Good Question! And I think there are various facets in the answer. I think that once you are happy with yourself, adding another person just adds another dimension. For example, sure, I have no problem going to the movies by myself and can thoroughly enjoy the time with just me and the silver screen. But going with friends can be awesome too and sharing that laughter at the same scenes. It can be fun to share experiences with people, be it friends or significant other or family.

There is also the point that once you are confident and understand your inherent self-worth, you may see that you have a lot of love to GIVE. And you can give from a place of selflessness and openness, rather than from fear/judgment/desperation/need/filling-a-hole/quota/etc. It is much more pure and beautiful, and more fulfilling to GIVE that kind of love. In my path to self-worth (a work in progress), I’ve noticed that as I’ve “progressed,” I still love the people in my life who have always been there, but now I also am going out of my way to tell them and show them that. I’m going out of my way to show them that I care about them in terms and ways that I know THEY will appreciate. For the simple reason that it’s nice to be able to give that to them. For example, I’m not a gift person. Never have been. Gifts are really important to my mom though, which never made sense to me. We’ve had some serious ups and downs over the years. But now, when I want her to know that I’m thinking of her and love her, I occasionally send her a little gift or a card. It usually brings her to tears and she’s super appreciative. The point is, that instead of looking to her to “correct” the past wrongs and to fill a void in my life, I’ve done that myself and can now give to her freely without strings or expectations. It’s made a huge difference.

Starting a romantic relationship from a healthy personal state like that can be a total game changer. And by that point, you’ll know that you are perfectly fine and happy without a relationship. So, you can take care to date someone who is a good fit for you and who can appreciate you. Rather than dating someone totally wrong for you because you need a way to fill a void.

Please get into therapy. And I don’t mean that as a bad thing (I’ve been in therapy numerous times). Your self-worth is so low right now, which is why you are so co-dependent and making poor decisions.

I know you love the guy, but I really can’t imagine any way of staying friends with him. I don’t see how you can remain “friends” with your lover when you want to remain in your marriage and the affair is clearly NOT over since you love him. If your husband doesn’t know about all this yet, it is only a matter of time. Your only hope of saving your marriage is to cut off all contact with the guy. Also, get into couples therapy (but I think individual therapy for YOU is the most important thing right now).

I’m sorry the guy doesn’t love you. I know that hurts. We all experience unrequited love and it sucks. But you need to look out for YOU right now. Continuing to spend time with him is just self-torture. Delete his phone numbers, his email addresses, defriend him on facebook, etc.

Hyo — Been there. It’s frustrating. What I learned in the past 10 years, however, is that I went to college for the wrong reasons. And unfortunately, I think most 18 year olds go for the wrong reasons. In my humble (and possibly incorrect) opinion, wrong reasons to go to college include: because your parents are making you go, because you’re expected to go (by you and others), because you define yourself by being the smart one and this is what smart ones do, because this path is the one that responsible people take to get jobs and get married and have 2.5 kids and be happy, etc.

The right reasons to go to college include: you aren’t sure what you want to do but you want to go to an academic setting to explore various internships and meet inspiring people to perhaps pique an interest for you to pursue LATER on, or because it might not help you get a job or a raise but it is a personal goal that you want to achieve, because you have figured out what you want to do and have actually tried it and loved it and college is a necessary step, etc.

Truth is, I’m not sure that I know any undergrad major that leads to employment — and I’m talking english, physics, biology, engineering, international relations, etc. Everyone had to start somewhere crappy and work up, or they went to grad school with a specific career in mind.

And I know you have loans coming out of your ears (me too!). And I agree that it is unfortunate that parents and schools have created this false impression of what college is and why you need it. But, I do have friends who didn’t go to college and now, in their 30s, they are pretty frustrated with their careers because they can’t break beyond a certain wage, while those with college degrees get promoted to positions they “aren’t qualified for”. Point being — the benefit of a degree is not immediate. It’s gradual. You probably won’t see it pay off in the next couple years (if you’re a recent-ish grad). Take some time. Figure out what you actually want for your career, do internships, volunteer with places, etc. Because liking the academics is VERY different than liking the job.

Liam,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had “passive” suicidal thoughts starting in middle school and lasted until upper 20s. Sometimes they got worse; sometimes they subsided. For a long time, I really believed that passive suicidal thoughts were totally normal. For me, things got worse before I got help (I was passively suicidal for about 15 years, and then actively suicidal for about 4 months… then I got on meds). These thoughts don’t just get better on their own. I thought they would eventually go away once I found a career I was happy in, once I found a city that I was happy in, once I improved my relationship with my family, etc. Nope. No matter how many cities I moved to trying to “find a place that I felt at home in,” it didn’t change. You need to be more proactive to get rid of the passive suicidal thoughts. So long as you are not actively suicidal though, I do truly believe it can be done without meds. And since you are asking for help here, you’re getting help way before I did which is good. So, some suggestions:

1) I know you’ll hate this suggestion, and you can ignore it, but find a therapist. It sounds like you went to one you didn’t click with. I’ve been there — and YES, a bad one makes it worse. (I’ve had several that I didn’t go back to after one session). BUT, there are LOTS of other therapists, with tons of different styles and personalities. You’ll probably need to meet with several to find one you like. But, once you find one you click with, it will be a big help. Also, the first session is always a little annoying because you are just getting the therapist caught up on what is going on with you.

