Tiny Buddha

Tag: anxiety

  • How to Stop Taking on Other People’s Fears and Live Freely

    How to Stop Taking on Other People’s Fears and Live Freely

    Jumping Girl

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    You wake up in the morning, it is sunny outside, and you are grateful for this brand new day. You are enthusiastic to get it started. You take a deep breath and go outside; then you see some gum in your street.

    Will you pick it up and stick it to your T-shirt, or maybe even have a little taste of it? Of course not!

    Please excuse the gross opening, but bear with me for a second.

    So many of us have done something just like that, energetically, myself included.

    I still remember an afternoon about three years ago. After work, I was on a high after watching a self-development video on the importance of going after our dreams, and in order to do so, we must conquer our fears first.

    So there I was, sitting on a bench by the River Thames, following the instruction, writing about my fears about becoming an intuitive guide.

    The first one popped up immediately: uncertainty!

    “Alright, let me see how I can conquer it!” I devoted myself to doing the inner-work over the next three weeks.

    Except, there was no progress, no breakthrough, nor much “conquering” going on. When I thought about leaving the corporate world behind and creating a business based on my true expression, I was still paralyzed.

    I was disappointed. It felt like that I was running around in circles and getting nowhere.

    Fortunately, my intuition visited me in my dream on one of those frustrating late nights.

    In my dream, I saw so many people shouting at me: “How are you going to deal with uncertainty? Isn’t it too risky? What if you are going to lose everything that you’ve built for years?”

    The images and voices were from my concerned family members, from my curious colleagues, from my cautious (perhaps overly) friends.

    But none of them actually were mine!

    Here is the thing: I only see uncertainty as opportunity and wonder. This was not what I was afraid of.

    I woke up with such a refreshing mindset the next morning. “I cannot deal with fear that doesn’t belong to me. No matter how much I look at it, look around it, look beneath it, it was not my fear.”

    Carl Jung said, “When the diagnosis is right, the healing begins.” But I got the wrong diagnosis, no wonder why I could not move forward.

    I am classified as a “highly sensitive.”

    On one hand, I relied on my intuitive side to see the beauty and gifts in people; on the other hand, the shadow side was that I also felt their fears and pains, so vividly at times that I thought they were my own.

    I was carrying on other people’s expectations and opinions, and allowed them to blind me so that I wasn’t able to see what was really going on.

    And I am not the only one. As social beings, we are all influenced by our immediate environment to various degrees.

    Do you know how much fear and anxiety you might have absorbed from others and now keep in your psyche on a daily basis?

    You might not even be aware of it but end up internalizing it over time.

    Day after day and year after year, gradually you came to believe that they were your own fears.

    Just like you cannot take responsibility for someone else’s actions, you cannot do much about those imposed fears other than lovingly release them.

    But firstly, how do you know if you take on others’ fears and emotions easily and unconsciously? Here are a few signs:

    You have a tendency to say yes on spot but then quickly regret it.

    Chances are you’ve absorbed the other person’s anxiety about you saying no. Your decision is dictated by how others feel, not your own well-being.

    But once you look into the situation, you realize that you don’t have the resources to deliver your promise. You become resentful toward your good intention earlier.

    You feel drained and depleted easily.

    It doesn’t always take a full-on party with hundreds of people; at times you are exhausted by just browsing your social media feeds for thirty minutes.

    You are happy when your feeds are full of joyful updates, but miserable when your feeds are full of misery. You unconsciously take on what your virtual circles experience, without a healthy filter to protect your own energy.

    You often feel unsettled out of the blue.

    You don’t really know why; only later on you’ve learned that something unpleasant happened in your environment such as a redundancy or burglary nearby.

    Or like myself earlier, you want to move forward, and you have been doing everything that you were told to do, but things just don’t work.

    By the way, it is not your fault if you said yes to any of the above.

    The truth is, we cannot live freely unless we actively release fears and emotions that do not belong to us.

    So how can you release those imposed fears or even prevent them in the first place?

    1. Develop a sovereign habit before your day kicks in.

    Before you rush to browse your inbox or social media profile every morning, meditate for a few minutes and check in with yourself. “How do I feel? What do I want today?”

    This way, you will set a clear intention that serves your spirit instead of being dragged away by some unimportant noises even before your day gets started.

    2. Sleep only with your own energy every night.

    Always finish your day with good vibes.

    Take some exercises in the evening to shake off the anxiety, pains, fears, or any other forms of “psychic rubbish” that have been dumped on you, followed by a relaxing bath.

    When you take care of your body and treat yourself gently, it’s like boosting your psyche to be more immune from negativity.

    This method has worked exceptionally well for a hospital nurse friend, helping her recover from long-term work-related depression.

    Sleep only with your own energy every night; otherwise, it’s hard to discover your most authentic self over the years.

    3. Whenever a fear pops up, discern if this is yours.

    Sit quietly with it, without any judgment, and ask it, “Are you mine? If not, whom do you belong to? Where are you coming from?”

    Then wait for the answer. If in doubt, trust what your intuition tells you.

    Once you identify the source, with your mind’s eye, send the fear back to the light and imagine yourself breathing in your own light and breathing out others’ fears.

    You can repeat this process until you there are no imposed fears that need to be released for the time being.

    Once you’ve released those absorbed fears, it’ll be like a spring clean on your energetic body, and you’ll better connect with your truest self.

    Now you are ready to see the deeper truth and live more freely.

    Once you peel off the “fear onion” layer by layer, the “real deal” will start to reveal itself.

    By “real deal,” I mean your truth.

    Have an intimate conversation with it.

    You can start it like this: “Dear Truth, what would you like me to know at this point of life?”

    The answer might surprise you, or you might feel uncomfortable to acknowledge it at first.

    But it will reveal something that you can take responsibility for so that you can shift your reality, no matter where you are in life.

    Don’t be alarmed or run away.

    No matter what your answer is, it will push you closer to your purpose.

    Back to my story earlier, beneath everyone else’s voice of “insecurity,” which I didn’t resonate with, what I was really suppressing was the sadness of letting my old self go.

    I had worked so hard to build a brand new life in a foreign country on my own, but I didn’t even acknowledge my effort, sacrifice, or growth.

    My old self was asking for love and witness, which had been absent for over a decade.

    That was it!

    I put aside the embarrassment of feeling my raw emotions for a change, and immersed myself into days of journaling, healing, (a lot) of crying, and (even more) praying.

    It was fantastically liberating and nourishing, and way more effective than affirming: “I must conquer uncertainty” a thousand times.

    As for the end of that story, I left the corporate world and launched my dream business in record time: one month.

    After releasing those imposed fears by others, I saw my organic truth, and honoring it set me free.

    When you feel the fear but really cannot do it, stop trying to “conquer” it, play with it!

    It will play back and reveal the hidden truth that you need to know.

    And this is how you can take leaps and bounds with grace.

    Jumping girl image via Shutterstock

  • Adventures for Your Soul Book Giveaway: Live the Life of Your Dreams

    Adventures for Your Soul Book Giveaway: Live the Life of Your Dreams

    Adventures for Your Soul

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Sarah Jane Vallente
    • Chandra Milliron

    “Just like the characters of a movie, you are a character in the show called ‘Life.’ Are you in a starring role? Or are you a supporting actor?” ~Shannon Kaiser

    Do you ever feel like could be doing more with your life? Like you’re holding yourself back in fear and not reaching your true potential? Maybe you don’t even know what you want; you just know what you don’t want, and yet you can’t seem to escape it.

    I’ve been there quite a few times myself, and I’ve recognized several unhealthy habits that keep me stuck, such as getting caught up in my head and comparing myself to other people.

    It’s not easy to overcome these kinds of habits—especially if we’ve fallen victim to them for years, or even decades.

    Bestselling author Shannon Kaiser knows this, and that’s why she wrote Adventures for Your Soul: 21 Ways to Transform Your Habits and Reach Your Full Potential.

    I’ve always been a huge fan of Shannon’s work, and not just because she’s insightful, wise beyond her years, and focused on proactive solutions.

    I admire Shannon because she’s battled her own demons—overcoming depression, drug addiction, and an eating disorder—and has emerged with an enthusiasm for life, a belief in herself, and a passion for helping others identify and pursue what they truly want.

    That’s exactly what she’s done with Adventures for Your Soul. In this powerful guide to a more fulfilling life, Shannon tackles the most common “happiness-hindering habits,” and presents exercises, questions, and action steps to help us overcome them.

    I highly recommend Adventures for Your Soul to anyone who feels stuck, scared, lost, or confused. The book will take you on a soul-searching journey of self-discovery, bringing you closer to the “you” you want to be.

    I’m grateful that Shannon took the time to answer some questions about her work and her book, and that she’s provided two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Adventures for Your Soul:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of Adventures for Your Soul http://bit.ly/20FEboE

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, November 13th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I suppose I didn’t know what I would be when I grew up, but always knew I wanted to be extremely brave and let passion be my compass. I knew I had to express myself creatively in order to be fulfilled.

    I could share that I am writer, author, life coach, speaker, travel writer, and teacher who left behind my corporate job in advertising six years ago as well as drug addiction and depression in order to find my happiness, but that is my past.

    Today, I am more interested in who I am becoming. My life is about showing up fully and feeling all of what life has to give. I want to be a constant reminder of what courage looks like, what choosing love over fear feels like. And to remind people it is never too late to become what you dream about.

    I wrote my new book Adventures for Your Soul as a demonstration of what living a courageous life looks and feels like. It’s a manual to getting out of your own way and embracing your true self.

    2. Who would most benefit from reading Adventures for Your Soul, and how might it help them?

    People who are on mission to better themselves and who are committed to living an authentic life. People who are looking for answers for their deep, heartfelt questions, such as: How can I get unstuck? How can I learn to love more in the face of fear? How can I remove habits holding me back? How can I be more comfortable with myself and learn to love all of me? This book answers these.

    Through my own personal experience and life coaching practice I discovered the top twenty-one habits that hinder our happiness, and I found powerful ways to transform these habits so we can get unstuck and move forward with more grace and ease.

    3. The first “happiness hindering habit” you shared is “We settle because we think it’s the best we can get.” How can we begin to change our beliefs about what’s possible for us?

    In order to not settle we have to give ourselves permission to dream bigger. We can start by asking ourselves “What do I really want?” and becoming aware of the inner critic that says, “It can’t be done.” Then, instead of listening to that little voice, we can turn to love and inspiration.

    We all have a little nudge and inspiration that comes to us, insights, visions, or hopes and dreams. The opportunity is to begin to trust those little nudges, and act on them. This will quiet our fear-based mind so the fear won’t be as strong.

    Ask if your current lifestyle is giving you the results you desire. If not, take steps in the direction you want and release what doesn’t serve you.

    For example, maybe you’re in a job you no longer enjoy, and you feel as if you were made for more. Instead of staying in that boring job, begin to listen to your inner nudges, the inspiration that comes to you.

    Maybe it’s saying go take a yoga class or go to the bookstore, or go join that new community group. Follow these nudges because they are leading you to fulfillment, one small step at a time.

    When I first left corporate I didn’t know I wanted to become a writer. I just knew what I was doing wasn’t fulfilling me anymore. So I took one small step at a time, such as getting a journal, investing in travel writing books, and reaching out to life coaches to learn more about the industry.

    Each small step opened up new possibilities. All we have to do is take one step at a time and the path will reveal itself. But we must move forward and take the steps.

    4. In chapter three, you talk about the importance of trusting our heart, not our head. How can we recognize the difference between the two?

    We can get in touch with the feelings associated with each, which can help us make the right choice.

    When we listen to our heart it feels expansive, inspirational, joy-filled, and loving. When we listen to our fear, which is in our head, the rational over-thinker part of us, it often feels scary, overwhelming, critical, and heavy.

    5. In the “Lean into Love” chapter, you share Jim Rohn’s belief that we make choices from one of two places: inspiration or desperation. I suspect we’re more apt to make choices out of desperation when we feel constrained by responsibilities, financial or otherwise. What advice would you offer to someone who feels unable to access inspiration due to overwhelming obligations?

    I believe the focus on overwhelming obligations is what makes us feel like we can’t entertain any inspiration. But inspiration is with us all the time; we overshadow it with our focus on fear.

    If we are focused on how we can’t make ends meet, that becomes our reality, whereas a better way would be to focus on how we want to feel: creative, safe, free, for example. Then we can let our truth pull us forward. We get what we focus on, so focus on what you want.

    6. Your “Fear Detox” chapter was the most powerful for me, as it’s incredibly comprehensive! In your experience, which of the top ten fears is the most common, and how can we begin to overcome this?

    I believe fear of the unknown is one of the most common. We want a guarantee that things will work out, that our ventures will yield results. We need proof of concept and stability.

    Many of us don’t act on inspiration because we are unsure of the outcome.

    One way to overcome this fear is to first take a life inventory and ask where you are holding yourself back in life. Ask, what do I really want? Then take action on that desire.

    For example maybe you worry a lot and have fear-based thoughts about your future. First, address these by listing out the thoughts that worry you. Ask if believing these fear-based thoughts is holding you back, and if so, what action steps can you take to work through them?

    Maybe you want to leave your corporate job to become a wellness coach but you worry about making a living doing what you love. Maybe you also fear the unknown outcome. What if no one pays you for your services? How will you get clients?

    These are examples of fear-based thoughts. Address them, and then ask, what action step can I take in the face of these fears? When we take action we build confidence, which gives us clarity.

    Maybe you list out blogs you want to visit and wellness coaches you want to follow or meet, maybe you look into certification programs or attend yoga classes. Follow the inspiration that comes to you, and this will help you move forward with more ease.

    7. I love the HOPE acronym you shared in the chapter on finding your purpose and passion. Can you tell us a little about that?

