Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Tiny Buddha’s Recreate Your Life Story eCourse Launches Today!

    Tiny Buddha’s Recreate Your Life Story eCourse Launches Today!

    Recreate Your Life Story Logo

    If you’re new to the site, you may be wondering who I am. Hi there! I’m Lori, and I’m the founder of Tiny Buddha.

    If you’re not new to the site, you may be wondering where I’ve been, since I haven’t written much lately.

    There are a few reasons for that. For one, I’ve focused a lot more on curating and editing blog posts from other community members. Secondly, I’ve been traveling, as I mentioned in a post in April.

    But aside from that, I’ve spent the last several months working on my first ever eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the Hero, with my partner Ehren Prudhel.

    The last time I remember feeling this excited was September 9, 2009. It was the day tinybuddha.com first appeared on the web—then a site with just a few pages, a handful of quotes, and only two other blog contributors.

    After spending more than a decade depressed, isolated, and anxious, and several more years in a process of self-discovery, I felt that unique blend of exhilaration and fear that comes from finally trying something new and putting yourself out there.

    Now, nearly four years later, the site has grown into a community of more than 650 writers and millions of readers—all connected by a common intention to embrace wisdom and growth.

    I believe this course I’m presenting to you today can be a powerful tool to support those intentions.

    It’s a fun, creative course blending self-help and film that can help you let go of the past so you can feel free, happy, and unlimited in the present—and confident about creating the future.

    There’s a whole lot more about the course at recreateyourlifestory.com, including the brand new trailer:

    Interested in learning more? Visit me at recreateyourlifestory.com!

  • Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Jumping

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Dennis Waitley

    We often see success stories about people who have achieved something big. They inspire us and on some level show us that it is possible to achieve our goals.

    However, they rarely help us deal with what goes on in the middle, the point in between starting something new, when we’re full of energy and excitement, and actually succeeding.

    That middle part is generally not pretty. How do you tackle that middle bit?

    Let’s say you’ve taken that first step toward a big dream of yours. You’ve created your own blog, signed up for that course, or announced your intention to start singing professionally, write a book, or start a business.

    You’re so enthusiastic about the project, and you smile when you think about the future.

    Then suddenly a question or two pops up in your head, stopping you dead in your tracks. Freezing you, sucking away all that enthusiasm and energy you started with.

    “Am I good enough?”

    “Can I really make this work?”

    “Am I too old for this?”

    “Do I have enough experience?”

    “Do I know what I’m letting myself in for here?”

    “What if I fail?”

    “Am I making a fool of myself?”

    Sound familiar?

    If you are doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, chances are you have heard a version of these questions in your head.

    These questions are nothing but our mind’s strategy to keep us stuck where we are, to stop us from taking risks, to help us avoid danger.

    It’s a remnant of a mind that has yet to catch up with the super-fast changes our lives have gone through in the last 100,000 years. The same strategy would have kept us in our caves all those years ago now stops us from doing what we’d love to.

    The problem is that when we’re busy dwelling on these questions, we’re wasting our mind’s energy. We’re not engaging it to think creatively, or to spot opportunities or to help us overcome the challenges we face along the way.

    We’re focusing south when we really want to go north. So what do we do about it?

    1. The most important thing is to be aware of these questions when they come up.

    Chances are you won’t start by hearing the question but instead you will feel a sudden sinking sensation, a loss of hope or of energy. You might start thinking that the whole idea is stupid or silly or not worth the effort. In short, your state will change. With practice you can become aware of when that changing state happens.

    2. Once you become aware of this change, take a moment to explore what you were thinking.

    This is when you are likely to discover that you were making a statement or asking a question that is taking your focus south, instead of north.

    3. Ask yourself: “Is this question or statement helping me move forward?”

    4. If the answer is no, follow up with “What question can I replace it with that will help me move forward?”

    Here’s an example of how this strategy has helped me in my life.

    Twelve years ago I was working as a Business Psychologist with the BBC. As my experience grew I was asked to start running some training courses for different departments in the organization.

    I remember quaking with fear at the idea. I had countless sleepless nights, serious palpitations, and bouts of anxiety. I was incredibly scared of standing in front of a crowd. It felt awful, but I knew this was something I really wanted to do, so I persevered.

    With time I realized that the questions I was asking myself were taking me south. Questions like “Am I good enough?” “Who wants to listen to me?” “What if I forget what I’m meant to say?”

    They were just unhelpful. I worked hard to become more aware of them, and eventually I changed them. I started asking myself “How can I make this interesting?” “How do I keep my audience engaged?” “How much practice do I need to do to feel confident about the material?”

    As my questions changed, my feelings changed, as did my performance. The major reason was that now I was focusing north, which was where I wanted to go.

    Today, I spend most of my week training groups and I also train other trainers. If someone had told me I would be doing this 12 years ago, I would have laughed.

    This strategy has had a major impact on my life and on any projects I work on. It is one of the key tools I use to help others keep motivated and moving forward. I hope it has the same effect on you.

    What questions are taking you south? And what will you change them to, to start heading north?

    Photo by Zigg-E

  • 7 Ways to be Happy from the Inside Out

    7 Ways to be Happy from the Inside Out

    Happy

    “All appears to change when we change.” ~Henri-Frédéric Amiel

    We often start from the outside to try to make change on the inside. Scratch that. We pretty much always start from the outside, thinking it will make changes on the inside.

    I am the retired queen of looking externally for internal satisfaction. I spent my most high-stress decade driven by a tantalizing dream. I wanted to be a magazine editor-in-chief, with an all-white office complete with a leather sofa, my name on a parking spot, and legions of underlings at my beckon call.

    Pretty deep, hey?

    And when I was 25, I was nearly there. I had edited the high school yearbook and newspaper, completed a university degree in communications with a major in magazine editing, worked at three unpaid internships, and then, eight months after I got hired at a magazine, was promoted to assistant editor.

    Thankfully, the universe is always conspiring for our highest good, and the highest good of all. So although I had made it, I was miserable. I couldn’t sleep properly or digest properly, and my stress was through the roof. I promptly had a quarter life crisis.

    All hail the power of our bodies to tell us when we’re off course. Our bodies can’t lie. And mine wasn’t willing to pretend that this was the place for me.

    When I quit my job my official reason for leaving was “to help people live healthier, happier lives.” I’d felt the immeasurable power and peace that came from listening to the part of me that could guide me to my happiest, most fulfilling life, and I wasn’t willing to let her down anymore.

    I wanted to be of service, to make a difference in people’s lives, and to make a difference in the world. So I spent the next six years doing communications work and copy writing for health and wellness-related companies.

    Today, I teach other people how to live their own liberated lives—deeply and uniquely happy, being who they want to be and living the lives they want to live.

    Life is more beautiful, more exciting, more fulfilling, and beyond anything I ever dreamed. I get to make a difference in people’s lives and a difference in the world. And I am happier than I ever imagined.

    Here are seven things I’ve learned about being happy from the inside out:

    1. Don’t listen to everyone.

    They don’t know what’s best for you—they know what their own fears, past experiences, and imaginings are dictating about the future. Your future can be completely different than everyone else’s.

    2. Notice when you’re imagining.

    We spend a lot of time imagining the worst—or if not the worst, then something we don’t want. Call it worry, call it stress, call it temporary insanity. What it comes down to is something that isn’t real. Nothing we think about happening in the future is real—it’s just in our heads. So when you catch yourself imagining the terrible, don’t.

    3. Remember that reality’s a good place to hang out.

    Right here, right now, whatever we’ve imagined the worst about isn’t actually happening. Ahh. Big exhale. Take a look around. See those windows, that person you like, the sun shining, or the rain falling? It’s good here. This is real.

    4. Change the channel.

    Your mind is the TV, and you’ve got the remote. Just like CNN headlines scrolling across the bottom of your TV screen, your mind scrolls out dramatized thoughts. Don’t like what you’re seeing? Change the channel, and pick one that lifts you up. Remembering good times or past successes is better than imagining bad times or failures.

    5. Go beyond your mind.

    The non-verbal part of our brain processes about 40 bits of information per second. Pretty impressive. The verbal part of our brain processes about 8 to 11 million bits of information per second. So when your thoughts are telling you things are bad, check in with your body. It’s communicating to you a bigger picture.

    6. Ask yourself, “Does it feel like freedom?”

    If you’re body feels tight, tense, stressed, or just plain shackled down, it’s giving you some very strong “no” signals. When you’re doing what’s right for you, it feels in your body like freedom.

    7. Prioritize your happiness.

    It’s not selfish. It’s your destiny, your dharma, and your purpose for being on this planet. It’s the greatest gift you can give to the world.

    Photo by Antara

  • Learn to Love and Accept Yourself, Wherever You Go

    Learn to Love and Accept Yourself, Wherever You Go

    Man and the sun

    “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Confucius

    The sweat of my palms saturated our boarding tickets. Even as I stepped onto the plane, I still could not entirely believe we were doing it.

    My husband and I finished our master’s degrees and instead of immediately securing jobs, buying a house, and starting a family, we decided to travel.

    We thought escaping our lives was living on the wild side—rediscovering ourselves. Well, at least that’s what I thought.

    I lived in Spain during my undergraduate degree ten yeas ago and had ceaselessly fixated on the idea about returning ever since.

    I longed for the days of dipping churros in chocolate once more and sipping on the local morning brew, café con leche. I daydreamed of sharing pitcher after pitcher of chilled sangria with my husband and the neighboring couples dining to our left and our right.

    In the midst of my most vivid daydreams, I heard the cries, olé olé as the bullring radiated with history and pride.

    I had created such an idea of how I’d imaged our lives that I completely forgot the reality of the situation. 

    I convinced my husband to sell most of our items and put the remaining personal belongings in storage while we set off to Europe. I believed downsizing and emptying ourselves of these excessive items would really make things better.

    I was blind to the fact that Spain had changed so much in ten years—I had changed so much in ten years.

    We arrived tired but eager to explore the land of paradise I had talked about for a decade—but Spain had another plan for us. Spain wanted to remind me that I would not return to be the person I once was.

