Tag: anxiety
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Learn to Reduce Stress: Mindfulness eCourse by Thich Nhat Hanh
Stress can be overwhelming, and sometimes crippling.
Not only does stress suck the joy out of our days and keep us awake at night, it can also take a toll on our bodies.
Headaches, chest pain, digestive problems, hair loss—they’re all potential consequences of stress, not to mention serious conditions like heart disease and diabetes.
Then, of course, there are mental consequences. We feel anxious, restless, and irritable, and often scared and discouraged. Like there’s too much to do and we don’t have enough time or skills to do it.
Everything feels urgent, like life is a series of catastrophes to sidestep and fires to put out. It’s an exhausting way to live.
At least, it was for me.
And I knew I was creating a lot of problems for myself—that my stress stemmed not from my circumstances but rather how I chose to respond to them. Life felt like a ticking time bomb, but I was both the bomb squad and the madman holding the detonator.
To cope with this chronic tension, we often turn to quick fixes that actually create more problems than solutions. We shove it down with food, or spew it out with angry outbursts, or numb it with drugs and alcohol.
But it’s still there, bubbling below the surface, just waiting to erupt.
Life is always going to involve situations that we find stressful. We’ll lose jobs, loved ones, and eventually, our health. People will cross our boundaries, push our buttons, and leave us high and dry when we need them.
There will never be a time when life feels simple or easy.
We can choose to live in constant fight-or-flight mode, as if life is a string of crises; we can turn to Band-Aid behaviors to temporarily dull the pain; or we can take responsibility for learning a better way.
What is that better way? Mindfulness.
Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and our surrounding environment.
When we’re practicing mindfulness, we’re rooted in the present moment—not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
As a result, we’re able to reduce our own suffering and bring more joy and compassion to both ourselves and others.
To say that mindfulness has changed my life would be a massive understatement.
There was a time when I felt powerless to my overactive mind, and worse, I had no idea I was causing myself pain. I thought my response to adversity was the only possible one. I thought I had to be outraged, depressed, and anxious.
I still feel those feelings at times, but I now know how to observe them, learn from them, and release them so that they don’t consume me.
You can do the same, and I know just the course to get you started.
A while back, I connected with someone at Udemy
, a site that currently serves over 11 million students through more than 40,000 online courses.
They introduced me to a number of courses that might interest Tiny Buddha readers, including one entitled Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh
This master Buddhist monk teaches students how to release suffering and heal the body through mindfulness techniques like walking meditation and breathing meditation.
Thích Nhất Hạnh is a Zen master, scholar, poet, and peace activist. He’s written over sixty books and was nominated for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hahn’s course will help you learn to:
- Embrace suffering and move through it
- Ease anxiety and relieve tension about the future
- Use suffering to generate love and compassion
- Avoid sickness with mindful consumption
You will walk away from this course knowing how to meditate, reflect, transform, and make a positive impact on your environment.
As you may have gathered through reading the site, I am highly selective with what I choose to promote here. I pride myself on only sharing products, books, and courses I would personally recommend, and this program certainly fits that criteria.
All you need for this course is a computer or mobile device with an Internet connection. You don’t need any prior knowledge of Buddhism or meditation.
And as a bonus, Udemy has offered a 30% discount for Tiny Buddha readers, bringing the cost from $50 down to $35 (from now until July 1st).
If you’re tired of feeling mentally exhausted, Thich Nhat Hanh’s course may be just what you need to find peace. You can learn more about Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh here.
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Continue your quest for knowledge with Udemy
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a percentage of all sales. Posts like these help support the site and keep it going.
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How to Deal with Depression and Anxiety: 10 Lessons from a Lake
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” ~Viktor Frankl
Low moods can roll in like a numbing wave, washing out the pleasure from life.
If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone. Surveys have shown that the vast majority of people in the US eventually experience some depressive symptoms, and many are anxious. I’ve been there before.
Early in my medical career, I made some research findings that contradicted the then-current views. My boss was not an expert in that area, so he simply sat on the papers, refusing to submit them to a professional journal. I was idealistic, but he preferred safety.
My helplessness in the matter dragged me down, until I fell ill. I developed a serious chest infection and could hardly drag myself out of bed, not even for the bathroom. I felt numb, demotivated, useless, and hopeless.
Luckily, some senior colleagues arranged for me to do further studies. The change of scene helped. Then I was offered a great job, soon followed by an even better one, and a third.
Life soon got so busy that twenty-four hours in a day no longer sufficed. My career flourished, but my family had to put up with an irritable insomniac who frequently traveled abroad and had forgotten how to relax.
I then took a break in Scotland one fall, with colorful trees and blue sky reflected in the mirror-like surface of a lake. The beauty was glorious, so I started to learn about this wonder of nature. The more I learned, the more I found parallels with challenging situations, depression, and anxiety.
Gray, rainy days followed. I went out on the next sunny day and threw a pebble into the lake. The lake rippled, but eventually returned to its calm state.
Here’s what I learned from the lake about overcoming depression and anxiety.
1. Acknowledge your emotional pain.
A lake freely expresses distress during stormy days, with a turbulent surface. Suppressing feelings is unhelpful.
Hidden emotional pain can eventually overwhelm you, as with my chest infection. Once you name your feelings, they lose some power. You become the observer, not the victim, of feelings.
Allow tears to flow naturally; they express hurt. Write or record on your phone what’s troubling you and how you’re feeling, like a child blurting out everything. Read that, or listen back, to gain understanding.
2. Practice distraction.
In stormy weather, the lake’s focus shifts to its depths. We too can benefit from shifting our focus away from persistent, unhelpful thoughts and feelings. This can help restore perspective.
Whenever my life feels too stressful, I find that making music or doing vigorous exercise can transform my mood.
Distraction can be as simple as counting the number of red cars passing by, or watching a funny video, listening to your favorite music, singing, coloring, having a massage, walking in nature, playing with children or pets, or anything that absorbs or relaxes you.
Your brain, like a computer, has a limited amount of “working memory.” Distraction keeps it occupied. Depression and anxiety have less room.
3. Accept what can’t be changed.
When you throw a rock into a lake, it won’t resist. Ice may break, but the liquid lake won’t. In discussions with my inflexible boss, I was hard as ice, and paid for that with illness.
How can distress be made more bearable? Recognize when you are resisting something that can’t be changed, and pause to observe your own breathing and bodily sensations.
If unhelpful thoughts or feelings arise, notice them without engaging with them, and return to observing your breath. Then distressing thoughts, feelings, and circumstances won’t easily break you.
4. Become less self-critical.
A lake nurtures its inner life, with nutrients circulating below the surface. We, too, need to nurture ourselves, especially when experiencing depression or anxiety. Both are bullies that try to turn us against ourselves.
If self-criticism grows, try going through a list of positive characteristics and identify a few that best describe you. Then, elaborate and write out some of those characteristics in detail, using specific examples. To illustrate, if compassion is one of your characteristics, recall specific incidents when you comforted someone in distress.
After repeating this exercise for a few positive characteristics, you’ll feel much better about yourself and life.
5. Hold on to hope.
A lake is fed by streams. We have “streams” that can feed us, as well, if we enable them.
Try reaching out to others who are likely to understand how you’re feeling, perhaps by joining, or starting, a well-being group, or seeking professional help. Others can listen to you and reassure you.
Also, realize that you’re not set in stone. Scientific research shows that even your brain can change. I’m much more optimistic, sympathetic, warmer, and calmer now than I was in my twenties. We can all learn and grow, no matter what our age..
6. Become skilled at self-parenting your inner child.
Imagine your toddler falling over repeatedly while learning how to walk. Think of the loving, encouraging, heart-warming things you might say. Practice saying such things to your inner child.
I got far more criticism than appreciation as a child, but I now consciously reverse the balance in my self-talk. I remind myself that my faults are just part of being human.
This will benefit not only you, but also the people around you. As you shower unconditional love on yourself, it will overflow to your children, family, and friends. A lake gives life to all around, but it must renew itself with water.
7. Reduce big problems to small solutions.
As you regain perspective and energy, you can start to tackle problems.
Pick one problem that seems solvable. Pick the most promising solution. Identify a simple next step.
Congratulate yourself when you take this small step. Then take the next small step. Keep going, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Life need never be more complicated than taking the simple next step. A lake needs no giant moves.
8. Change what can be changed.
A lake is big enough to survive storms. The most powerful change you can make is to grow bigger than your unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
When you’re depressed or anxious, your thoughts tend to become distorted. However, you needn’t swallow the first thought that jumps into your mind.
For example, if someone barked at me, I previously assumed it had everything to do with me. However, it might have been some stress in their life causing their rude behavior. I don’t need to know for sure; I need just to weaken the force of my first thought. Then I can go on with life, lighter and freer.
Further, if something goes wrong in one area of my life, I needn’t believe that everything will go wrong in all areas of my life. The more confident I become of a happier future, the more powerful I grow.
9. Boost your physical well-being.
A lake is constantly active. Older plant life from near the surface sinks to the depths, and the different layers mix. That’s how a lake stays in good condition.
The healthier I eat and the more regularly I do vigorous exercise, the calmer and more energized I feel.
Nourishing meals with plenty of vegetables are much healthier than sugary or processed snacks and drinks. Regular, vigorous exercise is powerfully effective against depression, according to scientific research.
10. Cultivate “flow.”
A lake would rot and dry out if the water stopped flowing. As you develop, “flow” could help boost your confidence and calm.
“Flow” is a state where you’re completely absorbed in an activity, with your skills rising to meet the challenge of the activity. You feel strong, alert, unselfconscious, and at the peak of your abilities. Your brain is fully occupied by the activity.
I experience “flow” when I’m creating original music. It’s a wonderful experience, every time. Find and cultivate your own sources of “flow.”
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Depression and anxiety need not define you, no matter how tight their grip. Take courage from scientific research. It confirms that most people with symptoms of depression and anxiety can eventually enjoy fulfilling lives.
Even your brain can develop new cells, connections, and functions.
You could become like a lake that endures wintry storms and gales, but survives to enjoy the colors of spring, summer, and fall. Eventually, one small step at a time, you could become as deeply peaceful and energized as a lake.
Practice showering your inner child with unconditional love, and experience the difference.
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How to Change Your Life When It Feels Like Nothing is Going Your Way
“The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.” ~Timothy Gallwey
Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you became devastated after many failed attempts to get it?
Has the same pattern kept repeating itself no matter how you tried to change it?
Have you ever longed for something so deeply that you lost interest in life when it didn’t happen?
There was a time when I felt this way. I was at a total loss for what to do next.
I wanted just one thing in my life, and I knew it would make me feel happy and complete. But it kept eluding me. The harder I tried to achieve it, the further away it became. I felt repeatedly heartbroken and cheated.
