fbpx
Menu

Valora

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 451 through 465 (of 485 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #238283
    Valora
    Participant

    I am trying to get it in my head that no matter what I did that it wouldn’t of worked.  It is very hard though when I changed into someone else during our relationship.  However, I do think if i would of stood up to her, she may have still felt guilty and such.  Making it to a point where she would want to end things.

    Like I said, i will never really know for sure.  It’s just hard to let those thoughts go.  Hard to move on and enjoy life now.  Fridays are the worst.  That’s when i got most excited, cause I was going to see her.  I’m trying to be that way now with my girlfriend cause we only get fridays and saturdays together.

    Yeah, I really don’t think you standing up to her would’ve made any difference. Think about it this way… the way you were acting was a reaction to her seemingly backing off, right?  That means she made her decision to change things and back off BEFORE you started acting differently. She was already in the process of making up her mind without talking to you about it, so your opinion or thoughts wouldn’t have changed anything, and, who knows, it might’ve made things even worse.  You may be finding it hard to let it go, but all it really takes is making the decision to let it go, and then it’s easier after that. You might want to ask yourself WHY you don’t want to let it go. Is it possible you are afraid you’ll get over her if you let all of this go and then she’ll come back after you do and you won’t want her anymore?

    You also seem to compare your current relationship with your girlfriend with your relationship with your ex a lot, which is not helping because they are two completely different types of relationships (long-distance weekend relationship vs. every day real life), and two completely different people, so it’s comparing apples with oranges, you know?  I think it’d help if you’d get yourself into a situation you ARE happy with, even if you just make improvements to your life outside of your current relationship if you don’t want to leave that right now.  You’ll have an easier time changing your mindset if you focus on YOU rather than your girlfriend or your ex although you still do need to think about your girlfriend too, because you’re with her, but I hope you know what I mean… just find some things you truly enjoy and that improve your life.

    Valora
    Participant

    I’m struggling this evening. It’s over 2 months since my ex broke up with me and I’m not over it. I’m not over him. I’m extremely lost without him and I spoke to my sister today and she says it’s up to me to change my life and live a better one.

    I feel like I’m doing everything I possibly can, but my core feelings are not changing. I want to be back in his life. How am I going to come to terms with this? Anyone reading this thread will know, there is not a option to go back, so what fantastical daydream am I living in?

    I don’t know if this will help any, but 2 months really isn’t that long, especially depending on how you felt in your relationship. It literally took me at least 7 months to start feeling good again but I’d still cry often and missed him terribly and then it took another 3 months to feel better regularly, and now, a year after the breakup, I feel almost 100% back to normal. I still have my days where I get sad and wish he was still in my life, but they are much, much fewer now and I am not at all worried about whether or not I’ll find love again. I’m just sort of enjoying the good I have in my life. So be patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel so that you can then let it go. No matter how long it takes you. It’s okay to not be over it yet and it’s okay to still be sad. I was sad for soooo many months and it HAS gotten better… way, way better. This year has been HARD for me, but working through all of the struggle has made me learn a lot about myself and it’s set me on a path that I’m happy to be on.  These things just take time and some soul searching, but you can come out of it better than you ever were before.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #238015
    Valora
    Participant

    Valora, i’m trying to forget those thoughts when they hit.  Honestly it feels like they are coming more and more now though.  I don’t know what’s going on with my head.  I think  i have cried everyday this week.  twice one day.

    It’s likely they’re coming more and more because you’re still very heavily focusing on her. You’re constantly thinking about how you reacted or what you did or what you should’ve done or what she did, that you aren’t giving yourself a chance to let the thoughts go because you ruminate on them when they come in.  You are also clearly frustrated with how you’re feeling, which means you’re still fighting the thoughts and you are the one who is allowing it to consume you. You don’t have to do that. You just seriously have to try to relax and let the thoughts go out as soon as they come.  Literally have a self-dialogue of “hey, there’s another one of those thoughts. That’s okay. I’m just going to let that thought go and focus my attention elsewhere” and then start thinking of something else. It is a psychological fact that we can only pay attention to or truly focus on one thing at a time, so if you shift your focus intensely toward something else, an activity, a TV show, a really good book that interests you, etc., every time you think of her, switching to something else, those thoughts WILL slow down, but you can’t fight them either.  Like I said, let them come and go like a stream passing through a tunnel.