    Everything had changed, and what was most shocking, my views about Spain had changed.

    Because my eating habits grew as predictable as my daily gym routine, the bread and potatoes that I once loved certainly did not agree with my finicky body.

    My stomach, accustomed to mostly spinach, fresh fish (which we could not always afford), and organic green salads did not adjust to the Spanish cuisine as it had in the past.

    But this was supposed to be perfect, I thought. I’d overlooked the fact that my body’s rejection of what I was eating was a symbol of something deeper.

    No longer in my twenties, I realized I required much more sleep than I once needed. The long, amorous nights I once spent partying until the sun rose had been replaced with quiet nights of exhaustion and the stress of organizing plans to the next hostel.

    There were a number of other changes, such as living in hotels and hostels instead of with a host family. Little by little, each of these external factors pointed directly to the core of my very being.

    Escaping to Spain would not make me disappear. My husband and I still bickered over who had the better set of directions and where we should eat for dinner. Even throughout the many Kodak moments, I still found myself experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety.

    But this was not supposed to happen, I thought, still discarding the sobering reality of my dream trip. Spain was supposed to solve all my problems!

    We dashed over to Portugal and Ireland, and while these beautiful places are forever sealed inside our hearts, we still experienced many of the same challenges. It wasn’t until returning home and letting our lives literally settle back down that I started to gain a shocking perspective.

    The trip to Europe taught me to zero-in on myself. It was not the country in which I lived, not the town I visited, not the house in which I slept, or the room in which I sat, but all the way down into my own heart I began to understand there was nowhere else to run.

    I learned the blatant lesson that happiness begins and ends within me.

    The trip taught me that any time I am uncomfortable, I must ask what is not pleasing me in that moment. It shattered my sense of self and my dreams, which graciously reminded me that over-fantasizing is often an escape from current situations. 

    It taught me how excess imagination about the future is different from goal setting, which separates us from the beauty of what is available to us now. It taught me to find the joys in the present moment, to enjoy where I live, the community around me.

    When I yearn to reach out for something—buying an item of clothing, wanting to take a trip—I ask my heart why I think this item will please me. Am I grasping onto something deeper?

    While this is an extreme case of the inability to escape oneself, we all experience this in our lives in various ways. We think if we get a new job, our fear of failure will disappear only to discover it is heightened with our new role.

    We think if we get a new boyfriend or girlfriend it will turn out like the fairytale stories we hoped, only to discover our insecurities have followed us into the new relationship.

    We can point the finger to bosses, jobs, relationships, even cultures, but until we turn the finger back to ourselves, we will face a life of pain and constant struggle.

    In each situation, we must ask, what am I learning from this? What is this telling me about myself?

    We are such beautiful and complicated creatures. No technology in the world can tap into the mystery of the heart, of the soul, of our dreams.

    Wherever you go in your day—to the grocery store or to a new city, to a friend’s home or a different room of the house—be grateful that you will never escape yourself.

    Be grateful that you have this lifetime to learn to love and accept yourself.

    In a world so full of travel and movement, it is important we take a moment to pause and reflect on the sacredness of stillness and quietude within ourselves.

    It is my wish that we can all sit comfortably in a chair someday as we soften in body and in heart, full of gray hairs and wrinkles—that we may smile widely from each memory contributing to our wear and know we really have nowhere to go.

    Everything we need has been inside us from the start.

    Photo by Kerry

  • Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Let Go

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    We are all familiar with the concept of “releasing the past.”

    As one who has experienced lots of events in my life that I’ve been anxious, at times, to let go of, I’m very familiar with this concept.

    We want to be present to fully experience everything in our lives, without being tethered to what has already occurred; we want to be ready, willing, and in the moment so we can take what comes at its face value. (Just in case you’re wondering, for me it’s a work in progress!)

    We do not want to evaluate our current and future experiences based on a past that we may, or may not have, enjoyed.

    I didn’t start to seriously consider my own desire to let go of the past until I came out of a really bad relationship.

    Part of my personal process of healing was some intense internal questioning and exploration of the experience. I started considering what I might actually want from a relationship, and what qualities I’d prefer in a partner.

    I realized I was thinking of what I wanted in terms of what I didn’t want.

    These “don’t wants” were all things I’d already experienced in the previous relationship. I recognized that I was actually anxious and nervous at the idea of the “don’t wants” occurring again, and that’s when I realized it was time to let go.

    This experience, and others, also helped me to realize that the desire to “release the past” is at odds with the common admonishment that we learn from it.

    When we are small, we learn by trying over and over (and sometimes over and over and over) again. We did not use a spoon correctly on the first attempt; nor did we walk without falling on our diapered butts many times. This is an absolutely normal part of the learning process.

    We were not born with the tendency to judge ourselves for how many times over we try; that came later. At some point, “attempts” became “mistakes,” and the self-judgment kicked in.

    This occurs in conjunction with recognizing the cultural belief that responsible people learn from their mistakes. This is a concept we value very highly in our human tribe. There is often great negative judgment placed on people who, it is perceived, make the same “mistakes” over and over.

    Most of us want to avoid feeling judged (by ourselves and others) and the unpleasant emotions that come with it, so we readily accept that we must learn from our errors.

    One of the ways we try to do this is by maintaining the related images and inner dialogue of the past in our present consciousness. Think of it as the past being front and center, right in our faces.

    It’s tough to let go of something that we are also maintaining a hold on so we do not forget it, and therefore repeat it.

    How can we move forward, both with releasing the past, and learning from it?

    Self-acceptance.

    When we consciously desire to let go of an old experience, what we are often actually saying is, “I’m not okay with what happened and I want to pretend it never occurred.” Not a lot of acceptance in that sentence, self or otherwise.

    What if we replace it with, “I’m not happy with what happened, but I accept that it did, it’s done, and I trust myself enough to leave it in the past, where it is.”

    Re-framing the “I’m not okay…” phrase with a little self-acceptance has a very different sound and feel.

    Similarly, it’s tough to learn from our mistakes when we are busy beating ourselves up over them.

    Acceptance of whatever occurred (your own bad behavior or someone else’s) can ease the process.

    There is a huge difference between learning from one’s mistakes and constantly berating oneself about said mistakes in an effort not to repeat them.

    I think we all want to live in the now—enjoying, noticing, appreciating, learning, and embracing our lives without the miscellaneous paraphernalia of the past coloring our perspectives and creating expectations that don’t support us.

    Stepping fully into the present is a wonderful gift to give ourselves. What are some tools you’ve found helpful when letting go of the past?

    Photo by truds09

  • Let the Energy of Unhappiness Power Your Purpose

    Let the Energy of Unhappiness Power Your Purpose

    Energy

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    The summer of 2007 was simply terrible. I wish I could find something positive to say about it but there really was nothing that I can think of. I was underemployed, the economy was tanking, and I was in a shame spiral of depression and self-hatred.

    Following a fight with my husband, I found myself driving aimlessly, snot and tears running down my face. I’m not comfortable saying I was on a mission to stop living, but the thought had definitely crossed my mind.

    It was just a bank advertisement that caught my eye as I drove, but seeing the billboard took my breath away. “YOU MATTER.” The image of those huge letters is burned into my mind.

    I wish I could say that billboard changed my life in a big way. It didn’t. But what it did do was change my life in a subtle way. The four years that followed that day in 2007 were similarly difficult. I was depressed, borderline alcoholic, and more deeply unhappy than I thought possible.

    But somewhere in the back of my mind was the image of those letters: “YOU MATTER.”

    By the fall of 2011 I hit my low point and I sought conventional counseling. I can attest that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. But there was a secondary emotional and spiritual journey that made an equally important impact on the quality of my life.

    That journey started with the image of the billboard coming back to me in moments of quiet. At first, I couldn’t help asking “Do I really matter?” whenever I thought of those words.

    Slowly, but surely, the answer became “Yes, I do matter!” Eventually it was not only “I MATTER!” but also “Maybe I have a purpose!”

    Professional help is so incredibly beneficial. But the truth is, it lifts a veil that reveals unexpected “stuff” to deal with. There were times when this felt like a vicious cycle to me.

    In other words, depression and anxiety… seek professional help… uncover some inner junk… inner junk causes unhappiness and despair… circle back to depression and anxiety.

    So, what can you do about that vicious cycle? What’s the point of having a purpose when you’re caught in a whirlwind of your own issues? The best way to describe the solution I found was to snag the energy from that cycle and harness its power for better things.

    The thing is, unhappiness and despair take energy. In fact any emotion takes energy, but unhappiness often feels like hard physical labor. Would you rather wear yourself out on something unproductive, or use your energy to do something productive?

    In order to harness the energy of your unhappiness and despair, remember that the energy isn’t a bad thing. It just is.

    If you subscribe to the theory that the whole universe consists of energy that is neither good nor bad, it’s easier to imagine a shift in more productive use of your energy.

    Think of emotional energy like an electrical wire. If a live wire is broken and lying in the street it is useless at best, and quite dangerous at worst. But when it is properly connected it provides us with power to make our lives easier.

    My spiritual and emotional journey led me to wonder if I could unhook the metaphorical power line feeding my unhappiness and install it somewhere else. What if I fed that energy into something productive? Something with a purpose?

    Connecting your energy to a purpose can take many forms. Throughout my own emotional and spiritual healing, I focused on hobbies. I learned that knitting can be incredibly meditative. I also improved my yoga practice.

    Carrying for a loved one or a pet, tackling a challenging project (cluttered closets, rejoice!), working for a social/community cause, or learning a new skill are other positive ways of diverting energy away from unhappiness.

    Taking the first step toward using your energy differently can sometimes be a challenge. Finding the motivation to pull yourself away from your own “stuff” to use your energy elsewhere can require some ingenuity.

    It helps to get in the habit of seeking that motivation to invest yourself in something new. In each day there is always at least one opportunity to be inspired. At least one chance to be reminded that you are not alone and that you matter.