I didn’t think I was asking for too much. Many people had what I wanted. I had searched for years to find it and thought I deserved it. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t have a normal life?
I wanted to find my soul mate.
I kept trying, but I kept falling in love with men who couldn’t commit. Each time, my boyfriend and I seemed so compatible. I looked forward to every hour spent together.
I could envision a life together, and my boyfriend seemed to be on the same track. But one day he would drop the bomb—“It’s time to move on.” I heard the excuse, “The timing is not right” so many times that I resented it.
After searching everywhere for answers, I kept hearing the same messages:
- When things aren’t working, you need to stop trying so hard.
- It’s better not to be so emotionally attached to the outcome.
- Things will work better if you drop your expectations and work with “what is” instead.
This contradicted everything I believed in. I’d always gone after what I wanted. It worked while I lived at home and at school. Why wasn’t it working now that I was on my own and the timing was right?
What Stops us from Getting What We Long For?
Defeated, I searched further. I learned that often when we feel hopeless and stuck in life, it’s not just that we’re trying too hard, it’s that we’re trying to control things.
It’s not possible to have everything the way you want it. Too many other variables are involved—primarily what other people want. We all have conflicting wants and needs, and our desires are often thwarted when they conflict with what others want.
It took me a while to admit that I might be controlling. But we live in a society of achievers. People learn to go after what they want relentlessly, and that’s what I had learned.
Once in a meditation class I attended, the instructor compared his laid back, Eastern students with his Western students. He said Western students try to grasp in order to achieve stillness in meditation. Eastern students tend to allow.
With meditation, allowing is the only approach that works. Grasping pushes away the experience of peace. You must let go in order to sink into a state of meditation.
Next I learned something that was even harder for me to accept—the underlying reason that we try to control things. We do so because we’re afraid. We have deep-seated, often hidden fears about life. By trying to put our lives in order the way we want them, we feel more secure.
That idea took some serious introspection. But being honest, I finally had to admit that I was lonely and afraid of being alone.
That’s what made me so intense about finding the right mate. And my result was the same as that of the people who grasped to achieve meditation. I was chasing my potential mates away.
I was prematurely expecting each relationship to turn into a marriage and acting as if it was a given. I wasn’t being patient and letting things develop. It was too much pressure for the men in my life.
An Experiment That Can Change Your Life
After realizing I was suffering from the perils of being a control freak, I realized I had nothing to lose. Out of desperation, I decided to see what would happen if I had goals but let go and let things unfold without directing them toward a specific outcome.
At this time, I had also been laid off from my job, making things even harder because I viewed my career as the other part of my life that made me complete.
I started big by vowing to let my next relationship be decided for me. After all, my track record wasn’t so great.
I viewed this as an opportunity to start over without trying to control—without expectations—with less fear and more faith. I set my mind to believe that things would work out if I relaxed, trusted, and went with the flow instead of against it.
I began to follow Deepak Chopra’s advice of “being the observer” of my life. I calmed my fears by trying to be conscious that there is peace in the brief moments between our thoughts.
I began practicing meditation and yoga with a yogi who showed up in my life. I started walking for an hour every day with a girlfriend, Mary, who I’d just met in my company’s outplacement program. She had been laid off the same day I was.
My life changed markedly in a very short time. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have to be full of anxiety even if I was single and unemployed.
I checked in with myself and realized that in each moment I was okay. I could handle this. I could slow down, try to find the best course of action, and focus on how to change—how to be more relaxed by allowing rather than grasping.
I still had goals, but I started going with the flow and being open to other possibilities instead of insisting on specific outcomes I thought would make me happy.
Incredible Things Materialize When You Learn to Let Go
Although unemployed, I began to feel far less stress every day. It was like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t been happy with my job anyway, and it felt great knowing I could try something new.
As a result of meditation, yoga, and exercise, I was able to stop the depression medication I had been taking for several years.
I had tried to wean myself off of it before, but it didn’t work until I loosened up and started being open to this new way of life—experiencing the possibilities instead of directing things.
Surprisingly, I was enjoying this experiment. I felt like I was truly living life instead of holding the reins, hanging on, and being thrown off course emotionally when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I started seeing that great things were coming to me.
Dropping my fear let me experiment with observing what was going on around me and allowing things to unfold. I began to see openings and opportunities I never would have found had I kept trying to make things happen. It was like opening gifts.
For the first time in my career, I decided to start my own business. And instead of hooking up with another boyfriend, I found a group of like-minded friends who made me feel at home.
I found them by joining a group Mary told me about. They were studying a book called, “The Quest.” When she told me about it, I said, “That sounds like something I’m on.” It turned up at just the right time—and so did Mary.
It took quite awhile for the right relationship to appear, but in the meantime something valuable happened. I got to know myself better, and I grew immensely. I became comfortable in my own skin and even grew to love being single.
Later when I was happy with my life, I met my soul mate and husband, Mike, at a singles event. He is completely different from previous boyfriends.
I knew he was the type who wanted a commitment from the start. His eyes sparkled the first time we met, and he was genuinely interested to hear as much about my life as I was about his.
We have so many things in common. We share the same interests, we’re intellectually compatible, and we even like the same food and furniture. Where we differ, we are still compatible. It’s amazing to me how it all turned out.
There is no other way to know what it’s like to drop your expectations and go with the flow unless you try it for yourself like I did. There definitely is no way to trust it until you experience it working.
I’ve watched others go through similar disappointments in life trying to make things happen. Many of us are wired to pursue specific outcomes that we believe will give us security. If only we realized we could be happier if we open up and tap in to what comes our way while we’re busy making other plans.
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Overcoming General and Social Anxiety: There is Hope
“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” ~Zig Ziglar
“Face everything and rise.” Good advice, but how do we do that when we feel incapable? Well, I recently discovered an effective tool that we can rely on whenever anxiety comes for a visit. And I just can’t describe how grateful I am for that discovery!
For over ten years I’ve been suffering from general and social anxiety. People who don’t know me well would be surprised to hear that, since I became a master of hiding my feelings. But when I found myself in certain social situations and could not hide those feelings anymore, they would erupt and turn into panic attack episodes, which caused me a tremendous amount of suffering.
From the outside, one could say my life was as good as it could be. I have supportive parents, a loving girlfriend, a good, steady job, and a house. Unfortunately, my only brother and I are not in touch, but I guess this can happen in the best of families.
I became a prisoner of my own anxiety. My fear generated physical and emotions symptoms, which generated more fear; it felt like an endless cycle. The weight on my back was so heavy that, despite accepting life, I had lost faith in it.
After trying several types of treatments, I finally discovered meditation and then went on a ten-day Vipassana retreat. I decided to do this for a few reasons:
- Evidence shows that this technique has helped prisoners, and I guessed that they had even bigger issues than me. At the start of the retreat, during an introductory event, they showed a movie about how the Indian government introduced Vipassana in jails due to its tremendously effective results.
- The retreat was donation based, so I knew that no one was taking advantage of my weakness.
- Deep inside, I knew that I was the person who could best help me. I wanted to learn about myself and understand what was bothering me so much. And the best way of learning, in this case and in general, is by experiencing
In Vipassana, you learn how to disconnect from the outside world and to connect to your inner world—to experience your sensations and understand that, either good or bad, they will eventually pass. You learn how to become the observer rather than the participant, so you stop reacting to sensations and, therefore, learn to relax.
Why sensations? Because everything we experience in life through our six senses—sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, and the thinking mind—causes different types of sensations in our bodies, which we automatically label as “good” or “bad.”
For example, hearing the birds singing in the morning will cause good sensations. On the other hand, hearing the barking of angry dogs would probably cause bad sensations. And those sensations instinctively generate a reaction—one of craving and clinging (we don’t want the beautiful melody to end) or aversion and hatred (we wish that the scary barking would stop).
We fall in the trap of getting attached to the sensations, and over and over generate a reaction. Reactions of all types: fear, anger, sadness, judging, dependency on things or other people, hurting. All those bring us suffering.
And here’s where Vipassana can help us. The whole technique is built on three types of meditation:
1. Anapana (observing respiration)
Observe the sensations in the nostrils area; breathe in and breathe out. Soft or strong, short or long, calm or agitated—it doesn’t matter, and we don’t need to control it; just observe it and let it be the way it is moment by moment.
It’s been said that respiration is the bridge between our bodies and mind, the path to our unconscious mind. By observing it, we can reach its deepest levels and turn agitation into calmness.
Use Anapana as your shield against anxiety! It works. It allows you to consciously take a breath when you drown in the sea of anxiety, and you can do it anytime you need it. Bring your mind back to focus and calm it down!
2. Vipassana (observing sensations from head to feet and vice versa)
Once we are trained to observe our respiration, we are ready to start observing other areas of our bodies. So we start from the head and go down to the feet, through every single part of the body. Side by side and eventually also from feet to head.
Sensation will vary from part to part; they can be soft or strong, good or bad. But whatever they are, the common thing between them is that they will arise and then eventually pass. By understanding that, we can stop reacting to the sensations, keep our focus, and become the observer. We learn that through experiencing.
3. Metta (wishing the end of suffering to every living creature)
When we reach the point of inner peace, we become ready to share this peace, love, and harmony with everyone around us.
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No doubt, Vipassana was the biggest present I could give myself, and it’s changing my life. I feel I have been reborn. The benefits are not just limited to the way I deal with anxiety now. It’s actually way more than that.
As a result:
- I have gained the ability to focus more on the present, and less on the past or future. As a result, I enjoy more of what I’m doing at every single moment.
- I’m more accepting and tolerant of others, with no judgment. I’ve started donating and volunteering. I understand love better and am much better able to show it to my dearest ones.
- I’m more efficient, able to make choices quickly and stick with them (in work and life in general). I’m learning to enjoy but not to get attached.
My parents told me the other day that I’ve started to smile with my eyes again, something I used to do when I was a kid. True, the heavy weight on my back has now become much lighter. I’ve regained my faith in life!
Vipassana is universal, courses are offered in most countries, and it has no connection to any religion. It’s pure science of mind and matter, so everyone, from any background, can do it!
The best tip I could give to those of you interested in practicing Vipassana would be to contact the closest Vipassana (taught by S.N Goenka) center in your country and register to a ten-day course so you can learn the technique properly, under the best conditions.
Those conditions include the best guidance, a supportive environment, and minimal distractions, all necessary to achieve results. And results will come if you are open to working and embracing this wonderful experience. You might have just made a life-changing discovery too!
You can watch an introduction to Vipassana Meditation by S. N. Goenka here.
