health issues I was facing. I wanted to know if my health would improve with a plant-based diet. The high amount of animal products that our society consumes increases the likelihood of getting type 2 diabetes, cancer, strokes and heart attacks. All those diseases run in my family.

    What did you have to change in your everyday life?

    Not much, since I ate veggies and fruits lately most of the time anyway. I don’t cook with regular cheese or eggs anymore, which was the most difficult part in the beginning, because I truly was a cheese-aholic. There’s a scientific explanation for that, though. Long story short: Cheese triggers the same receptors in our brains as heroin, which is why I never met someone who doesn’t like cheese. Our society is simply addicted to it.

    Ok… what documentary did you watch?

    The first documentary I watched was Cowspiracy, followed by Food Matters and What the Health? The most comprehensive and objective one, in my opinion, is Forks over Knives. If you’re interested in the topic, I recommend to watch that one first. All documentaries are available on Netflix.

    Will you never eat meat again?

    I’m not entirely sure about that. Right now, being on a plant-based diet is definitely the right thing for me. However, a certain diet doesn’t mean that you have to be abstinent or else you’ll relapse and you have to start from zero again. Everybody should decide that individually since diets are such a personal topic.

    But you’re so limited now! What do you eat? There’s nothing left!

    At first glance, it might seem that way, especially if you’re used to eat only animal products. But there’s so much variety in all kind of different cuisines. So here’s what I eat:

    • Fruits
    • Vegetables
    • Whole-food options

    This Vegan Food Pyramid breaks it down nicely.

    My usual breakfast consists of:

    • Oatmeal with berries, banana, and almond milk
    • Or smashed avocado on dark bread

    For lunch I often have:

    • Stir-fried veggies with brown rice or quinoa
    • Sometimes I order veggie pad thai without any egg
    • Veggie sushi with brown rice (there are many different options at our local sushi stores)
    • A yummy salad with steamed vegetables, nuts, avocado, and pomegranate seeds

    For dinner, I love to make for example:

    • Zoodles (zucchini noodles)
    • Whole-wheat pasta with tomato sauce or pesto
    • Pineapple curry with dhal
    • Guacamole with sweet potato fries
    • A fresh tomato soup

    I currently live in the Middle East, so I also indulge in the local cuisine e.g.:

    • Hummus, one of my favorite dips made of cooked, mashed chickpeas, tahini, and olive oil
    • Falafel, deep-fried balls made of ground chickpeas
    • Baba ghanoush, a dip made of grilled eggplants and diced vegetables
    • Moutabal, another grilled eggplant based dip mixed with tahini
    • Loubieh bil zeit, green beans in olive oil with ripe cooked tomatoes and garlic cloves
    • Mouhammara, a spicy paste-like dip consisting of mashed hot peppers, olive oil, and ground walnuts
    • Alayet banadoura, super yummy sautéed tomatoes stewed with garlic, pine seeds, and olive oil

    There’s a ton of plant-based desserts as well that can be made at home easily. If I ever need a sugar fix, I get a piece of 90% dark chocolate, which also is vegan.

    But what about proteins? You need meat to cover that!

    Yep, I get that a lot. While this is wrong, it’s a strong belief in our society. But here’s a thought experiment: Where do the animals that we eat get their protein from? They eat plants; it’s as simple as that. High protein plant sources for example are lentils or edamame.

    You can’t eat pizza anymore. Or burgers. Don’t you crave those sometimes?

    I do crave pizza and burgers. And I eat them. The funny thing is that I don’t crave the meat or the cheese, but the comforting experience eating with my hands.

    There are vegan pizza ordering options or great recipes for easy plant-based pizza dough and vegan cheese. Same thing with burgers: There often are vegan patties available when ordering in. It’s also easy to make them at home e.g. crispy quinoa patties. And yes, they’re really yummy!

    Isn’t a plant-based diet expensive?

    Surprisingly, it’s not. The most expensive things we used to get at the supermarket were meat and eggs followed by cheese. Now we save up to 30% when we do our grocery shopping.

    I’m sure you’re not getting all your vitamins and nutrients without animal products.

    I hear this often, but it’s not true. A plant-based diet provides a ton of vitamins and minerals. I only take one supplement, which is Vitamin B12. Not only vegetarians and vegans suffer from Vitamin B12 deficiency, though, but also people consuming meat. Apart from that, I don’t lack anything.

    Sometimes, I read that you have to get Vitamin D supplements as well. Vitamin D however is produced by our own body as soon as our skin gets exposed to the sun and not by eating animal products. Other people believe they need to drink milk in order to get their calcium intake for a healthy bone structure.

    Surprisingly, studies confirm that a higher calcium intake leads to weaker bones and a higher amount of bone fractures. If you’re interested in those findings, please read here for further information.

    Don’t you miss anything?

    Surprisingly, not as much as I thought I would.

    What do you miss most?

    One of my favorite drinks was Baileys on ice, which I don’t drink anymore. Sometimes I miss that. And chocolate ice-cream.

    Are you now also a hippie-kumbaya-singing activist who only showers once a week and chains herself to train tracks?

    Okay, I made that one up. But unfortunately that’s the image a lot of people have once you mention being “vegan.” Let’s change that together!

    So you don’t eat fish?

    No, I also don’t eat fish or seafood anymore. But I do eat sushi stuffed with vegetables and avocado.

    Challenges I Face in Everyday Life

    Restricted choice of dishes in restaurants. Some restaurants only offer food options with animal products, and every dish contains at least butter or cheese. I only noticed that once I started studying the menu more intensively, and was really in disbelief.

    The wait staff gets often confused as soon as you mention “plant-based” or “vegan.” So I usually avoid it whenever I can and order instead the vegetarian option “without [insert animal product].”

    Depending on the country you live in, there’s a limited availability of some products. I’ve never seen the vegan Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream, for example, or any vegan cheese options in the U.A.E. In my home country Germany, however, there are even vegan supermarket chains.

    Few coffee shops offer milk substitutes like almond and coconut milk. Okay, this is kind of a first-world problem, but I need to get my daily coffee fix. Some coffee shops offer soy milk as the only milk alternative, but I don’t like the taste of it. Also the many controversial studies regarding soy simulating estrogen in our bodies confuse me, so I try to avoid larger amounts like a cup full of soy milk.

    Endless discussions with so-called friends or acquaintances who feel entitled to judge my food choices. It saddens me.

    Encounters with people who offer their unsolicited advice on how veganism is bad for my health (without having a nutritional background or an interest for healthy diets in general).

    I never try to educate people without them asking me first, but rather respect the choices everybody makes. Sadly, I rarely come upon the same behavior. However, if someone is genuinely interested in my choice, I’m happy to tell them about it and share my experience. I strongly believe in the saying ‘live and let live’.

    Noticeable Benefits of My Whole-Food and Plant-Based Diet:

    I sleep like a baby.

    My digestion improved significantly.

    My life got simpler. I always read the ingredients table on the food packaging in the past. Most of the time, I was worried about the origin of animal products. Did that hen live in a tiny cage in the midst of her feces? What did she eat and where did she lay her eggs? Does “organic” really mean organic? What about antibiotics? Is that really grass-fed beef?

    Since I cut out animal products, I only have to worry about the origin of fruits and veggies. Most of what we buy has organically grown in the U.A.E. or has been imported from Asia. I don’t like the thought of fruits or vegetables being flown around the globe, often only ripening on the plane, so we humans can indulge in whatever is not in season at the moment (or never) in the country we live in.

    My skin got a lot better.

    I feel healthier and more energized.

    I cook and bake more and love it.

    Some people claim that going vegan helps with weight loss. I’d say it depends from which weight and lifestyle you’re starting. I didn’t lose any weight, but my weight and body composition are also considered normal. Still, my goal is to fit into my jeans and tight dresses from my lean past with more ease, thus to reduce body fat. The journey is the destination.

    We spend less money on grocery shopping.

    I believe, that my choice reduces animal cruelty and environmental pollution.

    My action alone might not make much of a difference, but the actions of a lot of people do.

    Have you ever struggled with your health? What was your approach toward getting better?

  • 5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Start Looking For Love

    5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Start Looking For Love

    “Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” ~Russ Von Hoelscher

    Being in love is awesome. Sharing your life with someone special who gets you, adores you, and loves you for who you are is amazing. Sometimes, though, we need to work on ourselves before we are ready to attract a true love like that.

    Rather than jumping into yet another romantic adventure without thinking, I encourage you to answer these few questions. I know, at the time of my love search, that they would have served me well.

    Instead, I spent ten years dating every jerk under the sun, getting my heart broken on more than a few occasions, and wasting tons of time. I did a lot of growing and learning too, but if you can avoid pain, why not?

    In the end, it was all worth it, but if you want to speed up the process and find the best way to the right person, then I believe these questions can help you.

    Here they are:

    1. Am I ready?

    Readiness is not simply about being ready to give up things like your freedom and independence and devoting yourself to nurturing your relationship and sharing your life with another person. Readiness is also very much about living a fulfilled life right now as a single person. It’s about not needing a partner, but wanting one.

    Readiness is free of desperation. Readiness is about living purposefully and passionately. Being ready means being okay with your life as it is right now. Being ready is not about filling the gap in your life with a romantic partner, but creating a life you love to live. When you are this kind of ready, you attract happy partners and create happy and lasting relationships.

    2. Am I happy?

    You need to be happy before you can find a happy partner and build a happy relationship with him or her.

    It took me years to dissolve the belief that I’d be happy once I met someone and take responsibility for my own happiness. I now know that happiness doesn’t magically show up the moment you meet the love of your life. Happiness has to already be there. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. You need to tap into the happiness within.

    How can you do that? To start, shift your perspective and appreciate what you have rather than focusing on what you would have if you were in a relationship. And my number one tool to tap into the happiness within is a regular meditation. This will help you be more present in your life so you can tune into all the many other reasons to be happy.

    The happier you are right now, as a single, the happier a relationship you will be able to create. And this might go without saying, but the happier you are, the more others will be drawn to you.

    3. Are my boundaries healthy?

    It’s nice to imagine that love has no boundaries, and once you have found that amazing person, life with them will be nice and easy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is a recipe for a disaster.

    Without strong boundaries, you will lose yourself in any relationship you find yourself in. You will lose yourself in pleasing, accommodating, and compromising to the point where you won’t remember who you are and what you need.

    Healthy boundaries help you build healthy relationships. Healthy boundaries help you maintain a crucial sense of self. Healthy boundaries let others know where they stand with you and what is expected of them. Healthy boundaries give others clarity and make things simple. You need them in dating, in relationships, and definitely in your marriage. You’d better set those boundaries now and stick to them!

    Here are a few examples of boundaries which will help you maintain your sense of self and honour your own needs:

    • Don’t give up things you love doing for your partner
    • Speak your mind and say “no” when it feels like a “no”
    • Regularly do things on your own or just with your own friends
    • Have your own goals and dreams
    • Have your passions and purpose
    • Respect your own values
    • Spend quality time only in your own company

    Sticking to these rules will make you feel more empowered in early stages of dating and relationships. You also get more respect from people because by having boundaries you communicate self-respect to them.

    4. Do I love myself?

    How much love you have for yourself will determine your romantic decisions. If you don’t feel worthy of love, then you will make compromises that could hurt you. If you don’t feel like you are the best thing that can ever happen to a guy, then I reckon you still need to work on self-love.

    Self-love is bold. Self-love is about owning your greatness and uniqueness. Self-love is about claiming your desires. Self-love is about knowing what you deserve and going for it without apologising. It’s only when you love yourself that you won’t sabotage your dating and romantic happiness.

    To go deeper with self-love and recognizing your own worth you can create a list of 100 things you love, admire, appreciate, and respect about yourself. The things which make you feel proud about who you are!

    Also, you can create a little self-love ritual. In the morning, you can say: I love you, so today I choose to… eat healthy food, have some fun, exercise, go to bed early, have a bath, read a book etc. And in the evening, before you fall asleep you can appreciate yourself and say: I love you because… you are an awesome person, you are very helpful, you are fun, you are hot, you dealt with this client at work amazingly well today, you’ve cleaned the whole flat and it looks amazing…etc.

    5. Do I know what I want from a relationship?

    It is not enough to know that you want a relationship. It is not enough to know that you’re done with being single. It is not enough to know that you miss the company of a significant other.

