Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • 5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    Thinking

    “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi

    When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.

    I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?

    I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.

    I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.

    As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.

    Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?

    After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).

    That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.

    After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.

    I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.

    Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?

    The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.

    I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.

    Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.

    I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.

    I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”

    If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.

    1. Is it really as bad as it appears to be?

    Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?

    If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!

    2. Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself?

    Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

    Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.

    3. Whose expectations are you fighting with—yours or someone else’s?

    I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.

    As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.

    Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.

    That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.

    4. What can you learn from the situation?

    Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?

    The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.

    5. Is there anything you could do today to move you closer to your ideal life?

    Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.

    If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.

    There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.

    Photo by mrhayata

  • Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us

    Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us

    Inner Light

    “Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

    There have been more shocking and devastating world events in recent memory than I can keep up with. Hurricane Sandy. Sandy Hook Shooting. Shooting at Portland Mall. Australian wildfires. Club Fire in Brazil. Hurricane Nemo. Earthquake in China. Bangladesh Factory Collapse. Boston Bombing. Texas Plant Explosion. Floods in Midwest. Tornadoes in Oklahoma.

    So much loss. Devastation. Pain. Piled one on top of the other with little time to regain our footing in between.

    I can hear that fearful place inside me questioning, “Is this how it’s going to happen? Is this the beginning of the end? Is nature finally gonna take us out for what we’ve done, or are we just gonna take each other out?”

    And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down. 

    I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it.

    And I can hear that fearful place inside me wondering, “Why? Why there? Why those people? Why kids? What’s going to happen? Should I be scared? Prepared? Worrying? Ramshackling together a bunker in my garage? What am I supposed to do?”

    So I do all I can do. Clutching my loved ones a little tighter to my chest, I keep going.

    My fear usually continues until the day after comes. Until we know it’s over. And then the fear and anxiety releases in a flood of relief as love comes in to fill its place.

    On the day after, there is hope. Incredible tales of resilience, courage, and survival. Amazing stories of heroism, selflessness, and grace.

    Suddenly, we feel spared, lucky. Yes, look at all we’ve lost, but look at all there is left to be grateful for.

    Suddenly, we are reminded that life is only about the people around us and that it’s all, and always, about love.

    Neighbors, strangers, communities coming together. Nations rapt in attention, holding their breath. In those moments, we experience our oneness. In those moments, we shift from a modality of competition into one of cooperation. In those moments, we can actually feel the truth that we’re all in this together. It’s palpable. 

    Could that be why these horrific events keep happening? Their rate seeming to steadily increase since 2013 dawned and we were ushered into a new era.

    It seems we need a collective shift in consciousness; our entire energy needs to be raised.

    And unfortunately, it often takes shock to knock us out of our hypnotic day-to-day enough that we wake up, rise up, and come together. It takes a shock for us to start questioning why we’re here and what it’s all about.

    It feels like the something greater out there has two gigantic defibrillator paddles on the Earth’s heart and is trying to shock us back to life. Clear. Hurricane! Shooting! Tornado! Bombing! Come on. Wake up. Come back to us.

    And in those moments when we do wake up and act out of courage, act out of conviction, act out of love, we feel it: lucky just to be alive. Grateful for this moment, this one, right here. We can’t believe how blessed we must be to be alive right now, having this experience.

    We feel connected. On purpose. Like we’re here for a reason. Like it all matters. And that’s how we’re meant to feel everyday. Not just through trauma and pain, but in our good ole, average ordinary.

    Miracles are not extraordinary events; they are happening all around us, all the time. It just often takes extraordinary events for us to see them and realize they’ve been here all the while.

    I think that if we can take one message from the sadness that’s surrounded our world lately, one possible why, is that only by witnessing the dark can we know what the light is.

    That light exists within all of us, and once we know where the switch is, we can turn it on every single day—not just in our darkest moments.

    It is wholly within our power and responsibility to feel lucky, and grateful, and amazed just to be alive. Just to be a part of it all.

    It’s wholly within our power and responsibility to shine our individual lights as brightly as possible so that when we come together, the darkness will have no fighting chance. We’ll obliterate it.

    From my perspective, our response to all these inner-light-switching events as of late just confirm to me, more now than ever, that our future looks positively bright.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways to Find Joy Again

    After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways to Find Joy Again

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

    My brother died suddenly, at just thirty-nine years old. One moment he was in the midst of a regular working day. Half an hour later he was gone. Twenty-four hours later he was buried.

    With things happening so fast, I found myself alternating between paralysis and intense waves of pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, and devastation. I guess we all felt this way. Only it didn’t quite look like we all did/

    In between waves of sadness and silence, my brother’s children were playing and having fun and enjoying an ice cream as if nothing had happened.

    It wasn’t just because they didn’t quite understand what was going on. I mean, none of us could really understand this. If you’ve ever experienced a tragedy (and who hasn’t?), you know exactly what I mean.

    Rather, the children were merely being themselves. They were simply going with the constantly changing flow of their emotions and expressing it spontaneously. That’s what children do.

    And so they expressed the wonder of being alive as wholeheartedly and as immediately as they expressed the pain of missing their beloved father.

    We, the adults, were only able to feel and express the latter.

    Does it mean that we are made of different stuff than children, then?

    Not really. It’s just that most adults have great difficulties dealing with certain emotions and situations, and the name of the problem is “judgment.”

    Back then, while watching the children play I found myself kind of baffled. I didn’t really judge them. And yet, there was judgment there. Because, in the face of such loss, joy feels inappropriate.

    I’m sure you know what I mean. Whether we’re confronted by personal tragedy, an act of terror, a natural disaster, or genocide, joy just doesn’t seem to be the right response.

    Even if there might be glimpses of it here and there, we fear that expressing joy might be mocking the tragedy. But that’s not necessarily true.

    In fact, countless people (including myself) have experienced deep joy right in the middle of tragedy, and not just in glimpses.

    Don’t get this wrong. You’re not joyful because of the tragedy. You are joyful because you are “heart-broken open,” as Kristine Carlson calls it.

    In this sudden state of openness there is a sense of deep love and a degree of emotional nakedness that we don’t usually expose to each other. Being in such a space together, being so present, so connected with each other, so united across all differences, is indeed joyful, in a mellow sort of way.

    And yet, many who experience such joy keep it secret, simply because it feels wrong somehow, even if nothing could be more right.

    Remember, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” And discovering who you are includes discovering that you are all your emotions, not just some of them.

    So let’s replace the idea that joy is inappropriate with something that is closer to truth!

    3 Reasons to Bring Joy Back into Your Life

    Reason #1: Joy is your nature.

    Joy flows from the same source as love and peace; it flows from your heart.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones your love and your peace? Of course not. Then please, don’t deny yourself your joy either.

    Don’t push it, either. When sadness comes, allow your tears to flow. When joy comes, allow your smile to shine. That’s how it is supposed to be. It’s your nature; it’s who you are.

    Reason #2: Joy is your light.

    Joy is the light within.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones that light? Of course not. Then please, accept it for yourself as well. When it shines, you can see the path in front of you, even if just one step ahead.

    One step at a time, toward light—isn’t that a fine way to respond to tragedy?

    Reason #3: Joy is your power.

    The deep joy flowing within you is a healing force. Its warmth has the power to melt the inner paralysis. Its energy has the power to fuel your journey toward a life in alignment with your heart’s desire.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones that? Of course not. Then don’t deny yourself the power of your joy either. Because your heart’s true desire is to live, and to feel joy.

    But how? After tragedy, how do you even open your heart and mind to joy?

    It depends on who you are. In other words, discovering who you really are also means finding your way back to joy.

    In that spirit let me present to you some of the infinite numbers of ways in which you could bring joy back into life. Perhaps even more ideas will show up in the comments section.

    In any case, I invite you to look at all these ways as possibilities, nothing more. Ponder them for a while, and then find out which one you feel most drawn to.

    Pick that one, and then start practicing joy in this way, daily. Here they come, in no particular order:

    21 Ways to Bring Joy into Your Life

    1. Spend time with children (there are children everywhere).

    2. Discover something refreshing (or surprising).

    3. Feel your body (you are a miracle of life).

    4. Read a novel (fiction, stories, not the usual self-improvement stuff).

    5. Travel (any distance).

    6. Look for smiles in people’s faces (on the street and on TV).

    7. Write thank you notes (to yourself too).

    8. Create a rhythm for your daily life (simple things will do).

    9. Exercise (in a way that makes you smile).

    10. Help someone (with something you enjoy doing).

    11. Find a color that makes you feel good (and wear it).

    12. Enjoy your spiritual practice. (Enjoy!)

    13. Spend time with nature (plants and pets are nature, too).

    14. Do something creative (just for yourself).

    15. Accept help from people (strangers, too).

    16. Learn something new. (What have you always wanted to learn?)

    17. Listen to music (and let your body move along).

    18. Walk barefoot (slowly).

    19. Savor simple pleasures. (What’s that?)

    20. Give yourself a break (in every sense of the word).

    21. When you have a choice, choose joy.

    I believe most of these suggestions are pretty self-explanatory. If in doubt, just ask in a comment and I’ll respond ASAP.

    Also know that once you decide to allow joy back into your life, joy will show you the way.

  • We Can Control How We Respond to Things We Can’t Control

    We Can Control How We Respond to Things We Can’t Control

    Deep in thought

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Every year, March 13th is difficult for me. This year, I marked the day with a long hike in the woods near my house and an extra-long hug for my wife, Kathleen. My sisters and I called each other and just said his name out loud. Wherever he is, we want him to know he is gone but not forgotten.

    March 13th would have been my brother Jimmy’s 64th birthday. He only made it to 26.

    But March 13th is also a time to reflect on what Jimmy meant to me, because although his death was a tragic event, it inspired me to choose a better life.

    April 23rd, 1975. A day that will be in my consciousness as long as I breathe.

    It was my sister Elizabeth’s 17th birthday and the day that my brother Jimmy, whom I worshipped, died.

    I was 11; Jimmy (as I said) was 26. My other older brother Robert (I am the youngest of eight) broke the news to me and my three other closest siblings, Michael, Madeleine, and Elizabeth.

    Robert told us and then held me in his arms as I screamed, “That’s not true! Jimmy can’t die! It’s a mistake!”

    But it wasn’t. He was gone, and my life changed that day forever.

    This devastating change was not my choice, but what I did next was. It was always my brother’s dream that his seven other siblings would escape our abusive father. I knew that, to honor Jimmy, I would never go back home.

    My mission from that day forward was to grow up and take control of my life. In the darkest moments—fighting with my foster parents, for example—I would say to myself, “Stay strong for Jimmy.”

