Tag: Happiness

Empower Others and Make a Positive Difference in Their Day

“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit. We cannot flower and grow without it.” ~Jess lair

One of the more important lessons I learned as a child came from my father.

One day a beggar knocked on our door looking for a giving hand. Though I was a small child, I still remember how he looked. He was old, with an untamed beard and tattered clothes. He had a wretched odor; I imagine he hadn’t showered in months. He was, more likely than not, homeless.

I remember how my father treated him. I remember my father inviting him into our home, seating him in our kitchen, opening the fridge, and feeding him a hearty meal. I don’t remember much more than that, yet my father’s actions that day taught me an important lesson. It was a lesson about how to treat others. It was a lesson about empowerment.

Recently, I have gone on a journey in the world of altruism. I sought out “good people” in order to understand the characteristics that define them. What piqued my interest were not just their acts of kindness, but also an understanding of their inner world.

The inspiring, kind people who I met throughout my journey are incredibly influential teachers. It is worthwhile understanding their insights, the way they approach life, and more specifically the way they treat others. Meeting them has had a profound effect on my life.

One of the lessons I learned through my interaction with them was the importance of empowering others.

Each of our inner circles is growing and encompassing more people: children, significant others, friends, colleagues, and random people we meet and don’t know as intimately. As the circle grows, so too does our influence.

Every nod, every smile, every interaction can completely change the course of someone else’s day. We can either wield that influence in a positive or negative way. The people who I met chose the former.

The following I would like to dedicate to those special people who identify with their fellowmen, and use their influence to empower them. (more…)

February 14, 2013
Why Relationships Fail: 4 Tips to Make Love Last

“Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” ~Dalai Lama

If you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your relationship won’t last. Is finding true love really that hard or is there something else going on?

A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories.

These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them?

When I figured out this wasn’t the right approach to a relationship, I had already been in two failed ones. “Failed” may not be the right word, because I don’t regret them and I’m still friends with both of my exes, but these relationships were based on needs, from both partners.

After the second relationship, I was single for a long time, and that’s when I started working on myself.

When I started to see some changes in myself and in my life, I felt the desire to have a girlfriend again. I mentioned this to my mentor, and he said, “It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”

This was a real eye opener for me.

I realized that this desire was my ego telling me there was something missing in my life and that I needed to find someone else to fill this gap for me. I didn’t have a person in mind yet, but I was already being unfair to her by expecting so much of her. I was demanding love.

Demanding Love Vs. Sharing Love

If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.”

Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship (and life!) will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting. (more…)

February 13, 2013
3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

“I have done my best. That is all the philosophy of living one needs.” ~Lin-yutang

Perfectionism—the word brings to mind images of order and organization, of effectiveness and efficiency. This is what society expects from a “perfectionist,” and this is what is projected as desirable and attainable. There is an aspirational value to being a “perfectionist.”

Many people believe that perfectionistic tendencies motivate people to do their best and achieve their goals.

However, I can vouch for the fact that it actually feels like being caught in a trap. There is a feeling of suffocation and dread at not being able to escape. The joy of living is sucked out leaving one feeling inadequate and incompetent all the time.

I don’t remember how or when I fell into the trap. All I know is that I have suffered the pain of trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, so on and so forth.

And I remember the exact moment when I realized I was trapped.

It was when I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. In India, the tenth grade examinations are considered extremely important. These are the examinations that would decide whether or not I got into a college of my choice.

I always did well academically, and needless to say there were expectations from those around me to perform well in these exams. I had to live up to these expectations—or so I thought.

That thought was enough to drive me into what was unarguably the darkest period of my life. As a teenager I was already dealing with issues of body image, being bullied, and trying to make friends. Added to this mix, my desire to excel academically pushed me over the edge.

I cried myself to sleep. I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to run away from home.

I rebelled against my parents. I magnified even the smallest of my mistakes and obsessed over imagined flaws in my personality. I simply wasn’t good enough.

I was constantly depressed and wouldn’t tell anyone why. This worried my parents, especially my mother. She took me to see a guru she trusted in the hope that maybe he could help me.

