Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • 5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    “When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

    A while back I began to feel out of sorts with my writing. It happened after coming down from the high of creating almost nonstop with my inner muse. I noticed that I began to feel down, like the feeling one gets after being at the amusement park when the excitement is over.

    Creating and finishing my projects had been a wild ride. It was exciting and intense at times. But once done, an insidious feeling began to over take me.

    My thoughts began to wander to “the dark side” questioning my abilities.

    What if I can’t create something new? What if people don’t like what I have done?

    Like after any expenditure of energy, there is always a lull. Lulls have been known to drain ones creative energy if you let them. I know from experience that if I let myself I can easily slip into a creative stupor.

    When in that lull or in that space between creativity, it may seem like nothing is happening. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We need that break.   

    When in this state I feel sensitive and quick to take things personally. I could just do nothing and give in to the disappointment when things have not gone as I have expected. Alternatively, I could use this as motivation, a starting point for another creative endeavor.

    But self-doubt has a way of getting under your skin. For me I begin to feel an uprising of the “you’re not good enough” gremlins inside me when this happens.

    I remember when this happened after something I submitted online was not accepted.  It felt like a rejection. “Forget it then!” belted out a voice inside with the force of a 2 year-old having a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.  (more…)

  • Finding the Keys to Your Happiness

    Finding the Keys to Your Happiness

    “Maybe the key to happiness is to focus less on making moments last and more on making them count.” ~Lori Deschene

    Over the years, I have had my fair share of trials, many having to do with being bipolar and having OCD and ADD.

    These illnesses combined have made for a rough go. One day I might feel spontaneous and want to take a trip to Disney World, the next day I may want to end it all.

    Going back and forth with happiness and despair is an emotionally draining process. Knowing that it’s all in my mind is the most frustrating thing to deal with.

    It’s hard to describe an emotional illness that takes you up and down to those individuals who might not understand, but keeping your perspective in tune is the best solution. When I read Lori’s blog on focusing on making moments count, I knew I needed to write something in response.

    So I want to share with you how I find my keys to happiness because we all know keys go missing from time to time.

    1. Don’t get caught up with the negatives of the world.

    When you are driving to work in a traffic jam, instead of slamming your hands on the dashboard, put on your favorite tune. Let it take you back to the moment when you first heard it.

    2. Stuff happens.

    Don’t let the stuff determine how your day is going to be.  (more…)

  • The Fable of Fear and 3 Simple Steps to Conquer It

    The Fable of Fear and 3 Simple Steps to Conquer It

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    Once upon a time, there was a young woman who carried Fear as her constant companion.

    It wasn’t fear of wild animals, impending danger, or the shadows that lurk in the night. In fact, her friend Fear had become disassociated with any real thing. It had become an entity all its own that could morph and wind its way into any circumstance the woman happened to be in.

    The woman wasn’t born this way.

    When she was small, Fear had served her well and taught her how to stay out of harm’s way. But as the girl grew and experienced the world around her (which could sometimes be harsh and painful), Fear found a foothold for power.

    Fear taught the girl that Harsh and Painful were always just around the corner, even when they weren’t, and showed her how to avoid life so that she wouldn’t meet them. When she did meet Harsh and Painful, Fear said, “I told you so. You better stick with me.”

    Fear’s Sneaky Plot

    Sometimes her erstwhile friend Fear thought it was fun to poke around in the young woman’s mind, searching for weak spots so that it could manufacture something that felt as real as an oncoming train or a lurking monster.

    Fear was sneaky like that. It liked to torment and create havoc in the woman’s heart and mind. It whispered stories in her ear that weren’t true or only had a grain of truth. Fear liked to embellish. Fear liked to stir the pot.

