Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Getting Back Up After You Fall & Healing from Depression

    Getting Back Up After You Fall & Healing from Depression

    “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

    Growing up I was a thoughtful and happy kid—carefree, easy going, not afraid to make mistakes and take on challenges.

    Just before I turned thirteen, my parents moved our family halfway across the world where we knew no one.

    I adjusted well, made friends, and felt content and successful in my pursuit of whatever I decided was worth pursuing. I was strong and confident. I worked hard, laughed easily and often, and felt as if I had the good life all figured out.

    Then shortly after I turned twenty-five a severe depressive episode hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back, I can see how it came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed under their weight, but at the time I felt annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.

    I spent the next nine months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish.

    The shame was the worst part.

    Despite years of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn’t get myself off the couch for months, when I couldn’t enjoy any activity, and when I couldn’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality—that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.

    Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.

    It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t, but it’s an important exercise, even you only do it in small doses at first.

    There is a light in you that never goes out. (more…)

  • You Are Lovable Whether You Are in a Relationship or Not

    You Are Lovable Whether You Are in a Relationship or Not

    Smiling

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I began this New Year as a single woman, something I had not experienced for the past five.

    Last June my boyfriend of nearly three years dropped this bomb on my world:

    “Carmen, I know you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t give that to you, because I’m gay.”

    The future I’d created for us in my mind disappeared all at once.

    I was sure I was getting an engagement ring last year and we’d be having our wedding sometime around now. As the revelation sank in, a dark cloud formed over my heart as I realized I was back to square one.

    All the things that were so easy and comfortable in this relationship had gone down the drain. I never imagined I’d have to go through another awkward first date or kiss. I was starting over.

    As per usual, it took only a week for me to move back home to North Carolina and meet someone new. I thought, “This is the reason he broke up with you. Here is the one you are supposed to be with.”

    I fell hard and fast, and even though this boy treated me like a mere option, he was my priority. I gave and gave until he dumped me in a text message on Thanksgiving.

    Meanwhile, I was also falling for my best friend, who couldn’t have been less interested in a romantic relationship with me.

    I give all this background information to show you that my heart was pulled in many directions. I gave pieces of myself to different men, and there was hardly anything left of me for me.

    Over the past few months, each time I was rejected, I thought, “You’re unlovable.” However, this could not be further from the truth.

    For the first time in five years, right now, I am completely content being single. (more…)

  • How Mindfulness Can Help You Discover What You Want to Do in Life

    How Mindfulness Can Help You Discover What You Want to Do in Life

    “Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.” ~Rodin

    When I was in college, I knew what to do and everything clicked along.

    But as graduation approached, I got nervous.

    I’d always assumed that some “good job” would turn up when I got out of school. But now it was in my face that I had no idea where I was going.

    I took a career workshop where we figured out our favorite interests and best skills. What the class didn’t provide was any follow-up to help me actually find the dream job.

    I didn’t know how to ask for help in putting these ideas into practice. Or even who to ask.

    I floundered.

    For the next three years I drifted through a series of little jobs. The bills got paid with some money I inherited from my father, but this cushion was getting thin.

    And I still didn’t know how to get a decent job.

    At some point I heard that people were always looking for reliable house cleaners. “I may not be able to do much,” I thought, “but at least I can clean a house.”

    So I started a housecleaning business.

    There were a number of great things about this job. The money was good. The part-time hours were good. I was my own boss. But I hated the work.

    So I decided quite randomly that a career in professional sales was the thing to pursue. Never mind that it held no interest for me. It seemed that I’d be good at it. (more…)

  • 7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” ~Anne Lamott

    I originally planned to write this post a month ago. The topic was interesting, and it was one that I was sure most people could relate to. I mean, who hasn’t wrestled with the issue of perfectionism at some point?

    One after another, notions and examples of perfectionism flowed steadily from my mind onto my notepad. And when I ran those ideas by a few friends, each of them shared their own stories about how the need to be perfect at something had negatively affected their lives.

    Simply put, there was no shortage of material, and this post, I just knew, would be a breeze to write. A slam-dunk. A no brainer.

    Until I sat down at the keyboard. When I tried to weave my thoughts into a coherent post, the flow slowed to a trickle. Then, it just stopped. I was frozen, scattered, and unsure of how or where to begin.

    “You’re such a perfectionist!”

