Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why Giving to Others Is Also Giving to Ourselves

    Why Giving to Others Is Also Giving to Ourselves

    Free Hugs

    “Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities.  Seize common occasions and make them great.” ~Orison Swett Marde

    I stood at the library counter waiting to check out a stack of books when I overheard an overworked woman explain to the librarian why her books were late.

    “My boss has me running his errands after hours. It’s a miracle I made it on time to pick up my daughter from daycare,” she said.

    “Are you a personal assistant?” the librarian asked.

    “No, I’m a paralegal,” the woman explained. “But staffing is tight, and if I don’t take on the extra tasks I might lose my job. I can’t be picky in this economy.”

    I understood the woman. Years ago, when my children were younger, I took on extra tasks both because I needed money and because I could not say no. I connected with her story and wanted to do something to let her know she was not alone.

    But what could I offer her?

    The desire to give to others spontaneously was as reflexive as smiling. I had learned it over the years by watching others give to me when I was in no position to give back to them.

    I rummaged in my purse and found two tickets to the movies I had earned from working overtime. I abandoned my books at the counter and followed the woman and her child outside.

    “Excuse me,” I said. “I couldn’t help overhear your conversation about work. I understand what you’re going through because I’ve gone through it myself, and I want you to know I appreciate you even if your boss doesn’t.”

    I handed her the tickets. “Take your daughter to a movie,” I said.

    Her eyes widened and filled with tears. “Thank you,” she said. “You’ve just made my week.”

    That small gesture of solidarity, understanding, and generosity made me feel as close to the woman as I could get to my twenty-two-year old self who worked too many ungrateful hours for too many ungrateful bosses just to help my family survive.

    PBS’s special, “This Emotional Life,” explores the healing power of giving through volunteerism and philanthropy.

    Research shows that once people have enough to meet their needs, additional money and time do not increase their happiness. It’s only when the donor gives away the additional money and time that the donor’s happiness is increased.

    According to Emma M. Seppala, Ph.D., people benefit from giving by connecting with others.

    Humans have a built-in need to relate, resonate, and mirror each other. In a world increasingly dependent on technology, the gift of giving of oneself increases intimacy and reduces the likelihood of loneliness.

    Giving ripples out in waves like a stone plunked into still waters. It connects us in a tangible way. It makes us realize we are not alone.

    Giving doesn’t have to be complicated or grand. It can be an encouraging smile or a gentle hug. Fifteen minutes of attentive listening can be as valuable as a one-hour massage.

    After all, it’s not how much we give, but how we give.

    If we give from the heart, in a desire to connect, then we seize a common occasion and make it special, which is much different than if we give to a great cause out of obligation or self-importance.

    You also don’t have to have a structured system of volunteering and philanthropy to enjoy the benefits of giving. It can become a habit you develop over time until it becomes an integral part of your life.

    Start by paying closer attention to the people you encounter during the day. Soon you will recognize an opportunity to give.

    If you’re leaving a crowded parking lot and notice someone driving around looking for a spot, you can signal for the person to take your parking spot.

    If you see an overwhelmed waitress struggling to keep up with your table’s demands, you can leave a larger tip to show your appreciation. If you notice someone walking around with a permanent frown, you can flash your comforting smile and shine a tiny light on that person’s dark heart.

    Generosity isn’t only for strangers. You can weed a neighbor’s garden, cook a meal for your parents, or pay a visit to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Giving to those you know and love the most prevents you from taking them for granted.

    An odd by-product of giving freely out of compassion and love is how it makes the giver feel. The more you give from a place of unconditional generosity, the more joy you feel. Giving makes you realize how much power you have to make others feel better about themselves and their lives.

    Go out and give whatever you have to whoever needs it. Seek ordinary moments and make them extraordinary. Life truly is a special occasion.

    Photo by Jesslee Cuizon

  • 5 Simple but Often Forgotten Ways to Keep a Relationship Strong

    5 Simple but Often Forgotten Ways to Keep a Relationship Strong

    Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    Out of our six loving years together, my partner and I spent two and a half years in a long-distance relationship. During these years there were times we communicated nearly daily, but there were also times when we couldn’t even email or text for a month at a time while I was living in an African village.

    Being separated by an ocean from the person that is the most important to me was of course difficult and painful, but I believe it also made our relationship stronger.

    We have learned some invaluable lessons about love and relationships from being separated by the distance. These lessons are still crucial in our relationship and allow us to maintain our love, happiness, and harmony.

    After the long-distance part of our relationship, we moved in together. We lived a “normal couple-life,” spending daytime apart, eating dinner together, unwinding with a movie while cuddling, and spending our weekends together.

    Then we set off to travel. For over a year, we volunteered on organic farms, hitchhiked, couchsurfed, and traveled together.

    During this year we spend nearly every hour of every day together, or at least near each other. Talk about making up for the long-distance time. Yet, we still employed what we learned during our years apart.

    I truly believe that we learned and practiced the universal truths that are essential for every relationship regardless of the distance.

    Trust

    When I was apart from my boyfriend people didn’t understand how I remained so calm and never worried that he would cheat on me or leave me. How I did it was so simple: I always trusted him. We would have never made it without our trust for each other and for our relationship.

    Trust is crucial. Period. No ifs or buts.

    If you are in the relationship for the long term, you simply cannot afford to have trust issues. There is no room for doubt. You have to trust with a full heart that your partner loves you.

    Quality time

    As I mentioned before, during our long-distance years weeks passed by without us being able to talk to each other. We had to have quality conversations rather than only chit chatting about meaningless things.

    We even added fun and meaningful activities, like carving Halloween pumpkins or having a meal together through the Internet.

    Quality time is essential. Whether you are in a long-distance relationship or just live a busy life with full-time jobs and outside activities, you may not be able to spend as much time as you’d like with your loved one.

    Do something fun together, do something meaningful, have meaningful conversations, pay attention to each other, and express your love like crazy.

    Communication

    Communication is always crucial, especially when you communicate through Skype. We quickly realized that the way we communicated with each other was key to maintain a loving conversation.

    When you communicate with your loved one, remember that love is the key. Speak from the heart.

    Have good intentions and be clear. Discuss problems in a peaceful and loving manner.

    Practice effective active listening skills; do not interrupt the other person, listen and watch. Be mindful.

    Remain calm. Be respectful. Be loving.

    Small acts of kindness

    Small acts of kindness have always been a big part of our relationship. When we were apart we sent each other postcards, eCards, handwritten letters, and songs over email. When we were in the same country we bought each other flowers and made each other some wonderful meals.

    Small acts are vital. Whether it is a small gift, doing the dishes, or giving a hug, it shows your love and support.

    Send flowers, send an ecard, or leave a small note on the table. Bake cookies or make breakfast in bed. Give hugs and kisses for no reason other than to show your love.

    Express Your Love

    Expressing our love for each other was probably the most crucial thing in our relationship. It still is. We always make sure to tell each other how much we love each other, and do it with meaning.

    Love is always the foundation. It’s nearly obvious, but sometimes so obvious that couples tend to forget about it, and saying “I love you” becomes monotonous. But love is the basis and the reason of your relationship.

    So express your love through actions, words, and non-verbal communication. Don’t make “I love you” a routine, but instead always, and I do mean always, say it from the heart.

    Photo by Helene Valvatae An Das

  • The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Shutting People Out

    The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Shutting People Out

    Fence

    “The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.” ~Anne Linden

    After growing up in a household with extremely loose emotional boundaries, I soon learned the importance of establishing my own personal boundaries as quickly and clearly as possible. And, in recent years, I have even managed to become more eloquent about when and how to set them.

    I grew up in a home with my grandmother, mother, and older sister. Grandmother was an immigrant from Hungary who came to America right after WWI. Her husband also came from Hungary a few years later, opened his own butcher shop in New Jersey and died right before the wedding of their only child, my mother.

    My grandmother moved into my mother’s newly established household right away. Although she contributed to expenses, and eventually childcare, she had a very strong personality and tended to dominate the emotional climate of the household, sometimes with a mere look or a snide word. 

    Because of this, my mother felt habitual anxiety and quiet judgment, while my father eventually left.

    Throughout her failing marriage, my mother made the best decisions she could for her family, in the midst of my grandmother’s steadily voiced opinions, while my sister and I acted as the emotional sponges of the household, as all children do.

    And as the younger sister, I had three strong, female personalities trying to temper uncertainty with an attempt to control whatever and whoever they could, resulting in an invasiveness that seemed to soak into my skin.

    Nevertheless, I established an underlying anxiety with a quietly strong and outwardly mellow personality.

    But whenever I became slightly aware that a person around me crossed into my zone of emotional intrusiveness, I would institute a quick and firm boundary, be it a mean word or complete disregard, often at the expense of kindness. 

    At times this seemed necessary and effective, and other times, the solid and immediate boundary was slightly aggressive, mostly pointless, and my anxiety turned inward to anger anyway.

    More often than not, the person I was dealing with had made a simple error in judgment, or I perceived the situation incorrectly.

    Nevertheless, I continued on this path until my mid-thirties when I was introduced to Buddhism and the idea that empathy, kindness, and the credence of fundamental goodness were paramount to living an authentic life.

    Although I thought my quick reactions and unyielding boundary setting for myself were based in genuineness, I was wrong.

    Rigid boundaries were my way of trying to swiftly rid myself of uncomfortable feelings, like anger and fear, often before I had all of the information, and never in a way that evoked compassion.

    As it turned out, I was unequivocally avoiding the present moment and trying to make it less prickly, while I focused on asserting my great, big self. It turned out to be mostly about me, not much about reality, and nothing about kindness.

    Overall, I believe that being assertive is a useful personality trait. But, when unnecessary assertion of self became my go-to reaction in daily situations, it began to feel somewhat silly and clearly was not the person I intended to be.

    Asserting yourself when all that is required is kindness and compassion is not assertiveness at all;  it is selfishness.

    Today, my initial motto in most situations that bring me discomfort is, “Do no thing.” This is not the same as passivity, because it is followed up for four additional habits that allow my values of kindness and compassion to be more in line with my actions and reactions.

    1. Do no thing.

    I was a witness to 9/11. When I saw the buildings go down and looked up at the Empire State Building from my office window, I knew that structure was the next likely target and an immediate, quick decision needed to be made.

    The directors at my office told us to “stay put” in the building, because they believed it was even more dangerous on the street.

    So we sat for the next two hours, and no other planes crashed into the city. In that moment of clear and present danger, the best thing that could be done was nothing and to just reside in the moment as it unfolded.

    I have rarely been in personal situations that needed to be handled immediately. Nevertheless, more often than not, I did handle every social exchange immediately, just to avoid the anxiety of not taking care of that situation.

    I spoke from an impulsive reaction and acted in a similar way. Many times, this resulted in regretful words or behaviors as well as hurt feelings. If only I had done nothing, waited to react, then decided to respond when the words and the time were right, I might have felt more authentic and better more often.

    2.  Self-ish may be too selfish.

    When our only concern is the skin on our backs, we neglect to see the vast picture, including those around us and the earth. In fact, we only see a very minute part of the picture, our own selves.

    When we respond to a situation as a whole, we are not sacrificing ourselves; in fact we are becoming our authentic self and surrendering to the whole of the circumstances, which is closer to the truth.

    3. Clarity can be gentle.

    Most reactions happen with only part of the information. One helpful way to gauge when and how to set a boundary, and avoid shutting the world out, is to ask further questions such as, “Did you mean to say that in this way?” or, “Do you intend to give this inconsiderate message?”

