Hello Anita!

I must give you a little background so you can understand what she means…

We met each other when we were only 19 years old and none of us had been in a serious relationship before. During those years we had to deal with the common issues of maturing as individuals and also as a couple, what lead to a lot of conflicts and ultimately created an environment where trust become an issue and a vicious cycle took place, where her insecurities pushed me away and this distance fed her insecurities even more.

Not sure if you have ever heard about the attachment theory, but according to it I would be an avoidant individual and she would be an anxious individual, what explains this vicious cycle that I have mentioned.

Almost ten years later and having gone through different experiences in life, we both have matured a lot and the feeling that THIS TIME things could pretty much work out was revived after these 3 days of close contact, although we are very insecure about it, since we have already tried it more than once.

She doesn’t believe that I am ready to be in a serious relationship yet as she sees myself as someone who still wants to focus on my career, explore the world and live different experiences before ‘’slowing down’’ to have kids and take care of the family. (She didnt mention exactly what, its just something that she ”feels”)

What do I think about it? I am really not sure about it. Sometimes I feel like this is true and others I think that there is nothing I could not do or accomplish while in a relationship with her, as I have pretty much stated that I love her. The fact is, I am really not opened to a new relationship right now, but I would go back to her if she gave me the opportunity. Its like… I don’t really want to get in a relationship right now but I would if this is my last chance with her. It  may be the fear of missing the opportunity, I suppose.

It leads me to what I think is the core issue regarding this situation: I am not taking the responsibility for my own life, my own future. I am waiting for her to decide it for me. If she gave the opportunity I would go back to her, but I cant decide it by myself. While I thought there was no chance anymore, specially after I got to know about her new relationship, I was fine, following my path. But now I have this monster to fight against and I know that it would be a huge mistake to take any action while I am not sure about what the hell I want for me.

Tomorrow I’m going to start therapy, what hopefully will help me to lead with these issues and to look deeper inside, where I know I will find these answers. Meanwhile I will keep meditating and writing here as I love it. Thank you one more time!

Hi Bhuvana! As you can see I was looking for help too and I`m no expert, but I would like to say that I can imagine what you’re going through, and I’m sure you will heal soon. I also would like to say that sometimes we can go through these hard times by ourselves or with the help of our friends, both off and online (just like Anita did helping me out), but sometimes we must look for professional help, specially when talking about depression. You have mentioned that you have had depression before and I’m not sure if you were diagnosed with it by a doctor, but please don’t hesitate to look for one’s help. It’s important to treat depression with medication while you work on the other areas until you feel strong enough.

That said, it seems like you are looking for happiness outside and feeling miserable because of the comparison with your ex (”At the same time, R, moved on. He’s happier with his present girlfriend”), just like I did – but hey, if our exes found their way through it, we are going to find ours too! They also deserve to be happy, and make no mistake, they have their own demons to fight against too.

I’m sure Anita and other people will help you with it and I will be there reading it and learning from it too, while also supporting you. You will be fine!

Hi Anita!

I must agree that this desire to be number one, or recognized as someone who is very good at something, is an issue. Actually, this is what lead me to start developing my spirituality a couple of years ago, when I discoreved buddhism and this website. Since then I have changed my attitude a lot and I feel much better nowdays. I don’t really think that I must be the best at anything to not be rejected, I know that my family and my friends love me by who I am and I dont need any more gold medals to deserve this love. That said, I still try to do my best, what sometimes put me in a prominent position, but that’s because I love what I do and it doesnt hurt me or anybody else. I think I have made a good job changing my intention and not letting the desire of being number be, as an end in itself, the source of my intentions or motivation. It seems, though, that I still have some work to do regarding it in the context of my past relationship. I will reflect about this thing of a ”number one woman”, it makes a lot of sense!

But also here is something that Ive questioned myself yesterday and I would love to know what you think:  Am I being a bit too harsh on myself regarding this break up?