Photo by Moyan Brenn
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When Something Has to Change: How to Push Yourself to Take Action
“The truth you believe in and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron
At some point, there comes a defining moment when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you just can’t keep living the way you’ve been living.
You know that something has got to give and realize that you only have two options—either change or stay the same.
The idea of having to choose either one of those options feels absolutely unbearable, so you find yourself trapped between the two, in this awful purgatory of indecision.
That’s exactly where I was trapped: unable to stay in an unhappy marriage, and unable to leave it.
The prospect of changing required the long journey inward, having to look at myself honestly and courageously and do the things I was afraid to do.
To change meant that I had to leap into uncharted waters, not knowing if I’d sink or swim. And in the face of that, I was easily lured back to the comfort of the familiar.
I was quick to reassure myself that even in my unhappy situation, with all of its heartache and suffering, at least I knew what to expect. And that thought was comforting.
In precise tandem with that thought was the awareness that if I couldn’t bring myself to leap off the cliff to change, I would be stuck living life in this state of unhappiness and dysfunction. And that thought was terrifying.
I couldn’t stay where I was, but I was too afraid to move forward.
This purgatory of indecision was an awful place to be. It was filled with its own unique despair. It was fraught with doubt, shame, anger, and huge amounts of fear. But in spite of that, it still wasn’t enough to propel me in any one direction.
I was stuck in this purgatory for years. Eventually, I came to understand that my thoughts and beliefs didn’t actually come from me. They came from the very loud and dictatorial voice of my codependent mind.
It had become so loud and powerful that it had all but drowned out my own voice. One of its most potent functions was to convince me that every terrible thing I told myself about myself was the gospel truth.
I’ve learned to think of my codependency as a seed—and the same analogy applies for addiction, depression, and other struggles.
There sits the seed of it, buried deep in our brain. And in some of us, at some point, something will happen to trigger it.
That event acts as the water it needs to grow. If it’s allowed to set its roots down, it continues to grow stronger and stronger. The voice of that dysfunction slowly and steadfastly takes over and begins to drown out you.
Eventually, this dysfunctional voice is the only one you hear, and so you recognize it as you, but it’s not.
I think of it as two minds—my mind and the codependent mind. My co-dependent mind had grown so big, and its roots so deep, that it was calling all the shots.
The mind of any dysfunction, regardless of where it originated, has its own unique sets of toolboxes. In my case, my codependent mind was a master at using fear and self-doubt to create confusion.
Fear, along with self-doubt, whispers “you’re not good enough” or “you are not worthy,” and insists, “you can’t trust what you feel or what you think,” thereby creating all kinds of space for confusion to reign.
There was a constant tug of war going on inside of me. I was convinced that what I wanted and needed was wrong if it wasn’t in alignment with what others wanted and needed from me.
Daily, my codependent mind reminded me that I was inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, and incapable. And as the codependent voice got louder and louder, it eventually became the only voice I recognized and heard.
But here’s the thing: The secret to silencing that voice of dysfunction is to challenge it. We must disbelieve what it’s saying.
The problem was that any attempt at disagreeing with what my codependent mind created huge amounts of anxiety and fear.
So you can see the predicament: To silence it, we have to disbelieve it. And to disbelieve it creates tremendous anxiety.
The thing you need to know is that anxiety is the superpower of any dysfunction. It uses our disdain and discomfort for feeling anxious as a way of staying in control. This is what makes it so clever and difficult to outwit.
And it was this desperate need to avoid feeling anxious that kept me from challenging my codependent thinking.
As tough as it may seem, to be able to change your beliefs about yourself, you need to disbelieve what that voice of dysfunction is telling you, and do the very thing you think you can’t do.
As you challenge it, you will experience anxiety and fear. But no one has ever died from feeling anxious or afraid. Ever.
Feeling anxious or afraid will not kill you. But it will free you from the life you are trapped in, and from the incessant voice of your dysfunctional mind.
I began by deciding to actively disbelieve any negative or unkind thoughts I had about myself.
If they didn’t lift me up, I disbelieved them. Martha Beck, author and monthly columnist for O, The Oprah Magazine says: “All thoughts that separate you from genuine happiness are lies.” That became my daily mantra.
As I practiced this new way of being—refusing to believe those negative thoughts as gospel truth—slowly but surely, my thoughts and beliefs about myself began to change.
When my codependent thinking said I wasn’t capable, I chose to trust my capabilities were enough for that moment. When my codependent thinking said I wasn’t good enough, I chose to believe that I was enough.
The more I decided I was lovable and worthy of love, the more confident, assured, and certain I became of who I was, and the more clearly I could hear my own voice.
You must decide that you will no longer trust the voice of dysfunction. And once you do, I promise you, it will begin to retreat, and your voice—the voice of self-love, truth, and wisdom—will become loud and clear.
Stressed image via Shutterstock
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How to Beat Anxiety So You Can Live Life to the Fullest
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield
When I was in my twenties, I was confident and fearless, and I lived life to the fullest.
I remember going on vacation, and one of my friends was terrified to get on the plane. We had a four-hour flight ahead of us, and I thought her anxiety and fear of flying were ridiculous.
I thought she was being pathetic and selfish, and spoiling it for everyone else. I remember having a ‘quiet word’ with her and berating her for talking absolute nonsense. I had no empathy or compassion for her feelings. In hindsight, I wasn’t being a very good friend.
It’s funny how things can change. In June 2006, life as I knew it collapsed around me because a business I’d put my heart and soul into didn’t work out. I began to feel panicky, disconnected, scared, lost, weak, vulnerable, utterly ashamed, and broken.
Simple daily tasks I once found easy became a chore. Even more disturbing was the realization that everything I previously enjoyed had become a source of fear and dread, such as going away, meeting friends, driving, and ironically, getting on a plane.
Every minute of every day was filled with fearful thoughts; I overflowed with insecurities, self-doubt, and self-loathing.
Physically, I felt nauseous, shaky, and dizzy. Day after day, my anxiety was relentless and exhausting. I was trapped on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster, and I couldn’t find any peace.
Inappropriate anxiety makes you believe that there is something wrong when there isn’t; it eats away at your confidence and affects every part of your life.
I was scared of my own thoughts and bodily sensations, constantly on red alert for the next attack. I spent my days trying to gain back some control by constantly monitoring my feelings and avoiding situations in which I felt anxious.
I went on like this for ten years and spent a fortune on trying to ‘fix’ myself.
I realize now that there was nothing to fix. I was the source of my own pain and suffering.
The painful truth was that no amount of books, therapy, or money could get me out of the living nightmare. They would help me along the way, but true recovery came from within—the only way out was through.
The Turning Point
My turning point came one day when I had a panic attack in my car. I chose to sit with it and observe it. I didn’t add any more fear to it; I simply welcomed it and tried to understand it.
I experienced my body calming down on its own, without any intervention from me. I then consciously decided that I wouldn’t revisit the experience in my head by worrying about it, analyzing it, or telling other people about it.
The more I did this in various situations, the more my anxiety lost its substance.
I acknowledged that my anxiety was like a dear friend, working for me and not against me. It had my back, warning me about pending fearful situations like an overprotective mother would. The only problem was, there was nothing to fear.
I recovered by allowing myself to feel the anxiety without trying to suppress it, ignore it, or get rid of it. I learned how to accept it as my protector, and to be comfortable with anxiety being part of my life until my mind found other non-anxious ways.
I gave up analyzing it, researching it, and looking for quick fixes. I stopped talking about it with others. I undermined its power by learning how to stay in the present moment and remain strong in the knowledge that it was just a feeling that would eventually pass.
The more I did this, the more my confidence grew. It took time and patience, and there were many blips along the way, but by changing my relationship with anxiety, I eventually found my peace.
I showed myself compassion, just like I should have showed it to my friend all those years ago on the plane.
How You Can Help Yourself
Anxiety is the body’s way of telling us we need to address something about ourselves.
For me, my anxiety manifested because I’m a perfectionist; I’m also ambitious, but didn’t feel fulfilled in my work; and I generally take on too much, which puts extra stress on my body and mind. Throw in the fact that I’m a people pleaser, and anxiety is sure to thrive.
Anxiety can be messy, but it’s possible to fully recover.
Here are the things that helped me.
1. Tackle your stinking thinking and anxious behavior.
Recognize your anxious, negative thinking patterns, and be bold enough to challenge and change them. It takes time, but it works. It’s a huge breakthrough when you realize that you are not your thoughts.
Before, I constantly feared the worst, dreading upcoming situations in case I felt unwell and anxious. This is called catastrophizing, when you think the worst will happen even though you have no concrete evidence that it will.
Other unhelpful thinking patterns include:
Over-generalizing – assuming that something will happen again just because it happened before. “I’ll mess up again, because I remember that last time I did.”
Mind reading – assuming you know what others are thinking of you and situations. “She ignored me because she doesn’t like me.”
Fortune telling – thinking you know what will happen in the future. “It won’t work, so I won’t try.”
Critical mind chatter – negative thinking about yourself. “I’m such an idiot.”
Black and white thinking – where you can’t see any middle ground, such as “my job is awful and I hate it” rather than “I don’t enjoy my job right now, but it could be worse and I’m going the make the best of it.”
Here’s some helpful ways to deal with negative thoughts:
- Recognize and label the unhelpful thinking pattern.
- Challenge your thoughts; for example, if you think, “I’m not good enough,” think of some scenarios of times when you were good enough, which will dilute your initial negative thought.
- Recognize extreme words you might use such as “I always fail,” and change them to “I sometimes fail, but that’s okay because I’m only human, and failure is simply feedback of how I can do better.”
- Write down negative thoughts and journal next to them a more helpful way of thinking.
- A negative feeling such as low mood generally starts with a negative thought process, so try to link the two. If you’re feeling low, ask yourself what you’ve been thinking that led you to that low feeling.
When I listened to my own thoughts, I realized how negative my mind was most of the time. No wonder I felt anxious!
If you continue challenging your thoughts, eventually, more balanced thoughts will become second nature. You will become more skilled at it as time goes on, but do remember to pay attention to your thoughts and do the work needed to change them.
2. Practice acceptance.
Accept that you have anxiety. Don’t suppress; instead, try to understand it, and see it as your friend and protector. Your body is working perfectly fine. Yes, anxiety makes you feel scared, but it’s meant to; that’s its job, right (fight or flight)?
My anticipation anxiety was truly horrendous. The thoughts and feelings I experienced before going away even for one night were so strong that I often cancelled my plans. Once I saw anxiety as my overbearing protector, I could calmly tell it that I no longer needed its protection, and slowly it learned to back off.
This requires you to be bold and strong, and to go against your natural instincts. It feels weird and scary at first, but keep going and you will find the anxiety eventually retreats.
