Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Accomplish Anything Leveraging Collective Energy

    How to Accomplish Anything Leveraging Collective Energy

    “Success will never be a big step in the future; success is a small step taken just now.” ~Jonatan Mårtensson

    I love Zumba, the Latin-inspired dance program that has become a worldwide fitness phenomenon. At the three minute mark of every class, I am alive with how much I enjoy the workout: the rhythm, the moves, the music, the collective energy.

    The room is filled with non-stop music pounding against the walls and ceiling, as over fifty bodies of all ages and sizes come together in synchronized movement.

    At the 12-minute mark, the music is louder and faster. My focus is greater. Breathing becomes more intense.

    By the 33-minute mark, my heart is thumping wildly, more sweat beads are forming, and my quads are sore from all of the deep squats. I feel a little tiredness beginning, but I have no desire at all to stop moving. There is something greater happening in these walls to pull me through any temporary aches.

    When I’m starting to feel the workout burn, I know it’s time to consciously shift my attention to the collective energy in the room. I allow the energy of every pumping heart to lift me up and carry me through the intensity. I connect with energy bigger than my own body.

    As I shake, turn, and step at the 41-minute marker, I remind myself that at every moment of the day, energy of every kind is circling the globe: High energy, low energy, stop-and-go, win-and-exceed, accomplish-and-finish energy.

    A divine balance is always in motion: When I’m feeling a little tired, others in the room are feeling invigorated. When I’m feeling weak, others in the country are feeling strong. When I’m feeling uncertain, others around the globe are feeling absolute conviction.

    There is always a way through our weak spots by connecting personal energy with the continual swirling movement of collective success and accomplishment. Not only is energy always circling the globe, but we can call on the energy of many to support us at any time with any goal. With this knowingness, there is a strategic secret available for success at any time:

    Anything we want to accomplish is being successfully done right now somewhere in the world.

    When we consciously shift our “right in front of me” perspective and tap into the dynamic flow of continual source, our abilities take on a whole new level of potential. Anything we seek to accomplish, grand or small, is possible. (more…)

  • Why We Sometimes Choose Judgment Instead of Compassion

    Why We Sometimes Choose Judgment Instead of Compassion

    “In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” ~Buddha

    We talk about boys these days at our dinner table.

    Boys are sneaking into our home now—or at least the idea of boys. Although I love watching my daughters grow up—it’s much more fun (and much more challenging) than I ever could have imagined—I sometimes feel a certain sadness as their days of early childhood innocence slip behind us.

    Their battalion of stuffed animals, for example, who were accustomed to a life of travel and adventure—and a well-dressed one at that—often live in boredom now, with only an occasional new scarf or hairdo. But I know this is the natural turn of events. I’ll get over it.

    In fact, there is a juicy energy that our daughters bring back with them from their encounters with life these days.  As their view of life becomes more complex and inclusive, their struggles become richer, and I am honored to both witness and participate in this process of growing up with them. And that is what it often feels like to me—growing up with them.

    I know I am “the grown up” but, to be honest, I’m not always up to that title.

    I often struggle with the same kind of things that they do, though my struggles may be less visible and my excuses more sophisticated. Here’s an example of what I mean.

    One Saturday morning we all identified some family contributions that we were going to make. (Thanks to Parenting on Track, we now “make contributions” rather than “do chores”). One of my daughter’s contributions was to bring five pieces of wood in from the mud room for the woodstove.

    We each went about our work independently, with a plan to go sledding once everyone was finished with their list.  Later on, both girls let us know that they were all finished and ready to sled, so that’s what we did.

    But when Gregg was beginning to make a fire that evening, he realized that all the wood at the stove were the logs that he had brought in earlier.

    I heard him ask the question, “You brought in five pieces of wood?” And again, she confirmed she had. “Can you point to the ones you brought in?” he asked her. She was quiet for a moment and then said, “Oh, well…maybe I forgot to bring them in.” And when asked further, she admitted that she had lied.

    I felt disappointed. While this lie was in the minor league of lies, it still was a deliberate attempt to mislead us and avoid responsibility. How long would it have taken to bring in the wood? How should I respond to this lie? When was the last time that I lied?  (more…)

  • 11 Simple Ways to Supercharge Your Time in the Now

    11 Simple Ways to Supercharge Your Time in the Now

    “To be alive is to totally and openly participate in the simplicity and elegance of here and now.” ~Donald Altman

    Five years ago my life was a mess. I was anxious, worried, afraid, and running away from my feelings. I was running away from the present moment.

    So, what happened?

    I started applying what I knew, which were really simple things such as breathing, visualization, and being aware of my thought patterns.

    I haven’t found the Holy Grail; I simply took action. I had no idea how much my life was about to change, I just knew something had to change, because the way I was living (and feeling) wasn’t cutting it.