    Many of us want to find our life purpose, but we struggle to find it. The struggle is the problem.

    Instead of trying so hard to find our purpose, we have to trust it will reveal itself to us when the time is right. You can’t find your life purpose by thinking your way into it; it can only be felt in the heart.

    I created this acronym to help you discover your passion, which will help you lead a more purpose-filled life.

    H – Habitual Happiness

    O – Open up to Optimism

    P – Purpose-filled Passion

    E – Embrace the Journey

    8. In the chapter on letting go, you wrote, “Most of us walk around feeling wounded, damaged, and guilty, when the bottom line is we just want to enjoy the things we resist.” Can you elaborate a little on this?

    I think society, culture, the world puts pressure on us to be a certain way, and when we don’t match up we feel less than. But the truth is, you are enough as you are, and just because it doesn’t fit with society’s expectations doesn’t mean it’s wrong or right.

    We walk around feeling guilty for things we actually like: eating an extra helping of ice cream, or binge-watching Netflix. We feel bad, but it makes us feel good. So we should switch to focus on how our life feels instead of how it looks.

    9. In the last chapter, you touch upon our instinct to avoid uncomfortable feelings instead of embracing them. How does it benefit us to embrace anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, and guilt?

    Once we embrace them, they can be released from us. When we avoid them or hold onto them, that is what causes the damage. But all feelings deserve to be felt.

    10. What’s the main message you hope readers take from your book?

    You matter just as you are. Don’t be afraid to show the real you because the world needs what you have.

    You can learn more about Adventures for Your Soul on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • How to Make Anxiety Work for You, Not Against You

    How to Make Anxiety Work for You, Not Against You

    Lonely Girl

    “Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.” 
~Jean Vanier

    I got fired from my job, my boyfriend left me, and my father died in one day.

    In reality, my career was going super well, I didn’t have a boyfriend, and my father was amazingly healthy, but what I did have was something I call an ultra amazing imagination, where I would make up fascinating stories about things that could happen and worry about them. (Or as other people call it, general anxiety disorder.)

    I met my now BFF anxiety when I was about ten years old. Initially, she wasn’t that much of a drag, except for casually letting me know that I should dread going to school on Mondays because something terrible was going to happen.

    I didn’t understand why she was telling me this.

    Rationally I knew it wasn’t true. I loved school. But I couldn’t get her words out of my mind. I tried explaining what was happening to my sweet and caring father, but the only words I could get out were: “Dad, I feel bad, and I don’t know why.”

    Anxiety took the liberty of moving into my room and accompanied me through my teenage years and twenties. She had black greasy hair that covered her face, and shrivelled, pale white skin that looked like it was starving for something. I just didn’t know what.

    The more I ignored her, the more she dug her dirt-filled, jagged nails deep into my bare skin.

    There was nothing I could do to escape her. I obviously couldn’t tell anyone. She assured me people wouldn’t understand.

    Besides, I had grown used to the feeling of having knots in my stomach every day and the sleepless, nightmare-filled nights. If I didn’t have these experiences anymore, who would I be?

    That’s until I turned thirty and had, well, as public speaker and shame researcher Brené Brown calls it, a spiritual awakening (a breakdown). I had reached breaking point and realized I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this.

    There had to be another way.

    I did all the typical things people do when they have a spiritual awakening.

    I journaled profusely, saw a psychologist, joined an eight-week mindfulness-based meditation class for people with anxiety and depression (I took the class three times), and learned something called Psych K to change my subconscious beliefs about myself.

    These things helped immensely. But what really changed the way I felt about anxiety was watching, wait for it, a teen, Hollywood, science fiction movie—Insurgent.

    (Warning, spoiler alert). There’s a scene in the movie where the main female character, Tris, has to pass a variety of simulations to escape a futuristic prison she’s been captured in.

    The particular simulation that changed my life shows twenty-something, short-haired Tris standing face to face with her beautiful clone, who’s embodied the anxious voices in her mind.

    She sees the clone running at her full force, trying to physically kill her. (If you’ve ever had major anxiety, a lot of the time, that’s what it feels like.)

    They duel it out, Matrix style, by flying around the room trying to attack each other, while smashing into thick glass windows.

    Her clone violently shouts out all the things Tris tries to avoid hearing such as: no one will forgive you and no one loves you. (I might have added the love part in, but hey, it adds to my point).

    Tris then stops fighting as she realizes she’s the only one who can accept her ego and says lovingly: “I will forgive you. I will love you.” The clone stops attacking her, the simulation dissolves, and she’s passed the test.

    After watching this scene I collapsed into what looked like a hunched over tree that had been hit by a storm. I burst into inconsolable tears, while my little white, fluffy dog looked at me with his head tilted as if to say: “What’s wrong, girl?”

    I thought about how all these years I’d been talking to myself like I was worthless. Every time I felt sadness or anxiety I berated myself further and emotionally smashed myself into the ground whenever I needed help.

    I was the one who had turned anxiety into some sort of creepy horror movie character, when really all she was, was a version of me who just wanted to be heard and loved.

    I decided that day to change anxiety’s name to “sweetheart.”

    Sweetheart and I get along really well now, and she’s so much happier too. She now has a rosy complexion; long, shiny black hair; and beautiful, glowing skin.

    When she feels worried, I tell her I am there for her, and she smiles. When she’s angry, I listen to what’s bothering her, and she relaxes.

    The most important thing is I give her attention when she wants it, and she thanks me and happily skips away to wherever she goes instead of torturing me. (I am assuming my mind has a virtual Starbucks where she hangs out, and it now offers coconut milk.)

    When you accept and love parts of yourself that you deem unacceptable, a strange thing happens. Those parts start working with you instead of against you.

    I don’t really look at anxiety the same way anymore. I look at it as an unbelievably creative imagination. (UCI is the medical term I give it.)

    If it’s used or channelled out of me through writing, I feel awesome, energized, and optimistic. If I don’t do anything with it, I catastrophize doom and gloom, feel exhausted, and see the worst in everything.

    I believe having UCI is a sign showing me my life calling, which is a career in story telling through writing and public speaking. I would never have figured this out unless I paid attention to the voice in my head.

    If you are currently struggling with UCI (aka anxiety), believe me, I understand how you feel and how dark things can get. But I also believe we are given certain traits or tests in life to teach us something and move us in a certain direction.

    Rather than seeing UCI as something that needs to be removed, think about the gifts it brings to your life and choose to see it differently.

    Now that I can see my anxiety as a gift, I know what I need to do to get back to inner peace, something I don’t think I’ve ever really been able to do.

    So go forth my friends, find the sweetheart of your mind, and listen to what she wants to tell you. You may be surprised at how cool and wise she really is…

    If that fails, watch Insurgent with your dog.

    Lonely girl image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Lessons That Help Me Overcome Anxiety and Depression

    3 Lessons That Help Me Overcome Anxiety and Depression

    “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” ~Maya Angelou

    I’ve suffered from anxiety and recurrent major depression for more than twenty years. Over that time, I’ve learned a number of lessons about living life and dealing with these diseases.

    Two equally meaningful and powerful days from that time stand out to me.

    My wedding day, fifteen years ago now, was a happy day when I was more confident and sure about what I was doing than any other.

    The day that rivals my wedding day in terms of my surety of purpose came just six months ago, the day I checked myself into the hospital because I feared I was going to kill myself.

    Complete opposites on the spectrum of happiness, these two days demonstrate the extreme highs and lows we can feel when we suffer from anxiety and depression.

    I remember so many people telling me they’d never seen me happier than when I married Emily. The aching loneliness and raw vulnerability of waiting in an emergency room for ten hours, wearing nothing but a disposable hospital gown on a bed in a hallway under suicide watch, will haunt me forever.

    But, of course, life isn’t solely made up of these extremes—most of life is filled with the in-between, the little moments that shape us, the lessons we grow from, the battles we fight every day.

    It’s been by being mindful of what I was thinking and feeling on these in-between days that I’ve been able to start recognizing and taking advantage of lessons I’ve learned from my struggles.

    Lesson #1: Realize that feelings and disease are separate from our selves.

    When we suffer from depression and anxiety, it becomes very easy for us to get wrapped up in our feelings and start thinking about ourselves in terms of our disease.

    When you spend so many days feeling depressed, it’s only a small step to start thinking of yourself as depressed. Identifying ourselves with our feelings is a trap these diseases set for us, luring us into becoming self-fulfilling prophecies of doom.

    When we start thinking, “I’m so anxious” or “I’m so depressed,” we set ourselves up with the expectation that we’re going to continue to be this way. We then become too anxious to, say, get through a day of work without feeling anxious. We’re anxious about being anxious or depressed about being depressed, and that’s the way we think we’re going to continue to be.

    So how do we break these self-fulfilling cycles that are so easy to fall into with depression and anxiety?

    The first big lesson I had to learn about dealing with depression and anxiety was this: I am not my depressed or anxious feelings, and I am not my disease. Learning not to identify with these destructive feelings is the first step to freeing yourself from them.

    The best way I found to separate myself from my feelings was by practicing mindfulness. I would repeat simple mantras to myself, such as, “I am feeling depressed, but I am not depressed.” Getting these ideas into my consciousness was an important part in making myself healthier.

    Lesson #2: Understand that choice is a strong difference maker.

    Depression and anxiety can leave us feeling out of control and trapped. We can’t control our thoughts or emotions; they’re just things that happen to us.

    I remember feeling so down, I’d lay on my couch with a pillow pulled over my head and ruminate for hours, just stewing about the way I felt or how worthless I thought I was. This could go on for days at a time, interrupted only by anxious sleep. I felt trapped in my own head.

    And if it wasn’t the depression, the anxiety would be sure to hammer me into inaction. Constant fear and worry would build on itself until I got anxiety about having more anxiety. I was constantly fearing that I would starting fearing something new, something that might push me over the edge.

    I was good at pinning myself in corners. With time and effort, I practiced lesson number one about separating myself from my feelings. And the times I was successful with that, I would move onto lesson number two.

    I realized that I couldn’t control my thoughts or feelings, but I also understood that I could choose how I was going to react to them.

    Seeing that I had a choice, even when I was feeling trapped, opened me up to new possibilities about the way I could potentially feel. I could choose to get off the couch and take a shower despite my depressed feelings. I could choose to go to work, even if I was scared of doing so.

    Knowing I had a choice left the possibility of improvement open in my mind.

    Lesson #3: Recognize that courage can be a powerful tool.

    Now that I had given myself the strength of choice, I found myself looking at the world a little bit differently. Having choices available to us also means that we’re going to have to make decisions.

    Being someone who suffers from anxiety, I found that at first this meant I was going to have more to worry about. What would be the consequences if I did this, or this, or that? It was easy to become paralyzed by my own fears.

    So I ruminated more. I dwelled on things longer. I was indecisive.

    I spent more time on the couch with my pillow over my head. At least now I was debating with myself instead of drilling deeper into feelings I couldn’t control. I needed something else to get me out.

    I needed courage.

    Such a powerful tool, courage. It allowed me to start taking steps toward believing in myself, toward doing things that were healthy for me.

    It started out with making choices to take showers every day, to eat on a regular basis, to take my medication on time, to keep getting it refilled and to stay on it.

    These small healthy choices have allowed me to grow and make bigger healthy choices. I quit a job that wasn’t good for me, I reprioritized my life, I checked myself into the hospital.

    I’m getting better, but there are times when I slip or my diseases get stronger. And when that happens, I go back to these three basics: not identifying with my emotions, recognizing my choices in any situation, and acting courageously. They’re steps that always get me pointed in the right direction.

    It’s up to me where I go from there.

    *This post represents one person’s personal experience. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional. 

  • A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

    Power Posing

    “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” ~Plato

    A few weeks ago, I was standing in front of a mirror in the women’s bathroom at work.

    I could feel the cold sweat down my spine and was angry for not being able to gain a better control of myself. I attempted everything in the book—took deep breaths, closed my eyes, tried to calm down, counted slowly to fifty.

    No change.

    My anxiety was still running high, my pulse was rushing, and I looked as a frightened little bird trapped in a cage. The occasion? An executive meeting that I was supposed to lead and pitch an idea to the company’s CEO about ways to achieve efficiency and save some money.

    No biggie, some would say. In fact, many people would thrive at the opportunity to make themselves visible to the highest levels of leadership. I wish I were one of those thrill-loving extroverts.

    As an introvert, though, I shy away from being the centre of attention. Right now, I was also terrified. And as I was standing in the washroom, I felt as if I would have a heart attack. And nobody would know what a great presentation I had prepared!

    Then, I remembered something that I read a while ago. Worth the try…

    In 2012, at the TED Global conference in Edinburgh, Prof. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologists from Harvard University gave a speech that became one of the most watched TED talks of all times. The topic: “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

    The main idea is that standing in certain poses, even if we only visualize it, can give us an instant boost of self-esteem, although we may not feel truly confident on the inside. In other words—faking it can help us make it.

    Her research has shown that by taking a power pose—or, as she calls it, “making ourselves big”—for two mere minutes before an important meeting can change our brains and make us more assertive and less anxious.

    After only two minutes, our testosterone levels increase by 20% while cortisol levels decrease by 25%. (Ideally, every great leader has high levels of testosterone and low levels of cortisol). The power poses are the ones where we spread ourselves.

    For instance, forming a “V” with our hands or putting our hands on our hips. Poses, such as crossing our arms in front of us or hunching forward, in contrast, make us feel small and insecure.

    Therefore, if we want to portray instant confidence, we should practice power poses daily.

    This notion may not sound as a revolutionary one at a first listen. But, in fact, it is.

    The “power poses” study shows that by standing in certain body positions, we can make ourselves not only appear more confident to others but also feel this way. In other words, we can change who we are, as Prof. Cuddy puts it.