    My path was far from smoothly paved; many bumps lay ahead. But I knew at that early age that whatever the universe threw at me, I could at the very least control my reaction and my journey forward, out of darkness into light.

    We choose to quit jobs, get married, adopt an animal, but of course there are many life events we don’t choose—a divorce, an accidental pregnancy, or the death of a loved one. Yet we can still choose how we deal with and react to these occurrences in our lives. 

    During tough times, our emotions run the gamut: denial, anger, fury, despair, numbness, isolation, desperation. In order to heal, we must feel. But we have a say in what we do with our feelings. 

    There are no right or wrong reactions, only what serves us and what doesn’t.

    It may help you to be angry and express your rage; it may help to be alone for some time. What is crucial when moving through a crisis is maintaining self-awareness.

    Check in with yourself daily, perhaps through meditation or journaling, and ask yourself: Where am I today? Is this helping me? What might be the next phase of this transition?

    While we have to relinquish control over the circumstances, we can still maintain our connection to ourselves. We can work with this knowledge, to paraphrase Victor Frankl, to face the challenge of changing ourselves.

    “Change” has become a dirty word in today’s world; advertisers avoid it because consumers associate the word with challenge and difficulty. 

    But whether we like it doesn’t really matter—life-altering events will change us, in one way or another. Instead of tuning out to avoid the pain, dealing with and even embracing tragedy and its consequences gives us an active role in guiding our own change and growth.

    Transformation is all around us. Transitions are the birthing pains, alternately exhilarating and difficult, that can bring wondrous, challenging, beautiful changes into our lives.

    What change are you dealing with now, and how are you responding to it?

    Photo here

  • 5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    Joyful

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown.

    Death is something many of us fear. Perhaps not so much our own death, but the mere thought of losing a loved one can be heartbreaking.

    On Sunday May 5th, my grandma had a large stroke. She’d baked her last cake, shared her final story, and within the blink of an eye, she was gone. Six days later her life ended, in a hospital bed, surrounded by her loved ones.

    She was not only my grandmother, but also the grandmother to five others, a great-grandmother, a mother of three, and the soul mate to her life partner.

    During the final week of her life, I was abruptly reminded just how fragile life really is, and how everything can change in a second. Here is what I’ve learned:

    1. It’s not what you are; it’s who you are.

    Wealth, status, and career are irrelevant when you are on your deathbed. The only thing that truly matters at the end of your life is how many people loved you for who you were, not what you did for a living.

    My nan had a brilliant sense of humor, countless tales to make us laugh, an abundance of love, and delicious home-cooked food to share. She was always a joy to be around.

    When you look back on your life, it’s not about the amount of money you’ve made, or how many letters you have accumulated after your name; it’s the human beings whose hearts you have touched.

    2. Now is the only time that really matters.

    Don’t put off something that can be done today, as your tomorrow may never arrive.

    Thankfully, my nan had lived a very fulfilling life and had reached the great age of 88. However, death can call for any one of us, at any time.

    Whatever your age, you need to ask yourself: Are you really living your life to its full potential, or constantly waiting for a better tomorrow?

    If you are unhappy with something, change it. If you need to resolve a difference with another person, work on it. Life really is too precious and too fragile to wait for another moment that isn’t now.

    3. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

    Life does have its ups and downs, and it is impossible to be happy all of the time. But, when those joyous moments do arise, enjoy them, savor them, and find a special place for them.

    During the last years of my nan’s life, she found it a struggle to get around. But what she lacked in mobility, she made up for with great wisdom, sharing fond memories and amusing anecdotes from her past.

    As we go through life, we create our own stories and live through countless experiences. Make your today a day that will bring you joy over and over again, when you look back on your life in many years to come.

    4. Share your gifts with the world.

    Everyone knew that our grandma made delicious cakes. But it wasn’t just any old mixture of sugar, butter, flour, and eggs. It was her unique way to share a slice of happiness with her loved ones through her special gift of baking.

    Whatever your talent may be, don’t keep it just for yourself. Share it with others.

    If you’re a great cook, make a fantastic meal for family or friends. If you’re an aspiring artist, make a piece of art for that special person. If you can write, express yourself through a blog and reach out. If you can sing or play an instrument, make an effort to get yourself heard.

    Life is all about sharing. Give back more than what you take. Inspire others, and share your own individual gifts with the people in your world and beyond.

    5. Make a living bucket list.

    You enter this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. What you accumulate in the middle, the “stuff” you own, does not even come close to defining your worth as a person.

    Material possessions come and go throughout life, but life experiences stay with you until your dying day, bringing smiles and laughter to those listening around you.

    While you are able to live your life to the fullest, do so. If you have always dreamed of visiting that amazing destination, go travel. If you wish to be more creative, find inspiration. Or if you simply want more fun in your life, get out there, connect with people, and enjoy yourself.

    Start your living bucket list today; don’t wait until your days are numbered to start living your dreams.

    Photo by geralt

  • The Dangers of Staying Quiet: Learning to Ask For Help

    The Dangers of Staying Quiet: Learning to Ask For Help

    Covered Lips

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    My right leg lay twisted, broken and disconnected. As I regained awareness, I could hear a primal scream.

    It took a while to register that it was coming from me.

    At the time, I was supposedly living my dream, but in truth I was drowning in my loneliness. So I had stood almost directly behind a horse I knew was prone to kicking and pulled her tail.

    She wasn’t malicious; if she was, I would be dead now, as I had lain under her until I was found. But I had invaded her space and she told me she didn’t like it.

    That was fifteen years, three long operations, and one titanium rod ago.

    I had been riding since I was four, and at the time I was twenty-two and competing professionally. I had trained with Olympic medallists and I had supposedly landed this great opportunity and I was on my way.

    It all looked right and perfect. The truth was that I was miserable and felt completely out of my depth. I knew no one where I lived. I was isolated yet expected to succeed—to deliver without any support.

    The more time went on, the more I hid the truth of my situation and how I felt from everyone who loved me, denying myself, because I didn’t know how to say I had made a mistake. I was struggling and desperately needed help.

    I had realized I’d made a mistake by accepting this job. I didn’t trust the owner for whom I was working and I couldn’t do everything I was expected to do alone, but I didn’t want my friends and family to think I had failed.

    It took me ten years to admit to myself that I was ashamed for having caused my accident.

    I chose to sacrifice myself and put my body in danger so that I could make the situation end—to somehow be rescued and for things to change.

    I was ashamed that I had caused drama in my life and trauma to myself as a way of getting what I needed. I got change, but the consequences were more dramatic than I could have imagined.

    Not only did I lose my job, but I also ended my professional riding career for good.

    I ended my dream of competing at the Olympics, which I had been striving, training, and working for my whole life. I lost my house and my friends, who I had left when I moved away to the new job. For a year, I totally lost my independence, and it would take several years until I was fully physically recovered.

    I would live the rest of my life with physical scars to remind me, and internal scars that would haunt me for years.

    It has been my greatest lesson in life to find a voice and not just speak, but to speak up and tell the truth about how I feel. To be true to myself and take care of what I need and want, and demonstrate to myself that I matter, by telling other people what is important to me.

    We are taught in school that if we don’t understand something and need help, to put our hand up and ask. It sounds so simple, but why do so many of us see this as a weakness and instead believe we must struggle and suffer in silence?

    My suffering in silence eventually led me to dramatic and potentially life-endangering measures.

    When I lay on the floor waiting for the paramedics, before someone had covered my leg, I stared at it broken like a china doll.

    I was lucky that I had been wearing calf-length leather riding chaps and it was to them that I owe the fact I didn’t lose my leg; it managed to keep everything together enough to be saved.

    My physical healing was relatively easy, with some time, patience, and loving care. Although I did eventually get up and ride again, even compete, even though I was told I never would, the psychological damage stripped me of my trust in myself, something that would last for years.

    I came to fear that I might self-sabotage again, betraying myself, and that there would be dire consequences if I took any risks.

    So I quit trying.

    For a long time my life was small and riddled with fear, which kept me prisoner—physically safe but, ironically, once again deeply lonely.

    It has taken an immense amount of courage to change this, and sometimes I would start to feel better, only to end up back in my cell.

    I had to stop waiting to be rescued by someone—anyone—who might telepathically know how I felt without me actually saying.

    I laugh now, because I have been taught by life that real love means being encouraged to be the biggest, most confident, strongest version of myself, to be able to stand up for myself and tell the truth, even if it might hurt someone else’s feelings.

    It is not my destiny to be self-sacrificing for fear of disappointing someone or hurting other people, but instead my responsibility to protect, love, and honor my well-being and happiness.

    My mistakes, actions, or consequences no longer need to be catastrophic, as long as I speak up and be honest early on, ask for help, talk to others, ask for someone to listen to me or even sometimes just give me a shoulder to cry on or a hug.

    A plaster always needs to be ripped off quickly to minimize the pain—and sometimes speaking the truth must be done in the same way.

    Because I didn’t do this, the pain, grief, shame, and trauma of that time in my life got stuck in my body and festered, eventually becoming too painful to hide from. Strangely, though, it actually helped me find the strength I needed to face how I had let myself down.

    I had chosen to be the victim, rather than speak up.

    I finally chose instead to let the tears fall, to wash away the pain, and I started speaking the truth. It wasn’t pretty, but I wanted to find a way to forgive myself and finally let go of the past.

    A few years on, I still sometimes struggle a little to speak up straight away when I am cross, in pain, and upset, but the truth always finds a way to bubble to the surface.

    Something in me won’t let me be quiet any more.

    With practice, I have learned to quieten the inner voice that tells me to ignore my feelings and keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy.

    Instead, I have to practice speaking with emotional clarity to say what I need, even if I have to shout it, write it, or repeat it over and over again to be heard.

    I have learned the simple truth that mistakes only happen when we are confused, don’t understand what is being communicated to us or expected of us, and when we don’t ask for help to make sense of something we don’t understand.

    So, the next time you find yourself in that state of fear, confused about which way to turn, don’t stay quiet, don’t suffer in silence!

    Remember our school lesson and put your hand up, either metaphorically or physically, and ask for help from anyone, whether in prayer or from another person.

    Be honest, keep asking, and don’t give up until you find what you need.

    You might not always find the answer straight away, but by talking about it, asking, and listening, it will come.

    Photo by Mitya Ku

  • 9 Ways You May Unwittingly Deprive Yourself of Love and Fulfillment

    9 Ways You May Unwittingly Deprive Yourself of Love and Fulfillment

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Do you want to let go and live life fully?

