Tag: dreams
-
How to Make Progress On the Goals You’re Tempted to Give Up On
“To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’.” ~Celestine Chua
Most of us start each year with good intentions. We have a list of things we’re going to start or stop doing. The year feels fresh, and it’s time to be the person that we’ve always wanted to be.
At some point in the year the shine wears off and we start to go back to old patterns and behaviors. Some of us even write off the entire year if we’ve failed at our new years resolutions by the time we hit February, and decide to try again next year. Holding on to the idea that a new year somehow magically makes it possible for us to do better, we postpone change to a later date.
This is a little trick we play on ourselves; it’s a way to opt out of truly engaging in our lives. We’re effectively cheating ourselves and switching off because it’s too hard to keep showing up.
I used to do this every year. I’d set myself impossible goals in January and then as soon as I fell off the wagon, it would be game over.
I’d commit to having no chocolate ever again and then not only eat one but the entire box. I then decided I’d “broken the seal and might as well carry on eating,” I then declared that resolution out of date and postponed it to the following year.
I’d commit to going to the gym three times per week when I know in my heart that I am not a gym person, and then spend the first six weeks of the year finding reasons and ways to talk myself out of it.
I’d obsess about maintaining daily writing streaks because I knew I felt better when I journaled every day, but as soon as I missed a day I’d give up and not touch it until I bought yet another brand new journal to write in for the next year.
My intentions would often fall outside of my circle of influence—for example, deciding that I was going to improve my relationship with my sister by myself, without even talking to her about it so that the onus was on me. Of course, as soon as we had an argument I’d give up because it was “too hard.”
I was always so hard on myself, expecting that somehow I’d magically become this healthy eating, exercise obsessed, creative and brilliant being just by deciding to do so on the first day of the year.
Worse still, I wouldn’t acknowledge that I was probably already a creative and brilliant being, who just needed to unlock these qualities from within herself, because I was too busy scolding myself for not maintaining a streak or meeting impossible goals.
Sound familiar? How do we break this cycle?
1. Set kinder, more manageable intentions.
I’ve found that if I want to be healthier, I need to choose a small goal that’s aligned with that rather than something so big it feels too hard to do. So my intention this month, for example, is to do three minutes of meditation every day, or as many days as I can manage.
The length of time is small so it feels achievable. More importantly, it’s not about having a streak, but about showing up as many days as I can, even if I miss a day or two here or there.
2. Review regularly and gently.
I then check in every week and reflect on how it’s going with my intentions. I’ll celebrate the three or four times I managed to actually commit to them, and gently look at how I might be able to increase that number. What’s getting in the way of me meditating seven days a week? Am I rushing too much in the morning? How could I improve that situation? Or do I feel comfortable with the amount I’m doing and can I celebrate that it’s working?
3. Find a cheer squad.
I’ve noticed if I’ve told somebody else that I’m going to do something there’s a little more gentle pressure to actually do it. It’s not that the other person would be judgmental if I didn’t, but that I’ve verbalized and created this intention outside of myself—and I know that there’s a cheer squad or cheerleader waiting to tell me what a great job I did.
4. Become a cheerleader.
By the same token, supporting other people with their intentions and goals has brought me more focus on my own. Every time members of my online community check in with me to tell me about how they are doing with their intentions so I can cheer them on, it’s a gentle and kind reminder that I also have my own to progress and share with them.
5. Have a plan for when things go wrong.
One of the main reasons we give up on things is that we don’t have a plan for when things go wrong. If I come home late because of a hard day and I haven’t already planned a healthy meal that’s easy to make (or already prepared), then it’s almost a guarantee that I won’t have the energy to think about it and will order a pizza. If I haven’t planned for the possibility of this sort of thing happening, I’m not even equipped to deal with it.
The beauty of this is you learn as you go along. Sometimes things happen that you’re not prepared for and you act out of alignment with your intentions, but then you can look at why it happened (review regularly and gently) and try to put a plan in place for next time.
There will always be some scenarios you haven’t considered, but the pool will get smaller and you’ll be more prepared to stay true to yourself through adversity or temptation when you have plans in place.
I now have emergency meals in my freezer for when I get home and feel too tired to think about what to eat. Obviously, if I really want a pizza, I still order one, but it’s this intentionality of making the choice and being prepared that allows me to feel good about that decision.
6. Remember why you are doing this.
If it starts to get stressful, then you’re making it too hard. Sometimes I get stressed about not having had time to fit in my meditation practice (mostly because I’ve made the mistake of leaving it until later in the day rather than doing it first thing). Getting stressed about something that is meant to make you less stressed doesn’t make any sense.
If your goal is to be less stressed and you don’t have time to do the twenty-minute meditation you planned, why not breathe long and deep for one minute or thirty seconds? That counts. If your goal was to go to the gym and workout for an hour but the day got away from you, why not do five minutes of jumping jacks and running on the spot? That counts.
If you remember your why, you’ll find a workaround that motivates and keeps you going.
One way you can do this is to ask yourself the question: What would this look like if it was easy?
Give yourself permission to break this annual cycle. Be gentler with yourself and just show up and do your best. Surround yourself with people who will cheerlead, and commit to learning every time things don’t go to plan. It’s not about whether this is your year. It’s about the fact that this is your life. Go get it with kindness in your heart.
-
5 Ways Failure Can Be a Blessing in Disguise
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~ Dalai Lama
Recently I received some “bad” news: After years of studying and a nerve-wracking exams procedure, I didn’t make it to the list of the lucky few selected for the upper level public administration job posts.
Having always tried to keep up with a job that made good use of my law degree, while at the same time pursuing my career as a writer, there were times when I questioned whether a law-related job was actually my true calling.
At the time, trying for the public administration exams had seemed like a “best of both worlds” scenario. So, having finally made the difficult decision to take a leap of faith and change my career path, the outcome was certainly not what I had hoped for.
Thus, I was faced with two options: either shrivel up in a corner by the heater, bawling my eyes out for one more shattered dream, or finally establish these new neural pathways I’ve been striving to build this past year of awakening and see the situation for what it really was.
The expected, rather self-pitying reaction was looking at me with tearful puppy eyes, begging me to indulge in it. But this time I chose the new way.
After the initial disappointment, I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the truth of things—that I had done my best for this job opening, and the outcome I was about to fret over was out of my control. I recognized then that I could not change what had happened and I had to accept it. Not surrender, but accept.
As I’ve navigated my recent setback, I’ve pinpointed five ways failure can actually be beneficial.
1. You come to terms with what you can control and what you cannot.
In short, you get to have a first-class, one-on-one encounter with your ego. Because it is your ego, not your true self, that demands to control every single outcome of every single plan and effort you make.
According to Jungian psychology, the ego is made of our own beliefs and ideas about ourselves, whether true or false. That’s why the ego’s very existence depends upon keeping these beliefs intact; it cannot allow them to come crumbling down.
For example, you might think of yourself as the best at your job; so when you end up fretting for days over a mistake you might have made at work, this is your ego trying to control something that is out of its power.
In my recent exams’ case, I too could have barricaded myself behind my belief that I normally perform well at academics, and allowed my ego to keep nagging me about my not attaining my goal—but this time I chose perspective, not ego.
Preparing for a job interview or exam? You can minimize your potential errors by studying thoroughly and keeping yourself in good shape, both physically and mentally. This is what lies within your control: your own choices and attitude.
Beyond that, there’s only the realm of unforeseen, uncontrollable external variables. Things may not turn out as you hoped they would, and there’s nothing you can do to guarantee they do. You can save yourself a lot of heartache by acting but not expecting.
By being aware of what lies within your power and what does not and accepting that certain things are out of your control, you also end the self-pitying, self-victimizing cycles. You stop blaming others, the Universe, external variables, and yourself. Which brings us to my next point.
2. You boost your self-knowledge.
Take a relationship gone bad, for example. Mourning a bit is, of course, part of the equation, but after a while you’ll find it far more rewarding to focus on what you learned about yourself, thanks to this experience.
What are your real needs, your true nature even? What can you stand and what can you not? Once you get clear on the lesson, you’ll be able to make wiser decisions going forward.
When reflecting on my recent professional setback, the major thing I learned about myself was how easily un-grounded and un-mindful I could get whenever the going got tough.
Trying to discover why this was so, I recognized my second lesson: I had to work on my need to control the outcome of my efforts, in all areas of my life.
By choosing to focus on the bigger picture when coping with my “failure,” I was able to move on from it more quickly. I even found myself working on my next novel sooner than I would have, had I remained stuck there, crying over spilled milk that might have even proved not to be my cup of tea.
The greater the impact of a failure, the greater the opportunity to learn about yourself—if you get past the disappointment and, instead of wallowing, spend your time more productively, confronting your weaknesses.
By that I mean taking responsibility for any choices that contributed to your failure and identifying why you might get so worked up each time things don’t go according to your plans. Is it low self-esteem? That fragile ego again, that has learned to exist and breathe only depending on external milestones of success? If yes, then give it a nice goodbye pat on the back and reclaim your true self.
3. You have an opportunity to practice living in the moment.
When you fail at something, you’re reminded that there are no guarantees in the future, and that all that really matters is what you choose to do in the present.
In this way, failure reinforces the importance of mindfulness, the act of being completely present in whatever you’re experiencing here and now.
My career choice “gone bad” also taught me that it can make a plan’s failure sting even more if you put all your energy and hopes on it, at the expense of other plans or areas of your life.
Putting socializing with friends or family on hold, for example, for the sake of devoting yourself to a certain career goal actually deprives you of a very important part of your present. Life happens simultaneously, in all these areas, and we miss out when we focus too intensely on any one specific goal.
Mindfulness isn’t just about appreciating what is; it also enables us to better accept what will be. When we make the conscious choice to take life moment by moment, we become more grounded, and that helps us better adapt when things don’t go according to plan.
4. Failure reminds you to focus on the journey.
I might have sacrificed infinite hours studying Macroeconomics and other subjects entirely outside my area of expertise, in pursuit of the career change I ultimately didn’t manage to achieve; but this arduous procedure has left me with precious and detailed knowledge on subject matters I would have otherwise never acquired. My newly obtained knowledge on economics even helped me with the novel I’m currently writing!
Also, on this difficult journey I met many co-travelers who shared the same goal and the same struggles, and whom I now regard as my best of friends.