See…

I was told my ex is in a new relationship, got curious about it and and felt a bit sad since it made me remember some things (both good and bad) about our relationship. I tried to explore my feelings with curiosity and did nothing about it besides watch them come and go… Life went on and a couple of days later this is not really bothering me. Sure, I felt a bit down when I saw that the guy and that she has moved on, but is it that bad? Is it that bad that sometimes I think about her and miss the good times? We were together for almost ten years… I’ve become and adult with her by my side and we went through a lot together. She will always be part of my history, maybe its not big deal that sometimes after only 4 months of our definitive break up I still fell like this. I’m sure these feelings will soften over time… maybe I just need to be a little more gentle to myself, something that I don’t usually do regarding this subject. What do you think?

Thank you again!!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Vicente.

Hello!

She’s not a “high achiever”… funny thing is that this question is not that easy for me to answer, although I can certainly list  many qualities of her, such as being intelligent, hard worker, funny and loyal. She’s also really good looking and has a beautiful profession (doctor). What I miss the most though, is the way she treated me (during the good times obviously) and our intimacy. I’m not sure if our chemistry was something natural that I will maybe someday experience with someone else for no specific reason or if it was a consequence of so many years together, which I will only find again when I spend enough time with someone else, or even both things. I feel like we had it “all” except for the fact that we obviously could not share our lives anymore because our core values were different, I guess…

I’m 28 and I’ve met when I was 19. This was the only serious relationship that I have ever had, she’s the only one to whom I have really opened my heart, shared my difficulties and all. Maybe this lack of experience with serious relationship is playing a role?

I love how your questions make me think. Thanks Anita

Hello Anita!

I can’t really figure out what happened during my childhood which lead me to believe that I must achieve anything to give me this value that I otherwise don’t have, but it really looks like that this is what keeps generating all this, like you have just pointed out.

I’ve been watching my feelings and my thoughts with a lot of curiosity and not really making any move out of it (besides asking for help here), which I think is good, since it could be disastrous if I had tried to get in touch with her after I found out that she’s in a new relationship, and I will keep doing so until I find a way out of it.

As I said I’m trying to focus my efforts on helping people around me and trying to make this the biggest purpose behind all my actions. All these achievments have put me in a position which a lot of people look at me as someone who motivates them and it feels great to help these people to believe in themselves to also achieve whatever they want. I feel really good doing so and I guess this might be much more fulfilling than any gold medal… Certainly it is much better than spend my energy comparing myself to my ex’s new boyfriend or whoever else.

Also, this obsession with her turns it impossible for me to really open my heart for a new relationship because nobody will ever be good enough while I keep her on this pedestal that I have put her.

Not an easy think for me to do, but I’m trying to work on it…

Thank you so much once again, I love your replies 🙂

Charlena, everything that you wrote was so spot on! I could not have described it any better!

Thank you for such a deep response, I will surely read it again a lot of times.

1. “Its easy once you’re out of the relationship to forget what things were really like at the time. You say the two of you tried for 8 years – it shouldn’t be like that in a relationship – it shouldn’t be constantly trying to make it work. Yes – both people need to constantly work at a relationship – but not try. There’s a difference. (I too – tried the whole 6 yrs of mine). Our brains and minds are designed to forget bad things – be it how a person really treated us/things that happened to us (anytime in our life)/ right up to trauma – it’s the bodies survival mechanism.”

You are absolutely right, all this “attempts” are so tireful. I have already met other girls after my break up and felt like “oh, this is so… LIGHT, so EASY” since things worked out pretty much by themselves, just like you said – but of course I was not ready to get into another relationship yet. Also, I usually ignore all the bad things that happened, but I sure can remember it!

2. (…)  BUT – I will say this – if you guys are still in contact – that is making things really hard for you. It’s almost like you’re starting your break up from scratch each time you guys meet and become close and speak fondly of each other.”

