Tag: Change
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If You’re Afraid of Making a Big Life Change
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts
I used to think that stability was the key to happiness. Stay in one place, build a career, nurture long-term relationships—these were the pillars of a successful life, or so I believed.
My life was a carefully constructed fortress of routine and familiarity. Wake up at 6 a.m., commute to the same office I’d worked at for a decade, come home to the same apartment I’d lived in since college, rinse and repeat. It was safe. It was predictable. It was slowly suffocating me.
As I approached my fortieth birthday, I found myself increasingly restless. The walls of my comfortable life felt more like a prison than a sanctuary. I’d scroll through social media, seeing friends and acquaintances embarking on new adventures, changing careers, and moving to new cities, and I’d feel a pang of envy mixed with fear.
“I wish I could do that,” I’d think, quickly followed by, “But what if it all goes wrong?”
It was during one of these late-night scrolling sessions that I came across a quote from Alan Watts that would change everything: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
I stared at those words, feeling as if they were speaking directly to my soul. What if, instead of fearing change, I embraced it?
The next morning, I woke up with a sense of purpose I hadn’t felt in years. I decided to make a change—not a small one, but a seismic shift that would challenge everything I thought I knew about myself and my life. I was going to quit my job, sell most of my possessions, and travel the world for a year.
The moment I made this decision, I felt a mix of exhilaration and sheer terror. What about my career? My apartment? My relationships? The questions swirled in my mind, threatening to overwhelm me. But beneath the fear, there was a spark of excitement that I couldn’t ignore.
I gave myself six months to prepare. Those months were a whirlwind of planning, saving, and facing the reactions of friends and family. Some were supportive; others thought I was having a midlife crisis.
My parents were particularly worried. “But what about your future?” they asked, echoing the same concerns they’d had when I switched majors in college.
As the departure date drew closer, my anxiety grew. There were moments when I seriously considered calling the whole thing off. What if I was making a horrible mistake? What if I couldn’t handle the uncertainty?
It was during one of these moments of doubt that I realized something important: The fear I was feeling wasn’t just about this trip. It was the same fear that had kept me trapped in a life that no longer fulfilled me. If I gave in to it now, I might never break free.
So, I pushed forward. I boarded that plane with a backpack, a one-way ticket, and a heart full of both terror and hope. The first few weeks were challenging. I felt lost, not just geographically but existentially. Who was I without my job title, my routine, my familiar surroundings?
But slowly, something magical began to happen. As I navigated new cities, tried new foods, and met people from all walks of life, I felt layers of my old self peeling away. I discovered a resilience I never knew I had. Problems that would have sent me into a tailspin back home became adventures and challenges to solve. I learned to trust my instincts, to find joy in the unexpected, and to embrace the unknown.
One particularly transformative moment came three months into my journey. I was hiking in the mountains of Peru, struggling with altitude sickness and questioning my decision to attempt this trek.
As I sat on a rock, catching my breath and fighting back tears, an elderly local woman passed by. She smiled at me and said something in Quechua that I didn’t understand. But her smile and the gentle pat she gave my shoulder spoke volumes.
In that moment, I realized that kindness and human connection transcend language and culture. I also realized that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
As the months passed, I found myself changing in ways I never expected. I became more open, more curious, more willing to try new things. I learned to live with less and appreciate more. The constant movement and change became not just tolerable but exhilarating. I was, as Alan Watts had said, joining the dance of change.
But it wasn’t all smooth sailing. There were days of loneliness, moments of doubt, and times when I missed the comfort of my old life. I learned that embracing change doesn’t mean you never feel fear or uncertainty. It means you feel those things and move forward anyway.
As my year of travel neared its end, I faced a new challenge: what next? The thought of returning to my old life felt impossible. I was no longer the person who had left a year ago. But the idea of continuing to travel indefinitely didn’t feel right either. I realized I was craving a new kind of stability—one built on the foundation of flexibility and growth I’d cultivated during my travels.
I decided to move to a new city, one I’d fallen in love with during my travels. I found a job that allowed me to use my old skills in new ways, with the flexibility to continue exploring the world. I made new friends who shared my love of adventure and personal growth. I created a life that embraced change rather than feared it.
Looking back on this journey, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. The person who was once paralyzed by the idea of change now seeks it out as a source of growth and excitement. Here are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned.
1. Fear is not a stop sign.
Fear is a natural part of change, but it doesn’t have to control you. Acknowledge it, understand it, but don’t let it make your decisions for you.
2. Discomfort is where growth happen.
The moments that challenged me the most were also the ones that taught me the most about myself and the world.
3. Flexibility is strength.
Being able to adapt to new situations is far more valuable than trying to control everything around you because often, the only thing you can control is how well you adapt.
4. Less is often more.
Living out of a backpack for a year taught me how little I actually need to be happy.
5. Change is constant.
Instead of resisting change, learning to flow with it brings a sense of peace and excitement to life.
6. It’s never too late.
At forty, I thought I was too old to radically change my life. I was wrong. It’s never too late to start a new chapter.
If you find yourself feeling stuck, yearning for something more but afraid to make a change, I encourage you to take that first step.
It doesn’t have to be as dramatic as selling everything and traveling the world (though I highly recommend it if you can!). Start small. Take a different route to work. Try a new hobby. Have a conversation with someone you wouldn’t normally talk to. Each small change builds your resilience and opens you up to new possibilities.
Embracing change doesn’t mean your life will always be easy or that you’ll never face challenges. But it does mean that you’ll be living fully, growing constantly, and experiencing the rich tapestry of what life has to offer.
Your life is not a fixed path but a journey of constant evolution. Embrace the changes, learn from the challenges, and celebrate the growth. The world is vast, life is short, and the greatest adventures often begin with a single step into the unknown. So take that step. Join the dance of change. You might be amazed at where it leads you.
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Divorce: A Portal to Reclaiming My Authentic Self
“The only journey is the one within.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Navigating life after divorce has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but divorce also contained the best gifts I have ever received. My whole world was shaken up and rearranged. The shake-up included a loss of career and becoming a mostly solo parent on top of the divorce.
From the rubble of my old life, I got the chance to build something new, authentic, and fresh. Divorce was a painful portal to powerfully reclaiming myself and my life. Through the rebuilding process, I found strength and clarity in ways I never expected.
Before my divorce, I felt anxious all the time, trapped in a constant cycle of wondering if I could be happier and if the problem was me, him, or us. I stayed in an agonizing limbo of “not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay” for about five years.
My husband at the time would ask, “Why can’t you just be happy with what you have?” The question hit me like a punch to the gut. Why couldn’t I? I was constantly questioning myself and my worth.
Looking back on it now, I see that was the wrong question. My husband at the time was largely deflecting from the issues I was bringing to him and making it about me being perpetually unhappy as some kind of default. But it was true that I had inner work to do, and it was up to me to figure out what would make me happy.
I tried everything to fix myself and the marriage—therapy, couples counseling, countless self-help books, and coaching. But the sense of loneliness persisted, especially around parenting, community, and spirituality.
The key challenges that made my marriage deeply unsatisfying for me were money, sex, emotional connection, and identity. For the first three we didn’t share the same values and there was constant friction. Underneath all of that misalignment in the relationship, though, was the fact that my identity had been swallowed up.
First in our company, which was his dream, but I worked tirelessly in it, and then in my role as a mom. But who was I, just for myself? That was the better question.
Eventually, what gave me the strength to leave the marriage was simply giving myself permission to want what I wanted based on knowing who I truly was and believing that whatever was best for me was also best for everyone in my life. I believe all the models of self-help and self-care that I tried contributed to this realization.
I had to believe that I could stand on my own, which was terrifying. But as I started taking small steps, each step, even the hardest ones, gave me the energy to keep going. I began to rebuild something real, authentic, and new.
Of course, it’s impossible to distill the five-year-plus journey into easy steps or “hot” tips. But I want to attempt to narrow it down to the six key insights that got me through, in the hopes it can inspire others too.
These are the six steps I took to use divorce as a portal to reclaim my authentic self.
1. I gave myself permission to want what I wanted.
For so long, I didn’t even know what I wanted. It was buried under years of trying to make everything work and thinking about what others wanted. It felt scary and uncomfortable to give myself permission to truly explore my desires, but once I did everything began to shift.
I admitted to myself that I was ambitious in my own right, that I wanted my own business, and I wasn’t satisfied playing the key supporting role in the family business. I uncovered the secret longing I had for an exciting and equal romantic partnership where I felt seen and valued for the insights, fun, and hard work I bring to my relationships.
Letting myself know what I wanted, taking those swirling locked-up longings from deep inside and forming them into solid words to be spoken out loud—that was the first step toward reclaiming my identity.
2. I identified my core values.
I took time to reflect on what truly mattered to me. Somewhere along the way I had merged values with my husband and his family. I needed to re-evaluate which ones were truly mine. This meant questioning everything from how I approached money to what emotional connection meant to me.
My core personal values of wholeheartedness and adventurousness weren’t engrained in my career nor were they present in my day to day. While there was nothing inherently dishonest about my life with my husband, our family wasn’t living in the deepest integrity that I longed for.
When I was able to let go of the values that no longer represented me, there was room to discover my true values, which I had suppressed.
3. I worked through old beliefs that were keeping me stuck.
The old narratives that had kept me stuck in my marriage for so long didn’t go away overnight. It took time to unpack them and let go of the guilt, fear, and limiting beliefs that were holding me back.
Particularly sticky was the belief that I was responsible for everyone’s feelings and coping abilities, even grown adults older than myself. Even after we separated, I felt responsible for how my ex was coping and the things he was choosing to do. But once I started working through these mental roadblocks, many of them newly emerging from my subconscious, I felt a sense of freedom I hadn’t experienced in years.
4. I allowed myself dream big—even when it felt impossible.
At the height of my separation, I was overwhelmed by tough decisions—parenting, finances, and the legal process. It felt ridiculous to even think about my dreams, but doing so gave me momentum. Dreaming big gave me a vision for a brighter future, one where I could live authentically. So my message for you is to allow yourself to dream, even when life feels heavy.
5. I set boundaries—both internal and external.
Learning to set boundaries, especially internal ones, helped me protect my energy and focus on rebuilding my life. Whether it was saying “no” to things that drained me or distancing myself from unhealthy dynamics, boundaries were crucial for me to maintain the new connection I had made with my authentic self. The new connection was tender and needed protection.
6. I took small, empowering actions.
Dreaming big was the most important step, but taking small actions was the only way to really feel like things were possible and manageable. Every little action created a ripple effect, surprising me with how much I could accomplish when I started small.
For example, I wanted to become financially free, a multi-layered goal that would take years, so I started with a one-year goal to read six financial literacy books and make a budget. I committed to the small action of reading for five minutes a day and simply recording current expenses on a spreadsheet. I logged my progress in a daily habit tracker.
For my big dream of finding an equal partner, I knew that I would need to be grounded and confident, so I committed to meditating ten minutes a day. There were other bigger leaps that had to be taken along the way of course, but those small daily habits really changed me. Now I read and meditate easily for hours a day, and I relish the time, but I remember when I first started how hard it felt to do even five minutes.
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It took me years, close to a decade, to reflect on and finally see the steps I took to get to where I am today. I hope it doesn’t take that long for anyone reading this who is navigating divorce. Please use these and apply them to your own situation. I hope they serve as a reminder that even though the journey is hard, there’s immense strength, growth, and rebirth waiting on the other side. Go get it!
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Lessons from Death and Awakening to an Authentic Life
“Life doesn’t owe us anything. We only owe ourselves, to make the most of the life we are living, of the time we have left, and to live in gratitude.” ~Bronnie Ware
Today, I’d like to tell a story about death.
It’s a word that tends to shift the energy in a room, isn’t it? People tense up, lean back, or grow silent. Death is often seen as morbid, something to avoid or fear. But I’ve come to see it differently. The more we speak about death with openness and reverence, the less heavy and frightening it feels.
My earliest experiences of death were when my grandparents passed away. I remember the moment my parents told us about one of my grandfather’s deaths. The atmosphere was so tense, so thick with unspoken grief. I was five or six and wanted to laugh. It wasn’t disrespect or indifference—I now realize it was my body’s way of releasing the unbearable tension in the room.
But the most profound experience of death came when my mother passed away. I was twenty-six. Almost twenty years ago. She had cancer.
I spent long, quiet days with her in that stark, clinical hospital room. I vividly remember the stairs—climbing them one at a time, deliberately slow, as if dragging my feet might delay the inevitable. Each step felt heavy, as though I could somehow resist the truth waiting on that floor.
I remember not knowing what to say or do, especially as she told me, “It’s hard.”
I think she held back her tears for my sake, just as I held back mine for hers.
Part of us denied the truth. Part of us clung to hope. And part of us knew the inevitable was coming.
Looking back, I wish we had cried together. I wish we had allowed ourselves to fully feel the grief, the sadness, the heaviness of it all. Instead, we put on brave faces, trying to protect each other. But what were we protecting? We were both struggling.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have approached her final days differently. I would have offered her a soft space to breathe, to release, to let go of the grasping. I would have guided her into that transition with love, reminding her she was returning to the beautiful energy of the universe, back to the souls she loved.
I would have told her I loved her. Many times over those last few weeks together.
I carried the weight of guilt for years, particularly over not being with her in the exact moment she passed. She transitioned in the middle of the night while my sister and I were sleeping at home.
But now, I choose to believe she wasn’t alone. Perhaps she was supported by the unseen forces in the soul field, her guides, and her loved ones on the other side. No one knows what happens after we die, but I find this thought comforting.
I’ve come to believe we need to talk about death—not to dwell on it but to embrace its truth. Death is part of life. It’s a cycle—a beginning, a middle, and an end.
When I returned to Florida after her passing, I was in shock. Everything felt different, small compared to the immensity of what I had just experienced. Parties and drinking no longer appealed to me. My relationship felt empty, and I couldn’t even remember why I was in it. My job felt meaningless.
Death had brought to my attention a way deeper understanding of impermanence, driving a quiet urgency to reevaluate my life. Not a frantic urgency but a deep realization that life is short. Life is precious. That realization was life-affirming.
Each breath matters. Each moment matters. It made me ask:
- Where am I spending my energy?
- With whom?
- What am I serving?
- What am I contributing to this world?
This questioning was the beginning of my expansion. It wasn’t linear—there were steps forward and plenty backward—but it set me on a path toward alignment with my evolving truth.
I believe we must live with an awareness of death. Not just intellectually but deeply, in our bones. When we truly embody the knowledge that we will die—perhaps even today—it reshapes how we live.
Buddhist teachings encourage meditating on death, imagining one’s own passing. It’s not morbid; it’s clarifying. If you knew you might die today, how would you live?
In The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware shares wisdom from her years as a palliative care nurse. These are the most common regrets she heard:
1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
5. “I wish I had let myself be happier.”