    You need to know what kind of person you want to share your life with. You need to know how you want to feel in your relationship. You need to know how you want to live your life once you are in a relationship. Most of all, you need to know the type of person you want to be in this relationship.

    Take a piece of paper and journal about it. Gain clarity and explore what kind of relationship you want to create, and don’t forget to determine your non-negotiables! Knowing this will help you navigate \dates and avoid painful mistakes with people who can’t give you what you want and need. And for that, you need to know what you want in the first place, right?

    Be honest with yourself while answering these questions, and don’t judge yourself for going after what you want. Knowing what you want can save you lots of heartache and time. If you want your next relationship to be with someone who’s right for you, so your love together can last and thrive, it’s important to spend time getting to know yourself first.

    If some of your answers indicate that you’re not ready for the love search yet, don’t be afraid to take time off to deepen your relationship with yourself. This will only serve you long term. It is an investment into your amazing relationship, and investments do take time.

  • Why Cancer Was the Beginning of My Life, Not the End

    Why Cancer Was the Beginning of My Life, Not the End

    “It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Cancer.

    I’ll never forget the moment the words fell from my doctor’s mouth. In one fell swoop, the “perfect” persona that I’d spent thirty-plus years carefully constructing received what would ultimately become a fatal blow. Following that fateful day of demarcation, my life would never again be the same.

    But let me back up a bit.

    By the time I’d arrived at my early thirties, I was cloaked in all the trappings of outward success: a lucrative career in the high-paced, high-stress world of high-end commercial real estate; a swanky West L.A. apartment filled with pretty things and a closet full of designer clothes; and a perfect size-two body that I’d finally learned how to punish and deprive myself into maintaining.

    At that time, I was what I would now refer to as an expert in applying “Band-Aids.” Desperate to avoid confronting anything uncomfortable—whether in the realm of my body, mind, or emotions—I numbed myself with a creative array of distraction techniques.

    High-carb, sugary desserts were my go-to for suppressing painful feelings—and, soon after, toxic processed foods, diet pills, and eventually drugs became my go-to for managing the resulting weight gain.

    When work became too stressful, I’d buy yet another new outfit, round up my crew of girls, and throw back a few cocktails to drown out my day while rocking the dance floor late into the night.

    If I could hide the not-so-pretty painful stuff behind some slim fit designer jeans, a fresh highlight, and a smile, I thought, all would be a-okay. That I had no energy, got sick all the time, and generally felt like crap most of the time seemed acceptable, even normal.

    I had a collection of Band-Aids to mask those symptoms, too.

    A few weeks after I heard the c-word fall from the mouth of my doctor, I found myself staring up at a bright white light as the doctor cut an incision down the bridge of my nose.

    I felt nothing, but I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same.

    I just didn’t realize at the time how it was going to change. The significance of surgery on my face did not escape me.

    This was not on my ankle, but instead front and center where everyone would see it. My bangs were not going to hide this scar. Nothing could hide this outward reflection of my inner disconnect.

    The truth was there was no more hiding from anything. I knew my body was speaking to me at a whole new level. This was my wakeup call; it was time for the Band-Aids to come off.

    Wake Up!

    My body had finally captured my undivided attention, and I had questions: Why was this happening to me when I was so young? What was I doing wrong? How could I make sure this wouldn’t happen again?

    I had been worrying for so long about outer appearances that I had completely forgotten about my inner being. In an attempt to right my wrongs and heal my body, I started researching foods and other natural remedies to effect a deeper healing for all of the little ailments I’d been masking for years.

    I emptied out my freezer of all its frozen dinners and snacks, started eating whole foods, and began taking a few key supplements. In the beginning, these changes were no picnic; I had embarrassing gas, a rumbly tummy, extremely smelly armpits to the point that I had to get rid of all my shirts, and worse skin outbreaks than when I was a teen.

    But even though I felt utterly terrible, I was equally hopeful at the same time.

    It turns out that when I stopped applying Band-Aids that only concealed deeper imbalances, my body became free to heal and excrete all the physical toxins along with the toxic thoughts and emotions that I had been holding onto for decades.

    It was quite the experience.

    Think of a long-term smoker. While they are still smoking they may have only a small hacking cough, but once they quit, they will start coughing deeply all of the time. This is because once the exterior assault has ended, the body is actually able to start clearing out the damage and repairing tissue from years of daily abuse.

    That was me—the girl that had metaphorically just quit smoking and was now hacking up a lung in more ways that I care to admit. It was a heartbreaking, difficult, beautiful, painful, and everything in between.

    I bow at the feet of the human body. When I gave mine half a chance and a little support, it became a healing machine.

    I Am Awake!

    Changes started happening in my body. I began to have more energy. The detoxification became easier.

    My body felt better and the tinge of depression that I thought was just part of my personality began to fade and make way for a much more joyful existence. It was crazy how good it felt to actually feel good. But the thing I never expected when I started to heal my body is how much of my inner truth would fly up in my face.

    The voice of my inner truth became so darn loud that it pushed me right out of the type “A” designer life I had created and into one that was much more hippy-esque, loving, and accepting.

    I started to see life in new ways, I began to dislike things that I thought that I loved, and at times I barely recognized myself. Of course, this didn’t happen overnight, but it happened pretty quickly, and I knew that I could never go back to the self-punishing way of life that I had been living. Things had changed because I had changed from the inside out.

    In the ten years since c-a-n-c-e-r provided a catalyst for my own awakening, I have realized three powerful gifts that I received from this seemingly tragic experience.

    1. The truth heals.

    We human beings do a lot of crazy things so we don’t have to feel uncomfortable emotions or to run from ugly thoughts.

    We elude ourselves so we don’t have to admit that our relationship sucks, or we feel so painfully insecure that we need liquid courage to go out at night. We tell ourselves stories so we don’t have to face the deepest truths that lie under the surface, and yet those hidden truths are exactly how we heal.

    Cancer gave me the biggest opportunity in my life.

    It woke me up to deeper truths that I had been running from most of my life: Running from the pain of my parents’ divorce when I was ten years old, running from the twenty pounds I gained as a result of eating my feelings, running from the sadness of being a “bigger” girl, and never feeling good enough at anything even if I excelled at it.

    My overachieving size-two designer life was never going to fix these hurts of the past. You can’t run fast enough to escape the truth.

    It is always there whether you choose to acknowledge it and no matter how many Band-Aids you apply in an attempt to escape the inescapable.

    The running, the avoiding, the lying to myself had finally manifested as an illness, and it was going to kill me either literally, figuratively, or both. And I don’t know which one is worse, actually dying or just feeling dead inside. I am glad I never had to find out.

    2. Listen to the whispers of your soul.

    I never would have thought twice about the way I was eating, taking care of myself, or the way I was living my life until illness rattled my cage.

    It caused me to pay attention, to seek new learning and to evaluate my life.

    Sometimes we all need a wake up call. No one wants it to be a diagnosis, but I have come to realize that I had been given so many mini wake up calls, but I refused to listen.

    I was always catching colds and flus, but kept living on fast food and frozen yogurt. I continued my upward climb in a career that gave me anxiety and stressed me out to the point of not sleeping well and having chronic stomachaches. I was having pre-cancerous lesions burned off my legs and arms every time I visited the dermatologist, but I paid no attention, made no adjustments, asked no questions.

    My diagnosis had been building under the surface for years, quietly gaining momentum, and I ignored it all.

    I now know that it always works best to get the lesson at the point of a whisper, but for some of us we just don’t listen until our door gets kicked in. At least that was my experience and now, I have learned to get quiet.

    To listen early on and to make little adjustments as need be. To sense the subtleties, create the space for peace and quiet, and to live in a way that honors health.

    3. Build an authentic life.

    I knew deep down inside I was living a life that was not really reflective of who I was—or of who I was becoming. I knew it.

    I wouldn’t have admitted it, but I knew it.

    Occasionally, I would get these little whispers from my soul that I should make some changes, but my ego won out time and time again until I was diagnosed and I began to reset, re-evaluate, and reconnect to myself, to the true me.

    The person I was before I built this persona. To the little girl inside of me who just wanted to be loved and accepted.

    I found my way back to her and started to build a better life. One that actually felt good inside. It is never too late to discover who you really are, to continually seek to understand yourself better and allow yourself to evolve.

    You are always being supported to return home to you and live an authentic life.

    I have come to realize that we are all here to evolve, and every realization—even those that come about on the heels of illness, loss, or upheaval—is designed to support us in discovering and reclaiming more of our truth and getting used to owning it and expressing it.

    It takes courage. Oh boy, does it take courage.

    Life has its way of pulling you in all kinds of directions, but when you get quiet, when you connect to your soul, you know, you simply know, and all you have to do is muster up the courage to follow that knowing, one step at a time.

    And if you follow it, you will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow—or better yet, know that you are it.

    It turns out, the word cancer was not the end of my life; it was the beginning, a gateway to a higher way of living that I may never have found, or even thought to look for, otherwise.

    It was a soul whisper that became loud enough to command my attention, and, as soul whispers always do, it led me right to the perfect place.

    While it was impossible ten years ago to fathom all the ways I would evolve and expand, or the many insights that would open up along the way as my body healed, I now see that this entire experience lead me to a truth—a truth that is so powerful, it heals all.

    When we are willing to listen, illness can be our greatest teacher.

  • Feeling Anxious? People-Pleasing Could Be to Blame

    Feeling Anxious? People-Pleasing Could Be to Blame

    “Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.” ~Unknown

    White lights flutter before your eyes. Your chest tightens, as if under the weight of a hundred ten-pound bricks. You wonder if your next breath will be your last. Emotions rip through you: fear, glooming dread, hopelessness. Without warning or clear cause, these feelings consume you.

    You start to wonder if you’re going crazy. It’s like you no longer have control over your own body, your own thoughts.

    This is the experience of chronic anxiety. And if you’ve ever encountered it, you know that the presence of it—and the absence of answers or solutions—can make you feel like you’re losing it. It can make everything that was once enjoyable feel like a struggle.

    I know this feeling all too well.

    I used to suffer from periodic anxiety attacks in my early twenties. They left me perplexed and afraid. I felt like I was being possessed. I felt out of control and believed I was dying all the time, with no evidence of a real illness.

    Anxiety stole parts of my life from me, until I decided I wouldn’t let it take away my hope for a better future. One day, embarrassed after having to pull over onto the side of the road in order to breathe, I decided to get help for my anxiety attacks.

    I realized then that people pleasing was causing me anxiety in two ways.

    First, I felt anxiety about being imperfect, making mistakes, and making choices that others didn’t approve of, especially in my family relationships. Then I felt more anxiety because I thought I shouldn’t feel this way. I thought if people knew I was suffering from anxiety that they would reject me.

    Life can be messy, strange, and hard sometimes. And it gets even harder when the faith you once had in yourself is bulldozed by your inability to take a deep breath and calm yourself down.

    It’s hard not to blame yourself. It’s hard to avoid feeling inadequate, like your issues are all your fault. It’s especially hard when you’re a people-pleaser.

    Chronic people-pleasers want to look presentable all the time, like we have it all together and our lives are perfect. Anxiety doesn’t fit into the perfect lives we’ve established for ourselves. So when it hits, we become our harshest and cruelest critics.

    We fail to realize that when we don’t accept our symptoms, we only exacerbate them. We forget that judging things never makes them better. We can’t help but get angry with ourselves.

    Stop Playing Pretend

    Anxiety had its most crippling effects on me when I was in college. I believed I needed to get all A’s on my report card in order to be a good student. I also believed that if I had to study to get good grades, I was somehow intellectually inferior.

    I studied a lot for tests—more than what I thought should be necessary. But when I talked to other people, I pretended like I’d barely studied at all. And whenever I received the occasional B, I beat myself up pretty harshly.

    I didn’t want anyone to know that I didn’t have the best report card. Little did I know at the time it made me appear pretentious and stuck up.

    After graduation, I interned at a university clinic, where I started to see clients. With each client, I was assigned a therapy room. This one time, I accidently used a room that wasn’t assigned to me. When the therapy was over, the clinical supervisor was not very happy with me and did not have trouble showing it.

    Not knowing how to handle disappointing someone, I cried to her and ran off because I could feel a panic attack coming on. Later I felt like a baby, and couldn’t understand why I had such a strong reaction to making a mistake.

    Later I realized I was always anxiously trying to please people because it was difficult for me to deal with disappointing others. I thought somehow making a mistake devalued me as a person, and that made me anxious to think about.

