“My point was, I was a skeptic. I didn’t believe in that until it happened to me.  It’s such a strong feeling that it’s something that you cannot explain.  And yes, if she were to text me, call me, or see me.  I would feel the same way Valora did when she hugged her ex.  EVERY TIME!

I’ve thought i was in love before her.  I know now that I wasn’t.  Or if I was it wasn’t a true, unconditional love.”

John, yep. Your whole paragraph is what it’s like. I’ve always been a bit of a romantic with a full heart, but this was different and it’s not easily explainable. My ex and I tried to explain it both when we were together and right after we broke up. We still felt it even after the breakup, but he was just at such an extremely low point in his life (both personal/emotional and health issues that I couldn’t help with) and I had my own issues to deal with, our communication eventually fell apart, and even though that feeling/connection is amazing and strong, it still isn’t enough to hold 2 people together when communication breaks down. It really is a shame. It definitely is hard to get over. I reacted to our breakup in a way that I never have with any of my others, too. I basically ran from it. I still don’t go to his town because I feel like it’d be too painful. haha. Neeeever have had that problem with any breakups. If anything, I’d TRY to run into them. With him, it was the opposite.

Feel free to vent to us and definitely don’t to your girlfriend. I can’t imagine how that feels for her, so better to vent to us, for sure.

I’m not sure I agree, Anita, given I’ve experienced what John is talking about. I was with mine for 2 years and even though that’s a short time in the grand scheme of things, that feeling wasn’t fleeting at all. Right up until the last time he hugged me, I could feel my heart light up. It was like hugging him made my heart literally glow with light and warmth. It was the craziest feeling, and I would feel it very in the moment. It’s not something that’s forgettable. I’m not sure that it can be likened with a parental relationship. Although that IS where we form our initial attachments that set the stage for what we look for in the future, there is one piece to the puzzle missing with parental relationships, and that’s passion. The “true love” consummate relationship has intimacy, commitment, AND passion. Finding all 3 in a relationship is rare and I do believe, in certain connections, it really does last without fading…. and then other times, you lose one and that’s when the relationship starts going downhill. But, oh, when you have all 3 combined with a feeling of a soul connection, it’s a totally different experience and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t actually felt it can really understand because it’s just one of those things that does sound like a fairy tale or an exaggeration unless you actually feel it. Even after breaking up with me, my ex said he’s never experienced a connection like we have before. None of that really faded. Our problem was mainly our individual personal issues though. We definitely each had some growing up to do.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, your brain is totally normal. haha. I’ve thought about and wondered all of those things about my ex as well. That was part of the reason I wanted to talk to him for “closure” because we haven’t seen each other since March and “what if?” haha. But if we are meant to be together, I believe life will throw us back together at some point without effort on my part, because I’ve made it clear in the past where I’ve stood, and that’s about all I can do, and now it’s up to him. I think the same goes for you with your ex. She knows where you stand and that’s about all you could’ve done after the breakup. Plus, after a while, I think you just get to a point where you’re just tired of wondering and thinking about it and don’t see the point in it anymore. That’s a good place to be. There’s definitely a freedom that comes with giving up the need to worry about it. That doesn’t mean you have to give up all hope forever, you just have to stop being attached to the outcome. It really isn’t her that you want. It’s someone who makes you feel the way that she made you feel, only without all of the stuff that made you feel bad. And if she does come back, and you’ve both done some growing, it absolutely would have to be treated like a brand new relationship, because you don’t want to bring any of the baggage from the old relationship into the new one. That would just add tension to the new relationship… and that’s why it’s so important to completely let go of it all, no matter what.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about that special type of love/connection. Letting go of that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as well, but at the same time, I’ve grown leaps and bounds, and now I feel like I’ve been able to get to a good place where I don’t feel helpless and I do feel hopeful about finding that kind of a connection again, even if it’s with someone completely different. We just never know what will happen, who we’ll meet, when, etc.

You will get to the place I am, but you can’t given into temptation like that if you’re having such trouble. I’m pretty sure that just showed you how it makes it harder. You have to do what you can to separate yourself from the thoughts of her, which includes staying away from anything like photos or things that remind you of her (that are possible to avoid), at least until you’re in a better place, and even then, try not to look at that stuff.

As for all of those things you are wondering…. I think it’s pretty safe to say that when people are in a place in their lives where they’re confused about what they want or they’re just not feeling themselves or they don’t know what they’re doing, they tend to do confusing things. I know I’ve definitely confused the heck out of people in the past with my actions, even though it wasn’t intentional on my part. I just didn’t have myself figured out back then. I do think that the things she said after she had been so sure she wanted to end things might’ve been her wanting an ego boost. She could’ve been confused then, too, and just didn’t want to admit it. There’s really no way to know for sure, and that’s the stuff that you have to become okay with not knowing. You just kind of have to accept that you don’t have all the answers and you probably never will and that has to be okay. Overanalyzing is keeping you stuck where you are, unable to move forward, so if you don’t want to be in this place forever, you just kind of have to accept that things happened that didn’t make sense and that people really just do things sometimes that don’t make sense, and you have to let that be okay and do your best to leave that in the past.

