Tag: Happiness

  • There is No End Worse Than the End of Hope

    There is No End Worse Than the End of Hope

    “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” ~Winston Churchill

    We all fall down. And you’ve probably heard that getting back up is the key to moving forward.

    But what do you do when disaster strikes? When a loved one is so injured, so debilitated, that hope seems to have vanished? What then?

    This is a true story. It may be hard to believe and beyond what you may think is possible, but it actually happened.

    It took place nearly thirty years ago.

    Disaster

    I picked up the blue referral sheet in the physical therapy office at Brackenridge Hospital in Austin, Texas one morning, like I always did.

    Scribbled on the top of the page was a patient’s name and a room number in the Intensive Care Unit along with instructions: “Physical therapy – range of motion twice daily.” I was supposed to manually move the patient’s limbs and joints to maintain mobility.

    As I walked into the room, I noticed that the patient was a young woman in her early twenties. I assumed that the people seated at her beside were her mother and father. The only sounds in the room were the pulsations of the ventilator, the intermittent beep from the IVs.

    The young woman, I learned later from her medical file, had been strangled and left for dead. She suffered from anoxic encephalopathy—severe loss of oxygen to the brain.

    She had few signs of life. Eyes shut. Body rigid. Non-responsive to touch. The family wanted my opinion and all I could say was that I would do everything I could to help. (more…)

  • How to Drop the Extra (Mental) Weight and Set Yourself Free

    How to Drop the Extra (Mental) Weight and Set Yourself Free

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

    Most people I know are carrying extra weight—and I’m not talking about gaining a few pounds.

    I’m talking about the mental and emotional weight we lug around with us. We carry it everywhere—like a backpack full of bricks—and it weighs us down.

    Personally, much of my extra weight comes from the expectations I have for myself to be more—more present, more productive, more enlightened. Although these might be wonderful things to work toward, wanting to be more can easily translate to not being enough now.

    In that way, each desire to be more than what I currently am equates to a few more bricks in my backpack. An extra load to haul around on my back, making life a little harder to navigate.

    For me it happens to be expectations, but our habits can weigh us down too. Watching television that doesn’t nourish our souls, eating foods that don’t nourish our bodies, and holding on to thoughts that don’t nourish our minds. The effects add up.

    And let’s not forget the hand-me-down beliefs. Beliefs like “Good things don’t happen to people like me,” or “I’m just not lucky in love.”

    Or the old memories we replay, or the feelings we refuse to feel that bubble under the surface.

    They are all heavy, needless weight.

    So what?

    Maybe you’re wondering, what’s the big deal? So what if you’re a little weighed down; it could be worse.

    Or maybe you’re thinking that backpacks and bricks go hand-in-hand with responsibility. It’s your burden to bear; best to suck it up and carry on.

    You certainly can go about your life with your backpack loaded up. The weight is rarely debilitating—and that’s exactly when it can be most harmful. (more…)

  • Choose Love Now

    Choose Love Now

    “Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

    Growing up, I was lucky that my parents surrounded me with a strong and steady current of love, despite our family’s own little dysfunctions and a knowingness that I wasn’t like other kids.

    In truth, once I got past my shyness, I was a pretty confident young girl who actually enjoyed being the “different” one, immersing myself in the creative outlet of dance and soothing my soul with frequent trips into nature.

    Broken Bits

    It wasn’t until I fell in love with the world of acting that my bubble of confidence burst and I started to question who I really was.

    I was suddenly thrust into a world where image, judgment, and ego ruled, and my new identify as defined by others came through loud and clear:

    My stomach and thighs could use some work, the gapped teeth I used to cherish no longer fit the bill, and my take on pretty was labeled “small-town,” falling short of Hollywood’s standards.

    I began to believe the lies and little pieces broke inside of me.

    Powerful Words

    Of course it wasn’t all misery, and there were many moments of sheer joy where I seized opportunities to tell great stories and work on projects that fed me creatively.

