Tiny Buddha

Tag: dreams

  • 7 Tips for Pursuing Your Passion, Even If You Feel Behind

    7 Tips for Pursuing Your Passion, Even If You Feel Behind

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    “Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    From center stage I looked out into the crowd as the stage lights warmed my face and did their best to obscure my vision.

    In the half-light of the seating area I spotted the faces of family, friends, many other members of the local jazz community, and other people who had come out to support me. Smiling. Clapping. Congratulating.

    I didn’t feel happy. Not exactly. The situation was too surreal to do much except just notice it. Nor did I feel relief that the event had more or less gone off without a hitch.

    It was the final concert that every jazz performance student at my university has to put on at the end of their third year. For me, it was particularly special because of all the obstacles I’d overcome to get there.

    I’d been accepted into the school having played guitar for two years, when most of the other students had been playing since the beginning of junior high at the very latest.

    And I’d only been accepted because the guitar instructor, who I’d taken a couple lessons with, told the judges panel during my entrance performance that I’d made the most week-to-week progress he’d seen in thirty years of teaching.

    At that time, I could barely even read music. But I knew my instrument well and was ridiculously driven.

    I also had chronic tendonitis.

    That year, I had only picked up my guitar for classes and performances. Otherwise it was too painful to touch. To practice, I would visualize the instrument and play in my head.

    Naturally, my outlet for my frustration over the situation was the very thing I couldn’t do.

    It had been the most challenging year of my life. In third year the gloves came off and we were expected to become true professionals.

    My friends would pull the occasional all-nighter to write an essay or finish a project. For me, practicing until five in the morning had become routine. I would have to laugh to myself when people told me I had it good—that I got to play for work.

    Yet, for that one night, on stage with some of the best musicians in the city—leading them even—I felt like I was truly one of them. The long days and longer nights spent practicing had been validated.

    It would be my final concert. My injuries were too much to continue playing. In hindsight, the growing problem had been incredibly obvious. But at the time, I wanted it so badly I pushed through the pain and threw out the long-term repercussions.

    When I finally stepped off the stage my friend LadyBird ran over and engulfed me with a huge hug, gasping “You did it.” She had been the one who convinced me to pursue music when I was in my last year of high school, and we’d spent countless nights together practicing over the last few years.

    Even three and a half years later, thinking of that night makes my eyes misty. A mélange of joy and sadness.

    The whole experience in the jazz program and the aftermath taught me an incredible amount about myself, life, passion, and persistence. Here are 7 of the main lessons I learned along the way:

    1. Only you can decide whether you’re “good enough” to do something.

    Everyone was a beginner once, and it’s better to start late than never.

    2. Be patient.

    Life will do funny things to throw you off course, but you have your entire life ahead of you to pursue your passion. Things don’t have to happen right away. Take care of the current situation, keep moving forward each day, and you’ll be happy where you end up.

    3. Don’t get so caught up in your passion that you neglect the other important areas of your life.

    I neglected my health and to a lesser extent, my relationships when I was pursuing my passion for music.

    Passion, that fire that burns brightly inside us, can push us to incredible heights. But it can also consume and destroy.

    Leading a well rounded life will make it easier to appreciate your passion and share it with the world than locking yourself away to pursue a narrow, single purpose.

    4. Ask for help from people have gone through what you are.

    Often we feel like asking questions is a sign of weakness, like we’re admitting our own ignorance. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re admitting a willingness to learn and displaying humility.

    5. When you’re at your lowest moment, you’re near a huge breakthrough—even if it’s not the one you expected.

    It’s how we handle the worst moments that ultimately determine our success.

    6. Appreciate how amazing it is that you even have an opportunity to pursue a passion.

    That puts you in a minority of all the people who have ever lived. You don’t have to hunt/gather food, farm the land, or otherwise spend every moment focusing on your survival.

    You get to do something for the pure and simple fact that you enjoy it.

    And that’s amazing.

    7. Never, ever give up.

    I lied earlier. It wasn’t actually my last concert. Only the last one until the next one.

    Photo by Shan Sheehan

  • 4 Tips to Help You Keep Going When You’re Filled with Doubt

    4 Tips to Help You Keep Going When You’re Filled with Doubt

    “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.

    “Just research, research, research. That’s what grad school is.”

    It seemed as though that was all I was hearing from my professors, and it wasn’t helpful.

    Since returning to school to get my master’s degree, I had maintained a 4.0 average, but I also hadn’t taken more than two classes at a time. Until now.

    When I enrolled for the fall semester, I chose to take twelve hours, or one full class more than the nine maximum hours recommended. I did this against the advice of my advisor, and I did this knowing that I also had three jobs and three children.

    I told myself then that it was only sixteen weeks, and anyone could get through sixteen weeks. I told myself that my kids were older (sophomore, junior, and out of school) and didn’t need me like they used to. I told myself that I was unstoppable.

    And I did feel unstoppable. Until I actually started the semester. Suddenly, juggling fifty hours of work, ten hours of commute, and twelve hours of school seemed like the dumbest thing I could do to myself. I had no days off. I had to budget my time down to each hour. I rarely saw my kids.

    My husband travels for work and he was on a long job in Canada, so that helped as far as my guilt over not being around for him, but he was due to come back soon, and I was going to be too busy to spend quality time with him.

    So it was, upon hearing the seminar speaker recommend researching exhaustively, that I felt dangerously close to tears.

    What am I doing? I thought to myself. Why am I even here? There’s no guarantee I’ll find a job after graduation. A master’s degree doesn’t equal a guarantee. Why am I doing this and missing all this time with my kids? Why am I doing this at my age? I have no right to be here. I’m too old. I’m not smart enough. Everyone else seems so with it. How much longer can I fake my way through this?

    If I hadn’t already paid (and that was another thing, why did I waste this money that could have gone toward something worthier, like my children?), I would have dropped out. I continued to go to every class, feeling like I was losing my grip a little more week by week, growing ever closer to complete panic.

    Then one day I walked into my International Communication class, and a fellow student asked if she could share a video. The professor agreed, and so it was that I watched something that changed my thinking.

    The video was called “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” and it was a beautiful speech by Amy Cuddy about learning to understand your own abilities. It was very motivational, dealing with power poses and teaching yourself confidence.

    The video itself put me in my place. But it was one line in particular that really struck me.

    “Fake it until you make it,” Cuddy said, “and if you don’t, fake it until you become it.”

    She was speaking of her own journey returning to school after a debilitating brain injury, but she was also speaking of a student she had advised who had come into her office ready to drop out because she just wasn’t smart enough to keep going in her program.

    Seeing this woman, who had once been told her head injury was so great that college would no longer be an option for her, who had been told that she would be lucky to hold a job, speaking about her long battle to return to school, really hit me.

    Here was someone who had fought a real battle. She had struggled for years to be able to return to school, and here I was whining about sixteen weeks? I didn’t even have a disability to overcome—except the power of my own negative thinking.

    From that point forth, I decided that I did have a right to be sitting in that classroom. I did have a right to be enrolled in the graduate program, and I did have what it took to graduate. So I made myself a little list of motivators.

    1. Give up attachment.

    In my case, it was crippling fear, but in generalization, it’s attachment to any negative self-talk you have.

    I attached fear to my enrollment in the graduate program, and it had been overriding everything and holding me down.

    By giving up my attachment to that abusive inner dialogue, I was able to release some of that fear and anxiety I associated with school. I was able to look at it objectively by removing myself from it emotionally. I have to remind myself every day to hold onto that objectivity and release the fear, but so far it’s working.

    2. Fake it until you make it.

    This is obviously right out of Cuddy’s playbook, but she was right. When I started to pretend like I was just as smart as everyone else in my classes, I felt a little ridiculous. But after a couple of weeks, I started to realize that I had just as much to contribute as anyone else.

    We’re all different people, so wouldn’t it make sense that we approached the class differently? Once I realized that different didn’t mean smarter, I was able to relax and actually absorb some knowledge.

    3. Remember that nothing lasts forever.

    If I had dropped out of the program, I obviously wouldn’t graduate. This stress is only temporary. When it’s over, I’ll have a master’s degree, and nobody can take that away from me. It will be worth it in the end, and I’ll be a stronger person for it.

    4. Take it one day at a time.

    There is no use holding onto stress and misery over something in the future. Do what you can today. Then repeat it the next day. But this moment is all we have. Seize it.

    Am I magically a more well-adjusted, intelligent, and super-fun person as a result of all of this? Absolutely not. I still struggle almost daily, but it’s different now.

    I know what I have to do, and I broke it all down into manageable pieces. I tell myself, “This is all you have to do today.” It truly makes a difference.

    If you’re struggling over an obstacle in your life, remind yourself that all you can do is live in the moment you’re in right now. Don’t believe everything that you think. And you are good enough. We all have anxiety and we all have stumbling blocks. Think of them as inner strength boosters.

    As for me, well, I’m halfway through. But that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is today. And it’s a pretty good day.

  • When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    Deep Thought

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce

    I’ve had a bit of experience with disappointment. I got very motivated to change my relationship with it when I was in my twenties and starting my acupuncture practice.

    I knew it would take time to build my client base; what I didn’t realize, or more likely was in denial about, was that a very effective way of doing that was by arranging public speaking gigs. I absolutely hated public speaking. Big disappointment.

    I also didn’t consider how much work running a business really was. I had to talk to supplement vendors, deal with the landlord, make sure the copy machine was working, learn new computer programs, do the laundry, and on and on.

    I wanted to do acupuncture! I didn’t want to vacuum the floors and call about the errors on the phone bill! I realized pretty quickly I had to learn how to reassess my feelings of disappointment or I wouldn’t have the gumption and energy to continue on my quest.

    Having the tenacity to overcome disappointment is a necessary skill. Some disappointing experiences are unavoidable. Sometimes that engaging person we meet at the coffee shop doesn’t call, or the job we were a great fit for is offered to someone else.

    These things happen, and generally we can roll with it.

    However, with larger scale disappointments, or recurring disappointments, it’s great to have a strategy to transform that “down” feeling into motivated action.

    When we feel disappointed, it’s easy for us to slow down, to say, “Why bother?” and to allow ourselves to get knocked off our trajectory. The following steps can help shift our viewpoint and revamp those feelings into action.

    1. Explore your original expectations surrounding the goal.

    If there is disappointment, then there was expectation. So what was our initial expectation? The answer to this is sometimes surprising…

    Once that’s fleshed out, we can ask ourselves, was this expectation realistic? Was it well thought out? What was motivating the desired outcome to begin with? Did we do the steps that one might reasonably expect to do to experience this desired outcome?

    These can be hard questions. At times we’ll find our expectations are very reasonable. Other times, not so much. It can be tough to break down our desires, which are largely driven by emotions, in this logical manner.