    Our brains’ chemistry would change, literally. And therefore, over time, our personality would as well.

    My train of thought races forward to yet other pieces of research I’ve read about, done few years ago on smiling.

    Many studies have previously shown that smiling is not simply a way to do facial gymnastics, nor something that we should only engage in when we feel happy. Conscious efforts and even “training” ourselves to smile can make us feel happier.

    It’s not always an inside-out relationship (we feel happy, therefore we smile) but rather greater benefits can be experienced the other way around—when we start with that small facial gesture that can, in turn, change our mood, make us appear more likeable and competent to others.

    Simply put, smiling can make us feel happy.

    The proof and the examples are countless.

    Patients injected with Botox who are unable to frown have reported to feel generally happier than those who can express negative emotions. People that smile during medical procedures have also stated to feel less pain.

    Even more surprising, though, is the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the first scientists to propose this idea. All the way back in 1872, Darwin stated that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensifies it. Even the simulation of an emotion tends to arouse it in our minds.”

    Simply put, he suggested that even faking an emotion can light up our brains and make us feel better. Exactly as Prof. Amy Cuddy has also stated and proved so many years later.

    If we convince ourselves that we are happy and smile often, or that we are confident and fearless and start acting this way, over time, we do become happier and more confident. Pretty amazing!

    Back to my reflection in the mirror. So, I spent two minutes in a “V” pose, and another two with hands behind my head and elbows to the side.

    Up until today, I am still unsure if this really helped me to pull through that day, or it was my self-persuasion that I would somehow make it. Regardless, I did feel better—after the “V” pose and grinning for about five minutes without stopping.

    I can only imagine what I looked like to a bystander! But hey, if smiling and taking “big poses” can help us live a longer and happier life, does it really matter if we look quirky in front of a bathroom mirror form time to time?

    Finally, if you ask me today what the secret to being a cheerful, confident, and fulfilled individual is, I would tell you that it may as well be something as simple as becoming a smiling Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man) for few minutes every day.

    Girl in superhero costume via Shutterstock

  • How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My unwillingness to accept my anxiety disorder (there, I said it, I have a disorder) results in panic.

    It results in waking up at night, heart racing, body tingling and trembling.

    It results in driving down the road in a thunderstorm thinking I am having a heart attack—but I just keep driving and talking to my beloved on the phone because “if I can just keep driving away from it, it will be okay.”

    Instead of accepting anxiety as a family member of sorts, I resist and resent her visits. She’s always forced into drastic measures to get my attention.

    When the panic and physical symptoms of anxiety start, I assign it to something else.

    My heart races and I must have a heart condition. I’m dizzy and I must have a neurological condition. If it’s not me I assign it to, it’s my children. My son has a horrible bruise; it must be Leukemia. Life is too good; something awful is going to happen to someone I love.

    It always happens just like this, I’ve realized recently.

    Anxiety shows up over and over the course of my lifetime, yet my expectation is that it won’t.

    Instead, I expect that I will always be happy, stress-free, compassionate toward others (but not myself), kind, thoughtful, smart, successful, fit, skinny, wrinkle-free—the list of things I “should” be goes on for miles. That word, “should,” is something that I need to eliminate from my vocabulary.

    I convince myself that anxiety can’t be the cause of these physical symptoms, because that would mean that I am something less than happy.

    Ah, there it is. Feelings other than happiness are bad, and I should (there’s that word again) be happy all the time; so therefore, if I’m not happy, I’m not perfect and I’m a failure. See how that works?

    Yeah, I see how irrational, uncompassionate, and unforgiving that is when it’s on paper, which is one reason I’m writing this. The other reason is because I realized I’m not being true to who I am without accepting this part of me.

    People who know me describe me as an open book. I would have described myself that way until recently.

    This is a part of me that I’ve hidden for years. I tuck anxiety away like that black sheep of the family and make sure no one, not even those closest to me, know her.

    I’ve been ashamed of my anxiety and I’ve realized that all along that black sheep family member just needed me to accept her.

    To sit with her and maybe give her a hug and say, “I see you. I know you’ve visited before. Feeling something other than ‘perfectly happy’ is a normal part of life and I should expect to feel anxious, worried, upset, or even sad sometimes. You’re here to help me figure out what feeling is really behind this anxiety and what actions I can take to feel better.”

    Recently, my children went out of state with their father for a week. This was the first time I had been that far away from them for that long.

    Every day I would wake with a jolt, heart beating fast, wondering why I felt so anxious. I finally realized that being away from my children and worrying about their safety was causing these feelings of panic.

    After recognizing this, I decided to focus on the fun things they were doing every day and how this trip would provide them great memories for many years to come instead of thinking about all of the “what ifs” associated with their trip.

    I see this recent epiphany as progress in my lifelong journey of self-acceptance.

    I am going to try hard to see anxiety as the gift she is, because every time she leaves, I’m a little more enlightened. I feel more capable of managing my anxiety and I realize that I am in control of my thoughts, not the other way around.

    I am able to be more compassionate to others when they are feeling less than “perfectly happy.” I’m able to dig a little deeper into what is causing my anxiety versus denying I have it at all.

    When I do that, I can develop a plan, which either addresses any legitimate concerns or dispels any irrational ones. It’s a lot easier than continuing along just being a victim of my own thoughts.

    The next time anxiety shows up, I’m going to try to embrace her visit so she doesn’t have to go to such drastic lengths to be seen and heard. I’ll simply say, “Oh, it’s you again. Come on in and sit a spell. We have work to do.”

    If you also have a family member named anxiety that’s visiting you more often than you would like, sit with her for a while. Think about why she’s there. What are your anxious thoughts?

    Write down any irrational, anxious, or self-defeating thoughts on one side of a piece of paper. On the opposite side, list any actual evidence that the thought is true.

    An example for me would be “I’m a weak person because I have anxiety.” To challenge that thought is easy—I can list 100 examples of how I am not weak, and have a hard time coming up with even one that proves my thought is true.

    Most of the time writing it down takes away the power of the thought and brings some clarity. If you do have a thought that’s true, figure out some steps you can take to address it. Put yourself back in control. Try it the next time anxiety visits and see if it shortens her stay.

  • 5 Steps to Change Your Perspective and Overcome Your Challenges

    5 Steps to Change Your Perspective and Overcome Your Challenges

    Astronaut in Space

    “Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives.” ~Carl Sagan

    I’m there with a hundred other people. The lights fade to a whisper then vanish, leaving us in darkness. Stars appear. Thousands of them, projected onto the dome screen above.

    In the center of the screen is Earth with its emerald and amber lands and sapphire oceans frosted by clouds. We watch the planet’s rotation, and then we’re flying backward through space, and the Earth becomes small, tiny, nothing more than Carl Sagan’s pale blue dot…

    It’s only a planetarium show. One of many that lays the whole universe bare at this museum. By this time, I’ve seen it almost a hundred times.

    I was the guy in back who ran the shows. A couple touches on the screen and you sent the audience to space. Easy. For now.

    My job at the museum was nearly stress free. I was finishing up my undergrad, and it worked well with my schedule.

    Then I graduated and got promoted. My position completely changed to involve heavier guest relations. I didn’t think I would enjoy it, but I let the money, benefits, and coworkers sway me to it.

    The next six months were some of the most stressful in my life.

    Every day I left work exhausted, overwhelmed by the amount of guests I helped on a daily basis—on one particularly busy day the computer told me I had helped over 1,000 guests in an eight-hour period.

    I was meditating and exercising regularly, and couldn’t keep up with the stress. I rarely had enough energy to go out after work, and I stopped seeing friends; I was too tired to be around anyone but my girlfriend.

    I looked for ways to change the situation: I made suggestions to try and improve the positions, spoke to supervisors about what I could do to use my strengths in more effective ways, and even brought up the idea of creating a new position for me.

    Between personnel departures and red tape, it didn’t go anywhere. I became more and more frustrated, and worse, just pulling up to the building in the morning or checking my email from home called up waves of anxiety.

    I didn’t know what to do.

    I was stuck in my thinking. I just didn’t realize it.

    My anxiety and stress levels got so high, I almost got into a fistfight with a guest over a misunderstanding while on a break.

    I’ve never punched at anyone outside of a martial arts class, and I was about to snap and throw the first one. With my whole body shaking like an airport massage chair, I walked away and left for the day.

    What I should’ve done instead was walked into the planetarium for some new perspective.

    There’s something called the “Overview Effect.” This happens to astronauts when they go into space, all the way out to the moon, and see the pale blue dot that is Earth in all of its entirety.

    No borders. No conflicts. Just the beautiful rock hurtling through space that we all live on.

    Anousheh Ansari, a space tourist who went to the international space station said, “If people can see Earth from up here, see it without those borders, see it without any differences in race or religion, they would have a completely different perspective. Because when you see it from that angle, you cannot think of your home or your country. All you can see is one Earth….”

    If you’re anything like me, you probably can’t afford to be a space tourist, and you’re probably not working on a homemade rocket in your backyard to shoot yourself into orbit (always a bad idea!)

    So how can we use this experience to get new perspective and relieve stress? Like Mr. Rogers helped me do as a kid, we can imagine it (or visualize it, for all the adults out there).

    1. What challenge are you facing?

    As much as we sometimes want to skip to the end, we have to start somewhere.

    What’s the situation that’s challenging you? Was it a stressful event earlier in the day? Maybe it’s something that happened in the past that still upset you. Or maybe it’s something you’re in the thick of, like my stressful museum job.

    Picture yourself in the situation. Don’t just see it, but hear it and feel it as well. Bring in all the details you can to make it more real.

    2. Blast off.

    The problem with our own perspective is that it’s limited. Time to expand it.

    Imagine yourself leaving your body. Your homemade rocket could be taking off, or maybe you’re gently floating out of yourself into the air.

    Before leaving the atmosphere, look down with a bird’s-eye view. See yourself all the way down there. See everyone else involved, and see the challenge or situation in its entirety.

    What do you see that you didn’t before? How does your perspective change from way up here?

    Feel free to see how your perspective changes in relation to yourself, each person, and the challenge as a whole.

    3. Leave Earth behind.

    When you’re ready, it’s time to continue on your journey. Leave Earth behind, and head out into space until you can see the whole thing.

    Ask yourself the same questions from #2 and any other that come to mind.

    From way out here, what do you notice that’s new about your situation? What changes do you notice in your stress level?

    4. Come on back.

    If you need to, you can always go farther out, until Earth is just that tiny blue dot. But just like astronauts we can’t (yet) stay out there forever. If you’re ready, time to come on back.

    But don’t float back into your own body. Instead, with your new, all-encompassing viewpoint, imagine yourself floating into the bodies of the other people first. See the situation with their viewpoint as well.

    What do you learn?

    This may be tough, especially if you’re feeling ill-will toward them. But often, the larger, total-Earth view helps with that.

    When you’re ready, come on back to yourself. From your own eyes, check one more time. What do you see that you didn’t before? How has the situation changed for you?

    5. Take action.

    So you have a newfound perspective. What do you want to do with it?

    What action can you take to improve the situation or do things differently? We usually can’t change other people, but we can change what we do and how we react to others.

    Sometimes it might be something big—for me, since I couldn’t change my job, I left it. It took me awhile, and took a shift in my stuck thinking.

    If I had used this exercise at the time, I might’ve left much earlier. Instead, it came down to my girlfriend seeing me stressed out, day after day, and telling me, “It’s not worth it.”

    Picturing it now from high above, I can see how right she was. My work meant me no harm; in fact, the people there wanted the best for me.

    I committed to a job and outgrew it. It was time to move on to bigger and better things, but I kept myself stuck out of fear of what would happen if I left.

    From out here in space, the fear seems a little bit funny, but there are no harsh judgments. I see why I did it, so there’s compassion for both myself and for my managers and coworkers stuck in the same situation.

    Up here, there’s no borders, no conflict. Just feeling present in the moment with love for a pale blue dot and its people hurtling through the universe.

    Astronaut in space image via Shutterstock

  • A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    Woman with Butterfly

    “How ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    This past May I graduated from college, where I majored in Environmental Science. I chose this subject for one simple reason: I love learning how the world works.

    There are always strong connections to be made between humans and other species. Every time I hear a unique, astonishing fact about other animals, I feel more connected to the world around us rather than more separate.

    My latest bewildering discovery came from the radio.

    I was driving in my car, heading to the grocery store but mostly in need of some fresh air. I had spent the day inside, applying to jobs and pondering the next step of my life. Riding along, listening to the radio, provided a source of calm.

    The segment was on NPR’s RadioLab and the subject was “black boxes.”

    On NPR’s website, the hosts describe black boxes as: “those peculiar spaces where it’s clear what’s going in, we know what’s coming out, but what happens in-between is a mystery.”

    The hosts announced their first topic of discussion: a caterpillar’s transformation to butterfly.

    The black box, in this case, is the chrysalis within which the caterpillar’s body changes into a butterfly. We know the caterpillar and we know the butterfly, but many of us do not know what happens inside the cocoon.

    I was hooked. Sitting in my car, I had parked but couldn’t turn off the radio.

    I wanted to hear what exactly goes on in the chrysalis. What does it look like inside this hidden chamber? Is it what I’d imagine?

    I predicted that within the cocoon, caterpillar cells begin to replicate on either side of the body in a symmetrical pattern. Maybe the wings curl around the body as they grow.

    I was wrong.

    If you open a chrysalis about a week after its conception, there is no discernible caterpillar. Within the chrysalis, the caterpillar actually digests itself. The enzymes released by this process create a sort of goo in place of the caterpillar.

    The creep-factor of this for me was akin to watching Silence of the Lambs. The story was as perturbing as it was captivating.