    If you feel that you are missing out on fulfillment and happiness, but cannot put your finger on why, perhaps there is something deeper going on.

    Believe it or not, anyone can develop an unconscious habit of self-deprivation. Usually this habit begins in childhood.

    Here’s how mine developed.

    When I was younger, if anyone approached and tried to attend to my needs, I’d make sure they understood that I was just fine without their help.

    Interestingly, I was also accident-prone. I was always managing to take a spill, as if in hot pursuit of another skinned knee or broken bone. Yet, I cannot remember one instance when I welcomed sympathy or caring or intervention from anyone.

    I guess thought I was pretty tough. Looking back, I also wonder how much I wanted to prove that I didn’t need other people. I am fine! Now, kindly leave me alone. This was my attitude.

    Why? There could be many reasons.

    You could call it genetics—just look at the other men in my family. Enough said!

    You could say I had a somewhat cold and distant mother. I was proving to her that I didn’t need her anyway.

    You could even blame the primal backlash that occurs when we exit the womb. When we make the transition from the oblivious comfort and security of the womb into a world where, by comparison, we feel deprived, controlled, and rejected, we are bound suffer some maladaptive consequences.

    We could find lots of things to blame, but the point is, I developed this pattern. And I marched right into adulthood with it firmly in place.

    The unintended outcome was that I rarely felt loved (imagine that). It was hard to be close to anyone and I felt disconnected, empty, and alone. I didn’t want to feel this way, but that’s what happens as you refuse to connect when people reach out.

    I couldn’t have been more successful if my unconscious mind had an actual goal to keep me in a state of emptiness and deprivation.

    The big AHA moment came when I realized I was attached to being emotionally deprived. Attachments are not a conscious choice, but an unwitting set up that lands us in that old, familiar place where we do not get what we want.

    Amazingly, over the years we learn to tolerate it, come to expect it, and even prefer the deprivation in some strange, familiar way. It is critical to recognize when this is happening.

    Here are nine signs you have developed an attachment to deprivation, unwittingly setting yourself up to feel unfulfilled:

    1. You don’t express your needs.

    Refusing to express your needs virtually guarantees deprivation. Millions of people allow others to ignore, take advantage, and take them for granted because they will not speak up.

    2. You are overly focused on the needs of others.

    Focusing solely on the needs of others at the expense of your own is actually a disservice to yourself and others. It typically leads to resentment and emotional martyrdom.

    3. You feel guilty when you do something for yourself.

    Guilt or “selfish” feelings when you meet your own needs is a sign that you don’t believe you deserve to have them met, as if it were wrong.

    4. You can’t take compliments.

    Not accepting compliments graciously (inside and out) is a way to deflect them, depriving yourself of the need to be appreciated.

    5. You are attracted to emotionally unavailable or self-centered people.

    A sure way to not to get your needs met is to attract emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people into your life. When you commit to these kinds of people, you set yourself up for a lifetime of emotional deprivation.

    6. You expect disappointment.

    Expecting disappointment keeps fulfillment at a distance. Going into situations anticipating disappointment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    7. You don’t know what you want or cannot define your purpose in life.

    This is so common! People usually don’t think of it this way, but not knowing what you want or even trying to figure it out is a way to avoid your purpose. Living with a sense of purpose is a huge need that brings meaning and fulfillment.

    8. You shy away from intimacy.

    When you avoid close relationships or shy away from deeper connections with people, you miss out on this fundamental contribution to happiness and fulfillment.

    9. You cannot enjoy the moment.

    Letting go and having fun in the here and now is an important way to experience fulfillment and reduce stress. It is a huge need! Staying in your head, remaining preoccupied or self-conscious robs you of the opportunity to enjoy your now.

    Each of the above examples leads us straight into deprivation, even though we did not consciously choose to go there. It is important to shine the healing light of awareness on this issue and begin to question whether or not it is appropriate to continue doing this at this point in life.

    My self-deprivation tendency, to act too tough to accept help and love, is much softer these days. I’ve been working on it. In the process, I have discovered a whole new world of support—people who are willing to love and be loved, to support and be supported.

    This new world has always been available; it was just hidden behind my attachment.

    Look for the signs of a deprivation attachment in your life. You may be surprised at what you find!

  • Don’t Let Anyone or Anything Dim Your Inner Light

    Don’t Let Anyone or Anything Dim Your Inner Light

    Find Your Inner Light

    “The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.” ~Shakti Gawain

    I was born with it. I know I was. There was a light within me that showed in my smile, my dancing around the house, my love for life, for friends, for family, and my bright future.

    I don’t remember the exact day it happened, I don’t remember the last event that did it, but my inner light went out. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky girl I once was; I became lost in an abyss of darkness and sadness. Happiness and joy were thing of the past.

    Was it heartbreak over the guy I was supposed to marry who broke my heart? Was it the fact that my parents got divorced and I was suddenly in the middle of it? Was it because I never stuck up for myself or spoke my truth? Did I do anything so horrible that my “karma” was kicking in?

    I couldn’t figure it out. I was suddenly paralyzed in fear and my world became a place where I no longer wanted to be; I wanted out.

    I was diagnosed with stage three melanoma at the age of twenty-one. The doctor who performed the biopsy called the house to let me know the results and left a message. I deleted the message.

    About an hour later my parents asked me if the doctor had called. I told them yes and that I had deleted the message. They immediately called the doctor’s office in the other room.

    A few minutes later they came into my room crying and told me I had stage three melanoma and needed to have it removed immediately. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was relieved in a sense that there may be something that removed me from this world of pain I now lived in. I was numb.

    I no longer had the ability to form friendships; I lost that knack which used to come so easily to me. I didn’t allow anyone to get close to me. My walls came up so high and I swore no one would ever get in.

    The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment of the girl I had become began to eat me up alive. Why was I even here anymore? What was the point?

    From the tender age of eighteen I suffered daily with pain and fear, and constantly had to tell myself out loud, “I can do this, I can do this,” whether it was showing up for work or any other area in my life.

    In order to deal with all this emptiness and fear, I felt the only way out was to drink, do drugs, and self-destruct in any way I could.

    I drank to the point where I would black out because that is where I found peace, a total escape from my reality. It didn’t matter to me if I was putting myself in harm’s way or ruining the relationships with those close to me, I had to do it. I didn’t care anymore.

    The last straw was on New Year’s Eve 2001 when I went out and went into my usual blacked out state. I ended up telling my friend I wanted to kill myself. The next morning, my mom, who I had a strained relationship with because of her inability to watch me self-destruct, called me and was in tears.

    She told me my friend called her and told her I said I wanted to take my life. My mom pleaded with me to get help as soon as possible.

    I thought about it for a minute and pondered what she said. Live this miserable life of self-hatred and addiction, or get help. The decision I made was to get help because I had reached my bottom emotionally, physically, and spiritually and had a tiny grain of hope that I had a chance.

    Attending my first rehab at the age of twenty-seven was the beginning of my road to recovery and freedom. I wish I could say I got it my first time around, but that’s not my story. Two rehabs, countless relapses and lost relationships, and continuous fear and anxiety consumed me until the age of thirty-eight, when I finally surrendered and saw that I could not do this life thing on my own.

    Fear ruled my life. It was the gripping anxiety I felt on a daily basis in my stomach and in my heart. I have heard the acronym for fear, which is “Future Events Already Ruined.” I expected the worst to happen in any situation of my life.

    It wasn’t until I realized I wasn’t in charge and my self-will had taken me to these dark places that I felt a load off of my jaded soul.

    I began to see spirituality as a solace to my pain. I had hope (“hang on, pain ends”) that there was a light beyond my darkness.

    I heard you gain strength through trials and emotional bottoms. The fact that I saw others who had suffered and found a way out made me feel like I could do it too. I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to cope with life.

    I started to see meditation as a way to find the answers to life’s challenges and struggles. This came as such a relief, because I used to think I had to come up with the answers in my head, which was a dangerous place to be since it had led me to this place where I no longer wanted to live.

    I began attending twelve-step meetings specific to my struggles, which helped me learn skills on how to live my life in a healthy way. I related to people and their pain, and was able to share mine.

    Finally my pain was paying off. It allowed me to help others so that maybe they would not have to suffer as long as I did. I was no longer a victim of my life. I had appreciation and gratitude for my dark past.

    I began to pray to a higher power. I learned for the first time in my life to let go. Let go of the outcomes, the fear, reactions or actions of other people, my career, my job, and my relationships—all of it.

    Am I practicing letting go on a daily basis? No, but the key thing is that I have a willingness to try. Just knowing I have the option to try to let go gives me a peace of mind that I have not had for a very long time.

    I had allowed people and situations that hurt me to burn out my inner light. No one turned off my light; I did. Knowing this gave me the freedom to find it again.

    Everyone is born with an inner light. Some of us can hold on to it and others lose it and have to work extremely hard to get it back. My road back to my light has been painful, scary, exciting, and fulfilling. I would not change any of it. I am a stronger woman because of it and for that I am eternally grateful.

    Photo by Stacy Kathryn Holst

  • How Simple Little Happy Habits Can Make a Huge Difference

    How Simple Little Happy Habits Can Make a Huge Difference

    “Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness.” ~Charlotte Brontë

    Habits are a double-edged human habitual practice—they can be healthy and unhealthy, and can bring us happiness and unhappiness.

    We’ve all read about the importance of healthy and successful habits, and how to choose and practice them. But I’ve also recently read about how healthy and successful habits alone don’t necessarily lead to good health or real success. There’s more to it.

    What I’m reading now shows that happiness appears to be just as important to well-being and success as lifestyle choices, that happiness alone may actually lead to the good life in body, mind, and spirit.

    Sometimes there are things in life we just have to do. They’re neither painful nor pleasurable, just necessary chores. Why not lighten the load with a few little happy habits?

    In my early twenties, I remember for years not being happy while shopping at the grocery market. To me, it was a dreaded chore.

    I felt a certain sense of overwhelm just stepping into the market.

    The overly-bright lights, the barrage of bad music interrupted only by the even more annoying announcements, the myriad choices (just shop the perimeter), deciphering the ingredients and nutrition facts labels (would the real food please stand out?), the comparison shopping tasks (the mental math matters), the crowds and their carts (to maneuver around), having to remind the clerk time and again that I didn’t want paper or plastic (I brought ’em and I’ll bag ’em), and the expensive ka-ching! (silent swipe, actually) at the check-out.