    I’d had enough of suffering. I wanted more. I’m not perfect, no one is, but I’m moving forward. If you’d like to do the same, I recommend the following.

    1. Breathe.

    What would an article about being present be without breathing at the top?

    I stumbled onto old Buddhist texts early on in my life, and they emphasized breathing, so I started doing that.

    At first it was hard because my mind was racing all over the place, but after a while I became aware of the muscles and subtle energy sensations in my body.

    When I focused on one part of my body, I started noticing a tingling of energy there. When I anchored myself into this very moment through my breath, I felt good, sometimes amazingly good. (more…)

  • Lost Love: What It Means to Move On

    Lost Love: What It Means to Move On

    “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

    I met a special someone. It was my first taste of love and I was sheepishly drunk with it. His were eyes I could look into forever, and he had a voice I could hear till the end of time. It was absolutely frightening.

    We were colleagues. I unwittingly got involved in his life and eventually found myself wanting to get even more involved.

    After a period of ambiguous yes-no-maybes, he exited the picture for good. He never wanted to talk about it, or wanted anything to do with me again.

    I was distraught, destroyed. Shot.

    “Move on.”

    There was a cacophony of voices, concerned friends, self-help books, parental wisdom all cooing, screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go, move on.

    They were all voices echoing the same rational advice. It’s only logical to disconnect, eject, and proceed. Move on.

    I couldn’t.

    Not a day went by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it.

    Self-help books and long runs with blaring earphones only gave a brief respite. Reason left me as soon I put the books down. My mind wandered back to the hurts when I stopped running, breathless and ever-desperate.

    “Move on!!”

    Why linger? It was a horrid state to be in. I really wanted to snap out of that self-absorbed paralysis, but something kept me there.

    After six months of marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss, and lament, I finally fumbled out of it. (more…)

  • 11 Ways to Turn Strangers into Friends

    11 Ways to Turn Strangers into Friends

    “Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends.” ~Shirley Maclaine

    Up until a year ago, I saw the world as a place where very few doors opened for me. At first I thought it was due to being extremely introverted. But as time went on, I started to struggle with making friends.

    I didn’t have many of them—and opportunities only knocked a few times a year. That’s when I realized my problems stemmed from my passivity and fear of actually going out and talking to people.

    My few closest friends always told me to join a club or go to parties. People always told me where to meet people. But they never really showed me how to actually create conversation.

    On top of that, I never really liked going to big social gatherings. I’m introverted and tend to be overwhelmed when a lot of people are around. I like talking one-on-one.

    So I decided to do things my own way. I started talking to strangers on my college campus and in the city because I was tired of staying on the sidelines.

    It was scary for a naturally timid person like me, but I decided to fight the fear.

    Great things come to those who are willing to risk rejection and put themselves out there.

    After two months of doing this, I made some great friends, simply by starting conversations.

    It’s an empowering mindset to be able to create conversation with potentially anyone. There is always the choice to talk to whom I want to talk to.

    I asked people what drink they bought from the coffee shop. I asked someone about her customized bike. I asked people to share opinions on things that affected me.

    Some people opened up to me. Some people stayed shut down. Some of them continued talking about themselves when I put the spotlight on them. Others simply answered my question and left the conversation there.

    All of these interactions allowed me to understand how to engage with people. For example, I learned that tone and body language are more important than saying the right thing.

    Through my experiences, I learned that people are usually friendly and happy to talk to you.

    I’ve been able to meet more people than I ever expected just by opening up to them.

    That’s when I learned that it was up to me to be proactive and create my own doors instead of complaining that none were opening for me. It was up to me to create my own opportunities by connecting with people.

    Besides feeling more connected, I feel happier knowing that I have the power to talk to whomever I want to. More opportunities arrived by networking with others. For example, I was able to pursue photography with a new friend simply because I reached out and asked. (more…)

  • 4 Simple Ways to Experience Great Happiness and True Freedom

    4 Simple Ways to Experience Great Happiness and True Freedom

    “It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”  ~E.E. Cummings

    I love to write. For years I wrote in journals and kept them stacked in piles on my shelves.

    One rainy winter evening when I was 25, I walked into the Bourgeois Pig bookshop on Franklin Boulevard in Los Angeles and saw a book next to the cash register written by Natalie Goldberg called Wild Mind. I bought it and my life change forever.

    Natalie’s book was about writing practice. A Zen monk practitioner, she brings the fundamentals of Zen to the creative writing process. There were some simple rules she suggested. Some of them are:

    • Set a timer and write without stopping your pen—without crossing out or editing. Follow your mind without interruption and see where it leads you.
    • Be specific. Not tree, but cypress. Not a street, but Utica Avenue in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Not a fruit, but a ripe slice of juicy pineapple.
    • Go for the jugular—toward what might scare you. Meet your insides. Dive all the way in.