    It may be subtle. It may be fleeting. But it is important to seize that moment and use it to leverage the energy you have at your disposal. Once you start looking, it becomes easier and easier to find those moments.

    Today I was feeling a bit melancholy. But I noticed the sky was an exquisite shade of blue and the sun was warm and bright. I was grateful to have witnessed that beauty.

    I held that moment in my mind and used it to channel the energy of my sadness toward a more useful purpose. In this case, it was my writing goals for the day. I felt much better for accomplishing something.

    Look at unhappiness and despair as opportunities. Start by revising your understanding of energy and know that it’s a free agent. Then, look for a beautiful moment in each day to serve as a reminder, and direct your energy toward doing something with purpose.

    Don’t forget to plant that roadside billboard in your mind. YOU MATTER—let it become your reminder!

    Photo by Crysis Rubel

  • When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    I have always defined my life by my career. I think that was my first mistake.

    For the last six years, I worked at a publicity firm in Los Angeles.

    It was a job where your email is the first thing you check in the morning before getting out of bed. A job where you are on your phone while eating your dinner. A job where your boss calls you out of a funeral in order to send out a press release. Frequent travel, evening events to attend, and not a lot of free time. Not any free time.

    The problem was that this job became my life. I went from work, to home, to bed, each day.

    Seven months ago, I quit my job. In fact, not only did I quit my job, I moved out of my Los Angeles apartment and hopped on a one-way flight to Puerto Rico all in one week.

    I had met someone who opened my eyes to thinking differently and who let me see that I should try and find a life where I was happy.

    I realized that this job was not bringing me the life that I wanted to experience. My hair was falling out due to stress; I had migraines each week. My doctor even advised for a change.

    My first weeks in Puerto Rico were paradise. I lay on the beach, learned to dive, and got on a surfboard. I went to waterfalls, drank pina coladas, and I was in love. Soon, however, I started to come down off my high. I started to get anxiety.

    I realized what happened. When I took away my job, I took away 90% of the only thing I knew to be my life. I had a big hole inside of me now. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, what my hobbies were, or who I was as a person.

    Keeping busy through work never allowed me time to think about things like that. Now that I had no job filling my time, I was overwhelmed with thinking. The thinking soon led to over-analyzing, which then led to anxiety.

    I woke up each day with a knot in my stomach. What was I doing? Am I going to be happy today? What am I going to do for a career? What is my life going to be like in Puerto Rico?

    Often I would worry that my new relationship would fail. My boyfriend fell in love with me because of my independence, my drive, and my passion—all of which he observed through my former job. Now that the job was gone, I felt I had lost all of those traits as well and that he soon would fall out of love with me.

    What I came to realize was that “I” was not my career. That wasn’t what defined me. I still had all of those traits and more. I was putting these thoughts and worries into my head that didn’t need to be there.

    People fantasize about living on a tropical island. Seeing the ocean each morning when you wake up. Walking beaches with not a single other person on the sand. So why, in the land of paradise, was I causing myself so much worry and stress?

    If I couldn’t cease my worries here, I certainly had no hope anywhere else.

    So I made it my mission to not take life so seriously and to learn to be present each day in order to find happiness within myself and for my new life. These were my daily mantras:

    1. Give yourself some credit.

    I took a big risk when I quit my job. I took an even bigger risk moving to an island. Rather than being down on myself for not having a career at the moment or not feeling like my life has a purpose, I give myself credit for the little things: learning Spanish a bit more, attempting to surf, taking pilates each week at a local studio, meeting new people.

    When you are focusing on what you see as bad things, you are preventing the good from shining through.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take ten minutes of meditation time each day and thank yourself for it afterward. Get up early and make a healthy breakfast. Talk to someone new in line at the coffee shop. Notice the little things you are already doing each day for yourself.

    2. Stop thinking so much.

    Think of nothing for two whole minutes. Clear your mind. Don’t put effort into thinking about things that haven’t happened yet. It will just cause you worry. It’s too much for one little mind and it’s a waste of your time and energy.

    I still catch myself in a whirlwind of thoughts each day and every time this happens, I stop, I take three deep breaths, I think about something positive, and I smile. There is always a reason to smile and less of a reason to worry.

    3. It’s okay to take a break.

    My family asked me why I was wasting a college degree and why I spent my 401k to move to an island. I didn’t have a straight answer for them, but I did know that I worked harder than I ever had for six years of my life, for almost twelve hours each day and put up with a lack of appreciation for what I did.

    So it was okay if I took some time to do nothing. You don’t have to be achieving scientific discovery every day. It’s okay to take time to simply be and to experience life.

    4. You don’t have to find your life purpose tomorrow.

    I used to hate the saying “find what you love and go do it.” As if it’s so easy. But each day, don’t be afraid to attempt something new. In Puerto Rico, I have learned that I actually like oysters. I love being in the water. I am more creative than I thought I could be.

    I still haven’t found what I love in life or what my “purpose” is, but trying is the only way to find it.

  • How to Be Happy Now (Because Future Happiness Never Comes)

    How to Be Happy Now (Because Future Happiness Never Comes)

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    I used to think I was falling behind. Not on my rent or my taxes, but in life.

    One moment, things were progressing fine. I had friends. Good teeth. A boyfriend. I even had my own did-I-really-do-all-that-study-to-be-doing-this first job.

    But then it all went away. I became ill. And as the years went by, I watched from my bed as my friends led a version of the life I’d expected for myself.

    It was as if everyone had gotten on the bus while I remained in the bus shelter. Which had an interesting smell. And I’d sat in some chewing gum.

    But here’s something I’ve learned.

    When it seems as if you’re “falling behind,” chances are you’re leaping ahead—not compared to other people, they have their own journey, but compared to your original planned-out trajectory.

    A few weeks ago my husband and I were coming home after a sunny week poking around the Baja Peninsula in Mexico. Shortly before we were due to take off, the pilot told us there was a crack in the some-or-rather, the flight was canceled, and please would we return to the terminal.

    So there we were, a plane-load of people, some waiting, some proactively making new plans, when out of the blue our name was called and we were rushed onto a direct flight home to Los Angeles.

    Our original travel plans had us flying home via San Jose, a four-hour detour. But thanks to our “delay” we arrived home hours ahead of schedule.

    It reminded me of when I was sick, because what seemed like such a setback at the time was anything but. In fact, it was one of the great gift bearers of my life, propelling me toward something I hadn’t known existed but am so grateful to have found.

    What I thought was the long way turned out to be the short way.

    It happens all the time.

    I used to live in a small town in New Zealand, and I was always intrigued by the seemingly large number of people who, when asked how they came to live there, said their car broke down while on holiday. It was always the same: as they waited on repairs they took a drive and found the little out-of-the-way town.

    Car breakdown. Plane breakdown. Health breakdown. Relationship breakdown. Career breakdown. What seems like an impediment is so often a blessing when you consider the ultimate end result.

    What can be upsetting and worrisome is having your plans disrupted. Although, in retrospect, it’s often hilarious to think you knew the way in the first place.

    Social conditioning tells us there’s an ideal way for life to progress; it varies depending on your circle of influence. For me it had to do with getting a good job, being active, getting married, going to college. That kind of thing.

    And we make plans accordingly. It’s human nature—or at least the nature of our mind to do this.

    Yet our plans have nothing to do with being happy now, because that doesn’t need a plan. Plans, by their very nature, are more concerned with the future.

    Plans are about future happy. Sometimes a plan is so ingrained it doesn’t even seem like a plan.

    “If I get a good job, then I’ll be happy.” Future.

    “If I live to be an old lady, that’s the best thing.” Future.

    “When I lose weight I’ll feel self assured and confident.” Future.

    “If I sail around the world I’ll feel a sense of accomplishment.” Future.

    When things “go wrong,” as in not to plan, it causes us pain—sometimes, great pain. And the reason for the pain is it feels as if happiness has been taken away.

    If for your whole life you thought that being active or getting a good job and so on was the way to feel happy, of course you feel badly when you can’t do that.

    But the pain is in your incorrect beliefs. Happiness hasn’t gone anywhere. If anything, your capacity for happiness is probably growing. All that’s lost is your plan for future happy. But since the future never comes, future happy was never real.

    Time and again I meet or hear from people who, in dealing with challenging times, find more real happy. And chances are, if you’re reading this, it’s either happening to you right now or has happened in some way.

    Real happy isn’t some, “Wow this is amazing,” kind of feeling, or where everything is easy, but a deeper sense of connectedness—to yourself and others.

    Real happy is compassion that comes naturally, even for people you dislike.

    Real happy is knowing, deep within you, that everything will be fine; that you can handle whatever comes your way.

    Real happy isn’t something that can be taken away either, but builds in increments as you move through life, speeding up during challenging times.

    Back then I didn’t know any of this. I just thought my life was worse compared to everyone else. Of course, it was no worse and no better. It just looked different than I expected.

    If, by some miracle of time I could speak to me back then, I’d say:

    “You simply don’t know how the universe is going to deliver its splendor, but chances are it’ll look different than you thought it would.”

    “Sorrow is part of the process; a sign of faulty beliefs being released. Notice your thoughts as they come and go, stand back and let the pain happen if you need to, but know there’s something bigger.”

    Knowing me back then, I’d probably still be thinking about my friends and how much I wanted to get back to the real world. (That’s what I used to call it.) So I’d wrap it up by saying:

    “It’s easy to look back on your old life as if it were perfect. Or see other people’s life as perfect. But this is an illusion, the same as future happy. See how it feels to have faith in what’s happening now—not in liking it necessarily, but trusting the flow of life.”

    My friends got on their bus and I got on mine. They were different buses going different places. These days I try to see time at the “bus stop” as the possibility of a new adventure (and not because I live in L.A!).

    And by the way, it wasn’t chewing gum I was sitting on, but a sticky bit of self-esteem I never knew I had. And that interesting smell? Self-acceptance.

  • 10 Ways to Enjoy More: What’s Your Guilty Pleasure?

    10 Ways to Enjoy More: What’s Your Guilty Pleasure?

    “Happiness consists of living each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your vacation.” ~Leo Tolstoy

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an epic list of guilty pleasures.