    However, it’s a great practice that can help us to explore our expectations more deeply. It helped me to recognize that my initial expectations about having my own business were idealistic vs. real world.

    2. Make a decision.

    Armed with the information we’ve gathered from the previous set of explorations, it’s time to decide how we want to proceed.

    Our decision will fall into one of three categories:

    We can continue on in the same vein after the desired outcome.

    This would be a great route if we’ve decided that while, yes, it was disappointing that our favorite boutique doesn’t want to carry our new jewelry line, there are other cool shops in town we can approach as well.

    We can change the route we will take to reach the desired outcome.

    This can be the most complicated decision, depending on the outcome. We may realize we don’t have the training required to get the job we’d like, hence it being offered to someone else.

    We still want the job, so it may be time to look into continuing education or an unpaid internship to gain more experience. The outcome will remain the same, there’s just a bit of recalculating required to get there.

    We can change the desired outcome altogether.

    This is not about experiencing defeat or throwing in the towel. Rather, sometimes this type of deeper exploration will help us to further refine what our desires are.

    For example, I have a friend who wanted to go back to school for a degree in childhood education. After applying to several programs and being turned down, despite a great application and transcripts, her disappointment was pretty evident.

    I suggested these steps to her, and through personal question-asking she came to realize she didn’t want to go back to school at all. The key was that she wanted to work with children, so she decided to change the focus of her current profession, physical therapy, so that she specialized in working with kids.

    3. Install some new expectations.

    While the second step may have seemed like the last, don’t skip this third one!

    Regardless of which of the three types of decision we make, we want to make sure we toss out the old expectations and replace them with new, updated, and perhaps more informed (or more realistic) versions.

    If we have never jogged for exercise but want to start, setting a goal to run a 5k in six months time is more prudent then planning on a marathon. Making dinner for a friend when we are first learning to cook is more sensible then attempting a five-course dinner for 12.

    Keeping our incremental goals levelheaded while we dream big is a great way to reach those dreams.

    It’s common for successful people to describe their journey as a long series of minor and major obstacles, infused with a few glorious moments of achievement. Their ability to withstand disappointment, reassess their route, and continue on their road is an incredibly important part of their success.

    What disappointments have you overcome in your life and how did you grow from them?

    Photo by Shayan USA

  • Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Hiding

    “Worry looks around, fear looks back, faith looks up, guilt looks down, but I look forward.” ~Unknown

    I moved houses a couple of weeks ago. It was the perfect opportunity to take a break, pause and reflect, and decide on the directions I wanted my small business to take.

    And I did just that: I rested, took the time to think and get über clear about what I wanted to do next and how, revamped my offerings, made a super duper inspiring goal list and… decided that getting to know our neighbors’ cats was far more fascinating than, you know, work.

    It didn’t take me long to realize what was going on here: my old friend resistance was paying me a visit, and it didn’t want to leave anytime soon.

    When I see resistance, I usually choose to either push through (and end up so tired I could sleep for a month), or give in and get nothing done (resistance: 1, Emmanuelle: 0).

    This time I chose a new road. I chose to see it. To hear it. To listen to it.

    Acknowledge

    The first thing I did was to acknowledge resistance. It was my reality, it was there; I could not deny it. So instead of playing ostrich and burying my head in the sand, I chose to face what was really going on and become present to it.

    When you feel something that you don’t really want to feel, the first step in letting it go is acknowledging it, accepting that it is what it is, that it is your current reality.

    Feel the fear…

    Now that I was seeing the resistance, its true colors were showing. Because you see, resistance is a disguise, and what hides beneath is fear.

    It could be fear of failure. It could be fear of success. It could be fear of falling flat on your face and making a fool of yourself. What is hiding beneath resistance, what is holding you back from taking that next big bold step ?

    For me, it was fear of being seen. Fear of exposing myself in such a way that it brought back my insecurities and blocks. Fear of going to a new level and failing miserably, because apparently that is what was supposed to happen, right? Right.

    … and do it anyway

    That’s when I made another decision.

    Once I recognized my fear, I chose to have a chat with her. Yes she’s a she, a pre-teen hiding in the dark corner of the room, curled up into a ball. It’s much easier to have a conversation with your fear once you can see it as a person. And the truth is, it is usually a version of yourself, the dark version, the shadow you don’t want anyone to see.

    So I had this conversation with her. I told her I knew she was trying to protect me from the unknown, she was trying to keep me safe, but everything was going to be all right. I told her I was going to make sure she wouldn’t go through this again, because I committed to do my 100% best at all times.

    She smiled, opened up, and reached for my hand. She said she was going to watch, but she knew she could trust me. She knew I could trust myself.

    And you can, too.

    When resistance shows up, first acknowledge it, invite it to come in, and identify the fear behind it . Use that fear to propel you to do your 100% best at all times. That scared person in the dark corner of the room? Let him or her become your best friend and your fuel.

    Here is the thing with resistance and fear: When you decide to think and play bigger, to show up like you’ve never done before, to make bold moves, resistance will show up, there is no way around it.

    It’s part of the process; it means that you are on the threshold, waiting to take the next step toward another level of consciousness, another level of being.

    Resistance is here for you to make a choice : stay on the threshold, or look forward and step up.

    Which one will it be?

    Photo by r.f.m. II

  • Learning to Enjoy the Process and Stop Worrying About the Outcome

    Learning to Enjoy the Process and Stop Worrying About the Outcome

    Happy

    “Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you” ~John De Paula

    Remember the Tasmanian Devil?

    That crazed Loony Tunes cartoon character spinning out of control, crashing into everything in his path? Arriving in a blur. Leaving chaos in its wake.

    That was pretty much me and my approach to “living my passion.”

    This is hard to write but here goes (deep breath)…

    Not too long ago I was seriously trying to accomplish all of these things at the same time:

    • Play in a rock and roll band of middle aged men living in New York City, rehearse regularly, play live shows, tour, and still play dad to a family of four.
    • Engineer and produce our own albums while simultaneously attempting to produce other artists to help them realize their artistic vision
    • Start my own blog to inspire awesomeness in other creators
    • Guest post for major blogs and write epic content regularly to help their audience and build up my own blog audience
    • Shoot my own videos, create graphics, and edit them (though I have little to no skills in any of these areas) for my blog
    • Write a novel and multiple eBooks
    • Design cool music themed apps
    • Stay gainfully employed (a day job I desperately wanted to quit to make more time for all of the above)
    • Practice meditation and find the deeper meaning to my life

    The idea was that my brilliant plan would eventually pay off and sustain my family completely so that I could:

    • Pay a New York City mortgage
    • Put food on the table
    • Make time for my two young children
    • Spend some quality alone time with my wife and stay married
    • Have the freedom to create more awesome art

    So how did that all work out, you might ask. Total disaster. Here’s a glimpse into my crazy Tazmanian lifestyle:

    I would commute to my day gig and write blog posts while standing up on crowded subway cars. I’d come home and have a quick dinner, hang out with the children, and pretend to listen as they would excitedly recount their day. But I wasn’t really present. Then I would dash off after their bedtime to my studio man cave to work on my music until the wee hours.

    Then I would collapse into bed every night, only to get up a few hours later and do it all over again. At the end of my self-imposed exile of several months, I would finally return home victorious, the proud father of a shiny new CD.

    But there was no applause in my household. Only a very chilly reception from an ever more distant wife who understood my passion but couldn’t accept its all-consuming nature or my many frazzled creative endeavors.

    Then I would spend the next few months trying to stitch back together our relationship. But the chasm between us was growing and heading to the point of no return, having repeated this scenario at least three times before since we had known each other.

    I knew something needed to change, and quickly, if I was going to try and stay married.

    How did I arrive here, you might ask.

    Simply put, I became a casualty of the Digital Revolution. A world where faster is better, multi-tasking is the national anthem, and technology will set you free to be more productive and make you more intelligent.

    Where you don’t need human interaction anymore. You can simply “connect” to your global audience, which was almost as good as being there with them.

    Except that it’s not.

    I was duped into believing that I could accomplish so many more tasks with all this technology and achieve incredible feats by simply sitting in front of a computer screen.

    I was also following several successful bloggers and online marketers and learning everything I could from them. But this only amplified the delusion that I could accomplish all these things at once because they had done it.

    Only all those marketers seemed very focused on just one thing and they were doing it really well. The problem for me was that I had many irons in many different fires and none of them were getting very hot.

    I call this The Flailing Effect.

    But thank God (or Buddha as it were) that somewhere in the midst of all this chaos I began practicing meditation. You could say I finally caught my breath. I quickly began to slow down and see a different perspective.

    It didn’t happen overnight. There were no tectonic shifts in my crazy lifestyle. In fact, I had to get up even earlier to now fit my meditation into my already insane schedule.

    But it was the best thing I ever could have done.

    Slowly, through the practice of quieting my mind, I began to find clarity.

    I clearly saw my attachment to this desperate need to accomplish something important in this life and be recognized by the world for it; and how these external accomplishments would somehow validate me as a person, as though who I was already wasn’t enough.

    It didn’t take long before I recognized the insanity in my ways.

    It became clear that I really needed to define what I wanted my life to stand for. Then I needed to eliminate everything else that didn’t serve that end.

    But the most important discovery was learning to finally let go of all expectations that any of these aspirations needed to come true. Or if they were meant to be, I needed to stop worrying about when they were going to happen, which it turns out was a huge source of frustration.

    Attachment, worry, frustration—these things don’t exist in nature. Things unfold as they are supposed to in nature.

    Sometimes the rains come. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes one storm can change the course of millions of lives in just a few minutes.

    A river runs its course based on the lay of the land. When it meets an obstacle, it doesn’t fight with it. It simply goes around it…eventually.

    How long it takes is of little consequence. After some six million years or so, it might carve something as magnificent as the Grand Canyon. Nobody’s watching the clock in nature.

    A tree is happy wherever it grows. It doesn’t secretly wish to sprout legs and run off to some other more happening part of the forest. (Robert Frost wrote a pretty great poem on this subject.)

    In Buddhism, they call this patient acceptance.

    Life happens in spite of your wishes. This is the nature of all things. When I began to accept this, my frustrations started to melt away.

    When you can see yourself as a part of that nature, not separate from it, and start behaving as nature does, you will become more peaceful.

    I’ve learned to embrace the work now.

    The day to day. Nothing else matters, except my family. When I’m with my kids or my wife now, I try to really be present, to enjoy the now in each moment.

    When I finish a post or a song after many hours of editing and polishing it to a fine shine, I can stand back and smile. Another child is born. Then I put it out into the world.

    I do wish for it a happy, prosperous life as any father would. I just don’t worry so much any more about how it all turns out.

    It all turns out fine.

