Kids are so creative, and thinking outside the box comes naturally to them. (They’d much rather use the box as a dollhouse than think inside it!)
In this joyful little video, SoulPancake asked kids at a Boys & Girls Club to draw a picture of what the holidays would look like if they were in charge—and then they brought their holiday dreams to life.
“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” ~Nina Simone
In my short life, I have left many jobs or situations. Some might call this “quitting.” Why has quitting gotten a bad rap?
Spiritual teachers and wise people often advise letting go of situations that are no longer right for you. It doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten this message. I don’t think quitting is such a bad word.
I quit my job just recently. And I feel great. Other things that I have chosen to leave: multiple jobs, a few relationships, and one PhD program (more on that later).
Most people equate quitting to giving up. They think, “Oh, you just don’t feel like working anymore. Oh, you didn’t try hard enough.” This sort of thinking is what convinces people to stay in situations that are not serving them, not allowing them to be their best, or worse, hurting them (physically, emotionally, or spiritually).
The job that I recently decided to leave was having a damaging effect on my life. Even people who love me (bless their hearts) have told me to stay in my job.
It’s easy to let outside sources sway your decisions. Friends and family mean well, but they are not the ones living your life. You need to do what’s right for you. As I see it, it’s a strong decision to take a step that supports your health and well-being.
That’s not to say there won’t be consequences. I still need to pay my rent, buy food, and provide for my companion animals. It’s all possible with a bit of planning.
I accepted that my current situation was hurting my health. And so I quit. These are the reasons I am proud to be a “quitter”:
Yes, this is a legitimate reason. You are allowed to enjoy your life! Actually, I would encourage it.
If you’re not enjoying your life (the everyday, mundane parts), then something needs to change. You don’t always need an explanation. Following your heart is totally okay—you deserve it.
Life is constant change, and we are always growing (whether we admit it or not). I try to be intentional about this. Am I growing in the direction I want to?
This was a big reason I left a PhD program that I was enrolled in. The academic, competitive environment wasn’t teaching me how to be a version of myself that I wanted to be. I left so that I could continue growing on my path to being a kind, generous person who lives according to my values.
I think perseverance is a trait that we tend to over-value. Sticking it out is great—if you still believe in the goal and enjoy the work.
It’s expected that you won’t enjoy every minute; it’s called hard work for a reason. But sticking it out just for the sake of it? Not something I believe in.
If you’re no longer engaged in your work, it’s time for a change. You are not a failure. Plans change and that’s okay.
When you stand up for what you believe in and make bold life choices, it increases your self-confidence. You learn to trust your own judgment and your ability to deal with difficult situations.
You don’t always need to follow the crowd. As you learn to make decisions for yourself, you will become more and more confident in yourself. And after all, your life is for you.
Ah, the possibilities. I have been dreaming of starting my own businesses, working for myself, and living a more creative lifestyle for years. What was I waiting for?
It’s easy to make excuses when you have a day job. I told myself that I didn’t have time to work on my “passion projects.” I decided to make my whole life a passion project and in order to do that, I needed to create space by clearing out what’s not working. Goodbye, cubicle!
When you say “no” to something that’s not right for you, you are allowing yourself to say “yes” to the things that are.
—
I am proud of the times in my life that I have showed perseverance and gotten through something tough. But I think I am more proud of the times I have taken a leap.
I quit because I wanted better for myself, because I know I deserve it, and because I wanted to. I’m not advocating that everyone go out and quit their jobs today. But it’s important to keep assessing your life and see if you want to continue choosing what you chose in the past.
It’s okay to quit some things, or a lot of things, if you’re like me. You deserve your dream life. Now go get it.
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron
You wake up in the morning, it is sunny outside, and you are grateful for this brand new day. You are enthusiastic to get it started. You take a deep breath and go outside; then you see some gum in your street.
Will you pick it up and stick it to your T-shirt, or maybe even have a little taste of it? Of course not!
Please excuse the gross opening, but bear with me for a second.
So many of us have done something just like that, energetically, myself included.
I still remember an afternoon about three years ago. After work, I was on a high after watching a self-development video on the importance of going after our dreams, and in order to do so, we must conquer our fears first.
So there I was, sitting on a bench by the River Thames, following the instruction, writing about my fears about becoming an intuitive guide.
The first one popped up immediately: uncertainty!
“Alright, let me see how I can conquer it!” I devoted myself to doing the inner-work over the next three weeks.
Except, there was no progress, no breakthrough, nor much “conquering” going on. When I thought about leaving the corporate world behind and creating a business based on my true expression, I was still paralyzed.
I was disappointed. It felt like that I was running around in circles and getting nowhere.
Fortunately, my intuition visited me in my dream on one of those frustrating late nights.
In my dream, I saw so many people shouting at me: “How are you going to deal with uncertainty? Isn’t it too risky? What if you are going to lose everything that you’ve built for years?”
The images and voices were from my concerned family members, from my curious colleagues, from my cautious (perhaps overly) friends.
But none of them actually were mine!
Here is the thing: I only see uncertainty as opportunity and wonder. This was not what I was afraid of.
I woke up with such a refreshing mindset the next morning. “I cannot deal with fear that doesn’t belong to me. No matter how much I look at it, look around it, look beneath it, it was not my fear.”
Carl Jung said, “When the diagnosis is right, the healing begins.” But I got the wrong diagnosis, no wonder why I could not move forward.
I am classified as a “highly sensitive.”
On one hand, I relied on my intuitive side to see the beauty and gifts in people; on the other hand, the shadow side was that I also felt their fears and pains, so vividly at times that I thought they were my own.
I was carrying on other people’s expectations and opinions, and allowed them to blind me so that I wasn’t able to see what was really going on.
And I am not the only one. As social beings, we are all influenced by our immediate environment to various degrees.
Do you know how much fear and anxiety you might have absorbed from others and now keep in your psyche on a daily basis?
You might not even be aware of it but end up internalizing it over time.
Day after day and year after year, gradually you came to believe that they were your own fears.
Just like you cannot take responsibility for someone else’s actions, you cannot do much about those imposed fears other than lovingly release them.
But firstly, how do you know if you take on others’ fears and emotions easily and unconsciously? Here are a few signs:
Chances are you’ve absorbed the other person’s anxiety about you saying no. Your decision is dictated by how others feel, not your own well-being.
But once you look into the situation, you realize that you don’t have the resources to deliver your promise. You become resentful toward your good intention earlier.
It doesn’t always take a full-on party with hundreds of people; at times you are exhausted by just browsing your social media feeds for thirty minutes.
You are happy when your feeds are full of joyful updates, but miserable when your feeds are full of misery. You unconsciously take on what your virtual circles experience, without a healthy filter to protect your own energy.
You don’t really know why; only later on you’ve learned that something unpleasant happened in your environment such as a redundancy or burglary nearby.
Or like myself earlier, you want to move forward, and you have been doing everything that you were told to do, but things just don’t work.
By the way, it is not your fault if you said yes to any of the above.
The truth is, we cannot live freely unless we actively release fears and emotions that do not belong to us.
So how can you release those imposed fears or even prevent them in the first place?
Before you rush to browse your inbox or social media profile every morning, meditate for a few minutes and check in with yourself. “How do I feel? What do I want today?”
This way, you will set a clear intention that serves your spirit instead of being dragged away by some unimportant noises even before your day gets started.
Always finish your day with good vibes.
Take some exercises in the evening to shake off the anxiety, pains, fears, or any other forms of “psychic rubbish” that have been dumped on you, followed by a relaxing bath.
When you take care of your body and treat yourself gently, it’s like boosting your psyche to be more immune from negativity.
This method has worked exceptionally well for a hospital nurse friend, helping her recover from long-term work-related depression.
Sleep only with your own energy every night; otherwise, it’s hard to discover your most authentic self over the years.
Sit quietly with it, without any judgment, and ask it, “Are you mine? If not, whom do you belong to? Where are you coming from?”
Then wait for the answer. If in doubt, trust what your intuition tells you.
Once you identify the source, with your mind’s eye, send the fear back to the light and imagine yourself breathing in your own light and breathing out others’ fears.
You can repeat this process until you there are no imposed fears that need to be released for the time being.
Once you’ve released those absorbed fears, it’ll be like a spring clean on your energetic body, and you’ll better connect with your truest self.
Now you are ready to see the deeper truth and live more freely.
Once you peel off the “fear onion” layer by layer, the “real deal” will start to reveal itself.
By “real deal,” I mean your truth.
Have an intimate conversation with it.
You can start it like this: “Dear Truth, what would you like me to know at this point of life?”
The answer might surprise you, or you might feel uncomfortable to acknowledge it at first.
But it will reveal something that you can take responsibility for so that you can shift your reality, no matter where you are in life.
Don’t be alarmed or run away.
No matter what your answer is, it will push you closer to your purpose.
Back to my story earlier, beneath everyone else’s voice of “insecurity,” which I didn’t resonate with, what I was really suppressing was the sadness of letting my old self go.
I had worked so hard to build a brand new life in a foreign country on my own, but I didn’t even acknowledge my effort, sacrifice, or growth.
My old self was asking for love and witness, which had been absent for over a decade.
That was it!
I put aside the embarrassment of feeling my raw emotions for a change, and immersed myself into days of journaling, healing, (a lot) of crying, and (even more) praying.
It was fantastically liberating and nourishing, and way more effective than affirming: “I must conquer uncertainty” a thousand times.
As for the end of that story, I left the corporate world and launched my dream business in record time: one month.
After releasing those imposed fears by others, I saw my organic truth, and honoring it set me free.
When you feel the fear but really cannot do it, stop trying to “conquer” it, play with it!
It will play back and reveal the hidden truth that you need to know.
And this is how you can take leaps and bounds with grace.
Jumping girl image via Shutterstock
“The greatest gift you can give yourself is a little bit of your own attention.” ~Anthony J. D’Angelo
The other day, when I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, someone asked about the best gift I’d ever received.
What came to mind was getting my parents’ hand-me-down Corolla when I was sixteen. It was my first taste of being all ‘grown-up.’ I felt like my parents trusted me enough to give me the keys to go out on my own. It gave me a sense of pride and freedom.
Aside from that, nothing else that was tangible came to mind. What stood out were the memories and the moments I shared with the people who celebrated my birthday with me. And the most memorable ones involved traveling or living in a foreign country.
So this got me thinking—the best gifts you can give yourself are things that are priceless. They are a collection of moments and experiences that add depth and value to your life.
Aside from a lifetime of adventures, here is a list of invaluable gifts you deserve to give yourself.
In Dr. Meg Jay’s TED talk, she offers twenty-somethings a piece of advice—to invest in “identity capital,” something that adds value to who you are and who you want to be.
I feel this point is applicable to people of all ages. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to learn more about yourself.
