Tiny Buddha

Tag: anxiety

  • The Power of Patience: Let Go of Anxiety and Let Things Happen

    The Power of Patience: Let Go of Anxiety and Let Things Happen

    “Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

    Patience can be a struggle.

    I know this firsthand. My experience with impatience used to be confined to overusing the microwave or skipping to the end of a long novel.

    Back then, when waiting at a traffic light for more than two minutes seemed like an eternity, I didn’t know that life would teach me several advanced lessons in patience.

    Shortly after finishing my morning bike ride I started feeling queasy. I wondered what was happening, but tried to ignore the feeling. The queasiness was replaced with severe abdominal pain, and I had to be rushed to the hospital.

    Waiting in the emergency room for hours while in deep physical pain was a first test of patience. I passed the test because I had no other option. I couldn’t wait to be told I had indigestion and to be sent back home.

    When the ER doctor came into my tiny room and announced they would need to perform an appendectomy, I didn’t ask if I would be okay. Instead, I asked, “When will I heal? How long is it going to take?”

    Smiling, the doctor answered, “Two weeks.” I panicked. I could not possibly be in bed for two weeks! But the two weeks turned into four, and by the fourth week, I had finally learned my first advanced lesson: to be humble.

    My experience recovering from surgery taught me to slow down and to listen to my body, and once I allowed myself to relax, the healing happened.

    A few years later I was tested again, and this test would prove itself to be one of the hardest challenges in my life. I lost one of the people closest to me. This was someone who I thought would always be there for me.

    Beyond devastated, I fell into a depression. It wasn’t an immobilizing depression, but it led me to a period of deep grief and sadness.

    Weeks and months went by, but my negative feelings seemed to remain unchanged. Anxiety and fear crept in. I wanted to heal, but it wasn’t happening. The most pressing question in my head was, “When am I finally going to heal?”

    People would tell me, “You’ll be fine,” or “This too shall pass.” I listened to them, acknowledged their good intentions, and understood the message they wanted to convey. And yet, healing still didn’t happen.

    I was not able to heal until I was willing to be patient with myself and my emotions. 

    It was only when I let the feelings be and stopped putting a timeframe to my healing that I created the space my soul needed to receive the answer to my question: When will I heal?

    The first answer I received is that in a universe in which everything is in divine order, things might not happen as quickly as we want them to happen.

    The second answer is that, in order to heal, we need to take down the subconscious wall of anxiety built by our impatience. Once I took down this wall, grief lost its power over me.

    When I became patient, I realized I was in control, and once I gained control, emotional and spiritual healing started to manifest.

    Regardless of how fast I was healing, I wasn’t concerned about how quickly it happened. A Course in Miracles says, “Infinite patience produces immediate results.” The result I achieved by being patient was peace, and peace was automatic healing.

    So, whether you’re trying to lose weight, take on exercise, learn a new skill at work, or adjust to a cross-country move, keep the word patience in your mind.

    Allow yourself to be still, and remember that if you’re aligned with who you really are, all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place at the right time.

    Spend some time in silence, and listen to the voice of your intuition, which is the voice of your true self. Sometimes you won’t be able to hear that voice, so be patient. Trust that you will receive the answers you seek in time.

    Finally, celebrate the small milestones: a pound lost, a mile ran, a spreadsheet done, a new neighbor met, a happy moment. As Lao Tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

  • 3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” ~ Albert Einstein

    An anxious mind is a hard burden to bear. In fact, if you suffer from an anxious mind it can truly feel like a curse.

    The racing thoughts. The daily tirade of “what ifs.” The relentless voice of your inner critic constantly nagging you and deriding your every move.

    And the worst part is that the mental chatter feels uncontrollable. Truly, there were times when I struggled in vain to quiet my mind.

    It was like there was some hub or center in my brain that had gone haywire, flipped into overdrive, and couldn’t be switched off.

    I used to despair a lot over my unquiet mind. Even the great spiritual masters struggled to achieve mastery over their minds, so how could I?

    I read a lot about mindfulness and tried some mental mastery techniques like the Sedona Method and Emotional Freedom Technique. I meditated. These techniques helped, but the results would only last for a short time; the underlying issues driving my anxiety persisted and whatever peace I got would be short-lived.

    I eventually realized that if I was to quiet my chatterbox mind I would have to stop trying to control my mind and focus instead on letting my anxiety teach me what it wanted to teach me.

    I started keeping a dream journal (I had many of the typical anxiety dreams). I also started to get real with myself, sitting still with my anxious thoughts whenever they occurred and letting myself be receptive to what they were trying to show me.

    I went from trying to control and resist my anxious thoughts to the deeper place of understanding their underlying message and inherent wisdom. Here’s what I discovered.

    An anxious mind can be caused by:

    1. Unresolved relationship issues

    It turns out an anxious mind can be caused by unresolved issues in our interpersonal relationships. The anger, jealousy, regret, or unspoken feelings (positive or negative) that we harbor toward people lives on in our subconscious minds, undermining our inner peace. This is true even when we are not around those people or consciously focusing on them.

    For me, I had spent many years silently harboring anger toward my mother and father for perceived failures as parents. I was also holding on to an infatuation with a former flame that I hadn’t seen in years, and was still mentally “tuned into” negative relationship dynamics from as far back as my high school years.

    As I began to face up to these unresolved relational issues, releasing people from my heart’s tribunal, my anxiety decreased to a surprising extent. I literally felt like I could breathe easier.

    2. Unexpressed gifts or desires

    Anxious thoughts can be the result of unexpressed gifts, especially if the thoughts center around your career or how you spend your free time. In this way, anxiety is a manifestation of inner guidance.

    There is some gift or higher aspect of who you are that wants and needs to be expressed, but that has been denied expression because of fear.

    Psychologists have figured out that human beings have an inherent drive for self-actualization—to fulfill our individual potential. When there are obstructions to self-actualization, anxiety takes root.

    In ancient times, prophets often spoke of the urge to prophesy as being like a “fire shut up in their bones.”

    Anxiety is like this―a bottled-up feeling of having something inside of you that you long to express. The gift, desire, or calling within that longs for expression is bigger than you; it is tied up with your purpose for existing, which is why it feels so painful when it is suppressed.

    For me, my anxiety was telling me that I had a gift for using words and expressing myself through writing that I wasn’t cultivating enough. I also had leadership abilities and a yearning for spiritual development that I was ignoring.

    It could be latent artistic gifts, the secret desire to adopt a child, or a pull toward motivational speaking. Whatever it is, learning to express it will work wonders for your anxiety.

    3. Guilt

    Guilt is the emotional and cognitive state we experience when we feel we have done something wrong. We may have violated our own moral code or expectations, or those of others, or we may simply think that we have done something wrong even when we haven’t.

    Whatever the case, we feel judged (or we judge ourselves harshly and unforgivingly) for our actions, thoughts, or simply for being who we are.

    And because it’s so hard to express guilt (it’s not like anger where you can punch some pillows), guilt is often an internalized emotion, commonly referred to as a “bothered conscience.” Guilt sinks deep into our subconscious and manifests as anxious thoughts―it’s like our inner critic on heroin.

    At one time I harbored a lot of guilt over old friendships I had broken off. I had broken off those friendships because they were limiting my growth yet I still felt like I had violated my own standards of what it meant to be a good friend, hence the guilt.

    I walked around for years with a lot of anxiety because my guilt-tripped inner critic was always telling me that I hadn’t been a good friend in the past and never would be.

    I would feel guilty if I was anything less than the perfect, always-available, always-upbeat friend, and the fear that I wasn’t a good friend made me anxious about forming new friendships. I was always worried that I was doomed to mess up my friendships.

    It was only by examining my guilt more closely that I came to understand that my standards of being a good friend were irrational; after all, people change, it’s okay to move on, and you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a good friend.

    So our guilt is often irrational or out of proportion with what’s really at stake. And even if you feel your guilt is justified, remember everyone makes mistakes.

    You deserve self-compassion. So embrace it and put your anxious mind at ease!

  • 4 Simple But Powerful Tips to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    4 Simple But Powerful Tips to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ~Charles Swindoll

    I found Tiny Buddha because I have never dealt with stress and anxiety all that well, and once I became a full-time working mum of two, this had become a real issue affecting my quality of life.

    It was one day earlier this year when I was battling yet another bout of the flu, and I’d just learned about something out of my control at work that would make life even harder, that I went rushing by a group of my friends, not even seeing them.

    One rang later and asked if I was okay, adding that I had rushed by them with a face “grey with stress,” and had not heard them calling out to me. I realized something had to be done, and that’s how I found this site.

    I have never blogged or written publicly in my life, but if any of these help someone out there, I will be so happy to have contributed to the light and peacefulness coming from this site. So here goes.

    If you’re also feeling overwhelmed by stress:

    1. Think “Poor thing…” when you’re aggravated with someone.

    Part of the rushing-about modern-day-life thing is the constant irritation and even anger of bumping into other people as you go about your business.