Do you really regret meeting all the people you met, learning the things you learned, and growing through your journey, even though it didn’t get you where you wanted? Nothing is a waste of time and energy if you gain through the experience.
5. You open yourself up to something even better down the road.
Some years ago, I had the unfortunate experience of growing close to someone suffering from covert narcissistic personality disorder. Before then, I knew nothing about this condition and only began learning about it after I’d been gaslighted by this person’s inconsistent behavior long enough.
The thing is, until that moment of revelation, I’d been beating myself over why I couldn’t make this relationship work, and had considered the whole thing my failure. After that, I realized how this “failure” had protected me from getting deeper involved in something that wasn’t healthy for me, and how it opened me up to a better relationship in the future.
From this experience, I learned that we shouldn’t spend so much time getting depressed in front of a closed door that we miss the window that has opened for us a few blocks down the road.
Have you ever spent nights crying over unfulfilled dreams, only to recognize later that, if they had been granted to you when you wanted them, you wouldn’t have set out on the amazing journeys you ended up taking because those dreams didn’t come true?
Yes, I know you have. And if you’re going through the aftermath of one more “failure” right now, know that amazing journeys are ahead for you now too.
The good old adage “everything happens for a reason” is good and old for a reason.
-
3 Steps to Rocket Your Creative Dreams into the Stratosphere
“Do your art every day, no matter how crappy your day is.” ~Ksenia Anske
I was definitely the weird kid. The boy who played with invisible friends out there on the playground during recess. I had what you might call “a rich inner life.”
I guess that’s expected when you’re in grade school. All cool. But as I got older the world began to get unkind. Like the day I realized the stories in my head weren’t really real. Or when that jock guy called me an “art fag” in front of everybody. Or when all the girls said I was weird.
By junior high I did my best to hide my creative heart. It was far too vulnerable. So guess what. I was never really seen. Not in the hallways or the classrooms or the cafeteria. Not at home. Not anywhere. It was just too f’ing scary.
During my college years I finally began to crawl out of my shell. It was always a struggle. I often dealt with it through poetry or lyrics to songs I was writing.
Uptown
by Electron Love Theory
I go uptown, ‘cause there’s a fire in my head
I do downtown, ‘cause there’s no one in my bed
I go around town to try to find a friend
I go inbound because I must defend myself
Eventually I connected with plenty of other creative types—secret poets, guitar gods, heavenly painters, misfit photographers. I learned to embrace my weirdness. My creative flow. The strange and beautiful words, images, and music that poured from my soul. Over time I became less afraid. I practiced my crafts and began to shine my heart in the world.
It took years and years of bloody battles (which still occasionally surface) before I could fully be who I knew I was. An artist. A musician. A writer. A filmmaker. A healer. A teacher.
Since then I’ve won a major award for my music. I made a film about a wise and magical barista that got picked up for international distribution. Had nearly a million spins of my music on Pandora. Shot a zillion photos. Taught college students to rock. Practiced NLP. And wrote a book about how to get your creative dreams off the ground.
Even with this considerable success my fragile heart has been battered with plenty of pain, loss, and disappointment along the way. I’ve bloodied my head from banging against a whole lot of walls (both real and imagined). Many times I’ve sweated oceans of effort without money or recognition as compensation. And that’s okay.
I want to share what I’ve learned with you. Because through my own self-expression I’ve learned more and more about who I am. I’ve freed worlds of pain. I’ve healed shadow parts. These are the real successes.
I know, without a doubt, that your creativity is a beacon of truth and healing. It needs to be known. It takes courage, but it’s worth it.
Ready for the first few steps? Hell yeah!
Step 1: Declare Your Dream
It’s easy to spend half the day in your head. It’s kind of the default. Unless you’re really engaged in something, we tend to think. And that thinking tends to be in circles. You know what I’m talking about.
When you’re contemplating your dream—whether it’s taking a watercolor class, building a sculpture out of gumdrops, or busting out a short film script about a vampire who loves disco dancing—it has a much better chance of making it to reality if you announce it loud and clear to your people.
If your people are solid, they will get behind you. They will support you. They will want you to succeed. But the fact is that not everybody in the world is in the space to give you what you need. They may be lost in their own nonsense, negativity, or self-doubt. So choose your people carefully.
What should you declare? Whatever it is, it needs to have these components.
What exactly you’re going to do
State your vision as clearly as possible. Make sure it’s under your control. It’s well within your control to write a movie script about a dancing vampire. It’s not in your control to sell it to Steven Speilberg. (Although it is in your control to try!)
Why you’re going to do it
There are always reasons why we do things. Check in to make sure you’re doing your thing for a reason that matters to you.
Maybe you’re writing about the vampire because music and dancing saved your life (and you identify as goth). Expressing that gratitude is a big deal. Even if it’s in the form of a cheesy youtube video.
When you’ll do it and when it’ll be done
Important! Without a deadline your goal will quickly fall down the to-do list. So make a deadline. Better yet, make several short-term, smaller deadlines. Like having the script outline done in a month. The first draft done a month after that. And the final draft done by your birthday. So you can go out dancing to celebrate (while wearing fangs).
How your people will know that it happened
It is not your person or gang’s problem to reach out to you to find out if you did what you said you were going to do. It is your responsibility. This is key.
You could announce your progress via email every Friday at 5:00. Or Sunday night. Or on the specific deadline dates. Just ask your pals to be receptive and to give you a thumbs up on your milestones. Or maybe they want to give you gold stars. Or buy you lattes.
Declare your dream. Become accountable. Not just to yourself, but to the people who love you and want you to succeed.
Step 2: Start Before You’re Ready
Is anyone really ready? Hell no. I’m certainly not.
Seven years ago I somehow landed a gig teaching college students to write songs. I don’t read music. I barely know theory. And although it’s true that I have tons of third party cred that I’m a pretty kick ass songwriter, I was freaked out and intimated by the job. But I put on my big boy pants, started sweating bullets, and walked in there that first day like I was king of the studio.
There were some pretty huge missteps but soon enough I got a clue. Since then one of my students has won a national songwriting award. Another sang backup on a hit song. After struggling for weeks, one guy who was previously frozen with fear had a major breakthrough. He turned to me and said, “I finally remember why I love music so much.”
We need to find the moxie to start before we’re ready. It’s good for us. And perhaps it’s even better for the people who we touch. The ones we empower with our creations. With our example of courage.
Be bold. Start now. Before you’re ready.
Step 3: Say “Yes, and ______.”
Ever get the feeling that life is a bit like improv comedy? I do. Maybe it’s because I took an improv comedy class. (I wasn’t ready for this either;)
One of the main tenets of improv comedy is to say “Yes, and ____.”
This simply means that you need to accept reality—whether you like it or not— and then add something of value to the story.
In an improv exercise the reality might be that we’re all waiting for the bus and it starts raining hundred dollar bills. Or the doctor comes in wearing a Homer Simpson costume. Or your lover suddenly grows six arms.
Whatever it is, you just kind of have to deal with it. Then take the story somewhere. It’s fun. It’s an interactive game. It forces you to think fast.
Life is improv. Sometimes it’s comedy. Sometimes it’s tragedy. But it’s always improv in one way or another.
Accept whatever the world hands you. Then figure out how to add something interesting, funny, powerful, or helpful to it. Your life will open up. Guaranteed.
Example:
“Hey, friend. You’re not gonna believe this but my iPhone takes pretty good pictures.”
“Cool! Wanna write lines of poetry on cardboard signs, ask strangers on the street to hold them up, and take photos of the whole thing?”
It’s that easy. Say “Yes, and ____.”
The Sweet and Tasty Wrap up
These are simple ideas. But if you step up and into them, they’ll also become delicious. Although it may take a while to get to the good part. Like a tootsie pop.
Yeah, it takes work, courage, and conviction. Of course it’s going to get challenging. I hope so, anyway. If you don’t feel like quitting once in awhile you probably haven’t picked a goal that’s worth doing.
But please, please, please step into your creative dream. Whatever it is for you. It’s worth the effort.
Expressing your truth frees your soul. Opens your heart. And heals your life. Whether it’s through story, images, performance or anything else, creativity is simply not a luxury item. It’s part of what makes us human. And part of what connects us to each other in joy, sorrow, pain and love.
What have you started before you were ready?
How has creativity healed you?
What are you going to say “Yes, and ____” to?
-
Overcoming the Fear That Stands Between You and Your Dreams
“A few rare individuals refuse to have limited lives. They drive through tremendous amounts of pain—from rejections and failures to shorter moments of embarrassment and anxiety. Because they avoid nothing, they can pursue their highest aspirations. They seem more alive than the rest of us.” ~Phil Stutz and Barry Michels
If you were to see me in a social situation, you’d think that I’m confident.
And in most informal social settings, I am. Now.
I love people, love hearing their stories, so most of the time I trust my ability to relate and connect.
But this wasn’t always the case.
These were skills I had to re-learn.
During adolescence, probably as a result of my parents’ divorce and going to a new school where I felt completely out of my depth, I lost my natural childhood confidence.
Approaching new people felt very hard.
I would often spend break times at school pretending to be busy doing work, to avoid the shame of having to go up to a group and ask whether I could sit with them and face the potential humiliation of being told no.
It was a very lonely time.
For most of my high school career I avoided reaching out unless I was pretty certain of a favorable response.
Then I left school and took a gap year and needed to make money, so I started a job waiting tables.
I was perfectly capable of upgrading to waiting tables after the mandatory month of training (when I was responsible for clearing plates and setting tables but didn’t have to engage much with customers). But I was so afraid of the having to approach people and the deal with the uncertainty of how they would respond to me that I declined and continued to train for another two months.
Eventually it got ridiculous and I had to take the risk.
I can still remember my first few months waitressing.
I was terrified to approach new people and initially would try to avoid it by giving tables away.
But then something interesting happened. By now I wanted to buy a car, and the pain of being dependent on others for transport was greater than the pain of the potential rejection, so I started to force myself out of my comfort zone—and I started to enjoy it.
I started to enjoy the uncertainty and the challenge. I realized I loved meeting people from different places and hearing about their lives.
This increasing confidence and enjoyment of connecting with people has been key in helping me accomplish a number of my dreams, especially in relation to my work.
