Both of the girls that didnt reply to my texts are both im attracted to, but ended up making me feeling down. Im just confused if there is something wrong with me or maybe im a bad luck person…

Hi Felix!

I’ve singled these two sentences out, because they’re important. You are basing that second statement on the rejection of TWO girls.  What were your expectations when you messaged them?

I would also suggest you continue to work on loving yourself. It’s an ongoing process, and you should definitely keep going at least until you get to the point that you realize that someone’s rejection doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you have bad luck. It just means they aren’t a match for you. Not everyone will be a match, and so far, from what you’ve posted here, you’re sort of beating yourself up over the fact that three girls haven’t been a match for you, but that number is very, very low. This doesn’t mean you should be going after girls you’re not attracted to… just alter your expectations a bit when you do talk to girls or when you message them… just because you’re interested in dating them does not mean they’ll be interested in dating you. This does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you should change anything about yourself to make them interested (because that would not be genuine). This is true for literally everyone on the planet. One person’s interest will never guarantee the other person’s interest… and dating is hard. It’s sort of a number’s game. The more people you get to know, the more likely you’ll find someone who is just as interested in you as you are of them.

Hi Sarah!

I think you have to be careful with those articles on narcissistic personality disorder. The way some of them are written makes practically anyone who is immature, selfish, and ruled by their own ego seem like they have the disorder… when they don’t. And it’s unfortunate that that word is thrown around so much lately, just as much as “empath” seems to be. So many bloggers these days appear to be experts on both, but are they really?

Narcissism exists on a scale, and although someone can be a little further up the scale toward the narcissism side than others, very few actually have the personality disorder. It also takes a specifically-designed psychological eval test and an interview by a licensed psychologist to actually diagnose this disorder. Because it’s tricky.

This guy you’re talking about just sounds really immature. From what you say, he needs attention and validation (which is actually pretty common with social media culture). He likely needs his ego fed externally because he’s missing something internally. He needs to do some growing. You also said he likes drama, which is another sign of immaturity. Immaturity is different than narcissism, even though narcissists also do tend to be immature.

I’m pointing this out, because I want you to know that he may actually have cared about you as a person but just handled things really poorly, as an immature person often does. There are a lot of reasons people don’t let others in emotionally, and his childhood experiences with his dad are likely a big one.

With that said, I think you have a right to feel hurt and upset by this. Rejection feels bad, and you seem to be comparing yourself with his past relationships, but what happened between you and him says nothing about your worth as a person. He clearly has some issues to work through, and there was likely something going on with him in his relationship of 6 months that made him suddenly chase after you so intensely. Given that you started up right after that, he wouldn’t have had a chance to work through whatever those feelings were from that previous relationship (especially if he was bringing up ex-girlfriends… he’s caught up in feelings there still), and that could’ve made him stall out or act distant with you, which, of course, flared up your insecurities. I’m pretty sure emotional distance makes most people feel insecure, so go easy on yourself and just try to find the lesson in this so that it doesn’t repeat.

Do you get paid when you play in the band with him? If so, I would consider it just a job rather than him using you, just for the sake of your own feelings. You play an instrument that is needed in that band, so they asked you if you were available… the same way people are hired in companies who have needed skills. Maybe framing it that way will help you to feel better about playing the gig, but I would probably say no to future gigs as long as your feelings are wrapped up in him. Do you know of anyone else who plays your instrument that could fill in for you?

Dear valora

Yes i can relate to your advices as i realize i do a mistake by trying to get close to her by texting, in which there is a friend of me who can help me get to know her as he know im interested in her. I should have waited for him to help me get to know her, but i’m impatient and text her first and this is what happen. Do u think i still have a chance with her? (I’m not good looking so maybe this is also a cons when meeting her for the first time later on, even though that she has saw my face in my ig)

Do u think she’ll be disgusted/turn off when we meet for the first time later on? Or do u think she’ll feel like nothing happen?

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen when you guys meet for the first time or how she’ll feel because that depends entirely on her as a person. None of us here know her… but I don’t think you should expect anything one way or another. Just leave things open.  Sometimes even when you get to know someone well, that doesn’t mean they will want to date you, and it doesn’t mean anything bad about you. If someone doesn’t have feelings for you, it just means you two aren’t a match.

So what I’m saying is don’t get your sights set on one woman, thinking if you get to know her well she’ll fall for you, because that won’t happen if you two aren’t a match for each other. Just be open to connections with the girls you meet, and if there isn’t a connection with both of you, be ready to accept that for what it is (not a match, and that’s okay!) and keep moving on until you find a good match (you’ll know when you do because you’ll feel the same about each other and a lot of your values/wants for the future will line up).