    Writing in personal journals was my sacred time just for myself, to have permission to go wild, reach my depths, and be truly free.

    As fate would have it, I ended up taking a workshop with Natalie in Taos, New Mexico and we become friends. At a time of major transition in my life she invited to move to New Mexico and immerse myself in a writing life with her.

    Looking back at the many journals I collected, I see the writing met me for that moment in time, but that once it came out of me onto the paper, it was no longer a part of “me.”

    It came through me but was not of me. It was an expression that had passed no longer fitting the current moment.

    Although the writings still hold energy, the person who wrote them seems unfamiliar. That Lynn is gone, in the past, over.

    If you write in journals and go back to re-read them are you surprised, perhaps interested, sometimes astonished by the person who wrote them?

    Discovering who we are is an ever-evolving process, always changing, expanding, and growing.

    We may think we have arrived, we think we can say that we know who we are now, and then in a snap of the fingers that moment is gone and something new arises—a new insight, a new awareness, a new interest or endeavor.

    This is why we humans are a creative process. And why perceiving ourselves as a process can bring great happiness and true freedom.

    Giving myself permission to just write without trying to be something, become something, make something out of it that defines me gives me incredible freedom.

    Letting go of the need to be labeled by a “noun,” I become more interested in the “verb.” For example, I am not a writer. I write. Now, I am free.

    Then, I have permission to revel in every moment my words move across the page for absolutely no reason except for the great happiness I receive from it. (more…)

  • You Can Control What You Do Today

    You Can Control What You Do Today

    “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~Pericles

    Life is full of challenges. These obstacles are the greatest teachers we can have.

    As I’m sure is true for all of us, I have struggled with many things throughout my life. I used to feel a sense of “woe is me,” but I’ve learned to leverage these experiences to make positive changes in life.

    Don’t let your history dominate your life. We have a choice. You can let your past be the ruler of your life—or, you can make a choice to change your attitude and perspective. 

    I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents showed little in the way of affection, and I dare say they stayed together “for the kids.” This was a recipe for disaster. Water boils at 212 degrees, and our family was moving closer to that boiling point on a daily basis.

    The inevitable collapse came to fruition during the summer of my freshman year of college, in 1995.  After an intense argument, I had to separate my parents from a potentially disastrous physical altercation.

    A call to the police was made, and my dad was taken to jail for the night. Twenty-six years of marriage gone in an instant. That was it. My dad moved out the next day.

    I felt extreme guilt. I was faced with unending questions about what I could’ve done to save my parents’ marriage. I didn’t allow myself to grieve. I felt the grief my parents were feeling was enough for all of us.

    I buried these feelings and numbed myself. My negativity and destructive thinking overwhelmed me. I was never the same as a college athlete, as I let my personal challenges affect my confidence. My relationship was never the same with my girlfriend. It eventually went up in smoke.

    My biggest mistake was never talking to anyone about what I was going through. I turned to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. This only caused more problems.  (more…)

  • Love is a Choice: 30 Ways to Love in Action

    Love is a Choice: 30 Ways to Love in Action

    “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

    I recently went with girlfriends to hear one of our favorite beach bands play. Since I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, I talked a friend into taking me home early.

    While walking to our car, we witnessed a couple fighting. There was no pushing or shoving.  Fists weren’t involved.  Bizarrely enough, this couple was on opposite sides of the parking lot having their fight over their cell phones.

    Due to the volume of their voices, the fight was easy to follow. Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so I’ll gloss over that. However, what struck me about that fight was how pointless it seemed.

    Did that couple realize how lucky they were to have each other? I wanted to scream at both of them, “What if something tragic happened to one of you on the way home tonight—would this fight have been worth it?”

    I see too many couples take their relationships for granted. They forget why they fell in love. They forget the dreams they had and the plans they made. They forget their promises and commitments. The “healthy” of their relationships is based on personal happiness, rather than doing what is best for the both of them.

    Love is a choice, not a feeling or an emotion. It’s a decision you make every day of your life. Even when your mate doesn’t take out the trash, or spends too much time at the mall, or when your new haircut or outfit goes unnoticed, or when poor financial decisions set you back—you can still decide to love.

    Love is for better or worse. And when you choose not to love, you’ve given up and given in.

    It’s a decision you’ll regret.

    Take it from a widow that wishes every day that she had her husband at home to leave the toilet seat up, or scatter Popsicle sticks and papers all around the couch, or smoke stinky cigars in the house, or forget to pay the bills or pick up the kids. All those imperfections about your mate are what you will miss the most when they are gone.

    Choosing to love isn’t always easy, but it is worth the effort.  Here are some ways you can choose to love on a daily basis: (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: The Power of Flexibility

    Tiny Wisdom: The Power of Flexibility

    “Stay committed in your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” ~Tom Robbins

    This is the post that almost wasn’t—and it’s chock full of irony.