    Photo by Nguyen ST

  • It’s Not Over: Failure Is Success in the Making

    It’s Not Over: Failure Is Success in the Making

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce

    Everyone has a story of failure and disadvantage—those things we wish were done differently, better, or not at all. Take these stories for instance:

    A speaker intending to be unifying and encouraging onstage leaves the audience disappointed and bored instead.

    A lone manuscript is rejected by publishing houses over twenty-seven times, dismissed as too fanciful, fake, and “never gonna sell.”

    A poor eleven-year-old boy, deprived of toys his entire childhood, trudges through sleet and snow on his newspaper route in order to help support his family.

    An author struggles to write a novel, while a divorced, jobless, and homeless single parent facing a deep depression.

    Maybe your story sounds a lot like one of these? Is your situation cause to give up or is it motivation to keep pressing forward?

    I, myself, press forward past my bouts of feeling like a failure. Like when I ran for student body treasurer in the seventh grade and lost to my opponent. Or when I got fired from my first job after college. And especially when I had to dissolve my two-year old, bankrupt business at the turn of the 2008 recession.

    No fun.

    Fast forward: At the end of junior high, I graduated valedictorian. Weeks after I lost my job, I found work with a company that was a much better fit for my skill set and personality. And after shutting down my business, I went back to school, earned my Master’s in Business Administration, and graduated with honors.

    Not having perspective vast enough to see how failure could actually help me, I thought I had met my end during those painful days. Each event felt tragic. But I consistently came to find there was something else to be enjoyed after one door closed.

    Looking back, I see it was all good, everything that happened.

    What if we had that hindsight now—amidst the difficult times? Wouldn’t our experience be much more bearable (if not enjoyable)?

    The opportunities that arose after the so-called failures made what I wanted before pale in comparison to what I eventually got. I just had to be patient to see it unfold.

    You and Failure

    Failure is defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary as “the action or state of not functioning.” In other words, failure’s something that stops you; it gets you nowhere. Do you stop moving, stop breathing, or stop living when things don’t go as planned?

    This body only stops when its heart stops beating. So every day it keeps ticking is another chance at progress.

    Don’t you always take another step, even if it was just to pick yourself up out of bed today? Even when you think you failed, you haven’t because you’re still taking in air.

    Failure is a misnomer. It is an attempt to describe an event that leaves us with nothing—no opportunities, no chances, no understanding. When is that ever the case?

    Failure is only failure if you say it is. It only exists if you’re not willing to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk on. Besides, success depends on those struggles, those attempts, those defeats. Success requires that climb up.

    You and Success

    Success is a journey; it consists of every trial and triumph combined. And the best kind of journey…

    • Makes you stronger
    • Teaches you more about yourself
    • Gives you insight and answers
    • Is an opportunity to evaluate and do different
    • Is better than the regret of not doing
    • Puts your goals within reach

    Everything that happens contributes to a new awakening, a new way of life, a new way of being. We just have to see it as such.

    When we don’t stop at failure, we’re bound for success. So really, failure is success in the making…

    Which brings me back to the four stories I mentioned earlier. They didn’t end there. Their journeys continued:

    The speaker was Abraham Lincoln delivering the (now legendary) Gettysburg Address.

    The manuscript was eventually published. It was one of many books written by Theodor Geisel, also known as Dr. Seuss.

    The boy, Walt, went on to create the childhood he never had and opened Disneyland, a take on his last name.

    The author finally finished the novel. Using the pen name, J.K. Rowling, she wrote of a boy wizard named Harry Potter.

    Batteries fail, people don’t. We’re always full of potential to do different, do more, and do better. Failure is what you thought you couldn’t be; what you thought you couldn’t do; what you thought you couldn’t have. Change that thought.

    Start looking at life in terms of what you can and will do from where you are, with what you’ve got right now. Start looking toward success no matter what…and make lemonade!

    Success is our lesson learned. Success is our silver lining. Success is our second chance.

    What failures have you overcome only to find yourself living your own success story? What keeps you pressing forward?

  • When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    Hands in the Air

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

    This summer, after three years of dreaming, my daughter and I moved from the city I’ve lived in all my life to my dream city six hours north.

    The season of summer is known as a time when plants fruit, grow, and bloom. In order to harvest new crops we have to have a clear field and clean soil to plant in, right?

    Before we can grow new things, we need to look hard at what isn’t working for us, what isn’t serving us, what needs to go to make space for new, better, more deeply satisfying things to come. That could include work, relationships, ways of spending time, and beliefs.

    Then we need to clean and fertilize our own fields and soil so we can intentionally plant what we want to grow.

    This move was preceded by such huge old beliefs, fears, and heartache that I had to face and work through for us to be able to make this move.

    I felt terrified that I wasn’t seeing things clearly and might not make a decision that would work out well.

    Do any of the below feel familiar to you?

    • Where you are isn’t working, but you’re not sure how to change it.
    • You’re drained and exhausted by a part of your life—a relationship, your work, not enough self-care, no down time.
    • You know the change you want to make, but you’re afraid you can’t do it, you’ll be alone if you do it, or you’ll have no money if you do it.
    • You know a change has to be made, but the path isn’t clear. Maybe you’re not even sure what needs to change; you just know something needs to.
    • You’ve decided to make a big change, but the fear and doubt are making you feel stuck and miserable.

    Having grown up in NYC, I have a natural fear of apartment hunting. In NYC you practically have to commit a crime to find a good, affordable, safe place anywhere near where you want to be. For this reason, I had a deep fear around searching in Portland for our perfect home, even though I knew it wouldn’t be as difficult as looking in New York.

    So I did what I always do when I want to call something into my life: I made a want ad.

    I thought about what I wanted in a home and how I wanted it to feel for us. My ad looked something like this:

    A safe, cozy home for my family, in an aesthetically beautiful part of town, that feels amply affordable, has two to three bedrooms, allows dogs, and has space for us to grow, where we can walk to most things we need, with parking for my car.

    Then I started apartment hunting while in Portland for a week.

    Two to three bedroom apartments in the neighborhoods I wanted were more than I could afford, and most wouldn’t allow any “pit bull type” dogs, like we have.

    After running into this over and over again, I got worried. I had given July 1st as the date we’d be out of our current place. It was June 1st and we were about to go back to NYC, leaving me unable to keep seeing new apartments.

    It would have been easy to get sucked into a place of fear and self-doubt—worrying that we couldn’t find the right place, that I couldn’t afford any of the apartments I was seeing, that my dogs wouldn’t be welcomed, that we’d be homeless in four weeks.

    However, instead of staying in the fear place, I decided to use this situation as a wonderful opportunity to practice having faith.

    I did this by using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) videos from YouTube, visualizing myself finding the apartment, and believing the apartment was out there.

    Then a friend connected me with her friend who lives in Portland.

    Portland-friend knew someone who was showing an apartment rental for her father-in-law. It was the neighborhood I wanted and the price I wanted but only a one bedroom, which was too small for us.

    But I talked to Renter-Lady and liked her, and she said there was a weird little room on the second floor that had a low ceiling but could possibly be a kid’s room, so I decided to go see it just for fun.

    The house was exactly what I wanted.

    I filled out the paperwork and gave impeccable references. Her concern was that her father-in-law didn’t want dogs there. I assured her that our current landlord would vouch for my pups, and I’d be happy to give them a security pet deposit.

    I filled out the application and walked away. I waited on pins and needles for five days and heard nothing.

    Five days after I’d last heard from her, I texted her to tell her how much I loved the place and asked if I could give her any further info. She texted back that night and said she was so sorry, but it wasn’t just wasn’t going to work.

    Her father-in-law worried that as a single mama with my own business I wasn’t making enough to cover the rent and utilities.

    I sat up in bed and texted her back furiously. I told her that their place was $600 less a month than any other place I had looked at—that it was $50 more than half of our rent in NYC.

    I texted, “How can I show your father-in-law that I’m more than capable of affording this place? Would you like to see three months records of my income?”

    She wrote back that that might help, so I jumped out of bed, ran to the computer, and emailed her my last three months of income.

    The next morning she wrote back: “The house is yours! I’ll email a lease tomorrow! Thanks for jumping through all those hoops!”

    Little-cottage-whose-windows-I’ll-decorate-with-window-boxes-dripping-with-flowers, here we come. 

    What made the difference between the fear place where everything seemed scary and difficult and an uphill battle, and the flowing place where it all worked out?

    1. Clear vision.

    I had a clear vision of what I wanted, what it would look like, and how it would feel to have it.

    2. Belief in my value and worth.

    I fought to convince the owners of house that yes, I do have enough income to pay the rent. My attitude was, “How can I show you how successful I am at what I do?”

    3. Energy management.

    I didn’t stay in a place of fear and doubt, but instead practiced faith, using tools like EFT, prayer, and visualization to focus my energy on what could be, rather than what might not work out.

    You could easily say, “Well, what if I do all these things and don’t get the house, or don’t get the job, or that person doesn’t want to be with me?”

    Energy management is a long-term, sustainable, inner piece of growth. It doesn’t mean that it’s a magic wand that gives you what you want. It’s a growth tool that helps create inner peace and grounding, no matter the outcome.

    So even if I hadn’t gotten this specific house, energy management would have helped me stay positive, which would have kept me focused and proactive, increasing my odds of finding a home.

    Can you think of a situation in your life where you can apply some or all of these tools? What small step can you take today to create something new in your life?

    Photo here

  • 4 Massive Motivation Killers and How to Overcome Them

    4 Massive Motivation Killers and How to Overcome Them

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    For the entirety of my life I have had an external source of structure.

    I’ve very much thrived when both guided and held accountable by others. You could say that I’m a “systems” friendly person and have always felt safe and secure when I can simply follow the guidelines or instructions and then arrive at the intended destination.

    The only problem is that I didn’t always create the “intended” destination. In fact, it usually wasn’t even where I wanted to be. It was where I thought I should be. So I decided to change all that.

    Since starting my own business I have both felt the power of freedom, control, and expression as well as experienced the terrorizing fear of … freedom, control, and expression!

    Nobody is telling me what my schedule should look like anymore. No one is checking in on me to make sure I’m staying proactive in marketing myself.

    After being a corporate “yes man” for years I have finally obtained the independence that I have always wanted, and yet I swear that many times I would just prefer my old boss tell me what to do and crack the whip when I am slacking.

    Parents, school, sports, work—the structure has always been built in for me and now I struggle daily to find the motivation from within. In response, I have worked hard to identify four of the biggest motivation killers out there.

    1. Fear of Failure

    For all the perfectionists struggling with procrastination, it’s actually pretty straightforward what the underlying road block here is: the crushing weight of expectations, the proverbial gun to the head mentality.

    How many times have you been defeated before even taking on a task or challenge because of the overwhelming unknown of whether or not it’s going to be executed to your (or someone else’s) high level of expectations?