    When the answer is “no,” then you and the other person can communicate and find the real message, a common ground and hopefully mutual, social fulfillment.

    4. Humility goes a long way.

    When we feel sad, bad, or scared, we often blame the behavior of someone else and establish our emotional boundaries around that censure. But most times, this seemingly thoughtless or intrusive person is rarely intending to hurt us, and simply doing the best they can with what they have in their own social climate.

    In fact, whatever anyone else does or says usually has very little to do with us.

    We sometimes believe we are the center of the universe, the star actor in our own dramatic movie. We worry about what others think of us, how others treat us, and what we are getting from each situation.  Actually, we are just one of a few billion ordinary people who all want the same things like love, attention, and happiness.

    When we set boundaries with the realization that we make mistakes too, being kind is much easier. We hear it all the time: “No one is perfect.” Well, this includes us, and when we remember that, the behavior of others becomes less poignant to our ego, and we can act out of compassion rather than anger.

    5. “I’m sorry” is a perfectly perfect last resort.

    I use this one, and I use it often. I make mistakes in my interpersonal interactions and inevitably cross the emotional boundaries of others. Sometimes this happens to me daily.

    Mostly, the best I can do when I have crossed a boundary by saying an unkind word, disregarding the feelings of another, or snipping at my husband is to simply say, “I’m sorry,” and move on.

    When we finally realize that everyone is constantly just doing their best to live among other people, we have fewer resentments, less moments of anger, and can then have the emotional space to generate compassion instead of resentment.

    Photo by Bob Jagendorf

  • Forgiving and Letting Go When You Feel Resentful

    Forgiving and Letting Go When You Feel Resentful

    Heart

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Ghandi

    My childhood was in many ways a nice childhood. I feel like a complete twit to complain about it.  I know other people have gone through so much worse. I’ve read really difficult childhood stories and my heart literally bleeds for these people.

    Growing up I was shy, un-confident, and withdrawn. I treated school mostly like a prison sentence. I put my head down and tried to do my time without falling in with the wrong crowd.

    My parents were, and are, good parents. They provided financially for my brother and I really well.  We had food on the table every evening, and we lived in a nice house. I was never beaten or abused physically in any way, shape, or form. I was lucky.

    I love both my parents so much; I’d do anything for them. However, my love for my parents has led to so much confusion and turmoil inside of me. Why did they never reciprocate it?

    My parents never told me that they loved me. They never hugged me or told me that everything was going to be okay. I can’t even remember being told “well done” or “good job” for something that I did. Instead, on occasion they told me that I was “lazy, stupid, and fat.”

    It would’ve been so easy for them to comfort me occasionally and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Just two minutes of reassurance every so often and I truly feel that I would’ve been a happier kid. My quality of life would’ve been so much greater if I’d received that little bit of love.

    Every day I was scared of school. I felt sad and alone. Anything remotely social would cause my heart to race and adrenaline to fill my little body.

    At night I’d fantasize about having a girlfriend and also having conversations with girls at school. I’d dream about what I’d say to them and how cool I’d be.

    Alas, the next day I’d keep my head down and talk to no one. Every evening I’d be at home playing on my computer, in my room alone, trying to quietly distract myself. 

    Even now, after a decade of working on myself, I occasionally get feelings of fear and self-doubt. “Am I good enough?” I wonder. It has literally taken me years of meditation, self-help, and exposing myself over and over again to scary situations to heal myself.

    I’ve asked my mum several times if she loves me and she tells me “to stop being stupid.” She says that she demonstrates love and that she doesn’t believe in saying things. She demonstrates love by providing for me.

    As a boy and now, I like to receive my love verbalized and given through touch.

    I’m not writing this looking for sympathy. I actually feel a little silly sharing it. There are so many people that have had more difficult lives than me.

    I am writing this as someone who is far more confident than I once was. That being said, my life isn’t perfect.

    Overall, I’m doing great, but this is only after so much struggling, pain, and heartache.

    I definitely could be richer if I hadn’t had to spend many years of my life healing myself. I could be more successful if I’d had the confidence at a younger age to take certain opportunities. I could’ve had more friends if I was more outgoing at school, college, and university.

    My life would’ve definitely been easier without the need for me to constantly struggle against inner pain and fear.

    When things are going well, it’s easier for someone to forgive. When I’m making money and one of my books is appearing in shops it is easy to forgive. “No problem Mum! I love you anyway!”

    It’s easy for “gurus” to preach about how you should forgive when they get up on stage. Of course the guru is happy; things are going great in their life!

    In fact, they have probably rationalized that their success is because of their difficult upbringing.  How much easier is it to forgive a difficult past when you are rich and successful? It definitely takes the edge off things.

    The challenge of forgiveness, though, is when things aren’t going great—when life’s expectations aren’t being met. These are the times when forgiveness is a challenge. Truly letting go can be a lifetime goal, and it’s not easy.

    The first step to forgive is to learn about the person that has wronged you. Find out about their past.  Did their mother or father show them love? Did they feel safe growing up?

    My mum was from an orphanage and was never shown love from her adoptive parents. She was provided for and that was about it. On top of that, my mum was bullied at school because she didn’t have a real family and she was told that she was “stupid, lazy, and fat.” Sounds familiar.

    Most boy bullies were bullied themselves, either by a father or an older brother. When you look into their past and background, it will then be possible to understand that person.

    The next step is to forgive yourself and realize it wasn’t your fault. No one is born unconfident or shy. These are learned behaviors that are developed from our environment.

    It would be completely unreasonable to blame myself for anything. I felt scared and alone, and I did what any child would do, withdraw.

    The final step is to forgive the other person. With the knowledge and understanding you have acquired about the other person it should make this a bit easier.

    Wish that person well and, if possible, send them your feelings of love. Resentment and anger only hurt the person that is carrying them around. There is no benefit in holding onto these or having a victim story. Stories are pointless. Let go and live in the now.

    Finally, if you are struggling with forgiveness, remember that you can transform negative emotions into the drive to be a better person and create a better life.

    Experiencing pain makes you stronger, and being wronged by others helps you understand what you believe is right so you can better for the people around you.

    Because of your past, you have an inner drive plus emotional empathy, which allows you to be a truly amazing individual. Your painful experiences have given you gifts. Use your courage to explore them.

    And if you find you’re still struggling with forgiveness, don’t give up or lose heart, because tomorrow is always a new day.

    Photo by Nicole Abalde

  • 5 Tips to Help You Stop Limiting Your Potential

    5 Tips to Help You Stop Limiting Your Potential

    Like Flying

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I learned one of my biggest lessons in life when I ran into a high school bully many years ago. He was totally different from the last time I saw him. He was now passionate about life and adventure, and he looked very happy.

    He had a thriving textile trading business and he was set to open a clothing store in less than a year.

    After hearing his story, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of myself.

    I realized that in my resentment toward him for hurting me years ago, I had belittled him and didn’t give him a chance to change or prove himself.

    Yes, he made a portion of my teenage life miserable. But it was unfair for me to completely dismiss his capability to turn his life around and unleash his true potential.

    His story was amazing. He spoke many times of taking risks and breaking barriers. He fought his inner demons as he struggled his way to a new life. He also had to resist negativity from some family members about starting his own business.

    I went home that day happy that I had made a new friend, enriched with new life lessons that I acquired from his powerful story.

    I learned from him that it is actually we who sometimes stop ourselves from reaching our full potential by not challenging ourselves. I was no exception; I realized that I too had been stopping myself from growing because of my own inhibitions.

    Long ago after college, I set my mind on taking a master’s degree. I didn’t make any concrete plans because although part of me wanted to to do it, I was scared of the idea of taking higher-level studies while working full time.

    I decided to ignore my fears and apply for admission a few weeks after I met my friend.

    I haven’t earned the degree yet, but I must say my growth and experience while studying was very rewarding. I gained valuable exposure to new research information that wouldn’t have been made available to me had I not signed up.

    I was also able to establish new connections with brilliant-minded people whom I turn to for professional advice and favors even to this day.

    I would like to share with you a few things I learned when I met my new friend; these may help you unleash your own potential.

    1. Let go of bitterness.

    My friend whose story I just shared told me how his parents’ separation affected his attitude in life. He became bitter as he grew, and this prevented him from making early breakthroughs.

    When he was finally able to move on in his mid twenties, he left behind a trail of hurt people and many missed opportunities for personal and professional growth.

    Obviously, he was able to make up for the missed opportunities because he was able to put up his own textile trading business. Nonetheless, he could have done more sooner if he hadn’t let his bitterness hold him back.

    If you’re holding onto anger and resentment, ask yourself: What might you be able to do if you let it go?

    2. Take major risks.

    Take risks. Big ones! That was what my friend did when he started his textile business. He could have asked his rich father for support, but he chose to do it on his own.

    He started out late in life and he wanted to catch up with everyone by going for broke. He said that even if his investment failed, he knew that he’d learn something valuable from that experience.

    Don’t be afraid to try something big. No matter where it takes you, it will enable you to learn and grow.

    3. Drown out the voices that tell you “that’s impossible.”

    Shameful as it was, I dismissed my friend as someone who was destined for misery. I was so distracted by what I was seeing from him on the outside that I thought it was impossible for him to change. But he knew himself better and he successfully turned things around.

    The same can happen for you. No matter what other people say, you have limitless potential to change, grow, and thrive.

    4. Break out of your self-stereotype.

    When I was growing up, I was fixated on the idea that there were only two kinds of kids: the good and the bad. The good kids had a wonderful future ahead, but the bad ones had nothing but misfortune and suffering awaiting them.

    I equated being good with certain types of professions, such as doctors, architects, and teachers. I aspired to be like them, but in my blindness I shut myself from exploring other things that I may have had a chance at excelling in.

    Later when I began trying out other things like writing, I began to see that I not only enjoyed them, but I also seemed to be good at them.

    Don’t limit your possibilities. If there’s something you think you might enjoy, give yourself the opportunity to find out.

    5. Listen when people praise your talents.

    Until not too long ago, I wasn’t keen on listening to people’s suggestions on showing and developing my hidden talents. They said “You’re so good at this! You should be doing this more!” But I dismissed the affirmations, thinking that those abilities were not within the parameters of my self-stereotype.

    We are our own worst enemy, so they say. It was certainly true for me and my friend.

    If you want to unleash your true potential and earn major breakthroughs in your life, you’ve got to start by believing in yourself.

    Photo by erismirror

  • How To Keep Yourself Motivated When You’re Not Feeling It

    How To Keep Yourself Motivated When You’re Not Feeling It

    “A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well.” ~Unknown

    I’m great with short-term goals. In fact, I prefer them. Work my butt off for a few months to reach a goal? I’m down with that. I’ll give up a social life, down time, spending money, eating yummy food (read: sugar), drinking alcohol—whatever it takes, for the short-term. Long-term goals… ugh, not so much.

    Despite this preference for pretty immediate gratification, I have followed through with many long-term goals in my life (school and various trainings, long-distance relationships, starting and re-starting businesses, to name a few).

    There have also been quite a few of these goals that I’ve dropped that I wished I hadn’t.

    I, like many of us, have noticed a pattern of finding it much more difficult to stay engaged once the initial excitement of starting something new has worn off.

    Through this learning process of motivating myself to follow through with longer-view goals, I’ve come up with a few steps that have really helped me to stay focused and on track. Here are three steps that can help.

