Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

    Because I am self-employed, I often find that my work is my life. There is no off switch when the day is over. Some days I get so caught up in the busyness that I completely forget myself.

    While my work is immensely meaningful and enjoyable, I believe it’s important to have other activities outside of work that bring us joy so we can live even fuller lives.

    When I get too caught up in my work of helping others, I forget the other things that are important to me. This makes me feel that I lack the balance of a multifaceted life.

    One day I realized that I was so caught up in helping other people that I completely forgot to help myself. As an introvert, it’s important to recharge my batteries by pursuing activities that recharge the soul.

    So I sat down with a pen and paper and did what most busy people do: I wrote a list.

    This was a list with a difference.

    I wrote down every single activity I enjoy. I wrote down every single activity I hadn’t tried but wanted to. And I wrote down every single place I wanted to visit.

    This was the beginning of actively creating joy in life. You can make of life what you will. Personally, I choose happiness.

    In positive psychology, a method for finding happiness and joy is being in a state of flow. You already know this feeling. It’s when you are completely tied up in what you are doing and you lose track of time because you are so engaged and stimulated in your activity.

    Often, activities that put us in a state of flow are creative—things like painting, playing music, cooking, sewing, reading, writing, and doing arts and crafts.

    Other activities that often put us in this flow state are physical. This could be gardening, hiking, bike riding, yoga, golf, and any other physical activities we enjoy.

    For ultimate happiness and health, I believe it’s important to pursue both creative and physical activities. Stimulating your mind and body leads to greater intelligence and a heightened state of awareness.

    Some might say to get into a state of flow you need to get a hobby. I think perhaps this is true. When was the last time you heard someone say they have a hobby?

    Hobbies seem to be something of the past. Today we are so busy. We get so caught up in work, family, relationships, pleasing other people, and technology that we forget to do the things we enjoy for ourselves.

    This is where my list came into play. It ended up being a multi-page list of every hobby I ever had, every activity I enjoy, and every activity I wanted to try. I then made it a priority to do at least one “happiness activity” every week.

    Taking time out of our regular day-to-day work and finding new ways to enjoy life is essential to our happiness and well-being.

    If your life is very busy, do not be fooled into thinking you have no time for hobbies. Everyone has fifteen minutes available, even if it cuts into your sleep or email time.

    Although fifteen minutes may not feel like enough time to get into a state of flow, it is enough time to feel joy and happiness. With a bit of practice, you might find you get into such a state of flow that fifteen minutes turns into an hour. Over time, you may find that these pursuits of happiness overtake the importance of busyness.

    If you think you have no hobbies now, the best way to find out what you enjoy is to remind yourself what you enjoyed as a child. Did you previously enjoy baking? Or drawing, or playing music, or playing football?

    Write yourself a list of every activity you ever enjoyed and every activity you’d like to try but haven’t yet. Pick one thing that you previously enjoyed immensely, and set yourself an appointment to give it a go again. When you are ready, set an appointment for one new activity you have never tried before.

    Your life could be transformed by this one simple act: making it a priority to do the things you enjoy.

    Ideally, you want to set time for this daily. I completely understand that this is difficult to do. At a bare minimum, you want to schedule it in weekly.

    Personally, I like to set aside one day every week to go for a hike. But sometimes if I don’t have time for that, I like to pick up my flute and improvise. If I only have a spare fifteen minutes to do this, I find the time just flies by, and it only feels like five minutes.

    Doing something like this is so good for my soul. I find that if I don’t schedule flow time, then I feel tired and overwhelmed with life. It is so important to me that I actually write it down in my diary and stick to it like any other important appointment.

    We can all experience more joy in our lives. We just need to consciously choose to create it.

  • Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Time concept

    “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

    A few years ago I was on the busy track. I was working a corporate nine-to-five job, studying at night, and trying to keep up a busy social life. I thought I was achieving it all by doing so many things at once, but really, I was just burning myself out.

    My life was a busy blur. I’d start my weeks feeling tired and end them completely exhausted. Time was a constant challenge. I was always rushing from one thing to the next, and in the little down time I gave myself off, I’d be so completely exhausted that all I could do was slump into the lounge chair and fall asleep in front of the television.

    Between working a high-pressure full-time job, studying my nights away, and maintaining a busy social life on the weekend, there was little time for me to just be. In the midst of the daily rush, there was no reflection or alone time. There was just busyness.

    Feeling this way, it didn’t take me long to realize that it was not what I wanted for myself. I was rarely happy or at ease, and I was feeling the strain big time. I pushed myself for answers and I realized that my pursuit of “doing it all” was in vain. I simply wasn’t happy.

    I wasn’t enjoying my job, and although it paid well and had some great career prospects, it drained every ounce of enthusiasm I had and left me dry.

    It would leave me feeling so dry that I’d throw myself into action during every ounce of time I had spare, to the point of exhaustion, as if to try and salvage those wasted forty-plus hours a week I’d spent at work.

    I was studying a design course three nights a week to make up for my lack of passion for my job and I was out all weekend drowning my sorrows, rewarding myself for just getting through another lackluster week.

    It was madness and something I couldn’t keep doing. Every day drained me and ate away at me just a little more, but still, time went on. The days became weeks and the weeks flowed into months.

    I wanted to jump off the busy train, but making a change was hard. Though I knew that my job wasn’t where my passions lied, I couldn’t just throw it all in and quit. I had bills to pay and my love of design was just that at the time—a love, not a moneymaker.

    I struggled for months with this decision, thinking of every possible way I could make things work. But none of them compelled me to action. The truth was, I was scared.

    Right when I was almost at breaking point, salvation came for me in the form of a company restructure. Cuts were being made and I was called up for retrenchment.

    My retrenchment was a blessing in disguise. While I was worried about how I would make it work, I knew it was the push I needed to live a simpler life, more in tune with my passions.

    With this in mind I was convinced I could make it happen. I decided, then and there, that I would pursue my studies full time to do what I loved and work whichever other jobs I needed to work to make it happen. I started looking for part-time office jobs, and to my surprise, there were some great ones.

    Within a month I’d found the perfect part-time job that would let me launch into my studies with full force while still making ends meet. I’d have to make some tough cuts to my spending to make it work, but I knew I could.

    The tradeoffs were tough at first, and living my newfound modest lifestyle wasn’t always easy, but it was more than worth it. What I soon realized was that for all the material things I’d lost, I’d gained the most valuable thing of all: the freedom of my own time.

    I now had time to breathe, think, and live.

    Today I’m living a simpler life, one of freedom and choices. I’m still actively doing things every day, but I’m doing things I truly love.

    With my design diploma in hand, I’m working as a fashion designer and writing about my creative journey on my very own website. I’m living with joy and I no longer feel busy and stressed. Instead, I am energized and passionate.

    We can get so caught up in the pursuit of busyness that we forget what we are losing. In busyness we lose our freedom, our options, and a little piece of ourselves.

    Time is freedom. It enables you pursue your dreams and go after what you love. How you spend it determines whether you experience happiness or not. And at the end of the day, it’s all you really have. 

    Jump Off the Busy Train and Reclaim Your Joy

    If you want to jump off the busy train to make a change to a simpler, more passion-filled life, here are three things you can do:

    1. Take the change step by step.

    Instead of launching right in and quitting your job without a solid plan, make sure you have everything in place to make it work.

    Look into your options for part-time work or more flexible working arrangements, like working different hours or from home. Weigh up your viable options to free yourself from busyness and determine how you can make it work financially.

    2. Accept a better outcome, even if it’s not the perfect one.

    We would all love to jump in and pursue our passions full time but often it’s not practical, at least not from the outset. Instead of striving for perfect, find a better outcome in the short term.

    It doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing approach. Right now, it might mean pursuing a passion on the side. In a years time, it might mean transitioning to a part-time working arrangement. Sometimes, good things take time.

    3. Scale back in other areas of your life.

    There is always give and take in life, and if you want to move toward a simpler, more passion filled life, there are going to be tradeoffs.

    Scaling back might involve selling your car, moving into a smaller house, and cutting back on meals out. These might all sound like big changes, but the reward you will receive every day from living in tune with what you love will far outweigh the sacrifice.

    If you’re feeling the weight of busyness in your life, challenge yourself to slow down. Don’t sell your life to the highest bidder, trading your time for dollars at the expense of your own happiness and joy. Reclaim your freedom and find a way to do what you love. Your happiness depends on it.

  • A Place to Release Your Secrets and Shame: Share Your Truth in the Forums

    A Place to Release Your Secrets and Shame: Share Your Truth in the Forums

    Green Buddha

    Ten months ago when I launched the Tiny Buddha community forums, I hoped they would better enable us all to connect with and support each other.

    Since then, I’ve been amazed and inspired to see the love and compassion people extend there, without any agenda beyond helping others feel less alone and more at ease in our uncertain, often confusing world.

    There are now over 10,000 active forum members, and there have been more than 1,600 conversations on a wide range of topics related to spirituality, self-esteem, relationships, purpose, parenting, health and fitness, and more.

    Whether you’re an active member or just discovering the forums for the first time, I’d like to draw your attention to a new forum category that I hope will be helpful and inspiring.

    I launched it last week after receiving a number of blog submissions with a similar message: We can set ourselves free by sharing the stories we may otherwise be tempted to hide.

    One of these posts came from a woman who’d given birth secretly in a convent at age sixteen and then given her child up for adoption.

    Another came from a brave woman named Sonia Friedrich, who graciously agreed to be the first poster in this new category, with her story about coming out after years of hiding her sexuality.

    All the stories had one thing in common: a secret that, when kept, hardened into shame, and when released, softened into peace.

    The new section is called “Share Your Truth,” and I launched it with this introductory post:

    We all do it to some degree—look at our experiences with a critical eye and decide which ones feel unsafe to share.

    We don’t want to be judged, or ridiculed, or misunderstood; we all hope to be loved, supported, and accepted.

    But ironically, in hiding pieces of ourselves or our past, we limit our ability to receive unconditional love and acceptance. How can anyone offer us those things if they don’t know who we really are?

    And even if they do know who we are, how can we accept their love if we don’t fully believe we deserve it?

    That’s what we’re telling ourselves when we choose to hide—that we’re not beautiful, loveable, and worthy, just as we are, and we better hold tight to all the evidence, lest others see it and confirm our fears.

    So I say we challenge that scared voice inside that tells us there’s something wrong with us. I say we fight the instinct to cower in shame instead of showing up fully and letting ourselves be seen. I say we own it all—the light, the dark, the highs, the lows—and instead of fearing that others will not accept us, we show them what it looks like to do it.

    My name is Lori. I spent more than a decade struggling with low self-esteem, depression, and bulimia. I then spent several more years drinking, smoking, and hiding from the world because I was afraid you wouldn’t like me.

    Though I’ve come a long way, due, in large part, to years of therapy and a commitment to personal development, I still struggle with people-pleasing instincts at times, and I still go through phases when I feel insecure. I don’t know if that will ever go away fully, but I am okay with that.

