Thank you for the words of wisdom and support; I have taken it to heart. I have successfully abstained from self harm since I made this post five months ago. I got into therapy for a couple months and got through two more quarters. The break up ended badly with him slapping me. In retrospect I look at this post at how I questioned my decision to break up with him and my questions about love and relationships and it shows me how confused I am.

Two days ago I confronted my mother about the sexual abuse because she is in a romantic relationship with him. I started the conversation stating how I am afraid of him but I am more afraid of him taking my family away from me. My mother went into gaslighting mode. because he has sexually abused another family member before I was born, he convinced my mother it was an affair with a 12 year old so my mom didn’t see it as sexual abuse, and automatically went to debunking that incident before I could speak a word about mine. She interrogated me for details and pressured it out of me that he touched me while I was in bed at night. She kept saying not enough details. So I ended the conversation with that statement that it hurts me once to have the event happen and it hurts me again to have you deny it so I can’t have a relationship with you. I get a voicemail by accidental pocket dial from my mom talking to the abuser. The conversation is about me and his innocence but my mom states that she believes something must of happened. She called me again to ask for more details about the event which I did not answer and blocked her phone numbers. She has a child with him. I started playing psychologist in my head, like my mom can’t move past the denial because it hurts so much, or the abuser did this because he was abused which is all true. but I can’t be a psychologist. I can’t really ever understand what goes on in their minds. I can hardly understand myself.

So I wrote out commitments I have made to myself so when my motivation to live dwindles I have strength to fall back on. A part of me flashes between doubting myself that I can trust my own mind and wanting to just end my life, and another part of me flashes into debunking shame and trying to imagine what healing looks like. I started journaling as much as possible.

1) I commit myself to always having hope, to allow myself to breathe deeply to feel space expanding around me and connect my mind to beautiful imagery and soft music to remind my brain I can have positive emotions and to keep hope.

2) I commit myself to build a life worth living so I can never feel worthless. I see this as a commitment to be practice gratitude, and share empathy with others and myself. A life worth living is full of connection with others and myself. The ability to trust. The ability to be resilient to accept life. To be able to empower myself to make decisions and set healthy boundaries. The ability to be curious and learn without the fear of not being good enough. To maintain the mindset that trying is doing and learning is a from of play.

3) I commit myself to letting go of shame by being grounded in my body and in the current moment. Over time, I hope yoga, meditation, and hypnotherapy and diminish the power the messages of shame that keep resurfacing in my mind. The urge to control shame is so strong I think this is what leads me to self harm. The skills I need to diminish the power of shame is uncertain. I feel like it leads to being able to control the thoughts I tell myself, what I visualize, and what action I take to counterbalance these intruding thoughts. I really do believe that I become what I focus on. Energy flows where attention goes.

4) I commit myself to trust in a higher power. I do not believe in a specific religion, but I do believe we are souls having a human experience. I find heart shaped rocks that I interpret as a sign that I am loved. I have experienced psychosis so I am trying to be careful with how I envision this commitment. But in essence, I commit to knowing that awareness is the master of my mind and I am more than just thoughts and experiences and that I deserve to live.

I am hoping I can make a clear boundary in my mind with the past and with my mother so It can not intrude in my life anymore. Thank you for responding to my post, Amu, you are right, every gain made is a gain that can not be lost. And thank you Anita for helping my recognize how having contact with my mother was hurting me. I hope my internal compass makes setting boundaries simple. I have been stuck in my head for weeks not wanting to leave the house and just think and process and try to find a direction and I think this commitments are my direction. Now I just need to implement them.