Hi Anita,

Thanks for your feedback here, I will send it anyway, including the running.

Ziad,

Dear Anita,

It Might be risky, but the higher the risk the higher the return, Its not my first time, i did it before, 2 years ago, and then i used to run every day, for a whole month, and i rested only two or three days during, and it was Ramadan, and i was fasting, no water or food before 7 pm, I used to leave work at 4, and then run 3 kilos a day, and then spend half an hour in the pool, and anther sitting in the sun, I lost 15 kg that week, but unfortunately i could not keep it as a habit then.

Am running now on tartan track, which are softer on the knees, on my joints as a whole,I eat well, three meals a day, i drink milk, I eat healthy, I do not smoke hash any more, which i used to do every day, i used to smoke only hash cigarettes, i do not want to drink alcohol any more, I used to drink a lot a year ago, and am really considering to quit smoking at all, it is hard, but i have just decided to smoke only 5 cigarettes a day!

The causes of CFS aren’t well-understood. Some theories include viral infection, psychological stress, or a combination of factors. Because no single cause has been identified, and because many other illnesses produce similar symptoms, CFS can be difficult to diagnose. There are no tests for CFS, so your doctor will have to rule out other causes for your fatigue.

My goal of running is to clear and focus my mind, to get rid of negative energy and charge myself with positive energy, I spent my time on the track encouraging people to run more, and when they encourage me back, i can do more, it just feels ecstatic. any thing else, like losing weight or getting fit is just an side effect, I just want to clear my mind!

Cya,
Ziad,

Hi Anita,

Wow, i just have to express my Wow, how is it through a civilized discussion, we can understand each other, we can both just calmly woke towards each other, and finally stand on a common ground, where we see, feel, hear, and understand each other more clearly. You saying above that you were insane, and that you path to healing is through sanity, but how could you, if you did not realize you are insane, you embrace you insanity, you asking your self these three questions, what am doing? how am I doing it? and why am doing it? these three simple questions what, how, and why! This is what i call embracing your insanity in order to stay insane. but if one did not, where he would have been now?

SO now you are asking, why are we sane people living in this insane world, simply cause we did not share our insanity, we did not share our journey from insanity to sanity, we did not express our insanity, we did not share the experience of over coming it, and we just shared the sanity we are living in now, and where is the lesson here, you are like telling a kid that you have to walk, in a world where no one is walking, and every one is using a wheel chair, he had never seen one person walking!?

you do not celebrate your insanity, you celebrate your sanity through expressing your insanity, let me try to explain through this example, when you are mostly happy for having a high grade in an exam, you celebrate it when it is the first time, when you used to get bad grades in it, and if you are just used to get the same high grade each month, it will be meaningless to celebrate a high grade if you get the same grade each month, it will be just as normal as you get used of having bad grades. you celebrate the new accomplishments not the one you are already doing, and you celebrate keeping that accomplishment for long, and not celebrate the same accomplishment each time you have it done!?

I do not pride myself for being out of the ordinary, i pride my self for the feeds i get back when am being out of the ordinary, let me tell you this situation that i have just experienced yesterday, the club am a member in, have just experience on of the greatest improvement eras in its 70 years life long, 20 years ago, this club had only 10% or less of its land with construction, no play grounds, no stadiums, nothing, the reaming 90% of it was like the savanna, and literally there were more than 300 sheep hearing there, then came this man, and when he laid the whole plan for the club, and every body saw it huge billboard showing all the construction that are existing now, they just said he is a crazy man, they called him insane, they called the head of chair-board they elected mad. couple of months ago, i was just wondering how could we preserve that great improvements, that great accomplishment, it is just on the peak, and if we do not realize it, we will start deteriorating, I was wondering, what do we need, do we need change? and i just had this idea in my mind, what is this man just walk through the club like a normal man and listen to others, the ideas of the club members, only if he can do the effort. and just yesterday it happened, i was in the library reading, for the second time in my life in entered this library, and i saw him coming in, surrounded with the members of the club managements, i went for him with this mad comment, with the most insane thing my mind came up with, and for sure i hesitated, but i asked my self, for what cause it is, when i realized it was for good, i just went to him, shacked his hand an literally told him this, “you proved me wrong, I thought you were not walking through the club, you just proved me wrong”.

and when i was just attempting to walk away, he called for me after walking a couple of steps, saying i want you to tell me what are your suggestion for improving the library, I just felt overwhelmed, but i summed my courage to go back, and stood among them, and i really had no good idea, it was just my second time, and my only good idea was to buy newer round shaped carpet, and make it complete so walking would not be mush noisy. and just before he left, he held my hand, and he whispered bis privet mobile phone number in ears, the number that the club management does not have, and he asked him to call him if i have any suggestion.