    I kept at it for several years, riding these highs and lows, until I awoke to the fact that life is not just a ride I’m strapped into, destined to be flung about wherever it takes me.

    Indeed, I had a bigger choice when it came to how I handled the highs and lows and that, even though it would seem I was choosing the life I wanted by pursuing a career as an actress, I wasn’t choosing my most joyful life within the circumstances I had manifested.

    Tuning in, my new mantra flowed through me:

    Choose Love Now.

    I was blown away by the power in these words.

    Choose: Every moment is a choice…

    Love: …to choose either love or fear 

    Now: …and that choice is made in the only real time there is…the present moment (more…)

  • Happiness is the Value of Every Moment

    Happiness is the Value of Every Moment

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

    “What is happiness?” What a completely dense and loaded question this is.

    During my studies in psychology, one of the main principles we learned about writing a manuscript is the importance of defining what you are discussing. If I were to write a paper about happiness, I would then need to operationally define happiness in terms that allowed everyone to understand what I was referring to.

    The problem with this, however, is that we then merely repeat the best definition we come by, thinking we understand the meaning while never truly questioning our own thoughts on the matter; therefore never truly experiencing it.

    I believe this happens in the majority of circumstances, and know that I did this for many years. It is much simpler to just go along with life rather than ask yourself those true and deep questions that will rattle your world.

    My whole life I have been searching for tranquility, to feel at peace within myself, for “happiness.”

    After a traumatic adolescence, I spent my life in fear, seeking control to make up for that which was taken from me. This brought me an abundance of pain and so much confusion.

    But I thought I would no longer be hurt if I could control everything around me. This, for obvious reasons, never worked, and I couldn’t seem to understand why.

    A special person in my life always taught me to question what I’m told. On the subject of happiness, he said that he had never heard a definition that made sense to him, and therefore, didn’t believe happiness existed.

    This was the saddest thing I have ever heard. It inspired me to find a definition that would touch his heart. (more…)

  • Are You Too Busy? 5 Signs of Chronic Stress

    Are You Too Busy? 5 Signs of Chronic Stress

    Busy

    “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

    A few years ago, the focal point of my life was my work. It took up and made up a huge portion of my life. In retrospect, I would even say that work became a sort of obsession. I became so obsessed with being productive that I set aside almost every minute of my waking hours for some work-related activity.

    I even coupled meals with work; toilet breaks meant mentally drafting reports and traffic jams signaled the start of phone meetings. You may look at this picture and think of me as an efficient multi-tasker. I honestly hope I was that, but no. I was nothing but a person trapped inside “too busy” cycle.

    Some people perceive being “too busy” as a sign of success or a flourishing career. Although this can be true, being constantly overworked and overwhelmed has more detrimental than positive effects. Being crazy-busy implies stress, and our body can only take so much pressure before it activates its stress response and runs on “survival or panic mode.”

    Stress can be helpful and motivating to some degree, but substantial evidence shows that chronic exposure to high levels of stress prompts the body to release hormones called glucocorticoids, which can potentially damage several body systems.

    When I learned about the gravity of chronic stress and my overly busy life, I made an effort to change my habits and keep everyday stress to a minimum. There are so many ways to effectively manage stress, but you can do so only after you actually notice and admit that you are indeed too busy and too stressed out.

    I have listed below some of the things that have made me realize that my “busyness” was out of hand.

    1. I was always looking for something.

    Searching for my car keys, phone, wallet, jewelry, eyeglasses, and documents became a part of my daily routine. Things seemed to be misplaced or lost all of the time.

    Cortisol, the hormone released when you are stressed, damages the brain over time and can lead to memory problems. But aside from that, when we are stressed out, our thoughts tend to be all over the place, and this lack of focus and the disorganized thoughts could very well cause us to lose track of things. (more…)

  • When You Feel Angry More Often Than Not

    When You Feel Angry More Often Than Not

    “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

    I spent a lot of time in my life being angry. At one point I hated everything and almost everyone. I had a saying for a while: “God, I hate people.” I hated the people driving in front of me on the way to the store, then in the parking lot of the store, then inside the store.

