“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
The other day I received a comment on an old blog post that started with, “You’re full of crap,” and ended with, “I don’t know, and idiots like you don’t help us figure it out.”
Shortly after, I received an email from a new blogger who recently contributed to the site. She mentioned she’d received her first harsh comment, and she wanted to know if this is normal, and how she should deal with it.
I told her she will likely engage in far more constructive, uplifting conversations than negative, hurtful ones.
But this kind of thing is to be expected when you write about emotionally charged topics, especially since we often search for self-help articles when we’re looking for answers—or we’re looking to forget the answer we already know: that pain is unavoidable, and sometimes we simply need to go through it.
With this in mind, I responded privately to my reader, “I get the impression you’re really hurting right now. Is there some way I can help?”
Right then I thought about all the times I lashed out at people when I was suffering in the past. And I thought about how justified I felt in hurting others, especially when they’d hurt me first, or failed to really help.
These are not things I am proud to admit, and they’re not things I’d recommend or condone. We all have a responsibility to learn healthy ways to cope.
But I suspect if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us can identify moments when we acted thoughtlessly, from a place of sorrow or anger.
Most of us have felt pain burning like a hot coal in our hands and felt desperate to unload it, somehow, somewhere.
I don’t appreciate being called an idiot, and I know I don’t deserve it, just like none of us deserve misdirected rage from a family member, coworker, or stranger.
We have a right to set boundaries and communicate when something is not okay. But the world is a better place when we choose to do that from a place of love and compassion instead of righteousness and judgment.
We all act thoughtlessly at times. Most often we don’t mean to hurt each other. We just don’t recognize or remember how to stop hurting ourselves.
Photo by Yim Hafiz
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I love this blog, I have done this in my life and I have had it done to me often as well. Some of the most hurtful of arguments are with those that are deeply hurting inside. Its up to us to realize when this is happening and help with what we can.Thanks for writing this Lori!
It’s always amazing when one is able to “remove themself” from the situation and see it with compassion. When someone lashes out, it’s most often not even about the person on the receiving end so it benefits everyone when they don’t take it personally. Offering help to someone who has hurt you is one of the kindest, most unselfish gifts you can give.
Well said, Lori – thanks for this beautifully written piece! It was a great reminder for me today.
fits right in with yesterday’s blog (by your guest) about Perceptual Language
My favorite part: “We have a right to set boundaries and communicate when something is not okay.
But the world is a better place when we choose to do that from a place of love
and compassion, instead of righteousness and judgment.”
All I can say is keep doing what your doing and know that your work changes lives…even the grumpy ones! 😀
I have done this recently..lashed out at someone i love and i behaved so badly but the other person just took it without saying a word. I felt embarrassed at myself for losing control like that and with her not saying a word and still talking to me the same way she used to before made me realize how insensitive i was. I had no right to talk like that but at the end of it..still being part of her life made me feel honored
I’ve been meaning to write for a long time, to thank you, but have never seemed to find the right time – largely due to my wanting to say something eloquent and insightful. But, after reading this post I decided this is the right time and that it doesn’t really matter how i say it, just that I do … I am so very grateful for what you do. I have found tiny buddha to be so incredibly helpful and inspiring to my journey. it makes me laugh, cry, nod knowingly, breath deeply, smile. I appreciate the honesty, love, time, thought, passion that you put into this blog. In short – you rock! thank you for being you and for doing this for us – you make a huge difference in peoples lives!
This post is absolutely perfectly timed, because it is an issue I am having to deal with at the moment – only I’m the one who is lashing out. Over the last couple of days I have found myself in a place where I have hurt someone I love very much and I realise that it is because I am hurting. The situation triggers something in me that makes me feel unimportant or not good enough and I want to hit out and make someone else feel as bad as I do. And so I now recognise this and hopefully will be able to be aware of and moderate my responses in the future!
I learned this lesson in life just over a year ago through attending a week long retreat and since then has been so life changing and freeing for me. Now admittedly I do still take things personally on occasion but as soon as I find myself in that place I am able to get myself out of it so much faster and think to myself how arrogant it is of me to make it all about me.