    I had fallen victim, yet again, to my own brand of perfectionism—the kind where I scrutinize every thought/phrase/sentence/punctuation mark circling through my head. The kind where everything has to be perfect, even before it’s typed onto the screen.

    If I was going to write this post, it had to be witty, intelligent, and insightful. But in my attempts to get there, I became frustrated, anxious, and creatively blocked. In my effort to be perfect, I nearly missed my deadline.

    Deep down, I’ve always felt proud to be known as a perfectionist. Working diligently to deliver excellence, being highly organized and detail oriented has served me well. All the while, however, I’ve often felt plagued, rendered semi-paralyzed, rooted in fear—petrified to take that leap for fear of making a mistake, for fear of failure.

    Am I, perhaps, more rigid, obsessive, and controlling than I’ve realized?

    Bottom line: The dividing line between admirably high standards and the painful distress of perfectionism is exceedingly thin. Alas, I’ve officially arrived at paradox junction.

    It’s time to determine when perfectionism pays off and when it becomes the villain, the saboteur.

    So wait: Perfectionism isn’t a good thing? (more…)

  • When You Feel Terrified: Come Out of the Panic Zone

    When You Feel Terrified: Come Out of the Panic Zone

    Meditation

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    Are you as scared as I am?

    I’m terrified.

    I’m not talking horror movie terrified either. This isn’t the kind of scared where you jump, but then realize it’s just your friend who’s surprised you. This isn’t even the kind of scared when you realize you left your iPhone in a public bathroom.

    This is the kind of scared where your gut churns and churns. You feel shaky, hungry, and out of sorts. It’s a visceral, palpable fear.

    Who’s Afraid Of the Big Bad… ?

    You’re probably wondering what it is that I’m so afraid of. Perhaps my house is haunted? It isn’t. Perhaps I have a stalker? No. Zombie apocalypse? Seriously, I wouldn’t be blogging at a time like that.

    I’m scared because I’ve decided to work full time on my own business. It’s a big step to start your own company and even bigger when you decide to do it without a  “back-up job” net.  If you have any doubts, let me assure you it’s mind numbingly scary.

    What if I can’t get clients? What if no one wants to read my blog or my books? What if I fail miserably, pathetically? What if my family and girlfriend abandon me because I have shamed them beyond repair?

    Change is Scary

    A bit too dramatic? Yes, very much so, but whenever we start to transform our lives it’s scary. Risk and vulnerability are essential qualities of transformation.

    Deep and fundamental change requires us to step outside of our comfort zone. The trick is not to step too far out. We need challenge, but we don’t need panic.

    Get In The Zones

    There are 3 zones that can describe most of our experiences.

    1. The Cool Zone. This is where we know the landscape, can predict many outcomes, and function with some sense of ease.

    2. The Change Zone. This is where our edges are being pushed, we might feel slightly uncomfortable, and there’s a bit of pressure, but we can handle it.

    3. The PANIC ZONE! This zone is all like AHHHHHH!! We are freaked out and we tend to react, shut down, or run away. (more…)

  • 4 Ways to Remain Centered Amid All of Life’s Chaos

    4 Ways to Remain Centered Amid All of Life’s Chaos

    Centered woman

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    Right now I’m in a tight squeeze. I’m in the process of making some big changes, and it’s bringing a lot of chaos, uncertainty, insecurities, and fears into my life, as changes will do.

    One of my deepest desires is to be able to look chaos in any form, of any magnitude, square in the eye, and levitate up to the next level of not letting any of the anarchy affect my inner homeostasis. Whatever the drama—work, family, friends, worldly, financial, school, natural disasters—I don’t want any of it to harsh my mellow.

    My desire is for peace or bust, on the inside and all around me.

    When we recognize that life is our mirror, we begin to understand that the outer chaos merely represents our mental state. If we can quiet our inner chaos, our outer chaos will simmer.

    However, too often we get this process backward, and that is why it takes us so long sometimes to tame all of the ruckus: We don’t take the time to first quiet our mental noise.

    I often say that I desire to be the glowing yogi in a mosh pit, untouched and at ease. My biggest fear is someone knocking me off balance and getting trampled.

    So, my fantasy is to be just kind of floating there in the lotus position in the middle of it all, with pushing and shoving going on all around me, yet I am untouched. I remain at ease and guarded by my peaceful light.

    I crave that kind of serenity in my day to day. When situations arise that aren’t going according to my plan, I want to transcend into the glowing yogi in the mosh pit and remain perfectly centered, unfazed by the drama going on all around me.