    I would assess my worth on how much I could do right, instead of realizing I had intrinsic worth regardless. This experience helped me understand that my urge to please was based on anxiety and fear more than anything else.

    I spent that time of my life hiding who I was and putting a fake smile on my face.

    In trying to appear perfect, I became rigid and lost my edge and my humor. I resisted my outgoing personality because I thought I would interrupt people too much. I thought I should always let others take center stage while I didn’t ruffle any feathers in the background.

    I pretended everything was great, but it wasn’t. I was suffering from crippling anxiety, feeling disconnected, and often misunderstood. I was hiding my pain, and my frustration with people who were acting rude and selfish.

    I gave advice and ran to the rescue of anyone in despair, and partook in activities that I didn’t necessarily enjoy. I hid my true self by hiding behind other people’s problems. I convinced myself that there was no room for me.

    Through my own experience, I learned that the greatest changes begin when we look at our problems with interest and respect, instead of judgment and denial. When we allow our true thoughts and feelings into awareness, we have the opportunity to learn from them instead of unconsciously reacting to them without knowing why.

    We keep our negative feelings relaxed by not ignoring them, and we increase our awareness of reality by being willing to encounter our personal truths.

    After therapy, I learned that my panic attacks were a reminder that I was a human, not a perfect being. I needed to be acknowledged for who I was, instead of always putting others first or forcing myself to have it all together.

    I needed to know that my worth didn’t depend on what I did for others or what grades appeared on my report card.

    Our bodies have so much wisdom, and sometimes they know more than we realize. Sometimes our anxiety is merely a signal telling us to take a closer look within.

    Anxiety As A Symptom, Not The Disease

    When I first sought therapy for my panic attacks, I thought they were a sign of weakness that needed to be eliminated. What I came to understand is that we can choose to bury our unexpressed emotions and deep thoughts, but they’ll come back later, often in unpleasant ways.

    In my case, they came back as panic attacks. When aspects of ourselves are distanced, denied, or devalued, they’ll always try to make us listen by surfacing as unwanted symptoms.

    Think about what some aspects of your ignored self are trying to tell you. Maybe your symptoms are coming up as chronic anxiety, depression, muscle pain, headaches, feeling lost, etc.

    The analogy of the missing roommate, from Bill O’Hanlon and Bob Bertolino’s book Even from a Broken Web: Brief, Respectful Solution-Orientated Therapy for Sexual Abuse and Trauma, can help clarify the impact of ignoring our inner selves.

    The Missing Roommate

    Imagine that there are a bunch of people living together in a house, and they decide to kick out one of their roommate because they don’t like him. They lock him out and change the locks.

    He comes to the door and tries persistently to get back in, but the roommates tell each other to ignore him, thinking he will go away.

    After a while, he becomes exhausted and slumps against the door. They think he’s gone away and won’t cause any more trouble. For quite a while, it seems to have worked. But he’s really just sleeping outside the door.

    Eventually, something wakes him up, and he decides he wants to get back in the house. He pounds on the door again but gets no response and becomes tired again. Finally, he becomes desperate and crashes through the front window.

    That is what happens when parts of your true self are vanished, unexpectedly. The parts of you that went missing will want to show you who you’re meant to be. They’ll scream, “I want to come back! I am part of you! I will not be ignored!”

    This is how it happened for me. I got so caught up in trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be, I lost who I actually was.

    However, when we devalue parts of ourselves, they develop a mind of their own. They may go away for a while, at the expense of our wellbeing and relationships, but before long they’ll come crashing through the front window.

    We must realize that the experiences we have, even seemly negative ones, are here to teach us, challenge us, and allow us to grow.

    How you see yourself, your life, and your options is shaped by your mindset. If you live with the mindset of a people-pleaser, you’ll constantly feel pressure to fit in, make others happy, be liked, gain acceptance, and seem happy all the time. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you feel anxious!

    When I reached out for the help of a therapist, I thought there was something wrong with me because of how sick I’d gotten. I wasn’t able to see that even if I could benefit from making some changes, my anxiety wasn’t my fault. I needed to grow so I could learn to better manage my life and be okay with sometimes disappointing other people in order to take care of myself.

    It’s okay to make mistakes; it’s all right for people not to approve of all your choices; it’s fine to have the occasional issue. In fact, it’s through the pitfalls of life that you can learn and experience who you are.

    I’m thankful for my panic attacks. They allowed me to open my eyes and change my life. I started making myself a priority and embraced my imperfections with open arms.

    —

    Editor’s note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific—”Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, December 24th.

    Update: The winners have been chosen. They are Stephen Chavez and Julie.

  • Why Scientists Agree That Dancing Is the Best Way to Get Fit and Live Longer

    Why Scientists Agree That Dancing Is the Best Way to Get Fit and Live Longer

    “You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough.” ~Mae West

    The other day, I saw a bit of a clip from a video of the Stones’ last world tour. Mick Jagger was prancing round the stage like an eighteen year-old.

    It was a bit depressing. Why can’t I do that still?

    I used to be a demon dancer. Well, I thought I was at the time, like teenagers do.

    I don’t feel like a demon dancer now. I really ought to get some more exercise.

    Do you feel like that? That you ought to exercise, but you can’t really get up the steam to do it? That somehow, it’s all too much hassle, even though we all know how important it is?

    “Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.” ~Jim Rohn

    I’m always looking for some way of doing exercise that I enjoy and will stick with.

    Are you like me? You’ve tried—not just tried; you’ve tried everything?

    But it doesn’t work out.

    I took up swimming before work.

    You have to wear your work clothes and change in and out of them. Your hair gets wet and takes ages to dry. If you’re unlucky, you drop your suit jacket on the muddy changing room floor. So, you go to work with a jacket with a dirty stain on it. Plus, you smell of chlorine all day and get plantar warts.

    When I was well into the corporate life, I went to a gym, but that wasn’t much fun. I was always tired, even before the extra journey to get there. There are all those incomprehensible machines to make you do unnatural things. It’s boring, nobody talks to anyone else, and the changing rooms smell horrible.

    I took up running. That was better, although mostly still nobody to talk to. At least it was outside in the fresh air. I even ran to work sometimes, although you have all the shower and change of clothes difficulties at work then.

    I did a few fun runs and that was a bit of a laugh—but I got quite fit! Then I had a small accident and suddenly running wasn’t a good idea any more. Bad for the back, bad for the knees.

    Since then I’ve been sure to keep on walking. Every day. But it’s rather boring, doing the same walks over and over again. In the town, there’s all that pollution to deal with too. And it isn’t any fun at all when it’s raining.

    No wonder people don’t get enough exercise—it’s all too difficult in today’s world.

    Here I am, still not that fit and getting a bit less fit as each year goes by. Making the same old New Year’s resolutions.

    The Science of Exercise and a Bit of Motivation

    I came across an article about how scientists had determined the best exercise for a long and active life. Yeah, I want to live a nice long time. Show me where to sign up!

    Scientific research shows that the best exercise you can get to live longer and in better health is dancing. What—old fashioned, may I have the pleasure, ballroom type dancing? (Well, it is very popular now.) How can that be the latest, best new exercise hack?

    Did you go dancing when you were young? I did. Friends and laughter, and the music was great! It beat hockey practice, or netball or football or whatever sports we were made to play at school.

    And the scientists agree! Dancing does much more for your body, your muscles, and your brain. You have to be disciplined, coordinated, flexible. You need good posture and strong muscles. You have to control your breathing.

    It keeps your brain active, because you have to integrate so many different things at once—moving your arms, legs, and head in the right way, keeping in time to the music. You have to be aware of others on the dance floor and gracefully avoid them. You have to memorize the steps.

    All that work makes your brain develop more cells and a bigger hippocampus. It helps protect you against memory loss, against cognitive decline.

    It’s great for preserving your sense of balance; dancers don’t fall over as they get older and so they stay out of hospital and live longer.

    It’s sociable; mostly you dance with other people. And you can practice at home if you want.

    It lifts your spirits and stops you from getting depressed.

    You live longer, you’re happier, you have more energy, and you make friends.

    So, lots of scientific reasons to motivate you to get dancing.

    “Exercise is a tribute to the heart.” ~Gene Tunney

    What did the scientists miss, though? They missed that it is loads of fun to dance. They missed that this is something that you can really love doing.

    They missed that there’s a huge variety of styles, that there’s always something new to learn. Tap, salsa, Zumba, ballet, ballroom, country, barn, folk, Morris, Russian, Hungarian, jazz, modern, line dancing—there’s too many types to list!

    They missed out the connection to the music.

    Viennese waltzes by Johann Strauss. Musicals from the thirties, and every decade since. Rock music from the Beatles. Jazz by the likes of Charlie Mingus and Take Five by Dave Brubeck. Folk from Bob Dylan and Joan Baez. Pop from Abba. Latin American. Bollywood.

    I love sixties music best. What can beat the Rolling Stones’ great hit, “Satisfaction” for a great dance number? Look, the Stones are still out there playing to the crowds. They are still dancing and show few signs of giving it up, for all their age. They look as though they love it.

    The scientists missed talking about motivation too. As I was saying, it’s a big issue for exercise, finding the motivation to do it. It’s a big issue for me and loads of people just like me.

    So, we need to do something that actually want to do. We need to find ways of making exercise such fun that we’d rather be doing that than anything else.

    If the music makes your heart sing, then dancing might be the exercise for you. Even if it just makes your feet tap and gives you a bit of an itchy feeling, dancing could be the way for you to get fit again.

    Of course, if you love dancing already, then what’s to stop you?

    With winter coming up (in the northern hemisphere), my husband and I have decided to put on one track a day and dance as hard as we can. We want to have fun together, bask in the nostalgia of music from our younger years, and get fit again.

    We can’t think of a better way to do it.

    Using Your Heart for Motivation to Exercise 

    Let’s follow our hearts and our hearts will look after us. We’ll be doing our brains a favor as well. Hearts and brains both love dancing.

    Exercise won’t be such a struggle, and we’ll reap the benefits down the years.

    Doing exercise right means that we’ll be living our lives right too and the one life we have will be a long, happy, and active one.

    Go dance your heart out like the Stones and I’ll see you on the dance floor. I’ll be the one dancing down those long extra years I’ll gain from sticking with the exercise.

  • An Improbable Story of Healing and a Girl with a Wand

    An Improbable Story of Healing and a Girl with a Wand

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    It’s the worry, I think. The constant worry. Is she safe? Will she make the right choices? Will she find a young man that will cherish and support her? The worry is always there. It never leaves.

    She recently visited Los Angeles for the first time. A business trip. She had a few hours to kill. What to do? The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter! The girl is not shy. Flying solo would not be a problem.

    Later that night I get the call. The hot topic was how to properly pick out a wand. She even texted me a visual aid. And apparently, she’s a Ravenclaw. A “sorting hat” made that determination.

    I could have sworn she was Gryffindor!

    Yep. Two nerds. Later that evening, I get another text, “Goodnight, Old Man.” I respond with, “Goodnight, Dweeb.” Our banter always brings a big smile to my face.

    The thing that hit me so hard about that conversation was her innocence. She’s twenty-seven years of age and yet that precious part of her remains.

    My armor is old and unyielding. Well worn from decades of struggle. But with her, all that melts away.

    Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. Like a toddler falling for the first time. A primal flood of emotion. The kind you can’t run from.

    I was never supposed to have a twenty-seven-year-old in my life. It was never supposed to happen. Now what? I mean, okay, fine, feel the feels. But this went way beyond emotions. Feelings.

    I had become a role model. A guardian of sorts. This was never supposed to happen. Not to a guy like me. I was cut from a different cloth.

    My father’s version of parenting began with a right hook and ended with bruises. His rage, the look in his eyes, was terrifying. And my mom, in spite of her good heart, was an alcoholic nearing the end.

    She died of cancer when I was just twenty-eight. Ten years later, my father passed. I got the news from Google. A random search done on a whim. I had not seen him in over twenty years.

    This was my life. The only life I had ever known.

    Losing my mom was tough, for sure. But more than anything, it was a relief. I know that sounds horrible but it was. Even more so with my dad. I was finally free. The burden had been lifted. The darkness was no more.

    That was the cloth I inherited.

    So I had to go it alone.

    I would make my own luck. I would craft new DNA. Whatever the price, I was willing to pay it. Which helped me to break down walls. Healing? Not so much.