    I believe what fascinates me most about the caterpillar’s transition into butterfly or moth is that the original wormy fellow neither stays fully intact nor completely disappears. The “goo” is actually a collection of cells that replicate where they need to.

    The butterfly’s organs, such as the antennae, the wings, and legs, all develop through the constant division and replication of cells that collect from caterpillar goo. Even more interesting, some species of moth have been shown to retain some memory of their caterpillar lives. The cells, therefore, hold qualities of their original character.

    The metamorphic process is evolutionary, and it is encoded in the caterpillar’s DNA.

    I do not believe that the small creature makes a conscious choice to turn himself into goo. Rather, he does so by default just as his ancestors have been doing for millions of years. I know this logically. And yet, there is something abstractly beautiful about the concept.

    I love that the caterpillar trusts it will become a butterfly. It is willing to break itself down for a short period of time, knowing that the result of its self-destruction will be as grand and sensational as a butterfly or moth.

    What fearlessness required, what self-confidence! The caterpillar eats and eats for days, plumping itself up for the process of its own obliteration. That takes some serious bravery and commitment.

    Last month, I put on a graduation cap and gown, and I, along with millions of other graduates, took a leap from the comfortable role of student to something as yet undefined.

    One moment, I could define myself by my courses, my friends, and my ability to navigate campus. The next moment, it became a lot harder to define myself, as my entire environment changed.

    I have been wondering a lot lately about where I’m headed next. Is there any clear-cut path or formula?

    Looking on Instagram and Facebook it seems that everyone is confident in their post-graduation choices, whatever they may be.

    I feel that I am somewhere in between, applying for jobs but still unaware of my first step, and uncertain of the specifics of my future.

    For example, where do I want to live? What types of people do I want to surround myself with? Where do I want to work? More specifically, what type of work will fulfill me?

    The questions are normal, even necessary. But hearing about caterpillars, I realized something important about how I’ve been navigating my transition.

    I, along with many of my friends, have been envisioning my life thus far as having two separate stages: one during college and one after.

    The first stage we view as preparation. We feed ourselves with the tools necessary to grow, just as the caterpillar does. After college, we expect to become a butterfly. On top of this, we expect the transition to occur rapidly and effortlessly.

    Before I graduated, I had a lot of anxiety about remaining active and engaged after graduation. Looking back, I realize I was desperately scared that I’d lose myself—that the transition would seize the “me” I knew and morph me into some worse version. But what if these fears ended up being more dangerous to my growth than the transition itself?

    When I view this period of time as my black box, instead of feeling anxious that I will lose myself, I feel excited by the opportunity to rebuild.

    I trust that whatever is contained within the black box, is still “me.” So what if it gets a little gooey? Times of transition are meant to be gooey; we are meant to settle into ambiguity before we are able to achieve clarity.

    This mentality has helped me to take positive action toward starting on my new path.

    This doesn’t mean it’s easy. My identity is undergoing a breakdown of boundaries. It can be scary.

    I do fear on some level that, like the caterpillar turning to goo, I will lose everything that defined me, other than DNA, of course. But however scary, it can be more fruitful to spend time in the black box than to rush the process of becoming a butterfly.

    During a time of transition, it’s important to give yourself space and time to break yourself down and settle into the uncertainty of the moment, to take a pause before stepping forward.

    Maybe the caterpillar has it right. Before becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar loses all structural integrity; he does not fight to keep his body as it was. Nor does he entirely disappear.

    Instead, he changes form, while maintaining essential parts of his former identity. In the end, he builds himself back up as a better version of himself, this time graced with a pair of wings, and poised for flight.

    I am confident that after time in the black box, I will emerge more capable, more mindful, and more me.

    If you are also in a black box, having just completed one phase while preparing for another, know that nature provides these spaces for a reason.

    These periods of transition, with all of their anxiety and ambiguity, are critical to our growth. There are times in our lives when the best place to be is inside the black box.

    Woman with butterfly image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking and Creating a Happy Mind and Life

    Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking and Creating a Happy Mind and Life

    Happy Brain

    “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~George Addair

    My parents were teenagers when they had their first of three children. I was the middle child. They were uneducated, poor, and had very difficult upbringings.

    As I recall my childhood, most of what I remember is how fearful both of my parents were.

    They were constantly stressed out about money, the kids, the tattered house, the rusty car, and everything else in their lives.

    My mother, my first role model, was so scared of the world. She definitely had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. She was afraid to drive a car, afraid to eat in restaurants, afraid to go shopping, afraid of strangers.

    She was completely crippled by fear.

    In order to cope with all their anxiety, my parents often turned to binge drinking and smoking.

    I remember watching the cigarette smoke form a thick haze throughout the house. My siblings and I had no choice but to inhale the second-hand smoke every day. Even our clothes and school books smelled like an ashtray.

    I hated to see them drink because it often led to angry outbursts.

    Throughout my childhood, I witnessed many painful and sometimes tragic events. My parents’ reaction to such events was always overdramatized and downright scary at times. They never knew how to cope in a civilized or peaceful manner.

    Needless to say, my childhood was filled to the brim with fearful experiences.

    I desperately wanted to free myself from all the pain and fear. I just wanted to break free and be happy.

    I vividly recall, at the age of eleven, making a promise to myself that I would do my best to get out of that mess. I knew my only escape route would be to study hard, go to university on student loans, and get a good job.

    I locked myself in my bedroom, wearing sound blocking earmuffs, and studied every day until I graduated from university at the age of twenty-three.

    Graduation day was one of the best days of my life. I finally got my ticket to freedom and happiness. At least, that was what I thought….

    After that, everything fell neatly into place. I got a good job, got married, bought a nice house, and had two beautiful children.

    But, despite all of these wonderful external experiences, I hadn’t escaped the clutch of fear. It was like a leech from childhood that wouldn’t let go.

    I often cursed my parents for saturating me with such fear.

    I made sure to hide it, especially from my loved ones and coworkers. I didn’t want my children to suffer like I did, and I didn’t want my employer or coworkers to see my weakness.

    But the fear was building. It was starting to beat me up. I wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer.

    I had to figure out how to deal with this fear, and I had to do it fast.

    My heart and soul told me to dive deeply into the spiritual aspect of life.

    I diligently consumed a huge amount of spiritual/self-help/philosophical literature, attended numerous classes and retreats, and faithfully practiced much of what I had learned.

    I was enthralled by it all and genuinely excited. This world wisdom resonated to the core of my being.

    I finally found the tools necessary to help catapult me to the other side of fear.

    Over the past several years I’ve adopted many spiritual practices. They have not only helped me deal with fear, but have improved every aspect of my life.

    Here are the top lessons I’ve learned:

    1. The present moment is powerful.

    There is so much clarity, peace, and joy in the present moment. To truly let go of the past and stop fearing the future is liberating. It’s the doorway to freedom.

    Daily meditation is one of the best ways to fully experience the present moment.

    I have a handful of meditation techniques in my toolbox, but I often resort to simple breath meditation for thirty minutes a day to help ground me in the present moment. As well, I practice mindfulness daily.

    One way I practice is to eat mindfully for one meal each day. I am fully present while I eat. I eat slowly and I engage my senses. I pay attention to how the food looks, tastes, and smells. I feel it in my mouth and how it settles in my body. I try to experience the food as though it was my first time ever tasting it. With such focus, I inevitably slip into the present moment.

    It doesn’t matter if you meditate, practice mindful eating, or turn any other daily activity into an opportunity for mindfulness; what matters is that you create time to practice living fully in the present moment.

    2. Awareness is essential.

    We are not what we think we are; we are not our thoughts. With this higher level of awareness, you can step outside of yourself and watch your mind as it races from one thought to another. And you can witness your habitual emotional reactions to those thoughts.

    You become the empowered watcher of your mind instead of being lost and entangled in the web of thoughts and emotions. You realize that you have a choice in how you react to your thoughts and feelings.

    To give you a more concrete description of what I’m talking about here, I will give you an example of how I use a higher level of awareness to deal with potentially stressful situations in everyday life.

    I had an important work project to complete and I started to feel overwhelmed because I thought I wouldn’t be able to meet my deadline.

    Rather than automatically defaulting back into my fearful feelings, thoughts, and reactions, I stopped myself immediately. I took a few slow deep breaths and focused on the sensations of my breathing. This helped me connect with the present moment and offered space between my thoughts and my actions.

    Then, I spoke statements to myself that made me feel better, including: “It’s not the end of the world if I can’t finish this,” “My boss knows I’m a good worker and he may extend the deadline,” and “If I take a few minutes to relax my mind, I will work more productively.”

    The simple acts of stopping myself, focusing on my breath, and talking positively to myself brought me to a higher level of awareness. I realized I had a choice in how I could think and react. Within a few minutes I calmed myself down completely and I successfully finished the project on time.

    3. Happiness is within.

    All of the great spiritual teachers, masters, and philosophers of the world share the same message that happiness cannot be found outside of us, in the external world. There is no person, place, material possession, or amount of money that will bring you true, lasting happiness.

    Rather, happiness is found within. You have to spend time taking care of yourself and closely evaluating what makes you feel happy. It will vary from person to person.

    My first encounter with true inner happiness occurred during meditation. I had been practicing for about a year at that point.

    As I sat in stillness, I felt myself gently go beyond the tangle of thoughts and emotions. I shifted from a baseline of worry to a feeling of peace and happiness. It was wonderful. I finally tapped into a state of consciousness that was hiding inside of me my whole life.

    I also feel happier inside when I eat well, exercise, sleep well, practice gratitude, spend time with loving friends and family, and listen to uplifting music.

    Shift your focus from externals and you’ll be better equipped to identify the little things that bring you peace and joy.

    Final Thoughts

    I was dumped into the depths of fear when I arrived on this planet. But with courage, focus, belief, and desire I ploughed myself a path to happiness.

    My life today is quite the opposite to that of my childhood. Now, I enjoy my life. I appreciate and love my family, friends, and the life I have built.

    Please don’t get me wrong—my life has its challenges. Challenges are a normal part of human existence.

    But now, I have the tools necessary to prevent myself from defaulting back to my old, habitual, negative, and fearful way of thinking. Instead, I try my best to focus on the good in life and consistently reach for the valuable lessons in every difficulty.

    Today, when I look back at my childhood, I feel love and forgiveness toward my parents. I now realize that they tried their best from where they stood. They were just human beings lost in the whirlwind of fear and struggle.

    In fact, without my childhood, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I feel that my childhood clearly showed me what I didn’t want and, in turn, it forced me to focus on what I really wanted in life, what we all want—to be happy.

    Happy brain image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Simple Ways to Ease Your Anxiety Today

    10 Simple Ways to Ease Your Anxiety Today

    Peaceful Woman

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As an almost recovered anxiety sufferer I know what it’s like to feel stressed, out of sorts, desperate, and unlike yourself. I know what panic attacks feel like; I’ve had many. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.

    Anxiety can be debilitating and affect every area of your day-to-day life.

    I remember about four years ago, when I was feeling so overwhelmed and anxious I could barely leave my house. I had three young children at the time. It was all I could do to get through each day.

    Just making meals for my little family felt like more than I could handle.

    I remember at lunchtime I was putting together peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for probably the seventh day in a row and I stood there thinking, what on earth is wrong with me? This is not the Hannah that I know! I’m not this person. How did I get here!?

    I slinked down to the floor and broke into tears, as I was filled with guilt about how I wasn’t being the wife and mother I should be. The light was streaming in the window, shining onto our tile floor, filled with crumbs and ants. I couldn’t remember the last time I had swept.

    As the days, months, and years passed by I have learned many lessons, and I continue to learn lessons on a daily basis. I’m human. I still have anxious days but I now realize that they will pass.  

    I accept them.

    They don’t quite sting as bad as they used to.

    You have to keep going. You have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that it won’t be like this forever. Remember that about one in five people feel the same way you do.

    Thankfully, I have gone through this, because it has pushed me to learn about so many facets of health that I never would have been interested in otherwise. I’m stronger in the long run. You will be too.

    I’ve learned that we need to make self-care a priority. Sometimes it can feel really uncomfortable to take time for us. To say no to others and put ourselves first, but we must.

    If we are to be able to give to others, we need to have something to give, whether that is time, love, or patience.

    Our society is so fast paced, hurried, and often stressful. We need to make every effort possible to slow down, take time to relax, and rejuvenate. We don’t naturally build these moments into our day enough, and if you don’t currently, now is the time to start.

    I would love to share ten simple ways you can ease your anxiety today. These are a few of the strategies that I personally practice daily.  

    1. Cut sugar from your diet.

    Sugar can wreak havoc on your health. It adds to the overall burden of stress to your body. Anyone who struggles with anxiety doesn’t need to be adding any extra stress. Sugar is also void of nutrients; during stress, your body needs whole, unprocessed food full of vitamins and minerals.

    2. Use lavender oil.

    Lavender oil has been used for centuries and it’s the most versatile essential oil. With a pleasing aroma and calming properties, it has a relaxing scent that calms the mind and body.

    Use lavender safely on your skin, rub on wrists, behind ears, a dot on your neck, and enjoy its scent. You can use a few drops in the bathtub or in the shower. At night I love to add a few drops to an Epsom salt footbath.

    3. Get to bed by 10:30.

    When you have anxiety, your stress levels are high and your nerves are frazzled. Lack of sleep just adds to the problem. Going to bed by 10:30 will give your body ample time to rest and repair itself and help calm your nervous system.

    By getting enough sleep you reduce cortisol levels and the overall burden placed on your body. Sometimes sleep alone can be the biggest help when it comes to healing anxiety.

    4. Practice yoga.

    As I’ve practiced yoga I’ve noticed a reduction in anxiety symptoms. Now I can’t live without it!

    Through yoga, you learn how to breathe deeply and effectively, which is great for stress reduction. You move your body gently and get some exercise without overexerting your body and stressing it out more.