    Remind yourself that you’re in charge.

    There are loads of reasons we get off track with goals. Self-doubt, fear we won’t succeed, and concern that we are not setting realistic goals are just a few of them.

    This is really important to remember: You can change this goal if you want. You can keep going, you can revise it, or you can dump it altogether.

    When we are experiencing doubts, it’s easy to feel like we have no power; it’s easy to feel like we don’t have a choice. However, most often, we do.

    I find it helps to simply remind myself that I’m in charge. Many times, when the going gets tough, we begin to feel like the choices we made (sometimes long ago) are not our own. Sometimes a reminder to ourselves that we are the ones who originally set this goal is a good way to rev the engine.

    When I first started acupuncture school, I was pretty young, but it had been several years since I’d been in school. I’d been living on my own, partying it up, and doing whatever I liked.

    I saw pretty quickly that I had to get serious, stop staying out late so often, and learn to organize my time and resources far better than I had been. In short, I had to get productive.

    Well, the meltdown that ensued was not very attractive. I didn’t want to give up my young, single, and independent lifestyle! I didn’t want to trade late nights with my friends for late nights with textbooks and manuals!

    That went on for about a week, until a wise friend (who was tired of my whining), said, basically, “You wanted this. Get with it, or quit school.”

    It was the kick in the butt I needed to stop complaining and remember that I did want it. I was very driven to be an acupuncturist, because it’s an amazing modality. And I strongly desired (and continue to desire) to live a life of service.

    I won’t say it was completely smooth sailing from there on out, but my productivity and focus were certainly much improved.

    Look back at all you’ve already achieved.

    If you have been taking steps towards your goal for a while, then it can be great to take some time to consider all that you have already accomplished. All long haul goals take multiple, incremental steps to attain. Pat yourself on the back, and remind yourself of these achievements.

    The thing is, once an incremental step is attained, it can quickly feel like not quite so big of a deal. It becomes commonplace, and it’s not as exciting as it was when we first accomplished it. That’s normal, and understandable, and it’s great to look back occasionally and remind ourselves what a big deal reaching that step really was at the time.

    When I’m frustrated about what feels like a lack of movement toward a goal, I sit down and make a list of the steps I have already enacted to reach it, and what the results of those steps have been. I am almost always surprised at how much I’ve produced. This clarity helps in releasing those feelings of frustration.

    Explore the reasons you’re going for this goal and remind yourself often.

    While I was in school, there were many times when I simply wanted to quit.

    I had student loans (that were growing!). As I mentioned, there was little time for a social and personal life. I was learning a technique that required a very different perspective (energy medicine vs. the physical body) than I had previously.

    Besides that, I was starting to sweat the idea of running my own business. Would I fail? Could I make it work? Maybe I was nuts to think I could succeed at this at all!

    When I’d start to get too caught up in all that noise, I would literally sit down and remind myself of the reasons I’d chosen the path I had.

    I loved acupuncture; despite fear about being self-employed, I craved that independence; I resonated strongly with the concepts of energy I was learning, even if the vocabulary was new.

    Taking the time to have these talks with myself helped to re-invigorate me, to renew my focus, and encouraged me to continue.

    To really follow through with a longer-term goal, we have to have solid reasons that make sense to us.

    That said, goals aren’t set in stone. Like everything in life, it’s good to approach them with flexibility and open-mindedness.

    If you can’t successfully remind yourself of your initial reasons for going for the goal, and get re-ignited about those reasons, then it might be time to re-assess.

    Only we can decide what is best for us, and that can change over time. It’s so important to give ourselves permission to go for goals with full-on focus and gusto, or to change them, or put them aside for a while, or whatever else we decide is right at that time.

    What techniques do you use to keep yourself motivated on your goal-getting journey?

  • Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    “Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

    Dad, who at the time was a fighter pilot in the United States Marine Corps, taught me how to navigate using a compass. The family was on a vacation in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I was nine.

    He got me up that morning before dawn. Mom made us a huge breakfast. I was so excited because I knew that day, I would climb my first mountain.

    No, it wasn’t Mount Everest or even a huge mountain in Colorado, but for a kid who had spent most of his life in the flat lands of the eastern seaboard, the small mountain within eye-shot of the cabin was a monument of great proportions. I was pumped (even though that phrase didn’t exist in the sixties).

    Once outside the cabin and on our way, Dad stopped for a moment. He looked down at me from above and handed me his engineering compass, which he had used during his Survival School Training. It was like being handed a bar of gold because before that day I was not allowed to touch it.

    “Son, we are going to climb to the top of that mountain and you are going to get us there using this compass,” spoke Dad with a seriousness not to be ignored.

    “But Dad…I don’t know how,” whined I to a smiling father.

    Other than the fact that we made the climb safely, including an encounter with a black bear, I remember few things about that day, and I wish Dad was still alive so that I could refresh my cloudy mind. What I do know is this: I never feel lost, even to this day.

    Sure, from time to time in life I feel confused about where I am or where I am going, but I never feel like I will not get where I am supposed to go. 

    With a compass—any compass—one can always pause for a moment in time and figure out where you are so that you can continue. All of us must change course from time to time because what is surrounding us is constantly changing.

    To not flow with change will only invite disaster. Sure, you may not notice a difference at first, but if you fight that which does not wish to be fought, you will suffer in the end.

    “What the heck are you talking about, dude?” you ask.

    Beyond the obvious, what Dad was teaching me at the time did not take on meaning for many years. On the surface, knowing how to navigate with a compass at sea or on land will only come in handy if you are in a situation where most people would declare, “I am lost and my GPS is out of battery power.”

    Beneath the obvious is an enormous lesson about independence and the ability to travel along one’s own path of life—a path which will never be a straight line, a path with many bends, hills, valleys, oceans of fog, storms, and dark forests. 

    The cool thing is this: you have a compass within your being. All of us do. Call it whatever you wish; this is your choice as a human. I have chosen and I call it my inner voice.

    “Again, Frucci…huh?  Please bring this home.” 

    Become immune to other people’s judgment. Their thoughts of you do not matter—this is truth. In fact, some will say that everyone is afraid of you, which is why they will lash out with negativity first.

    Your internal compass is truth. The physical compass my father handed me that day when I was nine was truth.

    The directions of a compass cannot be denied, and when you have faith that what direction you take based on what you see on the compass face is the correct one, you will arrive at the destination you are working toward. Even if you have to change course from time to time in order to go around an obstruction. 

    Your internal compass is the same, but you must listen to that voice and you must have faith in what you already have—an internal guidance system.

    “How do you know this to be true?”

    I cannot prove it anymore than anyone can prove the existence of anything unseen beyond a shadow of doubt. Only the individual can do that. I only know what I know, and what I know is this…

    When I was in high school, my guidance counselor advised me to not apply to a certain university because I was a “C” student, and the only ones who were allowed to go there were much smarter than me.

    He said with the smile of one who professes supreme knowledge, “Don’t waste your time and your money applying there because you will not get accepted.”

    I heard his words, thought about them, and decided that I was not going to allow another person to dictate my future. My parents drove me to the campus of Carnegie Mellon University for a portfolio showing/interview with the Head of the Department of Architecture.

    I took an exam and a few months later they accepted me, and not the straight “A” valedictorian of my high school class.

    After graduating with honors in 1984 I went on to get my architecture license, working as an architect for over twenty years. The guidance counselor was flat out wrong. 

    How many people listen to the words of others who profess supreme knowledge? How many fellow humans allow their hopes and dreams to be squelched by people who do not know what is inside of them?

    My internal compass was screaming at me from within—and I listened.

    Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others—many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice. 

    Quiet your mind now for a moment and listen. What do you hear?

    Remaining in the present moment, which flows with time, knowing the moment is not static, this is how one is able to hear clearly the voice within. What is your greatest challenge? Do something about it beginning now.

    Of course we all can take the advice and counsel of others. I will always listen to the words of ones whom I respect. But the final say, the composite of all the words spoken, will be finally judged by that which is inside of me and on the terms of my personal compass.

    Only you know you completely. No other human will ever come close. So why would you ever let another human decide anything for you?

    It was my personal compass that guided me—the same compass that I still reference in the present moment of time, which flows, the same compass that will always guide me home.

  • 7 Tips for Pursuing Your Passion, Even If You Feel Behind

    7 Tips for Pursuing Your Passion, Even If You Feel Behind

    SONY DSC

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    From center stage I looked out into the crowd as the stage lights warmed my face and did their best to obscure my vision.

    In the half-light of the seating area I spotted the faces of family, friends, many other members of the local jazz community, and other people who had come out to support me. Smiling. Clapping. Congratulating.

    I didn’t feel happy. Not exactly. The situation was too surreal to do much except just notice it. Nor did I feel relief that the event had more or less gone off without a hitch.

    It was the final concert that every jazz performance student at my university has to put on at the end of their third year. For me, it was particularly special because of all the obstacles I’d overcome to get there.

    I’d been accepted into the school having played guitar for two years, when most of the other students had been playing since the beginning of junior high at the very latest.

    And I’d only been accepted because the guitar instructor, who I’d taken a couple lessons with, told the judges panel during my entrance performance that I’d made the most week-to-week progress he’d seen in thirty years of teaching.

    At that time, I could barely even read music. But I knew my instrument well and was ridiculously driven.

    I also had chronic tendonitis.

    That year, I had only picked up my guitar for classes and performances. Otherwise it was too painful to touch. To practice, I would visualize the instrument and play in my head.

    Naturally, my outlet for my frustration over the situation was the very thing I couldn’t do.

    It had been the most challenging year of my life. In third year the gloves came off and we were expected to become true professionals.

    My friends would pull the occasional all-nighter to write an essay or finish a project. For me, practicing until five in the morning had become routine. I would have to laugh to myself when people told me I had it good—that I got to play for work.

    Yet, for that one night, on stage with some of the best musicians in the city—leading them even—I felt like I was truly one of them. The long days and longer nights spent practicing had been validated.

    It would be my final concert. My injuries were too much to continue playing. In hindsight, the growing problem had been incredibly obvious. But at the time, I wanted it so badly I pushed through the pain and threw out the long-term repercussions.

    When I finally stepped off the stage my friend LadyBird ran over and engulfed me with a huge hug, gasping “You did it.” She had been the one who convinced me to pursue music when I was in my last year of high school, and we’d spent countless nights together practicing over the last few years.

    Even three and a half years later, thinking of that night makes my eyes misty. A mélange of joy and sadness.

    The whole experience in the jazz program and the aftermath taught me an incredible amount about myself, life, passion, and persistence. Here are 7 of the main lessons I learned along the way:

    1. Only you can decide whether you’re “good enough” to do something.

    Everyone was a beginner once, and it’s better to start late than never.

    2. Be patient.

    Life will do funny things to throw you off course, but you have your entire life ahead of you to pursue your passion. Things don’t have to happen right away. Take care of the current situation, keep moving forward each day, and you’ll be happy where you end up.

    3. Don’t get so caught up in your passion that you neglect the other important areas of your life.

    I neglected my health and to a lesser extent, my relationships when I was pursuing my passion for music.

    Passion, that fire that burns brightly inside us, can push us to incredible heights. But it can also consume and destroy.

    Leading a well rounded life will make it easier to appreciate your passion and share it with the world than locking yourself away to pursue a narrow, single purpose.