what happened next was not that exiting or unexpected any more, people were asking what did i tell him, to grab his attention just by saying these words that took less than half a minute, they asked for my phone number, they asked for me to visits them in their offices, they asked me write my suggestion and present it to them formally, and all of that was the outcome of an mad, insane, but true and deep moment!

you cannot imagine how you put me at ease when you explained, sanity as light and insanity as dark, we talked about light and dark before, and i just had to mention this to you some day, some thing i missed that is truly crucial for life, that without darkness there would not have been light, and vise versa, both are bliss, and both can be abused, misused, we need light so we can work and live, we need dark so we can sleep and rest, we need both, but only us can have the balance between, can reach that point of equilibrium!

My dear, no one needs insanity, no one wants insanity, insanity is within us, and we are only sane when we can express our insanity, we can only keep our sanity if we can define our insanity, understand it, and trough it we become the most sane, even if others tell us we are sane, we can only show them were we came from, how far had our journey been, then they will see it no more as insanity, they will see it as an reachable goal!

Cya,
Ziad

Dear Anita,

Am really sorry if i caused any trouble or inconvenience, I have to tell you that I saw your first post more than six hours ago, and I just decided that I will not reply, so thanks to god you deleted it and re-posted!

It is my dear, it is, the realm of insanity, that’s how everybody is calling it, that’s what everybody looks to me is saying, a wise man once said, people would love you and hate the truth about you, this my truth and I chose to live with it truly, madly and deeply.

Am not criticizing you here, you are the only person who could stand my thoughts for that long, that much of insane thoughts of mine.

Thank you for that great immersible help that you gave me the past days, you do not know how much i appreciate it, I hope that I had been the same to you, I will not cause you any more inconvenience, but i have this last wish, to keep these posts of mine and yours as is, may be someday someone will read it and get benefit out of it.

Bye,
Ziad,

Dear Anita,

you only worry about some one that you care for, i do not see your worries, i see your care.

it is amazing how you combined that since of physics and dynamics both at the same time, i used to love both subjects during high school, and still, that law of physics you mentioned is newton first law of motion, i just looked it out: Newton’s First Law of Motion states that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it, and a body in motion at a constant velocity will remain in motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an outside force.
the second law of motion; The Second Law of Motion states that if an unbalanced force acts on a body, that body will experience acceleration ( or deceleration), that is, a change of speed. i guess what i experiencing is an unbalanced force!
in dynamics friction is; When surfaces in contact move relative to each other, the friction between the two surfaces converts kinetic energy into thermal energy (that is, it converts work to heat). This property can have dramatic consequences, as illustrated by the use of friction created by rubbing pieces of wood together to start a fire. Kinetic energy is converted to thermal energy whenever motion with friction occurs, for example when a viscous fluid is stirred. Another important consequence of many types of friction can be wear, which may lead to performance degradation and/or damage to components. Friction is a component of the science of tribology.
but i have to mention that this since is based on solid bodies that that does not tend to change formation, the human body is different though, it can react to outside forces, it can reanimate forces, conceptual boundaries, that no law can intimidate, i tend to live by laws, not in laws, laws are a way of living, not a mean of living, you can break laws, only when you understand them, but you cannot, when you let them control you, and accept each and every defined aspect as a fact, laws are just the understanding of people and not the divine laws that govern us!

You put it in so graceful here, just before you sleep you think of what you did that day, was it worthy, or was it a waste of time, were you up to it, or were you under its control, what have you contributed, and what could you have but contributed more, the inescapable force of of self appreciation/depreciation. I feel it every day, every single moment, so i guess I will keep writing, every single day 🙂

I just had this discussion with that girl i sent my message to on Facebook, i shared with her my suffering with bipolar disorder, i made one more person know what is bipolar disorder, she did not understand, i tried to explain to her, she suggested the that i go to her psychiatrist, she told me he helped her a lot, by i do not know why till no that no man will understand me as a women does, may be because am very in touch with my feminine side, after all the male chromosome is XY, and the female is XX, the main is X, the sub is Y;In humans, a single gene (SRY) present on the Y chromosome acts as a signal to set the developmental pathway towards maleness. Presence of this gene starts off the process of virilization. This and other factors result in the sex differences in humans.[1] The cells in females, with two X chromosomes, undergo X-inactivation, in which one of the two X chromosomes is inactivated. The inactivated X chromosome remains within a cell as a Barr body. somehow most me do not understand that, that both men and women comes from the same origin, and we should meet at that origin, not at the sub-origin.

am listening to The Rolling Stones – (I Can’t Get No); nice song, very meaningful.

