“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” -Eckhart Tolle
This weekend, a reader presented an interesting question about letting go of old beliefs and attitudes to make room for happiness and open up to a relationship.
He suggested that this would require a lot of sacrifice on his part, and would leave him humbled and lost—as if he’s somehow “giving in” and losing touch with who he really is.
He asked how he can reconcile the instinct to change with his resistance to becoming something he is not.
I suspect a lot of us struggle with this. We know we want to transform our lives, but we’ve thought and behaved in certain ways for so many years that we identify ourselves with those ideas and actions.
For a long time, I believed people were basically selfish, which made me feel constantly defensive. I thought I “earned” this belief because I had been hurt. Letting go of it felt like letting the people who’d hurt me off the hook—like saying they didn’t cause my pain, I did.
But the reality was that my defensiveness hurt me more than anything anyone else had ever done—and for far longer. Sacrificing it might have been humbling, but the alternative was (and is) to sacrifice my potential for joy.
We are not the beliefs that we, at one point, decided serve and protect us. We are not the thoughts that, if we’re honest, we know only cripple us. We are not the sum of our internal workings.
Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us. It will feel like a sort of death—like acknowledging there’s something wrong with us, and the only way to find happiness is to essentially rid ourselves of ourselves.
Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.
We have the potential to become anything—in fact, if we learn to let go, we will never stop becoming. But that means we need to want presence and happiness more than we want to cling to the past and our pain.
Photo by Aschaf
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
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This is something I struggle with. But let’s say you decide to forgive in a relationship; you decide to let go of all the hurt in the past, the broken promises etc…and decide to view the person in a ‘fresh’ light – but there’s still a little niggling voice in the back of your head saying ‘past affects the present’…and then you are let down again, because really, the present is just a repeat of past actions (talking about the other person)….what to do then? Still let go of the past, or?
Lori, this article led to an “aha” moment for me. Four and a half years ago the worst thing that a parent can go through happened to me. Both my children, a son and a daughter died four days apart. My son chose suicide and while there, helping her father settle affairs, died in her sleep of an undiagnosed heart incident. It has been absolute hell–but through therapy, newly diagnosed mental health issues, medication and most of all, support from my family and friends, I am stronger than I’ve ever been–strong enough to take “baby steps” towards enlightment and happiness. This article touched me in many ways. First, do I really want to see myself as the “woman who lost her kids, her dog and her boyfriend in 9 months”. Of course these are all tragedies that can only be accepted–never forgotten, and certainly never understood. However, this is only part of my life, a part of who I am. I still have life, hope and a wonderful grandson who was only 7 months old when his mother passed. I’m fortunate in so many ways and I choose to focus on these things instead of loss. But I’d never thought about defining myself through loss until this article. It has enabled me to take a step back and realize how much I’ve been hurting myself to look at life as loss, to be hesitant in new relationships but to be settling for an unhealthy, damaging relationship that will certainly end in death due to chronic health issues–and thus only reaffirming that life is simply a series of loss. Aha, I can–and do, choose life.
WOW. Very eye-opening. Thank you.
great blog! something i have become very aware of in myself and others.. as Eckhart calls it, the “Pain Body”. Tolle helped me wake-up to the the fact that not only am I and most people identified with thoughts/past/future but that the very cells in my body are addicted to the anxiety. i recommend Tolle’s books to anyone who has not yet discovered them. his quote is a most fitting beginning to this piece. thanks!
Thanks for this. I understand just how damaging defensiveness can be. The irony is that at the exact time we’re being insular and defensive we most need to be open and outgoing.
I’m very glad that I read this. Just last night, I asked a friend…”how do I let go? I find it so hard to do.” Your article is soooo enlightening!!!!. When I find myself in that moment of thinking too much of a painful memory, I will remind myself to stay focused on the present and everything that I have and that I am at this precise moment! Thank you!!!!
I’m struggling with this same situation too. I try so hard to forget and forgive…only to be disappointmed again..broken promises and lack of respect on the other person’s behalf.
A year ago I let go of the man I thought was The One. I let go of mostly everything about him, my thoughts, mental creations, fears, and even some of the joys. It hurt so much to take that leap within, but I knew i needed to do it, or else i’d be stuck in a certain mental place forever–or at least a good long time, longer than i wanted to be.
This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. Self-discovery, happiness, peace, freedom…being challenged to do more in life…When I made space for the new, it came rushing in to greet me. It’s such a joy to live an unconditional life. And who knows? I think my real One might have come into my life too! Letting go can be the greatest joy.
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. Forgiveness is releasing the anger and vengefulness you feel. It doesn’t automatically mean that you can or should continue to have a relationship with the person you are forgiving. And if you do have one, it may be changed. If the person who hurt you shows no remorse or intention to change their behavior in the future, then you’d be a fool to continue having a relationship with them. If the person has indicated a willingness to do things differently in the future, then perhaps it’s worth holding onto the relationship, but it may take time before you feel completely trusting again. That’s okay. Forgiveness doesn’t mean foolishly placing yourself in harm’s way. Nor does it mean you can’t have boundaries, particularly with people who’ve hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the past doesn’t exist. It just means you don’t allow it to rule your life anymore.