Both your blog and your guest’s blog, James McWhinney, were very timely and quite helpful to me today … Though I am finding that all of your blogs (and guest’s blogs) are timely and helpful … I love the synchronicity that your posts have in my life! I have been working very hard on my connection to “what is”. Working on aligning myself with the universe and my higher power. I have done this all of my life and find that being human means that we can never stop working on staying “centered” staying aligned with all that is. I am 65 years old and laugh inside at finding myself at another crossroads in my life. Which way to go? Working on manifesting my dreams … Life is wonderful and I am so thankful to have found you to help keep my spirits high. Your little reminders of the importance of facing life, head on …with a smile on my face, joy in my heart and love in my soul. I could go on … just, thank you, Lori, for the work that you do and for sharing your life in such a public forum. Love, light, joy, peace, well-being and great abundance to you 😀 ♥
“Most of us have felt pain burning like a hot coal in our hands, and felt desperate to unload it, somehow, somewhere.” This was palapable to me…
Sometimes the truth hurts
Thank you so much! I can really relate to this article!
This is so true, so beautifully written, and so timely – as always! This is fresh for me because I recently made a little youtube movie for my blog about this very thing (http://youtu.be/2qSTUl4Vkg8) and I noticed that when people didn’t respond to it, my own pain started to rise-up about “not being seen or understood”, and I saw this very cycle begin to take shape in me, how we separate or even lash out (wether it is only in our minds, or outwardly) towards others to protect ourselves, when the truth is, it is only our own thoughts and pain that we are suffering from, not theirs.
As soon as I saw this starting to take shape in me, I laughed at the beauty of how everything I try to do “to try and help others” (including this little video), is really only for me – to continue my OWN understanding and evolution. Helping others is just a nice side-effect of that. As they say, it is all within!
thank you for sharing your HONEST experience, it takes a great amount of courage to recognize this in yourself – and to put it out there for others to learn from! Bravo for you. 🙂 We hurt others because we hurt, and the cycle continues! but it stops when we’re willing to face it in ourselves – it all begins with us!
This is so true. I take things much more neutrally ever since I’ve discovered that when someone else is mean towards you, it’s not your problem most of the time, but the way in which their hurt makes them perceive you.
🙂
Hi Lori,
This really hit home for me. I recently had to stop speaking with an ex boyfriend who really hurt me. And in the moment I was so hurt, I wanted to lash out and respond with any horrible phrase I could muster. And I have to admit, initially I did. But then I sat down, thought passed the hurt and realized that I should thank him. And I did! I sent him a thank you note for the joys and the pain because I learned a lot about myself. I’m not saying it still doesn’t hurt because it doesn’t magically go away. I’m just choosing to find the lessons to grow instead. I hope this makes sense.
Thanks for validating my choice!
Thank you for this post. Ah, the countless times in my life where I’ve taken things far too personally–the grief, stress, and needless worry about things beyond my control. Finally, I understand; thank you.
Reading your response, I had a “light-bulb” moment….a way to think about what’s going on when people lash out at me….
awesome!
Thanks! 😀
Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I appreciate your kind words! When I think about the impact I’d like to make, I hope to do exactly what you described. Thank you for being part of the community here. =)
Thanks so much for taking the time to write Sarah! I’m glad the posts have been helpful to you. I enjoyed James’ post as well. His questions really got me thinking about what matters to me and what I want to do with my time. Sending love, light, peace, and joy right back to you!
You’re most welcome. I’ve done the same, and it’s something I’ve really been working at over these past few years. It’s such a sense of freedom to let go in this way!
That’s wonderful Taryn! I imagine it feels great to focus on the lessons and not the pain. I think every struggle we have in life can seem not only bearable but also useful if we recognize how it can help us grow and thrive.
Thank *you* for reading and sharing your thoughts!
Thanks Allanah! I know I appreciate it when people offer me compassion. I hope my email to her (and the rest of our email exchange) helped.
Thanks so much Deborah! I really appreciated the post on perceptual language. It’s such a great way to take responsibility for our own experience and create change from the inside out!
Sounds like you have a wonderful friend. =)
I second what Sunni wrote. I really admire that you shared this story! I actually had something silly happen recently that triggered similar feelings (that I am not good enough) so I know how uncomfortable that can be. I really believe that self-awareness is everything. We’re all works in progress!
That’s a good point Andrea. It reminds me of the quote, “You wouldn’t worry so much of what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” This one really made me think!
Wow, this is really insightful. That’s great advice to approach an angry person with love and compassion. When I’m feeling angry or scared or helpless, I tend to lash out at people. But that’s when I need love the most! It’s important to recognize this in others instead of dismissing their anger.