    Someone cuts you off in traffic. Someone beats you to the last seat on the train. Your spouse forgets to turn on the dishwasher and now there are no clean plates or cups for the kids. Argh!

    Well, I came up with this to help me be more compassionate toward others, and peaceful in myself.  Every time I’m aggravated with someone, I say to myself “Poor thing…” and then fill in the blank.

    So now I say, “Poor thing, my spouse must have been so stressed and addled that he forgot to turn on the dishwasher.”

    “Poor thing, they must be exhausted to need that seat on train. I’ll go stand by the window; besides, it’s easier to pretend dance to my iPod when I’m standing.”

    Or sometimes when I can’t think of anything, I’ll say, “Poor thing, it must be painful to be in such a rush that you end up cutting people off in traffic.”

    This makes me nicer to everyone, and more importantly, happier in my own day-to-day existence.  Because being irritated, angry, or in a rush is painful, and that’s punishment in itself.

    2. Decide “I don’t do blame.”

    This one came out of the blue—well, that is, after reading so many of your amazing posts.

    I grew up in a family where there was constant blame, and it was always something or somebody else’s fault that something negative had happened.

    I then worked in places where you sent emails to the person sitting a meter away, just so you could dig them out later and forward it up higher, to show it was their fault something had happened, not yours. Awful way to live.

    Out of the blue, I suddenly said to myself, “I don’t do blame.”

    When something negative happens and my brain, out of habit, starts looking for who or what caused it, I step away from the blameful thoughts and tell myself, “That’s just an old habit.”

    I just ignore them entirely. I then look at what that negative thing is, and I think of practical ways to deal with it. As a result, my relationship with my husband, my work colleagues, even my parents, has improved immensely.

    I no longer get that awful feeling of resentment that comes when you live constantly blaming everything else around you.

    3. Next, decide “I don’t do urgency.”

    After reading this post about the surprising secret to being on time, I was thinking about how I rush around a lot, and how I can’t find a way to stop. Then I thought, well, sometimes you need “urgency,” and I tried to think of when. I thought, in life-and-death situations, like in a hospital Emergency Room, surely you need “urgency” then.

    But then I thought about shows like ER or the times I’ve been in hospital, and I remembered how the doctors and nurses always seem decisive, super-efficient, cool, collected, but never urgent.

    “Urgency” to me connotes awful feelings of desperation, being rushed, helplessness. When I get something done, even in a situation where time is of the essence, it is done because I am decisive, calm, and efficient—not because I’m “urgent.”

    So I reasoned that if ER doctors and nurses can handle life-and-death situations without “urgency,” then “urgency” is never required. I never, ever have to be “urgent”!

    I haven’t slowed down to the extent that I walk around in a constant feeling of being on a beach holiday, but I don’t have that stressed-out, hurried feeling anymore. When I need to, I act like an ER doctor or nurse with super-efficient and calm action. (And when I don’t, I try very hard to act like I’m on a beach holiday!)

    4. Change “I have to” to ” I will.”

    Like a lot of full-time working parents, I’ve lived with a lot of “have-to’s” permeating my life. From the little things (I have to do another load of laundry) to the big things (I have to find a new job) to the guilty things (I have to spend more time with my kids), I could feel these tugging away at me all the time.

    There is always a “… but” at the end of those sentences. “I have to do another load of laundry…but I don’t feel like it/have run out of washing powder/also need to cook the kids dinner.”

    The “but” causes all the stress, but I realized it wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the “have to.”

    Again, out of the blue I decided to swap “I have to” with “I will,” as in “I will do another load of laundry.”

    “I will” sounds like I’ve decided to do it, rather than “I have to” with all its connotations of coercion, pressure, stress, and resentment. This thing is now in my control. There is no room for “…but.”

    Suddenly, life is full of things I have decided that I will do, for whatever reason, rather than a thousand things out there making me feel anxious, pressured, and guilty because I’m not doing them.

    These are four tiny things that have made a big difference for my everyday peace and living experience. I wouldn’t have come up with any of them if it weren’t for all the fabulous other posts I’ve read here.

    I hope sharing them here might now give a little something back to someone out there, and make their daily lives a little lighter and brighter, as well.

  • How to Release Anxiety and Feel Peaceful, Calm, and Free

    How to Release Anxiety and Feel Peaceful, Calm, and Free

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For a long time I have struggled with episodes of anxiety. At times, I’ve gotten a feeling of crushing fear that occurs even in situations that most people consider to be safe.

    The first episodes I remember were from my early childhood, when I was so frightened that I used to cry all the way from home to kindergarten because I didn’t want to go, although I apparently had no reason.

    As I grew up, I learned to hide this anxiety by doing the things I was good at. During high school I discovered that I loved computers, and I felt confident and safe, as I knew that I could achieve something in this field.

    When it was time to go to college, I decided to study computer science. I wanted to build applications, as many as possible. But I soon discovered that school was not like that; long classes of mathematics and physics were ahead of me, classes that had nothing to do with my dream.

    During my second year, my anxiety started to strike back. I was feeling exhausted, and I had a feeling that everything I did was worthless.

    After some months of living with the fear, I decided to do something about it: I took a shot at one of the local software companies. Although there were a lot of obstacles, I was willing to fight them all, as I had the feeling that I was on the right track again.

    The next hop was during my fourth and final year when I started to feel that I was stuck in one place.

    The tasks I’d been given at work were very similar, and I started feeling bored. But behind this feeling of boredom, my anxiety grew again. Along with this anxiety came a feeling of frustration, because I thought I wasn’t able to change my job.

    When I finally decided to go, I found out that the step was too big for me. My body suffered under the huge amount of stress that I had put on myself over the years.

    Although my colleagues at my new workplace were friendly, I couldn’t break the feeling of fear. I quit after three weeks, deciding to take a long break to think about my future.

    What I didn’t know at the time was that my anxiety would come with me wherever I went.

    I needed a brand new way of dealing with it, so I decided to break it once and for all by developing a healthier mindset.

    Here are some of the realizations and choices that helped me release my anxiety, along with how I put them into practice. Anxiety can have many different causes, but perhaps something from my experience will be helpful to you:

    1. Remember that good enough is the new perfect.

    I’ve always tried to be the best in everything I’ve done, and this has led to a huge amount of anger and stress. I decided that it was okay to let go from time to time. I didn’t have to get nervous for every exam; I didn’t have to win all the time. It was okay just to play the game.

    Doing this, I also managed to develop better friendships and relationships. I discovered that my “I want to win everything” attitude was placing everyone in an enemy position.

    When you focus less on being the best, you release the pressure you’ve put on yourself.

    2. Stop multitasking.

    Although this may not seem to have anything to do with anxiety, it’s related. I used to do a lot of things at the same time: work, check my phone, answer emails, make small talk with somebody, and so on.

    These interruptions made me lose track of where I was standing, and those times when you feel lost are a great place for anxiety to settle in.

    Focus on one thing at a time and be mindful in that one activity, and you’ll naturally feel less anxious.

    3. Stop avoiding things that you don’t like.

    I was always afraid of going to crowded places, such as supermarkets and malls. I’d tell myself, “This time it’s okay not to go. Next time you’ll feel more confident.”

    But that never happened. The next time I had to face the situation, my body knew that the previous time, I had let fear win. So instead of dealing with the feelings in one situation, I had to deal with feelings from two.

    Now, instead of avoiding things when I am scared, I always tell myself, “This is the best time to face my fear! Bring it on!”

    Don’t hide from the unavoidable situations that make you anxious; little by little, condition yourself to work through your feelings.

    4. Find a passion that calms you.

    I noticed that in periods of great stress I seemed to have nothing to enjoy. Friends would tell me to take a day off or do something I liked, but I had a hard time finding things I liked.

    During these days I’d sit in my bed, turning from one side to another, and then return to work more tired than I was when I left.

    One day I remembered that, as a kid, I had a dream of running every morning before everybody woke up.

    After a month of daily runs, I can say that I feel awesome. Whenever I feel anxious, I picture myself running, take a few deep breaths, and I calm myself down instantly.

    5. Focus on the things that you can control.

    In the past, I often complained about not feeling well. I was convinced that I was ill, even though I had lots of medical tests all stating that I was healthy. The symptoms that I encountered were dizziness, lightheadedness, and tension all over my body.

    As frightening as these were at the time, I realized that it was my obsession with control that was causing them. I was always asking myself, “Am I feeling well?“

    In worrying about the symptom, it became real.

    I’ve learned that I cannot control my body. I can only control my thoughts—but my thoughts directly influence how I feel physically. Now and then when I feel dizzy, I take a moment to ask myself, “Am I causing this by worrying?”

    6. See anxiety as an opportunity.

    In retrospect, I see that anxiety was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It was when I felt anxious that I knew that I had to make changes—with my approach to my work, my passions, and my mindset.