    How do you let go of those kind of regrets?

    You let them go by forgiving yourself, realizing that doing things differently likely would’ve changed nothing, realize this happened because you had an important lesson to learn and moving forward. You cannot change the pass, so regrets serve absolutely no purpose other than to drive you insane. You have to learn to let go. I think it might help you to read some blogs or books or anything on learning HOW to let go until you find something that works for you. We cannot live in the past, and you will never get over this until you can learn how to let the past go.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #238001
    Valora
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Absolutely. I definitely still have my moments where I feel so sad, but they are much fewer and far between than they were even just a few months ago.  You just have to be gentle with yourself and patient. Keep learning about attachments and read about how to learn to not need them. Your need of them CAN be changed or altered. I don’t think it’s realistic to think that we can ever live completely without attachment (or at least I don’t think I would even want to), but we can definitely improve to the point where we are able to let those attachments go much easier and sort of live without expectations and to not let future attachments develop to the point of addiction. You will get to the place I’m at and we will both get to a place where we are no longer affected by our breakups. Just have to give it some time and do some soul-searching in the process  🙂

    I think you’ll find cognitive dissonance interesting, too. I learned about it earlier this year when I was wrestling back and forth about my own feelings on whether to try to talk to him or just leave him alone (because not talking to him didn’t feel right but I also knew we were broken up and that talking to him would only increase my attachment), and that’s when I went looking for what that feeling was and how to handle it. haha. That feeling of back and forth and the discomfort that comes with it WILL go away in time though, so you have that to look forward to.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    Valora
    Participant

    Valora,

    You’re absolutely right. One of my biggest challenges in life has always been to just try and accept things when they are not as I want them to be. I feel the need to control, fix, change. Things outside my control seems like an alien concept.

    I agree, I will keep experiencing that lesson until I get it, but I have no clue how. Have you any advice about how to come around to that level of acceptance?

    I think listening to Kyle Cease’s YouTube videos has helped me with that more than anything. That and just reading things on the internet about how to let go of control. It takes some work and a lot of self-talk, and you kind of have to reprogram the way you think, but it helps. I still have moments where I fall back into feeling like I need to know an outcome or like I want some sort of control over a situation, but that’s just where I have to remind myself that I don’t really NEED that and question WHY I want it. If I can figure out WHY I want to know that or what I think I’ll gain from it, I can sort of look at things more objectively and figure out if I really neeeed to know it or if I’m hoping something else will come from it and what the likelihood of that something I want happening is and then if it DOESN’T happen, how will I feel? Better or worse? Then I usually decide that the not knowing is better and I should just leave the past behind me and do my best to move forward.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #237043
    Valora
    Participant

    I feel like i’ve tried everything i can to “move on”.  I’ve tried the “mud balls”, i’ve tried taking her off that pedestal and thinking of all the things she did that hurt me and made me feel second.  I think of how it did feel at the end that she judged me and i felt like I had to change who i was.  I try thinking of what I  have now and how much love is there for me, just waiting for me to embrace it.

    It feels like no matter what I do, I end up back in this depression.  this wondering.  yes, this fantasy i’m in.  I even think, its not over,  she will come around sooner or later.  I just have to wait and be patient.  Even though I know that that’s all BS.  I still get those thoughts.   I hate myself for that.  I hate that it feels like every little thing I do, see, hear, whatever reminds me of her.

    I want to clarify about the pedestal. When I talked of taking her down from there, I didn’t mean to start thinking about the bad things… because that means you’re still thinking about her, and that isn’t going to help you stop. While thinking about those things can help you get her down from there, once you do take her off, you have to do your best to just curb the thoughts. When they come, you have to let them come into your mind and go right back out without any rumination, and then eventually the thoughts become less and less. If you dwell on them and fight your mind and get frustrated every time you think of her, that’s just holding the thoughts there and making them stronger. You have to let them go out right after they come in, like water flowing through a tunnel, without any struggle… just thoughts passing through, no big deal. And you have to be patient with yourself and know that it’s going to take time and know that you are still going to have bad days where you get upset thinking about her, but those days become fewer and far between the more you work on just letting everything pass through and refocus on everything you like about your life now… and by that I’m also not talking about focusing on your current girlfriend and the love she has for you, because your mind isn’t wanting to grasp that because a whole host of other problems have come with that relationship, so that’s not going to work for you. You have to think about OTHER things that you really like.