    The woman knew that she’d allowed Fear to become her master. But she kept feeding it by worrying, over-thinking, pontificating, ruminating, and believing without question. As Fear munched away growing fatter and stronger, the young woman began to shrink. (more…)

  • 50 Things to Love about Life That Are Free

    50 Things to Love about Life That Are Free

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    If you asked an eight-year-old version of me to list all the things I loved, it might have looked something like this:

    • Ice cream
    • Swings
    • Snow days
    • Beach days
    • More ice cream
    • Saturday morning cartoons

    In fact, I’m sure I could have created an inventory longer than my usual Christmas list, including a ton of things that either tasted, felt, or looked good.

    It didn’t occur to me until later in life that some of the best things are intangible, and that I could experience them at any time if I just opened my heart and mind to let them in.

    I think most of us know this intellectually—that pride in our work can be more valuable than what it buys, for example. But sometimes we get so caught up in securing the trappings of the good life—the house, the car, the furnishings, the clothes—we’re too distracted to notice and appreciate the intangibles.

    That’s not to say there’s something wrong with enjoying material things. I’m still a huge fan of my TV (flatter and larger), ice cream (okay, almond milk ice cream now) and days off (though I can’t seem to negotiate any snow days into my adult California lifestyle). It’s just that there’s so much more to love about life that doesn’t cost a dime. (more…)

  • No Act of Kindness is Too Small

    No Act of Kindness is Too Small

    “There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle, or you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

    One of the key ways to bring about greater harmony and peace in our lives is through understanding—looking at a situation and taking the time to put ourselves into the minds and hearts of others.

    And the key to understanding begins with the seed of compassion. Sounds so simple, right? So why don’t we do it?

    As people living in the west, we can sometimes be in too much of a rush to be kind—particularly when we’re dealing with deadlines and pressures.

    Can you think of a time when you brushed passed a certain situation and later regretted it? Feeling afterward that somehow you should have lent a helping hand, no matter how big or how small?

    In Northern India I am very fortunate to have what I call my Tibetan family within a monastery there. The monks have welcomed me into their world, and as they go about their daily business, I’m right there with them spending time.

    The benefits of this unique and special opportunity range from attending wonderful sacred events to sitting watching TV together as they serve me momos (dumplings).

    One night, while relaxing with the monks after a nice meal, I received a late call and learned that my cat back home in London was sick.

    The monks stopped what they were doing—one was even dragged back out of bed—and did an impromptu prayer session for my furry friend without a second thought.

    There they were, five of them chanting away. It blew my mind, because it demonstrated to me that they understood my fears and concerns and held my cat’s health in great importance.  (more…)

  • A Reason to Be Grateful for Our Most Difficult, Painful Experiences

    A Reason to Be Grateful for Our Most Difficult, Painful Experiences

    “Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melody Beattie

    I’ve never had a problem with forgiveness.

    In high school my mother and I would argue endlessly. Her lectures and my rebellion both had no end. While it was true that my mother had her faults, my independence caused me to be less than willing to follow her direction.

    At one point we were arguing, as we usually did, which meant hours of crying and lecturing. As I pointed out to her yet another of her faults, she said something that I have never forgotten:

    “At least I didn’t tell you that you were worthless.”

    She was right. That’s what her mother had drilled into her head again and again, making sure she understood that she had little value to the world. A lesson that I suspect she still believes or at least struggles with.

    At some point in her life, perhaps while she was pregnant with me, or maybe before, she determined that this was one legacy she would not pass on. She would never tell me that I had no value, and indeed she never did.

    While it may seem like nothing, to struggle against your upbringing, to stop a cycle of emotional abuse, is a phenomenal act of strength.

    I didn’t know what I hadn’t received.

    Up until that point I hadn’t even thought about the fact that this horrible thing hadn’t happened to me. I only thought about the things I didn’t like—the treatment that was dysfunctional. (more…)

  • How to Create Joy Today: 7 Tips for a Happy Life

    How to Create Joy Today: 7 Tips for a Happy Life

    “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    I have recently come face to face with mortality—not my own, my friend’s. At only thirty-seven, Daniel left behind an army of people whose lives he had touched in some way, including my own.

    At thirty-three I have just qualified as a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist. At the time Daniel passed away I was working as a human resources manager, a profession I had originally trained in and remained in for over ten years.