    This weekend I spoke at the first annual Bonfire Heights retreat.

    The founder, Darius, promoted this event as a meeting of “ordinary people doing extraordinary things.” Listening to the stories presenters shared, it occurred to me that “ordinary” was a modest assessment. The lineup included the youngest TED speaker ever—a twelve-year old organic farmer; a teenage paraplegic who started a non-profit foundation called Walk and Roll; and multiple CNN Heroes, to name just a few individuals.

    But it wasn’t just their messages that stirred me—it was their humanity. Since this was the first event of its kind, the crowd was relatively small, which allowed for an intimate experience. From community style meals, to S’mores around the bonfire, to impromptu nighttime beach walks, it felt like a family reunion. It felt like love was the only agenda.

    Yesterday, I planned to write during several hours at the airport, since I hadn’t yet prepared a post for today. But I found myself instead immersed in a fascinating conversation about psychology with a new friend.

    At first I resisted somewhat, since there was all kinds of inspiration percolating in my brain, waiting to be expressed in written words. I also knew I’d likely be exhausted by the time I got home. I have written every week day for more than two years. Not doing it just wasn’t an option.

    Until it was.

    My boyfriend would attest that Tiny Buddha has been the other man in my life. All my heart and soul are wrapped up in this site, and I generally make it my first priority. But in this moment, I decided being was more important than sharing. And I gave myself permission to take a day off from what I always do.

    Of course I woke up at 7:30, fired up to share. But I’m happy to sit here knowing that I do this because I want to; not because I have to.

    Sometimes the best way to stay consistent is to release that sense of urgency.

    Photo by geishaboy500

  • Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

    The next time I feel it urgent to text someone off Craigslist after 11pm, I may think twice.

    I was obsessed with attaining the body of a fitness model. I had recently been laid off and when life gets tough, I go to work—on my abs. It’s hard to accept that I can’t sweat away my troubles or make my problems magically disappear by tightening my thighs.

    I tend to be a little high-strung, and excessive exercise helps me cope. Or, it possibly just adds more fuel to the fire. Whichever it is, during this particular fitness frenzy I found myself at a Starbucks near LAX waiting for the Craigslist seller I texted the night before. He had what I needed, and at half the price.

    I have since learned that when you say, “Let’s meet at thatStarbucks by the airport,” both parties need to be very specific about which one “that”is.

    I’ve heard stories where one person is at this Starbucks while the other is at the store two blocks down, but I never considered the possibility of mixing up three locations.

    I got to the first Starbucks and looked for my seller. He said he’d be wearing a black jacket. I told him I’d be wearing workout clothes, as I’d be coming straight from my Barry’s Bootcamp class in West Hollywood. He didn’t need to know this, but I tend to give out unnecessary details.

    When I opened the door to enter the Starbucks, it was the type of entry that brings with it a gust of wind – blowing everyone’s hair and rustling their papers. Since all eyes were now glaring at me, it was hard to tell who was looking because they were selling and who was just pissed off.

    I felt one man looking longer in my direction than the others. I walked up to him and whispered, “Are you the guy with the P90X?” He paused for a moment and then laughed, “No, I’m not.”

    If I had asked someone in, oh I don’t know, Minnesota for P90X, they would probably call the cops. In L.A., the familiarity obviously skewed high. This man knew right off that I was referring to Tony Horton’s 90-Day Extreme Home Fitness Workout DVD Program, and not a new blend of Ecstasy.

    I realized what I must have looked like to that man in my gym clothes trying to score P90X from the streets. I appeared to be an obsessive fitness fiend! I was feeling pretty embarrassed when I got a text from my seller: “Running 15 minutes late. Sorry.” (more…)

  • Taking Risks: 5 Things to Know Before Leaping without a Net

    Taking Risks: 5 Things to Know Before Leaping without a Net

    “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” ~Unknown

    It was the perfect storm.

    In 2009 my best friend got married. At 48, having never been married, I once again caught the bouquet. Two months later, my mother’s home burned to the ground. At 70 years old, she lost everything, including a pet. Three months later, her husband died.

    During the process of negotiating my mom’s temporary stay at a cabin resort, I fell in love with the cabin developer. To complicate matters, I was already living with a man who I had lived with, inconsistently, for 14 years.

    To summarize, in six months I watched one of my last unmarried friends get married. I saw my mother fall to pieces. I mourned my stepdad’s passing. I terminated a 14-year relationship, to be with another man. I sold my real estate business, moved from Kansas City to the Ozarks, and lost touch with my friends—and myself.

    Two years later, I awoke and confessed what I formerly denied: I had just had a whopper of a midlife crisis.