    Actually, I think part of your biggest problem isn’t your ex… it’s that you are not happy with your life the way it is now, so it might be harder to focus on the good because of that. Instead of thinking about your ex not being in your life or how much your girlfriend loves you and being frustrated with not being able to return that love right now, I would maybe try harder to find new things that would make you happy and also fit into your life as it is now. Maybe pick up a hobby that you really enjoy and you can do while watching your girlfriends kids so that time doesn’t seem so tedious.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #237039
    Valora
    Participant

    I wonder now whether it is love at all. Or just attachment and being completely reliant on someone. It makes me feel like I am loosing control of my life. Like I too need a fix so that I can succeed in life. So I can feel happy again.

    I have tried to withdraw from these feelings and learn to not rely or need him so much so that my actual everyday life depends on it but when I do that I feel I am not being true to myself? Almost like I won’t tell him about the events of today because i will fall into a pattern of needing to do this again!

    Kkasxo, have you ever heard the term cognitive dissonance? It can drive a person crazy when your mind believes you need to do one thing and your heart tells you that that doesn’t feel right. Until both things come into agreement, it’s extremely uncomfortable. I think that’s kind of what you’re experiencing where you know it’s not good for you to talk to him because it feeds your attachment to him, but at the same time, you feel like you should be. The way to fix this is to decide which direction really is the best way to go and then keep going that direction and stay firm with it and eventually the other will fall in line.

    I don’t know if you’ve read much of my story in this thread, but I had a relationship similar to yours as well. I’m somehow farther along in my recovery as I knew I had attachment issues and that that was the lesson this breakup was trying to teach me, so I’ve been working seriously hard since January to break my attachment issues, not just to my ex but to everything else I’m attached to (like “things” for example. My house is cluttered because I had a hard time getting rid of anything and I had to learn how to detach from that stuff too).  So I think you’re right. It IS an addiction and an attachment that you’re feeling, but those can both be overcome with work. A lot of work. But I feel it’s worth it.

    And I don’t know if this will help, but I truly believe we have much more than one or even two soulmate connections out there. There is a whole group of people scattered across the planet who are connected to us in that way and capable of giving us the feeling that we felt with our exes. So it’s totally possible for you to find that love again, but it most likely won’t happen until you’re able to let go of your ex. It’s okay to give yourself as long as you need, though. These things take time. I am light years better than I was even 2 months ago, but I still have my days where I miss him and cry (usually when something is going bad somewhere else in my life and I miss the comfort I used to get from him), and that’s okay. It’s just a process.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #237007
    Valora
    Participant

    The really shitty part is that if this was my ex.  I would do it without question.  I would of even drove an hour each way each day if needed for as long as needed and loved doing it.  What does that say about my feelings for my girlfriend?  I know I love her, but is it not an unconditional love?  Or a love  like i would have for a really good friend?  I feel like in my own selfish desperation to have that attention i needed, i jumped into a situation compromising other peoples livelihood and well being.  Now there are hers and my kids in the balance and her as well.

    I think you might need to be a little more honest with yourself here. You would’ve started out doing it without question, but it would’ve taken its toll on you, just like what you’re doing is now. For example, my ex didn’t have a car for a while, and I happily let him take mine because it would help him out and I didn’t really need to use it much, but as the months went on and he was still driving it and I was still working around not having a car myself because he had mine, it wore on me and I began to be annoyed that I didn’t have my car and he was putting miles on mine, even though it wasn’t his fault (it was getting fixed that whole time). So you just don’t know how you would’ve felt in that situation. You might’ve tolerated a bit longer than you have with your current girlfriend, but eventually, the result feelings likely would’ve been the same. The same with your ex living so far away. You cannot deny that that distance got to you, no matter how much you loved her. That was a big hurdle in your relationship. The connections we had with our ex’s may have felt magical, but they weren’t actually magic. The hurdles will still pop up and we will still have feelings about those hurdles, no matter who we are with.