    A number of factors and events led me to make the leap and set up my own practice as a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, but the overriding reason was simply to follow my dreams.

    Many of my friends told me how inspiring I was to them, others told me I was brave, and the rest gave me a look of awe that suggested I was crazy.   

    Words of well-meaning advice were spoken.

    “Why don’t you work part time while you get the business underway?”

    “It’s going to take time for you to get regular clients you know; they won’t come overnight.”

    “You can always go back to human resources if it doesn’t work.”

    All of this came from my nearest and dearest friends and family! I didn’t listen to any of them because I knew from the depths of my soul that this was the right thing to do, and I knew their words were only echoes of their own fears about life and striking out, not my own.

    Every day we are faced with stories that remind us of our own mortality as human beings, but when you lose someone you love with all your heart, it changes something deep within you. (more…)

  • Decluttering Made Easy: How I Lightened My Load from the Inside Out

    Decluttering Made Easy: How I Lightened My Load from the Inside Out

    “Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown

    Last December I found myself sitting on my floor, having just left my job and a ten-year relationship. As a result, I was about to leave my home too. In front of me was a mountain of possessions that I somehow had to take with me to wherever I was going next.

    Clothes, bedding, books, notebooks, electronic bits and pieces, boxes of ornaments, and sentimental “things,” handbags within handbags, flocks of high heels, tsunamis of paperwork…

    And then there was little me.

    I felt overwhelmed by my possessions. It seemed unnatural to have accumulated more than I could carry alone, or at least fit into my car.

    Outside, it was the run up to the holidays in the middle of a recession. Half the country was unable to afford their heating bills, let alone presents. So to distract myself I brought a handful of things to a children’s charity shop down the road: teddies, pictures, a wicker basket that would be perfect for a child to keep toys in.

    And that unleashed the floodgates.

    I felt good—for me, because my burden of possessions had shrunk, and for the children, who might receive these things at Christmas.

    While the basket was hard to give away—it had been mine since I was a baby—giving it away made me see that I was better able to mentally cope with getting rid of things, than physically cope with trying to take it all with me.

    And so an epic spring clean began in the middle of my winter. Three weeks of rifling through boxes and shipping stuff out to charity shops, friends, family, the trash, and eBay.

    Some things were easy to give away. Others were not. Certain things I had no use for—yet something made me hesitate to let them go. I came to know these hesitations as emotional speed bumps. (more…)

  • 6 Powerful Questions That Will Change Your Life Forever

    6 Powerful Questions That Will Change Your Life Forever

    “Information is not knowledge.” ~Einstein

    A few years ago I was lost. Frustrated. Scared. Unsure. Anxious. Trapped. Unfulfilled. Stuck in a dead-end job. Smothered by society’s expectations. Didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life.

    I cared for myself enough to change my life, but I didn’t have the slightest clue where to start. I spent my days wishing that things would change—that I could escape a life that my soul could no longer bear.

    The worst part of all, I was living the life that society had always told me to live. “Find a secure job, work hard,” they would say. “Get a solid job and work your way up the ladder.”

    I don’t know about you, but it turns out that for me, the “right thing to do” sucked the joy out of life.

    Imagine feeling trapped in an unsatisfying existence. Wasting your precious time doing things that you really don’t want to be doing. Being afraid to express your uniqueness. Having fun on the weekends then dreading the upcoming week. Maybe you don’t have to imagine it; maybe your life is just like mine was, few moments of satisfaction drowned out by a constant grind of work that doesn’t fulfill you.

    Then something hit me. It was a proverbial hammer to my head. I’d heard it before, but it had never sunk in. Then, as if out of nowhere, a voice in my head spoke loudly and clearly.

    “Discover who you truly are and fully give every aspect of your uniqueness to the world. This is your path to an extraordinary life.”

    I followed this wisdom as if my life depended on it. And I can tell you that my life has changed for the better since I followed this guidance.

