“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron
We all have stories we tell ourselves about the events in our lives. Many of them are negative: My boyfriend left me because I’m not good enough. I didn’t get that job because people think I’m incompetent. My parents were too hard on me because they don’t really love me.
We often give far more meaning to events than they actually had, allowing them to control us and our actions.
Your stories can either leave you feeling helpless or empowered.
Martin Seligman, who coined the term “positive psychology” suggests that we can learn optimism and change those stories using the ABC model. When an adversity (A) happens, we can identify beliefs (B) and the undesirable consequences (C) they create.
So if your boyfriend left you and you believe it’s because you’re not good enough, that will likely leave you feeling down on yourself, and as a consequence, shut down to joy and people.
The alternative is to dispute that story to create a sense of possibility. Instead of believing that you’re not good enough, you can think, “This one relationship didn’t work out, and I can learn from this, but lots of people love me, just as I am, and many more will in the future if I keep putting myself out there.”
This story won’t completely take away the pain, but it will remind you that it’s temporary–and that you are not helpless.
We never are unless we choose to be.
Photo by kelp1966
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This looks like to be said just for me. How true!!
It all is in the angle in which we perceive the problem.
Nice piece Lori.
I have a love hate relationship with this information. I’m a dramatist. I love my stories. The intrigue. The juice! In reality, Life is what it is. It is our interpretation that creates our joy or sorrow. But damn I hate to give up my stories. LOL
Pam Picard
What a great post. Instead of wallowing in suffering, we can do something productive with it. By using the ABC method you described, we can find ways to keep bad events from permiating into good events. Thanks!
This is very true. I often will have a negative interpretation of a situation, and I have found that simply letting that mental stream run without identifying with it helps a lot!
Thanks for the comments everyone! I’ve created my fair share of drama, but I have found this way of thinking very helpful in creating inner peace. Love and light to you all =)
Lori
oh thank you…I needed this today! how easily we forget…right?
You’re most welcome!
I seem to be stuck thinking about my fiancés past, I’ve heard stories of ex boyfriends and a drug problem and alcohol problem when she was young, she also got pregnant young with someone who’s never around and she didn’t know… I feel like I’m beating myself up for all these things in her past, how can I let go of these judgmental thoughts and move on and be happy, cause she is real good to me
Hi there,
Do you feel like she is a different person now? (You don’t need to answer this for me–it’s just for you). Do you love the person she is now? Everything she has been through has led her to this moment. All her struggles and issues created her. If you trust that she has changed, and if you love her as she is, than ask yourself which you’d prefer: to accept her, past and all, and enjoy your time with her; or dwell on where she’s been and miss out on the opportunity to love her.
Of course there’s another possibility–that you just can’t accept her, but you’re staying with her because you don’t want to lose someone who is good to you. There are lots of women out there who would be good to you. If you don’t truly love her, perhaps it’s time to walk away and find someone who you can accept fully. You’re not obligated to stay if your heart’s not fully in it.
I hope this helps a little!
Lori