    4. Ask for help from people have gone through what you are.

    Often we feel like asking questions is a sign of weakness, like we’re admitting our own ignorance. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re admitting a willingness to learn and displaying humility.

    5. When you’re at your lowest moment, you’re near a huge breakthrough—even if it’s not the one you expected.

    It’s how we handle the worst moments that ultimately determine our success.

    6. Appreciate how amazing it is that you even have an opportunity to pursue a passion.

    That puts you in a minority of all the people who have ever lived. You don’t have to hunt/gather food, farm the land, or otherwise spend every moment focusing on your survival.

    You get to do something for the pure and simple fact that you enjoy it.

    And that’s amazing.

    7. Never, ever give up.

    I lied earlier. It wasn’t actually my last concert. Only the last one until the next one.

    Photo by Shan Sheehan

  • Stop Comparing: No One Can Do a Better Job of Being You

    Stop Comparing: No One Can Do a Better Job of Being You

    Smiling

    “Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

    For fifteen years I gave up on art.

    I’d been an “artistic” kid, always drawing and painting, but by first or second grade I was already comparing my work to that of other kids and judging it as inferior.

    At thirteen I quit making art altogether. There were other kids who could draw so much more realistically than I could—kids to whom anything artistic just seemed to come naturally—and I jumped to the conclusion that their superior skills meant that they were the artists, and that therefore I wasn’t.

    I was the poster child of “compare and despair syndrome,” caught in the comparison trap so badly that the only escape route seemed to be just giving up.

    Then fifteen years later, when I was twenty-eight, I found myself fascinated with the art of calligraphy.

    I started playing with paper and pens, and it was as if I’d opened a floodgate: soon I was accumulating books and supplies, immersing myself in classes and workshops, rekindling the joy in creating that I’d felt as a young child, before the comparison trap shut me down.

    Those harsh self-judgments hadn’t gone away, however.

    I’d pore through my calligraphy books and magazines, tears streaming down my face because I just knew my work would never be as good as the pieces on those pages. Every workshop I went to offered more opportunities for comparison with people whose work felt so vastly superior to mine.

    I got stuck in the comparison trap so often it’s amazing I managed to make any progress at all.

    I remember one workshop in particular, about a year into my calligraphic adventure. The class was all about making decorated initials, and the teacher offered technique after technique to spark our creativity. After each demonstration we’d all race back to our tables to try out what we’d learned.

    My comparison trap gremlins—those voices that try to convince me that my work is inferior to everyone else’s—were working overtime.

    The woman sharing my work table, Linda, had years of experience under her belt, and the work she was creating showed evidence of her skill and expertise.

    Beyond that, though, it was just so creative! The colors she used were so exciting! Her ideas were so cool and interesting!

    My own work felt so pathetic in comparison.

    Her work inspired me to try new things, but still, nothing I made felt as fresh as what she created. My spirits wavered back and forth between excitement at playing with paper and color, and despair that nothing I created was as beautiful as my table partner’s work.

    As the weekend went on, we spread our small exercises out on the floor near our tables so everyone could see the product of our work. With each new addition to our “galleries,” my ego shrunk smaller and smaller, and my negative self-talk got louder.

    “Her work is so amazing!” said my gremlins, “Why can’t you make work like that? Your work is so boring!”

    Imagine my surprise when Linda turned to me and said, “Melissa, your work is so amazing! My work is so boring—I wish I could make work like yours!”

    I was astonished. How could she say that? Her work, boring?

    To me, her work was fresh and exciting. But as we talked I realized that what was felt fresh and exciting to me, to Linda felt like the same old stuff she’d been doing forever.

    *Click!*

    Suddenly, it was as if the world shifted two degrees to the left. Like I was seeing everything through a different lens.

    Maybe the truth wasn’t that my work was inferior to Linda’s. Maybe it was simply that her work felt more interesting and exciting to me than my own because it came from her unconscious, her personality, her sensibility—all of which were, of course, totally unknown and mysterious to me.

    My own unconscious, personality, and sensibility might not be completely known to me, either, but I know them better than I do anyone else’s, so by definition what springs from me is going to feel less fresh to me than what springs from someone else.

    What could I do but laugh? I shared with Linda that I’d been admiring and envying her work all weekend, that I’d tried to emulate her work to make mine more interesting, and she confessed she’d been doing the same on her end, incorporating elements of my work that she particularly liked.

    I learned an important lesson that weekend.

    I learned that my job is not to judge the value of my creations, but simply to create. My job as an artist is to express me, to pull out the unique expression that can only exist because it’s coming from inside me, and there is only one me.

    Your job as a creator is to express you.

    Martha Graham said it best, in this quote, which is posted on my wall near my workspace:

    There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.

    It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.

    You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

    ~ Martha Graham

    I remind myself all the time that it’s not my business to determine how good or valuable my expression is, or how it compares with others. It is my business to keep it mine, to be me—that is where the true value of my creativity lies.

    Of course the same is true for you.

    Compare and despair syndrome doesn’t only keep us stuck when it comes to creative endeavors, however. It’s easy to get stuck in the comparison trap in all areas of life!

    The way someone dresses, their choice of a career or lifestyle, the style of their home décor, their food choices or exercise routine—I’ve stepped into the comparison trap around each and every one of these things and more.

    From where I sit, what someone else is doing, the choices they make, can so often seem much more sparkly and fresh than my own life.

    What to do? Simply remind myself of what I learned in that workshop with Linda: that other people’s choices will feel more interesting and exciting to me than my own because they come from their unconscious, their personality, their sensibility—all of which are, of course, totally unknown and mysterious to me.

    Just like in that workshop with Linda, I allow myself to try things out, using the comparison trap as a gauge to help me experiment and grow. I ask myself: Does this different way of being in the world work for me? Is there something here that I can customize to fit my own needs and desires?

    Then I remind myself that, in the end, there’s no comparison. No one in the world can do a better job of being me.

    Photo by Marjan Lazarevski

  • Building Confidence to Face a Fear Instead of Hiding from It

    Building Confidence to Face a Fear Instead of Hiding from It

    Fear

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I was very shy growing up, especially in lower and middle school. I moved from the US to London when I was five. Although I don’t remember a lot of my experience in lower school in London, I do know that when I first started I refused to speak or read aloud.

    I was in a completely new environment. I was confused and anxious, and it made me afraid of new situations.

    As the year progressed I settled in pretty well. I made friends and would not have a problem speaking in class. Everything seemed to be going well until I switched schools at thirteen and dealt with two years of harassment and bullying.

    By this point, I was going through puberty and started to care about my appearance. From the get-go, I would always compare myself to others, and it would make me anxious and self-conscious.

    I had a hard time making friends because I would be so focused on what they were thinking about me when talking to them that I couldn’t focus on the conversation. I couldn’t open up to people either, which made me feel as if it was impossible to truly connect with them.

    I felt different from everyone. But I tried to hide it the best that I could, and it became a quiet inner battle.

    When I was being bullied at school, I tried to keep all my emotions inside and hide them, which is probably the worst thing I could have done. I would literally dread getting up in the mornings for school.

    Then one day I had to give an oral presentation to my class. I was already nervous to stand up in front of everyone and have their attention on me. But to make it worse, they would make faces, smirk, laugh, and whisper. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying.

    I had a panic attack. My heart was beating so hard and so fast, my body was shaking all over and so was my voice. This only made me panic more, and as a result I lost my voice and couldn’t speak.

    My teacher recognized what was going on and told me to sit down. I have never been more embarrassed in my life, and that day brought my self-confidence down to an all-time low. After that, every time I found out I had a presentation coming up, it would give me so much anxiety. I would do anything to avoid it.

    Sometimes I would skip class or pretend to be sick. I actually remember one time I just bawled my eyes out in the car with my mom, just begging her to let me stay home.

    It was a true phobia; my body would go into panic mode whenever I would stand up in front of people because it thought I wasn’t safe. And running away from the situations only made it worse and made me have even lower self-worth than I had to begin with.

    My parents recognized something was going on, and they let me switch schools shortly after. I immediately felt a lot more accepted there and took the opportunity of a fresh, new start to not be afraid.

    I knew it would be easier to tackle my fear of public speaking here, since I no longer felt threatened by my peers. But I also knew that practice would help me develop the confidence to face future situations when I might feel judged again.

    I realized:

    1. It only makes things worse to avoid the thing that scares you.

    The more you face your fear, the more likely you are to realize that you are safe and able to so. And if there are parts of facing your fear that feel unsafe, you will realize through repeated exposure that you are strong enough to confront and deal with them. 

    2. The more you face the fear, the less terrified you’ll feel.

    I stopped allowing myself to skip the days where I had to give a public speech and instead forced myself to do it, which made me feel a sense of accomplishment. It also allowed me to get better at keeping my nerves under control.

    3. Focus on your breath, not your fear.

    The beginning of the speech is always the hardest for me, so I taught myself to focus on my breathing in the minutes leading up to it. When you’re in a situation that terrifies you, inhale slowly, exhale slowly, and concentrate on that. It will help you stay grounded instead of getting caught up in fearful thoughts.

    4. Practice builds confidence.

    I would avoid preparing for my speech because even the thought of doing that would make me nervous. When I took the time to really perfect my speeches, I felt far more confident doing it because everything would flow much better.

    I am so happy to say that now I can handle presentations. They no longer make me nervous, and I don’t hide from them anymore.

    In fact, now that I am long out of junior high, I look forward to public speaking because each time I give a presentation I feel this huge sense of accomplishment. I have also learned to apply these same ideas to any other situation that triggers anxiety, such as job interviews or anything that requires the focus to be entirely on me. 

    I feel like a totally different person now that I know how to deal with and control my anxiety. I still experience situations where I feel anxious, but it’s nothing like it used to be, and that’s a truly amazing feeling.

    If you are faced with an anxiety-provoking situation, the best thing you can do is face it. Know that you are strong enough and completely capable. You just need to build your confidence—and you will if you stick with it.

    Photo by Eric Chan

  • Dealing with Loss: 3 Uplifting Truths About Death and Grief

    Dealing with Loss: 3 Uplifting Truths About Death and Grief

    Enlightenment

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    I stared at my reflection in the mirror as my face contorted into a painful grimace, tears streaming down my cheeks. My throat constricted to keep the sobbing at bay. My grandmother was dying, and this is how I coped with death: by falling apart.

    I was lucky; this is the way death is “supposed” to go. Grammy was 96 and had lived out her old age in comfort.

    While I knew I would miss her kisses and the way she generously dished out advice, it would be selfish to insist on keeping her here, as if that were an option. Grammy said that she was ready and that this plane held little thrill for her anymore. The inevitable end was here, and yet I was still a giant mess.

    I’d recently been through a wonderful and dizzying period of self-discovery and growth. I’d dug my self-confidence up from the basement and lifted her to the heavens. I had gotten a handle on all my self-sabotaging behaviors, like drinking wine to escape. I even wrote a popular course to help others break bad habits, gain a sense of purpose, and start living big.

    I finally felt like my real life had begun, like I knew who I was, and my need for validation from others had finally dropped away.

    Yet my present breakdown was glaring evidence that we’re never done growing. We’re always evolving to higher and higher ground. We will never “arrive” and there is no final destination in this life, except for death.

    In the coming days as I wrestled with my grief, I was presented with the following three uplifting truths about death.

    1. Death is the ultimate deadline.

    I’m a True Blood fan, but from watching the show and seeing how vampires handle the understanding that they’ve been granted everlasting mortality, it occurs to me that none of them really accomplish all that much.

