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Sam

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  • November 3, 2019 at 3:19 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #321063
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi Mi and anita,

    Thank you so much for your reassuring words, I can imagine it is still very difficult at times, but yes, in the long term the decision taken is what was best for you. I will write down my reasons so that I can remember at the times when I feel down.

    I am ready to deal with the hard times ahead once I have broken up. I have decided to make my move upcoming week…I see him suffering as he can see I have distanced myself a lot and there is no beauty at all in letting this go on longer like this. I don’t think I will ever feel 100% ready so I just have to rip of the bandage.

    Thank you anita for all your support. I have been reading the forum for quite a while now and I really admire how you are able to help people navigate through their problems. I will write again once I have made my move.

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Sam.
    November 2, 2019 at 1:05 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #320919
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for putting that all in order, it is very useful for me to have such an overview. Breaking up will indeed be hard no matter what, that is not going to change.

    I have noticed that when I am not at home (work, family, out with friends…) I do not miss him at all and I am 100% sure of doing this – I feel like I have mentally already checked out and am even making some plans for the coming months (and I must admit, these past days I have told some people that I am breaking up, somehow it felt that saying it out loud officially might make it easier). When I get home I feel a little guilty for being soso sure and then coming home acting like all is okay, of course seeing him also stirs up some feelings and fear of separation and that is where I think the attachment plays a big role.

    Regarding your question…that would have to be discussed, but I think maybe the first weeks I will be staying at friends while he tries to find a new place and when he has found one I will come back to the house and deal with the practicalities of furniture etc. I have more income so it would be easier for me to keep living in the house for a little while longer to figure things out.

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Sam.
    November 1, 2019 at 2:01 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #320797
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much, I do belief this is the right approach… now, the thing I am struggling with most is finding the right moment. He has been acting very sweet, took me out for dinner, doing some things around the house…I can see he is trying. But sadly, I feel I have fallen out of love and no matter what he does, it is now too late, something inside me has already moved on.

    How do I choose the right moment? How long can I wait? I feel the longer I wait the more chance I change my mind and I don’t want to… It also feels like I am leading him on by acting okay when so many things are going through my mind. I have distanced myself emotionally to be able to go through with it, because if I start feeling too much, I know I won’t manage.

    I am planning in a lot of things in my schedule to be away from home a lot, this maybe shows him I am pulling away and he will be able to see it coming when I ask if we can have a talk? Is this a bad approach? Do I wait until I know he has some days off so he can arrange things? I am sorry to bother you so much with this!!

     

     

    October 31, 2019 at 2:17 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #320671
    Sam
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I would actually appreciate that a lot. In the past whenever I have prepared arguments he seems to always have an answer to counter them. This confuses me and makes me feel I have not been trying hard enough to fix things. The mix of seeing him sad, surprised and giving me the feeling he actually wants to try harder always results in me not being able to go through with it.

    Regarding what we have been discussing, me pointing this out results in him replying that it is just not something that comes natural to him and he can start doing it for me but he wont enjoy it. As he has said to me in the past; stop trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

    Generally I think that instead of giving him a list of things I am not happy about, I have to keep it simple – tell him I do not feel I am in love anymore…that I love him, but the strong feelings that make me want to spend my life with him are not there anymore. We are different in some ways that for me too important and we will not be able to fix them at this point, so I believe we should separate… Is this too general?

     

     

    October 30, 2019 at 1:57 pm in reply to: Constant indecision! #320621
    Sam
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right… that it is something I just cannot know nor predict, just what I guess based on his feelings towards me. He has had a hard life and I feel he loves me in the ways that he knows how, but sadly that is just not enough for me.

    I think I just have to focus on myself, it will be hard enough for me once I manage/am ready to break it off. I know now it has to be done, one way or another.