    I hated my job. I used to love my job. It’s what I chose to do, what I went to school for. But then I started to hate it—the patients, the nurses, everything about it.

    I can’t recall when the precise moment was that it began, this disgust of the world around me. I do know what I was disgusted by: the mindless selfishness of others. I was in total frustration of the way everyone seemed to be wearing blinders to the world around them.

    I was so tired of the judgment and condemnation of others toward those different from them, whether it was race or religion, size, or shape (or that of their bank accounts). The arrogance with which they treated each other, the unfriendly way they regarded each other in public situations, the way I felt I was treated for so many years by people I encountered every day—at my job, within my family, out in public—by unsmiling faces of unhappy people trudging through their miserable lives.

    Misunderstanding can cause a lot of contention.

    I hated the way I was talked down to by other staff at work like I was less significant than them because they didn’t understand what my job title was (Registered Diagnostic Imaging Technologist, or X-Ray Tech), or that I was as educated as they were, or sometimes more so.

    I hated the treatment I received from ungrateful patients who thought they deserved more than I could give. I was called names, screamed at, bled on, vomited on, defecated on, and had the occasional arm reared back in the threat of being hit. This while having to touch, move, and position these people and equipment, all while seeing and smelling the human condition besides.

    Then, I would go home at seven in the morning, get a whopping six hours of sleep, if I was lucky, get up, go about my wifely and motherly duties of house-managing, dinner, and grocery shopping, where I was almost sure to be treated with righteous indignation by a disgruntled cashier who also hated her job (I would sometimes tell them to try my job and then complain), get a shower, relax for maybe an hour or so, and do it all over again, five nights a week. (more…)

  • How to Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal

    How to Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal

    “Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot” ~Hausa Proverb

    In my early, dark days of first acquiring a disability, I didn’t feel I had an awful lot to be thankful for.

    It was like I had spent my whole life getting to the point where I had a thriving holistic therapy practice I loved, an amazing social life with great friends, and my beautiful dog, who I would regularly take into the country for long walks and my adrenaline pumping exercise routine.

    Life was perfect. I had so much to be grateful for, but then it was suddenly snatched away.

    I was left with constant pain, immobility, and three children who I felt I couldn’t care for properly. So what did I have to be grateful for, right?

    Well, I was alive, yes. Some people may say that’s enough, but they are probably either people not dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis or those with a far more positive mindset than I had at that time.

    I thought back to all the advice I had given to my therapy clients over the years on healing emotional pain and moving forward, but even though I knew it worked from the positive feedback I’d received, I couldn’t apply it to myself.

    The problem was that I was very good at talking it, but, as I had always felt good about my life, I had never actually had to put it into practice.

    The previous ten years had been the best I had ever experienced, and I was naturally appreciative of all I had. After my accident, appreciativeness soon turned to hurt, anger, self-pity, and eventually self-loathing.

    I caused myself more pain by resisting the enforced lifestyle change and couldn’t see a purpose in anything. It was at this point I knew I had to make a change.

    I looked at the handout sheets I had previously given to clients (practical tips for living a positive life), and since I love writing, gratitude journaling seemed to be an obvious starting point.

    That night I sat with my journal, intending to start with three things I was grateful for that day. Just three. Piece of cake, right? After an hour, I gently closed the cover on the tear-stained, still blank first page and cried myself to sleep, mentally adding “failure at journaling” to all my other perceived shortcomings. (more…)

  • 5 Amazing Blessings from Being Fired

    5 Amazing Blessings from Being Fired

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    I was fired via email as my plane touched down at LAX.

    I am not the kind of person who gets fired, who gets dismissed, who is asked to leave and is not welcomed back.

    This was not my track record, no. What was happening?

    I had seen the ad on Craigslist, and it looked perfect. An educational theater program for kids was seeking instructors and administrators to help revitalize the company. They needed someone with current experience in the entertainment industry who was an educator and also had the business vision to help them grow.