This is exactly how I feel each time. No wonder why I can’t let it go after one year when I met her 2 days before the one year mark. Again, you are absolutely right.

3. “My only harsh words to you would be if you’re serious about wanting to heal and get over her – you need to cut her away. And that will be most terrifying for you – I GET THIS!! Your other option is to continue doing the dance you’re both doing until one of you meet someone else – and I think it will be her. You’ve said yourself she feels rejected by you – she will be validated in that when another guy comes along and I believe she’ll drop contact with you pretty quick – and you’ll be left to start the grieving process all over again. And don’t feel there’s something wrong because you can’t handle being rejected by her – of course she’s the one that does that to you – she was your girl for 8yrs! But she’s not anymore. And that might rip your heart out.”

I am absolutely sure this is whats going to happen If I dont get serious about leting it go and stop meeting her. Again, spot on.

4. “I think if you sat down and thought about and really concentrated on how you felt with her  in your years together – the raw stuff I mean – not the “it was nice to come home to her/nice to sit and watch tv with her/nice to have her to cuddle in bed” stuff – I’m talking the fights you would have – the SAME fights – her jealously and what that did to you – her insecurities – the pushing you back and not supporting you – THAT is what you have to remember about her and the relationship – and if you went back into a relationship with her – ALL of that would be right there too – I PROMISE YOU!

You sound like a really amazing guy – and she sounds amazing herself – but maybe she is just not the person you were meant to end up with? And that’s actually an exciting thing – it means theres a girl out there that would be perfect for you. One where you don’t have to try and make it work – it just works. A girl that supports and drives you. One that is so secure in herself there’s no jealously or insecurity in your relationship? What if that’s out there – and you’re missing it by holding on to your ex?”

This is the most important of all. I have came to a great conclusion yesterday before reading your post, and again you are absolutely right. Let me explain what I think that is going on: we both are great persons, with a ton of qualities , which we recognize in each other, and we share the same core values (such as family, hard work, honesty and others), something we found to be very hard to find out there and that really connects us. BUT, we have such different personalities that we cannot live together. It seems that our personalities block each other. While we are alone among our friends and family we act so different than we do when we are together among these same people – I just cant be myself because I’m afraid of her judgment, and she feels so low because my presence seems to smash hers (thats how she feels).

The great why I believe she is having a much easier time leting it go is because its not such a big deal for her to accept the fact that while we are two great persons, we simple dont match. She admires me, she wishes me the best and wants to find someone else with the same qualities and values, but with a different personality, one that matches her, to be with.

Myself, on the other hand, have a very hard time accepting it (or was having as it got MUCH easier since I have came up with this conclusion, read your post and am answering it right now). I think it has a lot to do with my personality – I am the “high achiever” kinf of guy. I’m always working so hard (too much I guess) to get the first place at something. I am very succesfull at my job, also as an athlete and at the academic level. This is something that is draining my energy and I have been meditating about it a lot lately. I believe that I see all these accomplishments as something that validates me. While I look like that unbeatable and super confident guy, deep inside I am an insecure person who needs this external validation that comes from all these “gold medals”. I am trying to let this aspect of my personality go as well as I KNOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I am afraid that I see getting my ex back like something that I must accomplish at any cost, what is absolutely crazy as she is not a trophy that I can get or a competiton that I cant lose. She is and amazing person who deserves to be happy, as much as I do. After thinking about it all it got much easier for me to simple accept that our divorce is not a defeat by any means, it is a result of a lack of compatibility, and leting it go is what we need to do in order to find someone else who actually matches us instead of “trying” so hard to adjust ourselves to each other.

5. “I’ll finish up now – cos I’ve really added my 2 cents to this – but my advice: End it. For good. Wish her all the best and say goodbye. No more catch ups, no more being intimate, no more reigniting the teeny tiny flame that may or may not be still there. And then give yourself more time to heal. Even if it takes another year. You will get there – I promise promise promise!!!

