“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” ~Henry David Thoreau
Every now and then, I get an email from someone telling me I should attend or speak at some conference that attracts lots of passionate bloggers or inspiring people interested in personal development.
A part of me always feels a little conflicted when I receive an invitation or suggestion regarding an event like this because I think I should want to go, but I just plain don’t.
I’m an introvert and I don’t love big crowds, which makes a conference environment far from appealing.
I also don’t enjoy sitting for great lengths of time, watching back-to-back presentations. As someone whose work requires me to spend a great deal alone, caught up in my head, I prefer to spend my off time engaging with the world and being active.
Lastly, I feel a need to create some balance between my spiritual/personal growth inclinations and the part of my life that has nothing to do with blogging or self-discovery.
That means I’d far rather spend three off-days hiking or exploring a new city than attending some type of conference, workshop, or seminar.
So why do I find myself questioning my instincts and trying to change my own mind?
I do it because I think I should want to be involved in those events—because other people do, because this is my field (and there’s a lot of money to be made in speaking), and because I fear I may be somehow missing out.
Ultimately, I end up creating mental drama just to avoid standing by my own convictions and accepting there’s nothing wrong with them. Ironically, I end up missing out on what I actually want to do when I worry about what I might be missing by not doing something else.
I suspect this is something a lot of us do—push ourselves to do things we don’t find appealing because we think we should. I understand that sometimes we need to do things we don’t enjoy if they’re part of a larger process we’re committed to.
But when it comes to the big decisions about where we’re going professionally, or how we spend our time, we owe it to ourselves to recognize what we genuinely don’t want.
Every time we act against our own instincts, we reinforce to ourselves that there’s something wrong with them—and there isn’t. There are no right or wrong choices when it comes to how we want to spend our time.
There’s just what’s right for you, what’s right for me, and the possibility of us each experiencing true joy by identifying and honoring those things.
My “right” path may look nothing like yours, and both are completely valid.
With this in mind, I’m now finally ready to acknowledge and respect my own interests and preferences:
Hi! My name is Lori, and I strongly dislike conferences, workshops, seminars, and all other events of the sort.
I think I’ll stop questioning that now, and allow myself to be drawn to what genuinely feels right.
Is there something you’ve been pressuring yourself to want or like that you just plain don’t?
Photo by SarahC73
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you, Lori! And, to think, all this time I thought there was something wrong with me.
I’m an introvert as well. Honestly, I’m INFJ – which is around 1% of the world’s population. I know that makes me different and, dare I say, unique. However, my problem has always been in growing my business in order to help others.
I see so many other professionals running from this conference to that seminar and it all sounds like the life of the successful. There’s so much influence placed on being “out there” that I’ve struggled with whether or not I can make my business a success. Again, it’s that round peg in a square hole syndrome.
Truly, I feel drained after events and even more drained when I have to travel a great distance for it. I don’t like to sit idle and, although there are a great number of people from which to learn, I feel I can learn more from them online than offline.
It’s kept me confused. How can I want success and yet prefer to stay away from such events? Doesn’t that go against the grain?
Yes, it does and that’s what makes it so wonderful!
Oh, yeah, you may email me at pwhite@windofepiphanymedia.com for more information
YES!! I, too, am an introvert and for a long while I thought that I was supposed to want to be an extrovert and all that comes with it. It’s only been in the past year that I have figured this out! I LOVE to write. I have a fairly popular blog and have written a book. I’ve had a number of speaking gigs and while it was exciting, I found myself not really looking forward to them. I can see myself sitting down in a small group and facilitating a conversation, but not “speaking.” Also? It seems like everyone else and their sisters and brothers who have followed along the same path I did have become or are becoming coaches…and for a while I thought I had to do that, as well. And every time I’d look into it, I’d feel icky inside. So…I continue to write and to believe that it is enough 🙂
Another INFJ here! I find the balance between people time and my own time difficult. The thing I struggle with most, though, is actually driving! I was older in life when I learned to drive, never have really enjoyed it, and still don’t. It creates the most stress in my life, when I have to drive someplace new. I feel pressure to get out there and drive new places and see new things, and I feel embarrassed that this is such a struggle, when it is such a non-issue to so many people. While I love exploring new places, I don’t particularity enjoy being in the driver’s seat, and prefer to travel using public transportation if possible, or my own two feet. I’m slowly accepting that it’s just not something I like to do. I also discover more on foot in my own town than I ever could by car, and for these I feel lucky. It is hard to always accept this about myself, though, b/c we live in such a car centric society.
Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project refers to her Twelve Personal Commandments, the first of which is to be herself. This plays right alongside that concept, & I love it. Too often we are afraid to go our own way, & choose instead to live up to expectations that aren’t in line with who we are. I call it “Permission to Remove Labels”. Good for you, for sticking to your guns. Don’t spend another moment feeling guilty about living your own life, which is ultimately the only one you have! 🙂
Thank you for this wonderful, uplifting and helpful post. Your words echo discussions between my mother (and mentor), who I miss dearly! We talked many times about how the word “should” need not be in our vocabulary! I felt like I was listening to her … what a gift you have given me … and your other readers, through your written word!!! Love and light to you! ~ Sarah
I am so grateful you shared this!!!! : )
Good post. As an introvert and small business owner, I choose to go to some conferences and networking events because I want to. It helps our business. But sometimes I go to events I’m not really crazy about because I think I should. Your post reminds me to listen to my own instincts on whether to participate in an event or not.
And for those conference I choose to attend, one thing that works for me is to plan how much interaction I can take beforehand. I recently went to a conference where I was networking for 3 hours. It was valuable, I made some good contacts, but I knew that would be about all I could take in one day. I passed on an invitation to go to dinner with some friends and instead had a nice quiet evening in my hotel room. That was enough for me to recharge my batteries and be ready for more networking the next day. As an introvert I still enjoy talking to people, I really do, but I have to pick my spots, and be careful not to overextend myself in social situations.
Yes acting like I’m still single and like I have to like to go out to bars and clubs. I am 35 now and in a committed relationship and I feel so guilty to say no to my friends. Thanks for your amazing post. I hear my drummer loud and clear. Thanks!!
Lori, how true!
Funny, I have NO desire to sit through conferences or presentations period. I was always trying to get out of work meetings, just for the fact that I found them utterly boring and I could be doing something more valuable with my time. I have spent much time with myself to realize and appreciate my authentic self is not the extrovert, but in fact an introvert. I enjoy my own company, like peace and just plain ole relaxing. I realized this when an acquintance asked me to go to a nightclub which I was not really interested in. I was fighting with the back and forth of should I or should’nt I. Well I ended up going and having a dreadful time and was quite evil towards everyone. I was so upset the following morning and decided that I am no longer going to do what doesn’t interest me. That was a very valuable lesson, which was rather unpleasant to go through, but a true awakening. I enjoy spending my time at Starbucks, movies, going for walks near the lake and that is my idea of tranquility 🙂
I appreciate this post. At the age of 35, I’m just now accepting who I am, and what I like to do. I used to force myself to go out with friends to bars and clubs because I didn’t want to disappoint them. Now, I simply tell the truth and tell them those places don’t appeal to me, and that I’m more comfortable in smaller social settings. My friends think something is wrong with me because I used to say yes to almost everything. Nope, nothing is wrong at all. I’ve just decided to say yes to the things I’m comfortable with doing now. It’s good to know it’s okay to be an introvert as well. Hi, my name is David, and I don’t enjoy going out to bars and clubs!
Thanks Lori!
Timely post for me! Another poster mentioned Gretchen Rubin. She strongly believes in “Be Gretchen.” For example, all your friends love shopping; yet you don’t. Don’t feel like you HAVE TO go shopping if it’s against your nature. I am an introvert by nature. I often fall into the HAVE TO trap. I get invited to Girl’s Night Out with a bunch of random women I don’t really know. I would much rather go out with a good friend or two to have a glass of wine. However, I fear looking like I am lame or boring; so I either go and don’t enjoy myself or I decline and then beat myself insisting I am missing out on something. My idea of a good night is journaling, reading, or hitting a movie with my husband. Accepting who you are is liberating!
“Is there something you’ve been pressuring yourself to want or like that you just plain don’t?”
Yes. The pressure I have had on me to be what I am not…to be what pleases others in their assessment of what I should be or do.
I have quit “shoulding” myself and begun, in earnest, to be what I feel most like being. And feeling. That is not coming to fruition too quickly. And it shouldn’t. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be something in other people’s eyes and not liking what I see through their lenses. Lenses that I turned on myself and found myself wanting. Now that I am using my own perspective of me, I wonder why I spent all those years heeding the beat of different drummers. I am making a judiciously slow transformation. Maintaining authenticity.
I’ve been enjoying a sort of vacation, free of interference from the outside. This long plunge into solitude has helped me feel comfortable “in my own skin.” As much as I have missed interacting with others, the occasional foray into social situations now reassures me that my solo trek is the one I most want to travel. I will reach whatever goals I set more mindfully now.
As usual, Lori, I fully appreciate your insight.