That’s too bad that you got a hurtful comment. I learn a lot from your blog, and I appreciate how you try to get us to see things from a different angle. Thanks!
It takes a long time to realize that people who say hurtful things like this are really hurting themselves. They long for help, but can’t break through their own pain and lash out instead.
I told my mom one time (well probably more than once) that I was not angry at her, and that I had forgiven her a long time ago. She called me a liar. It hurt. After some time passed, I realized that she thought I was lying…because forgiveness is not something she understands or has been able to do. She asked me once what it was that I wanted, I said I just wanted her to respect me…she said I didn’t deserve it. Well, again, it hurt. Again, I realized that her comment had more to do with herself than with me.
People can’t hurt you unless you let them. It’s hard to grasp, I know that. However, reading A New Earth sort of helped me with that in regards to my mom.
xoxo to you…and I hope you know, that person and their comment is just a lashing out, and it’s not personal.
This is so true. I work in mental health and I see this time and again with my clients, as their relationships suffer because they cannot seem to stop self destructing. On a different (probably less obvious) level, I see this in my own life also. This is a real reminder to stop and step back when we want to lash out, and to recognise that moment as an opportunity to respond in a different, more healing way. Thank you.
Well done for your response! I find it hard not to take things personally, I guess it’s just part of the journey to learn to be more rational 🙂
Lori, I love reading your wisdom “hurt people hurt people”…I want to ask you; I am always working to non-reactively respond lovingly or positively when attacked however recently a tragic betrayal happened where a good girlfriend and the gent I was dating for years had an affair behind my back…I let them have it in a conversation and then cut off communication with both – I am not proud that I got angry with them but my traditionally balanced yoga self couldn’t handle this one; when a betrayal that is so hurtful happens, how does one take the high road?
I can really relate to your experiences with your mother. What a great insight about her capacity for forgiveness. It’s helped me a lot to adopt this mindset, that most of the harsh words and deeds that have come my way haven’t really been about me.
Thank you for sharing your experiences here!
Thanks so much Sage! That’s such a good point, about when we need love the most. There have been times when I’ve gone from extreme anger to tears and realized that pain was bubbling right under the surface. It helps me to remember that other people are a lot like me!
Hi there,
I’m so sorry to learn about this betrayal. It’s tough for me to speak to this, as I’ve never been in your shoes, and everything is so much different when it’s theoretical. However, I have been deeply hurt in the past, by someone I trusted.
What helped me was to communicate my feelings clearly, so that I acknowledged it was not okay to treat my thoughtlessly or abusively, and then set clear boundaries so they could no longer hurt me. I try to honor the person I want to be by resisting the urge to rehash these incidents with the other person. So for me, it’s about respecting myself through my choices, and then consciously choosing to let go of what happened in the past. Admittedly, this is something I’ve had to do over and over again, as there are things and events that sometimes trigger me and bring up old wounds.
I’m not sure if this speaks to your experience at all, but perhaps it will provide some food for thought.
Love,
Lori
Thanks Andy! There are times when I take things personally still. It’s something I’m always working at!
You’re most welcome!
You’re most welcome Emma. It must be so rewarding to work with people as you do, knowing you make such a profound difference for their emotional well-being. Having spent a lot of time in the mental health system as a teen and in my early 20s, I know it’s a challenging job. Though I know I’ve never worked with you, I’d like to say thank you for what you do!
I know I’ve been the ultimate “Crustella” and wish there were times I could go back and erase my less than savoury behaviour. The good thing is it is all a learning experience, there have been times I was able to apologize on the spot or when I ran into the individual months later. I’ve learned that I don’t like who that person is and try my best to just let some things go or just remove myself from indivdiuals that are just not good in my life, which ends that cycle.
We are not perfect, but are all works in progress on our own journeys towards enlightment.
Beautifully written Connie! I think that’s smart about ending the cycle in those negative relationships. Sometimes it’s just best to walk away…it’s been the case in my life, as well!
let me tweet about this.
That’s very true though, and the trickiest part is we seldom recognize that we’re doing it at the exact moment. I can count on my fingers the instances where my anger and frustration has seeped out and affected my dealings with people.
Lori,
This fits perfectly in my life fight now. I have been hurting for a long time and it has not been until recently that I have discovered effective ways to deal with it. Unfortunately I have inflicted great pain and suffering on those I hold closest to my heart for quite a long time. I realize that I am impatient and want the pain to stop which causes me to digress in my efforts. This is quite a simple concept yet it is incredibly difficult as I have 30 years of making others feel what I feel. I have hope that if I continue practicing loving kindness and compassion, I will get better in time.