    Application. Interview. Second interview! This was looking good. The company would soon be expanding into a beautiful, big, new building. They were interested in new ideas. I knew I could bring a lot to the table. 

    They wanted to hire me part time, as a contractor. I was okay with that. I asked if there was any kind of contract or written agreement. In my past experience, contractors had, you know, contracts.

    They said that they didn’t do contracts because they trust the people they hire, but if I wanted one, I could write it up and then we could go from there.

    So I did. I based it off a contract an employer had provided to me in the past and, of course, asked my attorney father if there was anything else I was missing. I made a couple adjustments and fired it off to them. Nothing overly litigious, just making sure we had in writing what our agreement was.

    Days passed. I started to worry. Things had been moving so quickly and so well. Finally, I got an email. Could I come in and talk about the contract?

    So I went in for a third meeting. This time, they had me sit in one of the classrooms. With a faux-paternal furrow in his brow, the owner asked me why I didn’t trust them. Why had I written up such a formal document? 

    Then came the PowerPoint presentation, highlighting each dagger I had thrown at them with my contract, line by line.

    This, ladies and gents, is when I should have picked up my purse, politely exited, and never looked back.  (more…)

  • How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    Ever found yourself working for a bad boss? I was shocked to learn recently that three out of every four people report that their boss is the most stressful part of their job and that it takes most of us up to twenty-two months to free ourselves of them.

    I thought it was just me!

    A few years ago I joined a large accounting firm to help them manage their employees. Though they were nice enough people outside of work, at the office, their professional pride in finding errors and vigorously pointing them out made them the worst bosses I have ever worked for!

    Every day was a battle of constant criticism and negativity. No matter what we achieved, the focus was always on what we needed to do better.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for feedback and improving what I do at work. I also need to, at least occasionally, feel my efforts are appreciated in order to maintain my sense of enthusiasm and confidence.

    After all, we all have a deep psychological need to be respected, valued, and appreciated.

    As month after month of this behavior dragged on, for the first time ever I found myself really struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Their negativity seemed to be eating me up.

    Unwilling to just quit my job, I started researching ways to deal with my whining, moaning, negative bosses to see if I could restore some joy to my job. Luckily, I quickly discovered the field of positive psychology—the science of bringing out the best in people—and the phenomenon of “growth mindsets.”

    Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has found that changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results.

    In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we improve our abilities, or is this as good as we get?

    Reading this now, it probably seems like a no-brainer to you. Surely we’re all capable of change! The reality is, though, many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have and it won’t get much better than this. (more…)

  • How to Keep Your Strengths from Becoming Weaknesses

    How to Keep Your Strengths from Becoming Weaknesses

    “Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    In my youth, I strived to be “nice.” I tolerated a lot from others. I forgave easily and learned to “turn the other cheek.”

    I made myself constantly available to other people and asked nothing in return. I remained loyal even if people mistreated me. I helped friends even when my need for help was greater. When friends started calling me their “angel,” I was proud at first.

    But soon I became resentful of what that implied.

    If my purpose was solely to help them, then who would help me?

    I felt more like a doormat than an angel.

    In my twenties, the proverbial pendulum swung the other way. I became protective of my emotional resources and was rather “prickly” at times.

    The self-absorption that is typical of adolescence hit me a little later, as a reaction to feeling taken advantage of in previous years. I no longer wanted to be a helper because I no longer wanted to feel used.

    This former strength of mine—helping—now felt like a weakness.

    So for a time, I gave up something I truly valued, because I didn’t know how to use that strength without hurting myself.

    But after a while, I began to feel a disconnect. It was still important to me to help people— friends, family, and strangers alike. But how could I do it in a way that wouldn’t lead to my downfall?

    When a character strength becomes a weakness, how do we maintain what is important to us without harmful side effects?

    If we really examine what’s meaningful to us, we often find there are values underlying our character traits that can guide us.