Give yourself the permission to explore and really get to know who you are. Discover what you like and don’t like. This will help you set your standards and boundaries, which are hopefully aligned with your values, so that you can create the life you want.
Along the way you might find that things change. And that’s okay. It’s natural. When it does, recognize this and be mindful in your daily actions as you adjust to the person you are becoming.
Everything is temporary; nothing lasts forever.
When you give yourself permission to befriend what is, instead of what you think it should be, you’ll realize that the best thing you can do is to focus on the present and count your blessings.
There’s no need to worry incessantly, for you can’t control the future, or what others think for that matter. Most of the time people are self-absorbed, going through their own things, not even aware of how their actions and reactions may have come across to you.
Worrying doesn’t accomplish anything; it only takes away today’s peace.
When you are in the moment, just do what you can do. Sometimes it may be nothing, and it’s okay.
Have faith that everything will work out for the best. After all, you have found a way to survive your ‘bad’ choices thus far. So going forward, why not trust yourself? You’ve got the proof that you are capable of more than you know.
We often put ourselves last on our to-do list.
But it’s important to take care of your well-being and to recharge your batteries first in order to be at your best to give to others.
Find ways to you nurture your body and nourish you mind. Take the rest you need to not burn yourself out. After all, you are the caretaker of your body and life. No one can do this for you.
When you allow yourself to have moments to unwind, de-stress, and reconnect with yourself, you will be more productive, have more energy, and feel happier, which will result in fostering better relationships while reducing your stress levels.
Give yourself the gift of following your dreams. Do what you love; do what is important for you.
In order for you to live a fulfilled and meaningful life, you have to live it yourself. So don’t wait until it’s too late. Find the courage and willpower to live a life true to yourself, and spend your time doing what counts for you.
I was once depressed and was lucky to find passion for life again.
Through reading self-help books, following sites like Tiny Buddha, getting into yoga, and asking for help, I realized I’d been living someone else’s life . No wonder I was in a slump and unhappy.
When I started to fall in love with life all over again, I was determined to start living on my own terms. And now I am giving myself a chance to do what it is I love, which is to help others whose lights have been dimmed to find purpose and passion again.
As Wayne Dyer famously said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” ~Unknown
We often have a hard time forgiving ourselves for our mistakes. Instead of beating ourselves up, we need to appreciate the lessons we’ve learned from our unwise choices.
Recognize that you did your best with what you understood back then. You are not defined by your past.
The fact that you are upset and holding yourself accountable shows that you care and that you have reflected and grown from the experience. So it’s time to stop berating yourself and judging your actions.
Forgive yourself like you would with a friend or a love one. When you forgive and let go of the guilt and shame, you give yourself the power to change your story.
Last but not least, be your own best friend! Give yourself the gift of being the kind of person you would most like to spend the time with.
When you catch yourself talking negatively, change it to a more positive and supportive voice. Be nice to yourself.
You deserve it.
Gift image via Shutterstock
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins
I highly value being loyal, honest, empathetic, and supportive. I am also partial to advocating for the underdog. As a result, I have historically attempted to be a ‘hero’ in situations of difficulty, tension, conflict, or stress.
I take pride in being the person who others can turn to for support, guidance, and empathy after an upsetting experience.
When a friend was going through a troublesome period, I literally dropped everything to race to her and give her a hand. I drove her everywhere when her car was destroyed in an accident. I sat with her in the car for hours each day and listened to her troubles in the driveway when dropping her home.
I often answered the phone late at night when this friend was having a crisis. I barely spent time with my husband as I tended to her needs, even when our marriage began to show cracks as a result.
I would fall prey to her criticism and insults when she was distressed and seemingly needed a ‘punching bag,’ or when I didn’t respond as quickly or as perfectly as she desired. I regularly defended her behavior and tried to cheer her up when she questioned her value as a friend, in an attempt to help her feel better.
I convinced myself that it was a stage that she was going through and that she needed my support—that despite the emotional manipulation and unreasonable expectations—a good friend would stick by her, no matter what. Besides, she was a beautiful person and a wonderful friend in many respects.
When another friend wanted to provide a quote on a personal project, despite my intuition warning me against mixing friendship with business, I proceeded out of concern that I’d offend him if I did otherwise.
When he made a number of errors and contradictions, was significantly late with his submission, and quoted a much higher figure than initially indicated, I continued to reinterpret his behavior and make excuses for him.
Even upon first hearing that he had then proceeded to lie about conversations and events to others, my initial reaction was to defend him and make excuses for how he might have been misled by other influences (when this was very unlikely to be the case).
When a single friend who liked to frequently sleep with different women who he met at a bar each weekend suddenly got upset by the fact that he hadn’t met his soul mate, I’d regularly open the door to him at three in the morning if he wanted to have a drunk DMC about his life and situation.
When a man came at my friends and I with a baseball bat in a Melbourne train station, I tried to reason with him and determine why he was so worked up and how I could help deflate that— before my friends dragged me away to safety in disbelief.
I could provide many more examples of where I have put the needs of others before my own, to the point where I have been hurt or experienced significant difficulty. I bet that if you’re still reading this article, that you can do the same.
I thought I was being a loyal, giving, and kind person who continuously chose to see the good in people. I took pride in this, and identified with it being a core part of who I was. But then I started to notice a painful pattern.
My own health, happiness, needs, and desires were continuously neglected. I was so busy helping others that prioritizing my own needs wasn’t possible.
I implicitly told people that I didn’t have boundaries, so it was understandably a shock to the system when I tried to put them in place at a later date.
I also demonstrated that I held an impossible expectation for myself to be perfect in a relationship, and people started to hold me to that level of perfection and expect it from me 100% of the time (even when they did not hold their own behavior to anywhere near the same level or quality that they expected from me).
And what hurt most of all is that I started to notice that people often didn’t do the same for me. They didn’t risk putting their neck out on the chopping board and they certainly didn’t hang around to fight for our relationship when even the slightest bit of difficulty appeared. When I started to better manage my own energy and space, they would ‘dump’ me in a flash.
I suddenly realized that I needed to change.
I needed to respect and value myself and my needs more. I needed to make me a priority. I needed to stop being a martyr. I needed to introduce and maintain boundaries.
I needed to find a way to balance being big-hearted, loyal, and generous with taking care of myself and protecting my own energy and interests.
It was a difficult period—a period of adjustments and lessons, that are still continuing to a lesser degree. But at the end of the day, my increased emphasis on taking care of myself was not only good for me, but also for the people that truly loved and valued me.
But how could it be a good thing, you might ask? You lost friends, you suffered, you learned that many people you loved wouldn’t be there to back you up when you needed them. How is that a good thing?
Please, let me explain. When I ‘lost’ or better managed those who drained energy from me and disregarded perfectly reasonable personal boundaries it:
The above are only examples, of which I am sure there are many more, of the benefits I have experienced from setting boundaries and learning to prioritize myself and my own needs.
Now this might sound great in theory, but I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to start setting boundaries and to prioritize your own needs, desires, and dreams. Some suggestions to help you get started include:
Do you enjoy their company? Do they make you feel supported and uplifted? Do they bring you joy? Or do they deflate you? Make you feel bad about yourself and your character? Suck the energy from you? Perhaps it is time to consider how you manage your time with these people in the future.
Do you have a self-care and me-time practice? Do you make time for activities that you enjoy? Do you feel satisfied with your work, home life, health, or other areas that you value? Commit to making a conscious effort to start prioritizing these areas more in your life.
What can you organize or change in your schedule to make this happen? Where can you find efficiencies or introduce systems that will make time for you? Where could you ask for help or delegate work or tasks to free up time? What items can you cull from your to-do list in order to drop some balls and pick up the self-care ball?
Putting a stop to the automatic “yes machine” and learning to say no are vital steps for setting boundaries and learning to place more value on yourself, your time, and your desires.
Learning to say no can take practice. I suggest that you start with a ‘buying time’ script, where instead of responding with a clear “yes” or “no” straight away, you tell people that you are busy and that you’ll check and get back to them. This buys you time to formulate a more considered response in line with your own needs and desires.
At the end of the day, please remember that you matter. Your life matters. Your needs and desires matter. And when you take care of yourself, you are in a much better position to be of service to others and the world.
In finishing, I’d love to leave you with a quote from Dodinsky that sums up one of the main points of this article: “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”
Woman at the beach image via Shutterstock
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
There was a time when I “had it all.”
I was in my tenth year of teaching in a small, rural school. I lived with my husband and daughter in a four-bedroom house in a subdivision in the woods. Life was routine, predictable, and secure. We made plans to fix up the house and figured that I would likely work in my job until retirement.
However, two things got in the way of those plans.
First, I felt this constant unrest. My job became progressively more stressful, and I resented the time commitment that seemed to be unappreciated.
I came home to a house that needed constant attention. Cleaning and yard work brought me no more joy than spending hours completing paperwork in my classroom. I began to procrastinate in both areas, which only increased the amount of stress.
And then we began sailing. The day we launched our twenty-nine-foot sailboat on Lake Huron, everything changed. We loved the small space. We loved the tight-knit marina community. We loved the traveling.
We loved it so much that we lived aboard and cruised for ninety-three days in the summer of 2012. At the end of the summer, I physically returned to my job, but mentally I was miles away, still sailing the seas.
And that is when we decided to move. My tenth year of teaching in the rural school was my last year living up north. My last year living in a house.
We packed everything we could fit into our Volvo station wagon and drove south. We drove 1300 miles to Houston, where we started a new life. In August 2014, we traded our apartment for a thirty-five-foot sailboat, aptly named Breaking Tradition.
We have broken away from the script everyone thinks they should follow if they want to be “successful.” We do not own property. We take our showers in the bath house, and we did not own an oven for our first year living aboard. My husband and I started out sleeping together on a twin mattress.
And yet, we have never been happier. Instead of doing housework or yard work, we walk the docks. Rather than spending the entire day inside a house, we sit on the back deck and talk to our neighbors. Everyone keeps cookies in their boat, in case my daughter comes over.
Your dream may not be to leave it all behind and live on a sailboat. There is nothing “wrong” with enjoying the creature comforts that a house provides. However, is it possible that the conventions we take for granted as being “the way things are done,” are holding you back? Is there something that you only do because you are “supposed to?”
Here are some lessons I have learned, from living a life apart from the script:
The greatest lesson I have learned in our journey is to question everything that we think we need to do in order to be successful.
“Success” is an arbitrary term, with no meaning on its own. What is the point in being “successful” if it is at the expense of your own happiness? Spending less time working and worrying about material gain can free up your energy for things that really matter to you.
I have met so many people who live mediocre lives, because they think that their situation is “secure.” And yet this is an illusion. Anyone can lose a job at any time, and limiting your experience in order to try and avoid this does not make any sense.