    And I also recall feeling guilty (first-world problem, right?) while shopping for groceries. There I was, a first-world affluent person with really, not relatively, more than enough money, free (from work) time, and access to good food, and I resented having to shop for it. I really felt unhappy about it.

    Now, this may seem like a trivial problem, but think about it. This little habit was negatively affecting my happiness. And it was no laughing matter, literally. It was making me unhappy.

    Is there something you must do each day or even once or twice a week, something that you’re not happy doing? Are there a few of these somethings?

    How would you describe your day-in and day-out days: happy ones with moments of unhappiness, or unhappy ones with moments of happiness? If there were simple little ways to create more happiness in your life, would you?

    Even though about half of our happiness nature is actually found in the happy gene, there’s still the entire other half (full or empty, depending on which genes you don) that you can choose to nurture. 

    Optimists, drink up! And pessimists, don’t go thirsty! Practice simple little happy habits.

    1. Choose a simple little happy habit.

    First of all, simply set an intention for happiness. Would you like to create a little happiness for yourself and others? Just be conscious of your intention. Then choose a happy habit to practice.

    What thoughts, words, and acts would naturally bring you and others happiness? What would work with your personality, your essential being, and not against it? What’s something you could practice doing that would cause you to lose track of the time and effort it takes to do it?

    Better yet, choose a happy habit that takes very little time and simple efforts in the first place.

    How about just smiling at each person you encounter today?
 How about simply saying please, thank you, and you’re welcome?
 How about sending an email to coworkers or clients expressing your appreciation?

    Repeated small acts of kindness for yourself and others make for happy habits indeed.

    2. Take a little time to simply practice it.

    Is it something you can do any time of the day? Do you need to be in a particular position or situation, or need specific tools or materials? Can you do it even when you’re tired? Remember, keep your happy habit practice simple and little.

    Much like I set up a schedule for practicing meditation, I set up a schedule for practicing happy habits.

    I set electronic reminders. I post sticky notes and make lists. I ask my husband to check in with me at the end of the day. I hold myself accountable for my happiness. Eventually, I’ll be able to practice happy habits anywhere, any time, even with my eyes and heart wide open.

    3. Go get a happy habit study buddy.

    Share in this happiness. Enlist the help of a friend or family member. Open your happy heart. Make a little list of happy habits together. Share your notes. Text or email or call or meet up every so often to share ideas, celebrate successes, and encourage and inspire one another in your habit-making venture. Make a date to do something that brings you both a little happiness.

    Are you ready for something even bigger? Join a group or club, or take a class. What have you always wanted to learn about and experience? Did you know that there is laughter yoga (Hasyayoga)? It’s about practicing laughter (and breathing, of course)—laughter simply by way of laughter. Make your happy practice contagious too.

    If you’d rather go it alone, simply keep a journal. Set a timer for a couple of minutes. Record your happy little intention. And reflect upon your simple little happy habit day.

    4. Check in on your little happy habit.

    Just notice and pay attention to how you feel. Does your happy habit practice feel uncomfortable or comfortable? Is it hard or easy? Do you practice it willingly or unwillingly?

    Basically, do you feel happy for yourself and others while you’re doing it? If so, continue to make a habit of it. If not, it’s time to choose something else, something simpler and littler. Start where you are.

    What happy habit are you practicing right now? In the next hour? By the end of the day? Set small goals at first. As your strength happily increases and your happiness endurance builds, add new goals, happier ones.

    Most research shows that it takes about a month to develop a new habit. Try practicing your little happy habit for a month and just see how happy you are. What’ve you got to lose, a little unhappiness?

    5. Celebrate the littlest of happy habits.

    Ultimately, being happier and sharing happiness is the goal and it’s its own reward. But setting small goals at first and celebrating tiny steps of success will keep you on your happy habit path. Share your happy habits, happiness, with others.

    Happiness, like laughter, is contagious. Infect everyone you meet. You’ll be a little happy hero or heroine.

    Who knows? Simple little happy habits might make you happier, maybe even healthier, and quite possibly wealthier and wiser.

    As for me, shopping at the market for groceries has gotten a lot happier over the years. I wear a happy hat to stave off the lighting, bring along a happy playlist of songs, smile at and help and even chat with my fellow shoppers, and I truly appreciate the abundance in my life. Life is good and happy.

    And I’ve added new little happy habits over the years too. Sometimes when I send a thank you card to someone, I don’t actually write on the card or the envelope. I write my words of thanks on a sticky note and place it inside the card. On another sticky note, I encourage the person to thank someone else today using the card and envelope that’s right there.

    Share happiness—write a comment, sharing your simple little happy habits and how you practice them. We’d all appreciate it. Thanks, and smiles of happiness!

  • 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    Joyful

    “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” ~Unknown

    Five months ago, I was sitting outside with a friend when a mosquito bit me under the arm. I went to scratch the bite and felt a lump on the side of my breast. My doctor sent me for a mammogram, ultrasound, and fine needle biopsy. I had breast cancer.

    I am a 44-year-old single mother of two beautiful young girls with primary custody. I am also Director of a psychology practice and self-employed.

    The day I was diagnosed was the day I lost the carefully constructed control I thought I had mastered in my life. I juggled many balls in the air every day, and they all came falling down.

    I strongly believe in salvaging good from bad, but I struggled with finding the silver lining. The fear and anxiety waiting on test results to find out if the cancer had spread were crippling, and I was haunted by dark thoughts of death.

    I was lucky. The cancer had not spread, as far as they could tell. The tumor was contained and I had a genetic test done that showed minimal benefit from chemotherapy, assuming I had lumpectomy surgery, radiation, and then took a hormone drug called Tamoxifen for the next ten years.

    I think I have found the silver lining in this journey, and my dearest hope, over and above the cancer being gone for good, is that I hold onto these lessons:

    1. Let go.

    My life before breast cancer was highly organized, disciplined, and controlled. Every spare moment was productive. I saw clients back-to-back, I ferried my daughters to activities, I crammed my weekends with social events, and I had multiple to-do lists for each facet of my life.

    I have spent the past five months going where medical people tell me to go, doing what they tell me to do, and waiting. The radiation has made me extremely tired and my brain is simply not functioning.

    I returned to work three weeks after surgery in an advanced state of denial, and kept on trying to be the old me but finally accepted I was not.

    I don’t do very much now. I go to radiation treatment each day. I come home and do some household chores and then rest. For hours. I may read a book, listen to music, play the piano, I even started a painting. I then pick my girls up from school and spend time with them. And it is a revelation.

    Control is an illusion. Letting go of control is liberation.

    2. Stop asking, “Why me?”

    Why not me? That is the profound answer I have come up with to answer this most difficult of questions. Bad things happen to good people and life is not fair. The test is genuinely is how we cope with the adversity thrown at us.

    I am proud of how I have coped with having breast cancer. I have remained psychologically intact, albeit bruised and battered, and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I have dealt with the spectre of dying and have gotten my affairs in order just in case. I also now have a bucket list, and I am crossing things off one by one.

    The purpose of life, I have decided, is not to be happy. It is to realize our potential, to love and to be loved, to do new things and take calculated risks. I do not want to get to the end of my life, be it next year or in forty years, and have regrets.

    The biggest regrets are the things we did not say or do. So focus on what you can do instead of dwelling on why there are some things you can’t.

    3. Ask for support.

    I have never been good at asking for or accepting help. I have asked people to come to appointments with me, to pick up my children, to come and sit with me while I cry. I have never been good at crying either, and I have had crying jags that lasted hours since being diagnosed.

    I had friends over one day and as they were leaving, I slid to the floor and could not get up because I was sobbing so hard. They bundled the girls and me, took us to their home, and looked after us, me weakly protesting that I was fine. The loss of control and identity associated with melting down felt soul destroying.

    So many wonderful people have offered to help, and I am learning to say, “Yes, thank you, that would be lovely.” And it has made me and my relationships stronger, not weaker.

    Sometimes we have to ask for what we need and accept being vulnerable.

    4. Practice gratitude.

    In the blur of normal life, I think we are all guilty of wanting more. We forget to be grateful for what we have, and at its most fundamental, that is life. I would love to be able to write that I am now genuinely grateful for my life, but this would not be entirely true just yet. I slip into denial at times and fall back on old habits, but I am learning.

    I am grateful for the immense generosity of my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend, who have given of their time, money, and emotional energy. The parents at my children’s school who delivered us meals. My work colleagues, who have kept my business going, and acquaintances who have contacted me to express their concern.

    I have let go of the disappointment I felt over those people who I expected to be there for me but were not.

    I have also found myself grateful for things that I took for granted. For my beautiful children, a vase of flowers in the hallway, a good cup of coffee, a flock of birds on my walk, or the ability to pay the bills. I am grateful that I am not dead.

    Mindfulness and gratitude let us stay in the present and ward off anxiety, which comes from living in the future.

    I obviously do not know what the future will hold. My chance of dying from breast cancer related illness is a lot higher than average, but I am so lucky. I am lucky to be alive, and so are you.

    Every day we are not in the ground is a good day, a chance to remake ourselves and our lives into things of value and beauty. Tragedy and trauma can have silver linings. Sometimes it is hard to find them and even harder to hold on to them, but I am holding on tight.

    Photo by geralt

  • Say Goodbye to Your “I” and Hello to Freedom

    Say Goodbye to Your “I” and Hello to Freedom

    “More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

    It’s the last place in a million years I ever thought I would find myself.

    Stuck in a day job I had originally taken to fund my art and still feed my family when times were lean. It all sounded so logical back then.

    Except that after several years, this “I” that was showing up to work had zero passion, was totally unmotivated, and not exactly someone I was too proud of.

    Which was very strange since I was always so committed with my dedication to my artistic endeavors, prior to this particular career move. “Who was this guy?” I thought.

    But hey, it was all to keep the music train rolling along while I worked on my art and building up our fan base.

    Then the band broke up.

    Suddenly without the vehicle to deliver my artistic message I was like a ship without a rudder. The job felt like I was still living the joke but couldn’t remember the punch line anymore.

    But then I was in a bit of a conundrum.

    There was this other “I” who, during this same period, had rediscovered the storyteller I had always been since childhood.

    This “I” started blogging, writing posts to inspire others to unearth their own unique story and live their passion. A first eBook was near completion. People were commenting and signing up regularly to my list.

    This “I” felt totally alive. Totally confident. Like I was doing some good in the world.

    Likewise, when I was playing guitar or producing other musical artists. People were consistently saying thank you whenever I was engaged in this work.

    Hmmm.

    So then who exactly was this “I” who was showing up to that day job? This self that was feeling so stuck? The one with all these self-limiting beliefs?