The guru, a kind and wise man, just asked me one question. (more…)

February 12, 2013
From Broken Heart to Open Heart: When Breaking Up Is a Good Thing

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony

On March 18^th, 2011, I received an email that forever changed my life.

“You got me—I’m seeing someone else.”

That’s the only line I remember. I had noticed that my boyfriend at the time had been acting “strange” and confronted him on it. He fessed up to me in an email while I was at work. There was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.

I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck. I wasn’t sure what to do next, so I sat there at my desk in my office in a haze for the rest of the afternoon.

I spent the next few days plugging along, assuming that since I had not shed a single tear, everything was just fine. It wasn’t.

Three days later, I walked into my house after an evening of hanging with friends, and all of sudden it hit me: He was gone. I was alone.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. Unfortunately, that would come to be true.

Until that point, I was a “relationship jumper.” I’d move from one relationship to the next with little to no break in between, and had done so for fourteen years and four serious relationships.

Not once during that time had I stopped to think about what I wanted.

My fear of being alone far outweighed any desire to get to know myself, so I continued on from one relationship to the next, wondering with the ending of each one why it had failed.

Of course, I blamed all of them. There couldn’t possibly have been anything wrong with me. I was a good girlfriend—I supported them, was there for them, gave more than they did, kept my mouth shut and tried not to get angry with them, stayed with them even when I knew something didn’t seem right. (more…)

February 11, 2013
7 Realizations to Help You Deal with Feeling Judged

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Are you judgmental? Not many people would be aware if they were, let alone admit to being so, but it’s so easy to form an opinion about a person or situation without knowing all the facts.

What if the conclusions people spring to could really hurt someone? I like to think there are very few people who would actively want to upset others. Has someone passed judgment on you? What can you do if you feel misunderstood?

I want to share with you an unpleasant situation I was in recently, which has had a great impact upon my personal growth.

A few years ago in my thirties, I was in a car accident that caused me some spinal damage and exacerbated a pre-existing pelvic condition, subsequently leaving me initially in a wheelchair.

Currently, I am at a stage where I can now stand unaided and potter around a bit, but I still rely on a wheelchair or crutches for more than short periods of standing or walking.

One evening my partner surprised me with theater tickets. I hadn’t been getting out much—outings now need to be meticulously planned—so I was really excited.

We were lucky enough to be able to park in the disabled bays right outside the venue (I am registered disabled and have a badge). We sat in the car and discussed whether I should take my crutches inside, as I was quite anxious about blocking the aisles. We decided that with his support I would manage the few steps inside without them.

The first upset of the evening was getting out of the car. A man queuing for a space behind wound down his car window and shouted that we should be ashamed of ourselves for parking there. We clearly didn’t “look” disabled, and we literally “made him sick.” Hmmm.

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. I have a hidden disability, and unless I am in a wheelchair or using an aid, I look perfectly “normal” and am (relatively) young.

I tried to concentrate on the show for the first half, but the evening had been ruined for me by then. In the interval I needed the bathroom. The female bathrooms are down two flights of stairs (no elevator), which I couldn’t manage, so I went into the disabled bathroom on the ground floor.

When I came out, there was a queue of old ladies.

The first lady in the queue took one look at me and declared to her friend in a loud voice, “Young people are so lazy nowadays.” She looked at me and said, “There’s nothing wrong with your legs,” and rapped me across my ankles with her walking stick! I went home in tears.

This evening affected me emotionally for weeks. (more…)

February 10, 2013
3 Little Questions to Help You Deal with Life’s Big Changes

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

Change happens.

It’s often unnoticed, or it may simply be a slight nuisance. It’s sometimes uncomfortable, or excruciatingly painful. Once in a while, it’s life-changing. But it’s also transforming.

Sometimes I awake in the morning or I simply look out the window into the woods, and I realize I’m not the person I was the day before, or even a moment ago.

That realization brings me such pleasure, to know that I am becoming a better version of me than I was. The newness, the now-ness, the opportunities to continuously morph into who I want to be is, at moments, mind-blowing. I appreciate this sort of change.

Everything changes. But we forget this, constantly. That’s because it’s sometimes downright scary to think about change.