    I can justify putting off just about any chore or task by telling myself that I don’t have the time or resources to get it done right.

    This mindset leaves me feeling paralyzed. I have found that it’s better (more often than not) to take the jump, regardless of whether or not circumstances are optimal. Regardless of whether or not rejection is a possible outcome. Regardless of whether or not other people will appreciate or understand your actions.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but you do have to realize that at some point you’ll need to start taking steps forward.

    Even though missing the mark is uncomfortable at times, most happy and successful people that I’ve interviewed or read about have all gotten okay with taking shot after shot until they finally hit their target.

    2. Lack of Clear Goals

    We can mitigate the overwhelming fear of failure by focusing on rewarding, enjoyable, and achievable goals.

    Ultimately, living out a productive, inspired, and motivated life requires us to make choices. We simply can’t have it all. But sometimes we get so caught up comparing our own situation to that of others (what others have and where others are in life) that we sabotage any chance we have of making the choices we really need to make to get to where we really want to be.

    And worse, whenever we feel that our hand is forced in our journey, our intrinsic motivation is killed. Dreaming about what you want and then actually believing that you can achieve it (even during times of adversity) is the only way to really find motivation from within.

    While big picture goals are important in order to understand where it is that you ultimately want to go, overcoming inertia (remember that heavy weight of expectation?) and making movement by knocking out a smaller plan of attack is a perfectly viable option when you are moving at zero miles per hour.

    Whether it is by creating your to-do list and schedule the night before or creating a flow chart of how to get from point A to B, it’s remarkably more fun, effective, and rewarding to create and implement daily strategies to get what you want out of life.

    Without more tangible realizations of your dreams, wants, and goals (no matter how big or small) you are going to struggle knowing where to start.

    3. Ignoring Your Health

    As a personal trainer, this is more my area of expertise, and yet I still struggle to follow my own advice at times. And much like depression, physical neglect will rob you of feeling pleasure for any activity.

    One of the biggest battles I have on a regular basis is getting enough sleep. If I consume caffeine too late in the day, or decide to reflect on life at 10pm, there is a good chance I’m going to toss and turn till 2am, leaving me with little time to mentally rest and physically heal by the time my 5:30am training rolls around.

    The entire next two days I will be tired, so I choose to consume even more caffeine to stay peppy for clients, thus creating a vicious cycle and yet all the while wondering why I’m so lethargic!

    Poor hydration, lack of exercise, and large amounts of insulin in the body (primarily from overconsumption of carbohydrates) will also leave you riding the motivation roller coaster (with mostly drops) thus killing self-esteem, leading to depression, and in turn creating a whole new vicious cycle of negative thoughts and negative energy levels.

    You need to stop the cycle at some point. Recognize this and get off this ride immediately!

    4. Loss of Core Identity

    How can you possibly handle any of the above three challenges effectively, let alone find the intrinsic motivation to even try, if you do not know in your heart who you are? Or more importantly, who do you want to be?

    I’ll never forget my first private therapy session as an “adult” and how shocking it was to fail to articulate an answer to the above questions. At the conclusion of our first meeting all I could dejectedly muster was “I don’t know even know who I am.”

    It took (and still takes) a lot of work to uncover and stay true to my answers to these questions.

    If there has been one best practice I would advise anyone to perform it would be journaling. There’s rarely a moment after being truly honest and fair with myself that I haven’t been able to dial up some immediate intrinsic motivation and be okay with “doing me.”

    Because for me, having a stronger sense of self, combined with re-committing to loving, humble, and honorable principles has kept my world from collapsing when something doesn’t go my way.

    This is such an empowering feeling and makes risk taking so much more exciting, goal planning more identity congruent, and proactive health care a worthy and top priority.

    —

    All four of these productivity and happiness assassins seem to work together in an effort to kill my momentum. Sometimes they still win. But more and more these days I realize that I’m in control over them. It’s been the battle of my life, and it may be yours. But our lives are worth fighting for.

  • 15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    Do you have a dream? A wish? A desire?

    Do you ever wake up and wonder: What would it be like to love life?

    People can tell you “follow your dream,” but is anyone really doing it?

    Not someone in a TV show or movie—a real, living, breathing human, just like you?

    Is it possible?

    The Depression

    Three years ago I couldn’t sleep. Night after night, I’d lie awake at 2am. My heart would pound in my chest.

    The anxiety overtook me. I welcomed it. If I fell back asleep, the next time I woke I would head back to that place. The place I despised.

    Fifty hours a week to a job that was slowly, inch by inch, sucking the life out of me.

    I was twenty-six years old, but I didn’t feel twenty-six. I felt old, tired, and overwhelmed.

    As I write this post, I remember that night. Staring in the mirror. I could barely look at myself. The breathing in my chest pushing in and out rapidly. Tears rushing down my face. I was a grown man, or at least I was supposed to be.

    Allowing Fear to Stop You

    I was so scared. I’d put all my work experience, degrees, and life into my career. Yet, I hated it.

    I had gone all in—and I was losing.

    I couldn’t argue with the tears flowing down my cheeks. Something needed to change.

    Follow The Dream

    I know what it’s like to feel depressed, lost, and burned out. But I also know what it’s like to follow a dream.

    I’m now thirty years old, and my life is a lot different than it was four years ago.

    Soon after that experience, I made a commitment to discover and follow my dream.

    What’s my dream? I want to become a ninja.

    Not a ninja in the traditional sense. It’s a childhood dream.

    Over the course of four years I quit my job in America, moved to Japan, and now I train extensively in martial arts.

    I arrive at the dojo at 7:30am Monday through Friday. Over the next year of my life I will train over 1,000 hours in Aikido (a martial art).

    I’m living, breathing proof that it’s possible to follow a dream.

    I’m thrilled to wake up each morning. I love my life in a manner I never knew possible. But this post isn’t about me—it’s about all of us. More importantly, it’s about all of our dreams.

    I hope with all my heart, today is the day that you begin the journey to turn your dream into a reality.

    15 Reasons to Start Following Your Dream Today

    1. You’ve always wanted to do this.

    When I think about the question: If you had a million dollars what would you do with your life? I can now say, “Exactly what I’m doing.”

    You’ve always wanted to follow your dream—so start today!

    2. You’ll experience things you never could have imagined.

    I’ve taken Japanese tea lessons with a fifty-year-old woman. I’m learning a new language. I eat foods that I never knew existed.

    The pursuit of a dream will give you experiences you never thought possible.

    3. You will become courageous.

    At some point your dream will mean so much to you that you will stop at nothing. When the dream overtakes you, no matter what your fears are, you will not allow it to stop you.

    You will stare your fears in the face. You will become a courageous person.

    4. You will become an inspiration to those around you.

    By doing what I want to do instead of what others want from me, I have been able to inspire others to follow their dreams.

    Focus on your dreams, not what others want you to do, and you will do the same.

    5. You will realize the incredible things you are capable of doing.

    When you step forward to pursue your dream, you will face challenges you never could have anticipated. You will allow nothing to stop you. You will shock yourself at your ability to plow through any situation.

    6. You will like yourself more.

    You will feel excited and energized by the life you are choosing to live. You will feel proud of what you are doing. And you will like yourself more for it.

    7. Life will become beautiful.

    As you realize your own potential, you will realize the potential in others. You will start to recognize the beauty that life, you, and others have to offer.

    8. Your joy and happiness will become contagious.

    When people are around you, they will feel better about themselves and life because you are living proof it is possible to live a dream!

    9. You will connect on a deeper level with the force of the universe.

    The pursuit of a dream requires an act of faith. You step forward and take action. When you do this, you will face experiences that will bring you closer to the force of the universe.

    10. You will smile more.

    Life is better when you smile more. If you follow your dream, you will enjoy yourself and this will happen!

    11. It will give meaning to everything you do.

    Before I started following my dream I would often wonder, “What’s the point?”

    Now, I know the answer to that question: Every action I take brings me closer to my dream.

    12. The food will taste better.

    Yup, you read that right! When you step forward with your dream, you will feel more alive and you will better appreciate all the beauty life has to offer. So, yes! Even the food tastes better.

    13. Every day you will learn new things.

    Every day I learn more Japanese, more martial arts, and more about myself. I’m challenged and excited. The deeper I get in my dream, the more I learn.

    14. Your happiness will show on your face.

    It’s true! When you are optimistic, excited, and happy, guess what? You are drastically more attractive.

    At twenty-six I looked stressed out and overwhelmed. At thirty I look happy and excited because I am happy and excited.

    15. You will love being around you.

    When we pursue a dream, we are connecting with our heart’s desires. It’s a way of telling our soul “I love you.”

    It’s pretty great to hang out with people you love—especially when it’s yourself!

    What has stopped you from following your dream?

  • When Following Your Passion Makes You Miserable

    When Following Your Passion Makes You Miserable

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    It seems that in recent years people have really started waking up to the fact that they can do what they love, which is great. But what’s not so great is when it makes you miserable.

    Finding your passion can become another goal to be achieved in the future.

    Suddenly you find yourself believing that if you could just find that perfect passion, your life would be perfect and then you’d finally be happy. But life doesn’t work that way.

    You already have passion, joy, and purpose in your life. Following your passion is about starting where you are and realizing that all you have to do is follow the passion already present.

    Let’s Start with the Problem

    The core problem is waiting for something to happen. It’s believing that you can’t be passionate and happy right now.

    You didn’t come into this world understanding the concept of passion. When you were a child, you enjoyed life as it was, without concepts and without shoulds.

    In my own life, I noticed the tendency to think that if I could only get something or achieve my definition of success, I’d be happy.

    For example, I used to think that money would make me happy. Then I earned more and nothing changed. I was still me.

    After that, I thought that a relationship would make a difference, but I was still me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner, but it’s not up to her to make me happy.

    I changed because I got sick of chasing happiness in the future and saw how this created suffering.

    I was lucky to realize this at an early age. Right out of high school, I became a professional poker player because it allowed me to travel the world and make more money than I needed.

    When I first started playing I enjoyed it, but as the years passed I did it solely for the money, and it prevented me from doing what I truly loved.

    I now know that what I’m truly looking for is what’s already inside of me. I still get caught up in my old patterns of waiting, and when I do, I become miserable and powerless. I start losing hope. I start questioning whether I’m on the right path. And I wonder why life has to be so hard.

    But then I bring myself back. I take a deep breath, and I settle into the present moment. I realize that while following my heart is tough at times, it is the only way forward.

    The Art of Being Happy

    As I bring myself back to the present, I notice what brings true happiness into my life. And that is to simply follow the nudges of my heart.

    I might notice that I need a rest, so I’ll listen to what I feel interested in. I might read a book, watch a movie, or play with my son, Vincent.

    What makes your heart sing will be different from me. What matters is that you listen to and follow your interests, passions, and fascinations.