    Take the case of Eric Northman, who was a Viking when he was turned into a vampire. He’s been roaming the planet for 1,000 years, give or take a few hundred. You’d think that with all that time to dream, plan, and accomplish he could be a motivational speaker, prolific author or artist, or a talk show host with success that rivals Oprah’s. So what is he? He’s a bar owner.

    Death provides humans with the ultimate deadline. Behaviors that hasten this deadline, health-destroying habits like sloth and overeating, are a means of living suicide, of acting dead, and distracting us from fully living.

    When we’re presented with evidence of our own mortality, so many of us wake up and decide that we’re going to cast aside these old habits, figure out what would make us feel happy and fulfilled, and then go do that.

    2. We can’t enjoy life in the absence of darkness.

    Imagine the most glorious spring day of your life. You’re walking around outside, enjoying the perfect temperature that supports your physical comfort. The sunshine makes you feel perky and happy, the trees are blooming, and you feel hopeful and alive.

    Now what if the only weather you’d ever known was like this spring day? Most of us would immediately say, “Yes, that would be great! That’s the only weather I’d ever need to know.”

    There are people who live in climates like this year round and they appreciate it, but the reason they can appreciate it is because they know there are places like London where it rains a lot, or places that are cold and windy and dark for much of the year.

    If all we were ever shown was perfection and we never witnessed a contrast to that perfection, we wouldn’t have a frame of reference for knowing how perfect it is.

    We can’t enjoy life in the absence of darkness. We need a contrast—of sickness to truly enjoy and appreciate our health, and to endure rainy days to fully appreciate the sunshine. We need to know that death exists in order to truly appreciate life and to fully live it.

    3. Grief is fleeting.

    As I stood in front of that mirror, my throat feeling closed off as I tried to keep back the sobs, it occurred to me to physically open up into my grief, to relax into it and to receive it into my body rather than continuing to resist it.

    I knew that physically resisting my grief was painful in my chest and throat. I became curious to know what it would feel like if I allowed the grief to come to me.

    I leaned into it. When I stopped resisting it and I breathed my grief into my lungs and tried to let it fill me, a most curious thing happened: my grief escaped me.

    When you let it in, grief comes and goes. When you resist grief, and when you close your body physically to the experience, then grief hovers around you in an attempt to gain entry. When you invite grief in, it will come and set a spell, and then it wanders off while other emotions visit with you.

    When you lose a loved one, grief will come back to visit with you, again and again. But if each time grief comes knocking you allow it come in, over time, grief will come back less and less frequently and for shorter and shorter periods of time.

    Eventually, when you think of your loved one, rather than thinking of loss, you’ll honor their memory with a smile.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • How Our Attractions Can Help us Learn to Complete Ourselves

    How Our Attractions Can Help us Learn to Complete Ourselves

    strolling

    “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Browne

    The first time I was stung with the notion of a soul mate, I was twelve years old. I had accompanied my mother to the wedding of a family friend. The church was blissful, the bride beautiful, and the way the groom looked at her had me thinking that one day this would be me.

    Almost instantly, I felt that I was already one half of the most beautiful love story, like a divine wave of love magically swept me into thinking that my soul mate, my proverbial “other half,” was waiting for me to find him so that we could live our lives together in wedded bliss.

    Of course, I was only twelve years old, which was just a little too young for that. But romantic dreams and fantasies soon followed, and they came and went as swiftly as two attractions I experienced as an adult.

    These attractions were powerful magnetic pulls, but unfortunately, the other thing they had in common was that both represented unattainable love. 

    It would have been impossible for these connections to transform into anything lasting. However, at their height, they lured me into a spiral of passion and longing for that sense of completeness that I thought only they could bring.

    The first of these attractions was to a man I met at the age of nineteen. A couple of years older than I, he was about to become an ordained priest and was in absolutely no position to be married to anyone but the church. Still, I was enchanted. He mesmerized me and piqued my interest in ways I didn’t understand.

    The second was with someone I met later. A free spirit who will, most likely, always want to make his life on the beach, he was not one for any type of commitment or responsibility. However, he liked me. And, I really liked him. To this day I feel happy to have met him.

    These men touched something in me, and each brought back my teenage belief in the existence of that proverbial “other half.” But both were also unavailable. If I would have actively pursued them, I would have dived into an emotional cesspool of heartache and drama. 

    So what was it then that made them so attractive? And why did they make me feel even fleetingly complete?

    I only found the answers to these questions later in life when I embarked on my journey back to Self.

    It was through meditation and self-reflection, imperative tools to my journey, that I slowly began to understand how these attractions were actually reflecting hidden parts of me.

    In other words, both these men in a way were indicative of my soul mate because they were pointing to parts of my true “other half,” my inner soul mate. They were pointing to aspects of my inner self. 

    As the first man touched upon, what was at the time, my underdeveloped spiritual side which held my need for prayer, meditation, and service to a higher power; the second man connected to another part of me—the part that was undisciplined, relaxed, and carefree, a part I always did my best to fight against.

    My heart and soul had picked up on something my brain couldn’t understand. These individuals were representing qualities within myself that needed my attention. 

    Through my journey, I learned a lot about these types of connections and, the more I did, the less I looked for anyone outside of myself to complete me.

    If you are struggling with a confusing attraction, unattainable love, or a complicated relationship that is causing you pain, yet you feel this person, in some way, completes you, I would take time out to self-reflect.

    Ask yourself what is pulling you the most toward this person.

    For instance, if the object of your attraction is a musician, could he or she be reflecting the musician in you? This is something you may wish to explore possibly through singing, learning how to play a musical instrument, or writing a song.

    If it’s not something musical, creative, or artistic, it could also be that they are pointing to an aspect of your sensuality—an underdeveloped inner energy like your inner masculine or inner feminine.

    For example, if you grew up in an aggressive environment where there wasn’t a compassionate, nurturing presence, and as a result, did not develop those qualities within yourself, you may be attracted to someone else who has them in spades simply because you’re seeking balance.

    When we meet someone and feel a magnetic pull toward them, their purpose in our life may not be one of romantic relationship or even one of deep or long lasting friendship. And, certainly, it does not mean they will or can ever possibly complete us.  

    Nevertheless, these types of attractions are important and magical because even when we don’t realize it, to varying degrees, we are seeing ourselves in another person.

    These attractions come into our lives to guide us. Each, in its own unique way, directs our attention to the parts of ourselves we need to see the most. Then, once seen, we begin to experience true completeness—that sense of wholeness that can only be found within.

    And it’s only when we’re already whole that we can feel complete in a relationship with someone else.

    Photo by Tony Hall

  • The Power of Surrendering: Let Go of Control to Be Peaceful and Free

    The Power of Surrendering: Let Go of Control to Be Peaceful and Free

    Let Go

    “The reality is that tomorrow is most certainly uncertain and no matter how many expectations we form, tomorrow will come, tomorrow will go, and it will be what it will be.” ~Lori Deschene

    I have never known how to surrender to just about anything. Surrendering is giving up control, and this is something I have never been good at doing.

    From an early age I coped with tension and negativity by trying to will things to be different. This caused me a great deal of anxiety because trying to will anything to go your way is not only exhausting, but also impossible.

    My efforts always wound up seeming fruitless, and I often felt that many things were out of my control, starting with my home life.

    I am the second of five children, so money was always tight. My mom worked two jobs as a nurse, and my dad had his own struggles. The financial strain at home was bad, but the emotional one was much worse.

    I wanted so badly for my parents to get along, and yet it seemed to always be out of my control. No matter how much effort I put into not creating waves, nothing helped. I never learned to relax. I felt like if I was constantly on some sort of emotional alert, somehow the blows wouldn’t hurt so much.

    That was never the case. Soon it seemed I was anxious even in peaceful moments because I always expected those quiet and happy times to be the calm before the storm.

    School did nothing to help my anxiety. I had a close knit group of friends beginning in junior high, most of whom I am still very close to now; however, I never truly felt comfortable in my own skin as an adolescent.

    I was a beanpole growing up, but then suddenly my body changed in my early teens, and not in a way that I liked. I noticed how much wider my hips were than my friends’, and how I had to wear a size fourteen when everyone else was wearing a size four.

    During this time I made a promise to myself that I would grow up to be much different. One day my life would be mine, and I would be able to control it to be just how I wanted. I would finally surrender to the palpable joy of my wonderful life.

    This mindset did nothing to cultivate a healthy young adulthood, though. Instead, it led to bad relationships (the “I can change him” mentality) and an eating disorder (I thought I could control my body, if nothing else).

    Time did heal some old wounds, and eventually I stepped away from the bad body image and found myself in a happy, healthy marriage. Yet I found that my anxiety had stuck around. I really thought that once I had a wonderful husband and a great job, all of my worries would be over, that suddenly the anxiety I had growing up would cease to exist.

    Why wouldn’t it? Clearly I would have nothing to worry about—except I still find so many things to worry about: My parents getting older, my own finances, my dogs’ health, and even my marriage.

    It doesn’t help that I’m a fixer. You have a problem? Give me a few minutes and I can solve it. Can’t find a job? I am your woman. Need psychological help? I will forward you my counselor’s information.

    The trouble is, most of the time this is unsolicited, and I find myself trying to fix issues I have absolutely no business fixing. These aren’t my problems and, quite frankly, it is exhausting trying to fix other people’s lives while also finding time for my own issues.

    I have a hard time understanding that not involving myself doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care enough to believe someone else can solve their problems without me.

    I have never enjoyed trying to control things. I truly want nothing more in life than to just let go, let things happen for what they are. I have just never been able to loosen my grasp.

    The closest I ever came to surrendering myself, mentally and physically, was when I went skydiving. I put my trust and faith (and life) in both the pilot and tandem jumper. I remember the guy I jumped with giving me instructions as we ascended into the sky.

    The instruction I remember the most was that under no circumstance should I try and grab onto any part of the plane on my jump out, especially the wing. If I did, not only would I risk getting hurt, but also would risk the lives of everyone in the plane, including my eventual husband.

    For a split second I panicked: “What if my inner control freak rears its ugly head and tries to grab ahold of something during the jump?”

    But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I would not grab onto anything. I didn’t want to get hurt, and I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

    And so I jumped. I went free falling out of a plane from 10,000 feet in the air, probably plummeting at about 100 miles per hour.

    It was amazing. It was freeing. It was surreal. It was eye opening.

    There I was, falling from the sky without the ability of manipulating anything in my favor. For once, I had absolutely no control of an outcome. I had to accept that, put my faith in someone else for a brief moment, and just let the chips fall where they may.

    It took jumping out of a plane for me to get it, but at that moment I finally felt how freeing it is to let go and surrender control.

    I used to hate people telling me things would be okay. At my lowest and saddest points it seemed like things wouldn’t be okay because I was unable to control any outcome.

    I once had a boyfriend who told me this, even as I sobbed on his porch about how horrible my life was. I asked him how he knew that things would be okay. He didn’t have an answer. I was angry that he would tell me things would turn out all right when he could make no guarantee that they would.

    Looking back on that day, I realize now how unrealistic it is to expect any guarantee you that your future turns out all right. Life makes no promises and is not obligated to guarantee anything. The way things are doesn’t always follow what we want.

    I have spent many of my happiest days clouded by anxiety because I’ve been simultaneously waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to re-learn the simplest things, like how to just enjoy a moment for what it is without worrying about some impending doom.