    Anxiety goes away only when we learn what it’s teaching us. That is when we can move on.

  • Transforming Panic Into Peace: 3 Steps to Relieve Anxiety

    Transforming Panic Into Peace: 3 Steps to Relieve Anxiety

    “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” ~Buddha

    Growing up, I was one of those people much more concerned about what you thought of me than what I thought of me.

    With my focus being on how I was being perceived by those around me, it left me feeling extremely unsettled.

    I was desperate to be liked and accepted.

    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” was a nice idea for the fortunate, but certainly not for me.

    I was convinced that Dr. Seuss was living in fantasyland!

    This social anxiety spread to my work life, too. I wondered why I was never truly happy or successful. I wondered why I didn’t enjoy the rich relationships that so many around me seemed to enjoy.

    Then I discovered Zen.

    I read that Zen means awareness, and being with what is, as it is.

    What I loved most about Zen is its utter simplicity in recognizing what is really true. Not what is partially or sometimes true, but what’s always true.

    It didn’t compromise.

    I liked that. I wanted that ability to recognize what was always true. That sounded like real emotional freedom to me.

    Zen kept telling me truth was simple, so simple that it was often overlooked by the mind that loved to judge, condemn, compare, and resist.

    Zen meant to be in alignment with reality as it actually unfolded, not as I wished it would unfold.

    Simple indeed!

    I saw how my mind loved to complicate things. I saw how my mind resisted so much of what was actually happening.

    And I was miserable and stressed out.

    I failed to see the inseparable connection between panic and peace—and how resisting one would never reveal the other.

    However, as I began to incorporate what I was learning, I found that when I met the anxiety symptoms without running from or avoiding them, my experience began to change, too.

    They no longer had control of me.

    I had new life.

    And I wanted more of it.

    Here are the three things that dramatically reduced or eliminated the anxiety and panic I had been experiencing. Consider implementing the following and see if it brings you more peace.

    1. Meet your panic and anxiety head on.

    Zen is essentially about who we’re being in relation to something or someone, and this includes needless anxiety. It also includes this very moment. In fact, especially this very moment, as it shows up, and not as I wish it would show up.

    Inherent in anxiety and panic attacks is the belief that it shouldn’t be happening. But this is never true.

    No amount of wishing a particular moment to be different than it is can ever change that moment. Many actually think it’s a good strategy, but it rarely ever works out.

    Upon closer examination, I saw that whenever I ran from anything, that thing chased me. This included thoughts and feelings.

    I found that whenever I faced and embraced anything, it eventually dissolved and left my experience. I was encouraged because I knew I was onto something significant.

    I walked around with a new mantra: “What I run from must chase me.”

    It served as a great reminder and often snapped me back into being in alignment with what was actually occurring.

    Whatever I met head on lost its power, every time. Resistance would often magically drop away. And it was palpable.

    I learned that I can either live with the laws that govern me (and all of life) or I can resist them and suffer.

    Seeing that I couldn’t escape the consequences of how I met anything, I began to face what was facing me. And that insight, I found, was the difference between living a life of peace versus a living a life of stress.

    I began to consciously choose peace.

    In fact, any challenging situation (or emotion) that arose wanted to be met by my loving attention.

    Stress manifested only if I avoided the negative thoughts and feelings.

    If I shined the light of gentle awareness on what wasn’t at peace within me, it had to come out of hiding and release me—because I met it.

    2. Allow it to be as it is.

    Notice how your mind in its infinite wisdom will tell you that any particular thought, feeling, or experience should or could be different than it presently is.

    Is it ever true? Can it ever be true? As much as the mind will try to use logic and reason, it’s never true.

    Things are often different than they were, but they are never different than they are!

    This may seem counterintuitive, but the reality is we must first accept our present lot if we wish to experience something different in the next moment. We can’t expect to resist our current situation and simultaneously be at peace.

    It won’t happen.

    The essence of Zen is about being with whatever arises without offering any resistance whatsoever. It’s about being neutral emotionally so that we are in a position to respond appropriately.

    Alternatively, resistance is the energy that gives life to what we don’t want.

    If we simply allow our symptoms of anxiety to be as they are, we find that they don’t hang around long enough to torture us.

    By taking the backward step (as they say in Zen) into this present moment, we discover that peace never left us in the first place.

    It just seemed that way.

    Allow your anxiety to be as it is, as you look to overcome it.

    3. Be compassionate with yourself.

    Sure, you’ve heard it before. Be nice to yourself! Get off your back! Stop blaming yourself! The key to effective transformation—turning panic into peace—is to stop beating yourself up and to make yourself the most important person in your life.

    Wouldn’t you treat someone who really needed support with kindness and compassion?

    Why are you any different?

    Perhaps the greatest quality of spirit that the Buddha spoke most about was compassion, not only towards oneself, but to others as well. Compassion is the great neutralizer that has a way of dissolving old wounds, as well as new ones.

    The truth is you’re not to blame for your anxiety, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for it.

    You aren’t “crazy” or “weak”—and you’re no less worthy a human being for experiencing it, either. Your mind may tell you different, and even sound very convincing, but is it really true?

    No, it isn’t. Not even a little bit.

    Work with yourself, not against yourself, if you truly desire to transform your panic into peace. It’s all in how you relate to your current condition. Self-condemnation only gets you more of what you don’t want.

    The truth is, you are much more than any thought or feeling that arises. Within you is the power to transform your panic into peace.

    As the Buddha said, “Be a light unto yourself.”

    Transcending anything never involves rejection, but it always involves acceptance.

  • When Things Fall Apart: Breakdowns Can Create Breakthroughs

    When Things Fall Apart: Breakdowns Can Create Breakthroughs

    “Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown

    “I’m sorry,” the email said, “but our phone call left me feeling uncomfortable, and we’ve decided to work with someone else.”

    I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Even though I saw it coming. Even though I’d brought it on myself.

    It was February 2010, and I didn’t have the money to pay my mortgage. My savings were gone, burned through in a misguided attempt to breathe life back into my ailing business by “throwing money at the problem.”

    As a ketubah artist—a maker of Jewish marriage contracts and other wedding artworks—sales are always seasonal, but ever since the economy had tanked in 2008, even spring and summer “wedding season” was slower than I was used to.

    After two years of lean sales, without the savings normally socked away from fatter months, I was feeling desperate.

    It was that desperation that had made me try to hurry along an imminent sale to an enthusiastic bride and groom by offering a special upgrade—but “only if they bought now.”

    Big mistake.

    It was the worst, most humiliating mistake in my whole business life, in fact.

    The couple had been in correspondence with me for weeks, and was on the verge of buying not just a ketubah, but also a Quaker wedding certificate and matching invitations. The sale was virtually guaranteed, and would bring in more than enough to pay my mortgage.

    But in my fear that they’d delay making a final decision until after my mortgage due date had come and gone, I panicked. I tried to create a sense of urgency to get them to buy today, and lost the sale.

    Then I lost my grip.

    The Liberation of a Breakdown

    When the contents of the bride’s email sunk in, I physically collapsed, my body wracked with sobs. I remember the rational part of my mind watching, as if from someplace on the ceiling, thinking, “Wow, this is what hysteria looks like!”

    I was the definition of a breakdown.

    It was one of the worst moments of my life.

    In a way, it was also one of the best moments of my life, though it sure didn’t feel good at the time!

    With hindsight, though, I can now see that this horrible crisis was exactly what I needed to break out of the miserable rut I was in and break through to something better.

    The truth was I’d been burned out on my business for years. I needed a change, but like a horse with blinders on, I couldn’t see that there might possibly be a different path available to me. So I kept plodding along, while my business fizzled and my zest for life fizzled along with it.

    My breakdown finally ripped the blinders off my eyes. It was as if I emerged from a dark hole into the light and saw the vast possibilities of the world suddenly before me. Maybe I could do something else, even (gasp!) get a job.

    Casting about for other ways to earn money felt surprisingly liberating. I didn’t realize how chained I’d felt to my identity as a ketubah artist. It may sound funny, but it was a revelation that I didn’t have to do the same thing forever!

    Pay Attention to Messages from the Universe

    As I was tenderly making my first baby steps forward on a new, yet-to-be-defined path, just one week after my big breakdown, my boyfriend and life partner announced that he was moving out, taking his contribution to the living expenses with him. No thirty-days notice, no nothing.

    Can you say “double whammy”?

    (Thank goodness for my very supportive parents, who helped me pay my mortgage that month.)

    Now both my work life and my personal life were in tatters. It was as if the universe had sent me a telegram, special delivery, with the message “Time to change your life -(STOP)-”

    No, strike that: It was as if the universe had walloped me upside the head with a two-by-four!

    In fact, the universe had been sending me little notes and whispering in my ear for years. Burnout doesn’t happen overnight, but I simply hadn’t been paying attention.