    I can tell you without any doubt that the greatest piece of wisdom that I’ve discovered in my life thus far is this: (more…)

  • How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I have just eaten enough pizza to satisfy three people and I’m feeling awful for having done it. Awful because my stomach can only hold so much, awful because I know I’m going to pay for eating it (dairy and I have a difficult relationship), and awful because I know I shouldn’t have done it.

    This is what my internal monologue looks like:

    Me: I feel so sick.
    Inner Me: You shouldn’t have eaten so much then!

    Me: I know but I really fancied it and I hate wasting food.
    Inner Me: You always do this, you know that?

    Me: I thought I could do it differently this time.
    Inner Me: What, you mean not gorge? We spoke about this, Sam. We spoke about how the last time really was the last time.

    Me: I know… I kind of caved though.
    Inner Me: You lack discipline; you need to be stricter with yourself.

    I could go on for ages, but you get the idea.

    Everyone has that voice inside of them that might berate them for less than wise choices: that unnecessary new sweater (to join all your others); the new phone (even though the one you have now works perfectly); staying up late to finish work (that could have been done earlier in the day if only you hadn’t spent the afternoon catching up with your favorite TV series).

    A lot of people let this voice get the better of them. They let it get out of control to the point where, instead of being a good moral compass, it becomes a guilt-tripper of tyrannical proportions. It harms instead of helps. But why do we let this happen? (more…)

  • Giveaway and Interview: The Mindful Manifesto

    Giveaway and Interview: The Mindful Manifesto

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    If you read this site regularly, odds are you’re familiar with mindfulness, and you may even meditate regularly.

    It’s a simple practice that can dramatically improve our physical, mental, and emotional well-being, since it helps ground us in the present moment, and frees us from the burden of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

    Whether you’re new to mindfulness or not, you’ll likely find some helpful tools in The Mindful Manifesto: How Doing Less and Noticing More Can Help Us Thrive in a Stressed Out World. Straight-forward and comprehensive, the book offers detailed instructions to retrain our minds—and be kind to ourselves in the process.

    Mindfulness teacher Ed Haliwell, who co-authored The Mindful Manifesto with Dr. Jonty Heaversedge, took some time to answer a few questions about the book; and he generously offered to give away 5 copies to Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win 1 of 5 free copies of The Mindful Manifesto:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: The Mindful Manifesto http://bit.ly/H7vMTw

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, April 6th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little about yourself. How did you come to teach mindfulness?

    I came to mindfulness practice when I was experiencing a lot of stress, depression and anxiety. I kept searching for ways to change how I was feeling, and several people suggested learning to meditate. (more…)

  • Maybe We’ll Never Arrive

    Maybe We’ll Never Arrive

    “Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” ~Matsuo Basho

    Once, one of my friends shared a line of wisdom that summed up the dance of wholeness and aspiration I often find myself absorbed in:

    “Everything is quite all right; our worth secure and true. Everything’s not quite all right; we’ve worthy work to do…”

    Part of the longing and neediness I tend to feel comes from a rift between who or where I am, and where I believe I should be to be “successful.”

    My life has been colored by this dichotomy: the strange see-sawing dance between achievement and room to grow.

    I’ve struggled endlessly with the concept of my “potential” and the frustrating feeling that potential will always add itself on to the top of any ceiling I break through, creating only more upward space in which to aim, aspire, and yearn.

    And yet, any spiritual practice will allow us to see that we are whole, complete, and perfect just as we are in the very moment.

    For me, yoga has been a bridge between these two places—where I am and where I want to be.

    It encourages me to be grounded, to deepen, to see and experience my wholeness, to accept myself for all my facets—just as I am. It allows me to be a work in progress, allows my life to be a journey, and my emotions a process.

    I have utilized yoga and meditation as a tool of self-love, one that then immediately opens into compassion for others, and an expansive sense of self. I live my day with more love, more serenity, and more grace, when I actively dedicate time and energy to tapping into a calmer sense of being. (more…)

  • Why the Grass is Never Greener and How to Be Happy Today

    Why the Grass is Never Greener and How to Be Happy Today

    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown

    Lifestyle. Opportunities. Wealth. Just think how far we’ve come in the past 100 years—especially when you look at what we have today compared with our great grandmothers’ generation.