~ Mark
Perfectly true Lori. Thank you for sharing. It’s something I see all the time in my own life and in my coaching practice. I’m always asking myself and my clients: “what do you REALLY want?” So, we can get below the “shoulds” and find out who we really are. 🙂
love this post! I have been at a job I thought I should take because it paid more money…but this job is not me. I have made the decision to change jobs again even though it has only been 6 months. Life is too short to do things because you think you should…especially just for more money
Just took a promotion at work for the financial benefit, it is exactly as I suspected…not at all what I want. My true self does not enjoy the responsibilities of the position and shame on me for going against my gut. Id like to think its a learning experience and continue to try to stay on my true path.
What a fantastic post! And something I can SO totally relate to! I especially like that you point out the sad irony of missing out on what we really want to be doing because we’re so busy worrying about what we think we SHOULD be doing. I used to beat myself up in high school because I’m not a big fan of parties and going out. So I’d stay home. But instead of enjoying myself at home doing whatever it was I’d rather be doing (reading, writing, walking around the lake, etc.), I was thinking what a loser I was for not being out with all the “cool” people. How unfortunate. I’m going to do my best to honor my desires from now on — cool people be damned ;p
I really appreciated, also, a comment someone made on your facebook page about this article — about the trouble they sometimes have distinguishing between things they truly don’t want to do and things they’re just AFRAID to do. I have that same problem and it’s definitely something I have to be aware of and constantly challenge. It can be confusing at times and sometimes the only way to figure it out is to dive in and find out.
You…are…awesome! This blog is so great. I would like to say I
am impressed in my first sight here.
You’re most welcome David! I’ve done that same thing, pushing myself to go to bars and clubs. I’ve always preferred intimate gatherings, whether it’s a game night or dinner with close friends. So it sounds like we have a lot in common!
That’s a great idea, about planning in advance. It’s all about balance, I think.
I’m a big “Happiness Project” fan, and that was one of my favorite parts! I also love journaling, reading, and watching movies with my boyfriend. Whenever I let myself do what I want to do, I feel such a sense of peace. You’re right–it’s so liberating!
You’re most welcome. I’m glad you’re hearing your drummer! =)
I’ve thought about that at times too–whether I really don’t want to do something, or I’m just scared. One thing that helps me is to ask myself, “If I knew I wouldn’t lose anything by doing this, would I want to? If I knew only good things would come from it, would I enjoy it?” These kinds of questions help me get in touch with the real root of my resistance.
That’s great you realized it now. Something similar happened to my sister last year. She took a promotion she really didn’t want because she was afraid it would reflect poorly on her if she didn’t. Then she realized she really disliked the added responsibilities and missed her old role. Like you, she took it as a learning experience. We’re all works in progress!
That’s great you were able to change jobs again. I think it can be so hard to acknowledge when you want to make a change, so I always admire when someone’s able to do that.
Thanks Alexander. That’s such an important question to ask!
I’m glad you enjoyed this Melis!
Thanks so much Sarah. Love and light to you too!
I love The Happiness Project–and what you wrote at the end (about not feeling guilty about living your own life). Wonderful advice!
Thanks so much Mark. Sometimes a slow transformation is the best kind, I’ve found. How wonderful you’re feeling more comfortable in your own skin and taking this time for yourself. =)
Do you have a bike Holly? I’m not a huge fan of driving either (especially here in LA), but I find bike riding really peaceful!
That’s exactly how I feel, about facilitating a conversation–it feels so much more natural than standing in front of people and delivering a presentation. And I’m with you on coaching. I thought I was supposed to go that path, then I realized, just because I write, that doesn’t mean I need to be a coach, book speaking gigs, and run workshops. I don’t need to be everything to everyone, especially since that limits my ability to be what I need to be for me!
I know what you mean, about the influence placed on “being out there.” That’s led to a great deal of internal struggle for me. I feel so relieved when I accept it’s okay to do things my way. Here’s to going against the grain! =)
This made me think of something I recently realised – and it took me years. I’d been fighting for years to make money online like other people do – through my blogs. I don’t have the necessary technical or marketing skills and I was ignoring what I was really good at – writing and editing.
Now I’ve stopped trying to fit into other people’s boxes they’ve created. Like you said, I felt I had to do it because others were. Now I concentrate on my writing and editing and I’m finally making money in the way I alone can – with my own talent. Thank you for this.
Just make sure that the underlying driver is not fear !
“Is there something you’ve been pressuring yourself to want or like that you just plain don’t?” Yes, a few things actually that I don’t care to name here but I will mention one…cooking Salmon. No, make that two…children’s birthday parties and baby showers that last several hours long.
Thanks Robert! Interestingly, I’m doing something today I’ve been scared of doing, and therefore resisted, and I can feel a huge difference between this and my feelings about conferences. I’m terrified, and yet I feel so excited (I’m interviewing for acting classes, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time). When I think of those types of events that I don’t really want to do, all I feel is frustration with myself for thinking I should do it. That’s the big difference for me–when there’s excitement under the resistance.