Till next time, Ziad,

Dear Anita,

You Just made me have the first laugh in my day, i was still in bed, your care for me, you worrying about me, being too excited, but i can tell how much excited I am, I spent yesterday working out fro three hours, I ran for 5.12 miles while my target was only 4 miles, I worked an extra one hour doing stretches, squats, push-ups, and many other exercises I do not know no the name of, but i do know the effect of, and meditated for 5 min, how was i able to that, when I exercised the day before day and night, I ran the day before 3 miles in the morning, and played football, and basketball for 2 hours in the morning. Yesterday morning I told my self you do not have to work out this morning, you can just rest for today, and if you feel energetic you can exerciser in the night, and then i opened Facebook, and i saw the picture of the women, a handicapped women on a wheel chair, with one of the most real smiles on her face i have ever seen, it was not one of the posts that some one would share because he was feeling pity, she was a real women with a real name, and we had common friends between us, and i could not resist of sending her this message, (hi Rania, My name is Ziad Saad Eldin, and I came across a photo of yours on Facebook, my be just because we have friends in common, and for them I feel the gratitude to have seen your smile, it is such a power giving smile, I would like to meet you someday so we can share stories, your smile just empowered me to continue my life the way I see it, to stop doubting my self, you are such an amazing person, I hope all the best for you. Please forgive me for being blunt here, I just could not resist the good temptation. Ziad,)
and i just went for that run, i was limping after the first 2 miles, but i told my self, you still have one good leg, you better limp running than limp walking, and only by making my self vulnerable to myself and that other boy who was running the track, telling him aren’t you gonna run any more and asking him to join me, i could not have ran that extra 1.12 miles, i could not have worked-out that extra hour which was actually harder than running!
i have started running 2 weeks ago, and i had only one day of rest, but i would not rest any more, actually i have decided to work out day and night, running days by myself and working out nights with my friends, In the Gym, playing football or basket ball, and by the way am a good goalkeeper and a decent midfielder 🙂
what made me laugh is i could not have imagined myself and the anger within me without all that working out, I run to release anger, and focus my mind, any thing else i consider a side effect!

i really appreciate your care, but do not worry, it is just like running, as i told my adviser before when she was worried about me, when she considered i was having a manic episode, and my reply to her was very simple, it might be a manic episode, and i can just use it to get benefits out of, and try not to do something I will regret, you see i have experience with manic episodes. when you are running, and you feel your leg hurting, lactating, you stop to do some stretches and continue running after your leg is feeling better, when you feel you cannot catch you breath you slow down, when you feel you need a rest you do it, you do rest, but you have to start again, stand up again, and walk again, and run again, better than before. i have ran more than 41 miles since i have started, i can not believe it too, but that is what the app is saying, the Nike runner app.

I was not speaking about a book, i was speaking about an article, :), may be a three pages article, but i have never thought of writing a book before, but you make it so reasonable, the amount of writing i have did the last month, can make more than one book!