    Keeping this vibe of peace is hard to do sometimes when we are faced with the challenges of life.

    Winds of change blow through our lives daily, and unpredictable circumstances happen on the regular that are beyond our control. How do we handle it all?

    Personally, my brain rushes to “fix” everything. If something comes up that doesn’t go according to my plan, I spend sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do.

    I will solicit advice from friends, loved ones, colleagues, my dog. I will scour the Internet for any hints and solutions I can find. I do anything other than assimilate myself as the peaceful yogi who doesn’t worry, and again that is approaching the issue backward. (more…)

  • 5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    Forgive

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    I made it my New Year’s resolution to forgive someone for his past actions. Unfortunately, he’s not here to know.

    My dad passed away from cancer last September. There are times I miss him a lot; other times, it’s nice to have peace in my life.

    We never got along. My mother and others told me it was because we were too much alike, but I knew that was not the case.

    That’s just something outsiders say when trying to simplify your relationship.

    Besides being extremely difficult to get along with, my dad had extramarital affairs, which I knew at an early age. I’m very close with my mom, so I took it personally. I was not going to let anyone hurt my best friend.

    My dad denied everything, but that didn’t release these feelings that I had inside me since I was a child.

    In August 2010, my father was diagnosed with head and neck cancer. He was self-sufficient for the first eight to nine months of his sickness, but in June 2011 he had to get a major surgery that left him totally dependent on his family.

    Since my mom worked full time, that left me to care for him. I knew I could put our past behind us during this time, but he couldn’t.

    My father didn’t want my help and got increasingly mad at me throughout that summer. He yelled at me for everything, and he threw glass at me. He treated me like garbage when all I wanted to do was help.

    Before his death, he wrote me a letter. At this time he was very ill with cancer, so the letter didn’t make sense. However, I still believed there were some truths in there. He told me he was disappointed in me, which felt like a dagger in my heart.

    It took me time, but I realized not everyone wants help.

    (more…)

  • You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

    You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

    Let Light In

    “Happiness is really a deep inner satisfaction and approval” ~Francis Wiltshire

    At the start of the year many of us make resolutions about what we want to give up, what we need to let go—from quitting smoking (did that 20+ years ago), to cutting back on alcohol (a work in progress), to cutting back on not-so-healthy foods (also in progress), to letting go of past “demons.”

    There’s a lot to be gained by letting go of past pain, by breaking bad habits. But what if we thought more in terms of what we might welcome into our lives—what we might be open to receiving?

    Even diet companies cash in on this positive psychology. Don’t talk of losing weight, but gaining health; think of eating a delicious salad rather than sacrificing that block of chocolate.

    But how often do we convince ourselves that we must do all the hard work of letting go and giving up before we are worthy to receive?

    I’ve always been better at giving than receiving, so when it comes to letting go and letting in, I’ve focused on what I needed to give up, to let go, the work I needed to do in order to be better.

    I’ve put the pressure on myself to self-heal rather than asking for help. I haven’t always been open to receiving compassion and love, since I wasn’t sure I deserved them.

    And conversely, I’ve given more and more of myself in the hopes I might thus be worthy of receiving, which is not genuine giving anyway.

    I did this especially when I was going through infertility, but I still find myself doing it now—making deals with myself to let go of fear, pain, and jealousy and to give more love, understanding, effort, and then surely I’ll be deserving of what I want.

    The letting go proves you are strong and the giving proves you are good—don’t they? (more…)

  • Recovering from a Difficult Childhood: How to Reclaim Yourself

    Recovering from a Difficult Childhood: How to Reclaim Yourself

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Recently, I had one of those flashes of insight that burn away the illusions I learned as a child in a dysfunctional family and help me see myself in a new light. I saw through an invisible belief that I’ve held for a very long time—the belief that I am not in control of my life.

    Standing in line in the grocery store and twiddling my thumbs, my monkey mind ran through the list of what I could be accomplishing if I didn’t have to wait in line doing nothing. And like a bright gift from above, an idea flew into my mind: If our thoughts create our reality, then I could be creating my next experience of reality right then, while I waited.

    In that moment, I realized that even when I feel like I’m not in control of a situation, by letting go of resistance and choosing to create the next situation with my thoughts, I can be more in command of what happens in my life.