    On the stage of life, values are the play directors and character traits are the performers. You don’t use the same performer for every role, so the director has to use the best performer for each role to drive the point home.  (more…)

  • Dealing with Exhaustion: How to Function Better When You’re Tired

    Dealing with Exhaustion: How to Function Better When You’re Tired

    I’ve written about ways to get better sleep, and yet I am writing this post from a state of exhaustion.

    Despite knowing all the right things to do, sometimes it’s difficult to follow through.

    You can have the most calming, zen bedroom, and still toss and turn because of an ache or something on your mind. You can avoid stimulants and start unwinding early in the evening, and still wake up to the sound of a blaring siren at 2:00 AM.

    Sometimes the best laid plan can fall apart when you can’t seem to remove that pea from under your mattress. It will happen on occasion—hopefully less often than not, but from time to time at best.

    How can you function when it’s just not possible to call in sick and tired to life? How can you make it through the work day with minimal damage to your health, mood, relationships, and job?

    I have a few ideas, but first, in the interest of full disclosure: I have more flexibility than the average person might, since I work from home and make my own schedule. Hopefully these ideas represent a balanced mix for people who have flexibility and people who don’t: (more…)

  • 10 Simple Ways to Enjoy Life’s Journey More

    10 Simple Ways to Enjoy Life’s Journey More

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I wake up. I take a look outside.

    I take a breath in and just appreciate where this dream has taken me.

    I want to be a ninja.

    Yeah, it sounds a little strange.

    Probably even weirder when I tell you I have a Master’s degree in education, am a former teacher, and I’m about to turn thirty.

    You could call it a quarter life crisis, assuming I’ll live to be 120.

    But I prefer to call it my life’s calling.

    It is my childhood dream. So, when I say, “I want to be a ninja,” I’m talking about the ninja from my eight-year-old brain.

    According to my eight-year-old brain a ninja:

    • Moves to a far away land
    • Trains extensively in martial arts
    • Challenges the traditional methods of life and work

    About a year ago I quit my job in America. I moved to Japan (a far away land). I now train full time in martial arts five to six days a week.

    I’m doing everything within my power to turn this into a lifestyle. I write about my experiences in hopes of encouraging others to make the most of their lives.

    It is easy for me to romanticize my life to the outside world, but the reality is that I can get just as caught up in the monotony of day-to-day life as anyone else.

    After being in Japan for a year I can get so caught up with achieving my next goal, the next item on my to do list, that I forget how wonderful life truly is.

    I live in a land with thousands of years of history, culture, and beautiful architecture.

    And with all of this sometimes I can still walk through my day like a zombie. (more…)

  • Coming Home to Our Light by Embracing the Dark

    Coming Home to Our Light by Embracing the Dark

    “Turn you face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.” ~Māori Proverb

    I am looking out of the window of the airplane. We are above the clouds; the evening sun is just setting. There is a glow all around me. I am lost in this moment. I feel like I’ve never been closer to the heavens. I can stay here in these clouds forever. I am at peace.

    I am returning from my first trip to Jamaica.

    I went to this island paradise on what was supposed to be a fun, party trip. Yes I had fun and I partied a lot. But I also discovered my heart and the truth of my soul.

    I have been running for a long time. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was running from the grief and sadness I feel about my mother’s death. I was running from the fact that I was eating ice cream everyday to deal with this loss.

    I was running from feeling pain. I recently ended a “relationship” with someone who was emotionally unavailable to me. I was running from the truth about that situation. I was running from the boredom I feel at work. I hate corporate life. Sleep wasn’t forthcoming. My mind was too busy running from itself.

    I was running from this person who felt trapped all the time. I felt like if I stopped and faced this hurt, pain, frustration, sadness, and disappointment, I would shatter into a million pieces and I wouldn’t know how to put myself back together. I didn’t like who I had become.

    And then I got to Jamaica, and I had space between me and all the crap I was running from. I was so damn tired too. I finally felt like I could stop running. I felt like I could just be, like I could breathe. I felt like I left all the crap that was my life back in Trinidad and I was free.