    I am proud that I keep going and growing. I am proud that I keep showing up, despite my struggles and imperfections. And I am proud to share my truth.

    Is there a truth you’ve been hiding? Are you ready to set yourself free by sharing it?

    Start a new thread by scrolling to the bottom of this page: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/forum/share-your-truth/

    Feel free to write as little or as much as you’d like—a word, a sentence, a paragraph, or more. This isn’t about getting advice, though you’re free to ask for it, if you’d like. It’s about sharing yourself authentically, knowing there’s beauty in who you’ve been, who you are, and who you will be.

    It’s also about letting those who read this know they’re not alone in whatever they’re going through. Whatever it is you’ve been hiding, you can rest assured there are countless others out there, just waiting for someone else to say they can relate.

    Just to let you know, before you even share, I admire you for doing this. And knowing this community like I do, I think I can speak for the other members when I say: we value and accept you, just as you are.

    —

    If you’re not yet a forum member, you can create a free account here. You can then share your truth—whatever it may be—here.

    Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community. You make a difference, and you’re appreciated!

  • Freedom and Happiness

    Freedom and Happiness

    Freedom and Happiness

    Source: Bubble Inc.

  • How to Avoid Drama: Stop Taking Things Personally and Needing to Be Right

    How to Avoid Drama: Stop Taking Things Personally and Needing to Be Right

    “Concern yourself not with what is right and what is wrong but with what is important.” ~Unknown

    I remember quite distinctly the point where my rational self, less invested in the discussion, took a step back and pointed out that I was descending down the path of needing to prove that I was right.

    It was precisely when I started seeing the other commenter as needling my position and attacking the ideas as mine.

    What started out as an appeal to respect cultures that celebrate death as a normal part of life, turned into a mud-slinging event the moment I ceased to educate and instead went down the road of righteous anger.

    Even if we were to keep our social network to the closest friends and family members, there will inevitably come the time when, as we scroll through our Facebook feed, we encounter something that we disagree with.

    If we are not careful about the way we react or respond to these kinds of things, drama will arise.

    And oh, such drama it was! Despite not participating any further once some ganging up occurred and outright insults were being flung, I came away from the debacle more furious with myself than anyone else.

    In hindsight, it really was hilarious the way it quickly descended into a playground squabble where the crux of the matter was “I’m right, you’re wrong!”

    But unlike childhood fights where it is rare that full-blown grudges develop (notice how children make up and play together easily?), the issues that adults tend to have petty fights over are a bit more complicated, simply because we are way more invested in it.

    It isn’t over a fire truck belonging to us that can be easily shared with another child. It is occasionally belief systems and ideologies that we think define us, and so we do not take too easily to them being challenged.

    I later received a long message from the other person that was essentially an attempt at civility after the earlier descent into childishness. But while the absence of trolling was a nice welcome, here too was another invitation to engage further in another bout of drama.

    Ignoring the comments about my character and only clarifying issues I felt were relevant to the earlier discussion, I refused to bite.

    What I’m slowly learning, and I am quite a slow learner when it comes to social interactions, is that personal affronts are key to the development of drama, and how we choose to respond to what the other person doles out will determine our state of being.

    This isn’t something solely confined to social media interactions, either; Facebook, Twitter, and other sites like them are all just platforms where our interactions take place. Unnecessary drama and squabbles did not appear after the Internet but are simply magnified by it.

    If you decide earlier on that personal attacks will not hurt you and that you will not yourself fling insults, you’ll be much more likely to have a discussion that’s conducive for education and sharing of ideas.

    These attacks often come out innocuously enough. An adept practitioner of shade can fling one at you with much subtlety, so control is necessary in ensuring that you are always on the right road.

    Unfortunately, I have yet to be gracious enough to not throw shade myself, and thus the initial eruption of drama stemmed from my lack of control. We cannot control will perceive or retaliate with, but we can choose how we respond to them.

    The moment we choose to take the issues personally, we cease to participate in civil discourse as we insist upon the particular details that we feel attack our characters.

    We feel the need to yell that we are right rather than strive to seek and communicate truth.

    With that said, I am certainly not excusing those who choose to create conflict rather than communicate peacefully. Once you see things heading down that awful road, it’s best to simply disengage and leave because nothing fruitful will come out of it.

    What matters at this point, I feel, is how you resolve your position, and it isn’t about how you appear to other people who may be watching (or reading the thread), but how you now feel about your beliefs and ideas.

    Are ad hominem attacks ever conducive to the truth? The moment we associate ego and pride with our various ideologies, we miss the mark. 

    In a world of multivariate opinions, beliefs, and philosophies, friction is bound to occur when these ideas inevitably collide.

    There are certain fields more volatile than others, like politics and religion, and they require careful treading. When in the thick of drama, especially with drama-hungry spectators egging us on, we lose the point and indulge, instead, in a battle of wits over who can yell the loudest in being right.

    To keep drama at bay, it is necessary to maintain that, while ideas form much of what we think we are, they are merely constructs that only help us make sense of life and do not essentially form who we are.

    If someone attacks what we believe, they’re not attacking us. They’re disagreeing with our opinion because they hold a different point of view. And if they choose to attack us personally, it’s likely not about us, but rather reflective of their fear-based attachment to their beliefs.

    It is perhaps worth bearing this in mind whenever we feel the urge to take something personally.

  • How to Respond to Negative People Without Being Negative

    How to Respond to Negative People Without Being Negative

    “Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

    A former coworker seemed to talk non-stop and loudly, interrupt incessantly, gossip about whomever wasn’t in the room, constantly complain, and live quite happily in martyrdom.

    It seemed nothing and no one escaped her negative spin. She was good at it. She could twist the happiest moment of someone’s life into a horrendous mistake. She seemed to enjoy it, too.

    At first, my judgmental mind thought her behavior was quite inappropriate. I simply didn’t approve of it. But after weeks of working with her, the thought of spending even one more moment in her presence sent me into, well, her world.

    Her negativity was infectious. More and more, I found myself thinking about her negativity, talking with others about her negativity, and complaining about her constant negativity.

    For a while, though, I listened to her whenever she followed me into the lunchroom or the ladies’ room. I didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. I was held captive.

    I’d excuse myself from the one-sided chit-chat as soon as possible, wanting to someday be honest enough to kindly tell her that I choose not to listen to gossip. Instead, I chose avoidance. I avoided eye contact, and any and all contact. Whenever I saw her coming, I’d get going and make for a quick getaway. I worked hard at it, too.

    And it was exhausting because whether I listened to her or not, or even managed to momentarily escape her altogether, I was still held captive by her negativity.

    I interacted with her only a handful of times a month, but her negative presence lingered in my life. And I didn’t like it. But what I didn’t like didn’t really matter—I wanted to look inside myself to come up with a way to escape, not just avoid, a way to just let go of the hold this negativity had on me.

    When I did look within, I saw that I was the one exaggerating the negative.

    I chose to keep negativity within me even when she wasn’t around. This negativity was mine. So, as with most unpleasant things in life, I decided to own up and step up, to take responsibility for my own negativity.

    Instead of blaming, avoiding, and resisting the truth, I would accept it. And, somehow, I would ease up on exaggerating the negative.

    I welcomed the situation as it was, opening up to the possibilities for change within me and around her.

    I knew all about the current emotional fitness trends telling us to surround ourselves with only happy, positive people and to avoid negative people—the us versus them strategy for better emotional health. I saw this as disconnecting, though.

    We all have times when we accentuate the positive and moments when we exaggerate the negative. We are all connected in this.

    Instead of continuing to disconnect, to avoid being with negativity while denying my own, I wanted to reconnect, with compassion and kindness toward both of us.

    She and I shared in this negativity together. And once I made the connection and saw our connection, a few simple and maybe a little more mindful thoughts began to enter my mind and my heart. This reconnection would be made possible through love.

    And these simple little, love-induced thoughts spoke up something like this:

    • Patience can sit with negativity without becoming negative, rushing off to escape, or desiring to disconnect from those who choose negativity. Patience calms me.
    • While I’m calm, I can change the way I see the situation. I can see the truth. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like, I can see positive solutions. I can deal with it.
    • I can try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why might this woman choose or maybe need to speak with such negativity? I can be compassionate.
    • Why does what this woman chooses or needs to say cause me to feel irritated, angry, or resentful? I have allowed her words to push my negativity buttons. I can’t blame her.
    • She doesn’t even know my buttons exist. She’s only concerned with her own needs. I’ve never even told her how much her negativity bothers me. I see what truly is.
    • I see that we are both unhappy with our shared negativity. People who complain and gossip and sacrifice themselves for others aren’t happy. I can help to free us both.
    • I will only help. I will do no harm. I have compassion for us both. I will show kindness toward both of us. I will cultivate love for us, too. I choose to reconnect.
    • I will start with me and then share love with others. May I be well and happy. May our family be well and happy. May she be well and happy. I choose love.

    And whenever I saw her, I greeted her with a kind smile. I sometimes listened to her stories, excusing myself whenever her words became unkind, much the same as I had done before. But I noticed the negativity no longer lingered within me. It disappeared as soon as I began choosing love again. I was freed. And I was happier. Compassion, kindness, and love had made me so.

    My desire was not to speak my mind in an attempt to change hers, to change her apparent need to choose negative words. I did hope she might free herself from negativity and liberate herself by choosing positivity instead. Our reconnection was complete, quite unlimited, too, and it gave me hope that happiness could be ours, shared through our connection.

    I continue to cultivate this loving connection, being compassionate and kind whenever people, myself included, choose to speak negative words, for we all do from time to time. We are positively connected in this negativity thing, and everything else. And compassion, kindness, and love happily connect us all.

  • How to Overcome Envy So It Doesn’t Poison Your Relationships

    How to Overcome Envy So It Doesn’t Poison Your Relationships

    “Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” ~Marquis de Condorc

    I struggled to offer a tight smile to a friend who had achieved a life-changing career break.

    Although I was thrilled and excited for my friend, I was sad and disappointed in myself. I, too, had worked hard and waited patiently, but unlike my friend, my work and my wait continued, unacknowledged and unrewarded.

    At first I didn’t notice I had been bitten by envy. But its invisible poison infected my bloodstream, polluting my future interactions with my friend. I was guarded, afraid of being hurt yet again by yet another one of my friend’s successes.

    Each conversation rubbed between us, creating a visible strain in our relationship. Over time, I started to avoid her. She couldn’t understand why I was pulling away. Envy was killing our friendship.

    For years, I sat on the other side of envy. I was the one who friends showered with praise while hiding the sorrow in their hearts.

    One particular girlfriend who was equally talented and creative felt stuck in a dead-end teaching career that seemed to restart each two years at a different school, preventing her from the security of tenure.  She devoted all her free time to her students, sacrificing her dreams of writing and art. Finally, after yet another lay off, she crumbled into depression.

