“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up.” -Jesse Jackson
I’ve always believed that there is a fundamental difference between compassion and pity: Compassion stands beside someone; pity stands above.
Sometimes it’s tempting to stand in that place, and not just because we’re being judgmental or cruel. Oftentimes, it feels safer up there. You don’t need to understand that person, or what they’re dealing with.
You also don’t need to get too close. You can simply remove yourself without getting too invested or involved, knowing that you feel bad, but there’s nothing you can do.
Compassion suggests a level of responsibility. It’s not just a matter of recognizing that someone else is in a bad place. It’s about knowing what that feels like, even if you’ve dealt with different challenges, and being a willing participant in healing that pain.
I remember when I was at the lowest point of my life there were two distinct types of friends: the friends who listened fully, and the friends who interrupted me with judgments and advice before I even had a chance to explore what hurt me.
I want to be the friend who listens–the one who may not always have the answers, but intends to be part of the solution, not the problem. I suspect that starts with a simple assertion, followed by a question: I am here. How can I help?
Who needs your help today?
Photo by Andrew Dyson
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“Seek first to understand then to be understood” – Stephen Covey
I think this really describes your good friends.
They first wanted to understand what you were going through, they let you speak, let you tell them your story and then, if they had it, gave you the answer.
Being there for someone is the best form of help you can give. Often people know the answer themselves, they are just looking for someone to listen to it, without judgement and then agree.
loved this, and i posted/tweeted/shared this great advice: «Be the friend who listens–the one who may not always have answers,
but intends to be part of a solution, not the problem.»
Thanks (again) Lori/TINY Buddha!
I really appreciate the reminder to “listen fully” as the best way to be a friend to a friend who’s in need.
I often feel like jumping in with advice and solutions, and I’m working
on being a better listener. I know in my heart that each of us has our
own solutions somewhere inside, and I don’t need to offer any. I’ve been
finding out that when people just listen to us talk about our problems,
we get to talk it all out, and in doing so, we talk our own way to our
own solutions.
I’m holding space for grieving for awhile. Second anniversary of my sisters murder. No one said anything. I guess I’ve said plenty to myself. Still, I wish someone would have said something.
Thank you for reminding people what compassion is vs. pity. At some point in our lives we all need some compassion sent our way. There is so much need in our world today and helping or giving to another will only make you feel great inside. One small act of kindness will cause a ripple effect that will last a life time.
For a couple of months now I have been following “Tiny Buddha” and have found it to be the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever found on the net. I’m very grateful. Thank you.
Cheryl Andrews
My brother died approximately two years ago, but it often feels like it was just yesterday. I held his hand as he left this planet, and the intensity of that experience is something that is so powerful it’s hard to find the words to express the impact. Tiny Buddha has been a great source of strength, wisdom, and support, which has helped me in so many ways. I’ve also found it to be a “pay it forward thing”; a great place to find wisdom regarding helping others who cross my path in life.
Cheryl Andrews
So simply put, for something that otherwise I’ve found hard to describe. Thank you for making something important, so easy to put into practice from this point forward.
I always think about that movie It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had no idea what type of ripple effect his actions had. Granted, life isn’t a movie, but I suspect the same is true for most of us!
Thanks Sarah!
You are most welcome. =)
Wow thank you! It’s so wonderful to know Tiny Buddha has been helpful and enjoyable.
Wow thank you! It’s so wonderful to know Tiny Buddha has been helpful and enjoyable.
Wow thank you! It’s so wonderful to know Tiny Buddha has been helpful and enjoyable.
Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through. Please know that you are in my thoughts.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Much love,
Lori
Hi Kate,
I often feel like that, too. (I have an inner control freak, as well!) What’s been helping me lately is to work on mindfulness when listening–feeling my feet on the ground, breathing deeply, focusing solely on the words I’m hearing. It sounds so bizarre to even suggest that one might need help being a fully present listener, but it’s just so tempting to let the mind wander to solutions, advice, etc!
Lori
I think you hit the nail on the head. There’s another quote that reads, “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” I think oftentimes people are looking for ways to either validate or avoid the truth. If people talk long enough, though, they often hear their own instincts too loudly to ignore.