    Living a passionate life doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in love with your life 100% of the time. It doesn’t mean that you never come up against challenges.

    In fact, the opposite is often true. You face more challenges because you need to let go of a lot of limiting beliefs, fears, and doubts. You will often know where your heart is pulling you, but you may not believe it’s possible. If you can let this baggage go, you’ll be well on your way.

    Following your passion means listening to those inner nudges. Because what living a passionate life comes down to is being happy in this moment. And to increase the happiness in your life, you have to do what makes your heart sing.

    Sometimes these nudges will be a subtle whisper, an inspirational feeling, or simply a thought that pops up out of nowhere while you’re washing the dishes.

    If finding your passion is making you miserable, the solution is to stop waiting. Stop believing in the lie you tell yourself that if only you could have this or that, everything would be fine.

    Stop waiting and take an inspired step. Center your attention in your heart and notice where you feel pulled. Let go of what may come out of it and just enjoy the ride.

    Use What You Have, Where You Are

    Put down the heavy baggage of what you think passion should look like and accept the way life is right now.

    Notice what you’re interested in, and above all, notice where your heart is pulling you.

    It’s not by listening to other people that you’ll uncover the life you want, but by listening to your heart.

    You are the expert on what you need. You have to be willing to take responsibility and stop thinking that some event in the future will make things better.

    A simple way to connect with your heart is to sit down, take a few deep breaths, and focus your attention on your feelings. There may be pain, but sit with it. Feel it fully. As you do this more and more, your connection with your heart will deepen, and you’ll activate your inner GPS.

    A Question You Can Ask

    Another way to connect with your inner wisdom is through writing. Ask yourself questions that help you uncover the gold inside you and then write until you run out of words.

    You don’t have to be a writer to do this. And you don’t need any particular tools. All you have to do is write down what goes on in your mind. Even if you don’t come up with anything coherent, you’ll get more clarity and feel better.

    To get you started, here’s a question you can ask: “In the future, when you’re already living a passionate life, what advice would you give to the present you?”

    I know we touched on focusing on the now, but asking a question like this is helpful because it helps you bring resources from the future into the present moment.

    Always remember to live life from this moment. Do your best with what you have, and forget the rest.

    “What If I Feel Lost?”

    Life is always in transition. If you try to figure life out, you’ll feel lost and overwhelmed. If you try to control life you’ll feel powerless, because it’s not up to you to control life.

    It’s not being lost that is causing you grief but thinking that you shouldn’t be. If you drop the thought that you’re lost, you’re just living life right now, which is all you need to do. It’s all you can do.

    When you let go of any need to get anywhere, or be someone, you immediately relax. The problem isn’t about feeling lost or stuck. Those are concepts you’ve learned.

    When you center yourself in your heart and follow your inner joy, you’ll get to where you need to be.

    The Bottom Line

    Following your passion has the power to change your life, but it can also make you miserable if you make it into another thing you have to achieve before you can be happy.

    You have to be willing to walk your own path. You have to be willing to listen to your heart and follow what feels true for you.

    The reason there is so much conflicting advice out there is because different people need different paths. If you try to listen to everyone, you’ll end up confused.

    That’s why it’s important to tap into your inner wisdom via meditation or writing. Center yourself in your heart and notice where it’s pulling you, then take the first step.

    Let life take care of itself. Relax and enjoy the ride, because that’s all you can do. Set the intention to be happy first, and your passion will come to you. And if it doesn’t, so what? You keep on going.

  • Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    For the past three years, I’ve been in the throes of a quarter-life crisis.

    Just a few months into my first cubicle-bound job, I had the life-altering realization that most everyone comes to eventually: I’m going to work a job every day for the next forty-plus of my life. If I want to make that enjoyable, I need to be living my purpose and engaging my passions.

    Knowing that life is short and the best time to change is now, I dove headfirst into reading and implementing advice on how I could discover and live my passion. 

    In the three-year search, I registered for hobbies that interested me. I researched and pursued various careers. I talked to my friends about what I was good at. I encouraged my husband to find his passions so that we were both supported in this dream. I waited patiently and openly for inspiration.

    Soon enough, some of my passions bubbled up to the surface in easily identifiable ways.

    I loved writing, interacting with people one on one, business, yoga, rescue animals, chocolate, coffee houses, and digital newspapers.

    To see what ideas “stuck,” I started businesses, changed careers, wrote freelance, initiated a local yoga community, volunteered, and truly “discovered” myself.

    But these attempts at finding a passion that could become my career always happened the same way—I’d start out with massive bursts of energy, produce great results, and then hear the small voice in my heart whisper, “This isn’t it…there’s something else out there for you.”

    After a couple of years of trying and failing at finding the passion that would stick, I decided to just stop looking for a while.

    In the meantime, I would work hard at my job and come to terms with the fact that the most people never have careers that engage their passions—and maybe that’s okay. After all, I could still have passions outside my work.

    But the drive to create a career around my passion never went away.

    My turning point came one night as I was sitting at home with my husband watching The Legend of Baggar Vance—a movie about a down-on-his-luck golfer who enlists the help of an inspirational golf caddy (Baggar Vance) to perfect his game.

    In one of the scenes, Baggar says to the golfer:

    “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that got to be remembered.”

    And I sat stunned for a second. Although the movie went on, my mind was stuck on this idea: your passion—your one true authentic gift—has to be remembered.

    For so long, I had been searching, trying new things, exploring jobs, careers, and “attractive” passions outside of myself—without ever trying to remember what passions have been with me all along.

    In an instant of clarity, I remembered that for my whole life, I have been in love with business and personal finance. My father and grandmother had always been very determined to teach me about the flow of money and how starting a business could ensure my freedom.

    From these constant little lessons growing up, I picked up an interest in business that had permeated my life in ways that I just didn’t really recognize.

    I remembered back to the time I was nine years old and told my grandma I’d love to be a financial planner to help people with their business and money, the way she’d helped me develop those skills.

    I remembered too how I sat enthralled reading business magazines on airplanes. I remembered how what I really wanted out of my career was to run my own business one day. I realized that this was a deep, steady current that connected many phases of my life.

    But how could my passion be so… plain? Aren’t passions supposed to be artistic, exotic, or inspirational? Aren’t passions supposed to wow people?

    Perhaps not. Perhaps my passion for the mundane things could be a way to bring life to an otherwise mundane topic—the way your crazy history teacher started talking really fast and excitedly about the Civil Rights movement, making you excited about it too.

    Since this realization, I’ve started pursuing a business in financial coaching, and I am so happy. The small voice in my heart is whispering, “You’re on the right track!” for the first time. I haven’t been distracted by what other things I could be doing. Even better, I am engaging my other passions too.

    If you’re struggling to find your passion, even after trying what feels like doing everything, I encourage you to do this: sit down, open your journal, pour a cup of tea, and try to remember your passions.

    Think back on your life, and remember things you wanted to be, the habits you developed naturally, the games you played, the books you read, and see how they may apply to your life and career today. You might be surprised by the connection points that have been right under your nose all along.

  • Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Running

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    When my last relationship ended, I found myself suddenly questioning what my goals honestly meant to me. I had focused my past five years steadily chasing a very specific dream with this woman (creating joy, art, and a community in NYC, adopting some dogs, and eventually moving back to California to start a family together).

    At least that’s what we thought we were chasing.

    When we realized that our lives together had become static, that we lacked engaging dynamics, and that we only rarely brought out true joy in each other, our roads abruptly veered and I found myself sans lover, best friend, and collaborator. I also was given a huge opportunity to view my life with fresh eyes.

    I saw that by limiting our vision and chasing only our one shared dream, we were effectively shutting ourselves off from exactly those varied personal experiences that it would take to build our joy, inspire our art, and create that dynamic life we both desired.

    We allowed ourselves to be held back from a meaningful life by chasing the goals we thought it would take to get there. We had gotten stuck in chasing the wrong things for a right reason.

    I began examining what I had been busy chasing in all the aspects of my life. Chasing in my career, chasing in my suddenly newly blossomed singles life, and in the personal identity of who I was now that I wasn’t defined by this external relationship.

    I realized that it was time to shake things up and experience the unexpected.

    Here are some steps to discover what you are truly chasing in life. Try to answer in less than twenty seconds, with the first thing that comes to mind. You might be surprised.

    1. What makes you lose track of time?

    I’ve always liked fixing things and working with my hands. Broken pieces fascinate me as my mind wraps around how they tick. I know there’s a reason if I could only find it. It’s a great puzzle, but sometimes the minuets crawl by. By chasing the outcome (to make it work), I stopped being in the present.

    I discovered that I never feel rushed drawing or painting. No matter how long it takes me to choose a color, from the instant I pick up the brush to the second I put, it down feels like one fluid moment.

    2. What makes you happy?

    It might be sunshine, dogs, laughter, passion, collaboration, or music. I chased my career goals in the music industry by working in a studio without windows or sunlight for ten hours a day, and while it was rewarding to help people realize their dreams and create their art, I realized I was chasing the wrong thing.

    What made me happy wasn’t just making music sound better or tweaking knobs; it was helping people discover and release their albums. When I realized that I was made happy by sharing, by making art, then my goals shifted to be more people and connection focused and left me feeling more fulfilled.

    3. If you didn’t have any bills to pay, what would you do?

    You might sit on a private island by the beach, or maybe start a free service for the less fortunate. I personally realized that I have to create.

    The idea of “free-time” scared me silly, and everything I focused on in life stems back to this deep-seated need to be creating something. Even sitting quietly was creating peace. Once I realized what my driving force was, it became much easier to make choices based on what I knew my true desire to be.

    4. When you are old, what will matter the most?

    You might be chasing things, people, rewards, or achievements that seem huge and important now. You’ve given your all to reach this point, so why give up now? Ask yourself how deeply will it touch people in twenty years, thirty years, fifty years. If I get a gold record, it’s a huge achievement, but I don’t want to be remembered for a plaque on a wall.

    I’d like to be remembered as a warm, living, loving, heartfelt person full of optimism and enthusiasm. A gold sales award doesn’t commemorate that.

    5. What are you really after?

    Honestly ask yourself, what are you getting when you reach the end of this chase? I was chasing goals that I thought would help build the future for my love life, or would help advance my career—there was my “reason”—but having a more advanced career didn’t help me to connect deeply with artists. It wasn’t in tune with my true desires.

    Our relationship appeared to be chasing similar goals, but in the end our chase was actually blocking us from reaching our true selves. Ask yourself if you are chasing out of habit or just for the sake of the chase; be sure you are genuinely working towards your true goals.

    —

    I’ve realized that a lot of what we focus on in life isn’t what’s in line with our true desire. Since then, I’ve cut my time commitment to work in half, and I now use that time to create art and build connections with people who also value the creative life I want to live. It has breathed new life into my actions and helped me understand the deeper reasons for my choices.