    And when you don’t pay attention to notes from the universe, it starts to speak louder. Then it starts to poke you. Eventually, if you still don’t pay attention, out comes that two-by-four.

    This time I listened. Everything had fallen apart, and clearly there was no going back. The only way out of the breakdown was through.

    Change Is Painful and Scary, but Also Exhilarating

    Let me tell you, that wallop from the universe hurt. It’s disheartening when everything you’ve worked hard to build tumbles down like a castle made of children’s blocks, and it’s scary to start down a new path.

    Along with the fear, though, was an incredible sense of possibility. It was exhilarating! I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but the fact that I was no longer stuck in a rut brought my zest for life back.

    Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to fall together.

    Change is hard, so unless the pain of not changing is worse than the pain of changing, it’s all too easy to stick with the status quo. My breakdown turned out to be precisely what I needed to finally break through to the life I really wanted.

    Without my humiliating client disaster, who knows how long I might have continued to cling to my ketubah business as my only option? Instead, with my castle-of-blocks leveled by crisis, I was suddenly free to build an entirely new castle.

    No more settling! Within two months I’d started my blog and was on my way toward building the big, bold, creative life I longed for.

    The Key Is In the Letting Go

    Finding my way on this new path hasn’t happened overnight (and of course the path is continually evolving), but getting from breakdown to breakthrough—from hopeless and miserable to hopeful and excited about life again—happened rather quickly once I let go of what had been.

    That’s what breakdowns are good for: They help you let go so you can try something different.

    Clinging to what had worked well or made me happy in the past was only keeping me stuck in my rut. I had to let everything break down in order to build it up again. Only after my life fell apart were things able to fall together for me.

    I keep hoping that I’ll get better at paying attention to those whispers from the universe, so I don’t have to feel the pain of another two-by-four to the head.

    If I do get walloped again, though, hopefully I’ll remember that breakdowns can create breakthroughs, and that things fall apart so they can fall together again.

    Have you had an experience of a breakdown leading to a breakthrough? How did things fall apart for you, and how did they fall together?

  • Dealing with Dark Days: Help for When You Don’t Feel Your Best

    Dealing with Dark Days: Help for When You Don’t Feel Your Best

    “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore I. Rubin

    I live in a rainy city. For most of the winter it’s endless grey, weeks in which you’re lucky to get a glimpse of the sun at all.

    It might be drizzling, it might be pouring, or it might be merely fog. It is certainly wet.

    For me and a lot of the people who live here, it’s almost a deal breaker. When I first arrived, I spent a lot of time complaining that it was raining again. When the sun came out, I summarily dismissed it with “yeah, but for how long?”

    Sometimes I still fantasize of moving somewhere nice and hot. Maybe I’ll melt all summer long, but at least there’s sun, right?

    The bottom line is that I like living here. For a thousand reasons, it’s my home. I’m not going anywhere.

    So my choice is this: embrace my decision with a full heart, rain and all, or live in bitterness, fearing the next cloud.

    I can’t change the weather.

    I also live in a rainy mind. Like everyone I’ve met, I have anxieties, fears, and a thousand other difficult moods that arise in me on days when I’ve counted on sunny, focused productivity.

    For the last couple of years, it’s been panic attacks.

    Everything is going so well until something derails and my world becomes scary, my breath comes with difficulty, and I’m falling down the rabbit hole again.

    The hardest part to let go is my plans for the day. I was going to write a blog post, clean the kitchen, or go out with friends, but now I’m crouched in the corner expending all my energy to keep air pumping into and out of my lungs.

    Not fun.

    But recently I realized, I can’t change the weather.

    Sure, I can do things to take care of myself so panic attacks are less likely, but if it’s not one thing it’s another:

    I couldn’t sleep last night, and now I’m tired. My project isn’t coming along like I’d hoped, and now I’m cranky. The other people involved in my plans got sick, and now the plans are canceled.

    Life isn’t always sunny. Life gets rainy.

    And no, that’s not fun. Rain on a day you were hoping for sun is frustrating and sad. It can seem like everyone in the world expects constant sunny positivity from you, and when you can’t manage it, there’s shame and guilt.

    But it’s kind of magical when you decide to look at it like it’s largely outside of your control. What if today’s mini disaster blew in on the wind with the clouds? What if that same wind will blow it out again?

    Maybe today you’ll finally buy some rain boots so you can go for a walk without getting wet. Maybe today you’ll learn that the beach is different in the rain, but still kind of cool. Or you could spend today curled in a ball, cursing the grey.

    Either way, it’s still raining. Either way, you’re still lovable. You don’t have to like the weather, but it’s an option.

    And the funny thing that happens, once you stop fighting your internal weather, is it becomes calmer. It turns out that so much of the problem was the expectation that would things be different than they are, that everything would go smoothly.

    Now when it rains, I tell myself I know that I will see the sun again. It might be two weeks, but it’ll happen. Probably sooner than I think.

    When I feel anxiety creeping up, I remind myself that we all have emotions that are difficult for us. That I will feel calm and happy again, probably pretty soon.

    And then I have the space to make the best of the day I was given, not the one I ordered.

    Some thoughts that help (think of them as affirmations if you like):

    1. This is the weather right now. I can’t change the weather, but I can take it into account to make myself more comfortable.

    2. The sun always comes back. There are always days when things go right. This discomfort is temporary.

    3. Everyone has hard days, even if not everyone talks about them. I’m still normal and lovable when my weather is rainy.

    4. I’m allowed to feel disappointed that things aren’t going the way I wanted. I don’t have to be ready to make the best of it right away.

    5. What if today were supposed to be rainy? What if this were exactly the right thing?

    What helps you on days when things aren’t going according to plan?

  • How Anger Leads to Anxiety and What to Do About It

    How Anger Leads to Anxiety and What to Do About It

    Calm

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

    I have a confession: I’m mildly obsessed with anger.

    Not the negative feelings, the volatile outbursts, or the fly-off-the-handle reactions, but rather how humans express anger.

    I’ve largely made my living by dealing with various states of anger. More on that in a bit…

    Years ago I was shopping at a bookstore with my friend Alex. We were first time parents with toddlers at home.

    The idea was to find resources on how to raise emotionally healthy children and how to avoid the parenting mishaps we witnessed too often at work.

    As school social workers, we provided family counseling to young children and wayward teens in the inner city.

    As Alex obsessively scoured the aisles for the latest research-based writings on emotional intelligence, my eyes gravitated toward an entirely different topic.

    The black, matte-textured book with the blood red title practically screamed at me: Hatred: The Psychological Descent into Violence.

    I devoured it that night.

    It’s not that I didn’t want my kid to learn to soothe himself when upset, to resist peer pressure, or to misread social cues. But in that moment I felt a stronger pull.

    Part of the fascination stems from my ancestry; I’m half-Italian and half-Irish. A DNA hotbed, if you will.

    Meals were eventful. When I would lose my cool at the dinner table, my dad would wildly gesticulate in my mom’s direction. She, in turn, would shrug and reply “It’s The Fighting Irish in her, I suppose.”

    Additionally, I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety issues—generalized, panic, and social anxiety disorders.

    Do you want to know the quickest way to get a handle on your anxiety? Get ahold of your anger.

    I realize this may sound counter-intuitive. After all, we don’t normally associate anxious people with bad tempers and loud voices.

    The anger management connection is not exactly linear.

    It takes courage to express anger—to stand up for yourself and your values, which sometimes includes taking an unpopular stance.

    Bravery is valiant, strong, and admirable, while anxiety is cowardly, weak, and anything but enviable.

    Because many anxious people have a problem asserting themselves, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, and frustration take residence.

    Compounding the issue is the fear that if you express anger, you might lose control.

    And since many anxious individuals are people-pleasers and caretakers, these feelings are especially unwanted.

    But feelings go somewhere.

    And typically, when you take on too much responsibility, you inevitably feel exhausted, taken advantage of, and angry.

    If you don’t have a firm grasp on your anger responses, you’re going to hold it in until it explodes, or you’re going to yell, scream, stomp your feet, and possibly say and do things you regret.

    Then comes the guilt. And next, the overwhelming urge to fix the situation. And before you know it, the cycle repeats itself again.

    All the while, you’re wasting precious emotional energy that could be better used on enjoyable tasks.

    The good news is there’s strategies you can do today to help you feel more calm.

    I included five common ways I help us go from anxiety to zen below:

    1. List the places in your body where you feel anger.

    Is it in your chest? What happens to your heart rate? How does your stomach feel?

    It’s important to recognize the physical cues of anger in order to alert youself that it’s time to calm down.

    2. Visualize different behavioral responses. How do you react when you feel angry?

    Do you scream, tantrum, throw things, bottle it inside, or pretend that everything is fine?

    Write down three different reactions you will do instead, such as:

    Calmly assert your needs, deep breathing, count to ten, walk away rather than stick around for a fight, and close your eyes to reduce visual stimulation, etc.