    She glanced over at me and felt the sting of envy. Here I was, married with children, both with publication credits and art exhibits, and a teaching gig to boot. Why couldn’t she have a little bit of what I had?

    At the time, I didn’t know how to comfort or encourage her. Envy festered until it overpowered the love we once shared. The friendship dissolved in bitterness and misunderstanding. 

    Now, years later, as more and more of my friends enjoy greater and greater success, I understand what my estranged friend must have endured all those years. If I didn’t do something, envy would kill off my friendships just like it had done years ago.

    But how do you treat poison envy?

    It’s taken a lot longer to learn how to turn away from envy, but here are the steps I used to free myself from its bondage and transform my life.

    1. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    The first step to overcoming envy is to stop focusing on what others have and face the truth about yourself.

    As long as I was staring at my friends’ successes, I could not see that the dissatisfaction I felt had nothing to do with their victories and everything to do with my own perceived losses.

    Once I turned the mirror away from others, I discovered I was not where I wanted to be in life. The envy I felt toward the success of others only masked the disappointment I felt in myself.

    2. Stop judging.

    Judgment, even self-imposed judgment, divides and conquers the soul into tiny squares designed to punish. I was stuck, unable to leapfrog to the next level of success, which was bad. My friends, on the other hand, were standing at the top of the mountain, which was good.

    I didn’t understand that good and bad are relative terms. Without them, things just are.

    Once I stopped judging myself, I was able to accept where I was. It may not have been where I wanted to be, but I was no longer angry about it.

    3. Start seeing things clearly.

    With no one to blame, I was forced to accept responsibility for where I was and how I got there.

    Without the veil of envy, without the mirrors of comparison, without the torture of judgment, I saw the truth clearly: I was not where I wanted to be because I was not who I needed to become.

    I had the education, the work experience, and the job skills needed to get promoted, but my attitude of entitlement kept me sidelined. It was only in realizing I was no one special that my humility allowed for my true light to shine. Others took notice of the internal change, and I was promptly promoted to the job I had been craving.

    Once I stopped comparing myself to others and acknowledged the truth about myself, the damaging effects of envy melted away. I was no longer pitted against my friends.

    Now I enjoy the blessings others have been given without the shadow of self-pity. And I am able to champion their success even if our blessings our different.

    I start each day anew, focused on my journey, no longer derailed by the journeys of others. I keep my friendships intact, even flourishing, without the bitterness of jealousy or the darkness of sorrow or the strangling voice of defeat.

    You, too, can treat the poison envy in your life. Start by turning the mirror away from others and toward yourself. Stop judging your life by impossible standards. See yourself clearly for the first time: a wonderfully flawed human being with passionate goals.

  • 3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship

    3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship

    Kissing Couple

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    Recently, I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of extending love. I consciously set the goal of peace.

    It’s with the intention to experience more peace than ever before that the relationship began, and it’s with that same intention that we decided to end the relationship. In between it all, I felt deeply connected, heard, and loved.

    What did I do differently this time that allowed me to experience a new level of peace and love? What about this relationship created the space for us to peacefully “break up”?

    Unlike other relationships I had that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this relationship accomplished the complete opposite—helped to release me from it.

    Whatever I did differently with this one, I wanted to bottle it up! As I took some time to reflect, I realized that what I did differently comes in the form of three simple miracle-minded questions that I asked myself before I even entered the relationship.

    The three questions below helped me step away from fearful relationships based on getting and filling my perceived voids and instead, helped me step into a loved-based relationship built on extending the love and completeness I found within myself first.

    And what a difference this shift made in my experience!

    The next time you find yourself getting ready to join with someone in a relationship (or even a friendship) ask yourself these questions first:

    1. What is this relationship for?

    In the past, I would just jump into relationships without any real intention set at the beginning. I wanted the attention and for someone to prove I was lovable. I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend. I was motivated by ego fears and desires to fill my perceived voids.

    The way we move beyond these ego fears is by stopping and asking ourselves, “What is this relationship for?”

    Without a clear goal set at the beginning, it’s easy to get lost and stuck in a fearful place. So with my last relationship, we decided that our goal would be peace, and that we wanted to help each other remember the truth about ourselves instead of getting lost in the illusions about ourselves. What is this relationship for? To extend peace.

    And this makes all the difference. When you do find yourself in a disagreement, you can remember that your goal is peace and then act accordingly.

    The value of setting a goal in advance is that it will pull you through the tough times. Without the goal, it’s easy to get caught up in the ego’s drive to be right or justified. Having a common goal in mind allows you to move forward together instead of working against each other. In my last relationship I found that a shared goal connected us and gave us something to focus on.

    2. What limiting beliefs are blocking me from authentically connecting?

    A lot of times when we don’t experience something we say we want, it’s because we have some underlying fear associated with getting it.

    For example, if you say you want to experience a deeply loving relationship and it hasn’t shown up yet, it might be because deep down you’re scared of it. I know for me, I said I wanted to have a loving relationship, but when I got honest with myself, I realized I was actually scared of falling in love.

    Somewhere along the line I decided that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable. When I went even deeper, I noticed that I had the belief that I wasn’t good enough yet to be loved. I didn’t think I was skinny enough, successful enough, or funny enough, and deep down I was scared that other people might find that out, too.

    So what do you do when you realize you’re scared of what you want? What do you do with the belief that you’re not good enough? You simply become willing to move beyond the fears. Often times the awareness of our fearful patterns is enough for them to be released.

    Sometimes I will even say to myself “I hear you fear, but I’m not going to let you determine my actions right now.” Instant personal power.

    This opens the way for you to step beyond the limiting beliefs you carry about yourself. The truth is, you’re good enough right now in this very moment. There is nothing to prove. Become curious about your beliefs and behaviors. Invite them in, question them, and watch as they melt away.

    3. Am I focusing on the content or the frame?

    Fear-based relationships often start with a strong attraction to a body. I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely been sucked into relationships because the frame was lookin’ good. I paid no attention to the content, aka the mind.

    But at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that you’re always getting in a relationship with a mind. If the content is not engaging and exciting, circle back to the first question: What is this for?

    When we put all our focus on the content and not the frame, we simultaneously release our expectations and allow ourselves to experience peace and love in ways that we might not have thought possible. The frame will shift and change, but lasting fulfilling connection starts and ends with the content, not the labels and clothes we place around it.

    Ultimately, within others you can either lose yourself or remember yourself, because from a spiritual perspective, everyone is a reflection of you. And with that idea, relationships become a miraculous teaching device.

    You decide if you want fear or love based on the intention you set at the beginning. I’ve both lost myself and remembered myself in relationships, but I prefer the latter.

    The three questions above are how you open the doorway for a love-based relationship to enter your life.

    By setting the goal of peace, becoming willing to move past our beliefs of not being good enough, and focusing on the content, not the frame, we can experience a deep connection and trust, which is perhaps one of the most miraculous things you can share with another human being.

  • Getting Unstuck: Work Through Fear and Change Your Life

    Getting Unstuck: Work Through Fear and Change Your Life

    Im Free

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    We’ve all been there. Feeling stuck is very distressing, and it can often make a situation feel even more difficult than it already appears to be.

    Many of us may have felt trapped in a job, a relationship, a place; any unfavourable situation, really, that we see little way out of can leave us feeling deeply discouraged.

    The uncertainty of it all becomes overwhelming and, over time, paralyzing.

    I have felt the frustration, the sadness, and the hopelessness that accompany this predicament many times.

    In fact, I’ve lived most of my life feeling stuck in one thing or another—a volatile family situation, unhealthy relationships, various jobs. For a long time, I rarely made proactive decisions about anything.

    I had a number of distractions I used to try to avoid thinking about it. I drank heavily, took drugs, took trips, took on other people’s problems, overworked, over-exercised, over-sexed, under-slept, worried constantly, and generally avoided thinking about the specifics of what I needed out of life, a job, or a relationship.

    Opportunities and endings did flow through my life, as they inevitably will, but they were seldom based on what I wanted.

    After a while, negativity and worry used up much of my energy. I was diagnosed with cancer at twenty-six, and started to have other major physical ailments, not to mention regular nightmares. I knew I had to make changes.

    I started with my diet, something that I felt was within my control. I gained a lot of knowledge about food, health, and lifestyle very quickly and just soaked it all up.

    I also learned a lot more about our inner emotional lives and about taking responsibility for my feelings, my actions, and my words.

    I started practicing meditation and continued to deepen my yoga practice with a new awareness of my mental and emotional environment. I’m now able to observe my thoughts and am quick to see how my thought patterns change when I feel stuck.

    Those negative, self-defeating, fearful thoughts come creeping back into my mind, whispering to me that I don’t have any other choice.

    The depressed feelings and anxiousness come quickly too, and I often start to wonder, if I’d done something differently in the past, would I be here now? I tell myself that only if a certain event happens in the future will I be able to make a change.

    Dwelling on the past and obsessing about the future is a surefire way to stay stuck.

    I now know that I need to be careful not to qualify decisions based on imagined future events happening or not happening, and not to make decisions out of fear. Sometimes doing what is best for you means facing those fears head on.

    When I was diagnosed with cancer, I told myself I’d only take time off work if I started to feel really physically ill. I was afraid I’d face financial difficulties if I took a leave. I didn’t give myself nearly enough space to process the emotional effects, and I didn’t give my physical body the time to rest that it was clearly telling me it needed.

    I got very ill with a string of severe infections in the two years following my recovery because I never proactively made a decision to take care of myself.

    When I start bargaining with myself, I know I’ve given away my power. I’m no longer listening to my intuition or connecting with what’s really best for my well-being.

    I’ve realized that the only way to get unstuck is to detach from the outcome of our decisions and the fears about things not working out, and instead focus solely on what exactly we want and need. In this way, the uncertainty can lead to opportunity.

    There are a few things I did make proactive decisions about over the last ten years—like pursuing a degree in Environmental Studies, moving to Australia, and committing to building a more healthy lifestyle—that have turned out better than I could’ve imagined.

    It has become more and more clear that the decisions I make from now on need to be based on my true desires, not my fears.

    I now recognize that I’ve kept myself in unhealthy situations mainly because I didn’t have the tools to help myself.

    When I’m having trouble getting unstuck, I use some of these small actions that can be helpful in creating space to move through and out of the undesirable situation:

    Take time.

    One of the most difficult things about feeling stuck is that you want to fix it right away. This urge to control the situation really doesn’t help solve the problem.

    If you’re having trouble moving out of a bad situation naturally, you’ll need time to process all the feelings that will come up as you move toward a new phase of your life. Let it happen and enjoy it as much as you can. The best approach you can take in this situation is to trust that things will improve over time.

    Don’t wait for this-or-that to happen.

    This is a big one. If you’re always waiting for something else to happen before you act, you won’t make proactive decisions in a way that’s in line with what you want. 

    Stop thinking about it.

    I like to practice meditation and yoga, read a good book, or take a nap. The trick is to not think about the issue actively, but just take some time to enjoy where you are now.