    I need to allow myself to trust more instead of panicking about everything that could go wrong. It won’t be easy, and it will probably make jumping out of a plane seem like a piece of cake. But just like with the wing of the plane, I need to allow myself the freedom from constantly grabbing for safety.

    I once sang The Beatles’ “Let it Be” to audition for a high school play. I read that Paul McCartney wrote it after having a dream in which his late mother came to him during a difficult time in his life. She told him to let things be and that they would all turn out okay in the end.

    A simple song has helped me scratch the surface and realize profound beauty in just letting things be what they are.

    It is through letting go that I can finally bid farewell to my anxiety and learn to see this life in a new light, one that isn’t controlled. It will be a life in which I allow things to happen as they do and land just where they are meant to land. It will be a life in which I finally learn to surrender.

    It’s only in surrendering that we can be peaceful and free.

    Photo by Lachian Rogers

  • The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    Path of Heart

    “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

    In my late thirties, I attended a workshop that was led by a group of coaches. One of the exercises we did was called the “future self-exercise,” a visualization that took me twenty years into my future.

    During the meditation, I was greeted by my future self: a gorgeous, happy, free older me dressed in purple, one of my favorite colors. Her hair was long, flowing, and brown. (So I guess the future me dyed her hair!)

    She was walking on the beach in Maui near her home. She told me that her name was “Warrior Woman.” I was uncomfortable at first with that word, warrior, as my mind associated it with violence.

    When I told her that, she explained that being a warrior meant feeling one’s power with a relaxed, gentle heart. She was supremely calm and peaceful, and I instantly trusted her in every cell of my body.

    Her energy, like that of a child’s merry-go-round, represents the circle of life: moving around and around slowly and happily, experiencing everything joyfully.

    I still have a ways to go—my current energy is closer to that of Disneyland’s Space Mountain: in the dark, not exactly sure where I’m going yet clearly on the right path, loving action, loving speed.

    But what my encounter with Warrior Woman gave me was a vision of myself to work toward.

    Being human, I fixate on what is outside me. I feel the pain of wanting to control things I cannot control. My ego acts like it’s in charge, which can lead to my complaining or acting like a wounded puppy. It is in these times that I remind myself of the warrior’s path.

    The path of heart, the path that leads to love, is a warrior’s path.

    A warrior protects and empowers him or herself and their world. A warrior is centered in their love and therefore experiences deep peace. A warrior is worthy of love and knows this through and through. A warrior knows how to balance being proactive with simply being.

    But warriors are not born. We are made.

    You have a warrior sleeping within you. He is a master of life, of his domain and body. You sense him when you feel the will to do what’s right in the face of adversity. You hear her whisper when you know deep down that the harder path is the one you must take. You feel her rejoice when you experience moments of worthiness, joy, and love. 

    There are five steps on the warrior’s path:

    1. Know and accept who you are now—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    This step is about revisiting who we are and seeking what is true, even if it’s challenging. This truth is both where you’ve come from and where you are.

    For example, for years I had denied the truth of my abusive childhood in an effort to protect myself. I refused to reflect on the experience or acknowledge that it had influenced my life. But actually acknowledging it was the way out of my pain.

    I also woke up to the truth of my adult life—the fact that I was still making choices from that place of abuse. Acknowledging the truth empowered me instead of enraging me.

    2. Have something worth striving for.

    As we first move into self-love, we often need something beyond ourselves to strive for. It’s easy to fight for someone you love, but you might not love yourself just yet. So until we can fully experience and know that we ourselves are worth it, we must find what or who is worth it in the meantime.

    It can be a relative, a friend, or a personal goal. Having that motivation helps us to actualize our true potential, and in doing so, we realize our own true worth. 

    3. Take action toward your vision.

    When we identify what in our life is worth striving for, we feel the power of our will. We feel as though we are being carried on the tide of purpose. This energy must be channeled into action.

    Consider what you’re saying to yourself and your life when you identify something worth striving for and then do nothing. That’s like researching a fantastic hike, packing your bags, driving to the mountain—and then sitting in the parking lot.

    If you’re struggling to know what to do, I suggest you get quiet and ask for an answer. “Dear Universe: I am unsure of my next action step. Please help me see it and make it clear to me.” Then watch and notice what begins to show up in your life (observation is action).

    4. Let go of the outcome.

    This seems counterintuitive and maybe even ridiculous.

    You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like. Then you found something near and dear to your heart worth striving for. And now I’m telling you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want.

    Growth begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them—not in achieving them. Achievement is still the goal, but you only get there by letting go of the need for it.

    In other words, I invite you to fall in love with the process, with the transformation, growth, and healing you are experiencing for its own worth. 

    5. Choose to contribute. 

    It’s only human to think of ourselves first. But now, grow beyond yourself. We do this to fully become ourselves—yet another irony.

    What can I give? How will my life have mattered? These are the questions that lead our feet onto the path of the warrior.

    Their answers provide the heart. Service is at the core of love. This may be calling an elderly relative once a week, working at a soup kitchen, or volunteering at your child’s school, not out of guilt or obligation, rather out of love.

    Transformation won’t come overnight; periods of obsessing and anger over old wounds are all part of the ride.

    Of course I laugh when I find myself using my frenetic, Space Mountain energy—the energy that says I have to do something, and do it quickly (I have always loved amusement parks, and now I understand why).

    I still talk to my warrior and ask her for her wisdom. She feels like the mother in me. I consider my teaching how I do my mothering in the world. The knowledge that warrior is both someone I aspire to be and someone I already am carries me through this adventure called life.

    There’s a warrior in you too. Can you feel it?

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • A Simple Way to Make the World a Little Better Every Day

    A Simple Way to Make the World a Little Better Every Day

    Giving

    “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia

    When I was seventeen years old, I decided to make a change.

    Instead of keeping my opinions to myself, I was going to start sharing them.

    Every time I had a kind thought about someone, I was going to tell them. And anytime I heard a compliment about someone who wasn’t in the room, I would let them know.

    If I loved someone’s outfit in the grocery store, I was going to say so. When my sister did something brave, I would tell her. When I felt a rush of affection for my best friend, I’d voice it. And when someone called a colleague brilliant, I would shoot them a note.

    This was something new for me. For whatever reason, I usually kept my nice thoughts to myself. I wasn’t in the habit of doling out compliments.

    And, yet, when I got a random compliment, it changed the shape of my entire day, sometimes my entire week.

    And so, at seventeen, I decided to change.

    It sounds like a pretty simple change to make in your day-to-day life, but even simple changes can be hard. Because so much of what we do is habit. If we’ve been keeping our thoughts to ourselves for twenty or thirty or even just seventeen years, it can be tough to start speaking up.

    But when you do make a commitment to make a small change like that, it can have a massive ripple effect. It can change your relationships. It can change your perspective. It can change the course of a life.

    And boy did it.

    The first time I complimented a stranger, he fell in love with me. Other times, I earned smiles, thoughtful pauses, and quiet, sincere thank-yous.

    But the most powerful change I saw was in the ripple effect that my decision had on those around me. In particular: on two girls that I met on my trip to Costa Rica later that year.

    It was a volunteer trip for teenagers and I was what they called a MAG Leader—a sort of camp counselor who roomed with and took responsibility for the wellbeing of five girls.

    Two of my five girls did not get along. They barely spoke, and when they did it was to antagonize the other. One girl made physical threats. Both did a lot of talking behind each other’s backs—until I introduced my compliment commitment to the group.

    I sat the girls in a circle and handed out index cards. Each index card had one of our names written on the front. And I told the girls that we were going to take a few minutes to pass around these cards.

    On each card, they should write one thing they really admired about the person whose name was on the card. One sincere compliment.

    Afterward, each girl got the card with her name on it.

    At the end of the few minutes we spent with these index cards, the two teenaged enemies were shocked to discover that the other person had something really insightful to put on their card. One girl commented on the strength and confidence of the other. The second girl admired the poise of the first.

    Suddenly and without meaning to, these girls respected each other. Suddenly, they each had something positive to say about the other.

    They never became best friends. But the bad-mouthing and the threats and the antagonism just melted away. A grudging respect and even courtesy took their place.

    This is when I really understood the power of compliments. The power of saying the kind things we think.

    It doesn’t take that much effort. You don’t have to manufacture a compliment for every person that passes by. But by simply voicing the nice thoughts that go through all our heads on a daily basis—“I love your sweater,” “What a beautiful smile,” “You’re so brave,” “I’m so glad we’re friends”—we can make the world just a little bit better every day.

    Photo by Kate Ter Haar

  • Happiness Doesn’t Make Us Grateful; Gratitude Makes Us Happy

    Happiness Doesn’t Make Us Grateful; Gratitude Makes Us Happy

    Thankful

    “In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

    A few years ago, my life was chaotic. I drank too much, slept too little, and always went with the flow. I didn’t look out for myself emotionally and physically. I burned the candle at both ends and eventually wore myself out.

    I often felt depressed. After my parents’ divorce when I was 18, I lost the closeness I used to feel with my family. My entire focus was on what I didn’t have anymore.

    I was in a never ending loop of feeling depressed, turning to alcohol, disappointing the people closest to me, then feeling more depressed. I had envisioned that I would grow up and my parents would still be a part of my life, but instead I felt like everyone was going their separate ways.

    My dreams of my parents being there for my future wedding were dashed. Celebratory events in my life would never include both of my parents. I was frustrated. It was draining and costly to my soul.

    I wasn’t aware of it then, but I also carried around so many regrets and resentment from childhood. When I was 7 years old, a stranger abused me during a field trip with my ballet troupe.

    The shame and confusion I felt from this experience followed me like a dark cloud. I regretted being too scared to tell anyone. I think in some ways I resented the fact that no one was able to help me.

    When my parents divorced I felt abandoned and it brought back a lot of those terrible feelings. It was like I was slowly imploding. I thought about the past and talked about the past while completely missing the present.

    After years of letting this build up inside me, it finally hit a breaking point. The hurt I was causing myself and family had boiled over. Something had to change.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011. The world as I knew it came crashing down.  When you’re told you have a life-threatening illness it’s interesting how quickly everything else falls to the side. Time stands still and the past disappears. All you have is now.

    Being thrust into the present I no longer had time for resentments or any negativity at all. I needed all of my energy to fight for my life. Everything I carried with me for so long seemed insignificant to the battle I was about to face.

    Treatment for cancer can have a way of de-humanizing you, at least at first. It strips you down to your basic core self. I felt like a child most of the time. I was completely dependent on my doctors.

    It was like I was scrambling around in the dark, reaching for a hand to pull me out. I was vulnerable and had zero control over the outcome.

    I think sometimes in life we walk around with the illusion we’re in control. To some degree we are, but when faced with an illness you can very quickly be brought to your knees.

    We have a tendency to take life for granted. We just assume we’ll wake up everyday and be healthy. I got so comfortable with the day to day of my life that I forgot what a gift it actually is. It took almost losing that gift for me to finally open my eyes.

    Toward the end of treatment I felt reborn. All of the negative feelings I had about my parents’ divorce faded away. I was finally able to just let it go. My spirit felt calm. I felt optimistic about life again. My spirituality was soaring at heights I had never experienced before.

    Through sickness I found myself. I discovered who I really am and what I’m really about.  I was flooded with forgiveness toward my parents and I was ready to ask for forgiveness for all my crazy behavior.