    My great grandmother married very young, lived in the same place her whole life, and had 11 children. She never had a “career” and never got a chance to go on a vacation. Her life was hard, poor, and lacking in any real opportunity.

    I wonder if she ever dreamed about moving to another city, or transforming her life, or about seeing the world with just a backpack. I bet she did, but back then there weren’t as many opportunities as we have today.

    Thanks to technology, the Internet, and an improved society, our lifestyles are completely transformed. We have choices. We can live pretty much anywhere we want. We can travel and see the world.

    We can secure jobs on the other side of the planet. We can start our own businesses and serve clients thousands of miles away. It’s definitely an exciting time.

    But when there is a wealth of opportunities, choices, and places where we could choose to live, you’d think we’d all be happy, right? Wrong.

    You see, the problem with having choices is that we become restless. We can’t settle on what we already have or be satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing.

    It’s called “the grass is always greener” syndrome. We think someone else is having a better time elsewhere. We make ourselves miserable by constantly thinking about the unknown in an endless quest to find happiness. (more…)

  • Why We Find It Hard to Do Things That Are Good for Us

    Why We Find It Hard to Do Things That Are Good for Us

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I find it hard to do things I know are good for me, harder than anything else in my day-to-day life.

    Yoga, meditation, journaling: these have all been invaluable tools during my personal journey, yet I have to will, sometimes fight myself in order to do them.

    It’s not that the activities themselves are hard (although yoga can be intense). It’s the motivation, the internal debate that starts up every day that I struggle with. Afterward, I feel great, more in touch with myself and far more at peace. But to get there, it’s a psychological mission.

    I used to think it was just me—that everyone else sat down to these activities with an eager mind and an open heart, especially people who write about these things, like I do, and practice them daily, like I want to.

    The fact that I was less skipping joyfully to and from these activities and more dragging myself with gritted teeth left me feeling like a fraud, which meant I wanted to do these things even less.

    Over time, I learned more about self-acceptance. I learned to accept that this was me, the way I am, and that perhaps I will always find it difficult to sit down and do these things, whether it makes sense or not. Yet, I still felt alone with my struggles and, therefore, afraid to really talk about them with anyone else.

    Last week, I was talking to a friend of mine about challenges he was having with a course I run. He was saying he felt resistance, he didn’t know why, and that it seemed like everyone else found sitting down and doing the work a walk in the park. They could just do it, whereas for him it was a daily battle.

    That sounded familiar…

    And as soon as I wasn’t trying to hide the resistance, as soon as I let myself talk about it openly, I could think more clearly about why I felt that way, and what was behind that resistance. And out of all those reasons came the realization: the resistance is on my side; sometimes it’s just misguided. (more…)

  • Standing on Your Own Two Feet and Facing Uncertainty

    Standing on Your Own Two Feet and Facing Uncertainty

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    A year ago I was finishing my degree in the UK. And I feel in love.

    I was confused about my life. What was I supposed to do after my degree? Go back home? Do a masters degree, and in what area? Stay and get a job in the UK? If yes, then what job? The questions in my mind were endless.

    It was the feeling of distress and confusion you experience when you’re in a transitional phase in your life. Everyone has felt it at least a couple of times.

    For me, it was probably the most confused period of my life, and then it got worse. My father let me know that he wanted me to end my relationship. He thought that because of his appearance and attitude he would be a bad influence.

    He told me to choose between the two of them, but I just I couldn’t.

    How could you choose between two people that are important to you?

    My father decided cut me off and didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

    I felt disappointed with my father’s behaviour and confused because I would not be able to continue my studies without emotional and financial support; and of course I felt alone.

    You always have the suspicion that some people might betray, disappoint, or hurt you, but for many of us, it never crosses our minds that our parents could be those people. My father, the person I thought would always be there for me, didn’t want to see me anymore—and for such a stupid reason.