    Without walking the long and often painful road, we rarely discover the true reasons why we’re chasing our dreams, even if we have those dreams well defined.

    The only constant is that it never goes according to plan. Let your heart be open to the unexpected and stay flexible and free. Like a dog running after a ball when a squirrel suddenly appears, gleefully embrace the opportunity for a fresh chase and leap onto your new road with joy.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    Standing on a Bridge

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    The world can be a scary place.

    As we go through our daily lives, we face many challenges, and often these challenges can bring about fear. We may fear the loss of something, or perhaps the lack of fulfillment. We may experience fear when going on a job interview or a first date.

    The greatest challenge with fear is that it can hold us back from achieving our goals, but it doesn’t have to.

    Over the past six months I have let one fear hold me back from achieving the one thing I feel I wholly deserve. I’ve had a fear of not meeting my soul mate.

    After being single for nearly six years, I felt a sense of loneliness and a desire to build a relationship with someone.

    I turned to online dating last fall, a method I tried for over eight months. I was able to meet many people and enjoyed dinners and walks with potential mates, but nothing ever developed past two dates with the same individual.

    After many dates that didn’t lead to anything long term, I felt deeper fear, sadness, and a loss of hope.

    I came to realize that my desire to meet the person I would potentially spend my life with had manifested into a fear that drove away any hope of building something real and lasting.

    Dating began to feel like a chore, and it became unenjoyable. For love to happen, I had to overcome my fear and enjoy the time I spent meeting new people.

    I believe in the power of intention. But in setting forth an agenda, we must learn to let go and have faith. Things may not happen when we want them to, but often a delay is the result of greater things at work.

    Wayne W. Dyer wrote in The Power of Intention, “if we focus on what’s ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives.”

    Intention is related to fear because if we can trust our own intentions and allow our minds to focus on the potential positive outcomes, we will face less fear in most situations.

    It’s easy to let fear play a part in our daily lives. I’ve had many opportunities to face my fears lately, but I knew little about overcoming them. Alas, I learned several key facts that have broken down my fears and allowed me to focus on achieving my goals.

    These five techniques will help you overcome fear in your daily life:

    1. Start small.

    Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Facing it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.

    My fear of living life alone created immense challenges. “I’m going to grow old alone,” I once said. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t true, but my mind had saturated into a restricting fear around the worst-case scenario.

    I broke down my anxiety into smaller, more manageable pieces. Instead of wondering how I could meet my soul mate, I thought about how I could make new friends instead. By focusing on meeting new people, I have increased my odds of reaching my goal without the anxiety and pressure of finding “the one.”

    Instead of focusing on the end result, I can now focus on more manageable goals.

    No matter how large or small your fears may seem, scaling down to a more manageable size will be beneficial. Slowly step out of your comfort zone and begin moving towards your goal.

    2. Have faith.

    While achieving your goal may not happen on your preferred timetable, it is important to have faith that time will bring success. Trusting that achievement is not only possible, but probable will help soften your fears.

    Think back to an event in your life that may have seemed bad at the time but allowed for certain circumstances to occur that brought about a greater and more wonderful event. That’s proof that the world is not against us but is indeed working with us.

    3. Write it down.

    Making a list of your fears is a great way to work through them.

    Writing in a journal has been very helpful for me to overcome my fear of not meeting my soul mate. I have written about particular dates I went on and how the meetings made me feel.

    I’ve found it useful to write down a fear and then describe on paper why I feel I have it. This task has been essential in helping me chart my progress and list what I have learned in the past.

    Writing has allowed me to accept that things are evolving, even if they don’t seem that way—which brings me to the next important technique for overcoming fear: acceptance.

    4. Accept what develops (or doesn’t).

    When I was using an online dating service, every first date felt like a blind date. Profiles only went so far in explaining other individuals’ personalities. I had to accept the fact that the first date might not lead to a second and that he might not be “the one.”

    I had to accept that I couldn’t force a relationship, nor could I force the timing of true love.

    The Dalai Lama said, “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”

    5. Let go.

    Letting go can be one of the greatest challenges to overcoming fear. At times, we hold on to something because we feel it empowers us; however, holding on only weakens us.

    Once we have accepted what may or may not develop, we need to detach ourselves from the outcome. Letting go of our fears allows us to focus more on the present moment and less on the fear itself.

    —

    After following these techniques, I no longer have a fear of spending my life alone, because I know and trust that there are great things ahead. Now I can enjoy meeting new people and going on dates without fear.

    Photo by Geraint Rowland

  • The Rabbit Hole of Stuff: Why We Can’t Buy Our Way to Happiness

    The Rabbit Hole of Stuff: Why We Can’t Buy Our Way to Happiness

    “Happiness can only be found if you free yourself from all other distractions.” ~Saul Bellow 

    When I was twenty I bought my first serious piece of furniture.

    It was a sofa covered in a nubby sort of fabric, a creamy shade of white with tan and light brown threads woven through that made the modern style seem warm and welcoming.

    It was beautiful. And on the day my sofa arrived, I celebrated. I celebrated not only a beautiful addition to my little apartment but also a step into adulthood.

    After all, I bought it on credit, and I was thrilled that a social authority as important as a fancy furniture store should give me and my waitress job a nod of approval.

    But my joy was tempered by a sobering thought that felt like a weight on my shoulders: I can’t fit this sofa in my backpack.

    I’d been traveling, working, writing, and figuring out life for a few years already, but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. And I didn’t have the words to express the feeling that I was only vaguely aware of. But I was feeling something. And I ignored it.

    Over the next ten years or so—and almost as many living situations—my sofa and I took in a bedroom and a kitchen set along with an entire house full of furniture.

    A husband, too. I had just (finally) finished grad school, and my goal was to write full-time as a freelancer instead of part-time as I had been. I wanted to write more poetry. Teach writing. Play my guitar. Travel. Live my life as I’d dreamed of living it.

    The sparkle of shiny new toys pulled me in directions that made my goals almost impossible.

    But two incomes suddenly made lots of other stuff possible: a lavish wedding, a big house, complete remodeling, and a new patio. Redecorating, buying just the right outdoor furniture, planting flowers, trees, and bushes… I even built a koi pond with a waterfall.

    I taught for a few years, but I was hardly writing, and I was losing my focus. I was getting confused with too many choices, no planning, and too little experience. I struggled with time management, and I usually failed.

    I became a wine expert, and I drank it far more often than I wrote about it.

    I fell into the rabbit hole called stuff.

    I’d never had much, but now, closets were stuffed with games and skis and skates and snorkeling gear.

    Expertly organized closets promised to restore order, but they sagged with the weight of suitcases and carry-ons, cameras and camcorders, and clothes for every situation. Tools stuffed a garage and a shed, while the finest wine glasses, china, and gadgets took over the kitchen.

    An enormous 100-year-old piano rolled into place in the mélange.

    The house was bulging and sinking at the same time.

    I wasn’t writing. I was falling apart, and I couldn’t work. I saw doctor after doctor for muscle pain, chest pain, and insomnia. Nightmares, even.

    The hot tub was supposed to help with the stress, but it was just more stuff. There were other problems in my marriage, too, serious problems, and I finally gave up trying to get things back on course.

    And I got rid of the last of the stuff just a few days ago.

    I have other, more important things to do than take care of stuff.

    I’m a bit older now, a bit wiser, and I’m listening to that inner voice I ignored so long ago. I’m catching up on what I should have been doing—writing, improving my writing, and teaching it—what I wanted to be doing but couldn’t because I wasn’t focused.

    It’s time to strap on my backpack again—it was never meant to carry a sofa, but my laptop fits just fine.

    I’m glad I recognized the crazy path I was on while I’m still relatively young.

    My lessons were painful, and I wish someone would have given me a good, swift kick and made me look in a mirror. Why didn’t anyone shout, “Why aren’t you writing? What happened to your goals? Focus!” Maybe I had to learn my own lessons, but I’m not afraid to shout them out now, nice and loud.

    1. The stuff you can buy is a distraction that won’t help you reach your goals.

    It’s like an addiction or a temporary fix. And no matter what you see online, in magazines, or on TV shows that promote home and garden ideas or lifestyles—even simple or minimalist lifestyles—remember, it’s a business trying to sell you products that promise happiness. Don’t fall for it.

    2. Stuff creates a false sense of self.

    I’m creative, and I love beauty. But somehow, unconsciously, by creating a beautiful home—with lots of stuff—I was also fashioning myself into someone I thought I wanted to be, something others wanted me to be.

    But I was already myself, and the path with the least resistance, the path that offered the most immediate reward didn’t leave time for the hard stuff: my goals and my writing.

    3. Stuff can blind you.

    The friends I made back then are long gone. I was naïve, and if I hadn’t been seduced by stuff—expensive dinners, flowers for every occasion, a huge diamond engagement ring that really wasn’t me—I might have seen that my relationship could never work.

    I was the poet in black trying to fit into someone else’s upscale suburban lifestyle, and there wasn’t room for anything else much less me.

    4. Material stuff keeps you busy with…material stuff.

    My life plan didn’t include all the stuff money can buy. But the money spent wasn’t the problem; the problem was that I worshipped at the altar of materialism, and I sacrificed myself and my goals.

    What’s the point of spending time and effort on stuff when it leaves little or no time for your real goals?

    5. Stuff distracts us from ourselves.

    A solid relationship is created with empathy, love, and communication, not stuff. But we nurtured our marriage with Home and Garden TV or the Food Network, furniture showrooms, and glossy magazines with products that promised the good life. And underneath it all, I just wanted the space to work on my own goals, not another set of china, a new TV, or a new iPod.

    Some stuff is important, and there’s nothing wrong with buying what you need.

    But it’s about priorities and the price you might pay for stuff that doesn’t support your goals and dreams. Think about it.

    Are you working toward your goals and the things that truly matter to you?

    Or are you down the rabbit hole?

    Stressed woman shopping image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Jumping

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Dennis Waitley

    We often see success stories about people who have achieved something big. They inspire us and on some level show us that it is possible to achieve our goals.

    However, they rarely help us deal with what goes on in the middle, the point in between starting something new, when we’re full of energy and excitement, and actually succeeding.

    That middle part is generally not pretty. How do you tackle that middle bit?

    Let’s say you’ve taken that first step toward a big dream of yours. You’ve created your own blog, signed up for that course, or announced your intention to start singing professionally, write a book, or start a business.

    You’re so enthusiastic about the project, and you smile when you think about the future.

    Then suddenly a question or two pops up in your head, stopping you dead in your tracks. Freezing you, sucking away all that enthusiasm and energy you started with.

    “Am I good enough?”

    “Can I really make this work?”

    “Am I too old for this?”

    “Do I have enough experience?”

    “Do I know what I’m letting myself in for here?”