    I grew up with no understanding whatsoever that I could create my life the way I wanted it to be. My father was very rigid in his beliefs and actions, and my mother was very impulsive. Consequently, my world swung back and forth between needing to follow rules and regulations, and suddenly having the rules change mid-stride so that I had no idea what to do next.

    I carried the assurance that life could fall into chaos at any time into adulthood, and though I have consistently moved forward in my life, I have never felt truly in control, because of the way I grew up.  (more…)

  • How Are You Using Your 86,400 Seconds?

    How Are You Using Your 86,400 Seconds?

    “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” ~Theophrastus

    Don’t we all wish we had more time? Time to spend with loved ones. Time to finish solving a problem. Time to eat, pray, love. Time to exercise more. Time to travel to all the continents on the globe.

    Time to finish that project. Time to take that diving course, yoga class, or self-improvement seminar. Time to chat with our grandparents. Time to visit an old friend.

    Time to aid the poor. Time to listen to the news. Time to challenge yourself. Time to meditate. Time to do volunteer work. Time to listen to a friend in need. Time to have dinner with your partner. Time to have dinner with your family.

    Time to be adventurous, time to parachute, time to pray and to play, time to listen within, time to cook wholesome meals, time to do nothing, and time to do everything.

    Time to feel what you really feel. Time to dream and time to be.

    I know I’ve spent a lot of time doing the wrong things and making mistakes. But even so, I’ve learned something from all of it. That in itself means it wasn’t so wrong after all.

    I also spent a lot of time thinking of what little time I had and how I wished I had more. Not so good if all it does is stress you out.

    However, if it compels you to take charge and make a plan for how to reach all those wonderful dreams and goals, then it’s a good thing. I’m getting there, falling and getting up again. “Losing” time along the way.

    I read this analogy about time once. Imagine there is a bank that every morning deposits $86,400 into your account. And every day it happens over and over again. The only catch, according to this idea, is that you cannot save that particular deposit until the next day.

    The $86,400 you get in the morning is gone in the evening. You can’t use any of it in advance and you can’t pile it up.

    What would you do? Would you think carefully about how you’d use it every day? (more…)

  • Changing Direction: It’s Not Too Late to Be Who You Want to Be

    Changing Direction: It’s Not Too Late to Be Who You Want to Be

    “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

    Growing up, people always saw me as the over-achiever and said, “That girl is really going to make something of herself one day.”

    I often felt the pressure of having to live up to these expectations.

    I recently turned 30 and it was a day of reflection for me. I always had this idea that by the time I turned 30, I’d be one of the top celebrities in South Africa, living the life of a talented singer, a self-made millionaire, driving a fancy car, living in a big mansion—the works!

    I realized I was merely living up to an idea I had in my head of what success meant to me.

    Perhaps what I wanted was a tad unrealistic.

    I’ve always been told to dream big and have gone through many ups and downs working toward these goals, but at some point I decided to change my direction.

    I had to grow up and realize that perhaps these things I wanted just weren’t in the cards for me, and that maybe, in realizing my true potential, I first had to be content with that notion.

    When I did this, I realized what I definitely wanted in my life, and it couldn’t have happened at a more perfect time.

    I have my day job (of course); I work in the web industry as a developer and I love it. I enjoy the people I work with and I’m excited to come to work every day.

    It’s just that lately, I’ve started thinking about where my life is headed and how I want contribute to this world and do my part to make it a better place. (more…)

  • 3 Simple Steps To Stop Worry In Its Tracks

    3 Simple Steps To Stop Worry In Its Tracks

    Sitting

    “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow.  It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the worrywart extraordinaire.

    Worry: verb: To give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.

    Fret, be anxious, brood, stress, panic.

    If worry came with a degree, mine would be a PhD.

    As a child I worried about my schoolwork. I worried if other kids would laugh, or not, as the case may be. I worried if I’d pass the test, miss the bus, make the team, or fall on my face.

    As I grew, so did my worries. Not only did I worry about myself, I also worried about my friends and family. I even worried about complete strangers.

    My worry became paralyzing.

    As soon as I decided on a course of action, my worry went to the other extreme. I’d worry that I’d be late to an interview, and when I arrived in plenty of time I worried that I was too early. And when my family and friends began to bring it to my attention, I worried about how much time I spent worrying!

    It seemed that nothing was right, that there was no way to stop this endless cycle.

    Then one day, as I sat in a little cafe (worrying if I had ordered the right thing), I over heard a snippet of conversation from the next table over.