    By age thirty, I was making six figures without a degree. I’ve run ad agencies, been a top-tier management consultant. I’ve directed and produced two short films and a play.

    I rose above the right hook.

    I rose above the mother that was never there. I rose above the odds that predicted my doom. Which brings us back to the spirited young lady in my life.

    Brooke had wrapped up college and was about to enter the workforce. It was not going well. Friends suggested a trade agreement. Brooke’s legendary organizing skills for a few coaching sessions.

    No big deal. A little pro bono work.

    A few months in, her walls collapsed. All the pain and fear. Years of struggles. Tears running down her cheeks. There she was standing before me. All of her.

    It took me a few days to process everything. Being a caretaker? To a twenty-two-year-old girl? The Universe was clearly stoned. How else to explain it? I had no answers.

    But as each day passed, my resolve deepened.

    Someone had to stand up for this girl and that someone had to be me. Because, you know, an almost fifty-year-old single man, mentoring a single twenty-two-year-old girl, that doesn’t throw up any red flags!

    My life is rarely boring.

    I still believed this would be a no-brainer. Easy breezy. Provide some counsel. Buy an occasional lunch. Help Brooke on her journey.

    Like I said, no big deal.

    Our brokenness is always there, beneath the surface. Stirring. Churning. Waiting to heal. It just takes the right set of ingredients. The right circumstances.

    For me, that was a 5’4” twenty-seven-year-old with a Harry Potter wand in her hand.

    It’s actually kind of perfect, given the people involved. As the years passed, the trust between us grew. And she started opening up. The real stuff. Career. Boys. Life. Roommates. Money. Insecurities. We talked about everything. Still do.

    Which included calling her out when need be. That always felt odd. She’s not my spawn but at times, I seriously have to wonder.

    I took all the calls when her world collapsed. I occasionally cooked her breakfast, which included insane amounts of bacon. We started going to movies and just hanging out.

    And more of my armor fell. Piece by piece.

    And more her armor fell. Piece by piece.

    Then I noticed something. Several somethings, actually.

    She was doing a lot better. She was growing into a confident, successful young woman. And she would emulate me. Which was kind of crazy. And totally awesome.

    I had to be a legit role model. Holy crap!

    And then the check-in phone calls and texts started happening. She needed a comforting voice. My voice. I had become that voice. Wait! What? When did that happen? And wow, that happened?!

    It was all very humbling and beautiful.

    When the holidays rolled around last year, we decided to meet for breakfast and exchange gifts. Kerbey Lane, an Austin favorite. It was my turn to rip open presents.

    I knew it was a book. You always know when it’s a book. But this was no ordinary book, this was Tsugele’s Broom, a favorite from her childhood.

    And it came with very specific instructions.

    The book told the story of an independent young woman in search of a good man. Brooke’s instructions were simple. When I believed she had found such a man, I was to return the book.

    What the hell was happening? More tears welled up. Is it always like this?

    I was suddenly overcome by a profound need to immediately hug her. Unfortunately, that almost resulted in me knocking over our table. A gymnast, I am not.

    A few people looked up. I blushed. She had a good laugh.

    This young woman. This dweeb.

    I love her so very much. And I worry.

    Adulting. Right?

    Wow, that’s happening.

    The right-hook childhood. The dark trauma of my youth. All that stuff is slowly healing. Beneath the surface. The deep kind of healing. A soul scrub of sorts.

    And so it is with her.

    I get to watch that happen. I get to be a part of that process.

    Because as it turns out, I am cut from a cloth that can protect. I am cut from a cloth that can love and not abuse.

    That is the cloth I wear now.

    And it took a Ravenclaw for me to see it!

    Which is not to say that it’s all roses. There is still work to be done. And we’re finding those answers together. One moment at time. Two imperfect nerds finding their way.

    A middle-aged man. A twenty-seven year-old girl with a wand.

    In this life, I got to be an almost dad.

    Ya know?

    It’s kind of a big deal.

    In my final moments, whenever they may come, I’ll remember Brooke’s first tears. The tears that called me out. And the fact that I answered that call.

    There is so much more to you than you could ever realize. Seriously. It’s true. So answer the call. Whatever that may look like for you. Answer the call.

    Find the cloth you thought impossible to wear.

    Because it’s down there. Somewhere.

    Keep looking.

  • Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message

    Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message

    “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” ~Maya Angelou

    I’ve always had a complex relationship with anger.

    When I was young, I used to think I was somehow above anger. I would brag to people that I never got mad. Sure, I’d admit, I hated some people, but at least I wasn’t angry.

    When I began therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with persistent depression and panic attacks, I started to see the feebleness of that particular story. I did get angry, it turned out, quite frequently, and I found that things went much better when I allowed myself to feel it.

    I began to learn that my anger often contained useful information about me and what I wanted.

    It alerted me to the fact that one of my boundaries had been crossed, or that there was something I wanted to speak up about. It let me know when I felt hurt. I saw how my closest relationships could allow for anger without falling apart, and I began to accept it as a normal part of the human condition, perhaps even a helpful one.

    Still, as I perused self-help books and blogs and learned from spiritual teachers, I read about the dangers of anger over and over again.

    It’s the enemy of nonviolence, Gandhi said. The Dalai Lama once asserted that it’s the main destroyer of a peaceful mind. Even the Buddha is quoted as saying that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

    So I asked myself: Was it better to try to quell anger or embrace it?

    A Life-Changing Distinction

    I muddled through as best I could, hedging my bets and working to accept anger without amplifying its flames, until I began going to a local meditation class where the emphasis was on moving energy.

    The meditation is based on a blend of Buddhist and Taoist practices. In addition to developing mindfulness, we’re encouraged to notice the energy within us—whether emotional or spiritual—and let it move through us. We do this by noticing the physical sensations of the energy and then following their lead, either by making noise, moving our bodies, or simply observing with nonjudgmental awareness and presence.

    One day a fellow participant asked the teacher how to handle the large amount of angry energy she was feeling.

    “Move the energy of the anger,” my teacher said. “It’s not good or bad; it’s just what wants to happen. When you make space for the energy and allow it to move through you, it transforms you. Just don’t get caught up in its story.”

    I’d never heard anybody separate the story of anger from its energy before, but the distinction helped me a lot.

    I realized that when I feel the first flush of anger, I often come up with a story: Things shouldn’t be this way. He shouldn’t have done that. It’s her fault I’m feeling bad.

    Stories are about assigning blame, making people right or wrong, and moving into better than/worse than. They’re not so helpful. I realized that it’s anger’s story, not its energy, that “burns” us.

    Anger’s energy is neutral. It doesn’t seek to blame or make anybody right or wrong. When I feel anger in my body, I feel a burning sensation, a warmth, and a flow of intense energy. That’s it. It actually reconnects me to the strength in my core and reminds me that I’m powerful, capable, and alive.

    Hearing a Hidden Message

    It was while moving the energy of anger that I first heard its hidden message.

    Someone—a Very Important Person in my life—accused me of treating him poorly and having less-than-stellar intentions. I don’t remember his exact words, but I do recall that they implied I had been deliberately inconsiderate, selfish, and hurtful.

    I was outraged and began to tell a story. Why couldn’t he see my good intentions? It wasn’t fair; I was doing my best. He was being unreasonable, hurtful, and cruel.

    Fortunately, I knew enough to leave the conversation as soon as I realized I was triggered and go somewhere where I could move the energy. As I was feeling the burning heat of the anger, I realized that I was making the same movement over and over with my arms; pushing them out and away from my chest, I looked like I was trying to shove something away from myself.

    Suddenly it occurred to me: What I was trying to push away were the judgments, accusations, and negative opinions of my Very Important Person. It was almost like I was trying to set a physical boundary so that they wouldn’t penetrate my own being or take root in how I viewed myself.

    That’s when I realized that the energy of anger was trying to prevent me from internalizing my loved one’s criticism.

    An Inexhaustible Well of Strength

    As I kept pushing the negative opinions away from myself mentally and physically, I began to feel a sense of strength. I realized that I had a choice: I don’t have to take on anybody else’s judgments. I can choose to hold my own truth, one that sees the goodness in myself and everyone else, and I can act based on what feels right to me.

    Along with the sense of strength came a sense of immensity. It was like all the criticism and accusations had felt so huge and crushing just moments earlier because I had forgotten how big I was. Once I stood up to my full height, they seemed more like mosquitoes biting at my ankles.

    Feeling my own power and size again, I realized that I was free to say what I needed to say, no matter how difficult, without fear of how he responded. His thoughts and feelings couldn’t hurt me, after all. For someone like me with codependent tendencies who often cares too much about the opinions and expectations of others, this was pretty revolutionary.

    And then the most amazing thing happened. The anger burned itself right out.

    I believe this is because when I’m connected with my own power, I can advocate for and take care of myself. When I see clearly who I really am, nothing can threaten my sense of myself as a good person. Others have no real power over me.

    As a result, there’s no need for the anger, no need to either defend or attack, and no need to make my loved one wrong. After all, he’s really only trying to take care of himself in the best way he knows how, and no matter what he does, I have options in terms of how I choose to respond.

    All of this allowed me to go back to my Very Important Person, apologize for where I had been unskillful, express compassion for his suffering without taking responsibility for it, and let him know how the way he had communicated affected me. I was able to make a request about how he communicates with me when he’s upset.

    Afterward, we both understood each other better, and though it didn’t resolve the issue then and there, it did lay a foundation for finding resolution in the future.

    The Great Gift of Anger

    Anger is a perfect example of something that’s both/and, not either/or. It can be incredibly destructive if we pay too much attention to its story, and it’s also a healing and transformative force.

    It arises from a misunderstanding—that what I want and need is at the mercy of others—and it also contains within it the key to breaking free from that misconception.

    Anger arises when I forget that I already have everything I need within me (and by now I’m aware enough to recognize that this happens on a daily basis). I now see it as a fiercely loving force. It wants me to reconnect to my strength and size. It wants me to transform. It wants me to take back the power that is mine to treat myself with love and respect.

    It does its job by persisting until I am reminded of who I really am. I do mine by letting go of my small story long enough to hear its higher message.

  • How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    “Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I needed a bit of extra cash last month, so I took on a temporary events role working at a local design exhibition.

    I’ve worked in events before, so I didn’t think much about it.

    I just knew that I needed some money, I liked doing events, and a short contract had presented itself.

    It seemed perfect!

    So off I went to my first shift, feeling pretty good about myself and about life.

    The first event was at a studio in a deserted industrial park. Even at 5:30pm, when it was still light, I felt uncomfortable walking the ten minutes from the bus stop.

    When I got there, I quickly realized that the role wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought it would be: standing shivering outside in the cold, wearing an exhibition t-shirt, registering attendees, most of whom weren’t on the guest list but were expecting to be on the list.

    So they got shirty.

    And the line up grew longer.

    So they got even more shirty.

    Two hours later, and I was starting to wonder why I’d taken on the role. (And don’t get me wrong—I know there are worse jobs, and that I’d signed up for it myself. I’m not looking for pity.)

    I started talking to the other girls who were working there. They were students, and it turns out they were a lot younger than me—nineteen and twenty-four. (I’m thirty-five.)

    Now, I know that age doesn’t make a difference, and I’m generally pretty comfortable with my age. (Getting older is better than the alternative!) But in that moment, I felt pretty crappy.

    So as I stood in the cold, with two girls ten to fifteen years younger than me, working for a near minimum wage job, I started to feel down.

    I started feeling sorry for myself.

    And at the end of the night, as I waited for the bus in the cold, dark bus depot, feeling pretty low, I texted a friend who I knew would understand.

    My text read:

    “What the hell am I doing?! I’m thirty-five years old, and I just worked a minimum wage job in a dodgy part of town, with a nineteen year old, and now I’m waiting for the hour-long bus journey to take me home.

     My other friends are doctors or lawyers, own houses, and drive their (nice) cars to their places of work. 

    Ever feel like you’ve missed the boat somewhere?!”

    My friend was sympathetic (she’s temping and traveling around Europe while most of her peers are buying houses, having kids, and generally “doing very well.”)

    And then she said something that really stuck with me. Something that brought it all home:

    She simply said:

    “Think of your long-term vision.”

    This is how she explained it to me:

    “Yes, you’re doing a minimum wage role (temporarily). And yes, you’re working with people much younger than you. And taking the bus to work.