Sure, we like the good changes—we appreciate the little ones and celebrate the big ones. But the bad ones, none of us likes those, however small they may be or even how much we may wish them away.

We become irritated when a construction zone causes us to take another route to work. We get angry when people don’t do what they said they would do. We are deeply pained when people decide they no longer want us in their lives. We grieve uncontrollably and inconsolably, and understandably so.

When I think about it, I realize I am very attached to specific expectations, certain ways of being, and the people I love most dearly.

This attachment, while often pleasurable and a source of such happiness, also causes me to feel discomfort and pain, to act simply out of habit or from fear, and to worry and grieve.

Some changes are big. (more…)

February 7, 2013
The World Is a Kinder Place When You’re Kind

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

Sometimes I stop to think about how in the world I ended up where I have. I started off with very little, and somehow along the way I have ended up generally happy and on my own two feet.

My adolescence up to my early twenties had its share of dark days. Whether or not we are lucky enough to have a small handful of people that stick by us no matter what, more often than not we can find ourselves feeling incredibly lonely.

For a long time through my rough days, I held a sort of grudge against the rest of the world. I had convinced myself that everyone was only looking out for themselves, and I had lost faith in the idea that people were mostly good.

Where was that feeling of community? Or helping out your neighbors? What about equality and accepting others’ differences?

The world felt large, dark, and lonely. I felt very let down.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that as much as those close to me have influenced my growth and my life, those I consider strangers have made just as strong an impact. By closing out the rest of the world, I was really hindering my growth and happiness. Let me explain.

I had an accident a few years back, and unfortunately, I was far from home and by myself when the incident occurred.

Many strangers witnessed the accident and casually passed by. Two people who could have just as easily done the same, leaving the accident for someone else to take care of, chose to step in and come to my aide.

They had no obligation to help, and in fact, had places to be. Instead, they stopped to help me, waited until the paramedics arrived, helped to contact someone I knew, and confirmed that I would be okay.

I was shocked that people who didn’t even know my name were spending so much time taking precautions to ensure my safety.

My world was jolted—and I kind of liked it. (more…)

February 5, 2013
Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of being ridiculed
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being wrong
- Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
- Fear of being taken advantage of
These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined. (more…)
February 5, 2013
Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

“Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~Shakespeare

Have you ever stopped to question why you do what you do? Or how it looks to other people?

I’ve done this pretty much all through my life. In fact, an outsider might say that I’ve spent more time analyzing my place in the world than experiencing it.

In some ways, this is true, and not uncommon for someone who’s chosen to be a writer.

As a young child I used to silently mouth the words of what I’d just said after every sentence I uttered.

Even as a kid, I felt this need to rethink my thoughts after speaking them, and because I was too young to realize it looked strange, I did this while moving my lips.

I wondered why I’d said what I’d said, and how others might have heard it.

This followed me through life, and later manifested in a desire to not only say the “right” thing, but also to do it.

Never was this more important to me than in my mid-twenties, after I’d spent the majority of my adolescent and young adult life self-destructing and unintentionally hurting others—something that, I feared, confirmed that I was a bad, selfish person (ironically, the same fears that led me to self-destruct).

I wanted so badly to be good. To do good. To look good. I imagined and hoped that this was the key to feeling good.

I didn’t want to be selfish—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be selfless.

I didn’t want to crave so much attention—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be humble.

I didn’t want to be or be seen as manipulative—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to prove that I had good intentions.

In retrospect, I can see that these realizations and conclusions sparked my initial interest in the personal development industry six years back, and they informed how I did what I did. (more…)

February 5, 2013
Stopping Comparisons: Reclaim Reality and Raise Your Self-Esteem

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~Steve Furtick

Have you ever wondered when the turning point was? When did you start questioning yourself and believing you were missing something? When did you stop thinking of yourself as invincible and start noticing what others called “flaws”?

As a teenager and young adult, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

In my early twenties, I entered treatment for my eating disorder, a decision that proved to be life-changing in the most positive of ways.

During my second stint in treatment, I met a young woman who was a year older than me, and the walking embodiment of everything I wanted to be. I felt threatened, intimidated, and highly insecure every time we were in the same room.