To let go of old beliefs, I find it really helpful to have a “new belief” lined up and ready to go. Even painful or self-defeating beliefs can be useful in some ways for us, so it’s easier to let go if we have an alternative that can be used in their place.
I’d like to let go of my belief that money is a superficial desire. So I am emphasizing my new belie that money is an essential tool toward a joyful and generous life! 🙂
Thanks, Lori. Great read as always!
Carla, I do not pretend that I know how it is like to go through what you did when your children died. No parent in the world should have to face this form of tragedy. I just wanted to stop by and hopefully offer you some words of encouragement. You are a very courageous person who had decided to let go and move on. Your example of focusing on the bright side of things despite all chaos around is a shining light for those of us with lesser struggles in life. You have chosen light, and you have also shown us the way by your experiences.
Take care.
You are most welcome!
I recommend The Power of Now all the time. Just holding the book in my hands pulls me into the present moment. I know how addictive anxiety can be, and I also know mindfulness is the best thing we can do for ourselves!
You’re most welcome Liz! I find myself struggling with the idea of letting go sometimes–like my brain wants to make it far more complicated than simply, “Be here now!” Erin Lanahan, a Tiny Buddha contributor, wrote “Freedom is where my feet are.” That one has been very helpful to me!
That’s a great suggestion. Thank you for adding this! I’ve actually been challenging some of my money beliefs recently, as I’ve recognized that I have some limiting ones when it comes to both money and business. I find myself resistant to letting these go, but it’s very helpful to establish a new, healthier, less restrictive belief.
You’re welcome David. Defensiveness was the default feeling for me for a very long time, and I still have to work at this sometimes. When I fight to protect myself, that’s usually when I hurt myself the most.
That’s wonderful Sabrina! I’m so happy for you. It sounds like you’ve had some wonderful experiences and adventure this year. =)
Hi Carla,
I am so sorry for your losses. That you are here, growing stronger, sharing what you’ve learned is so inspiring to me. I’m glad this post helped you think of yourself in different terms. Thank you for taking the time to share a little of your experiences here. There are so many people who read but don’t comment, and I know that when people are brave enough to share their stories, it makes a huge difference. Thank you for that.
Sending you love and light,
Lori
I’m going through this same situation as well – there are things I want so much to let go of but feel as though I shouldn’t. Thank you to Kym for asking your question, and thank you to Diane for your answer; it’s given me some food for thought in addition to the wonderful article.
The Tolle quote attracted me to the article. I thought that I was going to read something about transforming one’s self. Then I read, “He asked how he can reconcile the instinct to change with his resistance to becoming something he is not.” This a good question but for me, the essay became a me against me dialogue with me needing to sever me from myself rather than the idea of acceptance and appreciation of who are we are now and growth from where and who we are toward something more open and peaceful. “Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us.” This thought is true but also suggests that who we’ve become is not important and can and should be invalidated as needed. Is this what you want to tell a child? The us that is limited is the part of us that are our inner children. Can we expect a child to ignore what they’ve experienced and become something very different that they haven’t? Which is the parable that we want to reshape our self with, a rock in a stream is gently reshaped or pushed aside to make room for the water? The former is in my experience how I most effectively grow even though I can see beyond where I am. This accounts for all of me not being comfortable getting there and the universe cooperates with my path of least resistance by inspiring me to take incremental growth steps.
Hi Charles,
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I love the analogy of the rock in the stream. I can understand your thoughts on reshaping yourself. My suggestion is that we challenge our assumptions about what the “self” is. So it’s less about changing who we are and more about realizing who we’re not.
I know for me personally, there’s a lot I’ve carried around, labeled as “part of me” when in all reality, they are only part of me because I’m holding onto them and labeling that way. My post wasn’t meant to suggest we completely let go of everything we think defines us right now and forever after–but rather that we start to understand that “who we are” in any given moment is a consequence of what we choose to cling to.
Happy Sunday,
Lori
Hi! My name is Inés and I´m from Argentina.I wanted to thank you for every Tinny Budda´s post! Wonderful thoughts to overcome the pain in our lives and to go on with joy.Keep on like this, you´re doing a great job for the people who read you every day 😀
You’re most welcome Agnes. Thanks so much for taking the time to write. =)
Hello Carla,reading about your losses sure makes one feel sorry but the way you have understood the value of life soon made a lot of sense to me.It gave me a lot of encouragement at a time when I was feeling very low and thought that I was suffering a lot because of my old age and bad health.I was feeling a deadlock and very much stagnant .I have now started looking for the positive things present in my life.