Peggy,

Thank you for your response. You are correct. The man she now lives with told me, “She was afraid if she told you she planned to leave, you would try to stop her.” and she was right. I would have tried. I will admit that. Seeing her so happy now, I’m glad things turned out the way they did, but yes, at the time, not knowing him or what sort of life she was heading toward, I would most certainly have tried to talk her out of it. I think I still see her as a little girl. Perhaps she sees me more clearly than I see her?

Since she left she’s called me for help cooking, tips on how to save money at the grocery store, to get my advice on applying for jobs. In reading that sentence just now I think how fortunate I am that she values my guidance, but at the time I think it helped cement in my mind how unprepared she was to take on a life of her own. I’m laughing at myself as I sit here writing this wondering if maybe all along I’ve been thinking she needs me, when really it was I who needed her.

Oh my. :-0

Dear Anita,

I’m so happy you are enjoying the music. It sounds like you have the perfect weather for it.

Thank you for your response. I needed a different perspective. I have only been able to see my own perceived failure as a parent, thinking she would not have gone if I’d been a better mom, and that my family is forever altered. Broken.

Shortly after she left, I said to her, “Do you have any idea what it was like for me to get that text from you?” and she said, “No. I can’t imagine, but right now I have to do what’s right for me.” At the time it sounded so selfish, but in reexamining it through the lens you have offered me, perhaps her words show a gutsy determination to be independent.

I visited her a few weeks ago and she told me the one thing she wanted from my husband and I was for us to have faith in her. I told her I would try, but I think my actions have shown her just the opposite. Yesterday I sent her a text to say I was sorry. She hasn’t responded.

I’m trying to have faith that she will reach out when she’s ready, and in the meantime, refocus my energy on what I want the next chapter of my life to look like. I want to be done grieving. I want to be able to walk through the store and see a cute Halloween decoration and not tear up thinking, ‘she would have loved that.’ That happened yesterday. My husband said, “Why don’t you buy it just because YOU like it, even if she’s not here to share it with?” I thought, ‘now why didn’t I think of that?’ 🙂

Thank you again for your response.

Anita,

Thank you for your response. I see what you’re saying about the screen name, but I’ve decided to keep it as-is and instead add a picture to my profile for flair! 🙂   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?  I think I was just surprised someone else came up with the same name. One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to wake early, make coffee and sit in the living room listening to the Vespers Mass by Rachmaninoff while the sun rises. It is the only time of the day I am completely free without any other demands on my time or energy. In those moments I feel calm and powerful. And then my day begins and “poof” I return to being a pumpkin. 😉

Anita,

Just wanted to wish you a happy Tuesday and thank you again for your fellowship last week. I want to return to our conversation, but I’ve had a little life-hiccup this week that’s going to keep me away from the keyboard a bit more than usual. Just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts. 🙂

Dear Anita,

I find myself almost at a loss for words – and that’s weird for me – as I normally just trust what’s in my heart and say it, sometimes in really awkward ways like: What you said to me made my heart feel puffy Anita! LOL

Normally I would be afraid of wearing the label of “gentle soul”, as it has come to be known to me as a label of weakness when said by others, and yet you made it feel okay. Thank you! So often I hear it used in terms of ‘you need to change’ or ‘toughen up’ when in fact I consider myself actually a very strong person.

But yes, I do fear. I can tell you that I’ve developed a chronic sense of perfectionism because I fear criticism so much that I just don’t ever put myself in a position where I need to be reprimanded. Luckily this is something that, just in the past few years, I’ve started letting go of a bit, but for a while it was exhausting. I feel I’m now able to say, “Hey, I dropped the ball. Sorry.” And move on. Well, sometimes I move on. LOL

As for sharing the story of my mother, OMG yes, it is painful, and I’m not sure why it is so hard for me to tell the facts as they happened – after all I didn’t make them happen – these are HER actions. But I’ve always considered my mother a paragon of perfect motherhood. I patterned myself after her. I wanted to be just like her, and when she behaved out of character, I couldn’t assign the responsibility to her – much as I couldn’t with my father. I had to come up with a plausible reason why she did what she did – something out of her control.

Of course, in the back of my brain I know the truth, but if I don’t say it I can go on pretending it isn’t real.

And I go back and read what I just wrote and think, “these are the words of someone who is completely broken,” but I don’t feel broken. I smile every day. I have a great life. I do get down now and then, but when I do I always ask myself, “Who can I help? Instead of sitting here dwelling on my sorrows, there must be someone out there hurting more than me. Who can I help?” and I’ll text a friend to wish them a good day or take someone to lunch just to perk them up.

Just last night I called my mother to check in on her and she told me how much she loves talking to me. How can you not WANT to hear that? How can you not be moved by that and want to forgive her for everything she did and let go of the past? How can you not say, “I’ve done bad things for which I would like to be forgiven. I’d like to have the chance to outrun my past. Why shouldn’t she?”

So yes, in answer to your question, I completely agree with you that sharing can be painful, and I think, in just acknowledging that you’ve told me what I need to know about your past – at least for now. I think we understand each other. ☺

More in a bit. I have a few work things I have to get done. I hope you’re having a wonderful Friday!!!