    3. Make friends with the word “no.”

    Many nice people have a hard time with this one. The association with conflict makes us feel mean, insensitive, or too direct.

    Know that “no” means you respect yourself, your time, and your values. Practice saying it in the mirror until it sounds deliberate and natural.

    4. Ask yourself if you value expressing anger over getting along with others.

    It’s a fact that some people enjoy the adrenaline rush of letting go and projecting their uncomfortable feelings onto others.

    Recognize that the short-term feelings of power are no match for the sleeplessness, headaches, and despair, which endure long after the “anger high” wears off.

    5. Think about the last time you got angry. How did you go from anger to a calmer place?

    You’re probably really good at getting angry already, so let’s focus on the other side. Be specific. What behaviors did you call upon to get to zen?

    This will reinforce your coping strategies, and it will serve as a reminder to focus on solutions rather than stewing in anger.

    The more you practice reacting in positive ways, waiting until the anger subsides, and considering your options, the more skilled you will become at managing anger.

    It’s possible that your body is wired to be more anxiety-sensitive, and you’ll have to work harder than others to calm yourself. And that’s okay.

    These are temporary solutions, and you’ll still need to control the anxiety itself. But they’ll get you started in learning to respond with more awareness, and less emotion.

    You’re the expert on your life. And you get to choose how much anger to allow in your heart, mind, and body every day.

    With intentional focus on doing things differently, you can feel more calm, confident, and in control.

    Photo by skyseeker

  • 5 Meditation Tips for People Who Don’t (Yet) Like to Meditate

    5 Meditation Tips for People Who Don’t (Yet) Like to Meditate

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    I own a series of CDs called “Classical Music for People Who Hate Classical Music.” We know we should like and listen to classical music—they’re the classics after all! But when I actually find time to listen to music, I reach for Mumford & Sons, not Mozart.

    Some of us have a similar relationship with meditation.

    We know we should meditate—it has so many mental, emotional, and physical benefits, and who couldn’t use a bit of slowing down in their busy life? But when we actually find that bit of time to ourselves that could be used for meditation, we instead turn on the TV, reach for the iPad, or mindlessly page through a magazine.

    When I first became interested in establishing a meditation and mindfulness practice, I approached it intellectually: I read a lot of books, downloaded apps for meditation, and even considered taking a class at a local Zen meditation center.

    The more I learned about it, the more I knew I had to incorporate these practices into my life. So I read even more, and I did so much reading that I didn’t actually meditate!

    Why not? Well, honestly, meditation seemed a bit boring. And I didn’t think I was very good at it. I’d close my eyes, count my breath, and then start making grocery lists in my head and worrying about the un-crossed-off items on my to-do list.

    I found I loved the idea of meditation, but I didn’t want to practice meditation. I consider myself a left-brain, idea-loving gal, and if I have some free time, I want engage my mind, not quiet it!

    Has this happened to you? Is meditation your equivalent of a great classic of literature, which Mark Twain once described as something that everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to actually read?

    Ultimately, I came to develop a meditation practice in conjunction with my therapy for depression and anxiety, and it has changed my life for the better. I’ve learned that with meditation, the process of doing it, is the whole point, not checking the “done” box.

    I would like to share some tips to help those of you who, like I did, want to meditate, but don’t actually want to start meditating! Each tip combats one of the reasons we may give for not starting a meditation practice.

    1. I don’t have time!

    Yes, we are busy with careers, children, homes, and social obligations, but we all have five minutes to stop during our day and breathe.

    If you wanted to train to run a 5K, you probably wouldn’t start your first workout with a thirty-minute hard run. To begin a meditation practice, start slowly. Start with five minutes a day, then work up to eight, then to ten, and so on.

    You can also practice mindfulness meditation while eating (paying attention to the tastes and sensations as you eat), walking, cleaning, or any other task you do in your busy day. Can you find times in your day to bring meditative and mindful attention to what you are already doing?

    Additionally, you may find that regular meditation actually saves you time. By becoming more mindful, you’ll be less likely to make forgetful mistakes that take even more of your precious time to fix!

    2. It’s so boring! If I’m going to take time for myself, I am going to read and think!

    Yes, we love to think, but there is also beauty in quieting the mind. If you really want to get your thinking fix through meditation, however, there are meditative practices that engage your mind.

    For example, you could meditate on a short reading or scripture, or focus on a mantra for your meditation. Meditation and mindfulness are not just “sitting there thinking of nothing.” There are a variety of ways to practice.

    You can also find plenty of guided meditations online that give you something to focus on and help you develop your practice.

    3. I’m not good at it!

    Well, that’s kind of the point! Meditation is not about “emptying the mind,” but about observing the mind.

    If you find in your meditation session that your mind has wandered to the events of the day, or planning for the future, you simply bring your attention back to the breath. And the fact that you have noticed that your mind is wandering is great!

    It means you are good at it. You observed the actions of your mind. You are become more mindful. (And there’s a reason it’s called a practice—it’s something you’ll continually work on improving.)

    4. But when my mind wanders, it’s to planning, and worrying, and that seems far more important than meditation.

    Yes, we have to live in the world. We have to plan and organize—but not all the time. A strategy that has been effective for me (especially in yoga class) is to allow myself about five to ten minutes for the planning, thinking about what I need to do when I get home, or whatever else is occupying my mind.

    By getting it out of the way, I can then focus mindfully on my practice. When you sit down to meditate, write down those concerns or the to-do list items before you begin. Then set them aside—they’ll still be there when you’re done, and you can approach them with a fresh perspective!

    5. I don’t know where to begin!

    Take your cue from Nike and Just Do It! You won’t improve your cardiovascular health by reading about Zumba classes, you won’t start liking classical music if that CD collects dust on your shelf, and you won’t experience the amazing benefits of meditation until you begin your practice.

    Start small and go easy on yourself. In fact, it might be easier if you change Nike’s advice: don’t just do something; sit there!

    And just like with exercising, you may find that after a few weeks of continuous practice, meditation doesn’t feel like effort, but it becomes something you want to do, and something you truly like doing. Maybe even while listening to classical music.

  • How I Found Peace When Anxiety Was Controlling My Life

    How I Found Peace When Anxiety Was Controlling My Life

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    For five long years during my mid-twenties I was a recluse.

    Anxiety so badly affected my life it became impossible for me to venture outside my front door or to interact socially with other people.

    Fear and panic would envelop my mind and body, rendering me paralyzed from doing the things I dearly wanted to do. My hopes of being a normal human being lay in tatters. Everything seemed impossible.

    Seeing my old friends on Facebook and other people enjoying life, attending parties, finding partners, getting married, having kids, and talking enthusiastically about their travels contributed to my deep reservoir of sadness.

    I couldn’t sleep before four o’clock in the morning and would often sleep my afternoons away in order to find a temporary comfort in the evening hours.

    The loneliness was overwhelming, the despair was consuming, and the anxiety was like a constantly beating drum, reminding me of time ticking away my hopes, dreams, and desires.

    The Japanese have a special word for people who withdraw from the world. I had become a “Hikikomori,” and at the time saw my life as a recluse never ending and maybe even suicide being the eventual outcome.

    Fortunately, these grave predictions would never have to be realized, for with the gradual self-cultivation of determination, I began to fight back against my anxiety disorder.

    It was extremely difficult at first and there were numerous hurdles, but over a period of a few years I managed to achieve the normalcy I had so badly wanted.

    Today I feel as balanced and relaxed as someone who has never known the horrors that inappropriate anxiety and terror can bring. My years as a recluse are long behind me.

    I want to share four techniques that I discovered and mention how I used them to vastly reduce the anxiety in my life. Each one can be, and was, practiced in conjunction with the others.

    1. Stimulate positive feelings.

    For half an hour each day, I began to practice loving-kindness meditation and developed an appreciation for the people and the world around me. I took inspiration for this from a book by the late German Buddhist nun Ayya Khema called Being Nobody, Going Nowhere.

    This stimulated parts of my brain different to those that activate the anxiety response. By doing this I was able strengthen mental muscles related to relaxation and happiness. This also seemed to lessen the space in which my anxiety was able to maneuver, thereby reducing its strength and effectiveness.

    I knew the development of love and acceptance for myself was also crucial to my healing. There’s not a lot else that is more disconcerting and destabilizing than a mind filled with self-hatred or blame.

    2. Bathe in discomfort.

    We are not very good at accepting discomfort. Whether it’s physically or mentally, as soon as an uncomfortable feeling arises we instinctively try to get away from it. The more we do this, the more our levels of intolerance increase. This can become very pronounced in the avoidance tactics most anxiety sufferers evolve.

    The solution for me was to develop a gentle acceptance of discomfort, whether it was an itch on my leg or the unpleasant feelings of apprehension. I slowed down my conscious response to the feeling and observed it for a little while without trying to fix it or run away from it.