Acceptance means understanding that, for this moment in time, you are dealing with anxiety, and will still feel anxious while you’re going through the recovery process. There will be a period of time when negative thoughts keep popping up; this is only natural. Just learn to accept it as an anxious thought and move on.
3. Look after yourself.
Good nutrition, good sleep, and exercise set great foundations for tackling anxiety head on. Give yourself the best chance possible to beat this.
Do as many things as you can to help you to relax, connect with your inner being, and make you laugh. Surround yourself with positive things and people. Be kind to yourself and make it your number one priority to fully recover.
4. Look at your lifestyle.
Are you in a bad relationship? Do you feel unfulfilled? Are you trying to please people? Ask yourself what anxiety is telling you to address in your life.
What got you anxious in the first place? Is this something you are still continuing to do, and what could you do change this?
5. Don’t avoid.
Don’t avoid the things you previously enjoyed and were able to do comfortably pre-anxiety. No matter how bad you feel, just keep on pressing through, knowing that anxiety cannot hurt you and will eventually pass.
What helped me was to see every fearful situation as a challenge. I got excited about impending anxiety because it was an opportunity to face and overcome.
I know all too well how it feels when every bone in your body tells you to avoid a fearful situation. In these instances, it’s beneficial to not engage in the negative thinking. Simply float through the feelings and know they will naturally pass.
All avoidance does is teach your brain that there is something to fear, when there isn’t—that’s what keeps the anxiety alive!
6. Don’t engage.
Don’t feed the anxiety by monitoring it, engaging in conversations about it (even with yourself), or trying to fix it, suppress it, or wish it away. Allow it to be present for as long as it needs to be, and it will naturally diminish.
See anxiety as your old habit. Like any habit, it will take time to heal, but by constantly engaging with it and worrying about it, you’re making it important and keeping it alive. Make your day structured, and fill it with fulfilling activities that keep your mind focused on something other than anxiety.
7. Never give up!
Never lose faith in yourself. Know that you are strong and resilient, and you can recover from this like many others have before you. Anxiety is, in fact, an easy thing to cure once we know how.
Finally, if you’re suffering with anxiety, please know that you can and will recover. I now see my anxiety as a blessing because I’m a much stronger, more positive and compassionate person. Anxiety has taught me to live my life to the fullest and love every moment.
Meditating silhouette via Shutterstock
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How to Overcome Fear and Live Your Dream by Changing Your Brain
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” ~Les Brown
Fear used to be the driving force in my life.
I didn’t even know that I was living in fear at the time. I hid behind labels like “stress” and “anxiety,” but those are just clinical terms for fear.
Truthfully, my dreams terrified me because they seemed way too big to achieve. At the time, I wanted to excel in my new career, get into the best shape of my life, and create meaningful relationships—and I felt like I had a long way to go.
So naturally, I got really stressed out.
And why, oh why, did it feel okay?
It seems like stress is such commonplace now that we think we’re slackers if we don’t feel tense all the time. But that’s just our fear finding excuses to stick around.
Once I finally realized that stress was just an option, I started looking for a way through it. And I found the answers in a simple Japanese philosophy called Kaizen, which is the practice of continuous improvement through small, consistent steps.
I learned that whenever we’re scared about making change it’s because the steps we’re taking are too big, and these leaps of faith will trigger a life-saving biological response: fear.
But luckily, there’s a way to turn that fear off, and it all starts with your brain, specifically your amygdala.
Shut Down Your Amygdala by Asking Tiny Questions
Your amygdala plays a heavy role in your fight-or-flight response, a physiological reaction to something threatening (like those big dreams of yours).
When you come across a scary thought or situation, your brain will enter flight mode and your amygdala will literally stop your brain from producing new thoughts. Most artists know this as creative block, but it’s really just fear.
So your big dreams aren’t the problem—your amygdala is. And you can turn your amygdala off by asking tiny questions.
When I decided that I wanted to excel in my career, I didn’t start out with a question like “How can I help my company revolutionize the world?” No. That question would terrify even the most capable person.
Instead, I took a step back and asked tiny questions. I thought about things like “What one benefit do I hope to deliver to our audience?” Or, “What can I do for ten minutes today that will bring me closer to completing this project?”
Tiny questions like that aren’t intimidating at all.
In fact, they’re quite doable.
Eradicate Fear by Taking Small, Relentless Steps
Once you start asking tiny questions, then you can start taking tiny actions.
The key is to pick things that are small enough to keep your amygdala from getting in the way.
And that’s why New Year’s Resolutions never work. For example, on January 1st we decide that we want to lose twenty pounds and completely give up chocolate; so we restrict our calories and give up our vice all at the same time.
When you put yourself up against a mountain, the big steps you’re forced to take will trigger your flight response and ultimately lead to stress and burnout.
If you want to achieve a big goal, you have to break it up into tiny steps.
I used this tiny-step tactic when I started focusing on becoming healthier. I didn’t do anything radical—although that’s how it started out, and I had to fail over and over until I realized radical wouldn’t work.
Instead, I took the slow and steady route, and it was brutally slow. It took me about two years to really gain momentum, but it trained me to reject instant gratification and just go slow.
First, I started avoiding processed foods, and I focused on that until I mastered it. Then, I started focusing on only eating until I’m full, and I focused on that until I mastered it.
Then I started going to the gym two days a week and I kept it up until I gained the momentum I needed to go four days a week.
I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but I proved to myself (and hopefully to you) that small steps are much more successful at making big change.
And I’ve become the healthiest version of myself because of it.
Get Excited—It’s a Fearless Emotion
But what about the people who don’t do tiny things? What about the people who do really big things and do them exceptionally well?
These people have a very special talent: They know how to get really excited about their goals, and excitement is another way to keep your flight response off.
So if you want to successfully achieve your dreams, you need to get excited about them! It will help you avoid fear and take projects on with enthusiasm.
For example, my boss just gave me approval to write a book, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I was absolutely thrilled!
Instead of letting myself become overwhelmed by the size of this project, I chose to get over-the-moon excited about it, which helps me stay focused and creative.
Have you ever felt so fired up about an idea that you can’t wait to start working on it? If so, don’t ever let that feeling go. It will propel your dreams faster than anything.
But if you can’t make the excitement last (and that’s okay—fear likes to creep in any chance it gets), then try using visualization.
Train Your Brain with Visualization
To get yourself to do something that scares you, you need to visualize yourself doing it first. And you need to visualize it over and over because repetition is how your brain masters new skills.
And if you consistently visualize it every day (and all you really need is just thirty seconds daily), you’ll start to mentally master the action. Then all your body has to do is follow through.
The key to effective visualization is to involve excruciating detail.
You need to visualize what it’s going to look like just as much as what it’s going to sound, feel, and emote like. You also need to imagine how you’ll react to different possible scenarios, including the worst possible outcome.
What will you do if you fail? What will the alternative actions be? How will you feel?
When you mentally train yourself to deal with potential failure, you won’t give up when that bump in the road actually happens.
Apply These Concepts to Big and Small Goals
You can use visualization to accomplish anything and everything, even the super small stuff, which is where everyone should start.
One of the best ways I’ve used visualization was to mentally train myself to say hello to strangers. It’s such a small thing, but that’s how I knew it could make a profound difference in my life.
Saying hello to strangers was always something that I wanted to feel comfortable with, but I felt this unshakable resistance to it. And it all boiled down to being scared of rejection—something we people pleasers fear most.
Ah yes, I was terrified of how I would feel if people didn’t say hello back. It’s so silly and almost petty, but that’s how my mind was programmed at the time.
So I started visualizing myself doing this super simple task that I was afraid of. I would visualize myself saying hello to strangers in the supermarket while smiling and feeling whole (i.e. not seeking their approval).
I would also visualize the worst possible outcome, which is that they ignore me (sooo scary, I know), and I would visualize how I felt when that happened: still smiling and still whole.
Then I took this visualization into the real world.
I started smiling and saying hello to strangers, and I felt genuinely happy while doing it. Sometimes it would turn into engaging conversation, other times it would turn into absolutely nothing. But no matter what the outcome was, I was always smiling.
Using visualization this way helped me gain the momentum I needed to create meaningful relationships in my life. Today some of the most amazing people I know were once strangers that I simply said hello to.
Sometimes we resist small changes and small habits because they seem too easy to make a profound difference in our lives. But I challenge you to reject that notion.
Every mental, physical, or spiritual block you’re facing can be softened with the Kaizen mentality. Life will become a beautiful opportunity to create something meaningful, and you can do it with confidence and ease.
What passion project have you been putting off?
And what tiny action can you make today that will get you one step closer?
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What Causes Panic Attacks and How to Stop Them for Good
“You empower what you fight. You withdraw power from what you release.” ~Alan Cohen
Panic attacks can seem to come out of nowhere, without any warning. There is no obvious logical connection between a panic attack and what is happening around us at the time they arise.
Is it really possible to be free of them, without medication? In my personal experience, the answer is yes. I used cognitive, emotional, and physical methods that eradicated my panic attacks.
What Causes Panic Attacks?
The short version of my story is that I experienced a less than peaceful upbringing and had a fair amount of anxiety and panic attacks as a result.
A trusted therapist explained to me that panic attacks develop out of a psyche that is overloaded with repressed feelings. Panic attacks are like the psyche’s release valve.
My earliest memories were comprised of the adults in my life walking out the door, seemingly for good. Sometimes they threatened to leave unless I promised to behave. As a toddler, I believed they were absolutely leaving and never coming back. There were many such incidents, leaving me with a lack of security or trust in my environment.
In addition, there was no room for my emotions in my highly charged toxic environment. Even quiet times held no respite because I knew they were only the eye of a storm that would soon roar to life again.
As a result, I automatically developed a stance much like a soldier in battle. When in a storm or bracing for the next one, I remained locked in survival mode, shutting down the expression of authentic emotions.
As my high school days were coming to an end, I finally managed to move away from my family and find a place of my own. It was small, I had no money, and I was working all the time, but I had finally found a drama-free environment where I could learn to let my guard down.
Retrain Your Brain
Even after a long battle is over, many of us continue operating as if we are still in it.
We remain in survival mode, automatically repressing emotions without even realizing it. So, panic attacks can continue after the stress that caused them in the first place is long gone.
It isn’t the original stressful event that caused the attacks anyway—it was the lack of processing the fearful feelings surrounding the stressful event.
You can actually retrain your brain to realize it is safe in the present moment, and that the past trauma is vastly skewing your perception, which is why you are panicking.
A really effective exercise is to write down all the fears that are voiced during a panic attack. Then, write down as many reasonable responses as possible that refute those fears.