     

    All i do know is this.  I’m going to focus on doing my best, not making any situation about me, learning to not be so insecure and worry about what other people need and think.  And try to make it about the kids.  The are innocent in all of this and didn’t ask for it.  It is very hard though when i feel my heart so heavy every day.

    This is very good. You do not have to feel as miserable as you do right now. It’s your own mind making you feel that way because it keeps wanting to focus on the wrong things and you are still learning how to redirect it. Once you get better at bringing your mind back to what is good about your present life, it will stop pulling you toward what it feels you’re lacking so much. And as looong as you keep focusing on that lack, you’re going to keep getting more lack.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #236997
    Valora
    Participant

     I know after she left me, i went down hill so hard and spiraled out of control in a very bad way.  I think what may have been one of my last opportunities to have another shot or fix anything that was done, i did just the opposite of what i should have.  I kept talking to her best friend, kept bugging my ex, then i got back on dating sites almost instantly.  It was like i didn’t know how to be alone anymore and i needed a fix.  Some attention of some kind.  What’s funny is that it did work for a minute.  When ever i would start messaging other woman, sometimes 3 or 4 at the same time, it would take my mind off of my ex.  But as soon as I stopped and had no attention.  I would think about her and miss her, ect, ect, ect
  Again.  I feel like a child.  It’s stupid crazy.  Like I forgot how to be alone,  how to live on my own without the need for that.

    I don’t have time to respond to much right at the moment, but I did want to respond to this.  Your reaction to your break up was a very, very common and normal one. It’s actually unusual when people who feel blindsided with a breakup handle it well without spiraling or seeking comfort elsewhere at least for a little bit.  Don’t beat yourself up over this, please. This is something you need to forgive yourself for. And reacting in the opposite way likely would have changed absolutely nothing because she’d already made her decision.  I DID react in the opposite way. I stayed calm, left him alone for the most part (always cordial the few times we did talk), I stayed single even though I had a ton of guys start messaging me because I knew I wasn’t ready, etc. And guess what? That didn’t make him want me back any more than if I had reacted how you did.  How we react doesn’t matter. They were going to feel the same no matter what because the breakups ultimately weren’t about us. The breakups were about THEM and how THEY were feeling and what THEY wanted or didn’t want, and we have absolutely no control over any of that.  So you really, really need to forgive yourself for your reaction. It likely didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    Valora
    Participant

    I very much relate to that. Part of the reason I went to therapy is because I’m someone who NEEDS to understand things, I like to know the reasons for things and why things happen. However, my therapist has tried to open me up to the notion that not everything in life gets explained. He says bad things happen and sometimes there is no specific reason why and one of my biggest challenges has always been to life my life with uncertainty. As I mentioned previously, it’s all about control for me. I believed I could control most things. I ask my therapist why my ex couldn’t move forward, he says he wasn’t able to. I ask why he wasn’t able to, he surmises it’s probably down to fear and an unconscious family responsibility. But then that’s not enough for me, I ask why is he that way, why can’t he change

and the therapist shrugs his shoulders sometimes and says, I’m not working with your ex so I don’t know. He says that’s life, it happens a lot and you have to try and move forward without the answers.

    I find that the most difficult. Right now, I know why my ex ended it with me. Yet, I have ya least 10 questions off the top of my head I could ask him right now. I watched a Ted Talk about this and the speaker explained that an unending search for answers is most common in breakups. It’s as we struggle to accept the reality.

    This is probably the lesson life is trying to teach you right now through all of this. If you work hard to learn it, learn to surrender control when you need to and to accept that you don’t really need to know all the answers, then this feeling you have right now will eventually pass and your next relationship will be all the better for it. If you don’t learn the lesson, it’s likely this lesson will keep repeating itself until you do.  I’ve learned that the hard way through repeating life experiences. They don’t stop until you finally learn the lesson and take it to heart.

    If it helps, this was the same lesson I’ve had to learn too. It’s a difficult one, but it’s freeing when you learn to surrender.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    in reply to: I am a hypocrite and I'm ashamed of myself. #236757
    Valora
    Participant

    I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

    I think it’s pretty natural to have some anger toward the person they cheated with. That’s just a response seemingly everyone has when that happens. I had an ex when I was younger that used to cheat on me constantly, 8 different girls that I know of. I was too stupid to leave back then. I used to get mad at the girls until I finally realized it wasn’t them, it was him. Most of them didn’t know me so why should they care about me or my relationship? Even the ones that did know me, the blame was still squarely on my boyfriend at the time. It was HIM that was supposed to be remaining faithful. It wasn’t up to the girls to make sure he did.

