“Happiness can only be found if you free yourself from all other distractions.” -Saul Bellow
I have had a long-standing love affair with bath tubs.
I stayed in numerous hostels while completing a semester in Europe; I stayed in hotels in nearly all of the 50 states while touring for work; and I lived in a dozen different apartments in Spokane, Washington, NYC, and the San Francisco Bay Area before moving to Los Angeles last year.
Through all of my travels, I had the world I dreamed of right outside my door, and yet I was often terrified of exploring it, and engaging with people within it. As a result, I felt utterly alone.
In those moments, when I felt a deep sense of longing and internal conflict, I’d run the water, melt into the cocoon-like heat, and watch the air fill with steam as I avoided creating clarity around my feelings.
It took me years to realize I had created a healthy crutch. This wasn’t an addiction or dangerous avoidance tactic—I had those, as well. This was something innocent and harmless, but nonetheless, a way to hide from myself.
I know lots of people who have their own “healthy crutches.” Some people throw themselves into work or hobbies so they won’t have time to think. Some people consume themselves in helping other people so they don’t have to help themselves.
None of these things are inherently bad. It’s great to relax and be productive, and the world is a better place when we look out for each other. But it’s our intentions that define our choices. With crutches of any kind, the intention is always the same: to indulge in something pleasant instead of acknowledging something unpleasant.
It’s only in acknowledging our true intentions that we’re able to understand our needs—and that’s the first step to meeting them.
I am someone who needs to explore and engage with the world. I need to be curious, and social, and active. I also need plenty of time to simply be, whether I’m meditating in a park or unwinding in the steam that feels like home.
We all have multifaceted needs, and we all lose touch with them from time to time. This means we have to be willing to check in and ask ourselves: What do I need right now? And am I addressing it or hiding from it?
Photo by Wonderlane
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Very interesting, Lori… and you are right, there are many crutches that in themselves are not bad or unhealthy as such…but they act like a smoke screen…
Hmmm, am going to think more about that and see where I can identify crutches in my life…
Honestly, food for thought. Thanks.
Renate
What an insightful post – healthy crutches is an interesting way of describing the innocent ways we use to avoid taking risks that might expand our own experiences and allow us to reach our goals. When we’ve been rejected or abused or ignored too many times by others, it becomes more and more attractive to protect ourselves by avoiding any situation that makes us vulnerable to more of the same. But, as you state, it doesn’t necessarily help us to have these healthy crutches.
One way that I’ve discovered to help me overcome my fear of future rejection and poor treatment is to realize that I am not really alone when I am in the company of me, myself and I (who I call the Royal We) – and as long as I have the acceptance of we three, I can face the world no matter what it throws at “us”. Perhaps this is simply a healthy crutch, but it works for me, and maybe it might also help other readers?
What is my crutch? Being too busy to engage, but in my heart knowing the things that are keeping my busy are excuses.
Great post. You’ve touched on something I’ve been thinking about but in a vague way. I read all the time. That’s my crutch. I’m curious-what steps have you taken to depend less on your crutch?
If just a bath is your crutch- have at it ! Lucky girl. BTW my son gave me your book “Tiny Buddha -Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions”, during holidays, and did not even know I followed you/TB on twitter. Love it !
LOVE this. So important and powerful. So many people [myself included] overlook these crutches because they are healthy or non-harming on the outside, but intention is everything. Thank you! For this and everything you do :]
“It’s only in acknowledging our true intentions that we’re able to understand our needs” – Oh my gosh! Yes!!! It’s so simple!!! Wow…
Your short pieces are reeeeeally speaking to me today with where I am right now. The piece on making our own choices and taking responsibility for them hit home too.
Thank you x
Great post! My main healthy crutch is cleaning. It has taken me a long time to accept this about myself and to be ok with hiring help, so that the time and emotional energy I was spending dusting, scrubbing, vacuuming etc is now spent dating, doing creative things and pursuing my career goals. I feel grateful!