    But you’re doing all this for a reason.

    You’re doing this so you can set up your business. You’re doing this so you can create a new life for yourself—a life to really be proud of.

    You’re doing this for the end goal.

    So yes, it is sucky right now. But think of your long-term vision.”

    I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder.

    Because that was exactly it: I was working the job to earn extra money while I set up a business I’m passionate about.

    I was temporarily in a murky patch so I could get to a better place in the future.

    And I had forgotten my long-term vision. I had gotten caught up in the short-term

    And this is so easy to do.

    So I’d like to share my experience with you, to remind you of this powerful idea: Keep your long-term perspective in mind.

    Don’t get caught up in what is happening now, only.

    Think of the bigger picture: your big plans, your long-term goals.

    If you’re setting up your business and feel like you’re not getting anywhere, think of the long-term vision.

    You might not get anywhere in the first few months, but what about the next year or two? How far could you get if you kept going and putting in the effort?

    If you’re working two jobs in order to go traveling after grad school, keep that vision in mind.

    Think of setting off on that plane with your passport in hand, sipping an espresso in a village in Italy, or seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time.

    Keep your long-term vision in mind.

    If you’re writing a book and you’ve rewritten the first chapter ten times, think of your long-term vision: being an author.

    Picture having your first book published and seeing it on sale in your local bookstore.

    If you’re training for a half marathon and you busted your knee running, rest up, and think of your long-term goal: crossing that finish line.

    Don’t worry about the things happening now. The crappy jobs you take… the revisions you’re making… the demo tapes you’re sending off with no replies… the manuscript rejections. These are all temporary.

    But the long-term, if you keep taking action and putting one foot in front of the other, could be very different.

    If you let it.

    If you keep going.

    If you keep your goal in mind, and keep it clear.

    See, I had forgotten my reason for taking on this temporary events role.

    It wasn’t to work in the cold while annoyed guests took their impatience out on me.

    (Funnily enough!)

    It was to earn money so I can keep working on my business.

    To keep afloat while I follow my dream—my passion.

    Something that makes me feel excited and proud and hopeful and exhilarated.

    But, hang on, I know what you’re thinking:

    Sounds easy, but how do you do it in practice?

    How do you focus on the long-term, while you’re dealing with the difficulties of the short-term?

    So here’s how I did it. I hope these points are helpful for you too:

    1. Get clear on your goal, and display it somewhere prominent.

    Post it on your wall. Set it as your phone backdrop. Make it your computer wallpaper.

    Anything. Just make it visible. So you have a reminder, day in, day out, of what you’re working toward.

    2. Know how your short-term plans are feeding into your long-term goal.

    Get clear on how your actions are contributing to it.

    E.g.: I am putting up posters in the rain at eight o’clock at night so that people know about my business and I can eventually help people with my successful and inspiring series of retreats.

    I am taking the bus to this business event two hours from my hometown so I can meet people who might be able to help me get a job in my desired industry, or give me tips on how I can make it in this competitive market.

    3. Team up with someone doing something similar.

    Texting my friend was the best thing I could have done because she understood. She sympathized. I didn’t feel judged, or stupid.

    So find someone in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t have to be in person—go online and seek out supportive websites, Facebook groups, whatever it is that helps you realize you’re not alone.

    4. Know that everyone goes through this.

    The people you see at the top of their game didn’t start there. They sweated, and toiled, and kept going when the end seemed unrealistic, or even impossible at times.

    No one promised them they would get to the top. So they used their belief to keep them going.

    Think of anyone you admire, in any field…

    Did they work hard to get there, or did they have it handed to them magically on a plate? Did they take time to get to where they are now, or did it happen overnight?

    5. Appreciate where you are now.

    See the positives as well as the negatives. Your blog only has four readers? Great—think of all the mistakes you can make without anyone knowing or making harsh comments!

    Working a boring job while you pay your way through school? Then sign up with a friend, and make it fun!

    Because—without sounding negative—you will still have issues and problems when you get to where you want to be. They’ll just be different problems and issues. So enjoy the problems you have now.

    I might have moaned about my long bus journey home at night, but if I’m traveling for business in the future, there could still be times where my flight is delayed and I’m hailing a cab in the pouring rain at one in the morning.

    Appreciate where you are on your journey—it is all important.

    So there we go. Five ways to keep going when your short-term reality doesn’t match your long-term vision.

    Because we all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do to get to where we truly want to be.

    Most people don’t want to put themselves through this.

    They don’t want to go through the tough times, the yucky stuff, to emerge out the other side, stronger and clearer on where they’re headed.

    It’s easier to stay in the easy, safe zone.

    Do the things you gotta do to get to where you want to be.

    Because we only have this one life. So why not live it pursuing the things you love—your big goals and dreams?

    Why not go after those dreams and adventures rather than moaning that nothing good ever comes your way? (Hint: it’s because you have to go out and get it.)

    And now, over to you:

    What are you working on now to fulfill your long-term vision?

    What are you going through now, in order to create a brighter future for yourself?

    What have you learned along the way?

    Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear!

  • Life Is So Ironic…

    Life Is So Ironic…

  • How I Stopped Chasing Happiness and Started Enjoying My Imperfect Life

    How I Stopped Chasing Happiness and Started Enjoying My Imperfect Life

    “I want to live my life without stress and worries. I don’t need to be rich or famous. I just want to be happy.” ~Unknown

    Have you ever set a goal and then become obsessed with it, making it the center of your life and arranging everything else around it? Did you think that only after you achieved your goal would you be totally relaxed and happy?

    I’ve done this many times before.

    Throughout my life, I’ve measured my happiness by my achievements. I pushed to get good grades in school, then focused on going to a good college, then getting a high-paying job.

    However, even after getting all of those things, I was not happy. After attaining them, they felt ordinary, not as extraordinary as I thought they were.

    The feeling of achievement was not that awesome after all.

    I blamed my achievements for my dissatisfaction—that they were not tremendous enough for me to feel happy. So I thought I had to do more. I found a new goal, and I fell into the trap again.

    I always had something to pursue, and I could never feel happy until I achieved everything.

    I abandoned other things in my life to pursue them. My excuses always were “I can’t rest right now. I am busy doing [x]. I will do that after I achieve [x]. I will be relaxed and enjoy my life only after [x].”

    My [x] constantly changed from one thing to another. And I never let myself rest. I deferred my life to the future. Now was never a good time to enjoy life.

    Even when I went out with my husband for a date night, I could never really enjoy my time.

    The feeling of guilt was always there to haunt me, to blame me for ditching my work, for being relaxed and lazy. Only when I felt miserable and exhausted did that guilt fade away.

    That was when I realized something was not right.

    The Problem with Measuring Your Happiness by Your Achievements

    In the next couple days, I attempted to stop thinking of how to achieve my goals and paid full attention to how I was feeling. I took time out for myself, just to think about my life.

    And it was a painful realization that not only I did not enjoy my life, I missed out so many things in the process.

    I Forgot the Ultimate Goal of My Life

    Everyone wants to be happy, including me. My ultimate goal is to enjoy my life. But I constantly postponed my happiness while working toward other short-term goals.

    I thought I was in charge of my life and my happiness, but I wasn’t. I let those short-term goals control of my life. As a result…

    I separated myself from my loved ones.

    In my vision of a happy life, I was always there with my family and for my family. But the hard truth was, I was not.

    In fact, I turned them down when they showed concern about me. I felt like they didn’t understand my choices.

    The whole reason I needed to achieve more was to be with them when they would be happy and proud of me. But that was not what they wanted. They wanted me, not my titles.

    Whenever I achieved something, they were happy for seeing me happy, not for anything else.

    A part of my happy ending was already with me, but I did not see it.

    I hurt my own feelings.

    As I was busy chasing the idea of my perfect life, measuring my worth by my achievements, I wasn’t fond of myself

    When I did not meet my target, I felt unworthy and I beat myself up.

    When I earned something, it wasn’t extraordinary enough to be proud of. I even beat myself up for not trying harder to receive something bigger.

    I had a rough relationship with myself. I thought I was never good enough for my own love, or for anyone else’s.

    It’s painful believing that you are unloved.

    I damaged my health.

    Because I was fixated on achieving my goals above all else, I ignored my body when she screamed for rest. I thought I only deserved to rest when I could no longer work, when all of my energy was gone.

    If I rested before my energy ran out, I thought I was a loser. A loser would not achieve anything.

    I worked my way to exhaustion just to earn myself some rest. I physically drained my immune system until just a simple cold would easily break me.

    Learning to Be Happy with My Imperfect Life

    We all have the tendency to compare ourselves with others. I grew up believing life is a race, and I tried to be the fastest horse.

    Social media has made this worse. We see other successful people and we crave their achievements. We think if we were as successful as they are, as rich as they are, as talented as they are, we would be as happy as they are.

    Only this isn’t the case.

    The truth is that we are different people, we have different goals and desires, but those are not factors that determine our happiness.

    Happiness is not the result of our effort. It cannot be measured by our accomplishments.

    Happiness is the direction we choose and the way we live our lives. For some, happiness is to hear your mom’s voice on the phone every day. It may also be hearing all the funny things that happened to your one-year-old niece. Or the look in your husband’s eyes when you spend quality time with him.

    Happiness probably can be measured by laughter. Deep down, happiness is love and self-love. It’s realizing how beautiful your life actually is.

    Here are few things I have done to discover my happiness.

    Meditation

    Meditation allows me to catch my breath, slow down, and look at my life with a totally different perspective.

    I used to think I could never meditate because I could not sit still and not think of anything. But I started small with eight minutes a day, and I’ve surprised myself.

    I finally learned that meditation is not about clearing your mind and thinking of nothing; it is about truly accepting who you are and not letting your wild thoughts control you. It helps me recognize and detach from my thoughts; to let go of all the chaos in my life.

    Stay in the moment

    After I started practicing meditation, I began to accept the moment more fully. It was not easy at first, as my mind was always wandering around, making up stories about my life. But as soon I surrendered to the present, I began to show up and truly live in the moment.

    I no longer try to read a book while having lunch. I no longer think of my work while cooking or taking a shower. Instead, I try to taste the food in every single bite, to listen to different noises I make in the kitchen, to feel the warm water running over my body and let it wash off all of the stress and anxiety.

    Needless to say, I have never felt more alive. I now recognize how beautiful and colorful my life is.

    Start writing a gratitude journal

    I end my day by writing a gratitude journal. It felt silly at first. But writing down all the beautiful things brightens my life and makes me appreciate them even more.

    No matter how hard we try, we can never feel positive all the time. Life is brutal sometimes. Still, a gratitude journal helps me to let go of the negativities and feel grateful for the things I have.

    Self-love affirmations

    I start my day by telling myself how beautiful life is, and how much I love myself. Before I get out of my bed, I smile and tell myself, “Thank you for another wonderful day. I love you.”

    When I put my feet on the floor, I thank myself and tell myself “I love you” again. I affirm this fifty times a day, and as a result, I’ve started to believe in myself.

    It is eye-opening and life-changing to see how wonderful it is to have another day to live, to feel love and to enjoy life to the fullest.

    “Today might not be perfect, but it’s a perfect day to feel happy.” ~Lori Deschene

    Happiness is not something to pursue in the future. Happiness is available right now, right where you are. When we stop chasing the shadow of happiness, we begin to recognize that all the things we need to to be happy have been with us all along.

    I still set goals to pursue, but I no longer arrange my life around them. I’ve stopped comparing myself with others. I’ve stopped trying to become a person whom I think will be happy someday. And I now realize what truly matters to me.

    I put myself in the center and I surrender to my heart, my soul. I let my heart tell me who I really am. I see, hear, smell, and taste like I never have before.

    I enjoy all the quality time I have with my husband, I enjoy calling my mom every night just to hear her voice. I enjoy sitting quietly and listen to what my soul has to say.

    Even though life has ups and downs, I now know all the emotions are different colors in my happy-ever-after picture. I appreciate that I can still feel them.

    And I know my life is not perfect, but today is a perfect time to feel happy.

  • How to Move Let Go of the Fear of Judgment and Break the Silence of Shame

    How to Move Let Go of the Fear of Judgment and Break the Silence of Shame

    “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown

    Every time I think I’ve unloaded most of the pain from my past, something surfaces that tells me I have more work to do.

    A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were cuddling one morning. I’m not sure what the trigger was, but out of nowhere, my thoughts rolled down a hill and into a painful memory that I must have blocked out.