    Obsessive thinking can do far more harm than good and never actually causes any change. Once you start feeling more present, you’ll take less joy in feeding the mental drama around the situation and naturally be less willing to put up with negativity it brings.

    Get some perspective.

    Taking a short (or longer) time away can break emotional ties in a big way and allow you to see things in a different way. You may also be motivated to make change as you recognize how much better you feel when you’re out of the environment where you feel stuck.

    Get healthy.

    Focus on yourself. Make your physical, mental, and emotional health your biggest priority. Once I started letting go of all the stress I’d been holding onto for so long, I was truly shocked by how great I could feel. I knew I wanted to pursue that amazing feeling.

    The key here is really to figure out what works for you to help you get unstuck. That may be chatting with one of your friends, taking a weekend out of town, or walking by the water. Then do it as much as you need to until you feel better.

    Don’t lose sight of what’s important to you. And if you’re not sure what’s important to you, make finding out a priority.

    I am still stuck, as I write this, in an unsatisfactory situation. I’m far from being able to completely avoid feeling trapped by certain situations I’ve gotten myself into, but I am committed to the personal values I’ve uncovered within myself, and I’m working hard to build the life I want. I also don’t let depressive and self-defeating thoughts take over at these times.

    Over time, you will learn to move past jobs, people, and places that don’t work for you more quickly and with ease.

    In the meantime, it always helps to remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, as fast as you can. When you’re finally able to let go of your fears and be proactive about your decisions, you will find that life is yours again, to be shaped and lived in any way you like.

    Photo by Rob Lee

  • Forming Healthy Habits: 3 Tiny Choices That Create Huge Change

    Forming Healthy Habits: 3 Tiny Choices That Create Huge Change

    Im Free

    “It is better to make many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    Seven years ago I was a sedentary, over-caffeinated, unmindful, somewhat neurotic meat-eater with a bit of a drinking problem. My meals came out of boxes with chemical compounds for ingredients and had little in the way of anything that grew outside or came from a field.

    I made excuses for not exercising, but in reality I was so insecure that I didn’t think I was strong enough to be athletic. I was afraid of making an utter fool of myself. And I was afraid that if I sat still long enough to look inward, I would loathe myself more than I already did.

    Today I am a mostly vegetarian running nut. I’m always training and gaining strength for the next race. For the most part my meals are fresh and made from scratch, containing less animal meat and more leaves.

    I still indulge in coffee and Coke, but find comfort and clarity in tea and a glass of water. I meditate regularly for my spiritual practice. Mindfulness is a part of my everyday life, and wine is no longer a stress-reliever.

    There are countless Cinderella stories like these out there, stories of couch potato turned to vegan Ironman, stories of people who turned terrible habits into wholesome ones. People who lost weight, kicked an addiction, stared their fears in the face, and made their lives better.

    But for people who are still in the Couch Potato Stage, these changes feel astronomical. You may as well ask them to leap across the Grand Canyon and land on the other side on both feet. 

    So how does a person go from being a lump to a marathoner?

    I did something quite simple that anybody who wants to change their life can do without stumbling and feeling like a failure.

    Each day, I made one small decision to make a healthier choice.

    Each choice was manageable. Rather than making grandiose plans to alter my diet and routine in massive ways, I made one small choice every day to make my life healthier.

    This slow change began seven years ago, when a small idea was planted in my mind and began to grow.

    Food.

    I realized that my diet depended heavily on processed food. I needed a Chemistry degree to understand what I was putting into my body. By watching an ex-boyfriend in the kitchen, I learned how to cook.

    Then every Sunday evening, I cooked a nice meal for myself, nothing too fancy. I became curious about different recipes and new foods. I soon found sanctuary in chopping vegetables, the aroma of fresh herbs, and gently simmering a sauce.

    I felt a sense of accomplishment in creating a nutritious and tasty meal, and before long I was cooking for myself three to four times a week.

    At lunch I chose to eat a piece of fruit and to drink water instead of a soda. At restaurants I chose salad instead of French fries and a veggie burger instead of a hamburger. When I got tired at work, I turned to water instead of coffee.

    I was still eating meat, but I was eating a lot less of it, and fruit was a regular snack.

    You don’t need to completely change your diet. You just need to start with one healthy choice.  Every small choice adds up.

    Exercise.

    After changing my diet, it took another three years to change my level of activity. I was going through major stress at work and in my personal life. I felt I needed intense physical activity that burned off pent up energy. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on fancy equipment, so I started running.

    For a long time I wanted to try running, but I was afraid that I would look stupid. One day I thought to myself, screw it—everyone feels stupid on their first run.

    On a quiet Sunday morning, I went on my first jog/walk. I felt so amazing that I bought a decent pair of running shoes. I haven’t stopped running since.

    That single choice to simply try exercise has lead me to three half marathons, a marathon, and a relay race. Running has helped me face myself in ways that I never imagined and find strength I didn’t think I had.

    You don’t need to run a marathon today, or even a mile. You simply can make the choice to do something, no matter how small, to be physically active.

    Meditation.

    Around the time I started running, I also tried meditation. I heard accounts of the benefits of meditations, such as reduced stress and clarity of mind, but I was afraid of finding what was hidden deep inside of me.

    I chose to simply try it. I sat for periods of ten minutes a few times a week. After trying that for a couple weeks, I felt like I needed guidance. So I searched for meditation services in my community. My first time sitting meditation at the Zen center, the silence and stillness of meditation brought me ease. I kept going back.

    I now use mindfulness and meditation as a regular part of my spiritual practice. It takes a lot of work to see my fears as they truly are.

    I’ve worked through jackal voices that tell me I’m not good enough. When I sit meditations, the stillness shows me that those are just voices and that they’re trying to protect me from life’s disappointments. And what keeps me going is the awareness that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

    You don’t need to meditate for hours at a time. All you have to do is sit in silence for a few moments each day to be more peaceful and present.

    Seven years since I chose not to eat something out of a box, I live my life each day making choices that don’t feel like sacrifices. Eating vegetables doesn’t feel like I’m denying myself potato chips. It feels as if I’m eating something that I enjoy. Going for a run doesn’t feel like I’m torturing myself for thirty minutes. It’s a choice that makes me feel invigorated.

    Each moment, you have an opportunity to make a choice. You can choose the same harmful habits that you always choose. Or you can choose a better habit that treats your body the way it deserves to be treated.

    Today, I am still making changes and am a constant work in progress. A year ago my drinking habit changed from two to three drinks per day to two to three drinks per month.

    Recognizing that this was a destructive habit, I reached a place where I was ready to let go of my dependence.

    I came home from a visit with my family (the side that doesn’t drink), and I was already on a five-day hiatus from drinking alcohol. Five days became six and then seven. I still struggle with those urges, but then I ask myself, what choice do I want to make?

    Photo by Tomás Fano

  • How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Ah, closure. That feeling of vindication, or a sense of completion—it can be very enticing!

    There are times when seeking resolution is really important. If we are having an argument with our partner, settling it can help strengthen our relationship. If we are having a disagreement over a contract, determining the outcome may be required to continue with the project at hand.

    In these types of situations, seeking resolution is very relevant.

    That said, there are loads of situations that occur in life in which we seek closure, even though it does not really serve us. As a matter of fact, this desire can hold us back.

    When we feel we’ve been done wrong, we want resolution. The size or type of infraction may not matter. We want to know who is guilty of the offense, or, if we know who the culprit is, we want to know why they did it.

    Here’s the catch: It’s pretty common to feel like this resolution is necessary to move forward.

    Many moons ago I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite unsavory. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone through my wallet, made note of my credit card info, and was using two of my cards to finance what I can only describe as a shopping addiction.

    I was not using the cards at all, so was not expecting to see bills, and since he consistently arrived home before I did, he was able to get the bills from the mailbox before I ever saw them.

    I did not learn of his deception until we broke up for other reasons.

    Besides dealing with typical breakup emotions, I also had to face the reality of this man’s ability to lie to me and steal from me.

    Yes, the relationship went south, but I thought we’d had love and respect between us, and, well, enough integrity to not commit crimes against one another.

    I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).

    Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.

    I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.

    We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.

    However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”

    What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

    We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.

    Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.

    Acknowledge that something crappy happened.

    Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.

    It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!

    Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.

    Identify all the feelings you do have.

    If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.

    This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.

    By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.

    The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.

    Release the need for outside meditation of any sort.

    This is not about forgiveness. It’s not about taking the high road, either. Those options both involve the other person. This is about us, and what we want.

    It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. We can use affirmations, or meditation, or whatever tools work for us for energy release.

    When we are looking for resolution from the outside world, we are also seeking acknowledgement. Learning to self-acknowledge is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.

    Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.

  • Why Bad Things Happen to Good People: How Is This Supporting You?

    Why Bad Things Happen to Good People: How Is This Supporting You?

    Mourning Woman

    “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival… Be grateful for whatever comes. Because each has been sent
 as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi

    Yesterday my boyfriend’s father told me that he doesn’t believe that everything happens for a reason. He explained, “Where I can’t get on board is, if that’s true, then why do bad things happen to good people?”

    It touches close to home for their entire family because not only does one of their sons’ girlfriends have a rare and terminal form of cancer, she met their son because he successfully removed a melanoma (a fast acting, lethal cancer).

    His girlfriend is in her late twenties, and she’s one of the sweetest young women I know. While she beat it into remission last year, it’s just come back. She’s living with constant fatigue, a broken rib that won’t heal, and the harsh reality is that she could die.

    His father and I began to connect over this age-old conundrum: Why do “bad” things happen to anyone—especially the kind-hearted, ourselves, or the ones we love?

    Hundreds of thousands of years of religion, philosophy, and artistic expression have sought to grasp: why are we truly here and why is there suffering?

    Certain chapters of my own life have seemed ruthless or even tragic as they were happening.

    As a child, I was often disappointed by my father, a person in my life who I loved dearly and who disappeared on my birthdays and holidays. sometimes without so much as a call.

    As a young adult, I learned that he battled his own demons with drugs, alcohol, and a traumatic past, which helped comfort me for why he wasn’t around when I was a child, but it broke my heart in a different way. I have often asked myself, “Why is there so much pain in the world?”

    Asking this question led me to realize it was more about my own pain within. My suffering drove me to search for happiness and freedom within myself. In fact, it’s been through the most challenging and darkest experiences that I’ve cultivated the greatest connection with the light of my heart.

    Have you ever heard how when someone has a near-death experience, they begin to realize what’s truly important to them in their lives? It’s said they often begin spending time with the ones they love, and ticking off items from their bucket list to do what they love.

    A really dark experience can be like a metaphorical near-death experience. Through the most painful life circumstances, I’ve discovered what’s most important to me.

    I’ve realized what’s most important for me is feeling free to do what I love, write, speak what is true from my heart, and cultivate a deep connection with love inside and outside myself.