    I was firm in my decision to keep seeing my boyfriend. What if this happened again in the future; would I always need to choose who to spend time with based on my father’s approval? Was I willing to put each person that enters in my life through my father’s test? I certainly wasn’t!

    I felt angry. I couldn’t sleep well for almost six months. I cried almost every day. I was suffering as if my father had died, since he wasn’t in my life. (more…)

  • How to Stop Dwelling on the Life You Could Be Living

    How to Stop Dwelling on the Life You Could Be Living

    “If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I’ve often compared myself to others and imagined that they have a better life than I do.

    The youngest of eight children, I grew up with a mother who often said, “So and so must really be happy! Look at them! They know how to live life.”

    Becoming a widower at the age of forty with eight children to raise was not easy on her, which is why she constantly wished her life were different. And somehow, those thoughts and words stuck with me.

    I’ve frequently felt that I’m not enough, despite being a professor and researcher, having published books, and having presented at conferences in Brazil and abroad.

    No matter how much I’ve done and accomplished in my life, I usually catch myself looking at other people´s lives and thinking they´re better off (despite all the webinars, self-development books, self-improvement mp3s, and meditations I have done).

    I compare myself to people who somehow “seem” to lead a more fun life. In the beginning of my career, I thought that other researchers were always “producing” more than I was.

    This type of thinking also manifests in the suspicion that I could be living another life.

    Let me explain: We sometimes get stuck, thinking the past, or our “lost opportunities,” as we like to label them, are better than the present.

    Our thinking might sound like this:

    “If I had done such and such, I would be living my dreams.”

    “I could be living this adventurous life in another city doing something else.”

    “I´d be so happy if only I had…”

    This is where the problem lies.

    Lost opportunities happen when we are nowhere instead of now here.

    We are nowhere when we live in the present lamenting the past, dreaming of a future that may never come if we are not mindful about our present, about the now here.

    No one can be happy if not in the present. (more…)

  • Now is the Time to Appreciate the People Who Have Helped You

    Now is the Time to Appreciate the People Who Have Helped You

    “No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.” -James Allen

    Recently, my mom told me that my beloved piano teacher had passed on. She had reached a high age and died peacefully in her sleep. This news, delivered to me via Facebook, hit me harder than I could have prepared myself for.

    Sitting there in front of my computer, I remembered the circumstances of my meeting her. Originally, it was because my sister wanted to learn how to play piano.

    It was by pure chance that I decided to go with her for her first lesson and I instantly fell in love with the teacher. She was the same age as my grandma, which was great because back then younger people terrified me. We hit it off right away.

    I must have been around thirteen years old back then and I was in a really dark place of my young life. My eating disorder, which I had developed at the age of about ten, was starting to get more serious.

    I lost weight rapidly and my exercising got out of hand. I was a shadow of myself and I was terribly insecure and weary of life.

    Spending one hour a week with this unusually large, brilliant lady was like my sanctuary. When I closed the door of her tiny piano room, I knew I was in a safe place.

    She listened to me when no one else did. If I showed you my piano skills today, you’d agree with me that we probably talked more than we practiced playing. Being with her was like the counseling I desperately needed.

    I treasured each and every moment with her. I was more open to her about my anorexia, about my problems with the family, and my terrifying fear of my brother than I had ever been with somebody else. I trusted her. No matter how caught up I was in my illness, I never skipped a lesson.

    Then, I went to the US and our ways separated. Over the years, I would hear frequent updates of how she was doing and I would send her the occasional letter.

    When driving by her house, I would make a mental note to schedule some time for a visit sometime in the future. I never did.

    My piano teacher had often told me that she had seen the vulnerability in my eyes and my posture when we first met. She saw that I was a broken soul and she knew that she was there to guide me and to help me through some of the hardest years of my life. (more…)

  • Swapping out your To-Do list for a Be-Now List

    Swapping out your To-Do list for a Be-Now List

    “The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.” ~Robert Fulghum

    For as long as I can remember, I have been an ardent keeper of a life to-do list. Always a set of invisible criteria in my head, and sometimes written-out in actual lists, my to-do list of life improvements has been sort of a North Star, guiding my direction and efforts.