    Yoga has also been the perfect beginning step to learn how to meditate. Through yoga, you learn to be still, move more slowly and intentionally throughout your day, and you learn to recognize where tension is in your body so you can work to relax those parts.

    5. Go for a walk/jog.

    Getting outside and taking a walk can work wonders for our moods by boosting serotonin, the good mood neurotransmitter. It also allows you to soak up some vitamin D, clear your brain, and get a fresh new perspective on life.

    If your body is up to it, you can go for a quick jog or run. Those who have dealt with long-term anxiety may notice that their body isn’t quite up to jogging or running yet.

    If you feel more depleted, frazzled, and stressed after you jog, especially if that feeling lasts for a couple days, be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself to that point yet. Take a step back and just allow yourself to move gently. Yoga, Pilates, and walking are all great alternatives.

    6. Journal.

    Writing in a journal can be very therapeutic. Just like venting to a good friend or a therapist, you can vent right onto the pages of your journal. But don’t forget to write down the positive too.

    Jot down a few things each day that you’re grateful for. Write about good things that happen. Write down things you want to see in your life that may not be there yet, but write them as if they’ve happened. Don’t worry that it isn’t technically true; it just isn’t true yet, but it can be!

    7. Keep track of your thoughts.

    We don’t always realize how much our thoughts affect the way we feel and how often we even think these negative damaging thoughts. For one day write down every negative thought you have, then flip them and write down the positive version.

    If you think, “I’m so tired, I never get enough sleep,” switch the thought and think, “I may be tired, but I won’t always feel this way, and I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.” This exercise can be very enlightening.

    8. Eat fermented foods.

    Research shows that the microbes in our guts communicate with our brains, and vice versa. Most of our digestive systems have been depleted of beneficial bacteria through repeated use of antibiotics, a poor diet of processed foods, environmental toxins, and stress.

    By eating fermented foods that are high in probiotic bacteria like kefir, fermented veggies, and kombucha, we are adding good bacteria back into our guts and improving our physical and mental health in the process. A recent article published talks about how sauerkraut can even help people with social anxiety. Very cool!

    9. Eat protein at every meal.

    People who struggle with anxiety can benefit from the blood sugar stabilizing effects of protein at each meal. According to some doctors we should be getting fifty to seventy-five grams of protein a day.

    Protein helps fill you up so you don’t have crazy blood sugar spikes throughout the day that can trigger anxiety and panic attacks. Start your day with protein (kefir, cottage cheese, eggs, full fat plain Greek yogurt topped with nuts and fruit) and continue the habit at each meal and snack.

    10. Read positive books.

    When you feel like you just can’t muster a positive attitude on your own, lean on someone else’s positive vibes. Books like, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, and Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin are among my favorites.

    Journal your favorite phrases from these books so you can look back at them daily. Never underestimate the power of a positive book.

    I hope these simple suggestions can help you in your recovery process from anxiety. Try them all and see which ones work best for you, and implement them daily.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Steps to Coming Back To Life After Hitting Rock Bottom

    5 Steps to Coming Back To Life After Hitting Rock Bottom

    Reborn

    “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Living through the past several years of my life has been a humbling experience. I guess I shouldn’t say I lived through those years. I existed.

    Through those years, life threw me punch after punch. I suffered through public shaming and online bullying, was crippled for six months with devastating anxiety and depression, gained fifty pounds, lost a lucrative job, and saw my marriage crumble before my eyes.

    I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard.

    The thing is, nobody ever tells you how to deal with extreme failure in life. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. My family knew I needed help, but I knew nobody could pull me out of this tailspin.

    I had to do it myself.

    Unfortunately, for four full years I did nothing. I let the punches hit me time and time again until I actually felt numb to them. I did the worst thing you could do; I came to expect the failures, and with that expectation I kept failing.

    It wasn’t until recently that I started to wake up from the fog and realize that I had to take back my life. I did just that by going through the following five steps.

    1. Feel the pain.

    After the public shaming and online bullying, I took Xanax to cope. If you know anything about Xanax you know it numbs your feelings so you don’t have to feel them. At the time it was honestly a life saver, but I began to use it as a crutch even when the anxiety started to fade.

    One day I finally quit the Xanax cold turkey just to see what would happen, and you know what? I lived. The drugged fog was gone and I started to feel life again.

    Now, I’m not saying you should quit your medicine if it’s medically necessary. For me it was for a while, but once I could stand on my own I had to let it go in order to jump back into life. I immediately felt all the feelings I’d been hiding, from extreme vulnerability, to fear, to frustration and anger.

    I was slammed with these feelings, and they swirled around me like bees ready to sting. But I knew they were honest and true and that somehow if I felt them and let them be heard, they’d go away in time.

    And they did. For the most part. I still feel them every once in a while, but once I felt them fully, it’s as if they knew they had done their job and then left me alone.

    Their job was to wake me up to something more, to a new path, and that’s just what they did.

    2. Practice self-compassion.

    After I gave myself permission to feel and face the pain, I now had to make peace with and accept what had happened to me. The one way I did this was by practicing self-compassion. This has nothing to do with increasing your self-esteem, by the way.

    In her TED Talk titled “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion,” Kristin Neff explains that self-esteem can be detrimental, because it’s a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person in comparison to others. It creates a narcissistic attitude.

    Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem, as it creates a compassionate attitude through relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all.

    But, how was I supposed to move in to a space of relating to myself kindly when I’d gone through years of doing the opposite? I started a daily practice of nonjudgmental reflection. And I did this just by starting to reframe my thoughts.

    Reframing our thoughts involves identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive or helpful thoughts. If you have a negative thought like, “I’m not worthy of love,” you can do the following to reframe it:

    • Ask yourself what activity or action led to that thought. For example, “I’m going through a nasty divorce.”
    • Write down evidence that supports that thought. For example, “My husband said he didn’t love me anymore.”
    • Write down evidence that doesn’t support that thought. For example, “I have many friends and family that love me.”
    • Come up with a more positive thought. For example, “While I have struggled with this past relationship, that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love or will not find a loving, supportive relationship in the future.”

    Reframing my thoughts is an amazing practice that not only allowed me to practice acceptance of what had happened to me, but allowed me to move forward with a more positive attitude.

    3. Take responsibility for your life.

    During these difficult years of my life I felt a lot of self-pity because I felt like life was happening to me rather than realizing I had given up control of my life. In fact, all the major decisions for my life were made by my husband at the time.

    I gave up my power to someone else. Not a smart thing to do.

    I had to take responsibility for my actions in life because only then was I able to change things for the better. If you take responsibility, you take control. You take control and your life can finally become what you want it to become.

    One of the side effects of taking control was gaining freedom. I finally had the chance to make my own decisions and do what I wanted. It was scary at first having full responsibility of my life, but it opened my eyes to a whole new world I wanted to be a part of and it gave me options I didn’t know I had.

    4. Find your home again.

    When you fail, especially when you fail miserably, to return from that failure you must find your home again.

    According to Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame, in her TED talk titled “Success, Failure, And The Drive To Keep Creating,” your home is anything that you love more than yourself. Your home is that thing to which you can dedicate your energies with such singular devotion that the ultimate results become inconsequential.

    For me that was writing. Even though I haven’t found mega success with writing, it’s something that I’m driven to do and results are now inconsequential to me.

    If people love my work, then wonderful, I’ve connected with someone. If not, that’s still alright with me because I just love doing it. It makes me feel alive again.

    5. Share yourself with the world.

    I decided not to keep my “home” to myself, even though I easily could have. I created a blog to share my work with whoever felt drawn to read it. It’s made me feel quite vulnerable again, but it honestly feels very good to share and I feel like I’ve come out of hiding and am being seen again.

    And that’s the one big point I want to make. It’s important to share your “home” with the world because it’s your gift. Share it whether people love you for it or hate you for it, share it whether you’re a novice or an expert.

    It will bring you out of hiding, out of self-pity, and out of self-loathing, because you won’t be focused only on yourself anymore. You’ll be focused on something external.

    And the magical thing about sharing your gift is it will connect you. It will connect you to the world again, to the people who come in contact with your gift, to the people who get your gift, and most importantly, it will connect you with you again.

    Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Ways to Free Yourself from Social Anxiety and Shyness

    6 Ways to Free Yourself from Social Anxiety and Shyness

    “Don’t hide yourself. Stand up, keep your head high, and show them what you got!” ~ Joe Mari Fadrigalan

    Do you struggle with social anxiety or shyness?

    Is this anxiety affecting multiple areas of your life?

    Are you yearning to break free from feeling isolated?

    Like many people, I was shy as a kid. But I wasn’t just shy—I was painfully shy. I would avoid social situations like the plague. And I barely spoke because I stuttered.

    My shyness followed me well into adulthood. I stayed away from social situations, fearing the embarrassment of stumbling in my speech. But even as my speech improved, I was always on guard and still felt awkward in social settings.

    Then, I met a man who helped me change how I approached my fears. Tom had a stutter much more severe than mine, but it did not stop him from interacting with people. I was amazed by his courage and seeming lack of self-concern as he introduced himself to me.

    We chatted for a bit, and he left an impression on me that I would never forget. He couldn’t stop his stutter, but he wouldn’t let it stop him from talking.

    Reflecting on this experience taught me some valuable lessons about how to overcome shyness. These can work for you too (even if you don’t stutter):

    1. Acknowledge the fear.

    A common fear for shy people is the fear of what others may think about them. For me, my concern was the way I spoke. But it could be something else, such as a concern over your physical features or intelligence.

    Tom could have easily been afraid of how he appeared to me as he introduced himself. If he was, it didn’t stop him from engaging me in conversation. I knew that to follow his example, I would first need to acknowledge my own fears of how I appeared to others when I spoke.

    You may be tempted to discount your feelings or try to ignore them. But the more you try, the more the anxiety grows. The first step to freedom is to acknowledge the fear, as silly or inconsequential as that seems.

    When you do, something interesting will happen; you’ll realize that you’re likely more concerned about your own quirks than other people are. This will give you the strength and courage to begin moving past them.

    2. Accept embarrassment.

    Yes, it’s painful. Nobody likes to embarrass themselves in public, but it will happen.

    As a stutterer, I’ve felt incredibly embarrassed because of my speech on many occasions. I would be flowing along as I spoke only to be hit with blocked speech. Some episodes were so bad that I would appear to be suffering from convulsions.

    Needless to say, this made me wary of speaking in public; I was too afraid of embarrassing myself. But Tom didn’t seem to have this problem at all. It made me wonder, “What if I accepted the potential for embarrassment rather than hide from it?”

    The more I opened up myself to potentially embarrassing situations, the more courageous and resilient I felt.

    This can happen to you too if you are willing to experience the greatest fear holding you back from interacting with other people.

    Think about the worst-case scenario. Is it a life or death situation? If not, you will recover, and you’ll be stronger for it. You’ll more easily enter conversations rather than sit on the sidelines.

    3. Challenge your perceptions.

    We place many unreasonable expectations on ourselves when entering social interactions. Somehow, we believe that social conventions call for a person to be highly intelligent, witty, and entertaining in all their conversations.

    I tried to be all these things to all people in the past—and I failed miserably because I was not being myself. I was trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Instead of choosing to be fluent or silent, Tom chose to be himself.

    His powerful example caused me to ask myself, “Would I hold others to the same ridiculous standards I was holding myself to?” Probably not.

    Do you believe you need to be intelligent, witty, and entertaining in all your social interactions? Challenge those perceptions.

    Most people can see right through fake encounters. Just be yourself. People will appreciate you for who you are. And if they don’t, you’ll likely never see them again (or won’t see them for a long time). So, don’t worry about it.

    4. Focus on others.

    As I chatted with Tom, I noticed how much he encouraged me to talk about myself. I got the impression that he was sincerely interested in me and my story.

    He helped me realize how hyper-focused I was on myself and on what others might (or might not) think about me. To break the spell of self-absorption, I needed to focus on helping others.

    When I stepped outside of my own world, I could see that other people had similar fears about what others thought of them. This caused a big shift in my thinking.

    Rather than struggling to put myself at ease, I focused on helping others feel at ease with welcoming words and a warm smile. I learned to listen to them attentively and be genuinely interested in what they had to say.

    The next time you’re tempted to withdraw from conversation, remember this sage advice from Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People:

    “So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

    This step is almost guaranteed to put them, and you, at ease.

    5. Start small.

    Sometimes, we think that to overcome our shyness, we need to do big things—like speak in front of hundreds of people or start a conversation with every person we meet.

    Tom didn’t try to make long speeches. His sentences were brief and to the point. I began to model his behavior by using fewer and simpler words. Over time, I became more comfortable with speaking at greater length.

    You can start to overcome shyness by taking action in small ways. If groups of three or more seem too daunting, try introducing yourself to a person who may be looking for some company. If making eye contact seems too hard right now, try focusing on another area close to their eyes rather than looking down.

    You’ll begin to make progress, and before you know it, you’ll become more confident in larger social settings.

    6. Practice self-compassion.

    Overcoming social anxiety will not be easy, and you’ll have times when you’ll slip back into old habits. My stutter has greatly lessened over the years. But sometimes it comes back with a vengeance whenever I’m anxious or tired. Or sometimes it just happens randomly.

    Sometimes I avoid social situations when my confidence is low. When I am tempted to get angry with myself for falling short, I remember how patient Tom was with himself as he struggled to speak. He didn’t get angry. He simply took a minute to regain his composure and try again.

    I remember that I, too, can become more kind and patient with myself when my fear of social interaction returns.

    If you’re struggling with setbacks also, practice self-compassion. Be patient and kind with yourself on your journey to freedom. Don’t be tempted to give in when you’re feeling down.