2) I’m a fan of the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. It is THE book on cognitive therapy, which is designed to change your thought processes quickly, rather than rehashing childhood stuff. It’s a long book, but not difficult. It is essential to actually do the 3-column exercises, not just think about it. If you are adamantly against finding a therapist, at least try this book. My therapist recommended it to me, and I was so doubtful about some crap self-help book, that I checked it out at the library because I didn’t want to waste money buying it 🙂 I ended up buying it anyway because it’s pretty darn good.

3) Meditation has been really important to me. If you don’t know how to meditate (and even if you do), I think the books or lessons by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron are great. Meditation teaches you who you are, by observing your thoughts, observing your mind, and creates an appreciation for the person you are in this world. I prefer silent meditation, but a lot of people like guided meditation (loving-kindness meditations like Matt suggested are a good place to start.)

Things really can get better. But you do need to be proactive in changing your thought patterns and your view of the world and your relationship with yourself. Right now, they are all skewed. Good luck!

Being around large groups of people is exhausting for me. Sometimes it can be very fun, but it’s always tiring. So, I get that. I’m less exhausted one-on-one. But even then, I need a lot of time to myself. I’m not the kind of person who can be around people all the time. Do you have a job that requires you to be around people? If so, by the time you get off work, you might just be too tired to want to maintain friendships. If you simply don’t have any desire to have people in your life, then you don’t NEED them. You can definitely go off grid. Just keep in mind that your needs might change and fluctuate in life. You might be in a phase where you are exhausted around people and don’t want or need them. In a few years, you might desire the company of others. So, if it changes, be open to it. If it doesn’t and you’re content, more power to you 🙂

You are right that once the damage is done, pain is there. But there is a difference between someone causing you pain and someone abusing the power to cause you pain. And we all experience both. I have plenty of friends who have caused me pain but I keep them around because they haven’t abused it. I also have had my share of friends that I have had to walk away from. I’ve also had to walk away from relationships that were very painful because the other person abused that power. After all, MOST friendships or relationships don’t last a lifetime. Some fade away, some end in fireworks. And that’s okay.

But do I think it was a mistake to give that power over to each of those people who hurt me? Not really, even when it causes pain. Because, like I said, pain and vulnerability also create more beautiful emotions like empathy and compassion. Heartbreak is a near-guarantee for this life. But those painful experiences (which I may still be working through) also let me be there for my friend when her relationship is on the rocks. Or for my (future) kid when he gets dumped for the first time.

So, it’s okay if you give that power to the wrong person once in a while. You just need to maintain enough self-worth to know when to take it back.

I also liked your point about when someone calls you an ass, and well, you just might be. lol. It happens! I think this is where knowing yourself becomes important. When someone says something that I think is mean, but might be true, my first impulse is to get defensive (you might have a different reaction). I’m learning that when I start feeling defensive, I STOP. I breathe, and take a minute to think about it. If I think they might have a point, I tell them that. And this usually breaks the tension and opens up a much better conversation that just calling me an ass. 🙂 No one is perfect and you can learn to accept criticism as a way of improving yourself, without it damaging your self-worth.

There are some good guided meditations focused on compassion and self-kindness at http://www.self-compassion.org.

It sounds like there are a couple fundamental problems here that are all curled up together and that is going to make it difficult (but entirely possible!) to sort out.

You seem to get a LOT of criticism from the people in your life, which can mean several possibilities:
(1) You maybe grew up in a toxic household and you are drawn to toxic people because you are so comfortable with it. You said your father criticizes you all the time. Has he always done this? Does he also criticize your mother all the time? Does she just accept this? Is that what you grew up understanding was “normal”? If so, you are repeating your history. You might hate it, but you are comfortable with it, and don’t know how to break away from it. This will likely require therapy. Start with a cognitive therapist, which focuses on changing the thoughts that are bothering you NOW and then will work on the other family history stuff once your immediate depression and low self-worth eases up. If you can’t afford therapy, get a book by Dr. David Burns called Feeling Good. (I was VERY reluctant to get it, but it was surprisingly helpful).

(2) You may be defining your self-worth on how you THINK other people perceive you. If you are getting the impression that other people are dissatisfied with you, then you will be dissatisfied with yourself. Unfortunately, self-worth and self-love has start with YOU. Without self-love, you run into boundary issues (which another post above talks about so I won’t repeat). It is internal self-worth that allows you to calmly say “No, you cannot speak to me like that.” A website you might want to look at: http://www.self-compassion.org. I only recently discovered it, so I haven’t gone through all of it but it is promising so far.

(3) You might be selectively hearing only the bad things your husband says and not take notice of the good things. You seem to really value what people SAY. It sounds like your love language (from the book: the 5 love languages) is spoken words. If you have a solid and good marriage to a good man, he may not realize that his words have such a profound impact on you. Words might not have much impact on him; his love language could be acts of service. If so, you are misreading each other and misinterpreting each other. You need to get on the same page. The Five Love Languages is pretty good to read. It is really Christian-based, and I’m not Christian. But, it had some good info. Also, Feeling Good has a chapter on how to better communicate which would probably help you and your husband get on the same page. Better communication is a slow road though and it’s best if he’s willing to read both of these books (or the chapters) too. This may only work if you aren’t in an emotionally abusive or toxic relationship. But it will still be helpful for you to gain perspective.

If you want other books or websites to check out, let me know. Good luck!