Hey anita

Wow, i didnt see ur post when i posted mine and then went straight to sleep.

To be honest, no i am still confused with myself. I can’t seem to be able to make a decision and stick with it. I am tortured by constant doubts and uncertainty, sorrow, void.
Today i woke up and i instantly checked my feelings and i still feel apathy. It feels so real, i also dont wanna do anything, i want to lay there. I went and opened her amazing and cute gift for my birthday again, to smell her perfume and read her cards and i could only shed one small tear which felt “forced”, but nothing like some days ago where i’d cry a lot.

Something i noticed, we had two days of videocalls last week. In the first day everything were going fine and we were laughing, until she brought up the talk about “future goals and compatibility”. We discussed what i posted in my previous posts and she said “idk where this all leads, if we’re compatible” and i felt like i was convincing her to stay again (even tho it’s probably in my mind). I told her there is only one way to find out, to experience it. Then, as i was telling her my opinion on marriage and stuff (something inside me was questioning “why are u doing all this?”), i felt like she’s gonna leave because of what i told her. So then i asked her “u are gonna end things, right? Now that u found out we don’t have the same goals” (even though mine wasnt much different than hers). And she said “well i can’t tell u for sure now but i’ll think of this convo 100%”. Then in the next day/videocall i was much more apathetic/bored and near the end of the call she was joking about her being single and instead of me taking it as a joke, i started doubting her in my mind and i felt annoyed with this joke. So, yesterday i woke up crying in the thought of leaving “my little heart”, but now i am again distant and i dont feel the same emptiness when i think of the future without her.

Could this be a defense mechanism that activates when i perceive rejection in the future? (much like our november talk, this one also felt similar, the one about goals and marriage)