    It was almost like I had a different “I” for different situations in my life. It was really confusing.

    Did you ever have that feeling?

    I finally found the clarity I was seeking after attending a Buddhist lecture series recently.

    The Buddha says that since beginningless time, we have been grasping at a self that doesn’t really exist—a self that changes like clouds passing overhead.

    According to Buddha, this self-grasping is the root cause of all human suffering, because we’re clinging to the delusion that this self and our own happiness is more important than anyone else’s.

    I know, that sounds scary, right? Clinging to someone who’s not really there?

    Now this might be a good time to ask an obvious question you might be wondering.

    If our “I” doesn’t really exist then who’s driving the bus, right? Who decides we’re going to wear that blue shirt today? Who tells us to take a shower and get ready for work?

    That’s a fair question. (I was thinking the very same thing when this was first presented to me)

    But I learned that if you really believe there’s this independently existing fixed self called “you” then you should be able to point to it, right? Like your refrigerator over in the corner. “Yes, there ‘I’ am.”

    So to see if this was true we went through the following exercise.

    You get to a centered place in your meditation (or just a quiet place, if that’s not your thing) and you contemplate a version of a self you’re very familiar with. Preferably one that feels stuck in some aspect of your life. (Bingo! The guy at work. That was easy)

    Then you just try to observe this self in action, as though in your mind’s eye, you’re looking over their shoulder and they don’t know you’re there. Then you ask yourself, “Is this really the person I always wanted to be?”

    Well, it was quite obvious to me the answer was no. So then you set out to locate this self to test the theory.

    Now if you just use common sense and look in the mirror you basically have only two choices where you might find this self. Either your “I” is located within your body or it’s in your mind, right? Where else could it be?

    So for example, when “you” decide to go shopping do you say, “My body is going shopping now?” No, you say, “I’m going shopping now,” right? As though this “I” is some entity other than your body.

    So this self is not located inside your body, would you agree?

    Okay, so then is your “I” located inside your mind?

    Well, think about it. You wouldn’t say, “I’m taking my mind shopping” either, would you? As though your thoughts are off to the mall? I’ll just leave my body home since that’s not me. No, you wouldn’t say that either.

    And something else: don’t you say, “These are my  thoughts” as though your “I” is in possession of them? Logic dictates that the possessor (your “I”) can’t also be the possessed (your thoughts) at the same time.

    So if this self can’t be located in your mind either, then where is it? What are we to conclude?

    It doesn’t really exist. It’s an idea, a name you ascribe to this collection of changing thoughts you call “me.” An insinuation.

    But fear not. You do exist.

    Just not in the fixed reality you thought you resided. You cannot point to this self because it’s nowhere to be found. Really, try to point to it right now.

    So if your “I” is really just an “I”dea, then what would you do if you came up with a bad idea? Like say, a self that believed they were stuck in a day job?

    You’d drop it right?

    What’s the opposite of self-limiting beliefs?

    Unlimited possibility.

    Why not identify with that instead?

    When I walked out of that class and began meditating on this concept over the following weeks and months, something eventually happened.

    I didn’t view this job in the same way anymore. It’s not that I had any renewed passion for it. I didn’t. But I realized that all the years I’ve been in this field have not been for naught. It served my creativity in a way I never saw before.

    I’ve been working in high end audio visual technologies with some of the wealthiest New Yorkers, living in these amazing spaces most only get to see on TV. Some are characters I could never invent in my wildest imagination. So the job has become the muse for a book I’ve been writing over the last few years now.

    Writing has opened up a door and shown me new possibilities with my career. Suddenly people are asking to pay me for my writing.

    An audience is building. A tiny voice says, “Keep going.” It’s the voice of a different self. One who knows it’s all going to work out.

    There’s another premise in Buddhism called patient acceptance. You can’t force life to change. You create the conditions for change to come about. Then you accept that it will come when its time has ripened. Not before.

    Maybe you can’t always change a situation by just snapping your fingers and making it go away. But you can change your perception of it.

    Change your perception and you change the world.

    Literally.

    If you’re free to realize that this self is just an idea, then you’re also free to let go of those selves that don’t serve you because they don’t produce a positive perception of events.

    You can learn to recognize them when they crop up. You can even have some fun and give them names. When they show up you can just say, “Take a hike, Larry (or Mary)!”

    You’re free to see a seemingly difficult situation as a challenge instead—an opportunity to transform it into something positive.

    And you’re free to watch with wonder what happens when you view each moment of your life in this way.

    Freedom is yours when you let go of “you.”

    Here’s to your freedom!

  • Improv(e) Your Life: Lessons on Risks, Gifts, and More

    Improv(e) Your Life: Lessons on Risks, Gifts, and More

    Improv

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Improv comedy is something I’ve always enjoyed. I thought it would be fun to try, so I eventually took a class. Countless classes and many laughs later, I’ve learned that improv is a lot like life. In fact, applying what you learn in improv can actually improve your life.

    Risky Business 

    Showing up at an improv class for the first time might prove intimidating or anxiety provoking for some.  I felt some nerves when taking my first class, knowing that I would have to expose myself to some degree. Being more on the introverted side of the social spectrum, this got me thinking.

    Improv can be a great strategy for overcoming shyness. To work through these types of issues, realize that you will have to take some risks. This often requires you to step out of your comfort zone. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is key.

    I began improv by adapting Susan Jeffers’ advice to “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.”

    To do this, simply allow whatever thoughts or feelings arise within you to bubble up. Then, notice and acknowledge them without trying to change them. With practice, discomfort will become more tolerable and your comfort zone will have expanded.

    Pay Attention

    Whether you’re playing a game where you’re tracking an invisible ball that’s being thrown around, or in a scene where you have to read someone’s body language, paying attention is critical in improv.  Awareness of what’s going on around you (and within you) at any given moment is the foundation upon which improv is built.

    Bad improv ends up looking sloppy, disconnected, inconsistent, and is usually not much fun to watch.  Not paying attention to internal or external cues can obviously have negative consequences in life.

    Personally, it has sometimes been difficult for me to discern what I’m feeling emotionally. For example, this has caused strain in my relationships where the absence of strong feelings has kept me numb. As a result, I have held back in many relationships. Partners have wondered how I really feel about them and overwhelming emotional reactions have come when it’s too late.

    Thanks to improv, I’m better able to discern whatever I’m feeling in the moment. It has allowed me to explore emotional nuances in between the extremes.

    A powerful question to elicit your level of attention is: what’s happening right now? Consider both your inner state and external environment as you reflect on this question.

    Monkey See, Monkey Do

    Beginning improvisers usually commence a scene by mimicking their partner’s gestures or actions. This helps them get on the same page, establishing a shared reality from which a scene can emerge.

    This approach was helpful when I was learning the guitar. I used to sit in front of the TV and mimic guitar solos note for note. This helped train my ear and showed me what was possible. Emulating my role models also kept me motivated, providing feedback on the development of my skills. In fact, I’m willing to bet that this is how they learned too.

    Motivational speaker Tony Robbins urges people to think and act like those who are where they want to be in life. Why reinvent the wheel when someone already has a good, working model? Don’t worry, differentiation will come later. It did with my guitar playing. Master the basics first.

    Gifts 

    Improv is based upon agreement. This means that you accept what’s been said or done in a scene. For instance, I was once in a scene when my partner suddenly pointed and fearfully yelled out “that spaceship is coming for us!” I accepted that statement as true and reacted as if this was actually happening.

    Many improv teachers would say that in that moment, I received a gift. That is, I was given something with which I could do anything I wanted, opening up a world of possibilities and taking the scene to new and unexpected places.

    Not accepting a gift could easily ruin the illusion of a scene and keep it from evolving organically.

    We don’t always accept gifts in our everyday life. This can result in arguments, dead ends, and power struggles. For example, I recently made plans to meet up with an old friend I haven’t seen in years. I was excited about catching up with her, suggesting we have lunch at a restaurant I’ve been dying to try.

    Disappointment set in when she told me she preferred just getting a cup of coffee or tea somewhere. I wasn’t able to accept my friend’s gift, at least not right away.

    Consider how well you’re able to accept the gifts given to you by others, even when things don’t go your way.  

    Yes, And…

    In addition to accepting a gift in improv, your job is to then incorporate it into your shared reality somehow. Going back to the spaceship scene, I acknowledged it and began to panic, shouting, “Damn, I forgot to pay my intergalactic taxes!”

    This is an example of the golden rule of improv known as “yes, and.” It refers to accepting a gift that’s been given to you and giving back a gift that adds to it in some way.

    The key here is to be open to the unexpected and to go with the flow, no matter where things or how end up.

    Going back to lunch with my old friend, I saw that I wasn’t yes anding her. Once I realized this, I could then see her counteroffer as a gift. Disappointment soon faded and I became curious if there were coffee shops or teahouses in my area. My expectation was that there weren’t any.

    I was astonished to discover an amazing coffee shop just a few blocks from home. Not yes anding would’ve resulted in lingering feelings of disappointment. I would’ve also missed out on one of the best cups of coffee I’ve had in a long time!

    Practice “yes anding” things in life that you normally resist and see what happens. Doing this can increase spontaneity, heighten creativity, and allow you to better manage your expectations.

    No Scripts 

    Like improv, most of life is unscripted. Think about it: almost every conversation you’ve ever had has been improvised. Sure, you might have had some idea about what to say to someone. But things don’t usually go exactly as planned, do they?

    Others say or do things you don’t expect. Like me, you may have even surprised yourself by your own reactions or by what came out of your own mouth. Remembering that most of life is improvised can make you more easygoing. It can also keep you open to the unexpected and help anchor you in the present moment.

    Application of this principle actually helped me meet my girlfriend. One evening, I saw a beautiful woman as I got on the subway.

    Improv gave me the confidence to approach her on a crowded train, knowing that I could come up with something spontaneous to say without having to resort to cheesy pickup lines. The rest is history.

    Improving your life 

    Applying the principles of improv can help you better navigate your life in innumerable ways, even during life’s more serious or challenging scenes.

    However, I wouldn’t have been able to arrive at the ideas above by simply watching it on TV. I had to roll up my sleeves and step out of my comfort zone time and again.

    Whether or not you’ve ever done improv, I’m curious: how have you improv(is)ed your life?

    Photo here

  • You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    Happy Brother and Sister

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~ Epictetus

    Do you know that feeling when you are completely alone?

    I don’t mean in a calm, solitary, I-choose-to-be-on-my-own kinda way.