These resonate deeply with me. When my mother passed, I unknowingly began a journey to align my life with these truths. I’ll admit I’m still working on the five of them. Life has a way of distracting us from what matters most.
But this is my reminder to myself—and to you—as we near the end of the year:
Slow down. Take a step back. Reflect on how far you’ve come and where you want to go next.
My wish for you is to reflect on this. Let the thought of your mortality infuse your life with intention—not pressure, but clarity. Maybe you’ll realize that what matters most is spending time with loved ones. Maybe it’s pursuing a dream, letting go of a grudge, or simply savoring the gift of being alive.
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How My Life Changed After 365 Days of Self-Discovery
“The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.” ~Steve Jobs
In 2017, I stood at a crossroads. Armed with a law degree but burdened by uncertainty, I faced a future that felt both daunting and uninspiring. The path I had chosen—the one society had essentially prescribed for me—suddenly seemed hollow because the path did not align well with my values and a vision of fulfilling life.
I knew I needed a change, but the prospect of starting over terrified me. Today, I wake up every morning filled with purpose and excitement. I’m a passionate educator, inspiring students and shaping futures.
The transformation from confused law graduate to fulfilled teacher didn’t happen overnight, but it did occur in just one year. Here’s how I navigated this life-changing career transition, and how you can make a change too, regardless of your starting point or destination.
The first step was reframing my mindset. Instead of viewing my career change as a risky leap into the unknown, I decided to treat it as a year-long experiment in self-discovery. This shift allowed me to approach each day with curiosity rather than fear.
I set a simple goal: learn something new about myself or a potential career path every single day. Some days, this meant reading articles about different professions. Other days, I attended networking events or conducted informational interviews.
The key was consistency. I committed to doing something every day, no matter how small.
One of the biggest hurdles I faced was the weight of others’ expectations. Friends, family, and even strangers had opinions about my choice to leave law behind. “But you worked so hard for that degree!” they’d say, or “Lawyers make such good money; why would you give that up?”
I had to learn to silence these voices—not just externally but internally too. I realized I had internalized many of society’s expectations about success and prestige.
Letting go of these allowed me to truly listen to my own desires and intuitions.
Each evening, I spent fifteen minutes journaling about my experiences and feelings. This simple practice became a powerful tool for self-discovery.
I asked myself questions like: What energized me today? What drained me? What am I curious to learn more about? What fears or doubts came up, and where did they come from?
I also began noting moments of gratitude, no matter how small—like a kind word from a friend or the warmth of the evening breeze. These reflections not only helped me understand my emotions but also shifted my focus toward growth and possibilities.
Over time, patterns emerged. I noticed how my energy soared when I helped others understand complex topics and how I lit up when discussing ideas rather than legal statutes.
Leaving the familiar world of law behind was uncomfortable. There were days filled with doubt and anxiety. But I learned to lean into this discomfort, recognizing it as a sign of growth.
I started small, challenging myself to do one thing outside my comfort zone each week. Sometimes this meant attending a meetup group alone; other times it was reaching out to a stranger for career advice.
Each small step built my confidence and resilience.
The pivotal moment came when I volunteered to teach a weekend workshop on basic legal concepts for high school students. Standing in front of that classroom, watching eyes light up with understanding, I felt a spark I’d never experienced in law.
This experience led me to seek out more teaching opportunities. I tutored, led study groups, and eventually secured a position as a teaching assistant at a local community college.
With each experience, my passion for education grew stronger.
My year of self-discovery wasn’t just about passive reflection. It was an active cycle of learning and doing. I’d learn about a potential career path, then find a way to experience it firsthand.
This hands-on approach accelerated my growth and helped me quickly identify what resonated with me.
Looking back, I realize that the most crucial factor in my successful career transition wasn’t innate talent or lucky breaks. It was consistency. By committing to daily action and reflection, I made steady progress even when I couldn’t see the end goal.
This consistency put me ahead of 99% of people who dream of career changes but never take sustained action. It’s not about making huge leaps every day; it’s about small, consistent steps in the direction of your dreams.
My path led me from law to education, but your journey might look entirely different. The beauty of self-discovery is that it’s uniquely yours. The “right” path isn’t always obvious or immediate, but by giving yourself permission to explore, you open the door to possibilities you might never have imagined.
As you embark on your own journey of self-discovery, remember:
1. Reframe challenges as experiments and learning opportunities.
Each hurdle is a step closer to understanding yourself and what you’re capable of.
2. Practice daily reflection to uncover your true desires and motivations…
…perhaps using the questions I shared above to identify what energizes and drains you, what excites your curiosity, and what might be holding you back. Writing your thoughts consistently will create a map of your inner world.
3. Embrace discomfort as a sign of growth.
The moments that feel challenging often signal transformation. Lean into them with trust and courage.
4. Seek out hands-on experiences in fields that interest you.
Whether it’s through volunteering, interning, shadowing, or simply having conversations with people in those spaces, the exposure can illuminate paths you hadn’t considered.
5. Stay consistent, taking small actions every day.
Progress doesn’t require giant leaps; steady steps compound into meaningful outcomes.
6. Be patient with yourself and the process.
Meaningful change and self-discovery don’t happen overnight. Celebrate the small wins, and remember that setbacks are part of the journey.
Lastly, cultivate gratitude and curiosity. These are the twin forces that fuel resilience and creativity, helping you see the beauty in both the process and the unknown.
The only way to fail in this process is to never try. So, I encourage you: start your year of fearless exploration today. Your future self will thank you for having the courage to seek a life and career that truly fulfills you.
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I Had Enough: What’s Happened Since I Quit My Job
“Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away from the things that no longer serve your growth or well-being.” ~Unknown
I’ve always been a very independent person with an adventurous spirit, so no one was surprised when I moved away from my small town in Ontario, Canada, to become a nanny in Spain the second I graduated from high school.
It was a whole new world with ancient streets, delicious food, and friendly people. I knew that I had made the right choice to adventure away from the place where I was raised.
I’m someone who has itchy feet. It’s been difficult to stay in one place for any length of time. Over the last twelve years, I’ve lived all over the map, from Spain to Calgary, Alberta, and most recently in Vancouver, British Columbia.
The town where I grew up is known for its brutal winters, quiet neighborhoods, and having “not much to do” there. So naturally, I spent my twenties looking to live in any place that was as different as possible from that boring town where I was raised.
The first time I had visited the west coast, I thought: Why would anyone live anywhere else in this country besides here? The mountains, the ocean, the active lifestyle, the endless options for outdoor adventure… I fell in love with it and ended up spending almost a decade of my life as a West Coast girl.
During this time, I got a university degree and, shortly after, landed a job at a tech company, where I was earning a salary that I didn’t ever think would be possible for me.
At first, the job was a positive feature in my life: I learned all kinds of skills I hadn’t had the opportunity to develop before. I was given promotions and eventually was put in a position to lead a team, something I ended up really enjoying. But over time, I started to notice little things that made me question whether I was really happy.
I remember having a conversation with a close friend about a year and a half into the job, where I expressed strong discontentment for my work. My friend, the wise woman she is, immediately validated my concerns and gave her opinion that I should really quit this job.
I remember thinking, how shortsighted of her. Doesn’t she realize if I quit, I won’t be able to make this salary again? I have bills to pay and people on my team at work who need me.
Fast forward; another year flew by, and things only got worse. I was working ten-hour days consistently, and I developed stomach pain and started having migraines. My weekends were bogged down by thoughts of the mess I would return to on Monday morning.
My friends and family continued to call out how this job was not constructive for me and let me know that I wasn’t the same “light” person I used to be. My mother in particular did not like that I was no longer writing or doing anything creative anymore as a result of my energy being sucked away by this job.
After many nights of sleeplessness due to the nature of this massive decision, I finally decided to act. Now, in case anyone is reading this and is in a similar situation, I want to share just how difficult this decision was for me.
I wasn’t able to hear feedback from my family and friends and immediately quit my job. No, there were many months in the middle where I would flip-flop. I think leaving a job is the same as leaving a relationship—only you will know when you are truly ready.
Quitting this job was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in recent years. I had spent countless days and nights weighing the pros and cons of my decision, thinking about the team members involved. Who would I be putting in a tough situation? Would the company be able to replace me? Would I be upsetting team members, my boss, the CEO? Was I a failure for quitting? Did this burnout say something about my value as a worker, as a person?
When I finally turned in my resignation, I was stunned to learn that nobody really cared. I thought for sure I would hear from the folks I worked with after I left, but it has now been several months, and I have heard from no one.
In the middle of this decision-making process, I was in close contact with my mother. She is an amazing woman who lives on her own in a quaint, lovely house in the small Ontario town where we’re from. The town that I spent years dreaming about leaving. So, when she heard I was thinking of quitting my job and suggested I could move back home and live with her, naturally, I was offended she would even suggest the idea.
Move back in with my mom? What would everyone think of me? Thirty-one, jobless, and living at home?
But over time, to everyone’s surprise, especially my own, I started to warm up to the idea. Living alone in a big city, working a difficult job, and providing everything for myself for the last fourteen years was catching up to me. I was exhausted and lonely.
So, in March this year, I packed up my apartment in beautiful North Vancouver, fit what I could into my Toyota Corolla (including my border collie mix, Rex), and drove across the country, back to small town Ontario.
In a lot of ways, being back in my hometown is weird. There is definitely less to do here than in big Canadian cities. Instead of spending my weekends with friends, I usually spend them with my mom’s friends or my siblings. Instead of hiking epic, world-famous mountains, I walk in the trails along the street where we live. It is a quiet life, much different than what I’ve left behind.
But at thirty-one, after the last decade of independent living and the last few years of this difficult job, I welcome the quiet life with open arms.
I traded long days and late nights working remotely, feeling stressed and isolated, for sleep-in mornings with my dog and forest walks where I’m not checking my watch because I need to make sure I get back for a meeting at 1 p.m.
Now, instead of trying to find time in the day to eat a meal, I cook big dinners that I get to share with family and friends. I now get a hug from my mother every morning instead of only once a year at Christmas.
We’ve all heard the cliches about life being short, time with family being invaluable, money isn’t everything, etc.. But isn’t it true that cliches are cliches for a reason.
We know that days on this earth are not promised for any of us. I didn’t want to be thirty-one years old, working in a lonely apartment, giving my energy to a company that didn’t care about me for another ten years.
While the decision was difficult, especially in this economy, I will say it is amazing how many doors open when you free your mind from the mental gymnastics of a toxic job and the decision-making of whether you should leave it.
My life looks different now: I’ve started writing again (look, you’re reading one of my articles now), I’ve started a master’s program, and I’ve got plans to become a fitness instructor, something I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the time.
Of course there are unknowns in my life, and I don’t know if I will live in this small town forever. But for now, it’s given me invaluable time with my mother and family, a place to rest and recover from years of working a very stressful job, and a chance to start a few new projects that make me feel like “me” again.
If you are in a similar predicament, and if you are lucky enough to have some of the same privileges that I do, I recommend that you allow yourself a break. This doesn’t have to mean moving back in with your parents. It could also mean leaning on your partner for a while if that’s an option. Or utilizing savings for a bit, if you have any, to give yourself time to focus on what really matters and figure out what’s next.
Family, health, and happiness should always come before the corporate grind, society’s expectations of you, or any amount of money. I hope this serves as a reminder.
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5 Tips for Updating Your Career and Life to Match Who You Are Now
“All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are.” ~Brianna Wiest
I’ll admit it. I stayed in a failed marriage for five years past its expiration date. I got especially good at faking smiles in public and relegating myself to my laptop most evenings.
I also sentenced myself to a career that stopped “lighting me up” about a decade before I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender. As in my marriage, I refused to believe its end for ages and tried everything I could think of to keep this dying flame alive. I switched positions and teams, constantly created new goalposts for myself, changed organizations, and even moved to Asia well before I was willing to let my career go.
And one day, without warning, my sister called from New York to say that our beautiful mother had just crossed over to the other side. On that soft green couch in South Korea, thousands of miles from family, my already deeply unsatisfactory private life imploded. So did the carefully curated and adventurous-looking life that everyone on the outside saw. I was broken.
Please allow me a “real talk” time out, folks.
Can we discuss the importance of using our persistent feelings as signals, or guideposts? I’m not suggesting we throw out logic. I’m also not referring to our typically loud and fleeting reactions to everyday stressors. I’m talking about an instinctive knowing, the quiet kind that’s easy to ignore.
Though I routinely taught this to my own two children and students, my intellectualizing didn’t mean I was actually practicing what I preached. Not by a long shot.
Not until a powerful wave of grief swept the rug out from under me, that is.
Deeply empathetic and sensitive, with a mother who was a counselor, I grew up learning how to accept and validate my feelings. I knew to listen to them, to manage them when they didn’t serve me, and to use them to identify opportunities to learn more about myself. So, why on earth would I work so hard to hide them from my own conscious awareness for years when I knew my marriage and career were no longer right for me? I’ve got thoughts on that.
Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing kept me safely in a socially acceptable family structure.
Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing made it easy to receive invitations to holiday dinners with other international families while living abroad.
Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing allowed me to continue to make good money, feel successful as a professional, provide for my children, and travel to new countries a few times a year.
Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing had predictable, albeit routinely unpleasant, results.
Perhaps it was because I had no idea who I would be if I wasn’t a wife or a teacher.
But when my mother passed away, my entire world went dark. Suddenly, nothing else mattered.
Losing my mother was the single hardest experience of my lifetime. It was also the catalyst for my own wake-up call on multiple levels. And perhaps this was what my soul needed to remember how to seek what did matter, and to recognize my own fulfillment as worthy of sitting at the very top spot of that list.
Layers of grief forced me to experience feelings I’d been bottling up for years. Grief pressed me to listen to my feelings and to ask what there was to learn from the patterns in my life. It begged me to create the space and stillness to finally accept that the career and life I had built were ones I had long outgrown. It also prompted me to finally ask for help.
I wasn’t happy living a life I had built decades ago because I was no longer that person, and accepting this realization was empowering.
Eventually, and with the aid of some irrefutable signs from the universe and some excellent coaching, I gave myself permission to pivot from my profession. I could also see that my resistance to change had been the only true thing standing between me and a much more fulfilling life and career. Not anymore.
Loss is a beast. But on the other side of it, there is inevitably gain.
If you find yourself at a crossroads in life and crave a pathway for building something new to fit the person you have grown into, I have an annoyingly obvious secret to share. The only person capable of carving this way forward is you. And while this may feel like an impossible and unwelcome challenge, I venture to say that this fact could end up being your greatest gift.
What if you could see beyond the endings and revel in the endless possibilities ahead?
What kind of work and contribution to the world would you pursue if none of society’s imposed limits existed?
If money were no object, what would you spend your time doing.
What type of life do you want to build for yourself?
What would future you, nearing the end of their life, look back on and smile contentedly about?
While I can’t give you any of your answers, my own failures and aha moments have allowed me to compile the following tips for folks like you who may be approaching a career transition.
