“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” ~Gandhi
When I was younger, I thought of winning in terms of revenge. I thought that if I felt hurt by bullies, they won. Or if I sat around feeling sad about an ex-boyfriend, he won. On the flip side, if I grew up to be successful, that would be the best revenge against anyone who hurt me.
In being happy, confident, and successful, I would have won.
What a sad way to think, that it’s all one giant score card of them against us. That we’re in a competition to come out on top, and anyone who wronged us, intentionally or not, needs to lose for it to be okay.
It may feel good to imagine there’s a consequence for treating you thoughtlessly. But in the end, what we really want isn’t for other people to suffer or have less than us. We want to make peace with the past so that we can know success and happiness that has nothing to do with our stories.
We want to feel free from the burden of keeping score, knowing that we don’t have to prove we didn’t deserve whatever happened.
We can make that choice on any day. On any day we can take yesterday’s pain out of today’s commitment to joy. Today I make that choice. Do you?
Buddha with pink sky image via Shutterstock
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Lori, I’m very disappointed in this post on winning — you failed to mention Charlie Sheen even once!
Haha! Perhaps I should go edit that back in…
Very nice post, Lori.
I’ve been thinking about this A LOT lately.
How we use the concepts of justice and fairness to perpetuate hurt. When someone causes us hurt we feel entitled to hurt them in return, or ask God to exact his revenge or Karma to work its magic.
But people hurt others out of weakness and often because they have their own issues to deal with. Rather than wish them harm we should look for ways we can contribute positively to the world.
Thank you for your positive contribution! ;D
This post came just in time. 🙂
It’s so true. This reminds me of Steven Covey talking about being “enemy centered” where everything you do in life is done simply to “win” or spite someone else. Not very effective I’d think!
Well said Haider! Thanks for reading and commenting =)
I’ve always been told that I am in fact a bad person for wanting revenge on the people who tormented me for years, that I am wrong, that I am no better than them, and whilst I can look at it with my rational brain and understand all the reasons why this is true, understanding the folly of revenge and so on, I still want it more than anything else in the world, I want it so I can finally die in peace. I’m not sure if this says something about just me or the human mind in general, but no matter how hard I try, the thought of forgiving them makes my physically ill, and I’m not even exaggerating. Justice was never served, it was never even a possibility because of their age, and that was wrong.
I don’t think that makes you a bad person. It’s natural to want life to be fair, and for bad deeds to not go unpunished. And it sounds like you’ve been seriously hurt. The question is whether or not you’ll act on this instinct.
“Good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong” can often compromise our ability to experience happiness. I believe morality is meant as a guide for a better life, not to judge ourselves (and others). Unfortunately, many people live in a dichotomy of either doing the right thing or being happy. But the right thing is to be happy. We owe it to ourselves.
The world isn’t just. But should our happiness be dependent on having “justice served”? Is perpetuating other people’s mistreatment of us fair to ourselves?
It hurts me to think that others have experienced injustice, but I find comfort in the fact that – from this moment – you have a choice of whether to focus on the pains of the past or the possibilities of the future. You can smile now and choose to focus on all the things that will bring you joy, without living in the shadows of those who have hurt you.
Don’t forgive them. Forget them. Your life isn’t about them. It’s about you. Make the most of it.
The fine people you see on this site are different from you. They have simply chosen to think differently, and their lives have changed accordingly. Some practice meditation and non-judgment, and that brings them inner serenity. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Explore the ways you can make your life better.
I wish you happiness and a great life ahead of you. 🙂
That should read: “The fine people you see on this site are NOT different from you.” #facepalm
“We want to feel free from the burden of keeping score, knowing that we don’t have to prove we didn’t deserve whatever happened.”
Wow. I never thought of it that way before. I’m trying to prove that I didn’t deserve what happened to me…
The person who hurt me is the one who acted badly – not me – so why I am the one trying to prove to him that I am good?
And he acted badly based on his own issues, pain, fear, etc.
It probably didn’t have anything to do with me.
And there is a really good chance that he already figured out what he did to me was wrong… so I don’t really need to prove anything to him.
huh. I feel so much better.
Yes, it’s so freeing to change our perspective in this way. I’m glad this was helpful to you!