Umm…I know I have a lot of unhealthy crutches, like cupcakes. I guess my healthy crutch would be walking my dog. When I can’t deal with people anymore, I grab her leash and we go for a long (silent) walk.
Have a great weekend!
You’re most welcome Renate. I really think intention is everything!
That’s a great way to think of it. I don’t think that’s a crutch, really–just a clever way to give yourself your own love and support. I just may borrow that!
I’ve gone through phases when I’ve done exactly that–and when I’ve done the exact opposite. Sometimes it’s so easy to lose touch with what we’re really feeling. I actually just started journaling again, and I’ve found it incredibly helpful!
I mostly ask myself, “What do I really need right now?” And then push myself to address that actual need, as opposed to doing what I always do. Sometimes my answer is, “I need to relax.” If my answer is, “I’m feeling lonely and I need to connect with someone” I put on my shoes and go out. It sounds so simple, and yet I didn’tt do this for such a very long time. Whatever I was feeling, I answered it with hot water!
LOL I know it’s a pretty harmless seeming crutch! There were times, though, when I used to take three baths a day, and I didn’t leave my apartment. That’s when I knew this was something I needed to address! I’m so glad you’re enjoying my book. =)
You are most welcome. Thanks for the note Shea. =)
You’re most welcome. I really enjoy writing these tiny posts. They’re just long enough for to get clear about one idea, but no so long that they take a ton of time to read or write.
That’s great! I turn to cleaning too sometimes. I’m actually considering hiring someone to clean once or twice a month, because, like you, I’m now in a place where I’m ready to do so many things I always dreamed about.
Cupcakes are definitely a fun crutch…especially the red velvet kind!
Lori,
I’ve never thought about it that way but I too have a healthy crutch. When things bother me that I no longer want to think about I throw myself into writing. It yields results but it does nothing for resolving those feelings!
Loved this article and also MUST say that I asked for your Tiny Buddha Book for Xmas and was delighted it was there under the tree! I can’t put it down in the evening and the truth in it rings truer to me than ever. It is astounding to me that at your young age the wisdom seems to pour from your pores!! A truly old soul. Thank you
Everything in moderation — including moderation. 🙂
If there is one word that strike me with this post, it the word ‘intention’
“Acknowledge your intentions to understand our needs” my mind feel refresh reflecting on this phrase. Thanks Lori!!
Aha! Thanks for facilitating that little shift in consciousness.
I have done that too Angela! I always have to remind myself that my goal isn’t just to create (what I might think is) beautiful prose–it’s to identify solutions and then find the courage to follow through!
You’re most welcome!
You’re welcome. Happy Saturday =)
LOL indeed =)
Awesome post, Lori! Haven’t seen it put so honestly and eloquently before. This is one of my favorites thus far! Thank you for following your heart…
~banu
I go the other way, Lori.
I’m driven.
There is always something MORE I feel has to be done before I can relax and just do some fun stuff. I’m starting to take more breaks now, enjoying the moments I’m playing or reading or watching a movie. This is a change for me. I’m getting “better.”
Irv
Thanks so much Banu!
Irv,
I am also like that! Go go go! ” I’ll do one more this or that & then oh what fun, I’ll have.” I am just now figuring out there will always be just one more thing to do. I am working on same as you, takubg more breaks. However, am & it is a WIP. Work in progress.
Thank you for this reminder! I have been lucky enough to avoid any chemical dependence in my life but I’ve also been aware for a long time that I’m not living the life I could, the life I really want. So many things to do (and a fear of disapproval if I organise an event myself) that I don’t know where to start so I hide in my flat reading or watching TV hardly seeing anyone… until someone else invites me somewhere. I enjoy taking the reins and I love hanging out with my friends but I’ve so little practice that I hide away… 2012 Year of the dragon I’m taking that as a sign. It’s my year to get out more…
I love your website, it’s been a great help recently.
I know all about hiding away Molkovia! My mantra over the past couple of years has been “get out into the world.” I’m so glad you enjoy the site. =)