    Tears rolled down my cheeks as my whole body curled up into the fetal position. He asked me what was wrong and I slowly told him about a sexual trauma I had experienced.

    We are radically honest with one another. Sharing the not so beautiful has deepened our connection. I thought I had shared my darkest secrets that carry shame.

    I was wrong.

    I had minimized and buried this story. Maybe subconsciously, I was afraid he would see this situation as my fault. He absolutely didn’t, and sharing my experience with him made me feel like a heavy burden was lifted.

    This last part rang especially true the following week when the #metoo hashtag went viral. It was during that week of teasing through my feelings and thoughts that I realized just how much confusion shame can create.

    The word shame can evoke such discomfort that we often don’t see how it shows up in our lives.

    If there’s one emotion I see as most prevalent and most hidden in the work I do, it’s shame. Every time I lead a workshop or retreat, there’s a common theme that I witness in nearly everyone. As humans, we all tend to feel in some way that we’re unworthy.

    Yet, the last thing we want to do is acknowledge our shame and vulnerability.

    But if left buried, shame inevitably causes harm to ourselves and our relationships. In my experience, I’ve seen firsthand how understanding and shedding light on shame can hold the key to healing.

    Shame is the emotion that says, “I am bad. I am unworthy.”

    It’s not that we did something bad and feel remorseful. That’s guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” But shame is the internalization of “I am bad.”

    Most of us, even if we had kind, loving parents, grew up feeling a bit like we had to censor our true feelings and experiences. We may have done this to avoid dismay, protect others, or keep the peace in our families.

    We’re conditioned from a young age to feel shame when we learn who we shouldn’t be in the world. But as we get older, we don’t need others to make us feel shame. Shame becomes easily internalized and lives in that voice that says, “It’s dangerous to let others hear my story,” or, “They won’t love me if I share this secret.”

    Who we are becomes fragmented so that we hide the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. We unconsciously employ defense mechanisms. While those defense mechanisms might help us to survive, they’re bound to stand in the way of having healthy relationships and growing a sense of self-love.

    When we’re afraid to share our vulnerable side because we believe it would render us flawed, dirty, weak, and so forth, we’re carrying shame.

    Shame is carried silently and secretly for fear of judgment; yet, it is the self-judgment that grows the longer we conceal our vulnerability.

    I refuse to keep painful secrets festering inside of me, as I know that will only keep me repressed and disempowered in the long run.

    All humans experience shame, and it presents in many ways. Here are a few examples I’ve noticed within myself that maybe you can relate to:

    • Being too sensitive and emotional
    • Not doing enough to “save” my mother from her death
    • Being too selfish to fully want to be a mother myself
    • Feeling I’m not ambitious or smart enough to live up to my potential
    • Struggling to communicate clearly when I have too much in my head
    • Feeling too “needy” with my partner at times
    • Believing I was somehow at fault for the sexual abuses I have experienced

    My personal list could go on… But what I noticed when writing this list is that while many of the original sources of shame might be specific people or society as a whole, the critic is still me.

    When we keep shame locked away inside, we get stuck in feelings of inadequacy. Shame may cause us to feel mentally or physically ill. Feelings of inadequacy can be accompanied by emotions such as anxiety, anger, and loneliness. And when we feel inadequate, we sometimes develop destructive ways of relating to others: avoidance, lying, blaming others, attempts to control others, and so forth.

    So how can we deal with this lurking self-critic that wants to keep our stories in the dark?

    1. Speak kindly to yourself.

    Most likely, at some point you’ve heard the phrase, “Shame on you,” or, “You should be ashamed.” It can easily become habit to talk similarly to ourselves and challenging to learn to speak kindly.

    A simple framework for healing I teach comes from an ancient Hawaiian tradition called H’oponopono. H’oponopono means “to make right,” and it’s rooted in the essence of reconciliation and compassion.

    H’oponopono consists of four phrases: I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. You can use these phrases speaking to another person. And you can use them with yourself. Here’s a personal example of the latter:

    Melissa, I’m sorry for making you feel the trauma you experienced was your fault.

    Melissa, I forgive you for placing blame on yourself and carrying shame all these years.

    Melissa, thank you for your courage to shine light on your vulnerability and resilience.

    Melissa, I love you and I commit to treating you with lovingkindness.

    2. Self-soothe with movement and massage.

    Think about what happens to your body when you recall a memory that carries shame. Often our bodies slump sinking our heart into the back body. Our gaze drops and our brows furrow.

    Emotions, including shame, reside in the body. Much of what I practice and teach relates to physical ways to release stuck emotion for this reason.

    If we want to reduce the unworthy and unlovable feelings we carry, it can help to self-soothe your body through dynamic movement practices like yoga and dance. Self-massage, tapping, and comforting touch while speaking kindly to yourself can help to release shame.

    3. Share your story.

    The most uncomfortable, but perhaps most effective method I can offer you is to share.

    You don’t have to share your vulnerability with the whole world. Many of my friends shared courageous, deeply personal stories on Facebook in response to #metoo. For a moment, I thought I had to share this way as well, but then I did some reflection.

    There are times I share my vulnerability through my blog or when I hold space for a group. But I don’t always want to share everything with strangers. In those cases, my partner is my greatest witness because of his ability to hold space for me.

    Whether you share in a twelve-step program, with a loved one, or therapist, or in an article for the world to see, there’s immense healing power in this process. When our voices are heard and we’re seen just as we are, we open up the door to growing a new sense of self-love and self-worth.

  • Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger

    Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger

    “Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes we need to journey into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful places inside in order to reach the next level.

    This is what happened to me earlier this year.

    When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship that created a lot of stories in my head. These stories became beliefs that I carried around for a long time. Beliefs like, “I’m not good enough,” “Relationships are painful,” “I don’t have a say,” “I need someone else to show me I’m worthy,” and “I need to be perfect to receive love” (just to name a few).

    As a conscious adult, I’ve done a lot of healing work and spiritual development around this, and am proud of the growth I’ve experienced between where I was then and where I am now. But even still, I have setbacks. We all do.

    None of us are immune to the fears and self-doubt that pop up when “life happens.” None of us are safe when the ground we’ve worked so hard to establish gets ripped out from us.

    After lots of self-development and work around relationships and love, I recently declared to the Universe that I was no longer afraid of being alone and that I was no longer afraid of being vulnerable and my “true self” in a future relationship. So, the Universe delivered. Big time.

    I met someone new. He wasn’t like the other men I’ve dated—men who are safe and stable, and who give me a sense of being in control of the situation. He was uncharted territory for me. Hard to read. Mysterious. Kept me guessing.

    He would surprise me with nice gestures like showing up with sunflowers, sending me unexpected notes about how beautiful I am, you know… the works. Not to mention the sex. THE SEX! For the first time, possibly in my whole life, I felt really seen, appreciated, valued and truly beautiful while having sex. There was nothing awkward or uncomfortable or weird or threatening about it. I had met Mr. Perfect… or so I thought.

    What I know now that I didn’t recognize then was that this guy was an assignment. The Universe heard me loud and clear when I announced that I was ready to be alone and/or in a vulnerable relationship (which is actually a very confusing declaration to make in the first place, so… no wonder stuff got weird!), and so I was sent this guy—let’s refer to him as Mr. Perfect from here on out—as a test.

    Mr. Perfect was an opportunity for me to put into practice all of the things I had learned about myself over the past twenty-five years.

    Let’s just say that I failed that test. Miserably.

    After an all-out eight-day binge on this guy, we were both like a couple of strung-out addicts, totally manipulative and controlling and hopeless about our futures, but pretending everything was just groovy. We were practically playing house together when we hadn’t even known about the other’s existence just a month earlier.

    Somewhere throughout the week with Mr. Perfect, my energy shifted. I went from this high-vibe, loving, independent, strong version of myself, to this weird, controlling, self-conscious, anxious, creepy version of me. I went from Jennifer Aniston status to that chick in Mean Girls who’s obsessed with Regina George way too quickly, and my old limiting beliefs started to take over.

    Suddenly, I was operating from that old, abusive relationship version of me.

    The version of me who thought that being vulnerable in a relationship meant getting hurt.

    The version of me who thought that the guy needs to control everything, and that I am not safe to speak up about what I really want, because you never know how he’s going to react.

    The version of me who felt uncomfortable in her own skin, so tried really hard to look pretty, say the right thing, and always do something more in an effort to be noticed.

    The version of me who thought that I needed a man to “save me,” or that he was the one answer to all of my problems in life.

    You can only race like that for so long until you crash.

    And so, eight days of passionate sex, cute notes, sleepless nights, hours of butterflies in my stomach, several dinners, one brunch, way too much tequila, and two bouquets of flowers later, we bottomed out. Both of us.

    Mr. Perfect and I took a crash course in “How to Not Date as Intentional, Conscious Human Beings 101.” Our worlds both went spinning—his, with a huge f*ck up at work, likely the result of us spending too much time together; mine, reversing to harmful coping behaviors that used to show up when I was younger.

    When I got the text from Mr. Perfect that started with “We need to talk,” I went into a downward spiral of emotion and drama. He wanted to end things. I wanted to die. I literally paced outside my apartment building for three hours trying my very best to not have a heart attack.

    I questioned everything. Was any of it real? Did I mean anything to him? How could I screw this up? How could I fix it? I needed to fix it. How could I mess up such a perfect thing?

    But suddenly, I had a beautiful recognition. I noticed that there was a shift. In my heart space, I could feel the presence of my Higher Self. The part of me that’s connected to something bigger. The part of me that knows these stories of not being good enough are complete BS.

    And just like that, I was no longer living in the stories that were sending me into a near panic attack. I was above that. I knew that I was better than that. That I deserve more. That it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That I was still just as worthy as love and acceptance and beauty as anyone else on this planet.

    In that moment, I forgave myself.

    I forgave myself for the behavior that caused him to end things.

    I forgave myself for the fact that I let it get to the point where we even engaged in an eight-day binge on each other.

    And most importantly, I forgave myself for all the negative and self-doubting talk, limiting beliefs, and lame stories I told myself when it happened.

    I saw that the stories were keeping me stuck. I saw that they made me revert back to this old version of me that I no longer was. And I saw that I had the awareness and the power now to intentionally choose to believe a different story instead.

    I chose to believe that this story was no longer serving me, and that I could rise above it.

    That I actually didn’t need a man to “fix” me or to complete me, but that I had actually been doing that work on my own all along.

    I decided that I was done with this belief of not being good enough.

    I was soooo done.

    I decided then and there to stay committed to this path of personal growth and transcendence, because I see now how all of the pain and struggles that I’ve been through actually happened for me, not to me.

    All of it was for a reason.

    You can do the same. Everything that you’ve been through—every negative thought or limiting belief or fear that you’ve had that’s kept you from what you want the most in life—it’s all within your power to change. If you decide that you deserve it.

    Healing is not linear. There will be highs and lows, laughs and tears, moments of total bliss and moments of complete uncertainty and self-doubt. But your Higher Self is there through it all, and S/he wants to see you come out stronger through each and every assignment that the Universe throws your way.

    S/he is cheering you on from the sidelines and always there for support as your #1 fan, no matter what crazy stuff comes across your path. And that person, that part of you, needs you to show up to these assignments. To really face the fear head on, to feel the pain, and to move through it.

    Because on the other side of fear and pain and struggle and darkness lies your greatness.

    Looking back at it now, I don’t think I failed the test the Universe sent me. I think I passed it. Because I chose my Higher Self, I chose self-love, and I chose me.

    Maybe that was the lesson all along.

  • There Are Some People You Just Can’t Help

    There Are Some People You Just Can’t Help

    “Be there. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Be willing to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive. This is what it means to love.” ~Lori Deschene

    A few months ago, I was totally freaked out.

    I was having a cup of tea with a soul-sister friend, and we were in deep conversation. I was crying.

    I was explaining, between hiccupping sobs, about how there was someone in my life who was suffering deeply.

    Sitting at the café that day, I said to her, “There is this person in my life that I love so deeply, but he is suffering.”

    I told her about all the ways I was connected to this very special person, and told her about how I was committed to helping him.

    My friend was empathetically listening, and my story went on and on.

    “He’s so depressed. When I’m around him, I just suddenly feel so sad. I feel his pain. It’s so deep. I have tried to share my wisdom with him, to help him evolve out of his depressed rut, but he won’t listen. I know he can make a change, but he just won’t listen to me. It’s like his ears are closed to me. What do I do? How can I help him?”

