Hi PJ,

Do you know if there are any support groups in your area for grief? Especially for those who have lost children? Even message boards dedicated to that can offer some level of support because the group members have been and are going through that too so they can all relate, although a group that meets physically would be best. That might help to give you the support that others who haven’t been through the situation can’t offer, because they just don’t know how it feels.

I do think it’s a good idea to stay for the kids at least until they get out of high school, and if you don’t want to divorce for the kids’ sake, I definitely think it’s a good idea to try to go to couples counseling even if it’s just to work through your issues with intimacy (all kinds of intimacy). It seems like, from what you said, you guys don’t even have a companionate relationship left  as you don’t even feel the intimacy from her on an emotional or friendship level, there’s a disconnect there. You don’t have passion either, so all you have left is the commitment part, and it’s really hard to sustain a healthy relationship on that alone… so talking to each other with a counselor to help mediate the discussion, as well as a counselor’s suggestions on ways you can improve and deepen your bond with each other and redevelop intimacy might really help, and if your wife also wants to improve your relationship and stay together, hopefully she would be on board with that, too.

Hi PJ,

I do know what you mean, you wanted to understand and you couldn’t because she wouldn’t open up, but we can’t force or expect people to open up when they either don’t want to or aren’t ready to, so in that case, it’s okay that you didn’t understand what she was going through, because you really couldn’t. SHE might not even be able to put into words what she’s going through. A lot of people can’t when they go through traumatic things, and that’s why they can’t or don’t want to talk about it. In those cases, it’s best to just let them heal however they need to while trying not to place expectations.

With that said, I definitely don’t think you’re wrong to want what you want and you seem like you definitely need more support when dealing with this type of grief. There’s nothing wrong with that either and it’s unfortunate that your wife is grieving in a different way (which is also not wrong). I did see you went to counseling but it didn’t help much?

I do think trying couples counseling as Anita suggested is a great idea, whether you stay together or not. Co-parenting when you are not married is very difficult, especially when step-parents come into the picture (which your wife will likely have issue with if you start dating right away), and working some of your issues out in couples counseling beforehand while trying to find the best way to separate would make for a much smoother process, I’d think. If you do decide to separate, I’d also think about getting your kids into counseling to help them with the adjustment. I know that would’ve helped me when my parents divorced as I ended up internalizing a lot of it, which ended up backfiring on me during my adult years.

I really think you should block all contact with him and literally never speak to him again. If he tries to come back into your life, do not let him, and if he ever forcefully tries to reenter your life, get a restraining order. This man sounds really dangerous.

As for the need for closure, that’s just something our minds THINK we need to move on, but we don’t actually need it and you can move on without it. Just look at his behavior so far. There really isn’t anything he can tell you that is going to make what he’s done feel better or even okay, and it will likely just make you feel worse… so I would write down, on a  list, everything he has done that has been abusive or unfair and that you do NOT want in a boyfriend and use that list as your closure. Read it every time you start feeling bad or feeling like you need to talk to him. Most of all, be patient with yourself and give yourself time to detach.  You may have had a rocky relationship, but you still have an attachment to this man, and it will take time for that to dissolve and that is normal. But in order for you to be able to let go and move on, you have to distance yourself.

Hi Kylee,

First, I think what you’re feeling is normal, and I think it’s something that will go away with time so you just have to be patient with yourself and by the sounds of things, it’s smart to distance yourself from this guy and keep him at a distance.

I often will just not respond to him because I cant tell if its going to go anywhere based on things prior. I try to be clear as possible stating like this is what I need in the relationship and he said ok but then he doesnt really put fourth action. Or he does “sometimes” and the action is usually so minimal. But then i feel so guilty for thinking that or “crazy” because maybe Im not understanding his perspective or thats what he thinks. He keeps saying we are together and then he wont see or talk to me.

You are doing the right thing by not responding to him. His actions aren’t lining up with his words, so he’s not a good person for you to have in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you realizing that and deciding to not respond, no matter what his perspective is.  Think of it as a healthy boundary. You want people to mean what they say and do what they say they’re going to do, right? So it makes sense that someone who does the opposite should not be allowed into your life.

 I saw an empty condemn box which triggered me so hard!! I got extremely upset and I said take me home this isnt going to work out. he simply said ok (he didnt know i saw the box) I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or messing around and he said no. I told him I didnt belive him but so badly I want to trust him and make this work. anyway then he said we werent together but wants to be but then last week he said we were together. So its just a lot of back an fourth and then I feel soooo bad and guilty for how i reacted and i feel like i just mess it all up.

Trust your instincts here. An empty condom box? You reacted exactly how you should in that instance. You aren’t the one messing this up. Do you feel like you deserve better than the treatment this guy is giving you?  This guy is showing you who he is. If you don’t like how he’s acting or how he treats you, it’s definitely time to let him go because his behavior isn’t changing, and I wouldn’t expect it to change for the foreseeable future (because he doesn’t see an issue with how he’s treating you so he’s not going to change it), no matter how badly you wish it would.

This all leads to such obsessing thoughts on my end and its so hard to proceed forward with or without this person. I constantly feel like there is something wrong with me or that I cant handle a relationship or whatever fills my thoughts. I am noticing a tendency in myself that I just keep allowing these situations to happen to me because I want something to work out so bad even when its obviously not working. I have already tried to let go but then they come back and im back at square one.