    Free to just be. This freedom brought clarity. I realized that, in my running, I was running away from the light, and so the shadows had swallowed me up. (more…)

  • 6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering

    6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering

    “The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.” ~Helen Keller

    You’ve probably heard the saying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

    For many years, I didn’t understand how pain and suffering were different from each other. They seemed inextricably wrapped up together, and I took it for granted that one was the inevitable consequence of the other.

    However, as I have grown to understand my own capacity to create happiness, I noticed something interesting about the nature of my suffering.

    As I reflect back on painful episodes in my life, I can recall losing people who were dear to me. I remember abrupt changes in jobs, housing, and other opportunities that I believed were the basis of my happiness.

    In each of those experiences the immediate visceral pain was searing, like a hot knife cutting through my heart. Then afterwards came grief, an emotional response to loss that arose quite naturally.

    But closely on the heels of physical pain and emotional grief comes something else, something that I create in my own mind even though it feels quite real. That something else is “suffering.”

    As a friend of mine once said, this is like putting butter on top of whipped cream. Suffering is the “extra” that our mind adds to an already painful situation.

    It is at this very point, when your mind starts to fiddle with the pain and grief, that you have the possibility of doing things differently.

    If you’re in the midst of great pain right now, it might help to know that the old saying really is true: While the pain can’t be avoided—it’s the price of being a human with a heart—there are ways we can reduce this kind of self-generated suffering. (more…)

  • How To Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

    How To Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

    Sad Woman

    “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero

    At one point or another, we all question whether or not we are doing enough, making enough money, or if we are going to be “successful” enough. I know this firsthand, as I’ve spent long periods of my young adult life in a persistent state of fear and self-doubt.

    When I graduated from college, I worked sixty, seventy, even eighty hours a week in a corporate setting climbing the proverbial ladder. In my mind, I thought that was success, even though it wasn’t what I truly wanted for myself.

    I held onto dead-end jobs, toxic relationships, and draining friendships because I thought that if I left them, I’d be a quitter.

    I doubted myself to the point that I was making my decisions based on what others wanted of me, not what I wanted for myself. I was constantly struggling with confidence and always second-guessing myself.

    What I’ve learned from my experiences is that if I don’t nip the self-limiting thoughts in the bud right away, this “woe is me” mindset can become debilitating.

    I’ve discovered a few things that help with self-doubt and boost my confidence that may help you too:

    1. Stop comparing your accomplishments to your friends’ and colleagues’ accomplishments.

    I find that I doubt myself the most when I’m comparing what I’m doing with what other people are doing. When I compare my accomplishments to a colleague’s, I start feeling inadequate. Your colleague’s accomplishments are not a litmus test to grade your own success.

    One key thing to remember when you find yourself in this mental pattern is that everyone is on his or her own journey.

    I find that I am most successful in my personal and professional life when I am following what works for me and what makes me feel good, even if it is different from what someone I look up to is doing. (more…)

  • You Will Not Be The Same Person When You Achieve Your Goal

    You Will Not Be The Same Person When You Achieve Your Goal

    “The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

    When you set goals, you naturally focus on the result. If you pay attention to the desired achievement, you will discover the path to get there. However, the value you gain from achieving the goal isn’t just about the reward of accomplishment.

    Once you achieve a significant goal, you will not be the same person you were when you set out on the journey. The process of achieving your goal and the experience you have gained will have changed you. This is why the journey is the reward.

    If you set the goal of losing forty pounds and you get there, you will have gained more than the results of looking good and having spiked interest from the opposite sex.

    In order to lose the weight, you needed to lead a very disciplined and focused lifestyle. You needed to take charge of your diet and ensure you did not lapse into old eating habits. You needed to work out regularly and efficiently, and actually make serious gains in the gym.

    A great body is not just a thing you have; it is a lifestyle you lead. Adopting that lifestyle is the key benefit.