    Through it, I learned these 5 important lessons about happiness:

    To Thine Own Self Be True

    In Hamlet, Act I, Polonius shared this as his last piece of advice to his son Laertes. To be true to yourself means to not lose sight of what is essential for your happiness.

    When I met the cabin developer who was there for me during a very difficult period, my love (or lust) blinded me of what made me, me.

    Because I thought my marriage chariot had finally arrived, I over-compromised by moving to the country, away from the city culture I adored; by living in a depressing man cave, even though I love new and modern surroundings; and by isolating myself from my friends and simple Brenda basics, like a movie theater and a salad bar.

    Friends warned me upfront that, because of these differences, I should reconsider pursuing the relationship. But I didn’t listen, until one day my inner voice me forced me to fess up. Not only was I unhappy; I was miserable.

    A good friend of mine has always known who she is, what she wants, and what is a deal breaker in her relationships. She doesn’t date men with kids and, in her words, she doesn’t sleep with Republicans. She’s Aquafina clear on her criteria. To her own self she’s don’t-screw-with-me true.

    We’re just plain happier when we know our needs and honor them. (more…)

  • It’s Time to Make a Change: If Not Now, When?

    It’s Time to Make a Change: If Not Now, When?

    “What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.”  ~Buddha

    These words resonate for me in a deeply personal way. The importance of being in the here and now, of recognizing that every moment is an opportunity to wake up to what is happening and what is possible, saved my life.

    I was a compulsive eater out of my mother’s womb. The youngest of eight children in an abusive home, I used food to feel safe. I overate every day, hated myself for it, and yet could not stop.

    I started addicted to food, and by my teenage years I was addicted to alcohol and drugs as well. By age twenty-four, I was designing my ending and talked regularly about taking my life. I was a fat, depressed drunk who hated herself, until a major shift happened.

    I had recognized my self-harming behavior and had been in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) for months, but my patterns were the same. After meetings, I would go straight to the grocery store and then binge my brains out in the car, thinking, “Well, I’m not ready yet, and I am doing the best I can right now.”

    Part of me was seeking something better and the other part was desperate; one part wanted to live and the other did not, but still I hung on to the belief that something might change.

    Then came the day when I heard four words that rocked my world forever.

    It was February, 1988. My latest New Year’s resolution to heal had died, and I was using food like crazy and drinking like a fish. There was a daylong OA conference, and as disappointed as I was in myself yet again, I knew I needed to go.

    The very first speaker, a normal-sized woman, had a story similar to mine—a lifetime of yo-yo diets and self-hate. She talked about feeling desperate and determined at the same time, of living her life in two parts: the one who knew there was more and the one who felt defeated.

    She talked about all of her excuses and stories and lies and self-betrayals, and how they were digging her grave deeper.

    She, like me, had wanted out of the quicksand, and could never find a hand or a rod or anything to pull her out. Then, one day in a meeting, she had heard a woman share a similar story of attempts to save herself until her life was changed by four words. Those words would forever change the life of this woman and, as soon as she shared them, they changed mine too.

    “If not now, when?”

    When she shared those words, I burst into tears and experienced an actual physical release in my body, an earthquake in my cells. My world was literally rocked and my life forever changed. Just then, I got it. (more…)

  • Book Giveaway and Interview: One Minute Mindfulness

    Book Giveaway and Interview: One Minute Mindfulness

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    As you can likely tell from the number of author interviews/giveaways I’ve posted during these last few weeks, I’ve been receiving and reading a wide selection of books lately. One-Minute Mindfulness is now sitting on my coffee table, where I know I will refer it often.

    The full title reads One-Minute Mindfulness: 50 Simple Ways to Find Peace, Clarity, and New Possibilities in a Stressed-Out World. It delivers on its promise.

    From the Amazon Description:

    In this book, Donald Altman brings the benefits of mindfulness down to earth and into everyday life. With fifty exercises and practices to build awareness and center attention, you will discover how to savor routine pleasures, build fulfillment in your work, enhance and heal relationships, change unhealthy habits, and connect to peace even in the midst of chaos or uncertainty.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of 5 free copies of One-Minute Mindfulness:

    1. Leave a comment on this post.
    2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: One-Minute Mindfulness by Donald Altman http://bit.ly/mQfaHA

    You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, September 25th.

    The Interview

    1. In your book, One Minute Mindfulness, you offer a variety of practices to create mindfulness in 60 seconds. It’s an accessible practice, since everyone can find a minute here and there throughout their day. Do you find that integrating these practices into a daily routine creates more mindfulness overall?

    In my mind, there’s no question that this increases the level of overall mindfulness. This is actually in line with the Buddha’s teachings—that mindfulness is used every possible moment. And it’s why mindfulness is considered to be a path to enlightenment.