If you’ve decided your fulfillment should be at the top of your life list and you’re ready to update your career to match the version of you who is reading this today, try these five tips on for size.
1. Create some space or spaciousness before life creates it for you.
Once upon a time, before my whole world stopped with a single sharp loss, my mind loved wasting entire days on unimportant details of daily life. The state of constant busyness I tended to wrap myself in had allowed me to bury the deep feelings of restlessness and dissatisfaction lurking faithfully just below the surface.
My incessant thoughts were part of my unconscious “living” and were a big part of what prevented me from being aware, present, and authentic in my current reality. I thought my thoughts were me, but I was so far from the truth.
I may never have stopped this incessant mind-drivel had I not been handed Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Why Your Thinking Is the Beginning and End to Your Suffering by Joseph Nguyen.
It taught me that if I didn’t choose to actively create internal space by taking up daily yoga and meditation (or another practice), I never would have gotten to know who I truly was. And without that, how on earth would I have created a career shift to match the updated version of myself? (News flash: I would not have.)
If you choose just one item from this list to try before making a career shift, please let this be the one. Commit to one practice that creates spaciousness in your life and refuse to let go. Because if your new career is going to match the updated version of you, you have got to start with getting to know yourself. And you’ll only achieve this by making space and staying there a while, routinely.
2. Take stock of the childhood dreams you (mistakenly) labeled as fantasies.
What did you want to do when you were seven? You may laugh, but this question is so useful in helping us to see what our soul has always been drawn to do (at least, before society stepped in with all of its “shoulds”).
When we’re young children, we’re not nearly as caught up in our own minds as our adult selves are. As a result, we’re much more easily opened up to our purpose, our desires, and joy-seeking behaviors.
Make a list of the things you enjoyed doing as a seven-year-old. Do you still do any of these things today? Do any of these things appeal or inspire new, similar ideas? Take stock, and please don’t laugh them off. The key to a glorious, fulfilling future may lie in these former hobbies and interests.
3. See yourself for who you are now (not for who you used to be).
Let’s also be sure to get to know the person we have become today.
If nobody in your family could see into your ballot box for career-choosing, where would your vote go? We no longer need to please our parents! We’re adulting, after all. We aren’t here to please our spouses or our children either (though we can and should darn well love the heck out of them). We are here to please ourselves, and once that’s in place, well, you know the rest.
For some of us, asking people who are closest to us for feedback can really help to get the ball rolling, too. What do our closest friends or colleagues see as our key strengths and weaknesses? What do they notice us bringing to any room we enter? Keep the feedback that resonates and leave the rest.
4. Notice what fires you up.
What do you find yourself getting passionate (either intensely interested or completely annoyed) about? What could you spend your whole day doing (if life wasn’t always “lifing”)? What comes easily to you and allows you to feel in the flow?
Herein lie clues about your interests and passions, and potentially some of your core skills or gifts. What makes time fly by for you? What conversations do you find yourself drawn to or searching for?
What do you realize you stand for again and again, regardless of circumstances? What values does this reflect that you hold? Once you’ve answered some of these questions, check to see if the career paths you’re considering would complement, jive with, or fall right in line with at least one of these things.
5. Test out potential careers before jumping.
A change as big as a career shift warrants some personal research. And according to professional research, humans are pretty terrible at predicting what will make us happy. We’ve simply got to test our ideas out.
What if I told you that you could create some ways to test out potential career pivots before making them? Have you considered volunteer work? What about emailing every contact you have to ask if they know anyone working in the field who’d be willing to have a career curiosity call?
Could you come up with a project that would allow you to test out/try out new skills? What about a job shadow day? Have you considered cold messaging someone via LinkedIn who works in that field?
Whatever ideas you come up with will inevitably be better than simply jumping at your best guess. Get in there! Get creative. And get started on updating your life and career to match who you are today, not the person you were years ago when you created the life you’re still living now.
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It’s Never Too Late to Change: How to Reinvent Yourself in Midlife
“Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” ~Unknown
Five years ago, as I approached my fortieth birthday, I was deeply dissatisfied with my life.
I resolved to change everything: to leave San Francisco, where I’d lived for nearly a decade, and to shift my career trajectory, finally committing to my passion—writing.
I also vowed to address my intimacy issues in friendships and romantic relationships. This desire led to countless online dates and deeper introspection, particularly regarding the impact of my mother’s death when I was a teenager and the emotional distance between my father and me.
That period of reflection allowed me to confront my deeper insecurities and desires head-on, compelling me to look in the mirror and decide what changes I could make to lead a more aligned life. Age was a factor as I considered how I wanted to live the second half of my life.
Ultimately, it came down to honestly assessing and accepting where I was at that juncture and then changing what was within my control.
Coming to Terms with Being Single and Child-Free
When I was in my early thirties, a good friend’s mother encouraged me to have children because she claimed I would regret it later. As I approached forty and reflected on being childfree by choice, I didn’t regret my childless existence.
I did face the social stigma of being “single and childfree” in my forties, though. Friends would comment about single people in their late thirties or forties, suggesting something must be “wrong” with them if they were still single. I wanted to challenge that assumption.
Some people, due to past traumas, might fear intimacy, but that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them. Others, I believe, might genuinely prefer the single life.
I was content with my decision not to have children and grateful that being childfree enabled me to make changes, like moving to Santa Fe in my early forties, which might not have been as easy with children. That move had an incredibly positive impact on my life, as being in “The Land of Enchantment” opened the doors to a profoundly satisfying creative life.
Intentionally Shaping My Life
I undertook a “life audit” and reflected on different aspects of my life. Granted, I didn’t conquer everything at once, but I slowly changed various areas of my life. For example, I first addressed that I wasn’t happy in San Francisco and started to reflect on what type of environment would suit me.
Next, I looked at my career and acknowledged that I wanted to devote more time to my personal writing. So, I tried to find a job that would provide a stable income yet wouldn’t drain me and instead allow me to focus on my creative life. I did want to one day be in a healthy relationship, so I understood that this might take effort on my part—acknowledging my barriers to intimacy and reflecting on how previous relationships went wrong.
Slowly, I began to work through various aspects of my life, and I could see that as I became more intentional about where I invested my time and energy and where I focused my thoughts, my life began to shift.
Embracing the Process of Self-Discovery
My inner work during the last five years (I’ll turn forty-five later this year) led me to a life with balance, purpose, and meaning. During those years, I felt I looked in the mirror, reconciled parts of my past, and reclaimed my future.
I learned that it is never too late to change the trajectory of my life. While it hasn’t been easy, the journey to where I am now has been profoundly enriching.
Today, my nervous system has shifted from fight-or-flight mode to a stable resting place, allowing me to fully appreciate what I’ve created: a remote job, my writing career, my community, and the new place I call home.
I recognize that the “life audit” I undertook at forty brought me to where I am today, and I know this kind of transformation is possible for anyone who dares to reinvent themselves in midlife.
Five Steps to Reinvention
Below are five steps that might help you in your midlife transition.
1. Be honest with yourself.
Embrace where your life has led you, acknowledging successes and challenges. I recommend conducting a life audit and reflecting on all aspects of it, then asking a trusted friend to review it.
Are you happy with your job or career? Are you satisfied with your relationships? Does your life feel meaningful? Do you like where you live? Assess which areas you feel content with and where you could improve your life. Consider creating a detailed list of these aspects and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most satisfying.
2. Practice self-forgiveness.
Release guilt or regret by forgiving yourself for past decisions and focusing on the lessons learned. Avoid the trap of thinking you should be at a certain point by a certain age—it’s not helpful.
If there are areas in your life where you feel changes are needed, know that with some effort, you can make the improvements you desire. Not forgiving yourself could lead to resentment, which will not provide a natural flow to your life or the right energy to create the desired shifts.
Self-forgiveness is not just about letting go; it’s about feeling a sense of accomplishment for overcoming past challenges.
3. Prioritize your goals.
After completing your life audit, identify the changes you want to make and focus on those that matter most to your growth and happiness. You may not be able to change everything at once, so concentrate on manageable areas. Prioritizing your goals is not just about setting targets; it’s about being focused and determined to make the changes that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
For example, if you want to move and change jobs, you can address both simultaneously. You could hire a coach who focuses on midlife career transitions if you’re going to begin something anew. Or, if you’re going to build a solid relationship, work with a therapist to explore obstacles and gradually become more active in online dating.
If improving your physical health is a goal, commit more time to the gym. As I did, you’ll find that the changes we must make often become more manageable with daily progress.
4. Embrace change.
Welcome change as an opportunity for growth rather than something to fear. Making significant changes in your life can be scary, but that’s one of the benefits of being in midlife—you’ve already been through a lot, so you’ve likely built up enough confidence and courage to improve your life further.
Embracing change is not just about adapting; it’s about feeling empowered to shape your life as you see fit. While change can be intimidating, trust that you’ll feel excited by the possibilities as you begin taking steps toward a more aligned life.
5. Build a supportive network.
Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who encourage and inspire you on your journey. Good friends or a supportive community will be invaluable during this transitional period.
Before my fortieth birthday, I regularly convened women’s circles at my San Francisco home. I surrounded myself with like-minded women facing challenges, and they became a trusted brain trust and supportive community.
Don’t be afraid of midlife!
Despite being portrayed as a challenging period that one should dread, midlife, in contrast, is an exciting time when one can reflect on one’s life, use your life experience to navigate the next stage of life, and create waves of change.
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Lost, Scared, and Broken: How Self-Awareness Saved My Life
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” ~Nathaniel Branden
I felt lost. I felt broken. I felt scared.
As I sat alone in that cold, dark jail cell, I felt like I had hit rock bottom.
My feet chilled against the cold stone floor. The creaky wooden bench, stitched together with narrow strips, tormented me.
Inmates shouted all around me. Their voices echoed in the dark. It was like the noise of the outside world had finally caught up with the noise inside my head. I just wanted to scream.
I was sixteen, but I felt as if my life was already over. Shame and regret filled my heart as I wondered: Is this really all there is? Is this the path my life has taken? Who am I becoming?
For the first time, I faced a truth: I was becoming the person I despised most—my father, a man consumed by addiction and destruction.
My father’s absence was a constant presence in my life. Only occasionally, when he was off one of his benders and attempting to get clean, was he around. But usually, he would drink a lot of alcohol at the house.
I hated him. I hated that man so much for the pain that he caused my mom. The sweetest woman that I have ever known in my entire life. She is the person in my life who taught me about true strength and resilience. She is one of the reasons that I know single mothers are some of the most daring and powerful people.
Despite all the anger and hatred I carried toward him, I was walking the same path, making the same choices.
I’d started drinking and smoking weed at thirteen, began selling drugs soon after, and was eventually caught with varied substances, lots of cash, and a scale.
I was becoming no good, like my father. In fact, I was doing the exact same thing I hated him for—causing my poor mom so much pain.
The weight of that realization was crushing. I felt as though I was drowning in the results of my actions and choices.
I thought of my mother, a single woman. She did all she could to raise us. She had sacrificed so much for me and my siblings. And here I was, her middle child, sitting in a jail cell as the police smashed our house because they thought I’d been running a big drug operation. I was expelled from not just a school but an entire school district.
I pictured her at home, staring at the smashed windows and broken-down doors in hurt and disbelief. The shame of that tore at me. I wanted to be the man who made her proud, the man who helped her, not another weight on her shoulders. I had let her down. I had let myself down.
And at that moment, I knew—I couldn’t keep living this way. Something had to change.
The Moment That Changed Everything
In that cold, uncomfortable jail cell, I asked myself: Who am I becoming? Is this the man I want to be? Is this my future? The fear, shame, and regret were suffocating. I had no tools or mentors to help me through them. But even in the darkness, something clicked.
This was my wake-up call. I had hit rock bottom. I had two choices: continue down this path toward self-destruction or take control of my life. It was now or never.
When I got out, I made a decision to change. I did everything I had to do. I completed my community service. I attended a wilderness program. They put a group of troubled boys together and had them camp on islands for a month. I followed all the rules.
It was one of the places where I first learned to face my fears. Because we were climbing a mountain one afternoon, and it was a steep one.
I had a fear of heights (still do), and I forgot that I had told them this earlier that day or at the start of the program. Honestly, I can’t remember exactly.
That day, I looked up at the mountain we were told to climb and decided to push through my fears. So I climbed. I was breaking my barriers and overcoming limiting beliefs. One instructor said something I can’t recall any teacher or peer telling me back then.
“Look at you overcoming your fears, Eddy. I’m proud of you.”
To be real, I forgot about that moment until now. Writing this blog has brought tears to my eyes.
None of it was easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. It took everything I had. I had to change my habits, face my limiting beliefs, and distance myself from those who wanted to bring me down.
In fact, one of the hardest things then was that my “friends” abandoned me. None of them were there for me when I got out. None of them reached out to me. Still to this day, I haven’t heard any word from them.
But it was the only way forward.
Lessons in Self-Awareness and Reflection
Looking back, I realize that the moment in the jail cell was the turning point of my life. It was the hardest, most painful experience I’ve ever had. But it opened my eyes to the power of self-awareness and reflection.
Self-awareness isn’t about acknowledging your mistakes. It’s about knowing your core self. It’s about seeing the patterns in your life that hold you back. Then, you must choose to break those patterns.
Through self-awareness, I discovered that I had the power to change the course of my life. And that’s what I want to share with you.
How Self-Awareness Can Change Your Life
1. Create space for reflection.
You don’t need to hit rock bottom to start reflecting on your life. Take a few quiet moments in your day. It can be five minutes in the morning or ten minutes before bed. Ask yourself, “Where am I heading?”
Journaling is an excellent tool for this. It allows you to get your thoughts out of your head and onto the page where you can look at them objectively. Journaling has been the saving grace of my entire life.
When I lost one of my best friends to pancreatic cancer, I went backpacking and filled a whole journal.
When I decided to make a big decision and take a risk career-wise, it was through journaling.
When I had to make a decision or process the pain from a relationship, it was through journaling.
If journaling feels overwhelming at first, start with one question: What do I need to let go of today? I ask myself this question every morning. Write down the first thing that comes to mind without overthinking it.
2. Face the truth, even when it hurts.
Real change starts with honesty. Be brutally honest with yourself. Look at your life—your habits, your choices, your relationships—and ask, “Is this serving me?” This level of honesty is uncomfortable, but it’s the first step toward growth. Growth’s largest leaps stem from stepping out of our comfort zone.
3. Start small, but be consistent.
You don’t need to make drastic changes overnight. Instead, focus on making small, meaningful changes in your daily life. Whether it’s improving one habit or letting go of one toxic relationship, these small steps will create lasting change over time.
I learned this from a mentor of mine and James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. Starting small seems pointless to most of us. That change needs to come in one big, massive swipe. But that’s not how we work as people. That kind of change returns us to our original state.