This exercise actually trains your brain to form new neural pathways based in reality rather than in the skewed unprocessed feelings and beliefs that come from trauma. A terrific detailed guide for these cognitive exercises is in the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns.
As a teenager I worked with a trusted therapist on this. It takes time, but it really does change your perception of things. Each time a reality check proved my fearful thoughts false, I felt stronger and more positive in my interpretation of any situation.
Feel It To Heal It
If you’ve had panic attacks for a while, you’re probably sick of them. You may even tell that panicked voice of yours to just shut up and quit bothering me! However, if unprocessed feelings are what caused the panic attacks in the first place, then expressing and processing them is what will eventually cause them to disappear.
Once I realized that my panic attacks were rooted in consistent abandonment by the adults around me, I could allow that very wise and mature part of myself to listen closely and compassionately to the scared toddler inside, who got spooked anytime something resembling abandonment would arise in my life.
Instead of telling that panicked voice to be quiet, I learned to ask, “What are you afraid of? What do you need? How can I help?” Listening to that scared part of your younger self without judgment finally gives her a voice—no matter how crazy, stupid, or immature that voice may seem.
Only then can the adult part of ourselves provide the comfort to that toddler that should have been provided, many years ago. We could double check to make sure no one is leaving us or being taken from us—or that if they are, knowing that we are going to be just fine.
Act as you would want a parent to act when their children come to them, insisting there is a monster under their bed. It is comforting when parents indulge their children in checking that there are no monsters there rather than insisting that their children be quiet and go back to sleep.
You can be the comforting adult now that you really needed back then.
It is also helpful to remind the scared younger version of ourselves of all of the support and resources we now have as adults.
Adults can get jobs, earn money, drive cars, decide where to live, educate ourselves, form relationships, and break off relationships. These are all tools adults have to provide themselves with the safety and security they need, so, no matter what is happening in the present, we will never feel as helpless as we felt as a child.
Giving my inner toddler a voice finally allowed her to grieve the loss of a safe and stable environment—something I never had space to do before.
Every now and then I would make a point to sit down, pop in a sad movie, and have a good cry for the sole purpose of listening to and comforting the toddler who needed to grieve the absence of a secure place in which to grow up.
Employing these methods on a regular basis gives the scared, younger version of yourself the opportunity to express fears and needs regularly. Responding to that child in a compassionate way ensures that he or she will not have to scream to be heard in the form of a panic attack.
Reprogram Your Body
I had always assumed that one had to have calm thoughts and emotions in order to feel calm physically. It turns out that calming the body is a path to calming thoughts and emotions. As someone who is generally stuck in my head, this was a very foreign concept to me, but one I was willing to explore.
I started doing bodywork with a therapist, getting a massage occasionally, and taking yoga. The point of the bodywork was to reverse my body’s bracing reaction to stress. Intellectually, I could understand that concept, but once I put it into practice, over time, I fully realized this concept.
Being in a physically relaxed state connects every part of us to what is real rather than what we fear. The more often we can bring ourselves back to a physical place of relaxation, the more connected we are to the peaceful perspective instead of the skewed fearful perspective that fosters panic attacks.
Keep At It
Eradicating panic attacks does not happen overnight. Not even close. I found it impossible to picture a panic-free life when I was in the midst of my process, but it did happen after about two years of all of these efforts.
It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and the process for taking so long. It’s also important to engage in extreme self-care during all of it so you don’t get exhausted.
Remember that as strong as your fearful thoughts may seem, they are not your intuition. They are the reaction of your psyche to feelings that have been silenced. As painful as this process is, it is nevertheless an opportunity for healing a wound that has been buried for too long.
Give yourself and your body all the tools possible, cognitive, emotional, and physical, to support your healing.
Have you overcome panic attacks without medication, and if so, what methods did you use?
Calm man image via Shutterstock
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The Truth About Social Anxiety and 5 Ways to Relieve It
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.” ~Brené Brown
About fifteen million adults suffer from social anxiety according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Fifteen million. And we’re not just talking about what you’d call shyness. We’re talking about big fears of judgment and scrutinization from others.
When we hear statistics it can be difficult to remember the humanness of those numbers. These are people who want to find love, who want to make new friends, or who need to talk to new people for work. Maybe you’re one of them. I used to be.
I remember feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, being highly aware of what I was saying, how I was saying it, and how other people were taking me in. I even remember being in college at a party standing with a group of friends when one of them loudly declared that I looked super uncomfortable.
Well, I was super uncomfortable, and that statement only brought more attention to my demeanor making me even more self-conscious. It sucked. I didn’t want to feel awkward let alone be known as the awkward girl.
I was always so concerned with how I was presenting myself. I wanted everyone to feel like I had it all together. I wanted to appear cool, but mostly I didn’t want to do a lot of things.
I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. And I definitely didn’t want to be disliked.
What I wanted was to be able to speak easily to people. I wanted to feel laid back. I wanted to not be “shy” in groups. I wanted to feel comfortable. I wanted to get lost in the moment instead of watching and analyzing my every move. I wanted to just be me, and be okay with it.
Often times when we talk about anxiety this is where we stop. But I’ve discovered something deeper. I worked on myself a lot in my twenties. I made a very dear friend who was super outgoing. Being in her presence helped me see that I could present myself differently.
I could open up a bit more, I could smile a bit more, and I could show my happiness to strangers.
I also learned a lot about my ego. I saw some of the ways my mind was holding me back. I was able to acknowledge that fear was driving me in these situations and that I didn’t have to pay so much attention to my mind.
I became more comfortable in social situations through practice. I found my edge and worked from there. I became more cheerful, more outgoing, and it worked.
People responded, and I connected more deeply. It felt great, but it didn’t entirely feel easy. I still didn’t feel 100% in my own skin, and I found myself exhausted after being in social situations.
Years later I discovered that all along I had been afraid of being seen.
I’m not talking about being out in the world and observed by others. I’m not talking about being afraid of showing up at a party or an event and having people look at me. I’m not talking about superficial self-consciousness. I’m speaking about a deep, spiritual need to be seen for who it is we really are.
All this time I had actually been terrified that if someone saw who I really was they would reject me, and I didn’t know that I could recover from that. But if someone rejected the persona I’d created, well, that wouldn’t be as bad—it wasn’t really me.
I discovered this truth through something we all have at our disposal 24/7. It’s actually something we all need and use: the breath.
Breathwork is a powerful active meditation, and it’s changed so many aspects of my life including this one. It’s given me access to deeper truths about myself and about human beings in general.
We all want to be loved, and to be loved means you’re accepted as you are. So if you’re deeply afraid, unconsciously afraid, that you might not be loved, how do you think your body is going to respond? It’s going to feel fear.
It shows up as self-consciousness because our minds work to remedy the situation. If I monitor my every movement I’ll be safe. I won’t show too much of myself, and I won’t be rejected.
The problem here, aside from the fact that we don’t want to actually be living our lives in constant moderation of ourselves, is that we expend so much energy watching ourselves, trying to be the person we think we should be.
That’s why I was so exhausted after being in social situations. It took up so much of my energy to be around people and not feel like I could really be myself.
There is so much relief in being able to be yourself. There is so much freedom in having deep, unconditional love for yourself and knowing that the only thing that matters is that you have your own back.
It leaves you feeling comfortable being you. It allows you to have a more intimate relationship with yourself, discovering who it is you actually are instead of living under the guise you’ve created for yourself. That guise was a defense mechanism; it was your shield so you wouldn’t get hurt.
But you don’t have to worry about getting hurt anymore. Yes, you will still feel pain, but you will have such a deep trust in life that you know you’ll always get through it.
With this trust and this love and this new life, it’s not scary to show yourself anymore.
You know that the right people will forgive you if you mess up. You know that the people who you need to have around you are the ones who love the things that come out of your mouth, who don’t push you or manipulate you or judge you.
From simple, immediate action steps to deeper healing work, here are five ways you can start relieving your social anxiety today:
1. Use the power poses.
Power Poses are simple body movements scientifically proven to increase confidence hormones and decrease stress hormones. Before you’re going into a social situation put your hand behind your head or even simply raise your hands wide and high in the air.
2. Focus on others.
When we’re self-conscious in social situations we’re so focused on ourselves that it’s extremely difficult to connect with others or to even relax. Try finding someone to connect with by asking them about themselves. Become interested in them and place all your awareness on what they’re saying. This helps us engage and removes us from our own self-concern.
3. Find your edge.
Know where you’re comfortable and where you feel like you’re going to have a panic attack. Somewhere in the middle lies your edge.
Your edge is the place you can go to that feels uncomfortable but not like you’re going to die. Hang out there, take some risks.
This might look like you starting a conversation with someone on your own, asking someone a question, making eye contact, or telling someone something about yourself that feels personal. Continue to practice living on your edge, and it won’t be your edge anymore.
4. Look deeper.
You can remedy things by watching and emulating those who excel socially. Or you could spend time getting to know yourself more deeply, facing the truth that maybe you’re afraid to show who you really are. Once we’re willing to face the things we’re hiding from we can begin to liberate ourselves from these deep fears.
5. Use your breath.
You can use your breath in the simplest way to reduce your stress levels. Take deep belly breaths very slowly. The slower and deeper the breath the more you activate your parasympathetic nervous system creating a relaxing environment in your body.
If you want to go for full transformation you could try breathwork and see what you discover about yourself.
There is a life free of social anxiety. When you choose to dig a little deeper and take steps to heal yourself, you’ll find yourself on a new path. On that path you may discover that you don’t even know who it is you really are. But once you discover yourself, you’ll see there is a whole world of people out there waiting to meet you.
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4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran
“Buddha was asked, ‘What have you gained from meditation?’ He replied, ‘Nothing.’ ‘However,’ Buddha said, ‘let me tell you what I lost: anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age, and death.’”
“I never get stressed.”
I used to say and think this all the time when I saw someone freaking out about an upcoming test, a bad grade, relationship problems, or a boss or coworker.
I had a false sense of being “carefree” because I wouldn’t get stressed over the trivial things that most people did.
I was a “battle hardened” soldier recently back from a deployment in Afghanistan. When I saw people worry about those inconsequential things, I would think to myself, “Please, you have no idea what it means to be stressed.”
As it turns out, my understanding of stress was wrong. It’s also wrong for a lot of people who believe they aren’t stressed.
It wasn’t until I started meditating three years after my deployment that I started to realize that I was stressed—just in a different way and from different things than most people.
After meditating every day for a couple months, my “ah-ha” moment finally hit me.
I was sitting in traffic, late for an appointment (I hate being late), watching all the people around me freaking out. For once, I was calm and collected sitting in that traffic, thinking, “Why freak out about something I can’t change?”
That was when I really started to see the benefits and began reflecting on my past.