    With love as my intention, I’ve overcome circumstantial challenges to realize that connection, authenticity, and freedom doesn’t depend on what happens in your life as much as how you respond to what happens.

    But how do you overcome challenging life-circumstances rather than falling victim to them?

    The question I ask myself in times of resistance is:

    “How is this supporting me?”

    Not everyone believes that certain things are “meant to be,” but opening yourself to how a negatively perceived experience could be supporting you is a powerful way to stop resisting what is and create space for acceptance.

    When you fall into a state of acceptance, you naturally connect with your being-ness: the now.

    When you are truly in the now, this present moment, is there ever anything actually wrong?

    Rumi must have known this about non-resistance, as his words remind the world to embrace everything that happens as a gift, a gift to support you.

    If you want an end to pain, resist nothing you feel in the present moment. When you open your heart to feeling, rather than responding with “why” or “why me?” you have a great opportunity to transform your circumstances into your destiny.

    Difficulty and challenge aren’t inherently bad. The difficulty of running that marathon, working to chase your dreams, or overcoming challenges—including the failures and disappointments—aren’t they part of the stuff that makes our lives meaningful?

    While it may be easier to say this about marathons and dreams than to say it to the little girl who felt more and more betrayed by life with each birthday missed by a father who seemed to cause a hole in her heart, or to the young woman who perceives to be losing her dreams because of a debilitating illness, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a purpose in what is being experienced.

    It’s not for me to understand why she is facing this twist in her life story, or what’s true about circumstances that have touched the lives of your family, friends, or those who you feel connected with during tragedies that may hit another part of the world.

    I can only say that by embracing every emotion caused by my own life stories, every perceived tragedy, and asking life with an open heart, “How is this supporting me?” I’ve reached acceptance and neutralized my own judgments time and time again.

    I have spent a lot of time reminding myself, “This is how I’ve asked it to be, so what is it trying to teach me?”

    Sometimes the answer was just to feel helpless, to let go of control, cultivate patience, know a deeper compassion, or just realize that no matter what, I love my father, despite the role that he has played in my life.

    I love life, despite the challenges I face.

    I’ve learned to keep my heart open to feel. And now I’m not so afraid of feeling. It is through feeling the depth of all my pain that I’ve created more space for love—and now I just feel more alive.

    So why do “bad” things happen to “good” people?

    When you stop resisting, start feeling, and ask how life is supporting you, you get out of your own way. This is what it means to surrender. And from seeing life that way, bad things stop happening; or rather, it’s not that “bad” things stop happening, you just stop seeing them as such.

    For example, if I hadn’t experienced so much pain and suffering in my life, I would have never gone on a journey to connect with my heart at such a deep level.

    How can I label pain and suffering as “bad” after realizing it’s what has supported me to expand, to experience more intimacy and love, and become more authentic? True acceptance subtly transforms “bad” into “meant to be” and slowly life naturally becomes less painful and more fun.

    The truth is, life doesn’t always give you what you think you want; life gives you what’s perfect. But perfection only becomes your experience depending on how you choose to respond to what happens.

    Did Nelson Mandela stop believing in a vision of freedom in jail? No. Do you think Mandela would have felt free stifling what he felt so strongly on the inside even if it kept him outside of jail? In fact, do you feel it’s possible Mandela felt freer even within the confines of that prison cell? Why would that be true? Because he was free in his heart.

    He transformed his circumstances into his destiny, and he transformed the world. He was just a man; he is no different from you or me. He chose to transform his circumstances into his destiny.

    Freedom and happiness have nothing to do with your circumstances, and everything to do with your level of connection with the truth that you feel in your soul and express to the world.

    As my boyfriends’ father and I sat there, he said in an afterthought, “I suppose if that kind of disease happened to me, I would just do my best to stand up as a living example to my children of how to face such an experience with ease and grace, so they would also know that it’s possible.”

    And isn’t that all anyone can do, face our own individual challenges with as much ease and grace to discover what we’re meant to do: be our selves, follow our destiny, and realize what’s truly important—love.

    For when you transform what happens “to you” into your life destiny, you become the change you wish to see in the world.

    Photo by Mitya Ku

  • The Power of Kindness: Life-Changing Advice About Creating Happiness

    The Power of Kindness: Life-Changing Advice About Creating Happiness

    Flower for You

    “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~Winston Churchill

    It was a beautiful winter’s day in Sydney. Having returned home after working for two years in Singapore and traveling through Asia, I felt like I owed it to myself to do something I loved.

    My heart has always been in fitness and travel. When there was a job opening at my local travel agency, I applied, went for the interview, and got the position. I was a happy girl—but only for a short while.

    Two months into my job, it didn’t feel right. I felt something was missing. And suddenly, everything that I thought I knew about my love for traveling went astray. I wasn’t satisfied with my job.

    I had to decide if I wanted to stay or leave. I didn’t have a wealth of options. If I were to quit, I would be jobless for a while. The best I could have done was to spread my love and knowledge of fitness to my average of fifty daily blog visitors.

    If I were to stay, I would have had to suck this up, being unhappy and unsatisfied.

    I took the road less travelled and sent in my letter of resignation a few days after.

    For weeks after that, I felt lost and uncertain. I wished I hadn’t resigned. I wondered: What am I going to eat? How am I going to sustain myself?

    And then it happened, when I least expected it.

    A seventy-five-year old lady came in on a rainy day. She had a medium sized stature, and she was of Asian descent with a rather intimidating face. She told me her name was Chan and that she would like to inquire about a trip to London to visit her daughter.

    I was rather reluctant at first to help her out, thinking it might be yet another empty inquiry, but I thought about how I would feel if my parents were the ones walking into a travel agent, being treated unfairly.

    I sat down at my desk, on my second-to-last day, with a genuine smile on my face.

    My “empty inquiry” thoughts turned out to be true. Two hours into her consultation, she said she needed to think about everything I’d proposed. I told myself it was okay. The sale wasn’t meant to be; at least I’d helped her as much as I could.

    Before she left, I had to tell her that it was my second-to-last day at work, and if she were to come in several days later, I wouldn’t be around to help her.

    I thought she wouldn’t really care, but to my surprise, Mrs. Chan sat back down on her seat.

    She started questioning me. She asked me where I was going, why was I quitting, and what my plans were after this.

    I tried to be as honest as I could, telling her that the job wasn’t right for me and I didn’t have any concrete direction. All I had was my Physiology degree and a burning passion for fitness. I was half-hearted. My eyes got wetter and she could sense the doubts in my voice.

    Like an angel sent from above, she held my hands and looked into my eyes.

    “My dear, sometimes in life we’re being tested. We’re given directions and options and we have to weigh them. And sometimes, even after weighing on a multitude of scales, lengths, and units, it is perfectly normal not to be sure of anything.”

    I kept silent. I was listening, my brain was processing.

    “I just turned seventy-five last week. I want to book a trip to London to surprise my daughter who has been living there for three years. Three years ago, she was at the exact same position as you. The only difference is she was made redundant.”

    Still listening, I was a tad surprised she was opening up about her life.

    “Before I go on, I want to thank you for helping me through this inquiry. I am always skeptical about travel agents, but you proved that not all of you are the same. It’s a pity that this company is going to lose an exceptional young lady like you, but I’m happy for you. I could see it through your eyes as soon as I stepped into the store that you would be better off elsewhere. And I was right!” Mrs. Chan chuckled.

    It was unbelievable hearing her speak when she’d seemed cold for the past two hours. Still, I continued listening.

    “Now I’m going to tell you exactly what I told my daughter three years ago. If you’re doing anything in life that is making you unhappy, you should stop as soon as you can. You’re young. Set yourself free. Don’t waste time doing things you don’t enjoy doing.”

    “Great, now she’s reading my mind,” I silently thought, still waiting for her next words.

    “You might not know at this point in time if this is the right thing you’re doing. You might fail. You might be disappointed you left a good-paying job. But a good-paying job is nothing if you’re not happy.”

    She continued, “Finish your duties here and step into the unknown world. You never know what you might discover. You should be out there seeing the world and helping people with your beautiful smile and kind soul.”

    The tears I was vainly holding back started to roll down my cheeks.

    “And if life hits you hard one day, remember you made the effort to pursue your dreams. You made memories. And you chased after what you loved the most. You will be okay.”

    Her words hit me hard. I never knew I needed them until that moment. It was the most perfect timing in my life.

    “That is all I can say to you. Like a seventy-five-year old knows any better!” she joked.

    I wiped my tears and walked her out of the door. I wanted to hug her and just stay there in her arms, the arms of a stranger that I only knew for two hours, but I held myself back.

    “And remember this—no matter what you do, be kind to others. That should be the fundamental base of all your actions.”

    Stunned for the millionth time, I stood there, speechless. She left. I saw her walk away. I don’t even know her full name. Or her contact details.

    I went home that night and hugged my mother. I needed it. I needed her. And I never knew I needed Mrs. Chan and her words.

    It came to me because I was kind. And it came to me when I least expected it.

    Being kind is the fundamental base of all my actions. And I will remember that for the rest of my life. 

    Sometimes in life we meet people who are there to help and guide us, but we have to be open to receive it. Whether or not we choose to accept it, everyone wins when we’re all kind to one another.

    Never underestimate the power of kindness. You never know how much happiness you can bring to someone’s life.

    Photo by Kietaparta

  • 3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    Smiling Together

    “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

    It’s the small, everyday things that can make or break a day for us.

    While we celebrate the role models who inspire thousands (in person or on Facebook!), for most of us everyday moments—a stranger jostling us in the shops, a driver cutting us up at a light, someone pushing in front of us in line at the post office—can upset us out of all proportion.

    But the flip side is that we can also be disproportionately pleased by the small actions of a stranger.

    On a bad day recently, rushing down the road in Chiang Mai, Thailand, late for an appointment, I dropped my bag and things spilled all over the road. I looked at my possessions spread out in the dust beneath me and held back tears.

    As I stood there, a Thai woman, tending a food cart at the side of the road, walked over and carefully helped me pick everything up. Then she smiled at me, patted my hand, and walked back to her stall.

    This small act of kindness from a stranger reminded me to be kind to myself, and I took a breath before continuing with my day, lighter in heart and mind.

    Be that stranger. Here are three small acts of kindness you can carry out today.

    Offer your help.

    Last year I met someone who challenged himself to offer his help to one person every day.

    One day, I was really ill, in a foreign country, alone. I had no way of getting to the shops. He offered his help and brought me groceries. It was a small thing for him. But I was hugely grateful, and it made a real impact on me, this almost-stranger providing practical help.

    Now I try and offer my help more often.

    At first I used to think no one would be interested in my help, or they’d be suspicious, or dozens of other reasons that stopped me from offering. But even when people don’t need it, they appreciate being offered help.

    I offered someone help with something they were carrying yesterday, and while he turned me down, we exchanged a joke and a few words, and both of us went on our way happier.

    And when people do need the help, you’ll be amazed at the long-lasting impact it can have.

    Be of service. Offer assistance.