You’re a smart guy – you know you’re looking in the wrong place for happiness. You’re switched on and you know what’s really going on. Give yourself a chance to heal from this. You didn’t make a mistake in breaking up with her – you did what needed to be done. Don’t forget why you did it. Annnnnnd if you’re meant to be with this girl – it’ll happen – she’ll come back into your life when its meant to happen and she won’t be rejecting you. It’ll be easy and will just work.”

Seriously, I cant thank you enough for all your kind words and amazing advice. I believe that you are ABSOLUTELY right and hearing from such a great person that I will get there and will heal is so conforting. I wish you only the best! If you have anything else to add to this subject after reading my long response, it would be great to hear from you.

THANK YOU!

Hi Anita! Thanks again for your attention…

First: “My question is: why did you break up with her, that is, why were you unhappy and miserable in the relationship?”

At that time we were living together but not connected anymore. I felt like she was not supportive and was pushing me backwards, she was so insecure and because of that very jealous. So I kept focused on my objetives at that time and did not give much attention to her anymore, what left her feeling so alone. She was not happy too, and aware that things were absolutely not right, but still thought we could make it trhough. I think lack of communication took a great role at this point, since we stopped talking to each other about any issue to avoid argueing. At the end of the day we were two strangers living under the same roof.

Today, though, she became a much different and more confident person, and I recognize that the break up was VERY important for her as she could discover herself as a person, while I have been the main character during all those years. She turned into an even more amazing person. When we are together things are great, we have so much intimacy and I think this could easily turn into a serious relationship again – while she fears turning back to the insecure and jealous person she was (her words) and end up being left again, while I am begging for one more chance.

While I was a very driven person while with her, today I absolutely lost focus of everything else in my life and cannot let it go and move on from this situation. I know she is happier now, what makes me feel good for her, but also makes me feel very low for not being able to do the same. I feel stupid begging for her attention and love. There a lot of people showing me kindness and love but I cant really receive it or give it back to anyone as she is the only person I seem to care about right now.

Anita, thank you so much for taking some time to answer me 🙂

I was VERY confused when I wrote that and things are much clear now.

I actually called her and we met yesterday. We had a great conversation about our relationship, past and present, she was so kind and honest to me.

First of all, she had already told me a lot of times why she does not want to get back to our relationship. There was no need for another “closure”, but I was (and still am) having a very hard time accepting it.

I was the one who broke up, I was feeling unhappy and miserable,, and it shocked her SO MUCH at that time. She was devastate during the first weeks/months. After some time, though, she was able to move on and she is really a new woman now, while I wasnt able to do the same.

She still loves me and admires me so much (she said it to me and I know/feel this is true) but she does not believe in our relationship anymore, since we have tried for 8 years already. There is no reason for her to believe that THIS TIME things will be ok.  This is something hard for me to accept, maybe she is right and we simple cannot make it together anymore, while still loving each other, but I guess I’m very “romantic” regarding this topic and I do believe that we coud make it happen. We talked about it too, but it is much harder for her to believe in our relationship because she was the one who was “rejected” initially and she fears that I can do it again in the future (her words).

The fact is, I know I’m looking for hapiness at the wrong place. Because I’m feeling rejected and unconfident, getting her back seens to be all I need to be happy, while I know this is an ilussion. I feel desperate for her validation. I am a very succesfull guy at my profession and as an athlete, people around me believe that I am unbeatable and super confident, I have a lot of admiration from my students, my family and my friends and even from a good ammount of woman, but I still feel like a failure just because SHE is rejecting me. What, actually, is absolutely not personal – she is rejecting a relationship with me, not myself as a person, but I still cant stop begging for it.

I need help to get out of this mindset, I need to get rid of this confusion, and I know that I may need to hear some hard words about my attitude. I’ve been trying to meditate and the buddhist readings have already helped me A LOT, as reading these foruns are.

Thanks!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Vicente.