“Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.'” -Unknown
I’ve written a lot of posts about compassion these past few years, challenging both myself and readers to be open-minded and see things from others’ points of view.
On almost every post, someone has commented that there are times when other people are, in fact, wrong–when the person who cut you off in traffic really is a jerk, not just having a bad day; when the friend who hurt you actually had cruel intentions, and didn’t just make an innocent mistake; or when the person who sees things differently is truly misinformed, as opposed to holding a varied, but different opinion.
I think we sometimes fear losing our sense of self and self-respect by giving other people too much leeway. If we give the benefit of the doubt one time too many times, we may start to feel like a door mat. Or if we consider other people’s perspectives too seriously, we may risk losing the beliefs that help us make sense of the world.
If we continually refrain from identifying people as right and wrong, we may find it challenging to hold onto the ideas that feel right to us. And that can be a scary thought, particularly when many of us wrap around our identities around our beliefs and understandings.
But maybe it doesn’t have to work this way. Maybe we can define the conduct we believe to be good and kind, without assuming we know people’s intentions, thereby labeling them right or wrong when they stumble. Maybe we can decide and honor what we believe and allow other people the same freedom, choosing not to be threatened if they see things differently.
Maybe loving ourselves is feeling secure without having to convince other people we’re right; and loving other people is wanting to understand instead of wanting to tell them they’re wrong.
Today if you feel tempted to point out the error of someone’s ways or beliefs, ask yourself: Would I rather argue and create pain, or agree to disagree and maintain peace?
Photo by the gardenbuzz
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Create peace.
I’m currently dealing with a similar situation. I know the right thing to do is let go of my anger, but I’m struggling. I’m struggling to let go and struggling to stay present. At the root of the anger probably resides fear and expectations. I’m trying to work through this issue, the first one to really challenge me in some time, but it’s proving difficult. I think it’s OK to be angry, but letting it linger isn’t doing me any good. I need to continue to chip away at it and its root causes.
Thank you for the reminder on the perspective to keep n difficult situations 🙂
Thank you for the reminder to keep perspective in difficult situations.
This is one of those things that I understand on an intellectual level, but can find very hard to practise in everyday life. I’m getting better at it all the time, but it’s a long journey, and sometimes I just see how far I have to go, rather than how far I’ve come.
On a related note, I can also have difficulties with hearing people saying “I feel differently” as “You are wrong!”, which then kicks in my defensiveness. I’m working on that too – hey, at least I’m not going to get bored any time soon!
Hi,
I believe that respect for each persons beliefs/values maintains balance. Seeking to be “right” is at the heart of most problems…..just look around you…..how much respect & consensus is there?
Thank you &
be good to yourself
David
I love the idea of “I feel differently”, but I have a really tough time with “Let’s just agree to disagree”. I feel like it ends all discussion-not encourages understanding and working together.
I like the advice here on saying that “I feel differently” rather than “you are wrong”. It can be really hard to refrain from pointing out to someone when he or she has not been wise in the approach. Pointing out the “wrong” behavior will be to risk starting a conflict. The “I feel differently” suggestion allows grace and the space to examine differences in perspective and understanding.
“Choosing not to be threatened if they see things differently” is the core issue -me thinks- and that is why it is so difficult to be compassive, face differences with calm, and even learn to enjoy them. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I cannot, I know what approach I want to reach, I don’t know where I can do it as fluid as normal as I want… I’m on the way.
Question, what if someone (your significant other) is lying to you? You know they’re lying and they continue to do so but they can’t/won’t admit to it. Is it then your responsibility to lovingly release this person from your life?
I think self-awareness is everything. There are tons of things I know intellectually, but don’t always practice well. But because I recognize when I falter, I can keep improving day by day. It sounds like that’s what you’re doing, as well. =)
Hi Dave,
I know how hard it can be to let go of anger. The hardest times for me have been when I’ve felt justified–like I couldn’t let go because of the severity of what happened. I’m not sure if saw this before, but I previously wrote a post about anger that may be helpful to you:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/20-things-to-do-when-youre-feeling-angry-with-someone/
I hope this helps!
Lori
I think there are definitely times when we need to let go of people, but we can only know when if we follow our instincts. Sometimes we can forgive and maintain a relationship; sometimes we need to forgive and move on. That’s my take on it!
I think we’re all on the way, Maru! I don’t do this perfectly all the time; but I recognize it’s the goal and I work at it. I suspect that’s the best any of us can do because we are only human!
It most certainly does! I think “I feel differently” is also a show of respect. It shows the other person you aren’t trying to strong-arm them into abandoning what they believe is true.
That’s a great point, Trish. Perhaps a better phrasing would be “agree to try to understand each other.” So that in the end, regardless of whether or not you agree, each person is willing to consider where the other is coming from.
You are most welcome. =)
This is something I’m really struggling with currently. For some reason, I have a very strong need to be “right.” I understand on an intellectual level that arguing is rarely effective in getting someone to see things your way, but I also have a fear of being seen as a doormat. So I like the “I feel differently” response.
I also liked Dale Carnegie’s advice in his classic “How to Win Friends and Influence People:” Simply say, “I can understand why you might feel that way,” and then actually understand that every one of us is influenced by our experiences and surroundings, and something that is wrong for me isn’t necessarily wrong for you.
Hi Lori,
Great post as usual
These days i’m facing a problem at work, one of my collegues did something wrong and I was blamed for it, in the beginning I said that it wasn’t me and I didn’t feel the need to defend myself more sense it wasn’t me, but the person in charge said I know it’s not you but i’m talking generally but what he said was really insulting,, this happened few months ago and i’m still angry from him for what he said and from myself that I didn’t defend myself more, I disappointed myself
You are saying to see things from other people’s point of view, and I understand this and I say to myself ( maybe he was tired, maybe he has other problems at home), but in this case I have to say that he was completely wrong, and I am still angry till now
Have you talked to your boss about this since? If he made comments about your performance that you believed to be untrue, it may help to do a progress update of some sort. It may help you release your anger if he has an opportunity to recognize and praise improvement on your part…
[…] Tiny Wisdom: Sometimes No One Is Wrong | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness … Today if you feel tempted to point out the err of someone's ways or beliefs, ask yourself: Would I rather argue and create pain, or agree to disagree and maintain peace? Source: tinybuddha.com […]
[…] Not me. The more I learn, the more certain I am that I don’t know everything. I guess you could say asking questions is more important to me than being right. […]
Hi Lori.
I just stumbled upon your website and am very impressed. All of the posts seem relevant to my life/current situation. One thing I’m struggling with is how to effectively communicate my feeling with my boyfriend. We end up going round and round about who feels what and nothing ever gets resolved. He’s a very passionate and stubborn man and im the female version of that. Our conversations about feelings never get anywhere. Advise? 🙁
Hi JJ,
I’m glad you’ve found the posts helpful! In regards to you and your boyfriend, do you both practice active listening? That means you take turns communicating (and the one not talking focuses fully). After each of you shares your feelings, the other one repeats what s/he heard. In this way, you ensure that you both understand each other before moving on–and you’re working together to compromise and find solutions instead of talking at each other and feeling unheard.
I hope this helps!
Lori