    It’s the alone that inflates with silence that makes your ears ring. It’s the ache in the pit of your gut that boils the insecurities and needless feelings of rejection. It’s the push of desperate pain that wells in your eyes and stains your cheeks.

    You know, that kind of alone?

    I never intended to feel this way. When I first moved to Paris, the images of hope and “my future starts here” were bursting from every pore.

    As I whizzed around daily life, getting to know my new colleagues, digging into shiny new work projects and exploring the jewels of this amazing city, I was so engulfed in the newness of it all that I made no time to stop and think about the long term.

    And there was no need to. I was embarking on an exciting new phase of my life. There was no time to stop and think!

    But then the newness faded. My colleagues became familiar to me. My job was less about discovery and more about delivery. My apartment was decorated. I was done being “new.”

    And that’s when reality finally sunk in.

    It was time for normality. Routine. Familiarity.

    But nothing in Paris was like my old life. I didn’t have any real friends here; nobody I could call and say “hey, let’s hang out together today.” Family were in a completely different country too.

    The emptiness was explosive.

    Humans are naturally social creatures, and I am not just gregarious; my energy comes from connecting with others. Taking this option away from me was like stripping my identity bare.

    I didn’t descend into a depression. Neither did I go out nor have wild, cocktail-soaked nights. In fact, there was no defining moment when a flare of inspiration transformed me from the no-friends-alone-on-the-weekends person to a blossoming social butterfly.

    As with anything I had in my life, friendship would take time to achieve. And even then, there was no end game, no one event that signified completion.

    Building a life filled with what I wanted would not swiftly appear through chanting a few affirmations or signing up to a list. I would have to define it for myself. It would be an evolutionary process. The difference was made using two words: what and how.

    What did I actually want? It was simple. I wanted to have someone I could call and spend some time with. But more than ever, I just wanted engagement, conversation, a spark of chemistry and shared experiences.

    I didn’t want acquaintances. I wanted real friends—the ones where we shared a mutual respect and just had each others’ back. Simple!

    How to get there started with letting go of preconceptions and insecurities, like:

    • Everyone already has a circle of friends. Why would they want to befriend me?
    • I don’t speak the language yet, so how can I engage with new people?
    • The French are notoriously unfriendly, so the odds are against me anyway.

    Thoughts like this alone could have been strong enough to keep me routed in my own self-doubt.  But my security did not come from removing the doubts, but choosing to take action in spite of them.

    My journey to finding new friends began with two main themes: the people I knew already, and the things I was interested in doing.

    I decided I would first ask a few colleagues to have lunch with me. These conversations revealed shared interests, so I asked one colleague to join me at a couture class where we learned to sew dresses. Another colleague and I went indoor-wall climbing.

    Mingled with this was using the desire to learn French to also engage with people outside of the office. I joined an online group and began meeting people who wanted to learn English and in turn they taught me French. This created a reason to meet and some common ground to work from.

    Some of these people have become irreplaceable friends and some I will probably never see again. But I found simple joy during this process. Would I ever have encountered these people if I had not made the effort to do so in the first place?

    And that is perhaps the most fundamental lesson from this experience. If I wanted friends, I had to ask for them. It was my responsibility to make the first move. There was no magic pill, no secret formula—just discovering the what and the how.

    What changes have you made to feel less lonely? What has this taught you about yourself?

    Happy kids image via Shutterstock

  • Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves.

    Ironically, it was when my ten-year marriage fizzled that I began the innermost process of self-discovery about love.

    While discouraged and saddened at the crumbling of our relationship, I began to explore love more. How had it fizzled? Why had we stopped loving each other, and what had happened to our love?

    The People Who Were to Have Loved Us

    I grew up in a rather patriarchal culture and family, which had trouble expressing or showing love.

    In fact, they showed love in unusual and unhealthy of ways. My mother used harsh language, put-downs, and comparisons to others to berate, embarrass, and ridicule me about my personal habits, lack of achievement in school, and potential career choices.

    My dad showed love in the form of his belt, which lashed against my body throughout my childhood. I remember horrific lashes, which left marks around my legs, buttocks, and back. If I were lucky, the lashes were made by the softer leathery-parts of the belt. If I wasn’t, it was the buckle, which did the scarring.

    The violent strikes resulted from disobedience, for challenging my parents’ authority, and mediocre grades.

    My adolescent years were filled with memories of some of these physical scars, which have disappeared, but also emotional scars, which continued to linger.

    My ex-wife’s parents similarly showed love in unhealthy ways: ignoring her feelings, constantly criticizing and comparing her to others, and not expressing their love for her.

    What I’ve realized since our divorce was that we were two damaged people who had trouble loving ourselves, let alone each other. When the love you’ve known has been physically harmful, emotionally painful, and psychology scarring, how do you love another person?

    With this realization, I’ve had to find ways to love myself first.

    You too may have been unloved or shown love in unhealthy ways in your life. Here are some tips on loving yourself first before searching for love in your life.

    1. Be kind to yourself.

    You may have hurts, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.

    We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.

    Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.

    When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    2. Feel the love within you and be that love.

    You may experience both self-hatred and self-love. Spend more time focusing on self-love.

    Try loving and positive affirmations. Nourish your soul through a love-kindness meditation or spiritual practices that help you feel compassion and love toward yourself.

    Once you feel vibrations of self-love or the peace of positive affirmations, try to be in that place of love throughout your day.

    Infuse this love with your interactions with others in your life.

    3. Give yourself a break.

    You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.

    Be willing to embrace your imperfections and excuse your bad days. Don’t set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. It’s normal to feel sadness and pain and to hit some low points in life.

    Allow yourself to embrace these emotions without judging yourself for them.

    4. Embrace yourself.

    Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?

    You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.

    Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.

    The process of self-discovery can happen through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.

    In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.

    The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.

    It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.

    5. Be grateful.

    Rhonda Byrne, author of The Magic, shares with us a powerful way to change all of our relationships and our life.

    Byrne encourages us to practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.

    “When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase,” Byrne says.

    She includes twenty-eight practices for twenty-eight days of your life to help you feel gratitude more deeply. Her initial practice is a formula to count your blessings.

    She encourages you to write out the following sentence for ten items you’re grateful for everyday.

    “I am truly blessed to have _____________, because _____________(why?).”

    You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.

    6. Give yourself in service to others.

    When you think about kindness toward others and being love to others, you open the door to divine love.

    “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

    Yes, giving to others is a gift of love you can often give yourself which brings you more love.

    When you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, and giving of yourself, your soul will rejoice. You’ve reached the highest level of self-love in this state of serving others.

    Find ways to do small and large tasks to assist those living in your house, neighborhood, or community. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving.

    The love you’re sharing with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life.

    You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to feel complete any longer. You’re complete.

    A relationship will only make you shine brighter and bring more love in your life.

  • Slow Down and Fully Enjoy This Moment

    Slow Down and Fully Enjoy This Moment

    Enjoy the Moment

    “Don’t miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold.” ~Unknown

    Have you noticed that time seems to go by faster as you get older? Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries all come and go—and before we know it, here they come again.

    One theory neuroscientists have is that when we are young we have more novel experiences. These novel experiences create more vivid memories. As we age, we have less “new” or “first time” experiences. There are no unique memories to stand out.

    We can also look at it another way. When we’re doing something new, we’re very focused and “in the moment.” Time seems to stand still because we’re not thinking about the past or the future. We are truly living in the present.

    So then by being present in our lives, no matter what we’re doing—cleaning dishes, writing a paper, or watching a sunset—or how old we are, we can experience it like it’s a “first time.”

    How often are we truly present in our lives? It’s hard, isn’t it? We have so many things to do, places to be, people to see.

    We all know that we should slow down and enjoy life more. We may try for a little while, but then we’re off to the races again, filling our lives with more busyness and distractions.

    We start our day with well-meaning intentions: kindness, compassion, patience, and love. Then stuff happens—we hit traffic, computer goes on the fritz, or have an argument with our significant other. By mid-day, we often find ourselves worn down, defensive, and depleted.

    As a massage therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to work closely with many interesting people, from actors and musicians to teachers and retirees. We share life’s ups and downs—joys and sorrows from birthdays and weddings to sickness and death.

    Our perspective determines how we see and judge everything in life. And try as we may, we cannot run from the perspective that comes from growing older.

    I’m lucky to work with many older clients who remind me of what’s really important in life. And what I hear most is how fast life passes you by. And the advice I hear most often: to really try to enjoy every moment.

    Which then boils down to presence—presence with people, with activities, with whatever’s in front of us.

    PRESENCE WITH OTHERS

    Be gracious.

    No matter what you’re dealing with in life, be gracious to others. Be grateful for what you have in your life and be willing to “pay it forward.”

    Be present with your loved ones.

    With all the distractions around us, it’s easy to get sidetracked. We may be tempted to “multi-task” by checking email or sending text messages while talking to them. But it’s so important to let your loved ones know that they’re being heard and that you value your relationship with them.

    Be present with everyone you encounter.

    Whether it’s a clerk at a grocery store, your neighbor, or a co-worker. Oprah has said that after talking to almost 30,000 people on her show, she’s found that everyone has the same desire—to know they are seen, they are heard, and that what they say matters.

    Be yourself; don’t try to impress.

    We waste a lot of time worrying about finding the right outfit or making our hair look just right to be “presentable” If you want to wear a muumuu with tennis shoes, do it!

    Nurture your friendships.

    As we grow older, it’s so important to have our friends to lean on, to cheer us up, and keep us going.

    Always have a good joke to tell.

    Everyone loves a good joke and laughter can be healing as well as contagious!

    PRESENCE WHEN IT’S NOT EASY

    Don’t sweat the small stuff.

    Know what’s absolutely important in your life and don’t get caught up in the petty things.

    Choose happiness.

    Don’t let your happiness depend on circumstances. You can decide to be happy, no matter what’s happening around you.

    Keep music in your life.

    Music can be very therapeutic and can help boost your mood. You can take a dance class, learn how to play an instrument, or just rock out at home to your favorite music.

    Let go of grudges.

    Do yourself a favor and find a way to forgive and move on. Holding on to bitterness and anger will only hurt you. It doesn’t mean you necessarily forget what happened, but forgiveness allows you to release the negative and make more room for the positive.

    It all boils down to remembering what’s important in life. And we definitely don’t have to wait until we’re retired to do that. We can decide today, no matter what we’re doing or whom we’re with, to let this moment know: yes, I see you, I hear you, and you matter.

    Photo by Alice Popkorn

  • Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Friends

    “As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I remember it like it was yesterday—sitting in the corner of a bar in Holland at a social gathering, feeling alienated because I didn’t know the people I had to mingle with. After all, they were friends of my girlfriend at the time.

