I agree with Inky. I hate video calls. I hate phone calls, too. haha. They both make me feel anxious and I’ve never quite understood why. My last boyfriend and I were semi-LDR because we lived about 25 minutes away from each other and could only see each other on weekends for the most part due to work. We only communicated through text during the week. We dated for 2 years and I think we only video chatted one time when I was on vacation with my family, and I was extremely anxious during that call, even though I loved the guy to pieces. My anxiety really had nothing at all to do with him.

So I think the easiest thing to do here is to not video chat. Do just regular phone calls instead.

I can also see how you two are feeling anxious and maybe a little insecure about seeing each other since it’s been a while. Part of you may be wondering if it will be comfortable like it was the last time or if you will feel awkward, and not knowing for sure can make you feel anxious. I wouldn’t make any relationship decisions based on that feeling and just try to remember that it’s more likely you will feel comfortable since that’s how you felt the first time. Then just see how it goes!

If you’re dating in the U.S., you’re going to find this is a very, very common belief among men. Most men do not verbally express emotions but do it through actions instead.  For instance, my dad has only told me he loves me maybe 3 or 4 times in my nearly 38 years of life, BUT he has always been there when I needed him, goes out of his way for me, listens to me when I talk to him, and is always happy to see me and happy to talk to me, therefore, I know for sure that he loves me without him having to say it. I don’t believe he would feel comfortable expressing feelings through words, and I can say the same for a lot of guys I know.

So what I’m basically saying is that if this is something you’re not okay with, that’s okay. It simply narrows your dating pool, at least in some countries. I do think lot of men are getting better at embracing emotions these days, but many were raised to “man up” as your boyfriend said, and I wouldn’t ever expect their views to change. It’s what they were taught from childhood, and those beliefs tend to be deep-seated and hard to change unless they actively work on it, and most men won’t because it’s socially acceptable (and encouraged) for men to be this way.

So your only options are to not pursue him and find someone who expresses emotions verbally or accept that he won’t and look for signs of his emotions in expressions and actions. Long distance relationships can make this harder as well because he isn’t there in person to show you how he is feeling through actions, but you can usually tell how someone truly feels about you by paying attention to what they’re NOT saying, like in the example I noted above with my dad.

I can get very anxious, especially when I really like someone, and I ended up being a bit crazy and insecure with him on several occasions (asking whether he still loved his ex, wondering aloud if we were really compatible, jumping to conclusions about what he thought on a few occasions)

He obviously wasn’t expecting this to be a let’s get back together meeting and the impression I got was that he thought it was a good idea we broke up, and he said essentially that I really was just too crazy and insecure (in a nicer way than that, but thereabouts). He was perfectly pleasant but I just came away feeling like he never really cared, like the last year meant nothing to him and like we can’t even be friends now because maybe our friendship wasn’t real.

Hi Sarah,

I quoted the two parts of your post above because there are similar patterns of thought in both of them, before and after the breakup. When you were together, you said you’d been insecure and had jumped to conclusions. Looking back, had he really given you any reason to wonder these things or was it just your insecurities making you fear that these things were happening? If it was simply your insecurities/fears, you can then look at that last sentence quoted and know that that is likely your insecurities talking, too… that you did and do mean something to him, your relationship with him was very real, and I think you can take it at face value when he said that he still liked you but didn’t think the relationship was healthy for you… it likely wasn’t healthy for you. It was bringing out some major insecurities in you, and that can sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy a lot of times. You have to work on those before you get into a relationship so that you don’t end up self-sabotaging it with insecurities, and if you decide to trust someone, you have to do your best to trust them fully and not let your doubts sneak in unless they deliberately do something that should raise red flags.

 I just can’t believe his feelings, which he said were so strong and which had built up over a year, changed within a week or so. I don’t want this experience to make it even harder for me to trust people than it already is, but it feels like my worst fears were proved right (that he was too good for me and he would leave me). I even booked a holiday next week in November because I thought our “relationship” would combust by now and that I’d need a break.. which is exactly what happened!