Cya, Ziad,

Hi Anita,

I will just change the subject her, because just what i experienced something derivative but the outcome is just amazing, at least for me. I just witnessed the Imam (the man who lead the people in prayer) of the mosque downstairs from home, bending this boys hand to his back to the extent the touched, he was in pain, and he was just laughing, and this other old man beating him on the back of his head, and these other 2 boys watching and laughing, I just could not bare it as usual and i intervened, i talked to him about the concept of hitting kids, my dads beating me and he admitted that he was wrong and that is why am like that! this just make me laugh when i thought about it latter.
When he could not argue any more about it, about hitting kids, he talked about hitting women, and that Prophet Mohamed said not to hit women hard, which means there is beating in Islam, i had no reply for that, and I just flipped when that kid was saying, yes bating is good, and i had to leave, i knew that there was no hope there, there was no that ounce of good.
i went up home and researched about it, and found this amazing story about Prophet Mohamed teachings regarding beating women, first i have to say that Prophet Mohamed never beat any of his wives, any servant, or even anything, animal or inanimate only did in war or when he saw someone was crossing the God limits, like crossing the laws, only for punishment which is driven from the crime it self, like if you kill someone you get killed.
so the issue of hitting women, was an still a huge global issue, so men at his time were hitting there women severely, and then prophet Mohamed told all the men to stop beating their women, just like that no beating, then one of closest friends of Prophet Mohamed came to him and told him that women were outrageously treating men when you forbidden the beating of women, so Prophet Mohamed gave them the permission to hit women but with rules, very strict rules that women are only beaten when you are scared of them doing something outrageous, if they are doing something that their men cannot live with, and first you speak with them, and then you do not make love to them, but still sleep with them in the them bed, and then beat them, and if they objected just you just let them be, leave them alone, divorce her! this is a verses from Quran,and there is no any clear message hear for beating, but men just would not see it, they were just used to it! so how can some one accept a beating if it is just does not mean beating here it means leaving them, leaving them for a while, leave home, if they objected you divorce them. but anyway the community was just stronger here, and am sure you know how much the communities opinion is very strong, but then when seventy women came and complained to prophet Mohamed he just said this amazing thing, and i just have to write it in Arabic, “ولا تجدون أولاءكم خياركم” meaning that you will not find any good in these men who beat their women. you will only find bad people who hits their women. and it is a very clear message, no good in beating, even if you believe that this verses in Quran means beating. and more prophet Mohamed when he saw that people are still beating their women, people with no good in them, he said that you do not hit women hard, or shameful, you do not brake a bone or make them bleed, he was just that compassionate man.
Then I learned that we are condemned when the men who are leading us in prayer are not good men, that is why I laugh when i remember that ” I just can not call him Imam” told me this is your opinion because you were beaten hard! we are just condemned! our end as Muslims will be by the hands of the ones teaching us Islam.
that is simply the world am living in here, but when i realized that i just could not be thankful to God that i was shown that incidence i would not have been introduced to that knowledge, you will not find good in people who beats each other, you will one find dad people , evil people who beats others for the heck of it! and i prayed and i cried for God to empower me to keep on going, i prayed for the first time not of fear or wanting something from God, or for believing i should thank God for a job, or some money, i just prayed for him for the knowledge he gave me, and that next time that when i see this man “so called Imam” i can easily tell him that there is no good in your heart!

Cya, Ziad,

Dear Anita,

You got it right, but i conciser this as just a step, it is just my first name! Yes there is much freedom, not feeling shame, and there is more freedom when you feel that you do not have to cover-up any more, not having any thing to lose, by making my self known, you do not feel the tie of cover-up, the fear of being know, and i just cannot be afraid any more.

I loved children very much, and they feel my love and love me back, i just can be a friend with any child of any age in just 20 min, you just give him his freedom, when he wants to come to you, you let him and when he wants to go away you let him, and you notice and acknowledge them, you do not suffocate them, I have this friend whose sun plays a game with his sister where he acts he is me, I just wish he would not be me!

I sometimes wonder why children would love a person like me, so damaged inside, may be they feel it, may be they see the strength of someone and how much he had suffered, specially toddlers, there eye expressions are wonderful, their eye messages are very meaningful.
I can say i have some knowledge in reading other persons from their eyes, your eye can never lie, when you are happy it shows, when you are sad it shows, when you are lying it shows. I have read about it a lot too!

I just could not comment on your third paragraph, this is too much for me!

I know how much the effort needed, to change someone, only one thing about someone, but it is doable, I guess you just have to differentiate between the ones who are totally blind, and do not waste your effort with them, and the ones who are struggling and need some one to show them the path to light, it is to bright for them to step out, and need someone to hold their hands when they have to close their eyes. and i know someone who just did this with me, who showed me the light, who held my hand when i just closed my eyes because it was hurting in the light, it was not easy for her, it was not easy on me, but we got it some how, her name is Anita! 🙂

I will keep posting on this thread, I wish i just someday could do more than this, to write my story with my full name on it, and with my best picture above it. with out those who i read their story on hear, and seen through their eyes and knowing their names cave me an endless amount of hope. I wish i could share my story someday, there are much to learn from, I did, learn to be that compassionate person who every body cherish regardless of his failures, who every body just wishes to help, regardless of he is being disappointing.

I really sometimes wonder why people would love to share there time with someone like me, but i guess they see in me something that i couldn’t have ever seen, even in the mirror. enjoy this encouraged an yet discouraged post 🙂

And by they way, I will just keep signing in with my alias, and signing my real name at the end, something like a reminder for my self, how i did accomplish it. it might someday encourage some one to step into the light.

one last question and I will leave you alone, did you watch Brené Brown ted talks, this women is just amazing! I will keep on following her work.

Love, Ziad,