    You Have More Courage Than You Think

    Until now, you may have allowed your shyness to hold you back from meeting people in social settings.

    You mistakenly thought you weren’t interesting enough, important enough, or courageous enough to be in the company of others.

    You’ve been in a state of self-imposed exile.

    But you have more courage than you think.

    It’s time to step outside your shell. It’s time to exercise your courage. It’s time to stand up so others can know and appreciate you for who you are.

    The sheer power of your presence may make someone’s day or even change their life (and yours) for the better.

    Anxious man image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Powerful Mantras to Help You Deal with Fear and Anxiety

    4 Powerful Mantras to Help You Deal with Fear and Anxiety

    Peaceful Woman

    “Trust that, when you are not holding yourself together so tightly, you will not fall apart. Trust that it is more important to fulfill your authentic desires than listen to your fears. Trust that your intuition is leading you somewhere. Trust that the flow of life contains you, is bigger than you, and will take care of you—if you let it.” ~Vironika Tugaleva

    Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But a year ago marked my first full-blown panic attack.

    As is common with first-time panic attacks, I had no idea what was happening to me, landing myself in the emergency room several times and visiting numerous doctors before a diagnosis of panic disorder was offered.

    Anxiety can cause you to feel like you are dying. Rapid heartbeat, shaking, confusion, shortness of breath, a feeling of impending doom, and a sense of unreality are just a few of the horrifying symptoms of intense fear.

    Continually worried about when the next attack would present itself, I lived in a state of constant anxiety.

    I started avoiding all the places that could possibly trigger an attack, including grocery stores, social gatherings, and even my place of work. My life went from being filled with adventure to being very, very confined.

    Anxiety was literally trapping me inside myself.

    As my life spiraled out of control, I realized that I was doing anything and everything to avoid the fear. I was afraid of the fear. Instead of riding through the sensations, allowing them to be in my body, I was pushing and squirming against them.

    I knew I had to find a way to ride the attacks through.

    I started adopting mantras, words, or phrases that carry spiritual significance, to repeat to myself during intense moments of anxiety, and I found that my ability to handle the attacks grew. The mantras served as a vessel to carry me through the stormy waters.

    Here are some of the mantras I found most effective in leading me through fear and anxiety.

    1. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

    This phrase, originally coined by author Susan Jeffers, was a beautiful lesson for me in allowing the sensations of fear to live in my body.

    Whenever I would finally convince myself to venture out to the grocery store, I would immediately find my heart quickening, my throat tightening, and my vision getting blurry. As I walked down the aisles, all I wanted to do was bolt to the car and drive home to “safety.”

    But I just kept repeating, feel the fear and do it anyway.

    In other words, let fear be here. You can still do whatever it is you need to do with fear present.

    This mantra can apply not only to panic attacks, but any situation where anxiety may limit us, like starting a new job or moving on from an unhealthy relationship or talking to a stranger. Our initial tendency is to avoid these situations where fear arises. It’s so much easier to not accept the new job because we’re scared.

    But if we can learn to allow the sensations of fear to be what they are, we can do it anyway. We can do anything we desire, because we aren’t giving fear permission to stop us anymore.

    2. Other people feel this too.

    Often, I found myself feeling isolated and alone in my emotions and struggles. Here I was struggling to drive myself down the street without panicking, when the people around me seemed so at ease.

    But after adopting this mantra, I started realizing that whatever it is fear makes us feel—whether it be sadness, jealousy, guilt, hopelessness, anger, distrust, unworthiness—other people feel this too. Even when I am in the midst of a panic attack, certain that I am going crazy or about to die, I tell myself that other people feel this too. I am not alone.

    This mantra also evoked compassion and empathy. Instead of focusing solely on my own struggles, I began shifting my attention to all the people who feel this pain, too. My thoughts then morphed from Why am I suffering? to May all beings be free from this suffering.

    3. Commit to love.

    Fear is a very powerful emotion, especially as it overtakes your body and mind at unrelenting speeds. But love is even more powerful than all the fear of the world combined.

    When an attack threatened to push me over the edge, I reminded myself over and over to commit to love. I can’t love myself fully when I am focused on fear. I can’t love others fully when I am focused on fear.

    Often, I was so preoccupied with my fear that I couldn’t hear what anyone around me was saying.

    Committing to love meant being present when my loved ones spoke instead of silently planning my escape routes from the restaurant. It meant forgiving myself when I couldn’t drive as far that day instead of increasing my fear with worries of having a set back.

    If I can come back to love, over and over, the fear just doesn’t have as much power. Yes, it is scary and yes, it seems so very real, but we’re not meant to live lives filled with fear. If we can commit to love, however often we might need to remind ourselves, fear doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. This too shall pass.

    This a phrase I’m sure we’ve all heard a million times. But it is one of the most powerful mantras I adopted for dealing with panic and anxiety.

    Anxiety has a way of making us feel like it will last forever, especially during the intense moments of an attack. The fearful thoughts swirling around in my head—What if this lasts forever? I can’t handle this if it doesn’t end—only added fuel to the fire.

    By reminding myself that this too shall pass, no matter how awful it may seem, I was able to allow more space for the fear to live.

    This too shall pass, so I can handle it while it is here.

    Even during the worst attacks of my life, when I absolutely thought I was a goner, the whisper of this too shall pass echoed in the background. Every attack ends. Anxiety may linger but it changes. It morphs from one second to the next, which means that we can handle each second as it comes because it will all be different in another.

    Ultimately, a mantra is most powerful when it is a phrase that truly speaks to your heart. Maybe it comes from a book you happened to open, or a close friend’s advice, or a relaxing yoga class.

    Anxiety is not easy to deal with, but we can take some of the power into our own hands by shifting our thoughts from fear to love and light. Many blessings.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    Growing up, I often felt emotionally overwhelmed, causing others to call me “too sensitive.”

    It was very clear to me from a young age that emotion was a sign of weakness, but try as I may, I couldn’t escape mine.

    I believed there was something wrong with me for feeling so deeply—that I was fundamentally bad because of it—then I felt bad about my inability to change.

    As the years went on and life got harder and more complex, I struggled with severe anxiety and depression. I wasn’t equipped with the tools to manage the natural emotions I felt after others mistreated me, so instead, I learned to numb them.

    I numbed them with food, alcohol, and men, to name a few crutches, but my efforts often backfired.

    With so much pain repressed under layers of fear and shame, I often exploded in hysterics after one drink too many, unleashing on some defenseless friend or boyfriend a dramatic story of anguish and an eruption of despair.

    Coupled with the aftermath of bullying, this tendency to lose control of my emotions led me to fear social situations.

    Even if I didn’t drink—which I often did, to ease my anxiety—I couldn’t be certain something wouldn’t trigger painful feelings and I wouldn’t embarrass myself with my response.

    What if I obsessed and looked neurotic? What if I attacked and looked combative? What if I cried and looked unstable?

    Judgment seemed inevitable—from others and myself—but even worse I’d have to hear three seemingly patronizing words: let it go.

    As if it were that easy. As if I could just roll all my feelings into a neat little snowball and toss it out into the distance.

    I felt this was incredibly insensitive—that someone who clearly didn’t understand the depth of my pain would suggest that moving beyond it was as simple as “letting it go.”

    As if “letting it go” was an easy, one-time decision, like pulling off a Band-Aid.

    “Let it go” seemed like advice from the disinterested and lazy. At least, that’s what I thought back then.

    After spending years of my life trapped in a maze of disempowering stories, I’ve realized dwelling, complaining, and analyzing my life does very little to help my emotional state.

    I now know I don’t need to be a prisoner inside my own mind.

    I can’t help that I’m emotionally sensitive—and having leveraged my sensitivity to create this site, I now know I wouldn’t want to change that—but I can choose not to keep myself miserable and stuck.

    It turns out “let it go” is pretty helpful advice. But it’s such an abstract concept. What I wished someone told me back then was how.

    How do you let go of anger when your first thought in the morning, the last one at night, and the majority of the ones in between revolve around how you were hurt?

    How do you let go of resentment when it feels like you’ll never be able to change the things that you resent?

    How do you let go of frustration when you feel stuck, stagnant, and completely powerless to change it?

    How do you let go of worries when even the thought of letting them go fills you with worry?

    And how do you let go of your disappointment with yourself when you try your best to “just let it go” and continually struggle to do it?

    I’ve devoted much of the last decade to studying the art of letting go—a skill that’s helpful to all of us, not just those of us who are highly sensitive people.

    In this time, I’ve learned a few things that help with all disempowering emotions and a few things to address some of the specific ones that are the most difficult to release.

    In my new 54-page eBook, Letting Go of Difficult Emotions, I’ve tackled them one by one, addressing how to let go of:

    • Anger
    • Resentment
    • Frustration
    • Anxiety
    • Self-Judgment

    Each section offers a few simple things you can do to release the feelings, come back to the present moment, and find a sense of peace.

    And best of all, I’ve decided to release this eBook with a “name your price” model. The suggested payment is $10; however, you can pay as little as $1 or give more than that, if you’ve gotten a lot from Tiny Buddha and would like to give more back.

    [gravityform id=”10″ title=”false” description=”false”]

    I hope you find this eBook helpful, and I welcome any feedback at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.

  • 7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    Strong, Confident Woman

    “Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.” ~Bernie S. Siegel

    I’d been having mild pain for about a week—a consistent, dull ache in the center of my chest.

    I’m thirty-nine years old with no personal history of heart disease, or of anything else for that matter. Worry hadn’t yet consumed me, but I was keeping an eye on the pain to see if it got better or worse.

    Once a week I drive ninety Los Angeles miles round trip for work. I say “Los Angeles” miles because I should theoretically be able to make the journey there and back in just over two hours, but it can take up to five, since I spend almost the entire commute on the perpetually traffic-ensnarled 405 freeway.

    It was during this commute that the pain began to feel more intense. I thought my left hand felt tingly. My mind, always a little bit anxious when driving in LA, ratcheted up the worry ten-fold.

    I envisioned having a full-on heart attack while driving in rush hour traffic. I made a mental laundry list of the ensuing consequences, such as passing out and losing control of the car or what would happen to all of my debt if I died. Whose lives would be irrevocably changed for the worse?

    I managed to calm myself down enough to make it home, but once there my dutiful and pragmatic husband suggested a trip to the Emergency Room. I was in no shape to argue, and truthfully was grateful that he echoed my own escalating concern.

    During my visit to the ER and the subsequent overnight hospital stay, I had lots of opportunities to overreact and feel sorry for myself. I’m sure I did quite a bit of both. But I also saw it as an opportunity to remember and to practice some of the hard-won lessons I’ve learned over the years.

    1. The most important things in life are worth waiting for.

    It’s no surprise that the name for someone receiving medical care is the same as the word for tolerating delays without becoming annoyed or anxious.

    The ER was so busy the intake nurse joked that they must be running a special she didn’t know about. After taking my vitals and determining that I was not having a heart attack at that very moment, I was sent to the lobby where I waited for over five hours to be seen.

    I almost talked myself into leaving several times, convinced that if I really was experiencing something serious they would have seen me right away. But I have a family history of heart disease, and the pain wasn’t going away, so I opted to stay.

    It turns out that I (thankfully) don’t have a heart problem, but that was not for me to determine.

    In our modern age of instant gratification, exercising patience can be a real challenge, especially because we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want right away. But there’s a reason why people often say the most important things in life are worth waiting for—they are. Particularly when your well-being is at stake.

    2. A little kindness can go a long way.

    “Be nice to others and they will be nice to you” doesn’t always pan out, but when you’re in a busy hospital with doctors and nurses who are stretched to their limits and beyond, a little kindness goes a long way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm when necessary, but remember the person you’re talking to is a human being.

    Be respectful. In most cases, you’ll find that respect is reciprocated. Everyone has feelings, and most people are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have.

    3. What works for others may not work for you.

    If learned nothing else from this incident, it is that nitroglycerin is not my friend. Yes, nitro is a life-saving wonder drug that opens blood vessels so blood can continue to flow through damaged heart tissue. But if you are prone to migraine headaches as I am, taking a nitro tablet as a precaution is just plain awful.

    Nitroglycerin did nothing for my chest pain, but it did give me an instant, crushing headache that lingered for three days. If nitro is going to save my life, I will certainly take it. But if I’m taking it as a precaution, I will think twice in the future.

    There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Sometimes knowing what doesn’t work is just as important as knowing what does. It can literally save you a headache or two down the line.

    4. Happiness is being grateful for the small things.

    I was finally admitted to a room at 2AM, with a roommate restlessly snoring in the next bed.

    I felt dehydrated and a little nauseated from taking a cocktail of meds on an empty stomach. All I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could just eat a cracker, so I asked the nurse who brought me to my room if she could possibly bring me one.

    A few moments later she returned with not one, but eight crackers—and two cups of apple juice! I almost cried with relief and gratitude. I think I thanked her four times, which she seemed to appreciate.

    I also asked if she might have any earplugs, when I noticed a small box on the bedside table. It not only contained earplugs, but also a face mask, a book of crossword puzzles, a pencil, and—what felt like the best thing in the whole world—ChapStick! I actually squealed “OOO, CHAPSTICK!” out loud with delight.

    I gave a silent “thank you!” to the genius that thought to include ChapStick in that box while I slathered the stuff on my lips and downed the crackers and juice. I popped in the earplugs and fell asleep with lubricated lips and a stomach that was no longer doing gymnastics.

    It’s the small things, people. Finding joy in the seemingly insignificant moments and the small gifts is how to find happiness every day, even in the most trying circumstances. I think the choice to be happy is one of the most transformational decisions a person can ever make.

    5. Laughter is the best medicine.

    I did not sleep well that night. The earplugs didn’t really help to cancel out the various noises coming from my roommate, including the spa piano music she was playing to help her sleep.