    My worries had consumed me and I didn’t know where to begin. I wondered: Should I pluck up the courage to strike up a conversation, or should I withdraw?

    I realized from this experience that I lacked self-confidence.

    I was bullied as a kid, and because of my inability to connect with my peers I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games. I had no idea how to communicate, let alone show people who I really was as a person and what I had to offer.

    In the long-term, my relationships suffered, I did terrible at job interviews, and I was always misunderstood, all things that affected my self-confidence.

    I knew by my early twenties that something had to change. It seemed that everyone in my age group lived normal lives, with a great circle of friends—something that I always dreamed of having, but avoided with video games and social networking.

    I understood that I had to start doing things differently; that I should no longer refuse an invite from a friend to go out and meet new people. That I should no longer say no to potential meetings, and to at least give things a try to see what happens.

    My New Discovery

    I realized that the potential for interacting with people was all around me. I vividly remembered going to department stores with my family, seeing people who I really wanted to meet, and resisting only to regret it later.

    I knew at that moment that this was the biggest hurdle I had to deal with. If I were to simply get over my fears, my social skills and sense of self-confidence would begin to improve.

    I understood at that moment that while I had a fear of approaching and starting conversations with strangers, I could get past it.

    Slowly but surely, I did. I started taking baby steps by asking for directions and creating small talk with coffee shop baristas.

    After doing this repeatedly, I eventually found myself in a place where I could easily strike up conversations and be comfortable in new environments. Sure, I still had a long way to go in being completely natural, but I knew I was making progress.

    Fast-forward to today, my life has transformed. I no longer see people as strangers to fear; instead, I see opportunities to add value and make new friends.

    What I Learned

    The path I took was clear, and I will explain it to you as follows:

    1. Be willing to fail and get rejected.

    One of the first things I had to deal with when getting over my fears with strangers was the idea of getting rejected.

    I would always imagine the worst possible scenario of getting told to go away, and this would prevent me from talking to them. This fear faded after I got rejected a handful of times.

    I eventually understood that there was nothing to be afraid of since many of the people I’d met were indeed strangers who didn’t know me.

    Understand that rejection is part of the process and that it’s never personal. There are a multitude of reasons why some people may not be willing to talk, and often it has nothing to do with you.

    There is no way to know unless you go over and find out!

    2. Find genuine reasons to talk to people.

    What worried me the most was that I wouldn’t know what to say to people. What can you say to someone when you don’t know who they are?

    I was left with only one choice: to somehow come up with a genuinely good reason to talk to them in the first place. Maybe it was it their style. Or I was lost and looking for directions. Or  I was curious about where they were from.

    Whatever the reason, start to become observant and really think about what it is about that person you would like to find out about.

    3. Create a balance between statements and questions.

    Try to imagine how you talk to good friends. How does the conversation usually flow?

    One of the best ways to make a person feel comfortable is to balance statements and questions. Share about yourself and ask about them. Use their responses to your questions to shift the conversation toward topics they’re most comfortable with.

    4. Be positive and playful.

    As I started approaching more people and improving my communication skills, I began to see patterns in what people found comforting and what they found awkward. It was clear that most people prefer talking about uplifting topics, since most of us deal with a lot of negativity in our daily lives.

    The more I appeared warm, friendly, and playful, the more value I was providing to people. I became a beacon of positivity, which emanated out of me, and in turn, allowed others to feel the same.

    5. Be genuinely interested in people.

    When you take an interest in other people’s lives, it makes them see that you’re genuinely interested in who they are.

    What is it about them that you’re curious about? What of what you’ve already learned do you appreciate? Asking them about these things allow you to learn more about what makes them tick.

    6. Remember how happy you feel when you connect with others.

    The more I socialized, the more I started to feel a sense of happiness in myself and with others. I felt connected with society, and knew that the only way I could ever get to this place was through taking personal responsibility and getting out of my own way.

    While I can’t promise the same results as I had when taking these actions, what I can promise you is an increased sense of joy and connection with the outside world. We all want a sense of belonging. And once you find it, your sense of self-confidence will begin to flourish. 

    Photo by Austin Goldberg

  • Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Enjoying the Day

    “Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.” ~Hausa Proverb

    Gratitude, the level of gratitude that one has, varies greatly by person. You have those that are grateful for every single thing in their lives, and those that know what the word means on paper yet never practice it in their own lives.

    Then you have so many others (like myself), I call them the “in-betweeners.” We are grateful for so much but often forget this because life takes over, or so many other things are going on at once that you barely have five minutes to yourself to even drink a glass of water, let alone practice gratitude.

    And so you continue on in your day and life with thoughts and good intentions to give back more to those who are unfortunate or volunteer more—and then it doesn’t happen.

    I can vouch for this; I did this all the time. I meant well and really did want to help others, yet life takes over.

    As I ate my lunch at my desk, mindlessly reading a celebrity gossip blog, I came across something in passing. This one blogger in particular was rallying all of her followers to support her for an event she was taking part in that would help support homeless youth.

    As I read further, I came to see that this event was a sleep out, where she would sleep on the street and experience homelessness firsthand. I’m not sure why exactly, but I promised that if that event ever came to New York City I would do the same—and it did.

    With a day of hesitation that was filled with thoughts of me leaving my children overnight and questioning if I really wanted to do this, I signed up—fast, before I could change my mind.

    And so there I was, rallying my family, friends, and coworkers to help me reach the $1,000 minimum in two short weeks. I never realized how many people would actually support me; I exceeded the minimum by $200.

    Fast forward to the night of the event: I had two sick children at home and felt guilty for leaving them, but still, I walked into this event on my own without knowing a soul there.

    The organization had a schedule for the evening prior to the sleep out, when we got to meet some of the kids that we were helping that night. I met some of the most amazing kids that I have ever encountered.

    These people have endured and survived so much. Listening to their stories and having them sit directly across from me was life changing. I now had a face to associate with homeless youth and, in some instances, their homeless children.

    I heard stories of sleeping near a hospital for fear of giving birth on the streets, finding their own mother dead at the age of 16, and leaving adoptive parents that abused them and suffering a stroke at the age of 18, due to stress.

    The life experiences of these kids cannot compare to so many of us, and yet I felt so connected and privileged to be able to help them in any way.

    After our meetings, we retreated to the sidewalk that we would be sleeping on, which emulated what so many face nightly. We got our cardboard boxes, sleeping bag, and trash bag for insulation and laid down to sleep.

    And that is when it happened—my “aha” moment. As I laid there among strangers who were all doing this for the same cause, it hit me: I am more than fortunate! I have healthy children, a loving husband, a warm bed that is ours, a refrigerator that, thankfully, is filled with food, a home—the list goes on and on.

    These are things that I have almost have come to expect, yet they are not owed to any of us.

    My entire perspective changed. How dare I complain about not having those shoes I saw at some store or that the grocery store didn’t have the one item I needed or whatever thing it is that annoyed me and wasted my time.

    I see things differently, because from this experience I am different now. I am more mindfully grateful for everything, and in turn I have seen the beauty in so much that I have missed before.

    I am a new person on the inside. I am grateful and more determined to make the time I am given much more meaningful. Now that I know better, I need to do better.

    This event was just the start for me. I am actively looking for new and inventive ways to give back.

    Look around and be grateful for the smallest things. Once you become more mindful of it, your world starts to change.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • How to Deal With Change When Change Is Hard

    How to Deal With Change When Change Is Hard

    Change is in the Air

    “You must welcome change as the rule but not your ruler” ~Denis Waitley

    My name is Hannah, and I find it hard to deal with change.

    As much as I used to want to think of myself as flexible and easy-going, I struggle to live up to these ideals. I like to know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and to have my near future mapped out in lists, to-dos, and ideas. In short, I do whatever I can to minimize the level of uncertainty in my life.

    My discomfort around uncertainty means I am usually very decisive. In some ways this has been beneficial; for example, it’s allowed me to make hard decisions that I might have otherwise been tempted to avoid or delay.

    In other ways, it’s been a disadvantage, especially when I’ve prioritized removing my discomfort above anything else, and made decisions without having all the information I really needed first.

    Historically, when life’s ups and downs have left me feeling uncertain, I’ve done whatever I need to do to regain my sense of control. Keeping my options open or “going with the flow” provokes feelings of restlessness, impatience, and eventually frustration; after all, why leave things up to chance when you could have a plan?

    My relationship with change, well, changed at the end of last year, when my partner and I embarked on a seven-month trip around South America and Mexico. Over the past few months, I have experienced different cultures, climates, environments, people, food, languages, and many more changes than I could have imagined.

    During the first couple of months, I discovered a lot about my need for control, and how it affects my day-to-day experience. Working through this, I’ve learned to find a balance between meeting that need, and flowing with the many changes that come from moving between different places, countries, and cultures.

    Here are five elements that have been invaluable in this process of adapting to change:

    1. Learn to differentiate between what you can and can’t control.

    One of the most important lessons I learned early on in my travels was the difference between factors I could control and factors I couldn’t control. For example, I could control whether I left enough time to get to an airport or a bus station to catch my next connection to a different city or country; however, I couldn’t control whether that plane or bus actually left on time.

    As well as learning to place events in their rightful control-related categories, I learned to appreciate the importance of acceptance, and the emotional freedom this provides. Once I accepted that I couldn’t control some changes, I felt less anxious about them.

    2. Keep a journal.

    Keeping a diary or journal has been one of the most helpful activities for processing the changes I’ve experienced.

    During my trip, I’ve embraced my morning pages routine (writing 3 A4 pages, or approximately 750 words stream-of-consciousness, as described by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way). This has helped me keep a record of the many things I’ve seen and experienced, and has also helped me recognize a strong limiting belief.

    Through keeping a journal, I’ve realized that my aversion to change was based on a fear that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. Reflecting on some of the experiences I’ve had and the way I’ve processed them, however, I recognized that I actually have far more internal strength than I previously gave myself credit for.

    3. Develop routines, even small ones.

    Developing small routines and habits has helped me stay grounded and connected to myself. In turn, this has enabled me to feel more accepting of other changes happening around me.

    As well as morning pages, I have developed other routines (such as having the same breakfast most days and dedicating Saturday mornings to learning Spanish), that have helped meet my need for consistency and stability.

    When it feels like everything else around us is in flux, finding small comforts to hold on to can make all the difference in how we process and deal with other changes in our lives.