It’s okay to miss her. I miss my ex, too. He was a big part of my life and I think I miss his friendship most of all. We were best friends and I appreciated him for who he was at his core, but we just were not heading in a good direction then with all of his issues getting to him like they were. You would not believe the amount of confusing things HE was doing. haha. But I’ve just accepted that things happened the way they did for a reason and all of those confusing things he did were likely a result of the state of mind he was in when he did them, so I’ve just stopped letting myself wonder.  And I can tell you, that’s one thing that helped me a ton, too. You just have to get your mind away from those patterns of thinking… no matter how difficult that may be to do. You just have to do it.

That’s the thing I think you need to realize though…. you couldn’t have given her any of what she needed because she needed to work on herself and that’s something no one else can do for her. And giving her space would’ve ended up driving you even more nuts because that wasn’t what you wanted. It sounds like she just wasn’t ready to take the relationship as far as you were, and the same goes for probably any relationship since the one she got into afterward was long distance so that was really safe because long distance relationships are really limited in how close they can get. So that relationship probably feels “safe” for her in that way (which isn’t a good thing). Anyway, I’m not sure she knew what she needed and that’s probably why she couldn’t tell you either. Same for my ex and that’s why I think trying to get clarity from these people would only bring up more questions because THEY don’t even know why they did what they did. You know? You can’t really get closure or clarity from someone who isn’t clear themselves.

Well, I hope the situation with your girlfriend gets better soon. It’s extra hard when their work schedule is an obsticle. That was one with my ex and I as well. We worked opposite schedules (me first, him second, he’d come here to stay and we’d go right to bed) during the week, so we didn’t get a whole lot of quality time there. That sounds like a good idea, though, to wait it out until the beginning of the year. Maybe she will have some time off during the holidays and you guys will be able to figure things out. It’s also TERRIBLE to break up right before the holidays. It basically ruins them and makes the breakup feel even worse. So I think it’s a good idea to just wait and see how you feel afterwards and go from there. Especially if you’re able to let go of your ex more, that will help give you some clarity about your current situation, too.

There’s also nothing wrong with being one of “those guys” who just can’t enjoy taking on someone else’s kids all the time. I’m the same way. As a mom, I adore my own kids and can obviously care for them all the time, but I do not feel the same about other people’s kids. haha. I definitely don’t mind people’s kids most of the time, but I just am not someone who could be a babysitter or run a daycare.

It sounds like you’re getting closer to taking your ex off the pedestal too, and that’s good. Your first paragraph shows it. Just know that there isn’t anything you could’ve done. I really don’t think it was your behavior that pushed her away…. she was already pushing YOU away and it was most likely that that you were reacting to by trying to cling, right? So you just have to accept that there really wasn’t anything at all that you could’ve done that would’ve changed anything. This really was all on her and her issues that are causing her to keep people at arm’s length. You were trying to progress the relationship in a normal fashion, right? Naturally trying to move it forward as relationships are supposed to progress… and that is when she started pushing you away. I really think she just was not ready to be in a relationship that moved past a certain superficial point (which is why super long distance is safe) and there wasn’t anything you could’ve done about that, and if you’d stayed together, you probably would’ve gotten sick of the relationship never progressing and it would’ve driven you crazy anyway. There truly wasn’t anything you could’ve done to change this… and that’s okay. It just is what it is.

You also can’t really be cheated out of happiness by someone else. Happiness comes from within and no external sources, so the only person cheating you out of happiness is you. She wasn’t able to help you because she couldn’t even help herself. She is obviously going through something that she very much needs to figure out and resolve, so that’s why it’s probably hard for her to see the picture outside of that. So I think it might also be your own expectations that you need to let go of, too, and that may help. You have all of these ideas of how things could have been or should have been (and I did that for a long time too), but that’s not how things ARE or even were. So when you start thinking of this stuff, just remind yourself that they are a fabrication of your own mind and not actually real or true and you can’t expect things like that from other people or it’s not coming from a place of love. Love should be without expectations, you know? And also without so much attachment.

You can also feel free to let yourself keep a part of that hope of reconciliation if you want. I think I probably always will too. Just don’t keep it at the forefront of your mind. Take her off the pedestal and put her memory on a storage shelf for now. If she comes back after she’s done some growing, then great, she’ll be there on that shelf for you to dust off, so to speak, but if not, you will know your happiness doesn’t depend on it and it will just be a memory to look back on and a good lesson learned. Easier said than done, believe me, I know, but you can do it because I did and I was where you are feelings-wise just like 1.5 months ago. Minus the current relationship. haha. You got this.