She was smart, beautiful, spoke French better than I did, and had a loving boyfriend. I wished that I had her olive skin and shiny dark hair, not to mention her exquisite wardrobe.

However, I also quickly learned how much she and I had in common, including an insurmountable desire to be envied and admired for our accomplishments. Our similarities caused us to repel against each other like the similar poles of a magnet. (more…)

February 3, 2013
5 Reasons to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

“It’s one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

During my freshman year of college, my group of friends would always hang out in my room.

For the most part, I enjoyed playing host.

Then certain things started to bother me. People would constantly be eating my snacks, and I would constantly be cleaning up after them when they left.

Day after day, I would provide my friends with food. They would make a mess eating it while sitting on my bed. And they wouldn’t clean up after themselves.

Perhaps this sounds trivial to you, but over time I found it very annoying.

And after a few months of this, I became resentful toward my friends.

The problem here was that I couldn’t help but “keep score” in my relationships with them.

What do I mean by this?

Every time I gave my friends food, I would mentally record it, and expect to get something of equal value in return.

In my mind, I was giving way more than I was getting.

And then every once in a while when they would come in and offer me some of their food, I felt even worse.

“How can they think that this is enough after all I’ve given them?”

If they thought they were giving me a sizeable gift, then suddenly I felt obligated to pay them back to keep the balance in my favor.

In hindsight, I see how disturbed this way of thinking is. But at the time, it all made sense to me.

Keeping score got me nowhere, other than feeling bad and deteriorating my relationships.

This kind of mindset is toxic. It causes nothing but harm.

Think about your own life and your own relationships. Chances are you are keeping score in some of them.

And I bet it’s having the same effect on you. (more…)

February 3, 2013
Who Do You Think You Are and Is It Limiting You?

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

One of my yoga teachers, Johanna Aldrich, inspired me to inspect what I “thought” I was.

“This is what I am, this is what I am not, this is what I do, this is what I don’t do, this is what I like, that is what I don’t like.” All the stories and behavior patterns gathered in 40+ years that I had created to define myself.

Of course, I had reasons and whys behind all of these things I “thought” I was. I had tried a few of those things and long ago made my decisions but in some cases had never even tried. Some of the reasons were real and some were imagined.

But what are these things really but just stories?

They’re the stories that we tell ourselves over and over again in order to feel comfortable or hide from difficult realities. I avoided many things with my stories so I wouldn’t have to experience failure and disappointment—just wanting to feel loved, good enough, part of something.

It’s interesting to me how the mind wants to have everything figured out. It provides us some sort of comfort. This can also be seen in victims of trauma and violence in a much more heightened way, but all of us have used our stories to try to gain ease of mind.

So I spent 2012 intentionally doing the opposite of what I would normally do. I tried for the first time and also re-tried many things with a beginner’s mind. I: (more…)

January 31, 2013
10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life
“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

I had just started my second year of grad school and I was a month into my internship at an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility.

I loved what I was doing and I was really good at it. With conviction, I had found my passion.

During these documented months of my life, I was also:
- Catching myself being “in my head” and too hard on myself
- Feeling angry with my parents after identifying the residual effects of the parenting I received, and then forgiving my mom for not understanding how to foster my spirit
- Exploring my birth chart, seeing a psychic (or two), and using meditation and Dan Millman’s ideas to find my life purpose
- “Practicing” with men and dissecting the happenings of all my past romantic relationships
- Recognizing self-sabotage and self-deprecating tendencies and making an effort to change my self-talk (what I say and how I converse with myself when alone)
- Beginning to understand that my thoughts affect my behavior, which impacts the circumstances of my life
- Learning how to love myself, faults and all, and how to be my own partner so I know how I want a man to treat me
- Practicing presence—trying to stay in the moment
- Asking myself the hard-to-answer questions that I had previously been skilled at avoiding. Example: Why is my heart closed-off?
- Investigating vulnerability, yet still feeling unable to attempt it in any real way
- Trying to set personal goals
- Starting to have close, meaningful relationships with intelligent, curious, and motivated women for the first time in my life
- Acknowledging guilt I felt about making my life what I want it to be
- Struggling with verbal communication and assertiveness—what I needed to say to people in my life
- Starting to see what love really means—the action, the verb, instead of a noun (more…)
January 30, 2013
Free Yourself From Emotional Debt: Move Beyond Pain from the Past

“He who is brave is free.” ~Seneca

We all know what debt is. Some of us, most of us, still have a few we’re paying off.