     

    October 30, 2019 at 1:19 pm in reply to: Constant indecision! #320609
    Sam
    Participant

    We have built a life together over the past 4 years, given that he doesnt like to go out, we have spent most of our time just the two of us and developed everything around this. We have made plans for the future, have a house, pets… he genuinly thinks we are very happy together and all that will fall apart the moment I say the words. He does not have much of a support system and that worries me. Thinking someone loves you 100% and then they suddenly break up with you…I can imagine is very tough.

    October 30, 2019 at 1:01 pm in reply to: Constant indecision! #320599
    Sam
    Participant

    Thanks to both of you for your answers.

    I think that indeed in many aspects we are incompatible and the things we want out of a relationship are different. By me agreeing so often to giving up things I find important in a relationship, I have given him the impression that he has a lot of control to make the decisions. I have held on very strongly to the aspects that we do have in common and times that we have fun together and used them as the reason why we belong together, but the more I think about it, the more I believe these are things I can also find with someone else.

    I am terrified of not having him in my life, he is such a big part of it…but mostly I feel like a horrible person for hurting him. I have tried to break up before but I just havent been able to utter the words, it literally feels like they are stuck in my throat! Like when you scream in a dream but no noise comes out of your mouth. Why does it seem so impossible? Am I just afraid of having to deal with the aftermath? Afraid that I cant take it back? Because again…we are talking master and slave, but he really isnt a bad guy at all, just different.

    Thanks again for the advices, I have to say it is helping me a lot.

    October 30, 2019 at 11:00 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #320571
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes you have captured that well, very long story very short, that is the situation I find myself in, and I definitely blame myself for not owning up to my values and communicating better since the beginning. I belief that if I would have done that, we would probably not even be in this relationship (I absolutely dont want to play victim). I have not been unhappy at all, but reading back my journals of these last years, the themes are extremely repetitive, as follows:

    We are fine, stable…then I start feeling restless, I want us to do more of the things together that I enjoy like take walks, eat together, have friends in common, have more sex… for him to generally be more proactive in doing things together (he likes videogames and tv) – I explain, try to apply changes and he makes clear it is not something he finds necesary or likes, we fight, make up and forget about it – I start focusing on myself and we are again stable for a couple of months until I again start feeling like something is missing for me in the relationship.

    However I do love him…of course after all these years we have formed a close bond and we share all the things we have, so taking that final step to break a seemingly unavoidable cycle is very tough, specially when he really doesnt see why and is quite surprised I feel this way. I do belief I would benefit from some time alone for the first time in my life to work on myself and my boundries. I am however used to ending my relationships once there are no more feelings on my side, and since this time there are still feelings, it really seems impossible…

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Sam.
    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Sam.
    October 30, 2019 at 7:55 am in reply to: Constant indecision! #320537
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi Valora, thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

    I have indeed seen a counselor about this and done a lot of reflecting on my own too and I am very aware of how my past and my family relationships have contributed to me being a people pleaser. I have worked very hard on this part of myself and have applied my progress onto my relationship by standing my ground more and trying to integrate my values. However, I find myself dating a guy who “is how he is and that is never gong to change”, which means that any values of mine that I have tried to integrate into the relationship have largely been rejected. I’ll give you an easy example; I want to have dinner at the kitchen table instead of on the sofa in front of the tv, so that we have some quality time to talk. After 4 years it has still been impossible to make this happen. I think this is my fault for never bringing it up at the beginning of the relationship. Like this I have many more examples.

    I don’t want to make this a post where I blame him for everything. On the contrary. He is who he is and he knows it, and he has been very clear about it since the beginning. Me on the other hand have not, and as I take time to reflect on myself and understand what I want, I see it just doesn’t match up at all with what he wants. I feel I have cheated him by pretending to be so okay with everything all this time, and it is catching up with me. I feel the only way forward is to end this relationship so I can really figure out what I want and then find someone who matches those values.

    I kind of believe that wall that doesn’t allow me to break up is the fear of hurting him soso badly…

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