    As a young girl, my top three guilty pleasures included dressing up and dancing in my living room to Madonna (“Annnnd…VOGUE!”), watching over-the-top nighttime dramas with my mom over bowls of Breyer’s vanilla ice cream (“Kevin…I’m pregnant! And you’re not the father!”), and penning addictive, soap-opera-worthy novellas about the kids in my fifth grade class (they’d line up and beg for the next chapter).

    I found so much joy and fulfillment in those activities. And while I jokingly call them “guilty pleasures,” I never felt a single pang of remorse.

    As a grown-up girl, my guilty pleasures follow a similar strain: booty-shaking hip-hop classes, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and eating anything with the words “chocolate” and “peanut butter” (or both).

    Oh, and I’m penning a screenplay that’s one-part erotic paranormal romance, and one-part political thriller. (Obviously.)

    Clearly, I’ve got a lifelong passion for guilty pleasures—and I’m fascinated by how our bodies respond to our favorite ones.

    How our boundaries dissolve. How our curiosity ignites. How we find ourselves with an insatiable need to indulge (NOW!) before we explode with anticipation. (If you’re hopelessly addicted to any juicy TV series, you know what I’m talking about.)

    Guilty pleasures are exhilarating, and there’s no denying that they bring oodles of fun to our lives.

    So, why don’t we indulge in these pleasures more often?

    I believe the word “guilty” may be the culprit. For some of us, it’s hard to even say the phrase “guilty pleasure” without feeling a prickle of shame.

    And that semantic buzz kill needs a definition makeover.

    I’ve decided to re-define the term “guilty pleasure” as something that ignites and electrifies you in a way that should be totally illegal, but isn’t. It’s something you should enjoy every day, with wild abandon. It doesn’t (necessarily) have to be unhealthy or calorie-laden, but it’s got to feel decadent.

    Now that you have complete permission to pursue your most electrifying passions, here’s a peek at 10 ways you can make your whole life feel like one big guilty pleasure.

    Go ahead—indulge.

    1. Schedule daily guilty pleasure breaks.

    No more guilt means no more excuses to avoid partaking in your favorite pleasures.

    You now have full permission to take a break from work and read that enticing gossip blog, catch up on the latest season of your favorite show, or revel in a romance novel (or audio-book—who’s gonna know?) and savor it while pumping away on the elliptical machine.

    2. Spice up boring to-dos.

    Loathe folding laundry? Detest doing the dishes? Crying into Quicken? Crank up the music that makes you grin like a goofball (classic Justin Timberlake, anyone?) and shimmy while doing your chores. Even Gwyneth Paltrow rocks 90s hip hop while cooking her uber-healthy, organic meals.

    3.  Create guilty pleasure play dates.

    Stuck in an “activity rut” with your significant other, family, and friends? Instead of dinner at “the usual place,” infuse your favorite guilty pleasures into your play dates. Get creative: host an at-home triathlon (video game competition, quickie card game, or a cupcake-eating contest!) or take a guided ghost tour of haunted historical buildings in your city. Spooky!

    4. Just giggle.

    Nothing lowers stress like a good chuckle. Create a giggle bank of hilarious YouTube videos (the boys from Saturday Night Live + T-Pain = win!), Awkward Family Photos, and hilarious blog posts (The Bloggess never fails). Get yourself in stitches, daily.

    5. Try something brand new.

    For an instant boost of pleasure and adrenaline, try something you’ve never done before, but always fantasized about. Channel your inner Gustav Klimt at a nude figure-drawing class (Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School is always a delight!), find your local Ultimate Frisbee League, or try an aerial yoga class.

    Give yourself permission, and enjoy every clumsy attempt. You may spark a new lifelong hobby!

    6.  Do a tedium detox.

    This kind of “detox” isn’t about gulping kale-infused liquids. It’s about clearing out everything that’s tired, tedious, and boring.

    Rummage through your closet and get rid of anything that doesn’t make you feel like a million bucks. Donate old books you’re never going to read, toss stale ingredients that hog your cabinets, and chuck dusty relics that make your home feel like a cluttered mess.

    Once you cleanse the un-pleasurable, fill those spaces with items that delight and inspire. (Or, just leave some empty space. Ahhhh.)

    7. Try on a new character.

    Ever wish you were a Sherlock Holmes-worthy super spy? Or an adorkable hipster like Zooey Deschanel? A head-turning hunk, or traffic-stopping bombshell?

    Instead of throwing on your usual “uniform” in the morning, try dressing like your alter-ago—and live out your day as this new character. This could mean a little harmless flirting with the local barista, strolling through the city in a bright sundress with a parasol, or jotting down secret notes as you observe passersby, at an outdoor cafe.

    8. Make pampering a priority.

    Ladies, remember how much fun it was to play with scented lotions, glittery nail polish, and cake-batter-flavored lip gloss when you were a tween?

    Primping and pampering yourself is (still) absolutely essential. Bring back the joy with a quickie 10-minute scalp massage, a mini-pedicure, or a pre-bedtime back rub from your partner. To keep it simple, just take a few extra moments in the shower to lather up and let your mind wander. Completely cathartic.

    9. Keep conversations centered on pleasure.

    I once read—in a glossy magazine, of course—that the French find it rude to discuss work, religion, or politics at dinner parties, and focus their banter on movies, art, and music. Infuse every conversation with joie de vivre by asking, “So, what are your favorite guilty pleasures?”

    You can enjoy a conversation with anyone if you shift the conversation to pleasure.

    10. Build a guilty pleasure emergency kit.

    If you suffer from excruciating headaches, you probably tote a mini-emergency kit around in your handbag or briefcase. Why not build a Guilty Pleasure Emergency Kit for a mood-boosting pick-me-up?

    Put together a bundle of scintillating magazines, juicy novels, caramel-laced chocolate (or whatever floats your pleasure-boat) and label it “For Emergency Use Only.”

    Of course, you may find yourself “inventing” a dire emergency (“What?! The post office is closed on Sundays?!”) just to give yourself a reason to indulge. And that’s just fine.

    It’ll be our delicious little secret.

  • Confessions of a Love Junkie: Recovering from Love Addiction

    Confessions of a Love Junkie: Recovering from Love Addiction

    Heart in the Sand

    “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others” ~Sonya Friedman

    Love is a funny thing. According to modern day psychologists and cognitive neuroscientists alike, the consensus is that it is just as easy to become addicted to falling in love as it is to get hooked on street drugs. But I think maybe my favorite drug is love. I guess they’d call it my drug of choice.

    The irony in that statement is beyond comprehension. Any one of us who has fallen in love, or struggled with addiction on some level, knows damn well that choice seems to have very little to do with it.

    About seven months ago I came to a breaking point. I made a decision to leave my spiritual community, to seek other ways to grow and develop. I was drained from giving so much of myself, as a result of not placing healthy boundaries with others and was suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    I began to find it hard to breathe. I forgot what it was like to breathe deep into me.

    I didn’t realize I had become obsessed with loving everyone, but never allowed myself to receive love. When you are a love junkie, you think you know how to love well. You give your love to everyone and everything but yourself.

    It becomes an external solution to an internal problem. The saying goes that which we cling to, we end up losing. As a result I experienced a great deal of loss, because suffocation repels rather than invites.

    Addiction comes in many forms. You can smoke pain away. Drink the sadness away. Shop, gamble, or have sex until you think you have released your pain. It always returns because it never really left in the first place.

    So I tried love. It seemed like such a safe and noble way to escape the throes of my mind. And yet time after time I was left feeling empty. When you try to fill a bottomless cup from the outside, it never gets full.

    It was when I stopped loving myself at the expense of loving you that I lost sight of the truth. It was all the time I spent worrying about you when I could have been working on myself. I had started my process of healing, but I got lazy along the way.

    That’s the thing about addiction or escapist behavior of any form. It becomes comfortable. The slipping, sliding, and easing back into negative and unhealthy narratives. Those voices inside our heads which feed our deepest insecurities.

    It can sound like this:

    You aren’t good enough.

    You don’t deserve someone or something like this.

    You’re a bad person.

    You should have done this or could have done that.

    You aren’t worth the effort.

    You are going crazy.

    You aren’t trying hard enough.

    You aren’t doing enough.

    You aren’t giving enough.

    Do you see a pattern here?

    At the root of all junkies is the core belief that “we are not enough.”

    It was easy to slip back into these thought patterns because they had been a part of my personal narrative for so long. Thinking, acting, and being healthy was very uncomfortable for someone like me. Once I allowed this negative voice to become my internal dictator, my “love junkie” was awakened.

    Where I was misled was through this internal belief that things would be better if I only loved more—and this “love” was demonstrated by giving all of myself, not listening to my personal needs for space or voicing my desires, or speaking my truth in most of my closest and personal relationships, including my marriage.

    I felt that if I only loved more, then maybe I would be okay. Then I would feel whole.

    “Loving more,” really, was my codependency playing out, and it often took the form of:

    • Feeling guilty when I asked for things or wanted to make time for myself, out of fear of being seen as “selfish.”
    • Putting up with abusive behavior such as neglect, inconsideration, blaming, and shaming from friends, family, or lovers.
    • Feeling that if I distanced myself from these individuals or created boundaries within my relationships, it meant that I was “abandoning” them. As an individual who has experienced childhood abandonment and neglect, this meant I would be disloyal and undeserving.

    Until I was able to adopt certain practices and healthier boundaries, I could not respect myself. When I began building up that self-respect and deconstructing the self-denial I had become clouded in, I could then demonstrate authenticity in all areas of my life.

    As I began to understand myself better and treat myself with compassion and kindness I began to experience self-love rather than conceptualize it mentally.

    Real intimacy and connection begins internally. If we seek our happiness, acceptance, and contentment outside ourselves, we will never be satisfied. The journey starts with the first step of moving toward ourselves.

    I took stock of all the energy I was expending on people around me and realized my intention to love was actually blocked by my ego’s need to seek validation. In the quiet and the stillness I closed my eyes and began on the journey to find the greatest gift of all—myself.

    Today I experience self-love as a process that begins with a shift from recognizing when I am heart-centered as opposed to being centered in the mind. It is a process where one actualizes acceptance and release from the ego.

    When I returned to my spiritual community, it was from a place of great humility and personal grace. I was able to see it with a new pair of glasses. I returned with nothing to prove, only a deep desire to trust in a new way of loving myself and opening up to those capable of returning that love.

    Love is not an obsession. Love is not a possession or the pursuit of possessing any one person or people. True love fuels a sense of freedom and joy. It is a process of intimate liberation.

    Photo by GettysGirl4260

  • Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.

    They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.

    I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.

    The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.

    I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.

    I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.

    I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.

    I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.

    I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.

    I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.

    I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.

    So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.

    I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.

    I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.

    What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.

    I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.

    I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.

    I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.

    I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.

    I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.

    I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself. 

    I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.

    I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.

    I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.

    I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.

    I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.

    I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.

    When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.

    I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.

    When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.

    Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.

    So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.

  • How We Can Embody Abundance Regardless of What We Have

    How We Can Embody Abundance Regardless of What We Have

    Embody Abundance

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Embody abundance. I heard someone say those two words the other day. What does that mean, really? To truly embody abundance, do we need to have everything we want? Or can anyone who holds space for truth experience a way of being that is free of lack?

    Maybe to embody abundance is to recognize the realness that underlies the illusory film that covers much of what we see in our day-to-day lives. Maybe abundance is always there, but we forget to see it.

    In my day-to-day work, I usually get to practice from a home office. After moving 60 miles outside of the metro to a more rural area, I hardly ever go into the city anymore. I tend to like it that way, spending most days at home, either in a quiet space indoors or outside in the woods or garden.

    When I do find myself navigating a more urban area, or even just venturing out of my familiar, natural spaces, my vision tends to get clouded with traffic, crowds, and consumerism.

    When the clouds roll in, it is all too easy to forget the abundance that I am usually good at recognizing. Sometimes I forget to remember to see what I want to see. 

    What if I could remember to look past the traffic, past the crowds, and past the consumerism? I wonder what that view could be like. I imagine it might show me wildflowers in the freeway ditches, insistent at opening their petals to the sun, despite the concrete that mars their view.

    It might show me a person, or two people, or a group of five, interacting with themselves, each other, and creation in a way that honors honesty and cooperation. It might show me vibrant new ideas that refuse to be pushed aside standing next to the whisper of peace that always keeps watch under the dull hum of advertising and shopping malls. 

    What if instead of seeing poverty, despair, pain, and cruelty in the world, we saw opportunities for growth, seeds of hope, room for healing, and the sharing of compassion? What if we could truly embody abundance in every thought? 

    Maybe it would make a difference in the reality that we live. Maybe—even when in unfamiliar, chaotic territory—if we look past the veils, under the illusions, and through the empty material desires of the current human experience, we will recognize everyday abundance in all things.

    Perhaps then we can embody our abundance to experience and remember all that is, absent limits and free of lack.

    Perhaps we can each take our life situation for what it is—a situation—instead of a sentence or definition; busy or not, and let it be a way for our being, our true self, to experience all that is worth experiencing.

    Each life situation is a unique chance to embody the abundance that is already in us. I can embody abundance. So can you. We just need to remember to do it.

    So walk through a grove of aspen trees. Stand in a ray of sunlight in the middle of the city. Marvel at the way your physical body helps you carry out the mission of your soul. Focus. Spend time loving the present. Take some time off if serves you. Enjoy silence. Be loud when being loud helps. Dance with your baby, talk to your neighbor, let the snow or rain melt into your skin, and see the art in the world.

    Look past the to-do list to what is. Find your abundance, and honor it.

    Photo by geralt

  • Becoming More Authentic: Accept Yourself and Forget Approval

    Becoming More Authentic: Accept Yourself and Forget Approval

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    For most of my life, I was a chameleon. I stayed under the radar, hoping I’d blend in and not draw attention to myself. I was full of self-doubt, so I molded my personality and beliefs based on my company. I traded my authentic self for the security of being liked by my family and friends because of my fear of being judged.

    By suppressing my opinions, I was perceived as easygoing, but at what cost? I disrespected myself by allowing others to influence major decisions in my life. I didn’t trust myself to make choices for myself.

    I withheld what I needed from others and was unable to communicate my emotions. My frustration of not being heard turned into anger whenever I did share my feelings with my family and significant other. In return I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and self-loathing. That was a huge price to pay so others would accept and like me.

    I become addicted to my story of the “broken girl” who compromised her integrity because her voice and emotions were neglected by her parents. I used my victim story to serve as an excuse for my bad behavior.

    If I was “perceived” as a victim, I didn’t have to be held accountable for my bad choices.

    I learned how to use others to get the love and attention I didn’t give myself. I defined my self-worth by comparing myself to others. I tried to be perceived as “perfect,” so I created unattainable standards that left me disconnected.

    During my mid twenties I became tired of worrying about being inconsistent and acting differently around different people. I became disconnected to others and wasn’t able to cultivate meaningful relationships.

    It requires real vulnerability to be authentic. What if I show my true colors and people don’t like the real me? Honestly, even as I write this article and think about people reading about my flaws it scares the bejesus out of me.

    By twenty-seven, my life looked great from the outside, but on the inside I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was ready to create a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

    I realized the world needs us to show up and share our gifts.

    There is more risk hiding our gifts from the world than expressing them. Our unexpressed ideas, dreams, and gifts don’t go away. They destroy our worthiness and confidence.

    There is no shortcut to authenticity. It requires commitment and real inner work. I dove deeply into my emotional mess and started feeling the pain I had repressed. I made the daily commitment to take the following steps to be more authentic:

    Step 1: Forgive and love yourself.

    I had to forgive myself for my past mistakes. My ego enjoyed replaying my bad choices and punishing me by making me feel unworthy of love. By cultivating kindness towards myself, I honored and accepted the past, learned my lessons, and started loving myself.

    What you can do: Consider how you can learn from your past so you can do better going forward. Always be kind to yourself because you can only ever do your best. Be content with that.

    Step 2: Be willing to make a change and own your mistakes.

    I found the willingness to embrace my imperfections and share them with others. I started speaking and writing about my challenges through my vlogs on my website. I had to acknowledge some unpleasant truths about myself. The biggest one was admitting I enjoyed my “victim” story. I felt it served me by getting me sympathy and attention from others. By humbly owning my mistakes, I repaired my self-worth and confidence.

    What you can do: Commit to making a change. Get clear and admit why you hold on to your pain. Why do you think it serves you?

    Step 3: Create a daily practice.

    I created a daily practice of living authentically. I took care of my mind, body, and spirit and nurtured a loving relationship with myself. I looked to those who already lived authentically and noticed a pattern of traits they master. Below, I’ve listed the most common attributes all authentic people share.

    What you can do: If you feel disconnected or unable to speak your truth, identify which traits you need to cultivate in your life and create an intention to become authentic. Do the necessary inner work to reconnect to your truth and your authenticity will radiate through you.

    The traits I’ve identified as common to authentic people:

    Mindfulness.

    Authentic people accept their life experiences and feel the emotions that arise. They don’t repress their feelings and let them fester up. Anxiety and guilt arise from not being present. If we doubt our ability to handle challenges in the future, we create anxiety. Guilt results from feeling bad about past mistakes or people we have hurt. Authentic people experience life challenges from a place of love, forgiveness, and gratitude.

    Self-respect.

    Authentic people are impeccable when they speak to themselves, about themselves and others. They are mindful of the energy behind words and believe they are worthy of love and peace of mind. They have a healthy approach to life by knowing there will always be naysayers, and their opinions don’t matter.

    Courage.

    Authentic people create their own rules based on the standards that resonate with them. They have the courage to live their lives based on what they believe is right. This type of empowerment gives them the inner strength to withstand temptation and build self-confidence. When you have the courage to share your shame and guilt, they no longer have power over you.

    Boldness.

    Authentic people don’t allow their fears to prevent them being themselves. If you are focused on being true to yourself in every moment, you are less concerned about the potential for rejection from others. Nothing is more liberating than being yourself as fully as you know how.

    Being authentic is a daily practice. It is a moment by moment choice of embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it with the world. When you have nothing to hide and you can freely be yourself with everyone, there is a profound peace and confidence you will exude to the world.

  • Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    We are all perfectly imperfect just as we are.

    Yes, it’s true. Sometimes hard to believe, but always the truth. Believe me.

    I’ve always recognized that I am a perfectionist.

    I was the little girl who wanted to know how to play the piano at my first lesson, how to roller blade the first time I tried, how to do the splits at my first gymnastics class.

    I’ve always wanted to do it right the first time.

    On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do and be my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality has often paralyzed my efforts and prevented me from daring and learning to be brilliant.

    The one practice I’ve committed to in my life, where I’ve been willing to be less than perfect and continue to embrace each day, is yoga.

    The meditative quality, the healing breath, the invigorating movement all resonate with me and remind me to just be where and who I am, in each moment.

    It’s been fifteen years now since I began my yoga practice in an effort to release the tension in my neck that was triggering chronic headaches during my first year studying at UCLA.

    I felt transformed after my very first yoga class and just knew that I would grow and expand with my practice.

    In the beginning, most of my transformation was physical—feeling more relaxed, open, energized, and flexible. In recent years, my practice has guided me to expand my perspective, and I find myself open to understanding life anew.

    I’m discovering new ways of being and of seeing the world.

    Just two months ago I had a revelation.

    I was communicating with a life coach who is an incredible listener, endeavoring to understand why I was constantly feeling challenged in my relationship with my husband. Together, we realized that I was creating the same expectations of perfection for him as I had carried for myself since childhood.

    A memory surfaced: me, around twelve years old, sharing my report card with my father.

    “Why are they not all As?” he questioned unapologetically.

    I glanced at my grades, noticing that I’d earned six A’s and one B+, and said, “I did my best.”

    “I expect all A’s next time,” he firmly instructed.

    “I’ll do better,” I submissively acquiesced.

    And this stuck. The need to do better than my best. The desire to be better than myself. I wanted my father’s approval. I wanted my father’s love. I wanted my father’s attention. And so, I worked even harder and earned a 4.0 GPA each semester.

    But you know what? It was never enough.

    I never felt enough. I never could earn the love and attention that I desperately craved from him. 

    I needed to look within myself.

    Now, some twenty years later, I’m still struggling with my tendency toward perfectionism.

    This insight is life changing: A chance to understand myself better. A reflection of how and why I choose to think and act the way I do. An opportunity to acknowledge that I’ve associated being perfect with being lovable.

    Now, without judgment or criticism for myself or my father, I have the choice to change.

    I can choose to shift my perspective and tell a new story. I choose to embrace a new truth…

    Imperfection is lovable.

    With this knowledge, I see my relationship with myself and with my husband, my children, my family, my friends—with life itself—in a new light.

    We are all imperfect.

    But who wants to be perfect anyway? How boring that would be!

    The most fun is in the growing, in the expansion, in the learning and becoming ever more who we are.

    I release the compulsion to be perfect, to constantly achieve, do more, handle every task on my to-do list immediately.

    I allow myself to be more present, to be in the moment, to remember what matters most: love.

    I can let go of always doing and instead let myself be. I can stop rushing around handling tasks, and allow myself to stop and smell the roses with my daughters, kiss my husband, call a friend, stare in wonder at the beauty of our universe.

    I am worthy of love, I know I belong, I recognize my life has meaning, and I give myself permission to take it easy and just be me.

    I embrace this truth:

    I am good enough. I do enough. I have enough. I work enough. I love enough. I am beautiful enough. I am smart enough.

    I am enough.

    Can you say this to yourself and really mean it? Practice. Notice how it feels.

    With this new perspective, everything blossoms.

    I allow myself to make mistakes without being judgmental.

    I give others space to be imperfect without being critical.

    I allow myself to be me.

    I allow myself to love myself just as I am.

    I allow myself to love others just as they are.

    Whenever I begin to lose focus of this reassuring truth, when I start to feel overwhelmed by all the “shoulds” and judgments in my mind, I sit in stillness in my meditation space.

    I read the words I’ve etched on my chalkboard wall:

    I am enough. Surrender. Live and let live. Imperfection is lovable. Be human.

    Immersed in the sensation of my breath, I choose to focus my mind on these powerful truths. Soon, I relax into the comfort of knowing that all is well. And I begin again the journey of self-love and acceptance.

    I am grateful for being where I am, for all the wisdom and love so many gracious and kind people have shared, and for the powerful practice of yoga that encourages self-awareness and growth.

    I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize the perfection in our imperfection and to use this wisdom to infinitely improve my interactions with the people I love the most.

    Our minds are powerful. Our thoughts are powerful. Our love is powerful.

    Let us choose to focus on the good, appreciate who we are, share our love unconditionally.

    Let us remember that we are enough.

    Let us embrace our value and know we belong.

    Let us always remember that our imperfections are lovable.

    Can you practice loving yourself and others unconditionally today?

    Every beautiful journey and inspiring transformation begins with an intention and moving in the direction of where you hope to be.

    Wishing you ease in loving and freedom to be just who you are.

    Be human. Be perfectly imperfect. Be you. Just be.

  • Why Being Scared Means You’re Fully Alive

    Why Being Scared Means You’re Fully Alive

    I Can Fly

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    Last year I decided to do something I’d always longed to do but had never been brave enough to take the plunge: I started my own business. Not only was it a new venture, my business would be based around myself—my skills, knowledge, and experiences.

    Holy crap.

    My emotions swung from terrified to awkward and uncomfortable. Seriously, that’s how good it got, at least initially! It’s been exciting and exhilarating, but not in the least bit comfortable.

    Here I was, standing for the entire world to see as a self-proclaimed “person who knows quite a lot about some stuff.” I may as well of had my subconscious make me a T-shirt that read “Who the hell do you think you are?”

    Revealing things about myself was not comfortable at all. Opening up about my years living with depression—an illness whose superpower is convincing its host that they are worthless and weak—left me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    To acknowledge my depression, and put myself out there as someone who knew quite a lot about a certain subject, was nothing short of excruciating at times.

    But I had my secret weapon. Over the years I’ve gathered a group of people who “get” me. People who love and approve of me and what I do. I’ve always felt like this tribe insulated me from the feelings of exposure and judgment I might get from other people.

    One person in particular, who’s been my teacher on one of my courses, is someone I particularly admire. I basked in the warm glow of his encouragement and positive feedback; I felt approved of, nurtured, and safe around him.

    Because learning is something I hold dear (and I was utterly clueless about it) when I started my business, I decided to take some courses in marketing and business building. This seemed a better strategy than stumbling my way through blindly, so I hovered up new information like I was starved of it.

    I started implementing. I made gazillion mistakes but I kept going. I kept remembering the phrase “There’s no failure, only feedback”—and I was getting a hell of a lot of feedback!

    But I learned that I was much more tenacious than I’d first thought. There were lots of challenges, but I overcame or circumnavigated them. I kept moving forward. I felt a teeny bit proud of myself.

    I gradually became more courageous and shared more of the real me with readers and workshop participants. I became less of the safe, corporate “me” and more of the real, flawed, goofy, “me”—complete with opinions, imperfections, and history.

    I told my story of experiencing depression for years and rather than being lambasted for it, the connections I made with my students and readers were profound and rewarding. No one told me they thought less of me for it; if anything, they thought I was brave.

    Work started to come in—a trickle, but definitely a move in the right direction. As I took my wobbly steps one after the other, I started to feel stronger and more confident. My tribe was great—super supportive and really encouraging. It felt good.

    Apart from one thing.

    The teacher I admired so much didn’t seem approving. In fact, he seemed critical and dismissive of what I was doing.

    And I felt crushed.

    When we’re trying something new we can feel fragile, and any little thing can dent our confidence and break our resolve. It’s even more acute when we’re putting ourselves out there, whether that is through our creative work or our personal stories.

    When someone doesn’t approve of our work, it’s like they don’t approve of us. And this is painful—especially when the person in question is someone we admire and crave approval from.

    I so wanted him to get it—to support and champion what I was doing. But he didn’t. He wasn’t nasty or cruel; he’s a kind and warm person and that would be totally out of character for him.

    But his response was somehow harder to deal with. He was dismissive and uninterested.

    I bundled up my courage and asked him if something was wrong.

    “No,” came the reply, complete with furrowed brow and an edge of confusion in his voice. “I don’t really get what you’re doing. For me, it doesn’t work.”

    Because all of this self-growth stuff is a journey without a destination (the journey is the destination) I know that I would have responded in different ways at different times in this journey. Here are some past options:

    1. Stop completely. This feels too hard/scary and unsafe. I am obviously not good enough and certainly not strong enough to carry on.

    2. Stop, retreat, and go back to my original, “safe” world. Try and replicate whatever advice my teacher gives me, encompassing his philosophy, beliefs, and experience. I disappear but at least I don’t risk feeling unlovable.

    3. Rationalize his behavior; put it down to envy at my emerging success, or insecurity on his part for moving on from his teachings. I mean what’s his problem?

    4. Carry on, feeling the pain but moving through it anyway.

    To be honest, all of these were tempting. Having an excuse not to be “out there” feeling exposed and vulnerable was very enticing. I could go back to being safe, anonymous, and totally invisible.

    Even though it would be like silently dying inside everyday.

    So that wouldn’t really be a viable option then! I needed to do something different. I needed a shift of perspective. My teacher isn’t a cruel or vicious man, and his comments weren’t meant to wound me. So why was I hurt that what I was doing didn’t work for him?

    That was it; that was the shift I needed. What I was doing didn’t work for him. Instead of beating myself up and falling into a pit of “what’s wrong with me?” I realized it wasn’t about me at all.

    I’m a keen cake baker, and if I make a carrot cake (one of my favorites) I don’t get offended if someone says “Oh, thanks but I don’t really like carrot cake.”

    I know that this situation is different from a cake, but the analogy still holds. My teacher wasn’t saying, “I don’t like you.” He was saying that what I was writing about and publishing as part of my business didn’t work for him.

    So this was the response I chose instead:

    Realize that we’re on different paths. I don’t need him to approve of and like 100% of what I do. I know he respects me; it’s just not his thing. It’s my thing.

    It’s carrot cake. And there are plenty of other people out there who really like carrot cake.

    I don’t need everyone to appreciate the same things as me. My sense of self isn’t entirely dependent on what other people think. Hell, I’m still human; of course it still feels great when other people affirm me, but I don’t need it to still be okay with myself.

    Inside the nest feels safe and warm.

    But outside of the nest is where we learn to fly—feeling scared, but awake, alive, and fully human.

    Photo by Anurag

  • Good News: Bad Moods Don’t Have to Be So Bad

    Good News: Bad Moods Don’t Have to Be So Bad

    “Most of the shadows in life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    How many times have you heard “Follow your heart” or “Let emotion be your guide”?

    Too many to count, I’d bet.

    It’s generally good advice; it’s certainly wiser to follow your own feelings than to blindly do what other people think you should do.

    But reading into your emotions can also lead you astray.

    You see, you are always feeling your thinking. You are not necessarily always feeling “the truth,” or even your own personal truth.

    Every emotion, feeling, or mood you experience follows directly from the thinking you are experiencing. That thinking is not always accurate or important. It does not always indicate what’s best for you.

    In reality, your feelings are nothing more than feedback about your thinking.

    Feelings are not feedback about your mental health, the state of your life, or whether you have the “right” job, partner, or dietary habits.

    I used to think they were. When something in my environment seemingly aroused negative emotion in me, I’d jump into action. Life became a game of adding in the “right stuff” and subtracting out the “wrong stuff” in order to feel as good as possible.

    I thought this was very enlightened; after all, I was no longer willing to put up with what didn’t feel good and I was consciously choosing more of what did.

    I’d notice some negative feelings about my job and immediately start looking for a new one. Clearly, my job wasn’t a good fit. I deserved a job where I could be nearly-always happy, I reasoned.

    Predictably (in hindsight), the moment I decided the job wasn’t a good fit, a million examples of how it wasn’t perfect would show up—things I had never noticed before. I took those as “signs”—further evidence that I had better focus on that exit strategy, and fast.

    Since I decided that my job was the cause of my distress and that I’d feel much better when I found a new one, that naturally led to the conclusion that that I wouldn’t feel better until I was in that new job.

    I innocently set things up so that I couldn’t possibly be happy until I made the change that was supposed to fix everything.

    I also did this in reverse, by the way, adding in more of the good-feeling “stuff” that I thought were the source of the positive emotions I craved.

    Although I thought this an enlightened way to be, hunting and gathering good-feeling “stuff” and playing whack-a-mole with bad-feeling “stuff,” it was based on the gigantic illusion that my feelings were based on my surroundings.

    In truth, my feelings were simply feedback about my thinking, and my thinking was not dictated by my job or anything else outside of myself.

    Thinking isn’t dictated by anything. It just arises, with emotion tagging along, and we hold on to it and tell stories about it.

    Or we don’t.

    Nothing needs to be done.

    Rather than jumping into addition or subtraction action, relax. There is nothing to do with or about bad feelings. Because thoughts are transitory, impersonal, and always in motion, feelings are too.

    The word emotion means in motion, as in always moving.

    From the time you woke up this morning to right now, you’ve probably had a few hundred thousand thoughts and feelings to which you paid virtually no attention. Paid no attention, they promptly floated away—in motion—and were replaced by new thoughts and feelings.

    Each time your mind drifts from the morning staff meeting to your lunch plans and back to the meeting again, it’s happening. Each time you cycle through, “I’m having a fantastic hair day” to “Did I clean the cat hair off this jacket?” to “I hope it’s warm enough to go without a jacket tonight,” it’s happening.

    Thoughts and feelings change all day every day with absolutely no effort or fanfare.

    This would be true of all thoughts and feelings if you treated them all the way you treat the ones about meetings, lunch, and hair.

    But since you’re human, you don’t treat them all the same. You hold on to some thoughts and spin them around in your mind. You give them importance and meaning. You imbue them with emotion and attention, which are the equivalent of mental superglue.

    Thoughts are like breath—when you stop holding your breath, new breath rushes in. When you stop holding your thoughts, new ones rush in, bringing new feelings in tow.

    All you ever have “to do” is nothing. The only position you ever have to take is of non-interference.

    What’s Possible

    Nearly everyone I talk to wants bad feelings to go away. Even when they intellectually understand that bad feelings aren’t meaningful or harmful, and even when they intellectually get that feelings are always in motion, they feel down and instantly try to feel better.

    They think I’m naive or unrealistically spiritual when I tell them that bad feelings don’t have to be a big deal. They don’t have to feel so “bad.”

    “You don’t understand my emotions,” they say. “Mine hit harder than others’.”

    Or, “But everyone knows shame is the hardest to handle,” or “I’ve had these since birth, so they’re more real than most.”

    I still say they don’t have to be so bad.

    The more you understand that your experience of life is entirely thought-created and that “you” aren’t what you think you are, your attachment to feelings—good and bad—begins to shift.

    You connect and identify with something deeper, something beyond fleeting feelings.

    It becomes obvious that bad feelings are only your surface psychology; they can’t touch who you truly are. You can rest in your true self which is always stable and always there.

    As it turns out, much of the negative experience of emotions is the cover-up. It’s when you resist, hide, or try to change those emotions that you experience them as painful.

    When you do that, you’re playing with mental superglue again. You’re putting so much pressure and focus on those emotions that they are held in place. Remember, when you don’t hold on to thought and emotion, new thought and emotion rushes in.

    I can honestly say that my experience of bad feelings is drastically different than it once was. This may sound insane, but I don’t mind feeling “bad” so much anymore.

    In fact, sometimes it’s kind of nice to settle into a bad mood. It’s a little like the comfort you might find in a rainy day once you accept that the rain is a reality and stop wanting it to change.

    I find myself deciding to just lay low and ride out the mood, just like I would the rain. I know it will change. Paradoxically, when I approach bad moods in this way they end up changing before I have a chance to experience them as “bad.”

    Emotions are naturally in motion. There is an awareness and distance that prevents me from being taken down by them.

    This is completely possible for anyone, even you.

  • Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    “The only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In a world where it seems as though all we hear about and see is how one person betrayed another, how do we allow ourselves to trust someone to get close at all, let alone trust them to be near the most fragile parts of us?

    Over the course of the last year, I’ve been working as an intern-counselor at a residential high school with around seventy teenagers. Many of them have come from unbelievably challenging backgrounds where they have had to learn to not trust anyone as a matter of survival.

    Imagine having spent your entire life always having to watch your back literally and figuratively, not just because there are strangers who may want to harm you, but also because even those who are supposed to be close to you could turn against you in an instant.

    How difficult do you think it would be to let down the defenses that kept you safe and in some cases, alive, for so long?

    In my own world, I’ve struggled with allowing people to really know me because for most of my life, it felt as though I was burned every time I did.

    Over time, I learned how to seem friendly but kept virtually everyone at a distance, and those who got too close I rapidly pushed away, sometimes completely out of my life.

    I was already struggling to put my pieces back together after several major tragedies in my family, and allowing others in meant (the possibility of) compounding my heartbreak. I just couldn’t handle anymore at the time.

    Eventually I began to open up, but each time found myself wondering why I had been so naive again.

    Then there came a point where, slowly but surely, people began to enter my life who showed me what it meant to be able to trust—trust them to show up, trust them to listen, trust them with commitments, and the biggest one of all, trust them with my heart.

    These people came in the form of friends who are now my family and have had my back in countless ways over the years, and the most surprising and recent of all, a man who is not only telling me, but showing me, what a man does to express his profound interest beyond just the physical.

    If I wouldn’t have begun to take down my walls, I may have never found these amazing people. They didn’t appear because I had perfectly learned to trust already. They appeared because I was willing to learn to trust, even if imperfectly.

    As I’ve been learning to trust and lower my defenses, I’ve been working with my students to do the same.

    Their stories are different in that many of them have come from a history of abuse and/or gang related activities. But we share a similar outcome in struggling to realize that what once protected us is no longer needed, and in some cases, is actually hurting us further by isolating us from the love we need to heal and move forward.

    It’s like taking too much medicine; sometimes a certain amount is necessary to get better, but beyond that it can break our systems down.

    We each come to crossroads in our lives where we have to make the decision to let go of our old survival mechanisms in order to grow and make room for something better.

    Sometimes what used to protect us becomes what harms us and stifles the capacity for our lives to be open and full of joy, love, and peace.

    When it comes to trusting each other, we have to accept that our past is not our present. We have to be able to recognize that what hurt us before is not necessarily what is currently standing before us—even sometimes when the situation looks frighteningly similar, and sometimes even when it’s the same person.

    Does this mean we won’t ever get hurt again? Nope. That’s a part of life. People will let us down, and we will let them down, but that doesn’t mean our efforts to disassemble our defense mechanisms are in vain.

    If we never allow ourselves any vulnerability, we lose out on the opportunity to make incredibly deep and meaningful connections that open up our lives in ways that couldn’t happen any other way.

    Those connections draw out the very best within and create a new reality—one where we learn that the only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

  • How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    “Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    As a child in ballet I was chastised for my inability to capture attitude or arabesque. With only one foot planted on the ground I reached for anything to prop myself up—the barre, the instructor, an unsuspecting fellow tutu-wearing classmate who would then lose balance herself.

    My days at ballet were short lived, but my trouble balancing was not. This persisted for decades, through college and into the early years of my marriage.

    Now I was no longer just hoping to stand steadily and gracefully on one foot, but instead was trying endlessly to balance hopes with expectations, mental energy with physical willingness, yearning and desire with fatigue and dread.

    Fast-forward through my short-lived childhood aspirations of becoming a ballerina to my first yoga class. Walking into the classroom I instinctively stretched out my mat at the end of the room, right up against the wall. Without thinking about it I created a safety net to hold onto. In case of a fall, the wall would be right there. In case I lost my balance.

    About midway through the practice my instructor set up a metaphor that stuck with me. “Your mat is your world, and you are here, present in the midst of it,” she said. “We all have areas of our life that need attention. Start applying that attention here and now.”

    As she guided us into a new pose she concluded, “If you require strength, then push yourself harder. If you require peace, then take a deep breath.”

    That is when I toppled over—as if on cue, and the wall didn’t catch me either. A sign could not have struck me more clearly. My mat is my world, and I need to find balance.

    But the mat wasn’t actually my world, and outside of the yoga studio there were things calling to me. There were questions I had to answer, decisions I needed to make, people I had to talk to. With two feet planted firmly on the ground I was still in danger of losing balance.

    This lack of balance stretched far beyond my physical abilities. It poured over into my personal life, academic endeavors, and career choices. Imbalance seemingly seeped into every action I attempted.

    I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. I either had a calendar packed with things to do at every waking moment or I let every bit of it go and spent long days in bed, wondering if anyone would call. I was either overconfident in my abilities or completely unsure of myself; I felt loved or I felt hated.

    This perpetual imbalance left me in a constant state of anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself. So I took a step back, evaluated the role I was playing in my own life, and I found my center.

    In my journey to finding inner balance, I found that there are five fundamental changes I had to make:

    1. Stop being busy.

    Busyness isn’t a packed to-do list; it’s a mentality. If you want to be busy, things you love to do and even otherwise relaxing activities can grow overwhelming as you turn them into tasks.

    Busyness can quickly become a mask to hide behind. I wanted people to think I was busy more than I wanted to do the tasks I had taken on. I let go of the need to be busy and learned to accept and appreciate downtime as space for self-development.

    2. Learn when to let chances pass.

    Opportunities knock, but not all of them are right for you. Job offers will come, friendships will be formed, and investments will be proposed. Not all of them need to be taken. There are things that I have thought I wanted, and when finally faced with the chance to act I felt more obligated than interested.

    Continuing down this road isn’t helping anyone and is only going to drive you towards greater imbalance. Learn to cut your losses and listen to your gut.

    3. Recognize external pressure.

    Not every problem you face is your problem to solve. Friends, family members, and co-workers may inadvertently push their problems onto your shoulders to bear, but you do not need to accept it. External pressure can drive you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with and can cause you to second-guess yourself.

    Listen to yourself first, and reassert your personal control over your own actions.

    If there was no pressure there would be no need for finding balance. Part of maintaining balance in your life is finding the will to continue in the face of pressure, and learning when it is okay to let it go.

    4.  Stop rushing.

    I once grew pestered with my husband for taking so long to get ready for a day at the beach, and then became flustered by the traffic on our way there. He found it hilarious that I could grow so stressed in this situation. “Hurry up to wait” is what he called it, and he was right.

    I created a deadline where there wasn’t one and forced my desire to rush onto him.

    No one has the right to dictate how anyone else spends their time. You move at your own pace and I, at mine. We all have destinations we are striving to reach, whether they are physical, emotional, or even in our career.

    There are things to learn along the way, so don’t rush the process.

    5. Accept the present.

    The past is loaded with anxiety and thoughts about things you should have or could have done. The future is packed with unknowns and ideals of what should happen. Constantly struggling between the past and future will leave anyone unbalanced.

    The present is the center. To find balance you have to accept the moment you are living in now. The past has already played out, and the future will unravel as it comes. The time worth thinking about is now.

    There are things in life that are going to knock you off your feet, and there are times that you are going to lose balance. Maintaining inner balance isn’t just learning how to stay grounded. It involves finding the strength to get back up after you fall and to try again.

  • 8 Things to Do If You Want to Be at Peace with Yourself

    8 Things to Do If You Want to Be at Peace with Yourself

    “He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the world.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    How can I find peace of mind? It’s a question often asked, but rarely answered in a satisfying way.

    Some say peace of mind lies in security. Some say it’s about de-cluttering and finding stillness and calm in life. Some say it’s about acceptance and letting go. I say it’s all about what you do.

    Let me introduce myself. I’m an addict. An alcoholic since my teens, I lived most of my life on various edges.

    At twenty-one, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as if being an alcoholic wasn’t bad enough. If you don’t know what BPD is, it is an unsettled and shifting sense of self, and it’s unbearably difficult to live with.

    I possessed a fearful and fraught mind at the best of times. Both my addiction and my BPD led me to do some pretty crazy things. Crossing a drunk person with a personality disorder is not conducive to the sort of life you would wish on anyone.

    I spent my twenties clambering out of one catastrophe and into another, doing some fairly disgraceful things—hiding, lying, hurting other people and myself. At least one hour a day was spent in absolute misery and penance, sorry for myself and for anyone who crossed my path of destruction.

    But behind the carnage, I was a genuinely good-hearted person. All through my mental illnesses, I tried to make the best of it, to be a nice person. And there was no one more empathetic than me. If anyone else had a problem, I would drop everything to run to them.

    But my mind was not somewhere you would want to take a fishing trip, let alone a whole vacation. Of all the people I hurt in my life, I hurt no one more than myself. I hurt myself by doing things that would make me feel guilt and shame later on.

    When I finally got the right treatment and got sober, after a decade of madness, I heard people speak about serenity and finding peace of mind. In early recovery, it was still an utter mystery to me.

    I saw a counselor who told me to give it time. I went to alcohol services—they told me to work a program. I listened to “spiritual folk” who told me to meditate.

    No one seemed to be giving me practical answers about how to achieve something I had been searching for all along: peace and self-esteem.

    But the answer was so simple. You create your state of mind by the things you do, and you cement that by the things you tell yourself.

    As long as I behave with integrity every day, I can feel at peace with myself.

    Things will always change. Life will sometimes be tough. People will say and do things that upset you. That’s just the nature of things.

    As long as you hang onto your integrity, no matter what is happening in your world, you can go to bed with a clear conscience. And no matter how tough things get, you can still have that wonderful sense of peace within you.

    But it takes some practice to really start to feel it, and to live with integrity at all times. Here are some tips to help you cultivate a sense of peace.

    1. Know your ideal self.

    Make a list of all the good qualities you intend to cultivate. Are you going to be kinder, fairer, more tolerant, more magnanimous, more patient, more dignified? What are your responses to difficulties going to be? What principles do you wish to uphold?

    2. Do the next right thing.

    If you’ve been struggling with your emotional or mental state like I was, it may be difficult, at first, to act with integrity all the time. You may find yourself making mistakes and sometimes behaving in a less than ideal way. In order to build up a habit of sticking to your principles, just practice doing the “next right thing” all the time.

    3. Let go of perfectionism.

    I could have made my life a lot easier if I had validated the attempts I was making to do the right thing even when things were a struggle. Instead, I beat myself up and made myself feel worse because I was angry with myself for not living right. It’s all a journey. Allow yourself to be imperfect, and yet still make progress.

    4. Make amends immediately.

    If for some reason you end up treating someone unfairly or unkindly, or doing something dishonest or mean, make amends for it as soon as you can. Don’t wait. Correct your mistakes as soon as possible, and you can find peace of mind in the fact that you have improved upon your actions and done your part to relieve any ill feeling or guilt.

    5. Practice patience.

    Other people around you may not be living in the same way that you have chosen to. It doesn’t matter; they will have their conscience to live with at the end of the day, and you will have yours. Choose to respond in a way that will give you peace of mind. Take a deep breath before reacting to people who push your buttons.

    6. Let your head and heart support you.

    You won’t have a peaceful mind if you allow negativity to dominate your thinking. Try to understand others rather than judging them. Forgive others and you free yourself. Radiate compassion and be a good Samaritan. Not only will others benefit; you’ll also add to your own sense of self-esteem.

    7. Think long term.

    It may be tempting to lose your rag when you’re feeling angry or frustrated. But think about how you will feel about yourself and your own actions later on. Will you be happy about your behavior? Will it lead to you feeling peace of mind? If not, don’t do it.

    8. Validate yourself.

    You will not get to feel that lovely sense of peace if you don’t take the time to fully acknowledge it. In difficult situations, look at what you did well. If you’ve been struggling, notice when you make progress. At the end of each day, summarize to yourself how you’ve acted well and kept your integrity.

    What helps you feel at peace with yourself?

  • Why We Need to Create Our Own “Normal”

    Why We Need to Create Our Own “Normal”

    Smiling

    “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou

    I had a glimpse of normal when I was a child. It looked like bright splodges of paint on pieces of cheap paper, animals made from bits of wool and odd buttons, and many, many books. Normal was taking exceedingly long suburban walks while pestering my father to supply me with mental arithmetic, to sate an insatiable love of numbers.

    The most normal place in the world, my sanctuary, was the library. I loved the plastic covered window seats that would stick to the back of my legs on hot summer days, and the smell of dusty old books that was as healing as a salty-sea breeze.

    The library was my portal to different worlds and otherworldly wisdom.

    As a small child, I quickly outgrew the children’s section and I would spend hours surrounded by oversized books or lurking in the darkest, furthest corner of the library where my favorite books were kept. My normal choices, from which I very rarely deviated, were ancient mysteries and the paranormal.

    My normal childhood revolved around messy artwork, numbers, and an obscure taste in books. And that is what made my heart sing with happiness and gave me peace, contentment, and always food for thought.

    Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, I lost my normal.

    I listened to teachers who said girls were not naturally gifted in mathematics. My peers let me know that reading was geeky unless, of course, the material included tips on kissing boys or growing boobs (or both). I told myself that creative expression was just a hobby and wasn’t a viable career option.

    By the time I was ready to start making my own way in life, I was normal. Not my own normal, but the normal that seamlessly integrated into the world around me without raising any eyebrows or rocking any boats.

    I spent four years at college studying a subject that held no passion for me, I took a sensible job that gave me no sense of fulfilment, and I married my run-of-the-mill boyfriend. I had a mortgage, a car, kids, and a profound unhappiness that bubbled to the surface from time to time as pockets of depression.

    It took a personal mini earthquake to shake me loose from the normal life I’d created so I could reconnect with my authentic self. My world fell down around me, and almost overnight the normal world I lived in ceased to exist.

    Life sends wake up calls from time to time. Sometimes they’re ear-splittingly loud and force you to look at how you’ve been living.

    I had to make a decision. I could rebuild my life as before, or I could try a new normal.

    Step by step, I laid my own foundations and let my spirit design my life. I ignored advice that came packaged in “you should” or “you can’t” and I found my own way back to happiness. Being my own kind of normal is how I find peace and purpose.

    Normal is an illusion

    What’s normal for you could be totally off-the-wall for me. And it doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

    Normal is only an illusion.

    Every one of us is exquisitely unique and normal all at the same time. Eccentricities, quirks, and personal passions bring diversity and color to a world that often appears drab and full of sameness.

    If you try to fit into society’s definition of normal, you deny the world a chance to see your great spirit, and probably bring down a bucket load of unhappiness onto yourself too.

    It takes courage to say no to general normalcy. There’s less risk just to go with the flow but there’s also far fewer rewards. It’s a scary, brave, bold, and liberating move to show the world your authentic, normal self.

    These days my normal is self-employment in an area I’m overflowing with passion for, spirituality that fits me, and a relationship with a man whose normal is pretty similar to mine. There are still many, many books but far less mental arithmetic.

    3 Simple Steps to Create Your Own Normal

    1. Love and accept yourself in all your amazing glory.

    2. Love people you want to love.

    3. Do what you love.

    Follow these simple steps and ignore all the naysayers, doubters, and negativists. Embrace your own normal and you’ll find you live a life far from average and ordinary.

    Photo by kris krug