My mentor taught me that if we only move a millimeter to the left or right when driving, it will seem like we’re in the same spot at first. But a week, a month, or a year down the road? You will be in a completely different place in life than you would have if you went straight.
4. Reframe your struggles as opportunities.
I learned a big lesson: Our failures and mistakes are our biggest chances to grow.
When you face challenges, ask yourself, “What is this teaching me?” Reframe your failures as lessons and use them to become stronger.
So often people believe that their pain or the failures they’ve experienced in the past are what’s holding them back when actually it’s their perspective.
These moments in our lives are actually our breakthrough moments. The moments when what was once a should or sometime later becomes a must.
Almost all breakthroughs or massive moments of growth in our lives come from these failures, obstacles, or challenges. Whatever word you want to use. Mine had a significant impact.
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That cold, dark jail cell was the lowest point of my life. But it was also the moment that saved me. Through self-awareness and reflection, I was able to take control of my life and change my future.
For me, the journey started small—taking accountability for my actions, cutting ties with people who held me back, and focusing on one habit at a time. It wasn’t an overnight transformation, and I stumbled many times along the way. But each step, no matter how small, brought me closer to the person I wanted to be.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Take the first step.
I urge you to embrace your moments of stillness. They may come in peace or struggle. Use them to reflect on your life.
Don’t wait until you’ve hit rock bottom to ask the hard questions. Take time to reflect on who you are, where you’re heading, and what changes you can make to live a more authentic, fulfilling life.
Next Step
If you’re struggling with where you are right now, take a moment today to pause and reflect. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? How can I use this to grow?” Embrace the power of self-awareness and start taking small, meaningful steps toward a better future.
Take it from somebody who has been there—small steps do lead to big changes.
So, go grab yourself a pen and paper and begin reflecting, reframing, and moving that millimeter in another direction. You’ll be amazed at how much your life will transform.
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How to Ease Pain and Anxiety Through Meditation
“If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. You want change, make some.” ~Courtney C. Stevens
If someone looked at my life when I was younger, they would think that I had it all together. I went to college to obtain my bachelor’s in psychology and social work, followed by my master’s in social work. I have always had good friendships and family relationships. I traveled regularly. I was and still am young and living my life. Little would they know that so much was brewing inside…
The perfect storm of overachieving, perfectionism, stress, and anxiety was brewing until I developed chronic pelvic pain in college.
As an overachiever, I had all of my homework and essays done a week before they were due because if I waited until the last minute, my anxiety would be higher than it already was. I always wrote more pages for my assignments than I needed to. I studied more than I needed to. I always did the most.
As a perfectionist, I bawled my eyes out when I got my first 88% in my child development class. I bawled my eyes out when I got a 20 on my ACT, thinking that I wouldn’t even get into college with that score.
Anxiety. I was a tight ball of anxiety. Always worrying, anxious, and catastrophizing, with whole-body muscle tension, trouble sleeping, and intense restlessness.
A perfect storm.
After graduating from my master’s program, I started working in community mental health in order to obtain my 3,000 clinical hours for my clinical social worker license.
This whole time I was going from doctor to doctor, trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I was looking for every solution under the sun. I finally found one after working at my first job for about a year. I was so burned out, anxious, and in pain that I took a sabbatical and went to California.
There was a clinic in California that specialized in chronic pelvic pain and anxiety. I thought, “Finally, a place that can help me.”
This is how my meditation journey started. A journey that I now can say changed my life. I do not know where I would be without this powerful practice.
Let me paint the picture of what the clinic looked like for you. I was in a room of about eight to ten fellow anxiety and chronic pelvic pain sufferers lying down in what looked like sleeping bags, tucked in like caterpillars in cocoons.
The psychologist at the clinic started to teach us how to meditate.
He started doing a guided meditation without a script and told us to focus on the feeling of “sinking” when we exhaled, the “ahhhh” feeling. Can you imagine how hard that would be if your anxiety and pain were off the charts?
After what felt like thirty seconds of this exercise, my first thought was, “WE ARE DONE, RIGHT??? That’s all for today. Time to go!!” Being someone who was a tight ball of anxiety, with a million thoughts running through my mind, and lying there in excruciating pain, it felt like torture. I thought I was going to explode.
The worst part was that he kept going. I do not remember how long the meditation lasted. It felt like it lasted for twelve hours when in reality we may have done ten to twenty minutes. Throughout the rest of the clinic, we kept repeating this guided meditation, and it honestly kept feeling awful.
Through dedication and practice, it took me a year and a half, twice a day every day, to be able to do that guided meditation for forty-five minutes. I can say now that the practice of meditation saved my life and dramatically calmed down my nervous system and anxiety.
Here are the lessons that I learned throughout my meditation journey.
1. Start small.
When you want to start something new or create a new habit, start small. Starting big is overwhelming; starting small feels more manageable.
When I first started to meditate, I began with a couple of minutes and worked my way up. After a couple of months, I was able to do ten minutes, then fifteen minutes, then twenty minutes, and so on, until I could meditate for forty-five minutes and it felt like only fifteen minutes went by.
Be compassionate with yourself if it takes a while to be able to master those first couple of minutes. Meditation is difficult when you are first starting out, as is anything you are trying in the beginning. Give yourself the grace to be a beginner, knowing that you are engaging in a powerful practice, and that already is enough.
After putting in the work for over a year and a half, I felt calmer and more present, more able to notice my thoughts without holding onto them, and better able to sit with the sensations in my body with ease.
2. Long-lasting consistency is key for any change you want to make in life.
Trust me, I struggled with consistency for a very long time. I would try out something new for three to four days, and after that time, I would say, “Oh, well, this doesn’t work” and stop doing the thing. I didn’t give the technique time for it to work.
I realized that was the part of me that was impatient and wanted instant gratification and results. I would always tell clients that I worked with, “Trust me, if I had a magic pill that would take away all of your problems, I would give you one and then myself one. Then I would live on a private island and have my own personal dolphin to play with.” Wouldn’t that be cool if life worked that way?
This was a cycle for me that lasted a very long time. It takes a little over two months to create a habit. Once I started to see the effects of meditation, I made sure to make it a daily lifestyle habit, something that I do for my physical and mental health.
3. Change is uncomfortable. Meditation was and still is comfortable.
Change sucks. Learning something new sucks. I also learned that in that moment, I could do something that was going to be hard and in the end be helpful, or I could stay stuck. I had a choice, and I knew that I could not stay stuck in super high levels of anxiety and chronic pain. I knew something needed to change despite feeling uncomfortable.
“Life is the difference between what hurts and what hurts more.” ~Nicole Sachs, LCSW.
Meditation was SO uncomfortable in the beginning. My brain felt like a game of ping pong with so many thoughts and sensations going on in my body. I had a really hard time focusing on the sinking feeling of my body during meditation because I became distracted with anxious thoughts and pain. Over time, it became easier until I was able to just focus on the sinking sensation or my breath. As with anything in life, practice makes progress.
I do not meditate for forty-five minutes anymore. I use the Calm app and do the daily meditation for ten minutes. There are days that focusing on my breath is still challenging because of anxiety, pain, or the thoughts running through my mind.
As with life, there are moments where days are harder and easier. What has helped me is to accept whatever is happening in the moment, which also takes practice. I have created compassion for myself when meditation feels harder for me. No judgment. I am human.
4. You cannot run away from your mind and body.
What I learned from my meditation practice is that you cannot run away from what is happening inside your mind and body. Your mind and body will keep giving you a thought or sensation until you are fully able to sit with it and accept it in the moment rather than sweeping it under the rug because it feels uncomfortable or scary.
It is uncomfortable and scary. By running away from it, it’s also reinforcing the pattern and showing your brain and nervous system that the thought or sensation in your body is a threat.
During my meditation practice, I had to sit with whatever was happening in my body: intense pain, tightness in my chest, queasiness in my stomach, “what if” thoughts in my mind, tightness in areas of my body—you name it. I had to feel all of it.
At first, I hated it and it was terrible, but then it became easier. I had to learn to accept my body and its protection, because that is what it was doing. That acceptance turned into compassion, which turned into reduced symptoms.
Your body and brain will keep giving you symptoms until you have processed them, accepted them, and turned off the danger signals.
As with anything that you do, it will get easier with time and practice!
I want to add a caveat that if you are having chronic pain, please consult a medical professional to rule out anything structurally happening with your body. I had every test and scan done under the sun, and my body was and still is normal, physically. Also, with anxiety, if you need support, there are many wonderful places to receive it, whether through therapy or online forums.
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5 Lessons About Change I Learned from Moving to a New City
“You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control how you deal with it.” ~Unknown
I recently moved to Florida, a decision thirty years in the making.
Growing up in Haiti, I always longed to return to a warm climate. I remember being on our layover in Miami when we first moved to the States and thinking, “Why don’t we just stay here?” Moving to Boston at ten, the cold rain was a shock, and I’ve been dreaming of Florida ever since.
Here’s the thing about dreams—they take time, and life sometimes gets in the way. I stayed in Boston for college, built a career, and raised my daughter, and every time I thought about making the move south, something else needed my attention.
When my daughter graduated from high school, I felt the time was right. So I handed in my resignation, let our landlord know that we would be moving out, and started planning our move to Florida.
You might be wondering, “Did you really move just for the sunshine and palm trees?” Well, yes and no. Those are wonderful (especially after decades of Boston winters!), but the truth is, it goes much deeper. It’s about finding a sense of belonging and reclaiming a piece of myself that I felt I lost along the way, reconnecting with the warmth that reminds me of my childhood in Haiti.
Leaving Boston wasn’t easy. The friends, the routines, the community—I had built a life there. It was a terrifying decision. There were nights I lay awake wrestling with doubt, but deep down, I felt it was right.
Reflecting on the move, here are five lessons it taught me, which I hope you can relate to.
Lesson 1: Embrace the unknown.
The fear of the unknown is usually one of the most daunting parts of any major life transition. And for me, moving to Florida was no different. I had to leave behind everything familiar to enter a world of uncertainty.
I spent thirty years building a comfortable life in Boston. But comfort can be a double-edged sword—it can keep you from exploring and from finding new parts of yourself.
During one of my first morning walks in Florida, I noticed how different everything felt—the air was warmer, the pace rather slow, and the faces were all unfamiliar. It hit me then: I was truly starting over.
But it also reminded me of when I first moved to Boston from Haiti as a child and how different everything felt back then. Just as I adapted then, I knew I could do it again.
Yes, the unknown can be scary, but growth happens when you embrace it—when you open yourself up to new experiences, people, and places.
You have to be willing to explore, to try new things, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Lesson 2: Plans don’t always work out.
I’m a big-time planner. I love having everything mapped out, knowing exactly what’s going to happen and when. So, before our move, we knew where we were going to live, what college our daughter would attend, and how we would adjust to the new city.
But life had other plans.
We faced unexpected challenges—delays, changes in schedules, and problems we didn’t see coming.
For example, right before our move, the moving company that had agreed to transport our belongings, cancelled at the last minute. I remember standing in the middle of our packed-up living room, filled with hundreds of packed boxes, and feeling utterly overwhelmed. How could something so important go so wrong at the last minute?
In the end, we scrambled to find an alternative. When we finally did, the new company was delayed by several days, leaving us in limbo with everything packed but nowhere to go.
So here is the thing—no matter how perfectly you plan, life has a way of throwing you curveballs. I had to accept that plans don’t always work out and that being adaptable is what really gets you through when things don’t go as expected.
Lesson 3: People handle change differently.
One thing I have learned about change is that everyone experiences it differently. We each have our own perspectives and our own ways of processing and reacting to what’s happening around us.
My daughter was a bundle of nerves and excitement, stepping tentatively into adulthood, balancing her part-time job with college orientations and a whole new social scene. My husband, usually the rock, struggled to adapt to our new surroundings and missed his after-work routines and his usual grocery store.
As for me, I was managing the logistics and emotional toll of the move, trying to keep everything on track—all while running a business still in its foundational stages.
What worked for us? Regularly checking in with each other.
It was powerful to ask—and really listen—about each other’s well-being and how each of us was dealing with this move. Taking the time to understand and connect with each other made all the difference.
Lesson 4: Find your anchors.
Amidst all the uncertainty and chaos that comes with a big life transition, finding things that ground you (I call these anchors) becomes your lifeline. These can be routines, habits, or places that give you a sense of stability when everything else is in flux.
For me, journaling has become that sacred anchor. It’s my time to slow down, be present, and listen to myself. Every morning, I grab my journal and simply ask:
“What am I feeling right now?”
This one question opens up so much for me. It’s not just writing things down—it’s about connecting deeply with myself. It helps me embrace all the newness here in Florida, from the excitement of fresh starts to the occasional twinge of missing what I’ve left behind.
Lesson 5: Don’t forget to laugh.
Mistakes happen, especially during a big move.
Like the time we realized we had packed essential items in the wrong boxes. We tore through boxes at midnight, finding only kitchen utensils and winter coats. We ended up using towels as makeshift pillows.
We were stressed, tired, and frustrated beyond belief. But then we laughed about it.
In moments of frustration, finding something to laugh about can shift your perspective and remind you that even in the most chaotic times, there are moments of joy and connection.
Take a moment to think about these points.
- How do you handle change? Do you find yourself trying to control every aspect, getting frustrated, or using humor to cope?
- What unexpected changes have you faced recently? How did you adapt, and what did you learn about yourself in the process?
- How do you support the people around you at times of change? Remember, you’re not the only one experiencing change; those around you are, too.
Change is inevitable, but how we handle it defines our journey. Embrace the unknown, support each other, and don’t forget to laugh along the way.
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How to Turn Shame into Self-Love and Emotional Resilience
“The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.” ~Brené Brown
The pain and suffering I experienced as a child, which I kept hidden for over a decade, was the very seed that gave me the strength, resilience, empathy, authenticity, and courage that I possess today—but only because I surrendered the old story to embrace a new one. I alchemized my pain into my fuel, my traumas as contributions to my triumphs, and my curses into my greatest blessings.
But all of this came with a very hefty price.
Growing up with a single mother who worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table and with an estranged, abusive father who robbed me of my innocence and self-worth taught me that life’s odds were against me. This shaped my identity.
I believed I couldn’t rely on or be safe around men and that a scarce number of resources were available for me. The abuse plunged me into a world where I felt I wasn’t good enough to be loved, heard, or seen, or to have the shiny life that the “Jones’s” had.
Over the next decade, this led me down a long, windy path of reckless rebellion. It wasn’t safe to be home, and it wasn’t safe to be in my own body, so I found outlets to continually check out from reality because, back then, reality sucked most of the time.
I had no concept or actual experience of life having consequences besides being grounded occasionally. While my mother was doing her best to keep the lights on, and without a healthy masculine role model at home, nothing was slowing my self-sabotage down, or so I thought…
Then one spring day, life came crashing down, and sheer chaos unfolded, all in a flash. A careless moment brought unspeakable chaos. It shattered families, a community, and life as I knew it—my friends, my identity, my safety, my privacy, and what little dignity I had left.