Have you ever read anything about the Law of Attraction? We tend to manifest or bring into our lives the things that we focus on, especially when there is great emotion attached (such as fear) or if we have strong beliefs about it. You were focusing so hard on him leaving you that you literally booked a trip months in advance, while you were still with him, to give yourself a break because you were expecting to be broke up by then. You manifested the breakup yourself in time to go on the vacation you planned for the breakup you were expecting… your belief that it would happen was that strong. It’s the perfect example of how it works.

So… my best advice is to learn from this. I know you’re feeling awful now and that’s totally normal with a breakup. Give yourself time to grieve and recover, but then work on yourself and these beliefs you have about people always leaving you. Fear of abandonment is a very, very common belief/fear and there is a lot of information even for free on the internet that you can read that may help you to get past the insecurities and change this belief so that the next relationship you get into (maybe even with the same guy, if you show him over time that you’ve grown out of your insecurities) will be much more likely to be successful. You’ll have a much better chance of a happy, committed, long-term relationship with someone who will stick around if you are able to move past the insecurities and fears that have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the past and then you WILL be able to trust that they’ll stay if you’re both a good match for each other… but that’s the key. It still doesn’t guarantee that you will always stay with each other because sometimes it takes dating for a while to figure out that you’re not a good match… but when you DO find a good match for you, you won’t let any insecurities/doubts get in the way like before, and then that’s when the guy will stay.

We ended up planning a meeting for the day after Xmas (December 2019). At some point, I started to feel that I wanted to talk with him a bit more often. The conversation went very well the first time I brought it up, but I soon noticed that nothing had really changed. I admit that I was growing frustrated and wanted to get a bit closer to him emotionally. He was a busy guy and had long days at school. I brought up the issue a handful of times over a two month period and this when we began to fight. He would become defensive when I brought it up and would say things like “I have a life” and basically said that things would not work out if it continued to be an issue. I expressed how I did not want to feel bullied into silence on the issue and he seemed to understand.

You seemed to get upset when he could not talk to you more often than you both had been talking for the past 3 years, but that bolded part is very important. It was you who wanted to make the change, but it sounds like he was unable to keep up with it and that that change wasn’t going to work for him because of his busy schedule. When you would bring up this issue to him, what type of tone would you take when you’d tell him?  Concern or criticism? Did he tell you he would talk more often or did he try to explain that he couldn’t because he was too busy for more?

On one hand, yes, I was emotionally reactive. On the other hand, he did dismiss my feelings instead of trying to understand me.

What was it that he said that made you feel that he was dismissive the first time or two that you talked to him about it? What did you need from him to not feel that way?  Would it have been acceptable for him to just tell you he was too busy to add more conversation time or did you need him to talk to you more in order for you to not feel dismissed? I feel like that distinction is important here.

I do think just blocking you was extremely immature. At the very least, he should’ve told you that he wasn’t happy and didn’t think things were going to work before just cutting you off like that. Had he said anything like that to you before he blocked you?

How long has it been since his aunt died? Mark’s right that it’s your insecurities that are making your heart ache. It sounds like he has reassured you but just needs some time, especially if the death was very recently. It’s up to you whether it’s worth it to give him that time that he needs or if you can’t and need more to feel content.

Honestly, I wouldn’t break ties in this case, if it were me. Just hold space for him. When he says hello, say hello back and have a nice conversation. Keep your heart open to others during this time, though, don’t just wait around for him because it may be a long time (years even) before he gets into a position where he could have a long-distance relationship again, but I don’t think you need to close the door entirely, because this seems like it’s 100% personal circumstances and not anything with you and his relationship, so once his circumstances return to a more normal and less stressful state, you guys may be able to work something out later on. Again, this may take years though, so be sure to remain open to other options for yourself as well.