Student loans, car payments, mortgages.

But what about the unseen debts, debts that are invisible to the naked eye but instead live within our hearts?

There are many invisible debts we pay—debts that are alive within us from the past: The father who walked out when we were little, whose approval we’re still seeking. The mother who was over critical, so we overwork ourselves to prove that we’re good enough. The time someone humiliated us, and it still stings.

What about these debts?

When will those be paid and filed away?

How do we cleanse ourselves of these, which are less obvious but certainly feel more real?

My emotional debt began when my dad left. I waited 15 years for him to come back, and when he did, he slipped back into my life like he never left.

He taught me to drive, took me to dinner, came to my graduation—all the great things that dads are supposed to do.

Then one day he disappeared again, and all those good feelings, the love we built between us, were gone, and all that was left was pain and devastation.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

Through personal work I began to see the pattern I was living out, a debt I was paying, and I slowly developed tools for bringing myself back into the positive.

I want to share with you these tools that helped me dissolve my invisible debt so I could live a life of happiness and peace. (more…)

January 29, 2013
Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself

“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

For a few years in the late 90s, I had a date with the green-eyed monster every other Monday at 6:00 PM on the dot.

That was when my women artists support group met in my friend Anne’s studio.

For those three hours, like clockwork, the envy monster took over my body, mind, and spirit.

Oh, how I wanted a studio like Anne’s! Wide open space for her to paint, high ceilings, natural light through clerestory windows, a small office for her computer off the main room.

My own “studio” was a tiny bedroom, so small it was a miracle my drafting table even fit inside. Where Anne had spacious shelves and flat files to store her supplies, a sofa for visitors, and still had plenty of space left over to spread out and paint, I barely had space to turn around.

It wasn’t just her studio that I envied, either. Unlike me, Anne seemed to have a happy, functioning marriage. And her house was gorgeous, an old bungalow in pristine condition, with the kinds of details you just don’t find in newer construction: old hardwood floors, a fireplace with hand-made tiles, built-in glass cabinets in the living and dining rooms.

In expensive Silicon Valley, houses like this—even tiny ones—don’t come cheap, and I seethed with envy, wishing I could afford a place like Anne’s.

It takes a two-income family to afford such a home in my town, though, and with my marriage falling apart, I was soon to enter the ranks of the single-income—and a limited income, at that.

Face it, with her well-paying design work, her (also well-paid) husband, her beautiful house, and her to-die-for studio, Anne represented everything I wanted and did not have.

Hence that bi-monthly date with the green-eyed monster.

I should note that I didn’t begrudge Anne all of her riches. I was glad for her. (more…)

January 29, 2013
Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of seeking desperately for the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that would round me out and make me whole.

Instead, I obsessed over whether or not someone could find me loveable and used superficial benchmarks to validate my existence—grades, jobs, cash, and degrees from fancy schools.

But when I was truly honest with myself, I was able to notice where I was crumbling under the pressure of that external flawlessness.

How, in an effort to shellac over my imperfections, I was micromanaging those around me, offering help that had not been asked for, repairing others because I didn’t have the courage to believe I was repairable.

I required my own love and support. I needed my actions to resonate with the deeply hidden spark thriving inside my spirit, which held the space and the light in the hopes that someday I’d come to retrieve it.

Now, I often tell people that the spark inside of them, no matter how dim or deeply hidden, is like Tinker Bell as she is dying in Peter Pan. That, like Tinker Bell, that spark is enlivened and emboldened by the clapping and cheering and belief in its relevance.

That spark represents your inner wisdom, the light that will guide you directly toward a life that is tailor-fit to your specifications.

And yet, there was a time when I doubted its integrity, favoring the words and programs and gospel of experts and gurus, wanting desperately to be fixed, to be whole.

I was certain that if I just read enough or was good enough, that I would be transformed into a person deserving of a beautiful life.

