“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamson
Did you ever feel like there was a conversation you really wanted to have with someone, and yet a part of you felt it was unwise?
This is a feeling I know all too well.
When I was younger, I spent years fighting for an apology. It wasn’t until my whole world crashed down on me that I realized I’d become a tornado of anger and bitterness, destroying everything in my wake.
I eventually realized I needed to let go of the victim story I’d been carrying around, whether I got the closure I sought or not. For a long time, I thought I had let go.
But recently I realized I’ve been carrying around subconscious resentment, because a part of me still wants to hear those words I chased long ago—that I’ve always deserved respect and love, and I’ve never deserved to feel pain and shame.
So I put this all in a letter that I don’t intend to send. Despite having spent many years in therapy, and even more collecting self-help books, I’ve never done this before.
The other day was the first day I got it all down. I titled this Word Doc “What I Need to Say,” and I ended it with the following words:
“I wrote this letter because I want to heal more fully. A part of me feels that would be so much easier for me if you could look me in the eye and say, ‘I’m sorry.’
Then I remember I chose to stop pursuing an apology. So instead of pushing for it, I will say this: for all the anger, resentment, bitterness, and cruelty I directed toward you many years ago, I’m sorry. That’s not the person I want to be. The person I want to be isn’t a victim. She’s loving, compassionate, and kind.
The person I want to be has forgiven you, and loves herself for making that choice.’”
Somehow just expressing these thoughts makes me feel empowered—and all the more confident that I deserve my own respect. I am not forgetting that I was hurt. I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to be the type of love I’d like to receive.
Little in this world is more powerful than that.
Photo by Frames-of-Mind
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.
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