    How many people actually make the necessary sacrifices and do the hard work required to lose serious weight? Not nearly as many as the number who set the goal. Taking those steps changes both the mind and body.

    The reward is not just the tangible change in your body. It is the journey that has given you improved discipline and willpower.

    Exactly the same applies to the goal of quitting your job and running your own business. Everyone dreams about it, but very few people do it. Those who are successful have not just won the prize of being their own boss and earning a better income.

    The long hours they have worked, the risks they have taken with their time and money, the fear and uncertainty of whether it was going to work—these things changed them.

    It took me four years of working on my online business part-time before it earned me enough money to kiss the desk goodbye. The money is not the prize; it is the time and freedom I now have. But if those things had just fallen into my lap without any effort or sacrifice on my behalf, I would not be able to appreciate them in the same way.

    I would still have been the same person I used to be. (more…)

  • How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear

    How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear

    “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” ~André Gide

    A few months ago, I received a gift from my brother while on a vacation in the United States. He was giving each one of us a small token of stone with words carved on them. Mine was etched “courage.”

    The stone reminded me of my struggles on self-esteem—in the past and the present. I pull strength from my courage to face the challenges of each day.

    Getting to where I am now was not an easy task.

    The Cycle of Social Fear

    The earliest memories of my childhood had to do with being in one corner of the classroom watching all the other kids playing while I stood watching. It was not because my teacher punished me, but because I was too shy to talk or play with anyone.

    I would sit all day long if there was no instruction to do otherwise.

    I do not remember exactly what was going on in my mind. I think there was this part of me that just wanted to be me—not do anything and accept myself being shy—and there was my other self that wanted to be like any other kid enjoying playing with others.

    I wanted to interact but I did not manage to do so because I was caught in the vicious cycle of social fear:

    I am shy —> I want to play with them —> If I play with them, I’m afraid of what they will say about me —> I don’t want to be rejected —>  I will not join them because…—> I am shy.

    Thanks to the support of my family and friends who went out of their way to help, I have changed in spite of myself. But this did not happen without constant battle between the shy me and the real me.

    Decide to Step out of the Cycle

    The only way you can get out of the rut of fear is to make a conscious decision to step out of it. It is not easy to do this if you have grown into the habit of fear. In order to make this work, you have to find what your heart really wants and teach your heart and mind to accept this.

    Reflect on this question: What is it that I fear and would like to overcome?

    Your fears can be a general “shyness” or specifically not being able to talk, or point out something in a meeting, or not being assertive enough.

    Now ask yourself: Why do I want to overcome this? (more…)

  • Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves

    Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves

    “Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

    Several months ago, I sat in a large workshop audience being led by Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research.

    She directed us to divide up into pairs for a self-compassion exercise. I turned to the young woman next to me. We introduced ourselves and returned our attention to Kristin.

    Following her instructions, my partner closed her eyes while I sat looking at her. Kristin led those of us with open eyes through a loving-kindness meditation that was directed at our partners.

    Although I did not know this young woman, I could feel my heart open wide to her as compassion arose within me. I felt warm and loving toward her.

    Then it was my turn to sit with closed eyes. As Kristin repeated the meditation and I felt my partner’s loving gaze on me, I started to hear a voice.

    Not a psychotic one, mind you, but that familiar voice that so often takes up my internal space. It had started chatting quietly but zoomed to full volume within seconds.

    “You don’t deserve compassion! You don’t make enough money! You snap at Andrea all the time! You just need to get yourself under control!”

    Sigh. So much for self-compassion.

    But that was the point.

    After the exercise, Dr. Neff asked, “How many of you found it harder to feel compassion toward yourself than the stranger sitting next to you?”

    Just about everyone in that huge group—including me—raised their hands. (more…)

  • Small Acts of Love and Compassion Can Change the World

    Small Acts of Love and Compassion Can Change the World

    “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” ~Deepak Chopra

    We live in an eternally pregnant present, full of possibilities for a bright future. I believe it has always been that way throughout the history of the world. That’s just how the universe works. Unfortunately, we haven’t always experienced our lives the way the universe intended, especially right now.