    It was then that my dear friend replied in a way that I will never forget.

    She placed her hand on my shoulder, and looked deeply into my eyes.

    We sat in silence together for a moment.

    Finally, she spoke, with such a gentle tone in her voice. “Anya, your lesson is to learn in this situation is simple, yet difficult. Your lesson is that you cannot help this person. Sometimes, there are people that you just can’t help.”

    I gasped. Chills ran down my spine. Her words resonated through every cell of my body.

    It was all so simple.

    There are people in my life that I just can’t help.

    So simple, yet so profound. Why hadn’t I realized this before?

    And how had I somehow fallen into the trap of taking on someone else’s burden as my own? Why had I gotten trapped in suffering by trying to “fix” someone who was suffering?

    These traps are, unfortunately, all too common for those of us with big open hearts. They are quite common for those of us who are caregivers, lovers, amazing friends, healers, spiritual way showers, and all those who wish to use our lives in service to a higher good.

    Since that day at the café, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sweet friend’s advice. And I’ve come to a few insights of my own.

    First, in order to be helped, a person must first ask for help. A person must make themselves available, vulnerable, open, and humble.

    And this is not easy! It’s not easy to be open. It’s not easy to say, “I don’t know; please help me.”

    Second, in order for you to help someone with your words, that person must first resonate with the kind of wisdom you have to share.

    As a matter of fact, my depressed friend has a totally different worldview than I do, so it’s no wonder he wasn’t open to my words of advice.

    There are a thousand paths and a thousand ways to interpret the world.

    My way may not be your way, and your way may not your neighbor’s way. We are often so different in our concepts and language for interpreting this mysterious thing called life.

    In short, for a person to want your help, that person must be somewhat already aligned to your philosophical or spiritual worldview.

    Further, in order for a person to receive your help, they also must present themselves to you in the most perfect, synchronistic moment.

    Indeed, they must be standing before you in the most precise, delicate moment: the moment just before the blossoming, just before the great change occurs. It can be as small as a split second of opening.

    Timing is everything.

    In that moment of perfect timing, they will be not only ready but hungry for evolution, hungry for growth, hungry for truth, hungry for new ways of seeing the world beyond their limited old perspective!

    My dear friend who is suffering does not want to grow in the way I wish he would (consciously evolve out of suffering through spiritual practice)—at least, not at this time.

    He is suffering and he does not even want to admit that he is suffering. He believes he can achieve no higher or better state in this lifetime.

    Once I realized that there are some people I just can’t help, I felt a tremendous relief. A giant stone lifted from my heart, and I could suddenly breathe again.

    I realized that I had unwittingly taken on his suffering as my own, in a misguided attempt to figure out how to “fix” him. I had allowed my natural empathy to become a wound in my own energetic body.

    If a person you love is stuck in a place of denial to their own suffering or their own addictions or stuckness, then there is a strong possibility that what you say won’t make a bit of difference.

    Denial is an incredibly strong force. And if your worldview differs too much from theirs, then it may not be your place to plant any seeds of wisdom. It may be your place to step back from trying to speak at all.

    That’s a tough lesson of love, I know, but if you can remember it, it will save you a lot of heartache.

    Indeed, if someone is in denial to their own suffering, then that very denial may very well block them from truly hearing you speak.

    So, what do we do in these kinds of situations?

    Can we take any action at all?

    The answer is yes.

    When we deeply love someone and we are invested in them (such as a lover, a friend, a child, or a business partner), what we can do is simply radiate love.

    When we are in their presence, we can be as light, happy, and conscious as possible.

    This light, this presence, this subtle vibration, will subtly shift their energetic field. And though no words are spoken, they will feel a little bit more peace while they are near us (whether they consciously know it or not).

    And we can of course listen to them. When they need to talk, we can listen, and we can offer a hug or a gentle, reassuring smile.

    Indeed, sometimes, when we love someone, the best thing we can do is shut the heck up.

    The best thing we can do is simply be.

    Friends painting by Jerry Weiss

  • What to Do If Your Life Story Depresses You or Holds You Back

    What to Do If Your Life Story Depresses You or Holds You Back

    “The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron

    Too often we let stories from our past define us. We tell them over and over to ourselves and to others until it becomes our truth. What if, without deviating from actual facts, we choose to tell different stories? What if these new stories could bring us more freedom and strength?

    Below are some true facts about my own life. I’ll follow each one with the stories I could be telling myself about each one, followed by the story I choose to go with.

    Fact Number One

    My father abused my teenage mother when she was pregnant with me and left us when I was just a few days old. I’ve never seen him again.

    The stories I could be telling myself now:

    Men are bad.

    Men can’t be trusted.

    The reason I can’t hold on to a relationship is because my father left me.

    I’m unwanted.

    I’m unlovable.

    The true story I choose to go with:

    They were young. He felt trapped and scared. His fears drove him to behave very badly. He had his own issues from his own childhood.

    It sucks, but it doesn’t define me or shape my views of men or myself.

    If I’d held onto the negative self talk or views about men, it could have prevented me from being the happy, loving, loved person I am today.

    Fact Number Two

    In my tween / teen years my mother worked nights in a factory and I didn’t see her before or after school. There was never a parent attending my school music and sporting events or awards presentations and I found my own way home afterward, often walking back in the dark, freezing cold winters of Minnesota.

    I got myself up and to school on time, oversaw my own homework, dinner, and bedtimes, and often that of my younger brother too.

    The story I could be telling:

    My mother didn’t care about me. She was irresponsible. She put me in danger and neglected my needs.

    I have to fend for myself in this world or nobody else will. I need to look out for number one. This is why I’m lonely. This is why I never succeeded. I was handed a bum deal compared to my friends. I could have made more of my life if I’d felt supported and had good guidance at pivotal stages of my youth.

    The story I choose to go with:

    My mother was doing the best she could with what she had.

    Being very independent from a young age taught me responsibility.

    I’m truly motivated to be present in the lives of my own children, attending their events, encouraging and offering guidance. The past has made me a better mother.

    Fact Number Three

    The boyfriend I fell madly in love with in my twenties verbally and physically abused me until I was finally hospitalized with cracked ribs. I gave up my career and possessions in California to move to London to be with him. I knew nobody except his friends.

    The stories I could be telling myself now:

    History repeats itself. I was abused because my father abused my mother.

    I deserved it for being such an idiot.

    I’m not worthy of proper love and respect.

    Men are all assholes.

    The story I choose:

    I didn’t know my boyfriend well enough before I moved abroad to be with him. I felt unable to move back to the U.S. as I’d given up my job, home, car and life there. I continued to stay with him for too long out of fear and ignorance.

    I’m smarter now. I learned what I don’t want in a relationship and it enabled me to recognize what I do want and to find it. I’m stronger and I know myself now. I love myself. I am worthy.

    Do you know anybody who’s been dealt a crappy deck and now tells the first kinds of stories? Do they blame past circumstances for their present life? Do they begrudge the people who have mistreated them?

    Which stories from your past do you tell yourself and others over and over? Are these stories helping you or holding you back?

    Rewriting the script in your head isn’t easy, especially if you’ve been telling it for a very long time.

    Here are some ways to begin to dump the old stories and replace them with new ones.

    1. Recognize when you’re telling them and press your mental pause button. Stop giving it fuel.

    2. Write down the fact, as I’ve done above, then the story you’re presently telling. Now write a more positive interpretation of it. What good has come out of it? What have you learned? How would it feel if you dropped the old story and told a new one? Explore this on paper and see what it brings up.

    3. Use EFT Tapping. Emotional Freedom Technique is effective for bringing your story to the surface, getting real about your feelings, then changing the narrative about it. For deep rooted stuff, work with a qualified EFT practitioner.

    4. Practice “loving what is.” Have a notebook handy as you read the book Loving What Is by Bryron Katie. Write your answers to her four powerful questions. It only works when you do the work. This book single-handedly healed my relationship with my mother.

    Self-limiting beliefs often stem from stories you’re clinging onto that aren’t serving you. They hold you back from true happiness and success.

    Begin to bring a gentle awareness to these stories and see if you can give them new meaning. It isn’t about forgetting your past and making things up. It’s about choosing to tell the truth in a less victimizing and more empowering way.

  • Happiness Isn’t About Getting What You Want

    Happiness Isn’t About Getting What You Want

  • The Introvert’s Hate/Hate Relationship With Spontaneity

    The Introvert’s Hate/Hate Relationship With Spontaneity

    “The man who is prepared has his battle half fought.” ~Miguel De Cervantes

    They say you should live in the present, and “they” form a chorus of voices that is growing in number by the second. Everywhere you turn these days, the message is loud and clear: life is better when you live in the moment.

    I get it; I really do. I know that when I hit that flow state, regardless of what I’m immersed in, time passes in a heartbeat and I tend to really enjoy myself.

    It’s just that I would prefer it if I could plan those moments of flow some time in advance. I want—no I need—to prepare myself for the event of letting go. I need to be mentally ready so that I may jump into the river and let the current take me.

    If I’m not prepared, that river turns out to be less of a serene, meandering brook, and more a surge of cascading torrents that pummel my senses until I’m half-drowned and ready to give up.

    This is why I, the introvert, despise spontaneity in all its forms.

    The first few weeks of university really tested me. I lived on campus in a dorm where I shared a communal kitchen with eleven other people. It didn’t matter what night of the week it was, there were people heading out to a bar, restaurant, or club.

    I’d often get a knock at my bedroom door and an invitation to one of these nightly excursions: “Oh, hey, me, Johnny, and Mike are heading to {insert one of many different venues} for some beers. You wanna join us?”

    At this point I’d be searching every corner of my mind for a reasonable excuse, a Get Out Of Jail Free card that would save me the pain of just saying no. I knew that if I did just decline without justification, I’d get the inevitable looks of astonishment as if I were turning down the opportunity of a lifetime.

    “It’s Wednesday.” No, that won’t do.

    “I’m tired.” Not going to cut it.

    “I’ve just sat down to catch up on Friends.” Watch it another time, I’d be told.

    I wanted to tell them the truth, but can you imagine what they’d have said? “Oh, thanks for the invite guys, but I’m an introvert and I can’t stand being spontaneous. Maybe another time, assuming you give me seven days notice in writing.”

    Instead, I’d often just mumble something incoherent about how I’ve got a paper due the next day, or how I’m just on the phone with my parents. They usually got the message.

    I didn’t avoid nights out entirely; I can be quite a social character when I want to be. I just made sure that I was mentally prepared beforehand. I’d agree (with myself in advance) that I was going out on a particular night, and I made sure I spent plenty of time alone in the afternoon or early evening to recharge my batteries for the oncoming festivities.

    Eventually, I had a nice little routine going. I’d go out on Monday most weeks, Friday some weeks, Saturday almost every week, and the occasional Thursday. No other nights really got a look-in. And it tended to be the same set of places each time because of certain student promotions or theme nights.

    What’s more, my friends knew when I was and was not going to accept their invitations, so they stopped knocking when they knew it was a waste of their time.

    Somehow, I had managed to appear fairly sociable and outgoing while avoiding anything unexpected. I had planned my way out of spontaneity.

    Structure: An Introvert’s Best Friend

    My experiences as a student might not exactly mirror your situation, but as a fellow introvert, I’m sure you can relate to the need for structure and routine in your life.

    There are few things less enjoyable for an introvert than being coerced into some random activity at some unplanned time with unfamiliar people. It’s literally our Kryptonite.

    We simply cannot handle the unknowns: Where are we going? What is the place like? What will we be doing there? Who else is going? How are we getting there?

    Perhaps the uncertainty that scares us most is not knowing when it will end. Social activity drains us, but spontaneous social activity burns through our energy reserves in double-quick time because of how much we have to think, react, and absorb when we’re not mentally ready for it.

    If there’s no clear time at which things will draw to a close, we panic, knowing we’ll be utterly spent in the not-too-distant future.

    Put some structure in place—primarily in the form of plenty of warning—and we will be able to extract far more enjoyment out of the very same event or activity. When we know it’s coming, we have time to open ourselves up to the possibility of enjoying ourselves. We remove our shackles and move more freely, both physically and mentally.