    Say thank you.

    You might say thank you 100 times a day. It’s a politeness, a courtesy. But how many times do you actually mean it? How many times are you still engaged in the conversation when you say it, and not turning away toward the next thing?

    I have a friend who doesn’t just write the usual “To Sarah, Happy Birthday, Love Mary,” on birthday cards but instead takes the time to write a more heartfelt message. She includes some of the things she appreciates her friend for doing for her that year.

    Getting a card from her doesn’t feel like a formality, it feels like a true connection. And her cards are the ones I remember.

    Today, say thank you like you mean it. Catch the other person’s eye and say it firmly. “Thank you. I really appreciate your help.” It could be to the girl who serves you your caramel macchiato in Starbucks, or your dad for helping you out by putting that shelf up for you.

    Or, if it feels too personal or intimate to say it face-to-face, write a letter or a card to a friend thanking them for something specific they contributed to the friendship last year—their joy, their lightness of touch, the great presents they always buy you, their sense of humor.

    Be grateful, and share that gratitude with the other person.

    Compliment someone.

    We judge others in our head all the time, just as we judge ourselves all the time. I hate that dress she’s wearing. I look fat in that mirror. I can’t believe she just said that. That nail  polish is awful. He really can’t do that yoga pose… It’s a constant narrative.

    But we also think positive things in the same way: I love that skirt. I wish my hair was that color. Those shoes are great. He does a great downward dog; I wish I was that confident.

    In my last job, particularly when I was feeling negative (and knew it might leak out), I used to push myself to articulate the compliments I usually just said in my head. Sometimes the person I was complimenting was a little taken aback, but they were always pleased.

    Put your focus on the positive by expressing it. Tell someone what you like, admire, and appreciate. Share the love.

    These actions might seem small, but not only do they make others’ lives better, they are also directly nourishing for you. Being kind is good is not only good for your heart, it’s good for your health.

  • 4 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Unhappy with Your Work

    4 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Unhappy with Your Work

    “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

    In my working lifetime, I have been the poster child for seeking work-life balance. I have spent hundreds of hours curled into complex yoga asanas, breathing into the resistance and unexpected openness.

    I have meditated sincerely, flowering into a quieter mind. Add to that a happy, growing relationship, stable social connections, and purposefully cultivated hobbies, and you would think that I go humming and beaming to work each morning.

    The startling truth is that for every minute that I have spent meditating in my entire life, I have cried in my car coming to or from my job.

    When I first started working, it seemed normal—if you have a bad day, I reasoned, you let off a little emotional steam in the car on the way home.

    As a teacher, I often experience my most tumultuous classroom situations during the last part of the day, and the result is that as a new teacher, I often climbed into my car shell-shocked and fragile, barraged by a hailstorm of chaotic situations.

    My first year, the answer was mindfulness, and therefore I pursued yoga and meditation with the doggedness of a shipwrecked sailor swimming for shore. My mental image of stress reduction was that mindfulness techniques were a counterweight for stressful situations.

    In the process, I took responsibility for my tranquility, but not for the situations that were causing me so much angst.

    My second year, I switched jobs and kept doing yoga avidly, but I also gravitated towards the philosophy of “no”—that if I could protect my boundaries more skillfully, that I could weaken the thick net of sadness that I tangibly felt tightly wrapped around my job and schedule.

    Again, this was a wonderful, positive technique; by reducing my activities, I narrowed and strengthened my channel of energy. However, I continued to perform that defeating ritual of the occasional “afternoon cry,” and was adding morning weep sessions to my repertoire.

    No simple solutions, regardless of their wisdom or usefulness, warded off the constant worrying about work situations, and by the end of that year, I was understandably burned out and confused.

    Branching out into more hobbies, my final attempt to achieve that elusive “work-life balance,” had only succeeded in diluting my passion instead of re-awakening it, and I came to a skidding stop in the educational field. I quit my job.

    Now, I am thankful for this burnout—running out of quick answers and clever solutions dropped me onto the bedrock of humility with a resounding thud.

    I finally realized that work-life balance is elusive because it is always a shining horizon—if I see my work as something to “balance,” I run in the opposite direction as soon as I clock out for the day, and my energies are pulled in different directions.

    In the end, my many attempts to achieve that golden standard of “balance” resulted in a hollowness—an inability to “go deep” in any direction. As long as I made these techniques the locus of my attention, I was distracted from the core issues that resulted in my desperate frustration.

    Although at the time I thought that another career—any other career—was the answer, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t even asking the right questions. I am thankful now that I was serendipitously brought back into alignment with teaching, and that I have had an opportunity to heal my wounds as an educator in a beautiful way.

    In the process, these are the four questions that I have developed for use in times of career unhappiness, which provoke honest self-evaluation and authentic action. These questions open the heart of the matter.

    1. What are the separate issues?

    When I hit my bottom in my vocation of teaching, I forced myself, in an unlooked-for burst of clarity, to create a chart that outlined my distinct issues with my job.

    In my current position at the time, the problems ranged widely from my personal safety all the way to poor administration. I could do nothing about many of the issues, I realized, but one of my unmet needs, getting a masters degree, was entirely within my realm of control.

    By separating the issues, I was able to define the “deal-breakers” and bring distinctness to what was before an overwhelming amalgam of bad feelings.

    2. What can I do differently right now?

    Once you have separated the issues, you can then decide which of the problems within your control you can transform immediately.

    Some changes must wait—they are within your power, but they are necessarily time-bound. However, there are other issues that can be addressed right away, and change can bring immediate relief even if you plan on eventually leaving your job.

    Positive strategies such as asking for help and reaching out for healthy social connections at work can help make you happier right now, regardless of your ultimate employment decision. Sometimes you just need to clear the spiritual fog by mitigating acute stress before you can move in any direction.

    3. How can I disconnect my effort from my expectations?

    Possibly the most powerful agent of burnout in any profession is the lack of tangible results. For me, my heart was broken every time I couldn’t see a project through to completion, and once I broke that arrow that connected effort to results, my expectations were far more realistic.

    I am now able to plunge in—and back out—of projects with more abandon, understanding that sometimes trying is the same as doing. When you truly feel connected to the purpose of your work, the endeavor or effort is an end unto itself, and the results are secondary.

    This question makes the important assumption that you strongly believe in what you are doing, even if the outcomes are sometimes disappointing. However, if even the process is draining, you may not be living in alignment with your mission.

    4. What is my mission?

    Recognizing and celebrating your unique voice, which will never be spoken by any other human being, is an important part of the journey to peace with your work.

    Your mission is not intertwined with your job—your mission is completely internal. You are the archetypal hero, accomplishing your life’s work, and the job or the career is simply an outer manifestation of the spiritual odyssey.

    Your inner mission may be in alignment with your job, or your career may at least have the potential to exist in service of your calling.

    But because your mission is not something that you have to generate, it creates unrest when you ignore it. If you’re feeling stifled and limited by your current job, you need to do the gentle but courageous work of discerning your deepest purpose, and take the necessary actions to follow that expansion.

    —

    I still do yoga daily. Setting appropriate boundaries and saying “no” to people is truly a part of my spiritual practice.

    The hobbies that I have developed over the years are still integral to my routines and add color and joy to my life. However, until I could ask myself those four questions, I was only re-dressing the surface issues and leaving the core dilemmas unresolved—and I kept crying in the car.

    But ultimately, I found myself irresistibly pulled through my discontent to a deeper connection with my great work.

    There are no quick fixes. Work-life balance, if it is even possible, is certainly not achievable if you are turning a deaf ear to the call of your most urgent and aligned life’s work.

    Clarify those longings and answer them, and then make all the changes that you need to make, no matter how large or small. Go deep in that direction.

    When you are firmly grounded in the passion of creatively discovering your vocation one day at a time, you will absorb that energy. Then, instead of creating the storms in your life, you will have the deep, healthy roots to weather the challenges that will inevitably arrive when you are fully engaged with life.

  • Life Happens When You Listen: Let Yourself Learn from the Moment

    Life Happens When You Listen: Let Yourself Learn from the Moment

    Listen

    “Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.” ~Jose Ortega y Gasset

    Something magical and wonderful happened to me over Christmas. For the first time in my life I was able to make sense out of a string of seemingly random events that made no sense at all, that is, until I bothered to stop, listen, and check in with my heart.

    My family and I were staying in a hotel in Brisbane, Australia, for three nights over the Christmas period. It was a special Christmas this year because it was my big fiftieth birthday on Boxing Day.

    The first event happened at breakfast on Boxing Day morning as I was opening my gifts. My husband had bought me an original Women’s Weekly magazine from December 1963, and my two sons were curious as to what it was all about.

    My husband said it was a memento for me to cherish, to keep, and to see how much the world had changed since then. He explained that his mum had bought him a Life magazine for his fiftieth and how much he loved it.

    We then went to the cinema to watch a movie called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and, lo and behold, the whole movie was set around Life magazine.

    We couldn’t believe it. Surely it wasn’t a coincidence that we had just been talking about Life magazine (a topic that had never been discussed before), and there it was larger than life on the big screen. 

    The movie also centred on travel and photography, something that my husband absolutely adores.

    The next day we went for a walk in the city and my husband took his camera with him. I walked and talked while he scanned and clicked. I remember thinking to myself at the time how much joy he gets from taking photos.

    On our last day we were having breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and as I stood waiting for my toast to pop, up a lady came up to me and asked if I my name was Claire and if I used to live in Lismore, Australia.

    I said yes and frantically tried to remember who she was. It came to be that our two eldest sons were childhood friends and her son would often come around to our place to play. This was twenty years ago.

    She said that she was here with her husband in Brisbane for only a few days visiting their son, who was doing an international photography course at university.

    I sat down and finished my breakfast, reflecting on why at this hotel, on this day at this time did I connect with a lady who I had not seen, heard, or thought of in twenty years. And then it dawned on me—this was no coincidence!

    I believe that the world is always sending us messages, prompts, advice, hints, or whatever we need to steer us in the direction of our heart’s desire.

    Sometimes these maybe personal messages meant for you and sometimes they may be for another person. In this particular case I knew without a doubt that I had a wonderful insight to pass on to my husband.

    How did I know this?

    Life magazine was given to my husband; it wasn’t given to me. My husband has always had a passion for travel, he loves taking photos, and he has a talent for writing. If the movie wasn’t enough to convince me, then the interaction with the lady from Lismore whose son was studying photography at university was the fait accompli.

    My husband has been struggling for many years to try and find some meaning and purpose in his life.

    We have discussed this conundrum so many times and have always ended up with the same result. Just keep doing the job you are doing, be grateful that you have a job, be grateful for the other great things in your life and be hopeful that one day you will connect with what your soul’s intention is. Well that day came over Christmas!

    The clues were loud and clear. Photography was what he needed to pursue. Put this together with travel and writing and bingo, there was his meaning and purpose.

