“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”
This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.
I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and bad; right and wrong; for us and against us. But labels can hurt us far more than they people to whom we assign them because they generally come from fear. Fear keeps us from seeing things as they really are. Very little is as it seems.
Some people may seem to be purposefully hurtful, but in all reality, they’re dealing with their own struggles and insecurities, and that translates as a lack of support. Some people may seem to be negative or judgmental, but in all likelihood, they’re simply trying to help you see things from a different perspective.
This doesn’t mean that people always have good intentions; it just means far fewer have poor intentions than we think.
It might be a lot quicker and simpler to put people into narrow little boxes. It certainly takes a lot less energy to assume certain people are on your side and certain people aren’t.
But we end up seeing people as enemies and allies instead of realizing we’re all on the same team. It is possible to tune out words that don’t serve us without labeling the people who speak them as bad and assuming they want us to fail.
This leaves us with a choice: We can shut other people, assuming they’re not on our side; or we can break down a wall by trying to see where they’re coming from, so that sides no longer exist. The world becomes a far more understanding and supportive place when we choose to be understanding and supportive.
Photo by igb
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I agree that we shouldn’t shut out PEOPLE; however, we do need to learn to shut out hateful, derogatory, and unhelpful comments and remarks. And we may or may not always choose to expend the energy to “find out where they’re coming from.”
When you have people in your life who are black-or-white thinkers because of mental disorders, we can understand and empathize with them all day long, but that can be a draining experience. Sometimes we do need to shut out those vibes, disengage and walk away for a little while, without considering those people “bad” or “the enemy.” Simply “Not good for me right this minute.” It’s hard walking that fine line between being accepting and understanding, and being co-dependent/an enabler.
I totally agree that everyone is struggling with their own issues. Someone once said “Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I do think that we need to protect ourselves, though, from people who, for whatever reason, exude energy that brings our own energy levels down, make us feel unsupported or criticized, etc. I think it’s important to separate from people who can’t support us in the way we need, but at the same time be nonjudgmental in that separation. As Writing Goddess said, think of them as being “not good for me right this minute.” In fact, I second everything Writing Goddess said 🙂 But this article is a great reminder that sometimes we falsely put others into boxes and judge them without compassion, simply because we may not understand where they’re coming from.
For myself, I have a hard time accepting that sometimes *I* have been the person who struggled and wasn’t able to be as supportive as I would have liked. I’m still working on forgiving myself for some things I’ve done that ended up draining people I loved.
I think we’ve probably all been on both sides of this issue at one time or another, which is also a great reminder not to judge others for not being all that we need in that moment.
-M
You bring up a great point about separating people from their remarks. Sometimes people say things without understanding the full impact of their words, and often without intending to be hurtful. They’re just speaking from their own fears. Ultimately, how we internalize things is entirely up to us.
There is a big difference between what I am referring to and abusive relationships (someone who regularly hurls vicious, mean-spirited remarks). Those people are also dealing with their own challenges, but in those cases, I think we need to know when to walk away to take care of ourselves. I love what you wrote about “not good for me right in this minute.” It’s a much healthier way to look at things!
Well said, Melissa! I know I have been on both sides, as well, and I would never have intended to hold people back or bring them down. Sometimes, my intention has been to be helpful. I think it’s all a fine dance between knowing what we need to do to take care of ourselves, but also remembering that most people don’t mean us harm. They’re just dealing with their own fears and insecurities.
I struggle with black and white thinking and have been in therapy for over a year learning new skills. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child. Do I have a mental disorder? Perhaps, but I also know that I deserve love and compassion. I know I’ve hurt people because of my issues, and I live with that guilt everyday, but I still deserve a chance, especially when I’m making efforts to deal with my problems.
I hear what you’re saying about not being an enabler, but at the same time I don’t know where I would be without the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. There are millions of people like me who need help, and I am grateful for those who open their heart and minds and try to understand me, instead of judging me and walking away because it’s “too much to handle.” Everyone deserves a chance.