This was the first time I faced real-life consequences, not from my parents but now from a judge. I was forced to be sober and sit with all my demons. For countless reasons, this was one of my life’s scariest moments. It was a time when I was constantly living in flight-or-fight, hating myself and fearing my own existence.
Little did I know this hell would be my chrysalis of transformation.
It was the first time I had no choice but to face what I had been running from. I was forced to stop pretending and face the truth.
To my surprise, it was only when I had to dig deep into the dark, sticky, monstrous shadow within myself and sit in the excruciating truths that I found what I unknowingly wanted all along—to be accepted and feel worthy. But not the outside acceptance of validation and popularity. I’m talking about the internal acceptance of what I had been through. Realizing that I am still lovable, worthy, bright, and beautiful, even with the shameful experience of being abused and all the hurt I had caused thereafter.
As this process of healing and transformation unfolded over many years, I learned this: shame cannot live where there is truth.
When we either hit rock bottom or make the courageous choice to turn inward and face the parts of ourselves that we have denied, abandoned, sabotaged, ignored, or hidden, it is, in fact, the same place where we find inner peace and power.
This is the most profound paradox of life. The darkness we avoid is precisely where the miracles and healing wait for us.
So, although I was, as some may say, dealt a crappy hand with a traumatic start to life, it was the fertile soil I needed to grow.
Here, I found my voice and learned the wild lesson of how hiding is much more painful than being seen. OMG, if I could scream that from every rooftop for everyone to hear, I would! So this is me shouting and sharing, not as a concept but as a lived experience.
When we lean into making our hardest trials into our greatest attributes, it creates deep internal strength and emotional resilience. It allows us to have a new perspective on what actually matters, enabling us to let trivial things roll off our backs.
Life is going to have its challenges, and it’s inevitably going to give us uncomfortable experiences. So, the question is, which discomfort do you want to live with? The discomfort of hiding your truth, staying in self-sabotage, and being a victim of your past, or the one of growth, courage, authenticity, and writing your new story?
If you’re ready for the latter, here is my advice within four practices to ultimately create unshakeable self-love, emotional resilience, and the fearlessness to be seen for who you truly are.
1. Share your shame.
It is critical to find a trusted person (or people) to share your shame with.
When I began sharing, it was first with my brother, my best friend, and then my therapist.
When you hold on to the shame, it festers. This often leads to chronic feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, which can turn into self-sabotage and destructive behaviors of self-harm and addiction.
Shame also creates barriers in relationships because it often comes with a fear of vulnerability and being seen with flaws, which often leads to blaming others and being defensive, and in extreme cases, turns into abusive and toxic behaviors.
Another way shame shows up is in a professional setting, contributing to imposter syndrome, lack of confidence, and feeling unworthy of success or accomplishment. Overall, holding onto shame can significantly reduce our quality of life, both personally and professionally.
As I shared earlier, shame cannot live where there is truth because when you shed the light of truth onto the pain, it no longer carries its power over you; it dissolves. It turns from something to hide into a wish for something better.
When you share with a trusted person, you get to experience being seen, heard, and accepted and feeling that you are still worthy of love.
2. Seek discomfort.
Yes, seek it. You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone.
I first began to do this by sharing my shame, as I mentioned above. I know how excruciatingly uncomfortable it is to share a deep, dark, shameful secret for the first time. It nearly brings me to tears as I write this, because I still remember what it was like. But, speaking from experience, the thought of it is way more terrifying than doing it. I promise that when you do it with that trusted person, you will feel so relieved.
I also sought out discomfort through embodiment practices like yoga. In the beginning, this was very foreign to me because I was so used to being disconnected from my body, but as time went on, I became obsessed with yoga and got certified as a teacher!
Lastly, when I was sober from all substances for five years, this was the first time I truly felt the sadness, guilt, confusion, and shame that I carried for over a decade because of the abuse from my father. Talk about discomfort!
Resiliency and inner strength are not created in your comfort bubble. When you step into new experiences that stretch what you already know about yourself, it not only expands your capacity to be vulnerable, but it also empowers you in new and profound ways.
3. Be authentic.
There’s nothing more diminishing to the soul than not being who you truly are, whatever that means for you at this stage in your life. Authenticity breeds authenticity. It is contagious. When people feel you are authentic, it takes the pressure off them to pretend and invites them to let their guard down and be authentic, too. It’s a win/win!
If you have a hard time being authentic because you fear rejection or judgment, then keep reading because what I’m about to tell you is a hard truth and requires a dose of tough love.
If your family, friends, co-workers, partner, followers, or whomever rejects you for being truly, authentically you, then they are not meant for you! The world needs your authentic expression. This life is too short and too precious to waste not being your most brave, wild authentic self!
And as far as judgment goes, another truth bomb here: People are going to judge you no matter what! Literally screaming this in my head as I type. Seriously though, whichever path you pick, people will judge—so you might as well be judged for being you.
Practice being authentic in a small, low-risk situation first. For example, say no to something that doesn’t align with your values, even if it’s something minor, or wear an outfit that feels more “you,” even if it’s outside your usual style.
4. Let yourself be seen.
As I mentioned earlier, hiding is much more painful than being seen. Being seen goes hand in hand with self-acceptance. The more you accept yourself, flaws and all, the more willing you are to be seen. And the more willing you are to be seen, the more you will accept yourself! It is a mirror that shows you how you feel internally. When you allow yourself to be seen for who you are, you disarm other people’s judgments because you have created confidence and embraced yourself.
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If you’re going through hardship now, or the next time life gives you a disguised blessing, come back to these steps. They were not only my saving light in the darkness, but they are also proven tools for creating resilience and living empowered.
I could have stayed in my destructive behavior, but I chose to lean in when I was at the scariest point of my life because I knew deep down there was something better for me on the other side.
Remember, we all have crappy hands dealt to us at times, but in the end, it’s how we play our hand that matters most.
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How I Created a Beautiful Life on the Other Side of Burnout
“If you don’t give your mind and body a break, you’ll break. Stop pushing yourself through pain and exhaustion and take care of your needs.” ~Lori Deschene
For forty-five minutes, I lay on my yoga mat in child’s pose, unable to move.
The exhaustion in my body felt like a thousand kilos, and the ache of failure pricked my eyes with tears.
Despite all my early morning runs, after-work bootcamps, and restricted meals, my body did not look like the bikini models I saw on Instagram.
Despite all my energy, efforts, and attention, my romantic relationship had fallen apart. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he didn’t love me anymore, and I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong.
Despite my long working hours and high levels of stress, my boss didn’t recognize me, and I had to face the fact that I just wasn’t the talented designer I was trying so hard to be.
As I wallowed in my failure and the heartbreak of ‘not enough,’ I felt my body pleading with me.
“Why don’t you love me?” she asked. “Why do you push me so hard? Why is it NEVER enough?”
I was taken aback, as it was the first time I heard this voice, and it was full of the pain of rejection.
In that moment, I realized that everything I had been pushing for had been sending the message that I was ultimately unacceptable as I was. I needed to change or be different in order to be loved, valued, and successful.
The harder I tried to be perfect, to achieve, to prove my worth, the more exhausted, broken, and small I felt. By desperately trying to win other people’s approval, I was actually rejecting and abandoning myself.
This realization flooded me with grief. What had I done to myself???
Since this was clearly not working, I made a decision that changed my life.
“Okay,” I said to my body. “We’re going to do things differently.”
“From now on, I’m going to listen to you,” I promised. “We are going to do this TOGETHER.”
As soon as I made this commitment, I felt my body exhale with relief. She had been waiting for this moment my whole life.
In the months that followed, I left my job, I left my friendships, and I left the home my ex and I had built together.
I found refuge on my parents’ couch with severe burnout. After years of pushing, my body had finally collapsed.
My body struggled to walk to the end of the street. Being in a store was so overly stimulating that I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep for months. I had severe stomach pains and terrible migraines, and I couldn’t think straight. My heart was broken. I felt like my life was over.
It was physically excruciating. It was emotionally devastating. It was the biggest blessing.
My body was giving me the chance to start again.
The thing about burnout is that you can never go back to how you were living before. That way was clearly not working: the lifestyle, the thought patterns, the identity, the environments—it was not serving you.
Burnout burns it all to the ground and forces you to start over.
My identity used to be a “hardworking, people-pleasing perfectionist addicted to external validation.” If I hadn’t done the inner work to let go of that pattern and completely rewire my identity, I would have ended up straight back in burnout just a few years later (which is, sadly, something that happens to others).
Trust me, burnout is not something you want to repeat. I promised myself I would NEVER end up in that situation again.
During my healing journey, I focused on building a relationship with myself and my body. Not one where I commanded and pushed my body, but one where I regularly checked in with her, learned to listen to her, and respectfully honored her needs.
Every morning, I sat on my meditation cushion and took time to go within.
What was I feeling?
How was I speaking to myself?
Where was I judging myself?
What did my body need from me that day?
My burnout took two years, almost three, to recover from fully. To say I felt impatient to feel “normal” again is an understatement.
Any time I felt frustration toward my body, I quickly shifted my attitude to compassion and gratitude, recognizing that my body had been through hell and was doing her best to recharge back to optimal health. My impatience was only adding more stress that, honestly, she didn’t need to deal with.
It was in this way that I learned to love myself, as I was, without all the labels of achievement. Burnout had stripped away everything I had worked so hard for—my career, my relationships, my physique, my home. I had to learn to truly love myself without the badge of productivity.
Through this loving commitment, my body guided me on how to live a life that was right for me.
I found I was a Human Design Projector, which is an intuitive guide who needs to manage their energy to stay happy and healthy in this hectic productive-obsessed world. I adjusted my schedule based on my energetic rhythms to include more rest and play in my day (which, admittedly, was not easy at first with my workaholic tendencies, but now I can’t imagine any other way).
Creating more space allowed me to find my soul’s purpose in teaching others how to connect to their bodies, love themselves unconditionally, and create successful lives in a sustainable way. I created a business based on what I love to do, began coaching women, and held retreats all over the world—without the extreme hustle I had been used to.
All the pressure to shrink down was gone. Instead of counting calories and pushing my body to the extreme, I focused on nutrition and movement that felt good. I didn’t care if my cellulite was showing or what people thought of the outfits I chose. The space that this opened up in my mind after years of obsession was the most freeing thing ever.
Learning to love my body changed my entire approach to life. It made me aware of my boundaries for the first time and helped me to create balanced relationships that felt truly fulfilling.
I went from overworking in a job I hated and over-giving in terrible relationships to running a purpose-led business where I get paid to be myself and surrounding myself with truly supportive people.
All because my body pulled the breaks on my old life and made me change direction. She showed me there was a more sustainable, more joyful, and more aligned way to make my dreams come true.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
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5 Pillars of Mindful Awareness That Transformed My Life
“When things change inside of you, things change around you.” ~Unknown
When I was twenty-three, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was not until two years later, when I stopped taking medication, that I discovered I had a mental health disorder linked to my menstrual cycles.
Meditating daily has been foundational for my well-being. It helps me manage the physical expressions of anxiety and bad moods. It allows me to be more accepting of myself and grateful for the many positives in my life.
But it is the awareness journey that mindfulness has paved over these last seven years that has reached so many different corners of my life.
The awareness I developed from regular practice seeps into my life as a positive multiplier, pushing further progress in emotional regulation and health. It inspired me to start journaling daily. It encouraged me to face myself, my fears, and my choices.
With awareness comes meaningful change. I completely pivoted my life, walking away from my career in the investment industry to prioritize things that I discovered I valued the most.
This is just one transformation that has come from developing different types of awareness. Together, these form the pillars of a healthy, fruitful relationship with myself and the world around me.
Everybody’s awareness journey will be different; you cannot know where yours will lead. But in case it helps with your reflection and journey, I am sharing the questions I faced on mine.
Awareness of Emotions: Taking Back Control from the Unconscious
Mindfulness practice revealed how much my emotions had a hold over me. I previously saw no separation between myself and my emotions. I let them convince me of things that weren’t true and lead my decisions.
But now my relationship with my emotions has transformed from one of “I am this feeling” to “this feeling is happening to me.”
Awareness of feelings reveals some key things. Firstly, emotions are temporary. Secondly, many emotions come from an instinctive, animalistic part of us, cropping up to protect us. This means they can often impact our perceptions and rationality.
Emotions are there to serve us, as is our stress reaction. But we must recognize these bodily reactions for what they are—processes that need completing. Stress and negative emotions are often linked to significant health problems, but the power to minimize their impacts is within our reach.
With awareness, I recognize my changing views, desires to act, and needs to service all the different parts of myself. The latter includes the person I am at my core, the part that houses my rationality and values. Quick, emotional reactions do not tend to represent this part.
At first, it was difficult to accept all the parts of myself that awareness uncovers. But it paved the way for enhanced emotional regulation and management. I now know how to take the messages my emotions are trying to send me, feel them, settle them, and act in a way that represents all parts.
When we do this, we change unconscious reactions, led by emotions, to conscious responses. It’s okay if we still have racing thoughts; it’s how we act that matters. We take back ownership of our lives from our emotions by making constructive choices.
Reflecting on your emotions:
- Can I name my emotions and the feelings toward the events or people involved?
- How did the desire to react manifest?
- Why might I feel this way, and what are my needs?
- Does this point to any unhealed pain, fears, or insecurities?
- How did my feelings and perceptions change, and what contributed to this?
- Which thoughts are supported by evidence, and where do I need more clarity?
Awareness of Capacity: Getting the Best Out of Myself
When we are not feeling like our best selves, we naturally blame our circumstances or problems. We often completely overlook how much our inner space influences our feelings, our functioning, and what we get out of the world.
By paying attention, I discovered how so much inside of me is always changing. My motivation, my energy, and my physiology change across the month. Patterns started to appear—times when my self-doubt and limiting beliefs were louder, or when my cognitive or physical strength were weaker.
Some things cycle naturally. Some are heavily influenced by “too much of this” or “too little of that.” I see the links between physical factors, mindset, and progress.
You can consume all the motivational quotes about success and personal growth out there, but if you do not prioritize your health, you are setting out on the wrong foot.
Intuitively, we function best when we look after ourselves. We are most confident when we can recognize our self-doubt for what it is.
With awareness, I can identify and meet my needs. Whether that be self-compassion practice when my self-doubt is loud or fueling my brain when it feels slow. I also match activities to when they best suit my capacity, working with myself instead of beating myself up.
Reflection questions for awareness of capacity:
- When do I feel most energized, motivated, creative, focused, and confident?
- What are my motivation and energy killers and boosters?
- When do I find it easiest to make decisions?
- Which activities work best for when my brain feels slow, my body feels weak, or my social capacity is low?
Here are some things to consider: sleep, nutrition, movement, connection with nature, time with loved ones, stress management, and downtime.