I realized that since returning from my deployment, I had become very irritable, not a great people person, and had very little patience.
The reaction time between something happening and my response was almost immediate.
If my girlfriend confronted me about a problem, I would immediately either get defensive and blame her or just shut down and ignore her.
Literally all of this started to change, just from consistently meditating for eight minutes a day!
My life has been drastically different since then. I am much more calm and collected. I don’t get upset over little things, especially if they’re out of my control.
My response time to a stimulus has greatly increased so I can choose the type of reaction I have and think about what to say.
My relationship with my wife (the same girlfriend from before) is incredible, and we know how to communicate like mature adults by allowing time to see the reality of a situation and choose how we respond to it.
I’ve brought about an awareness that allows me to continually grow as a person and manage the hidden stressors that often go by unnoticed.
This is just part of a long list of benefits from meditation, and I could go on and on… like how nice it is to be able to travel in third world countries without constantly keeping an eye out for ambushes or looking for my next piece of cover (a habit I had from deployment).
Although it’s great to talk about meditation and its benefits, what I really want people to understand is that there may be a lot more stress in your life than you realize, and when you meditate you become aware of that stress and are able to shift how you respond to it.
When it comes to this type of stress, the older you are, the worse it gets.
If you have ten, twenty, thirty-plus years of having negative experiences without intentionally prioritizing positive ones, you are much more likely to easily become stressed and have a negative view of the world.
The more hidden stress you experience, the more efficient your body gets at activating your physiological stress response, commonly known as “fight or flight” mode.
Ask yourself this: Were you, or someone you know, once “carefree” but are now afraid of heights, flying, and think natural disasters and shootings are about to happen whenever you leave home?
Well, you can thank your body’s efficient adaptability for that. The more stressful situations you have (and yes, watching all the negative things on the news is stressful), the more your body thinks it needs to switch into the fight or flight response to keep you safe.
That means your brain becomes more efficient at recognizing even the smallest of stressors, and less efficient at calming down or noticing positive things.
For me, it was a condensed time period that required a lot of worst-case scenario thinking. When you are constantly exposed to driving on roads with IEDs (improvised explosive devices), that stress response will condition your physiology to tell you that roads are a very dangerous place.
The same thing happens if you only watch the news; you’ll have a very misconstrued perception of the world, and you’ll be constantly feeding the bias your brain has for negative experiences.
Evolutionarily, your brain has needed to remember negative experiences to protect you much more than it needed to remember positive experiences. It takes time to undo this wiring of neural pathways that your brain has put in place. But it can be done, and meditation is a great way to build new “positive pathways” in your brain.
There’s an enormous amount of ways to meditate so I’ll share what I’ve personally done and am still doing, in the hopes that it will help you as well.
1. Basic mindfulness meditation
I started my practice with a book called 8 Minute Meditation. It takes you through a series of different styles, most of which I liked. But from this I continued to do a simple meditation every morning of focusing on my breath. Just doing this lead me to the “ah-ha moment” I mentioned earlier.
2. Meditation apps
I also use a couple different apps now that I like to use mid-day or at night. In particular, I like the “loving kindness” options, also known as “focus on positive”. This is perfect for trying to counteract the negativity bias and rebuild positive neural pathways. There are a lot of options out there, including Calm, which is free.
3. Reading
This may not be thought of as meditation, but if meditation can be doing one task effortlessly with focused concentration on that one particular task, then reading is a type of meditation for me.
I easily enter what’s called “flow state” when I read. Not only that, I’m reading positive things which helps shape the way I think. The other end of this could also be “not watching the news”, just like I don’t like putting junk in my body by eating it, I don’t like putting junk in my body by watching/hearing it.
If reading isn’t quite your thing, then try listening to podcasts. Preferably podcasts that lift you up and feed your brain with positivity and learning. These can be easily listened to on your way to work, at the gym, cooking, walking, or you can just sit down and listen.
4. Walking
Walking is such an undervalued way to de-stress. I love walking for a lot of reasons, pretty much any major life decision my wife and I have made in the past few years has been made while walking.
In terms of meditation, walking meditation is an awesome practice. It’s a great way to bring about your awareness while getting the benefits of moving your body. Odds are, you walk at some point in your day. So if you’re strapped for time, use walking from the car to work as time to practice mindfulness.
After hating being late to the point of stressing out, I now tell myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In the here, in the now.” This has helped me drastically. Check out Thich Naht Hahn’s How to Walk for more.
There are a number of other ways to help you de-stress and become a more relaxed, positive person. These are just some ways to get started and feel less anxious, worried, and negative.
Start to use some of these strategies and it’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.
Meditation vector image via Shutterstock
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What Anxiety Can Do to Your Body & How to Calm Your Mind
“Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically, if we are willing to listen.” ~Shakti Gawain
I woke up screaming—not just any scream, but a blood-curdling sound that could have woken the dead.
My throat was searing with pain, and my pajamas were stuck to me from being so damp. After a minute or two, my heartbeat slowed and I lay back down, still shaking. It wasn’t a nightmare; I couldn’t even remember what I had dreamt.
This behavior sounds weird, but it was not an infrequent episode in our house. The week prior I’d woken up in the bathtub.
My mum would often say, “Do you remember what you did last night?” I would have no recollection whatsoever—unnerving and also frustrating.
I was experiencing what doctors refer to as “night terrors.” As a child it was just the norm—sleep walking and waking up screaming in the middle of the night. It’s only looking back now that I can provide a logical explanation for it.
You see, I had a fairly average upbringing, nothing traumatic about it, except I was always a worrier.
I felt different from other children and liked to keep myself to myself. There I would be in the playground reading a book, while others played. I was a bit of a loner and I got singled out for it. I was also quite plump as well.
The Beginning of My Anxiety
I went through many changes with my parents getting divorced, moving a few times, and both my mother and father remarrying again very quickly, all within a short space of time.
I took it all in my stride and never consciously felt any real stress or tension—or so I thought.
In hindsight, I am well aware that my brain was in constant overdrive and found a way of dealing with the anxiety that I had managed to suppress. This all came bubbling to the surface subconsciously during times of deep sleep.
Although from time to time I still wake up screaming, the sleepwalking has stopped and the night terrors have subsided. What helped? I’ve learned how to calm my mind, and now I no longer have heart palpitations and panic attacks during the night.
The brain is so powerful, and the one major organ in the body that cannot be fully explained. Through my own personal experiences, have discovered ways to work with my brain so I have more control over my thoughts and behavior.
I will elaborate on this, but first I would like to tell you another story to prove just how powerful our minds are.
The Mind/Body Connection
Last year, one of my closest friends began to feel tingling all over her body. It would come and go in waves but was mainly focused on her hands, feet, and back.
I’d known my friend for years, and she always struck me as confident, strong, and ‘together.’
For months she suffered these symptoms and saw several doctors, consultants, and neurologists. She had numerous blood tests and scans, just to be told there was nothing wrong with her.
My friend was at her wits end, constantly on Google and convinced she had a severe neurological condition such as MS. Nobody believed her and everyone (including myself) assumed she was being a hypochondriac.
My friend did not give up. She continued in her pursuit, getting a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth opinion—as many as it would take until someone could give her an accurate diagnosis and actually help her.
Eventually, she found a specialist and neurological consultant in London, who explained that she did have a neurological condition, but it was more of a disorder than a disease.
My friend had an unstable childhood and always felt unloved and unwanted. Having carried around many insecurities for years, and having excessively worried about everything, she had developed a disorder whereby her nervous system was in a constant state of shock, known as the “fight or flight mode.”
She was diagnosed with a psychosomatic illness and then referred to a counsellor.
In laymen’s terms, there had been a severe psychiatric disturbance in my friend’s brain, which had built up over years primarily due to stress and anxiety. With no means to channel or express these feelings, her nerves had become highly sensitized, mimicking symptoms similar to those of MS and Parkinson’s disease.
Also known as Neurological Anxiety Disorder, this disease affects many who are not even aware they have it.
For example, you could be suffering from severe headaches. You go to work every day to do a job that you detest. Eventually, you leave this job and find another one. Simultaneously, your headaches stop. It wouldn’t occur to many individuals to connect the dots.
There are countless of examples just like this, which affect thousands all over the world, every day—all because of built up stress.
I’m sharing my friend’s experience and mine because I believe it is important for such conditions to be openly discussed and understood.
Although liberal in most parts, we still live in a society that thinks a mental condition defines the individual as being mad and unhinged—it’s a taboo subject. Unfortunately, this compels victims to suffer in silence due to the fear of being judged.
Calm Your Mind
We all have our emotional issues to bear. During the whirlwind of daily life, it is paramount that we learn to relax more frequently. Relaxation and peace are qualities that are neither expensive nor difficult to obtain, if we prioritize and make time for them.
The best time to relax, I find, is in the evening, a few hours before I go to sleep. I have a routine that has helped me to have more of a restful sleep, enabling me to feel refreshed when I awake in the mornings. Very straightforward, it can be applied by anyone.
Three Tips to Relax Before Bed
1. Unplug.
At least two hours before sleep, stop watching TV, using your phone, or engaging with any technology. Get into the habit of winding down by reading, listening to relaxing music, or having a hot bath. Any creative hobby is good, as long as it’s relaxing.
2. Keep a journal.
Reflecting on your day and writing about your problems, worries, and irritants can help unload your mind so you can go to sleep with a clearer head.
This process can also help you find solutions. Try writing all your problems in order of priority and deciding how you will tackle them, one by one. This will give you a sense of control, help you seeing what is really important, and enable you to put the smaller worries into perspective.
3. Meditate lying in bed.
Here’s a simple technique I use: Imagine being in your favorite place. Travel to the most idyllic location or scenario you can picture in your mind’s eye. Visualize all your worries and concerns becoming more distant, a world away from you and your blissful, special place.
These steps are simple but extremely effective.
So often we go to sleep emotionally charged, with our brains still buzzing. Finding time daily to unwind prevents long-term anxiety, stress, tension, and, yes, illnesses.
A restful sleep has a big influence over our brain activity and determines how focused and energized we are physically, mentally, and emotionally the following day.
Incorporating Serenity into Your Day
1. Practice deep breathing.
Our breathing and physical state have a huge influence over our mental state. During the day, when you are feeling overwhelmed, get into the habit of stopping and focusing on your breath.
Take five minutes and do nothing—be still, try to quiet your thoughts, and focus only on your breathing; in through your nose, out through your mouth. Do this a dozen times and you will feel better and more composed.
2. Tap your way to peace.
Tapping several times on pressure points such as your wrists, the inside of your finger tips, neck, and chest can also help relax you. While tapping, imagine you are sending tranquil energy directly into your body. It only takes a few minutes, and you can do it anywhere and as frequently as you like.