    I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

    Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

    I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.

    I totally understand this, too. I also live in a small area where there isn’t a whole lot to do other than go out to bars or stay home and watch movies, and alcohol brings me out of my shell, too, because I tend to be a little more subdued when I’m uncomfortable. Alcohol makes me feel comfortable. A little too comfortable. haha. I’ve made many mistakes over the years from being under the influence. Heck, one of my kids came from drinking too much one night (wouldn’t change it for the world, though). lol. I never ever drink anymore if I’m upset or sad in any way because I’ve learned that’s when I tend to make my biggest mistakes under the influence.

    Over the years, though, I’ve also learned the key is to just drink that one drink to loosen you up just a tad (or two if you have a higher tolerance)… and then switch to something nonalcoholic. I have a lot of friends in bands and I love to go listen to them play, so I’ll just drink a screwdriver or something when I get there, and then I switch to just orange juice. That way I have something in my hand still to drink (so it tricks my brain into feeling like I’m drinking and I LOOK like I’m drinking as well. haha) but yet I’m not actually getting intoxicated. By the time it’s time to leave, that first and only alcoholic drink has worn off, I’ve had a great time, and I feel great the next day.  Maybe give that a try the next time you go out?

    in reply to: I am a hypocrite and I'm ashamed of myself. #236585
    Valora
    Participant

    I would try not to be hard on yourself. You were single when this happened, correct?  So it’s absolutely nothing like what your ex did to you. I also wouldn’t feel guilty about the other person being in a relationship, because, although that’s definitely not a good thing to do when you have your wits about you, it’s ultimately up to the person in the relationship not to stray, not the person they’re straying with.

    Do you think your guilt could actually be coming from your intention for doing it rather than the actual act, that you were intending to hurt someone by doing it? Alcohol and pain can certainly cause us to do things that are out of character, so that may be why you are so disappointed, but the fact is, you definitely can’t go back in time and change it. It’s okay to give yourself permission to forgive yourself and let this one go. From the sounds of it, it’s not something that you would usually do if you weren’t influenced by both alcohol and pain, so just accept that that caused you to act out of character and then just stay away from alcohol until you’re feeling much better.

    I’ve done things in the past under the influence of alcohol combined with pain that I regretted for a while after, but you do get over it. You can literally grow from ANYTHING and become a better person if you take the lesson from it, make a change for the better, and forgive yourself. 🙂

     

    What do you suppose makes you feel dependent on alcohol? or what makes you want to drink? For example, is it just because you like the loosened-up feeling or does it make you forget things or is it more of a social thing?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    Valora
    Participant

    Valora,

    I know you’re right. I just can’t get that to sink in that I must accept it and move on and that he won’t change. I think it’s about control, I have an issue with. I can’t understand how I can’t fix something. Probably naĂŻvetĂ© on my part too.

    I do think it’s possible for them to change, though. It’s just going to take work on their part and we really have no way of knowing whether they’ll actually do it. I found out a few months ago my ex is going to counseling, so that’s definitely a step in the right direction for him.  We just have to be sure not to put our lives on hold waiting for anything to change or even waiting for them to come back (as in my case, I don’t know as if he ever will), so that’s where the moving forward comes in to play. It’s just about remaining open to other possibilities with other people once we feel ready for that (in our own time). I still like to believe that if it’s meant to be, our paths will cross again, whenever the timing is more right. If that happens, even if I’ve completely let go and moved forward, the feelings will come back. And if our paths don’t cross, well I wouldn’t want to be with someone I’m not supposed to be with anyway, right?  It’s just kind of about having faith that I’ll find the FEELING that I want again in someone, whether it’s a reconciliation with my ex once we’ve both done our growing or whether it’s with someone entirely new. Either way, the old relationship has to be let go of entirely because that’s in the past now. I think the same probably would apply for you, too.