    I bathed in the discomfort, even when I was filled with horrendous fear, rather than immediately trying to find distractions such as food, TV, Valium, or alcohol. It was very hard to begin with but I kept going, kept trying, kept persisting.

    By doing this I found I was able to handle discomfort more effectively and appropriately. Fear and panic began to slowly decrease as my mental awareness of the nature of the feelings becomes more refined.

    3. Study the anxiety.

    It’s important when dealing with anxiety to study what you are thinking and what leads to increased mental tension. Humans are very imaginative, and while this has enabled us to survive and prosper as a species, it has also left us at the mercy of our inner-creativity.

    I began to study my anxiety and my thoughts. I constantly questioned whether the fear of impending disaster was legitimate or not. Whether it was likely or unlikely to actually happen? Was it a sensible worry to engage in on that particular day? Or could it have been postponed until the following day?

    If so, then I left the worry for the next day and mentally compartmentalized it so it would not encroach on my then present reality. In the meantime, I used my energies to engage in activities which I believed would positively develop me as a person, however small and insignificant they seemed at the time.

    4. Distract your creative mind.

    As mentioned previously, the mind is great at imagining worst-case scenarios. Inappropriate anxiety and fear are fueled by the creative part of the human brain. If an anxiety sufferer allows this part to run free then all havoc can break loose.

    When fear was present in my mind, which was very often, I began to realize it was important to try and switch my thoughts away from my creative and emotional mind, and instead into the rational and logical realm of my brain.

    This effectively reduced anxiety periods in a surprisingly short amount of time by engaging reason over raw emotion.

    I managed to do this by focusing my complete attention on to logic-based puzzles or games. I did various things including reciting the alphabet backwards, solving a mathematical problem, memorizing 10 foreign language words within ten minutes, or trying to comprehend a riddle.

    Relaxation is Attainable

    Nowadays I live in a foreign country with a woman I love and enthusiastically engage in a job I find highly rewarding. When I look back on the man I once was, sitting alone in a bedroom for years on end, without a shred of hope or happiness, I can’t help but feel immense love and compassion for that person.

    Life is not easy and when you get stuck in a rut, things can quickly become overwhelming and seemingly impossible to escape. An anxiety disorder can disfigure the sense of reality one has and render the world a terribly frightening and cold place.

    However, it’s important to remember that no matter how bad the fear may feel, or how much of a stranglehold anxiety seems to have on your life, things can get better. With a determined spirit, you can move toward a more relaxed, healthier, and happier way of living.

    This will not only benefit you but also those who love you the most.

  • How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    “Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    As a child in ballet I was chastised for my inability to capture attitude or arabesque. With only one foot planted on the ground I reached for anything to prop myself up—the barre, the instructor, an unsuspecting fellow tutu-wearing classmate who would then lose balance herself.

    My days at ballet were short lived, but my trouble balancing was not. This persisted for decades, through college and into the early years of my marriage.

    Now I was no longer just hoping to stand steadily and gracefully on one foot, but instead was trying endlessly to balance hopes with expectations, mental energy with physical willingness, yearning and desire with fatigue and dread.

    Fast-forward through my short-lived childhood aspirations of becoming a ballerina to my first yoga class. Walking into the classroom I instinctively stretched out my mat at the end of the room, right up against the wall. Without thinking about it I created a safety net to hold onto. In case of a fall, the wall would be right there. In case I lost my balance.

    About midway through the practice my instructor set up a metaphor that stuck with me. “Your mat is your world, and you are here, present in the midst of it,” she said. “We all have areas of our life that need attention. Start applying that attention here and now.”

    As she guided us into a new pose she concluded, “If you require strength, then push yourself harder. If you require peace, then take a deep breath.”

    That is when I toppled over—as if on cue, and the wall didn’t catch me either. A sign could not have struck me more clearly. My mat is my world, and I need to find balance.

    But the mat wasn’t actually my world, and outside of the yoga studio there were things calling to me. There were questions I had to answer, decisions I needed to make, people I had to talk to. With two feet planted firmly on the ground I was still in danger of losing balance.

    This lack of balance stretched far beyond my physical abilities. It poured over into my personal life, academic endeavors, and career choices. Imbalance seemingly seeped into every action I attempted.

    I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. I either had a calendar packed with things to do at every waking moment or I let every bit of it go and spent long days in bed, wondering if anyone would call. I was either overconfident in my abilities or completely unsure of myself; I felt loved or I felt hated.

    This perpetual imbalance left me in a constant state of anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself. So I took a step back, evaluated the role I was playing in my own life, and I found my center.

    In my journey to finding inner balance, I found that there are five fundamental changes I had to make:

    1. Stop being busy.

    Busyness isn’t a packed to-do list; it’s a mentality. If you want to be busy, things you love to do and even otherwise relaxing activities can grow overwhelming as you turn them into tasks.

    Busyness can quickly become a mask to hide behind. I wanted people to think I was busy more than I wanted to do the tasks I had taken on. I let go of the need to be busy and learned to accept and appreciate downtime as space for self-development.

    2. Learn when to let chances pass.

    Opportunities knock, but not all of them are right for you. Job offers will come, friendships will be formed, and investments will be proposed. Not all of them need to be taken. There are things that I have thought I wanted, and when finally faced with the chance to act I felt more obligated than interested.

    Continuing down this road isn’t helping anyone and is only going to drive you towards greater imbalance. Learn to cut your losses and listen to your gut.

    3. Recognize external pressure.

    Not every problem you face is your problem to solve. Friends, family members, and co-workers may inadvertently push their problems onto your shoulders to bear, but you do not need to accept it. External pressure can drive you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with and can cause you to second-guess yourself.

    Listen to yourself first, and reassert your personal control over your own actions.

    If there was no pressure there would be no need for finding balance. Part of maintaining balance in your life is finding the will to continue in the face of pressure, and learning when it is okay to let it go.

    4.  Stop rushing.

    I once grew pestered with my husband for taking so long to get ready for a day at the beach, and then became flustered by the traffic on our way there. He found it hilarious that I could grow so stressed in this situation. “Hurry up to wait” is what he called it, and he was right.

    I created a deadline where there wasn’t one and forced my desire to rush onto him.

    No one has the right to dictate how anyone else spends their time. You move at your own pace and I, at mine. We all have destinations we are striving to reach, whether they are physical, emotional, or even in our career.

    There are things to learn along the way, so don’t rush the process.

    5. Accept the present.

    The past is loaded with anxiety and thoughts about things you should have or could have done. The future is packed with unknowns and ideals of what should happen. Constantly struggling between the past and future will leave anyone unbalanced.

    The present is the center. To find balance you have to accept the moment you are living in now. The past has already played out, and the future will unravel as it comes. The time worth thinking about is now.

    There are things in life that are going to knock you off your feet, and there are times that you are going to lose balance. Maintaining inner balance isn’t just learning how to stay grounded. It involves finding the strength to get back up after you fall and to try again.

  • Reconnect with Your Authentic Self Instead of Denying Your Feelings

    Reconnect with Your Authentic Self Instead of Denying Your Feelings

    “I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” ~Lao Tzu

    I recently took seven weeks off of work and rented a place in Laguna Beach.

    The trip was meant to be a relaxing vacation and possibly a change of residence; it turned out to be a wakeup call.

    I started the trip out by going on my first date since 2010. The pollen count was high, and my sinuses were none too happy. I’m still not sure if it was being on a date or the medication that triggered so much anxiety; maybe it was a combination of both.

    Later that evening, as I replayed the day in my mind, old insecurities came to the surface. That feeling of not being good enough engulfed my being.

    I just smiled, shook my head, and thought to myself, “Really? Does this still ring true for you?”

    The answer was no. But it still came up, so I had to explore it further. So I spent the next two and a half weeks in a battle with the Southern California Pollen Count and my inner self-worth issues.

    Most of my life had been controlled by an underlying sense of anxiety.

    In my teen years and throughout most of my twenties, I numbed it with drugs and alcohol. In 2005, after I celebrated my first year of sobriety, I started to really explore this feeling. I signed up for hundreds of newsletters, spent many hours in the Dana Point Library, and purchased over 100 books that year alone.

    I read, listened, and put into practice anything that came across my path.

    The movie “The Secret” spoke to part of me, and books from Deepak Chopra, Ester and Jerry Hicks, and countless others made me temporarily feel as if it were going to be okay.

    I wanted so badly to just be happy, to be able to really look into the mirror and like what I saw.

    By April 2009, I thought I had it all figured out. My goal-setting exercises were bringing my desires to fruition, my body was as healthy as it has ever been, and my love life was what I had always dreamed it would be.

    A few months later it all fell apart. I found myself again back to square one. It didn’t make sense and all I wanted was to know was: What part of this equation was missing?