    “What if I fail?”

    “Am I making a fool of myself?”

    Sound familiar?

    If you are doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, chances are you have heard a version of these questions in your head.

    These questions are nothing but our mind’s strategy to keep us stuck where we are, to stop us from taking risks, to help us avoid danger.

    It’s a remnant of a mind that has yet to catch up with the super-fast changes our lives have gone through in the last 100,000 years. The same strategy would have kept us in our caves all those years ago now stops us from doing what we’d love to.

    The problem is that when we’re busy dwelling on these questions, we’re wasting our mind’s energy. We’re not engaging it to think creatively, or to spot opportunities or to help us overcome the challenges we face along the way.

    We’re focusing south when we really want to go north. So what do we do about it?

    1. The most important thing is to be aware of these questions when they come up.

    Chances are you won’t start by hearing the question but instead you will feel a sudden sinking sensation, a loss of hope or of energy. You might start thinking that the whole idea is stupid or silly or not worth the effort. In short, your state will change. With practice you can become aware of when that changing state happens.

    2. Once you become aware of this change, take a moment to explore what you were thinking.

    This is when you are likely to discover that you were making a statement or asking a question that is taking your focus south, instead of north.

    3. Ask yourself: “Is this question or statement helping me move forward?”

    4. If the answer is no, follow up with “What question can I replace it with that will help me move forward?”

    Here’s an example of how this strategy has helped me in my life.

    Twelve years ago I was working as a Business Psychologist with the BBC. As my experience grew I was asked to start running some training courses for different departments in the organization.

    I remember quaking with fear at the idea. I had countless sleepless nights, serious palpitations, and bouts of anxiety. I was incredibly scared of standing in front of a crowd. It felt awful, but I knew this was something I really wanted to do, so I persevered.

    With time I realized that the questions I was asking myself were taking me south. Questions like “Am I good enough?” “Who wants to listen to me?” “What if I forget what I’m meant to say?”

    They were just unhelpful. I worked hard to become more aware of them, and eventually I changed them. I started asking myself “How can I make this interesting?” “How do I keep my audience engaged?” “How much practice do I need to do to feel confident about the material?”

    As my questions changed, my feelings changed, as did my performance. The major reason was that now I was focusing north, which was where I wanted to go.

    Today, I spend most of my week training groups and I also train other trainers. If someone had told me I would be doing this 12 years ago, I would have laughed.

    This strategy has had a major impact on my life and on any projects I work on. It is one of the key tools I use to help others keep motivated and moving forward. I hope it has the same effect on you.

    What questions are taking you south? And what will you change them to, to start heading north?

    Photo by Zigg-E

  • 5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    Thinking

    “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi

    When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.

    I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?

    I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.

    I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.

    As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.

    Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?

    After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).

    That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.

    After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.

    I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.

    Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?

    The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.

    I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.

    Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.

    I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.

    I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”

    If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.

    1. Is it really as bad as it appears to be?

    Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?

    If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!

    2. Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself?

    Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

    Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.

    3. Whose expectations are you fighting with—yours or someone else’s?

    I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.

    As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.

    Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.

    That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.

    4. What can you learn from the situation?

    Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?

    The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.

    5. Is there anything you could do today to move you closer to your ideal life?

    Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.

    If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.

    There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.

    Photo by mrhayata

  • Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Some people know from the time they are small what they are going to be “when they grow up.”

    I, at various times, was going to be an archeologist, paleontologist, veterinarian, famous rock musician, famous film director, actor, studio guitar player, music production engineer, choir teacher, choral composer, less famous film director, film editor, screenwriter, alpaca farmer, or cattle farmer.

    As of this writing, I make wedding films and assist my wife with wedding photography. There is no fame, enough money, but no riches and no acclaim. Despite being told how special, intelligent, and talented I was as a child, and how I could do anything, my life has ended up being quite ordinary and, dare I say, a little boring. And I wouldn’t change one bit of it.

    Our culture seems intensely focused on passion and dreams. The most popular shows are all about people competing for the chance to live their dreams. The thing that stands out to me so starkly is the reactions of the people that don’t win.

    So often they will say something along the lines of “I just don’t understand how I didn’t win. I wanted it so badly. I wanted it so much more than all the other contestants.” As if wanting and desire is all that’s necessary to achieve a goal!

    I spent most of my life floating at a level of desire. Wanting things, relationships, experiences, sometimes having the desires fulfilled, most times not.

    Even when I got what I wanted, it only would make me happy for a brief time, always looking for something outside myself to satisfy me.

    Amid that was also the ego’s constant desire for specialness. I was smart and talented, so I deserve to be noticed and have an interesting job and a wonderful, amazing life. But life had different ideas for me.

    After high school I was planning to attend a music school in California to study guitar performance. However, when I was nineteen, I left home for two years to volunteer for my church at the time. During those years, my priorities shifted, and I was no longer sure if living as a touring musician lined up with more important spiritual goals, as well as goals of wanting a family.

    I shifted my thinking to music production, and then choral education after a girlfriend mentioned it as a possibility. I was going to teach choir. I had great times performing, composing, and learning.

    Two years into my degree, my wife and I started dating and got married. Around the same time I transferred to a different college, in a different city nearby. I was not taking very many classes, but one by one, they all fell by the wayside.

    One class I needed another prerequisite, another I had missed too much to catch up because of my wedding and honeymoon, and then I was left with a choir class that I soon realized I hated. Did I really want to do this for the rest of my life?

    I withdrew from college and just worked. From the natural foods store, to the steak and buffet restaurant, to the parking garage, to the telemarketing center, to the law firm copy center. We talked about going back to college at some point, but could not afford to pay outright and did not want student loans.

    When I looked at going back to college, I ran into a lesson I’ve tried hard to remember since. Too many careers that popped up would require me to have made different choices for the past twenty years to make them work.

    I thought about going back to school to become a veterinarian, but it would take me a decade, and I would not have the advantage of having volunteered at a vet’s office when I was twelve to put on my resume!

    During that time my wife started her wedding photography business. It took a few years, but eventually we had enough work that I could quit my other job and help her full time. At the same time I renewed my interest in spiritual development and discovered Dr. David Hawkins’ writings, which led to my present commitment to enlightenment as my primary goal in life.

    If I had gotten everything I desired, I doubt I would have made those discoveries and learned that acceptance and surrender are a surer path to joy than following desire. Now I have nothing of what people would consider ambition. I have very few goals, and no five or ten-year plan.

    It might seem that I have become some kind of shiftless drifter, accomplishing nothing. Overall in my life, I have tried to replace desire with intention, which is like the rudder on a ship. I have devoted myself to love, kindness, peace, and joy, and lots of waves crash against the bow of the ship, but it does not affect my heading.

    With that, many things just fall into place, (or out of my life,) just without the seeking and grasping of passionate desire. I will automatically do or not do certain things because of that intention, because it is what I am.

    I want to have enough for my needs, and to accept whatever comes in every moment. I trust that what comes is the perfect expression of potential in that moment. Now I know that the source of my happiness is inside me, and the circumstances of life cannot take that away from me.

    That is what I mean when I say surrender and accept: accept the fact that whatever it is we want in life, we cannot control the outcome, and if we could, sometimes we do not know what is best for us anyway. Instead of a passionate striving to “accomplish” something, we set the compass, and start down the path.

    We can only control our walking, not what the end of the path looks like or whether there will be anything at the end.

    The more we find our happiness from within, the safer we are. We can pursue anything we want, finding joy in the process. Whether it turns out the way we envisioned or not becomes irrelevant, because we didn’t bet all our joy on that outcome.

    I thought I wanted to be special and important, but life led me to something very normal and a little boring. I could try to change it, but it is the perfect life for me.

    So if we haven’t made it to some dream life that is fueled by passion, there can be great peace in learning to find the joy in being ordinary. To those of us that are led to follow our dreams, just love the dream, and surrender the result. Maybe your dream will come true, but if not, being boring is pretty great too.

  • Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I am a recovering perfectionist.

    Up until now, this is the only way I’ve known how to live. The thrilling burn of perfection invaded every aspect of my life to the point that I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t do it right, I didn’t want to do it at all.

    When I was younger, I allowed the desire for perfection to control all of my actions. In music, if I couldn’t sit first chair, I didn’t want to play an instrument at all. In sports, if I couldn’t play first singles, I wanted to put the tennis racket down.

    All of the choices I made reflected back on what I could do perfectly.

    Several things happened.

    First, I was never satisfied. Even when I was the best, I was always looking over my shoulder at someone else who wanted my spot. I also doubted my accomplishments and thought, “Anyone could’ve done this.”

    Second, my admirable drive to succeed transformed into something ugly. I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t play my scales perfectly, I stopped practicing for fear of hitting a wrong note.

    And then the fear turned into anxiety. I fretted about going on auditions because someone who doesn’t know her scales certainly isn’t going to get chosen for first chair. I was stuck between the wanting and the work.

    I wanted to be the best, but I didn’t want to work at something that I might not ever achieve. The threat of failure was too much to bear.

    As I got older, my perfectionism made me more and more miserable. Reasonable goals that were attainable as a child morphed into more challenging goals that were more difficult to achieve as an adult. My ultimate goal: I wanted the perfect life.

    Wanting more, yet full of fear, I continued to eagerly seek the promise of perfection. As if to spite these desires, my world got smaller and smaller. Finally, I stopped taking any action.

    If I couldn’t be a best-selling author, I wasn’t going to write a word. If I couldn’t run as fast as the person next to me, I’d get off the treadmill. If I couldn’t decorate my house just like the pictures in glossy magazines, I wouldn’t put anything on the walls.

    And it got worse. If I couldn’t have the perfect house, I’d live in a cluttered mess. If I couldn’t be the perfect size, I’d stuff my face. If I couldn’t be the fastest and the best and the most perfect and the brightest and the shiniest and the most beautiful, I just wouldn’t do any of it.

    So you see, instead of living comfortably in the middle of perfection and failure, I went completely the other direction. Because my world was black and white—either I was successful in everything that I touched or I was an utter failure. I couldn’t live in the grey space. I couldn’t be happy with my effort—with the thrill of just trying something new.

    Finally, I came to the point where there was only one thing that I wanted to do because I knew I could do it perfectly.

    What was this magic thing that I could do without any threat of failure?

    Walk the dog.

    I could walk that dog for a solid fifteen minutes and do everything right. I’d put on that leash, walk up and down the block, give her time to do her business, pick up the business in a baggie, and return home. I was a solid A dog walker.

    But boy was I unsatisfied.

    I had dreams and passions and hopes and aspirations. But I didn’t dare touch any of those things for fear of failure. I couldn’t bear the sting of defeat.

    So I walked and walked and walked that dog. I was neglecting my other interests, which would pop into my mind and quickly get pushed out, but my joyous, tail-wagging, tongue-lolling dog certainly loved every second of it.