It never occurred to me that I was the one that I was waiting for. (more…)

January 28, 2013
7 Powerful Realizations That Will Help You Suffer Less

“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

Pain was my norm; not physical pain, but emotional pain compounded with mental self-torture. I was an introvert without introspection, painfully shy and unable to make eye contact. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

I was a doormat and didn’t stand up for myself, although I would fight tooth and nail for someone else. It seemed like others often took advantage of my kindness. I took everything personally and cried a lot. Thoughts of suicide lasted for years.

After more than a decade of misery, I decided something had to change and was guided to self-acceptance work.

Gaining self-acceptance was the best thing I’ve ever done. It opened me up to a new perception of myself and to understanding what I did in the past that contributed to my pain.

In understanding myself and the motivations behind my behavior, I was more clearly able to understand other people’s behavior.

What I learned (and wish I knew then):

1. Our behaviors are driven by our needs.

Regarding: My kindness was often taken advantage of. I caved to all manners of peer pressure.

Was it actually kindness? Maybe it was weakness. Or was it people pleasing for the purpose of gaining approval? I came to believe it was the latter.

Everything I did—whether it was in my best interest or not, whether I wanted to do it or not—I did because it provided me with something I believed I needed. (more…)

January 27, 2013
We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

“When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

In the spring of last year, a number of events challenged my sense of self and my sense of direction.

In March I realized my tax liability would be much larger than I’d anticipated, effectively depleting my entire savings account. The next month I had my first major surgery, something that terrified me and further burdened me financially.

Less than a month later, while my boyfriend was on a vacation I had to miss because I was recovering, a burglar broke into my apartment and stole everything of significant financial value that I owned.

One month later my grandmother passed away, surrounded by her closest family members. I’d missed the majority of the last decade of her life, but still, I was there.

Never before in my life had I experienced so much loss in one season. It was an overwhelming, emotionally challenging time.

And then, without really understanding my intentions, I tossed another loss onto the heap: I stopped writing every day for this blog, as I’d done previously for almost three years.

A part of me felt this urge to write about the same things over and over. So many times I started blog posts about how I felt uncertain, scared, lost, and sometimes, empty.

I’d write about my inner conflict over living 3,000 miles away from my family, with my boyfriend who’s from California, and how badly I wanted to move home after my grandmother’s death.

I’d write about how directionless I felt, with no desire to make any of the professional choices other bloggers often make—mentoring, coaching, or leading workshops.

I’d write about how ironic it was that so many people emailed me for advice about their lives, when in that moment in time, I had so little clarity about my own.

And then I’d stop. Three or four paragraphs in, I’d shut my computer, realizing I had no endings for those posts, and considering that maybe that was okay. (more…)

January 24, 2013
Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do

“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We often think of quitting as failure. We commend people for carrying on when times get rough. The heroes in our action movies don’t just give up when things get difficult. When was the last time you saw Steven Seagal walk away from a fight?

As the saying goes, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Society expects us to fight back and battle on.

But sometimes, quitting is most definitely the right thing to do.

Sometimes, it’s the best option. A lot of people assume that it’s the easy thing to do—that only defeatists and good-for-nothin’ drop outs would even consider such a “cop-out.” This is not the case.

I learned this myself when I finally made that looming decision to drop out of college. There it is: “drop out.” Even the words sound negative, as if I’ve fallen away from society, failing to meet my expectations. But I don’t see my decision as a negative thing at all, and it wasn’t the easy thing to do.

I had been at college for a year and two months; I had great friends, and everything was happily laid out for me.

Nothing was too demanding, especially considering I had only nine contact hours a week. People told me where I had to be and when. This must all sound fairly straight-forward and easy going.

Why, then, would I decide to give it all up and leave?

As idyllic as this lifestyle sounds (and probably was), I simply felt no drive to live it. I had no desire to follow these laid out plans, and this was making me extremely unhappy. Going to college was, in hindsight, a bad decision for me.

I rushed into the decision rather than taking a break to find myself in the world. (more…)

January 24, 2013
When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

What Do You Pretend?

Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.

Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it? (more…)

January 23, 2013