Awareness in Relationships: Finding Peace and Improving Connections
Reflecting on some past relationships, it often feels like I wasn’t a part of them at all. Driven by unconscious reactions and people-pleasing, they hardly felt authentic, and this really limited their richness.
We can learn a lot about ourselves from our approach to relationships. Our deepest traumas manifest in our triggers. Our actions are mostly driven by our fears and insecurities, often underpinned by the need for validation and fear of rejection.
Once we deal with these at the root and take back our life from our emotions, we enter a new space. Challenges with other people stop becoming reasons to walk away or make an enemy, but instead become opportunities to build something stronger. Or at least they give us a chance to act more authentically.
Awareness of my own changing feelings, needs, and typical behaviors provides a level of empathy that is nothing less than superhuman.
Known as a main ingredient for successful relationships, empathy is the understanding and patience we need to lovingly consider things from another’s perspective. Most of the time, everybody is trying their best to navigate the world and their relationships, acting in ways they’ve learned from their experiences rather than out of selfishness.
Boundaries are still key when there is a misalignment of standards and values. But empathizing is useful for finding acceptance where needed. Where alignment exists, empathy is the tool that helps relationships grow and enriches connections.
Reflecting on relationships:
- What are my values, wants, needs, and expectations, and do I know where they come from?
- Do I approach things authentically, or do I have ulterior motives?
- What challenges do I often face in relationships, and what is my approach usually?
- What assumptions do I make about how others should behave?
- Do these answers reveal areas of required self-work?
Awareness for Connection: Feeling Present in the World
Becoming aware and being present are one and the same thing. When we practice mindfulness, we pay attention to the present moment. Mindfulness isn’t just about cultivating self-awareness; we also train our brains to be aware of everything around us.
Before my awareness journey, I lived in my head. Mulling over events, worrying about things that could be, and constructing scenarios, I took attention away from everything around me.
With mindfulness practice, you transform your relationship with your thoughts, just like you do with your emotions. You realize thoughts are just thoughts, and you don’t have to get so wrapped up in them. They become much easier to let go, and with time, your mind can become quieter.
When we practice being present, we train ourselves to notice the little things around us. I hear the birds in the morning. I feel the wind against my skin. I see the pattern on the tie of the person sitting opposite me.
Awareness of the world is connection to the world. And it is connection that ultimately helps us feel mentally well. This kind of awareness gives us the sense of grounding we need to get out of our heads and feel alive in the world.
Maximizing external awareness:
- Practice awareness of sounds, sensations, and smells during meditation.
- Take mindful moments during the day for a few deep breaths.
- Get out into nature.
- Make activities mindful by engaging the senses. What can I see, hear, smell, and feel?
Awareness of Living: Leading an Intentional Life
Previously, I worked toward other people’s ideas of success and things I thought I “should” have or do. And I know I’m not alone.
Again, fear underpins a lot of our motives, as we dread being judged or not accepted. We often prioritize conforming over doing things that are meaningful to us personally. We lack self-compassion, compare ourselves to others, and find it hard to say no.
Intentional living starts with really understanding why we want the things we want and do or don’t do certain things. Then we can take ownership of our life direction and make choices in line with our values, not what we feel is expected of us.
With awareness, we can trust that any consequences of living authentically are insignificant compared to the benefits.
It is totally possible to go through life passively, going with whatever is presented to us. It is easy to pick up short-term pleasures and continually get sucked into the moment. But if we do this, we will always be haunted by a sense of unfulfillment.
Awareness shines a light on passive living and encourages us to enjoy the present while making decisions for the long term.
Reflecting on your approach to life:
- Why do I want the things I want?
- Am I measuring progress by comparing myself to others?
- What is meaningful to me, and what are my values?
- Which parts of my life lack alignment to these?
- What do I think is expected of me, and how can I deal with these pressures?
- When did I last make active decisions or changes for alignment in my life?
Your Awareness Journey
Ultimately, this is a journey that will never end. We are constantly changing, and life around us is forever moving, so there will always be a need for reflection. You might become great at recognizing your feelings and staying present, but it will still be something you should practice to maintain.
When we accept that, like our mental well-being, awareness is not a destination, we can enjoy continually managing life rather than redundantly wishing for things to be different.
With awareness, life becomes an art. Regardless of what it throws at you, you have a powerful tool to navigate and make something out of it.
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How I Changed My Life by Becoming a Thought Snob
“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world. ~Wayne Dyer
Driving home from another visit to the pediatrician, Mother reiterated how puny I was: “You’re just like Mommy. She was so frail. You get sick easily.” I’d say I was five years old when I wholeheartedly accepted this hogwash as fact. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you I stayed sick for three decades because I truly believed I was prone to illness.
I come from a long line of women who never got what they wanted. They settled, conformed, and were submissive to their male spouses. I recall when I was probably eight and witnessed a heated knock-down drag-out between my parents.
Those fights used to scare me, and I always ended up resenting my father because my mother was no match for him physically or intellectually. As she cleaned up the black mascara that had bled underneath her eyes, she told me something that ended up shaping my relationships with men.
“Paula, if you care about a man, he’ll treat you like dirt beneath his feet.”
And just like that, my perspective of men and where I stood with them was ill-fated. My teenage and adult relationships with men mirrored that belief that I accepted as fact when I was still getting bad perms. The bad perms were evidential proof that my brain wasn’t fully developed, so I was far too young to accept any beliefs as facts.
Let’s flash forward a few years to when my father decided he was too much of a man for one woman. I was eighteen when my parents divorced. Two new women entered and filled our shoes one week after Mother and I left the brick-and-mortar institution we had called home.
My father had taken on a girlfriend who had a daughter. The daughter set up shop in my bedroom and quickly adapted to answering to my nickname, “Little One.” I felt like I had been replaced because I had been. Very brutally and in true narcissistic form.
At eighteen, I wasn’t equipped with the emotional intelligence of Mother Teresa, so I blamed myself for not being lovable, a subconscious belief that controlled my behaviors for the next twelve to thirteen years.
During that time, I went from a size six to sixteen, bought property in Hell on Earth, and dated a drug-addicted criminal with multiple personalities, a mentally ill redneck who self-medicated, and a sex-addicted politician who had five out of the nine defining narcissistic traits. Believing I was unlovable created a string of unlovable experiences.
At thirty, I realized I had experienced more heartache than love, and I was sick of living a life that wasn’t worth living.
A couple of years prior, I was introduced to Dr. Wayne Dyer and was evaluating why my life looked the way it did. One day, I heard Dr. Dyer say something that changed the trajectory of my life: “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.”
Holy shit. That’s when I put two and two together and realized I had been a victim of a downbringing, but that didn’t mean I had to stay a victim. Downbringing is a word I created to describe a socialization that taught me how to live in havoc instead of happiness.
You might be wondering, “Well, Paula, what defines a downbringing versus an upbringing?”
A downbringing happens when a young person accepts the subjective opinions (aka lies) of the people who influence them most without questioning or awareness of what is actually true (aka objective). In turn, the subjective beliefs creep into their subconscious minds and control their behaviors before they even realize what has happened. After many years, their mind is like a landfill because they have allowed any thought to live there rent-free.
Using myself to demonstrate what a downbringing does to the mind, here is an overview of my belief systems during the first three decades of my life:
- Women getting abused by men was normal.
- Backstabbing friends and family members was normal.
- Anyone who looked different than me was of lesser importance.
- People are born lucky or unlucky, and no one has control over that.
- I was more susceptible to sickness than others, and there wasn’t anything I could do about that.
- Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol was normal.
- There was one way to make money, so I had to take any job I could find, whether I liked it or not.
- Women aren’t capable of making as much money as men.
- Everyone was better than me.
- It was wrong to want more. Wanting more meant I was a stuck-up snob.
- Jealousy is a healthy response to anyone who looks better or has more.
- Anger is totally acceptable in any situation when someone presents opposing beliefs.
- The amount of money someone has makes them superior, and they earn the right to control people who have fewer material assets.
I can keep going, but I think this list is the perfect Polaroid. Notice that what I stated about wanting more meant I was a stuck-up snob. There was something that was said to me repeatedly when I was still getting bad perms and on up until I was in my thirties.
Whenever I mentioned wanting a better life, I was told I was getting above my raising. If I mentioned admiring someone who was wealthy, highly educated, or beautiful, I was quickly shot down with that statement, usually with a belly laugh from the person who said it.
Have you ever been around someone who always found a way to humiliate the living daylights out of you? I have. I was raised by a man who used humiliation as a disciplinary tool, and he loved to pull that tool out of his pocket and use it strategically, especially when he had an audience.
For many years, I stopped vocalizing my big dreams out of fear that he would embarrass me with a cruel, disempowering lie (aka subjective opinion), but one day, I responded differently to his humiliation tactics. This was a few years into my personal growth evolution, and I had figured out the key to living the best life possible. I wasn’t quite there yet, but I had figured it out and was heading toward a better life at the speed of an Amtrak train.
He was intimidated by that because he could no longer intimidate me. On this day, he told me I was getting above my raising, and I loudly said, “God, I hope so.” His eyes got as big as two cannonballs, and at that moment, I transitioned from a thought slob to a thought snob.
As I write this article, I am forty-seven. I have spent the last twenty years living the opposite of how I was taught to live. And guess what?
I’m not frail at all. As a matter of fact, not only am I in optimal health, but I am also asymptomatic from a rare bladder condition called interstitial cystitis that is supposedly incurable. There’s more.
My husband is the kindest, most supportive person I’ve ever known. I walked away from an employer who wanted to own my soul for a couple of bucks and thrived in my female-owned business. As it turns out, the people I was jealous of ended up being my greatest teachers because it was those people that I admired.
If I continued behaving like a thought slob, accepting everyone’s opinions as absolute truths, something irreversible would have happened. This inner knowing caused me to pivot from my long, fruitful career in fundraising to helping people overcome a downbringing. While I worked to figure out this career change, I reflected on my past, and the core memories that surfaced made me realize two things.
1. Young Paula’s mindset was rooted in self-loathing, and that blocked the better life I wanted.
2. My self-loathing was the outcome of accepting the subjective opinions of others as facts.
“Whoa,” I thought. “How simple yet so complex.”
When I analyzed every aspect of my past existence, one word came to mind: slob. Physically speaking, I didn’t look like the stereotypical definition of a slob because I was very well put together and had excellent personal hygiene; however, I had neglected my brain hygiene for almost thirty years. It was corroded with filthy thoughts that nearly destroyed my life.
“So, if I used to be a slob, what am I now?” As I thought through that, I came to the conclusion that what I had always wanted was better, but instead, I chose self-loathing because of how I viewed the world and my role in it. My newfound awareness led to the creation of two acronyms:
- SLOB – Self-Loathing Overrides Better
- SNOB – See New Objective Beliefs
BAM! There it was—the perfect way to describe my transformation—from Thought Slob to Thought Snob. I had officially gotten above my raising.
Awareness is the foundation of all change. When I started behaving with mindful awareness, I was able to interrupt thoughts that would turn into some crazy, scary story.
Here is an example of how I used my Thought Snob method to reprogram my subconscious mind and train my brain to migrate away from negativity bias and toward thoughts and feelings that lifted me up instead of bringing me down.
Before I met my husband, I had been alone for quite some time, healing from the tormented relationships I had tolerated and endured. During that time, I thought about what I had been taught as a child. Caring about a man is equated to being treated poorly.
My awakening came from asking one question: Is this true? Always? Do all men treat women badly? Are all women punished for loving a man? The answer to all of these questions was a hard “NO!”
I am telling you the moment I started viewing my life objectively (aka, looking at the facts), everything changed. I moved out of the hostile world I had always lived in into a loving world and sold that property I bought in Hell on Earth. I became so snobby with what I allowed my five senses to take in that I let go of 90% of the people, places, and things that had once helped create my identity.
Bye, Felicia.
Start here if your life isn’t how you want it to be. Examine your beliefs about the most important things to you. For demonstrative purposes only, let’s use money. If you’re broke and you desire wealth, what are your beliefs about money?
Let’s say you discovered that you don’t believe you are capable of obtaining wealth because you were taught to believe that money was hard to come by. As you self-reflect, you find yourself feeling resentment toward wealthy people because you grew up in a household where people badmouthed the wealthy.
Now, use SNOB and answer those questions objectively. For example, was it hard to come by when you received money for your birthday? No, it was easy.
Are all wealthy people bad? No, they aren’t. The truth is, there are some wonderful wealthy people, and resentment comes from wanting what they have.
Building self-awareness leads to asking self-reflection questions, and the answers that come reveal the culprit. The culprit is the lies you accepted as truths before your brain was fully developed. Those lies have controlled your behaviors, but here’s the good news.
You’re an infinite choice-maker. At any moment, you can choose peace or hostility. That’s a fact.
Here’s what I want you to do: Start practicing mindful awareness. Examine your whole life through an objective lens. When you see new objective beliefs, your self-loathing will no longer override better.
Examine your life without judgment. You know where your beliefs came from. Show yourself tremendous compassion and move forward mindfully with a desire to change.
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How One Simple Change Transformed My Life
“It’s the small habits. How you spend your mornings. How you talk to yourself. What you read and what you watch. Who you share your energy with. Who has access to you. That will change your life.” ~Michael Tonge
It was a Tuesday morning like any other. The alarm clock mercilessly blared, abruptly ending my peaceful slumber. Groggy and disoriented, I dragged myself out of bed, my mind already racing with the countless tasks that awaited me.
I wearily stumbled down the stairs, desperately yearning for the comfort of my morning coffee. But as the aroma filled the air, I knew that a storm was brewing within our household.
As always, time was slipping away faster than I could catch it. I hurriedly prepared breakfast, threw lunches together, and rushed to get my kids and myself ready.
Amidst the frenzy, there was always someone in tears, usually one of my children, overwhelmed by the chaos and the sense of urgency. I lamented the lack of time and the never-ending pressure to keep up with the demands of daily life.
Surrounded by the mayhem, a tiny voice within me whispered, “What if there was another way?” Determined to find a solution, I started to explore the possibility of reclaiming mornings for myself before the chaos ensued.
It was a daunting thought, knowing that I would have to sacrifice precious moments of sleep, but I had convinced myself that it was worth a try.
And so, the next morning, my alarm rang a bit earlier than usual. As I stumbled into the kitchen, I brewed a fresh cup of coffee and settled back into the comfort of my bed in an upright position.
Sipping thoughtfully, I allowed myself the luxury of simply being present in the moment. It was in this newfound stillness that I experienced something truly remarkable—a sense of calm and clarity that had eluded me for far too long.
As I sipped on my coffee, I began to reflect on all the things I was grateful for—my loving family, good health, and the opportunities that each new day brought.
This practice of gratitude shifted my focus from the rushed chaos to the abundance of blessings that surrounded me. It reminded me that even amidst the challenges, there were reasons to be grateful and find joy in the simple moments.
Moreover, this intentional time allowed me to set clear intentions for the day ahead. I identified and visualized my goals, both big and small.
