Is there anything that has been going on lately with your husband, extreme stress? Depression? Anything like that?

Aside from that… definitely join some groups. Find some hobby groups in the area that you might enjoy, painting, sewing, even a bowling league or something. It will be a good way to both take your mind off of what’s going on for a bit and meet new people while doing something fun and enjoyable. I think you will start to feel at least a little better if you are able to make some new friends and have some social support.  I also agree with counseling groups with people who have been through similar experiences. That common ground will really help too, and you’ll likely develop friendships with those people, as well.

My mom was almost 40 when she started dating my stepdad, and they are happily married. I mean they have their annoyances with each other, of course… they’re both retired so they spend most of their time together and any couple would get annoyed at times, but they have a great relationship, are very considerate and respectful of each other, and do lots of fun things together.

I found and dated who I thought was the love of my life in my mid 30s. We didn’t end up working out, likely due to a slew of separate personal things that bombarded each of us, but I’m sharing to say my age didn’t stop me from finding love, and our relationship was really good during the time we were together.

I know quite a few people who have found their husbands and wives in the 30s and 40s and some even older than that, so I say just take this time to enjoy your freedom.  There are so many benefits to being single that I think get overlooked because society in general is so pushy about having a relationship, so take this time to really get into some good hobbies, do fun things, etc., while you’re in a period of your life where you really don’t have to worry about anyone else. And I believe you’ll know it when you meet the right person, especially if you’re happy being single and are in no rush to get coupled up. That’s when you can afford to be more choosy so that you DO end up in a relationship with a good match for you so that you may be happy together.

My issue now, as petty as it sounds, is I can’t stop feeling this hatred towards him for lying, and getting away with lying. He’s become the perfect boyfriend, to show everyone that he couldn’t possibly be a liar, and that I am the deranged one. I’m not as shocked by his behaviour as I am about how disgusted I am. I want to go back to a place where his lies- or any of his actions- don’t affect me.

I think your anger/hatred/disgust is justified in this case, as he has definitely done things to deserve that reaction. I’ve learned, though, that it helps to get rid of anger by looking at all of the possible sources.  For instance, I was really mad at my ex for a long time because of the things he did after he ended our relationship, and, like you, I didn’t want to waste the energy on being mad at him and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just let it go. So I started digging deeper for other reasons why I may be so angry and realized I was actually more angry with myself. Sometimes we can get mad at ourselves without realizing it when someone makes us feel like a fool or drags us into drama that we don’t want to be involved in, and our anger for the other person can sort of hide this anger we have for ourselves, so if you dig deeper and realize you’re angry with yourself for your part in getting into the drama… and we can even be mad at ourselves for irrational things we couldn’t possibly have known the result of beforehand, like being mad at yourself for ever dating him in the first place… if you figure out exactly what you’re angry about when it comes to your part in things and you can forgive yourself, especially if there is a lesson there you can learn so you don’t find yourself in that situation again if possible… I’ve found that lessens quite a bit of the anger.

The rest of the anger you feel for him will lessen over time. You just have to sort of feel it when it comes and let it pass on through. As time passes, thinking of it will upset you less and less.

As for him and his girlfriend, I would do your best to just detach from them and their situation completely. You did your part in telling her what he did, and I think it was a good thing for you to tell her because she deserved to know, especially since it had been an ongoing thing of him saying he missed you while he was with her. She is the one who then chose to eventually disregard when you said. That will likely blow up in her face later on, and that will be her fault and something she’ll need to come to terms with then. He may be acting perfect now, but he is very clearly not perfect, so he will only be able to keep up the act for so long. Please rest assured of that.

So in order to get back to that place where his lies and actions don’t affect you, cut him (and her) out of your life completely, don’t let them back in, and then just give yourself time to heal, be patient with your feelings, and the anger will eventually dissipate.

I feel like 17 is awful young for people to be shocked that you’ve never been in a relationship, but I also know how people are so it’s not surprising. My niece turned 16 several months ago and just recently got her first boyfriend, and many of her friends have never dated anyone, so you’re really not too far behind. There’s definitely nothing wrong with you for not having dated yet.