    But as I lay there listening to her snore, she suddenly blurted out in a thick Polish accent, “Wrong chef!” She then mumbled something under her breath and continued the buzz saw serenade. I laughed out loud, wondering what she could possibly be dreaming about.

    Amusing things happen every day. Don’t get so caught up in the serious moments that you can’t have a laugh or two. Studies show laughter actually improves health, and will most certainly lighten your mood.

    6. We could all use a little compassion.

    While it could have been easy to be seriously annoyed by my roommate, I chose instead to practice compassion. Yes, she was an obstacle preventing me from getting rest. But she was also in the hospital because she wasn’t feeling well.

    Couldn’t we all use a little extra compassion from others when we aren’t feeling our best? Letting go of my irritation not only allowed her to continue doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do in order to feel better, it actually made me feel better.

    One night of poor sleep isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being compassionate is.

    7. Now is the time to prepare.

    There really is no feeling worse than knowing you are woefully underprepared for serious circumstances.

    This isn’t to say you should be constantly worrying about the future, but having the courage to face the inevitable consequence of life (which is, of course, death), can mitigate much of that worry. I don’t want my loved ones to be left in the lurch with my passing.

    It’s finally time to admit that I’m a grown-up and I need to act like one, which means obtaining life insurance so my family doesn’t find themselves saddled with financial responsibility they aren’t prepared to handle when I’m gone.

    —

    Sometimes it takes big, scary moments to remind us that the quality of our lives is not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to those experiences.

    Why wait until you’re confronted with a serious situation to adopt one or more of these behaviors? Not only will it make your daily life richer and more meaningful, but it’ll also give you the tools you need to survive and thrive when life takes an unexpected turn.

    Strong, confident woman image via Shutterstock

  • Freeing Yourself from Fear: 4 Lessons from Anxiety

    Freeing Yourself from Fear: 4 Lessons from Anxiety

    Peace of Mind

    “The only journey is the one within.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    Out of nowhere, my heart starts to speed up. I can’t get a deep breath; it feels like I’m slowly suffocating.

    My throat and chest start to hurt, I suddenly feel weak, and my thoughts race through my mind. A desperate feeling comes over me. I lose control, can’t think straight, and can’t stop shaking. I feel restless and don’t know what to do to feel better. And suddenly, this feeling fades away.

    Afterward, I feel a little depressed, confused, and tired. Sometimes I cry; sometimes I just sit on the side of my bed, staring right in front of me. I may not fully understand why I just went through this, but I know it was an anxiety attack.

    I’ve had anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I’m pretty sure why they happen (lots of stress, an argument with a family member, or just a bad day); most often I have no idea.

    Sometimes there are some warning signs (I feel touchy or overwhelmed or can’t breathe effortlessly), and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I know it’s not dangerous, so why does it feel like I’m in danger anyway?

    I know the theory; something happens, and that makes me scared (often, unconsciously). My body prepares the fight-or-flight response, adrenaline comes in my bloodstream, and that causes symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and tingling limbs.

    I don’t always recognize those feelings in my body because it often seems like there’s no reason for fear, which confuses me.

    After all these years and after countless anxiety attacks, I’ve learned to live with them as best as I can. Surprisingly, my anxiety attacks have been useful for me. Through them, I’ve learned four important lessons.

    1. Ask the right questions in life.

    When I was younger, I often asked myself why this happened to me. Why did anxiety ruin my life? Why did it make me feel terrible and insecure? Why me? But those questions didn’t really help me. They made me feel vulnerable, insecure, and unsatisfied with my life.

    Through the experience of anxiety, I’ve learned to ask helpful questions instead, such as: What can I learn in this situation? How am I going to grow through what happened? What could be my next step? How am I going to cope with my feelings? What can I do to make it better?

    These questions gave me direction and prevented me from getting stuck in my anxiety. Asking the right questions has helped me get through a lot of tough situations, like being jobless and dealing with relationship issues.

    2. Live in the moment.

    Life became unpredictable with all those anxiety attacks. I had so much to think about: Did it all happen because of something in my past? What would my future look like with all these fears? It didn’t make me feel happy, and caused a lot of stress.

    I realized I had to live in the moment to feel okay, so I decided to live in the here and now. Yoga and deep breathing helped me focus on the present so I was less likely to dwell on the past or worry about the future.

    I learned to enjoy the good moments and get through the bad ones as best I could without making them worse with my thinking.

    3. What’s really important?

    Anxiety attacks take a lot of energy, and often I felt tired afterward, so I had to carefully manage my energy. That brought me to the question: What’s really important in life?

    There were a few things that were important to me, such as spending time with my good friends and my pets, practicing yoga, and playing sports. They gave me energy, lifted me up, and made me happy, so I prioritized these.

    I also moved away from draining people and activities. The friend who always complained about everyone and everything is no longer part of my life. And I’m fine with that.

    4. Believe in yourself.

    My anxiety attacks made me feel insecure. I never felt like I was good enough or able to do simple things, like go out with friends or work in a foreign country. It took some time and therapy, but I started to see possibilities and worked hard to improve my self-confidence.

    Last year I took the step to go to France for a few months, and yes, I had some anxiety attacks. But I did it anyway and I had a great time. You can do so much more than you think if you believe in yourself.

    —

    I always thought anxiety kept me from reaching my goals and living a great life. I now realize it was me. I cried a lot of tears, but kept on fighting and gave myself countless chances to grow and develop.

    There are still times when my heart starts to speed up out of nowhere, but I know how to handle it now. My life is more than just fear. And yours is too.

    Peace of mind image via Shutterstock

  • May You Have Many Worries

    May You Have Many Worries

    Woman at Sunset

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My mother was what you might call a “professional worrier.” She worried with skill, power, and acumen.

    She could incisively hone in on the most seemingly benign situation and find within it some kernel of trouble to worry about. Money. Health. Household. Children. Travel. Work. You name it, she worried about it. A lot.

    That is until my father was diagnosed with cancer.

    When my father became ill, my mother changed radically, and apparently overnight. Faced with the potential of the greatest loss of her life, she found that she was suddenly free of the many worries that had plagued her for all those many years.

    In the wake of the most terrible news imaginable, the many troubles that had been burdening her suddenly fell away, like a heavy winter coat on an unexpectedly warm day. So, strangely and without warning, in the midst of a terrifying life-threatening crisis, my mother became a more light-hearted person.

    (more…)

  • Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    The Mindful Way Through StressUpdate – The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

    In my high school yearbook’s class prophecy, it was predicted that I would one day write and star in a one-woman show about my life called “Stress.”

    I was chronically frazzled—in a constant state of panic about everything I had to do and had already done but may not have done well enough.

    I overextended myself, took very little time to nurture my emotional and mental well-being, and frequently felt like I was about to snap.

    In fact, I even broke a stress ball once from excessive squeezing. It was made for that, but apparently not with the force in my freakishly strong little hand.

    Fortunately, I eventually discovered mindfulness, which was life-changing for me. It helped me step outside of my anxious thoughts so I could respond to life more consciously and calmly.

    Since I’ve been more stressed than usual as of late—and I’ve needed a reminder of how to effectively manage my emotions—I was thrilled to receive a copy of Shamash Alidina’s new book, The Mindful Way Through Stress.

    The subtitle promises a proven eight-week path to health, happiness, and well-being—and the book delivers!

    It’s clear that Shamash is not only an expert on mindfulness, but he’s also quite passionate about helping others respond wisely to life’s inevitably stressors instead of getting caught in a frenzy of reaction.

    I highly recommend The Mindful Way Through Stress to anyone who’d like to find more peace within the chaos of daily life.

    It is, hands down, the most helpful guide I’ve read in a long while, and one I will certainly reference whenever I need a little help dealing with life’s inevitable challenges.

    I’m grateful that Shamash took the time to provide some incredibly detailed answers to my questions about stress and mindfulness, and that he’s provided two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Mindful Way Through Stress http://bit.ly/1M3wBvL

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, March 6th.

    The Interview

     1. What brought you to your career as a mindfulness teacher and coach?

    I originally got interested due to stress. The stress for me when I was in college, aged twenty, came from a combination of workload and confusion.

    I didn’t know what to do. I was halfway though a degree that I didn’t enjoy (Chemical Engineering), and working toward a job I knew I didn’t want (working in the Oil Industry).

    Then, my fortunes changed. I came across a class in “practical philosophy” in which the teacher guided a short mindfulness meditation. I was pleasantly shocked!

    Just a short few minutes and I’d gone from feeling frazzled to focused. Wow! Why hadn’t anyone taught me this technique years ago?

    I resolved from that day on to teach mindfulness to as many children and adults that I could.

    I started by teaching in a school for eight years, where all the children had time to practice mindfulness and meditation. And then I moved on to focusing on just teaching adults mindfulness full-time.

    Training mindfulness teachers to embody both awareness and compassion, for themselves and their students, is my passion.

    2. Your book presents a self-help version of mindfulness-based stress reduction. Can you tell us a little about MBSR and how mindfulness helps with stress?

    Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction was developed in the late seventies by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues at UMASS Medical School. He asked his colleagues, doctors, to send him their most challenging patients—those that they felt they could no longer help using modern medicine.

    He put together an eight-week course, which comprised of guided meditations, mindful yoga stretches, and group dialogue around managing stress and living life in a mindful way.

    His experiments worked. The groups reported huge reduction not only in stress, but also reductions in anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, and a greater feeling of control of their lives.

    Even more encouragingly, these positive reports of stress reduction from patients continued even three years after they’d done the MBSR program.

    So naturally, MBSR began to spread, first, across the US and now, worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people have probably done the program now, if not millions.

    Stress is a complex subject, and so the path to relieving it is not straightforward. However, there’s a few key, powerful ways in which mindfulness can reduce stress.

    Mindfulness helps you to switch off your normal, habitual, automatic reactions to the stressors you face.

    If you’re living mindlessly, you don’t even know how stressed you are.

    A friend of mine recently started practicing mindfulness and has discovered his body is riddled in tension and is now slowly beginning to relax. Without mindfulness, he’d still be going around with this chronic tension in his body.

    So with mindfulness you can see if you’re getting excessively stressed early, and step out of that stream. You know how to rest your mind and body. Without mindfulness, you don’t have access to that.

    Mindfulness makes your brain more resilient to stress.

    People who have practiced mindfulness have brains that don’t seem to ruminate so much; they can spot negative, repetitive thinking earlier, and step out of it. Or sometimes, worries just don’t seem to take hold. Sounds good, doesn’t it?

    Mindfulness naturally engages the relaxation response in your body.

    This is a hard-wired system. By combining mindful awareness with a sense of warmth toward different sensations, emotions, or even situations in your life, the stress inevitably eases.

    You make fewer mistakes.

    If you’re rushing around mindlessly, you’re going to bump into a lot of things, both physically and metaphorically. So many of us are running through life, causing more problems as a result. The running is due to fear of missing out, or being imperfect.

    Mindfulness shows you how to access a peace within so you don’t have to run for it everywhere you go. By discovering a different way of operating, which everyone can do step-by-step, you meet life with greater calm, peace, joy, and freedom.

    But remember, stress by itself is not bad. Stress is a problem if it’s sustained for too long and feels like it’s too much for you. See the positive aspects of stress—how it energizes you and gets you going. Seeing stress negatively makes things worse.

    Make friends with stress! Stress is inevitable. Just use mindfulness to take regular breaks from your stress to recharge yourself. Then out you go again!

    3. What are the problems with living on autopilot?

    Living on autopilot is great for planes, but not for human beings.

    When we were babies and young children, we didn’t really live on autopilot. We lived each day fresh, alive, in the moment. That’s a natural way to be.

    But the human brain is clever. To save energy, rather than keeping your conscious, it switches off consciousness for any repeated activity.

    Eventually your whole life is one big autopilot experience. You’re like a robot. And this kind of living reduces your joy and freedom tremendously.

    The thing is, living consciously is so enjoyable once you discover how! The feeling of your own body is beautiful. Just experiencing sitting and breathing can be blissful.

    The present moment really is a wonderful moment once you discover how to penetrate the crust of thoughts that is pasted over everything.

    You can do it. Everyone can do it. You just need to create the right environment, follow the right instructions, and bring the right attitude—patience, kindness, curiosity, and allow the mindfulness and compassion to rise.

    Just as the sun rises in the morning, bringing light and warmth, so your life becomes a joy as mindfulness and compassion grow. By prioritizing mindfulness practice in your life, you can experience this.

    4. With our increasingly busy lives, many of us end up multitasking and feeling stressed as a result. How can we challenge this instinct to multitask without falling behind with everything we need to do?

    The busier you are, the slower you need to go. Watch people like the Dalai Lama—do you see him rushing around in a panic? Yet, he’s constantly teaching, coaching, serving. He’s probably much busier than you or me.

    The urge to multitask is powerful. And if you’re on autopilot, you’ve got no chance to release yourself from the hold of phones, computers, and tablets. In our digital age, mindfulness is essential to prevent you being swept in an ocean of information and people wanting to connect.

    Try small steps like keeping your digital devices out of the bedroom. Or keep them off in the evenings. But try and take a bigger step if you can—leave your phones behind on vacation. Take one day off every week totally free of multi-tasking. A digital detox day!

    Here’s one approach you can take to dealing with an excessively long to-do list:

    • Before going to bed, jot down all the key things you wish to complete the next day.
    • Prioritize them. What’s number 1? What’s number 2? Rewrite the tasks in the correct order. Put mindfulness at the top of the list!
    • The next day, resist the urge to check emails, Facebook messages, Twitter, etc. By resisting this urge, it diminishes. Just because you have a compulsion to check your messages, you don’t need to actually check them—they can wait.
    • Do the task you need to complete, in the order you set out. And write down the time you start and finish each task. Having a written record will help you to see how you’re really using your time. It’s more power than it sounds—do try it out!
    • Between tasks, practice mindfulness. Feel some breaths, go for a mindful walk, slowly and consciously drink a glass of water, or stretch. These breaks with rejuvenate you and make you finish your tasks sooner (so you have more time to meditate every day).

