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Zed

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  • in reply to: 16yrs later, it still feels right! #368540
    Zed
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I think your partner sounds angry and is finding it hard to cope. A practical thing he could do is wear ear mufflers or something to block out sound – I worked in a cochlear service in a hospital and people who need hearing aids can find noises we find normal quite distressing and generally hear differently. It might be that he is chronically distressed from constant noises that increase his emotional reactivity – thus making it hard for him to be tolerant.

    I think with regards to the gloves and the massage, it’s something that would upset me too, but I think the best thing to do with a partner (if you want to stay) is to try and be compassionate and praise him in a way for doing things that you like and he will likely do this more. It seems like you are trying hard in this marriage and I wonder if he is trying too? It’s important that you show yourself love and only you know whether staying or leaving will be the most loving route for you and for your son.

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time – and with a young son. Ultimately I wish you the very best and hope that can stay safe. I worry that your husbands actions are aggressive and I wonder if there are behaviours that are on the aggressive side that maybe you have not felt comfortable sharing? (I only say this because it’s really common for us not to want to share the darker things to complete strangers!) But I want you to feel ok and hope that you and your son will be safe, once lines are crossed it’s very difficult to draw them out again. Relate is a good charity that helps with relationships, and there also loads of counselling charities if you’d like a listening ear. Alternatively – I’d write in a journal for yourself, there’s a lot that you’re going through and a lot you have invested and I can feel your sadness through the posts. I think you have the strength to get through this and I don’t think your partner is bad. Perhaps the person you fell in love with is still there, but they have changed with time and have the tendency to do more bad things that hurt you, and not the good things that he used to do which you grew to fall in love with.

    Wishing you peace and love x

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: Is changing one’s appearance the way to love ? #368537
    Zed
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I read Anita’s reply and thought it was insightful. Anita picked up a few quotes from your previous posts that got me thinking (I’m a very new user so not sure where to find your previous one, also I only registered because I wanted a way to reach out to you).

    So here’s what my thoughts are:

    – Seems like your family were or are (?) “extremely abusive… emotional, physical, psychological”. I wonder what your childhood taught you about how to relate to others and to yourself? It sounds like you’ve had a rough time growing up in a difficult environment where you might not have had the opportunity to learn that you are perfect the way you are, that there are strengths that are unique to you and that you are loved. Harsh childhoods can often help us grow into adults that think we are not good enough. I wonder if you have this feeling about yourself, and bring this to relationships. If you do, you’re definitely not alone. I’m thinking that this might be something you have thought about because emotional, physical and psychological abuse has a way of making us feel like there’s something wrong, or that what we do is not good enough. In can make adult relationships tricky because we can find it hard to set boundaries and think about what we will and won’t stand for.

    – You have worked at jobs that have not satisfied you or you disliked Our work can sometimes be an extension of ourselves and what we want for ourselves, it’s when our ants and dreams align with our careers/jobs that I think we can truly feel quite happy and at peace because there’s a type of congruence to our lives and what we think about ourselves and how we spend our time. I wonder why you have stayed in certain jobs and if you have ever stayed in relationships where you also weren’t satisfied. Obviously I don’t want to make assumptions here – there could be the simple fact of needing to earn some money and staying in a job because of that…but, if there’s some other reason maybe it could be connected to patterns in relationships too?

    –  “addiction problems galore, mainly love addiction” This makes me think that there is some sort of numbing, that the addiction is not perhaps enjoyable but something that you might feel sucked in to. I think ‘love addiction’ is a contradiction in terms, because love for me is freedom, open and light whereas addiction is constricting, closed and a bit of a drain.

    – that you were rejected many times by potential romantic partners, that you’ve been in “therapy (different therapists) for countless years”, and still, you “have not found a stable good relationship” This one really got me thinking. I wonder if the pattern in relationships have played out in your interaction with therapists. It sounds like being in therapy with different people for a number of years looks a bit like shaky ground, that you are in search of something and not finding it. Your words on not being able to find a stable relationship got me thinking about what you might be (unwittingly) doing to create this feeling for yourself. Maybe you are staying with another person far longer than you really want to or leaving too soon? I don’t know, just struck me that both examples of instability reflect relational patterns.

    – ‘I feel like my personality and character do not match up/ in synch with how I look, and girls in particular have brushed me off just based on that alone”

    “Is changing my appearance the only way to achieve another’s appreciation/ romantic love..?”

    I think that maybe you do, maybe you don’t. The question I think that is more important here is how can you learn to love yourself more than you are? How do you cultivate a truly stable relationship with yourself (which is a pretty tough thing to do – I’m still working on it!). If you love yourself first, really completely and exude this in your life, it will be probably easier to find someone and create a stable relationship. If also in loving yourself more you want to be healthier, maybe this will also show up in your appearance. I personally think that our appearance is quite important but more important is what we carry inside of ourselves.

    Best of luck David 🙂

     

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