Do you feel comfortable talking to new people or do you tend to be shy or not know what to say? Are there a lot of people your age that you haven’t met in your area?

thank you marge, What did you do to ease your emotions and feelings when you went through your break up? I really feel crazy at times like nothing calms me. i dont want to sound weak are crazy but its a awful feeling. i know i need to push forward but going through the process is not easy.

Hi Chantel,

I think you just need to give yourself time. You’re attached to this man and you need to give yourself time to detach… detaching is painful so we tend to want to DO something to feel better immediately. So, like Anita said above, your mind thinks you made the wrong decision because being with him felt better than you feel right now, even though being with him felt bad, too…. BUT… if you give yourself time, as long as you need, to sit with your feelings and let them pass, they WILL pass, and then you’ll feel better than you even did when you were with him.

I understand the fear of being alone, but there are soooo many people out there. You’re bound to meet a good one who will give you a full relationship rather than a secret one, if that’s what you want. I really think you’ll feel better over time, it’s just not something you can really rush. It will also come in waves, where you feel bad and then good and then bad again, and then good again… but the bad waves become fewer and farther between, and if you expect them to come at some point, it doesn’t feel so bad when they do.

In the meantime, focus on doing things you know you enjoy and that make you feel happy. Do you like doing any arts? Crafts? Going to music shows or plays? Lots of times those things have huge therapeutic value and aid a ton in feeling better.

Hi Yarina,

I don’t think he’s playing with you. I do think it sounds like this man is emotionally unavailable but it’s likely because of fear. He’s afraid of being hurt again. He is one that is going to have to probably move at a snaaaiiillls pace, which means he is going to have to find someone who is comfortable moving that slow, and it doesn’t sound like you are. You are also expecting him to show certain feelings and do certain gestures fairly early on, so you seem to want to move at a faster (and possibly more regular) pace, which is completely understandable, but it means you two aren’t a match.  Neither one of you are wrong, you’re just different. Some people have to start off as a friendly relationship that builds as intimacy grows, so he will be able to develop feelings, but it’s going to take some time for him and he’s not going to be able to fall into romantic gestures and anything beyond casual until he’s really ready for that, so you stating your feelings of him not doing that probably did make him back off a bit because that stuff is scary for him in new relationships, even if he won’t even admit that to himself.

In other words, he’s not a bad guy for not being able to open up. He’s been hurt and he’s likely afraid of getting close to someone only to end up feeling that again. Think of it as fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment… it takes people a long time to open up and REALLY let someone in when they have those fears. You’ve already told him you can’t handle that baggage, which likely closed him off to you more, and I think you’re right in that you want to move faster than he does and you don’t like how slow he’s moving, so I think it’s a good idea to just move on and find someone who maybe doesn’t have such strong fears in these areas and will move as fast as you’d like to. That’d be a better match for you.  This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or him or that one of you didn’t care, you just don’t match up on the relationship progress speed.

Maybe she is just feeling like all of her children are going off and starting their own lives, and she is worried they will forget about her, (which obviously would never happen). I’m just going to try to keep that in mind when I see her, and try not to take it so personally…

I can toootally see that being the problem here. My kids are 8 and 14, and with my 14-year-old, I recently had to let go of the “little girl” aspects and the expectations that come with that and sort of recognize her transition into becoming a young lady and all of the changes that come with that, and that alone was a hard transition for me. It really is hard to let go and let them have more independence. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel when both kids grow up and start moving on with their own families. I think changes can be hard on parents as you kind of have this natural want to hold onto them as being your babies and always having them there, and there’s this fear there, like you said, that they’ll just move on and forget about you… even though that’s usually an irrational fear. The thought of him not coming to Thanksgiving after having him there every year and that being one more change probably just sent her over the edge for a bit. I do hope she apologizes to you guys, though, as she was definitely harsh and I can see why her words upset you, but she might not realize where her feelings are coming from either.

I hope you enjoy your holidays!