    5. You wrote, “Emotions are not problems to be solved. They are experiences to be felt.” Can you elaborate a little on this?

    This is a very important point to understand. Misunderstanding how to manage emotions is at the root of so much human suffering.

    Let’s take the example of feeling sad. If you’re feeling sad, what do you do? If you’re on autopilot, you try to fix it. You may think, “I must feel better.” So you go off and try and cheer yourself up. You don’t let yourself actually feel the sadness.

    Now, that may work or may not. If it works for you, great. But what if it doesn’t work? What if partying with your friends doesn’t make you feel better? Or calling your sister doesn’t seem to lift the mood?

    Well, your next thought will probably be, “Oh no. I’m still feeling sad. I must try something else. I must try harder.” Eventually, this turns into thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy.’

    All this is hard work. You work harder and harder to fix your mood. But that’s not what your emotion wants.

    Emotions need skillful awareness and care. Just like a young child needs attention and love to grow in a healthy way, so do emotions. So you need to feel the emotion.

    Feel the emotion in your body. Notice its shape, maybe its color or texture. And bring some feeling of care toward the feeling. Place your warm hand on the sensation. Breathe and feel the emotion.

    You can even speak gently to the emotion and ask, “What do want to say to me?”

    One of my students did this the other day, and the response was a clear: “Slow down!” She discovered that she needs to slow down the pace of her life or things will get worse. That’s wisdom in action.

    So emotions don’t need to be fixed or pushed away. They need to be gently felt—then they’ll dissolve and pass away in their own time.

    6. Why do we tend to dwell on the negative, and how can we challenge this instinct to minimize our stress?

    If you had a lovely day all day, but for one minute someone said to you, “You’re a complete idiot! You’re stupid, useless, and a waste of space!” then you’ll remember that. You’ll think about that much more than the thousands of other minutes that were absolutely lovely.

    That’s because our brains are evolved to be like Teflon for positive experiences and Velcro for negative experiences.

    Scientists think this focus on negativity, called negativity bias, is a way to ensure we survive—if you spotted a tiger on the way back to your cave, you need to be able to remember that! If not, next time you could be dinner!

    You’re probably not reading this blog in a jungle. So, you need to re-balance your brain. The solution: find your favorite daily way to focus on what’s going well in your life. This could be combined with your daily meditation practice.

    At the end of the practice, ask yourself, “What’s going well in my life?” Or, “What’s awesome about me?” Or, “How have I been a nice person today/yesterday/this week?”

    Ask yourself positive questions like those above, and they’ll draw positive thoughts and emotions from within you.

     7. What is one simple mindfulness exercise anyone can do whenever they’re feeling stressed?

    This is a powerful one for most people, originally developed by meditation teacher, Ajahn Brahm:

    • Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
    • Imagine you’re holding two heavy suitcases in your hand. The left one represents your past and all your experiences, both positive and the regrets. And the right one represents your future and all your hopes, dreams, worries, and anxieties.
    • Feel the weight of holding these bags around all day. It’s tiring. You need a break from time to time.
    • Lower down the bag in your left hand, onto the ground. Enjoy the feeling of letting go as the weight transfers to the ground.
    • Lower down the bag in your right hand, representing your future.
    • Enjoy staying in between the past and future, in the present moment. What a relief that is!
    • Connect with any present moment experience. Your body, your breath, sounds around you.
    • When you feel you’ve had a rest and ready to resume, you can re-engage in your everyday activities. Ideally with some more mindful awareness and kindness to yourself and those you meet.

    You can learn more about The Mindful Way Through Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying

    “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~Benjamin Franklin

    Have you every worried yourself to the point of emotional, even physical exhaustion?

    Do you often feel stuck, anxious, or mistrustful of the world around you?

    I know what it’s like to feel trapped by worry—in fact, I have always been a chronic worrier.

    I worried and obsessed mostly about the hypothetical, the imaginary, the infinite variety of “what-if” scenarios. Eventually, I convinced myself that if I worried about every conceivable thing that could go wrong in my life, I would either avoid them altogether or numb myself of their effects.

    As time went on and responsibilities increased, the worries intensified. I became anxious about raising my children well. I worried about money, career, and what people thought of me.

    Then one day, I experienced a mild panic attack. Feeling overwhelmed with all I needed to get done that day, I began to experience dizziness and intense feelings of fear.

    For a moment, I felt like I was living in an altered reality as my legs wobbled beneath me, and my heart pounded in my chest. I quickly found a private place to sit until the feelings passed.

    I knew this was a wake-up call. I needed to find ways to manage my worry and anxiety before it got worse.

    Over the years, I’ve found that embracing the following five truths stops worry from spiraling out of control:

    1. You are not your worry.

    For a long time, I did what most people who worry do—I tried to make it stop. I quickly learned that trying to block thoughts of worry was like trying to stop a river from flowing.

    I eventually learned a simple but profound truth that changed everything for me:

    You are not your emotions.

    This is the power of detachment. Not the detachment that tries to be stoic but the one that allows you to feel your emotions without identifying with them.

    I began to apply this by observing myself non-judgmentally as I worried. As I continued to observe myself, I learned to be at peace with my inability to stop worrisome thoughts. But I also learned that I could change my response to those worrying thoughts for the better. The same can be true for you.

    2. Worry cannot exist in the present.

    We rarely worry about problems we presently face. Worrying is a future-oriented activity fueled by uncertainty and anticipation.

    The truth of this realization was another game changer for me. As I reflected, I could see that all of my worries were about a future I could not control. What about the past? The only past events I worried about were the ones I feared would adversely affect my future.

    Want to avoid worry altogether? Stay in the now. I learned to do this through mindfulness meditation. A simple mindfulness technique is to focus on your breath when you begin to drift away from the present. Let each inhalation and exhalation ground you right where you are.

    3. Worry can be confined.

    If you’ve ever struggled with worry, you know that it can easily consume your entire day. This happened to me regularly. Once I learned to accept my worry, I decided to confine it rather than allow it free reign over my life. I would set aside a limited amount of time to allow my mind to worry intensely on its latest subject. At the end of that period, I would let it go.

    Want to confine your worry? Try scheduling ten to thirty minutes a day for worry. Use this time to visualize your anxious feelings, write them down, and come up with an action plan for dealing with the root causes of your worry. If the worry reappears outside this scheduled time, postpone it until the next worry period.

    4. You can give away your worry.

    Have you ever noticed that your worry intensifies the more you focus on yourself? In the past, I used my worry to draw myself inward. I focused on my own needs and ignored the needs of others. It rarely helped to reduce my worry.

    One of the things I learned by observing myself was my tendency to forget about my worries when I worried about other people and helped them with their needs. I let the onset of worry be a signal to call a lonely friend or spend time with a loved one. I learned to give my worry away.

    5. You are human.

    The greatest source of my worry was my attempt to be superhuman. I was trying to be all things to all people. I worried incessantly about what they thought of me. Instead of beating myself up for not living up to everyone’s expectations, I decided to embrace my limitedness. I cannot please everyone, and I am at peace with this truth.

    It’s Time to Take a Stand

    I know it might seem hard for you to integrate these tips, especially if, like most of us, you’ve struggled with a long-standing habit of coddling worry rather than openly challenging it.

    But you can break down this habit one step at a time. Imagine a life without the controlling effects of worry. A life where worry itself is controlled and confined. Imagine no longer being emotionally drained by worry so that you can be truly present to those you love.

    Stand up to worry. Today.

    Separate yourself from it. Confine it. And let it go.

  • 5 Vital Lessons for People Who Feel Like They’re Not Good Enough

    5 Vital Lessons for People Who Feel Like They’re Not Good Enough

    Sad Woman Behind Bars

    “What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?” ~Erin Hanson

    Like most people, my life has had its share of ups and downs.

    My household growing up could be best described as a roller coaster. There were times of excitement and happiness, then there was the plummeting into darkness, shame, and self-loathing.

    Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I felt that I was a mistake, unloved, and unwanted by my father. His mood swings and verbal abuse would come raging like a storm without any warning, and without any end in sight.

    He often told me that I wasn’t good enough and that I was the reason for all of his problems.

    I was often frightened to go home and face him. When my mother would have to go out of town, I would insist on staying with a friend because I didn’t feel safe being alone with him.

    I was extraordinarily lucky to have such a warm and loving mother that provided me the love and support I needed to keep going. Despite all of her good intentions and love, though, I still found myself falling into a deep hole of depression and severe anxiety.

    Some of the happier times that I remember from my childhood were the years that I was in gymnastics. It made me feel alive and free to express myself.

    However, that too slowly led to destruction, as soon I began competing. My obsessive need to please others caused me such significant levels of anxiety that I decided to quit. I was only twelve, and my dreams of becoming an elite gymnast were over. 

    Though it was a good decision to move on from that life, I was still left with this feeling of shame because I couldn’t mentally handle the pressure. I felt that I had let everyone down, including myself.

    Also, without this release, my anxiety levels continued to increase, leaving me feeling on edge and awkward in my social interactions.

    As I entered adolescence, I found it harder and harder to put myself out there, in fear that others would judge me. I worried that they would think I wasn’t good enough, cool enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.

    I eventually created this hard exterior to prevent people from getting in and knowing the real me.

    I believed for a long time that this wall was there to protect me; however, all it did was prevent me from building relationships with others, or even a relationship with myself.

    For many years I self-medicated in various ways to deal with the pain and to allow myself to let my guard down just enough to find a solid, small groups of friends.

    It wasn’t long before I became so depressed and anxious that my family doctor put me on medications to “fix me.” They numbed me so much, though, that I medicated myself on top of that to feel alive, which of course was a recipe for disaster.

    After years of taking these medications, I couldn’t function without them. I’m became so desperate to feel alive that I took myself off of them cold turkey. This was not a pleasant experience. I went through a period where I secluded myself away from my friends and family and fell back into old habits.

    I eventually managed to pull myself out of that hole after some intense therapy and self-reflection; however, I still struggled daily with my depression and anxiety.

    Fast forward several years, after I graduated from my Masters program, and I found myself happily married, spending time with my close knit friends again, and working daily on myself.

    I had finally cut out everything negative in my life except for chain-smoking cigarettes, and then I became pregnant with our first child.

    My husband and I were ecstatic, but making that final step to quit smoking so suddenly threw me for a loop. Since it wasn’t just me now, I made the decision to try something new, yoga.

    At first it was hard, boring, and frustrating. I didn’t get it. I kept going, though, and about the time I was six months pregnant I was finally getting the hang of it.

    I didn’t just like it; I loved it! It has been just over five years since I walked into that first yoga class, and I am so thankful for everything it has taught me.

    Here are the top five ways that I believe yoga has saved my sanity. It taught me that:

    1. Practice makes progress.

    For someone that struggles with perfectionism, this mantra has been a lifesaver.

    When I first started my practice, I felt frustrated because I couldn’t make my poses look like the advanced yogis in the room. The reality was that those yogis didn’t accomplish those moves in their first class. It took time, patience, and self-acceptance to get there, and those poses could continue to progress from there.

    There is no such thing as perfect but rather always room for growth. Striving for perfection is a no-win battle in all aspects of life, for perfection is a defining wall that we create in our own minds.

    2. We have to acknowledge our own successes.

    I have never been one to take compliments well. I doubted them and worried that they were insincere.

    Even as I became stronger in my practice, I didn’t feel secure enough to attempt difficult poses in a class full of people. I feared that someone would find flaws in them or think I was a show-off.

    It wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally decided to just go for it. Since I made that leap, I have been able to grow so much more in my confidence and praise for myself.

    If you can’t be proud of yourself, how can you expect others to be?

    3. We need to surround ourselves with positive, happy people.

    Ever heard of the phrase “You become who you surround yourself with”?

    The yoga community is filled with joy, support, and kindness everywhere you turn. Although I am still not the most outgoing or social person, I embrace the positive energy every day when I am in a yoga class.

    Everyone there has come there for a purpose—to better themselves. We all have our own stuff going on in our lives, but have taken a moment to come together and to take care of ourselves.

    4. We can conquer our fears.

    The first time I saw someone in crow pose, I convinced myself that I could never do something that difficult. I just knew I would fall on my face and everyone would laugh at me. I resisted even attempting it because I was scared of failure.

    The thing is, though, sometimes we have to fall to then pick ourselves back up and try again.

    Once I started practicing and finding success, I become braver every day on my mat and found that I could, in fact, accomplish much more than I ever believed I could. We are stronger than we think we are.

    5. It’s okay to let ourselves be vulnerable.

    There is a moment at the end of every yoga class when you lie on your mat in shavasana, with your eyes closed, and just breathe.

    The idea of surrendering yourself in a room full of strangers is terrifying. This pose has taken me forever to feel comfortable in. It taught me that it is okay and actually good for the body and mind to let it all go and just be. This is when you can find peace within yourself.

    —

    It has now been twenty years since I quit my gymnastics career, and I have finally found something that has allowed me to get that same sense of freedom that I once felt as a child.

    I know that every day after I finish my yoga class, I have let go of the enormous amount of tension that I constantly carry with me, and I feel content, relaxed, empowered, and proud of myself for what I have just accomplished.

    I truly believe that yoga has saved my sanity and taught me how to love and respect myself. But you don’t need to go to a yoga class to learn these lessons. You can make the choice to let go of the pressure, tackle your fears, and celebrate yourself for being bold, brave, and vulnerable.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock