“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Have you ever exacerbated difficult feelings by responding to them with resistance?
Although I made peace with my recent burglary shortly after it happened, I started feeling down and anxious at the end of last week. In retrospect, I think there was a connection between that and the painkillers my doctor prescribed when my surgical site started hurting again.
But I suspect I was also feeling the residual effects of everything that’s happened over these past two months. At the time, I didn’t fully understand my feelings. I just knew I wanted them to pass, especially since I was due to get my boyfriend at the airport.
I felt guilty for greeting him under a dark cloud of sadness, frustrated for not feeling as upbeat as I had earlier in the week, and confused because none of it made sense to me.
There were tears, and self-analysis, and self-judgment, until Saturday morning.
I planned to work at a coffee shop I love to create a more positive state of mind. But when I got there, I couldn’t find a parking spot—despite driving around for 20 minutes.
After that, I drove to the activity center in my apartment community where I knew I’d see some friendly faces, only to find my computer wouldn’t connect to the internet. While I repeatedly tried different approaches to fix the issue, I found myself feeling frustrated.
I screamed internally, “Come on! I just want to get online!”
Then I stopped, took a deep breath, and asked myself, “Is it possible I’m not getting what I want, but I’m getting what I need?”
I’d been trying to analyze, overpower, and outrun my feelings when what I really needed to do was stop—stop trying to understand and fix them, and instead accept and surrender to them.
That might sound like a defeatist choice, since surrendering implies giving it. But I’ve found it’s a lot like those Chinese finger traps: you can’t get out by fighting. The only way to get un-stuck is to relax and release.
It generally works the same with feelings. When we fight them, we give them more power.
It might not always seem like it in the moment, when we’re wading in something uncomfortable and potentially overwhelming, but no feeling lasts forever. Everything fades if we’re willing to let it.
By mid-day Saturday, I felt a lot better. I suspect it was because I stopped feeding into the story of my sadness and instead chose to lean into it.
As ironic as it may seem, sometimes the best way to let go of something difficult is to first choose to embrace it.
Photo by ototadana
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I needed to hear this today (I think that about all your posts!). I’m fighting with myself a lot lately, and it’s bringing up all kinds of bad feelings. I need to stop, relax, and let myself find peace in my current situation.
Lori,
Thanks for the post and as always, your honesty. I used to detest the word “surrender.” I associated it with weakness, and of course, I was and could only be strong. But over the last 6 – 8 months I’ve found myself being made to surrender and learning that surrendering doesn’t have to be about, “giving up,” but rather it’s about “giving in.”
When we give in to something we stop fighting against it, and instead can begin to move within it. When we move within that experience, we can begin to accept it ~ the good & the bad. Only when we’re able to accept something fully can we then begin to let go, or release whatever is holding us to that experience. When we avoid fully feeling something tied to an experience, then we allow that experience to take control of us. We in essence give our power away to that experience. Surrendering actually allows us to reclaim that experience and thus our power.
Does it mean this process will be painless? Unfortunately not, but then, we often are much stronger and braver than we think.
Always,
Kathryn
This is certainly echoing my temperament. Deep inner feelings have been gnawing at me, and I’ve been suppressing them instead of just letting them out. I don’t want to write while under their influence. However, my sense of the uplifting and illuminating has been plagued by darkness and insists upon remaining in the shadows. I’ve been resisting and, as Tolle states, the condition persists. As much as I dislike writing in the negative I feel I must revive an old blog and add to it my present state of affairs. The only way, I feel, to emerge from this funk is to express my way through it…give it free reign of expression. Perhaps that will be cathartic. I was recently going through old entries and found that I had vented similarly almost three years ago. This must be a sign it is time to make something happen again. Otherwise, I will remain. Then, life happens.
As always, words I needed to hear today. I’m celebrating (???) that fact that a relationship I was in and really enjoyed suddenly ended 6 months ago today. Intellectually, I know that I’m going to heal and be better, but emotionally, there are still many feelings that come up more often that I care to think about. Primarily hurt and anger. I’m back seeing a therapist from another relationship from 13 years ago. Anyhow, I have been wondering how to determine which emotions are a necessary part of healing versus the idea of how many of these painful feelings that I’m creating in my own head?
Again, I return to the breath and take it one day at a time. Thank you always, Lori.
Thank you for sharing……perfect timing!!!!!!
If you wanna get rid of those painkillers, ill take them off your hands
This is a wonderful article! I believe that what you are saying is true! If we keep resisting, we’ll always be resisting rather than dealing with the problem!
www.bavajuice.com
I loved today’s post, just as I do most every day, & I thought you should know what a gift Tiny Buddha is in my life & those of so many I’ve passed it along to.
I would definetely enjoy more posts on this topic “how to accept and surrender to my feelings”. It’s something I’ve been working on for a little while. As well as more posts on “how to find peace within” (the other post for today). I’m also trying to find peace within myself. The main questions I have is how. I would like some guidance, maybe reading more posts on these two topics may help me understand better how to do this.
yes! a “how to” would be wonderful
Thank you for commenting Kathryn! I had the same idea about surrender because I considered myself to be a “fighter,” and I saw this as a very positive quality! I love how you described the process of giving in and accessing our power. Beautifully written. =)
I think that’s a great idea, about expressing your way through your feelings. I find that sometimes I write through my feelings and then don’t feel the need to publish them. But just the act itself can be cathartic and help me transition to a more positive, clear state of mind. I’m sending good thoughts your way as you work through your feelings!
You’re most welcome. I’m glad this post was helpful to you! That’s a great question, about how to distinguish between the emotions that occur naturally and which you’re creating in your own head. I’d be curious to learn your therapist’s take on that! I find that the pain I’m creating in my own head usually relates to my responses to my feelings.
For example, I previously felt a lot of sadness about the end of my first long-term relationship ended. I was a lot younger then (it was almost a decade ago) and I was in a much more fragile place mentally and emotionally. Since I was highly self-absorbed and self-destructive during that time of my life, I felt a lot of shame when I thought back to that relationship.
The shame was the most painful part for me, and it was also the part I created with the stories I told myself about what had happened.
I try to catch myself now when I’m responding to my feelings with more feelings. It’s one of my biggest challenges in life, so I don’t always do this perfectly (as my post reveals!) However, meditation helps a great deal. Whenever I fall out of my meditation routine, I find everything gets more overwhelming.
I’m sending lots of love your way as you continue with your healing!
You’re most welcome. =)
LOL thanks for that. =)
Thanks so much!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, and thank you so much! It really makes me happy to know this site is helpful to people. =)
I’m glad this was helpful to you! It can be so tough sometimes to pull out of this kind of funk. I’m sending good thoughts and lots of love your way. =)
Perhaps I will write a longer post on this topic! In the meantime, you might find this post helpful:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-uncomfortable-feelings/
Thank you for this Lori. The issue is one that I have recently become aware of and I have realise that it is at the root of many of my troubles! When things don’t go the way I want them too I go into such a black place and make everyone else’s life miserable too (if I’m suffering, then so will everyone else – well, at least those closest to me!). Recently however, when I have found myself in such situatuons I have been saying (to myself) ‘Reistance is Futile!’ I see it in a big picture of some big overlord standing in front of me blocking my way – and somehow this brings me back and I can remind myself that things as they are and need to be accepted as such. This helps the blackness and the bad mood disperse and everyone is happier for it!
I love your story and can relate to what you are sharing.I am a South African girl (my parents made that choice for me when i was young) and love my country.However i have had 4 brakings into my house,one of them with me sleeping,one robbery at knife point and two smash and grabs whilst in the car.We are expected to always say: i am lucky nothing happenned to me.I have had myshare of bad luck in my life or should i say bad choices,divorce,abusive relationships,including the current one and soon discovered “the benefits of alcohol”.I am now on a clean and clear road,for once taking care on choosing wisely.Two months ago,again.i had a smash and grab situation.I realised that i was afraid,specially when somebody approches my car window.Too embarrassed to accept this for days…once i admited that it was ok too feel scared,regardless of what others say,i felt better..i have a right too feel scared,they are my feelings right now and only i can work them out of my system..sometimes it’s ok to live my feelings.Thank you for Tiny Buddha.
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists” is one of my all-time favourite quotes. It has been so very true for me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with it’s unfolding in your life. Love and light to you!
Loved this: “Then I stopped, took a deep breath, and asked myself, ‘Is it possible I’m not getting what I want, but getting what I need?'”
This is perfect…acceptance of what is sometimes just requires a full stop moment and this post was a magnificent reminder for me to do that in the midst of turmoil. I am going to post these words on a sticky note and place it in my cubicle at work…and one for home and one for the car… 😉
Thank-you for this blog. Your words make a difference.
That’s a power mantra Deborah! And you’re most welcome. =)
Thanks, I will definetely check it out 🙂
It’s nice too know I’m not the only one who would enjoy reading a “how to” post on this. I felt a little hesitant at first to post that but then I thought if I really want it, I might as well ask for it. Lol. Sometimes I feel hesitant to ask questions because I think they may be silly.
…society seems like it preys on the week, in advertising and media , it seems our young girls are asked to look attractive and fresh and all those things that are vulnerable and then society has nothing in palce to protect them and the ones who are over exposed and taken advantage of by the media or msuic companies for profit like Britney Spears are the young girls role models, who knows if they are happy, content or at peace within themselves!..
I know this comment may not pertain to this here but would love to know how one handles a toxic relationship without becoming toxic, please help with this, trying so hard live the Buddhist way…
You’re most welcome Janet! I’m sorry for my slow response. I didn’t see this before. Love and light to you as well! =)
You’re most welcome Teresa. That must have been terrifying, experiencing all those break-ins. Even one was scary! Congrats on your sobriety. I’m so glad you’re embracing your feelings! I did a lot of self-destructive things to avoid mine when I was younger, and even though it’s not always comfortable, I know it’s far better to embrace my emotions!
I think that depends on what you mean by toxic, and what you mean by handle it. Is this a romantic relationship? A relationship with a relative?