    Be Confident In Your Boundaries

    The reason I found those early weeks of university so difficult was because I felt bad saying no to people. I wanted to make friends as much as the next person, and I always had this nagging feeling that my refusal to take part would see me labelled as boring.

    Somehow or another it all worked out, but I could have avoided plenty of insecurity had I just understood that putting personal boundaries in place is not a sign of weakness. I did say no to people, and I did it a lot. These days, I’m much more comfortable doing it, and it reduces the anxiety I feel around spontaneity itself.

    I know I can turn down anything I don’t feel like doing, and I don’t worry so much about what other people think. I’ve learnt that, actually, most spontaneous people care a lot less about receiving a no from introverts like you or me. Or rather, they get over the rejection quickly because they’re too busy just getting on with whatever spontaneous act it is they are doing.

    In these situations, it’s the introverts who tend to overthink everything. You may dwell on the exchange for hours after it happened, considering all of the possible ways you could have handled it better or the consequences of your refusal. The big deal exists almost entirely in your head. So it’s in your head that the battle must be won.

    The challenge is to know your boundaries intimately and to build them strong and sturdy so that you are able to confidently say no to offers and invitations that you either have not planned for or do not think you’d enjoy. No is not a dirty word and you shouldn’t be afraid of using it.

    Take The Reins Yourself

    There is a relatively simple way to avoid spontaneous requests from others: get in there first. You want a plan in place, right? You crave structure in your life. Then create the plan and add the structure yourself.

    Don’t wait for your friends to suggest you meet up that night, or the next night for dinner. Suggest a date and a time that feels comfortable for you. A few days time, next week, in a fortnight; it doesn’t matter as long as it gives you enough time to prepare mentally.

    And if you know that these events tend to happen naturally every couple of months, keep this in mind and put a note on your calendar to start suggesting dates well in advance. This also has the added benefit of making you seem like the sociable one because you’re doing much of the organizing.

    Yes, you may be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean you don’t ever want to see anyone. We introverts can enjoy ourselves as much as anyone else, but having some forewarning will only serve to make the whole process more compatible with your needs and wishes.

  • What to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Who’s Grieving

    What to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Who’s Grieving

    “Remember that there is no magic wand that can take away the pain and grief. The best any of us can do is to be there and be supportive.” ~Marilyn Mendoza

    My mother, an articulate and highly accomplished writer, began to lose much of what she valued a few years ago. Her eyesight was compromised by macular degeneration, her hallmark youthful vigor was replaced with exhaustion, and many of her friends began to die. Finally, and cruelest of all, her memory began to go, slowly at first, and then with increasing speed.

    Her struggle and her suffering in the last two years of life were excruciating to watch, and I was helpless to stop what felt like an avalanche of cruel losses.

    Sometimes in that last year, she would call me several times a day with distress and confusion. When she finally died, after five ambulance trips to the hospital in six weeks, my first response was thankfulness that she was out of the struggle and, to my surprise, relief. I had been grieving the mother I had known for the last year of her life, and she had already been gone a long time.

    It would be another month before I found my grief, and I suspect that it will be there forever; but my immediate feeling was not sadness.

    People feel so many things at so many different times about the death of a loved one: loss, anger, devastation, confusion, guilt, and fear, to name a few. If we assume anything about how they are experiencing their loss, we can make them feel worse. Here are a few suggestions about how to reach out, starting with what not to do.

    Don’t assume you know what I am going through.

    I was surprised by how many people came up to me and said, “I know just what you’re going through.” Even worse, they would tell me, “This will be the saddest thing that will ever happen to you,” or “You won’t know who you are for years after this.”

    We all know that losing a mother is a major life event and it changes many things. What we don’t know is how. It is different for each person; we cannot overlay our own experience on someone else’s and assume it’s the same. For me, whose first feelings were that her death was that of a reprieve, it caused me to doubt the validity of my response.

    Don’t use religious clichés about this life or another. 

    Religious clichés such as “Jesus called her home,” “God needed another angel,” or “it’s in the hands of the Lord,” were infuriating. For one thing, my mother was not a Christian, nor am I. I love the Jesus story, but it doesn’t resonate for me as the only true story, and it sure doesn’t help me feel better about my mothers’ death.

    Don’t say “there is a reason for everything.” 

    Then the cards began to come filled with familiar clichés: the worst was “there is a reason for everything.”

    That feels to me like a way to do a “wrap up” on something that is fragile, personal, and unknown. How do you know there is “a reason for everything?” It insults grief by trying to dilute it into a rational cosmic plan.

    You cannot explain, rationalize, or sum up my loss in a tidy little cliché. My reaction to those messages was not to feel more comforted, but to feel more isolated.

    Don’t talk about her “passing.”

    Talking about people who have “passed” feels like minimizing what happened and avoiding the word “death.” It is a tough word, it is final and irreversible and filled with loss. But it is a true word. It is what we have to manage, and the hugeness of the word, death, in its finality and brutality is what allows us to find our necessary grief.

    There were people who said things that did comfort me.

    1. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

    2. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.

    3. Would you like me to bring you some enchiladas on Tuesday?

    4. What was this like for you? I’d love to listen if you would like to talk about it.

    Here is the most important thing for you to know.

    Each of our relationships has a bubble around it. Within that bubble is the history of what we have shared. Grief is a part of the human experience, and we grieve not just for the person who has died, but also for the part of our history they take with them.

    Losing a mother is a major life change regardless of what the relationship was like. But we don’t know what that is like for anyone but ourselves. When we assume we do, we belittle their experience and lose a chance to know them better.

    Although we may intend to connect with the other person, sometimes the opposite happens and what we say makes them feel worse. When we invite them to share their own experience, we help to break down the isolating walls of loss and inspire a true connection.

  • The Simplest Way to Make More Time for What Matters

    The Simplest Way to Make More Time for What Matters

    “We’ve all heard the saying, stop and smell the roses. But it would be far better to be the gardener who grows the roses and lives with them constantly.” ~Deepak Chopra

    What would it take to befriend time? To see time as an ally, a friend even—an opportunity?

    Most of us have a much different relationship with time. One that is based on scarcity. The chorus of “I don’t have enough time” reverberates through conversations, social media channels, and personal mutterings.

    Redefining our relationship with time isn’t like flipping a light switch. But it is a bit like pumping gas in your car.

    I am one of those people that forget to make time to stop at the gas station as the fuel gauge in my car starts to veer towards the red E. I’ve never run out of gas, but the fuel light comes on more than I’d like to admit.

    Why exactly would I ignore this gauge? Because of time. I see that the meter traverses from ½ a tank to ¼ of a tank, and I find myself thinking, “I don’t have time to stop and get gas right now. I’ll stop tomorrow.”

    But tomorrow becomes the next day, and then the day after that. And by that point, the taunting orange light has been activated. Even then sometimes I ignore it, believing that I’m in a rush.

    Except that something funny happens when eventually I pull into the gas station and stop long enough to fill up. The process of putting gas in my car doesn’t take very much time. Though I haven’t timed it, my guess is that from inserting my credit card to activate the machine to replacing the nozzle when I’m done, less than five minutes have passed.

    Five minutes is forever. Minds can be changed in five minutes. Heartbeats can be elevated (or slowed) in five minutes. Smiles can be shared, laughter can fill a belly, and bodies can be hydrated in five minutes.

    In fact, it seems to me that filling up my car with gas offers the perfect reminder of why we need to make time an ally. Cars need gas to function. We, like cars, have our own fuel needs to not just survive, but thrive.

    Beyond food and water, we need play, we need sleep, we need connection, we need love. But too often, we tell ourselves we don’t have time.

    We rush and scramble through the day, moving from one thing to the next, trying to check things off our lists as if productivity is the ultimate indicator of joy. And, more importantly, we tell ourselves that the things we crave will take too much time—time that we do not have.

    What if we did have time? What if the things we crave could fill us up, just like gas fills a car, in just a few minutes? What if we could give ourselves permission to savor the unexpected moments instead of just the big, fancy, planned out ones?

    Maybe instead of needing an hour long nap or workout, we could find fulfillment in a shorter power nap? Or instead of a trip to the gym for a workout, we could feel strong from mini-bursts of movements throughout the day?

    What if we saw time as an opportunity for fulfillment like a friend that invites us to be present rather than using the hours on the clock as mile markers for productivity?

    When I think back to the most heart-filling, nourishing moments of the last few months—or even the last few days—they are the ones that I had to allow myself to receive outside the boundaries and constraints of a schedule. The moments where I allowed myself to move slowly, so slowly in fact, that I had the opportunity to notice the dance of life around me.

    Like when my heart smiled from pausing before I left my home office to hear my daughter singing out loud in the shower. Or when I made time for a thirty-minute yoga practice one evening and remembered that sometimes all it takes is a simple twist to let go of whatever I was holding on to. Or the evening that instead of making a run for it, trying to avoid the rain, my daughter and skipped and jumped in puddles on our way home.

    None of these moments took any great length of time. And yet, had I been rushing, or listening to my thoughts run amok with reminders of how much I had on my to-do list, I would have missed them completely.

    In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks offers the question: “Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside?”

    So many of us use clocks as measures of progress. How long can I meditate? Can I beat my 5k pace? How many clients can I fit into one day? But these measures ignore all the smaller indicators. The goosebumps on your skin from noticing a sign that reminds you of something you love. Or the peaceful scene that you witnessed that reminded you to take a breath.

    Instead of worrying about a spillover of gas when we pump those few last gallons in our car, how might the day be different if saw time as a way to top ourselves off with fulfillment?

    The Easiest Way to Make Time a Friend Is to Create Space

    Think of it like de-cluttering. What can you release to create more moments to see time as an opportunity? Maybe you need to release expectations or assumptions. Or perhaps you could let go of judgments around what it means to be successful or productive.

    Amplify Abundance

    Just like de-cluttering and release creates space, a focus on what needs to be amplified cultivates abundance. If you are releasing expectations, can you amplify being guided by intuition? Could you amplify stillness by allowing yourself to stop throughout the day to take three breaths? Or six? What might it feel like to amplify nourishment for the mind, body, and soul?

    I’ve heard all of it before. Parents who feel like time isn’t on their sides with schedules and carpools. Or individuals who feel like they are at their best when they are trying to beat the clock. I’ve been there. In my early adult years, I often felt like I was most focused when my schedule was packed and had little time for distraction. But now I wonder.

    Time and fulfillment seem inextricably connected. And I don’t know about you, but life feels much more delicious when you practice time management with your heart and clarity of purpose instead of a to-do list.

  • 20 Inspiring Gratitude Quotes and Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal Giveaway

    20 Inspiring Gratitude Quotes and Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal Giveaway

    Update – the winners for this giveaway are:

    • Marc Remington
    • Kittenpants13

    Hi friends! Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate.

    I’m so grateful to all of you who share your experiences and insights on the blog, and to those who you who give your time and energy to help others in the comments and community forums. I am endlessly inspired by your openness, your empathy, and your kindness.

    To celebrate this day, I gathered some of my favorite gratitude quotes (mostly from anonymous sources), and I’ve also put aside two copies of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal for a special giveaway.

    About the Journal

    Including questions and prompts pertaining to both your past and present, the journal will help you see your life through a new, more positive lens.

    The book also includes fifteen coloring pages, depicting awesome things we often take for granted, like nature and music.

    With space for written reflection, these pages provide all the benefits of coloring—including mindfulness and stress relief—and also guide you to recognize the beauty in the ordinary.

    Whether you’ve been gratitude journaling for years or you’re just giving it a try for the first time, Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal will help you access a state of inner peace, contentment, and joy.

    The Giveaway

    • To enter to win one of two free copies of  Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, leave a comment below sharing something you’re grateful for today.
    • For a second entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in a second comment.

    You can enter until midnight, PST, on Thursday, November 30th.

    If you’ve already received your copy, I would appreciate if you’d leave a review on Amazon here. It doesn’t need to be long—even a tiny review can make a big difference.

    The Quotes

     

    Yes, that last one is my own quote, so it’s probably kind of odd to include it in a list of my favorites. But I wanted to add this one in case you’re going through a tough time right now and not feeling all that grateful. Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. And know that you are loved and appreciated.

    —

    **One request before you go! Tiny Buddha has been nominated for Healthline’s Most Loved Blogs contest. If Tiny Buddha wins, the entire $1000 prize will be donated to Operation Smile to give new smiles to four children with cleft lips and palates. You can vote once daily until December 6th here. Thank you so much in advance for voting!