    4. Connect with others who are sharing a similar experience.

    Talking to other travelers and hearing about their experience of long-term travel has helped me realize that I’m not alone in how I feel. Change is hard, even if you’ve volunteered for it. As one friend said to me a few days ago: “Just because you’ve chosen to do this doesn’t mean it has to be perfect.”

    Talking to people back home about the struggles I’ve encountered has felt hard. Part of me feels guilty complaining about enormous bugs and travel sickness when people back home are enduring a freakishly cold winter and still doing the 9 to 5. But fellow travelers understand, and knowing that I’m not alone has helped me accept some of the more negative aspects of the changes I’ve experienced.

    5. Take care of your basic needs.

    Taking care of your basic needs is absolutely crucial if you are in a period of change. These needs are like the foundations of our physical and mental health; without them, we’re unlikely to be able to process additional challenges in a healthy way.

    My non-negotiables are sleep, hygiene, exercise, and healthy food. When I have these things, I am a happy camper and can deal with external changes far more easily. When I don’t have them, my tolerance levels drop, I feel stressed and I find it hard to flow with other changes that are happening around me.

    Your basic needs might be similar to mine, or they might be different. When you’re able to identify and prioritize them, however, you give yourself a much better chance of encountering change with minimal stress and anxiety.

    What are your tips for dealing with change? Leave a comment and let us know.

  • Create Purpose and Happiness by Being Useful to People

    Create Purpose and Happiness by Being Useful to People

    Helping

    “What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.” ~the Dalai Lama

    One of the beautiful things about being an intuitive reader is that people are willing to go very deep very quickly. Vulnerability, shame, fear, and hope are all active players at a table set with Tarot cards. Often people start out their first session with me warning that “You might get bored, this is just another love drama.”

    Of course I never do get bored—everyone has a unique and precious story and I feel honored to share in them, period.

    Besides, underneath every question that’s related to the future, or an attempt to figure out our relationships or heart hurts is the most fundamental question of all: “Why am I here? To what end and for what purpose? What am I supposed to be doing right now?”

    This is why in my work I always focus on where we are, right here and right now, because that is the most important thing to understand, and oddly, sometimes the thing that’s easiest to lose sight of—our here and our now.

    I see it again and again with others and I know that it is true with myself: we ask questions about the future not because we want to control it, but because we are trying to figure out how we can live our best lives in this single, grace-filled, present moment.

    Talk about pressure.

    As a little girl and a young woman growing up in traditional South Central Texas, I was taught early and often that I could never expect a man to make me happy; I would have to provide that (and everything else) for myself.

    Solid, safe, and sensible advice for sure, especially in a time when the women in my family watched mothers, sisters, and friends get trapped into loveless relationships and marriages.

    Self-reliance was smarter and safer; after all, if the only person I really relied on was myself, how great were the chances that I would get hurt? Of course, college and my early twenties were a crash course in how a self-reliant life strategy, while helpful in some ways, is no guardian against pain and emotional difficulties.

    And now that I have been with the same man for ten years and a mom to the most amazing little boy for two, I have had the limitations of the “find happiness within yourself” driven home.

    It continues to be a safe and sensible approach, at least on one level, but I’m not sure how solid it is, and I’m pretty sure that safe and sensible are not the keys that open doors of greater understanding, wisdom, and joy.

    Perhaps we are ultimately responsible for our own joy, but happiness is found and purpose derived from being in relationship to others—being in relationship with all the messiness, drama, kindness, frustration, and delight that any good relationship entails.

    This is one reason why, whenever we feel that a relationship is going badly or may be on the brink of ending we panic: because we recognize that the joy in our lives is found through connecting with and being kind to others.

    This is something we can do whether we’re in a romantic relationship or not.

    We can be of service to others, not by just noting what we can do for someone else but by actually doing it. To put it another way, as the Dalai Lama so wisely said, being useful.

    So often we think of “being useful,” especially when the Dalai Lama says it, as feeding thousands, healing hundreds, and compassionately embracing our enemies.

    I firmly believe that these great and lofty acts are built on a daily practice of awareness, noticing what might have gone unnoticed—the older woman fumbling with her purse in front of you at the check out line when you are in a hurry, the quiet kid in the corner, the fact that your friends know when you are not really listening, and are hurt by that knowledge—and acting upon it.

    Relate. Connect. Be useful. Be happy.

    Our first acts of usefulness are usually close to home—calling your grandmother not for a special occasion but just to say, “Hi. I remember you and I love you.”

    Really seeing and bearing witness to your child: being present with them, not on the computer, not on your smart phone—with them. Forgiving your dad…for whatever. Holding your beloved in an embrace that lasts longer than it has to because you have the time and it feels so good.

    The interesting thing about being useful is that it cannot come into being by itself. We are useful when we are in relationship to honor someone else. In fact, I think of usefulness as the devotion of being in relationship.

    We know ourselves in a deeper and truer way through serving, loving, and being present with others. We are not rocks, not islands—we are connection, kindness, and underneath it all joy.

    You want purpose? Go be a blessing in the world and joy will be fast on your heels.

    Photo by Steve Evans

  • 3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go

    3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go

    “The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.” ~Pema Chodron

    Forgiveness is good, right? I don’t mean in a heal the planet kind of way—I mean in a selfish, me me me kind of way.

    We want to let go of our resentments and connect with people genuinely. We want to feel happy and contented, full of love for ourselves and those around us. We want to run, carefree, through the fields in a pretty cotton dress, not sit around in our pajamas, twisted with bitterness.

    But how do you experience genuine forgiveness and stop feeling resentful? Because it’s one thing to know it intellectually but another to actually feel it. Like, in your bones.

    A few years ago, in an effort to “get over things,” here’s what I did:

    I read. I saw a therapist. I journaled. I even did the thing where you write down your hurt feelings, burn the piece of paper, and poof, up they all go.

    (I also did the one where you put your “angry feelings” in the freezer to help you calm down.)

    And sure. I felt a little better.

    But I was a long way from getting out my sundress and Googling “field with long grass to run through.” There was still that nagging thought: if they hadn’t done (blah de blah) then I wouldn’t have to deal with this.

    And it’s confusing—if you forgive, does it mean someone’s off the hook?

    It’s as if one bit of your brain is saying “It’s all good” and the other bit is saying, “Ah, I don’t think so, mister.” And in a way, this is exactly what is happening.

    Trying to forgive someone is like trying to give up smoking; until you change your underlying beliefs it’s almost impossible.

    Most smoking cessation campaigns focus on the effects. The images are frightening but they rarely change behavior.

    The most successful technique to stop smoking is Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It was how Ellen, Ashton, and I quit.

    So how does Carr succeed where squillions of health promotion dollars fail?

    It’s simple. Carr explains that cigarettes don’t elevate you to some higher plane, like most smokers think. The nicotine just raises you up to where non-smokers are naturally and then drops you back down, almost seconds after your last puff.

    The belief at the heart of why smokers don’t want to stop is they’ll miss out on the relaxing feelings. But Carr shows, give up smoking and feeling good becomes the norm. He flips the old belief.

    And this is what we need to do when dealing with the slippery fish of forgiveness. We need to flip the beliefs that make it seem difficult.

    I used to see forgiveness as something you did. A verb. Now, I see it more as a noun—something that occurs naturally when you understand the truth about your thoughts and feelings.  

    Here are my 3 Carr-like forgiveness “belief flippers” that have helped me not only let go of hurt feelings but deepen my sense of well-being.

    Admittedly, the bigger the hurt, the more challenging this gets. My hunch is these ideas might help the thing you’re trying to let go of.

    1. Your thoughts cause your feelings.

    A few years ago during an intensely challenging personal time, a good friend of mine told me she no longer wanted to be friends. It touched something deep within me, and for a long time I saw her actions as hurtful.

    But then I realized two things:

    First, I was being supremely self-centered by not considering what it was like for her.

    And second, the real reason I was upset had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. She hadn’t done anything to me, really, but my “I’m not good enough” radar was going off big time.

    My hurt feelings were due to what I thought of myself deep down. (I say “deep down” because not so deep down, I’d convinced myself I was awesome).

    If my sense of self-worth had been rock-solid, I would’ve more easily seen her side of things. Yes, I would have missed her, but I wouldn’t have taken it personally and felt heart broken.

    Your feelings are the result of what you tell yourself about what happened. It’s your thinking causing your pain.

    Which in practical terms means you need to stop blaming others for how you feel.

    2. The art of just noticing.

    So if thinking is the cause of icky feelings, you should change your thoughts, right? Or at least figure out where they come from?

    This is a common belief. But it’s also, I believe, the hardest way. Here’s what I think is a better option:

    Rather than try and think a different thought, like gratitude, or even forgiveness, just notice your thoughts without getting caught up in them.

    Once I understood I was the creator of my own feelings, this is what I did. And for years, on the odd occasion the topic of my friend came up I’d burst into tears, but always I’d be thinking, “Wow, am I really still working through that?” Almost as if I were a bystander.

    And guess what? Over time, my sad feelings lessened and my genuine love grew. Not just for my friend, but for me too.

    By not judging my feelings or blaming them on anyone else there’s been a shift in something much bigger—my sense of self worth has got stronger.

    It’s not like I don’t get upset anymore. Cripes no. I do. But knowing that my feelings are “my bad,” I rarely take it personally. The sting has gone.

    3. Consider that there’s nothing to forgive.

    Over the years I’ve thought about the shift that happens when we go from feeling angry and hurt to loving and peaceful.

    Are we learning forgiveness or do we simply reach a point where we now see there was nothing to forgive in the first place?

    Is forgiveness so tricky because the real “cotton dress running through the fields” feeling we’re after only comes once we realize there’s nothing to forgive??

    To help me wrap my head around this I find it helpful to consider the larger picture. As in, outer space large:

    I imagine a kinder, wiser and more compassionate version of myself sitting on the moon, perhaps kicking back on a deck chair drinking a margarita with Alice Kramden, looking down and watching, as the earthly me muddles my way through life…

    Watching myself hold onto dodgy beliefs and making some epic mistakes.

    Watching children around me born into challenging times and how this affects their sense of self-worth and how easily this passes on to others.

    Watching us all learning to love ourselves unconditionally—trying, failing, and even succeeding, as we do.

    And I figure this wise margarita-drinking self would conclude that everyone in their own unique way was doing their best.

    And when you think about it, if everyone’s doing their best, what’s to forgive—doing your best? 

    Toss around the idea: “Forgiveness is understanding there’s nothing to forgive.” It’s big, but when it sinks in, it really helps. And check this out…

    Forgiveness is understanding. There’s nothing to forgive.

    Woman begging for forgiveness image via Shutterstock