So, one of my roommates and his girlfriend fight a lot. They are both cool people, but it just seems to happen and I can tell that my roommate is getting tired of it. I’ve talked with both of them, not specifically about fighting and I can’t see his girlfriend starting these fights. My roommate on the other hand seems to think that she always starts them. I think it goes something like this;
The girlfriend says something stupid, or is worried about her own problems and tries to seek comfort.
The boyfriend takes the comment personally and lashes out at her, or says something even stupider in return.
I think he starts it because after one of their fights I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said, “I can never respond in a way that is remotely negative, she will just explode at me if I do.”
I wanted to tell him then that responding with more negativity doesn’t help the situation, like it just doesn’t help and only creates more conflict. In math multiplying 2 negatives makes a positive, in real life this does not happen. I didn’t actually respond this way because I had the feeling that he would take it personally, and feel that I’m attacking him, then lash out. So instead I changed the subject to bring about positive emotions.
Is there any way that I can help him, with out putting him on the defensive?
I understand. Change isn’t easy, especially when we’re working to overcome decades of conditioning and learned behavior. It sounds like you’re wonderfully self-aware. When I’ve felt frustrated with myself in the past, it helped me to remember I was being honest with myself, and that’s huge. If we know what we want to change and we work at it, there’s no reason we can’t grow over time. I’m sending lots of lots of love and good thoughts your way!
Perhaps you could say something like this, “I know this might be tough on you, and I’d love to help if I can. Would you be open to hearing my thoughts as an unbiased outsider?” In this way, you’re asking his permission to share what you perceive, which might decrease the odds of him becoming defensive.
In sharing your perceptions (if he consents to listen), it might help to phrase things along the lines of, “You might not intend to ____ but perhaps she thinks you’re ____.” In other words, don’t make direct accusations; just present different ways to look at things.
I hope this helps!
Thank you very much Lori, that’s a good idea. The next time it comes up, I’ll ask if he wants my opinion, and phrase those opinions in a way that sheds light with out pointing fingers; that will defiantly help to avoid escalating his mood.
Have a good day,
Yetti
I just found your blog and I am very impressed. I had taken some courses on line and began opening up my world to the blogging community.
I am trying to let go of my past; release negative energy and move on with my life by finding my truth. I had an ANGEL reading done a year or so ago and she said some interesting things – one being that I have taken on many burdens that are not mine to carry in this life time and this is blocking me from living my truth and my dreams. I have been putting being me aside for the sake of my child and grandchild. I did this from my heart as I felt sorry for my little grandchild that he had to endure my daughter’s anger and her dumping him off with a stranger for days at a time. My grandson’s dad paid me to watch him but that task was a 24/7 responsibility and my daughter did not grant me any time off – so for 10 months my grandson was with me day and night (he slept well with me – hardly at all in his own bed – I needed sleep, so he slept in my bed)
I recently decided that I could no longer take my daughter’s abusive tone toward me and found a job and told her she could keep her money and I left. I worry about my grandson but for the first time in 10 months I have had some time (freedom) for myself. Precious!
I did find some peace with what you wrote:
I don’t appreciate being called an idiot, and I know I don’t deserve it. Just like none of us deserve misdirected rage from a family member, coworker, or stranger.
We have a right to set boundaries and communicate when something is not okay. But the world is a better place when we choose to do that from a place of love and compassion, instead of righteousness and judgment.
We all act thoughtlessly at times. Most often we don’t mean to hurt each other. We just don’t recognize or remember how to stop hurting ourselves.
Thank you.
I know I have a long way to go but I have just taken one big step. Now I just need to find how to stop worrying about my grandson – he can’t protect himself.
You have been a great help with my journey….idiot??? Very far from it….you are an ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxx
We’re all full of crap! And full of love and beauty and pain and mistakes and everything else. I always think of this when I hear the song “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…”I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” It’s amazing how powerful and influential our negativity can be, but also the capacity to love and inspire as well, and there is nothing more courageous than being alive and vulnerable. That’s what I appreciate most about Tiny Buddha, Lori. Your willingness to express vulnerability and pain, thereby alleviating the shame of feeling like we’re not perfect or have it all figured out. Beware the righteousness of certainty!