By setting my intentions, I found that my actions aligned with my aspirations, propelling me toward personal growth and a greater sense of purpose. This simple act of mindfulness in the morning became a powerful catalyst for positive change in my life.
As the days turned into weeks, I gradually introduced other self-care practices into my morning ritual. I made space for meditation, journaling, stretches, and deep breaths, nourishing my body and mind before diving into the demands of the day.
These small acts of self-care not only set a tone of self-love and respect but also allowed me to approach challenges with resilience and grace.
By prioritizing my well-being in the morning, I found that I not only had more energy and patience to support others throughout the day, but I also felt more prepared and focused.
Taking this time for myself allowed me to tackle tasks with a clear mind and a sense of direction, eliminating the feeling of overwhelm. It helped me feel awake and ready to embrace the day ahead.
Rushing through my mornings without pause was no longer an option. Instead, I established a new habit that filled me with anticipation for the day ahead, creating a sense of excitement to wake up each morning.
This shift in mindset transformed my experience from one of feeling drained and overwhelmed to becoming a source of calm and stability, both for myself and for my family, helping us weather the inevitable storms of daily life together.
Through my journey, I realized that a morning ritual is not merely a checklist of tasks to be completed. It is an opportunity to set the tone for the day, to consciously choose how we show up in the world.
Mornings can often be a battleground of chaos and stress, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and drained before the day has even begun.
For many years, I found myself trapped in this cycle, rushing through my morning routine and sacrificing my own well-being for the sake of everyone else’s. It was only when I discovered the transformative power of a morning ritual that my life took an unexpected turn towards balance, clarity, and personal growth.
By dedicating time for self-reflection and self-care in the morning, we build a solid foundation upon which the rest of our day can flourish.
It is important to recognize that everyone’s morning ritual will be unique, tailored to their individual needs and preferences.
The key lies in finding practices that cultivate balance, clarity, and a sense of purpose. Whether it’s meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply taking a quiet moment to enjoy a cup of coffee, the magic unfolds when we carve out space for ourselves amidst the chaos.
If you’re thinking about starting a morning ritual, here are some tips to help you get started.
Begin by setting your alarm just a few minutes earlier each day, and use this time to do activities that bring you joy and peace. You can expand your routine gradually as you find what works for you.
Creating a sacred space in your home can help you escape from distractions and noise. Designate a quiet corner and fill it with items that inspire and uplift you, making it a perfect environment for self-reflection and relaxation.
Incorporating mindfulness practices like meditation, gratitude journaling, or deep breathing exercises into your morning routine can help foster a sense of calm and set a positive tone for the day. It can be as simple as sitting quietly with your thoughts for a few minutes.
Make self-care a priority by engaging in activities that nourish your body and mind, such as stretching, yoga, or enjoying a nutritious breakfast. Starting your day with self-care can set the stage for a day filled with vitality and positivity.
Finally, finding support in your journey can be incredibly helpful. Consider partnering up with an accountability partner or joining a morning ritual group to stay motivated and inspired. Sharing experiences and insights with like-minded individuals can enhance the transformative power of your morning practice.
The power of a morning ritual lies in its ability to transform our lives from the inside out. By carving out time for self-care and reflection, we set the stage for a day brimming with balance, clarity, and personal growth.
My journey toward reclaiming my mornings taught me invaluable lessons about the importance of prioritizing self-care, cultivating mindfulness, and honoring my own well-being.
As you embark on your own morning ritual, remember that it is a fluid and evolving process. Be patient with yourself as you experiment with different activities and observe what resonates with your soul.
Embrace the calm and the stillness, and allow the transformative power of a morning ritual to guide you toward a life filled with purpose, clarity, and joy.
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The Magic of Celebrating Every Little Win
“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” ~Tom Peters
In a world that often only celebrates grand achievements, it’s easy to overlook the small victories that pave the way to lasting change.
BJ Fogg, PhD, a Stanford behavioral scientist and author of the transformative book Tiny Habits, offers a powerful insight: If we want to get great at creating habits, we must celebrate. He insists that immediately after we do our new habit, or even approximate it, we must celebrate. This. Isn’t. Optional.
Why is celebration so crucial? That’s what wires the habit into our brain. When we celebrate, it triggers a release of dopamine. This not only feels rewarding in the moment but also reinforces the behavior on a neurochemical level, helping to embed the new habit into our neural pathways.
This concept of celebration took on a deeply personal meaning for me as I embarked on my journey toward mindful eating. As someone who had struggled with binge eating for over two decades, the idea of celebrating small victories felt both foreign and liberating.
I used to find myself in a dissociation vortex during meals, lost in my phone, mindlessly scrolling through social media. This often led to overeating, as I was disconnected from my body’s signals. Determined to change, I decided to experiment with BJ Fogg’s method of celebration.
During non-meal times, I would repeatedly practice setting my phone down in another room before entering the dining room and sitting down at the dining table. Each time I did this successfully, I threw my arms up in victory and shouted, “Yes!” This seemingly silly act was a fun and delightful way to grease the groove.
I remember the first time I genuinely celebrated this small win. It was a sunny afternoon, the curtain rustling in the gentle breeze and the sun casting playful shadows on the floor. I was feeling antsy, the dining room table looming like a trigger, a place where I would often lose myself in the abyss of my phone.
As I had done many times during practice, I purposefully set my phone down in the other room. Walking across the living room felt like crossing a chasm; each step was deliberate, like an adventurer nearing a crucial milestone. When I finally sat down at the dining room table, I could almost hear my own heartbeat.
I proceeded to eat my meal without my phone, noticing details I had previously overlooked. The crunches were crisp and satisfying, a symphony of textures in my mouth. The smells filled the air, and the warmth of the sun on my skin made the experience feel almost magical.
After I put my fork down, I stood up and shouted, “Yes!” and did an ineffable, happy dance. It was a mix of awkward flailing and spontaneous twirls—something that would make any witness question my sanity. The rush of dopamine was undeniable, and I reveled in the victory of learning that I could eat without my phone.
Yes, it was one time, but if I did it once, I knew I could do it again.
The act of celebrating these small wins started to transform my relationship with food and with myself. I began to feel a sense of accomplishment and pride each time I successfully avoided a binge by eating with awareness. The eating itself became a mini-meditation, and the celebration was a moment to acknowledge my progress and reinforce my commitment to mindful eating.
Here are some practical tips and insights to help you incorporate celebration into your habit-building journey:
1. Make it Personal
Choose a celebration that resonates with you personally—something that genuinely makes you feel happy and successful. The more authentic the celebration, the stronger the positive emotional impact and the more robust the habit formation. Whether it’s a fist pump, a happy dance (I like to twerk), or a simple smile, make it something that feels right for you.
2. Consistency is Key
Celebrate every time you practice your new habit, especially in the beginning. This helps reinforce the behavior and makes it more likely to stick. Consistency is crucial in the early stages of habit formation.
3. Small Wins Matter
Don’t wait for big achievements to celebrate. Recognize and celebrate the small wins along the way. These small moments of victory build momentum and keep you motivated.
4. Be Playful
Approach celebration with a sense of playfulness and joy. The more fun you have with it, the more enjoyable the habit-building process will be. Let yourself be silly and embrace the positive emotions that come with celebration.
One of the funniest moments in my journey came when my boyfriend witnessed one of my celebratory rituals for the first time. I had just finished a meal with him. Because it was without my phone, I stood up, threw my arms up in victory, and shouted, “Yes!” with the enthusiasm of a game show winner.
He looked at me, bewildered, his eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hairline. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice a mix of confusion and amusement. I could see him trying to decide if he should be concerned or join in the celebration.
As I explained the concept to him, his bewilderment turned into a wide grin. We both burst out laughing, the sound filling the room like music. Then, in a moment of pure spontaneity, he joined in, matching my awkward flailing with his own equally ridiculous moves.
It was a moment of shared joy and understanding, and it made the habit-forming process even more enjoyable.
As time went on, these small celebrations began to have a profound impact on my life. Not only did I become more mindful of my eating habits, but I also started to celebrate other small wins throughout my day. I found myself more engaged and present in my daily activities, and my overall sense of well-being improved.
The power of celebration lies in its ability to create positive emotional experiences that reinforce new behaviors. When we celebrate our small wins, we acknowledge our efforts and progress, no matter how minor they may seem. This recognition helps to build self-confidence and resilience, making it easier to tackle bigger challenges.
BJ Fogg’s insight is simple yet transformative: You change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad. By celebrating every win, we create a positive feedback loop that encourages continued growth and development.
So, whether you’re working on mindful eating, like I was, or any other habit, remember to celebrate your wins. Throw your arms up in victory, do a happy dance, or simply smile and say, “Yes!” Let’s embrace the joy of progress and let celebration be the catalyst for lasting change in our lives.
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The Subtle (Yet Huge) Perspective Shift That Changed My Life
“Dear self: Don’t get so worked up over things you can’t change or people you can’t change. It’s not worth the anger buildup or the heartache. Control only what you can. Let go. Love me.” ~Unknown
When I was furloughed from work back in the early months of 2020, I suddenly found myself with more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. I realized it was the freest time I’d had since I was a child on my summer holidays.
But that Covid-related break was much longer than six weeks; it was three long months. The world felt as if it were in limbo. What was going to happen? Was everything going to change forever? Would I go back to work at my desk like before?
I had no idea. Everything ground to a halt.
After the first few days of distracting myself by binge-watching TV shows and playing video games, I was suddenly left with my thoughts and far more time to think than I was comfortable with.
The sudden stop in momentum forced me to think about where I was in life. I’d been riding that wave momentum for fifteen years, never really feeling as if I’d ever stopped to face where I was in my life or where I was going.
I looked around me and noticed I’d been stressed for a long time, and I’d put on twenty-two pounds of weight. I’d stopped exercising, and my diet was making me feel sluggish and tired. My life had become working, sitting, and eating junk.
It hadn’t always been that way, though. Between the ages of fourteen and twenty-three, I was active in the gym, I watched what I ate, and I looked after myself.
The years had taken their toll on me. I had become someone I didn’t recognize.
I was suddenly so anxious about the future, worrying about my health and money and whether I would ever be able to own my own place or reach the heights in my career that would make me proud of myself.
I felt trapped, as if suddenly seeing my true position in life for the first time, and that made me feel depressed.
This period in my life taught me that too much thinking isn’t good. It’s not particularly helpful. What does help? Action, movement, and forward momentum.
But I didn’t want to go back to the old momentum; I wanted a more mindful one, one that I felt more in control of. I learned that if you don’t happen to life, life will happen to you.
My Lightbulb Moment
The one subtle (yet huge) perspective shift was this: There are things within my control and things that are not. I can influence the things out of my control somewhat, but my time is much better spent focusing on the things I am in control of.
I am not in control of everything that happens. There are simply too many variables at play in my life.
I realized that much of my anxiety was tied to things I couldn’t control at all. And the time spent worrying was stealing from what I could actually change and control.
So I began to outline the things that I could control, and I think this is a healthy exercise for anyone.
It went something like this:
- How much I exercise
- The type of exercise I do
- What I eat
- When I eat
- What time I go to bed
- What information I allow myself to consume
- How much time I spend watching TV
- The people I spend my time with
- How I decide to react to something
The things I could not control were:
- How long the pandemic would last
- What other people think of me
- My genetics
- If something happens to someone I love
- The rainy days that make me feel low
- How others behave and act
And the list went on and on. The things that were in my circle of control were the small yet important habits I had each day. These were things I could change.
So I began to think about what I could do myself to improve my life, one tiny step at a time.
I was fortunate enough to have access to fresh foods, so I looked up some healthy recipes for lunches and dinners. I made those meals over and over again for weeks. I felt lighter, lost a few pounds, and had more energy, along with a new appreciation for nutrition.
I bought a cheap exercise bike from a seller online. I rode that thing consistently, three times a week for months, and felt my legs become stronger. I also learned to enjoy the sensation of my heart pumping faster as I worked harder.
I began to write more about my experiences and reached out to others. I found likeminded people who were feeling the same as me, and it reminded me that I wasn’t on my own.
I stopped watching the news as much to give myself a break from the chaos of the outside world so I could focus on my own world.
I eventually stopped going on social media and spent that time researching and listening to mind-expanding podcasts that offered me new perspectives.
All of these lifestyle changes made me feel good. They made me feel much better in my body and mind.
Making These Habits Stick
These habits and routines changed my life. But I had all the time in the world to keep them up. After all, I had nothing else to do with my time except spend it with my family or stare at the walls. The real change would be making them a habit over time.
And sure enough, the world began to head back to the way it was before.
Before I knew it, I was asked to work from home. My work gave me a laptop and told me I would be working Monday to Friday once again from the comfort of my kitchen table. This, in itself, was anxiety-inducing.
I felt blessed to still have a job, yet I had gotten so used to my new healthy habits that I also suddenly felt that dedicated time was threatened.
Would I be able to keep my healthy lifestyle going while working a traditional job?
And then it dawned on me that the real challenge we all have is making the most of the things we can control while we are preoccupied and sometimes overwhelmed by the daily hustle and bustle of life.
We all know what is good for us, but there are so many things that we have to deal with and think about that it doesn’t take much to tip us back into bad habits.
One stressful day can cause us to go home and binge on junk food. One stressful morning can cause us to go and grab a ready meal instead of packing our healthy lunch. One hectic week makes us feel too tired to exercise.
Fast-forward three years, and I’m back in the office, back to getting up at 6.30 a.m. and sitting in traffic. Back to having less money and back to being tired after work and not so motivated to exercise.
This was the real challenge—keeping perspective and a firm hand on what I could control among the increased noise of life.
But it’s okay to have less time. You and I have to work, and many of us have family to take care of. We have responsibilities and things we cannot control, but we should never forget about ourselves amongst it all.
Take care of yourself. Make a list of what you can control and what you can’t. Figure out the gaps in your day—the free time where you can do things that nudge you closer to where you want to be.
Start small; go for a ten-minute walk once a week before you head off to work.
Change one meal a week for something new when you have half an hour to cook something healthy.
Look at your daily screen time and become mindful of how much time you spend scrolling. Cut that back and do something else.
Do ten push-ups in the evenings. Notice over time if you feel stronger.
Write 1,000 words once a week.
Practice mindfulness when you’re feeling stressed.
Notice how capable you are of changing your life through small, regular actions. You truly are more capable than you realize as you sit here reading this.
You likely won’t see much change at first, but that’s okay. Changing things in your life is difficult, and it requires a certain degree of trust in the process until you see results.
Although life is pretty much back to how it was five years ago, I’ve learned a lot. A difficult situation that made me feel anxious and depressed at first gradually helped me grow. It helped me realize that I am worth taking care of. I don’t need to mindlessly stumble through life if I choose not to.
While life can be hectic, some things will always be within my control if I deem them important enough.
I can intervene when I need to. I can make the things I can control positive. And when I let go of the things I can’t control, I have more space to grow.