    And then I learned two life-changing lessons.

    My first lesson came from my dog. Just watching her pure joy of life—her contentedness to just be—had a positive effect on me. Instead of focusing on being the best dog on the block, she drank in the sunshine and set her sights on appreciating her surroundings.

    That contented dog has taught me more about life that I ever thought possible.

    My second lesson came from a day at our town’s street fair. The organizers brought in a rock-climbing wall, and I plopped down near the wall to eat a snack. I watched the kids excitedly scurry to the top and come whizzing back down.

    One girl, about ten years old, made her way to the front of the line. She got strapped into a harness and approached the wall.

    What came next was painful to watch. She tried climbing the wall and stumbled again and again. One step up, one step down.

    She couldn’t grab a foothold, and the other kids waiting their turn started to become anxious. To my amazement, she didn’t seem to notice her detractors. One step up, one step down.

    She went on like this—without making an ounce of a progress—for a good ten minutes. By this point, the kids behind her became loud and restless. They wanted her to stop trying—to stop wasting everyone’s time.

    But she kept on. One step up, one step down. Watching her perseverance, something I didn’t have at my age and certainly didn’t have at eight years old, made me cry.

    I was so proud of this little girl—this stranger who reminded me of the person I wish I had been. Even if I couldn’t be the best, I wish I tried.

    Finally, tired and sweaty, she backed away from the wall. Instead of looking defeated, she had a huge smile on her face. She turned around and ran towards her mom.

    “Mom,” she cried. “I almost did it! Can I try again later?”

    And with those simple words, I was a changed person—a recovering perfectionist.

  • 4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    Deep Thought

    “The lives we lead have everything to do with the questions we ask ourselves.” ~Lori Deschene

    You lay in bed night after night, tossing and turning, eager to push forward but unable to shake off the onslaught of what-ifs.

    What if I’m making a huge mistake? What if I fail utterly and miserably? What if I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this? What-if…? What-if…?

    Yet, no matter how crazy your anxiety and fears seem right now, you can snap out of it and make that new start you so desperately desire.

    How do I know?

    Let me tell you a little story…

    The Grand Decision to Quit a Great Job

    Two years ago, on a day that started like any other, I got an unexpected call from my husband from the hospital. “Don’t worry. They just want to run some tests before letting me go,” he said.

    He ended up having a four-hour emergency procedure followed by complications that landed him in the ICU for four days. Then a week of recuperation at home, followed by another mad dash to the emergency room.

    We needed weeks to get back to the “new” normal. Slowly the truth sunk in—my husband will likely live to a ripe old age, but he has a chronic condition and we’ll always have an invisible sword hanging over our heads.

    Something in me changed irrevocably after that incident.

    I set out on a crazy journey that has transformed into a complete overhaul of our lives. Part of the change process was my decision to quit the job that paid well, but sapped the life out of me.

    I planned every waking hour to discover an alternate way to earn a modest livelihood while living a life of purpose. I saved diligently and prepared my family and friends for what was to come.

    Then, ever so slowly, it was time. I set a date to resign.

    The Moment of Truth

    It took me two years from the time of my husband’s hospitalization to get to this point. You’d think I’d be excited and thrilled, right?

    Instead, an intense anxiety attack seized me. It took me completely by surprise. I couldn’t sleep. A slew of what-ifs threatened to wash away my resolute decision.

    In desperation, I brought it up with my mentor Jon Morrow. Jon got me to ask myself a few questions that finally snapped me out of the paralyzing grip of fear and anxiety.

    Question 1: Be a pessimist for five minutes. What’s the worst that can happen?

    My first reaction was: Why, the world will come to an end!

    But even in my crazy, anxious state, that sounded too dramatic and exaggerated. So, I tackled the what-ifs.

    I could be making a big mistake. But I’d still have my resume, work experience, and the good relationship with my (soon to be ex-) colleagues. If it was indeed a mistake, I could always go back and get a regular job. A little humbling, but not quite the end of the world.

    I’ll fail utterly and miserably. At making money—possibly, yes. But with other things—like trying to become a better person, a better parent, and creating a better world starting with my family first—there’s no failing. As for the money, again I could just go back to a regular job. Nowhere near the end of the world.

    I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this. OK, that’s just whining. Enough, already!

    So, ask yourself: What if all your what-ifs came true? What is the worst that can happen?

    Question 2: What will happen if you don’t make the change?

    I suddenly had this vision of a rich bride on the way to the altar to marry a poor bloke she desperately loved, get married, and live happily ever after in a tiny cottage, wearing the same two gingham dresses all her life—or bolt back to the comfort of her rich parents but be wretched for the rest of her life.

    Frankly, neither option looked very enticing.

    But if I had to make a choice, I think I would rather go ahead with the marriage. I could always spruce up that cottage and, heck, maybe even make a fine fashion accessory with the hay from the barn. Or something.

    So, ask yourself: Why did you want to make the change in the first place? What do you stand to lose if you don’t make the change?

    Question 3: What’s the real reason for your anxiety?

    I had no rational reason to feel anxious; I had covered pretty much all the bases.

    Or so I thought.

    As I dug deeper though, I realized my anxiety was essentially an identity crisis.

    I had spent the better part of the last 20 years being an engineer, and in the pursuit of making money.

    And here I was, on the verge of throwing that away. And with it, my old identity.

    While the rational part of me was okay with it, and even looking forward to it, a core part of me found it hard to let go.

    So, ask yourself: Are there any obvious reasons for your anxiety? If not, are there any underlying reasons that you may not have recognized yet?

    Question 4: What little step can you take now to get started?

    I knew switching my identities overnight was unrealistic. So, I took steps to slowly ease into my new identity.

    I took two days off each week and on those days, I wrote articles for blogs that I admired (just like this one) and interacted with their audiences. This let me test-drive being a blogger—my new identity—without actually having my own blog.

    I immersed myself in books on self-help and parenting, the topic of my future blog.

    I interacted with other bloggers through comments, emails, forums, and Facebook groups.

    And with each passing week, my anxiety shrank.

    So, ask yourself: What can you do right now to see the other side of change, in spite of the anxiety? Who can you reach out to that can help you quiet the negative inner voice?

    Finally, at the end of March, I walked into my manager’s office and handed in my two weeks’ notice. I felt calm. I felt in control. We had a nice chat and wished each other luck.

    Bottom Line

    In the end it all comes down to one thing: change isn’t easy.

    Despite your best-laid plans, you will have a few very low points. Your chances of success are often a result of how well you respond to them.

    This—the fear, the anxiety and the panic of starting—is just one of the low points.

    If you can beat this fear, you will not just succeed at making a new start now, but you’ll significantly improve your chances of surviving through all the future lows.

    So, what’s it going to be? Ready to ask yourself some tough questions?

    After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

    Photo by Chang’r

  • 8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    I didn’t spend two years and $100,000 for a master’s degree in counseling from an Ivy League university so that I could be miserable and hate my life fifty hours a week, but that’s what happened.

    After a few years in the trenches of the non-profit world, my job had become so emotionally draining that it was taking a vicious toll on my health and causing gripping anxiety attacks. I felt exhausted more often than not, and I was scrambling to find scraps of happiness in my previously joy-filled life.

    When I took the time to listen, my inner monologue sounded something like this:

    “You know you’re not doing what you love. Your life lacks a deeper meaning, and you have no idea what you’re really passionate about. What in the world are you doing with your life?”

    I wanted to do more, but I had no idea which path I wanted to take. I felt confused, stuck, and worst of all, embarrassed by my lack of direction. I was treading water as I waited for a sign as to what my next step should be.

    As the months continued to pass, I became more aware of how I was wasting time. I saw my life passing me by, leaving me only with regrets and “what ifs.”

    Finally, I was brutally honest with myself about my unhappiness and I embarked on some serious soul-searching. I asked myself tough questions and learned what it felt like to be authentically me. I discovered that my unhappiness was rooted in my lack of passion and I slowly began taking control.

    Six months later, I launched my own coaching business. A year later, I quit my job, reclaimed my life, and I have never been happier.

    But that doesn’t mean everything fell into place perfectly.

    Even though I had been building my own business for several months before I left my job, I was still scared. I didn’t know if I would be able to support myself financially or if my business would be sustainable.

    In order to build up my savings, there were months of saying no to happy hours and weekend brunch dates, moving in with a friend to decrease my rent, and cutting corners to save every dollar possible.

    Following my passion was emotionally challenging and a leap of faith, but I never worried about making the “wrong” choice because I knew I didn’t want to be unhappy any longer, and that was more important to me than any paycheck.

    It is terrifying when you feel like your life has no purpose or direction, but finding your passion can change all that. Finding your passion is like finding your personal road map. When you know what your passion is, you feel motivated, inspired, and so much clearer about what your next step should be.

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    1. Slow down.

    When we slow down, we are able to tap into the best version of ourselves, which is most often when we find the answers we’ve been searching for. This might mean practicing yoga, going for daily walks, or setting aside time each day to meditate. Slowing down allows you to quiet the outside voices and listen to yourself.

    2. Change your story.

    We all tell ourselves stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, and what we deserve. If we can identify our self-limiting stories (I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve to be happy, etc.), then we can begin writing new stories that are grounded in confidence and courage, and map out actions that move us from one to the other.

    3. Own your uniqueness.

    We are here for a reason. No one else has your unique blend of talents, wisdom, strengths, skills, and creativity. We all have something great to offer, and learning to accept and own what makes you unique is crucial to sharing your gifts with the world.

    4. Cultivate confidence.

    If we are continually telling ourselves we can’t, then we will never believe we can. There is a chance you may fail, but it will be impossible to succeed if you don’t believe in yourself. You can create affirmations, focus on the things you want, or make a vision board that shows your future success.

    5. Find the themes.

    Recognizing the recurring themes in our lives creates a pattern for us to either follow or change. What themes or lessons seem to constantly surface in your life? What are you drawn to again and again? What areas of life seem to be full of discomfort and pain? What areas are full of joy and light?

    6. Write.

    Ideas flow more freely when we write without an agenda. New inspiration may appear unexpectedly and it becomes easier to connect the dots. Spend a few minutes of quality time each day with a pen and paper allowing yourself to process your thoughts without influence from the outside world.

    7. Focus on the fun.

    Too often we get wrapped up in the expectations we set for ourselves. We focus on the details and the to-do lists instead of what is most important. What do you love to do? What makes you smile? If money were limitless, what would you be doing today?

    8. Push past fear.

    It’s so seductive to tell ourselves that we’ll go after what we want when we have more experience, more money, or more time, but the truth is, that will never happen. We must identify these excuses as masks for our fear. It’s only when we get clear on our fears and recognize how they are holding us back that we can begin moving forward.