    Two older women were seated there, one obviously of the nervous nature, conservatively dressed, worrying about doing everything right. The other, flamboyantly dressed, seemed as comfortable as if she sat in her own living room. By the ease with which they talked, it was obvious they had been friends for a long time.

    “You’re such a worrywart,” flamboyant said. “I’m surprised that you don’t worry about where your next breath of oxygen will come from!”  (more…)

  • How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    My partner, Ruth, and I were not happy.

    The inside of her mouth was covered in sores, she couldn’t swallow well, and she was exhausted. The chemotherapy was ravaging her body. Something had to be done.

    When her oncologist, Dr. Patel, came into the room, he perched on his little rolling stool and looked up at her Ruth where she sat on the exam table with her legs dangling.

    She railed against the chemotherapy and what it was doing to her. I seconded her sentiments silently with frequent nods and frowns.

    After some time, Ruth finished her diatribe and crossed her arms, daring Dr. Patel to fix this invasion into the very lifeline of her system.

    His expression had never changed during her speech. He looked at her intently, listening carefully, but his eyes were soft with care and concern. Now those eyes looked deeply into hers.

    “Ruth, don’t resist. Don’t resist the chemotherapy. Allow each drop to enter your body in a healing way and do its work. Resistance does not help you; it only saps your energy. In your treatment, in your work, in all places in your life—don’t resist. Go with whatever comes rather than struggling against it.”

    Ruth and I looked at each other and then back at Dr. Patel.

    Don’t resist? (more…)

  • Feeling Lost and How It Can Help You Find Yourself

    Feeling Lost and How It Can Help You Find Yourself

    Lost

    “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Another day, another class missed, another alarm turned off. No motivation but to turn the pillow over to its colder side and lay there half asleep, unanswered questions gliding in and out of my mind.

    This was how most of my mornings went in my last days of college. I had never been too motivated by the promise of college, even in high school, but it had always been set in my head that a college degree was my goal, my path to that elusive happiness we all crave.

    It was my belief, and perhaps my parents’ as well, that I would head off to have the proverbial college experience and in the process I would become a lawyer or some sort of government official. That I would just wake up one day and say, “Aha! I know what I want to do for the rest of my life!” But that morning epiphany never came.

    All that happened was a continuous cycle of partying, all night study sessions, followed by a complete and utter lack of fulfillment. So I dropped out. I moved back home with no degree, disappointed parents, and a deep sense of failure and confusion.

    It was one of the most trying times in my life simply because I realized that my life had been on autopilot.

    Everything about my future was ambiguously assumed. I would get into debt by going to college, then I would be forced to get a job to pay off that debt, while still getting into more and more debt by buying a house and a car. It seemed like a never-ending cycle that had no place for the possibility of a dream.

    I wanted more—but not necessarily in the material sense of personal wealth and success. I wanted more out of life. I wanted a passion, a conceptual dream that wouldn’t let me sleep out of pure excitement. I wanted to spring out of bed in the morning, rain or shine, and have that zest for life that seemed so intrinsic in early childhood. (more…)

  • 4 Lessons on Embracing a Major Life Change

    4 Lessons on Embracing a Major Life Change

    In a Field

    “If you’re not terrified of the next step, you eyes are still closed. A caged bird in a boundless sky.” ~Jed McKenna

    It was day two of living at the Zen Center. Sitting on the side of the dirt path, I had my head buried in my knees.

    “I can’t do this babe,” I cried to my husband.

    Just 12 days prior to this, I was a corporate banker and real estate agent in Phoenix. Now, I was a full-time Zen student deep in the mountains of Carmel Valley, working in the dining room and serving summer resort guests.

    “I’ve never even waitressed before. I sat in front of a computer the past decade doing seemingly important work. And now—now, I’m scraping food into a compost bin?” I sniffled.

    An hour before then, I’d held back tears the entire time as the dining room crew head was showing me how to set up a tea table and fill tea caddies.

    Before coming to Carmel Valley, we’d rented out our comfortable, suburbia five-bedroom, three-bath home. Now, we were living in a 10 x 8 rustic Japanese cabin at the base of a canyon, completely offline from the digital world.

    I was sharing a bathroom with 10 other women.

    “I’m not a nature girl either. I can’t sleep alongside spiders. Each time I close my eyes, I see a creepy crawler,” I continued to vent, in between an endless stream of tears, gasping for air to get all the words out. “I grew up in suburbia with pest control.”