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4 Powerful Ways to Master the Art of Living with Uncertainty
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos
Uncertainty has always been a fact of life, but I think we can all agree that its looming presence seems to be more potent than ever.
As if the uncertainties of personal matters—finding love, holding down a job, raising healthy kids—weren’t challenging enough, now we’re facing political, environmental, and technological uncertainties on a scale not previously known.
Polarizing figures are running for office and winning.
Heat domes and super blizzards are disrupting our quality of life.
Artificial intelligence might single-handedly upend entire sectors of jobs.
Suffice it to say that uncertainty isn’t going away.
It’s raised a lot of questions in my own life. How can I secure my future? Am I prepared to give up certain comforts? Should I be stocking up on more emergency food and water?
I’ve come to realize that it’s in my best interest to learn how to live with uncertainty—not simply to make it less intolerable, but to awaken the personal power that comes through dancing with the unknown.
Several years ago, I experienced a wake-up call in the face of new uncertainties, and I was in no way prepared for it.
I sustained work-related injuries that completely upended my life. While living in a state of intense physical and emotional pain for almost a year, I was unable to work or take care of myself. Brushing my hair and putting on skinny jeans was a struggle.
Long after my injuries healed, my doctor told me the lingering chronic pain was likely going to be permanent. Suddenly, I had to consider a future where I would be unemployable, completely reliant upon others, and in constant pain. But after months of mental suffering, I finally found the silver lining.
My true power lies in my ability to embrace the unknown.
From that moment forward, I began taking risks to create the life I actually wanted. I left the career that led to my injury, and I started over, even though I had no shred of evidence to prove that I would be successful. I chose to believe I could reshape my future and thrive.
Your power isn’t measured by how well you perform when the temperature is just right, everyone agrees with you, and the outcomes are guaranteed. It’s easy to be kind and feel confident when life flows smoothly and predictably.
But when your kid is having a meltdown two minutes before your job interview?
Or your landlord decides not to renew your lease?
Or your spouse is diagnosed with a chronic disease?
These are the moments when you have an opportunity to stop old habits—catastrophizing, finger-pointing, or coming apart at the seams—and to start trusting yourself to grow into an expanded, more resilient version of you.
Everything has a degree of uncertainty. I believe that mastering the art of living with unknowns is the secret to being successful at anything you put your mind to—whether it’s building a business or reentering the dating world.
Because your relationship with uncertainty is a choice.
What if you could be a master sorcerer at responding to, playing with, and leveraging the unplanned circumstances of your life?
What if it felt empowering or even magical to be with the unfolding unknown?
This isn’t to say that feeling afraid or grieving change is wrong. When everything that once felt secure is now on the chopping board, it’s normal to be upset. But endless suffering isn’t necessary, healthy, or empowering.
If you let your survival brain steer the wheel, you’ll easily get stuck in indecision and doubt, which will obscure what’s possible.
Power comes through experiencing your unrealized self-agency precisely when everything seems out of control—to remember that you have choice in every moment.
To be fair, very real, very harmful changes are happening in the world. When your rights are being taken away, global warming is destroying the earth, and no one can agree on what’s the “truth” anymore, we need to mobilize to create the change that’s desperately needed. You can’t make a difference when you’re busy complaining, floundering, or hiding from the problem.
Expanding your capacity to embrace uncertainty is an inevitable journey that life will keep inviting you to participate in until you finally say yes.
Here are a few ways to start building a new relationship with uncertainty.
4 Ways to Master the Art of Living with Uncertainty
1. Reduce anxiety and turn up the curiosity.
Anxiety is the result of your internal threat sensors getting activated, and this is natural, but it can easily become a self-perpetuating cycle.
Intercepting anxiety is a superpower you want to have. It allows you to problem-solve like a wizard from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is neutral, unbiased, and open to possibilities. It doesn’t care about failure; it only cares about learning. It doesn’t listen to your ego; it only draws insight from your deeper wisdom. Curiosity will help you spark ideas and take action. Anxiety will crush innovation and paralyze you.
There are countless tools that can help you turn off the stress signals in your brain. Anytime you feel anxiety rearing its ugly head, try this breathing technique. Pause what you’re doing to inhale for four, hold for four, and exhale for four. Repeat a few times. Small interventions like breathing have a powerful cumulative effect in building resilience in your nervous system.
2. Consult your three centers of intelligence.
They say there are three brains—one in your head, one in your heart, and one in your gut. There are actually thousands of neurons in your heart, and we all know that gut-instinct feeling in our belly.
Each of these wisdom centers gives you messages that are each meaningful in their own way if you pause to listen. All you need to do is ask your mind, heart, and gut what they each know to be true about a situation you’re facing.
To get the most out of this practice, go to a quiet, uninterrupted space. Center yourself, step into your curiosity, and go inward for some wisdom. “What does my heart, gut, and mind know about this situation that’s important for me to know?”
When I took a leap of faith in quitting my nine-to-five job to become a healer, my heart and gut were in full agreement about this decision. I was excited and relieved to realize what I truly wanted to do. But my mind was initially full of questions like, “How do I start taking steps to make this happen?” and “How can I afford this risk?”
Sometimes your centers of intelligence might not be in alignment, which creates that feeling of inner conflict. That is completely normal. Consulting your three centers is about gathering information.
In my case, the practicality of my mind wasn’t ready to shake hands with my feelings and intuition. So I knew I needed to listen carefully to my inner wisdom, which said loud and clear, “You need to plan this out carefully and not make any naive decisions!”
3. When in doubt, remember you always have two options.
When you’re struggling to embrace change or uncertainty, remember that you always have one of two options: gracefully surrender or rise up and play a part. In other words, you can change your thoughts about the situation, or you can change the situation.
Making decisions can feel taxing. Isn’t it easier to choose between one of two options, as opposed to endlessly resisting, lamenting, or overthinking it?
Whether you decide to surrender or take action, all you need to ask yourself is, “What’s the next smallest step I need to take?” Focus on one small step at a time.
4. Plant new seeds.
How often do you doubt yourself or assume the worst? How likely are you to label your experience as “hard,” “impossible,” or “unfair”? If you allow limiting beliefs to run amok, you’re giving up a lot of rent-free space in your mind to thoughts that do not serve you. Fixating on despair and hopelessness creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t do that.
You were made to rise up to something greater—believing and embodying this truth is perhaps your greatest unrealized power. Choosing to believe that you have free will, are inherently worthy, and have infinite creativity is a game-changing strategy that very few people take advantage of.
You get to create the narrative of your life. What beliefs do you want to have about yourself and what you can achieve? Get specific, write them down, and make a regular practice of rooting into these beliefs and embodying them.
Embodying a belief means that it feels congruent inside when you think it. A belief is just an empty thought if you don’t emotionally embody it. If a new belief feels like too big of a jump, start really small. Remind yourself, “Even though I feel this way, I am learning to feel differently.”
When I first started putting myself in front of people to talk about my work as a healer, I was not used to the visibility and vulnerability it required. Despite being over-the-moon excited to help people, I was surprised to learn that it was also frightening.
I knew I needed to build more capacity to feel safe being seen and taking up space. So I started to gently remind myself that “I am safe when I’m visible” as I embodied the feeling of inner security. This is not an overnight trick. This is a dedicated practice that takes time and tenacity to commit to.
Planting seeds is a long-term investment in yourself—treat it like a non-negotiable part of your health routine and a sacred remembering of who you’re becoming and where you’re going.
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Strengthening your relationship with uncertainty is going to set you up for unimaginable success in your relationships, career, and creative endeavors because it will enable you to take chances you might otherwise be afraid to take. And it will also help you better cope with the varied challenges of our time.
If you waver on a big decision because you’re scared of the unknown, simply ask yourself what would make you proud of yourself in the long run. Treat every obstacle or mishap as a learning opportunity, where your only job is to stay curious and get better at pivoting. This will build your self-trust muscle and your confidence. Eventually you’ll realize how much more comfortable you are with uncertainty. Last but not least, be sure to celebrate this momentous win!
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Miraculous Empath Breakthrough: My Mother’s Cancer Gift
“Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity, and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav
Last July, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and began chemotherapy. She asked if I could stay and help her through the treatments.
Our relationship had always been strained—she was judgmental of my nomadic lifestyle and often spoke in a way that left me feeling demoralized and degraded. As an empath, this criticism was particularly hard to bear. I would feel an instant shock, like an infusion of toxic poison flowing through my veins, triggering a strong desire to hop on the next flight out of America.
However, this time, something changed. I found the courage to tell her how her judgmental tone affected me. To my surprise, she listened, apologized, and asked for my help in changing. She even expressed regret for not understanding sooner how her words hurt me. This was the beginning of a miraculous transformation, not only in our relationship but in her health as well.
A few months into chemotherapy, my mother had a severe reaction and decided to stop all medications. Instead, she turned to a healthier lifestyle. She adopted a nutritious diet, started swimming every morning at 6 a.m., and lost fifty pounds. Most importantly, she began to forgive her past, which allowed her to fully embrace the present.
At eighty-three, my mother is changing in ways I never thought possible.
We recently returned from a two-week scuba and snorkeling trip in the Maldives, where she swam with whale sharks and eagle rays, danced, and marveled at the stunning aqua waters. She had the time of her life, and I could see from the sparkle in her eyes the life-changing impact of the sea.
Throughout the trip, she didn’t watch any TV and instead thanked me for sharing my love of the ocean with her. Her newfound appreciation for life was a beautiful, miraculous gift. She was happy, alive, and looked twenty years younger, and for the first time in my life, she expressed her respect and appreciation for my life choices.
During this time, I maintained my equanimity, a testament to the spiritual practices I’ve cultivated as an empath. I stayed grounded and clear, which allowed me to support her without losing myself in the process.
This experience has taught me invaluable lessons about healing, not only for my mother but for our relationship as well. Reflecting on this journey, I realize how much we have both grown. My mother once said that I came back to help her die, but instead, she has learned how to truly live. This transformation is a powerful reminder of the resilience and strength we all possess, especially when we embrace our sensitivities and learn how to speak our truths.
Lessons Learned on My Path
Honest communication can transform relationships.
I have learned to never assume it’s pointless to share my honest feelings because you never know how they’ll be received.
Open and genuine communication was the key to transforming my relationship with my mother. When I finally expressed how her words affected me, it opened the door to healing and understanding.
Change is always possible.
Know that it’s never too late to change or to create change in a relationship.
My mother’s transformation at eighty-three is a testament to the fact that we are never too old to grow, heal, and embrace a new way of living. Her journey has shown me that change is always possible, no matter where we are in life.
Our energy can have a profound effect on our interactions.
Recognizing that the energy I bring to an interaction affects how the other person will engage with me has been another game changer. By maintaining a calm and grounded presence, I was able to support my mother without losing myself in the process. This shift in energy made our interactions more positive and constructive.
One practice that helps me with this is Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian forgiveness prayer), which includes four parts: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you.
Ho’oponopono operates on the basis that any energies I experience can, in some way, be a mirror of energies I have in myself. My focus is to actively take responsibility for my part (whether I am conscious of it or not).
This helps me to take active ownership of my part in the situation and to clear my side of the street. It helps me to come from a place of humility and empowerment by taking responsibility for what I have brought to the table. It is a powerful practice and can totally shift dynamics in relationships and situations.
It’s crucial for empaths to discern which energy is our own.
One of the most critical lessons I learned was how to distinguish between my energy and the energy of others. As an empath, it’s easy to absorb emotions, thoughts, and energies from those around you, often confusing them with your own. This can be overwhelming and disorienting.
It was especially challenging around my mother, who is an anxious person. In the past, I would feel her anxiety as if it were my own, which was particularly triggering. Through my spiritual practices and studies, I developed a heightened awareness of my internal state.
I started by paying close attention to my feelings and sensations, learning to recognize what was inherently mine. Meditation played a significant role in this process. By sitting in stillness and observing my thoughts and emotions without attachment, I could identify the subtle differences between my energy and external influences. I also practiced grounding exercises, which helped me stay connected to my body and the present moment, making it easier to discern external energies.
Energy clearing is a game-changer.
Clearing my energy has become essential to maintaining my well-being. I have discovered several techniques that prove invaluable in releasing unwanted energies and restoring my natural state.
I use intention and release energy that I may have absorbed that is not mine, replacing it with high-frequency energy. I then call back into my body all my energy after I intend that it is cleared and cleansed.
I clear myself and my space with the sacred sound of a Tibetan bowl and smudge with sage or palo santo, which leaves me feeling refreshed and renewed.
I think of clearing energy like brushing my teeth. I do it several times daily, and it only takes a few minutes.
Another effective method is using visualization. I visualize a bright light surrounding me, washing away any negative or foreign energies. Outside of the light, I visualize a disco ball with mirrors, reflecting the energy from others.
Breathwork has also become a life-changing and powerful tool. Through deep, conscious, connected breathing, I release tension, trauma, and stagnant energy from my body. Each inhale brings in fresh, revitalizing energy, while each exhale expels anything that is not serving me.
Having a spiritual routine can keep us centered.
Developing a daily spiritual routine has been the cornerstone of maintaining a high vibration and a clear mind. This routine involves a combination of practices that nurture my body, mind, and spirit, ensuring I start each day grounded and aligned.
My routine includes:
- Morning Meditation: I begin each day with a twenty-minute meditation session. This sets a peaceful tone for the day and helps me connect with my inner self before engaging with the outside world.
- Yoga Practice: Incorporating yoga into my morning routine helps me stay physically flexible and mentally focused. The combination of movement and breathwork balances my energy and enhances my mindfulness.
- Journaling: After meditation, I spend time journaling. This practice allows me to process my thoughts and emotions, gain insights, and set intentions for the day. It’s a way to clear my mind and focus on what truly matters.
- Affirmations, Intentions, and Gratitude: Positive affirmations, intentions, and gratitude exercises uplift my spirit and reinforce a positive mindset. By acknowledging what I’m grateful for and affirming my strengths, I cultivate a sense of abundance and joy. I set the intention to remain in equanimity on the trip with my mother and it worked!
- Nature Connection: Spending time in nature, even if it’s just a short walk, helps ground me.
These practices, woven into my daily life, create a framework that supports living an empowered life as an empath. They help me stay centered, clear, and resilient, allowing me to embrace my sensitivity as a gift rather than a burden.
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Reflecting back on my journey with my mother, I am reminded of how far we’ve come. Our relationship, once strained and filled with misunderstanding, has transformed into a beautiful, supportive bond.
The courage to share my honest feelings and the willingness to engage with a calm, grounded energy were pivotal in this transformation. My mother’s ability to change and embrace a new way of living at eighty-three has shown me that it’s never too late for growth and healing.
By sharing these lessons, I hope to inspire fellow empaths to embrace their sensitivity and develop practices that nurture their unique gifts. Sensitivity, when understood and managed well, can be a profound source of strength and connection to the people around us.