Also… confidence plays a big role in whether someone looks good or not. Confidence and a good sense of humor can make anyone more attractive.  And those guys that are really traditionally attractive… if they have a terrible personality or are full of themselves, they become less attractive.  Attraction really isn’t just about what someone looks like.

children’s mother doesn’t love them unconditionally, she continuously threatens to leave them if they engage in any positive way in dad’s relationship so they leave in constant fear of mother’s rejection…

This is absolutely, 100% emotional/psychological child abuse, and I would make sure the mother knows that. She should NOT be using her love as a bargaining chip against her kids. ever.

bf is a fantastic dad so I fully understand that he doesn’t want to cause the children any distress. The older child now starts behaving like mum, giving dad silent treatment at any mention of our relationship. I feel there’s nothing I can do other than wait for a change in my bf’s management of this situation but my worry is that there’s no clear timeline on the horizon….unless there’s a solution I don’t see? (Apart from leaving)

I agree that all you can do is wait or leave. Those are really your only options that you, yourself, can do. However, I think your boyfriend should put pressure on the mom to stop behaving this way because it’s not at all healthy for the kids… even just the idea of them thinking she’ll leave them if they don’t do what she says is abusive and unhealthy for them. So for his kids’ sake, if he hasn’t already, he should somehow attempt to get the mom to understand what this is doing to the kids… although I know sometimes that’s easier said than done and some people just don’t “get” it. But that might be where counseling/mediation comes in. It’s not fair for him to have to hide who he dates while she dates freely…. but if he were to just start bringing you around, he would become the “bad guy” to them, and if the mom is already practicing that type of emotional abuse, she may try to use you to alienate the kids from the father. So his only real options here are to push to change the mother’s behavior or just let it go….. which I do think will bite her in the butt later on, but at the expense of her kids, because this has to be messing them up emotionally, too.

One more piece of advice though… if he does end up talking to her, he should make it about the abusive nature of the comments she’s making to the kids and not about him being able to bring you around them.  If she stops saying those things and chills out for the sake of her kids’ emotional health, you will be able to come around as a result either way. If he makes it about you, though, she’s likely to not listen at all, I’m guessing.

Honestly, as a parent myself, I’m on board with your boyfriend. The kids come before anyone I date, and I would do the same thing if my kids weren’t comfortable with someone I’m dating just yet…. but there are things your boyfriend can do besides forcing the kids to be in an uncomfortable situation, especially when they’re worried they’d risk the love of a caregiver.

Most importantly, the mother needs to get over it, and she needs to have a talk with her kids that she will NOT reject them. I would suggest that your boyfriend have a talk with her, help her to see that it’s not good for the kids to be living in fear of their mother rejecting them for any reason, and that it would be better for everyone, mostly the kids, if their mother’s love is unconditional. If they can get that resolved, then the kids should feel much better about being around you, and your boyfriend shouldn’t have an issue with you all being together.  Sometimes talking together with a psychologist/mediator can help a ton with these discussions.  I know that’s what it took for my daughter’s father to finally stop acting like a jerk, and he even apologized!

Otherwise, if he won’t stand up to the mom and make sure they both as parents let their kids know that their love is unconditional and they won’t ever reject them, he’s going to have to not bring anyone over until both kids are grown and moved out, and in that case, you might be wasting your time unless you don’t mind the possibility of things staying the way they are for the next 7 years or so.

Hi Chloe,

I think it’s totally understandable how you feel hurt and betrayed by this guy. It’s a very good thing you found out about this now, though, before you got even deeper into it, because if he’s cheated on his to his girlfriend a bunch, he would do it to you, too. Just know it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person. At all. Or even his girlfriend or anything about her. This is all him. It might take you a bit of time to stop feeling hurt and angry, but you just have to be patient and let yourself feel and work through those feelings so that you’re able to fully let them go. But as far as the feelings of insecurity go, just try to remind yourself that his behavior says nothing about you as a person. He’s a jerk and gooood riddance.

I think your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely normal, and you’re going to have to just give yourself time to feel them as they come up and then let them pass. Eventually, it won’t sting as much, and it sounds like you realize you’re not losing a great friendship here, so once you get past these feelings of betrayal, you should feel much better and also won’t be friends with someone who would be involved with your husband… that was a huge betrayal in my book. A friend should NEVER do that, let alone a best friend.

Is it possible that part of you could also be mad at yourself for trying to forgive her and move on despite what you know she did, only to have her turn around and act like you are the one in the wrong? I had someone do something similar to me a few years ago (not involving cheating, but still betrayal) and when I dug deep, I realize part of my anger was coming from me feeling foolish at myself. I was mad at me, too.  If that’s the case for you, as well, again, it’s natural… it’s just something worth recognizing, feeling, and then forgiving yourself for trying to do what you felt was the right thing to do at the time, and letting it go.