    This life was a radical change. It felt like I’d decided to go cliff jumping—and there was no net.

    My conscious decision to leave all the worldly ambitions behind and take this sabbatical year came from my deep belief in taking a pause. Iknew on so many levels that I needed to be there. (more…)

  • 7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    Smiling Woman Outside

    “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” ~Margaret B Runbeck

    It had been months since I’d gotten a good night’s sleep.

    I’d wake up gasping from bad dreams throughout the night, and I’d feel an immediate knot in my stomach as soon as it was time to get up and face the day.

    When the morning beckoned, all I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

    But even when hiding from the physical world, my thoughts could still find me, belaboring on in an incessant stream of “have-tos” and “should-bes.”

    I’d wake up feeling guilty about all the things I hadn’t done the day before, and overwhelmed by the mounting goals that still loomed before me.

    I’d roll out of bed and go straight to the computer, with a frazzled and weary mind, to start attempting to do all the work that all those thoughts kept reminding me about.

    My work was stressing me out to the point where I felt depressed, always anxious, and completely unhappy with where I was in my life.

    If you looked at it all on paper, you might have thought I was living a pretty awesome life: married to my best friend, living in a town I adore in a great little house that we own, successfully self-employed for more than five years, with the freedom to decide how I want to spend my time each day.

    Problem was, I wasn’t present enough to truly enjoy any of it. Instead, I was stuck in my head, wrapped up in a big ball of expectation.

    Caught in a spiral of all the things I had to do so I could be who I should have been, I forgot about the things I wanted to do so I can be who I am.

    I felt jealous of where others were in comparison, weighed down by self-doubt that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish all the things I wanted, and so scrambled, with my energy dispersed into too many things at once.

    Then, I went and saw Ms. Renee, an empath who could see right through me.

    She could see the anxiety, overwhelm, and self-imposed burdens that I had created. She reminded me that I needed to take care of myself in order to have the energy to do this work, and that all I had to do to get out of my head was to get into my body.

    I came home with a whole new attitude and belief in myself, and got dedicated to making some real shifts in my life.

    I made it a priority to meditate regularly, exercise, and get my veggies. I changed course with my business to escape the stressful elements and get closer to what my heart really wanted all along. (more…)

  • How to Start Feeling at Peace with the Way You Look

    How to Start Feeling at Peace with the Way You Look

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~Steve Furtick

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with the way I look. Back when I was at school, I stood out, being one of the only Asian students in a small English village. This heightened my awareness of how different I looked in relation to my peers and started my obsession of comparing myself with others.

    It is often stated that adolescence can be a painful period in everyone’s life, and mine was no exception. By the age of thirteen, I suddenly sprouted into a gangly, long-limbed teenager with greasy hair.

    I retreated into my world of loud and angry rock music, pretending not to care about anything but secretly in a spiral of self-hatred and loneliness.

    I’d always assumed I’d naturally grow out of feeling down about my looks, but I have now come to realize that insecurity about one’s appearance should not be underestimated and simply shrugged away as an “adolescent phase.”

    By seventeen my self-hatred had intensified, and I began working in a part-time job to start saving for plastic surgery—the only thing I decided would make me happy about my appearance.

    I became scarily obsessed with how I looked, excusing myself every half hour at work to check my face, and I have countless memories of crying in desperation at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

    I realize now that all of this clearly foreshadowed an eventual breakdown of some sort, but I was still shocked when it happened. After my first month of college, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and left.

    It seemed as though everything was suddenly changing for the worse. Amid all this chaos, my insecurities and anxieties became so overwhelming, I felt unworthy of looking after myself. I ended up suffering from insomnia and lost over fourteen pounds within a month.

    I now see that a shock to the system was needed to make me open my eyes to what I was doing to myself.

    I had hated myself for so long but had repressed my feelings, sure that with time I would suddenly “get better” without actually addressing the real problem.  

    I could blame the media and the narrow perception of beauty it promotes. I could blame all the people that ever made hurtful or thoughtless remarks, in most cases unaware of the anguish they would cause me. But I won’t.

    It all starts with feeling good about who you are. Because I so clearly didn’t, I became a magnet for criticism and negativity from others and allowed it to affect me to my detriment. (more…)

  • How to Find Happiness Through Gratitude When Life Gets Hard

    How to Find Happiness Through Gratitude When Life Gets Hard

    “In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

    In the summer of 1993, my father was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor.