    When I revealed this to him it was as though a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He sat with it for a few days and let it wash over him. He reflected on what he used to love doing as a teenager; he remembered times when he was fully engaged and they all pointed to the camera.

    He found photos of himself trekking in the Himalayas just like Walter Mitty had and it all made sense.

    We agreed that it didn’t have to be a dramatic career change but just a step in the direction of following his heart and allowing himself to shine at something that spoke to his soul.

    He now has a new camera, he is booked in to do some photography courses, and he is joyfully creating a life with meaning and purpose.

    While I believe the universe sends us signs to help us grow and flourish, you could also see it it as your higher self—an inner knowing that helps you hear and follow your heart’s calling.

    Even if you believe everything is random, you can benefit from listening to the moment instead of getting caught up in your own world. This world is usually the one that exists in your head between your ears.

    When you get out of your head and start to live in the present a whole new world will unfold before your eyes.

    If you are wondering how you can do this, here are some tips:

    1. Consciously and deliberately be grateful for all of the wonderful things in your life.

    If you are struggling to think of any, let me jog your memory; be grateful for the water that runs freely out of your tap, the lights that come on when you flick a switch, the freedom you have as you walk out your front door, the food that you have on your table, the bed that you have to sleep in, and the technology that you have to read this blog on.

    By doing this, you bring your focus out of your head and to the present moment, where magical things happen all of the time.

    2. Be mindful by concentrating fully and intently on the present moment without any form of judgment.

    When you enter this space and let go of all thoughts about the past and all thoughts about the future, you are truly living in the moment. This moment in your life is all that is guaranteed. Enjoy it, embrace it, and practice it every day. By doing this, you will be creating the space for messages to enter your consciousness.

    3. Have an open mind and don’t shut yourself off to anything.

    I could have easily let all those “coincidences” pass without a second thought, but because I was open to new possibilities, I chose to listen. The result was such joy.

    Become aware of how much you live and experience the world in your head. When you catch yourself thinking about the past or the future, bring your mind back to the present moment, breathe deeply, take in what is happening around you, check in with how you are feeling, be thankful, and keep your mind open.

    You won’t know what your intuition is telling you unless you stop to truly listen. This is when life really happens!

    Photo by Eddi van W.

  • How to Find Clarity When You’re Confused About What to Do

    How to Find Clarity When You’re Confused About What to Do

    “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero 

    You know that state of confusion where you feel really unsure about what to do—you’re talking about it with all of your friends, making lists, weighing options, lying awake all night?

    As confused and unsure as you may feel in those moments, you’re not. You have much more clarity than you think.

    Re-read that last line again. You have a lot more clarity than you think. You see, clarity is what you are. It’s what you’re born with, it’s your true nature, and it’s what is always there underneath the mess of confusing thought that sometimes dances on the surface.

    Confusing thought is there in spades. Being lost in your own personal thought is what produces the feeling of confusion.

    But are “you” actually confused? Nope, not in the least.

    If I Am Clarity, Why Do I Feel Confused?

    The feeling you call confusion is a big to-do that’s created in your mind when you have all kinds of conflicting thoughts (for example, do it, don’t do it, take a chance, why fix what’s not broken?) and you seriously entertain each of those as if they are helpful or important.

    You innocently treat those thoughts as if they are each deserving of consideration just because they happen to be there, forgetting that thoughts are just blips of energy—they don’t possess qualities like “deserving.”

    When you’re in a big thought storm and you grab onto each disagreeing thought that wizzes by, it feels like serious brain muddle.

    Real as it seems, the confusion is an illusion. You nearly always know what you want to do—but you have too much thinking about it all to just go with what you deep-down know.

    For example, I have a ton of thinking about leaving my kids for a few days. I mean a ton.  My separation anxiety is unenlighted to epic proportions.

    I can very easily rattle off a dozen or more reasons to not travel without them, even for very short trips. If I were to make a decision based on my emotions or on the availability of solid “reasons,” I would surely never go.

    So when an opportunity for me to learn from some incredible people next month—for four and a half days, thousands of miles away (the kids will go to bed without me tucking them in for five nights; it literally makes me nauseous to type that)—I knew I couldn’t do it.

    But just a tiny bit more than that, I knew I had to do it.

    And so I told my husband about the opportunity. That was a huge step because, although it’s ultimately my choice, he rarely lets me bow out of things I truly want because of something as minor as insecure, wavering thinking.

    I was right. As soon as I told him, he told me to stop being ridiculous and book the trip. Even though it means he’d be alone with two toddlers for four-and-a-half days, he said “It’s a no-brainer, book the trip.”

    I can’t. I can. I can? Can I really? I couldn’t. I went on and on like that for the better part of an hour, while he lovingly said, “You’re a basket case; just book the trip already.”

    That basket case state where you are honestly entertaining the flurry of competing thought and you’re completely unaware of the calm and clarity beneath the thought—that’s confusion.

    Clarity

    Although it still seems wrong on many levels, I booked the trip because something deeper and calmer tells me that the wrongness is narrow and subjective. Not just because my husband tells me it’s crazy, but because the wiser part of me sort of knew it was all along.

    Why I feel conflicted couldn’t be less important.

    I’m sure I felt abandoned as a kid and don’t want my kids to feel that way, or something along those lines. But it couldn’t matter less because what happened in the past is not the reason I feel the way I feel now. My current, in this moment thinking—and nothing else—is why I feel the way I feel now.

    When I jump on the “Can I? I can’t. I can?” merry-go-round, I get whipped all over the place in a grand gesture of confusion and uncertainty.

    But here’s the magical thing I found: when I stepped away from that merry-go-round, something else was there.

    I want to be very clear about how that something else looked, felt, and sounded. It did not speak loudly—in fact, it was very easily drowned out by the “I can…I couldn’t” tug-of-war.

    It was not an overwhelming feeling of conviction, and it certainly did not erase all my doubts and fears. The doubts and fears were—and are—still spinning.

    Here’s the best way I can think to describe it:

    If I were to pit the knowing voice that arose from the confusion against the confused voice, the knowing voice would be like me after eight hours of sleep and a good breakfast, and the confused voice would be like me with no sleep and a shot of tequila.

    The former just feels a little more trustworthy, a little sounder, and a little more grounded. The latter is louder, more repetitive, and maybe even a little more passionate, but it lacks substance. I get the very clear sense that I might be better served by the former.

    That’s how I know that the knowing voice was clarity.

    Well, that and the fact that I know enough to recognize insecure, personal thinking by now.

    I recognize the merry-go-round. I’m quite familiar with the feeling of jumping on board with flip-flopping, fast-moving, fear-rooted thoughts. And I definitely recognize the fast-talking, passionate-sounding voice that feels like me with no sleep and a little mind-altering substance.

    I’m familiar enough to remember that when I stay grounded and off the merry-go-round, the thoughts eventually die down. They sometimes come back and rev back up, but then they simply die down again.

    And when they finally die down enough—which tends to happen faster the more I stand back and let them do their thing—that knowing voice is still there. That voice is constant while the others aren’t.

    Yet another sign that it’s my always-there clarity.

    Multiple Versions of Reality

    Since I’ve committed to going on the trip, it’s been really fascinating.

    There are ways I can think about it that make me break out in a rash. When my mind creates images of my kids feeling abandoned, or when it creates feelings of those four-and-a-half days being the slowest….days….ever, I suffer.

    But those images and feelings always fade at some point and I stop suffering.

    There are also moments when my mind creates totally different images and feelings, and I feel enthusiastic and eager to go on the trip.

    What has become very clear is that there are multiple versions of reality available to me at any given time.

    Luckily, I know that. I know that even in the middle of an anxiety-provoked rash, I’m only experiencing my own very biased perception of events, not events themselves. This is especially obvious when I consider that I haven’t even gone on the trip yet. I haven’t been away from my kids, and yet I’ve suffered over being away from them. How crazy is that?

    So, knowing that my suffering is only due to my current-moment version of reality helps a lot. It also helps a lot to remember that nearly every time I’ve been totally positive something will be a horrible experience—yet that tiny knowing voice suggests I do it anyway—it ends up not being so bad.

    You can remember these things too, because I’d bet anything they are also true for you.

    The more you learn to recognize your own knowing voice and distinguish it from the loud, repetitive, flip-flopping doubts, the more you naturally cut through what looks like confusion and simply do what you already know to do.

  • How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    Skipping Men

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an anxious person. My grandfather died when I was four years old and some of my earliest memories consist of panic attacks whenever I was left alone. In my mind, I had to keep my loved ones in sight at all times, so there would be no chance of them disappearing, just as my grandpa did.  

    From that point on, I slowly began to overcome my fears of separation from family. However, new anxieties began to take its place. Whether I was nervous about meeting new people or panicking over unexpected change, my anxiety was all consuming and seemingly endless, without an outlet.

    Somewhere in my senior year of high school, a friend suggested that I should start exercising to relieve some stress. The first day in the gym was a source of anxiety in itself. Between checking in, finding an open machine, and deciding what to do next, the entire process was entirely overwhelming.

    For a while, I was too nervous to step foot in the gym without a friend with me because I was too scared to be left alone with my thoughts for too long.

    Separation from familiar people is a scary thing in a time where you’re constantly connected no matter where you are. You can be standing on a mountaintop seemingly alone, but with thousands of people in your pocket.

    With this being the new reality, any time of time to yourself can be a source of anxiety.

    Eventually, I learned that being alone sometimes is a good thing. Each day I would step outside of my comfort zone and try something new. Some days it would be a walk around the block with only my dog and some silence. Other days, it was taking a yoga class by myself.

    Some of my challenges were harder than others. I found that taking classes in my gym enabled me to ease into workouts on my own.

    Although some days were successful, on others I would have serious setbacks. The worst of these was abandoning my workout because I knew someone who was working out and I was too embarrassed to complete my workout with them there.

    After years of being mocked for my lack of coordination, I feared judgment and began to feel that all eyes were on me during every move I made.

    Somewhere along the line I had a major realization: Only I can make myself happy. Stressing over a situation will in no way change it, and being self-conscious in the gym definitely wouldn’t get me in shape.

    While this realization pushed me to keep going, it didn’t resolve all of my fears. In the beginning I would still worry about what others thought and spend time stressing over every situation that was slightly outside of my comfort zone.

    Even though I realized that I had to make a change, I also realized that I wouldn’t do it overnight.

    Small steps on a daily basis gradually enabled me to be more comfortable with myself, both inside the gym and out. I slowly became more confident and frequently engaged in more situations that I never before imagined doing.

    At the beginning, my exercise was meant as means to relieve stress but only ended up causing more. I think this is because I didn’t do it for the right reasons. I sought out exercise as a cure-all that would wipe away my problems with only a few visits to the gym.

    Over time I began to see exercise for its greater meaning. It could be a short-term reliever of anxiety, but it was a life long journey toward better health. As soon as I started to see it that way, my fear diminished.

    This journey forced me to try to be a little better each and every day, to be stronger mentally and physically than I’ve ever been before.