First thing to do is detach from this guy. His behavior is him and who he is as a person, not anything you’re doing or not doing. This isn’t you.  But you may want to take some time to try to dive into why you’re attracted to guys like this or why you’re allowing yourself to put up with this behavior and why you continue to go back to it when he keeps doing it. Once you figure that out and change whatever belief you have there, you will attract better guys and won’t settle for less than the treatment you know you deserve. Even if that means you have to be single for a long time.

I always try to fill my time with other things but I just cant stop thinking about the situation or what I could have done differently or what if I never spoke up maybe everything would be normal and fine. I just feel so upset and consumed and I wanna just block and delete him from everything and never look back but I also dont want to do that.

What is the longest length of time that you have blocked him/stopped talking to him for?  You’re on the right track with that but it takes time to detach from someone. It’s like an addiction…. you’re going to have cravings but you have to ignore them and work hard to not give in until you don’t have them anymore.

I feel like Ill never have a healthy nice relationship because I just obsess or overthink everything. I just want a peace of mind and to feel whole and happy and when a reltionship does re enter or whatever that i can just trust the process and not be so doubtful.

Overthinking is something you can work on and improve.  I’ve had to do this too because I used to be the same way. Spend some time reading about mindfulness, redirecting thoughts to the present, tools to fix thought errors. Read as much as you can on those things until you find some things that really click with you and help you to be able to change that behavior. It can absolutely be done. And you can get yourself to a point where you are happy and whole without a relationship and that’s exactly when you end up with a good guy because you won’t stand for anything less than that because you know you’ll be happy without a guy too.

Thank you, Anita! I appreciate that.

Dear Joe:

A lie is defined as an “an intentionally false statement.”  Intentionally is the important word here.

Did you remember that short exchange you had with your old friend when you said you hadn’t talked to him, intentionally leaving that out? If so, that was a lie.

If you had forgotten about that short exchange right in that moment she questioned you or didn’t think it classified as a conversation but would have told her if you’d thought of it or if you knew SHE considered it a conversation, then it wasn’t a lie.  Intention is what matters here.  If you weren’t purposefully trying to keep something from her, I don’t think it can be considered a lie… by definition.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Valora.

I think the thing that is most important for you to remember here is that she is showing you who she is right now and it’s important for you to see it. Try to detach from your feelings/emotions for her for a minute and look at the things she’s done, that Anita describes in the post above.  If you were not emotionally attached to her, are those things that you would put up with or would think were okay?

I know exactly how you feel when someone you care about thinks the opposite of how things really are as I’ve been in that position too, but I’ve also had to objectively look at the situation and realize that it was ME who wasn’t being treated fairly, just like she was not being fair to you.

If you can look at this behavior and decide it’s not something you are happy with and she does come back, try not to take her immediately back without question but first make sure that she is willing to work on changing this behavior so that it doesn’t happen again.

Well that explains her trust issues, but that is something she needs to work on for herself and to not take out on you. It’s very, very important that you are assertive with her if you do get back together so that she understands that you are not them and that treating you like you are not worthy of trust because they weren’t isn’t okay. You should not have to be punished for what other people have done to her, and her snooping and acting like you are untrustworthy is basically a punishment.  So be assertive with her on that… that’s something she needs to fix to have a healthy relationship with anyone, especially someone who IS trustworthy, or your relationship is bound to fail later on anyway if she keeps that up.

We can’t help how we feel, but just try not to feel too bad because you really didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t really know what you could’ve done differently. I’m sure, when she’d asked, if you’d remembered talking to him that one time during the 2-month separation from your friend, you would’ve said that, right? If so, that was an innocent mistake on your part and it’s important that SHE be more understanding, too. And it’s honestly a petty thing to get mad about anyway and she should NOT have been snooping through your phone.

Just give her time though… hopefully she’ll realize (or one of her friends will and will point it out to her) that she is in the wrong here… but again, it’s important that she fixes her trust issues if you guys are going to have a successful healthy relationship.

Hi Joe,

I think your girlfriend has VERY unreasonable expectations. I think it’s reasonable to assume you wouldn’t even remember that short conversation with your friend and it should be understandable that you saying you hadn’t talked to him WASN’T an intentional lie and that you just didn’t remember that time he’d asked you to a party. Also, why is this even an issue with her when you hadn’t promised her you’d stop talking to him in the first place?

I also think she should not have been going through your phone as that’s crossing a privacy boundary, especially if she has no reason to suspect that you’re being unfaithful. She shouldn’t have to verify your faithfulness. How would she feel if you just randomly went through her phone?

I don’t think you’re the one that made a mistake here. If it were me, I would be mad at HER, as I would if I had a boyfriend that did something similar to me. It’s not acceptable behavior. I totally think she’s the one that needs to give the apology, too, and she should change that behavior if she, herself, wants to remain trustworthy (You cannot trust her around your phone at this point).

I do think it was good of you to distance yourself from the rude friend when he upset your girlfriend because it showed that you were on your girlfriend’s side and supportive of her feelings, but what was it that your friend did? Was she overreacting with that, too?

It sounds like she has some very serious trust and control issues that I would ask her to work on if SHE wants to continue a relationship with YOU. Otherwise, I’d go find yourself someone who shows you the trust you deserve, as long as you are being worthy of it, and who also doesn’t try to control you.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Valora.