Lynn, let me say that I am so very, very sorry for what you’ve gone through. And I don’t think that anyone should give up on you, as a person. Especially YOU shouldn’t give up on you. 🙂
In my own life, and in contact with others, I’ve come to see that sometimes we cast ourselves in the pattern of a Rescuer or Enabler. We’ve often beat up on ourselves because we think that if we only tried harder, listened better, understood more – *we* would then be able to “save” someone who was in trouble (whether they wanted to be saved or not). Often we made extreme and unhealthy sacrifices of our own emotional health and needs.
Nobody can “save” other people. Nor should we ever demonize anybody because they think differently than we do, or become smug because they may struggle in an area where we feel we excel. We can and should help others, and reach out to those who seem different from ourselves. We all have faults and weaknesses.
We can *help* someone like you, aware of her issues and working very hard to become emotionally healthy. But in the end, no matter how much help you receive, and I hope you receive plenty – the person who saves you will be YOU. Because *you* have that inner strength and courage and worth, despite everything you went through.
There are people, sadly, who don’t want to help themselves, don’t want to be part of the larger human community. There is only so far the rest of us can go in trying to understand and help someone who isn’t ready to BE helped.
I too have been on both sides of this, and I’m watching my sister do this (feel that the people in her life are intentionally trying to hurt and/or cause her pain) now. She’s actually divided them into two groups, based on an article she read: Balcony and Basement people. She’s pushed away the people closest to her, including me, her husband, and her sister-in-law, to name a few. Why?
Because she’s grieving the death of her daughter from a car accident 2 years ago. And because of her intense grief, she’s not able to see beyond that grief to understand that the people closest to her were not trying to cause her pain. She’s trying to deal with her own struggles and insecurities, and yes, the quote “Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”is very appropriate.
I don’t think this article is *at all* about hateful, derogatory comments and remarks, or abusive and hurtful people. Not at all. It’s about struggling to see the good intentions of a person and inaccurately ascribing their intention to mean harm. When we are not in a ‘good place’ emotionally, it’s very easy to believe others mean us harm.
I’m a mental health therapist. One of the ways I sometimes demonstrate this is by a pair of deep red lens sunglasses. I’ll have my client try them on and look at their skin, asking them the color of their skin. “Red”. But is your skin truly Red, or are you seeing it as being red because your perception is now skewed by the lens color”
Perception is huge. Though it may not be accurate.
~ZZ
Yes, but it still hurts when a friend you have had for more than ten years drops you like a hot potato with no word of explanation.
Oh, absolutely, it hurts! I don’t think understanding that others are suffering means that we don’t feel pain from their actions sometimes. I still have a hard time remembering that when people treat me badly, it means they are fighting their own internal battles. People still have a responsibility to treat others with respect, though, even despite whatever their battles may be. I think we can still expect others to behave humanly while at the same time understanding that when they don’t, it’s usually about them and not us. I know it’s difficult.
If something or someone angers you, think again, this is where your lesson lies, in understanding why!”
I suggest you educate your self with the psychopath which is 4.7 % of the population.
I married one and gave her support in every way. She saw me as nothing more than an object to be used and tossed aside like trash when I was no longer of any use.
They are there for one thing only, to use, abuse, tear done the souls life energy and destroy the object when it has come to the end of it’s usefullness. The evil, parasitic, pshychopath is well hidden and they care for no one, even their own children. These people can only be handled one was, No Contact and get away from them as fast as posible.
Super article and great advice…best I’ve read in awhile. Thanks!!
Clearly, you have never really participated in a giant internet community. There are TRULY malicious people out there that should be tuned out. In my experience.
I find this to be insulting and exclusive. People with mental disorders do not deserve to be shut out. If you find them draining, perhaps YOU Have a mental disorder. This is a terrible thing to say and way off the mark of the author’s intentions. People like you turn me off of reading comments.