    My mission to figure it out was renewed, and the way my life has unfolded since has been a long, strange trip indeed.

    Looking back at my self-education is partially humorous and equally frustrating.

    I now find it humorous that I worked so hard to “fix” something that wasn’t actually broken.

    I find it a bit frustrating to have consumed so much information that perpetuated this seemingly endless cycle of self-help stupidity.

    Two very popular self-help ideals come to my mind.

    1. “You just have to be positive.”

    This may be worst thing you can say to someone who is depressed and sees no way out of it.

    You read books on “how to attract everything you ever want in life.” You understand that positive thinking leads to positive results. Just when you start making progress, something happens and you feel frustrated or angry.

    You find yourself upset at yourself for being upset. You think, “Why can’t I just be happy? What’s wrong with me?” The depression deepens.

    Listen, you don’t have to be positive all the time.

    It’s okay if you get upset or don’t feel happy every waking moment.

    Before you can cultivate a positive mindset, you must first honor where you are and the journey that brought you here. Our general outlook on life is a mixture of genetics and experience. Some reactions are very deeply engrained and will take a concentrated effort over time to change.

    You’re not broken if you can’t see the silver lining, which is why this next bit of wisdom needs another look.

    2. “Just fake it until you make it.”

    It’s a catchy saying, but horrible advice.

    The feelings you have present in your life are valid. The act of faking it is an act of denial, which can have some really negative effects on your psyche.

    You can’t fake your way out of sadness and depression.

    You can put on a happy face, and to some degree it will change your mood. But, during those times when you take away distractions and you have to sit alone with yourself, the act of faking it will make you feel like you’re crawling out of your own skin.

    I didn’t realize that faking it perpetuated anxiety.

    Being really comfortable with myself didn’t actually happen until I began to just sit still on a regular basis.

    At first it was overwhelming; anxiety turned to frustration, to anger and rage, and finally to shame. I felt cracked wide open, exposed and raw.

    The feeling really sucked and it lasted for almost six months.

    But I sat with it. I owned it, and in that space of raw vulnerability I stopped faking it. For the first time in my life it felt okay to be me.

    There is a real power in authenticity.

    It is an act of love to honor where you are right now.

    From my experience with sitting in my own stuff came my life as a writer. My first book followed and my newsletter audience grew.

    Yet, with all that I’ve studied and think I know I still found myself experiencing that old worn out feeling of “you’re just not ever going to be enough.”

    So, how did I find myself in Laguna Beach overwhelmed and feeling less than worthy of love and affection?

    Well, that was actually pretty easy for me to discover. You see, I’m an avid note taker and list maker. It only took a few hours to sort through my 2012 notes to see that I had only half been walking my talk.

    My practice of meditation had taken a backseat to my “trying to achieve things.”

    My practice of mindfulness had eroded; evening meals were consumed along with DVDs and Facebook noise-feeds.

    Three months of sunsets went unseen.

    My reverence for the present moment had once again been lost while my mind searched for fulfillment in the future; the result of which was the rise of my existential anxiety.

    A Simple Plan to Reconnect with Your Authentic Self

    • Still your body and mind. Commit to just five minutes of meditation and build your practice from there.
    • Maintain focused attention on your breathing and honor the task at hand.
    • Witness your reactions to get to the core reasons behind your emotional response.
    • Take time each evening to write down little moments of gratitude, love, and awe that happened throughout your day.
    • Remind yourself that you have nowhere else to be other than where you are right now.

    From my experience thus far the first part of the plan is the most powerful; science backs up that claim. That’s why I am building my daily sitting meditation.

    My dream is to see more authenticity in this world.

    My belief is that this will lead to more compassion, which in turn will lead to more change.

    How about you? Want to change the world too?

    Then please join me by spending just a little bit of time doing absolutely nothing, every day for the rest of your life.

    Who’s in!? Tell me you’re with me!

    Photo by sierragoddess

  • 7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” ~Anne Lamott

    I originally planned to write this post a month ago. The topic was interesting, and it was one that I was sure most people could relate to. I mean, who hasn’t wrestled with the issue of perfectionism at some point?

    One after another, notions and examples of perfectionism flowed steadily from my mind onto my notepad. And when I ran those ideas by a few friends, each of them shared their own stories about how the need to be perfect at something had negatively affected their lives.

    Simply put, there was no shortage of material, and this post, I just knew, would be a breeze to write. A slam-dunk. A no brainer.

    Until I sat down at the keyboard. When I tried to weave my thoughts into a coherent post, the flow slowed to a trickle. Then, it just stopped. I was frozen, scattered, and unsure of how or where to begin.

    “You’re such a perfectionist!”

    I had fallen victim, yet again, to my own brand of perfectionism—the kind where I scrutinize every thought/phrase/sentence/punctuation mark circling through my head. The kind where everything has to be perfect, even before it’s typed onto the screen.

    If I was going to write this post, it had to be witty, intelligent, and insightful. But in my attempts to get there, I became frustrated, anxious, and creatively blocked. In my effort to be perfect, I nearly missed my deadline.

    Deep down, I’ve always felt proud to be known as a perfectionist. Working diligently to deliver excellence, being highly organized and detail oriented has served me well. All the while, however, I’ve often felt plagued, rendered semi-paralyzed, rooted in fear—petrified to take that leap for fear of making a mistake, for fear of failure.

    Am I, perhaps, more rigid, obsessive, and controlling than I’ve realized?

    Bottom line: The dividing line between admirably high standards and the painful distress of perfectionism is exceedingly thin. Alas, I’ve officially arrived at paradox junction.

    It’s time to determine when perfectionism pays off and when it becomes the villain, the saboteur.

    So wait: Perfectionism isn’t a good thing? (more…)

  • 4 Ways to Remain Centered Amid All of Life’s Chaos

    4 Ways to Remain Centered Amid All of Life’s Chaos

    Centered woman

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    Right now I’m in a tight squeeze. I’m in the process of making some big changes, and it’s bringing a lot of chaos, uncertainty, insecurities, and fears into my life, as changes will do.

    One of my deepest desires is to be able to look chaos in any form, of any magnitude, square in the eye, and levitate up to the next level of not letting any of the anarchy affect my inner homeostasis. Whatever the drama—work, family, friends, worldly, financial, school, natural disasters—I don’t want any of it to harsh my mellow.

    My desire is for peace or bust, on the inside and all around me.

    When we recognize that life is our mirror, we begin to understand that the outer chaos merely represents our mental state. If we can quiet our inner chaos, our outer chaos will simmer.

    However, too often we get this process backward, and that is why it takes us so long sometimes to tame all of the ruckus: We don’t take the time to first quiet our mental noise.

    I often say that I desire to be the glowing yogi in a mosh pit, untouched and at ease. My biggest fear is someone knocking me off balance and getting trampled.

    So, my fantasy is to be just kind of floating there in the lotus position in the middle of it all, with pushing and shoving going on all around me, yet I am untouched. I remain at ease and guarded by my peaceful light.

    I crave that kind of serenity in my day to day. When situations arise that aren’t going according to my plan, I want to transcend into the glowing yogi in the mosh pit and remain perfectly centered, unfazed by the drama going on all around me.

    Keeping this vibe of peace is hard to do sometimes when we are faced with the challenges of life.

    Winds of change blow through our lives daily, and unpredictable circumstances happen on the regular that are beyond our control. How do we handle it all?

    Personally, my brain rushes to “fix” everything. If something comes up that doesn’t go according to my plan, I spend sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do.

    I will solicit advice from friends, loved ones, colleagues, my dog. I will scour the Internet for any hints and solutions I can find. I do anything other than assimilate myself as the peaceful yogi who doesn’t worry, and again that is approaching the issue backward. (more…)

  • 3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

    3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

    Looking Down

    “I have done my best. That is all the philosophy of living one needs.” ~Lin-yutang

    Perfectionism—the word brings to mind images of order and organization, of effectiveness and efficiency. This is what society expects from a “perfectionist,” and this is what is projected as desirable and attainable. There is an aspirational value to being a “perfectionist.”

    Many people believe that perfectionistic tendencies motivate people to do their best and achieve their goals.

    However, I can vouch for the fact that it actually feels like being caught in a trap. There is a feeling of suffocation and dread at not being able to escape. The joy of living is sucked out leaving one feeling inadequate and incompetent all the time.

    I don’t remember how or when I fell into the trap. All I know is that I have suffered the pain of trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, so on and so forth.

    And I remember the exact moment when I realized I was trapped.

    It was when I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. In India, the tenth grade examinations are considered extremely important. These are the examinations that would decide whether or not I got into a college of my choice.

    I always did well academically, and needless to say there were expectations from those around me to perform well in these exams. I had to live up to these expectations—or so I thought.

    That thought was enough to drive me into what was unarguably the darkest period of my life. As a teenager I was already dealing with issues of body image, being bullied, and trying to make friends. Added to this mix, my desire to excel academically pushed me over the edge.