    This love of improvements in process stems from a longstanding and deep desire to be transformed in some magical way. Not because my life has ever been bad in an objective sense, but nevertheless, I always believed my life—and I—needed to be changed and improved.

    In elementary school, for example, I can remember thinking ahead to a trip I was going to take in the summer with my friend’s family to Cape Cod.

    I planned all the ways I’d use the following months to become the pretty wasp-y girl who I thought belonged on Cape Cod (grow out my hair, get a new cover for Bermuda bag…)

    Or, when I went off to college in New York City, I looked forward to the very sophisticated, adventurous urbanite I would be (stop eating dinner between now and then to be skinny, buy this pair of boots and that jacket, develop an air of nonchalant cool…)

    This was a pattern I replayed many times over: set my sights on a media-perfected image of a lifestyle or type of person, and then list all the ways that I needed to change to become more like that image.

    All of these different factors would find their ways into resolution or to-do form. (Will lose weight, will be more extroverted and charming, will learn to be a better flirt, and so on.)

    When the experiences I planned for came to pass, they each had their own reality, which was good, interesting, and full in its own way. (more…)

  • Give Yourself Some Credit!

    Give Yourself Some Credit!

    “Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown

    After pitching an idea to an international online magazine a month ago, I recently sent the article to the editor. I was quite nervous. It had taken me more than a month. Every time I sat down to write, I didn’t know how to begin.

    I typed and then deleted my paragraphs. I typed again, and then deleted the whole document. I wasn’t happy with what I had written.

    Eventually, I said to myself, I had to submit something because it had taken too long. So in the flurry of two hours, I hammered out the article, sent it to a friend for comments, and went about perfecting it.

    I revised my writing, taking a few of my friend’s suggestions, but still I wasn’t completely satisfied with what I had produced. Yet, I didn’t know how else I would improve it anymore. By then, I was tired of reading, re-reading, and re-re-reading, so I sent it off.

    For three days I waited gingerly by my computer, causing myself needless anxiety over whether or not the article would be accepted.

    This was crucial for me as I was taking the first step in testing the market to see if it was receptive to my thoughts, and perhaps a book about the experiences of a Generation Y female executive overcoming depression.

    Plus, the website was authoritative in its own right and it would give me some exposure and signs as to whether my direction was in on track.

    I was more than ecstatic that the editor came back and said they had already published the post and gave me a link to it.

    You might think I felt proud of myself for this achievement. (more…)

  • The Path to Living Authentically

    The Path to Living Authentically

    “Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” ~Unknown

    Growing up in Appalachia, women always had grace, class, and sweet iced tea in the refrigerator for unexpected visitors. They smiled when called ma’am or darling and kept an immaculate home.

    Many Appalachian women also abided by two rules: It’s impolite to say no, and (my mother’s favorite adage), be as nice as you possibly can and everyone will realize you’re the better person.

    For me, this translated as always say yes and play nice. I thought this equated to being compassionate and sensitive.

    You’re stranded on the side of the road four hours away during an ice storm? I’ll get you. You want to be intimate on the first date? I don’t want you to dislike me, so okay. You think I’m hateful, unworthy, and a crybaby? You’re probably right.

    Yet, I played nice for so long that laughter turned to appeasement, confidence turned to harassment and verbal abuse, kindness turned to obligation. 

    As I allowed others to treat me unkindly and without respect, somewhere living soulfully became nonexistent. I always thought that I kept everyone at arm’s length with a smile on my face because I didn’t want to be hurt.

    In reality, I was so angry at myself for those specific moments of being run over that I willingly began playing the victim.

    It became easier to sabotage myself and continue down that road than to work hard and become a strong, outspoken, and vivacious woman again, which wouldn’t unfold until years later when I spent the night in the middle of nowhere. (more…)