    I had an issue with control too, though. I always wanted to know what was going to happen and when, to the point that I would always read spoilers to movies and TV shows just because I like to know. But life doesn’t give us spoilers, so I had to learn to just go with the flow. I still struggle with it sometimes and that’s when I start feeling anxious, but it feels a lot less stressful and a lot more free when I just surrender control and take life as it comes, without expectations.

    Valora
    Participant

    In the end, I believe his fear controlled his fate. Many others might read this and say, that girl is fooling herself – he wasn’t into her enough- and that may be the case, but one trait of highly sensitive people- such as me- and trust me, I don’t like being a HSP, is empathy, our intuition is acute. I felt it, I felt he deep deep down needs to be fulfilled in that way, but is unable to address that aspect of himself at this point in his life. That’s why I suspect it’s going to crop up for him one day down the road again.

    I just want to jump in here to say that I don’t think you’re fooling yourself. I’m highly sensitive/intuitive, too, and I felt my ex had the same problem. We had a really close bond and connection but then both physical and emotional pain (from personal issues that had nothing to do with me or our relationship) started to weigh him down heavily, and he changed. He went from confident to not so confident, from treating me like a queen to losing his temper over little thingss. Our breakup didn’t make sense to me because I was very understanding of what was making him act that way (he had a LOT going on), but I think he ultimately was afraid that I would get tired of it and leave, so I really think, to spare himself from that, he detached and left me first. Even after we broke up, though, he kept telling me how I was still all he ever thought about and it was too much and he wished he felt like he deserved me but he just doesn’t. So I do think people can get to a point where their fears and insecurities guide them into doing things that their hearts don’t actually want them to do. However, I’ve definitely learned, too, that there isn’t anything we can do about that. It’s a shame, but all we can do is do our best to move forward.

    in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #236301
    Valora
    Participant

     It was refreshing, motivating, joyful, Life itself with a capital L, fireworks and all,  suddenly and magically appearing in your life in all its glory, sort of. Correct? Like the grass has never been greener and the  sun never more pleasant and inviting one to play..I can go on and on. “Pure bliss” you called it. I  know this feeling. There is no better feeling, to feel this way  for  someone and be together with that someone, or even imagine being together, looking forward, like you looked  forward that weekend, for Friday night, then Saturday, then Sunday. And now that it is over, you still long for her/ for that  feeling. Why would anyone let go of the memory of this feeling, of still wanting it?

    What you’re describing here seems surreal, and I don’t know about John, but it’s not really what I felt. I feel like that’s the honeymoon phase that a lot of people experience when their emotions and hormones are heightened and they’re “flying in the clouds,” so to speak. That’s the one that definitely doesn’t last because it’s more of an excited state rather than a baseline feeling. What goes up, must come down. So, John, if this is what you felt, it might have just been an extended, really strong honeymoon phase.

    What I felt was more of a calm. Nothing else in my life was really heightened and I wasn’t in an excited state. The grass seemed the same as always, the sun shown as usual, but when we were near each other, we were drawn together like magnets, just always wanting to be hugging or just connected in some way, even just holding hands, for 2 straight years. And he felt like “home” to me. I felt extremely comfortable, relaxed, safe, warm, protected, calm. Other boyfriends have made me feel some of those things but never to the extreme extent all together to where it literally just felt like I was home and all was right with the world. And that really is probably how children feel with a nurturing parent BUT, again, correlation is not causation. That is just a good feeling for people in general, young and old, and if we know how that feels, we’re going to want it. Now if that feeling SCARES someone, then that fear (of either the feeling or the loss of it) might have to do with an attachment issue with a parent.

    Anyway, the reason why that kind of thing is so hard to get over, besides missing the feeling, is that it’s hard to want less than that, and for sure it takes a special kind of connection with someone to give you that feeling. It’s not something you can just get with anyone.  BUT that’s where faith comes in.  You just have to believe that you will have that feeling again, either with someone new who is also a soul connection or perhaps your ex will come back when you’ve both done some growing (and with growth, you won’t experience that jealousy of her son. That was a clue that you had work to do on yourself, namely attachment/insecurity issues. I had the same ones).  None of us know what will happen in the future, but if we really want to experience that feeling again, we have to believe it will come after we’ve done some self-improvement and are ready to hold it gently this time.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
Viewing 15 posts - 451 through 465 (of 485 total)