I just realized that something didn’t make sense. If I truly disdained people, then why do I feel so lonely being single?

Spent several years telling myself and others that I just wasn’t a people person. That I am not that big on kids, etc. Hiding from interactions, etc.

this cognitive dissonance is adding more stress to my life than work is. Watching folks recently, to include many types of couples, had led me to believe that the problem is with me and how I react to things. Heck, I have kind of softened my outlook on kids.

My reactions and thought processes have kind of been ingrained for decades. Have kind of become a bitter grouchy person. A greying 38 year old, with a frown lines face, and minimal friends. I am tired of being that person.

I truly think that I could offer someone love, empathy, etc. but how do I convince someone of that? Or, better yet, how do I really convince myself?

I am sorry, had been venting. So wrapped up in work and stress that I wasn’t thinking all that well.

I don’t have any contact info for that woman other than a work email. I will have to see if I can run into her next week.

I don’t really know. Had suggested something after hours then mentioned that I had forgotten she had a kid when I suggested it. I can’t recall anything else that I said, though maybe it has to do with timing and the papers not yet being filed. Who knows. Just one more relationship that looks to have tanked.

Maybe she picked up on the high level of stress right now, who knows. Can’t imagine why I’d seem a bit stressed, two significant trials this month book ending my birthday (wheee), appeals due early next month, a trip to Bismarck early next month, and a BS trip that is supposed to start today. Oh, and getting surprise projects tossed in too, that result in rearranging existing meetings for the significant trials, and requiring time to figure it what the project is.

My goal of getting out more and trying to get into a relationship by the end of August; bah. Looks like ending up another year of the same old stuff.

I admit that at this point, I am just kind of tired. I am supposed drive 400 miles to Fargo today, got kept up to after midnight, now can’t get to sleep. Like I said, things just going to hell this week. Rather fitting that this potential relationship should to.

I am really tempted to just pack up and move to somewhere, truly leave family behind, never ever deal with them again. Couldn’t even get packed in peace without crap, and what about this that, and the other thing. Didn’t even want to take the trip let alone be accompanied. I don’t have time for it, I don’t want to drive it, and if I had time for travel I’d sure not go there. But here I am, stuck with it for trying to appease people. The way this week is going, maybe my car will get flattened by a semi; would certainly take care of worrying about the the upcoming BS.

Really starting to think that maybe I am just not compatible with relationships. While I would love to find somebody, somebody to kiss goodnight every night and kiss good morning every morning, just not sure that it is viable. There is a deep longing, and, being a bioscience guy, I know that quite a bit of that is hardwired, but experience is saying something different. Did you become a mathematician if you are bad at math?

I wish I was better at putting down this internal conflict. I will say that my life has felt worse since being stupid enough to let family move in. Feeling all the crap I fled from. Can’t believe I was so stupid. I try to do the dutiful thing, again, and get screwed. I move 2600 miles to get away from the crap, and was stupid enough to bring it back. Just feels like things have been going wrong since then. Now, she has pretty much given up any pretext of moving. I asked folks I know in my line of work, and I pretty much got a negative reaction from them about trying to make her move out. Gah, I hate this bs. When I go to work, I don’t have any privacy in my things at home anymore. I come back and find things have been gone through, etc. I am even getting periodic calls at work about crap that doesn’t matter.

I really don’t want to have to, but I may have to pull out of my investments to find new living arrangements. I simply can’t do this. I can’t go to sleep. I wake up edgy and in pain. Despite knowing that I don’t like watching the news, she has now gotten to standing in my door and talking about all the crap that had been spewed forth in the news. I can’t even think straight at times.

Right now, massively on edge. Looking at spending a week doing something I don’t want to, knowing I have more important things to do.

Haven’t heard back. Who knows. Probably like everything else and going to hell in a handbasket.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder. She wanted my number to get in contact with me. I gave her mine, but did not ask for hers, indicating that I would get it from her when she texted. Haven’t heard anything :/. Maybe I made a mistake by not asking for it, but the last woman got really touchy about that.

She asked about kids and I said they were okay. Hope I didn’t screw anything to up. Let her talk a lot about her history, etc. she apologized for going on about it so much, told her it was fine.

The last time I saw a woman light up like that to see me was back in grad school. It felt wonderful:). Much better than the previous woman. I felt really positive around her. I didn’t feel any desire to make snide or negative comments. I felt relaxed, not stressed around her. Felt no need to prove anything. We stared deeply into each others’ eyes. Everything seemed natural. Nothing seemed forced.

Hope that there is a second round. Would really enjoy being with her again.

I also didn’t want to push for too hard, because she is still married. If I didn’t do anything incorrect, I think this could work.

Highly educated, beautiful in a different way than the previous woman (more toward the cute side), full of life, seems a bit money stressed, but she would have no idea of my resources.

Just hope I hear back.

Is it possible for somebody to have a divorce and pick up right away with a successful relationship?