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If you believe that you suffer from an abnormal level of anxiety or have experienced symptoms like my friend’s or mine, is important that you seek help.
We all need to de-stress and focus on becoming more balanced. If we don’t get into the habit of fostering inner peace, we could experience severe consequences that take a lot of time to rectify in the long run.
We need to nourish our minds by providing the tranquility it needs to function efficiently and proactively.
Meditation silhouette via Shutterstock
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Why Stress Is Good for You and How to Respond to It
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor Frankl
These days we can’t seem to get away from stress. We all feel it, and we all hate it. Even my sister’s two dogs are on a special diet for their stress-induced digestive issues, and I’m pretty sure they hate stress too.
Recently it hit me: Our relationship with stress is dysfunctional. No wonder we’re stuck in an anxiety-ridden existence!
Stress is Love
Stress has gotten a bad rep, but it serves an important function—it keeps us safe from danger. Closely linked to our ability to feel fear, stress enables us to be alert and respond to perceived threats in our environment.
When we perceive a threat, the amygdala in our brain sends a distress signal to our hypothalamus, which activates our sympathetic nervous system. This switches our body into “fight or flight” mode, triggering a series of physiological responses to help us get away from whatever is threatening us.
Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released, and our heart rate and blood pressure increase. Our blood sugar levels rise to give us more energy, and our breath quickens. This sharpens our senses and gives us a temporary boost in energy, strength, and reaction times.
All of this happens in the name of increasing our chances of survival and keeping us alive. We wouldn’t be here as a species if we were not able to feel stress and react accordingly in dangerous situations.
Bottom line? Stress loves us and wants to keep us safe. We owe stress a big fat thank you wrapped up in an apology for bad-mouthing it all the time.
This realization was a tough pill to swallow. A few years ago burnout brought me down to my knees physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I blamed stress and hadn’t quite forgiven it for all the suffering it caused me.
The truth? Stress wasn’t to blame. If I had properly acknowledged it, seen the red flags, and reacted sooner then maybe I never would have burned out in the first place.
This was hard to accept, but it was also incredibly empowering.
The Timing Problem
Historically, being able to pick up on external stressors such as predators and fighting, hiding, or running away was a matter of life and death. The problem is that what stresses most of us these days is very different from what used to stress our ancestors, yet our bodies respond to these stressors similarly.
In other words, our bodies overreact to stressors that aren’t life-threatening. This includes internal stressors like negative thoughts and external stressors like deadlines or, in my case, toddler tantrums.
It’s a timing issue. We live in a modern time where we experience stress 24/7, but we’re armed with a primitive stress response with which to cope. This stress response is activated so frequently that our bodily functions and stress hormones rarely have a chance to return to normal levels.
If fighting or sprinting away from deadlines, relatives, bills, responsibilities, toddlers, and traffic police was a socially acceptable way to deal with our daily stressors then we’d be all set. In most cases though, running away, hiding, or fighting makes matters worse.
And so we get stuck—bombarded by stressors and experiencing the physiological symptoms of stress that we’re biologically programmed to experience, yet unable to cope by responding how we’ve historically responded.
It is this prolonged stress that has a negative effect on our health and our life. Long-term effects can include disrupted sleep, a compromised immune system, poor digestive function, increased abdominal fat, blood pressure changes, brain fog, low mood, sugar cravings, inflammation, and chronic pain to name a few.
I’ve experienced most of these and they aren’t pretty. The hardest part was clawing my way out of bed every morning because I was so wiped out and exhausted down to my core.
No wonder I hated stress!
Reset Your Relationship With Stress
When it finally hit me that stress comes from a place of love and protection, I decided once and for all to mend my dysfunctional relationship with stress.
I’m now convinced that our relationship to stress is one relationship we can’t afford not to heal. Our health, happiness, and sanity are riding on it.
Here are three steps you can take to reset your toxic relationship with stress and restore its rightful place as your ally.
1. Shift your stress mindset.
Stop badmouthing stress and blaming it for ruining in your life. It’s not an external evil force out to get you, so show it a little bit of respect. To get it on your side, you need to first believe that it is on your side and that you are in control.
Believing that stress has my best interests in mind, I now ask myself: What is my experience of stress right now trying to tell me?
For me, it is often a signal that I have taken on too many things at once and need to slow down. Or, that I have been prioritizing everyone else and haven’t been taking good enough care of myself.
2. Mend your relationship to stress.
Instead of judging stress, start making more of an effort to get to know your stress response. Like any supportive relationship that is based on trust and mutual respect, the first step is to listen. Pay attention and get curious:
- How does your unique experience of stress feel?
- What are your triggers?
- Where does stress show up in your life?
I experience stress as back, neck, and shoulder pain, coupled with a tightening sensation in my stomach that is often accompanied by digestive issues.
Some of my triggers include work deadlines, the travel hustle (scrambling to get a million things done before a trip), sleep deprivation, the deadly combination of gluten and dairy, my email inbox, feeling rushed, and having to get my son into his car seat.
3. Change how you engage with stress.
Learn how to de-escalate your stress response. Most of us don’t know how because we weren’t taught. It’s as simple as learning a few new skills to put to use when you feel stress getting the best of you, and committing to actually using them.
Mother nature wouldn’t have given us a highly sensitive stress response if we didn’t need it. She also wouldn’t have done so without equipping us with simple ways to switch it off. Breathing, laughter, meditation, and changing our internal dialogue are a few examples of this.
We’ve become so busy in our lives that we’ve lost touch with this and turned stress into the enemy. This is disempowering because we’re actually in control of our mind and body, so we’re in control of our experience of stress.
I use different techniques to switch off my stress response depending on the stress trigger I’m facing, how desperate I am, and where I am. Some are more conducive to being done in public than others. I recently did an eleven-minute kundalini meditation with my arms up in the air on an airplane, but many would find that awkward!
When it’s a person causing me to get flustered—like my toddler when he is in tantrum mode—I’ve found that it’s important to stay present, connected, and “be cool.” In these instances I choose techniques that don’t involve closing my eyes or doing anything outwardly visible or obvious with my body.
For example, I’m currently loving silently repeating the phrase “all is well” in my head when I feel my stress levels escalating, and combining this with belly breathing.
First, I bring awareness to my breath. Breathing from my nose, I consciously start to slow down and deepen my breath, making sure that my abdomen is also expanding out (on the inhale) and contracting in (on the exhale) with every breath. Placing my hand on my belly helps.
Then, I begin to repeat the phrase “all is well” in my head as I inhale, and repeat it again as I exhale. As I do this, I retain my awareness on my breath and on the movement of my abdomen. I keep repeating this phrase and breathing pattern for a minute, or longer if necessary.
Slowing down my breath connects me with the present moment and automatically turns off my body’s stress response. Repeating “all is well” reshapes my thoughts and signals to my mind that I am safe, also switching my body out of “fight or flight” mode.
Basically, I’m assuring myself that there is no predator in the room, so it’s okay to relax!
Do you have any go-to techniques you use to regulate your stress response? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.
Stress image via Shutterstock
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How Using Your Hands Creatively Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety
“Making something, even imperfectly is empowering because it’s an expression of the self.” ~Alton & Carrie Barron MD
Do you ever suffer from stress or anxiety?
If so, you’ve probably tried to find relief, but finding something that works for you can be quite hard. We all react differently to different remedies, and what works for one person may not be the best remedy for you.
I used to suffer from stress and anxiety a lot. After trying lots of different remedies, I finally found relief in an activity I never considered would help.
I was locked into a life dependent on templates for everything that wasn’t basic living. Without clear instructions, clear steps, and a clear understanding of the desired end, I couldn’t get myself to start a project, journey, or activity, no matter how big or small.
At every seminar or webinar, I asked a million questions. I needed to know everything in excruciating detail. The thought of missing or misunderstanding something would send me into a panic.
Just the thought of doing anything without knowing every step in advance caused me tremendous stress and anxiety. Even in something as innocuous sounding as in creating art.
I always loved art. Art materials always made me salivate, but I never made the time for it because I didn’t know what to do with those gorgeous materials.
Years ago when I was a kindergarten teacher, I used to love watching how the kids expressed themselves creatively in their art. It brought me so much joy that I eventually became an art teacher.
This got me involved in reading any and every book on art and creativity I could find.
How I First Heard of This Unlikely Cure for Anxiety and Stress
Not until I started reading voraciously about all kinds of creative art for adults and how healing it was did I discover the connection between stress, anxiety, and using your hands to create.
If I could bottle its effects, I would make a fortune.
I read a wonderful book called Painting Your Way out of a Corner about the amazing meditative effects of different types of unplanned and improvisational art.
Then I read The Creativity Cure by Alton and Carrie Barron, both doctors who talk about how healing creative hand use is, which is the act of using your hands along with your imagination to create something new.
From those books, I learned that creative hand use that focuses on process rather than result can relieve anxiety and stress. I also learned that the creative activity couldn’t rely on following a template.
Creative hand use is supposed to help you by expressing yourself. When you follow a template, you are not expressing yourself; you are expressing the person who designed the template.
When we make something, even imperfectly, especially imperfectly, we are truly expressing ourselves, which is what helps us relieve our stress and anxiety. This is why art that focuses on the process as opposed to the product is so much better.
According to the books, creative hand use, when done right, could relieve anxiety and stress in the following ways:
You gain more self-awareness.
Painting and doing art from imagination evokes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that block us in normal day-to-day experience. It loosens up our thinking and leads to notice how we make decisions.
Do we hide from our mistakes or try to cover them up? Can we let go and be responsive to the moment or do we need stay in control? Are we scared of making a mess, looking silly, not being good enough? All of these things come into play as we create without preconceived ideas and embrace the results.
Once you have this new awareness, you can use it to make better choices and be more effective. This will help clear up your anxieties thus making you happier and less stressed.
You become more resilient.
As you create, you might find that sometimes you try something that doesn’t work out quite as you thought it would. You learn to accept this and simply continue with the process. You continue and try to make the best of what you’ve got. After a while, you’ll notice that when things in your life don’t go as planned or when you’ve made a mistake, you can more quickly recover and move on.
You become more confident in your decisions.
By valuing the process of what you are doing, you learn how you make decisions. Simple projects need many small decisions that lead to larger ones. As you make decisions and notice that you can deal with any of their outcomes, you begin to have less anxiety and more confidence in your decision-making.
You experience peace of mind, tranquility, and sense of well-being.
Certain types of creative work put you into a meditative state as you focus on what you are doing by being strictly in the moment. This will also give you all the benefits that meditation promises, like peace of mind, tranquility, and a sense of well-being that leads to a less stressful life.