Does your girlfriend have NO ONE else that can watch the kids? What did she do before you came along? If the father is supporting the kids at all, she should be able to get help with child care costs.

Most importantly, though… remember. This is NOT your fault. You did not do this. You could not have changed the result. I’ll guarantee she is keeping her current relationship from progressing, too, (unless she’s done some major inner work) and if he tries to push closer, he will get pushed away, too. These are her issues, not yours. So you have to give yourself permission to accept what is and what happened and forgive yourself for what you think you did.  I did plenty that put a strain on my relationship, too, and I lamented over those things for a long time, thinking I could’ve changed things if I’d only worked on them FASTER or talked to him sooner, but at the end of the day, if he was in even a decent place emotionally, we could have worked through it. He was unwilling because I truly believe he was incapable of that at that time (and he even told me after we broke up that I’ve been so accommodating of his issues and he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be the same with mine. I realized later that it was because he was in such a bad spot emotionally. He didn’t even know how to handle his own issues, let alone mine). The same is probably true for your ex.  Neither one of them talked to us about what was going on before they broke up with us… that truly does mean there was nothing we could have done. They made that decision without us, so it really is all on them. Our input wouldn’t have mattered and our actions or lack thereof didn’t matter either.  Give yourself permission to accept that. It’ll help a ton, trust me.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

I’m jumping in to second what Brandy wrote. Mindfulness is invaluable when it comes to recovering from a breakup. I love Kyle Cease, too. I tend to listen to him every time I get into my head about things and he pulls me back out of it. He has a bunch of great videos on YouTube.

Also, meditation (the simple kind, where you just sit there quietly for 20 minutes and focus on your breathing, letting any thoughts that come pass right through while you refocus on your breathing) helps a ton with mindfulness. It sort of exercises your brain when it comes to focus, and this helps you to be able to refocus on the present any time your mind tries to pull you into thinking about past pain/regret or future anxieties/worries. We are usually fine in the present, so that is the best place for our minds to be… focusing on all of the good things we have in our lives right now, even the little things like the birds chirping, the pleasant rise and fall of pets’ bellies as they sleep peacefully and comfortably, the click of the keyboard when you type, the warmth when the heater kicks on when it’s really cold outside., the feeling you get when you help someone (and if that feels good, then help MORE people. That’s an easy way to bring happiness to both you and someone else!). All of these little things that add even just a little happiness to our lives… focus on those things. Meditation and mindfulness helps you keep that focus and regain it quickly when something does interrupt.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

John, trust me. You don’t need closure. I felt the same way literally 3 weeks ago. I was talking to my counselor, crying in his office, wishing for closure. I went home from that appointment and thought why… what is closure really going to give me? If I tried to talk to my ex about things, it would likely just bring up more questions and more questions. I decided what I really wanted was clarity and I’m not sure he could really give that to me either. It’s just one of those things that you have to accept that you won’t know and let that be okay. You don’t NEED to know. It’s all in the past and can’t be changed no matter what you do… and sometimes I think we want closure just because there’s hope that if we get them talking about it, they’ll decide they want us back. But I know that’s not how I would want my ex to come back. If he came back, it would have to be his own decision without any influence from me, otherwise he would likely just leave again later and I’d have to start this whole process over. He CHOSE to leave me, so he has to be the one to make things right, if he decides he wants to do that. That day when I had that realization was the day I took him off of that pedestal I’d had him on, and that was the day I started healing much, much more rapidly. I think I’d still want to try to work things out if he did come back (if he’s done some growing up too) BUT I don’t feel like I need him to anymore and I really don’t care whether he does or not because I’m going to be fine either way… and quite frankly, his loss. lol

Your ex may have loved you, John, but from what you’ve said, I’m not sure it was as much as you loved her. You’ve said she kept blowing you off to even just stay home and do nothing, and I know when you are head over heels, you want to spend every minute you can together. So that might need to be something you might want to accept as a possibility as well. I really think you can do better than your ex and you may already HAVE better in your current relationship when you finally let your ex go and let your current girlfriend in emotionally.

So yes, focusing on your girlfriend this weekend is a GREAT idea. Any thoughts that come into your mind about your ex, just let them pass and refocus on all of the things you love about your current girlfriend and your life as it is now. You seem to be focusing A LOT on the past but what do you love about your life now?

And for goodness sake, FORGIVE YOURSELF. For all of it. You CANNOT go back and change any of it so, I promise you, none of your guilt over any of this is helping you and all of those talks with her and any of those changes you wish you’d made likely would’ve had the same exact result anyway. This was a decision SHE made on her own… without you. It’s not one you could’ve prevented, no matter how much your mind would like to believe you could’ve if you’d done things differently. This was all her. Things happen for a reason, so find the lesson in it and then let everything else go and you will feel so much better.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.