    During the course of cancer treatment I was able to mend and rebuild my relationship with my parents. I now have happiness that I only dreamed of before. I realize now how much time I wasted being unhappy and I’ll never do it again.

    I wake up every morning grateful to have another day, to have another chance at this wonderful experience called life.

    I make it a priority to eat well and exercise. I rarely drink. I have a disciplined sleep schedule. I go to great lengths to take care of myself on an emotional level, everyday. My body really held up for me during treatment and now I’m paying it forward!

    Recovery from cancer has not always been an easy road. I won’t pretend there aren’t any bumps. My new outlook on life doesn’t allow me to wallow in it; instead, I count all my blessings and keep pushing forward.

    I feel like I turned the most negative experience of my life into a positive experience by taking the lessons I learned while sick and really making the necessary changes in my life. I’m thankful to be given a second chance.

    And, the life I had envisioned for myself? This is what I figured out. I don’t have to hang on so tight for something that isn’t working.

    By letting go of the one that wasn’t working, I naturally created a new vision. This is one of the most freeing things I have ever done for myself. My new vision is attainable, my new vision is already happening. I’m living it now.

    Instead of focusing on what isn’t working in your life, give some love and attention to the things that are. Take a mental inventory each morning of all the things to be grateful for.

    You will soon notice the negative way of thinking will begin to shift and you’ll be able to experience the happiness that is waiting for you.

    Photo by Zaiq Ali

  • Love What’s Right Before You Instead of Hating What’s Missing

    Love What’s Right Before You Instead of Hating What’s Missing

    Friends Jumping

    “I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.” ~Walt Whitman

    I take stuff for granted. I suspect you take stuff for granted.

    It’s almost as if it can’t be helped. When things—family, friends, health, amenities, or money—occupy a place in our lives for years, we naturally begin to view them as commonplace; we assume they’ll forever be, just as they’ve always been.

    Yet this mindset—this “Oh, of course that’s there; that’s always been there” perspective—often seems to prevent us from realizing how much it would mean to us if that something wasn’t there anymore.

    Hello, Asia

    In August of 2013, I moved to Busan, South Korea to teach English for a year to a bunch of elementary school kids (lovable rascals, these kids). Three months later, I can tell you that this experience has been everything I imagined and about 10,000 things I didn’t.

    For a while it was similar to what I’d envisioned—like freefalling through some sort of mythical dreamscape. Everything new and interesting, bright and foreign, so much happening, so much to learn, so much to take in. It was experiential overload, at once intimidating and blissful.

    After a few weeks, though, the feelings of novelty and adventure began to wane slightly; a discord had been created.

    My romanticized visions of my new home were coming into conflict with a feeling I’m sure most of you know very well—the slog of routine, the all-too-familiar, the grind. 

    What happens is this: you begin to get used to the new country; it loses a certain sparkle. You start to notice its flaws, its funny odors, its unsexy idiosyncrasies. You realize that a full-time job in a foreign land is still a full-time job, except 95% of the people around you don’t speak your language.

    You realize, “Wow, I’m going to be gone for a while—a whole year! And I’m going to see exactly zero people I know. Nada. None. For 12 months. Oh.” In terms of culture shock, you’re experiencing the end of what’s known as “The Honeymoon Phase.”

    I had read about these things. I thought I understood that they were going to happen. I thought I knew how long a year was. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into.

    I didn’t. Not really, at least. Turns out it was near-impossible to know what an enormous decision it was to move to a foreign country until I was two months in and questioning what in God’s name I was doing here.

    Lonely? Me?

    As someone who usually enjoys solitude, I’ve been surprised at how lonely I’ve felt at times. You discover a special kind of alienation when you’re in a city of five million people and can’t communicate with anyone. It’s easy to dissociate yourself from your surroundings.

    You start talking to yourself. You feel like you don’t exist. You end up shouting to the music in your headphones (“People will know that I’m here!!”) while walking down the sidewalk as you’re drenched head-to-toe and getting wetter by the second because, as you just found out, there are typhoons here. (Okay, maybe that was just me).

    It’s during those periods that you realize you’d trade your big toe for a few days at home with the people you’ve known for years. To do nothing but laugh a few hours away with those irreplaceable personalities whom you know about as well as your own reflection.

    “Man, that’d be heaven,” you think.

    Sure, you can “connect” with loved ones via Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Gmail, and a trillion other online mediums. You can even indulge in a pretty convincing illusion of face-to-face conversation with Skype or a Google Hangout.

    But as you do, it becomes clear that these substitutes can never duplicate a sizable bear-hug, or an eye-contact-followed-by-uproarious-laughter moment, or the glorious interplay of energies when you’re actually in the same room with people.

    While living in Korea, I’ve realized what an invaluable gift I sacrificed to come abroad—namely, being a car ride away from most all of my favorite people in the world.

    Before coming here, I’d known that I loved my family and friends endlessly—that they meant everything to me—but I don’t think I quite realized the extent to which being near them and being able to see them were vital to my well-being (and sanity).

    I feel I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for those precious people who’ve been there for years and will continue to be.

    When I do return home, I’ll love them just the same as before, but I’ll truly cherish the time I get to spend with them. I’ll try to remember what it was like without them.

    Gratitude is Slippery

    Simply imagine for a few moments what it would be like if all of the people you loved were just gone, so far away that you couldn’t see them. It’s likely difficult to put yourself in my situation, but my hope is that you can sense it—how you would miss the familiar comfort of just being with them, of just sharing a space or a smile.

    One wouldn’t think that the good things in our lives need to disappear in order for us to understand their worth, yet so often this is the case.

    It seems a bit of a paradox, that what is nearest our hearts can be hardest to see. I humbly submit to you that we ought to be attentive to what lies just below our oblivious noses, lest we recognize the value of things only after they’ve left us.

    I’d be a fool (more so than I already am) if I didn’t understand that this don’t-take-things-for-granted spiel applies to me right this moment.

    In a few years, I’ll look back on my time in Korea and know what an incredible opportunity I was given and how much was here to love.

    If I overlook the wonders that surround me in this place and constantly pine for my home, I’ll set myself up to feel only a sort of wistful gratitude later on, when all that remains of my time abroad are patchwork memories.

    So while I now grasp more fully what I left behind to come to this country, I’m focusing on remembering that I came here for what I couldn’t find at home—a different environment, new friends, fresh perspectives. And those things are all around, plain to be seen, so long as I’m not looking through them, at what isn’t here.

    I’m reminded of a sentence Vonnegut once wrote: “A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” I like the whoever especially, but I’d also add whatever, wherever, whichever. 

    In the end, it seems, loving what’s right before us does far more good than hating what’s missing.

    I’m not always keen at seeing what’s near to be loved (so it goes), but here’s to looking a bit closer. Here’s to noticing the important things, before they’re no longer there to be noticed.

    Photo by Antoine Gady

  • How to Fill the Emptiness in Your Life

    How to Fill the Emptiness in Your Life

    Helping

    “Find your Calcutta.” ~Mother Teresa

    Something is missing in your life, isn’t it?

    You’re working hard, trying to get ahead, doing everything you possibly can to make life just a little bit better. You’re trying to keep it all balanced, though. You won’t be one of those people who commits every waking second to work and the pursuit of a career.

    Not you. You’ve got it figured out. You even make time to exercise, eat right, meditate, or maybe spend time with friends and family.

    You’ve got it all figured out—except for that one stupid thing that keeps tugging at your heart. You don’t really know what it is, but it is there, and it is driving you a little crazy.

    Yeah, I know. I get that feeling sometimes too.

    It is often mistaken as unhappiness, fatigue, depression, or being stuck in a rut. Many people will go off and do wild vacations or try things they would never try in a million years just to see if those activities settle the strange, inexplicable emptiness they feel inside.

    When they return to the real world, though, the problem is still there, still nagging at them.

    Maybe they think they didn’t go “extreme” enough and will push themselves harder. Or maybe they take it in a totally different direction and put more time into meditation, or even trying to manifest happiness in their lives.

    Sound familiar?

    Or do you have it under control? I’m guessing since you’re still reading, you don’t. It’s okay. Neither do I.

    In fact, neither do most people.

    So, what is this mysterious thing that is pulling at you, leaving you feeling empty and unfulfilled in a life that would, from the outside, seem all but amazing? It’s the pursuit of happiness.

    Before you click away from the page, thinking that this is another article about how when you stop pursuing things, that is when they come to you, don’t.

    It’s not about that at all.

    We are constantly presented with things that we believe will make us happy. New cars, flashier televisions, prettier women or men, houses, furniture, more money, exotic vacations, and a myriad of things that go along with that stuff.

    We are pounded by books, blogs, and billboards about how we can get everything we want in life and live happier, better, and wealthier.

    The simple truth is, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget about everyone else in the world around us. And therein lies the key to that empty feeling inside.

    Right now, there are people who are hungry. And not just in Africa or India. They might be within a square mile of you. There are kids who don’t have a decent place to sleep.

    Let me tell you a quick story.

    Recently, a friend of mine (a former high school teacher) passed away. He had been fighting leukemia and eventually cancer for a long time. He was 74 years old.

    When I met him, I thought he was one of the most energetic people I’d ever come across. Of course, I was only 16 at the time. His Italian ancestry only added to the natural charisma he displayed on a daily basis.

    This teacher started a program at my high school called Project 5000. It was an initiative aimed at collecting five thousand canned goods to distribute to needy families in our area. I can still remember seeing the boxes of food under the auditorium stage. 

    Not only did our little school of 300 kids collect five thousand cans, we collected far more. And every single year, the number grew, surpassing multiple tens of thousands every year.

    Because of his efforts, many needy families got to have a few good meals around Thanksgiving, even if it was just a few.

    My friend also helped out at a place called the Chambliss Home, a transitional facility for kids similar to an orphanage. He organized a Christmas program there every year so that, at least for a night, those kids could actually be kids.

    Why am I telling you about this?

    Because this teacher always had a smile on his face. He always had tons of energy. And because of one very important thing he told me in relation to the problem I discussed earlier. 

    He said that if you live your life providing a service to others, you will have the most fulfilling life possible.

    And there it is. We’ve been so focused on getting what we want in this world that we forget that there are people who have desperate needs. You don’t have to look far to find them either.

    They could be right up the street, in a local school, a homeless shelter, a nursing home, or any number of places.

    At the moment, I work in a school that has a student body that is 100% on free and reduced lunch. Basically, that means it is a school of kids from low-income homes. I work there as a school counselor and as the boys’ soccer coach.

    My commute sucks, nearly an hour each way. The hours suck (since my best energy times are not waking up at 5:30 and working until 5:00 in the afternoon).

    When my friends ask me why I don’t quit or find a job closer to home at a better school, I explain to them that it is my Calcutta. While sometimes the work is not stimulating, and the kids can be a little rough around the edges, it is a place where there is a great need.

    Ever since I started looking at it that way, I have been a lot happier in the rest of my life. I am more fulfilled because I know that I am providing a service to people in need and not just living for myself.

    When I get home, I have more energy, a happier demeanor, and I feel like I have done something good.

    The bottom line is, helping others energizes you and fills you with good feelings.

    Where can you find your Calcutta? It could be as simple as donating a piece of furniture to a needy family. Or you could give a few hours a month at the local soup kitchen. Are you an expert at something that could help solve a problem for people? Find a way to do that on a semi-regular basis. It can literally be almost anything.

    The point is that you serve someone. And by serving others, you will begin to notice that strange, empty feeling begin to dissipate until one day, you find yourself smiling all the time.