I’ve gotten several jobs through being able to connect with people, who then recommended me when an opening opened up (though this was not my initial intention when connecting with them).
My challenge now is to develop the same confidence I have in informal social situations and apply it to performance situations. This is still an area where I struggle with performance anxiety and feel self-conscious.
So I will continue to use the ideas below myself!
1. Our minds play tricks on us.
As Alison Ledgerwood, Ph.D, says in her TED talk entitled Getting Stuck in the Negatives (and How to Get Unstuck), our minds are built to look for negative information and hold onto it. Failures stick in our minds longer than successes do.
What that meant for me is that in most cases, I was massively overestimating the potential for shame and rejection from each new interaction. But I was also underestimating my capacity to cope, should my worst fears ever come true. (In hindsight, I don’t think that even the most challenging experiences came close to the horror stories my mind was telling me were possible.)
My mind kept reminding me of all the pain of failures I had previously experienced, rather than the times it had all worked out fine.
Alison Ledgerwood advises: “Our minds may be built to look for negative information and to hold onto it. But we can also retrain our minds if we put some effort into it and start to see that the glass may be a little more full than we initially thought.”
Love that!
2. Just as our minds play tricks on us, we can trick our minds.
It turns out that how we interpret the feelings of fear is the key to determining whether we’re able to engage or whether we avoid.
While most of us tell ourselves to calm down and stop worrying when we feel afraid, research out of Harvard shows that this standard response to stress may be well meant, but it’s also wrong. Instead of trying to calm ourselves down, we should aim to get excited, suggests Alison Wood Brooks, Ph. D of Harvard Business School.
Huh?
I was definitely not excited at the thought of approaching tables with the possibility of being shamed and humiliated.
But trust me, this works.
Why is that?
“When people feel anxious and try to calm down, they are thinking about all the things that could go badly. When they are excited, they are thinking about how things could go well,” Wood Brooks explains.
Even if you don’t believe it at first, when you say it repeatedly, authentic feelings of excitement increase.
Fake it until you become it!
The fact that you’re reading this post is testament that this works. For years I’ve been wanting to write, but my own anxiety and self-doubt held me back. Now when I sit down to write and feel myself becoming anxious I repeat “I’m excited, I love sharing ideas with people” over and over again.
After a few minutes I can feel myself actually start to believe it, and I feel more able to write.
3. On the other side of fear is your limitless potential.
This is an idea from therapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels from their book The Tools. They describe how we all tend to avoid emotional pain, but that this dramatically limits our potential.
We need to know that our infinite potential exists on the other side of our comfort zones, and if we want to actualize our potential we need to break through it.
They advise that we need to condition ourselves to get excited about the challenges in our lives, and instead of avoiding fear and pain we need to run straight at them screaming “BRING IT ON!!”
I know this to be true.
When I’ve had the presence of mind to remember this idea and keep going, rather than avoid, I find myself in a strange and unfamiliar place. It’s a feeling of absolute freedom—of not being limited by what you fear.
And as a recovering worrier, that feels very good.
Here’s how I’m using it to help me develop my confidence in performance situations. Mostly when I think of something that I want to do that makes me feel anxious, my tendency is to procrastinate and avoid it.
But now, when I notice that fear (and the intense discomfort it can bring), instead of avoiding, I tell myself something along the lines of: “Great, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone and my capability. Bring it on!”
This allows me to move from avoidance into engagement.
The more I repeat this cycle, the easier it becomes to do the things I fear (mostly because I see that the thing I’m terrified of happening doesn’t actually happen).
While I can’t go back in time and change the course of my younger self’s life, every day I’m faced with choices that determine whether I move toward becoming what, deep down, I have a feeling I’m capable of becoming, or step back into my comfort zone to avoid risking humiliation.
What I now know is that the feeling of letting yourself down—the disappointment and unravelling confidence with each retreat—is far more painful than what is out there beyond the safety of what’s familiar.
-
How to Stop Doubting Yourself So You Can Go After Your Dreams
“The gap between what we do and what we’re capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.” ~Gandhi
I have lived most of my life with a challenging contradiction.
I am a hopeless idealist and dreamer. And I have also dealt with high levels of anxiety, worry, and doubt, especially as an adult.
You can probably already see how this can go horribly wrong!
I’d have an idea of something I’d like to do.
An idea that would excite and thrill me. I would feel energized—enthusiastic and excited about the possibility of making a dream a reality. Then I’d hit a challenge or obstacle. And the doubt would come.
Sometimes the result would be so subtle that I wouldn’t even notice its effects—that I was avoiding doing things to make my idea happen.
Like when I decided to relearn piano as an adult, something I’d loved as a child and would lose myself in playing for hours, especially during the challenging times growing up. I had been heartbroken when I had to give it up because we had to return the piano I’d been using to practice on.
As a gift to myself I bought a piano.
I was so excited. It felt so good to be giving attention to part of myself that I felt had been neglected.
But as I practiced I struggled.
And I started to doubt whether I’d be able to master the skills that had seemed to come so easily as a child.
The frustration built and I started putting in less and less effort and time. I eventually gave it up amid excuses about not having the time.
Other times the effects of the doubt were far more obvious and painful—the fear, endless procrastination, frustration, and eventual defeat. Another idea relegated to the dusty pile of unfulfilled potential.
The older I got, the harder this cycle became. I became more and more frustrated and filled with a sense of urgency to try and follow through with my ideas.
It felt like time was running out.
It got to a point where, in hindsight I realize, I was depressed, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’d lost my confidence in myself and my ability to do the things that really mattered to me.
I’d love to say that I was able to turn this around in the five easy steps that we’re all craving.
The reality is that it was a long and non-linear journey of self-discovery, voracious learning, experimentation, trial and error, and small successes and failures, until one day I realized that something had profoundly changed at the core of my being.
I trusted myself again.
I had rediscovered something that I knew had always been there. That sense of confident learning and experimentation that small children have, when they push themselves to their limits without the fear of being judged or shamed for making mistakes.
I could take risks again. Small at first to build confidence. It felt so good. I felt alive, filled with hope and possibility.
Now when I have an idea I am able to act on it (well, most of the time anyway!), and sustain the energy and motivation over long time periods in order for the idea to become a reality.
Transforming the Self-Doubt Habit
If anything of my experience resonates with you, then you have it too. The self-doubt habit.
And, in fact, if you’re human, you definitely have it. As Stephen Pressfield wrote in his book Do the Work, “We’re wrong to think we’re the only ones struggling with resistance. Everyone who has a body experiences resistance.” (Resistance is the word he uses to refer to fear/worry/self-doubt—anything that takes you away from doing the thing that matters).
Now that I have recognized this profoundly destructive habit in myself, I see it everywhere and hear it in the way people talk about themselves and their ideas.
“I would love to do this, but I don’t think I can.” “That would be my dream, but it would probably never happen.”
“But what if I am not good enough?”
Sound familiar?
And the outcome? We conclude: “Why even bother trying?” We give up before investing the necessary effort that would lead to a successful outcome.
Two ideas have been key in helping me both recognize this destructive habit and being able to mitigate the effects so that I can build my confidence in my ability to do the things that matter to me.
1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
Dr Russ Harris, author of The Confidence Gap, describes the confidence gap as the place we get stuck when fear gets in the way of our dreams and ambitions. We believe that we can’t achieve or even work on our goals until we feel more confident.
This, he says, is the wrong rule of confidence.
The first rule of confidence is: “The actions of confidence come first, the feelings come later.”
Lightbulb moment for me.
I realized that I had been putting off some many things, waiting for the day when I would magically feel more confident!
Recognizing that this day would probably never come, I started experimenting with strategies and ideas to help me start taking small steps, which, despite the fear and doubt, helped me build my confidence over time.
2. You can always get better.
The other body of work that profoundly shifted my thinking and helped me to take confident action was the work of Carol Dweck, Ph.D, author of Mindset.
Through her research at Stanford University, she found that people could be generally divided into two categories depending on their beliefs about themselves—either “fixed” or “growth” mindset.
People with fixed mindsets believe that their talents and intelligence are fixed, so they spend their lives trying to prove themselves. Their self-worth is always on the line, and failure is to be avoided at all costs. When they do experience failure, they feel intense shame and see it as proof of not being good enough.
People with growth mindsets believe that talents and intelligence can be developed through effort and practice, so they take on challenges so they can grow and learn. Challenges are to be embraced as the path to fulfilling potential and learning.
Another huge aha for me.
I realized that I had been operating with a fixed mindset.
When I started to work on an idea, whether I was working on a creative project or trying to develop a new skill, like learning to play the piano, I’d give up as soon as I struggled. Struggle for me equalled “I can’t”; I’m not good enough.”
However, when I could recognize my thinking and see it from a growth mindset perspective, I could catch that thought and say to myself, “I am learning, I can get better with practice,” which allowed me to keep putting in the effort needed to develop my skills and become more confident in the area.
I could reframe struggle as evidence that I was learning rather than a sign of some innate flaw that I needed to be ashamed about.
This one mindset shift has alone had the biggest impact in helping me keep being able to take action.
Action steps:
1. Do whatever you can to become aware of your thoughts during the day.
What are you saying to yourself? How are you talking about yourself to other people? Meditate, journal, do whatever it takes. It is the most important thing that you can do for yourself.
2. Make a conscious effort to eliminate any thoughts or talk that undermines you.
Change it to a growth mindset. Instead of self-doubt thoughts like “What if I can’t” or “What if I’m not good enough” try thoughts like “I am learning, it is challenging but I with practice and effort I will get better” and ask yourself questions like: “What is one thing I can do today to increase my chances of succeeding?”
Practice this new mindset over and over and over again until it becomes a habit. As Tynan says in Superhuman by Habit, “New habits are things that you do, but old habits are things that you are.”
-
Switching Paths: You Can Live an Exciting, Fulfilling Life
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
Lights out. Eyes closed. We biked through an imaginary trail. Our guide shouted the magic word, “switch,” and we knew it was time. We began using our minds to visualize where we wanted to be.
I imagined biking down my favorite street in a city abroad.
I enjoyed feeling the bumpy ride on the uneven pavement, looking at the clothes line-drying from beautiful ancient buildings, smelling delicious aromas from local cafés, and listening to the different languages that people were speaking around me.