In the meantime, it’s going to hurt to have less of him in your life, and it’s okay to miss him and to let yourself feel that pain and then let it out. But after some time, you’ll get used to not talking to him so much and it will feel less painful. I really hope his mom gets feeling better and that his situation overall improves. They’ve all suffered a terrible loss, and I’m sure the criminal investigation is extremely stressful, and that’s actually probably why his mom relapsed (stress hurts the immune system) so just expect that he’s going to have to get through all of that and allow his life to return to normalcy before he’ll be ready to commit to anyone.

First I want to say  I think it was wrong of your counselor to suggest that you bring your partner to your hobby. A person needs to have their own things they enjoy separate from their partner because it helps to maintain individuality, and that was your sanctuary, so of course you were going to feel like he invaded it and build resentment, especially since he seems to have a much more outgoing personality (which is not better or worse in most cases but is worse when someone just wants to be unnoticed and enjoy what they’re doing). That was terrible advice. There are PLENTY of hobbies out there that you two could’ve done, so what should have been suggested is that you two try new things until you find a hobby you both enjoy doing together. If you ever do get back together… go try new things and let each of our favorite hobbies remain your favorite hobbies alone, without the other.

Anyway, so you say you began to act the way he was acting and couldn’t help yourself, right? This doesn’t make either of your behavior okay, but it should at least help you with the pain of feeling hurt by what he did, because when you experience the other side of things, it can help you to understand it. Perhaps he was also dealing with things internally that were making him feel angry, anxious, and resentful that were making him treat you in a way he shouldn’t have been… and these wouldn’t even have to be about you. Sometimes when we’re dealing with stressors that we can’t control, it affects all of our other relationships and that can cause us to treat the people closest to us badly, even when we’re not mad at them in particular. So use your memory of the monster you became to forgive both him and yourself for the pain you’d felt previously from him being the same monster to you so that you may release that pain.

With that said… I’m not saying you should forgive and get back with him. Forgive to release the pain you feel, but I also think you need to trust your gut on this one. It told you something was going on for 3 months and it was confirmed when the girl told you they’d been talking for 3 months. He may not have technically cheated physically, but there may be something emotional going on there and it sounds like he’d misled the girl as well, otherwise why would she leave and go home if he were taking her to meet her boyfriend? That makes no sense. I have plenty of guy friends and in that scenario, I would’ve reassured the girl myself that nothing was going on, we’re just friends, and he gave me a ride to see my boyfriend for whatever reason and then I’d go off to see my boyfriend rather than going home. So his story doesn’t check out in this case, and I think you have reason to feel that he was being deceitful and dishonest, at least partially. Maybe it’s true that he didn’t cheat, but the story he told you was not a story that made sense.

If you feel like you should block him and just walk away…. do that. You two have already done the breakup, said your goodbyes, and whether he wants to get back together or not, if you don’t… there is absolutely nothing wrong with just disappearing without explanation. You two aren’t together and you don’t owe him anything anymore. And a relationship with him won’t work anyway if you don’t feel like you can trust him and are still feeling extremely hurt by the past, so it may be better to just cut ties so that you can move on and heal.

Distance almost never fixes things because then the person has no idea what they’ve done. Distance is avoidance. The way to fix things is by being assertive, so I definitely think you should address your concerns with him and see what he says/does. If he reacts in an understanding way and then changes his behavior, that shows that he respects you and really is a good guy at heart.  If he reacts very badly in the way that you’ve seen him react with others, that should send a clear message of who he actually is. This includes if he blows up at you and then apologizes later, that’s still a big red flag.

I think it would be healthy for both of you to back off a little because, not only will your fiance be relieved (even if he won’t tell you that directly), I don’t think your friend is ever going to find himself in a healthy relationship with someone he truly likes as long as your friendship keeps the dynamic it currently has, so it would be good for him too if you two backed off from the physical touch and flirtiness, and it’ll probably seem weird at first because it’s a dynamic change, but I can see it being better for everyone involved.

I think it also makes sense that he’s basically with her just so his family will stop bugging him, but that still doesn’t make it okay for him to act the way he has been. Hopefully he will change that behavior.