Hi again, Starlight1 🌟:

I would like to develop my thoughts about forgiveness and conflated issues in the context of my life experience.

I am not at all telling you how it is for you, or how it should be.

This is my personal reflection that maybe will help you somewhat (it will probably help me because developing my thoughts this way often helps me):

First, forgiveness is a personal choice. It’s up to me 2-forgive or not-2-forgive.

It’s part of my agency, my right, my perogative- nothing that anyone else has the right to pressure or force me to do.

It’s not up to the perpetrator to pressure me to forgive her (or him), and it’s not up to any religious doctrine to pressure me either. It’s no one’s business but my own.

* To forgive, for me, means to let go of the anger at the person who harmed me- Not to approve of or excuse the harm perpetrated against me, but to let go of the anger.

I will let go of the anger only if and when I no longer feel threatened by the perpetrator.

As long as I feel threatened, I need the anger to protect me.

As far as me harming others- I regret every time I did, and my strong resolve is to Do-No-Harm.

Harming others in the past does not excuse someone else harming me (except if the person I just harmed is defending herself or reacting angrily to my abuse).

Secondly, forgiving someone does not mean interacting with them. I can forgive (let go of anger) and never interact with the person again.

* Even though my mother is a very old woman, I can’t and won’t interact with her (haven’t for 12-13 years) because I’m still afraid of her. Not that she can hit me, I suppose, not physically- but because she can still shame and guilt-trip me. The pain of those things is still vivid in me.

Strange perhaps, I still love her and I’m still afraid of her, such is the Nature of Trauma Bonding.

So, I am choosing to forgive my mother and to never see her or hear her in real- life. Not so to punish her but so to protect the little girl within myself (aka inner child) because.. she’s afraid, understandably, rightfully.

And I will never blame the girl within me for being afraid. She has her valid reasons.

My protection from my mother is continued zero interaction. Secure in this protection ( no longer feeling guilty for protecting myself this way), I can let go of the anger. Amen.

That’s it, Starlight1 🌟

Again, these are my personal conflating-undoing
thoughts 🙂. I hope to read yours.

🌿 ✨️ Anita