My heart felt full. I felt happy.
The instructor told our group to shout the word “switch” whenever we felt the urge, and each person had the choice to either stay where they were or switch their path.
I felt every muscle working, my heart pumping, the energy soaring within and around me. Hearing that powerful word pushed me to courageously continue on the path that felt right to me. I did not want to switch back.
I felt fearless.
Then the class ended. My eyes opened, the lights turned on, and I was still in the same place. I was left with the idea of that path, and I knew I wanted to be riding down it more than anything.
Playing this game in my college spinning class reminded me that we all have the ability to create the life we want, but we must be willing to get uncomfortable and embrace change.
Which Path Would You Choose?
There’s a path we are taught we “should” follow, a path that we learn about early on from our family, friends, and teachers. There is also a path that is true to our heart, a path that feels right to each of us individually.
For a long time, I lived as a people pleaser and had difficulty making my own choices without getting approval from others. I wanted to switch paths, but I was afraid I would disappoint the people I loved the most.
A while back, I realized that I had lost my way to the path that inspired me. I had become too comfortable because I had ignored my heart for so long, and I did not know how to make a change.
I had recently completed my bachelor’s degree and started teaching. I had a loving family, great friends, a perfect puppy, a motivating job, and many materialistic comforts surrounding me. But deep down inside, I felt like something was missing.
I had the urge to explore, to travel, and discover the unknown. But I wouldn’t allow myself to follow these urges because the people I cared about and respected perceived them as irrational.
However, “Switch” reminded me that I am free to choose the path I want to go down, and it ignited the power I have within myself to make it there. So I decided to incorporate “Switch” into my real life.
My switch was leaving everything that felt familiar to participate in a six-month work/study abroad program.
Most people in the program were eighteen, and I was twenty-four. Many people questioned why I wanted to do this at my age. But I knew why, and that was all that mattered.
I was going to live in the Middle East for six months. I would learn a new language, volunteer wherever I was needed, share a room with two eighteen-year-old strangers, and meet ninety people from twenty-six different countries.
I was bursting with excitement but scared out of my mind, because this would push me out of my comfort zone, and I had no idea what other changes in my life would stem from this big switch.
The moment I stepped on the plane, there was no turning back. My life was changed forever.
Incorporating “Switch” into Your Life
Each one of us has the ability to choose the life we want to live, and to change direction throughout the course of our lives.
Opportunities for change may become limited after we take on more commitments and responsibilities, and our families grow. But there are still options available to us. If we are willing to get creative and are open to change, we can follow our interests at any stage in our lives.
Your switch can be minor or more dynamic. Switch is about what you need and what works for you.
If you feel that you are on a path that is not true to your heart, if you have pushed yourself to pedal along but think you are heading in the wrong direction, if you are afraid of change or are ready to make some changes, employ these five strategies to help you switch and begin living the life you want to live.
1. Incorporate minor switches into your life.
Switch the way you drive to work, switch up your schedule, switch your usual restaurant.
Minor switches prepare you to make larger changes in your life, and enable you to get out of your comfort zone and live the life you want to live.
2. Visualize what would make you fulfilled.
Allow yourself to veer off the “should” path and imagine yourself going on a ride to find what’s true to your heart. Focus. Create a picture in your mind and really try to be there.
What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? How are you doing it? How do you feel doing it, and why?
It’s all too easy to go through life trying to please everyone else, without ever identifying what you value and what interests you. But in order to change paths, you first need to visualize one that excites you.
3. Identify small switches you can make to work toward your goals.
There are always possibilities for us to enhance our lives if we are willing to get creative.
You could take a night class to work toward learning something new; search for free workshops or events (in person or online) that intrigue you; begin a book, debate, or art club with your friends; and/or try something that will make you feel good, such as yoga, dancing, or volunteering, independently or with your family.
Don’t stress about making a major switch. Not everyone can drop everything and travel abroad (and not everyone wants to). The goal is to identify tiny steps you can take to work toward that life you envisioned.
4. Don’t attach to your worries.
It’s natural to want to please the people we love, but try to let go of any expectations you feel from others, or ones you might have created for yourself.
If you start worrying about what other people might think of you or fearing their judgment, remind yourself that this is just a story in your head, and you don’t have to attach to it.
I have learned that the people who truly care about you will be there to support you wherever your path may take you. You might be surprised when you find out who that is, but they will be the ones that set you free, and you’ll both know that it isn’t goodbye forever.
5. Prepare to be at least a little uncomfortable.
Whenever we try something new, even if it’s something we’ve always wanted to do, it can feel a little scary and uncomfortable. But that feeling fades over time, as we stretch our comfort zone, and we usually end up feeling glad that we pushed ourselves to grow.
For example, taking my first spinning class was uncomfortable for me, but over time, challenging myself felt good. It had a meaningful impact on my mind and body. It also ended up leading me to the game “Switch,” and helped me identify the major switch I wanted to make in my life. You never know what you’ll discover about yourself when you get a little uncomfortable.
—
It’s never too late to live a life that excites you. Develop a “switch” mindset, and allow yourself to take the first steps toward the life you want to live.
Excited man image via Shutterstock
-
We’re Only Guaranteed Today, So Stop Waiting for Tomorrow
“If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you’d want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.” ~Sarah Dessen
Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience to make us face our fears and start living the life we truly desire.
I spent many years letting fear hold me back from pursuing my dreams. I was afraid that I would not be good enough, strong enough, or smart enough to accomplish the big goals I had for myself. I didn’t think I was special and I definitely didn’t think I deserved to be successful.
The day that all changed was the day my father nearly died of a heart attack. I didn’t know it at the time and I never imagined anything good would come from that experience, but to say that day dramatically changed my life would be an understatement.
That day, we were told my father had about a 1% chance of living and if he did, he would likely have brain damage.
The weeks that followed led my family and me on an emotional roller coaster. My dad slowly improved, but his memory was lacking. It was devastating to us when he couldn’t remember the Disney vacation we just went on or that he had a seven-month-old grandson.
By some miracle, my father made a full recovery and is back to his old self. It was impossible to imagine that he could ever recover from the state he was in on that very first day in the hospital. Seeing the transformation in my father over those few weeks truly opened my eyes to what is possible in this life.
I did a lot of thinking in those few weeks while my dad was recovering. I decided I needed to stop letting fear get the best of me and start taking action toward my goals each day.
In just eight months after my father’s heart attack, I have traveled solo (which was completely outside of my comfort zone), enrolled in a health coaching course, enrolled back in college to finally finish my bachelor’s degree, quit my job, and started my health coaching business.
I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been. I get to spend more time with my kids and I get to do things that truly make happy each day. I am helping people transform their lives by prioritizing their health. I have less stress and anxiety and way more energy than I’ve ever had before.
The experience of almost losing my father taught me valuable lessons that have helped me transform my life, and I hope that by sharing them they will inspire you to do the same.
Cherish Your Loved Ones
At the end of the day, if I had nothing else in my life but the people I loved most, I would be content and happy. Your loved ones are there for you during the good and the bad times. They are often your cheerleaders and support system, and their love is unconditional.
Prior to my father’s heart attack, I often let work and my busy life get in the way of prioritizing time for those that mattered most. It was common for me to go weeks without speaking to my sister, months without seeing my best friend, and I even lost touch with some of my closest friends.
When I was told that I may possibly lose my father, all I could think about was that I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks and that I would give anything to talk to him again.
It’s so important to cherish your loved ones and make the time for them because when they are no longer around you will wish you had one more moment to spend with them.
Too often, we get busy in life and forget about the importance of staying connected to those we love most. Call your mom, visit your friend, and make the most of the short time you have on this planet before it’s too late.
Prioritize Your Health
If you want to live a long and healthy life, you must start prioritizing your health. I truly believe anything you want in life is possible as long as you have your health.
I’ve been health conscious for many years now, but it wasn’t until my father nearly died from a heart attack, a disease that is highly preventable through a healthy diet and lifestyle, that I actually experienced what can happen if you don’t take care of your health and body.
This made me realize that I needed to share my knowledge and passion for health with as many people as possible to hopefully prevent someone from going through a similar situation as my father.
It’s time to stop with all of the excuses of why it’s too hard or there’s not enough time to eat healthy or exercise. Trust me, nothing else will matter if you get sick or pass away tomorrow because you didn’t make an effort to be as healthy as possible today.
Stop Taking Everything So Seriously
Too often we get caught up focusing on all of the little problems and challenges we face on a daily basis. We stress and worry about things that we have no control over. We obsess over our flaws or mistakes and waste time trying to fix them.
For years, I’ve worried and stressed over the little things in life. I stressed over the little mistakes I made at work, not being the “perfect” parent, or not being thin enough. I was a people pleaser, extremely self-conscious, and avoided any uncomfortable situations. My feelings were easily hurt and I simply took everything way too seriously.
The truth is, when you are faced with life or death, these so-called issues do not seem to matter at all. You will not care if you missed that deadline or what that stranger thinks of you. These challenges and insecurities are a part of life, but do not need to take over your life.
Life is Too Short
The harsh reality is that before you know it your life will be over. We are only ever guaranteed today, so stop waiting for tomorrow.
If you want to quit your job, make a plan and do it. If you want to find your soul mate, then put yourself out there and find him/her. It took my father’s near-death experience to wake me up and realize that I needed to make a change in my life. Don’t wait for a tragedy to happen before you get your act together.
You Are Enough
I let fear and self-doubt hold me back for years, and I know I’m not alone. We all struggle with fear, self-doubt, and shame and we allow it to take over our lives. Successful and happy people are the ones who experience these feelings, but follow their desires anyway.
Whether you believe it or not, you are enough and you deserve to be happy. It has taken me a while to come to terms with this and I still work at it every day, but I now know that I am enough… and so are you.
Woman running image via Shutterstock
-
Life Goes by Too Quickly to Postpone Our Dreams
“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” ~Paul Valery
As I am sitting at my desk, looking out the window, I am contemplating if I should fly to Germany or not.
My father has been very sick for the past three years. I spent three months in Germany last year to have some time with him and help him get better. He finally recovered and I flew back home to Miami.
When I talked to my stepmom the other day, she gave me the news though that my father had a relapse and seems to be worse than ever.
My first instinct was to get on the next plane to go see him. My father refuses. He doesn’t want me to come. He doesn’t want me to see him suffer, so he prefers I stay home while he is waiting for a place in the clinic.
Situations like these make you realize how precious life is. Everything we take for granted can be gone in a heartbeat. Knowing that, why do we keep procrastinating? Why do we keep postponing our dreams?
We always think the time is not right, we don’t have the resources we need, we don’t have enough knowledge, we don’t have any support; the list is endless.
I was just like that. I always dreamed of going full-time with my personal training business. But even though I felt depressed, kind of empty inside, and even useless once in a while, and I had a day job I wasn’t passionate about that seemed meaningless to me, I kept making excuses.
I kept telling myself, there are too many trainers out there, I won’t be able to make a living, it’s going to be too hard, I am not skilled enough, I am not fit enough, I am not outgoing enough, and—my all-time favorite—right now is just not the right time to take the leap.
You know what though? The time is never right! We will never feel ready and the conditions will never be perfect.
My father’s illness made me realize that I don’t want to continue living this way. When my time comes I want to be able to say “I tried.” No ifs and buts.
Last year I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and promised myself that I would make it happen. I wouldn’t let doubt, fear, or excuses stop me. I quit my dreaded job at the hotel and jumped head first into my entrepreneurial journey.
It hasn’t been easy; I keep making mistakes, and I keep learning. Believe me when I say, you can’t come up with anything the tiny little voice in my head hasn’t already thrown at me.
You might think you don’t have the resources to make your dreams a reality, but believe me, you do, and if you don’t, you can get them. You know enough to get started, and the rest you will learn while you’re on your way.
Your family and friends don’t support you? Find other support systems! Go online, check out groups, go to seminars, events, meet knew likeminded people. If you don’t have a support system, create one!
We think we have all the time in the world to pursue our dreams, but the reality is we don’t know how much time is left. You might have fifty years, twenty years, or you could be gone tomorrow. Do you really want to look back at the end of your life and ask “what if”?
Now is the time to make your dreams a reality.
You want to build your own company? Make a plan, start networking, and check out financing options.
You want to travel the world? Start selling the stuff you don’t need, make a list of countries you want to visit, start figuring out ways to earn money while you are on the road.
Okay, okay, I know what you’re about to say: This sounds great but it’s not that easy. And you are right. We all have responsibilities; we have monthly bills we have to pay, maybe a mortgage, and some of us have children to care for.
I’m not telling you to drop everything you worked for and throw all security measures out the window. My point is that we need to follow our passions; we need to remember what makes us smile, what makes us laugh, what makes us happy.
Sometimes even small steps in the direction of our dreams are enough to bring us back to the present moment and allow us to enjoy life again.
Maybe on the way you realize that having your own company or traveling the world won’t actually make you fulfilled. Or you come to realize that you are indeed on the right path and that you do want to make drastic changes in your life, and then you accept the sacrifices you have to make.
But in order to find out what it really is that gives you joy, you need to start shooting for the stars.
But people will think I’m crazy! It’s too risky! I’m scared!
This is your life. It doesn’t matter what other people think. You deserve to create a life you don’t need a vacation from. You deserve to be able to look back on your life with a smile on your face instead of regret in your heart.
Yes, it is scary, and yes, it might be risky, but if you don’t try you will never find out what could have been. Take every opportunity you get. You might fall once in a while. That’s okay.
I still struggle. I still get anxious because I have months where I try to figure out how to pay my bills. And sometimes I have this awesome idea for a new program and invest all my time into making it happen, just to find out that I was the only one who thought it was a great idea.
It happens. Let’s take things like this as a lesson learned, get back up, and do it again. Just don’t let these challenges convince you that you should give up.
I pray every single day that my father will recover and I will be able to spend a lot more time with him. But even if he doesn’t, I know he won’t go with a lot of regret. He always enjoyed his life, did what he wanted, said what he wanted, and didn’t care about the opinions of others.
Let’s take that as an example, and let’s keep pushing our dreams forward and make them a reality. We deserve it!
Reaching for the stars image via Shutterstock
-
How to Overcome Fear and Live Your Dream by Changing Your Brain
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” ~Les Brown
Fear used to be the driving force in my life.
I didn’t even know that I was living in fear at the time. I hid behind labels like “stress” and “anxiety,” but those are just clinical terms for fear.
Truthfully, my dreams terrified me because they seemed way too big to achieve. At the time, I wanted to excel in my new career, get into the best shape of my life, and create meaningful relationships—and I felt like I had a long way to go.
So naturally, I got really stressed out.
And why, oh why, did it feel okay?
It seems like stress is such commonplace now that we think we’re slackers if we don’t feel tense all the time. But that’s just our fear finding excuses to stick around.
Once I finally realized that stress was just an option, I started looking for a way through it. And I found the answers in a simple Japanese philosophy called Kaizen, which is the practice of continuous improvement through small, consistent steps.
I learned that whenever we’re scared about making change it’s because the steps we’re taking are too big, and these leaps of faith will trigger a life-saving biological response: fear.
But luckily, there’s a way to turn that fear off, and it all starts with your brain, specifically your amygdala.
Shut Down Your Amygdala by Asking Tiny Questions
Your amygdala plays a heavy role in your fight-or-flight response, a physiological reaction to something threatening (like those big dreams of yours).
When you come across a scary thought or situation, your brain will enter flight mode and your amygdala will literally stop your brain from producing new thoughts. Most artists know this as creative block, but it’s really just fear.
So your big dreams aren’t the problem—your amygdala is. And you can turn your amygdala off by asking tiny questions.
When I decided that I wanted to excel in my career, I didn’t start out with a question like “How can I help my company revolutionize the world?” No. That question would terrify even the most capable person.
Instead, I took a step back and asked tiny questions. I thought about things like “What one benefit do I hope to deliver to our audience?” Or, “What can I do for ten minutes today that will bring me closer to completing this project?”
Tiny questions like that aren’t intimidating at all.
In fact, they’re quite doable.
Eradicate Fear by Taking Small, Relentless Steps
Once you start asking tiny questions, then you can start taking tiny actions.
The key is to pick things that are small enough to keep your amygdala from getting in the way.
And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions never work. For example, on January 1st we decide that we want to lose twenty pounds and completely give up chocolate; so we restrict our calories and give up our vice all at the same time.
When you put yourself up against a mountain, the big steps you’re forced to take will trigger your flight response and ultimately lead to stress and burnout.
If you want to achieve a big goal, you have to break it up into tiny steps.
I used this tiny-step tactic when I started focusing on becoming healthier. I didn’t do anything radical—although that’s how it started out, and I had to fail over and over until I realized radical wouldn’t work.
Instead, I took the slow and steady route, and it was brutally slow. It took me about two years to really gain momentum, but it trained me to reject instant gratification and just go slow.
First, I started avoiding processed foods, and I focused on that until I mastered it. Then, I started focusing on only eating until I’m full, and I focused on that until I mastered it.
Then I started going to the gym two days a week and I kept it up until I gained the momentum I needed to go four days a week.
I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but I proved to myself (and hopefully to you) that small steps are much more successful at making big change.
And I’ve become the healthiest version of myself because of it.
Get Excited—It’s a Fearless Emotion
But what about the people who don’t do tiny things? What about the people who do really big things and do them exceptionally well?
These people have a very special talent: They know how to get really excited about their goals, and excitement is another way to keep your flight response off.
So if you want to successfully achieve your dreams, you need to get excited about them! It will help you avoid fear and take projects on with enthusiasm.
For example, my boss just gave me approval to write a book, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I was absolutely thrilled!
Instead of letting myself become overwhelmed by the size of this project, I chose to get over-the-moon excited about it, which helps me stay focused and creative.
Have you ever felt so fired up about an idea that you can’t wait to start working on it? If so, don’t ever let that feeling go. It will propel your dreams faster than anything.
But if you can’t make the excitement last (and that’s okay—fear likes to creep in any chance it gets), then try using visualization.
Train Your Brain with Visualization
To get yourself to do something that scares you, you need to visualize yourself doing it first. And you need to visualize it over and over because repetition is how your brain masters new skills.
And if you consistently visualize it every day (and all you really need is just thirty seconds daily), you’ll start to mentally master the action. Then all your body has to do is follow through.
The key to effective visualization is to involve excruciating detail.
You need to visualize what it’s going to look like just as much as what it’s going to sound, feel, and emote like. You also need to imagine how you’ll react to different possible scenarios, including the worst possible outcome.
What will you do if you fail? What will the alternative actions be? How will you feel?
When you mentally train yourself to deal with potential failure, you won’t give up when that bump in the road actually happens.
Apply These Concepts to Big and Small Goals
You can use visualization to accomplish anything and everything, even the super small stuff, which is where everyone should start.
One of the best ways I’ve used visualization was to mentally train myself to say hello to strangers. It’s such a small thing, but that’s how I knew it could make a profound difference in my life.
Saying hello to strangers was always something that I wanted to feel comfortable with, but I felt this unshakable resistance to it. And it all boiled down to being scared of rejection—something we people pleasers fear most.
Ah yes, I was terrified of how I would feel if people didn’t say hello back. It’s so silly and almost petty, but that’s how my mind was programmed at the time.
So I started visualizing myself doing this super simple task that I was afraid of. I would visualize myself saying hello to strangers in the supermarket while smiling and feeling whole (i.e. not seeking their approval).
I would also visualize the worst possible outcome, which is that they ignore me (sooo scary, I know), and I would visualize how I felt when that happened: still smiling and still whole.
Then I took this visualization into the real world.
I started smiling and saying hello to strangers, and I felt genuinely happy while doing it. Sometimes it would turn into engaging conversation, other times it would turn into absolutely nothing. But no matter what the outcome was, I was always smiling.
Using visualization this way helped me gain the momentum I needed to create meaningful relationships in my life. Today some of the most amazing people I know were once strangers that I simply said hello to.
Sometimes we resist small changes and small habits because they seem too easy to make a profound difference in our lives. But I challenge you to reject that notion.
Every mental, physical, or spiritual block you’re facing can be softened with the Kaizen mentality. Life will become a beautiful opportunity to create something meaningful, and you can do it with confidence and ease.
What passion project have you been putting off?
And what tiny action can you make today that will get you one step closer?
-
How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~Dan Millman
I don’t care who you are or where you live, we all have one thing in common: We like to dream—to close our eyes and imagine that we’re living the life we were meant to lead. It’s a desire that’s imbedded in our DNA. To want more. Achieve more. Become more.
It’s why we start new businesses, write novels, learn to play the guitar, get our MBA, change careers, learn to cook, sew, or speak Swahili.
We’re all chasing a dream, everyday life dreams as well. Like simple happiness, good health, or financial independence; finding a place to call home, someone to love, or a path to inner peace. Perhaps it’s just a life with less pain, heartache, or loneliness.
Dreams are not only what make the world a better place, but you and I better human beings. We need to chase our dreams every chance we get. Fortunately, most of us do, and with all our hearts.
Unfortunately, many of us give up on those dreams almost before we even start, stuffing them in the back of our sock drawer until we forget they were ever there.
It’s easy to make excuses for our failed dreams, too. We don’t know where to begin, or we have no time, money, skills, or commitment. But the real enemy is deeper and more insidious.
We’re plain worn out. We have no energy to chase our dreams.
There’s always somewhere to go and something to do. Late meetings at work, carpool to drive, lunches to be made, trash to be taken out, homework to finish.
We catch a cold. Lose our job. Start a relationship. End a relationship. Birthdays. Holidays. Trips to the dentist. The list is endless and exhausting. It’s no wonder we have nothing left in the tank for a better life. It’s all we can do to maintain the life we have.
Money is not the great currency of our time. Energy is. Physical energy to get out of bed and positive energy to do something better with our lives. All the noblest dreams in the world mean nothing if we don’t have the energy to pursue them.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with Meniere’s disease, a disorder of the inner ear. Two months later, I was diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma in the other ear, a benign tumor.
While neither is fatal, and there are certainly people with far worse conditions than I have, I found myself in the unusual position of being tired all the time.
I could live with the symptoms. Dizziness. Vertigo. Ringing in the ears. Hearing loss. But being worn out, tired, and deprived of my energy, well, that was the real enemy. I had no desire to chase the things that were once important to me.
At the same time, I was going through a career change that drained even more energy, coupled with poor eating habits that drained me even more.
That’s the thing about energy; it can drain out of us in so many different ways. Sure, bad health will do it, but so will a toxic relationship, or not being able to pay your mortgage, or finding out your son is being bullied in school. Worry. Fear. Regret. Anger. They’re all “pin in the balloon” energy busters.
Fortunately, there’s hope. Lots of hope. We just need to learn how to get our energy back. In fact, the fight to reclaim our energy is one of the most important battles we’ll ever fight. Triumph here and we gain the strength to fight an even greater battle—the fight for our dreams and the life we imagined.
Of course, reclaiming our energy doesn’t happen by accident, and it’s not always easy. But every day there are golden opportunities for us to get back our energy. Here are some random tips to get started.
Just point your finger at one and go for it. It doesn’t matter which one. Any one will do. Then try another. And another. Before you know it, you will find yourself with enough energy to reclaim the life you desire.
Energy Building Tips To Live The Life You Desire
Stay in the moment.
Want to see your energy soar? Catch yourself living in the past or the future as often as you can.
Notice regret as it pops up, or guilt, or longing. Recognize when you start thinking about what might or might not happen tomorrow. Catch all these “past and future” moments, and then bring yourself back to the moment you’re living in. The present moment is the only place where we will find both peace and power.
Engage in activities that keep you in the moment.
Deep breathing exercises work, as will meditation, yoga, gardening, reading, swimming, running; a walk in the woods, a bike ride at the beach. Nature helps, so does humor, volunteering, gratitude, compassion, and doing virtually anything that brings you joy.
Avoid the 24/7 always on lifestyle.
Turn off lights, music, news, equipment, and most importantly, the mind. And while you’re at it, stay away from conversations with people who only want to talk about how screwed up the world is. The more you obsess about something, the faster you’ll bring more of it into your life. And every time we do, we just suck away our energy.
Seek friends who uplift and support, make you smile and laugh.
Avoid friends who infringe on your space, covet your time, suck your energy, and give nothing in return. We all know who they are.
Avoid excessive food, drink, or anything that consumes more time and energy than it gives back.
In short, avoid anything that brings you imbalance, fatigue, and illness, no matter how pleasurable or intoxicating it may seem. This means poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, excessive alcohol, caffeine, and sugar.
Treat your body like a $200,000 Ferrari.
It’s not enough to just avoid putting negative influences into our body. We need to put the best gasoline into our bodies we can.
We can start by drinking more water and eating nutrient rich foods that give energy. That means colorful greens, fruits, good proteins, and fats. Experiment with a gluten-free or sugar free diet, or just try eating less packaged and processed food. Keep a journal and take note of how your energy levels rise and fall based on what you put into your body.
Live your own life.
Avoid saying, doing, and becoming something only because it’s what others want to see and hear. It takes too much energy to live your life for someone else.
Live an authentic and conscious life.
Avoid doing work you don’t want to do, places you don’t want to live, or situations that no longer serve your needs. Being conscious of what you do on a daily basis puts you on a path to finding your purpose in life, which will energize every other part of your life.
Treat yourself well.
That could mean anything. Chocolate. Massage. Mornings off. Exercise. Eight hours sleep. Flowers in the house. A glass of wine. A cup of tea. It also means letting go of self-judgment. When talking about yourself (or to yourself), use only positive, energizing, and life-affirming words.
—
At the end of the day, all this adds up to a simple two-prong strategy. Avoid the things in life that take our energy away and then find the magic that brings our energy back.
But it takes conscious effort and a seeker mentality. We have to be vigilant, constantly looking within and without at all times, searching for those bits of insight and habit that will recharge our spirit.
It’s the only way we’ll ever be strong enough to chase our dreams and live the lives we were meant to live.
Go ahead and dream, but make your first dream the gift of energy.
Your future self will thank you for it.
-
How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” ~Anonymous
I used to be quite the model student. I thrived at university and seemed to be meeting all the expectations of our milestone-society.
Having chosen a Business Masters at a well-established university in the Netherlands, I was being schooled for a corporate career in a multinational firm, which I thought was what I wanted for myself.
I was led to believe that a shiny-bright future was waiting for me as soon as I acquired this magical piece of paper, and who doesn’t want that? I never even gave it a second thought and just pushed myself through my studies as best as I could.
Sure, being a financially challenged student and having to pay for my own education had its struggles, but it also had its charming moments. Besides, studying came easily to me. The achievement gave me a purpose and a great sense of self-worth.
I couldn’t wait to graduate and finally start ‘real life.’ I was eager to be able to make good money, and I imagined myself happy, together with my boyfriend, living that grown-up life with all the perks that come with it.
Little did I know what was waiting for me. There was this something called an economic crisis and, although I’d put my resume online, my phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with companies begging me to work for them. Quite the opposite, actually.
I was receiving rejection after rejection, unable to get a job that was suitable for my education, and I ended up working at a coffee store for minimum wage.
I’d get up every morning at 4am to serve cappuccinos to people who were on their way to university or their grown-up jobs. I had to face those strangers covered in milk foam, feeling like I had “underachiever” written on my forehead. I felt like an absolute failure.
When I got home from work, cranky and sleep-deprived, I searched for jobs I could apply for. I would catch myself, while I was desperately applying for the jobs I’d spent so much time studying for, feeling resentment toward those jobs at the same time.
They all seemed either boring or extremely stressful, didn’t sit with my moral practices, and, above all, seemed so meaningless to me. I started to realize that getting into this corporate treadmill would set me up for a life that would make me downright unhappy and empty.
So there I was, finally graduated, my income barely covering my rent, with a big fat student loan debt and absolutely no clue what I actually wanted to do in life. Shortly thereafter, I got physically sick and, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my relationship ended, leaving me on my own, devastated, clueless, and broke.
There it was: the ever-widening gap between my expectations and reality. To say that I was dissatisfied would be a massive understatement. It is safe to say that I was having a full-blown mental breakdown.
My entire self-worth was dependent on achievement and the love of someone else, yet now I had none of that left to cling to. I absolutely loathed myself and felt ashamed of where I was in life, convinced that there had to be something terribly wrong with me.
So how do you even begin to deal with that? I can tell you what definitely does not help (because I tried them all):
- Spending your days at home scrolling through Facebook and comparing yourself to everyone who seems to have his or her life together.
- Watching Netflix while binging on chocolate and pretending that the reality doesn’t exist.
- Indulging in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes only to wake up feeling like absolute crap.
- Spending hours on end dwelling on the situation, overthinking and analyzing it over and over, wondering “Why me?’
- Being too hard on yourself for not being where you want to be, talking negatively to yourself, and feeling worthless because of it.
- Throwing yourself in the arms of the next man (or woman) who is clearly not the right partner for you, hoping he (or she) will fix you, or at least ease the pain. This leads down the path of even more drama and very ugly break ups.
These kinds of activities may lead you to think you are helping yourself, as it does bring momentary relief, but you only end up causing more damage.
I got stuck in a deep, dark depression and I had no clue how to get out of it. I spent hours lying on the floor crying my eyes out, praying for this to be over.
I decided that working on myself was the only potential course of action to get out of this mess. I started reading piles of books about personal development, I got back to my yoga practice, and I started to turn inward and practice mindfulness in my daily life.
I followed a mindfulness course and would sit down for at least thirty minutes in silence every day to practice my mindfulness meditation. It’s what turned my whole world around.
Not right away, but slowly and steadily, my mindset and perspective began to shift and, with that, my outside world changed too.
By practicing mindfulness I learned to accept what is instead of resenting and fighting it. I stopped judging both my situation and myself, which helped me to stop beating myself up over not being where I wanted to be.
It gave me the strength to let go of all my long-held expectations (many of which weren’t mine to begin with) and just be present with whatever there is now.
Before my mindfulness journey, the idea of accepting and not judging the situation sounded like defeat to me, like being passive . In university I was programmed to compete, to analyze, to strive… everything but accept.
Though it might seem like the easier way out, fully accepting the present can be quite a challenge. Yet it is the only way to move forward.
That’s the paradox, which can be sometimes hard to grasp. Only by accepting A are we able to move to B, and only by practicing this day by day did I start to experience and understand that.
That’s when you start to enjoy the journey and stop wishing you were at your end goal already. It doesn’t suddenly make the gap between what you have and what you want disappear, but it does allow you to regain your happiness.
It also creates space in your head. Space that’s no longer absorbed by negative emotions and hostile thoughts. When you learn to let go of your expectations, a big open road suddenly unfolds right in front of you. One full of new possibilities, ready and waiting for you to create your own path.
They say that every difficult experience holds a blessing within, which is so true when I look back at my situation now.
I can clearly see how this dark period in my life was a necessity for me to grow into the person that I really am. To start living the life I always wanted and pursue happiness instead of social status or material wealth.
I have now found my sweet spot and live a healthy and happy life driven by passion and love. When you trade expectations for acceptance miracles will truly happen.
Sad face image via Shutterstock
-
When Dreams Change: It’s Okay to Let Go and Move On
“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” ~Daphne Rose Kingma
Growing up, we’re told to follow our heart and make our dreams come true. Granted, there are some naysayers who tell us we won’t ever be able to make it happen and maybe it would be better to think of an alternative. But the people who love us and want us to find happiness, they believe in us and encourage us to follow our dreams.
I have amazing parents, friends, and family who always believed in me, who always said anything is possible—and I believe them.
When I decided, in my late teens, that I wanted to be an actor, my parents were behind me 100%. They were a little startled at my choice since I had always been so shy, but they supported me all the way.
All the way to drama school, all the way to moving to London to be in the thick of it, all the way through my twenties while I followed my heart and did bits and pieces of acting here and there.
All the way to New York to train further, all the way through profit-share productions, short movies, touring open air Shakespeare, local repertory theatre, and all the way to the television roles I started booking.
It was a tough journey, but finally I started getting traction.
However, it was during this last year of acting that something just didn’t quite feel right. I was going in the right direction to achieve my dreams but there was a dis-ease in my heart. This dream wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be.
I didn’t feel the joy I thought I would when I was on set, doing take after take of a scene where I had to muster the emotions of a dying woman, again and again. The lighting wasn’t quite right, the extras passed the camera at the wrong time, or I didn’t breathe into the inhaler at the right moment.
That moment would become a pivotal moment for me in my life and career, and yet I continued on working in an industry I was starting to despise.
It was another six months later, when I was waiting in the wings before going on stage for my monologue scene, that I realized the feeling in my stomach was dread and not the nervous excitement I used to have in the early days.
I dreaded the idea of facing the audience, of losing myself in the truth of the moment, of putting my all in and not being lit up by the response.
Don’t get me wrong, the response was amazing—even my dad, who always believed in me yet refrained from praise, commented on how well I played the role. He said he was proud of me, but I didn’t feel pride. It was then that I knew something had to change.
And yet still I was scared to do it—to let go of the dream. Everyone believed in me so fiercely that I felt obliged to keep going.
I had put so much time, energy, and money into the career I had chosen and I felt that if I walked away, I was a failure—that I was letting people down.
Slowly, however, as I segued from the life I once knew, it dawned on me that those who loved me and believed in me would love me and believe in me no matter which way I turned.
I had bought into the idea of the dream for so long that it was agony tearing myself away from it. It took courage and a good three years to properly let go—to finally say that I was no longer an actor.
On reflection I see that my time in the profession had so many ups and downs, but the biggest revelation was that I wasn’t truly experiencing life.
I never took a vacation for fear of missing an audition, I never allowed myself to be in a relationship longer than a few months in case I had to decide between being with a partner or taking the next touring gig, and I never thought I would have children because that would mean I would have to put someone else’s needs first.
Since making that decision to let go, I have identified my strengths, abilities, and the true desires that were always present as an actor. I have allowed all these elements to now shape my new career.
I have allowed myself to fall in love, get married, and have the children I never thought would be part of my reality.
Everything I have experienced, not only the acting but the journey I have taken over the last twenty years, has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
The only thing I regret is the struggle I put upon myself as I resisted the change in direction and ignored, for so long, the calling in my heart to let go of a dream that no longer served me.
If you too wonder if you need to let go of a long held dream, here are a few things you might be experiencing that could be signs that it’s time to make that decision.
- Loss of excitement or joy for the dream that once lit you up
- A sense of dread creeping in when you are engaged or immersed in the ‘dream’ life/relationship/business/career
- Fear at the thought of what people might think if you quit
- Repetitive negative thoughts around what you have already invested and that it is too costly to walk away
If any of these signs are present in your life, it can be hard to take the next step. Here a few questions to ask yourself to help you find the courage to walk away and choose a new path if that is what you want.
1. What would your life look like this time next year, or five or ten years’ time, if you don’t make a change?
2. What possibilities can you imagine for yourself if you could experience the type of joy you had for the original dream?
3. Are the people you fear disappointing with your choices the people who love you unconditionally? If so, how would they feel knowing you were living life to please them rather than following your heart?
Letting go of something you have wanted for so long can be scary, but don’t let the fear of letting go stop you from becoming the person you need to be. You may know deep down your true calling, but sometimes it takes a little while to realize the new trajectory your life could take.
Have courage and trust that there are infinite possibilities ahead of you, and the people who truly matter will be there for you through the next chapter of your life.
-
The Easy Path to Purpose: Forget “Should” and Do What You Love
“Your daily life is your temple and your religion. When you enter into it take with you your all.” ~Khalil Gibran
In my mid twenties I found out I had a mass on my pituitary. I was told it could be cancer, it could be benign, it could be a cyst—we wouldn’t know until my doctor performed a surgery to remove it. This surgery meant I could go blind, be on lifelong hormone replacement therapy, or even die.
I don’t want you to wait until something bad happens to dedicate time to things you love.
Countless people I meet share the same story over and over again when I tell them I’m an artist:
“I was told I was good at drawing, but Dad wanted me to be a doctor,” “It reminds me of my love of the theatre. I keep thinking about joining our local community theatre, but I never seem to get round to doing it.”
It seems calling oneself an artist triggers a longing for creative expression in many.
How can we find and follow our inner guide?
While waiting for the big day of surgery, I hid away in the basement of my sister’s home. I painted for perhaps my last time. I painted for the pure joy of painting. For perhaps the first time in my life I didn’t hear a bunch of “shoulds” running around my mind. I painted as a channel, connected to whatever source gave me the inspiration for that work.
The world around us communicates a whole lot of expectation on our lives. We have pressures to stay connected, to succeed, to travel, to be the perfect parent, to somehow “balance” our life, all while eating green smoothies, cooking homemade fresh organic meals, and exercising regularly.
That’s a whole lot of “shoulds.” Unfortunately, and often, people wait until something bad happens in their life that helps them see the big picture and realign with their own personal hopes, dreams, or even calling.
Cultivating Purpose Step 1: Reflect on What You Want
Rather than wait for bad things to happen, why not start reflecting on this today? Sit in a quiet, meditative space or partner with a good friend. Ask yourself: What is important to me? What makes me feel like I’m successful or living a “balanced” life?
Is the slow food movement important to you and your lifestyle? Maybe it’s about teaching your children to be mindful. These are all modes of creative expression; creativity isn’t just about art.
Somewhere, at some point, our culture has become hell-bent on achievement. It’s about outcomes that include white picket fences, degrees from prestigious institutions, and a bottom dollar.
This is why countless high school students have told me they can’t take an art class, or their favorite creative writing class, or insert your creative interest here. The achievement, the honors, and keeping up with outside notions of success are more important than what our heart calls us to do.
Once the day of my surgery came I felt free; there was no more waiting and wondering. Thankfully, my surgery went well—no cancer, no blindness, no hormone therapy. I returned to work as an art teacher and kept thinking about those paintings. Something had shifted in me.
An opportunity to enter my work for a young artist award fell into my lap shortly thereafter. I jumped at the chance to have my art be part of it.
I entered those paintings into a competition with VSA arts and won a money award for being a finalist. My work toured the USA for two years and included exhibition at the Smithsonian and the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.
I knew all along I wanted to be an artist, that making art and teaching art would fill me up. But I battled with accepting that part of myself for years. It took adversity for me to advance to the next level of my work and life. It took adversity for me to take action.
Cultivating Purpose Step 2: Make Different Choices
Don’t wait for bad things to happen to do the things you love. Write down one thing you’d love to experience or explore. What are three tasks you can take this week to help you realize it?
Make a public announcement about your goal to someone or a group of people who can hold you accountable. Creating external urgency can be a great motivator to start working toward the things you love.
I spoke with a cancer survivor about my painting experience, and he articulated something I had felt but didn’t know how to put into words: When you know you have a strong chance of dying and the last thing you might ever do fits into the two days before you, you make different choices.
Too many voices about how I should make art and if I should make art at all had clouded my mind. But in the days before my surgery those voices were silent. Who cared if it didn’t hold to anyone’s standards? There was no one to impress anymore. I was painting for me.
My friend said he created his best art while he fought cancer. It opened this door that freed him of expectation, external pressures—those “shoulds.” He’s found the trick since that time to be: How do we cultivate and keep that perspective now that we’ve survived?
My life ebbs and flows with my ability to treat life preciously. I know I’m lucky to be here but it’s easy in the ruckus of everyday life to lose sight of our limited time. Familial pressure, work, myriad circumstances can make us lose sight of what we feel called to do with our time.
Cultivating Purpose Step 3: Stay Connected to Your Inner Guide
I’ve found a way to help me check back in and harness that powerful inner guide. Every night I journal and I write down six things to focus on in my next day. (It’s called the Ivy Lee Method). I always include a task directly related to my personal interests, and I place this as my first priority.
Secondly, I do that work in the first part of my day. For me this can mean dedicating twenty minutes to a morning yoga practice or even just fifteen minutes to my art. My mind is open and receptive in the morning. The day’s obligations have yet to cloud my mind or heart. I’m open to possibility and to learning. And my spirit feels honored.
Making room for our sometimes secret, creative interests can change our lives.
We don’t need permission from anyone to dive into those hopes and dreams we’ve had since children. To be human is to be creative. Creativity isn’t just about art. Creativity includes the contributions we give the world when we set out to do what our hearts call out for us to explore.
There is a shift happening in society. We are beginning to recognize and celebrate the importance of mindfulness, of listening to our heart, our body, our mind. People are slowly feeling license to express their true selves. But we are only at the beginning.
I had to wait until a life threatening health problem before I could fully own my artistic voice. But once I did own my voice, I had work recognized by VSA Arts and exhibited at the Smithsonian. What could I have accomplished if I started painting “for me” sooner?
What could you accomplish today if you practice being present and truly listen to that inner voice of guidance and support?
We treat life like a race, but I wonder, what exactly are we racing toward? What could you accomplish if you didn’t wait for your dreams, but you decided to start right now, today?
-
How to Find the Courage to Quit Your Unfulfilling Job
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.
Isn’t it a shame?
You’ve studied and worked hard to get to where you are.
You’ve succeeded.
And you got that job.
But now, it just doesn’t feel right.
Well, I understand exactly what you’re going through.
Once upon a time, I thought I had it all too.
A great position, a great salary with generous bonuses, and I was working in the heart of the city of love: Paris. My life and career might have looked perfect on the outside, but on the inside, I was desperately yearning for something else.
As the months went by, my sadness skyrocketed. And the voice inside telling me to change grew ever stronger. So did my concerns, worries, and fears about the future. What if things didn’t work out? What if I couldn’t make enough money? What if I would come to regret my decision?
Sound familiar?
When I evaluated my life, though, I found that the idea of staying was scarier than anything that may happen if I quit. So, I finally found the courage to leave the safety of a corporate job to find my true calling in life.
If you’re yearning for change but too scared of the what-ifs, the following tips will help you evaluate your life and finally find your courage as well.
1. Choose to live by design instead of by default.
Take a step back and look at what kind of life you truly want to live. Does it look like the one you’re living today? A while back, I asked myself that question. One of the things that came back to me was that I wanted my life to revolve more around yoga. So, now I’m training to become a yoga teacher.
Don’t settle for mediocrity or life by default. Instead, decide to make active choices to create the life you desire—that’s the only way you’ll get there.
2. Fear regret rather than failure.
Failing means you tried and learned something. Regret, on the other hand, comes as a response to what hasn’t happened. It’s an ugly emotion that usually doesn’t show up until it’s already too late.
Failing at something is scary, but regret is even scarier. Wouldn’t you rather try and fail now instead of one day regretting you never tried at all?
3. Imagine the worst-case scenario.
What’s the worst thing that can happen if you quit your unfulfilling job? Maybe you’d have to find another full-time job? Maybe you’d be standing without a safety net, unable to care for the people that depend on you?
By clearly defining a realistic worst-case scenario, you can prepare yourself not to end up there and to cushion the impact if it occurs. That could mean making sure you have enough savings, someone to fall back on, or a job lined up if things don’t work out.
4. Listen to your gut.
I had a nagging feeling inside of me for years before I acted on it. I had tried to push it away, and when that didn’t work, I changed tactics and chose to allow the feelings in. Only then did I understand the message behind it and what I needed to do.
Now I know that the discomfort I was feeling was a good thing. It meant that my inner guidance system was working correctly, giving me direction in life. What are your feelings telling you? What are you being guided toward?
5. Know that you’ll be better doing what you love.
“If I could be good at something I was fairly interested in, what would happen if I did something I truly love?” This was a question I simply had to find the answer to.
I believe outstanding work can only come from a place of loving what you do. This is when you utilize your unique skills, talents, and natural gifts. Imagine for a second how great you could become at something you love doing?
6. Let happiness be the key to success.
Studies prove (and people like billionaire entrepreneur Richard Branson confirm) that happiness fuels success and performance, not the other way around. Now, isn’t that nice to know?
Creating a life around what makes you happy is the key to living a truly successful life.
7. Become an example.
Imagine that someone you care deeply for, such as a little sister or a friend, is observing your actions. He or she will copy everything you do. A bit scary, huh?
Now, would you want this person to stay in a place that left them feeling unfulfilled? Or would you want them to find the courage to pursue what they truly desire?
8. Come back to the present moment.
Worrying about the future doesn’t change anything; instead, it hinders you from making the best of this moment. Here and now is all we ever have. It’s the only place where we have control.
So, focus on what you can do right now to go in the direction you want.
9. Know that everyone feels the same.
Realizing that I wasn’t alone with my thoughts and fears gave me a surprisingly comforting feeling. I wasn’t weak or fragile for being scared—I was simply human.
Understand that what you feel is normal, but whether to act or not is your choice.
10. Define your why.
I left my job because I wanted to work with something I cared deeply for, where I could express myself fully and make a positive impact in the world.
If you’re clear on why you’re leaving a job, you’ll see the value in taking the risk. It will help you stay motivated and keep you focused in the right direction.
11. Trust that you have a gift to offer.
All seven billion of us have a unique set of skills, talents, and personality traits. I once met a woman whose great passion in life was the connective tissues in our bodies. Pretty unique passion, right? We’re all different, and that’s the beauty.
You have something special only you can offer this world, and we’re longing to take part of it. So, trust yourself, and show us what you’ve got.
12. Connect with like-minded people.
Connect with people that are on a similar journey to yours. Build a support network, in person and online.
To have people around you that support, motivate, and inspire you is priceless. They’ll help you through the most difficult days.
13. Take risks for what you will gain long-term.
Sometimes we need to take risks and make short-term sacrifices for what will serve us long-term. Basically, we must be willing to bet in order to win.
Just think about this. Staying in an unfulfilling job means taking a greater risk since you already know it’s not what you want. So, you risk more by not taking risks.
14. Aim to put a smile on your older, future self.
Imagine yourself being ninety years old and at your deathbed. Looking back at your life, how would you want the story to unfold?
You’ll want to die with a big smile on your face, knowing that you made the best of your time here. And that you lived a life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you.
15. Know that the timing is never right.
Maybe you’re young without any proper experience. Maybe you’re older and take longer to learn new things. Or maybe you just got promoted and want to give this opportunity a chance.
The time will never come when all the conditions are right. When I accepted this, I understood that everything is as perfect as I perceive them to be.
16. Trust that the path will unfold.
What’s scary in following your dream is that the path is unclear. Stepping off the beaten path means that you can’t see a straight road in sight.
But, we don’t need to know the whole path. We just need to know the next step in front of us.
17. Make uncomfortable the new comfortable.
When we want something we don’t have, we must do things we haven’t done before. And that means becoming uncomfortable.
When I accepted this as a natural part of the journey, I decided to make uncomfortable my new comfortable.
18. Nurture faith, not fear.
Fear is uncertainty about what doesn’t exist yet. Faith is the same, but trusting that it will turn out for the best. So, instead of imagining scenarios of what you don’t want, choose to focus on what you do want.
Give your energy to faith, not fear.
Live by Choice Instead of Chance
It’s not easy feeling frustrated and restless in an unsatisfying job. It’s not easy knowing that leaving might be a big mistake. But, staying might be an even bigger one.
You don’t know how things will turn out if you quit. We never do. But here’s what you do know—staying where you are most likely won’t get you where you want to be.
Wouldn’t you rather live life by choice instead of chance? Wouldn’t you rather look back and know that you did everything you could to create the life you desire instead of wishing you’d had? Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on faith instead of fear?
Who knows, you just might get everything you wished for.
Quitting image via Shutterstock
-
When Following Your Dreams Results in Failure After Failure
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everyone tells you to chase your dreams and follow your passion. At some point, you’re brave and full of hope and decide to do it—quit your job, become an artist, apply for that dream job, and change your lifestyle.
It’s wonderful and empowering and exciting and all those things that make living worthwhile.
But what happens when you fail? When quitting your job left you broke, no one wants to publish your work, and your dream job turns you down? You are left feeling utterly defeated and a little bitter toward all those people who told you to go for it. It didn’t work. What then?
I’m no stranger to failure. I’ve tried so many times and had nothing concrete to show for my efforts. I’ve had to tell people, “No, I didn’t get it.”
Most recently, I’ve been hustling as hard as I can to get a job that will send me overseas in the development field to work for women’s human rights. Unpaid internships and grad school and applications and cold emailing have so far led to nothing.
It can be incredibly frustrating and leave me feeling hopeless, sometimes questioning if it’s worth following these dreams when I’m feeling so defeated. Like I said, I have nothing concrete to show for any of my efforts yet.
But a while back something happened that changed everything. And no, I didn’t get the dream job.
What happened was internal. I was sitting outside with a mug of hot coffee cuddled between my hands, a soft jacket pulled around my shoulders to combat the cool, autumn morning. Red, yellow, and orange leaves were raining down from the trees, spiraling to the ground. Painted clouds streaked the deep, brilliantly blue sky.
I could feel the sun on my face. And as I sat there, with none of my dreams coming true, I realized that it doesn’t matter if they never do.
I am alive, healthy, and free. I have people who love me. And I have the capacity to be grateful for this life and the ability to even contemplate following my dreams, let alone throw everything I’ve got into the fray.
I realized that even if my dreams never come true, I will be okay. It was so liberating. I will keep trying; I actually had a second wind after this realization. Because now I know that my life is full and worthwhile and beautiful even if I’m just sitting outside with coffee in the sunshine.
If you allow yourself to love everything, as simple and small as it may be, even if not all of your dreams are unfolding around you, there may come a day when your dreams do come true and it will be icing on an already magnificent cake.
The defeated feelings from failure come from letting all your hopes and happiness ride on the dreams coming true. If you allow yourself to appreciate the freedom and aliveness in just having the opportunity to try, the failing will be so much less painful.
You should keep chasing your dreams and following your passion. At the same time, you shouldn’t let yourself feel so bad if you’re failing.
Check with yourself and see—would it really be so awful if you just kept trying and things never quite worked out the way it does in your dreams?
Really think about it. How wonderful and fun and exciting is it that you can go off and chase those dreams? And how much more concrete and valuable is love in your life, joy in the simple things, and appreciating what you have?
If all your dreams come true but you neglected your relationships and forgot how to be grateful and happy with the little things, it won’t matter.
Let living fully be your passion. Chasing your dreams is a byproduct of that. Finding a way to make them come true is not the end all, be all.
Be fully immersed in your own life—your relationships with others and yourself, tasting good food, comfort and peace, enjoying a quiet morning with the sun on your face, laughter.
Failure isn’t so bad when you realize that taking the steps to make your dreams come true is a dream coming true in itself.