    Each next sixty seconds holds the potential for anyone to open with spaciousness to whatever is happening, to see the truth of that moment. You can only do that in the next minute that is right before you, which is why a one-minute mindfulness practice is so valuable. (more…)

  • Realizing You Have Everything You Need

    Realizing You Have Everything You Need

    “He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope has everything.” ~Thomas Carlyle

    I grew up in a small town, Maysville, Kentucky, where I led the perfect, sheltered life. After graduating from high school, I pursued higher education at a local community college, and from there transferred to The University of Kentucky in Lexington.

    I had an interest in art, music, and media, pursuing a double major in journalism and communications. I dreamed about either working behind the scenes of a television studio, or becoming a certified systems engineer and working for my father’s employer.

    Then a week and one day after graduating from college, fate stepped in.

    Back home in Maysville, my loving parents thought it would be wise for me to live with my father, who lived in Cincinnati during the week, and work with his company in Information Technology. With my education I could quickly rise up the ranks to management.

    Driving back to Lexington, I felt a certain peace come over me, feeling happy with my decision. After my journey, I decided to nap on my couch to relax and prepare for my interviews and this next big adventure.

    I started to get a headache that was like none other I’d had before. The pain became excruciating, like an intense sinus headache, but in the back of my head. I got up and ran to the bathroom, got sick, and passed out. My brother who shared the apartment with me came home, found me, and called 911.

    An ambulance rushed to my apartment, picked me up, and drove me to the hospital. I was in a coma for three days.

    What happened was something called an Arterio-Venous Malformation. In laymen terms, a blood vessel ruptured in my brain, destroying the life I once knew.

    Doctors predicted that I would never be able to drive or be independent, and that I would probably never be able to walk again. I was in for the biggest challenge of my life.

    What happens after a storm? It’s time to rebuild. I had to rebuild my life.

    Three months after my accident, I was released to try to live a normal life. I couldn’t really talk. I didn’t have a job. Doctors recommended that I not pursue work in the field that I chose in college, Broadcast Journalism, to keep my stress levels down.

    There was a lot I couldn’t do, but I could focus on my fitness.  (more…)

  • 5 Reasons It’s OK to Not Know What the Future Holds

    5 Reasons It’s OK to Not Know What the Future Holds

    Silhouette

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    We spend a lot of time in life not knowing.

    There are a lot of things that we’re comfortable not knowing. Not knowing a stranger’s name. Not knowing our credit card number or a friend’s address. Not knowing the capital of Vermont.

    We’re comfortable with these things because we know there are answers. Even if we have to get on our smartphones for few minutes to find them, we know these things are all facts that actually exist.

    But there are lots of other things that we really want to know, like if our decision is going to be the right one, or if a job is going to work out, or if we’re about to be laid off.

    What is the best use of my life? What is my mission? These things are unanswerable. There are many things that we simply can’t know.

    And while we think it would be nice to know these things, to know the future, I’m here to tell you it’s really not the case. Even if we could know these things, we’re actually better off not knowing them.

    Last year, I took a new job in sales. It was a big change for me. I’d been in consulting and legal practice the rest of my career, and while part of my past work had been around growing relationships and coming up with ideas for new projects, I’d never taken a job where I was a “sales guy,” where I would be evaluated solely on my “number.”

    When I took the job, I was given a quota that, if I met it, would mean a significant increase in my pay. I was also told that I’d be groomed for greater responsibilities, that I was seen as a likely future member of senior management.

    The company has some cutting edge ways of looking at health care expenses and we help millions of people live better, healthier lives. It was a mission that I enthusiastically signed up for.

    This is what has happened since:

    The company has been through three major restructurings. Several of my peers, including the two people who brought me in for grooming, have either quit or been let go.

    The market has dried up for our services, even as we were able to prove their effectiveness with randomized controlled trials. There have been virtually no new sales. This means that I have taken a substantial pay cut and have had to dip into my savings to meet my expenses.

    The company has made almost no progress on new offerings, and several current clients have left. There is some encouraging talk of new partnerships and capabilities, but these will take months to implement.

    I sold nothing last year and am unlikely to sell much this year. And the most enthusiastic advocates for my development within the organization are gone.

    Now the question is had I known all that, would I have taken the job? And the answer is almost certainly no.

    But that would have been a big mistake—because I’ve learned so much. (more…)

  • How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret

    How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret

    “If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” ~Julia Soul

    The moment comes when you are on your knees.

    You are filled with a knowing that there is something better. There is a life for you that you are not living, and you are ready to live it.

    I call this the moment of awakening—the moment when you hear your soul’s cry for the next step in its evolution. You are ready to live your fullest expression.

    Anais Nin said it best, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

    For me, this looked like a crazy, dysfunctional relationship with food and the feeling that I was spiraling out of control. I was literally stuffing down my truest, most authentic self, and I felt lost and off my path. I was filled with a pain that I didn’t understand that I realized came from the void of not living my purpose.

    A whisper that I had been ignoring for far too long finally spoke a little louder and said, “You are here for more than this.” It came as a feeling and awareness all throughout my body.

    For you, it may feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle, one that keeps you from feeling whole and fulfilled. It’s a sense that something is missing, and you are ready to break free. You realize that your deepest desire is to improve your life and fill that greater vision for yourself.

    Often this feeling comes with a sense of determination, which can quickly turn into paralysis and feelings of:

    • Fear of the unknown and of judgment
    • Shame for where you’re at and for needing help
    • Regret of your past choices

    These feelings are natural and normal, and there is absolutely no reason to let them stop you. (more…)

  • Career Transitions: How to Cope with the In-Between Stage

    Career Transitions: How to Cope with the In-Between Stage

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

    If you’re a passionate person with goals for your life, you’ve probably been at the “in between” stage more than a few times. This is the stage when you’ve identified your goals, broken them down, identified steps to reach them, and started on that plan—but you’re not yet seeing the fruits of your labor.

    Ambitious and excited at the goal-setting stage, you embarked on this path with a vision in front of you. Now you’re in the throes of it—or maybe waiting on the sidelines for the next step. You are feeling frustrated and stuck, like you’re not making progress fast enough.

    What else can you do aside from a. worrying, b. going over your plan again and again, and c. feeling like a mouse on a wheel?

    The good news is that if you’re at the waiting stage, you’ve surpassed a major milestone. Often the hardest part of goal-setting is identifying what you want in a clear, specific manner. Visualizing your end goal is a lot of work in itself. But once you’ve done your homework, all that work can feel like a waiting game.

    I’m in the “in between” stage in my career right now, and I have been for a few months.

    I earned my MBA over a period of three years while working full-time in marketing within the financial services industry. Previously, I worked in entry-level and junior positions. I thought having an advanced degree would make it a lot easier to climb the corporate ladder, starting with a management position.

    When I graduated, I felt hopeful about my prospects, but the job search has not been as easy as I thought it would be. I’ve had some phone and in-person interviews, but none for a job I really wanted.

    I’ve reworked my resume, sought out career counselors, networked with everyone I know, and I’ve always had the “what do you do” small talk at the tip of my tongue at parties. I’ve listed my strengths, likes and dislikes, favorite companies, and important contacts. I’ve set aside time on my calendar every day for applications, networking, and follow-up efforts.

    Recently, I was starting to feel like I was just spinning my wheels. I thought I was doing all I could do, but nothing seemed to be working out, and that was frustrating. Now that I was ready, I wanted something to happen immediately. I took the time and put in the effort—where was it already?! Something should have been happening.   (more…)

  • Get Started on Your Dream: Clear the 5 Most Daunting Hurdles

    Get Started on Your Dream: Clear the 5 Most Daunting Hurdles

    Man Jumping Over a Hurdle

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~Buddha

    A decade or so ago, when I was twenty, I was supposed to settle into an “arranged marriage,” a common concept in India. I would never have known what it means to be financially independent, to go after my passions, and to be true to myself.

    Until then, I had only wished to have a career—to go to a big city, live independently, and explore my identity. But those were merely daydreams. I had accepted that in my community, girls are married off after graduation, and whatever they want to make of their lives, they do it after marriage.

    Though I had accepted that reality, I wasn’t at peace with it. I still dreamed of pursuing higher studies in a field that was my passion and forte: Mass Communication. The institute I aspired to attend would take no more than forty students per subject and no less than the crème de la crème of the country.

    It was only prudent that I brush the dream under the carpet, because, even if I tried, it seemed unlikely. Also, I didn’t have any time to prepare for an exam like this, which was a month away, and I couldn’t take the exam the following year. My family wouldn’t wait “that long” to see me married.

    I realized this might have been my only chance to shape my life as I visualized it. I had a month to prepare for this high-profile exam. Those thirty days could determine the next thirty years of my life.

    I wondered, “What would happen if I put every single grain of my brain, my heart, my soul, my blood, and my bones into this one dream?” And then I found out!

    My fears gave way to determination, a sense of purpose replaced my complacency, and my day dreams faded as I adopted a “now or never” sense of urgency.

    Today, I am so proud of myself that I dared to make that attempt, against all odds. I did not resign to my fate, and as a result, I made it into the top forty league of students at my dream school, where I pursued my passion. Those thirty days changed my life forever. (more…)

  • Love the Adventure of Life: 3 Ways to Enjoy Everything More

    Love the Adventure of Life: 3 Ways to Enjoy Everything More

    “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ~Helen Keller

    Ever since I can remember I liked to travel. It does something to me, something strange and oddly uncharacteristic: I am suddenly very laid back.

    When I travel I’ve got the right mind-set. I know I will stand in lines, have to schlep heavy bags, or perhaps have delays. I know that I will be eating at restaurants for the first time, without knowing if I will like them.

    At home, when I am stressed out and worried, my mind likes to give me lists of things to do that I can’t keep up with. It juts me way out into the future, compels me to question myself, and stops me from being present with the task at hand.

    The trick for me is to do one of the following:

    • Not believe my mind
    • Acknowledge it, and then put my attention on something else
    • Remember how much I like traveling

    When I travel, I expect the unexpected and have faith in the fact that things will not always go my way. This is part of the whole adventure.

    I often wonder when traveling with my husband if he thinks to himself, “Who the hell is this person?” He must wonder it because I wonder it myself.

    Travel is just the most obvious place for me to accept that I do not have control. I relax because I realize I never have control over anything anyway, so why not anticipate or even marvel at the ways my vacation may be going “wrong”? (more…)

  • 5 Simple but Powerful Choices for Pure Peace and Contentment

    5 Simple but Powerful Choices for Pure Peace and Contentment

    “Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” ~Doris Mortman

    Every day I chat with a friend and he always asks, “How are you?” This isn’t the superficial greeting we often give to an acquaintance in passing. He really wants to know, and I usually oblige with an honest snapshot of how my life is at the moment.

    I began to notice that my answers contained words like “quiet,” “peaceful,” and “content.” Could this be the elusive happiness that I spend so much energy and time to achieve? And could it have settled subtly on my shoulder like a shy butterfly while I was busy with my life?

    I am constantly reading and analyzing how I can make my short time on earth better. In general, life is good. But like many people, I often fall into the trap of trying to do too much, be too much, and painstakingly pick myself apart for being human.

    I took some time to reflect what changes I had made over the last few months that would have opened me to a feeling of pure contentment. By contentment, I simply mean I feel fine and secure with what I have, what I am, and where I am going right at this moment.  I know things can change, but I feel now is perfect.

    Here are the five things I identified that led me to find a harmony within, however fleeting.

    1. Show humility.

    I live in Florida, where the housing market is especially broken. The loss of tourism, the NASA space program, and other economic hardships here have caused many friends to lose their homes to foreclosure. I am reminded everyday to be grateful for things such as a house I love and the ability to share with my children.

    When I sweep my floors, I think, “I feel thankful to have what I have and the joy to taking care of it.” It sounds funny, but many boring household chores are what others would wish for. These chores are a service to my family and a healthy dose of humbleness for my soul.

    2. Recognize enough.

    With practice, and gentle reminders from those I respect, I have finally accepted my true life is happening right now. I celebrate the accomplishments and good things as they happen and avoid looking ahead too far for more of the same.

    Going slowly and enjoying the journey is “life.” Rushing the moment can take such fun out of the anticipation. Expectations can lead to disappointment, but accepting what I have been given now is contentment.

    If right now is painful for you, try thinking, “I’m growing,” instead of “I’m hurting.” It’s pain and discomfort that causes us to move. Sometimes the move is necessary and beneficial overall.

    I repeat the mantra “I have what I need” often to remind me that now is not just enough, but a blessing.

    3. Simplify life.

    Give up what you don’t need and be glad you did. So many things can fall into this category. Material things take space and energy to maintain. Toxic relationships tax our positivism and peacefulness. Worry and despair over things we cannot change rob our sense of well being.

    Very few things in life are a real crisis. Those that are cannot be solved by worry but by deliberate and thoughtful actions. Take decisive action to cut out the things that complicate and thus rob you of true contentment.

    I’ve begun to clear whole days on my calendar of planned events. These are free days that I can spend with my family spontaneously.

    4. Have real fun.

    Regret can be a mood killer. We often take the serious and over-analyzed road when making decisions. It’s good to be responsible; it’s also good to take a chance even if it entails a big mistake.

    I went to Las Vegas once and really wanted to try a live poker tournament. I chickened out and instead watched a friend try it. It is something I still wish I had pushed myself to do.

    Is a card game a life or death situation? No. But I should have allowed myself the fun, and if the chance arises again, I’m on it! Respect your boundaries, but be open to experiences and challenges that offer a sense of peace.

    5. Make room for quiet.

    Whether you pray, meditate, listen to nature, or even just be, allow yourself to hear what’s in your heart. Connecting with what is inside better prepares you to deal with the exterior world with calmness and peace. Give up control and release yourself to thoughts and emotions that can heal, strengthen, and even surprise you.

    Your inner voice often has something to say. You can best recognize that gut feeling that can act as a reliable compass once you turn off all the noisy, messy distracting sounds of life. I describe it as being “plugged in” to the positivity around me.

    I am not all calmness and peace all the time. I have a full and often chaotic life with children and a job. But, with a few mindful adjustments, I have found a season of contentment, and for that my thankfulness abounds!