Trust in your own ability to problem-solve, rather than allowing fear to prevent you from taking risks.
Do you love maintaining a yard? Does home ownership matter to you? How important is that large paycheck? Ask yourself what you value rather than just doing things because you are supposed to.
This is your life, and there is nothing that you must do. Everything is a choice, even when you think it is not.
I loved my teaching job up north when I first started. And that made it more difficult to leave. So many of us look at our current situation as being permanent, when the only thing that is guaranteed in life is change.
I left the house, and I may not live on the boat forever. Move with the flow of life rather than resisting it. Be ready to move on when it is time.
When you do something different, it is likely that you will face criticism. But understand that other people’s words mean nothing about you.
When someone criticizes or judges your choices, they are only showing their own misunderstanding. It is an insecure person who judges another person’s choices.
Just like “success,” “failure” is also an arbitrary term that has no meaning. Trial and error is how we inherently learn, so making mistakes will be inevitable.
When we attach the loaded word, “failure” to our mistakes, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to learn from the experience. Things might not always go as planned, and you may change your course as you go. This is all a part of the process and nothing to worry about.
In our journey, we experienced a great deal of trial and error. I interviewed for jobs that did not result in offers. I made plenty of mistakes in starting my business. We have had repairs to the boat that didn’t go as planned. Last winter, then leaky windows caused our cabin to be filled with mold!
And still, each of these mistakes led to greater learning. In the end, we are living a life that we had only dreamed of in the past, and spending our time with friends who share our passion. I can think of no better way to live.
Girl skipping at the surf image via Shutterstock
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
It’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s their loss. Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean anything.
Well-intentioned people have told me these things many times to soften the blow of rejection. And I wanted so badly to believe them, but how could I?
When someone doesn’t want you, it’s hard not to take it personally. They don’t want you. It must mean something about you, right?
When five college theater programs rejected me, when guy after guy ditched me, when countless potential friends avoided me, I thought for sure it meant I wasn’t talented or lovable.
I beat myself up, put myself down, and wished I could be someone better, someone people wouldn’t so quickly write off.
I tried to reframe it, to consider that it really had nothing to do with me. I knew this thought was supposed to comfort me, but something told me this wasn’t right—and it wasn’t my low self-esteem.
Eventually, I was able to look beyond the simplicity of black-and-white thinking and recognize a beautiful grey area.
That grey area was the key to bouncing back from rejection. It was the key to learning about myself. And it was the key to changing how I showed up in the world, and how I experienced it.
In the grey area, rejection sometimes is about us, but not about our worth.
In high school, I had tremendous potential as an actress and singer. I got cast in lead roles plenty of times, received abundant praise for both my dramatic chops and my comedic timing, and represented my school choir at a national competition.
I had talent; I know this now. Still, with the benefit of hindsight, I also know that my college rejections did mean something about me.
I didn’t take care of myself back then. My throat was constantly hoarse due to aggressive bulimia. And I was terrified of judgment, which made it difficult to be present and throw myself into my monologues.
But none of those things meant I was untalented or unworthy. They meant I needed to be kinder to myself, to strengthen my confidence, and to grow as a person and performer.
As a teen and in my early twenties, I had a lot to give in relationships. I was compassionate, good-hearted, and loyal to those I cared about.
I was lovable; I know this now. Still, with the benefit of hindsight, I also know that my inability to sustain relationships and friendships did mean something about me.
I frequently looked to others to fill gaps in my self-esteem. I obsessed about myself while blinding myself to their needs. And I was clingy, insecure, and unwilling to heal the pain that caused me to focus all my attention on winning their approval.
But none of these things meant I was unworthy of love. They meant I’d experienced tremendous pain and I needed to heal and learn to love myself before I could truly love or be loved by others.
Some rejections really weren’t about me—like when a casting director was looking for someone older.
Most times, there was a lesson for me in the rejection, some area where I could learn and improve. But the lesson never had to do with my worth as a person—only about my potential for growth.
This isn’t a mindset I adopted quickly or easily.
For years, I hated myself when I failed or it seemed people didn’t want me. Even the tiniest rejections would push me down to a dark, dirty place of “There’s something wrong with me.”
And it was awfully tempting to stay there. In a way, it felt safe. It was a place where I could hang out without getting shut out.
In accepting my inadequacy, I was free to shut down and avoid future rejections. What was the point of trying when I knew I was the problem, and there was nothing I could do about it?
If I plain and simply wasn’t good enough—if I was intrinsically unworthy of all the things I wanted—then I could stop putting myself in a position to have this disheartening truth confirmed.
Or, perhaps even more depressing, I could lower the bar on what I wanted so that it aligned with what I believed I deserved. I could seek out jobs that dissatisfied me, men who looked down on me, and friends who devalued me.
Because that’s what happens when you conclude that you’re unworthy and undeserving—you find people and situations that confirm it.
Like I did in my mid-twenties, when I casually dated a man who said I was lucky he spent time with me because I wasn’t really a great catch (while torturing myself by living in NYC but not auditioning because I thought I wasn’t good enough).
I know now that I am good enough. I deserve so much more than I once settled for, despite all the rejections I received. And I have a light I can share with the world, if I choose to kindle it instead of stifling it.
In a way, I’m grateful for those rejections. They enabled me to identify areas for growth, to develop confidence while making progress in those areas, and to tame the cruel, critical voice inside that hurts far more than anyone else’s rejection.
We all have a voice like this, and it has a knack for getting louder right when we need compassion the most.
When we’ve failed to achieve something we wanted, it likes to obsess over all the reasons we probably shouldn’t have put ourselves out there.
Really, it’s trying to keep us safe by discouraging us from putting ourselves in a position to be hurt again. Just like our friends are trying to protect us from pain by telling us it really isn’t about us.
But safe isn’t a place where we learn or grow. It’s not the key to feeling alive, engaged, challenged, or proud of the way we’re showing up in the world.
To feel those things we have to first tell ourselves we’re worthy of those feelings—no matter how much room we have for growth.
We have to tell ourselves that we can achieve more than we think, but we are so much more than what we achieve.
We have to live in that grey area where failures and rejections provide information, but not confirmation that we’re not good enough.
I’m not always open to that information. On days when I’m feeling down on myself, it’s tempting to interpret “no” as “no, you don’t matter.”
Even those days are opportunities, because I get to practice telling myself, “Yes, you do. Now prove it. Keep learning. Keep growing. And keep showing up, because you have so much more to give.”
“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” ~Rumi
My early life was challenging, to say the least. I grew up in a difficult home situation, which I hoped to escape through an early marriage. That marriage produced four beautiful children by the time I was twenty-one years old.
We were very poor and I hoped to get us out of poverty, but I wasn’t sure it was possible.
I’d been poor all my life. I didn’t really know what it was like to have abundance. I thought success was for “other people.” My only education was a GED and I couldn’t earn enough money to pay for childcare, much less improve our situation.
It seemed to be hopeless, but I looked at my kids and decided that I had to try.
It was my ambition to earn a bachelor’s degree, which I eventually did through grants, scholarships, and a lot of hard work.
It took me five years to get through college. I finally graduated at the age of twenty-nine. After that, I always had a job and was able to take care of my family. Poverty was a distant memory.
What does this mean for you?
You can do a lot more than you think. You may never be twenty-one years old again, but you can have the essence of what it is that you really want. If you have a dream, it’s because there’s a part of you that’s whispering “yes” into your ear. Listen to it.
Please don’t listen to the nay-sayers. There were so many people who never thought I’d make it. They told me to go on welfare, to tolerate abuse for myself and my children, to give up.
If I’d listened to them, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I did what needed to be done in order to achieve my dream, and so can you.
Yes, it will be hard. There were many nights that I sat up crying in bed. There were the two weeks that I went hungry so that my children could eat while I waited for the food stamp application to be approved.
When I enrolled in a junior college, I had a major meltdown on the very first day. I thought I’d lost my mind by signing up for all those classes. Who was I, trying to go to college in my mid-twenties with four children? I did it though.
If you set a big goal for yourself, it’s okay if it’s hard. It’s not fun, but it’s okay. Anything you really want that you haven’t done yet is going to be hard. Expect it to be hard.
If you’ve wanted something for this long, there’s a reason. Don’t betray yourself by not going for it. It will be hard. Do it anyway.
It’s not too late to have what you want in life. Would it have been great to have everything you wanted by the time you were twenty-five? Sure, but most of us don’t. We all have struggles and challenges. We all know someone we think had it easier.
In our culture, we’re bombarded with images of people living the dream. We feel like we are missing out if we don’t have it all.
It’s helpful to remember that gorgeous twenty-somethings with money, fulfilling relationships, and successful careers are simply not the norm. We’re all human and we all have our struggles. Life is not a commercial.
You’ll be much happier if you get over the myth that life should always be fun and easy. Start creating the life you want to have today. It’s only too late if you believe that it is. Thinking that it’s too late is an insidious myth in our youth-obsessed culture. Don’t fall for it.
You can still earn your degree, find the relationship you want, get in shape, whatever it is that you want to have. Start now. In five years, you will be five years older whether or not you did anything with your life.
The difference between those who achieve what they want in life and those who don’t is determination and tenacity, not luck, looks, or youth. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had in life, but the truth is, I’ve made the most of them and they only showed up when I did.
Show up for yourself and the opportunities will appear. Maybe they won’t appear immediately, but if you stick with it, they will show up.
The universe is an abundant place and there’s always a chance for us. Set your course today for the life you want to have and remember that you can do more than you think. The way will find you when you step up, believe in your own dream, and work toward it.
Once you achieve your big dream, remember to pay it forward and encourage someone else who needs a reminder of what’s possible.
Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock
“If a person gets his attitude towards money straight, then it will help strengthen out almost every other area in his life.” ~Billy Graham
To pursue financial security or your dream …
You’re in conflict, right?
I know because I’ve been there myself.
People often tell us that money isn’t everything, so we assume we can sacrifice money to pursue our dreams. Somehow it will work out. At least that’s what I thought.
What do you think about money? Is it everything or not?
I quit my job when I got married. My husband was a pastor in a small rural community in Vermont, and my dream was to help those in need and work with him in the mission field.
I helped serve in the community soup kitchen that ministered to those afflicted by addiction. Sometimes I worked in the food bank, and instead of getting paid in cash, they donated canned meat to the organization we were affiliated with.
It was work that fulfilled my soul but not my wallet.
Though I’ve been broke before and came out on top, I was suspicious we wouldn’t survive on one salary as a family.
My husband reassured me money wasn’t everything and we’d be okay.
Our budget was tight. We lived a simple life. We ate donated food, most of which was boxed and canned.
I longed for homemade food with fresh produce, but we couldn’t afford it. Instead, we tweaked the boxed and canned food as best as we could to make it taste better. I learned that if I added a different spice to the same meal each time I cooked, it tasted better.
We also learned to make our own 1% milk. We bought 2% milk, divided it into halves and filled each half with water. We didn’t care about the nutritional value as much as how far the milk would stretch.
We were surviving, but when you’re as broke as we were, one small thing can turn your world upside down.
We didn’t have health insurance, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I was healthy. Or so I thought.
I had a cavity that had never been a problem for years until it woke me up in the middle of the night and made me scream in pain. Talk of the world turning upside down. We couldn’t afford a dentist. And the pennies in the jar weren’t enough to afford the smallest container of Tylenol.
That is when I knew something had to change.
Living in rural areas has its downside regarding jobs. At least I didn’t get one.
A friend of mine knew how good I was with children and asked if I could watch her kids after school until she got home. I took her up on the offer.
This offer was a win because I still helped with the mission work in the morning, and I got paid for nanny work in the evenings. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
But, here is what I learned from the painful reality of becoming broke in the pursuit of dreams, and how to survive:
I should have kept my job. Deep down I knew we wouldn’t survive on one salary, but I went ahead and quit. At least we should have first identified how much money we truly needed as a family before I quit.
Do you have a constant battle in your mind, one side telling you to quit and the other telling you to suck it up? Follow your instinct, but remember that if you chose to quit without a savings account, the bills will still roll in.
If your gut is telling you that quitting feels risky, be creative and find a way to pursue your dream while still maintaining your financial stability.
Sometimes we assume our BFFs knows what we’re going through, so we expect them to help. But in reality, they have no clue about how much we’re hurting.
Confide in your trusted friends about what you’re going through — you’ll be surprised by the help you’ll receive.
We sure wouldn’t have survived without friends. I called a friend when the toothache invaded and explained to her our money situation. She bought the largest container of Tylenol and paid the dentist fee.
There is no shame in asking friends for help when we really need it. But don’t be a mooch. One day you can return the favor or pay it forward.
We all have something unique within. We learned through experience, formal and informal education, or job experience. Yet we don’t utilize that talent.
What are you really good at? What comes naturally to you? How can you use that skill to help you survive when you’re in a financial bind?
When my friend suggested I watch her children after school, I took up the offer and loved it. The kids loved sewing and knitting. I used my teaching experience to implement the activities.
Are you in a tough spot and feel like you have no way out? We’ve all been there.
But don’t settle. Know that you deserve more. Settling can block your mind from seeing when new opportunities arise.
I told everyone I came across how poor we were and that I was okay with it because we were doing good work. But deep down inside, I wasn’t okay.
I longed for things I couldn’t afford, like a nice, warm winter coat. But the most unbearable parts were the things I couldn’t provide for my son.
For example, he didn’t even bother to tell us about the cookie exchange at school because he knew we couldn’t afford to contribute. He told his teacher his parents were always broke, so the teacher had other kids donate cookies to him.
It’s okay to experience being broke, but believe that you will find a way to change your situation. The more you believe, the more open you’ll be to potential opportunities.
Does your dream seem difficult to achieve? Is money holding you back? What can you do to bring you closer to it?
Be patient and consistence with yourself. Slowly and steadily work toward it.
You don’t have to achieve it overnight. Look at how long runners take to practice before they can win.
I slowly and steadily continued to pursue my dream while taking care of my financial responsibilities.
Trust me; you can pursue your dream slowly and still take care of yourself financially.
An emergency fund will save you on a rainy day.
Start saving whatever you’re able to, no matter how little. Lets say you tuck away $10 weekly that adds up to $520 a year.
That right there will make you giddy on a rainy day.
If we had money saved my toothache wouldn’t have turned our world upside down. If you don’t have a financial cushion, wait to pursue your dreams until you do.
Take action and follow your dreams while protecting yourself financially.
Because you don’t want to look back and regret that you followed your dream and had no money to spend.
But don’t let opportunities beneficial to your dreams pass by.
Believe in yourself, and call your own shots regarding your dream and money.
Slowly and steadily start working toward your dream.
What steps are you taking today to survive your financial struggles and pursue your dream?
Man and dollar symbol image via Shutterstock
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.” ~John Lennon
When it comes to facing fear and moving past it in order to see my dreams realized, I was always advised to power through it. Do the thing that scares you, no matter how much it makes your heart pound. Take that step that makes your stomach knot up in tight balls. Do it and power through, or else miss out on life.
For a long time, I felt these were my only two options. I could either have moments of crippling fear as I chased what I wanted, or I could feel like life was passing me by as I let my passions die.
One of my passions is writing screenplays, and so I continually did what I thought I should do in order to become a successful screenwriter. I called people who gave me anxiety. I put my work out to places I felt I wasn’t ready for. With each step I took, I hoped and prayed I would get more comfortable.
I couldn’t live with the constant fear I was feeling, and yet no amount of powering through was making it go away. It was, in fact, growing, because it felt like I had no control over it. The fear was getting larger than my dreams, and I became exhausted and eventually burned out.
I had no choice then but to take time to pause and reflect. When I did, I could see the counter-productive patterns I was engaging in.
I was forcing myself to do things that brought me angst rather than joy. The advice to power through had turned me into a bully toward myself.
Because I wasn’t doing the kind of behavior I normally associate with being self-destructive, such as constantly criticizing myself, I didn’t see my actions as being hurtful. In fact, I saw them as honoring my journey because I was chasing my biggest goals.
However, when the dust settled and I stepped back, it was very clear that by powering forward, I had left behind a crucial thing: self-love. I wasn’t listening to myself.
Because our inner world is always mirrored back to us, I always had the frustrating feeling that people weren’t listening to me.
Instead of hearing my great ideas, they would hear the shake in my voice. They would hear me rambling on because I was too nervous to be clear and concise, and they would tune out, ending the call as I would slump down in my chair, knowing I’d blown it.
Compounding this is the fact that I also wasn’t treating myself as an important person. I wasn’t honoring that the fear and anxiety was taking a toll.
This too was mirrored back in the fact that people forgot me as soon as we connected. I never got any follow-up calls after my initial pitches, which only fed into my fears more. The momentum I had going was certainly powering me onward, but in the opposite direction of what I wanted.
Once I could see the patterns, the solution was obvious. The old adage “what you resist persists” repeated in my mind.
I had to first of all accept that I was living from a place of fear. I allowed myself to acknowledge that I didn’t like being afraid all the time. This swept through me in a wave of relief, and I felt free to choose what I wanted rather than what I felt I was supposed to do.
I began cultivating and prioritizing self-love. The more I slowed down, took time to ask myself if I was okay, and returned to my meditation practice, the easier things got. What began to reflect back to me were my new feelings—that I’m important and what I do is important.
As I went through this process, I was able to stop fearing fear itself. This too helped me to reverse my momentum even further, because I was open to receiving new information. I learned how fear begins in my brain and body. Once I understood how it worked, it wasn’t this huge, abstract, and uncontrollable thing.
Fear begins in a place in the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala processes a situation and decides if it’s safe or if you need to get scared and run away. If it decides something’s not safe hormones are released in order to get your body moving and prepare you for fight or flight.
Attached to the amygdala is the hippocampus, which is where your memories are stored. These two things work together. The amygdala looks at old memories as a way of assessing a current situation. This process is meant to be helpful, but when we’re not aware of it, it can run amok and become hurtful.
As an example from my own life, one bad phone call with a potential agent had been stored in my memories. From that point onward, when I went to call someone with a pitch, my amygdala would access that memory and immediately label all related phone calls as bad, which steamrolled as I would get more anxious, have more bad phone calls, and dread any interaction.
This was my brain trying to protect me by ensuring I wouldn’t engage in something that might cause me harm or emotional pain.
Understanding this about my body and how I process things gave me a huge amount of power back.
It was reassuring first of all to know I wasn’t trying to subconsciously sabotage myself, but to instead keep myself safe. It was also reassuring to know where this started, because once I was aware of the root of it, I could begin untangling myself from it.
The more I began to see fear as something I could manage, the more I felt I could work with the fear rather than trying to power through it. It was then that I began to feel that thing I’d yearned for but felt was impossible to reach—excitement. I remembered why I’d started writing in the first place.
I felt excitement to share my stories and see them made into films. I felt excitement about contacting people who were passionate about film also. I remembered how good it was to feel excited about talking to people rather than fearful.
From this new, more self-love-based place, I started contacting people again. I listened to my inner voice, and if something made me feel fear, I would stop. I would tune in, breathe, and ask myself if I was attaching old, unrelated memories, or if it really was my intuition trying to tell me something was amiss.
I’m happy to say people are requesting my scripts again, and I’m now enjoying pursuing my passions more than ever. I wake up excited rather than with dread. I take steps and go for things, as I did before, but without feeling like I’m stretching a rubber band that’s about to snap.
If you’re also paralyzing yourself with fear, see what happens when you put self-love first. When you believe that you’re worth listening to, and show up confident, without an energy of desperation, people will be far more interested in what you have to say.
And when you feel your fear creeping back in, instead of ignoring it and pushing through it, step back, breathe, and remember that your own mind and body have created it to help you.
When you realize it’s not some big, monstrous force that shows up without your consent—that you’ve created it to keep yourself safe—you can learn to let it go.
Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown
I know you.
You’re smart. You’re driven. You’re a “good girl/boy.” You found out a long time ago that life goes more smoothly for people who follow the rules, so you learned the rulebook inside out.
People expected things from you, and you made it your job to live up to those expectations—and probably beat yourself up inside when you fell short.
But now you’re stuck, the way anyone who has spent their life making other people happier than they make themselves gets stuck.
You wish you could go back to school to study what you really love doing, or maybe you want to start your own business, or buy a camper and drive cross-country, or move to a big city. Or quit your high-stress, high-paying job and instead do simpler work for less money that makes you look forward to getting out of bed every day.
And every once in a while, when you’re not busy getting your to-do list checked off or giving your time to the people in your life who always seem to need you—when things get real quiet—you feel absolutely desperate.
You hear the clock ticking, and it’s the ticking off of the moments of a life that’s passing you by.
You see a whole string of days ahead of you. Out of bed. Off to work. Watch the clock. Count the hours ‘til the weekend. Rejoice on Friday evening. Lament on Sunday night. Repeat.
Nothing new. Nothing real. Nothing joyful.
You know, somewhere inside you, that there has to be more than this.
I know you. I am you.
I realized not long ago that I’ve spent my entire life waiting for permission. Because I’m a good girl, you see. In my twenties I felt the burning desire in my heart for something more than a go-nowhere nine-to-five office job and the bar on the weekends.
I wanted a career as a singer. Travel. Excitement. Adventure. Heart-stopping moments of bliss.
And I wanted somebody—anybody—to tell me that it was okay, that I should go ahead with it. I don’t mean Oprah or some random person speaking to the masses. I wanted somebody who knew me to give me the green light.
Guess what? It never happened, and it never will. Why? Because nobody can give us permission but ourselves.
Nobody outside ourselves knows what’s going on in our hearts, no matter how we try to explain.
Have you ever found this to be true? You can try and try, but there’s a nuance, a depth of desire, that’s impossible to describe. It has to be felt, and nobody else can feel it but the person whose heart is burning.
So we wait. We wait for permission. Many of us die waiting for it.
I don’t want to die waiting for it. Do you?
It’s time for us to come out of our shells and admit that we want more. Let’s be honest with each other and ourselves about what we want out of life. Let’s truly support each other and push each other and not take any excuses.
And let’s stop taking guff from the rest of the world—the ones who are still too afraid to leave the status quo behind. If that’s really what they want, let’s bless them and then move the heck on, because life is too short to be wasted on wondering what somebody else thinks of us.
We simply have to be the heroes of our own lives. I’m willing to dust off my cape and step into that role.
Are you?
Here are some bits of resistance that will probably come up for you once you decide to reclaim your hero status. (Because you were totally the hero of your own life when you were a kid; you just forgot. Don’t worry. It’s totally cool. Most of us forget!)
No, it’s not easy. But what’s easier—living a beige life for endless (yet all-too-short) years, or accepting discomfort in the present in order to live the technicolor dream life we yearn for?
There comes a time when we have to move through what’s hard in order to get to “What took me so long to get started?” This is growth, and growth can be uncomfortable, but it’s always worthwhile.
This logic makes absolutely no sense, yet I’m willing to bet there’s no one who hasn’t told themselves this at some point.
Guess what? If school is going to take you four, five, or six years, you’ll just get that much older anyway, whether or not you go to school. Wouldn’t you rather be happier and feel more accomplished at that point, or would you rather just feel older?
Listen, nothing anybody does or thinks or says to or about us has anything to do with us. It’s all about their own hang-ups, insecurities, and jealousies.
We all apply the filter of our own experiences to what we see other people doing with their lives, and chances are our interpretation of even the people closest to us is way off base.
I can’t even be flippant about this because you’re probably right. There will likely be at least one person who can’t get on board with your authentic vision for your life. But you know what? For every one person who can’t understand you, there are fifty people who will—you just haven’t met them yet.
Fact: There will never be a right time. Waiting for the right time is just a form of procrastination that stems from fear. Now is the time to get moving. You’ll figure things out as you go.
No. You’re finally sane. It’s the version of you who believed life was meant to be a boring slog-fest that was crazy.
Yes. A million times, yes.
So, are you ready? Let’s do this. Let’s reclaim our dreams, and when we do, we’ll inspire others to do the same.
Because life is too short to be spent waiting for permission to get started.
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~Wolfgang von Goethe
I was one of the lucky few people that always knew what I wanted to do with my life when I was young.
Unfortunately, when the time came to pull the trigger and go full steam ahead toward my passion, I got talked out of the dream.
When I brought up what I wanted to do (Chinese Medicine) to people I knew, I saw them raise their eyebrows:
“Chinese medicine? How much will you make when you graduate from medical school? It’s not the same as a doctor right?”
“How far in debt are you going to have to be for those loans?”
Or, this one:
“Interesting…”
It’s such an alarming feeling to share the biggest dream you have with people, and not having a single person cheer you on and say, “Go for it!”
It’s such a strange, isolating feeling no longer being sure that your dream is somehow right.
It’s an unsettling feeling that what you knew was right the entire time, might not have been right all along.
But ultimately we do know it’s right—and sometimes the logical chatter of the mind talks us out of our heart.
For a long time after, I was pretty depressed and lost.
In fact, it took me almost half a decade of aimlessly wandering, floating around in a haze of unhappiness, to finally come back and honor what I wanted to do all along.
In retrospect, it’s not that surprising why I became so depressed—why nothing seemed to have any point or any purpose, and why I didn’t like anything about my life.
My calling was there all along, and I ignored it because I listened to other people.
We all know someone that’s been broken like this.
In fact, it seems like most people reside here their entire lives.
Day in, day out, it’s the same old same old.
When you talk with them, it seems like something is missing—for lack of a better word, their spirit is missing. They look empty. They feel hollow.
I’ve noticed they don’t feel alive. And honestly, just seeing this over and over in others—and recognizing it in myself—scared me.
As I began to ‘wake up’ a bit more and listen to myself, here were the three things that helped me dream again.
The five-minute coffee shop ritual is simple: I would just let myself entertain the idea of my dream.
Here’s what I’d do. I’d go to my favorite local spot, get a nice cup of tea or an espresso, pull out a white sheet of paper and a pen, and just write.
I would write down one thing: What’s the most incredible life I can imagine for myself?
I would take time to write out and visualize every aspect of that life—ranging from what I’d do every day, where I’d live, how I’d feel, how much I’d make, who I would be with, etc.
I would write down and visualize as much about my dream life as possible.
The only reason for this ritual was one thing: giving myself permission to actually dream again, after having all my dreams subdued.
It can be incredibly discouraging to have someone tell you that your dream is impossible or not worth it—but I would repeatedly ask myself one thing:
Is this person living the life I want to live, and ten years from now will taking their advice bring me to the life I want?
Overwhelmingly, I observed that the average person criticizing my dreams or telling me “it couldn’t happen” was someone that was already deeply unhappy with their own life.
So whenever someone would criticize me from then on, I asked myself if I would be willing to trade places with them. Did I see them as a happy, fulfilled, successful person?
If not, it was easy to ignore their advice.
The final experiment I did for myself to “re-awaken” was to do a twenty-four-hour gut living experiment.
It can be scary to tell yourself, “I’m going to do whatever my heart says no matter what,” so instead I told myself I’d do it just for a day. That’s it.
So rather than waking up and being dominated by all the things I thought I should do, I only did the things I intuitively was drawn to.
After work, I would make sure on one specific day of the week to cancel whatever plans and obligations I had, and then would do whatever I intuitively was drawn to.
Again, this was just one day, so it wasn’t like I was avoiding all my life responsibilities.
But just by going 100% with my gut, I noticed that I began to follow it a lot more in my life.
Over time, the life I really wanted began showing up.
It’s such a sad circumstance that, overwhelmingly, the people that try to talk us out of our dreams are the ones who were talked out of theirs.
But just by following these three core strategies I was finally able to figure out what I loved again, and then have the guts to go for it—no matter what other people said.
It started with me having the courage to dream big again—to live with my intuition (even if only for twenty-four hours to start).
It started with imagining the biggest, most amazing life I could possibly dream up, and then taking the first baby step to make that really.
And finally, it started with me having 100% crystal clear faith that things would work out if I just kept taking baby steps, day after day, and just kept going.
So what are you waiting for? Get started!
Boy looking at stars image via Shutterstock
“Remember your dreams and fight for them.” ~Paulo Coelho
You have a dream. Something that you’ve wanted for a long time. But that dream continues to elude you.
You blame circumstances—your daily responsibilities, lack of time, finances—or perhaps your family for holding you back.
What if none of the above is to blame for your dreams not coming true?
What if it’s something else?
Four of us performing. Our band’s name—Oracle. Thousands of fans singing along with us.
That was my dream. Our dream. And it never happened!
In the year 2000, we recorded a demo album and sent it to a few of the biggest recording labels.
But not a single company signed us up.
I was nineteen, arrogant, and thought the world of our music. Not getting a contract anywhere was the last thing I had expected.
I could have kept trying to build a career in music. But I was devastated, so I gave up. The band also dispersed, and we went our separate ways.
I decided to forget about music for the time being, continue my education, and get a job.
After beginning to work in the corporate world, I realized that I truly enjoyed working with people. I had always been passionate about psychology, meditation, and learning more about the mind. So I started working on a new dream—to build my own training firm.
After a long time, I finally had found a career path in something that I was truly passionate about!
Things weren’t easy when I quit my job to follow my dreams again. But this time, I was determined not to quit, no matter how much hard work or sacrifices success would entail. I am incredibly lucky to have a wife who has supported me and encouraged me every day.
Over the years, my perseverance paid off. I am now doing well and growing.
But here’s the funny thing…
I now realize that if I had invested the same amount of time and effort toward music as I had done in my company, I could have become a successful musician.
How do I know this?
Because the fourth member of our band went on to become a professional musician. He now works in movies with some of the most eminent names in the industry.
So why did I fail?
Was it because I didn’t have the talent, the time, or a network of people in the music industry who could support me?
No. I never lacked any of the above.
I failed because of my limiting beliefs.
Our beliefs create our reality.
Our beliefs create our thoughts. Our thoughts determine what we do—our decisions, our everyday actions, and the way we work toward our dreams.
Most of the time, the only things holding you back are your limiting beliefs.
The following are five limiting beliefs that sabotage your dreams.
How difficult does your dream seem to you? Do you feel that you don’t have the necessary talent, money, time, education, network, or other resources?
That’s what I felt like when our demo album got rejected.
If you feel that your dream is too difficult, just ask yourself: What small steps can I take that will take me closer to my dream?
If you want to run a marathon, start running for five minutes every day.
If you want to start your own business, start networking with people in that industry.
If you want to be a world traveler, look for jobs that will allow you to travel.
But why do dreams seem so difficult and so distant?
Usually because of the next belief.
How quickly do you want your dream to come true? Definitely sooner than ten years, right?
In the year 2000, I was nineteen years old, and even two years seemed like a lifetime then.
I lacked the patience to work hard consistently. On the contrary, my friend carried on—learning, singing in other bands, and consistently working toward his dreams.
It took him thirteen years to get there after our band broke up.
If that sounds like infinity to you, just ask yourself:
“Would you rather get there late? Or would you rather not arrive at all?”
I can hear you asking, “Your friend might be working in the music industry, but is he a star? Has he played at Madison Square Garden? Isn’t that what the dream was?”
No, he isn’t a rock star, but does he really need to be one?
He’s doing excellent work in one of the most challenging industries on earth, making good money, and most importantly, having a great time.
Maybe you have a specific dream in mind. Does it mean that you have failed if you have only achieved a fraction of that dream?
You might never become a New York Times Best Seller or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Does that mean that any achievements short of those goals is a waste of your time?
Do you feel that your time has passed?
Maybe if you were younger, it might have been possible, but aren’t you too old now?
I felt the same—when I was nineteen years old!
In a world where people become stars in their teens or billionaires in their twenties, no wonder we feel that we are too late.
I have a friend who has won three National Geographic contests and traveled to four continents, photographing polar bears in Alaska as part of his expeditions.
He did all that after he retired.
What’s admirable is that he never abandoned his dream of becoming a successful photographer.
If he can live his dream, why can’t you?
What if you don’t make it? Despite all your efforts, what if your dream remains unfulfilled?
You might end up damaging your career, losing money, and alienating people.
You are right; you might fail. But here’s what you must ask yourself: Are you completely happy with your life right now?
In your twilight years, when you look back, will you regret not trying hard enough?
But hold on. What about your responsibilities toward your family? Isn’t it selfish to pursue your dreams if you have to neglect them?
A woman I know who has built a thriving organic food business once told me, “I had to sacrifice a lot to follow my passion. But if I didn’t pursue my own dreams, how would I have proved to my children that they can succeed at their dreams too?”
Don’t you think that’s a risk worth taking?
I have been held back by every single one of these limiting beliefs. But I didn’t let them stop me from fulfilling my second dream of building my own firm.
If you have a dream, you have a duty and responsibility to make it come true—not only to yourself but also to those who love you.
Examine your thoughts and question your beliefs. Your dreams are closer than you think.
What small steps will you take today to make your dreams come true?
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet success unexpected in common hours.” ~Henry David Thoreau
I had dreams—dreams I thought could never be.
The dream of wanting to publish but never thinking I was a good enough writer; of being a painter but not even knowing how to hold a brush; of running a business without an MBA.
Too often in my past, I put these dreams off, waiting to feel like everything was “right”—the right timing, right environment, right preparation, right education, or right ideas.
My enthusiasm would wane, my light would dim, and I didn’t know why. It’s because something was calling me over and over, but I kept it in a box on the top shelf of my closet.
Why was this voice caviling at me to follow a dream when it knew I had too many other priorities? When it knew I wasn’t smart enough, or rich enough, or wasting my time?
Because my dreams knew better than me.
They knew more than I did the feeling of passion and bliss I would get from doing what I would love.
They had my back.
They knew my heart and what it wanted to express.
They knew better than I ever could about what would give me joy and happiness.
So, I made it my mission to listen, and I accomplished each of my dreams within only a few years step-by-step.
Any time I felt low or depressed I came to realize there was one primary reason: I was not on purpose. Or I questioned what my purpose was. Or it seemed impossible. And on really bad days, I believed my “purpose” was a load a crap.
Purpose is directly correlated to our dreams. The more we follow our dreams the more we are on purpose.
I thought I had to have the dream all mapped out—how I’d do it and what would happen.
But, finally, rather than spend my time wondering if, when, or how it might happen, I came to realize I just needed to jump in.
And a wild world of spontaneity, surprises, and curiosity opened up.
If I took my dreams oh-so-seriously I could feel like a failure. But when there was more room to explore like on a fun adventure, I held them with a lighter hand. It could be fun, instead.
But sometimes, my dreams would start to feel like a “hobby” or a whim. Something I just put my attention on sporadically. I still didn’t feel fully fulfilled.
I discovered the reason why I was not making time for my dreams on an ongoing basis was because my mind was jutting out into the future, looking only at the outcome:
“There’s no way I can write an entire novel—it’s going to take years…”
“I’d love to learn to draw, but all I can do is lousy little doodles…”
“I’ve always wanted to start up my own business, but I don’t know where to begin…”
If we’re standing on one side of a soccer field’s goal and want to kick the ball directly into the opposing goal, it would be impossible.
But I learned if I dribbled the ball—one dribble at a time—I could reach my dreams and have a blast with it.
Here’s a three-step guide to get your ball rolling and reach your dreams now.
Simply ask yourself what is the easiest first step you can take.
For me, it could be to simply:
Usually, our dream is so thrilled to have our attention it’s just grateful for our willingness to meet it.
It’s like, “Hi! I’ve been waiting for you! I’m so happy to see you!”
Even if at first it feels like drudgery—somehow if we do that one step something inside wakes up.
We feel good about ourselves in the simple act of beginning.
Don’t put off a dream for any other moment. It’s calling you for a reason. It knows exactly how it will serve you. It absolutely knows what you need.
Begin without putting any pressure on yourself:
What if it didn’t have to be good or pretty or a bestseller or make a billion bucks?
What if I didn’t have to know anything at first and I could learn as I go?
What if no one had to know about it for now, and I kept it to myself?
Don’t worry about the outcome or the product when you begin. You can deal with that later. Just begin.
After beginning, continue with the essence of play. Do it it just because you dig it. For the sheer joy of doing it. ‘Cause it turns you on. It gives you juice.
Play like a child again: Get your hands dirty, be messy, screw up—without having to know what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, or where it will it end.
What if there’s nothing to lose?
What if it didn’t have to make sense?
What if you could take risks?
Have fun with it just like a kid.
After playing, return to step one and begin again.
This is the most important step: It’s all about having permission to keep being a beginner. Over time, as you carry on you will become an expert.
And even as experts, we’re always learning something new all the time. So in actuality, we’re always beginning—always being beginners.
So, what if you still didn’t have to have it all figured out?
If anything could happen next?
You could continue to connect to your dream even if it’s only for a few minutes?
Collected five minutes will not only give you energy and inspire you, but it’s amazing how much you can accomplish.
I keep a painting on my wall at all times. Every day or so I’ll pick up a brush and add something. Just a stroke gets me going. And over a relative short amount of time—voila! A painting is finished.
Putting our dreams into action is what makes us feel awesome.
Keep showing up by following these three simple steps. If you continuously meet what is calling you, your dreams will naturally unfold with wonder and awe.
What are your dreams calling out to you? Can you listen?
Girl touching stars image via Shutterstock
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
One day, I’d had enough.
I heated up my yoga studio, rolled out my mat, and prepared to change this voice that I am embarrassed to admit torments me every day.
I stood at the top of my mat, closed my eyes, and tuned into my inner voice.
“I am tired.”
“I should exercise tomorrow.”
“I have too much work to take time from my schedule.”
As my inner voice continued on and on, I began to visualize another mat rolled out next to me.
On this other mat was an exact replica of myself. She was also standing still with her eyes closed, except there was one very big difference: this person was still, silent, relaxed, calm, and ready.
For the next hour, I moved through my typical yoga practice with my new my imaginary friend.
We lifted our arms up in the air as we moved into the first pose. I watched her in my mind’s eye and moved with her. She was the perfect role model. She remained composed, graceful, and poised throughout the entire hour.
I, on the other hand, was working hard not to make audible groans. However, each time I started to feel like I was filling up with negativity, I turned my attention to my new friend and I imitated her movements, energy, and attitude.
Within moments, I was able to transform my attitude with a simple shift of focus away from myself and onto her.
Why did I create this alter ego?
I want to be in shape. I want to feel strong. I want to feel that awesome post-exercise glow from a great workout.
If I want all these awesome benefits from exercise, why does it have to be so hard some days to make it happen?
And by hard I don’t mean that exercise is too hard on my muscles, that they won’t fire. If I was just too sore from the previous day, it would be understandable to miss a day of exercise.
It’s not my lack of physical strength that stands between me and my goals—it’s the endless whining, complaining, excuse-giving voice in my head.
Maybe you don’t struggle with complaints. Maybe you just hate on yourself enough until you feel motivated. Either way, it is enough negativity to ruin anything!
What if there was a way to reach your goals and feel good, even happy, at the same time?
Visualization works because you are using yourself as your role model. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the value of other people as role models. Sometimes we need advice, other opinions, or just a good listener.
But most of the time we need to get out of own way. We are the problem. The voice in our head is the problem.
When I use other people as role models in certain situations, I just feel worse. Here is why: I use them for inspiration.
The very moment that I use someone else as my inspiration, I place myself in a space of not being good enough because they are the ones accomplishing the goal I desire.
I visualize the other person. I don’t see myself as successful. I don’t see my own face. I see the other person. I see myself as not good enough relative to someone else’s success. Visualize yourself and you will believe you already have everything you need to accomplish your goals.
What do you wish you were doing more of?
My yoga friend is the same size as I am. She has the same outfit, same mat, even the same pedicure.
You have more resources within than you realize.
My yoga practice was peaceful, rewarding, and I actually pushed myself harder than usual. I was my own mentor and I had a lot to offer myself that I did not know existed.
Man visualizing success image via Shutterstock
“Instead of wondering when our next vacation is we should set up a life we don’t need to escape from.” ~Seth Godin
I was a senior human resources professional at the biggest company in New Zealand. I had a great team of people, a flash company car, and got to stay at the posh hotels and dine at the nicest restaurants.
I was paid more than I thought I’d ever earn, I had a house overlooking the beach, and got to vacation at some fantastic destinations. My life had all the hallmarks of success from the outside, but inside there was a hole in my soul.
I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left school (or even a decade after), but I was taught what success looked like—a high salary, job security, a fancy title, and the higher up the ladder you went, the better. But my experience didn’t really fit this model.
I’d had a feeling for some time that the corporate world wasn’t for me.
In the morning I struggled to put on my work shoes and dress for the office, preferring to be bare foot on the beach in my shorts.
I hated being stuck inside. Some days I’d never get to go outside my office. It just didn’t seem like me, but it paid well and every time I got promoted people would tell me how great it was.
Eventually I had enough of climbing the ladder, pretending to be important, checking emails at 10pm, attending back-to-back meetings, commuting in city traffic jams, and sitting for hours in front of a computer screen, my phone constantly going.
I would sit in meetings talking about strategies and adding value while looking outside, daydreaming of where I’d rather be.
I was exhausted, unhappy, and I kept getting sick. It wasn’t so much the stressful job that tired me; the really exhausting part was pretending to be something I wasn’t, committing to things that didn’t matter to me, and selling out on my values and purpose.
The further I climbed, the more I earned, and the more successful people told me I was, the unhappier I became. I had a full bank account but an empty soul. I thought there must be more to life than that.
When I told people I did not find my job fulfilling, they looked at me like I had two heads.
“Why would you expect it to be? It pays the bills; that’s its purpose. There isn’t anymore.”
For a moment I thought maybe I wasn’t being grateful. I was lost in the cycle of wanting more; perhaps I was looking for greener grass? There was only one way to find out, so I took the leap, quit my job, and walked away.
Many people thought I was brave for making the decision to leave such a good job without any qualification to do anything else and no other job to go to. Many more thought I was crazy.
But I’m not the only one. Lots of people are now choosing to put their health and quality of life before work and seeking balance. We are beginning to wake up to the fact that it’s important to live our values and spend our days doing things that matter to us.
Of course, you don’t always have to quit your job to achieve this. There are those who are happy in their work and love what they do, and if that’s you, I salute you.
For those yet to find that, don’t panic. Think about what you’re good at, what makes you tick, and what you enjoy the most and begin to bring those changes into your life.
We can all feel trapped in our day jobs, whether it be for the perks, the status, the career progression, or just the need to pay the bills. These are all forms of security, and it’s one of the reasons we spend so long in jobs we can’t bear.
There is a natural fear of the unknown, a new job, having to retrain, the need to pay the bills.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whether it’s updating your resume, meeting with recruitment agents, looking at home study courses, budgeting your finances, or sitting down and setting some goals, the key is to make a start.
Taking a risk into the unknown is scary but also liberating. We are motivated and excited by change, but at the same time it can send us running back to the things we know. It’s all too easy to find excuses to put off making a change and stay where it feels safe.
We perceive security in our pay checks and the things familiar to us, even if they don’t make us happy, but as Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”
I did this for years. Every time I was forced into a change of job I would tell people, “I might try something different this time and do something I really enjoy,” but the call of the familiar pulled me back to the corporate world (not to mention the money I needed to pay the rent and the fact that I wasn’t qualified to do anything else).
I used to spend my days looking forward to long weekends and vacations. Now I have a life I feel I don’t need to vacate from.
When I left the corporate world I spent my new found freedom learning to be a yoga teacher, living in Ashrams, and undertaking meditation retreats. I can now put that knowledge and my passion into what I do every day.
I feel like I help and inspire people, although it’s not all butterflies and rainbows; I earn less, have to get up earlier, and sometimes I don’t know when or where the next job is coming from. But my work is part of my life now rather than an inconvenient interruption to it.
It keeps me fit and healthy, I get to travel and meet like minded people, and for the first time I feel there’s a purpose and reason to what I do, and it’s a wholesome one.
I firmly believe in the mantra “Do what you love and love what you do and you will be successful.” I always wanted a job you could turn up for in yoga pants and a hoodie and the best of all, you don’t have to wear shoes!
Happy man image via Shutterstock
“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming—well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” ~Amy Tan
Pursuing dreams…
How you wish it were a smooth ride. Right?
The twists and curves you’ve encountered may have left you full of negative thoughts and doubting your ability to succeed.
In fact, you may be accepting your situation as fate and settling for defeat.
But don’t give up yet!
To keep your dreams alive, you must avoid making certain mistakes. You must realize that you’re the pilot, and you can take charge of your dreams and fly to places you’ve never been.
After five years of spinning my wheels teaching in Kenya and dealing with mandated curriculums that didn’t make sense, I decided to do something bold.
I packed my suitcase and moved to Botswana in pursuit of my dream—starting my own business. A friend living there had told me Botswana was the best place to live in Africa because the people were friendly, the economy was rich, and it was less populated.
Was I scared? Sure.
Did I care? Nope.
I envisioned a successful life, being my own boss, and living the dream.
Who wouldn’t want that?
Sometimes moving is the best therapy for a new beginning.
I lived with a host family for three months while applying for a business permit.
A little after three months, my time was up. I had to cut the cord with the host family and move out. The business permit processing took a little longer than anticipated.
With no money coming in life got hard. I hit rock bottom. I was broke and broken.
I ate caterpillars to survive.
I had no money, and my savings had run out.
I had no place to live.
I had no family around.
But I refused to give up. I refused to lose hope. I refused to let the feeling of despair ruin me. I refused to let the pain inside win the battle. A voice inside kept on saying I would make it.
One day, I was taking a stroll when I saw a swimming pool that was not being used; a private members club owned it.
So I asked the manager if I could use the pool. (Remember, I didn’t have any money). I figured if I could learn to swim, I could turn around and offer swimming lessons for a living.
He agreed that I could use the pool if I paid the club a percentage of my earnings.
I lived on the good will of friends who loaned me money to pay for the club membership. A friend offered me free swimming lessons, which took a little over four months. I then became a swimming teacher and my clients were club members, adults, and kids.
Nothing lasts forever, even the harsh life I’d known all so well. Finally, I was living the dream I had left teaching to pursue—coaching on my own terms.
Through my experience, I’ve learned some huge mistakes to avoid when chasing your dream.
Take the risk. Are you going to be scared? Oh, yes, you’ll be petrified. Remember, it’s not going to be a straight path. Take mini steps and be consistent with your work.
Even if you don’t reach the goal you’ve set, you’ll learn, grow, and perhaps even find new opportunities through the process of stretching yourself.
Believe in yourself and the possibility of your dreams coming true, without letting discouragement rob you of the faith you have in yourself.
For me, instead of letting the work permit delay and lack of money discourage me, I opted to change the course of my dream.
If your current situation is not ideal, don’t live in denial. If you do, you won’t be able to deal with the obstacles you’re currently facing. Doing nothing won’t change your situation or bring you any closer to your dreams. Before long, you will hit the wall and crash, and possibly fall into a depression.
Instead, accept the situation you’re in and then work toward changing it. You have more power than you realize. Trust and believe in yourself. However small the change happens, be grateful.
Holding on to a painful past will fill you with doubts when you’re trying to pursue your dreams. You won’t be able to handle obstacles that arise and you’ll spend your energy on worries and regrets.
You’ll be afraid to make decisions because of past experiences. You’ll hold yourself back from claiming opportunities when they arise.
So, let the past be gone but cling to the good memories, and when things are rocky look at the past and smile. Let the bad be a learning experience, let learning produce growth, and let growth bring you closer to your goal.
It can be deadly.
I procrastinated the first three months I moved to Botswana. I wasted time and money on vacation, clothes, etc.
Time wasted cannot be recovered. It’s just like a river; once you touch the water flowing past you, it will never flow back toward you again. Do what you’re supposed to do, when it’s supposed to be done.
Don’t ever forget to take care of your body. Treat it like a temple. If you don’t, you will get sick, mentally and physically, and this will prevent you from working toward your goal.
However hard you’re working take time off to exercise, and don’t forget to eat healthy foods. (Don’t starve yourself. Eat what’s edible; it won’t kill you.)
Don’t forget to pray. It’ll nourish your soul and give you inner peace.
When I hit rock bottom I walked two miles or more every day, and by the time I got back home I was refreshed.
Knock on doors.
Will doors be shut on you? Sure, more than you can count.
Sometimes we ask for help anticipating getting our way. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
I didn’t wait for friends to find me; I went out and became a friend. From that friendship, I was able to join the club, find a place to live, and teach swimming lessons.
If doors close, go in through the window.
If that means changing the course of your plan, please do so; change will not mean losing your dream.
They will judge you by how you look, what you eat, and how you live. When people judge, it has more to do with their own fears and insecurities than you
Turn a deaf ear to these judgments. Feel proud of the journey you’re taking.
It’s impossible to only focus on the positive, but dwelling on the negative all the time is like a bomb waiting to explode. Your thoughts will hold you hostage from making progress and your mind will be filled with doubt.
Allow yourself to feel the negative. Cry if you have to, but don’t let it take over you.
Releasing your negative feelings will leave you at peace and you will be able to focus on the positive even in tough times.
A positive attitude will help you decide the best strategy for achieving your goals.
Comparison leads to jealousy and envy. It can kill friendships if not tamed.
Celebrate the success of others instead of being jealous. Let them know you admire them.
Turn the focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have and be grateful for it.
Your dream is a vehicle, and you’re the driver. Don’t let the passengers map the road for you.
Stop trying to win over the people who don’t believe in you and criticize you.
Only seek help from those who support your mission and encourage you, because they will cheer you on along the way.
Hold fast to your dream.
Gear up to fight the storms.
Keep that banner shining.
Never give up, and never give in.
Stand up and face the fear, baby!
Your dream is counting on you.
Do you believe you can pursue it?
Boy reaching for stars image via Shutterstock
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
When I first quit my office job in 2012, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. My idea bank was at zero.
But for a full year after leaving my job, I committed myself to exploring and doing the things I’d always been too scared to do.
I took acting classes, traveled, volunteered on farms, started a blog, learned about a more sustainable lifestyle, and was initiated into Reiki.
After a while I realized my problem had spun a complete 360. My idea bank was full to the brim and now, far from being frustrated at my lack of ideas for the future, I was confused and overwhelmed at the number of choices I had.
I had countless ideas for what I could do with my life, and I didn’t know where to put my focus.
Did I want to pursue Reiki and help others in the way it had helped me?
Did I want to become a coach?
Did I want to save the planet by devoting myself to environmental causes?
Did I want to move to a farm, live in a community, and grow veggies?
Did I want to start walking holidays in the Lake District?
Did I want to become a private French tutor?
Did I want to pursue acting?
Did I want to open a coffee shop? A Vietnamese coffee shop, to be precise…
Looking back, I see that much of my confusion could have been eliminated early on if I’d have known some of the things I know today. It’s such an incredibly frustrating place to be, being passionate about so many things and not knowing which to choose. It often results in choosing nothing.
Today, I’d love to share with you some ideas and exercises that helped me sift through the confusion of all the things I was passionate about and to find a way forward.
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey advises that we “begin with the end in mind.”
The idea of beginning with the end in mind means knowing your destination in advance so that you can more easily make the choices and take the steps necessary to get you there. When you begin with the end in mind, your daily actions are aligned with your bigger vision.
Beginning with the end in mind, at its deepest level, literally means looking at the end of your life.
What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone? What would you like to have changed in the world? I absolutely recommend reading Covey’s book and working through this in detail.
But right now, for today, let’s take beginning with the end in mind at a level that will help you gain some clarity on which of your passions to pursue.
Really think hard and in detail about the life and lifestyle you want to create for yourself.
Where do you want to live? Do you want to be location independent? Do you want to sit at a desk or be outside most of the time? Do you want to spend most of your time with people, or alone? What time do you want to get up? Go to bed?
For example, I was clear that I wanted 100% location independence, and so creating a local Reiki practice would have made no sense.
I wanted complete control over my schedule, so opening a Vietnamese coffee shop and having set opening and closing times would have been far from ideal.
If you don’t begin with the end in mind, you can end up creating a life that you don’t really want.
When I first left my job, I really had no idea what it meant to “know your values.” But over the last couple of years I’ve seen how essential knowing your core values is in creating a life you love.
When it comes to choosing one passion among many, just like beginning with the end in mind, knowing your values will really help you gain some clarity.
As an example, one of my most important values is freedom. I want to have freedom of location, freedom of time, and financial freedom.
Knowing my most important values allows me to constantly make decisions in alignment with the life I want to create and that are ultimately going to make me happier.
If I value freedom above all else, there’s no way I’m going to tie myself down to a coffee shop.
If you’ve never thought about your real values, now is a great time to start. Here are a couple of questions to get you started. If you can find a friend, coach, or mentor to ask you these questions, that can also be really helpful.
Think of a single moment in time you remember being especially rewarding or poignant.
What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on? What were the values that were being honored in that moment?
Maybe you recently took a trip and remember feeling blissfully happy while looking out at a beautiful sunset. In this case, perhaps you value nature, peace, or serenity.