    Humanity seems to be forever in a time of chaos, marked by violence against one another, and most of us do not know how we got that way or when it will end.

    I admit that sometimes I long for the good old days of the status quo, when I could navigate daily ugliness with a shrug and sit through dicey evening news with a steadfast, glassy stare. It was easy to ignore my feelings and stay mired in dark indifference. I just turned off my heart to survive it all. It was safer that way.

    But it is also very clear to me that the days of dark indifference are over. I think you might feel it too. Yes, life is filled with the same old problems and yes, life is fast. But we now move too quickly to rely on the same old solutions. Our survival tools are obsolete because humanity has upgraded. We are becoming more balanced. We are becoming our better selves.

    Six years ago, when my small family moved to Denver for my husband’s job, I fought it tooth and nail. I hated the harsh, dry climate that made my nose bleed and the 1100-mile distance that kept me from the rest of my family and friends. The culture shock and the intense high altitude sun forced me to retreat, literally, to the inside of my house and the inside of my soul for comfort.

    That was the beginning of creating my own better self. I read, meditated, and read some more. And I finally started to learn to balance my head and my heart.

    My effort started an inward journey that continues still, even though my days in Denver are long gone from my personal map. But the experience of relying on my heart to inform my thoughts forced me to evolve.

    I suspect the entire world is evolving, one person at a time. We are reaching a critical mass, a beautiful tipping point for humanity. We are leaving behind the outdated Handbook of Life, with all its heavy-handed solution of war, judgment, and oppression, and writing a new one from our hearts. (more…)

  • Healing Depression by Taking Care of Your Mind, Body, and Spirit

    Healing Depression by Taking Care of Your Mind, Body, and Spirit

    “Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.”~Unknown

    Prior to my twenty-second birthday I was spiraling down a self-destructive path, partying at all hours of the morning and drinking excessively to numb my pain. I was a rebel with a cause, as the lure of the nightlife kept me away from my dysfunctional home.

    I was searching for love and happiness in all of the wrong places, but the universe stopped me dead in my tracks, both literally and figuratively, when my brother committed suicide.

    Devastated by the loss of his presence in my life and the close bond we once shared, I felt utterly alone. I couldn’t fathom my life without my beloved brother. His death was not something I anticipated.

    I needed answers and some sort of explanation as to how a happy-go-lucky young man had changed into a moody and depressive person.

    In my grief-stricken state, I went to the public library and retrieved books on suicide and mental illness. I needed to categorize his disease. Was it bipolar, schizophrenia?

    Coincidently, I had a medical appointment with a general practitioner. I was a new patient and had never met this doctor before. But I immediately felt at ease with him, and though I went in for a physical reason, I left his office with a plan for self-healing.

    After a few sessions with the doctor, I learned about depression, dysfunction, abuse, and addiction. Initially I didn’t know what those terms had to do with me and my brother’s death.

    I was completely overwhelmed, and as I excavated my past, I plummeted even deeper in my darkness. I remained stuck in stage four of the grieving process—depression.

    My pain was so unbearable I even contemplated my own death. When the doctor offered antidepressants, I declined.

    I chose talk therapy as opposed to antidepressants, not because of any stigma, but because I envisioned myself in a vegetated state for the rest of my life.

    I already had family members in this predicament and I vowed that it was not going to me. So I was quite aware that I was genetically predisposed to manic or bipolar depression.

    After one year of dealing with my issues, I abandoned my own treatment. I was caught up in a whirlwind romance with my prince charming. We got married and built a life that my girlfriends dreamed of.

    Yet, I was still unhappy and, after a nine-year relationship, I found myself divorced, picking up the pieces of my life, and headed back to the doctor’s office.

    I was severely depressed and diagnosed with bipolar tendencies. Still, I stubbornly refused antidepressants. (more…)