Cooking salmon, huh? Is that one because you’re not a fan of cooking, or not a fan of salmon? Incidentally, I’m not a fan of long showers either!
I feel the same way about writing/marketing Anne! That’s great you’ve been able to step out of that box and find what feels right to you. =)
Thank you! I have been trying to talk myself into taking a much higher paying job that I plain don’t want by telling myself that maybe I need to stretch myself etc. etc. Sometimes we do just need to listen to that inner voice that says ‘no that’s not me!’
You’re most welcome Cat! I second what a lot of readers wrote, about how it’s tough to know sometimes if you should stretch yourself, or if you really don’t want to do something. This has caused a lot of conflict for me as well, but I feel such relief when I give myself permission not to do something I feel strongly opposed to doing. I suspect that’s a good indicator that you don’t really want something–when you just feel free and joyful for giving yourself permission not to do it!
Yes and no. I’m not a huge fan of cooking but there are times when I do enjoy it. I am a fan of Salmon but not when I have to cook it. That particular fish never comes out the way I want it to, so after several tries, it has become something that I don’t want to do. Funny you mention long showers…I don’t mind those so much, unless I have somewhere to go.
Hi Connie! I missed this before. I jump around sometimes when responding to comments. I was always the same, with work meetings. I’m not really a big fan of sitting and watching people talk (though I love seeing plays and movies). And I also enjoy my own company and plain old relaxing! Regarding clubs, that’s usually not my scene, though I did enjoy going in Vegas for my boyfriend’s 30th. We had a small group and a private table, so that was more my speed. It’s a great feeling to let yourself be who you are. I find the older I get, the more comfortable I am doing that!
Hi, my name is TB and I don’t like to read books. If they’re over a few pages, I don’t want to read them. I don’t like it. I don’t like waiting around for myself to finish them, I don’t like seeing all those pages that I have to read, I don’t like made-up tales… I don’t like reading books. Articles, blogs, billboards — fine. But books? I don’t like them. And everyone always says that everyone should read books. And reading books is great. And reading books makes you smart…. I don’t like them. There! I said it!
I know a lot of intelligent people who don’t love reading books, TB. You’re not alone there!
Lori,
I totally see myself here! I’m so convinced that I need to be everything, do everything and experience everything.
I too was reminded of Gretchin’s post on the sadness of her own happiness project. She talked about how “being Gretchen” means accepting that she’ll never jet off for a weekend in Paris, or visit a jazz club at midnight. Those are things she’s just not inclined to do.
But accepting that means accepting her limitations. It means accepting the limited nature of her experience. In Gretchen’s words: “the world offers so much!–and I am too small to appreciate it.”
Lori, the fear you mentioned – of “somehow missing out” – reminds me of Gretchen’s sadness. I experience that sadness/fear a lot. What if my own inclincations prevent me from experiencing something truly great? What if I miss out on some ultimate experience or achievement just because my natural tendencies wouldn’t let me go there?
My efforts at self-improvement and self-expansion are sometimes grounded in those fears. I try to watch out for that 🙂
I didn’t remember that quote, but I love it (The world offers too much and I am too small to appreciate it.) There’s actually this whole cultural phenomenon about the fear of missing out. If you haven’t read about it, Google FOMO. It’s fascinating!
It was so nice to read your post about “shoulds” and how you don’t enjoy crowds and sitting through all day presentations. Finding that balance between introvert and extrovert is something I am always working on. My work requires me to be more extroverted but I am careful to find the time to pull away and go within to replenish my energy and center myself. Recognizing and staying true to who I am is what I strive to do each day. Thanks for your posts.
You’re most welcome! I’m always striving to find that balance, as well. I find I don’t mind crowds as much when I’m excited about the activity–for example, I love walking through Vegas, and it’s often jam packed all over the strip. Then I look forward to yoga class or a hot bath, replenishing myself as you said.
I have recently joined a socialising group to meet new people and hopefully make new friends following a break up. I was feeling very lonely as my partner had been my best friend and we did everything together. I thought what I needed was to make friends and do things with them to make me feel better. However, since I’ve joined, I have realised that there are things that I want to do, that I am interested in, which I am putting on hold because they would ‘clash’ with planned events by the socialising group. The group were going drinking in bars and pubs and that isn’t really me at all.
I found I am attending events like that, at the expense of what I am really interested in and what I really want to do, just so I can have ‘friends’ around me. It is making me think about what is important in life. Surely I can make friends by following my interests and passions and not have to do things I don’t want to do and as a result feel like I am ‘fake’ or ‘pretending’ to be someone I’m not… it’s something I’m working through at the moment…trying to meet people/friends v following my heart, even if I have to do it alone….?