    Photo by Shisheido USA

  • How to Activate the Life Purpose That’s Right Under Your Nose

    How to Activate the Life Purpose That’s Right Under Your Nose

    “Our obligation is to give meaning to life, and in doing so to overcome the passive, indifferent life.” ~Elie Wiesel

    After surveying 3,000 people, psychologist Cynthia Kersey discovered that 94% had no clue as to their purpose in life—94%!

    As painful as this statistic is, it’s even more painful in light of how relatively simple it is to discover a worthy and fulfilling life purpose.

    For most of us, a meaningful purpose lurks just beneath the surface of conscious awareness and can be discovered in a few minutes.

    This is the easy part. What happens after you discover your life purpose is the plague of humanity.

    I discovered my life purpose in high school psychology class at age seventeen. A local therapist visited our class and asked us to sit on the floor in a large circle. We cleared out the desks and sat. Then he said the following:

    “You’re trapped in a cave with the rest of this class. Only a few of you will make it out alive before the cave collapses. A few at the front of the line will make it. Those in the rear will be crushed. Now, as we go around the circle, I want each of you to explain to the class why you need to get out alive. Tell us why you should be at the front of the line.”

    One of my classmates raised her hand. “What if we don’t want to be at the front of the line?” she asked.

    “Then say so, if you really feel that way,” the therapist conceded. (Therapists can be such pushovers.)

    I was on the opposite side of the room and listened, one by one, as more than twenty kids declined the opportunity to state what they wanted to live for and merely said, “I’ll just be at the back of the line.”

    On my turn, I took the risk and said, “I wouldn’t want to be responsible for someone else not getting to live, but since you asked why I need to get out alive, I’ll answer your question.

    I want to live and make something of my life. I am being raised by a single mother who has made sacrifices to see that I get an education and stay out of trouble. I don’t want to let my mother down. I feel I owe it to her to make the most of myself. If I can do something really great in life, it will make her sacrifice worthwhile.”

    I caught the nod of respect from the therapist and noticed a few of the girls in the class looking misty-eyed and—right there—I knew my purpose. I knew that if I could help people discover something great within themselves, like I had just discovered, I’d live a meaningful life!

    That was easy compared to what came next.

    I fought it. I failed out of college the first time around. I passed on great opportunities to advance my education and career by telling myself, “You can’t do it. You are not worthy. You’re a fake.”

    I looked for shortcuts. I refused to cooperate with my supervisors because, even though I was plagued with self-doubt, I still thought they were stupid.

    If you looked at my life, you’d wonder just how I was manifesting any purpose that had to do with helping myself and others grow.

    One step forward, two steps back! That was me.

    Later, when I did find opportunities to advance my career by teaching workshops, I made it horrendously difficult. I demanded perfection of myself at every performance, which created unbearable anxiety.

    I often walked to the front of a lecture room just knowing I would have a full-blown panic attack and be carted out on a stretcher and never be invited to speak anywhere again.

    I just couldn’t give myself a break. My purpose in life not only lacked fulfillment, but also became a source of personal torment.

    I know what it is like to fight your purpose in life. I’ve been there. In fact, I now believe that most people who are not living a life of purpose are sabotaging their efforts as I was.

    Many people give up on their purpose because of all the perceived trouble that comes with making it real.

    My parents won’t approve.
    It is too difficult.
    I can’t do it.
    It’s not realistic.
    I won’t fit in with my friends anymore.
    Where I come from people don’t do that.
    I’ll never be able to pay the bills.
    I am sure I will fail in the end and be right back where I started.
    It’s just not worth it.
    It’s too late.
    I am comfortable where I am.

    And so the story goes. We resist a more meaningful life because we get in our own way. This is the saddest story ever told!

    Worse, so many have written off their purpose to such a degree that they don’t know where to begin to find it.

    It is right under your nose.

    If you’ll take a few minutes to do the following experiment, you are very likely to discover something wonderful that might serve as a purpose for your life.

    Take a few minutes alone to simply breathe and think. When you are relaxed, ask yourself some simple insight questions per the following examples.

    When you’ve gotten greater insight as a result of the questions, ask yourself how the insights apply to a potential life purpose. This is the application question mentioned below.

    Insight Questions

    What do I love?
    Why do I love this?

    What talents has the universe given me?
    Why are these talents important?

    What are my dreams?
    Why are these dreams important?

    When and where have I found joy in my life?
    Why did I find joy in that?

    What have I always found meaningful?
    Why is this so meaningful to me?

    Write down the answers to the insight questions that appeal to you. Remember, this is just you. Imagine for a moment that nobody else in the world matters. No one has any say here but you.

    As you are writing, notice how you are feeling. Which particular words cause you to surge with positive energy? These words are a major clue as to your purpose in life. 

    Application Question

    While in that positive state, ask yourself the application question.

    How might the answers to any of the above be part of your life purpose?

    For example, imagine you are writing about a particularly meaningful experience that came to mind as a result of an insight question. Let’s say you remembered when you were meditating and felt a deep connection to the universe.

    You asked yourself, “Why was this so meaningful to me?”

    The answer came, “Because that is what life is all about—connection.”

    Next, you asked the question, “How might connection be part of my life purpose?”

    So many ideas might flow from there:

    Your purpose may be to simply stay connected! Whatever you do in life, you remain open to the possible connections to others and beyond.

    It may be that you feel a desire to help others connect to the universe—a great life purpose.

    Perhaps your purpose is to help children experience greater connection.

    The possibilities are limitless! If you center your life around staying connected and helping others to do so, you will surely experience the fulfillment that comes with a clear life purpose.

    How can you make your purpose real? There are a million ways. The better question is how are you likely to get in your own way? How do you subconsciously protest having a purpose? How might you attempt to devalue your purpose?

    Learn your purpose. Learn the ways in which you sabotage it. Get out of your own way and follow your heart.

    Life can be complicated. Sometimes we convince ourselves that what we want is impossible. This is where education and a compassionate, intelligent outsider’s perspective can be a life purpose saver.

    To the life purpose under your nose….

  • When Life Feels Crazy: 6 Questions for Cracking Up & Breaking Through

    When Life Feels Crazy: 6 Questions for Cracking Up & Breaking Through

    Plant in dried cracked mud

    “Every really new idea looks crazy at first.” ~Abraham H. Maslow

    Once, when I was in a painting workshop, I hit a wall of resistance, totally stumped by what to paint next.

    My painting teacher came over to explore some questions that could help unblock me. But my “wall” was concrete, or industrial metal, or super-duper spy-movie-like with some computer-code contraption locking all security systems down.

    “What if a crazy woman came into the room?” she asked me. “What if the crazy woman painted for you? What would she do?”

    “She would explode everything up!” I answered.

    “What would she do on the painting?”

    “She would rip it up!”

    “If with respect for what you’ve already painted you allowed her to go crazy on the paper without covering what you already painted or ripping it up, what would she paint?”

    I looked at the painting. It was an image of me. “She would crack me into a hundred pieces…”

    “Great!” She said. “Paint that!”

    I took out a small brush and started drawing black cracks, as many cracks as I could, cracking the body into thousands of pieces. I felt high as I painted. Free. Without interpretation or need to understand what I was doing, I energetically painted cracks all through my body. I finished the painting with glee.

    A dear friend, who is a Jungian therapist, told me recently about the “Crazy Woman” archetype. The Mad Woman who likes to step in sometimes to shake our world, wake our reality. I told her I knew this woman. I had met her in my creativity.

    But secretly, I was coming to understand her beyond that. In my own life, things felt uncertain, chaotic, ungrounded. I was feeling somewhat like the crazy woman myself.

    I was living alone, a year after divorce in the house I lived in with my ex-husband in Venice Beach, CA. I never felt unsafe or in danger in my home or neighborhood. In fact, I felt the opposite; my home post-divorce had become my respite when everything else in my life seemed turned upside down.

    One random Saturday morning, I awoke to find a young woman, around 25 years old, coming off of some meth or heroin high in my back studio that I usually kept unlocked because the perimeter of my house was well gated.

    She was going through my cupboard filled with old wedding pictures.

    She wasn’t an archetype, but a real person. I had to double check twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I was in shock, yet typically, when in shock I knew I tended to act unusually calm and reasonable.

    I approached her. “Why are you here?” I asked.

    “I thought I lived here.” She said, seeming vulnerable and confused.

    “I have to call the police,” I said.

    “But I don’t want to go jail!”

    “I’m sorry I have to call…” I said to her.

    She picked up her backpack, and while I told 911 that I had an intruder, she lit a cigarette as she casually walked out the side yard gate and continued down the street away from my home.

    This wasn’t a dream. It really was happening. There was a stranger in my home when I awoke one random morning.

    She left her tennis shoes and socks behind, which I showed the two policemen when they arrived.

    “This happens all the time,” one of the cops said. “Just last weekend we had a squatter make dinner and take a shower in someone’s home around the corner from you. Welcome to Venice!”

    Well, no. Actually I had been living in Venice for ten years. This wasn’t a welcome but a warning sign to make sure my side gates were better protected. Though the young woman seemed fine when she walked away, I still felt shaken.

    After talking to my friends on the phone, telling them about my intruder, I was able to find my ground. 

    I saw the intruder as a reflection of what I had been feeling lately and told myself, “Sometimes it’s okay to see the Mad Woman and to accept her.”

    I knew I was physically safe. She didn’t steal anything either. That night, I put her shoes out on the street corner so she would have them to wear, and in the morning they were gone. Her intrusion woke me up and made me curious to explore deeper. 

    These were the questions upon her departure I contemplated: 

    1. What if I allowed myself to feel as “crazy” as I felt and let myself live the life I always wanted to live?

    How would I live it? (i.e. what would I paint?) Could I let myself crack?

    2. Would I let my controlled, safe little world open up to something new or daring?

    Was I ready to uproot the life I knew and create something totally different?

    3. What if nothing had to make sense?

    If the dots didn’t have to connect? If I didn’t have to know how my decisions would dictate my future? What would I do then?

    4. What if I didn’t have to live according to the rules and expectations I had put on myself and the conditionings put on me that I bought into?

    The ones that were based on how I was raised, my family’s expectations, or the beliefs I was taught to believe about myself?

    5. What if my life was about being fully me, filled up with me, and no one else?

    Not by a relationship or for my parents or my roles in society regardless if they thought my choices were “crazy”—what would I do differently?

    6. What would happen if I accepted feeling out of balance, in unknown territory, and stopped trying to be something other than me presently?

    What life choices might I make then?

    After asking these questions of myself, something told me it was time to take off into a new adventure.

    I thought about things I’d been afraid to do before or resisted: I feared skiing because of my weak ankles, but what if I tried again?

    New York was a place I had thought about living in—what if I went to explore a new city? Or what if I started a new career path? What would I want to create in my life then?

    As I asked these questions, I started to become interested, uncovering layers into exciting new territory.

    So I ask you, what if metaphorically you met your Inner-Mad Man or Woman? What message would he/she have for you? 

    Creating a life change isn’t actually “crazy.” It’s the most fulfilling and exhilarating thing we can do.

    What if you were to take a risk, jump into the unknown, shake up your world, leave your cautious mind and all that it says about you or about how you live your life and ask yourself, “If I were totally free, what would I do?”

    Even if you don’t plan to actually do it, I’d love to hear. Be crazy and just for the fun of it. You never know what can happen.

    Photo by Olearys