    He was only fifty-eight. Still just a kid.

    This was a devastating development, to say the least. Things had already been challenging for my family for several years before this blow.

    Dad had lost his corporate banking job in Boston—quite unjustly, in our view—kicking off a nearly three-year-long bout of unemployment.

    This was not an easy time for our family, but we pulled together in the ways we were able and never gave up hope.

    No matter how tough things became (moving three times in three years, for instance), I was always exceedingly grateful that my parents were who they were: devoted to each other and their three kids (I am the eldest), honest, loyal, sensible, and smart.

    I was also grateful that they were crazy supportive of our dreams, no matter how big they happen to be.

    In 1987, I moved to New York at age eighteen to start my modeling career with a major agency. This was in lieu of college, I might add.

    “Aren’t your parents worried?” my friends would ask, slightly marveling.

    “No, they know how important this is to me,” I responded.

    I’m sure they were concerned, but they never let it show.

    In addition, they were willing to go to the mat for us, for our educations, our comfort, and domestic stability.

    There may have been cracks in the castle walls at times, but never its foundation. (more…)

  • You’ll Always Have This Day, No Matter Where It Leads

    You’ll Always Have This Day, No Matter Where It Leads

    Walking

    “If you surrender completely to the moment as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    Last week on Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend Ehren and I had a meeting we’d both spent months working toward.

    After writing and rewriting a romantic comedy screenplay for over a year, and consulting with a screenwriter friend to improve it, we’d finally secured a meeting with an agent—her agent. At one of the largest agencies in Hollywood. Presumably to represent us.

    We couldn’t have been more thrilled to know our project might have a real future, and the timing of it, on Valentine’s Day, seemed serendipitous and made it even more exciting.

    The opportunity felt even more gratifying because we’d both been in need of some good news since Ehren’s brother’s sudden passing in December.

    We’d just moved out of our Los Angeles apartment with plans to spend time with his parents in the Bay Area and work on various creative projects together. Yet there were, mere days after our move, heading back to the home we’d just left.

    Though we’d lived in LA for over two years, the city looked different through the lens of magnified possibility.

    We spent the whole drive discussing our next screenplay and planning what we’d say in the meeting. I spent each moment of silence fantasizing about casting, filming, and premieres—a whole new life on the other side of this day.

    We ate at a classic Hollywood deli and ran into one of my favorite comedic actresses. One day we’d write a role for her, I thought.

    We then walked around the neighborhood for a good thirty minutes before arriving early but not too early for what seemed like the most important meeting of our creative partnership.

    I jittered and rambled while sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to be sure that when we walked in, I said enough but not too much, and generally put my best foot forward for the best possible outcome.

    So much had led to this one moment, and I felt that our whole future was wrapped up in it. (more…)

  • 4 Tools to Reframe Stress to Feel Less Overwhelmed

    4 Tools to Reframe Stress to Feel Less Overwhelmed

    At Peace

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    Stress, strain, tension, worry, overwhelm, nerves, feeling wound up, freaking out. Whatever we call it, the effects are universal.

    Our adrenals rev up, uneasy thoughts cycle on the brain’s hamster wheel, butterflies flitter in the stomach, our moods swing. There are many different ways that stress manifests, and none of them are particularly enjoyable.

    Stress is basically an emotion. It’s the way we feel when things aren’t going our way. “Things” can be as insignificant as feeling annoyed because we woke up two minutes before our alarm goes off; they can also be of the off the chart “I’m getting a divorce/changing jobs/applying to grad school/moving” variety.

    Question: Why do we attach importance to certain experiences (and therefore feel stress in regards to them) and not to others?

    Certainly there are the categories of events almost everyone would agree feel stressful: dealing with illness, starting a new job, or getting held up in traffic on the way to an important appointment.

    However, most of us have had the experience of feeling stressed about something we rationally know is not that important, is not the end of the world, yet, there we are, experiencing those telltale signs that let us know we are tense.

    What about the fact that one of us could feel excessive stress because we cannot get the particular brand of insert-favorite-food we want at the supermarket? Or that another one of us may feel a lot of tension because we have to wait in line at the bank?

    Others of us may not find these events stressful in any way. However, we all have our own triggers.

    What does this imply?

    It implies we have more power over “stress” then we may realize. (more…)