So Did Creative Hand Use Heal My Stress and Anxiety?
I had to see for myself if it was true.
I chose mixed media as my creative activity because it seemed to fit the criteria the best; you need no skill or template to do it. It uses a combination of painting, doodling, pasting, stamping, and stenciling, and there is no wrong way to do any of it.
Creating without some guidelines can lead to chaos and anxiety, so to begin, I gathered the most exciting project ideas that I found from all of my notes, bought some materials, and then started a small class in mixed media art with some neighbors.
As we started, I quickly realized that I needed everything to be perfect even before we got started. I needed to check my materials and my notes to see if we had everything I might need; just beginning was quite a hurdle for me to overcome.
When I began, a refrain would run through my mind, “It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be,” over and over again as I struggled with things not being exact.
Only as I continued with the art did my anxieties start to resolve over time.
What a freeing, relaxing feeling.
Over time, I also noticed I had fewer problems with my stress and anxieties in everyday life. I noticed I could start projects earlier without obsessing over every little detail. I found that I wasn’t as anxious in the face of big decisions. I discovered that, in general, I felt more calm, relaxed, and at ease.
Get Rid of Your Stress and Anxiety Once and for All
Just because I chose mixed media art to be my art vehicle does not mean that you cannot get the same benefits with other forms of creative hand use as well.
Unplanned watercolor painting (as discussed in the book Painting Your Way Out of a Corner), sculpting, or clay work can give you the same benefits.
If art is not your thing, then other types of creative hand use are available such as gardening, crocheting, knitting, woodworking, or even cooking.
You will express yourself, and you will become more self-reliant, productive, stress-free, and happier as you get absorbed in something greater than yourself—your creative handiwork.
The important thing is to choose one of these creative activities that you feel drawn to and then to make serious time for it.
Once you get hooked, you won’t know how you handled your stress before you got creative.
And a wonderful new world will open before you.
Painting image via Shutterstock
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4 Ways to Change Your World by Being Kind
“Respond kindly to someone who is unkind to you.” ~Lori Deschene (from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, January 15)
Growing up with an alcoholic father, I was often on the receiving end of his anger. As a child, I didn’t realize his behavior was a reflection of how he felt inside and wasn’t about me at all.
I thought he was angry because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong. I felt like if I could just be perfect enough, maybe he would love me. I tried and tried, but trying to be perfect didn’t work.
As I got older, I learned to react to everyone around me. If someone was rude, I was rude back. If someone yelled at me, I yelled back. This harmed my relationships and caused a lot of isolation in my life.
I wanted to be alone because I felt like everyone hurt me. But, I discovered, that is not the answer.
It’s taken me years to realize that I’m responsible for my own behavior and can’t control others. I now focus on behaving with kindness to everyone and my relationships have improved as a result.
It’s not always easy, but the following tools have helped.
If someone triggers fear and anxiety, don’t respond until you are calm.
Reacting to what someone is saying rather than responding from a place of calm rarely goes well. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer every question. I can say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” and come back later in a better frame of mind.
When another person projects their fear onto you, it’s okay to walk away.
I came to the realization that I was walking into my parents’ house in a state of agitation and defensiveness; I was adding my anger and anxiety to the negative energy in the house.
An amazing thing happened when I stopped walking in the door that way; it seemed to positively affect everyone’s energy. There is a sense of peace in our interactions that wasn’t there before.
Now, when I walk into any situation at work or with family, I check my attitude when I walk in the door. Often, that makes a big difference.
When you don’t add your fuel to the fire, sometimes the fire goes out.
Don’t make up stories about the motivations of others.
I’ve come to understand that a lot of the things I think in my head aren’t true.
If a friend calls and cancels, I tell myself it’s because she doesn’t want to hang out with me. If my husband is in a bad mood, I tell myself it’s because he’s unhappy with me.
I don’t know any of those things. They are only stories in my head. These stories create defensiveness in me, which creates conflict where none exists.
There are a million reasons people might cancel plans or be in a bad mood. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you.
You can’t make another person happy or unhappy. Another person cannot make you happy or unhappy. A person’s happiness comes from their own thoughts and behavior, not what someone else is doing.
The next time someone does something and you assume you know why, question whether you really know if that’s true.
Try love first.
Most people are doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. We are all in this together and at our core, we are basically good.
Hatred and anger cannot wipe out hatred and anger. But sometimes love and understanding can.
I was always waiting for an apology or a change in behavior from the other person. Sometimes it has to begin with you. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that the other person may never change.
What is hurting you most is your behavior toward them. Changing that will help you feel better.
Resentment will poison you from the inside. Forgive the other person for yourself. Let the anger go.
Amazingly, sometimes that also changes the other person. But you have to go first.
Love is worth a try. Give it a shot.
Set boundaries when needed.
Part of learning to love yourself is learning to listen to your gut and speak your truth.
If someone is being unkind to you, say something.
Don’t let others treat you poorly. Treat yourself with love and compassion.
Don’t blame, criticize, or complain. Calmly state your boundaries.
Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. Sometimes, you need stronger boundaries.
But changing your behavior instead of waiting for the world to change gives you back your personal power.
Come from kindness and watch your world change.
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4 Life-Changing Lessons for People Who Struggle with Anxiety
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” ~Epictetus
Sweaty. Hot. Shallow breathing.
Thoughts barreled through my mind like a never-ending freight train. I couldn’t keep up. It was everything all at once, blurred into nothing in particular.
I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, nervous anticipation building into panic. My head was spinning. My hands trembled.
Choking down a gulp, I forced the tears back that wanted to cascade down my cheeks in sobs. There would be time for that later. This wasn’t the place.
My heart raced. I was on edge. I was on the edge.
I’d catch glimpses of my thoughts as they rumbled through my brain.
Impending foreclosure on our old house. The psychiatric hospital I had been to six months ago. Bankruptcy paperwork that still needed finished.
The kids trying to make friends at their new schools. My wife playing with the budget for hours to make ends meet. Me falling asleep in my car left running in the closed garage.
I was at work. I was having a severe panic attack. And I had to go home.
Luckily, most of my anxiety attacks aren’t this severe. And thankfully, they don’t happen too often any more. Happily, this attack, which came out of nowhere and hit hard, disappeared as quickly as it came on.
The longer I deal with and work to manage my anxiety, the more I find I can learn from it. This in turn helps me cope better the next time anxiety comes along.
Here are some things I’ve learned about anxiety through my years of dealing with it:
1. Anxiety is a lie.
No matter how close to home anxiety hits, there is always a lie hiding in it somewhere.
Maybe it’s based on a false belief. Maybe the problem doesn’t have to be dealt with as immediately as it feels. Maybe there are options we haven’t considered.
But anxiety always—always—contains a lie. It might be big and in our face or it could be small, tricky and subtle. Look hard enough and we will uncover it.
One of the most powerful tools I’ve gained through working with a therapist on anxiety is learning to look for the lie. It’s difficult at first; we have to sit with our anxiety and pick through it a little bit at a time, and that’s certainly not a comfortable thing to do, but if we’re careful and patient we can find the lie. Finding the lie takes the teeth out of the anxiety.
And when we take the teeth away from anxiety, we can really begin to free ourselves. Anxiety needs a hook; it needs something to gnaw at us to keep it forward in our minds. By finding the lie and taking that hook away, we take away anxiety’s power over us.
2. “Should” should be a four-letter word.
Unreasonable expectations are, for me, at least, one of the biggest causes of anxiety. Some of the expectations I still struggle with are patterns of thinking that I can trace back to when I was a child. Because they’re so deeply engrained, they’re some of the toughest to get rid of.
When I was a kid, I was pretty smart. Things came easily to me. I learned quickly.
My parents, meaning to encourage me, told me I could do anything I wanted. And I believed them. And I started to expect anything I wanted out of myself.
When you’re a kid, you can get away with that. If I wanted to do something, I’d learn it and do it, end of story. As an adult, things became more complicated.
We can’t just want a particular job and make it happen. There are too many outside circumstances and other people involved. I should do that particular job isn’t just something that happens when you put your mind to it.
When we start thinking about how we should be, we can really get ourselves into a trap. We should be this to that person and this when we do that—we’re just continually setting ourselves up to fail. “Should” doesn’t allow for any wiggle-room or compromise.
“Should” can hurt us in other ways too.
3. “Perfect” should be a four-letter word, too.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so for me, being good at something isn’t good enough. I should be perfect, dammit! Please tell me you caught the “should” in that statement, right?
Perfectionism is my old reliable. My trusty friend. My almighty hammer.
The expectations that come from perfectionism can bury us alive. It’s a never-ending race that we’re never going to win.
No matter how much I want to, I will never be the perfect husband, father, or son. The amount of anxiety I have felt in my forty-two years of life trying to be one of these three things is immeasurable. Think about how much time I’ve wasted worrying about being something I could never be.
Perfect is such a damaging expectation, in any respect. When “good” or “just okay” will suffice in most situations, why do we torture ourselves chasing an impossible ideal?
The truth is, when perfectionists start settling for “good” is when we really start to shine. We’re unencumbered by the restraint of high expectation and that allows us to work to really high levels—levels we’ve probably been failing to hit in the past.
Anxiety comes about when we place these unattainable, perfect goals in front of ourselves. And our failures, which we will most certainly encounter, only serve to push us harder after our goals. Perfectionism becomes a never-ending cycle of anxiety and failure that we need to let go of.
4. Anxiety is an ultimatum.
The last lesson I’m taking away from this recent panic attack is this: anxiety always makes you an ultimatum. All or nothing. Black or white.
There is no gray area when it comes to anxiety. Now don’t get me wrong, anxiety will hide in the subtleties of our doubts, but it will force us into taking a black and white view of ourselves, our situation, or our surroundings. Anxiety leads us to think that we’ve got only one choice to make.
In my panic attack, I got overwhelmed by several different situations I’m dealing with right now. I am facing foreclosure on the house I’ve just moved out of. I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy.
My kids are having to adjust to being the new kids at their schools since we’ve moved. We do have to be careful with our money right now. I am scared that I will have to go back to the psychiatric hospital again—or worse.
But my anxiety attack turned all of these things into ultimatums for me. I felt like I had to resolve all of these issues at once (and immediately!) or the world would end. The fear I felt was so strong I was unable to think these problems through rationally.
Once I did get home from work, I cried myself to sleep. Waking up, I could feel that the fear had left me. I was able to look at myself, the anxiety attack, and my problems in a clear-headed manner.
What I saw was man suffering from anxiety, having been hit, but not harmed, by severe panic. I saw a man that was regaining his composure, a man who was moving on. I saw a man who was stronger for what he had just been through.
Peaceful man image via Shutterstock
