Tag: dreams

Overcoming the Fear of Taking a Risk: Just Do It

“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabelle Allende

About eight months ago I hitched a ride to Buenos Aires, Argentina via a one way ticket with the love of my life. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I wasn’t throwing things in my suitcase and cashing out my bank account while kissing friends and family goodbye, sayin’ “See ya!”

My boyfriend and I were recent graduates at wits end suffering economic woes with no place to go. We had always wanted to go abroad to teach English, but weren’t sure where we’d end up.

At one o’clock in the morning after an argument over my apprehension, I just told him to book the tickets and I’d feel better.

Well, I thought I’d feel better. We finally booked our long anticipated flight. Champagne wasn’t popped and confetti didn’t cascade to the floor. I sat on the bed wondering why I felt so petrified to go. It had been a childhood dream of mine to travel abroad.

It was rather terrifying, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of an adventure.

Surprisingly, as I looked at our online itinerary my stomach sank. Nausea filled my days when I looked around knowing I was going to leave everything I knew.

I rationalized every excuse to get out of going but I reminded myself to persevere and that everything would work out. But the questions still popped up in my mind.

Was I making a mistake? Was this risk going to be worth every penny and hardship?

The night before our flight my stomach was curling into knots and my mind was a twisted mess. I tried telling myself to calm down and to just take the risk. I knew that if I could just get my butt into my window seat that everything would be fine. But even then my fear didn’t subside.

It wasn’t until the plane took off that I realized I had done it. I was twenty thousand miles in the air, and nine hours ahead of me was awaiting an entirely different world. But the fear was ever present. After a week of being a tourist, the fear remained hidden under a layer of excitement.

I couldn’t sleep, I was thousands of miles from home, only able to utter a few phrases in Spanish that I remembered from middle school.

I stayed in the apartment as much as possible because I was afraid to go out and communicate with others, let alone take a bus by myself and get lost some bad part of town.

With time, the fear slowly dissolved, the unfamiliar became familiar. We found jobs and an apartment within three weeks of arrival, a blessing considering we had no idea what we’d do when we got there. I had kept on despite my reluctance and faked a smile when I wanted to scream and run.

Everything worked out because I kept a positive affirmation despite the fear.

Many of my friends made excuses for themselves by letting me know how easy it was for me to just up and leave to a foreign country because of my circumstances, especially having a boyfriend who spoke fluent Spanish.

Yes, some of the opportunities I was afforded made the journey easier, but we worked our butts off, sold everything we owned, and packed up our few belongings into plastic bins.

My boyfriend, who is an optimist, was ecstatic and I looked calm because I wanted everyone else to believe that I was confident in my decision to up and leave.

From most people’s expressions and comments they didn’t believe we’d commit to actually boarding the plane, but I surprised everyone and even myself when I handed the boarding pass to the attendant and shook the pilots hand as I entered the plane.

The fear crippled my mind, but my legs managed to carry me to my seat.

Of Course There Will Be Doubt

Despite my crippling fear, sleepless nights, and fake demeanor, I knew deep down that I needed to take the risk; after all, that’s why it’s called a risk. Of course as with any life changing decision, you will doubt yourself.

You think Neil and Buzz weren’t freaking out before they got into an eight-ton firecracker that was going to take three days to get to the moon? They didn’t even know if they’d sink elbow deep in moon dust, but they took one small step for man, and an even greater leap for mankind.

I am sure that despite the years of preparation and endless simulations, they still had a sleepless night before one of humanity’s biggest risks.

Most people who take risks are kidding themselves if they don’t doubt themselves a teeny tiny bit. So do yourself a favor and take one small step toward your goal despite your apprehensions and gut-wrenching fear.

Fake It Until You Make It

Like I did, and so many other risk takers do, you have to fake it until you make it. It sounds cliché but it holds a boatload of truth. Use reverse psychology on yourself. You’re your own worst enemy. Tell yourself and others that you are confident about taking the risk and notice how your apprehension will dissolve.

Nurture the Positives, not the Fear

Print out some pictures of your risk and tape them on your ceiling so when you wake up with cold sweats, you can remind yourself that you are going to do what it is that you set out to do. I put pictures of Patagonia as my desktop screensaver to remind me of the beauty I would experience in Argentina.

Write a pros list and forget the cons. Focus on the major pros. Cons can always be worked through.

Whether it is lack of money, not knowing the language, being thousands of miles away from home, I knew that it was what I had always wanted to do and I could find money by selling all my things, or start learning basic phrases or use Skype to talk to friends and family. There is a positive to every negative.

No Excuses: Just Do It

Even worse, don’t make excuses about why you shouldn’t do it. Nowadays, we make excuses for everything. I’m too busy, I don’t have the money, or I don’t want to disappoint others. Make every excuse why you should do it.

Despite my crippling fear which gave me many sleepless nights, I stuck with it and kept telling myself “We already bought the tickets.” Like the Nike slogan, I needed to “Just Do It.” Perpetual excuses will pour from your mouth, but remember fear shouldn’t be a chain holding you back.

Don’t let fear paralyze you; close your eyes and imagine that everything will work out.

Don’t expect the unexpected and focus on what could go well. Just as life will have its highs and lows, taking a risk comes with excitement and terror. Fear is only natural when taking a risk. So go on! Jump out of that plane (with a parachute of course) into the world of your dreams.

Photo by _overanalyzer

May 21, 2013
When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

While every adoption story is different, they all start with a loss. Our loss turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us.

I’ve had two migraines in my life. Both were when I was battling infertility and in a war with my body. My brain had had enough apparently.

The first migraine was on my way to work one day (different story), and the second was before a dinner party. My friend was inviting her close friends over to make an announcement. I knew what the announcement was.

She was going to tell us she was pregnant. I was as happy for her as an infertile friend can be, which is not very.

My migraine saved me that night. I didn’t have to go and pretend. Instead, I was alone in a dark room crying, which is where I would have ended up anyway. Now I know I was grieving the loss of my non-existent biological child.

In what turned out to be an oddly not-difficult decision to adopt, my husband and I were on the way to the adoption agency for the first informational meeting when we had the biggest fight we had ever had. Uncharacteristically, I was so emotional I told him to turn the car around. I knew this was not the time to begin our adoption journey.

About a month later we tried again. We were in the car, having just merged onto the highway on the way to the adoption agency, when we were sandwiched between two other cars in a three-way wreck. We were fine, but missed the meeting.

Our third try turned out to be a charm as we showed up at the agency relatively emotionally stable and in one piece.

Those who have adopted can confirm that timing is everything, especially in foreign adoptions when often the two files on the top of the pile get matched and a family is formed.

Was something cosmic happening so that we would show up at the right time to receive the right baby?

Once the adoption was underway and we were awaiting our sweet baby to be approved for release to us, I would talk to her. We even had a song, Coldplay’s “Yellow.”

I would sing, “Look at the stars; look how they shine for you,” because I thought we could see the same stars. I felt closer to her, knowing we were thousands of miles apart, but could see the same sky.

“You were all yellllllooo,” I would sing alone in my car, again and again.

I don’t know what it is like to give birth, but I cannot imagine it is any more terrifying or exciting than meeting your adopted child for the first time. We, along with the families we were traveling with, had taken over a hotel floor when the babies started arriving from the orphanage.

“Swenson” we heard our interpreter yell as he held out a baby, our baby. I don’t remember stumbling forward, but my husband has it on video. When I watch it I see myself holding our daughter and instinctively cupping her head and holding her to me.

She was dressed in head to toe yellow. Shirt, shorts, even yellow jelly sandals. This. was. my. daughter.

She was all yellllllooo.

I did not get what I wanted. I wanted to have a dinner party and announce that I was pregnant. I wanted to carry a child in my belly. I wanted to discover how the baby looked like me and how it looked like my husband.

I didn’t have a dinner party. I didn’t carry her in my own belly. She doesn’t look a damn thing like us.

But what I got? What I got was even better. I got a child that was meant to be ours.

This baby was so meant to be ours that we couldn’t make it to the adoption agency until the third try because it wasn’t time yet. This baby was so meant to be ours she was wearing head-to-toe yellow when we met after I’d been singing “Yellow” to her for months.

So yes, sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

I daresay when you don’t get what you want it is because there is something better on its way to you.

Photo by egor.gribanov

May 16, 2013
A 6-Step Daily Ritual to Create the Future and Enjoy the Present

“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

I have always loved to-do lists. It gives me joy to plan my day in advance. Lists give me an overview, focus, and I simply love crossing things off.

Things changed when I became self-employed. My to-do list behavior turned from a supportive tool into an instrument of self-imposed pressure.

I felt that being self-employed meant that I had to work very hard to make things happen. The lists became longer and longer, at least fifteen big items per day.

As a result, it became nearly impossible to finish all the tasks on my list in one day. And as a result of that, I was not happy with my daily progress.

Even doing half the things on my list was not good enough. All I could think of were the things I had not managed to do.

My focus shifted from the positive to the negative, from where I was to where I desperately wanted to be. I was not in the now. I was always one impossible to-do list away from being happy with where I was.

I felt grumpy, did not want to speak frankly of how things were really going, and was constantly putting myself under pressure. I felt that I had to prove myself. Prove to the world that I could be successful.

So I tried a bunch of different things.

Among them, I tried living without to-do lists altogether and just going with the flow. I know people who are able to do that and I really admire them.

This did not work out for me. Instead, I shifted the to-do lists from paper into my head, which is a much messier place. So rather than just coping with an impossible list, I was also trying to memorize all the items. Not a good idea.

Then I tried working with weekly to-do lists because this would allow me to spread things out and give me more freedom to allocate tasks, according to how my day was going and how I felt.

Doing this eased things up a bit, but the lists just became even longer so I was still feeling that sense of pressure. I hardly granted myself time off, and all my focus was in the future.

I never got out of bed motivated to do the things on my list, because the sheer bulk brought me down. I was actually stressed before the day had even started.

I did not realize that the one who had to believe in myself was me, not everybody else. My to-do list was full of things that I felt I had to have in order to be successful: A running blog, a great website, a list of followers, paying clients.

This was a reflection of my forward focus, the notion that “things will be great in the mysterious land of tomorrow.” It all came from a sense of not being good enough now.

I was dedicating my focus to a place I was not even ready for yet. I was confusing growth and improvement with what it looks like when you are successful, and I was not doing the work that mattered: the internal work.

Once I started doing the internal work I realized that the best way to get forward is to be happy in the now.

So, I developed my own little ritual. I now do this consistently and make it a point not to check my phone or turn on my computer before doing this morning ritual.

It has changed the way I perceive work. I am more excited and in tune with myself, moving at a comfortable pace.

Here it is. Maybe it serves you too:

1. Be grateful.

I start my day by giving thanks to where I am now, for all the wonderful things that have happened that transported me to this beautiful time and place called the present.

2. Take your time.

I make myself a big pot of tea, sit down in my favorite spot, and snuggle up with my dog. I just give myself time to greet the day, to breathe, and to feel.

3. Connect with your vision.

Before, thinking about the future meant thinking about all the things I do not yet have or do. Connecting with my vision is different.

It means envisioning a world much bigger than myself. My vision guides what I do today. If today is a step, my vision is the direction in which I take that step.

4. Choose a theme.

Each day, I choose a theme that feels right. It reflects how I want to feel and what I want to accomplish. It can be anything, long or short, specific or general. “Today is all about…”

5. Find your three priorities.

Research shows that you can only do three to five meaningful things per day. I feel comfortable picking three and leaving enough space for magic to happen.

6. Assign celebrations.

Since I tend to gloss over my accomplishments after five happy minutes and move on to the next thing to do, I now assign a celebration to each of my three priorities. A celebration can be anything you love, big or small. It can be a walk in nature, a drink with a friend, a manicure, or reading a chapter in an inspiring book.

I hope this ritual inspires you. If you try it out and like it, I’d love to hear how it goes!

Photo by IchSapphire

April 29, 2013
Taking Back Our Dreams: Releasing the Drive for Wealth and Status

“The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.” ~Harry Kemp

We’ve all been there. You’re having a great time playing a game with your friends, and then all of a sudden, things start to get tense.

What started out as fun turns into a fierce competition, as everyone is desperately trying to collect gold coins, red flags, or whatever happens to be the game’s currency.

To an outsider, it would be clear that we are all playing a game. Just like the kid with the tallest stack of red coins, the adult with the largest home and fanciest car receives the admiration of his or her peers.

Originally invented to simplify the trading process, money has long surpassed its intended purpose. Of course, we all need money to survive, but it doesn’t end there.

Money has long been a status symbol. It is precisely for this reason its appeal is so difficult to resist.

Our social status and income level are closely intertwined. We’ve even coined the term “socio-economic status.” In this society, you simply cannot have high status without the money to back it up.

Okay, so what’s the problem? Why do I say all this as if it’s a bad thing?

Because it comes at a price. A very high price.

As we strive to win this game that society wants us to play, we give up on something that matters a lot more than money and prestige. We give up on our dreams.

MISSING THE MIDDLE GROUND

The chain that locks us down to jobs we hate has two ends. On one end stands wealth and status. At the other end is fear of poverty.

Of course, we all need food to eat and a roof over our heads. Now here’s the catch: If you dare to dream even an inch outside the status quo, society is quick to assume that you will be an utter failure, left with nothing to pay the bills.

For example, say you always dreamed of being an actor. When people think of actors, they think of Angelina Jolie, Nicolas Cage, or other stars. “Actors make a killing, but hardly anyone makes it!” they may tell you. Indeed, hardly anyone becomes a star.

You see, without even realizing it, they are back to wealth and prestige. But what they forget are the many working actors who are not world famous, who nevertheless make enough to support themselves while doing what they love.

Another common misconception is that in order to pursue your passion, you must quit your job immediately. Doing so could indeed be a recipe for disaster. You see, pursuing your passion is a process. Many quit their jobs only after their passion can support them.

Society tells us that wealth and status will make us happy, while simultaneously scaring us that pursuing our dreams will leave us penny-less. Both of these are fallacies. There is a middle ground: Your passion can support you, if you’re willing to give it a chance.

MY STORY

I was born with the heart of an artist. I dreamed of being on stage as a singer or an actress. I wanted to express myself through music, dance, and writing.

Despite these dreams, at the age of 18 I had an entirely different plan. I was set on becoming a manager at a software company.

I worked hard to get into a prestigious computer science program, and for my first internship, I landed a position at well-known firm. I was overjoyed. It looked as if my plan was working out.

But a couple of months into the internship, something completely unexpected happened: I found myself hating my life. I don’t mean just my job. My entire life felt empty, meaningless, and downright painful.

I would wake up early to go to a job that bored me. Then, I had to spend most of my waking hours effectively tied down to a chair, staring at a computer screen. I was a slave in the free world.

By the time that this dreadful internship was finally over, I was so broken down that I swore never to do this to myself again.

It wasn’t easy to figure out what to do next. It took the next ten years to go through layer upon layer of fears and insecurities. I started out with such a rigid perception of what is “normal” and “acceptable” that I had a very long road to travel.

Three years ago, I finally took my first singing class and started to write. I couldn’t begin to tell you what a difference this has made in my life. Every morning I jump out of bed, eager to start the day. My work excites me, energizes me, and brings me a deep sense of personal fulfillment.

For the first time in my life, I no longer feel a divide between myself and my job. All that I do is an extension of who I am.

But then, I go out into the world and interact with other people. People who wish that they didn’t have to work. People who sacrifice their lives for a handsome paycheck. People who have forgotten their dreams.

WHY WE LOSE TRACK OF OUR DREAMS

How did this happen? When and where did we lose track of our dreams?

If I were to come up to a person with a passion for pursuing their dream, and ask them, “How much money would it take to get you to forget about pursuing your dreams?” they would surely send me away. Nobody would knowingly sell their dreams.

But there is something else, something more powerful than money that can make us give up on our dreams—that is, our sense of self-worth. Without realizing it, we end up giving up our dreams in an effort to feel good about ourselves.

Society teaches us that you are what you do. We are bombarded with this message from childhood. We are constantly asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Combine this with the clear connection between status and money, and the formula is complete. We work at jobs we hate in order to attain high social standing, so that we can feel good about who we are.

The trouble is that our dreams rarely line up with what society happens to consider prestigious. And so, in an effort to reconcile our ambitions with our need for approval, we replace our dreams with what society wants us to do.

And if, during a moment of clarity, we decide we no longer care about wealth and prestige, then they get us with the fear of poverty. “Do what we tell you, and you will be rich. Disobey, and you will have nothing.”

That’s when most of us give up and forget about our dreams altogether.

But I don’t believe that it is possible to completely lose our dreams. Like a precious jewel that accumulated years of dust, our dreams are waiting to be uncovered from beneath layers of fears and insecurities.

Taking back our dreams is the first step to building the life that we want—a life that is true to who we really are. It may seem intimidating at first, but if you find the courage to reclaim your dreams, they will light the way to a meaningful, fulfilling life.

Photo by sidonath

April 18, 2013
4 Conscious Choices to Stay Balanced and Happy When You’re Busy
“Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

I’m not someone who enjoys busyness or sees it as a sign of importance. In fact, I’ve often sacrificed money and opportunities to have more time to watch movies, roam around my neighborhood, and generally live life at a slow pace.

This is the way I most enjoy experiencing my days—by creating space to just be. And I find this supports my passion as a writer, since it allows me abundant opportunities to play, explore, and expand my understanding of the world and my place within it.

But I’ve also noticed that I formerly limited myself in response to underlying fears and limiting beliefs, and then justified it with my fondness for free time.

Whenever I received an opportunity to do something that would stretch my comfort zone, I reminded myself how hectic my schedule would be if I said yes.

Whenever I considered doing something new that I feared might fail (or might succeed, giving me more responsibility), I reminded myself that I was already meeting my needs, so it would probably be best to just keep doing what I was doing.

Essentially, I allowed myself to believe I had only one healthy motivation for not growing in new directions; and while this did support my priorities and preferences, it also created a sense of stagnation.

So this year I decided to challenge those limiting beliefs and fears. I started redefining myself beyond the safe roles of writer and free spirit, and recognized that I could actually be happier for trying new things and taking more risks.

While I know the choice was ultimately positive for me, I’ve struggled a little in the execution.

I’ve overwhelmed my schedule with projects—including the recent redesign/forum launch, a new book on self-love, and my first ever eCourse.

I’ve tried to do more on my own than I feasibly can—from reading and editing an ever-growing number of monthly blog submissions, to mentoring new writers, to handling all aspects of the site’s daily operations, to maintaining a freelance job writing for ‘tween girls.

And in the process, I’ve sacrificed some of my needs and priorities, including exercise and relaxation.

I’ve swung the pendulum from calm to chaos, and I’ve left myself little time and space to discover the middle ground between holding myself back and pushing myself.

I’m now in the process of adjusting to this decision to do new things, and I’ve realized it requires four conscious choices:
- Recognizing my non-negotiable needs and prioritizing them
- Setting realistic expectations about what I can do and what I can’t
- Regularly checking in with myself to ensure my choices support my intentions
- Learning from my emotions instead of reacting to them
If you’re also adjusting to a busier lifestyle—whether you’re working toward a dream or taking on new responsibilities at work or at home—these tips may help:

1. Recognize your non-negotiable needs.

Write down the top two or three things you need to do daily for your emotional well-being, your physical health, and your sense of balance. Include the bare minimum you could do to meet these, and ideal times. For me, that includes:

Emotional well-being
- Daily meditation and/or deep breathing (five minutes after waking up)
- Journaling (five minutes before going to sleep)
Physical health
- Daily exercise, even if just a walk outside (ten minutes around lunch time)
- Consistent sleep (eight hours—doable if I’m more efficient instead of wasting time online)
Sense of balance
- Time to relax and unwind (a half-hour bath at night)
- Time to play (a half-hour of something fun at night, preferably with someone else)
You’ve now established the bare minimum for your needs and created a plan to meet them. Even meeting the minimum might be hard. It might require you to ask for help or say no to certain requests. Think of it as saying yes to your happiness.

2. Set realistic expectations about what you can and can’t do.

I have a habit of making a schedule based on what I want to accomplish and then feeling disappointed in myself if I don’t meet that.

My schedule doesn’t often leave room for the unexpected, which could encompass tasks taking longer than I anticipated they would, or new opportunities coming up, personally or professionally.

If you’re striving to meet your boss’s expectations, you may have less leeway in being flexible. But when it comes to the arbitrary deadlines we set for ourselves, we have the power to release the pressure.

I often worry that deviations from my plan mean I’m losing control and decreasing the odds of doing what I set out to do. This actually sets me up for failure.

When I worry about what I’m not doing, I’m not focused on what I am. And that’s what’s enabled me to do things well in the past: not perfect adherence to a schedule, but focus and immersion in the process.

A better approach is to set a plan, do what we can, and then adjust as we go. Whatever we can’t comfortably fit in a day will just have to wait.

3. Regularly check in with yourself to ensure your choices are supporting your intentions.

I’ve found some contradictions in my recent mode of operating, including:
- I try to do everything myself because this site means so much to me, and I fear delegating responsibility to someone who may not care quite as much. The consequence: I’m sometimes stretched too thin to give everything the care it deserves.
- I’m taking on new projects because I know I’ll be happier for stretching myself, but I’ve deprioritized a lot of the other things that make me happy.
In recognizing these contradictions, I’m able to adjust accordingly.

I can challenge the belief that tells me I need to do everything myself, and seek help (which I’ve recently done). I can create a better balance between working toward future joy and creating joy in the process.

Take the time to check in what you really want—not just some day down the road, but in your everyday experience in the world. If you recognize you’re not enabling that, make tiny adjustments where you can.

4. Learn from your emotions instead of reacting to them.

When we’re doing something new, our emotions run the full gamut, from excitement to fear, eagerness to anxiety, and countless shades in between.

Some of these feelings are natural consequences of stretching our comfort zone, but other times they’re indicators about what’s not working and what we need to change.

I’ve learned to stop whenever I’m feeling something overwhelming and ask myself these four questions:
- What led up to this?
- Is this feeling a response to ignoring a need, pushing myself too hard, expecting too much of myself, or somehow treating myself without kindness and compassion?
- Is this a feeling I could release by coming back to the present moment (like worry about the future) or is it something with a lesson for me (like feeling overwhelmed because I need help, or anxious because I need a break)?
- If there’s a lesson, what can I do or change to apply it?
When we learn from our emotions, they become less overpowering and we become more present, more balanced, and more effective.

—

A while back, I wondered if the days of leisurely strolls were over, now that I’ve chosen to do a lot more. Then I realized that’s up to me. There is a grey area between underachieving and overachieving where growth and presence are both possible.

Finding that space is about making conscious choices. I know what those are for me. What are the choices that help you?
April 17, 2013
You Will Never Be Finished: Find Peace by Enjoying Where You Are

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

“I wish I could do it all over again,” said my grandmother on her 60^th wedding anniversary.

“Really?” I asked.

A small smile crossed her face as she replied, “Yes. Because when you enjoy your life—when you really enjoy your life—it just goes by so fast. I wish I could go back and do it all again.”

There was my 80-year-old grandmother, who, in the twilight of her years, spoke to me not of regrets.

Nor did she tell me about all the things she wished she could have done in her life, or wished she had done differently.

There were no shouldas, wouldas, or couldas.

She’d do everything the same. She’d live the same life, with the same experiences, all over again.

I wonder, how many of us will say that in the twilight of our lives?

For many years I wouldn’t have said that. I was unhealthy. I ate too much, drank too much, and hardly exercised. I hated my job in politics and public policy, but didn’t know what else to do in my career. And despite having all these friends and family members around me, I was unhappy.

I lived in my own “dark ages,” until shortly before my 28^th birthday when I woke up. Something had to change—I had to change.

That was three years ago.

I’ve since lost forty pounds and three dress sizes, and kept it off.

And last year, after working almost ten years in politics and public policy, I walked away from my job to work as a freelance writer. My new career has gone better than I could have imagined. (more…)

April 2, 2013
5 Lessons on Bringing Your Dream to Life

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I grew up with a stepdad who was a dreamer. He lived in a world where positive affirmations created a positive life. He believed that going after your heart’s desire was as important as anything else. He lived in the clouds and in his designs and in his visions.

I used to wake up and find that he had left post-it notes on my bathroom mirror with quotes about reaching my dreams such as, “You can if you think you can,” and “Quitters never win, and winners never quit.”

He bought me a pillow speaker when I was seven, so every night I could listen to a subliminal tape repeating how I would succeed beautifully in life.

He held a vision for himself to create his own business. He invented a product to put on every street sweeper and set out to make this dream come true. He worked tirelessly at it for many years, and eventually it took off. He had done it. He was living his dream.

I would love to say that this is where the story ends. I would love to say that he lived happily ever after embracing his dream. But that just wouldn’t be the truth.

What actually happened is that my stepdad’s dream—this life that he created—began to unravel almost as quickly as it had been created. And eventually, he lost everything: his dream, his family, and his life.

(He was never the same after his business folded; his zest for life left him, and he ended up dying at fifty-six from unknown causes. I think that his spirit was broken and his will to live was no longer there.)

But, even though it ended so badly and sadly, he happened to pass on the dreaming torch to me. And I carry it proudly and almost defiantly.

Dreamers aren’t always revered in our society. Sometimes they are seen as flaky or irresponsible. (more…)

April 2, 2013
Releasing Expectations: 4 Ways To Live Your Life for You

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.” ~Raymond Hull

I tell people my 30s were for being married. This is a slight exaggeration, since I’m 39 now and single. However, I married at 30, divorced at 34, married again at 36, and divorced again at almost 39.

Both of the men were great guys. I meant well, each time. I went into each relationship with the intention I’d want to continue it.

Crap happens.

To many people this information is no big deal. I certainly didn’t think it was any big deal. However, I’ve been very surprised at how much judgment some people respond with when they learn I’ve been divorced twice.

There was the acquaintance who informed me it was okay to be divorced twice but that three times would be unacceptable (I guess to him?); there was the “friend” who informed me she didn’t want to hang out anymore because I did not “respect” marriage. (I heard from mutual friends she and her own husband split soon after.)

I’ve suspected that people who do respond with judgment do so, in part, because they expect a response from me that I do not offer. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed; I am not regretful, I have no excuses, and I am not blaming the men. I am simply stating a fact and owning it with great comfort.

My theory is that the judgers are uncomfortable because I do not meet their expectations of how I should live my life and how I should feel about my life experiences.

How often are we attempting to live up to the expectations of others without even realizing it?

Through self-questioning and introspection, we can learn a lot about ourselves, and if (or how much) we are unconsciously making decisions based on others’ expectations. Here are 4 suggestions of ways to do this:

1. Ask yourself, “What are the reasons I want this goal or made this decision?”

Sounds simple, right? Actually, it’s sometimes surprising how little we know about the reasons we’ve made the decisions we have. Dig in a little, be inquisitive, and ask follow-up questions to your initial questions. (more…)

April 1, 2013
Live a Big Life: Shift from “Why Me?” to “Why?”

“The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

We’ve probably all heard this famous piece of wisdom at one time or another.

I’ll be honest, there were a few years where I just plain blew it off.

Like, “Yeah, yeah, journey, reward, I got it. Cool. Now, when’s my ship coming in?”

Not that I was greedy. Just impatient to arrive at a place called Made It. It seemed that other people were already there and I was eager to join them.

I had seen the brochure for Made It and I knew then and there, it was my kind of place.

The trick about getting to Made It is that there wasn’t a singular map. You’re supposed to make your own.

In my case, my map started with, “First, take a hard right at Work Really Hard. Then, follow this for about three to five years.

There won’t be any signs, but if you see exits to places called Partyville and Cul-de-lack-of-Discipline, whatever you do, don’t get off there.

Keep your eyes on the road, stay awake, and eventually, you’ll arrive at your destination.”

Once I’d sussed out my map, I thought it would be a short trip, relatively speaking since I had packed properly.

In my duffle I had: my unique brand of fulfilling creative expression, plenty of determination (roll-on), focus (with back-up laser), integrity (large-ruled), networking ability (with stationary for thank you notes), and extra socks (tenacity can make you perspire).

Oh and sunscreen, because I burn easily and it’s super sunny in Made It.

I had big ambitions since my teens, so I planned to arrive in Made It early, settle in, and eventually get a summer place in Write Your Own Ticket.

I thought I’d be flying high by the time I was twenty-five—living in a two-bedroom condo in a nice high rise in downtown M. I., complete with a jolly doorman and giant beige sectional sofa that could sleep a family of six. (more…)

March 25, 2013
Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment?

“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

For a long time, I felt like I was standing on a riverbank just watching the water of life go by, too scared to jump in and play. I was waiting for the perfect current to come along that I could ride all the way to the completion of my intensely detailed life goals.

I didn’t want to move until I felt like success was guaranteed and I was certain it was the “right” thing. Life was flowing, and I wasn’t doing anything. You can never be certain about the future.

Around this time, I graduated engineering school, and instead of feeling excited and free, I felt like a large weight was dropped on my shoulders. I had a lot of expectations to meet, all of which were self-imposed.

After all, I had an engineering degree. By the world’s standards, I was bound to be successful, get a great job, and make money.

The thing is, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the path of engineering in the traditional sense was not right for me. I also couldn’t seem to function with the weight of these expectations. I got depressed, frustrated, and disappointed with myself for not pursuing engineering right way.

I expected myself to be successful, which eventually escalated into expectations of perfection in all the areas of my life.

One day, I was on a walk with my dad and he said to me, “Amanda, you just have to jump in the river and swim! You might wash up on the shore of the riverbank a little ways down, but at least you’re moving. Plus, you never know who or what will be there on the shore waiting for you. Just jump in and stop trying to set expectations for the future. Jump in and ride whatever current looks good now.”

That’s exactly what I did. Instead of focusing on what to do, where to go, and how I was going to accomplish everything I thought I wanted in life, I focused on releasing the expectations I had about it all.

I focused on what I wanted to and could do now. I finally jumped in.

The following are some tips and lessons I learned while making the transition from expectation overload to the lightness of exploration. (more…)

March 21, 2013
When Your Beliefs Hold You Back: Release Them to Avoid Regret
“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~lan Watts

Do you hear voices?

Even when you are alone, there is usually someone talking to you. And you hear them loud and clear.

Everyone has an internal dialogue going through their heads for a large part of the day. Just because you hear these “voices” it doesn’t mean you are crazy.

On the other hand, these voices can make you believe some crazy things.

Most of what these voices tell you is negative. And when you hear these negative things often enough, you come to believe them.

The worst part is that these voices speak to you in the first person, making you imagine that it’s actually your words:
- “I’ll never be able to lose weight. I just have a slow metabolism.”
- “Old/Bald/Fat people like me never find fulfilling relationships.”
- “I’m not the kind of person who can start my own business—people like me just get a ‘comfortable’ job.”
Underlying each of these statements are assumptions that restrain your behavior, or limiting beliefs. See if you can spot some.

For a long time, I thought I had to become a professional, like a doctor, lawyer, or accountant.

Since I was good at math, I decided to become an actuary. I was fairly content with this decision for a while.

But despite enjoying my 10-week internship, I felt like I couldn’t handle 40+ straight years of corporate work.

In my mind, however, it would have been a waste of my intelligence to do anything else that I wanted to do, such as writing. Plus, I craved the ego boost that comes from other people seeing me as intelligent.

So I applied for more actuarial jobs. And I got rejected from all of them.

While it certainly did hurt to get rejected, it forced me to choose another path for myself. (more…)
March 18, 2013
Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

They say the greatest joy in life is to be able to live your passion every day, and I only had to look to my teens to remember that what I had always enjoyed doing most—working out. That’s where I wanted to go in life.

Held hostage by worries about the future, status, and money, I decided to head on a different path. I did well in college, graduating with a business degree and a double major in finance and accounting.

A few years later, it was clear that something was off. So last year, I made the big decision to pursue my passion in fitness by becoming a certified personal trainer. The start of the year was full of energy and joy. I was glad that I had finally found my direction, something that I wholeheartedly wanted to do.

I was a man on a mission. By the end of August, I had accomplished my task by taking all the exams and passing the instructor competency evaluation.

Whew, I thought.

All I had to do now was wait for a letter of approval and a wallet card to make it official.

But, what was supposed to take a few weeks ended up taking more than two months. This was the kink in my momentum.

Before I ran into this speed bump, I had everything all carefully and strategically planned out. After I became an accredited personal trainer, it would be “go” time.

Then, while waiting for my accreditation to come through, I felt stuck. I couldn’t start taking clients. I just waited. And with extra time on my hands, I started to think.

This thinking was good at first; I laid out my plans and business strategically. But the more I thought about my personal training business, the more I started to worry.

My worries soon manifested into fear and doubt. I started to feel sick, both inside and out. It wasn’t long before the slow days gave way to questions. Did I give up pursuing a career in the finance industry for this? Was this all a mistake? (more…)

March 13, 2013
Getting to Know Yourself, What You Like, and What You Want in Life

“Be yourself; everyone is already taken” ~Oscar Wilde

In some ways, it may seem counterintuitive to have to learn to know yourself. Surely that should be a given, right? Not necessarily.

While our experiences clearly helped shape us into the people we are today, this does not mean that we necessarily know who we really are—what we are passionate about and what we want from life.

Since we were tiny, we’ve developed beliefs and values, some good and some not so good, as a result of our environment and the pressure from society to conform.

When I was younger, I associated academic achievement and fitting into a group with my self-worth.

Having an older sister who was academically superior to me made me feel worthless and led to issues with low self-esteem.

I was so paranoid about being liked that I would often force myself to attend school even when I was incredibly ill, in case friends decided they no longer wanted me in their group.

In retrospect, this all sounds incredibly irrational, but at the time it made perfect sense. Despite the emotional turmoil I constantly experienced, school became a symbol of familiarity.

I thought that if I worked hard and got into a good university, everything would finally fall into place.

So I worked extremely hard, achieved good grades, and got an offer to study at Cambridge University. I had proven to everyone else that I was intelligent, but this “proof” seemed strangely hollow.

Despite thinking that all these achievements would make me feel better, I felt numb. This was what I had wanted, and yet I still wasn’t happy. I started thinking there was something wrong with me. (more…)

March 7, 2013
Changing Direction: It’s Not Too Late to Be Who You Want to Be

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

Growing up, people always saw me as the over-achiever and said, “That girl is really going to make something of herself one day.”

I often felt the pressure of having to live up to these expectations.

I recently turned 30 and it was a day of reflection for me. I always had this idea that by the time I turned 30, I’d be one of the top celebrities in South Africa, living the life of a talented singer, a self-made millionaire, driving a fancy car, living in a big mansion—the works!

I realized I was merely living up to an idea I had in my head of what success meant to me.

Perhaps what I wanted was a tad unrealistic.

I’ve always been told to dream big and have gone through many ups and downs working toward these goals, but at some point I decided to change my direction.

I had to grow up and realize that perhaps these things I wanted just weren’t in the cards for me, and that maybe, in realizing my true potential, I first had to be content with that notion.

When I did this, I realized what I definitely wanted in my life, and it couldn’t have happened at a more perfect time.

I have my day job (of course); I work in the web industry as a developer and I love it. I enjoy the people I work with and I’m excited to come to work every day.

It’s just that lately, I’ve started thinking about where my life is headed and how I want contribute to this world and do my part to make it a better place. (more…)

February 26, 2013
Feeling Lost and How It Can Help You Find Yourself

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Another day, another class missed, another alarm turned off. No motivation but to turn the pillow over to its colder side and lay there half asleep, unanswered questions gliding in and out of my mind.

This was how most of my mornings went in my last days of college. I had never been too motivated by the promise of college, even in high school, but it had always been set in my head that a college degree was my goal, my path to that elusive happiness we all crave.

It was my belief, and perhaps my parents’ as well, that I would head off to have the proverbial college experience and in the process I would become a lawyer or some sort of government official. That I would just wake up one day and say, “Aha! I know what I want to do for the rest of my life!” But that morning epiphany never came.

All that happened was a continuous cycle of partying, all night study sessions, followed by a complete and utter lack of fulfillment. So I dropped out. I moved back home with no degree, disappointed parents, and a deep sense of failure and confusion.

It was one of the most trying times in my life simply because I realized that my life had been on autopilot.

Everything about my future was ambiguously assumed. I would get into debt by going to college, then I would be forced to get a job to pay off that debt, while still getting into more and more debt by buying a house and a car. It seemed like a never-ending cycle that had no place for the possibility of a dream.

I wanted more—but not necessarily in the material sense of personal wealth and success. I wanted more out of life. I wanted a passion, a conceptual dream that wouldn’t let me sleep out of pure excitement. I wanted to spring out of bed in the morning, rain or shine, and have that zest for life that seemed so intrinsic in early childhood. (more…)

February 24, 2013
Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

As the days have continued on past the beginning of the New Year, my discontent has been growing as I’ve been thinking (or worrying) about how unmotivated I feel.

The holidays have come to a close, the New Year began, we made wonderful goals for ourselves, and yet, I’ve begun nothing. I wanted to write another article, keep up with my blog(s), organize my house, work on my finances and my fitness, and start new projects.

The holidays were rough to get through this year, but they are over now, and though I know it’s early in the year so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I still feel a sense of urgency and disappointment that I’m having trouble getting started.

This created more discontent and frustration. What could I possibly share with anyone with my head in this state? So, I did the only thing I thought I could—I let it go.

Sometimes realizations hit you like a ton of bricks, and this one did. Once I let that urgency go, I was able to approach the situation more calmly.

I was then able to realize that I was forgetting one of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my journey to better living: everything is happening as it should be.

This does not mean to live life with complete inaction.

You can’t, for example, bring in your mail, toss the bills on the table, and “let it go.”

The universe isn’t going to pay your bills for you. But letting the fear that you “don’t have enough” to pay your bills keep you from opening them, so as to avoid the scary situation inside, will only help you dig a deeper hole for yourself.

The “letting go” that I am referring to here pertains to the fear and worry.

No matter what the situation is, try to let go of the fear of what’s going to happen. Know that you really do have the power to take care of it. There is always a solution. You are not powerless. (more…)

January 30, 2013
10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life
“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

I had just started my second year of grad school and I was a month into my internship at an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility.

I loved what I was doing and I was really good at it. With conviction, I had found my passion.

During these documented months of my life, I was also:
- Catching myself being “in my head” and too hard on myself
- Feeling angry with my parents after identifying the residual effects of the parenting I received, and then forgiving my mom for not understanding how to foster my spirit
- Exploring my birth chart, seeing a psychic (or two), and using meditation and Dan Millman’s ideas to find my life purpose
- “Practicing” with men and dissecting the happenings of all my past romantic relationships
- Recognizing self-sabotage and self-deprecating tendencies and making an effort to change my self-talk (what I say and how I converse with myself when alone)
- Beginning to understand that my thoughts affect my behavior, which impacts the circumstances of my life
- Learning how to love myself, faults and all, and how to be my own partner so I know how I want a man to treat me
- Practicing presence—trying to stay in the moment
- Asking myself the hard-to-answer questions that I had previously been skilled at avoiding. Example: Why is my heart closed-off?
- Investigating vulnerability, yet still feeling unable to attempt it in any real way
- Trying to set personal goals
- Starting to have close, meaningful relationships with intelligent, curious, and motivated women for the first time in my life
- Acknowledging guilt I felt about making my life what I want it to be
- Struggling with verbal communication and assertiveness—what I needed to say to people in my life
- Starting to see what love really means—the action, the verb, instead of a noun (more…)
January 30, 2013
6 Ways to Live a Life of Passion and Adventure Right Now

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

I remember dreaming for years about living abroad. First it was Italy so that I could discover my roots. Then it was Fiji because it seemed like the furthest place from Los Angeles (which I actually did, but only for two months during the summer of 2003).

After Fiji, there was an eight-year gap that was full of college and Corporate America. My daily routine involved waking up early, working all day, and studying all night. As I’m writing this I can picture myself a year and a half ago, sitting in my office and gazing out of the 20^th floor wondering what it would be like to live in another country.

Then one day I chose to stop dreaming. Instead, I chose to start planning.

I was fed up with my inability to take action and go for what I wanted. I gave myself eight months to save enough money, plan where I would go, and tie up any loose ends.

My goal was to live abroad for a year.

I worked two jobs, sometimes three, so I could save enough money for the school loans and credit card bills I would still have to pay while I was gone. I had no social life, but I knew that I was working toward a life-changing experience.

I wanted to get over the fluency hump in Spanish, so I looked into countries in Latin America. I also wanted to give back, so I looked into volunteer opportunities.

In September of 2011 I quit my job and moved to Costa Rica.

I volunteered for two months teaching English at a local school in a poor neighborhood. It was rewarding beyond belief. Then I spent a month getting TEFL certified so I could continue my travels and make money teaching English along the way.

Suddenly, panic struck. In December I thought the money was going to run out and I would have to go home.

As fate would have it, two weeks before I was due to leave, a friend told me about a job opening at a local company she had just started working at. She knew my background was in marketing and social media, and they just happened to have a Social Media Manager opening. I interviewed and got the job!

Then, as fate would have it (again), the Director of Communications quit the day I started. After the initial shock, I decided that my journey didn’t end there and applied for her position.

That same week I became the new Director of Communications for a multi-million dollar company in Costa Rica. What?! (more…)

January 22, 2013
How to Believe in Yourself in the Face of Overwhelming Self-Doubt

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

You know what that voice in your head says…

You can’t do it. You’ll never be good enough. You’re going to fail.

This voice taunts you whenever you set a goal. It criticizes you when life gets difficult. It beats you down when you struggle to stand up against its running commentary.

You know you shouldn’t let self-doubt bother you, but it’s a sneaky critter. Sometimes, you just can’t contain it and it slips past your barriers.

And self-doubt is greedy. When it’s loose, it devours your confidence, strips logic and reason from your mind, and steals happiness from your heart. In return, it leaves you with only fear and insecurity.

You try to remove self-doubt by forcing yourself to “think positive,” which usually doesn’t work as well as you think it should.

The more you fight your self-doubt, the more it fights back. However, with self-knowledge and understanding, you can use self-doubt for your benefit.

A Story about Crushing Dreams and “Being Realistic”

When I was a child, I was in love with drawing. For me, drawing was as exciting as going to the playground.

At some point in my childhood, I decided I’d become an artist of some kind. But the critics in my life were quick to cut me down. I’ll bet you’ve heard the same kind of clichés:

“Art is great but not a ‘realistic’ future goal. While it’s a nice hobby to have, you can’t really make a living out of it. You’ll just be another starving artist.”

As children, we internalize these negative messages and parrot them back. If the adults say so, it must be true, right? By adulthood, every time we have a small hope, we’re the first to snuff it out: (more…)

January 8, 2013
Realizing Your Dream: Stop Dwelling on “What Ifs”

“Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.” ~Unknown

I think I always had an idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I sort of tweaked it along the way. I knew I wanted to work in the field of science, but like most kids, I wasn’t exactly sure where I fit in.

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut. At the age of 14, I wanted to do absolutely anything for the United States Air Force (pilot, scientist, etc.). By the time I was 18 years old, I wanted to be a microbiologist.

When I finally did grow up, I found myself working in bars by night and a dead-end office job by day; this lasted for most of my 20s. Who was I to complain? I was making decent money, but I felt awfully unfulfilled.

I knew that I had what it takes to actually be a scientist, but I was not sure exactly how to get there. And for a moment, I thought it was too late.

My childhood family was not comprised of college-bound folks; there were both hard workers and slackers alike, but school was not considered to be important.

I was never pushed academically, and there were rarely any consequences for receiving bad grades. Also, like many families in the United States, mine was extremely dysfunctional.

I was actually quite an intelligent child. I comprehended the concepts that the instructors were teaching; I just did not care to pay attention. And why would I?

No one in my home valued education. Despite being able to understand science with my eyes shut, I struggled with mathematics because it’s hard to learn the subject when one is being rebellious. (more…)

January 3, 2013