    Many people think of exercise as a way to strengthen your body and calm your mind. Over time I realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed to strengthen both my body and mind, and I had to do so through challenging both.

    I could have easily have gotten in shape in my basement as many others do, but that would not have challenged my anxious mind. I would have felt safe and calm in the confines of my comfort zone.

    The best thing I ever did was get that gym membership and force myself to get there. It not only led to a love of physical activity, but it also led to a feeling of confidence that I had never before experienced.

    Anxiety is a tough thing to deal with. It makes you feel guilty and scared, and it can keep you from doing things you love.

    While my anxiety never truly went away, it no longer controls or defines me. The best way to reduce the impact it has on you is to try your hardest to step outside of your comfort zone whenever you can.

    Even though it feels frightening at first, doing a little more each day can help make it seem less overwhelming. Over time, you’ll be able to do things you never knew were possible. Time and effort will make your journey easier and lessen the burden of your struggle.

    For me, making the active decision to push myself is what got me through the worst of my anxieties.

    Now, when anxiety tries to challenge me, I know that I’m the stronger one.

    Photo by istolethetv

  • 6 Ways Your Mind Tries to Control Your Life

    6 Ways Your Mind Tries to Control Your Life

    Hand on Head

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    Our mind is a funny thing. On the one hand, it’s awesome. But on the other, it can pulverize us more quickly and ruthlessly than anything else.

    Our mind is inherently scared. That’s its job, to be cautious—to keep us alive, to have us cross roads safely and not get eaten by a lion. But left unchecked, it can become paralyzed with fear and meaner than a cornered crocodile.

    And it’s incredibly bossy.

    The mind’s tendency to want to control is so strong and so habitual that we often don’t realize when it tries to push our inner wisdom and natural sense of ease and love aside.

    The bad news is there is no book or course that will change the nature of our mind. The good news? We don’t have to change it. The problem isn’t our mind but how we use it.

    We feel anxious, fearful, sad, or resentful when we give our mind too much power, when we follow its dopey ideas against our better judgment.

    Here’s how to spot when your mind is trying to take over.

    1. When you ignore your natural inclination.

    Your mind is smart. Not wise smart but computer smart.

    Your mind isn’t into all that woolly intuition jazz. It wants facts. It likes making calculations. Running the odds.

    Say you want to call a friend you haven’t thought of in years. But then your mind says, “Don’t be silly. He’s probably not home. He won’t remember me.”

    So you don’t call.

    But have you ever followed one of those inclinations and then looked back and seen, wow, look at everything that happened after?

    And what about decisions like what to do with your life? The logical way is listen to experts or copy what works for other people. Your mind loves this.

    This is why we ignore the little voice that says, “You should be a writer,” and choose instead to study statistics, because there are plenty of jobs for statisticians. Or we train to be a dancer because we’re “good at that.”

    Except you aren’t “other people.” And experts aren’t as expert about you as you are. And just because you’re “good at something” doesn’t mean it’s what you want to do.

    2. When you want to say no but you end up saying yes.

    Do you have trouble saying no?

    I used to. I didn’t even see it as a serious option until I was age twenty-three and so strung out from months of overdoing that I went for five nights without sleep in the middle of finals.

    It was messy.

    I thought there were rules more important than my deep desire not to do something. Rules like be a good friend, be a good student, go to lots of parties.

    It took me months to recover.

    This is, of course, a total mind thing. Your mind wants to be liked and it thinks everything is important.

    Your mind doesn’t realize that saying “no” isn’t a big deal, or even a medium deal. Or that your intuition is where wisdom lies.

    Not only is it your right to do as you genuinely desire, it benefits everyone when you do.

    I was watching An Angel at My Table recently, based on the autobiography of Janet Frame, one of New Zealand’s favorite authors. Janet spent eight years in a psychiatric hospital, had two hundred electroshock treatments, and narrowly escaped a lobotomy only to learn years later that she wasn’t unwell; she just didn’t like being very social, and if she did what she felt like doing, she was fine.

    3. When you constantly text or check your phone, email, or Facebook status.

    I love the Internet and email and reading comments on my blog. Just love it. What an awesome world we live in.

    But often I feel off balance because of it. Or rather, because of how I use it.

    And it’s not like I don’t know why I get so hooked on it. I do. I’m looking for approval.

    The need for approval goes deep. Not only is it a natural trait of the mind, it’s entrenched by our schooling system.

    But it’s dangerous. It keeps you distracted from the present moment and trains you to worry when people disapprove. Which they will.

    The modern hyper-connected world is addictive. To the mind it’s like candy.

    So what’s the answer? Give it all up?

    Personally, heck no. But setting limits and removing temptation keeps things in check.

    4. When you think, “It’s all very well for them.”

    Have you ever heard an inspirational story and thought, “It’s all very well for him, he came from a rowing family. It’s easy for him to row the Northwest Passage.”

    You see it all the time and it’s a classic case of your mind resisting change, worried you’ll want to make some leap of your own.

    Take Elizabeth Gilbert and her book, Eat, Pray, Love.

    It wasn’t a story about traveling around the world. Not really. It was about survival and courage and how one woman used the resources she had to save herself.

    Thinking, as a few did, that it’s all very well for her she could afford to travel around the world is missing the point.

    We all have the ability to get up off our metaphorical bathroom floor. And we all have our own unique set of resources to help us. When your mind is quickly dismissive and judgmental, it’s trying to stop you from seeing this.

    5. When you try and control someone else.

    Have you ever thought you knew better than someone else and tried to get them to do things your way?

    Just like dozens of times a day, right?

    Your mind is certain you have to intervene. You don’t. Your mind thinks it knows best. It doesn’t.

    Trying to control other people, in small and big matters, is not only annoying and disrespectful, it stops the flow of life. You miss out.

    I don’t know how many times I’ve experienced a profound and unexpected pleasure after I’ve ignored the urge to butt in.

    6. When you feel inadequate for being “too negative.”

    We’re inundated with messages telling us we should be grateful and positive and the like. They’re well meaning, but ultimately unhelpful.

    Because here’s the catch.

    Your mind regards these ideas as rules and is critical when you fail, as you invariably will. Because seriously, who’s positive or grateful all the time?

    A few years ago a friend told me I was a negative person.

    My response: “Okay, so how do I change that?”

    “You don’t,” he said. “You probably won’t always be this way. It’s just how you are right now.”

    Whenever you feel inadequate, this is your mind pushing you to “follow the rules.” It’s well intentioned, but misguided.

    Accepting how you are, no matter how you are, is the most loving and genuinely positive thing you can do.

    And yes, this applies to when you’re being controlling.

    It’s your mind’s nature to seek control. It’s neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Sometimes you’ll succumb, other times you won’t. And it’s all perfectly okay.

    Photo by threephin

  • Identity Crisis: When You Aren’t Sure Who You Are or How You Fit In

    Identity Crisis: When You Aren’t Sure Who You Are or How You Fit In

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    In another life, not too long ago, I was an actress.

    I fell into acting when a catalogue showed up on my doorstep for UCLA Extension summer classes, and in my boredom I started flipping through it to see what was on offer. For whatever reason (synchronicity? my intuition?), the Acting 101 class jumped out at me, and something in me said yes.

    At the time, I was living in West Los Angeles, only a few years out of college after graduating from Pepperdine with a degree in business; working in the travel industry; and quite frankly, not entirely sure how I really wanted to spend my life.

    My identity as college grad with a business degree didn’t mesh well with this newly emerging identity as an actress, but that little “yes” that signed me up for the class quickly became a louder “yes” as I fell in love with acting.

    Even though I was a performer at heart (dance was my medium of choice for thirteen years in my youth), acting was only something I did occasionally in a school play here and there. But this, Acting 101, this was something new.

    This was my chance to become not just one aspect but all aspects of who I imagined myself to be, as I brought words to life, I embodied amazing roles, I hobnobbed with the stars…okay, that last bit might be stretching the truth. (As an “indie film” actress, most of my hobnobbing was with other talent from the independent film and local theatre scene.)

    But no matter who I was hobnobbing with, I always found myself comparing and falling short—reaching for my new identity as a “successful actress.”

    Not pretty enough.

    Not skinny enough.

    Not put together enough.

    I remember thinking “if only” time and again; if only I were (fill in the blank), people would accept me, understand me, love me.

    Life is hard when you don’t know who you are.

    Or so I thought—until I met and fell in love with an actor who was actually doing those things I wanted to do, and yet still had many moments feeling as lost and disconnected as I did.

    I began to awaken to the possibility that no one is immune to this identity crisis; even those who seem to have everything together question who they are and why they’re here.

    This identity crisis, fueled with my desire to help others in a more direct way, set me off on my current journey as a healer and coach. I was seeking to understand who we are at a deeper level rather than try to simply “fit in.”

    Yet even as a coach, I found myself holding tight to the role I played as my identity. I wanted to be like other coaches—successful coaches—and I wanted to look and feel the way they did, fit into the mold that was shaped for my occupation.

    But the harder I tried, the more I realized that I didn’t fit in. Not because I was doing anything wrong but because the truth is, “fitting in” is an illusion.

    We are more than just our personalities, our likes, and dislikes.

    We’re more than our gifts, talents, and skills.

    We’re more than what we do, and we’re most certainly more than our bank accounts (or lack thereof).

    In truth, I believe our real identity actually brings us closer together rather than further apart, and it’s less about “fitting in” and more about truly connecting with one another.

    I began to shift the story from lonely outsider to a small but very important part of the whole. 

    This changed not only how I felt, but also how I showed up in the world.

    If we listen to our ego, we only see the differences between us and other people, but if we listen to our intuition, we see the overlaps, similarities, and connections.

    I began to ask the deeper questions—not who am I, but who are we? And more importantly, what are we, collectively, here for?

    The answer that came through for me was so simple, yet so profound.

    Love.

    We seek love because we are love. That is our identity.

    When we remember how alike we are at the core, it makes figuring out who we are on the surface simply a secondary gain.

    You may be questioning who you are, why you’re here, and what your real identity is; after all, we all do.

    Who you are is always evolving, so rather than get stuck turning inward to figure it out, I challenge you to shift your focus.

    Just for today, try this:

    Every time you connect with another person, whether it’s a stranger, colleague, loved one, or even someone who rubs you the wrong way (actually, especially if it’s someone who rubs you the wrong way), ask yourself this question:

    How are we alike?

    Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that you both read the same books. Or have the same views on an area of life. Or perhaps you both just love the color purple.

    Or maybe you can feel deeper into it and sense that they are seeking, like you, even if they seem to have it all figured it out. Or that they want to be seen the way you do, even if they are going about it a different way. Or that they could use a kind word or gesture, even if they didn’t reach out and ask for it.

    In that split second, think to yourself “I get you, because you’re like me.”

    This thought, consciously chosen in that moment of connection, can powerfully change your perception of “who you are” in this world and ultimately transform your identity crisis to an identity awakening.