Repeat this exercise with several other moments that you can remember and draw out as many value words as you can. If you’re struggling to find the words, I recommend checking out this article.
Think of a single moment in time you felt angry, upset, or frustrated.
What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on?
This exercise will often lead you to suppressed or unmet values.
For example, if I think back to my old job, I remember being really annoyed at having to figure out my holiday dates around thirty other people in the office. Why couldn’t I just go when it was best for me, when I wanted to go on holiday? My value of freedom was being totally crushed here, and it really made me angry.
Get the idea? Go ahead and give it a try.
One of my biggest stumbling blocks and frustrations over the last couple of years has been the misguided belief that I must turn all my passions into a business.
I had an irrational fear that by picking one, the others would disappear from my life forever.
But that’s simply not true. Your passions can still be your passions even if you don’t get paid for them.
I still practice Reiki on myself and others, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need or want to turn it into my business.
I can go grab or make a cup of Vietnamese coffee whenever I like. There’s really no need for me to open a coffee shop, especially when it’s not in alignment with the ultimate life I want to create.
I grow veggies on my home balcony, and that fulfills my passion for being connected to the earth and wholesome, healthy food.
The thought of letting go of turning some of your passions into your future work can feel really painful. It’s so important to understand that you can still have them in your life even if you pick another of your passions to pursue professionally.
Finally, at the end of the day, you’ve just got to have a little faith and trust in the whole process. Sometimes things can seem as clear as mud. And that’s okay. Your only job is to keep taking small steps each day. The path will unfold and become clearer as you go. Enjoy the journey.
Choices image via Shutterstock
“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~ Stephen Covey
I used to be a zombie.
I don’t mean that I died and was brought back to life; I mean I used to live on autopilot. Diligently doing the right thing.
Following one opportunity to the next, onward and upward.
Until I found myself boxed into a cubicle, earning a six-figure income while my soul slowly died.
I didn’t even realize it. I just thought this was what people did.
Everyone around me was the same. They weren’t happy, but like me, they stayed because of the money and conditions. I didn’t grasp it at the time, but we were all taking the easy path. We were all bottling up our dreams, too scared to change.
We were all selling ourselves short and living our lives on autopilot.
Many of my previous colleagues still do. But not me.
For years, I’d ached to do something different. I envied those who made a living by helping others. But I thought that life hadn’t chosen me, that it wasn’t my path.
I didn’t comprehend that I was choosing my path every day. I didn’t realize that by not making a conscious choice to do something better, to be something better, I was following a path to unhappiness.
Every day you choose how you live your life, whether you’re conscious of it or not. And choosing to live an amazing life doesn’t have to be complicated.
Today I live more consciously. I’ve chosen a new path, and I’m working doggedly toward it.
I’m not there yet, but my life is already more amazing. I’m living out some of my dreams while working toward others.
I make choices that align with my values and goals, and I don’t settle for second best.
I’ve discovered five simple ways to make life more amazing.
You have a lot of pressure on you to be perfect.
You try to live a perfectly healthy life, or be the perfect parent, the perfect employee, or the perfect partner.
I used to get up at 5:30 every morning so I could exercise, meditate, tidy up, and get to work early. I pushed aside quality time with my family so I could do it all.
All of that takes time and effort, and it doesn’t make you happier. It makes your life less enjoyable, and less amazing because it robs you of time you could have spent with the people you love.
I now sleep in a little, and I wake up when my kids climb into bed for a cuddle.
Life is more amazing when you focus less on perfection and more on connections. People and relationships bring us happiness and enrich our lives.
Stop listening to the little voice of should. The one that says you should be exercising or working more when you’re already putting in a good effort.
You need to spend time with your favorite people because time is limited, and relationships are the most important thing in the world.
Do you ever feel like something is not quite right, but you can’t put your finger on what it is?
Maybe you’ve been for a job interview, and it seems good, but something is off. Or you’ve met someone new, and they seem nice, but something isn’t right. Something you can’t articulate.
Most of the time, that feeling is a flag that something is not in line with your values.
If you sit down and list your core values and then list the values of the person or thing that doesn’t seem to fit, you’ll see a mismatch.
That not quite right feeling is a signal that something needs to change. It’s a signal I didn’t listen to for a long time, and it led to problems.
When I took my high-paying job, I did so because the organization focused on helping people, and that’s what I wanted to do, too.
Over time, I realized that the way they helped people was not in line with my values. Writing and implementing policy did not satisfy me.
I want to write directly to people so I can inspire and motivate them.
I value connections with people, but the organization valued structure and governance. Had I realized this mismatch sooner, and acted on it, I would have been happier.
Living by your values gets you into flow. Everything becomes easier from there.
Some years ago, I read an article written by a senior executive retiring from a large organization.
He wrote something like, “I’ve worked hard here for over forty years. I’ve put in long hours and sacrificed time from my friends and family. And you know what? It wasn’t worth it.”
How sad. He’d lived his life on autopilot, and it was too late to change.
I keep his story in mind whenever I’m tempted to take the easy option. I question my motivation.
Am I slipping into autopilot, or is it what I want? If what I want is difficult and scary, what is the cost of not being courageous?
Let the fear of not trying, the fear of regret, and the fear of wasting your life be your motivator.
Do you ever ask yourself if something is a sign from the universe?
Here is the cold hard truth about signs from the universe: They don’t exist. The universe doesn’t send you signs.
When someone thinks there’s a sign that supports or discourages a certain path, it’s just meaning that they’ve added to a situation or event.
And you only wonder if it’s a sign when you’re already in self-doubt.
If you go to the grocery store to buy chicken for dinner, and they’re out of chicken, you don’t wonder if it’s a sign from the universe that you should give up eating.
You just change your plans and make something else for dinner. You stick with your goals and keep going.
If Edison had listened to signs, he would have given up years before, and we’d all be sitting here in the dark.
His teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs because of his lack of productivity.
His first 1,000 attempts at inventing the light bulb failed. One thousand!
His interpretation of the situation? The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.
Keep working toward your dreams. Even if they take 1,000 steps.
Walt Disney used to have a series of rooms to help him and his team brainstorm their best ideas.
The first one was the Dream Room, where all ideas were possible, and no evaluation took place. Pure fantasy was encouraged, no matter how fantastic or absurd.
The second room was the Realist Room, where Walt and his team planned how to put the ideas into place.
Lastly, there was the Critic Room. This is where they’d look for problems and openly criticize. They’d think of what could go wrong, how they could prevent problems, and what the project might cost.
Walt’s system encouraged people to dream, but also to plan so they could achieve their wildest fantasy.
Can I be painfully honest with you? The I’m-shocked-anyone-would-say-that kind of honesty. The brutal truth. No holds barred (brace yourself).
Your problem is that you’re stuck in the Critic Room.
You get the flicker of a good idea, but before you can flesh it out and establish how it might work, you’ve shot it down in flames. It’s too hard, or too expensive, or too difficult. Or just too scary.
You jump straight into criticizing things you haven’t had the opportunity to plan. So you don’t dare to dream.
You feel the fear before you’ve started entertaining the reality of what might be.
You let all the criticisms you’ve ever heard in your life gang up on you and whisper, “You’re not good enough,” in your ear.
The truth is that you’re just as good as anyone else.
You’re just as good as anyone who is living the dream life you wish was yours.
The only difference is determination. Because having an amazing life starts with dreaming up the life you want.
But that’s only the beginning. People who create an amazing life work to achieve it.
You can’t just sit around waiting for your dreams to happen. You must strive toward them. You must have determination.
So the real truth is that you have a choice.
You can choose to live an amazing life. Or you can choose to be a zombie, take the easy path, and sit there on autopilot. Which one will you choose?
“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.” ~Jodi Picoult
I grew up with a lot of expectations—from other people in my life and from myself. I had to finish school, do my best, finish college, get married, have children, and be a success in everything I did.
My family was supportive; however, they never really pushed me to get active. I had to push myself, and I pushed hard.
I finished high school, then college with an associate’s degree, then my counseling license, and then my bachelor’s. I got married and had a daughter. But I wasn’t happy.
I didn’t really want to get married. I wanted to be independent and live on my own, and I wasn’t sure that this person was “the one.”
I was attempting to follow the expectations I’d set for myself.
My oldest sister is the wisest person I know, and she knew that this wasn’t right for me. Still, I was always stubborn, so despite others telling me not to do it, I got married anyway.
I wanted to be a success, and being a success meant living up to my own expectations.
I was supposed to be married at twenty-three, whether I wanted that or not.
I couldn’t get a divorce because I would have had to admit that I was a failure. My expectations were stopping me from actually living life.
I wondered if I could really complain. He was a good husband and father. One would think this would be enough to stay in a marriage even if I didn’t want to get married to begin with.
One day I realized that I needed to be happy, and decided to drop the belief that I’d be a failure if I got a divorce. So that’s what I did.
I’ve learned that some relationships are like milk. They go beyond the expiration date, and eventually they turn sour.
Sometimes my old self wants to be mad and guilt me for “giving up,” but the new me says, “You’re courageous to stand up and do something that’s scary.”
To do that, I needed to get in touch with what I really wanted and not worry about what others thought about me.
If you’re also living a life you don’t love because you think that’s what you should be doing:
Put yourself first because you cannot care for anyone else unless you care about yourself. Don’t worry about what others expect of you; think about what you really want for yourself. Letting go of expectations (self-imposed and from others) will set you free.
You can do more than you think. I was honest with myself that I could own a house without a spouse. I had a vision of my future and I didn’t need to stay in a situation I did not want.
Someone with unrealistic expectations will set a nearly impossible goal and give up before they start because of doubt. Set realistic goals, based on what you really want, that you believe you can obtain.
I knew I wanted to complete my bachelor’s degree but gave myself a year break after completing my counseling license. If I pushed myself for a goal I was not ready for, I could have given up before I even started. Based on my time and resources, I knew I would set myself up for success if I didn’t rush.
Be proud of your small daily accomplishments rather than getting self-worth from big accomplishments only.
For example, I needed to give myself credit for saving up money for my own house instead of waiting until I closed on a house to commend myself. Giving yourself credit as you go will help you stay motivated to keep working hard toward your goal.
Don’t try to do everything on your own; you’ll get burnt out. Even if I know I can do it on my own, I ask for help. It’s a healthy balance between independence and depending on others. Asking for help also can get you outside of yourself so you can check where your expectations are.
Not every day will be a good one, but we wouldn’t know what a good day looks like unless we experienced bad ones too. When I have an exceptionally bad day, I tell myself, “Tomorrow can only be better!” When I have an exceptionally good day, I store it in my mind to remember later.
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I believe most things are possible if you put your mind to it. Being honest with yourself about what you really want will allow you to make choices that can lead to a happy, rewarding life.