    I cried myself to sleep. I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to run away from home.

    I rebelled against my parents. I magnified even the smallest of my mistakes and obsessed over imagined flaws in my personality. I simply wasn’t good enough. 

    I was constantly depressed and wouldn’t tell anyone why. This worried my parents, especially my mother. She took me to see a guru she trusted in the hope that maybe he could help me.

    The guru, a kind and wise man, just asked me one question. (more…)

  • Rituals for Renewal: 7 Steps to Lower Your Stress

    Rituals for Renewal: 7 Steps to Lower Your Stress

    Walking at Sunrise

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    Every day I meet with people who are stressed and want things to be different. I also encounter people who are so distressed they’ve accepted suffering’s dominion over their life. Almost all, however, are interested in the concept of change.

    Still, taking small, conscious steps toward a healthier emotional, mental, and physical life can sometimes seem overwhelming. More people have told me “I’m so busy—I can’t fit one more thing into my day!” than not. But what’s the alternative? It’s being just happy enough to be miserable.

    Take it from me. Early in my career, I decided to take a position with a new for-profit, up-and-coming business, determined to climb the professional ladder quickly. Immediately I moved my family from our safe, rural life to fast-paced, competitive Washington, DC.

    I became obsessed with work, committed, and my boss recognized my energy level and capacity to manage by awarding me with, of course, more work.

    At the time, I took this as a compliment; I saw it as evidence that I was achieving a goal. I did not recognize what my work was extracting from me physically, emotionally, and mentally until, ironically, I took a long overdue vacation.

    Walking out to the pool, my wife mentioned that we had forgotten the suntan lotion. Offering to retrieve it, I suddenly began to feel dizzy as I approached the lobby, anxious waiting for the elevator.

    I was sweating in the air-conditioning, and there was a sense of impending doom as I approached our room. I was afraid to walk inside, fearful there might be a blinking red light on my phone indicating a message from my boss about work.

    Seeing no red light, I was able to breathe again and regain my balance. But the truth was clear: The red light was a metaphor. If I didn’t begin caring for myself, soon enough I would be in a van with red lights whirling all around me.  (more…)

  • 3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” ~Proverb

    A few months ago, I moved from the metropolitan east coast to rural Indiana and bunked up with my grandparents to help them sell their house.

    The house has finally sold, and now I am faced with options for where to go next. In other words, my future is completely uncertain at this point, and I’m experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over it.

    On the real, I’m silently, and at times not so silently, freaking out.

    Anxiety is so annoying in that it can be completely paralyzing. It is for me right now.

    My anxiety has taken over my productivity and has almost completely shut down my creativity. Also, my sleep is suffering, which impacts my skin, eating habits, and energy. It’s a yucky downward spiral, my friends.

    The major bummer is that my anxiety doesn’t solve any of the things I’m worried about, and the blocked energy flow this negative emotion generates only creates more problems. What is a distressed girl to do?

    Today I dragged my anxiety with me to my meditation pillow, and had a piece of paper where I quickly jotted down all of my greatest fears surrounding this move that’s upon me in just a few short weeks. I sat for a moment and wrote down anything that surfaced.

    What came up was that I am fretting that I won’t have enough money to support my upcoming move, I’m wondering what would happen if my car breaks down, and I’m worrying that I might not be happy in my next environment (and so forth). All valid fears, I would say.

    But then I realized that I really needed to dissect those fears further. (more…)

  • Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

    Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

    Screen shot 2012-12-20 at 11.50.19 AM

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    When I was a trainee teacher at a Cambridge University, I attended one of the oldest, most sought-after colleges, where most of the other graduate students were astrophysicists and economists, and 90% male.

    They also seemed to come from families that were in some way related to the Queen of England, whereas I was a young, pregnant, trainee high school teacher whose nearest connection to Queens was owning a Freddie Mercury single, and I was a little shy.

    Formal college dinners were a regular occurrence, and you were expected make small talk as you sipped your cream sherry in the medieval banquet hall in your black robes before dinner.

    When I tried to talk honestly about what I was studying or what I was interested in, it tended to lead to embarrassed mumblings and a quick escape.

    So one day, when someone asked me what I did, I said I was a lion tamer.

    Their eyes lit up. “Really?” they asked, intrigued. “Oh yes!” I replied, “Each day I have to have nerves of steel as I enter a room of caged brutes and try to get them to perform tricks!”

    I am no longer a teacher. But I am still a lion tamer.

    In fact, it was the lions that stopped me teaching, the same lions who were hiding under the table at those grand banquets, when I couldn’t think of anything to say.

    Yes, you heard me right, I live in close proximity to a caged lion. Wild, unpredictable, untamable, he longs to roam the plains. But instead, it’s just him and me, locked in my head together. His name? Anxiety!

    I have learned what makes him roar, what feeds him. He smells blood and out he comes, lured by deadlines, taxes, financial issues, illness, death, or medical professionals. So far, so normal.

    But he’s a strange type. He doesn’t like parties and social occasions, talking on the phone, images of me, swim suits, nudity, heights, or criticism.

    And so anxiety and I live together. I know how to keep him sweet, and keep myself safe. We have learned to make deals. And I avoid his territory like the plague. (more…)

  • 6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

    6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

    Screen shot 2012-12-20 at 1.25.45 PM

    “We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.” ~Mary Catherine Bateson

    It was a balmy spring morning and I started my day as per usual, but I soon realized that my mind was entertaining fearful thoughts about my financial insecurity.

    With many new ventures within the seedling stage, my income flow was erratic and unpredictable, while my financial responsibilities were consistent and guaranteed. At the time I ignored these thoughts as “petty,” like a parent dismissing a crying child after a mild fall on the pavement.

    What I didn’t realize was that my mind wanted to entertain these fear-based thoughts like a Hollywood blockbuster, and as you may know, what you focus on expands. 

    Before I knew it, my body was in a state of complete anxiety and fear. I literally felt my cognitive and creative centers shutting down. I felt completely powerless, a hostage to my own mind.

    My body felt paralyzed, and I felt disconnected from my talents and gifts. I felt separate, isolated, and vulnerable. I became a victim of the fear.

    In this moment I realized the powerful impact thoughts can have on how we feel, mentally and physically. Here is what unfolded through me, and the lessons I treasured from this experience.

    Fear is a closed energy, referred to as inverted faith. Fear exists when we do not trust our connection to the infinite part of who we are and buy into a story about what’s unfolding in our life.

    The emotions we feel are created from the thoughts that we choose to focus on, consciously or unconsciously. The emotions act as markers to let us know if we are focusing on expansive, empowering thoughts or fearful, limiting thoughts.

    If I were to relate this in a story, it may be like a pilot believing he no longer had any guidance or support from the airport control tower in a large storm, and no instruments on board to detect if he was on a collision course with another airplane.

    If the control tower represents the infinite part of who we are, which always knows what’s best for us, it can be understandable why the pilot with no other guidance except for his own eye sight would be fearful of the situation at hand.

    An alarm on the plane beeping at the pilot would represent the emotions. The alarm’s purpose is to get the attention of the pilot so he can focus and realize he is off the path.

    Once our emotions start to take a grip of our physical body, what can we do to move from a state of limitation and fear into an open, tranquil, peaceful state?  (more…)

  • 3 Things Panic Attacks Don’t Want You To Know

    3 Things Panic Attacks Don’t Want You To Know

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle 

    Sunday started out with a panic attack.

    It wasn’t little butterflies in the stomach like right before a first kiss. It wasn’t the feeling of anticipation as a rollercoaster slowly climbs the big hill before the drop.

    This panic attack felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, while being chased by clowns. Not cute clowns—scary ones. The kind of clowns that were in the paintings at my pediatrician’s office when I was a kid. The clowns that smiled at me smugly when I was getting emergency asthma shots, unable to breathe.

    Panic attacks are my suffering at its most profound. Over the years, I’ve become an expert on them.

    I was twenty-nine when I had my first major panic attack. I was sitting in a hotel room in Sunnyvale, California, getting ready to drive to the beach, and I couldn’t decide whether to eat at a local restaurant or wait until I got to Santa Cruz.

    Bang! It hit me out of nowhere.

    That’s how it happens for me. I can handle a major crisis like a medical emergency or aiding in a car accident with unthinking grace. It’s the day-to-day living that sometimes gets me.

    Suffering the break-up of a romantic relationship a few months ago brought the panic attacks back out of hiding. Instead of going through a depression, I felt riddled by anxiety.

    A lot of the anxiety had to do with the fact that I was going to have to deal with my ex in a working situation. It was compounded with the awful things I was telling myself over and over again in my head. It was extremely painful and maddening.

    At least I have some skills and resources for dealing with panic and anxiety, and I’ve gotten a lot better at using them.

    I’ve found meditation and present moment awareness to be effective in dealing with panic attacks. (more…)